Past Comments – My friend led me on and then chose someone else

Moving on up !!!
written by KATE IS GREAT !!!, 03 January, 2007

I am an extremely intelligent, well-educated, independent and attractive woman of 32 (okay 35 !!!) who began working with "Loser" in Jan 2006.
There was an instant attraction between us and although I knew he had a girlfriend I allowed myself to be drawn into believing that he loved me.
The chemistry was electric and his body language spoke volumes. We would talk for 2 hours at a time together gazing adoringly into each others eyes across the desk (pathetic I know !!)
I could not begin to understand what he saw in his girlfriend, the way she treated him I could only imagine she was a Cameron Diaz lookalike as there could be no other explanation why he stayed with her.
Imagine my shock in seeing them together. Trailing along behind him looking miserable and like she needed a good shower and change of clothes she was only passably attractive. Not that I was judging her on looks alone, far from it. I knew her to be needy, clingy and dependent as she was forever whining to him on the phone, pleading that he leave work early as she didn’t want to go home alone.
Week after week went by with me waiting for him to say/do something but he very skilfully managed to "play me" as I now realize he was becoming as addicted to the attention I was giving him as I was to receiving it. The difference being that I was single and he was going home every night to "Whiner".
He was (and still is) extremely jealous of seeing me with another male and by keeping me "dangling" I imagine he hoped I wouldn’t go looking for anyone else.
Every so often I would decide "that’s it I am not falling for this game anymore" but my resolve would weaken as I had no choice but to see him at work everyday(Mon-Fri)
Then eventually (early Dec) I realized that even if he did leave her and ask me out "officially" that it would never work as I suddenly realized that I had too much self-respect to wait that long for someone who, if they felt half as strongly about me as I felt about them, would have made the move months ago..
Once I realized that if we finally did get together that it would never work (I could never forgive him for the cruel way he has treated me) it became easier to "let go."
I was still very sad and I would still melt every time he looked or smiled at me a certain way but the real TURNING POINT came when my friend bluntly told me that even if there was some bizarre reason why he had to stay with "Whiner" there was no excuse for his behavior as he should either have told me why he couldn’t leave her and allow me to get on with meeting a "significant other" OR he should have finished with her.
I did sub-consciously know this but I needed someone to tell me bluntly that HE HAD CHOSEN HER and that I could either continue to let him "have his cake and eat it" OR I could regain my power and stop the intimate gazing and 2 hour long chats.
I knew she was right. It didn’t matter that Whiner was devoid of personality and dress sense HE HAD CHOSEN HER AND I HAD TO ACCEPT IT.
I still don’t understand why he has chosen to be with MISERY GUTS when we use to make each other laugh so much and the only consolation I have is that he met her first, 18 months before he met me so I assume they have more of an "attachment" than what I would call real love.
The real breakthrough came when he was off work for 2 weeks over Christmas. At last this gave me time away from him so that my wounds could heal properly without me having to see him the next day (and my resolve breaking with the whole cycle beginning again)
And what a breakthrough !! I have never felt so positive and powerful. I feel 100% in control of my emotions and have moved on.
Suddenly I realized I was worth so much more and will never again allow a situation like this to develop. If someone wants to be with you THEY WILL BE WITH YOU and you don’t deserve anything less.
And guess what? He is bewildered !!! He can’t understand why I no longer maintain unwavering eye contact or have long intimate conversations with him. Instead I treat him exactly as I do my other colleagues. I can see already he is missing the adoration and it looks as though things are reaching a critical stage with him and "Whiner"
But guess what? Even if they do split and he gets down on one knee I will have to politely decline.
Because being single is better than being second best to anyone.
I know I am truly over him as I genuinely wish him and Whiner all the best in their strange little relationship. I’m just delighted I saw sense and got out of it so soon!!!
I have heard of a woman who left her husband and 4 kids to move 100 miles away to be closer to the man she loved. She has waited 8 years for HIM to leave his wife and IS STILL WAITING.

