Past Comments – My husband plays with my heart

Comments (44)

thank you sooo much
written by Guest, 27 April, 2006
Your response opened my eyes to something new that explains a lot to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen and share your thoughts.
he is a ludus
written by carole z, 04 November, 2006
I have never understood my husband so well as I have since reading your descriptions of the various love styles. You have given me a sense of relief that I was not imagining his behaviors and feel confident that to go through with the divorce is the right decision. Thank you so much.
written by ETAM, 25 November, 2006
I have been sitting here saying, why- if you didn’t want me let me go. It has been a year and 1/2 seeing someone who says he does not want a relationship, but then calls and calls, until I give in. Then he is cold again. I really love him too, but I can see where this is going. This summer we had the online dating thing, then the old girlfriend. Too bad. It is very hard to let go. Thanks..
avoid any guy named BUZZ:::
written by ludus::: these guys should be, 26 November, 2006
I spent 7 years in a relationship with a Ludus, with a name like Buzz what else should I have expected? Lie after lie after lie he even had the nerve to sleep with my best friend... not anymore... I would like to design a website for all the women in the world that have suffered the emotional pain that these men cause. And I would put pictures of them and their names so all women would be able to view the site and avoid the charm and inviting sense of these wolves in sheep??s clothing!
Ludus, women? and what about players?
written by JP, 16 December, 2006
Has it occurred to anyone reading this that maybe some women do the same thing? I could not help noticing that all these comments were about men. Well I have a friend, well had a friend and she is definitely the games type. Boy after boy, as she called them, and the lies are stacked miles high. I’m just glad I didn’t have anything to do with her romantically. Her friend though... interesting how people with completely different love types and morals can bring two people together. I have to thank her for that at least. My girlfriend is the best! And all thanks to this other girl a mutual friend of ours who is still the player. So guys, be careful of women who like to play games too, I’ve seen it happen quite a few times, personally and second hand.
written by lanre, 22 December, 2006
My my love style fits what you described as ludus. What can I do about it?
RE: ludus : A M
written by not me too..., 23 December, 2006
I fear that I maybe in the same boat. I after several failed relationships, in which I destroyed the love and trust of the other person, by not thinking about the effects of my actions. It is my hope that I can, by making an effort to, learn how to recognize this negative behavior. And stop it before it effects the person that I "love." One method I’ve found that has slowed things down for me, is waiting for the other person to make the big leaps in the relationship, the first "I love you," talk about marriage..etc. Be up front about your history, sure you may get dumped for it, but can you really be sure that you wont repeat the same behavior. Let the other person decide if they want to get involved with a Ludus like you...
Right now what do I do?
Never promise anything.
Limit parties/drinking, where I might lose control, situations that lead to broken hearts.
Limit my social life, cause sometimes with certain girls, I do not have the will power to say no.
I hate that I am this way, I wish I could Love, for real. I feel like I am missing out on a lot of what it is to be human.

To Joachim and others
written by Tula, 05 January, 2007
To Joachim and other,

A good moral compass helps greatly. Whether or not you adhere to any religion, morals are essential to hold man woman, families, and thus societies together. And love and truth are the only way.
Remember, these are very simple but great truths: We reap what we sow; don’t do unto others what you wouldn’t like to be done unto you; other people are not means to an end, but ends in themselves.
It’s really quite simple; we just make it very difficult, because being human is not easy. But there are ways.
Read, inquire,investigate. These matters are as old as mankind. And believe me, the answers are all in the books: you just have to search for them.
Know your emotions, use them right; don’t let them use you.

Good luck to all and best wishes.

