Past Comments – I do not understand my ex-husband's manipulative ways

Comments (110)

been there
written by Ginny, 03 March, 2007
Check the narcissistic disorder known as [NPD] many of my answers were found there it is Sam Vakin has a web page about this disorder and why this disorder has many clues to explain the behavior and why it is hard to pinpoint [NPD] actually it will give you some compassion for them highly unlikely they can be cured {been there lived that}
written by aristotle, 05 March, 2007
I would just like to thank you for this site. It has assisted me very much in trying to understand some of the difficult paradox’s of some very challenging human behaviors and feelings. I appreciate as well, having a place where my voice (and others) can be heard. Someone once said something like: "People will not be remembered for what they did or for their life accomplishments, what people will remember the most is how you make them feel."
This particular behavior of "deception" (especially in relationships) can be so damaging to all or any parties involved. Perhaps in talking about such a subject will erase the "taboo" and open a path to truth rather than lies. I appreciate too, hearing others comment back – thank you for letting me know that I am not alone and for sharing your insight. This has all helped "me" get through (a bit further) my own difficulties. So, "Thank-you"
written by understanding, 16 March, 2007
What helped me was to get involved with different groups like al-anon, AA, etc. I also read endless books on affairs, it help me understand my situation better and how I dealt with different issues. Thankful...
written by LCfrosty, 19 June, 2007
I can relate to the betrayed one in the relationship. I always wondered how and why he could do the things that he did to me also. It never made sense to me. It still doesn’t. I learned though that part is true about how some people approach relationships as a "game" He was one of those and I was sincere. I gave my whole heart and trusted him with it. If he only knew how much that was supposed to mean to him. I thought it meant something, but he was good at reading me and knew what I wanted to hear or actually what I thought he felt. He is still the self centered, manipulative, heart shattering monster he has always been. I thought if he looked good he must be good but then again I was 17 what else do you look for at that age? He begged to marry me and take care of me and took my virginity (oh yeah I had to go there.) I gave him the best years of my life and three beautiful children and have never been respected or treated with any kind of compassion or love from that man and never will. His mind might well be hollow inside because he is. And all I got was 10 years of growing up real fast – learning what this world is really like. He left us in a motel room and never looked back.
written by Hurricane Katrina, 19 June, 2007
I understand. I’m just going through something similar, only I have a five year old daughter involved. My ex married the woman he was having an affair with 7 months after our divorce was final. It’s hard not to wonder why? why? WHY? No matter what he says, you and your children didn’t deserve the pain he put you through. He gave me the same lines (basically – it was all my fault, I didn’t make him happy, etc, etc. He left me holding the bag financially and emotionally with our child. He now tries to manipulate her and accuses me of everything he can. It’s so tough. My heart goes out to you, and is right there with you. It’s "easier said than done" finding what makes you happy, when you spent so much time trying to make someone else happy...
written by MacNaughton, 29 October, 2007
It is hard to believe that so many people have went through everything I did also. I had such terrible time with it because I am 51 and he fell for the gal down the road from us and there is 13 years different in age. He appeared to be such a wonderful true believer in the marriage and I thought I found my soulmate and the perfect man.

