My husband’s lying is out of control

I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, married for 11. He was a boisterous, fun-loving, caring person; a people pleaser to a fault. Everybody’s best man or MC at our friends’ weddings, etc. Having said that, He has always exaggerated the truth. This week, after spending the last three months actively looking for a house with an agent, I found out that he forged the approval documents. This I found out from a two year old collection notice on one of my credit cards (he was responsible for our finances) that I happened to come across in the basement. I have now come to learn that he hasn’t paid a single thing on any of our cards for TWO years; he’s destroyed our credit and left us with thousands in unpaid debt. In addition, the own payment was a lie. He also let our car insurance lapse, so I’ve been driving our two kids around without insurance. The thing is, we make great money and could have easily sorted it out together. My whole world is rocked. There’s no explanation for the deceit.

He says he’s broken and that he doesn’t know why he does what he does. He believes his own lies and finds that when there’s any conflict whatsoever, he just whitewashes it to make the conflict go away. In a sick twisted way, he will say anything to make me happy. I’m so confused. If I think back, he’s lied time and again over the years (bad and silly and some just so stupid!). I think I love him but now my whole life just feels so shattered. I just can’t help having visions of us on the porch at eighty and me finding out about some stupid lie. I want to make it work. I think. I don’t know what life would be like without him. He’s my best friend. Is there any hope or will he shatter my dreams again and again... and our children’s dreams... we are all he has and I know if I leave, he will wind up in a ditch somewhere. I’m so confused.

Any feedback and additional sources are greatly appreciated.

Response:

The type of behavior you describe – trying to avoid conflict and please everyone – often results in self-destructive behavior. Rather than deal with conflict and difficult situations, some people engage in self and other deception. They avoid problems, ignore issues, and construct a version of reality, which is not grounded in the facts. While some deception is healthy and functional, the type of behavior you describe is not (see compulsive lying).

But, here is the problem. You cannot force your husband to get help. He has to want to change his behavior and get the help he needs. Until he wants to change, anything you force him to do will fail. And given his approach to problems, he will tell you what you want to hear, which probably has little resemblance to the truth.

So, you are faced with a difficult choice: Stay with a person who is self-destructive? Or take care of yourself? Trying to do both is probably not realistic. Talking to a therapist about the choices you face may help you make the best out of this terrible situation.

Wish we could be of more help.

dating compulsive liar | lying husband

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