Checked out another woman’s picture on Facebook

My girlfriend and I went to a friend’s bbq party over the weekend. We had fun, but I noticed a woman. On Monday, I went to Facebook and looked for her among our mutual friend’s friend-list. I found her, looked at a couple of pictures and then forgot about it. Why did I do this? Because I was mildly attracted to her and wanted to see a picture. As it turns out, my mild attraction wasn’t even that -- I felt bad about the whole thing, and went about my day.

That night, after a fight (unrelated to any of this), I went outside for a walk to clear my head. My gf and I have a good relationship, and love each other. We fight sometimes, but usually make up relatively quickly. In any case, that’s why I wanted to take a walk, so we could both calm down, and hopefully make up later that night or the next morning.

While I was gone, she snooped on my laptop and saw that I’d looked at this woman’s picture. She confronted me about it early this morning. She was understandably upset -- "why am I not enough for you?", "why did you look at this woman?" I didn’t really have any good answers.

Now, I’m left feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and disconnected from my partner. I know it was wrong to look at the pictures. But I also know I love my gf, and it feels bad to know she snoops on me. It isn’t the first time she’s done it, and now I’m just resigned to the notion she’ll never trust me. I have never, and would never have an affair with anyone else. I can’t defend looking at the pictures, but... but what? I don’t know.

What can we do? Am I bad person?


No, you’re not a bad person.

Even if you’re in love with your girlfriend and have a great relationship, you will be attracted to other people. Looking at someone’s pictures online is fairly harmless. Many people find celebrities attractive and look pictures of them… as long as you don’t try to initiate a conversation.

With that said, you should try to make your girlfriend feel understood (see rebuilding trust).

Acknowledge her emotions—“You’re upset and concerned” and tell the truth—“Yes, I looked at her photo”.

Apologize and say, “I am sorry”.

If she asks you why you did it, tell her the truth—perhaps you were bored, curious, or whatever.

It also sounds like your girlfriend may have an anxious style of attachment and need a lot of reassurance (see anxious attachment). If you can tell her, “I love you” that is probably what she wants to know.

Eventually, you should share how you feel about her snooping as well (see talk about problems).

 anxious attachment | trust issues

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