Got caught texting a guy from work and my boyfriend ended our relationship

I have been with my boyfriend for over three years and living together for one. He recently went through my phone records and found out I was texting a guy coworker for the last two months, he found over 10 texts within a month I did lie about the texts and changed the name on my phone to a girl’s name. However, nothing ever happened beyond the texts. He now thinks I cheated on him and ended our relationship. He doesnwant to talk or hear anything from me. He said he’s already moved on. How can someone move on in only a few days? I donknow what else to do. But I donwant to lose my relationship over something I didndo. He is extremely stubborn and does not like to communicate his feelings. I need some advice please.

Response:

Based on your question, you might want to read the section on dismissing attachment (see attachment styles).

People with a dismissing style of attachment have a difficult time trusting others, sharing their feelings, and making themselves vulnerable. They also tend to be more self-sufficient. When they discover a betrayal, they typically end the relationship they are in, rather than trying to work it out. Their fear of trusting others and their inability to communicate their feelings makes it difficult for them to resolve relational problems. Instead, they get angry and move on (usually to repeat this pattern in future relationships).

If your boyfriend does have a dismissing style of attachment, the more pressure you put on him, the less likely he is to respond. People with a dismissing style of attachment try to maintain their autonomy when they have been hurt. This can create a problem for you – the more you try to solve the problem, the less likely he is to respond to you. Ideally, the two of you should work through this issue (and the attachment issues involved) in therapy (see truth about attachment).

Again, if this is the case, it might be wise to use what happened as a learning experience. Be aware of the attachment style of the person you are dating. It can predict a lot about relational outcomes. Also, take a look at your desire for getting attention from someone else. Was this due to the fact that your boyfriend didn’t share his feelings with you? And/or might you have an anxious style of attachment? People with an anxious style of attachment are more likely to flirt with others because it makes them feel special. If this is the case, going to therapy on your own may help prevent this from happening again.

anxious attachment | dismissing attachment | end of relationship

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