Past Comments – Boyfriend lies to me about his ex

written by Suzy, 24 October, 2007

The same thing is happening to me...
The exact same thing...
I can’t control my jealousy nor my questions...
It is very hard though I really love him.

written by marji, 19 December, 2007

this advice makes the betrayed partner feel worse, or seem like it’s his/her fault their partner has lied to them about talking to their ex.

written by CLou, 15 January, 2008

I agree with marj, I’ve recently had issues with my boyfriend with him lying to me, and I read this advice and I’m feeling now like it’s something that I did wrong to make him lie to me...

written by Kissy, 16 January, 2008

I experienced the same thing – for the past 4 years! Wonder how I managed to survive? I get back at him. By doing the same thing he did- chat with other men, dating, even to the point of sleeping with them.
Do I feel goo about it? Not at all. My heart slowly dies and now could no longer feel an y pain he brought to me.

written by Chelbyjoy, 11 February, 2008

I agree with marj and clue... I am in the same situation he says he won’t contact his ex outside of work, yet he still does... This is not helpful advice... it only made me angry to read this.

written by RJ, 13 February, 2008

Wow. A lot more people are going through this than I thought. I have the same problem.

My fiance has previously been married to another woman and I find myself going through his msn chat logs. One time on I looked on purpose and one time on accident. I can’t sleep at night thinking about how she talks about still being attracted to him sexually, the past and trying to bring up when they used to have sex. I try to talk to him about it and he gets angry in an instant calling me invasive. I admit that this might be invasive, but that doesn’t change what has happened and how I cry everyday about it.

written by Marji, 29 February, 2008

Let’s see, it’s been 3 months since I last posted, and I still have bouts of depression and anger every time I think about how he lied about talking to his ex for a year to me.
I know sometimes I am being unreasonable with my demands and anger towards him. But the pain is overwhelming at times, and it paralyzes me. I just don’t know if I’ll ever get over his betrayal. I’ve stopped feeling special a long time ago. Underneath all the anger, I still love him. But the anger and the pain really blurs this fact for me.

written by Katlean, 31 March, 2008

I am going through something like this right now too. I recently married and and my husband is still talking to and about his ex-girlfriend. He refuses to tell her we area married!!!!! I am livid. He broke up with her last year, supposedly, and she calls him still, and she thinks I am just a girlfriend, makes dates for sex. To date, he has not gone on them but I know he wants to cause he tells me so. We are married and they are both disrespecting me and our relationship!!!! I love this man but I don’t like the way I am being treated.

written by Candie, 01 April, 2008

I am also going through the same thing. I am on the verge of ending my year long relationship with my boyfriend or should I say soon to be ex boyfriend because he refuses to tell the truth. He even admitted to me earlier in the relationship when he was caught cheating that he is a pathological liar. How can I continue on with someone who admits this? Love make you do peculiar things, but I need to be strong and realize, there are better men for me out there. Hope this optimistic advise helps you ladies in similar situations.

written by kris kris, 17 April, 2008

I actually am a guy who’s been single for 3 years now, as I’ve never been with anyone apart from my first girlfriend who ended up getting married to a friend after our 2 year relationship ended, but as they got together 1 month after we split up I was unable to get to a point where we could be friends. I’m 26 and don’t think I’ll ever find anyone I think about her every day and distance myself as much as possible from her as she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me although we have the same friends, what can I do as I know if I talk to her (not even about us just normal stuff) she just gives me a funny look I feel sad as she was my best friend and now I don’t have that either, can anyone tell me from a womens point of view whats going through her mind and what I should do? I’m not trying to get her back I think I just need some kind of closure and I can’t say anything as she will tell her husband. Thank you for reading and any help I get.

written by Vicssecret4me, 25 April, 2008

Well, sounds as if we are all in the same boat! Here I am 37 and dealing with "bs" I never thought I would in my age and wisdom! Found him this last Sunday at a bar with his ex wife, who happened to kick him out, because she fell for a man in prison (3 yrs ago...). Oh, did I mention that when they first met each other, she was married to another man, and she kicked him out to be with my now bf! Well, I am officially numb, hurt, and honestly tired of the stupid bs!!! I have distanced myself from him, and told him that this "relationship" is now officially about ME!!! I don’t even have a desire to make love to him anymore. Where as, I was constantly wanting to be intimate with him!!! By the way, this is the fourth time, he has lied to me about his ex. Says he feels sorry for her, and that she is a friend!! Well I said no more... you can call her (trying to negotiate with him) but I insist you NOT hang with her anymore!! Will it stop him?? What he doesn’t know is that I have access to his phone bills, etc... and he is a CRAPPY liar!! So... will keep all posted!! Good luck to all of you who are as weak as me... and still has to stay with a man, who lies... love does "shi**y" things, doesn’t it?

written by mousie, 10 May, 2008

I never in a million years thought that I would be going through this, let alone that there are others like me out there. All I can say is that this has been going on for 3 1/2 years and it still hurts like the first day.. I’ve know my man since the 2nd grade and he’s never payed any attention to me until recently with his wife left him for another man @ took his son.. after that he always loved me, which I found out is all lies.. He’s called me her name, he tries to relive/react every thing they shared
(which I know every detail since we where once friends) I’ve come to the point that all I can do is cry.. He’s lied to me about sooo many things, he claims that they were told to spare my feelings, I’m just at a point that I don’t know what to do anymore. My mind is tired my heart is beat up oh did I mention that we have a child makes things all the harder.. if any one out there who knows what I should do please let me know..

written by GGGG, 18 July, 2008

I have been in the same boat and it is not pleasant the feeling that someone is lying to you.

written by cnd67, 05 August, 2008

I agree totally with marji, clou, RJ, a whole lot of you. I think with my bf, it feels like the only reason he’s with me is because she doesn’t want him. At first his contact with her didn’t bother me. Then he started having a problem with some of my male friends. Said it was because they have low moral standards. I pointed out that his ex did too, yet he still called her all the time, still had a friendship. He said he’d cut contact with her. So I cut contact with my male friends that he didn’t like. he lied, he continued to call her, just did it behind my back. called her 3 times on my 40th birthday, which was a non-event, maybe because his heart was elsewhere. Then he engages in other deceptive practices, privately chatting with, calling, and txting female co-workers and lying about that to me too, like I’m just Ms. You’ll Do For Now. then tells me she’s his "friend" -- heard that before. He’s only been on the job for a couple months... again, he felt the need to hide that from me, close chat windows when I walk in the room, and lie about it when asked. He’s a busy guy. He still has time to continually call his ex. This is the behavior that just furthers my belief that his ex is the one who’s important in his heart, I’m convenient, and he’s going to keep looking for something else. He and I have only been together a year and a half. We’re not married, and he’s not the father of my daughter. these things make my decision easier. We have to leave. All I am doing by staying with him is rewarding his bad behavior and allowing it to affect me negatively. My daughter is 4. She doesn’t deserve to live in this dysfunction.

Whoever wrote the response to the original question missed the mark. I’m not jealous. I’m betrayed. There’s a difference. My bf lied to me from the start. He made himself out to be something he’s not and couldn’t live up to. He moved in with me when he was 41. By then, a guy’s just deceptive by nature.

written by mitter11, 07 August, 2008

I’m reading this and agreeing with most of the comments here.. My girlfriend calls her ex’s approximately 5-6 times a month, and there are 6-7 of them going back 8 years.. I found out 2 years ago, and she promised no to do it anymore, but she keeps doing it anyway. I found out by checking her phone and occasionally her e-mails. Also, she started e-mailing and calling people she meets thru her work as a flight attendant, then when confronted lies about it and tells me they’re gay, then I found out later that’s not true. She says nothing’s going on withe any of them, but I have to believe that there’s something wrong with someone who has the insatiable need to keep in contact with ex’s and new guys constantly. Help, I can’t believe I’m still putting up with this at my age, 48. What should I do?

written by mitter11, 07 August, 2008

to cnd67.. I know exactly how U R feeling.. I hope things work out for you soon, the betrayal is maddening and it slowing eats away at you..good luck

written by mary1981, 01 September, 2008

This is complete and utter crap – my boyfriend is doing the same thing I was looking for a number for his birthday and saw his ex had called he told me that it had been a long time ago. I had already looked and he had talked with her a day before
mind you I have never met her and yet they are friends

written by thisissad., 14 September, 2008

I can’t believe how sad this blog is. I too, suspected things with my boyfriend. I checked his phone and found out he hung out with his ex-girlfriend. after taking a short break, I gave him another chance. BIG MISTAKE. one month later, I caught him again. this time he told me he was at home sleeping- yet I drove by and he wasn’t even home (at 3AM, on my way home from work!!) so I am trying to end things. This just happened yesterday. Its so hard but I know that I will never again be able to trust him. Things can’t just go back to normal. Those knots in the stomach stay there.

written by hmelt88, 17 September, 2008

I try my hardest-like most I’m sure-to make trust the basis of my relationship. my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 months and he was with his ex for at least 2 years before me. i learned (on my own) early on in our relationship that they lived together-which is a big deal for me. he has yet to tell me anything about her--even the fact that they lived together. I feel so guilty, but I’ve looked at his call log several times and found that they talk-not often, but about once a month... I just find it weird that I’ve told him everything about my ex and he’s never said so much as one word about his... I’ve learned more on my own and from his mom that from him...His mom said he knows he made a mistake by dating this other girl (supposedly she was a piece of work) and he just doesn’t want to have to face me with it.... I want to ask him so bad about her but I don’t know how to bring it up. I just want some piece of mind... any suggestions on how to bring it up??

written by whatsleftofme, 29 September, 2008

Wow! I really didn’t think anyone could be putting up with the same things I am putting up with (going on 4 years now) Putting up with this kind of behavior really brings your self-esteem down to nearly nothing. You feel like you are never going to be good enough. Especially after 4 years he still hasn’t decided it would be a good idea to sign the divorce papers. I know all of your issues seem to be at their worst. Trust me, you haven’t made a fool of yourself til you’ve walked a mile in my shoes. For instance, many trips to her home for a week at a time b/c we want to make sure everything is ok with her, going into the other room or completely running me off because she has called or he told her he would call her back. He claims he feels sorry for her b/c she doesn’t have anyone. She uses every manipulating tool available to make him feel sorry for her. Crying, screaming, self-infliction threats, any and everything you can imagine. Neither of them were happy in their marriage. He bent over backwards try to make her happy all in vain. Now I’m the one trying to make him happy and she is still getting the best part of him. He tells me that he will never be that person again. That only makes me feel like less of a person because how can you love and care for someone so much give everything you have and it still not be good enough. Yet all the while he tried the exact same thing with her and she never even appreciated anything he ever done for her. Oh but now she claims she does. Nothing has changed with her and never will. She still acts like the same spoiled ass brat she always did when she doesn’t get her way. I’m a fool for doing this to myself. I know it sounds very simple, and if I weren’t in this situation and were just merely reading about someone else I would say the same thing,"What are you doing? Find someone else!" But that really is not that simple at all when you are in love with someone that so obviously is in love with someone else. All I can say is Lord help me and all of you who are going through this same thing.

