Stuck in the same pattern of accusations and withdrawal

I have had issues with my husband. I caught him on social media setting up a time to go and see another woman. The first woman was barely 18, so close to it I was disgusted.

The lady, or lack there of, is less than a year younger than one of his daughters. He is in his 40’s I copied and kept all of the messages and also the text. I confronted him and at first he lied. I then showed him all of what I have. He just got quite and wouldntalk.

I told her (she is also a family friend) to her face very nicely. "You know he is a married man with a family why would you even see him?" She told me, “donworry, I’m over him.”

Why should I care if she is over him? He needs to stop. And it didnstop. I did something I shouldnhave. I called her father. He is close to my husband but at this point he was trying not to talk to her and she just kept texting messaging him.

Now I find out one of his old coworkers is texting him and he is saying, “Oh, Hi Sexy.” Not cool. I don’t trust him but I’m not ready to just throw out my marriage.

I have no Idea where to go from here.

Response:

Of course you are angry. Anyone in your position would be. Anger, however, is not useful when trying to understand and fix a problem. If you can deal with your anger in a constructive way – talking to someone about it, journaling, etc. – it will help you get to the place you need to be in order to work through this problem.

If you keep acting angry and accusatory, you will not be able to have the honest conversations you need to have with your husband. You and your husband need to talk to each other about what you both are experiencing. If you can listen to your husband’s perspective without attacking him or punishing him, you will have a better idea of where he is coming from (see getting partners to be honest). Punishing a partner does not solve problems – it only makes them go underground (see when people lie). Trying to control a partner never works in the long run (see relational dynamics). However, if you can have a genuine conversation with your husband, it will become clear fairly quickly if you can fix this problem or need to move on.

Getting stuck in a cycle of negativity, accusations and denial will only keep you your husband where you are now – trapped in the same conversation with no resolution.

Try a new approach when the old approach isn’t working for you.

cheating husband | confront lying | lying husband

Other Options:

View all tags (specific issues)
View all questions listed by topic (broader focus)

I have my own question to ask

Truth About Deception – back to our home page.