It just hurts so much to know that you were so wrong and believed so strongly in someone that never existed. Also his family turned on me also and we too were so close. It is so much worse than a death.
written by written by Gonzalez, February, 18 February, 2008
Wow, I thought only this kind of stuff could happen to me. My youngest daughter is getting married and my cheating ex-husband, never-been-there-for-our-two-daughters father, thinks he should walk her down the aisle to impress his new girlfriend (5th fiance) still married to his 4th wife. God forbid he look like a bad father. Does this make any sense? Plus, all his failing marriages are his ex-wives fault..go figure. That really gets me mad, but my daughters would rather take the crumbs he throws their way just in case one day he might change. Definitely another issue. Am I bitter, I guess so. I hurt more for my daughters because of their father’s neglect. His close friends didn’t even know he had two older daughters. Ghee whiz!
written by irishmcg, 20 February, 2008
WOW! I feel like you are reading my life.... I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years legally. At 8.5 years after I paid and supported him to get a degree and certification he left me. Looking back there were so many lies and so many manipulations. I hurt because I truly loved him, even as an alcoholic. He said he never loved me. He is with another woman now and I continue to be the bag of trash he threw away. He is an unreliable father. The kids never come first as he said they would. It is his schedule, his girl and his life. I am content raising the kids practically by myself. I have learned that right now it is my role to be the best mother I can be. Manipulation, lying, alcoholism rocked me to my core. So did divorce. I take one step at a time, one day at a time. I have to. I know he was not in God’s plan for me. I recommend keeping a journal about your feelings and his tangible behaviors. Divorce destroys dreams I had. He never understood marriage as a commitment (his dad was married 5 times and mom, 2). He grew up if you didn’t like marriage you can get out of it. Amazing.....
written by miserable, 11 April, 2008
Reading all of this, it all sounds like my own life. But I am still married to him. He has been out and then manipulates his way back in, usually using the kids. The kids make it so hard to break away. They are desperate for his attention. He gives it only when he feels like it. It is painful to see this. I know he is miserable, yet refuses to seek or accept help. I guess it is the alcohol. It is just so hard to navigate your way out. I feel the guilt for the kids, etc. And I do not understand him. How drinking and friends can be more important than your 2 kids. I know I cannot change him. It hurts to think about how someone you have given so much to can be so self-absorbed. None of it makes any sense.
written by Melia, 01 May, 2008
Yes! I’m not the crazy one my Ex claims that I am, I was getting worried! We have been divorced for a year, and his New girlfriend ( of 6 months) has "issues" with me. She is jealous, and insecure about everything, and though he and I got along,and were able to communicate really well before she came along, she has separated me from the picture entirely, my ex in-laws are even tense around me, when we were always close. My daughter too feels that this woman has disrupted the family, and friendships. I mean I understand her concerns, and feelings, don’t get me wrong, I too would worry a little. I don’t feel there was any need to hurt and disrespect me because he wanted to impress her. He has hurt our daughter as well, but she has only ever wanted her father to focus solely on her, and so she has made it clear to him that if they spend time together it will be w/ out the new GF. I have tried to relate my hurt to him, because he tells me that I am the one who is being difficult and our daughter’s choice of how she spends time w/ her father is my fault, she’s 17. I know I am and can be stubborn and difficult, and sometimes I feel very ashamed of it. She, the GF did some really nasty things to me, and now wants to be friends and I am refusing. He tells me that he loves me all the time, and that he misses me. He makes it out like he doesn’t really care for her as much as he says, and leads me to believe that he wants to reconcile, Then he "slaps" me back into reality with ("Well I want to be with her, not you! This is really hard for me, to separate how I feel about the 2 of you, and that is why she gets so upset") But then she lashes out at me for it. I have asked her to please never contact me again after the last episode, and I got more crap for it. ("why can’t you just forget the past and what she has done, she reached out to you and you rejected her!") What? okay, um.. I don’t think I need to have a relationship with her, do I? Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a vicious loop with him, and he is trying to get my approval, though he says he isn’t. And there are times when I call him, begging him to just please let me go. I need to move on, like he did, I need to not cry whenever I think of a happy memory that I can never share with the person I had them with, and feel ashamed of having because SHE will get upset. I have been trying to heal, but he ropes me back in, I asked him for closure, he said he didn’t know how to give it to me. It has been very stressful, and hard. But, I am learning how to be ME without HIM, I am getting out there and doing things that make ME happy, and one day I hope I will heal. Thanks for letting me know I am not going MAD!
written by Lila, 08 August, 2008
My husband did the same thing. I now believe that he is a narcissist and addict. He was never able to show affection or love. He is marrying the woman he left me for and blames me for everything. He too went back and forth. Now he tries to use the kids against me. He is often nasty when I have to talk with him. I cannot believe I was with that man for 25 years. The closure you will get is in realizing that you married a man with a character dis-order. He will never change and he was never the man you thought he was or believed he could be. Closure is accepting this. It was never about you it was always about him. Normal people do not solve their problems with lies and deceptions.
written by karen42, 08 February, 2009
My ex of 20 years was and is having an affair with his coworker. When I asked him about it he said I was crazy. I couldn’t take the mental abuse and spoke to an atty. I told him to get out or I’ll get a court order – he would threaten to leave me but never would. Anyway, one afternoon he went to the police station and told them I pushed him and they arrested me. He gave me $40 and sent his sisters to bring me home to him – when I refused and went to my mom’s The following month was hell while I waited for him to dismiss the charges which he did – however, he sat in the courtroom telling me how I was worth nothing that he wasn’t going to look bad for me that he knew if he dismissed the charges the ax would fall – what the heck her I am arrested for nothing and he was worried about what he look like. I filed for divorce and he countered for full custody of the kids. I won the custody and am divorced. He is still in the house with his slut who was also married. I’ve forced the sale but it’s taking forever. He also cheated on me 10 years prior with a different co-worker and of course send he’d never do it again. Lesson learned never give narcissistic men any threats because they will plot again you like you can’t believe. He has never said was sorry I was with him since I was 18 and I truly believed in him. What a huge mistake. Now I’m alone with 2 kids while he’s with the girlfriend, the dog and the house. Life is unfair. Plus he would accuse me of cheating which I never did the whole time he was. Absolutely no remorse what so ever. All I ever hear is that I’m taking to much child support and he can’t pay the mortgage (which is in both our name) because of me. Yet I live in an apt with the kids in a lousy neighborhood while he is enjoying the great neighborhood. And when the house sells he gets to live in his girlfriends house. I just hope the cheat on each other and feel the pain they caused me and I hope it is soon. What good can come from two people who betrayed their spouses for each other.
written by Christy96, 20 February, 2009
This forum shows one thing, there are a LOT of us in the same boat. It’s nice to be able to vent to others who you feel will understand. The worst thing these manipulative types do to us is to make us feel isolate -- like we’re crazy or not thinking right or all alone. I look at my son’s junior high friends and the cruelty of children that age but some people never seem to outgrow that stage. They are stuck in that mentality and will always be the "mean kids". DO NOT LET THEM STEAL THE JOY FROM YOUR LIFE! Don’t try to wrap your mind around what he does because you do NOT deserve this. Sad fact is that some "adults" do lie. Better alone than in bad company! You only have one life to live and none of us know when our time will be up so how do you want to look back on your life at that moment? That’s what I tell myself when my ex-husband is raking me over the coals.
written by Loretta55, 09 March, 2009
Theres a lot of them out there. My husband has lied again and again about a relationship with a woman. I found no end of clues and evidence over the years and each time he convinced me that it was me. I was untrusting. Finally I found text messages confirming my suspicions and I wanted out. He has never told me why. He wouldnt go to counseling. He made life hell for me that I had no choice but to end it. I only hope that he realizes that this woman is only in it for his money and he lives to regret the day that he cheated on me. It would give me huge satisfaction.
written by the fool, 17 March, 2009
I feel like a big stupid fool. About 2 years ago my husband started being very cold towards me and told me that he did not want to show any signs of affection towards me but he still loved me. I believed him, about two days ago I got a call from a woman he said that she has been texting. phoning and emailing my husband for a year now. He says that it is nothing and that I am just reading into this too much. Everything that she told me she has proof of and he will not show me the messages that he sent her. She has asked to meet with me and show me all the messages he has sent her. I feel like a fool, I see other women at the park or anywhere and I wonder, what do they have that I don’t have? Why are their husbands not cheating? What have I done wrong? I have treated this man like a king, I serve him practically hand and foot. He lies and lies, how can I believe him now if he has never told me the truth in the past. It hurts so much, the pain is incredible and he tells me to stop crying and this is what he hates about me, the fact that I cry and have no back bone. I have always been like this and not just now. I am a weak individual but now I seem even weaker. Today I asked him to leave and when he told our three young children they started to cry, so I looked like the bad guy. By the end of the whole thing I took it back and told him that I want to save our relationship. Am I crazy?
written by SJB, 28 March, 2009
Love is patient, love is kind...I had forgotten this. I divorced my spouse who had been verbally abusive. Well, we have both changed, and I want to reconcile and remarry. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he is seeing this woman who helped him over the rough spots... stroked his ego. I just want him to square up with me and say that either we will reconcile or not. That’s all. If it’s no, then my heart will be broken, but at least I know that I will move on with my single life. If it is yes, then woo hoo! Either way, I thank God for the last 6 months that we’ve been together...they have been great and just a blessing.