written by About his ex, 22 November, 2008

Well, here the same problem. My boyfriend said to me many times that he hasn’t spoken to his ex (luckily she lives in Australia, we in Finland) for a year and 5 months (they met July 2007 but the girl moved back on Aug 2007). But I have discovered that they still in contact and the girl writes to him about how nice his bed was, if he is a good kisser, that they shouldn’t talk about kisses because then the girl wants and cannot get any, that if she had an erotic dream about him...and the stupid of my boyfriend didn’t mention to her that has new girlfriend (me). He is waiting anxious that his ex will be exchange student to Helsinki on Oct 2009 so they can meet and hang out. He has said to her that he wants to see her. My heart dies every time I think about this. I have a gut feeling that I don’t like... Once I told him to take out a picture of he and his ex I found in the net because he told me he doesn’t want pictures of him in there, but he hasn’t done a thing to take it out. I only think that he is waiting for her to come. What can I do? I am bit obsessed about this and I don’t want to give this relation up.

written by Hayley87, 11 December, 2008

I am going through this at the moment. My boyfriend of 5 months lives 3 and a half hours from me. I go up and see him every weekend. He called me by the name of his ex, it was nothing intimate, but it has really ate me up inside. I don’t want to look at him any more! I had so much love for him but by being called by the name of his ex it has shattered my confidence and just doesn’t feel the same. I feel as if every time he looks at me he sees her. I hope he is happy now, shes obviously had one over because he is going to lose me. Its only been a week but its got worse and I can’t be with the guy any longer.

written by Lost in the world of his ex, 25 February, 2009

OMG I thought I was the only one or a least a rare few to be dealing with this!!! After my Bf’s wife committed suicide he ran into a woman he new from High school (so he says( she was actually stocking him)anyway she did everything to she could to make him feel sorry for her( husband abused her threw her out no where to go homeless etc.) so he felt that with his wife of 22 years gone and him being in so much pain and lost after only 2 weeks of his wife’s death he let this woman move in with him. she did nothing but use and took advantage of him even moving all of her family in for him to be responsible for he bent over backwards for her gave and gave and gave even married her after 3 years.(and is still after 11 years trying to get out of major debt for all the credit card bills she ran up and maxed out). then she finally got a job and left him 1 year after they were married(But Her sister still lives here on his property because he gave her 2 acres of his land). anyway now that was 6 years ago and we have been together for two years, he says he cant marry me but refuses to tell me why and insist on and tried to insist on me being friends with her and her family. I am not jealous I just dont understand why he still insists on being involved with these people he even told me he considers her grandkids as his( they came after the divorce and they are not his kids)and he tells everyone they are his. the whole relationship between them consists of her and her family calling constantly with I need this and that and he runs and does for all of them still.IE: she needed a load of hay so he at his expense when and pick up and delivered the hay to her door and unloaded for her.
taking them shopping buying them all expensive gifts and continue to pay the property taxes water rights and all the expense that goes with owning the property that her sister lives on while they live there for free and are in my yard constantly acting like they are the ones who own the place. He does not see a problem with this and gets pissed if I say this is just not right and needs to stop his excuse is "I dont feel there is a problem with this I feel sorry for them and we have been friends since high school and they are just such nice people they would do the same foe US!" All I have seen is them taking and taking and taking from him. He swears is does not feel any Love for any of them he just feels sorry for them because they are not very bright people but the are just so nice and caring people. (the poisoned my dog rode dirt bikes in our yard and tried to run over me and allow there dog to tear up all of my plants. But he doesnt believe they could or would ever do such things because it has always happened of course when he wasnt around or watching he thinks I am just lying to get rid of them and he said "They are her to stay and I better just get use to it" Then he said to make it easier for me to deal with he would stop taking there calls and stop doing things for them. Well after two years he is still getting 3-5 calls a day from them How do I know it is them ? he gets this look on his face each time they call and then sets his phone down and walks away from it without answering it and refuses to say who it is. So if after Two years if if isnt taking there calls and doing things for them like he says they dont you think they would have gotten the hint and stopped calling by now??
I believe they still call constantly because he is lying to me and still is doing things for them behind my back!!! Also I am not allowed to talk to other men weather its the guy from les swab changing my tires a waiter in a restaurant or even his male family members. I love this man with all my heart He is a wonderful person and treats me very good except when it comes to his ex and her family so what do I do it is killing me but I dont want to lose him I have told him it is them or me and he says he has sought help to fix this so he wont lose me but refusing to say anything else – so is he seeing a professional counselor is is getting help to move on or is it just more lies and thats way he wont tell anything else?

written by hopefull, 01 March, 2009

It’s been five months since my bf did that to me I still feel a slight distrust only in my situation. "I found out" he didn’t tell me at all about "her". So I still waiting for the feeling of hurt to go away and at this point I dunno if the image ever does.

written by Ex perspective, 02 March, 2009

I wanted to share a story from the perspective of an ex. My b/f and I broke up couple of years ago after I ended it due to compatibility issues. I still valued his friendship and liked him as a person and so we have kept in touch over a year now (speaking practically every week two-three times or more) Admittedly conversations would become intimate every so often but at no time did I know he was seeing someone else. I had repeatedly asked him if he was dating someone so that I would know to end the frequent contact and stop any inappropriate conversations. He would stress that he had to time to date, he was busy with work etc..he was single!! Recently after our frequent calls in this manner for over a year his current girlfriend called me and he finally confessed that he was seeing someone...so much so that they are engaged. I feel so disgusted and enraged right now, not only for his lies towards me, but for his poor fiancee who like many of you probably never knew he was speaking to me. Once that trust is broken it is difficult to regain and for my part I have no intentions of ever speaking to him again. In this story I am the fortunate one to be free of the lies and deception. I urge you all who suspect your significant others of lying/ cheating etc to stop checking the phones and just confront them..and think clearly if you really want to continue a relationship with that person. Ask yourself can you really ever trust them again!!

written by 7even, 06 March, 2009

Seriously wtf I was in my boyfriend’s email to forward some paypal receipts, and I saw that he dated an email to his exgirlfriend starting with Secret Admirer, I mean hey, I wouldn’t open it normally but whoever that see that would open it anyway right? With a title like From Your Secret Admirer.
Seriously what the fuck I opened it and it was like thinking of you always and things like that.
One time, in the afternoon, he called me by her name by accident, like baby. Seriously, it broke my heart but he assured me it was nothing. The thing is, I like him a lot and we are living together but he and his 2 exes still talk on msn a lot and he ALWAYS say that they are the one talking to him. Seriously who the fuck believes that. So then I stumble upon this e-mail last night, and I really don’t know what to do because I really really really love him a lot. But this is seriously kind of draining my trust from him and he always says that I have trust issues and I need to trust him and things like that. I mean how the fuck am I suppose to trust him if I keep catching him doing things like that.
Everytime I try to ask him to clear things up, he always gets angry half way or he gives some excuse to me that I don’t believe or he try to compare my past experience with him.

I’m so tired because I stayed up all night wishing that I didn’t see the mail but oh well. I guess that’s just the way it is.

Sad.

written by LL, 18 March, 2009

Who needs a man. It’s best to stay single. Dump them. Who needs the mind games and who needs the hurt and wondering if they are contacting their ex-wives or girlfriends all the time. Being called by their name is a also a sign of total disrespect. You are disrespecting yourselves by staying with them. I found it weird when my bf and I went to a restaurant and he ordered a meal that they use to have together. It was like he was trying to go back in time and recreate that moment they had shared together. I was even called her name during nookie. Plus several other times during the day. The room starts getting pretty crowded with a third person. They are still hung up on that person. What is it with these guys. I call it serious mental issues. Move on girls. You deserve better. If they can’t see the loving person they have right now in front of them it’s their lose not yours.

written by KK, 18 March, 2009

Don’t be played for a fool ladies. Break up with him. Leave him alone with his memories and his time chasing after his ex when he should have been spending his time with you.

written by LL, 18 March, 2009

Who needs a man. It’s best to stay single. Dump them. Who needs the mind games and who needs the hurt and wondering if they are contacting their ex-wives or girlfriends all the time. Being called by their name is also a sign of total disrespect. You are disrespecting yourselves by staying with them. I found it weird when my bf and I went to a restaurant and he ordered a meal that they use to have together. It was like he was trying to go back in time and recreate that moment they had shared together. I was even called her name during nookie. Plus several other times during the day. The room starts getting pretty crowded with a third person. They are still hung up on that person. What is it with these guys. I call it serious mental issues. Move on girls. You deserve better. If they can’t see the loving person they have right now in front of them it’s their loss not yours.

written by Megs, 26 March, 2009

Ive only been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, and the start of the 3rd month, he began talking to his exes from 5 years ago and said it was no big deal. So i asked him to stop since he was dating me now. He said he was and deleted a couple numbers. Then I found out someone gave him advice to keep talking to them and keep it from me. Of course I found out that hes been lying to me. And he knew i had trust issues to begin with. I love him soooo much. He was quite possibly the love of my life and we had plans. But its just not worth being lied to. Hes gone.

written by Cyndee, 02 June, 2009

I wish I could sit in a room (face to face) with all of you and discuss this. I am now married to the man that lied to me, which sounds so contradicting in nature. I found out that he lied to me a dozen times a year after we started dating. I forgave him and we talked about it and he realizes that he will NEVER do that to me again. Then the week before we are to be married...I find out from his ex that she had slept in his new townhome..went thru some of the items I had left there and she knew about a personal health issue I had with cancer. I felt betrayed and I still feel betrayed. My love is not the same anymore but my heart still wants me to be with him forever. To make matters worse she made up detailed stories of how they had sex 8 times while he and I were dating. How do I overcome this and will the pain ever go away for me. It seems to depress me and make me sad...I don’t want to be that person but I can’t help the pain I feel that is so strong and it sometimes takes over my whole being.

written by meygan, 09 June, 2009

I know what you all are going through, I’m yet another woman going through the same thing. My boyfriend of a year lied to me right from the beginning, which I only recently found out about- that he was still DATING his ex when we got together! I am NOT by any means a home wrecker. I feel bad for her, and I feel embarrassed to be a part of this. I would have broke up with him when I found that out if I didn’t care so much. I wish that I had the confidence to dump him. He lies to me a lot. I found him in bed with a girl, but of course he didn’t sleep with her, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He hung out with his ex twice without telling me, yesterday he hung out with her for 2 hours but apparently they just "talked". He at least finally admitted that she has texted him, but I still have doubts about all of these things. It sucks. Love makes you put yourself through a lot of hurt and pain. I can’t believe that I am in this situation right now. I sincerely want to leave, but it is going to be incredibly difficult.

written by the heart is tender but the head knows best, 30 June, 2009

I’m on the other side-went through this and I broke up with him. I know all about it my friends. I’ll spare you the details, it is the same as your story. Bottom line- they WILL continue to lie to you. You CANNOT control other people, only yourself. Guess what? I took a chance with my heart for almost 3 years- I gave him an ultimatum NO MORE talking to the ex, I was sick of the lies. He agreed. Guess what, he has been in contact with her even after I gave him an ultimatum that it’s her or me. I learned that once you have to give ultimatums it is doomed.

