Seeking my husband’s forgiveness

I have been married for six years to an amazing man but I have lied to him a handful of times over the years and he has lost all trust in me. Now all of a sudden his parents, who hate me, tell him I am cheating and he says he heard it from others too. I am not though and when I asked these people if they said it they said “no.” My husband got mad that I didn’t let him take care of talking to them and said it was because I don’t trust him, which is not true. I do. Now he won’t talk to me, touch me, or even tell me he loves me.

How do I get him to forgive me and trust me again? I love him so much I just want to make things right I never would have asked if I had known he would get this angry.

Response:

When people are lied to in a close relationship, it not only destroys trust, but it makes people feel vulnerable.

Some individuals realize that all relationships have their ups and downs. They are able to take multiple perspectives into account and understand that everyone makes mistakes from time to time. Such individuals are able to work through their anger relatively quickly. They discuss their feelings with partner and if they feel understood, they are able to see the situation from the other person’s point of view and they are able to forgive their partner for what happened (see the power of forgiveness).

Other individuals have a much more difficult time forgiving a partner for making mistakes. Typically, individuals with an anxious or dismissing style of attachment have a harder time dealing with their anger and seeing the situation from their partner’s point of view (see attachment styles).

If you are dealing with a partner, who has a difficult time working through their emotions, it is important to make them feel both understood and in control.

While it was natural for you to want to talk to others about what was actually said, doing so probably made your husband feel less in control of the situation. If that is the case, then it is important to work extra hard to validate your husband’s feelings (see validate feelings). Try to acknowledge the mistakes that you have made and apologize for what you have done. Try to avoid offering explanations or excuses, until he asks for them.

The more you push the issue or try to resolve it; it will probably only increase his anger and make him feel less safe. If you can let him work through his feelings in his own way and at his own pace, it might help him recover more quickly. The worse thing you can probably do at this point is to try to force a resolution—doing so is not going to help him regain his sense of control.

 lying wife | save relationship | trust issues

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