My girlfriend lied about talking to her ex
I am a 27-year-old man, and I have known my girlfriend (aged 22) for 11 months now. We were in a very deep and meaningful relationship. I spoke to her on the phone for several hours almost every day. I saw her almost every day. She understands me very well and can verbalize what I am thinking a lot of the time. Our relationship has been getting stronger as time went on and we have spoken about getting married. Physically we were very intimate with each other.
She is a very attractive girl, has a very warm personality and gets on well with everyone. Men are always trying to approach her because of her charm.
There has been something bothering me in the back of my mind ever since I’ve known her. I tend to get the feeling that she is talking to another guy at the same time, maybe keeping her options open with me. Her reasoning for that could be because she thinks that she’s not adequate enough for me.
She has actually said to me several times that ‘I could do with someone better.’ She has completed college education and works in adult care services. I have graduated, and currently studying a post-grad teaching course. I work full time with the local authority.
However, I have often mentioned to her that I like her for the person that she is, and that educational achievement is not a priority for me. I love her for the person she is and the feeling I get when I am around her.
I have notice that sometimes if we have disagreements it becomes quite difficult for me to explain my point of view without her getting upset. I feel that she doesn’t understand my point of view, and she says that she feels that I don’t understand her either.
She has told me about her ex and that she had a relationship with him that lasted around 1 year. This relationship ended about 3 years ago.
Cutting a long story short, I have come to the realization that she is still talking to her ex. This led to me finding out that she has actually met with him a few times over the last few weeks. When I confronted her about it, she only admitted that she saw him once, just to give him some books. She adamantly denied seeing him any other times. I was in shock and pain that she wasn’t telling me the complete truth and even though I was going though so much pain, I wasn’t willing to give up. I told her that I could prove it that she saw him on another occasion.
Eventually after a week, she admitted to me last night that she saw him on several occasions. Her reasoning was that she met him to sort a problem with regards to her ex’s friends saying bad things about her and her family. When I asked her why she didn’t inform me of this she replied that she was really stressed out and that didn’t want to get me involved because I was going through a lot myself.
This all happened last night, and I told her that I was in shock and needed time to get myself together. She told me that she didn’t do anything wrong with him and that I would probably leave her after all this anyway. She has apologized via text message since then, and has tried calling but I didn’t answer.
I am completely numbed by this situation and don’t know what to think now. The person I trusted and loved so dearly had firstly, met her ex a few times without informing me, and secondly blatantly lied to my face when confronted. Although she said to me that she didn’t do anything with him, I just don’t know what to believe and whether should give her a second chance.
I was thinking of approaching her ex to get his side of the story, to see what his position is- whether he still likes her or if he saw her as just a friend. This could maybe help me with deciding if it is worth giving her a second chance? If she was physically involved with him then I don’t think it would be appropriate to give her a second chance as that is the most feared nightmare that any man could ever have, and I do not want to relive those thoughts.
I am absolutely distraught and confused at to what to do because I dearly loved her so much. I would appreciate some impartial advice on this matter. Many thanks in advance.
P.S. may I also add that she was sexually abused at the age of 14. She seems to have completely recovered from that and I have given her so much comfort and never mentioned it after she told me. Could this have anything to do with what’s happening now?
Response:
Here are some things to consider as you work through this problem with your girlfriend. To begin with, people who are sexually abused often have issues with their self-esteem. In many cases, they take responsibility for what happened, blame themselves, and feel inadequate. Even though they know they were the victim, they still feel somewhat responsible.
And how people feel about any situation is the most important factor. So, if your girlfriend still feels ashamed or responsible about what happened, it is quite possible that she would not feel adequate in your relationship.
If you think this is the case, showing that you love her, even when she makes mistakes, will help her deal with this problem more effectively than anything else you can do.
And it is common for people to lie to their romantic partners. There is no such thing as an intimate relationship that is completely free of lies. Romantic relationships are complicated—relationships put people under enormous constraints. People try their best to live up to a partner’s expectations, but people also have their own needs and desires, so it is not possible for anyone to live up to a partner’s expectations all of the time. When people do something that might upset a partner, like talk to an ex, most people lie about it. It is quite possible that she wanted to talk to her ex for any number of reasons, but didn’t feel comfortable talking to you about it—that it would upset you, so she tried to cover it up (see why people lie).
Additionally, you mentioned that you and your girlfriend sometimes feel misunderstood. Feeling misunderstood is a pretty good sign that when it comes to talking about issues, people are trying to get their point across, without trying to listen to the other side. When couples try to listen to each other, people, who disagree with each other, still feel understood. My guess is that both of you are not taking the time to understand what the other person is trying to say—that you are both too busy trying to feel understood rather than trying to make each other feel understood. If you try to actively listen to what she has to say, then she will be more likely to listen to what you have to say (see talk about problems).
Where does this leave you? Your girlfriend lied to you about an issue that a lot of people lie about. Getting her ex involved in the situation is not going to help solve this problem.
If you can, try to listen to her side of the story. Try to understand it from her perspective. If you can make her feel understood, she will be less likely to act this way again in the future. And keep in mind, no one is perfect—she made a mistake—like we all do. If you really love her and she is sorry about what happened, why not try to forgive her?
If you don’t learn how to solve such problems in your current relationship, you will just have to learn how to deal with this type of problem in your next relationship.
To help you get started, it might be helpful if both of you read the section on rebuilding trust.
Hope this helps.
confront lying | lying girlfriend | trust issues
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