I feel bad
written by Radiance, 13 January, 2007
I feel so bad after reading your story.. All this happens... Life is no joke. Apart from all the love that you had for each other, have you thought of the sort of effect it is going to have on your daughter and son? What would a ‘family’ mean to them?
My boyfriend
written by chunkiemonkie, 05 April, 2007
I have a boyfriend that recently moved to a new city and exactly what she says in this story is what he tells me. He wants me to move and quit my job and everything. And he wants to marry me, but I have suspected he has cheated after all he failed a lie detector test "dummy" that he volunteered to take. And I have caught him in numerous lies. The funny thing is we were friends for three years and always told me he wanted to be with me but I wouldn’t do it because he lived so far, but he finally moved near me and we made a go at it. Well I caught him lying about talking to other woman, his lack of wanting to have sex and always belittling me. The signs were there I just chose to ignore it, but now he moved back home and I feel better he is out of my life. I don’t have worry about him being so dishonest with me, or cheating on me. He always made me feel so unattractive when I was with him.
written by Fancy67, 25 April, 2007
I never thought I’d wind up falling for a ludus--I definitely did though, and it was a relationship with a very short shelf-life. I could not believe how acceptable he found it to string several people along, and I didn’t even suspect it until I started breaking things off, and he started a cycle of manipulative behavior with me. Even though I recognize the behaviors, and I understand what he was doing, I have had such a hard time getting past this. I really sympathize with all the emotional side effects of having fallen in love with a ludus.
written by written by Courtney26, May 27,, 27 May, 2007
I was in a relationship for almost two-years with a Ludus and it is hard to break it off. They will constantly tell you what you want to hear and tell you they love you every night. He was very charming, articulate,& sweet but at the same time manipulative and controlling. He too made it known upfront that he did not want any drama in the relationship. He pretended to be religious, trusting, and believed in the Golden rule. After about six months we started having disagreements. He’d turn everything around made me out to be the bad guy putting me down but I’d give it right back. He would say if we truly love each other then we have to communicate. He’d never take responsibility for his actions and would never communicate or talk to me face to face it was always on the phone or in emails. My family/friends kept telling me he’s got issues break up with him as it will only get worse if you marry him. I found out recently that he was talking to two of his ex-girfriends and was a member of eharmony while we were together. I called one of the women that he had met on line and found out his true colors. He lied so much to me and so often, that the truth is really unnatural for him. Our entire relationship was based on lies, cheating and deception. He was into conquests just too boost his ego and low self-esteem. Having women waiting in the wings fueled his desires. Recently, he went to the Mayor’s party but told me he was just going to make an appearance but I found out later, he took this lady that he met online. I found her number on his pager. She was actually nice to me and (vulnerable to his charm as I was). She told me...he picked her up and took her home and kissed her on the cheek and that he was so nice to her...very affectionate, held her hand all night at the party, & rubbed her neck&back while he introduced her to members of city counsel and the Mayor. She also told me her son said he seems too good to be true! She said she was sorry about this and felt bad but I wasn’t convinced she understood what I was telling her. I finally told him that it was over between us that I was done with this relationship. He was exposed yet he denied taking anyone to the party; of course--Said He never cheated on me ever and I was the only women he’s ever been with in two years. HE said he went to the mayor’s party alone and never took anyone but had met an old friend there and they walked around together for awhile and he shook her hand goodby and that was all as she was engaged to be married. I finally saw the writing on the wall! He phoned me said I had crossed the line with this accusation that he had not been with anyone else or had sex with anyone else. All lies! I think he lies so much that he is incapable of telling the truth and it is something he does so often that he does not have to think about it. All I know is ladies listen to your gut and watch for the red flags because they are there!
written by Gale, 02 June, 2007
I too was in relationship with a Ludas. We were friends before dating and I had a daughter by a previous relationship who was a year old. Then HE moved in with me when my daughter was three. I wanted to marry him but I kept having doubts. He was the best liar I have ever known. We were together for 20 years although we had broke up a few times for very short periods. He would always mention other women at work. I caught him cheating thru email with another employee at work, we went to counseling but HE decided to end counseling. (There had been more doubts in my head about other women before this.) I couldn’t trust him again. Recently he moved out and told everyone it was "my fault" because I wouldn’t marry him. Truth is he already had another woman at work as his new target. She is vulnerable at this time because her husband passed away, and he sucked her into his lies. I am so glad I didn’t marry him. He made me feel bad and everything that went wrong was always "my" fault. I loved him so much I let my hopes & dreams behind, to care for him. I feel like I have wasted my life for a liar and cheater. I hope other women will see him for what he is, but he is extremely good at lying and cheating. Now I’m starting to see other signs I should have paid more attention too. Now I will always trust my instincts, and follow my head and not my heart. Although, I just don’t believe there are honest men left in the world.
written by whats love, 12 June, 2007
I think my fiance is sadly a ludus. He always makes excuses for his lies. He blames it on me and says I ask to many questions and am to distrusting and controlling. He will tell the smallest lie just to avoid an argument. He grew up in a home where love was never characterized. His parents never really made him feel "loved", and rarely told him "I love you". He has felt like a failure his whole life. When he started dating it would only be about sex with multiple women. He didn’t really know what he should feel. The relationship he was in right before me was with a Ludus as well. He had a 3yr relationship and with her, and she was the first to say "I love you". He said he never knew how to receive it b/c of his childhood. So he easily betrayed her. She betrayed him several times more and this is what their relationship consisted of. He believes he never got help so the infidelity from that relationship continued into his relationship with me. Except I’m not a ludus... and I don’t understand that kind of love. He always lies and cheat. When I think he has finally changed, it is only for a few months and I’m disappointed when I find out the truth. I caught him attempting to cheat with one of his exes recently. He says it will never happened again and changed his number and lets me see his phone. Please help me we are expecting a child and we are still engaged about to start counseling. I know he needs help!
written by gale, 19 June, 2007
Dear, whats love.
I hope you both get counseling and hope I it works for you. No one can tell you what to do but I know from my own experiences that it didn’t for me. My ex went for a few months then it was one excuse after another and I gave up going. I know I suffered from depression mostly because of his behavior, and I still do some, but I have gotten so much stronger since he is out of my life. I have a child who is grown now and she also sees him for what he is. I don’t think I could have made her see it when she was little though. So you need to ask your self whats best for me and my child? Only you can make the right decision for yourself. I wish you all the best.
written by Eros/Agape type here!, 21 July, 2007
Wow, going by the number of responses to this question there seem to be an awful lot of players out there.

