The married man is using me

I have been the other woman for 18 months. It’s been the usual cycle of pain and joy -- sleepless nights and enjoyable dates. Gifts and money.

We are friends. We bond. But... he cannot show emotion nor be there for me when I need him. I have a home and children. Am single and thought I had the maturity to be the mistress. I have had clashes with him over values and beliefs.

We are almost like an old married couple. Problem is that I am emotionally involved and have therefore become vulnerable. I have cried bitter tears and felt all the pain of loneliness and emptiness, while he sees his circle of friends and travels.

What has hurt me in more ways than one is that he is brutal with his words, laughing at me when I am having a bad day, comparing my performance in bed to that of his wife, undressing other women blatantly.

I also have it on good authority that he has a "thing" with the wife of a friend. To my disgust and horror both spouses have given their blessing to this!

Recently we had lunch and like a fool I agreed to go. His wife was there! We got on very well, but I felt sick to my gut when she told me to kiss him hello as they are not exclusive! Then she thanked me for taking care of her husband when she travels abroad.

What the hell is this? Am I an idiot? I have spent the last 48 hours in emotional agony. Being his mistress was a secret. Wrong, but our secret. He is good and thoughtful on one hand yet takes pleasure in hurting me verbally and if I react in anger than I am in the wrong. He has on more than one occasion rejected my calls when I needed his love and support as I am going through a difficult time and then lied to me about his mobile not working.

I do not have the courage to confront him and feel that all I can do is withdraw quietly with dignity. I am an attractive and intelligent woman and fell deeply for this charming and kind gentleman of the old school – only to learn the hard way that I am his prostitute on the side. My pain is agony.

Please advise best on how to let go without a scene. As for introducing me to his wife - why was that necessary?

Response:

Everyone has both an emotional and a rational side. For better or worse, our emotions are often more powerful and influential than our rational selves.

When we first get to know someone, they are typically on their best behavior so we lower our guard and can let our selves become physically and emotionally vulnerable.

It’s only once an attachment is formed that people reveal their true selves. From your description he’s shown himself as being selfish, manipulative and using you for his needs with little regard or concern for your wellbeing.

To break the emotional sway he has over you try the following.

Grab a pen and paper and write down all of the ways you would like to be treated. What would he have to do to make you feel valued, loved, and cared for? Be as specific as you can.

Once you have your list, compare his behavior to your expectations.

You’ll quickly see that he’s never going to make you happy or treat you as you want to be treated.

He’s only going to hurt you.

The next time he reaches out to you, think about how you would like to be treated and show yourself the kindness that he fails to show you. He isn’t going to treat you with respect. But, you can treat yourself with respect. Start treating yourself the way you would like to be treated (keep your list handy). If you don’t want to be harmed, step in and protect your self from him. Every time he tries to contact you, think about how you would like to be treated – and then be that person.

Expect him to play dirty by leaving you messages to push your buttons and get you to respond. Don’t fall for his tricks. Again, treat yourself with love and kindness. People, who treat themselves with compassion, don’t let others take advantage of them.

It starts with how you treat yourself and it takes practice. But, by treating yourself with respect and kindness, he will quickly be out of your life and you’ll be more likely to find someone who actually cares about you.

 other woman | troubled relationship

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