Insight
written by been there !!, 13 January, 2007

Having been in a similar situation many years ago I think I may be able to shed some light on this man’s behavior.
You sound as though you and his girlfriend are polar opposites and wonder why he has chosen to stay with her ?
The answer is simple-you are too high maintenance and it is the very things which attract him to you which also scare him away.
You are attractive, intelligent and independent yet he is with someone average, needy and dependent?
Therein lies the clue!! He does not have the self-awareness, inner confidence or strength to be with someone like you, unlike "Whiner" you do not NEED him.
He NEEDS to feel NEEDED to feel like a man and only someone with as little self-esteem as "Whiner" can fulfill this need.
You haven’t said much about "Loser" but I am guessing that although he may appear charming in public he has a lot of unpleasant traits you are thankfully unaware of, it will be Whiner who bears the brunt of these.
I am guessing he is a very controlling individual and you (as opposed to Whiner) sound like a woman whom he would NOT be able to control.
I think you are WAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE and HE KNOWS IT!! So whilst he is flattered (and probably bewildered) by your interest, he knows you would eventually realize HE was not good enough for you and YOU would soon move on to the emotionally mature, intelligent, strong, self-aware man who IS able to feel equal and not threatened by a woman with your traits.
Think of yourself as the shiny new Mercedes in the showroom window, the one he admires and would love to "take for a spin" but ultimately knows he cant afford to maintain.
He is far more comfortable with his "Ford Escort" girlfriend, plain but reliable , gets him from A-B and he doesn’t have to worry about anyone trying to steal her!!!
Congratulations for getting out of this situation, now you are free to allow someone truly worthy of YOU into your life!!

written by Encouraged!!!, 23 August, 2007

Thank you!!!!! I needed to hear this and apply it to my own life. I too work with a guy who runs around looking for other women to give him attention. I was the married idiot who allowed us to get out of hand. He breaks it off then wants to come back... only to break up again. I now know and needed to hear that the only one who can take care of me (with God’s help) is me! No one can steak your joy unless you allow it. Thanks so much! I am printing this so I can refer back to it if I ever get another contact IM from him again. God Bless you!

written by unnecessary, 10 January, 2009

No, don’t tell her. It’s not your place to get involved. You are most certainly doing this out of revenge, because if you truly cared about his fiancee’s well-being, you wouldn’t have chatted with him day and night. You are jealous and disappointed that it didn’t work out. I feel your pain, it sucks, but the best thing to do is move on like he has.

written by unnecessary, 10 January, 2009

No, don’t tell her. It is not your place to get involved. You are only doing it out of revenge, because if you truly cared about her well-being, you wouldn’t have spent months chatting with him day and night. You are (quite understandably) jealous and angry, but right now, the best thing to do is forget about him and move on, like he has.

written by cassie7676, 03 March, 2010

no go and tell her!! she needs to know what a loser he is! My boyfriend was going behind my back and seeing this girl at work for months, talking her on the phone even meeting her after work and make out in his car. I am sure there was more but he wont tell me and she refuses to talk since she is afraid. She told him that he was confused and didnt know what he wants and he says I dont know why she is saying that because there was nothing between the 2. Yeah right!I wish she told me what was going on and I would have dropped him like a bad habit but she was trying to convince him to dump me and pick her. Well I am build and look like a model, well off and she is a frikking low class yocal and not that good looking but he says she was cool/coworker/friend.I am no longer intimate with him and cant wait until he moves out of my house.I thought he was my soulmate and he treated me like a queen, declaring his love everyday, like prince. Wow the shock was on me!!!and he says it was in the beginning, she came on to him 3 days after we met. Well I came to found out it was 3 months in to our dating!!telling me she was not leaving him alone and the only reason he met her after work to tell her he wasnt interested in her. GOOD ONE!! I guess he couldnt tell her that at work right? while he was telling her that she kissed him, hmmmmm. Right!and his brother gave her his cell phone number, another lie, they talked once, lie, he never called her, another lie, I got the phone logs... He is an idiot and I always say, once a cheater is always a cheater!!

written by HELP ME PLEASE!!!CL, 26 June, 2012

We are two friends that are really close. Over the past year i had strong feelings for him and he knew i had those feelings for him. When i confessed to him he told me that the also had feelings for me. I was thrilled by that and i thought he was to. By then we were talking non-stop every day and night. One day i told him my feelings were getting stronger each day and by then i was kinda sure i loved him but he said he didn’t feel the same. I was devastated by this and decided to ignore him. I was trying to get over him but it is so hard to just move on. It is kinda awkward between me and him when we start to talk about feelings because i see him EVERYDAY. When i see him hanging around other girls i feel so jealous. Are these feelings normal? I just don’t know what to do any more... I want things to go back to what they were before.When everything was perfect. I just really miss talking to him. Could you please give me some advice to deal with the situation?