My boyfriend doesn’t trust me because I lied about my past

This is the first time I write on any forum about my relationship and myself. I met my current live in boyfriend online 7 months ago and we have been living together for the past 3 months. He is an amazing single father of 4 teenagers and the kids are great and we get along great as well.

Through all this he lost his job shortly after I moved in and I’ve been the one paying the bills and holding things up financially and it is not an issue for me. He was called in last week about a job and starts working soon.

My issue is that he has asked me about men in my past and I have given him what he feels are not whole truths. For example, if he asked me about a particular man, I would say he is a friend and did not offer more on the subject.

Soon after I moved in with them, I had been contacted through text or email by men I had either a casual relationship with or men who had been stationed with me in the service in the past (that I’ve known for over 10 years) but had no sexual relationships with but nonetheless. I’ve had a friendship with them.

I deleted text messages just trying to avoid conflict with him so that he didnfeel as if I were trying to keep them in my life. In doing so I have created a mess. He has access to my email, phone, Facebook and any other social media of mine. I had no issues with granting access because I did not have anything to hide.

What is happening is that in providing that access to him he has been reading conversations I’ve had in the past with these men weather they were just "hello how are you" or if they have been sexual in nature. Again, all of these conversations and connections have been prior to my relationship with him.

What’s happening now is he has asked me questions either about the men or even the conversations (some I remember, some I don’t) as he’s asked me questions I about these past relationships and I have not been openly honest. In asking questions, he already knows the answers to he wants to see if I am telling the truth about my relationships with these men in the past. I have only given him bits and pieces.

While at the beginning of my relationship with him I entertained these texts, they were honestly just texts asking how am I and how my life is going. I deleted them and now he thinks I have been trying to stay in touch with these men for whatever reason.

I promised I would not lie about my past anymore but last week he confronted me about another person in my past and feeling attacked I did not give him a full disclosure until he told me he had read convos between me and that particular man. This created an even bigger mistrust issue.

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN; he is amazing in every other way except this jealousy. My only issue is he is jealous and thinks I am not being honest with him and that if I have lied about things in my past I could very well be lying about things now or in the future. My only indiscretion has been that I texted back and deleted them. I HAVE NOT ONCE NOR I PLAN ON BEING UNFAITHFUL TO HIM. I donwant to lose him and hope I can work on rebuilding trust with him so that he can see I am not untrustworthy.

If I wanted to be single and with other men I would not have gotten involved with a single dad. I want to be able to show him he can trust me and cultivate our relationship and grow from this. How can I show him he CAN TRUST ME even after this?

Response:

If you want to try to rebuild trust with your boyfriend, please read over the section on rebuilding trust (see rebuilding trust). These are time-proven strategies for helping couples deal with issues of betrayal.

While these strategies are effective, they do not work in every case. If you are dealing with a person who is overly jealous and may have an anxious style of attachment (see attachment styles), rebuilding trust can be extremely difficult to do.

For people with an anxious style of attachment, they unconsciously expect to be betrayed. If that is the case, no matter what you do, your boyfriend will probably continue to have issues with jealousy unless he seeks out professional help. A therapist, who specializes treating people with attachment issues, can work wonders.

In the future, it helps to remember that relationships are created by two individuals coming together to share parts of their life. In a healthy relationship, you become interdependent, but you do not lose aspects of your own identity.

In other words, just because you love someone and want to create a life together, that does not mean that you have to tell a person everything about yourself. You are entitled to your past, some privacy, and autonomy.

It is not healthy to completely enmesh your identity with your partner. So, if a partner asks you about your past relationships, you don’t have to lie. You can simply say, “There are things I don’t feel like sharing.” If your partner doesn’t respect your wishes, that should be a warning sign. No matter how much you love someone, if they do not respect your need for some autonomy, the relationship will probably not last in the long run.

Likewise, giving someone complete access to all channels of communication is not wise. You actually have things to hide. That is healthy. Being in a relationship where you are expected to share everything all of the time, is not realistic or beneficial. In fact, you would not be in the situation you are in right now had you maintained some boundaries early on in your relationship.

anxious attachment | partners jealousy | trust issues

Other Options:

View all tags (specific issues)
View all questions listed by topic (broader focus)

I have my own question to ask

Truth About Deception – back to our home page.