I suspect that my husband engaged in gay activities

I caught my husband once, late at night, chatting with a man and when I asked to use his phone, the chat was deleted. I confronted him about it and asked if he was gay, he just told me that it was men’s talk and he knew I wasngoing to be pleased with the content of the conversation.

Last year he called me to say that I donneed to come pick him up at work, he will walk, because I had an appointment around that time that he wanted to come home. I decided to go and surprise him at his office, while we were still on the phone—when he told me not to come pick him up.

It was on his birthday. When I reached his office, I saw a car parked outside. The office was locked and I knocked. He did not open the door, although I saw the key hanging on the inside of the door. I knocked and phoned him, while waiting outside the door. He only opened the door 15 minutes after I arrived with the explanation that he knew I would think that he is doing something wrong. When I entered the office, a young man, unknown to me, was with him in the office.

The explanation was that this young man came to wish him on his birthday and wanted to eat some cake. When he heard the car, he kept the door locked, because he knew I suspect him of being gay and he didnwant to hurt me. He was hoping that I would leave and not see the young man with him.

According to him, his friend locked the door when he entered the office and according to the young man, my husband locked the door when he heard the car.

I inquired about this unknown friend of my husband and found out that he is bisexual. My husband stick to his story that nothing happened and that he is not gay. We are married for 10 years and I just donbelieve him. What should I do to find out the truth?

Response:

There are several issues to consider.

First, some people have a difficult time acknowledging their sexual feelings/identity (even though they act on their feelings from time to time). If this is the case with your husband, it can be very difficult for him to admit the truth to himself.

People are great at rationalizing their behavior when it does not fit with their view of their identity. For example, “generous individuals” often have a difficult time acknowledging their selfish actions, “kind spouses” often rationalize their abusive behavior, and so on.

Again, if this is the case with your husband, he will first have to accept his same-sex feelings as part of his identity. If you want to help him, the more you can create a confirming environment, rather than a questioning or accusatory environment, the quicker the truth will come out (see getting others to tell the truth).

You will also probably want to seek out the support of people who are dealing with the same issue. We highly recommend the Straight Spouse Network

 lying husband | suspect cheating

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