A book by a founder of this site.
My fiance cheated once before and he’s looking online
My fiancé and I have lived together for 5 years and have a beautiful 3 yr old daughter. I found out he was having an affair about 2 years ago.
After being caught he immediately ended the affair and vowed to never stray again. After 3 days of convincing I did return home and agree to work it out. It took a while and a big effort on my part to begin to trust him again. I also made it very clear that any further misconduct would result in the end of our relationship. Two weeks ago I found accounts on the computer to 3 different "hook-up" sites.
He swears they have not resulted in any physical contact, however even if that is true, I feel that it would have only been a matter of time before it would have become physical. He did it before and seemed to be looking again. Of course now once again he is begging me to forgive him and give him another chance to be the man he was proclaiming to be all along. He tends to have trouble being honest about the small stuff not to mention things like this. In fact I printed what I found on the computer and simply presented him with the stack of papers rather than ask questions and be lied to. His initial reaction was to blame his activities solely on me.
My question to you is this: is it even possible for someone to break this pattern of behavior?
I believe it would take professional counseling at least on my part to figure out how I could ever trust again (the computer stuff went on for 9 months that I know about) I just don’t want to waste any more time on a relationship that probably can’t be saved. I agreed to try counseling to at least try to get myself in a place where I could try to trust again just looking for an opinion on what the odds are that he could actually change his pattern of deceptive behavior.
Human behavior can be difficult to change. And most people never change, not because they do not want to, but because they do not understand what it takes to bring change about.
Change rarely, if ever, happens simply because someone promises to change or is threatened into doing so.
To make lasting changes, people must first understand why they behave the way they do and then change the things in their life that bring about or influence their behavior.
Change requires taking an honest look at oneself and making the necessary changes in one’s environment so that problematic patterns do not reoccur (see once a cheater).
As you have already noted, counseling is almost always required to accomplish this outcome (see counseling resources).
Finally, online affairs can be just as problematic as a physical affair.
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.