You are never a fool for loving your spouse...God commands it... I just wished I had remembered all of God’s teachings and stuck out my marriage.
written by the fool, 30 March, 2009
Thank you SJB, as the days go by I am starting to feel better and he seems to really be trying to save this marriage. He is being nice to me, something I haven’t experienced in a long time. It is just really difficult, and I am afraid it will not last.

Thanks again, you and my other friends have made me feel better.
written by Please read this, 13 May, 2009
I am in the same boat as you. I am struggling everyday figuring out why this happened to me.. and why I let it happen. When I was in college, I had these beautiful plans and I realize most of all that I am mourning the loss of that dream. I have decided not to waste anymore time. I have lost enough already and this is only hurting me. He is out of my life.. which is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Just forgive your self. Meditate.. think about a higher purpose. Volunteer for the poor and the needy.. I mean.. there are people out there who don’t even have a home.. or people old folks who can’t care for themselves.. I can’t sit at home and feel bad anymore.. You said you left him because it hurt too much.. well your hurting hasn’t stopped. Take control of your life and don’t let him get to you anymore.
written by aisha29, 16 May, 2009
OMG, i feel so much better reading all your stories (not happy that you’ve been thru so much though). I too am married to a man who lies and lies and lies and cheats and all the rest. My youngest is two now and i found out a few weeks after he was born that my husband had been having an affair with someone for over a year. He’d walked out on me and my eldest son when i was three months pregnant with the youngest and returned when i was seven months pregnant and then left again after two weeks and then returned a few days after i’d given birth. The thing is i got all the proof i needed, text messages, his mobile phone bill which showed he’d ring her at least seven to ten times a day and would text her till 3am each day. Yet my darling husband denied it!! and said he didn’t know what the other woman was on about and he used to ring her number because he was getting prank calls from it and i kept on reminding him i am not stupid but it gets so frustrating even now whenever the subject is brought up because he accuses me of being a "psycho"and making it all up. I recently found some photo’s of him with a couple of strippers, now you’d think he couldn’t worm his way out of this one but he said "the photo was put together using a computer by his mate. I didn’t know whether to laugh or push him out of a window. So much more went on but it’s not worth the effort going into it. I have now split from him and he continues to abuse me and accuse me of taking the kids away from him. I have never stopped him from seeing the kids but because i am claiming child support he doesn’t want to see them. I am 29 years old and have been with him for nearly ten years and wish i had gotten out of this mess sooner. It is hard but you have to take each day as it comes and it’s true what they say "time is a healer". Good luck to all of you Mwah x x
written by Stitchy, 09 January, 2010
The big question that was originally posted, was how does one get closure? I am curious as to how all of you are now dealing with the crazy ex and the paramour he left you for?

My situation is like many of yours...My husband, my best friend of 14 years, up and left one day. So much deception and lies. He took all of our money, and went on luxury vacations with the whore, who btw, was also still legally married. Leaving my children and me penniless, evicted from our very large home, and my car being repossessed, despite court orders mandating he pay for them. He’s since been fired from 5 jobs, 5 attorneys, and filed bankruptcy. It’s been four years, and I still can’t get him to settle and give me a divorce. He filed for full custody, not because he wants the children, but to hurt me. He has been uninvolved in their lives, has never attended a Parent teacher conference, etc., he has no relationship with my 15 year old daughter, because he emotionally abused her, and gave her the cold shoulder one too many times.

Everything I read says I must forgive him and be civil toward him. Not only that, it is expected that I have a kind relationship with him "for the sake of the children." How does this benefit my children? How is it healthy for my children that I, as their stable role model, show that it’s okay for someone to stick a knife in my back and pull it down? I don’t care to have a relationship with him at all. I do not speak to him any longer. If he needs to communicate with me, it must be via text, email or mail. I have no use for him any longer. He chose to run away from his responsibilities. Why should I feel a responsibility to maintain a "kind" relationship with him? I would love to hear from someone who has been divorced, and has made a decision to cut him off emotionally and physically from their lives. I just want to know why that is so wrong to do. I feel it is the absolute right thing to do. I liken it to someone murdering a loved one, which would certainly ruin one’s life, just as he has done to my children’s lives and my life.
written by 1happygirl, 12 January, 2010
OMG!I too have been through the same thing married young two kids 13 years later he walks out for another woman. I picked my self up filed for divorce moved on. I loved him with my whole heart and soul. I know now he was not worth it at all. I have two beautiful kids and thats all I’m thankful for. These men are lovers of themselves having no natural affection. The funny part is that I look great I feel great
and I dont miss him anymore i moved on. The divorce is still on going as far as the financial part of it , he is still mean to me for no reason. He wont try to come to any agreement he wants things his way or no way. He is unhappy still living with his whore after two years, his mom says he is depressed. The weird thing is that he still tries to tell me what to do , tries to come into my home,. Why does he have that Jackle and Hyde persona what is up with that ?
He was not like that at all he has gone mad ! I stay away from him I went out and got a life , i dont bother him or try to stalk him or her... like I said I moved on. I have friends I go out with and have great time with. I have been able to do things that I was not able to enjoy being with him. I’m finding me !!! This divorce has been the best thing ever. The only downer is dealing with him when I have to deal with his psycho ass ! Why do they get crazy especially when they wanted the divorce ! I gave him what he wanted what the hell !!!
written by Just*Me, 21 January, 2010
My situ is exactly the same, was with my ex 16 years, we split because he became abusive, turns out was because of an affair, he won’t let me move on but the affair continues, Thank God I’m now only a few weeks away from the divorce being final, it’s taken 2 1/2 years. I talked to my brother about why he still says he loves me wants me back yet continues his affair blah blah and my brother told me this which makes sense, hope it helps; "No matter what front he puts up blaming you and telling lies about you, he knows that what he did to you and those children was despicable and it’s eating him up inside"