He just drove it deep underground. Where I couldn’t see it, my entire relationship has been a lie. I also found out he may have dated other girls during the time we were fighting. His side is that he was sick of the fighting so justified contacting her and others even more. That is the mind set of the people you are dealing with.

Now I am living my biggest fear, I stayed with him because I wanted to believe she would be phased out, then things would be wonderful. What I didn’t realize is how bad it would hurt once all this time passed and he chose to lie to me all this time. It’s better to save your dignity people.

Your heart is tender, but your head has to tell it it is not a stupid thing, but that you reasoning has to step in. Take a few steps back, it’s not good to be with someone who you ask them to change behaviors and they don’t. That’s a major red flag. Then you can’t really complain if they kep doing that or worse. And it will get worse because they see you are tolerating it already. Their words are lies to keep you around because they couldn’t get their first choice. Or maybe they are just philanderers. Does it really matter which, it’s not good for you.

Once you take that first step into looking past the lies, you start to lose yourself, your sanity (because you know unconsciously you are being deceived) and trust me the anger you give off is very real. Then they will justify what they do even more.

The bottom line is- if you are with someone who is in contact with exes and you don’t like it, just get out.
Are you happy? Do you like the way this feels? The lump in the stomach? The anxiety? The checking? Life doesn’t have to be like this, just leave.

That’s your only choice, don’t be like me putting your heart on the line to find out what I did. That they would throw you over in a second for this other they have been fighting so hard to keep in contact with. And really, you already know this deep down, right?

Someone that wants to be with you won’t need to be in contact with a harem or even one ex. Break up now while you still have the power in your court. I lost my job because I was not performing well due to all the stress taking it’s toll, you only live once please tell your heart it will heal but your head needs to make the decision. Peace.

written by the heart is tender but the head knows best, 30 June, 2009

I think where people get caught up is in concentrating on the content of the little lies (it was just a birthday call she/he didn’t mention, it was just a lunch she/he didn’t mention, it was just etc etc) and then making a rule for big lies.

Lies are lies. Don’t put up with a liar. You should give yourself the 3 lies and you’re out rule. Leaving something out deliberately IS a lie. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I know you don’t want to believe it , but if they are lying to you that mean they don’t respect you either. Those are the 2 cornerstones of any relationship to work. Without trust(yours) and respect (both them and you) it’s dead.

written by So Confused., 12 July, 2009

Can’t believe how many of us are in the same situation. Just last month I found out that my bf was flirting with somebody online and hid it from me. They were supposed to meet this month and last month but luckily I found out everything before they met when I accidentally saw the previous chat/conversation they had online. I really got upset and broke up with him but he didn’t want us to split so he promised me that he will gonna stop talking to her. Just last 2 weeks ago I saw his e-mail and found out some exchanged mails with the same person. I really got pissed so I tried to break up with him again- this is when he finally cut the communication with her. I was cool and fine. I though everything was okay and that he realized everything he did to me. Then again last week, I found out that he will be meeting his ex in London for 3-4 days to help her buy something whatever without telling me. I got so pissed and finally broke up with him 5 days ago. Now he wants me back. He sent an email to his ex canceling their meeting next week and he mentioned to his ex that it is unreasonable for them to meet as he is in a relationship now blah blah blah. He is trying to correct everything and do whatever can save our relationship. I am confused. I wanna move on as I don’t trust him anymore and I know one day he might do it again. What will I do? He lied to me many times and hid a lot of things and now he is trying to win me back again. I want to run away from him and focus on myself instead. I loved him so much but he betrayed me many time. Do you think he deserve an Nth chance??

written by madfiance1, 15 July, 2009

Ok, I am also going through the same thing! I am getting married in a month to my 8 month old daughters father who I have been with for almost five years. For the past 3 and a half years he has been talking on and off with his ex...He says its just a voice over the phone, but i do not believe him. He has been telling me that he has not talked to her in over a year but i just found out today that he is...I found her number on our cell phone bill. I feel so betrayed and disgusted I do not know what to do I love him death but i do not trust him at all...The main thing that scares me is that for his job he is working out of town 95% of the time so I feel like he is talking to her for comfort instead of me...There are nights he will not answer his phone and he will tell me that he fell asleep early. What should i do I am thinking that I shouldnt marry this man because I am going to end up with a broken heart.

written by This says it all!, 06 August, 2009

"Let it slide" by Nikki Floures Great song, I know it will touch all of you going thru this. It did me.

written by second best, 06 August, 2009

My girlfriend has lied to me and recently, there was a huge confrontation after I looked in her phone and found her exes number there disguised as a family member. I felt awful for looking because I feel this situation has turned me into someone I wasn’t before.
Some background on this: we are both female, her ex (also a woman) left her after 12 years being together. Her ex is now with a man. My girlfriend was very hurt by what happened but as much as this hurts me to say this, I think she’s still in love with her. Her friends have called me by her exes name, even my girlfriend did once. It simply reinforces the feeling that I’m a replacement for someone she can’t have.
My partner had been emailing and phoning her ex for a while at the start of our relationship, this caused a lot of arguments. I was unaware that this had been going on, I just felt hurt and betrayed, like I was 2nd best. We now live together and have been together over two years but still this is hanging over me. When I’ve tried to talk about this, she says that they were together a long time – which I understand – and she didnt want to say her ex had contacted her because I’d overreact.
To sum it up, it feels like even though this girl broke her heart, she’ll still talk to her (when her ex is feeling sorry for herself or has no one else to talk to) and forget everything that happened.
We’ve been at breaking point a few times over this and people say I should leave her. I can’t. I always think that her ex is going to go away eventually, that my girlfriend will forget her and focus on us. But then something happens again.
I feel totally worthless, I get upset all the time over this and as not many people know I’m gay, I’ve not really got anyone to talk to.

written by bestfriend, 09 August, 2009

My best guy friend cheated on his girlfriend of a year and half with me.
He told me they had broken up, so i didnt know.

Then we had issue about her because he would tell me that he still loved her and even told her that.

We broke up, and now he’s dating her.

It’s horrible and I cry everyday.
I feel like I was nothing to him, while he was my absolute everything.

written by taken for a fool, 16 August, 2009

My ex-bf lied to me right from the start of our relationship. The lies revolved around his ex and the nature of their relationship. At first, she was just a friend, then she was a ‘friend with benefits’. He lied to me about how long he was with her (from 2 months to over a year). He swore on his grandpa’s life that she never met his friends or family (found out she spent 2 Christmases with them). He swore up and down that he was ashamed of this girl and was only lying to protect me and to hide his past. I bought into his B.S. and he moved in with me.

Let me tell you, once a liar, always a liar. As mentioned above, it doesn’t matter what the content of the lies are about, it’s the fact that someone thinks so little of you that they will stop at nothing to try and deceive you. For 7 months, I was a total wreck...anxiety, mind racing, checking email/phone, driving by his place, all in the name of trying to determine the truth.

I am now alone and although it’s tough and I do miss the good parts of our relationship, at least I can finally sleep again at night. Someone who lies to you shouldn’t even be considered friend material, let alone boyfriend or even husband material.

The liar will always blame YOU. They don’t care who they hurt. They only think of themselves. They may be the most gorgeous, charming, intelligent individuals on the face of the planet, but they are still selfish, immature and mean. My advice is to run like hell. They will NEVER change. I repeat NEVER. No life is worth the pain and loss of dignity that their lying creates.

written by Breeze, 19 August, 2009

To "taken for a fool" – I totally agree with you, you’re absolutely right!

written by andrea00mc, 21 August, 2009

kris kris... i know you had a post over a year ago but i would like to talk to you know, i’m only after coming across this website. i still feel strongly for my ex also. you’re not on your own.
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it > This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ... the email address is pretty old...
andrea

written by R ALL THE HONEST MEN DEAD?, 10 September, 2009

omg im going thro the same thing, my boyfriend has REPEATEDLY lied to me about exes that have been trying to contact him, it got so bad at one point he had to close his fb. after 3 years of relationship (me pouring my heart and soul into it) i found out he has lied to me AGAIN.
I have given him plenty of "off the record" chances to come out with the truth and every time he swore up and down that was the last thing.

gaw im frustrated and i don’t know if i should stay with him anymore!

written by Anie, 11 September, 2009

This is all so sad. I am in the same boat. After 2 yrs of relationship and 3 years of marriage I left my husband on our 3rd wedding anniversary as I could not take his lying anymore. He keeps lying about smsing his gf and even goes to the extend of deleting the sent smses from his hp sent folder. The last straw was when I told him that since he cant tell me the truth, he has to stop all correspondences with her. I even told him that he should not add her to facebook. He said ok and less than a wk later added her to facebook but tried to hide it by deleting the messages from his wall. I couldnt take it anymore and so i left.

written by TFace, 30 September, 2009

situation remains the same, except time is running out. i am here in the usa, he is here in the usa but came from europe about 3 months ago, and he is leaving in 2 weeks. he used to tell me about the girls he dated and kept secret from each other, and his player friends, and how he treated women badly. didn’t bother me though because i wasn’t being very serious with him, and he genuinely seemed sweet. now it is more serious, but he wants to call me his girlfriend, tell me how he is so done with his ex that it feels great, and then say "yeah, go ahead, look through my phone, you won’t find anything" just because in times past i have given him the respect. well red flag thrown, this time i did, and oh! first message on his phone was from his ex. i have been angry about this for a few days, and although he apologizes and tells me i’m the one, i still have a feeling he lies, is lying, will lie. and every time he opens his mouth about it, new tidbits of info come out that show what a liar he really is. he’s not even a liar, he’s selfish, and it’s at my risk. well, he’s leaving in two weeks, and i’m trying to forgive him, but i don’t know why.

written by Geri, 30 October, 2009

I’m ending my so called relationship with a man after a year.Something was nagging at me and i looked through his phone and computer and found his ex’s number in his phone and her screen name on his buddy list.
He said that she’s getting married and knows about me but he also said that they talk a few times a year for only a few minutes.
It’s now October and when i found her number,i looked through call logs in his phone and found out they’d had a conversation that lasted over an hour and a half in June. That was around the time he and i were becoming intimate!
He also gave an alternate excuse and said that it was just a matter of not having deleted her number. Conflicting excuses if you ask me.
From what i understand,she wasn’t a very classy woman and has nothing over me in the looks department so to say i’m offended is an understatement.
I’m disgusted.
I think a lot of men like to have their egos stroked by as many women as possible or he could have feelings for her still.Either way i’m out and i’m glad i snooped.
Other aspects of the relationship left a lot to be desired so in a way this was a god send.
I can move on and be in peace.
I always say,when in doubt,check it out.

written by u call that advice?, 02 November, 2009

I don’t think this is any kind of advice- I have dealt with it and left the guy I would look at the whole commitment issue between u and ur guy- after leaving the guy went to counseling and had to be taught how to show commitment. this might be ur guys problem after his sessions I gave him 6mos.of just dating to see if he could be accountable for his actions. My advice you any of you wondering what to do try couples counseling if you care about the guy or have a lot of time invested or flat out do not give people that kind of control of your feelings – hey you can talk to people to- let the shoe be on the other foot.

written by Lying is the Issue, 09 November, 2009

I do not think that speaking to an ex is at all terrible, necessarily. I am a friend with a few ex’s (long time past, they all live in cities far away)... we are not super-close friends, but remain friends nonetheless. My fiance (we’ll call him Brent) is friends with some of his ex’s as well, and by and large I am really fine with the fact that he talks with them with one major exception.