I want to say that women are players as well as men! I was pursued almost obsessively by a woman (when I was recovering from a serious illness). She was very charming in a childlike way, very attentive, and very soon she insisted very strongly on marriage, buying house together, the works.

As the months went on the cracks appeared. This lady had never been married before – had had two longstanding relationships: one with a married man for many years, and the other with a woman who had her own (odd) domestic set-up with a former partner. Now, of course, I can well see that my partner didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to support a partner in the normal way – so she had gone through life as a ‘part-time partner’, on the side.

My partner freely admitted that she thought relationships were all about power and control and that, anyway, she didn’t know how to ‘do them’! She certainly had no concept of the teamwork and life-sharing that is necessary – and she literally went blank when I talked about intimacy and sharing feelings....she simply did not understand.

Cutting a long story short, I challenged what felt to me like her emotional abuses (she was constantly critical of me even though she said many times, a la Daniel in Bridget Jones’ Diary, ‘If I can’t be happy with you, I can’t be happy with anyone...’). She ran a mile...dumped me most unceremoniously, callously, impulsively, by email. She was on the net exactly 3 hours later looking for a new partner – or should I say victim?

I was shocked to the core and devastated. I had genuinely committed myself to her and our relationship, and found that although she was very intelligent she did not have even the first idea of how to make a marriage relationship work.

Nowadays I feel sad and actually sorry for this lady. I am not at the point where I want to get into another relationship but at least when I do I know that I do have the skills and the ability to love and make a genuine commitment to a grown-up relationship. I doubt whether this lady will ever, at her mature time of life, develop these attributes.

...and my heart goes out to all who have been so devastated by these ludus, immature types...we deserve better!
written by Gale, 26 July, 2007
You are so right! We do deserve better. They will never be happy with anyone.
written by Joy1203, 28 July, 2007
My husband told me just yesterday that he is in love with an ex girlfriend of his to whom he was engaged before I met him. She married someone else and I met my husband about 4 months later. We dated an year and were engaged a year. There was a little contact with her after we met but nothing until about 6 months ago. We have been married 1 and 1/2 years and have a 9 month old daughter.
He told me that she did an internet search and found him and began calling to initial a relationship. 3 months ago, he told me about it and I asked him to quit calling her. 2 weeks ago he confessed that he has been to a concert with her. He stayed in a hotel that night but denied that she was with him. I told him to get out and that I would be filing for divorce. He charmed his way back and I forgave him. He promised to stop all contact with her.
Last Friday while I watched my daughter and his son (staying with us for his parenting time), he went to a concert with his friend Marty from work". I didn’t believe him and it was confirmed when the cell phone bill came and he had only been calling her phone number to make arrangements. I confronted him and asked for an explanation. He told me that he had only been with Marty.
Last night, he confessed (while drunk) that he had been on another date with her last Friday and that they had had sex. He also confessed that she had accompanied him to the hotel the night of the previous concert and they had had sex. He justified it by saying that at least he hadn’t tried to have sex with me the same night.
I packed his suitcase but told him he could sleep on the couch until morning (he was drunk) but not to return home after work, I didn’t care where he went. He called several times from work today saying he was sorry, he changed his phone number, he wants to work it out and like a stupid person, I let him come home.
I am at work (I work nights). He got our babysitter and "met Marty" for another concert. When I called him to tell him where I was working tonight, he told me they were eating at a local restaurant before the concert. I called home to check on my little girl and there was a message on our answering machine that I picked up by remote. It was from Marty asking my husband to call him. I know that he was lying to me and probably went to the concert with her again, lying to me the entire time.
Am I supposed to forgive him and let him come home again? Pretend that I don’t know that Marty called, believe that he actually told me the truth??? Should I pack his bags and chuck it all? Do these guys ever really change or will I always be wondering when he will call her again?
written by Gale, 31 July, 2007
It’s your call. But my ex has never changed and never will. In the 4 months hes been out of my house he has worked on this other woman to get everything he wants from her. She put a huge down payment on a home with both of their names on the deed. (He has wanted a home of his own, but he didn’t want to pay for it out of his own pocket.) If only she knew the truth about him. I know for a fact, if I wanted him back it would only take a phone call. But I am too good for him and I will NOT put myself through it again. He has currently been showing up at my home and I’m getting ready to take legal action against him to stay away. I have made up my mind and will not change it. It may take you awhile to reach the same point I am at in my life, but I wish you the best and hope you make the right decision for you and your daughter. Believe me, it is impossible for these men to change.
written by Gale, 02 August, 2007
I have to say this website helped me understand what I wish I had seen sooner. But its true, when your in love with someone, you become blind. I CAN see now, even though I will never understand why this people take advantage of everyone. I hope others gain insight as well.
written by Eros/Agape type here!, 12 August, 2007
Yeah, Gale, it can happen to the best of us. In fact, it probably ONLY happens to the best of us LOL! (Because we’re not the ones who are out there looking to take advantage, we just don’t see it coming.)
written by Gale, 15 August, 2007
You are so right! I’m starting to laugh about more now since the pain is subsiding. I thank God I didn’t marry this evil person. I can see things coming for him soon. I believe he will receive exactly what he deserves. The funny part is that I no longer care what happens to him. So he better not cry wolf. LOL.
written by AnnaRain, 11 October, 2007
Reading these is sad and very liberating at the same time. I got involved with a ludus 5 years ago. My gut told me not to get involved from the beginning, it was all too good to be true. He sent me flowers, called me when he traveled, was very concerned when I was sick, told me that I had a huge impact on his life bla bla... We remained friends for 3 years, until he finally asked if I would ever consider dating him, 6 months later I agreed to give it a try knowing that our friendship would ultimately pay the price. In the meantime he told me that he has a 3 week old son with a selfish a woman who "ruined" his life because she had the audacity to keep the child only after dating him on and off for 6 months. I should have walked away then. We’ve been together for 3 years now and I still have not met the mother of his son, I had a feeling but now I see why. Who knows what control spell she is under... The son and I developed a very strong bond as if he was my own because we spend so much time with him on the weekends when he is with us. My heart breaks for this child as I know the person his father really is and his son will never know the love and joy of a loving home(the mother is single). We don’t live together and had a long distance relationship for a while, anytime moving in together came up there was always an excuse. We do lead very independent lives, are very busy people, which is ideal for a ludus, its easy for him to have numerous relationships with women. I know that during our entire relationship he has continued to have relationships with ex’s and women at the offices he’s worked at. Ive confronted him on it and got the typical "how dare you accuse me..." His behavior goes back in history as there is a lot of overlap with the women hes kept in touch with over the past decade. Once I really started listening to his words he told me pretty much everything who he is, not even realizing consciously what came out, they think they are so above it and they will never be discovered. He was thrilled to find out that his married friend had an affair and called him "The Man" as if that was his idol. He always says he is "misunderstood". He is very charming, good lover, flirtatious and has an English accent, loves the finer things in life and does very well for himself. Women eat that up like candy... there is always a naive one ready to take the bait. I always know when something is not going well for him with his other girlfriends because he gets so attached to me for a while. When it comes to us, he tells me everything I want to hear and its sounds sooo sincere as if I was the only one in his life that mattered. I bet that every woman heard the same words that I did, which makes it easy to make the decision to move on. Knowing you are just a number, your emotions are just the piano keys he plays so well. There will be many more women after you and many more kids he will father. Staying with a ludus is an emotional prison. There is no salvation for a ludus, they love the hunt and control of you, once they notice you are drifting they know how to bring you back in and chain you again. It is us who are really addicted to them, because they make it so easy and loving to stay and love them.

