Keep catching my girlfriend lying about her sexual history
My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. Everything has been wonderful except that throughout the relationship, I have caught her in various lies in various ways, usually through someone else telling a story and not knowing I was not privy to the details.
Most of them stem from guys she was hooking up with while we were talking. I have no issue with her hooking up with other guys as I have plenty of hookups in my past. I told her upfront about them and said I would like the same in return, no details just if she had and if she could tell me before I met these individuals and she agreed and said she had never done anything outside of kiss anyone or have her ex boyfriend cop a feel of her breasts.
However, when I asked her about specific individuals she flat out said there was nothing that had ever happened between them or that they had only kissed. Six months into our relationship, shit hit the fan when I found out she had in fact hooked up with a friend of mine a week before we started dating. I felt so hurt that she hadntold me, but I forgave her.
A few months later I found out that she had given head to a guy while we were still in the process of talking but she had told me that she had never done anything with anyone else outside of her ex boyfriend copping a feel.
I felt completely violated but for some reason held on to our relationship. It finally came out last week that she had actually given a handjob to my friend instead of just kissing him and now I feel so hurt by the weight of these lies.
Every time I’ve tried to resolve them and tell her I’m in pain she says I should just get over it because it happened in the past and she is too embarrassed to talk about it.
It hurts so much that someone you care about so much could cause so much pain and I am at a loss as to what I should do. What is your opinion on this mater?
Response:
Roughly 30 to 40% of people lie about their sexual history (see lies lovers tell). Based on the information you provided, it is possible that your girlfriend has an Unrestricted Sociosexual Orientation (see hooking up smart).
If this is the case, you might want to have an honest conversation with her about the subject. However, an honest conversation involves listening to what a person says, without having a negative reaction. If you react negatively or tell her what is acceptable or not acceptable, then she will be more likely to lie to you.
It might be helpful to read both the section on when people lie and how to get others to be more honest.
If you can talk about the subject with your girlfriend without there being any anger or punishment, you will be more likely to find out the complete truth.
Without knowing the complete truth, it will be hard to trust her and you will always be uncertain. Learning the truth is not pleasant – that’s why lovers lie.
Once you have all of the facts, then you can make a decision about what is best for you. Couples counseling? Breaking up? Learning to live with it?
Hope that helps.
lying girlfriend | past sexual history
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