His most recent ex-girl friend (I call her the "Migraine") is the ex that he remains closest to. She is from an uppity background in St. Louis and has terrible family issues (waaaaay messed up) that she cannot share with most people in her sphere and he has some pretty normal family stuff as well that they bonded over because he felt that he could not share it with many people either. So, they call or chat each other when there’s some stress. Admittedly, this is the part that makes me a little bit uncomfortable. When she suspected her then-boyfriend (now fiance) was posting to personals while dating her, she flipped and turned to Brent right away. When I nearly broke it off with him due to some non-related issue, he immediately reached out to her. This kind of continued emotional co-crutch thingy is definitely something that I think is inappropriate and would be surprised if her fiance is cool with it either.

HOWEVER, even this I can tolerate. What drives me to madness is that he is NOT open about the fact that he and the Migraine talk in this way or really very open about their friendship at all. My view is that the way that being friends with ex’s works in a mature relationship is by having total honesty and transparency about it. I feel like screaming "is that too much to ask?" from the roof. I am really an open and very accepting person and all I ask is for honesty. What hurts my heart and drives me to tears. I am thinking about not marrying him at all, after all, and I certainly will not marry him until this issue is resolved in some way or another.

written by mell, 03 December, 2009

look guys always lie about everything they dont know how to keep it 100. That right thing to do is 2 stay single and let go.

written by IggyPop, 28 December, 2009

Wow! So glad I stumbled upon this site. While the original article’s advice is total crap, I found a lot of wisdom and encouragement from the comments.

I had this very same problem with my current boyfriend two years ago. We had just moved in together and in trying to organize some of his papers lying around I found that he had mailed a few packages to a mysterious address. I put two and two together when I recognized the city on the receipts as his ex GF’s. The next few weeks that followed were heart/gut wrenching for me. I was physically and mentally ill over knowing that he had gone behind my back. Every time he would leave the house I felt the need to look through more of his stuff and dig out the truth. God, it was awful. I found more things he was planning on sending her and lots of cards and letters from several ex’s and girl-friends.

To make a long story short, I finally got the courage to call him on it. He cried and said that he didn’t have feelings for her but felt sorry for her and obligated to repay her in some way for all of her friendship and support over their years together and blah, blah.... I didn’t really buy into it but it felt SO GOOD to confront him. I was able to slowly forgive him and let it all go.

Only, a month ago, I stumbled that danged address again copied onto a paper, folded up in his sock drawer closet. I confronted him about it again. Tears flowed, again. Said he "couldn’t bear to throw the address away" or some crap.

I feel like I will always be on my guard, looking over my shoulder with him. I know this isn’t healthy for our relationship. It’s just too hard to let go. I pray that if this happens again, that I will be sent over the edge and can muster up the courage to leave.

To all of you out there experiencing the same thing, hang in there. I’m convinced that either couples counseling or leaving are your best options. And remember, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

written by sss, 30 December, 2009

Im going through a relationship which includes many lies. It has been two years. And i guess its enough. But still i dont know how can i live without him cause he is the only thing in my life. I left my education, my future for him and i knew that our relationship will end up this way but still it couldnt change my decision. He tells me that he loves me but he doesnt shows that with his behaviors...So what does this "love" means? I think that real love is inside a guy’s behaviors. I told him how i go crazy, upset, anxious when he doesnt answers my calls cause he is staying at the same apartment with his ex (he lied to me about her a lot and keep contacting behind my back) and he is living one hour distance from me. But still, usually he doesnt answers my calls and he calls me back after 1 hour or something like that. Maybe now he isnt in contact with his ex but still, i cant manage to trust him. I have to leave him...But still ive got questions in my mind: What if he is not lying to me anymore? What if he is not in contact with his ex anymore?..I hate guys!

written by Average Guy, 03 January, 2010

Stop being clingy and obsessive. If he’s not telling the truth its probably something you won’t accept or cant handle. If you don’t like what your man is doing..... Get a new one. simple as that. Nothing worse then in insecure, clingy female who probably doesn’t give it up enough and gives head once a quarter!

written by amanda2, 06 January, 2010

I found out my husband had been talking to his ex. This all happened about a year ago (when I found out) and he had talked to her about a year before that off and on until I found out. I was so hurt I thought about leaving him because he had kept it a secret from me and lied about it numerous times. There were a lot of talks and I even confronted her. Needless to say, it wasn’t until a year after I found out that I finally got closure. Now that I am ok with him being friends with her on facebook, he doesn’t ever go behind my back to talk to her and hasn’t really had much contact with her. There really is something about knowing that they aren’t supposed to be doing something that makes them want to do it more..and then once they find out you are ok with it (if they are TRUTHFUL WITH YOU), they don’t do it anymore..

written by Wow.. for all you incredible women on here, LEAVE HIM!, 12 January, 2010

I can’t believe what I’m reading on here... like so many of you who have uttered those same words, I feel and totally understand what you all have gone through. As of last week, I caught my (now ex-) boyfriend of a year and 1/2 in a big lie: He has a number of ex-g/f’s he keeps in touch with... that part is fine with me. But for the longest time, these girls would send semi-friendly, you know "THOSE" msgs on his Facebook, he would pretend they are nothing every time I brought them up. Even msgs. about them "seeing each other" – which was a RED flag. Finally, he told me a month ago that he told this one particular ex about me and she would have to respect my boundaries – b/c that’s what I asked for.

Well, BOOM.. last week she posted another "Friendly" msg, so I went ahead, emailed her and asked her if he had ever told her about me. She said No, so then when I went back to him – he said, "I was going to tell her.." and I said loudly, "You LIED to me???"

Amazingly enough, he then SPUN it around to be MY fault and said, "LEAVE ME ALONE! I don’t want to talk to you anymore, it’s over, etc, etc.." I was completely shocked, devastated, dumbfounded. How can this man, who said he loved me, all of a sudden be so heartless, such a deceiver and a liar?

My brother said my ex-b/f knew what he was doing was wrong and instead of acknowledging his guilt, he could only unload it off me for making him feel bad. It’s incredible since you don’t think that, we as people, human beings could be so deceiving, so dishonest to the people we love. I now wonder for how long was my b/f "lying" to me and his other female friends about my relationship.. or if he was indeed having other "emotionally cheating" relationships.

Girls, you deserve SO MUCH better.. and my heart breaks for those who are still married on here and put up with this shit. I thought I had such low-self esteem from this debacle.. but after reading this blog, I realize that I was strong enough to leave. But I would hope deeply that all of you realize you deserve to be the #1 woman... and not to be treated any less. Good luck.

Irene from San Diego, Ca.

written by lost and confused, 16 January, 2010

I am saddened by the fact that there are lots of others out there. I find myself retyping this over and over trying to find the correct words to say. My boyfriend is living states away from me and his ex is a mere 30 minutes at most. I found out that he still talks to her after he called me her name. That killed me and then I looked in his phone to find out that they talk a lot.

I confronted him about it and it ended with him deciding not to talk with her anymore and lots of tears. I am back home now and checked his phone records and saw that he has continued to talk to her. What is worse is that he said that she was the one contacting him. Sigh... not true at all. Thanks phone bill for telling me which direction the calls and such were being made.

I was planning on asking what I should do. But it is painfully obvious that there is only one solution to this all. And that is to break things off. Sigh. I hate seeing that in writing since I love him so much. But him treating me like shit isn’t right and if its going to hurt me this much i should just move on now before I let it get any worse. right?

written by Teetee, 22 January, 2010

Wow... we girls are not alone in this subject. I found sext messages on my bf’s old phone (he upgraded phones after 5 months of us dating and kept the old phone in his drawer). I was more insulted discovering he only kept 1 of my sext messages to him and 20 of his ex’s... that tells me I wasn’t as important to him as she was. I’m compelled to call her up and ask her questions about how involved they are at this moment only to confirm what my man has told me after I brought this to his attention. I may do it at a time when he is in the room just to see if she will call him after I’m done asking her. I just want the truth so I can either stay or move on. He says he’s been a good boy since I’ve discovered this and that it’s over between them (yeah right). It’s time to prove his words!

written by Merzi, 25 January, 2010

Wow..amazing!! Agreed that the original advice was total crap..but so unbelievable that so many others are going what I’ve been going thru with my bf of 4 and a half years!!

I am not a jealous person by nature..I, like some of you, am very open, up-front, and friendly by nature. I talk to my ex occasionally, there is nothing to hide, so I don’t hide anything from my bf!! I don’t leave the room to talk to him, I tell him what the conversation was about, etc. We were together for 10 years so we do have shared memories but I don’t have those feelings for him so nothing for me to hide!!

He, on the other hand, feels compelled to lie to me about talking to his ex. They have a 16 year old son so I understand they have to talk..no problems with that at all. But she likes to take things beyond just parenting issues, always texting him on the weekends, (do you still love me? kinds of crap)and yesterday they made plans to meet the son’s gf’s parents this coming Friday. Now, he SAYS he just forgets to tell me these things, but we were in Home Depot together while she was texting him yesterday..he just walked to another aisle!!