I wish you all the best, stay STAY STRONG, TRUE and LOVE YOURSELF. You don’t have to suffer, get support to free yourself and stop your pain. I was lucky enough that I did not fall for the marriage thing, even though he asked a couple of times, but I already knew of all his affairs. Marriage is the ultimate security for a ludus, as they know you are hooked for life. They have their cake and can eat it too.
The ultimate fear for a ludus is loosing the control over a partner through their manipulation. Without that they are nothing. Let it go and you will be FREE.
written by Guest, 18 December, 2007
We should feel sorry for these poor misguided Ludas lovers, but not enough to be with them.
How do they end up this way?
written by Eros/Agape type here!, 08 May, 2008
Guest (dec 1smilies/cool.gif, I had to laugh when I read your question.

I immediately realized that a typical ludus lover would think of us, if they spent any time thinking of us that is, as sad jerks for being so gullible. And then I realized that they don’t feel anything for us at all except how much fun they can have, how much they can take from us.

I guess a few of them turn out this way because of childhood abuse and so on. But mostly nowadays, I don’t think it has much to do with psychology. I reckon it’s neurological hardwiring – a sort of personality disorder that cannot be counseled or changed.

another point – interesting isn’t it that we never hear of ludus/ludus couplings.... ?? smilies/wink.gif
written by blind, 19 September, 2008
omg... I’m married to the devil.
written by Awake now, 17 October, 2008
These stories are so familiar, it’s good to know I’m not alone. He came off as so perfect, everyone thinks he’s an upstanding member of society, but he’s just a sad guy who cheats on the woman he ‘loves’. Kept me on a string until now, I even moved countries to be with him. But now I’m awake to his manipulations, and it can only get better from here.
written by Bliss, 19 November, 2008
I agree with Eros/ Agape type Here! These Ludas lovers are actually Personality Disorders, Selfish, Manipulate others for their own selfish needs, once you have decided to escape from them!!! You stand a better chance of meeting an emotional healthy person, stay with a PD and you will be damaged some way or another.
written by Jiffy, 29 January, 2009
Wow... so, sitting here, reading all this, I see who he is. But when I talk to him, I love him SO much, and he is SO sincere. I’ve tried to leave twice, and I just can’t do it. WHY??? How can I walk away???
written by Razed & Confused, 20 May, 2009
When I first read the description of a Ludas I didn’t think my husband was one, but now I’m afraid he might be. He doesn’t look or seem like the type. He was so naive when we met, he was very nearly a virgin, and he always told me that he wished he had waited for me.
When I suspected that he was seeing someone and confronted him with it, he looked like the world was literally about to end. How colossal idiot am I? That look on his face broke my heart; the woman had already left the state; so I didn’t mention it again. Not when I found a letter from one of his friends expressing more than a friendly interest in him. Not when he volunteered to stop writing to her, then ran up several hundred dollars on an overseas phone call talking to her for hours. Not when I found his profile on a social site listing him as single. I didn’t mention it again until I found some very explicit conversations he was having with a coupe of women on the net. Then I got in my car and started to drive the 900 miles to my mother’s house, but she wouldn’t have had room for my kids, and in the end I just couldn’t leave them, so I turned around and went back home. My husband swore that he wouldn’t do anything like the email again; and that nothing ever happened years ago with the woman he had been to see, he said that he had thought about it but it was something he just couldn’t do.
Four years later I again find explicit email, and loving e-cards to two other women he corresponded to online. Oddly enough that made realize the real story of the affair ten years before, and that she had worked with him for a few months. But trying to get the truth from him was like trying to pull the sword from the stone. Every time I was about to walk out the door I got just enough truth to keep me there. That period was awful, but his pain and contrition was so genuine, we spent two days without food or sleep. He was in such bad shape that I was too afraid for him and our family to leave. When I felt I had the whole truth, we set about the excruciating task of trying to salvage our marriage. He was willing to do whatever I felt necessary to resuscitate our marriage. It literally almost killed me, but in six months