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Trying to end a toxic relationship
I started a sexual friendship with a man in 2008 and finally in April of 2013, I told him I wanted more of him and asked about his feelings about a real relationship. He said he needed time. I was ok with it and we took things slow until October 2013, he wanted it official: me as his girlfriend. I was extremely happy!!! I had been waiting for him for 6 months to say those words to me! Then I started finding out things from his brother. His brother is my age and we were friends since we were teens but I didn’t meet his brother until 2008. I have a past with the brother and my boyfriend knows about it. Well, the brother was telling me a bunch of things that he felt I should know. They were hurtful things about my boyfriend being unfaithful, and I reacted rashly and started having an affair with the brother. My boyfriend found out and was outrageous! I then felt regret and told him about all the things his brother had told me. He proceeded to tell me half-truths and said it was me that he wanted to be with. We then made up and I moved in with my boyfriend. Then I found out all kinds of things about him. I’ve known this man since 2008, I knew everything about him especially in the bedroom, or so I thought. I’ve saw many yahoo messages from different women (most I knew and have hung out with my boyfriend), he has a wide variety of email addresses for females from different states, I caught him sending and receiving pictures and messages from other women, I’ve caught him with dirty texts from other women on his phone, saw his order history on amazon and he’s been sending a woman in the next town from us all kinds of sex toys and expensive gifts such as a camera with a tripod and a laptop. He also ordered some extreme hardcore xxx things such as a gag mask. I’m not into those things and he knows it. According to the yahoo messages between him and the woman from the town next to us, she is very freaky and likes all the things I don’t. I really have fallen in love with this man during that 6-month waiting period and I don’t know how to deal with everything. I feel like all these things I discovered consumed me. When he found out about his brother and me, he made everything out to be like he was completely innocent and did nothing wrong and could not believe me for hurting him and all the while, he’s been in a "friends with benefits" relationship with the amazon women since 2009!!!! I have recently broke up with him, yet my heart longs for him. I have truly been honest with him about everything I do, yet he won’t admit to everything but tells me he told me about every thing as far as the other women, but I haven’t told him all I know because I feel like he’ll only lie to me. Should I try keeping him in my life, or just pick up the pieces and move on? I couldn’t stand seeing him with someone else if we went separate ways, yet I cant stop stalking his email, Facebook, Amazon, etc. Help please. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Just because you are in love with someone does not mean you can have a healthy relationship with that person. A successful relationship takes a lot more than just love (see healthy relationships).
Given all of the lies, deception, infidelity and betrayal you experienced with your ex-boyfriend, it is in your best interest to move on. However, the hard part can be letting go. When you are attached to someone it can be difficult to move on. What you need to do is experience loss and grieve over the relationship you had. Any form of contact with him, just prolongs the attachment you have for him (see difference between love and attachment).
Try to setup your life so it is difficult, if not impossible to monitor your boyfriend. Delete his contact information, passwords, unfriend him, or whatever it takes. The more you monitor him or contact him, the more he will remain a part of your life and prevent you from moving on.
Breaking an attachment can be difficult to do, but given that you cannot have a healthy relationship with him, it is in your best interest to accept the pain and sadness of missing him. Don’t try to fight the pain and sadness, but embrace it. Accepting loss and sadness is how you will get over him.
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.