A book by a founder of this site.
I am crazy about someone who doesn’t love me back
I’m not sure this is the right place to ask but...
I’ve known this guy for over a year now and when I first met him I felt like I’d been hit by a bus! Being shy and having not dated for years I kept how I felt to myself. I couldn’t wait for group to see him, just to be able to look at him! We met a couple of times a week. When it came time for him to leave group I was stunned when he asked for my number. We started texting each other and he asked had I liked him and how long had I wanted to be with him. We flirted by text for awhile, and then I felt guilty for not admitting I’d liked him for ages, having lied to him so sent an email telling him how I felt, etc.
He replied to say he wanted to stay in touch but wasn’t ready for a relationship now. He said “this is not a no to anything happening between us, just a no to right now.” We kept texting/emailing and started instant messaging (chat), and the flirting continued. I had been asked out by an older man from the group, who I turned down, and when I told him he got jealous and said “good I’d hate to have to start killing” (he was not serious, he is not violent by nature). We had arranged several times to meet, but it always got canceled, due to either me or him having contact with children etc, (always valid reasons). I had resolved that this wasn’t going where I wanted it to go and I decided to end it with him rather than get brokenhearted later.
Around his birthday I sent a message to wish him HB and he started a conversation, in which he mentioned he started to ‘sorta’ see someone and that he did not want me to be too upset! I told him that I was happy, if he was happy. A week or so later in another chat I asked how things were and he said “ok, but I still want you.” We met up 2 weeks (or so) later, this being the first time we’d seen each other in 8 months and he came to my house and we slept together.
We’ve met a few times, sometimes just a couple of blocks from his girlfriend’s house, for a few minutes here or there, sometimes I get hugged or a peck on the cheek. He stunned me 2 weeks ago by inviting me over while he had his child and he introduced me to his kid. He’s been to my place and we slept together several times, but he is still seeing his girlfriend, who does not even know I exist.
I know its cliché but I’m in love with him. I am obsessed by him. I go to sleep thinking about him, wake up thinking about him; I can’t get him out of my thoughts. I’d drop everything if he asks me to and I would do anything for him. I am so desperate for him I even considered getting pregnant just so if I wasn’t with him, I’d have part of him to hold onto. I know this is totally wrong and not sensible but I want him, I need him—I miss him. I want more!
Please help. I feel like I’m going insane—completely crazy.
How can you fall out of love with someone? By the way, I am 36 years old.
From our perspective, this is probably not going to end very well. Relationships work best when they are based on equality (see healthy relationships).
Relationships are stable when people are equally attracted to each other, hold similar feelings for each other, and demonstrate equal amounts of respect for each other, and so on (also see my husband is having a midlife crisis and my boyfriend is never home).
By telling his guy how much you liked him, while being honest, it probably also reflected an asymmetry (you liked him more than he liked you). Such asymmetries often scare people away. The implicit logic goes like this: If you like me so much, but I don’t like you as much, perhaps you are not my equal, and therefore, I can and should date someone better than you.
In such situations, people often say that they are not ready for a relationship, but then they quickly get into a relationship with someone else.
If this is the case, you are extremely vulnerable to others who want to exploit you for their own needs (their sexual needs, their emotional needs, all sorts of favors, etc). While this might sound very cynical, did you consider the possibility that you were introduced to his kid, so that you might be in a position to watch the kid sometime in the future? Unfortunately, people who need love the most, are often exploited.
And going out on the limb even a little further: Is this the first time you’ve found yourself in this situation—being used by someone you love, who does not love you back?
If this is the case, we strongly recommend talking to a professional counselor. This dynamic will most likely repeat itself over and over until you learn how to experience and express your love and affection for others in a different manner (see emotional support).
And in the meantime, we strongly suggest that you break off all sexual contact with him. In a situation like this, sexual contact will only lead more emotional instability in the long run (see romantic attachments).
We wish we had something more positive to say.
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.