our marriage was back on track and we were closer than ever before. Eventually I even began to trust him again. Fast forward six years, there had only been a couple of rough patches due mainly to the stress of his job. So imagine my disbelief when I find email from a woman he met on a work trip abroad. I didn’t see anything explicit but definitely romantic and definitely inappropriate. My first reaction was to tell him ‘don’t come home’. I was rather surprised when he honored my wishes for that day. The next day he was away for work, and when he returned, he came home to do something for the family that needed to be done, but was also very thoughtful and considerate. That lead to a verbal exchange which lead to yelling, then talking. So I guess I have bent your ears to say that I don’t know what I’m doing now. Almost everything in our lives indicates that we should be a great couple. We have incredibly compatible tastes in everything, we have more fun together than any couple I’ve ever met. We have a great sex life, we’re looking forward to doing the same things in the near future. My husband is charming, funny and usually very sweet to me. We’ve now been together more than half our lives and I love him now more than when I married him twenty years ago. Almost everything about him says that if there is a ONE, HE is it. I’d never thought that I could be the type of person who would choose to stay in a deceptive relationship. But maybe I made that choice a long time ago and refused to realize it. I find myself unable to think straight. Any advice would be appreciated.

written by a Ludas puppet, 05 November, 2009
Ludas- so there is a name for my lying, cheating, back stabbing husband. Nice to know. My advice to everyone on here is get out the 1st time. I didn’t and wish I had. Now I feel it’s too late. I stay because of religious belief and children. A true Ludas will look you straight in the eye and lie right through his/her teeth. Yes, I know females do it too, because half of my Ludas’ conquests are married woman. Trust your intuition because you’ll never get a straight answer from them. Like when you pick up the cell phone bill and your hands start to shake like crazy or the check book has too many blank entries. The first time I caught him red handed I had nowhere to go. I have very little family/friend support and after awhile they get sick of hearing it. And a true Ludas will either a) make you think you’re crazy b)make you think it’s your fault and the most of all c)have you so broken down you’ll think you can’t do it on your own.
Everyday in a relationship like that just takes away more and more from your identity until you think if I’m not Ludas’ wife then who am I???
Like I said get out the 1st time- even if it’s only suspicion. Nobody should waste the best years of their life like I have.
written by A-rainbow, 30 December, 2009
I am married to a ludus, who is more than just cold-blooded and worthless. He came walking wounded, victim and never dealt with it, part child never grew up, just a person, a human.
HOWEVER...all of these things that are said here true: that he often lies compulsively, has been caught email cheating (very subtlety), chatting, talked way too much about other women, does not appreciate the love I have for him and takes for granted the life we have together.

LADIES: he plays on my sympathies as well... he knows I feel deeply for others and will sacrifice for them.

--->He says its a wonderful quality, "Child of God" but he doesn’t live as if he cherishes or respects it. He doesn’t sacrifice to give back.

When I take realistic inventory, Sadly but Fortunately, my ludus husband has/does not show real love. I can now see where although he deceived me, I have allowed myself to be treated badly. He has NOT been generous, kind or thoughtful on nearly enough occasions to warrant my love. He continually makes mention of what we can buy for him. NEVER for me. What we need to get to satisfy his needs, not mine. He really hardly listens when I express myself.

If I tell him my needs or want new behaviors from him I am trying to "change him into something/someone he is not." THIS – MY FRIENDS – is just when asking for care, concern, thoughtfulness and the return of phone calls during the day, etc... – THE BASICS, we all should have !!!

He knows I am loyal and have integrity. He has said things that are borderline degrading at times, been unsupportive of me at work, and everything IS MY FAULT, of course! Now he won’t work and that’s probably my fault, too.

The toll has been taken. Hair lost, money lost, sleep lost, nerves frazzled... and not nearly enough happy days or love or loving gestures sent my way. I ALSO have to finally "root out" why I made a year, or even why I ever said ‘I do’.