I may add that I lost everything through it, home, car etc, he now has a serious heart problem, I’m thinking he’s reaping what sowed. God bless x
written by a l l, 25 January, 2010
ive bin feeling really down and out and reading these has made me feel a bit better,i dont get it u give them everything? they cheat on u!!! and then they keep torturing u ,when they know it was them!!!! il never understand??
written by Stitchy, 28 January, 2010
all, I’m glad this has helped you. It really does help me to read these blogs. To know that others are going through the same thing I am, helps me to know I am not crazy. Just me, I like your brother’s advice, and 1Happy girl, I swear, I thought I was reading my own entry when I read yours!!!
written by strong, 02 February, 2010
i confronted my husband about being a manipulator is there hope from anyone that a person like this can change. Im in a huge debate with my self and strength. I feel he will destroy my children s self-esteem when they are older. He cheated and lied and more. I knew his history and never took it into consideration. The question is should i stick to this marriage counseling and play his game. Will he realize he is a manipulator and if he doesn’t make effort he will leave negative impact on his children and him self. Trying to stay strong. Have to give it a try....or i will never know.
written by j saddler, 09 February, 2010
Been there done that! All I can say is your children will never be the same!
written by Moving forward..., 22 February, 2010
My story is the same...narcissist/self-absorbed soon to be ex-husband....started seeking greener pastures when my daughter was 6 months old. She’s 2 now and fabulously unfettered by what’s happening between ex and me for the following reason. It’s not about me being kind or mean (which many associate with weak or strong)’s about having clearly defined boundaries with him that I have to manage 24/7. As long as he is respectful, I am cordial (almost businesslike). The instant he shifts to the spiteful personality, I tell him the boundary he is crossing (i.e. "I am hanging up the phone now. When you can be respectful, we will continue the conversation." or "I am leaving now – or you are leaving now – when you have control over your emotions, we’ll continue dialogue."

For me, my two most favorite words (which brought back my sanity) are boundaries and consequences. Boundaries for how I expect to be treated, and consequences for not treating me in that fashion. Obviously, I don’t have to be like that with everyone in my life – just those who have difficulty respecting boundaries.

My hope is that it will teach my daughter how to teach people to treat her...if that makes sense.

My other big revelation that has helped me with "closure" is reminding myself to take the high road. I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes – like several others have said – I am so angry at him and disappointed that my dreams have been shattered, etc. – that I want him to hurt as badly as I/and all of you have been hurt. I’ve learned this: If I always take the high road (act in a way that I can be proud of) I’ll never end up in the gutter!!! It’s tough, I have earned my PhD, written two best-selling books, and I’m filing for divorce, filing for bankruptcy, and turning 40!!!!!!!!!