I have confronted him before but I’m afraid if I say anything more that I will just make him better at deleting his texts. Not a snooper by nature but I do have a right to know what’s going on here, so for now I am silent. Eating me up inside, and I know he will not change. The thing is, he is absolutely wonderful except for this crap and at 46 I’m not sure there is anything better for me out there. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

written by Just a friend, 21 February, 2010

My best guy friend (who even gave me the spare keys to his flat) cheated on his long distance girlfriend of 2 years with me, shortly after he told me that he’d split with her, but would still be friends with her. Then 6 months later he flew over to see her, again, to break it off. Her blog and other things say otherwise, that he’s still her boyfriend. Our affair continued for 18 months, as I believed him when he said he was only friends with this long distance girl.
Now as well there is another woman in the picture, someone who he works with who he’s very pally with and defensive of, gives him a lift home every evening as they live nearby. Just recently he’s been going distant on me and not answering calls, postponing arrangements to meet etc – got so pissed with it that I drove past where he lives to see if her car was there, and yes, it was. He returned my call and text late last night, leaving a message saying that he’d ‘had an early night and had just rolled over and seen my message’ – what BS is that, I’m 99% sure they’re sleeping together but can’t prove it.
Anyway I’m leaving the area soon to start a new life elsewhere, this is so going to be his loss. He’s told me I’m the ‘most beautiful woman he’s ever known’, that I’m perfect and how he thinks about me all the time etc etc, and yes I did actually fall in love with him but am backing off now.
This guy led me on so much and had me believe that we’d be an item, but then changed his tune. Despite everything, I still loved him but I cannot abide any more of his lies and there is only so much benefit of the doubt you can give someone. Letting go of someone I’ve loved so much is possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I’ve run out of tears and patience and am sick of being hurt and lied to.
Maybe he’ll realize what he’s lost once I’ve gone.

written by Ditto, 23 February, 2010

This site is wonderful. Reading these emails just saved my life. As of all of you, I broke up with my b/f 2 wks ago. He was friends with his ex. I believed him when he said she calls, text, and he was trying to put a stop to it. I searched his cell, texts, and was very upset so I took her # & called her (ex) To my surprise she was very nice to me, she knew everything about me & my family. She said she wish US well & he is a good person and will take good care of you (he makes lotssss of $$) she does not love him anymore, she is a people pleaser and would stay his friend. One thing I should know he is a big liar. One year pasted, I got so upset with there friendship and him lieing (yes) big liar, so I called her again. She again said be happy with him & leave me along. I ask him to stop her and he said he was trying to get her to stop. Drinking one night I emailed her and said PLZ leave us along, stop calling my boyfriend. Guess What.....she got annoying calls charges on me for court soon.
I told my b/f this has to stop....I told him he has to say no contact with her, as she did me. He said NO.. never, AS bad as I was hurting & crying i left, said its over, I can show you what no contact is.
THE BEST PART: Last night I ask my best g/f to call his ex and ask to drop the charges, she said she would think about it, TO MY SURPRISE, he is the one calling, texting her and begging her to keep in touch with him. He lied to both of us. Everything he said she(ex)was doing he was doing, big liar!!!!!! Am I hurt, YES but I am not going to be lied to over & over, my 1st ex did it to me. I am single again, 55yrs, pretty and nice, God hears my tears and will help...good luck people and run when it don’t fill right, don’t stay and hope they change, If you like them the way there are today, then stay, if not leave, thanks

written by sum1, 26 February, 2010

Some advice from someone who is in the same boat- Befriend his/her "ex" or whoever they are deceiving you with. If it’s possible and you can bare it try to become their friend as well so that you will know the inside scoop. Keep your friends close and enemies closer. If you play your cards right you will be invited to join their meeting up and the whole sneaking around game will get to be impossible and then a little old for him/her (in my case him). I became my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s friend and now if he texts her I hear it from her. If they want to meet up for a drink I come along and crash the party. And I make it clear that when we are all there I am not the third party. I make it clear, in a non-bitchy way that she is the third wheel.
This is definitely not easy because in many cases you will feel intimidated. He hid her from you and that means he wanted to preserve something, maybe something he doesn’t have with you. But don’t let it stop you, he is going home with you and you obviously have much more that appeals to him than she did. If you cant contact her directly, ask him to invite her over, have her over for your next party, etc. if he doesn’t even agree to that then you are at the next level where it’s decision making time. If he hasn’t changed by now he wont. So it’s for you to decide if you want to move on (which for some stupid reason is near impossible for us at that point) or face the fact that you will have to deal with it for the rest of your life. And remember that life is too short to be miserable. If this is causing you to be unhappy more often than you are happy, then I would seriously consider counseling to help you move on.

I have been battling this situation for 4 years. With the excuses, "she had the wrong number", "It was her birthday", "she always calls me – I never call her" BS. And for me, I decided to go with option one. To deal with it and adjust my life to make things work a little easier. I keep my enemies close. I am a jealous girlfriend but I don’t even compare to he jealous my boyfriend is. Neither of us have cheated, and everyone lies... but it seems like he is a compulsive liar and the longer I am with him the more I wish I had never given him a second chance. That is pretty harsh, but if were getting it all on the table here that’s the cold hard truth. I love him to death but more and more it feels like I don’t stay together with him for love, but for the desperation for change. I want to see through that he can be the guy I love every day... not just when he feels like it. He is so amazing and perfect when he tries, but I feel like it is less and less with every lie with every disappointment.

Anyways.. to everyone who posted to this blog, my original advice is good so I encourage you to take it for what its worth. If you choose to stay with the one you love despite the lies then you need to ensure your happiness somehow. And if he or she isn’t going to help you do so, then it’s up to You. Change around your lifestyle a bit to better suit his. If he’s always on the go and doesn’t let you in on everything... keep yourself busy and don’t let him in on everything. DON’T do it to get back at him or out of spite or anger. Remember you decided you wanted to make things work not worse. You are an important person so don’t let yourself forget it. If he doesn’t remind you... remind yourself. Do volunteer work or get involved in other things that make you realize your importance. and get to know the people who are affecting your relationship. Then you can know first hand if they are going to be a problem and you wont have to take his unreliable word for it.

Lastly... everyone who has posted on here about the first or second time you have been lied to, or everyone with a relationship not longer than 5 months or so... get out while you can! I am telling you, people don’t change. The lies wont stop and might grow, if you want to be in the same spot or worse that you are at right now in 4 years be my guest but don’t say you weren’t warned. I wish I had listened to the people who told me. I am definitely not trying to say that it’s easy for you to get out of the relationship now... it’s hard as hell but I am saying it will get harder.

Good luck everyone

-20 year old somebody.

written by sucker, 13 March, 2010

a person will only do to you what you allow them to do to you.

written by Fira, 17 March, 2010

I am experiencing now. I feel so bad. Thinking to break off but I still love him so much. Where to get the guts to do so? I am planning to take a rest to oversea and come back to settle this relationship. GOD please show me the way.

written by another one., 04 April, 2010

Felt so good to read these. At the moment, my boyfriend is calling me repeatedly and I just don’t want to answer. He’s been lying to me about being in contact with his ex and even hanging out with her, behind my back. Blaming it on having mutual friends, (Oh, I went over to so-and-so’s and she was there, etc). This is the same girl that keyed his car, and sent me ridiculous text messages that were just hateful. I normally don’t care about this stuff, but when it comes to psychotic actions, I am just done with it right there. They were together for over 5 years and I can understand wanting to keep a friend, but not someone who could be a danger to me or him.

Every time she is brought up, our day gets screwed up. I found texts from her about getting together and when I’d ask if he wanted to or did hang out with her, he’d completely brush it off and say he didn’t. Finally confronted him today. Really makes me wonder.

I want so badly to say her or me, yet I want even more to not feel like this. And yet, like so many others here, he’s perfect for me. This is the only problem. I guess we’ll see what happens.

written by Erin Lee, 19 May, 2010

How would you feel if your bf took his ex-finance on vacations every year? Ouch! But when I found out he claims nothing happened. If it is so innocent why hide it? Also other women that call are his friend’s gf. Grrrrr, I am hurt that I am not good enough for the truth. It is funny how jealous he is if anyone calls me.

written by In the same boat, 24 May, 2010

The problem with all of us is US. They lied and we stay and put up with it. If we ask them not to talk to their ex they will resent it and/or do it anyways. The problem is THEM, They lied. It hurts in a really bad way and most likely we will never get over it because we can’t trust our significant others. The solution is to end it before it completely eats us up inside.

written by secretaim, 03 June, 2010

well i’ve had mine too recently no matter how much i did truly respected and love him with all i can i realize that i can’t be like these and missed all the things in life you only live once and for once and for all there is someone special out there who will truly respect and love you no matter what im so empowered after the break up yet i felt like a big burden has taken out of me now his calling and trying to take me back which is too late cuz after the break up a lot of guys wants to get with me the answer is his not the only dick in this world and at the same time no matter what these bitches did to us we have to remain the way we are never change yourself being rebellious is never an answer go drink but not too much learn to trust in your self and god he is there to answer if you believe take good care of your selves be strong and beautiful in my situation i respected it until they both cross the line and have physical intimacy and see each other and contact each other regularly i become the part time lover and she became psycho more and more and i dont know why but i know in my heart that even though he did that he truly did love me but not enough to respect me and my opinion as a women so well i am now single contented and dating at the same time im enjoying myself and my life more spending everything to myself and growing into more beautiful stronger educated women that i am. this is not how i want my ife to be so i had to do something for myself and something i never do for myself i only ive once why not do something about it right? let’s get over the crying and it’s okay to breakdown cry and get quiet and think about the pig he was and when you forget them completely no contacts at all! he will comes back to you and dont give them a chance really cuz he will do it to you too!!! if he did to you and his ex then he will the same to you!!! be smart! love yourself and truly recognize your faults too always be trusting and honest.

written by JezzieAnne, 15 June, 2010

There seems to be a universal sadness of b/f, g/f. husband/wife when one hides the truth from the other when it pertains to yet another person that is special in their lives. I am very sad at this point as well. My sweetheart of 8 years secretly got back into contact with his ex wife this past fall. He was ‘protecting’ me from this knowledge because, he says, he didn’t want to hurt me or cause any problems.
This just makes me feel unworthy of love and trust because he has been secretive with her. Telling her he will always love her and that only a little part of his heart is on loan to me at the moment.
Yes, I admit I pried into his email just to get confirmation as to why his behavior towards me changed and then I got my confirmation... secret emails, secret offers to meet clandestinely... him telling her that he always thinks about her and even when he is in romantic places like the top of the Eiffel Tower with me he was thinking about kissing her.
I am so sad, he is a good man and tells me he loves me but he loves her more and will never care for me like he does her.
Should I just be alone and leave or put up with this charlatan?
I confronted him and he is all pissy that I read his emails... I haven’t read anything more than getting confirmation and their ‘renewal’ as they have made secret encrypted emails now so... what should I do?
I have known he was never over her and all I ask of him is to be honest with me about how he feels... He clams up and says it is ‘private’ between he and her. He also tells her about me but there are really now words of love there. Just that I do things with him but anything sweet or romantic he is thinking of her even though he is with me.
I am so sad.

written by scouse chick, 23 June, 2010

I am in the same situation and my partner doesn’t seem to accept that he hurt me sooo much when I tell him I am hurt by the deception he just says "deception about what exactly??? TALKING to somebody??" he really doesn’t think he has done anything wrong..

I have been with him for 18 months now and this happened early on in our relationship his ex who I know he loved a lot got in touch with him via Facebook he accepted her right away as a friend but would not accept me as a friend because he said he didn’t know me and he had his family and sisters and friends on there and he didn’t know what I might turn out to be like, which is fair enough but still hurt like hell to think he accepted her in a heartbeat but would not accept me anyway by accident (he hadn’t changed his security settings) I saw a few things that started the alarm bells ringing she told him she missed him, she said next time he was in her area could he call in and do her a favor!!!! nd stuff like that. I asked him about it and he lied to me about it (he didn’t know i had already seen her messages) I then asked him if the contact was more i.e. texts, phone calls and emails he said no but my gut instinct told me otherwise so stupidly I got into his Facebook account (naughty I know but he wasn’t being honest and I had to know) and what do you know, messages etc from her saying she would text him her new number she misses him, nothing from him to her along the same lines but nothing mentioning that he had a new girlfriend either!!