I realized at some point, I was chasing him for all my needs. .....WHY????..... I could have picked someone else, I thought! ... He really wasn’t that great !?!

SOMEHOW and for some reason I find myself in a cycle of trying to get something from someone who is determined NOT to give it to me.
FORGET IT !!!! My life is too valuable, I am too precious and this is a short life we have here: NOT a dress rehearsal. There is only one "you." I KNOW I am not perfect, but I want to evolve to be the best version of myself God created me to be...apparently, he does not. He refuses any outside help or counseling and frankly after reading here I am glad my time hasn’t been wasted on fake or false participation only to get me in deeper.

People have said to me, "You can’t change a grown-up person." And this I know for fact! Only God can effect that kind of change as He sees fit (and usu. the person involved wants change).

I have to leave this marriage for my health – STRESS CAN KILL – and we must keep our SANITY (mental & emotional health). I have to preserve ME. If I don’t insist upon it, I will be flushed and he will live on until a coconut falls on his head -0R whatever (he could be 75).... who knows?

The reality is for us is as someone once told me: IF THERE IS NO "YOU" ... THEN NONE OF THE REST OF THIS REALLY MATTERS, NOW DOES IT?

God is always good! No matter how it seems He will save us, but we have to grab onto the "life float" once we see it. ***[It is easy to turn away or be convinced otherwise, but we usually know when we have given, tried or done all we can do.]***

written by Mila, 01 January, 2010
The lesson is: a woman should always LISTEN to her 6th sense – her gut feeling. When things go awry-it will just keep going downhill from there. Don’t fight your instincts.
written by vj, 12 March, 2010
written by Raisa34, 20 June, 2010
I came to the US with my husband who got a job at a big university as a research professor. Since he was very busy all the time, knowing no one, I got lonely and depressed, sitting alone at home. Someone finally took me to a christian church for a gathering organized by a christian group and its director who was ( still is ) a campus minister ‘serving’ internationals who come to study or work at this particular university. This minister approached me, offered all kinds of help and even though I was very reluctant initially ( my gut level feeling told me that there was something wrong with the guy but of course I convinced myself as all the ladies above, that I was paranoid, etc.), I accepted the favors and his help. He even drove me to his Bible study. We got very close and intimate, he became part of my family and finally after 2-3 years he initiated sex. At the same time, being part of his ministry, I discovered that he was doing exactly the same thing with 2-3 other women, all foreigners who came to the US for a couple of years. I was devastated since he told me all the time how deeply he is in love with me, etc. I checked his emails ( so ridiculous, he writes the same things to every women...),the phone record showed that he called other women 8-10 times a day, went out to lunch and dinner alone even though he is married plus a minister who is not supposed to meet women alone at all.
It’s been 6 years now and he is still doing the same with newer, innocent young ladies in their 20s, taking advantage of the fact that they are coming from different countries, knowing practically nothing about sexual harassment, their rights and the proper role of a pastor. And of course, he keeps telling me how much he loves me and that he cannot live without me.
He became such a big part of my life, that it’s not very easy for me to stop the relationship. He’s mastered lying and acting, everything he says is absolutely convincing. He can manipulate me to the core, especially since I’m a very honest and straightforward woman. I’m trying to replace the emotional support he’s been giving to me but I have a need that is not met in my marriage and he is just so good at providing it.
I know he’s lying, and still willing to go on with this emotional abuse. I think I developed codependency.
Sometimes I wonder, how many young women he ruined emotionally and how many he will and how unhappy his wife must be.

