Because I lied once, does that mean I will always be a liar?

"Once a liar, always a liar". This was something my girlfriend told to me, and even her parents told her that when I finally confessed to lying to her, but is it really true? Am I really a liar, and if so, is it impossible to change?

I am a 20 year-old male, and recently, I was caught telling a serious lie that almost jeopardized my relationship with her. It happened mainly because of my family’s religious beliefs, and my own undoing by telling one lie that grew and could not be undone. I love my girlfriend dearly, but my family was doing everything in their power to tear me away from her because she didn’t believe in the same religion as us, and didn’t approve of her. It would even get to the point were I was getting thrown out of the house, my own belongings getting destroyed by my mother, and intense verbal abuse that even my girlfriend was witness to when I was speaking with her on the phone—from my mother also.

I had experienced this several times in my life even with any friends that I made. So when my family was saying horrible things about her that I knew myself weren’t even true, I lost all hope that my family would ever accept her and drop the matter. Even when I decided to run away from home, I was being stalked at my workplace and even where I was staying. Ultimately, the only solution was to move somewhere far away from my family, to live alone. Even though my sisters did not approve of me, they decided to help me catch a plane to get out-of-state, and with the help of my aunt, to find a place since they knew how my mom was. The only way they would help me get away though was if I cut myself away from my girlfriend. To begin with, there was no way I would ever agree to this. It would contradict my own feelings and I knew that if I did that, not only would I hurt myself, but I would hurt my girlfriend by breaking up with her just so that I could succeed in life—because I knew that many people in her life had abandoned her with no good reason. However, I knew that without some kind of help, there would be no way of escaping. So I ended up lying by saying I wouldn’t speak to her. So after everything was said and done I began planning. However it was only until I purchased my ticket did I realize that my mother was going to meet me there to help me get a place. When I asked why, my family said that she was the only one who was in a position to help me. This completely contradicted what I had told my girlfriend would happen, and out of cowardice and fear of worrying and hurting her, I lied about my mom being there with me and getting help from my sisters. I realized that by me saying that, I could not go back on what I told her.

So when she finally realized that I had lied to her, I took that opportunity to come clean and tell her how sorry I was and why I did what I did. She was rightfully upset and expressed how hurt she was that I had did that and I understood how she felt. She also told me that I would have to regain my trust in her and that I also knew was a consequence that I would have to go through because of my actions.

However she told me that her parents believe that once a liar, I’ll always be a liar and that I have no chance of changing. Even though my girlfriend gave me another chance, that statement still bothers me. I don’t think that I’m a liar, but that I said those lies because I was afraid and it was the first time I’ve ever felt so trapped. Even so, I know there is no real excuse for my actions but I don’t want to be a liar if I really am one. I don’t want to hurt people like that, especially the one person that I love so much. It hurts myself and everyone around me and I don’t want to be somebody like that.

Did I just lie? Or am I really a liar? If I am a liar, I don’t want to be one. Please help me.

Response:

Everyone lies from time to time. Lying is a normal part of human relationships. The situation you describe, where there are competing demands, threats, and unrealistic expectations, people often resort to lying (see why and when people lie).

It does not sound like you have a problem with lying (see compulsive lying).

There are steps you can take to create an environment where you are less likely to lie. However, this often requires that other people in your life stop placing you in no win situations (see steps for minimizing deception).

In short, just because you lied, doesn’t mean you have a problem with lying. Hopefully, the information provided in the links above will better help you understand what happened and how it can be prevented in the future.

stop lying

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