Anyway I emailed her asked her what was going on she said they were only friends and she had no idea who I was when I told her she said she wanted no more contact with him and she told me to tell him she thought he was a decent person, now she doesn’t BUT she also lied to me she said they were only ever friends but she thought she was pregnant to him and when I told her this she had to backtrack a little and admit they were more than friends so my suspicions grew even more... to be fair to her she was really nice about it even after I deleted her as a friend on Facebook (it was only after I deleted her he accepted me) anyway now the problem I am having after many arguments and doubts about his feelings for her I am left with being everything I hate suspicious, jealous and mistrusting and I hate it.

I chose to forgive him but I am always wondering if they are still in contact and its tearing me apart he said he kept it from me cause there was nothing going on and he thought I might think there was more to it that there actually was and he was right.

Since last year he has been amazing I can’t fault him but my suspicious mind is driving him crazy and I’m scared I will do the one thing that scares me and that is drive him away... I need to either forget it and move on or end things with him... its so hard though because I love him so much.

The main thing is I’m not sure if he wanted her or not and I’m sort of feeling second best because apparently she told him never to contact her again and it was only after her telling him that, that he changed towards me god I’m so confused!!!

written by Jackie29, 08 August, 2010

First thing’s first: men are so DUMB! They don’t realize that these ex-girlfriends who are sending them flirty text messages etc, don’t even mean what they say. The women are probably in an insecure place in their life, i.e. they may be in a rubbish relationship or are having trouble with their love life after the break up with the guy in question and just trying to comfort themselves with the thought that someone still wants them. And even if they do get back with them you can guarantee it won’t work out. The women aren’t really all that bothered about them. They’re just trying to boost their self esteem. I’m not being sexist; it works vice versa as well.

written by Confused., 18 September, 2010

I was told by my b/f when i first started dating him that he didn’t let go of his ex when he was dating this girl before me. After about 9 months into the relationship I started to check his phone I asked him about it and he admitted that he had been talking to her over the phone and later he wrote me a letter stating that he would inform her that he would no longer be in contact with her he basically was telling me stuff i wanted to hear. Here it is a year later and i have access to our cell phone records and he is calling her at least once a week. i cannot bring this to him because i don’t want him to know that i was snooping through the phone records...right now i am hurt and confused... i’ve brought up in conversation asking him when was the last time he talked to her and he just lied about it...I’m just so sad and want to move on but i do love him.

written by Jera13, 01 October, 2010

I can’t believe that I stumbled across this blog!!! What an eye opener I too have been dating a man who is in contact with his "X" girlfriend (no kids) he said he wanted to be friends with her. At first I didn’t see a real problem as she is 3 states away. One fateful day I had his cell phone in my pocket and it went off.. a text from HER. I opened it--- I still love you, that’s just how I feel, I know you feel the same. I looked around in there... all his texts were deleted but the next text was-- When can things be the way they used to be, with us in love and together again. I blew up.... I confronted him, This woman does not want to be your friend what is this B/S he said it would stop... it didn’t stop. We were on vacation at the beach.. she texted him till I told him it was over between us. She texted him good morning, good night, the friggin phone would go off when were were having sex, in the shower, walking the beach, cooking dinner, in the middle of the night you get the idea, the 3 of us were on vacation. I found out she didn’t know I existed. She stopped texting for a while, I found out he was turning his phone on mute, and changed her name in the phone from Amy to Andy.... I was livid. I got a hold of his phone one morning after a text and texted her back, I said why don’t you leave us alone... she texted back, that, that will never happen, she was in his life to stay, I had better get used to it. I showed it to him. He said he would end it, all appeared blissful for about 2 weeks.... the operative word here is appeared, we were getting along really well, He asked me to marry him, and announced it to the family, the phone calls and texts started to come in again, I said tell her we are getting married, he refused to tell her!!! Saying it was none of her business.... WTF! ! ! Last night we were watching TV and he got on my case for wanting to know who was texting him bla bla bla... the phone beeped in, I looked at it and it was her again... I said its AMY...do something. Seems he had some mail that belongs to her!!! OMG Its been a year and she never put in for a change of address, this was a bill for her car tags...she is 3 states away and her residence is still listed HERE!!! I found out his power bill and cable bill is still in her name as well. Seems he has had the letter for a month hidden behind behind the calendar, the tag payment was due yesterday so of course they were texting, info. phone #’s on how to fix it. He in my mind withheld information forcing her to call him. He could have put a forwarding address on the envelope weeks ago. Still shaking my head... I am home now, tired of arguing, glad we didn’t move in together. Doing a lot of reading on this site. Thanks to everyone who posted. I thought I was alone, I am not a kid I am in my 50’s..... This is B/S.

written by RE, 05 October, 2010

I agree. Can someone tell me if I should leave or stay. When we started going out he kept a picture of his x on his phone they constantly talked and he had a ringtone for her, guess what it was the song that played the day we met. He refereed to me as his broad when texting her and I stopped talking to my guy friends because of him. Keep in mind these guy friends were not any xs they were just friends. We saw her one day where she use to work at and he glimpsed at her I made it seem like I did not see but I clearly saw him looking at her. Six months later she is working at his job. I did not know, just recently we broke up because I felt as if he was cheating on me and one of my friends saw him walking out of work with a girl at 1 in the morning. He acted like he did not care he told me that he did not want to get back that part of him wanted to stay and the other half did not. He told me that the girl he walked out with was his manager that he gave her a ride to her house. But supposedly according to him the whole 2 yrs we been together he didnt speak to any of the females at his job. When we broke up everything came out that he did speak to them that he had encountered his x and just head nodded. He said that one day she tried to hug him and he ignored her. Lie right? Would you believe him? We been together for 2 years we got back together 2 weeks after that break up because I did miss him. But during the break up I cut off all contact with him. When we got back he started acting more caring he started doing a lot of things for me he told me nice things and he went about his way to make me happy. I was on FB one day and guess what I came across her page, she did not work at his job anymore but across the street and her status said that there was too much drama at her old job. What does that mean? But the week before I saw her at a football game and I commented to my boyfriend that she had got fat. Next thing you know my friend tells me that she was saying on FB that Stupid ppl should not call her fat. What a coincidence? Now he still talks to one of her best buddies. Is it normal for me to not feel okay with that? I told him something about it how I felt and he told me I sounded sad if I was not happy how come I just did not leave. He just send me a text saying "LOOK BABE I LOVE YOU AND ONLY YOU I HOPE YOU BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I WANT YOU OWN MY HEART AND I DO NOT WANT TO LOOSE YOU" Is he lying again? What should I do? I have always thought communication is more important than trust in order to trust you need to communicate honestly but what if you do not? Is it worth it to keep going after 2 years? This is not the only x.

written by sloane fletcher, 05 November, 2010

this site is so sad. so ive been going out with my boyfriend almost a year and a half now. when we met he had just come home from 6months working in australia. he told me they had broken up when he left.
that was all grand. then the MILLIONS of photos he had all over his computer, his fone, his mum still emails her. he would talk about her all the time.
i thought that maybe this was just because he was just getting used to life without her until he started telling me about how fantastic their sex was... sometimes in the middle of having sex with me!
he broke my heart.... i had never had much confidence in my body but now i can hardly look in the mirror..
its just been lies lies lies or as he says "cant remember because its not important to him" lies over being in contact with her admittedly i think he has stopped contacting her as i snoop through all of his msgs and emails (not a person i like being)
I asked if they had broken up b4 he went to aus as he said they had why did he have photos of her everywhere and why was he continuously emailing her and he told me it was because she was trying to get back with him when he was gone..
last nite i found out from his brother that she broke up with him the month he came back to ireland... 3 weeks before we got together!! a year and a half in, so so many tears and HUGE screaming fights over her and he still hasnt told me the truth.
i just dont know what to do.. i feel so sad and have having real trouble doing my thesis as im so heartbroken over this. i know i should leave him but every time i try he cries and swears that im all he wants. hes made me hate myself and distance myself from my friends because i cant say this to them... because i know what theyd say... please somebody just tell me what to do
im so lost and feel dead inside.

written by Marylander, 19 December, 2010

After reading these e-mails I might as well put my story on here to. After being with who I thought was my B/F I decide it to end it. One reason was Mel was still in contact with his ex-Rose. he had told me many times he was not going to give her up. He told me they might not have been a couple they still were very good friends. Well at first I tried to bite the bullet. But one night I try to call him and he was on the phone till 4 A.M. with her. well when I asked him about this he went off on me telling me oh she can’t sleep at night. (Give me a break) He told me if I didn’t like it that was my problem.....

Then he goes and tell he calls other women that their only friends. Finally the time had come unless I didn’t end this now I was really going to be hurt.

I copy this and add it to my blog because this is how I felt. Every time we went out I always felt there was a 3 and 4 person there. Mel and I and the woman he really likes work for the same place. So when we went out I felt like there were more them to people in the room or table. It was more like Me and Mel and Rose the ex-girlfriend and Karen the woman he tell me always he would like to take out. Go figure! So it was time to end this........
written by LL, 18 March, 2009
Who needs a man. It’s best to stay single. Dump them. Who needs the mind games and who needs the hurt and wondering if they are contacting their ex-wives or girlfriends all the time. Being called by their name is also a sign of total disrespect. You are disrespecting yourselves by staying with them. I found it weird when my bf and I went to a restaurant and he ordered a meal that they use to have together. It was like he was trying to go back in time and recreate that moment they had shared together. I was even called her name during nookie. Plus several other times during the day. The room starts getting pretty crowded with a third person. They are still hung up on that person. What is it with these guys. I call it serious mental issues. Move on girls. You deserve better. If they can’t see the loving person they have right now in front of them it’s their loss not yours.

written by jenniferbuck1, 21 December, 2010

I found out 2 weeks ago my partner went around his ex’s house after we were told I was 5 weeks away from giving birth. I found out from a friend, he denied everything even when I begged for the truth, swore on his son and to make matters worse even called his ex and got her to lie now it makes sense why she was talking about her personal life and asking questions about me.
He stayed there overnight and they both deny anything happened which I don’t believe.

How can a man sit and lie to you for 3 months, say he made a mistake and go back there again.
I’ve sat here and blamed myself. I have been made to look a fool for all the times I’ve been betrayed and lied to and listened to what a bad person she is and how he would never go back to her house when he has.

It has turned my world upside down. I’m hurt, betrayed and disgusted and feel like a fool for blaming her when she called him not realizing he was just as bad. I begged him to keep it about the kids but they would sit on the phone discussing money and her personal problems and to found out that he went to her and opened his heart when I was laid at home 5 weeks away from giving birth worrying sick.

If everything is so innocent why would he lie why would she lie for him if there was no loyalty?

And I’m the one left with a broken relationship, no trust, no honesty. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for betraying me when I needed him the most.

written by Legallyblond, 06 February, 2011

I am also in the same boat as many of you but have decided to leave after nearly a year. There is no doubt in my mind it is the right thing and I can say without any doubt that if you feel the need to write about your situation here, there is no doubt you should also leave him.

I used to think it was wrong to check email/phone etc but realized I had never done it with anyone else and when I found the email to his "ex" that said "you are still the most important thing to me in my life and I would do anything for you", I knew there was a reason I checked- my instinct was right.