Ladies, the biggest lesson I learned in this is that never underestimate your guts. I did and look what happened to me. And you, too.
written by Needs some support, 15 October, 2010
My husband was my dream man. He was the first man ever to pursue me rather than the other way around. In fact he sought me out 5 years prior to our first meeting from a picture on my friend desk at work. Long story short, I lived a thousand miles away and we met through my friend and after 6 months of constant phone calls, emails (there wasn’t a day we didn’t speak)and a few visits we were married and I moved to his state. Ours was a fairytale. Golden. Our story made people cry. I would joke my husband should give lessons on how to be the perfect husband because he was SO considerate and respectful of me. He’s a beautiful man. Intelligent beyond belief, talented and creative and very attractive. I love him with all my heart and soul. I understand and honor wedding vows more than most. In this day of high divorce rates I chose to wait until I was sure to get married to the right person. He was it.... no questions asked. This is his second marriage. His first was his high school sweetheart. A nice women. I have no issues with her. My husband fell ill when the recession began and lost his job and insurance. for 2 years I have taken care of him and worked my ass off to get him medicaid and SSDI benefits. A feat that everyone said would be denied. I had him approved in 3 months. He is not happy about it because he is a strong man and does not want to be labeled disabled. But I encourage him that this is not permanently and that we have to do something to stay afloat and get him the medical attention he needs. So many other things started crashing down. Our dog died. His daughter got pregnant. His illness, unemployment runs out. Now, 2 years later, he tells me that I’ve treated him like a project. That I haven’t been there for him emotionally. He says I lost him along time ago. He’s taken up with a little girl who is 20 years younger than him. He says they are just friends because they have so much in common. Musically, movies, traveling. They met during a photo shoot that I helped with. He, a former musician now photographer. She an aspiring vocalist and college student. Now they want to play out together and they practice 3 nights a weeks. They email and Facebook and talk on the phone (just like he used to do with me) constantly and he hides everything from me. I have found pictures of them labeled "US" and personal pics of our house our dog and even him after a seizure that he has mailed to her. He always tells me he doesn’t reveal anything personal. Not buying it!! He now has been hinting that he want to go away by himself for a couple of days. We are in counseling and I’ve tried to get him to admit his attraction. I point blank stated if he wanted to see someone else to just tell me and let me go. No response. I’m losing my mind. He screams and yells and tells me he doesn’t want to fail another marriage. But he talks of our problems in a very institutional cold way. Never stating that he’s afraid to lose ME! I’m doing everything I’m suppose to do to help myself. I’m gearing up for divorce but trying to salvage our marriage. I feel so alone. I don’t understand how on July 25th he blogged about how wonderful a wife I am and he wishes everyone the happiness he found and then 3 months later we’re in counseling and he’s got this stupid tart on the side! All I’m looking for here in this posting is a bit of support from you ...the readers...I’m lonely and hurt and still very much in shock. I know I can’t control him or his actions or make him love me again even though he says he still does love me. But I can’t take the lack of respect which he thinks we still have for each other. He’s delusional. I hate this........... can we fast forward to a year from now to a happier time...with or without him but i pray with him so I can stop feeling so much pain.... please!! Why do men do this? I really thought he had more integrity. Now what I see is insecurity. grrrr
written by kfre, 05 November, 2010
I met my husband when I was 16 I am now 22 the 6th of november will mark our 6 years of being husband started calling phone chat lines when we moved to a different city after we both had graduated from college.. I didn’t find out about this until a year later when we moved back to our home town, one night I had woken up and he wasn’t laying in bed next to me I went to see if maybe he was watching tv and couldn’t sleep..he was not anywhere in the house I went outside and saw him in his car I knew something felt wrong I banged on his window and told him to open the door he looked scared and started messing with his phone he finally opened the door..I asked who he was speaking with he said his brother...I asked to look at his phone because something felt off..he had erased his phone history! What an idiot I work for a cell phone company ik you can check on our acnt live feed of who he was talking to I ran inside turned on the computer when to to his phone line and called this 1800 number he walked in the room while I was calling the number then left as soon as I heard what I was my hands started to shake my heart broke I couldn’t even breathe...we fought and fought and fought about this...he said he would stop that he was just curious he cried and begged me to forgive him I did.. 5 mnths later we were married... about 6mnths into our relationship I was playing a game on his phone something told me to check his instant there I saw a saved said "what are you doing hottie" and things of that nature he was sitting next to me on the couch as I was reading this I started to shake again my heart beating so fast and loud it was broken I looked at him and said how could you and. I just cried and balled he said that had been an old msg and he had forgotten to erase it and she was a random girl and it meant nothing...I bought his story because I just wanted too...about 1mnth after that I went out with some friends for some girl time..that night I wasn’t really feeling well and I wanted to be home with my husband so I asked my friend if she could take me home early as soon as I got home I had a strange feeling he should have been sleeping because he works at 5am and it was about 11 I saw the bedroom light on I tried to be as quiet as possible...I opened the door he had his laptop in the bed room I asked him with were u doing he confessed he had been video chatting with girls online the asshole was shirtless I started shaking I wanted to slap him I wanted to hurt him because he had no idea how much he had hurt me I went to my parents house that night and cried like a baby in my mothers arms this would b the first time I told anyone what happened...the next day he went to their house he cried and evn told my parents he can’t blv he could do this to me blah blah blah I went back home with him...2mnth later I find out I’m has been 8mnths now I’m due next mnth...but just two days ago he tells me he is starting to have these feelings again of wanting to be single and how he can’t stand my jealousy he said he wanted to come clean about hy he did what he did he said that because I was his first everything he felt like he missed out on seeing other women and tht was his way of 0dating" he thinks that because he never "touched" anyone that he didn’t do anything wrong he said he asn’t sure about us...he then left the house I cried so hard and I hated him for making me feel like this while pregnant he came back home and said sorry he is just panicking because the baby is almost here....idk if he has changed or if he will do this again...since he confesses id want my daughter growing up and seeing me cry over her father...what should I do?
written by apathy and ecstasy, 29 November, 2010
I’ve been involved with a ludus for a little under a year now and I’ve figured out that when it comes to your options, they’re limited.

you can:

