My boyfriend had sexual exchanges with an ex

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years and here is the story of his infidelity...

Let me say first off, that we have an amazing sex life. He has repeatedly told me he’s never had even close to the sexual chemistry with anyone in his life, as with me. Moving on.... In May an ex lover who lives in a different state contacted him after at least 10 years. In the very first email she sent, she included a picture with her breasts spilling out of her top. Over the course of two weeks, they began an online (and 2 phone conversations) affair of video exchanges, nasty pics, and nasty words. He told her that he wasn’t in a so-called committed relationship but was definitely hesitant to see her because of me. So he told her he was not going to sleep with her, but that he would come see his best guy friend that lived in her state and they would both go to dinner with her. This is what he told me. I saw all of the emails and I did see her say things like how badly she would want to reach over the table during all of dinner, and things like, “you should agree to sleep with me" to which he responded "Ya never know." He assures me this was because he didn’t want to go into detail with her. Anyway, I hacked his email and found everything. He assures me he was going to end it, that he started to realize what he was doing was wrong after he sent a video of himself touching himself for her birthday. There were a few days after that of little correspondence and she would ask for pics and he would say he was too tired. The bulk of this was her sending pics and videos and him directing her what to do. He sent 2 pics and 1 video. He never said things like, oh you’re so sexy, I want to be with you… It was mostly just him telling her to do different things, and asking her if it turned her on.

After the confrontation, he explained that it was easy to get caught up with something between the four walls of the internet. She was a lonely divorced woman that hadn’t had sex in 7 years. He didn’t think he was hurting anyone, and it was just fun to get this chick to do things. He said it meant nothing, he swears to the high heavens he NEVER would’ve cheated, and above all else, he made a mistake. I made him cut off all access to her, except for one text between the two of them a couple of months ago just saying hello. Since that, I told him I want NO communication, and there hasn’t been. He has given me full access to emails, phone, etc. He has apologized a million times and just says it was a mistake. We’ve had many hours of conversation, and he has been here to help get me through all of it. He gets frustrated, but still talks with me. He says I am the only woman he wants to spend time with and that he loves me. He also said although he takes 100% responsibility, he was feeling way to much pressure from me nagging, and maybe it was a bit of an escape ( I was definitely nagging a lot for other reasons, and we were even going to take a break).

This horrible incident has brought us closer than ever. We talk more, laugh more, and there’s more affection. We talk about the future, vacations, and in a few years getting in an RV and traveling across the US for 6 weeks. He promises that he is not going anywhere; he will not let me down. He doesn’t speak to any other women at all. He does his best to show me how much he loves me all the time.

However, this all still haunts me. I’ve read books and am seeing a therapist, but it haunts me. I’ve read that I need to have an epiphany, but I just haven’t yet. I have good days, but the bad days are bad- I despise what he’s done. As a male, he doesn’t think he’s cheated, but he knows he’s done wrong. The deception is just killing me.

How do I move on and start enjoying my life to the fullest again? How do I get over the images in my mind? How do I consider him a “good guy”? How do I get over the way I felt when I discovered all of this? The whole infidelity only lasted two weeks, but I find myself thinking back to those weeks how him and I appeared just fine. I just want to get over this, and I trust most of what he said about the whole thing. Also, I think many people would say this wasn’t HUGE deal- is it? He is doing everything he possibly can to redeem himself, short of hopping in a time machine to erase it. Should I look at this as a catalyst that brought us closer than ever? Do people really just make stupid mistakes because it was thrown in front of them? Sorry this is so lengthy, but I want to make sure I’m getting everything out…

Response:

You may never have an epiphany, but with time you may learn to put this incident behind you. Many couples recover from infidelity (or betrayal) and grow closer because of their commitment and willingness to put their relationship ahead of the mistakes that have been made. As you know, this is not an easy or quick process. It requires that both partners listen to each other, make each other feel understood, show each other affection, and live up to their promises (with verification). It sounds like both of you are taking all of the right steps (see surviving infidelity and rebuilding trust).

If you continue to work at your relationship, share your feelings with each other, and talk about problems in a constructive manner (see talking about problems), over TIME you will be able to put this incident behind you. It will not happen over night, and there will be moments of uncertainty. But, with time those moments will become less intense and more short-lived. The key to making your uncertainty go away is through making your relationship stronger. And again, it sounds like you are doing what it takes to solve this problem.

What he did is a HUGE deal because it betrayed your sense of trust. He put his needs ahead of what was good for your relationship. But with that said, he is doing all of the things that need to be done to make things better. And if he did not love you, why would he put so much time, energy and effort into trying to work things out?

Many couples do grow closer by dealing with adversity; the key is how the problem is handled. Is it handled in a way that creates understanding and with a willingness to work TOGETHER to solve the problem?

Finally, everyone makes mistakes. There is no such thing a perfect relationship. Over the course of a relationship, a partner will betray your trust from time to time. What matters the most, is how couples deal with the problem when it comes to light.

Hope this helps.

 cheating boyfriend | emails | his ex-girlfriend | online cheating | save relationship

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