It’s going to be okay – how, I don’t know yet – but I’m doing the right thing for me and for my daughter and both of our futures. All the other stuff....with "him" HIS stuff. I’m not responsible for it anymore – just me and the little one...and the dogs, and the horse...and everything else!!
written by betrayed over and over, 25 February, 2010
My story is the same as everyone else. No matter what people say or do, the pain of cheating and betrayal is at times unbearable. It’s interesting of how every situation is all the same. The cheater is blaming the spouse of being pycho or the one that is the problem. They’re actually talking about themselves. If you have one finger pointing, you have 4 pointing back. With me the husband is a lawyer so manipulation is part of his nature, sadly. The jokes about lawyers being that way is actually true. He can convince people into believing something that is not there will be there or to say this is blue but its actually red. Scary but true. That’s how he convinced everyone (in his family) to believe that his affair is okay because she, the ho, is a supportive good person because she helped out the family. Really, her only motive is to have him and take all the materialistic things that we had established. She is divorce and a grandma (pervert old lady-he younger than him), so what makes her think this one will last with him. Once a cheater will always be a cheater, he said it himself before but at the time it was about someone else. They are just sick they need the help because there is something wrong with them
written by Already Gone, 23 March, 2010
Ladies, there is hope... my ex-husband of 9 yrs out of the blue became verbally abusive and told me he didn’t love me. I was repetitively left alone with my 6 month old and 2 yr old children and lied to when he denied an affair. I was also told i would find a "doctor" at the hospital where i work and be fine. Well after filing for divorce I did meet someone who is the best gift ever, He loves my children and yes he is a "doctor". My ex spouse and I get along now, and he is miserable and his life is falling apart one piece at a time! I believe my happiness is the sweetest revenge for the hell he put me through.
written by So sad Wanda, 03 May, 2010
I am in the same situation, my ex husband left me for someone else. 20 years is such a long time to just turn the other way. I am in sooo much pain. He is now living with her and her 2 kids and my son too. I am so devastated, I cry and cry. I just hope that he will realize how good I was to him. And if he does, I hope that’s when I have let go and moved on with my life. But right now I am very numb and so sad, cause my son is there too. I cannot wait to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
written by Getting on with life!, 11 May, 2010
I didn’t realize my husband was married to all of you, too. I thought I was just his second wife. LOL. Each one of you have described either all or at least a portion of my relationship with my husband. It’s difficult living through it and difficult when it ends because that’s all you’ve known for many years, but it gets better as the days, weeks, and months pass. LIFE IS GOOD! Go out and make the best of it. Don’t let him control and manipulate any more of your life. I whole heartedly agree with "Already Gone". Your happiness is the sweetest revenge.
written by happy again, 27 May, 2010
I am still going through a divorce from a verbally abusive, manipulative man for almost 4 years now in New York State. He lies to my sons (I have two sons 21 and 1 about me. He tries to turn them against me. But hasn’t because he is never there for his sons and I am and they believe in me and see his ways and how his behavior is totally bizarre. My sons even told the judge on my case how they want to live with me not him. They see his ways. Children and young adults are very perceptive to these things even though you think they aren’t. He is very manipulative, verbally & emotionally abusive and I consider him a very good con artist. Husband came to me about 6 years ago that his business wasn’t doing well and that he needed to refinance the house to help his business stay afloat. I believed him and refinanced to help us keep the business and our home, but it turned out that he was plotting to con me out of my half of the house and now that I am divorcing him, after many years of him threatening to divorce me, I have discovered through forensic reports and documents that have been court ordered from the court that husband has been hiding money, not paying payroll taxes to where the IRS is even after him to pay back taxes and have at times frozen his accounts. I have taken the initiative and am in the middle of a divorce battle. He has even tried to con the judge into thinking he has no money. But yet takes expensive cruises, vacations etc with one girlfriend after another but lies to the judge and says he doesn’t have any thing. The guy is messed up but can be a really good con artist. Six months after I filed for divorce he suffered a bad heart attack and has been having to deal with the affects of that. Funny how life has a way of coming full circle to an abuser. Ladies if you are in an abusive relationship use all your resources that are available to you (family, friends, support groups etc). Go out and get yourself on your feet again if you have given up your job etc for the bum. Independence is key to surviving an abusive relationship and with the help of family and friends and some strength in taking that step you will see that you will be much happier and glad you did. Good Luck to all in this endeavor but it is well worth knowing that you will not have to endure the abuse and manipulative ways again and can live your life without fear.
written by justlikeme, 05 June, 2010
Just hearing what all of you ladies went through makes me feel that I am not alone. My ex-husband and I were married for nearly 13 yrs. We separated at the end of 2008-it was mutual, yet I begged him to go to counseling for years and even while we were separated. He even moved me out and though I was crying and telling him I want to stay, he told me that "we just need some time apart". We saw each other all during the separation. Spending weekends together (we have a small child), I constantly asked him all the time what was going on, etc. Finally, he told me it was his "goal" to work things out. I was so happy that he had told me this. Yet, here was the start of the end-he was saying one thing, but doing another.

He began to be verbally abusive and he was so mean to me, I didn’t understand it. He left our child alone in the house while he was passed out on the bed. He was going out to bars. He would follow me around our house to make sure I wouldn’t check the computer for emails, etc. He told me had lots of "female friends" and not to be jealous, yet he would sleep with his cell phone attached to his shorts. I kept asking him if it was over or if he was seeing someone to please tell me-he kept assuring me it was his "goal" to work things out, blah blah blah.

Finally, Halloween weekend 2009 was so horrible. He spoke to me maybe 10 words all weekend. A short time later I confronted him and basically forced him to tell me what was going on. You know what he said? "I don’t love you like a wife and haven’t loved you since our child was born"..."Life is too short to be this miserable"..."I want a divorce because we don’t like the same kind of music"..."I am done with you" He didn’t even have the guts to end it-I had make him tell me.

I did my own little background investigation, and the girl I suspected was the one he was seeing. I found pictures of her and him together. Yes, my UPS driver husband was cheating on me with a girl 11 yrs. younger than him who already has 2 kids and is divorced. She knew he was married and seeing me. She didn’t care. He didn’t care. I found out through obtaining phone records (all utilities were in my name) that he had been talking to her for months-I mean sometimes it was 8 times a day-and this doesn’t even include cell phone, texts, emails, etc. The worst was that he allowed this slut to sleep overnight in our house with our child there just a few weeks after I was there all weekend. My shampoo was upstairs, my clothes, etc. all there. We were still married, she is spending the night, and my husband says "her car broke down". He denied having a girlfriend forever. Then I found out on Facebook she says she is in a relationship with MY HUSBAND!! Had his picture there, pictures of her and him at our house, you wouldn’t believe it. That is how I finally found out. I feel so cheap, used, and violated. I feel so absolutely disgusting; I wish I had better judgment. I trusted him so much-I have known him for 17 yrs.

Anyhow I have been divorced for the past 2 months. We are still in dispute over some of the mediation and property issues. He is SO mean to me-it has gotten so bad that I cannot even talk to him on the phone. He wants to make everything into an argument on purpose. He is not even civil with me, even though this is what he wants. He is still with the slut, and I put $ on it that they will be married (or she will be pregnant) by the end of the year. I can’t stand that she is around our child.

Anyhow, I also so desperately want closure. I think of all the times I literally begged him to work things out. Little did I know he was already with someone else. I thought I knew his character, but I didn’t know him at all. I have been told by professionals that he is passive-aggressive, and he is very superficial. I never saw it, but looking back, there were definite signs.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It hurts so bad that someone you were faithful and honest with could hurt you so bad with absolutely NO remorse. I used to cry to him and say "as the mother of your child, as a human being, don’t I deserve to be treated with respect?" and I would get no response. It feels like being punched in the back from someone sneaking up behind.
written by unknown, 06 June, 2010
I typed in "husband abuse husband having affair marriage bankruptcy" and came across this site.