Lies, no matter how big or small, eat away at you as many of you have noted. They kill your heart. They make you feel like you are worthless. Believe me when I say that it is not worth it- your self-esteem and your happiness. There are men out there who are not like that and that is what you deserve.

And if he EVER makes you feel like you are in the wrong for asking questions, etc. then run as fast as you can because he’s the worst- he’s a manipulative liar.

Good luck to you all. I truly hope each of you who have written on here, without exception, leave. Before you let him destroy you.

written by Making changes in Pickering, 08 June, 2011

Well everyone it appears we are all in the same boat. I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years now. We live together bt that hasn’t stopped him from doing what he does all the time. He seems to NEED the attention of women. Any way he can get it. He spends a great deal of time tracking down girlfriends of 20 yrs ago (he’s 52 now). He did find one, but she was married. She played the sexting for a while and the "oh when will I ever see you again" until I am guessing her husband came across the calls to her house, her work and then there are the instant messaging on blackberry. Joke is she didn’t have a blackberry until he suggested she get one so they can be in contact. Sending kisses every morning.... then she dumped him..again. He seemed heart broken, but when confronted, tried to deny then tried to call me intrusive! Any one that cares will check things out if there is nothing there, they stop, it there is something, they will continue relentlessly. Then there is his so called crazy ex, that he was so happy to see return to South Carolina. She was a drunk that slept with his friend and strangers any time. She threw knives at him, kicked in walls etc.. or so the story goes. As it turns out, when he was telling me how crazy she was and how he never wants to see her, he was calling her, emailing her, and sending money to her all that time. Then I found out he gave her a truck, he insured it, licensed it for two years all while with me. When I found out, I made him cancel everything as she had the truck out of country. He did but it didn’t stop. She wanted money he sent it, she called emailed etc all the time asking who he was with and all the time evading the question by saying he hasn’t been to see her cause times are tough, money tight and really busy at work. Failed to mention that his live in girlfriend just wouldn’t allow it. I could go on, but what’s the point. Everyone here is asking the same question "what can or should I do". The answer is right in front of you...he is a piece of crap that does not cherish your relationship and it is time to cut him loose. they will not change, they will continue to lie and when you catch them and still do nothing, the lies get bigger and better. This is NOT jealousy as previously stated, it is a self respect thing. You are better than what he is treating you like, so get some courage and do the right thing....cut the crap and start over, there is better out there. I refuse to believe that all men are garbage. There are good men that want good women, I just have to find him!

written by Jacqueline Las Vegas, 20 September, 2011

I’m so thankful for each of you I feel it’s a God send. I too have had to dealt with falling in love with someone that seems to fit me so well the one big problem is I met him Shiley he was getting out of a bad relationship. Seven months later they still have contact he says she’s makes him feel like crap he feels guilt like he owes her for his mistakes vets mad that he let’s her manipulate her and at the same time says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. She has drained him mentally and financially but in the end he is the one that goes out of his way to contact her I thi k they are both miserable and play mind games. I finally said I’m taking time and space for several months to take care of me and he could figure out what he really wants. There is no trying to fix someone. It is disrespectful to be lied to. Also what is hard is that they are so kind loving and generous when you have them but the problem is they have mental issues and will tear you up. They might get better after therapy but many times it’s like living with a disabled or handicap. I call it a handicap of the mind. God can deliver people from the problem but many times they will remain this way. So either accept or reject and not tolerate so you don’t lose your sanity. If you don’t like being in a triangle then get out. Remind yourself it has nothing to do with you and yes they seem so great for but in the end it in itself can be deception or the truth is they are mentally imbalanced. So know what your dealing with. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Either you’ll find a partner that isn’t mentally unstable or you can stay single and sane and fill your life with girl and guy friendships and do fun things for you and be at peace. No one person is worthy of you total devotion when they are unstable it will ruin you and you will lose yourself. Don’t be sad for the situation don’t be scared life is full of change it’s why enjoy the present whT you have when it’s good because many things and people will disappoint. It’s like having a balance portfolio of investments. Have multiple emotional investments to stay balanced then you will never be too devastated when things don’t go the way you planned. Don’t focus on the other person’s weaknesses appreciate what is good about the person. In the end they are stuck too and many times are miserable because they can’t stop their lying or issues with having multiple partners. Pray for them and forgive them so you can have peace. As Jesus says, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. If you need a friend to encourage you please feel free to email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it > This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

written by angry girl, 04 October, 2011

I’m having the same problem. Apparently, according to him, he liked her and wanted to go out but it turns out she led him on and didn’t even want a relationship after all. He still talks to this ugly fat girl and it really really bothers me like you can’t even imagine. He lied to me about having ever been interested or involved with her, and it turns out he very much was. BOTH. Well, calling him out on it when I found out ALL of that shocking stuff didn’t seem to do a ton of good... I talked to him, told him how much it bothered me and stressed me out, and I lost sleep crying at night over it because I felt so crappy. We are in a LDR temporarily, so it’s hard to know what’s going on when I’m not there to see it. She’s where he is- so you can imagine my frustration. Even more so, I’m pretty sure they live in the same apartment complex, even worse! She "asked him to go out for a drink with her" just like yesterday-ish, and at least he told me, and told me that he probably wasn’t going... But that means they’re still talking then? Are they all buddy-buddy and junk like that? why can’t he let go of her? Everyone tells me I could get so much better and I deserve better, but I don’t want to just give up, and I don’t want that cow to win. You know? I get so angry at his disregard for my feelings that it makes me despise him. I want to slap him I feel so hurt. And I want to seriously kill her! When I asked him if she even knows he has a girlfriend he didn’t respond... So does that mean he’s keeping me a secret? I don’t know what to do! How do I keep from losing my mind and going completely insane?? How do I get rid of this stupid girl??

written by junecat, 07 November, 2011

I can only speak about my own experience concerning this situation.
First off, the advice on this post upsets me. Because it makes the poster feel bad for her feelings. Her feelings are valid too. There is a reason why the poster feels this way. It’s not mere slight of jealousy or control.
I was engaged to a man who used to flirt with his exes. He cheated on me before, however, one of our conditions for re-establishing our relationship was to not talk to our exes. He didn’t like me talking to mine and I was not going to be in a double standard relationship.
Needless to say, he broke this promise on several occasions. He broke it when he tried defending his actions for flirting with an ex-girlfriend (who is married) on facebook. He broke it again when he told another ex that it was MY idea to no longer talk to her. Yet, he still remained in contact with her via text messages and calls. He broke the promise again when he wished another ex (the girl he cheated on me with) a happy birthday and asking how her kids were, and blamed me for ruining our Valentine’s Day. I was livid he blamed it on me. He said if I wasn’t so suspicious, he wouldn’t talk to them. Or if I just trusted him again, I would find nothing. Or it’s not his fault all these women want him.
In the beginning, I was so angry at these women for contacting him. Then again, how do I know who truly initiated contact. Eventually, I realized I have no reason to be angry at these women. The responsibility is with him. It’s all about choices. He chose to disregard our promises to each other and go forth with his actions. There is nothing I could’ve done to change him or his ways.
So dear poster, your feelings are valid. I don’t know if you’ve ever talked to your SO about this, but you need to if you haven’t. If you have and he continues to disrespect your feelings concerning this situation, it’s best to move on. There’s nothing you can do to change him. You can change your situation and put yourself in a happier, RESPECTFUL relationship. :-)

written by A guy who talked to his ex, 07 November, 2011

I’ve read about half of this page. I’ll give you my perspective.

If a guy is sneaking away to talk to his ex, talking to his ex in secret, he has something to hide. It’s either emotional feelings for his ex, or it’s sexual. Maybe both.

If he’s calling you by her name, he’s still thinking about her (not at that moment necessary but she’s on his mind) and he’s not over her.

If you’ve caught him talking inappropriately with his ex and he refuses to admit that there’s anything wrong, and you’re having second thoughts about if it’s wrong or not, you are in denial. It’s wrong, and the fact that he’s not facing the truth and realizing something is wrong is a STRONG sign that he’s not over her and wants to continue this, regardless of how you feel. If he admits it’s wrong, but continues doing the same thing, it’s the same. If SHE’S the one that’s being inappropriate, but he’s not putting a stop to it right away...he CLEARLY wants it.

It’s normal to have feelings for your ex, I mean, look at all these examples, it happens all the time. You go from one relationship to an other, and especially when you’re in touch with your ex, it’s going to happen. If they’re "just friends" there shouldn’t be any inappropriate communication/behaviour between the two. There shouldn’t be any dependance.

Most of this behavior is disrespect to you, and your relationship.

This is from my own experience as the bad guy.

You will only seem like a selfish angry bitch when you try to get in the middle. That, or he’ll come to understand how you feel but his feelings for his ex aren’t going to go away because of that. They’ll eventually go away if he stops talking to her and he TRIES to put a stop. But if he DOESN’T try or doesn’t want to try...you are doing yourself a HUGE disservice to yourself. You’re temporary, you’re replaceable, you’re clearly just not worth it to him.

Ladies, there are guys who will treat YOU the way you should be treated, guys that will make YOU feel like you’re the only girl in the world. Don’t stay with a guy who is still holding on to his ex, and certainly stay away from them.

After putting a girl through this, I went through the same feelings I put her through by a girl that wasn’t over her ex, and I recognized all of my past behaviors and all of the pain she felt. I ended the relationship and just moved on.

written by showbiz, 15 November, 2011

I dated a guy for 2 years and our physical chemistry is like nothing I have every experienced. I found out he moved in with the neighbor after he lost his job. She has money and pays for everything for him-new car, etc. He was seeing us both for awhile, I broke it off with him when I found out.. just to have him keep calling me constantly. I finally started seeing him again just for physical reasons till I find someone who is relationship material. I figure if she didn’t respect it when I was seeing him, this is the least I can do for her. Let her keep buying him things to come over my house 2-3 times a week. When the time is right, I will dump him again and let her know what has been going on the past few months. Kinda killing two birds with one stone.

written by Minerva, 17 November, 2011

Ditto. We are in the same boat trying to figure out what the communication with the ex actually means and how it may or may not change the direction of our relationship. Not many of us know for sure what the BF is talking to his ex about or why.

Surely it’s a symptom that the BF cannot move on and commit to a new relationship. My BF talks to his ex every other day. He goes to "her" house (the house that they shared together) frequently to use the tools and workshop that he still has there, a year after they have split up.

