Want her husband to know

About a year ago I found out my husband of 6 years had physically cheated on me once the previous year. While I was aware of issues we were going through at the time, it was a complete shock as this was a clear boundary we had discussed many times, and I didn’t think he would ever betray me in this way. We went to therapy for 6 months, and our relationship has improved. I call him out on not fulfilling his commitments to me and he is more open and communicative about his thoughts and feelings. He also never denies me access to his phone, email, etc. has broken off several friendships of women he found to be temptations, and stopped watching pornography altogether.

However, I still have a difficult time fully forgiving him and trusting him entirely. There is one issue that continues to weigh on my mind from time to time. When I first found out, I felt strongly that the other woman’s husband should be notified. They had just gotten married and the mother of the other woman had just died so it didn’t feel like an appropriate time to my spouse.

Eventually we discussed in therapy, and he agreed if it would ultimately make me happy, we should tell him. However, It’s been over a year, and "we" still have not done it.

I am wondering if others have felt this way and looking for advice. For me, it’s not about revenge but my sense of morality that has me unable to let this go. I don’t feel like her husband should be left in the dark for many years only to learn the truth. I know if someone had told me of the behaviors that led to my husband’s decision to cheat, I would have wanted to know.

I was in the dark for many years, when I could have been more supportive but didn’t know the ways in which I needed to be. And even though I am still hurt and healing, I would have rather known about the one night stand then to have always been in the dark and has our communication issues continue. I have no desire to confront the other woman, although there is nothing she could say to me to hurt me further. I truly wish that my husband would take it upon himself to confess to her husband (not in person but online), but I feel like it might not be a fair request to make of my husband. In my mind, to think this would bring me some closure and feeling that I can move on, but I don’t truly know if that’s just a desire and not how I would actually feel afterwards.

Response:

If you think that solving problems in other people’s relationships will bring peace to your own, don’t count on it.

It’s normal for emotions to linger after being hurt the way you have. The best way to deal with such feelings is to acknowledge them and be compassionate toward yourself and your husband. You’ve been through a lot and it’s ok to feel doubt and uncertainty from time to time.

Part of recovering from infidelity is realizing that uncertainty and doubt will come and go. These feelings will never completely go away. If you can accept that you will always have difficult days, moments, thoughts… and accept that this is just part of how relationships work, it will help. Trying to find concrete solutions to make such feelings go away isn’t helpful. In fact, the more time and energy you put into correcting your emotions, the stronger they will become.

It should also be pointed out that trying to work through your emotions in someone else’s relationship will not bring you peace. It will just make things worse for everyone.

 cheating husband

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