Should I be friends with a man who cheated on his wife and betrayed my trust?

I appreciate your advice. I’m completely turned upside down emotionally about this...

In 2012, I began an ‘affair’ a 2-year affair with a man who was married (He didn’t tell me in the beginning that he was—he never wore a wedding ring and didn’t seem to ‘hide’ me out in the ‘world’ & then 6 weeks into it, I was told by him that he was married but only after I asked him if he was...

He insisted that he was in the midst of attempting to extrapolate himself from this 30+year marriage. Its now 2015, and I knew by 2013 that that wasn’t the case—only after I’d moved across the country to be with him did I realize this was going to be much much slower than he’d told me that it was going to be...always citing various reasons for the delay...

He didn’t leave his marriage but instead did a trail separation for 6 months and then recently moved back home to be with his wife—they are in counseling now to reestablish their relationship.

I ended the relationship over a year ago but he STILL insists on calling me and keeping in contact even though I’ve asked him not to, he feels we had a ‘great love’ sop we should be able to have a ‘great friendship.’

I’m not so sure—I no longer love or respect him, in fact, when he calls me I cringe—it’s gone back to him calling me secretly on his drive home from work.

I’ve told him I don’t think his wife would appreciate him remaining in contact with the woman he had an affair with (she is still unaware)…

Am I right to feel that he shouldn’t be in contact with me?

I know its possible to remain friends with an ex because I have.

But, THIS just doesn’t seem right to me... I do not want to be with him nor do I have any feelings other than disgust for him and what he’s done. But I need to know if I’m on the right path with this or I’m maybe burning a bridge where I shouldn’t (he’s a very well know and powerful man in Canada in his field)…

I just cannot get past the fact that I feel him contacting me is wrong… sometimes I react with emotions and not my brain and I desperately need to know the moral compass here because although in many useful ways, he’s a great man to know -- very influential, but I just feel dirty every time he calls.

The last time he called 3 days ago I was very ‘uninterested’ in his call and it was quite obvious to him so then yesterday I get an email from him and have not replied yet—it doesn’t feel right in many ways and I would so very much appreciate your opinion on this... I don’t feel it was right to be with him in the first place—in some ways I was dazzled and I also wanted to give this man the benefit of the doubt that he was leaving—but after it came too obvious to ignore that he was not leaving any time soon.

I had to get out. So should I stay all the way out or allow this man to keep in contact with me?

I want to tell him to go and tell his wife everything and if she is ok with us remaining in contact (I’m sure wouldn’t be ok with it if I was in her shoes) and if she gives him the go—ahead then fine—friends it is... how wrong am I on this—or am I totally right? I appreciate your help...


To begin with, your “lover/friend” lied to you and his wife in seriously damaging ways.

Although everyone makes mistakes, his behavior is way out of line. He has betrayed your trust in the worst way possible.

You can be friends with an ex. But, a true friend would not treat you like he does. Friends are respectful, supportive, and add value to your life (not drama).

Trust your feelings on this matter. You are uncomfortable, his behavior disgusts you, and you cringe when he calls. This is not the sign of a healthy relationship (see healthy relationships).

He has completely turned your emotional life upside down. If you want to live and a happy and fulfilling life you need to get rid of him—he will only bring you down.

Our best advice is to change your phone number and other means of contact. Never respond to his messages, no matter what. When he has been out of your life for a few months, you will probably wonder why you didn’t do this sooner. A happy life is a life that is free of negativity and drama.

Finally, it sounds like the only thing you “like” about him is his power and status, yet he only causes you harm. There is a term for this type of relationship—it is called an abusive relationship.

Hope that helps.

 cheating husband | end of relationship | ludus | troubled relationship

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