I have told him how I feel about it. I have not issued ultimatums. Because he knows it makes me feel bad and he knows that I believe it means that he still has feelings for her (he admitted this), and that I believe he can’t/won’t move on with his life, he lies to me about contact. But yesterday he was there again. In objective terms, all jealousy aside, I’m angry because he knew I was making dinner for him and he did not call me until he was already late. He just expected to turn up whenever he felt like it (several hours later)

Here’s the kicker: I am to blame for his lying to me because "I" get upset when he goes to her house or talks to her.

written by Confused Help, 18 November, 2011

Me & my boyfriend have been going out for awhile. He bought me a ring a month ago. He still hangs out with his ex wife & says they are just friends. She knows about me but very little & she does not know I have a ring. Just the other day we got into a small argument so he left. I thought he was just going to chill, but the next day I found a receipt where he went to get something to eat for two. I asked him about it & he told me he went to talk with his ex at her house. What should I do?

written by SameBoat, 04 February, 2012

Iche... looks like we’re all in this boat together, and damn is it full. My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year, and have had issues with her lying to me about various activities with her ex of 3 years. The first was when she slept with him about 3 months into our relationship, and told me about it 3 months after only because she told him she didn’t want anymore contact with him in that way and he had threatened to tell me himself if she didn’t. So she did, and I begrudgingly forgave her. Things were great until a few months later I discover from a roommate of mine that he had seen them at his place of employment earlier that day, when just earlier I received a very detailed text about everything she was doing that day... except having lunch with him on his birthday, and taking him around town to run other errands. I confronted her yet again, and was met with many disjointed responses of not knowing why she didn’t tell me; that it was his birthday and he had called her up and asked her to lunch, and that she didn’t even want to go, but somehow felt obligated. She apologized profusely, and this nearly ended things, once again... but, as last time, I took her back. She constantly refers to him with negative emotions and harsh names (he was a very brutish guy who broke many of her things and has a felony or two), yet I came across a few texts between them which seemed very amiable... and at 2am, mind you. I spoke with her about it, and she apologized... again... but said something has reminded her of him, and that she just felt compelled to share it with him. At this point, I honestly don’t know what to do or think. I have always told her she can talk to or see anyone she likes (she’s an adult, it’s her choice), but that if it’s THIS ONE GUY, I would like to at least know about it. Yet, for whatever reason, this concept is lost on her and she avoids telling me at all cost. Oh, P.S. When I found the texts, they were the only 4 texts between them in her history... which means all previous texts had been deleted. I feel as though I have been very accomadating in this situation, but I just can’t help but feel like a shmuck more and more every day, and every time it happens and I just take her back. It’s killing me, but I don’t want to keep banging the same piano key. Any advice from any of you out there?:/

written by J-J, 05 February, 2012

Wow I thought I was the only one!!! Well my story is a lttle weird. I’ve been married for two years and I’m not sure if my husband is obessed with dogs or if its just an excuse to keep in touch with his ex? We recently moved to another state away from the ex and i thought he would forget the ex and forget the dog the have togeather. We rescued a dog where we live now but it seems like the his ex’s dog is his world.

written by jessieleah, 17 February, 2012

Wow, lots of us in the same boat. My b/f still in touch with his ex but he doesn’t know that I know. They were not married and had no kids. they have been apart for 10 years and we have been together for 4. He lies about lots of things-not only to me, but little silly lies to other people. She doesn’t know about me. I think she should move on. They still exchange gifts but he denies this. I feel like I am only a small part of his life and unimportant, someone to go on holiday with, socialize with, have sex with. He is very anti-marriage and says he doesn’t want to live with anyone again. I know that he loves me, but I too find strange receipts etc. Any advice would be welcome. I am 60 and he is 62

written by Jan Smith, 17 February, 2012

Im so glad I found this site! Im with my b/f for 4.5 years, I am 47 and he is 50. He never divorced his first wife, they are seperated for 15 years with 3 grown sons. I was told he would divorce after we got engaged but to date it has never happened. They use to talk alot esp at set times (shes getting off work etc) and they always give the reason’its to catch up on the kids". I know its not the only reason, they also give each other advise. Shes with a livein man for 6 years. She is still very close to his parents and is there all the time. They talk on their cells behind our backs so we never know what is going on or being said. I know he spends his weekends with me. She also caused our first big breakup- as soon as I got my diamond she was calling all the time and I got upset and said I dont like it and he told me"Im not going to stop talking to kathy, if u dont like it leave!"........I was so heartbroken. Lately she is interfering -whenever we have a plan with one of his sons someone is making up stories that one of us was bad or stirred trouble. At xmas his son was going to invite me and him to his place for a dinner with his new gf. There was a mixup and it was missed so the ex calls dave ripping mad-yelling at him and asked is he going late and he said NO (see he is a drinker).... so then she said THEN ILL GO IN YOUR PLACE! and it was none of her business it was her sons dinner and the son screwed up the plans on us, cause if we knew we woudl have been there. I have told her more than once to cutback the calls and nothing changes. It seems they cant let go I really hurts me alot.

written by Molly Tahet, 02 March, 2012

If your partner/husband/fiance’/boyfriend will not stop talking to his past girlfriends, then no amount of yelling at him will steer him away.

You need to make him hit rock bottom.

Only then change will occur.

written by HATER, 13 March, 2012

5 YEARS HERE SAME BS....STILL TALKS AND TEXTS OLD GIRLFRIEND...

written by Alfreda, 08 May, 2012

He keeps all his ex’s on his phone book. Tells me that he is African and his ex girlfriends might do something if he just leaves them. He talks about his girlfriend Olive every fuckn day and he is the most unreasonable bastard I know. It’s bad! he tells me what the girl used to do, how she used to do it, why and how and what. He tells me that he is over her, but why the fuck does he mention her 24/7 if he is over her. Not only that , I just found a text on his phone that he sent to ONE OF HIS EX SAYING ‘ HOW DID U ARRIVE IN SCHOOL ? HOPE U FINE. LUV U’ and another AM SOOO WORRIED ABOUT YOU’

written by Ship Captain, 09 May, 2012

Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially no longer a boat. We need a ship to fit all of the folks in this same situation. I have been trying and trusting for the past year. He had me to the point where I was honestly believing he had cut contact with his ex girlfriends. I travel a lot with work. While I was gone on my last trip, he reached out to three of them. Of course he has excuses for why he did (1 excuse for each of the women). The bottom line is, I can’t trust him. It’s not about what I found, it’s about what I’m not able to find/see because he hides it, deletes it, or it occurs on his work email or some other source that I don’t have access to (he is a computer network specialist). I am passing the wheel to someone else. I am no longer willing to stay on this ship and wonder whether I am with a man I can trust. I should know that after a year of marriage. I cannot put my life on hold. I am trying to make moves in my personal and professional life and I need to know if my mate is in it for the long haul. Nothing worse than building your dream to lose half of it in a divorce. I suggest to all of you: (a) get some standards and stick to them (b) stop holding out for someone to change who doesn’t want to change (c) do not continue to let him/her make you feel guilty for their wrong doing (d) gather your strength and decide to actually take control of your own happiness...I am. Best of luck to all of you.

written by Kenny1, 19 May, 2012

I am in a relationship of almost 4 years and well my problems seems to grow worse each time and I don’t know what to do besides stay quiet. Lately my boyfriend has been talking to his ex’s no one but all and he said he want to make peace because we’re growing older, even when they were the one who hurt him, and what really hurts is that over 2 months he’s been saying I’m busy and want to get back to stuff and I always let him do thing that make him happy and he gets mad when I said I want us to have time to just us two for like an hour or 2 at most and he gets mad and well it didn’t happen. When his ex gf wanted to meet he instantly made time for her..... and well he takes her out, cook for her and sound so considerate of her.... he’s not like that with me no more.,... well the thing is we once broke up and well he did the exact same thing.. he said he just wanted to talk, then he took me out nod just spent time.... what should I do....

written by Tina C, 13 July, 2012

Wow, it really makes me feel better to know that other women are going through this. My fiance of 7 years had been talking to his ex wife everyday for 6 months and
I knew nothing about it. He has been telling her and everyone in his family that she is the only woman he will ever love, how much he dislikes me and how terrible I am, and how he wishes they were still together. This is all so hurtful and confusing because we lived together for 7 years. We were going to get married. Every time I try to talk to him about this he says that I am trying to keep him from his children, that he had with her. He tells me that he doesn’t want to be with her but the truth is that she doesn’t want to be with HIM. And now neither do I... I just kicked him out.

written by nancy c, 27 July, 2012

omg my relate to this sooo much i been with my bf for almost 3 years & he keeps talking to his ex alot one time i went threw his emails & saw she was emailing him & saying she loves him & even writes out songs for him & he would replay back to them & i know down deep inside me he cares about her still but he constantly keeps talking to her behind my back & when i find out i feel soo betrayed by him i even told stuff to his ex & she knows who i am & know where i stand but she dosent get it! i ask him do u still want to be with her & he says no & i have asked her do u want to be with him & she says no too i just dont get them at all she always tells me he is always going to love me & all & that gets to me alot! sometimes i dont even want to be around him at all anymore or even have sex with him & before i use to text him when hes at work & i dont anymore! and he always ask me why i dont text him anymore & i domt say anything can anyone give me some advice about this?

written by brokenone, 06 August, 2012

I’m in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is supposed to move in with me as soon as I can get my own place (I have kids, and I live with a family member). Our plan is marriage.

Earlier this month, he got really drunk at a bar, and I had a sneaking suspicion that it was with a girl. He told me it was a guy from high school that he ran into. A couple weeks later, he called me his ex’s name, after forgetting that he was talking to me. He actually thought he was talking to her! No, he wasn’t sober at the time. Issue #1 that he’s lied about. Now things were finally getting better.

Last night he confessed that he was actually with his ex that night, and he was so angry with himself because it didn’t feel right, even though they supposedly have no feelings for each other. Then he said she got mad that he was so drunk, so he took her out to lunch a few days later to ask her forgiveness.

I have his phone/text records because he has a phone through my plan. He said she got in touch with him initially. It turns out that he initiated every single call and text.

He’s begged my forgiveness but claims he doesn’t understand why I’m angry with him for being honest. It’s the deceit that I’m angry about! The fact that he went behind my back to see his ex, got drunk with her, called her at 6am the next day to beg her forgiveness, took her to lunch, initiated every conversation with her since then, called me her name, made me feel utterly worthless...

Right now I’m looking for the strength to walk away. I wanted to marry him. What’s worse, my kids were very attached and hopeful because I genuinely believed that this was our future. It hurts so much. But I want a man that doesn’t make me hurt. Or to be single.

written by ily_53, 04 December, 2012

my boyfriend and i have been toegether for 8 months now and he has a 2 year old with his ex gf. he has always denied having any feelings for his ex and swears he is over her. but i noticed that they would text alot (arguing) about the child and i didnt think it was right... because in a way thats like putting alot of attention on your past... the txting was out of control... in september we had plans to go eat at a restaurant and he took forever to come pick me up i’d say about four hours... when he finally did pick me up he got a call and was hesitant to answer infront of me... he answered and it wAS his ex.. they had never spoken on the phone before since being seperated to i thought this was weird... he rushed her off the phone and invited his brother to meet us at the restaurant which was also weird... after the restaurant we went to the movies and i felt his phone vibrate about 6 times throught out the movie i asked to see his phone and he refused. i went to the restroom and when i got back the movie ended his brother went home and we headed to my apt at my apt i asked to see his phone and he said "oh shit i gave it to my brother i forgot to get it back from him" (also weird) so i let all that go and two months later (november) he said he wanted to show me something so that i could see he was only about me. he showed me the texts between them from that day and his ex was coming on to him... and it seemes like he was blowing her off in the texts... but idk... it still seems really fishy to me...and i cant seem to let it go...