My thoughts were that "I know that I am not the only one out there" "what can I do?"

So I Google’d it!

I have been with my husband for 20 years last month. Married for 13 out of the 20.

Anyhow, when we first got together he did coke and was abusive and then he straightened up and got off the stuff and just drank beer.

After 3 years of him not doing drugs, we got married.. I had 2 children from a previous (stupid-young marriage) and we had a daughter that was around 2.

He was a really good father.

Life was good. We were living the "American Dream".

His mom passed away in 2000 and he started blaming the world and everyone in it and stopped going to Church. Got abusive, change, got abusive again, changed back, abusive... on and on

He even taught our daughters how to manipulate and hate mom. "Worse mom in the world" "She doesn’t make enough money"

Even though I sacrificed everything to help our children along the way. I was not planning on my dignity to be included in the sacrifice either.

Anyhow, fast forward to today..

Hubby had a few problems with his back and had a stroke a few years ago (noticed that heart problems were indicated on the site).

Doctors start issuing all sorts of narcotic pain medications. Hydracordone, Lora tab, Oxycontin, etc.

We go back to the above scenario.

I am an independent contractor/worker that does office admin, internet marketing and advertising and get paid anywhere from $15-40 an hour. Not a lot, but enough to have a decent monthly income.

Anyhow, he can’t even pay a lousy $1,500 mortgage bill and he makes over $40K a year. So, I am suppose to pay that as well??? He seems to want to live free and die hard!

Literally, last night I asked him where all his money is going, he says "the kids".

I ask the kids and they tell me that "I work 50 hours a week" and "I have two jobs" because they don’t want to ask dad for money. (They are just as afraid of him)

So my question was "where is the money going?"

He couldn’t answer and decided to pop me in the temple because that was easier.

The police remove him from the house for the night and he comes back in the morning and tells me that he stayed with his girl friend last night and it has been going on for 2 years.


When we got married, we made an agreement- that if he ever slept with someone else (or I) to at least tell about it and we can go do what we need to do.

He didn’t even tell me until I called the cops on him for hitting me.

The reason why?

We are trying to sell our house and I spent almost 2 months of fixing, repairing and painting the house so we could move to our next goal. HE USED ME! Who else was going to do all that work? I lost a lot of money because I was working on the house and not my job.

In my opinion, these guys are type of guys and in realty- they can’t even like or love who they are.

If you can’t like or love yourself- my question to you is.. How can you like or love someone else and pay it forward?

So, now I am the devastated "wife" that never had a clue because I didn’t see how it could have happened.

Now, I took a drive for 3 hours today to try and clear my head and I came to the following conclusion..

We have sex every 4-6 months, he "lost" his wedding band 2 months ago while cleaning up the yard, and we had a friend offering us a free vacation on the Cape to get away from it all and he didn’t want to go.

Just so you know..

We have been going to the Cape for 20 years.

Last question? Why would you not want to go?

Answer: Infidelity!

These are all clues that I should have paid attention to and didn’t even realize. I hope this will help some of you out there that are wondering "what is going on?"

And, I do understand how this pain (other than death) is one of the worst emotions that we will ever have to experience in our lifetime. In reflection to death- it is an experience of an end to a relationship.

written by ---------, 01 July, 2010
Wow, I am thrilled to have found this site! The stories on here are all so similar and mine is absolutely no different. I am having a very difficult time of letting go of the idea of what I thought I had. There are days when I think it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. Those days are the most difficult. When you are given lies, when you are faced with’s so difficult to see the reality of the situation. On the day my ex and I separated, he moved into her home. After 2 years, he still calls to say I love you, I don’t know what I’m doing, I’d do anything for you...and then he never does anything about it. For awhile I would allow myself to actually believe that after telling me those lovely manipulative words that he would actually change. Not anymore. I’m trying to learn not to be emotionally invested in that anymore. Encouraging communication through text and email only also helps. If it weren’t for our children I’d never have to speak to him at all. Having to communicate makes it hard to always keep boundaries. I’m not perfect and occasionally listen longer than I should. But at least now I can recognize the manipulation and see it as that. Thanks for sharing your stories. All of you have helped me feel not so alone!
written by ***, 11 July, 2010
Same story. Married young. Had children young. He became unhappy after I encouraged and helped him to get a college degree after 19 years. Yes, the other woman was a co-worker whom he claims was just friends. Now years later, we are divorced. He is remarried to the "just friend" with two children. He hadn’t been involved in our children lives but has decided it is time. My children have welcome him with open arms. I know this says a lot about the kind of mother and woman that I am to have raised children like this, but I feel betrayed by my own. Okay, I wish he would crawl back into the hole where he can from for the past 10 years!!!!
written by Kiwi Angie, 15 July, 2010
Hello ladies so so common I cannot believe it. Same story; with him for 23 years married for 17, two great children. Everyone (including me) thought we had the perfect life; he was my soul mate.

But one day just after his 40th birthday, he became emotionally detached to me and unbeknown to me, he somehow decided grass might be greener if he were with my best friend (mid life crisis? probably).

I was devastated and just wanted to die. He moved out for a week but then a took him back. He then proceeded to yo-yo between his family and her and after about a year, I couldn’t take it any more, so had to leave.

Now 2.5 years later, he is still with her and tells me he is happy but also feels sad about what he’s had to give up to be with her. I’ve been with the really nice guy for about 2 years who I have leaned on heavily during this time and who loves me and treats me like a princess.

So I guess I am lucky to have found someone like that – however the separation from my husband still hurts like crazy and just this week she has opened up a Facebook page and posted photos of MY husband, MY daughter with her and her 2 daughters... and I gotta tell ya, that absolutely gutted me and I kept waking up last night and seeing it.