1. Turn a blind eye to what they’re doing and delay the what you know to be true.

2. Don’t care about what they do. In short, shut off your emotions.

3. Play their game. (don’t cheat, but turn their tactics against them. Don’t let yourself be blamed).

4. End the relationship. The hardest part is keeping it ended.
written by Burn, 04 September, 2011
Sadly, I was a Ludus. I had tons of insecurities when I was young. I buried them deep inside of me, but they slowly chewed me up, and this reflects in all my relationships. I never felt in control, so I wanted to. And this was how I got through it.
I cheated, fought, scolded, dumped. Everything you could imagine. I’d go out all day with another man, not answer calls, and scold my bf if he ever dared to bring it up. If he wanted to talk, I’d say: Bitch, leave. I’m not keeping you here.
I have never been out of a relationship since I was 14 (I’m now 21), it’s just been boy after boy, and dumping them after I’m through, because I always keep 2-3 more at the side.
Too all the Ludus’s reading this: One day, you will find yourself alone, with nothing but regrets. I used to feel proud about playing clueless men, and now I’m just sad. Those men would have dedicated their life to me. And now, when I wish to do the same.. All in all, love is what really matters, not winning a game.
written by dementedsoul, 15 November, 2011
I am a women ludus with kids and a husband, a lover and other side called a f buddysmilies/smiley.gif did not grow up in loving home but strange thing I give love to my kids and it seems like I am numb and just want my next fix like a meth addict..PLEASE PEOPLE WHO OUR DATING OUR TYPES..don’t listen to US..we are just there for or make US feel better and you lose control that WE CAN CONTROL YOU!! I wish I would get caught and be over with this act and games. I love my husband and use other 2 for sex mainly and oral and then there like my other side..freaky side. I do sometimes act like I have 3 personalities and each other they get to see that side of strange but I am sure other ludus cope like that and have no feelings we detached from the person 100& no matter what we are there just for the high and being yarned for and wanted. I do think most famous people are like that and casanova was a big timer in being unfaithful..the media makes it great but is not in the end. WE WILL ALL BE ALONE and wished we did not act foolish and messed with peoples hearts. I think everyone cheats but this is like past cheating is like"our other life.
written by lost , desperate and confused, 02 September, 2012
I feel sick to my stomach reading all of this. It’s a complete blueprint of my boyfriend.He’s cheated on me once that i know of (long term relationship) and my gut is screaming there have been more. Our sex life has taken a nose dive and I’m constantly trying to bring it to his attention. He just keeps telling me it’s’s life...he’s tired...I’m tired...he’s sick...etc. Then when he actually wants sex from me we have it maybe 2x then another 6 weeks go by then the fighting starts again. We used to have sex very regularly ,,it was wonderful. We were so happy. He moved away from the other side of the country to be with me. When he got here 6 months later i discovered he was cheating on me the whole time with another woman. God, the story he made up...almost hilarious now when i think about it. I contacted her and she told me the whole truth. She did not know about me either. In fact, he was also married at the time. He is 100% ludus. I’m so desperate to finally end things with him. My gut tells me he is cheating again. But i love him so deeply. I feel like such a fool leaving my ex husband who did nothing but love me unconditionally for a man like him. Although i was no longer in love with him anymore i still fell hard for a man who i thought was honest and had integrity...boy was i wrong. somebody please please help me with this problem...i have no idea what to do!!!
written by lost , desperate and confused, 02 September, 2012 confused
written by Kirsty mac, 04 February, 2013
18 months ago I had not long got in from work and my door bell rang. There stood a man who said to me do you know my wife I replied no and he said well she has been seeing your husband. My whole world collapsed and I felt as if I was going to pass out . Later that day my husband came home and I confronted him he denied it at first but then told me he had. He said he cheated because he did not feel loved by me. Now at this time I was recovering from ovarian cancer and had undergone a hysterectomy. My health was do bad that I couldn’t even love myself never mind another. Well I threw him out and he begged me to take him back which I did but he moved away to another city to work and I was to follow him. Well it just never happened he called me several times to say he didn’t think the marriage was working then he would change his mind. Each time I would be broken inside, then the other day he called and told me he did not want me anymore yet again!! This time I never begged but instead just hung up.. I have never spoken to him and although I feel used and dumped at the age of 52 there really was nothing to say to this stranger who I thought was my husband.
written by ivyowl, 25 February, 2013
This blog is extremely interesting and valuable. Thank you for providing it.

Reading the relationship descriptions- I am not sure what attachment style I have. I think I am both an anxious and an lutes. When I do attach to relationships, it’s an anxious attachment. And I don’t feel good being in control. But I think I do dance in between the two.

I am 45(female) and my longest romantic relationship lasted 4 years, and it was hell on earth, and it lasted WAY too long.

My background is this. Some people grew up with parents that never fought in front of the kids. Mine was the other way around, I NEVER saw them get along. Ok there were one or two notable moments when for five minutes they were not yelling at each other. And I am not exaggerating, FIVE MINUTES. Oh..and one time they were both together at a parents night at school really putting on an act for every body. I tried to build relationships based on those few examples, and what I saw on TV.

I literally don’t know how to have a good relationship. I don’t know how to attach in a healthy way. I never married. Never had kids. And I endure "spinsters with cats" jokes ( I love cats!) and being looked down on by certain members of society BECAUSE I refuse to marry out of desperation to a man I don’t love who would make a good father or some nonsense..

And bring another me into the

Other Options:

  • View all tags (specific issues)
  • View all questions listed by topic (broader focus)

I have my own question to ask

Truth About Deception – back to our home page.

 Original Article