My Wife Kissed Another Man

I have been married for 7 years and have 2 children. I believe we have a very strong honest and open marriage. I feel very lucky and brag to my friends all the time.

I am in the military so I have spent time away from my wife, 13 months to be exact, I never once thought she would cheat or worried about it. The time has come once again for me to spend the next 12 months over seas away from my family. I’m about 2 months into my tour our feelings are the same as last time I had to go away.

Until the other day, my wife went to a concert with her close friend (she doesn’t drink much) she called me the next day crying she said those infamous words: "I have to talk to you about something."

Immediately I’m thinking the worst. She told me another man kissed her and she didn’t push away. Instead, she turned away from him then turned back to him and she initiated a second kiss and it was more than a peck on the lips. Her friend then grabbed her and pulled her away. She is telling me this that she doesn’t remember it her friend is the one who told her (do you remember what you did last night) she admits to being way to drunk.

I feel like some one stuck a knife in my back and betrayed me. I wonder is this all that happened? I can’t stop thinking about it. My wife is very upset that it happened and feels awful. I’m glad she told me and hopes she can tell me anything. I’m not angry. I’m hurt and don’t know what to say.

I love her and she loves me I believe. Am I overreacting? I tell myself it was only a kiss it’s not a big deal she was drunk and at least she told me and she didn’t lie. My mind runs wild what really happened. Did more happen than she is saying and will it happen again? Can I trust her? She since then has decided to not drink like that again. Well of course I will stay with her and work through problems. I just feel like my trust for her isn’t as strong and can no longer brag to my friends how lucky I am.

Response:

It makes complete sense why you feel so hurt. It can be very difficult to deal with a spouse’s sexual contact with another person – even a kiss can produce feelings of jealousy, insecurity, betrayal, and a loss of trust (see what counts as cheating).

But, from our perspective, things could be worse. Given that your wife told you what happened, that she was intoxicated at the time, and that her friend stopped her, it is probably not going to happen again.

People who cheat usually work hard to conceal what they have done, rather than confess. Moreover, cheaters often have to enlist their friends for help in cheating, but your wife’s friend did just the opposite. Finally, excessive alcohol can seriously impair one’s judgment, especially when it comes to attraction and sex. But from what you’ve said, it is very unlikely that your wife would cheat on you if her judgment was not impaired.

While this may be little comfort to you now, most people dealing with a cheating spouse would probably envy your situation. Your wife seems genuinely sorry and remorseful about what happened and she is unlikely to do it again.

So, our best advice to you is to talk to your wife about how you are feeling. It is important to talk about such feelings; otherwise they have a tendency to come out in ways that are a lot less productive (see talk about problems).

We wish you the best of luck.

 cheating wife

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