So do you ever really really get over the betrayal of losing your gorgeous husband to someone else?... well for me, I’m beginning to seriously doubt it.
written by stuck in wisconsin, 24 July, 2010
Same song...married 28 years 3 kids, 3 cats. My ex spent 18 years living a double life with his secretary or the HO as we call her. he worked in Atlanta during the week for the last 8 years and bought the HO a awesome and expensive townhouse, lived there with her during the week and then came home to his fake happy family on the weekends. got caught by my accessing his phone records and figuring out he spent time with her at our second house. has shoved her in my face and my kids face over the years. Brought her to our houses, had her go shopping with us, she has been to my kids basketball games...and the whole time she was having sex with my husband. He said she was just a friend, not attracted to her, loved me. found her clothes all over my bedroom in our vacation home on new years and threw all of it, suade boots, purse, clothes and luggage in the swimming pool. Gosh it felt really good. he acted like he didn’t care, had no feelings for me and just moved on. now that i no longer want to be married to him and am not, he is sorry and feels bad. wants to take care of me and the kids as his MO in make up for how he treated me and destroyed our family. Has paid for everything and says he will continue to do that until the day he dies.
Hope he doesn’t think i will take him back not happening. my girls think he is disgusting and embarrassing and my son things its no big deal and just thinks he is a great guy. i say its what you teach them that counts and he taught them nothing. will he continue to be nice or does he just want something...i will leave the state when our youngest is out of high school next year.... other women have ex husbands that don’t want to give them money and hate them. mine wants to talk to me and give me money. whats up with that
written by too much drama, 02 August, 2010
written by yes, i too married a psycho!!!, 21 August, 2010
well, my ex-psycho husband is harassing me for the million and tenth time tonight...i was at a loss on how to keep him from upsetting me...he also uses my 7 year old son to try and manipulate me, tries to brainwash him when he sees him..blamed me for the divorce (even though he was having an affair with a co worker who he married months after our divorce was final!) anyway, just wanted to say that reading these other stories made me feel better and not alone!! good luck, ladies..tomorrow is another day (:
written by vl, 27 August, 2010
Wow – I had really begin to believe I was really this horrible person, and each of you have a little of my story. My husband walked out 2 1/2 years ago – they day before my 40th birthday as he had met someone else. We had been married 21 1/2 years at the time. Didn’t keep in touch with our to daughters, one in high school & the other in college. Now they don’t want him in their lives. In February of this year he called me needing a place to stay as they were having problems. So since February I have had him at my house on & off. We have divorced since then, but I can’t let go. He thinks I should feel sorry for this other woman as he says she has problems & is sick. Her problem is they do drugs together & how do you have any compassion for the woman that new he was married & broke up his family. I pray that I can find closure & go on with my life. It just makes me feel good to know – maybe it really wasn’t all me.
written by An ex-husband...., 02 September, 2010
Have any of you ever thought....He did it because you stopped being there for him? It goes both ways.

written by an ex-wife, 13 September, 2010
I understand that everyone here is hurt, betrayed, angry, devastated...but...has anyone considered that it takes two to make a relationship work? If you really want to move on and feel better, you have to see your own part in what contributed to the end of your marriage too, not just what HE did or did not do. If you feel you did everything possible, then let go of the hatred. Infidelity is a difficult thing to overcome, but it is often a symptom of a troubled marriage, not the cause. Was it really the first indication that something was wrong? I’m sure my comment has angered many reading it, but I say it because it is to easy to stay in the bitter holding pattern you are in. Some of you are stuck in the angry part of the grief process; you will never find happiness if you stay angry and bitter.
written by lost soul calling, 30 September, 2010
What is wrong with these men? They are Godless! And their numbers are can I ever trust again. And now my narcissistic and abusive ex husband is suspected of touching our little girl inappropriately. Total lying filthy pig! I feel dead inside and waiting for the rest to catch up. This wicked world...definitely needs some changes...Please GOD, take over...please
written by injured1too, 03 October, 2010
I have had a rotten experience not unlike most of those here... and can really empathize. On top of having an affair, my stbx wanted an "open marriage" (read: have his cake and eat it too, as in, share him with the OW), which I said "NO" to (gag!!!), and after I tried desperately to save our marriage with counseling (he said "NO" to that after only a couple of sessions – he told the counselor that I had the problems, not him!), he left me, while I was sick (with a cold and other chronic health issues) to raise our daughter of 4 years old after 7+ years of marriage. We have been separated for 3 years, have just started "mediation", because I have been through HELL dealing with all this. And it’s not over yet. I won’t go into detail here... it’s way too much. Each of our situations are similar – yet there are differences too. People who decide to cross the line, who don’t know where the boundaries are... I understand that it can just "happen", but PLEASE, PLEASE!!! The PAIN involved is just too great to take that path. It destroys too many peoples lives. The spouses, the children, the families, the grandparents, all the relatives... Why does it keep happening??? I had decided before I got married to get my "wild oats" sown so I wouldn’t have the "need" to have affairs. So far, for me, it has worked. But for my stbx? It didn’t. Because he was my first marriage, I was his third (and I had hoped, final). I mistakenly thought he had learned from his prior mistakes. But no. And all I learned from this was that I was "Gaslighted" by a narcissistic boor. All he is concerned with is his own enjoyment. Leaving me in broke and in pain, (literally and truly!) and his daughter confused and unhappy. And to those who say "surely it takes two to make a relationship work"..."take responsibility for your part"...etc. I did – I tried – I was in counseling way before he left, just for myself, because he made me feel like I was crazy!!! And I came to find out, that I wasn’t crazy, that my suspicions were accurate, that I was right, that he WAS having an affair, that he WAS being duplicitous!! And, I WAS NOT CRAZY. But I’ll tell you... so many times I have had to hold myself back from becoming crazy and doing serious physical harm to him. Because I can. But having learned in Tae Kwon Do many years ago, to only use it in defense, not offense, I have not. And will not. Unless I have to – and only in defense.
I am moving forward... slowly but surely. Thank God. I have embraced a more positive way of being... of thinking... but only recently, since the pain of this experience has been so devastating. Mind you I have not gone into serious detail. To each his own. Best wishes to all of you who have gone through a similar trial. Love to all.
written by bdl, 16 November, 2010
Yes, both may contribute to the problems in a marriage, but if one wants out that bad, they should leave before they decide to have an affair. Their affairs not only affect the ones involved but what about the children they get hurt also.
written by oldschool, 02 December, 2010
I realize that we all have had some kind of crap dished out to us in some form or another. I was married to "ron" for 10 yrs; and when we moved into a house; the neighbor seemed to always be in our business. As the time passed found out he was getting high with the neighbor’s daughter whom I will say isn’t the kind of person most of us would trust as far as we could hear her voice. Her and her mom would constantly cause friction between us. Eventually divorce happened. Now here’s the twist in it all. He got the divorce behind my back; I wasn’t aware of it, seeing we were still living together. The courts ruled in his favor since I didn’t show up. How could I when I wasn’t aware of the date. I moved away for a year, and during that year he would call me and even came up north to see me. He finally talked me into moving back to AZ and sent me an engagement ring with a note asking me to marry him again; that no one would interfere in our business etc... things were fine for the first year; but when I lost my house up north, that same day his sister called me up and demanded me to get out of his house; He told me not to listen to her that I wasn’t going anywhere. then a few months later; she came into town and had me thrown out. He said just let it slide and not to get upset about it; that it would just be for a couple months till things blew over; Well a couple months turned into almost a year, and then he was hit by a truck; broke leg couple spots. He called me to help him that his daughter wasn’t taking care of him and he was starving. So of course I went over and started taking care of him for about 3 months; then I had 4 days off from work and we made plans to go on a ride together; that friday night he was at friends house around the corner and told me come get the house keys that he’d be home in 1/2 hour. I waited all friday night and sat his bike was gone; then sunday his truck was gone and he still wasn’t answering his phone. I went to his friends house and was told he went on a bike run with this girl. I didn’t see him for a week and still had his house keys; When I finally got a hold of him at his home; he wouldn’t answer the door; then after 10 min he came out handed me 20.00 and said here you’ll need this. and proceeded to walk past me to a cop car that just pulled up. I was served with a order of protection from him; It’s been around 9 months and Just two weeks ago he was suppose to give me my things that were still there that he always said I could get any time. All I got was some junk and nothing that was on my list of things there. He refuses to talk to me; and I guess I just want some kind of closer to it all. The why’s etc.. I just don’t understand why he would go thru all that he did to get me to come back and then just out of the blue have me thrown out w/o any reason or just cause and hide from me to avoid talking. Yes I’m angry; he cost me a beautiful home in Montana on 1 1/2 acres and now I’m living in a garage that i rent from a co-worker. To me he is the BIGGEST COWARD of a Marine I’ve ever met.

