Girlfriend lied to me about liking someone else

My girlfriend of six months has been lying to me. I found her diary from last year before we met and it mentioned a guy she met (Matt) and liked when she was at a bar and that he had a girl friend. When I started dating her (about 1 month from the start) I called her and she was out and I asked her who with and she said Matt.

When I saw her the next time I asked her about him as she had is never told me about him and she said that he was a friend and that he lives 3 hours away and he came down with his girlfriend and stayed the night.

Last night about 4 months on from when I questioned her about him I saw she received a message from him and I brought up if she ever liked him and she said no but I managed to get out of her that she did like him but she loves me and doesn’t like him anymore since she met me. Then she said she hasn’t seen him since we started dating and that his girl friend doesn’t know they speak which are 2 lies as per what she told me the first time I asked about him. She then said she had not spoken to him for about 2 months but I saw some text messages from him in her phone 2 weeks ago.

I’m not sure what I should do because if I bring it up it will end up into a fight and she will say I don’t trust her as I’ve been jealous of her before and have got into fights in the past. It will also make her more careful if something is happening and it will be harder to catch her.

I’m not sure if I should consider breaking up with her as I don’t really have hard proof that something happen but she has lied to me.

Please help.

Thanks

Response:

From our perspective, there are at least two possible explanations: It could be that your girlfriend is having an emotional affair and perhaps a sexual affair with Matt. She is hiding her relationship with Matt from you because it’s not a good time for her to breakup with you. Perhaps she can’t be with Matt right now, so she keeps you around.

The second possibility is less problematic. It may very well be that your girlfriend loves you and wants to be with you, but that she has a little crush on Matt. And it could be that she uses the “idea of Matt” as a means of coping with everyday life. All relationships are difficult and when your girlfriend feels irritated, annoyed, misunderstood, frustrated, confused, etc., she thinks of Matt and contacts him as a means of coping.

If this is the case, her crush on Matt may help her work through some of her feelings while maintaining a relationship with you. Think of Matt as a way in which your girlfriend copes with some of her problems. Or try to think of him as a way in which she emotionally vents her frustrations. If you look at it this way, the “idea of Matt” may serve a useful purpose and Matt may help keep the two of you together.

Everyone has contradictory feelings from time to time and everyone needs a way to deal with such feelings. Some people are more likely to turn to their partners with such issues (see secure attachment) while other people are less comfortable doing so (see dismissing attachment). It may very well be that Matt helps your girlfriend deal with her feelings and that he has little to do with your relationship. Your girlfriend may always need to have “a Matt” in her life.

But, one thing is certain: The more you try to pry about Matt, the more your girlfriend will try to conceal what is going on (see when lovers lie).

So before you do anything, it helps to ask yourself if you really want to know the truth. Some people prefer not to know. And if you do want to know, are you prepared to deal with the worst case scenario? How would you handle it?

It helps to work through these issues in some detail before you start seeking out information. These days are literally hundreds of different ways of discovering the truth (see discover cheating and lying).

Discovering the truth is the easy part, knowing what to do with the truth is the much more difficult (see recovery and repair).

Hope this helps—best of luck.

emotional affair | lying girlfriend | text messages

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