Difficult time trusting my husband after years of dishonesty
My husband and I separated after 16yrs together due to his dishonesty about finances (hiding money and spending money so that I couldn’t pay bills for example), his lack of help with household chores or helping on outside chores as we live on a small farm. I’ve had to pick up a fulltime job and also teach part time to make ends meet (we had wanted me to stay home with kids until they were older).
He has a great career that pays well and we shouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck. He moved out in August 2013 and we still did a lot of things together during that time and also with our 2 kids. We decided to get back together and have him move back into the home in Jan 2014. He informed me at that time for the month of December he was also seeing another women who I know and lives in our small town. He had lied to me 100’s of times about things during the month of December regarding seeing anyone and still lies about the whole relationship with the other women. I’ve caught him lying about almost everything regarding that relationship and he was even willing to put his hand on a bible and swear/promise things that I later found out he lied about.
When I call him out on the lies, he tells me he was really confused about us during that time and that by me having him move out away from the kids, he didn’t know what he was doing. Technically we were separated and he says he didn’t know we would get back together. He spent the night regularly and apparently was texting her while at my house. I’m very embarrassed that he started dating someone in my hometown that I grew up in (he did not and when he moved out, moved 45mins away).
The other women and I have numerous mutual friends and she knew about me. Had I known about all the new lying I would have never had him move back in and now I feel guilty having him move back out because of our kids. I have no trust in him and it’s been 9 months now since he’s moved back in. He has changed a lot and has started helping inside and outside and makes sure to tell me how much he loves me and will not lie to me again. He is going out of his way to do nice things for me and appears to be trying very hard to make the relationship work.
My problem is I can’t seem to get over all of the lying. It’s still something I think about on a regular basis. I think I would have an easier time getting over it if it hadn’t been with someone I know (not closely) that is very involved in my community. I have so much anger still and have a difficult time not making mean comments to him. When I bring it up on occasion, he gets upset and doesn’t want to talk about it of course (I catch him in new lies) and he apologizes and says there’s nothing else he can do to take it away.
I know that he is right, that it will take time, but after 9 months I still can’t seem to get over it and still have a ton of anger. I still question what he’s doing, is he lying, what else do I not know about him. I don’t know what to do as part of me wants him to move back out and part of me wants him to stay!
Will I ever get over this? He seems to struggle telling the truth on a lot of things. He’s not a druggy, doesn’t beat me, has a good job, and is now helping out. I should be happy, right?
Response:
In order to be happy, people need to feel safe. Security comes from being able to trust a partner and your husband’s continuing pattern of lying makes that difficult to do.
It is probably in your best interest to explore why your husband feels the need to lie (see when and why people lie). Until you deal with these underlying issues, it will probably be very difficult for you to be happy.
Other Options:
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.