thanks for letting me do some venting about this. May we all get past the hurt and why’s and find someone deserving of our hearts and souls.
written by Dattery, 05 December, 2010
My husband of 10 years was screwing the 19 year old receptionist that he worked with after I just gave birth to his child. She knew he was married and was more than happy to break up a family unit. While he was in full affair, he treated me like crap and told me that we had "Problems" in our marriage that didn’t exist. The problem with this man is that he is incredibly stupid and I am not. He said all the things that they all say "I love you but I am not in love with you" "She was just a fling" blah blah blah.

I was so revolted that he did this to me and his son, I got his clothes out of the wardrobe threw them out and filed for divorced. He tried to take my money, and everything he could to take me down, the mother of his newborn baby that he abandoned to roll in the hay with for now.

These men are incredibly immature and childish. They have mental disorders and never think they do anything wrong which means they are doomed! He still to this day, gets his junkie uneducated whore to arrest me and slap restraining orders on me while I am busy making a life for myself and raising our child. I have a new life and a new man and he can go jump off the bridge for all I care about.

The way he has turned his family against me, treated me, disrespected me is revolting and he will have to live with that for the rest of his stupid life, not me.

written by An ex wife, 16 December, 2010
I am recently an ex wife! The way I see it is that my ex could only feel on top of his game if he was considered wonderful and fantastic in every aspect of his life!! He didn’t like to be seen as less than that... and even though i never readdressed mistakes he made(small in earlier years.... massive by the end) I think he truly couldn’t handle the fact I knew him...even the bits he didn’t like himself!! He looked for new less experienced people who could truly believe him to be wonderful!!! The problems with me was excusing and always trying to understand the point of taking on blame for his behaviors (the only way I felt i could change the situation) probably went on too long. His problem was to think that he is so important that I could/would not survive without him... he still tries (no job, no money maintenance for children, one pair of shoes for our son in 18 months (we have a daughter too-for some reason she should be bare foot!!comments.. reminiscing with kids etc etc..).. he does however send the children postcards from round the world from his holidays!!! (which are gifts from his lovely girlfriend...and he has no control/option over going!!)... he still loves me and wants us to be a family. rar rar rar. Such a confused person doesn’t know how to love... and I know I would rather be a struggling single mother whose children can feel loved consistently and unconditionally....and I also see I can’t make him be a better person... but I know I deserve to be loved by someone capable of loving! and until/if that ever happens need to do the things I love and be confident and happy in myself D xxx
written by kea, 20 January, 2011
all of this happened to me in a matter of a year. He was wonderful.. said all the right things then we lived together and the words and the actions started to separate. the lies, the vagueness, the it’s in your head, the lack of respect and cheating happened. I do believe that getting to know men too much and being too close will always be disappointing because in the end they are only acting out what they think we want to appear good. They never make the sacrifices required to actually develop a real character. Life is too easy for them. You get mad at them for something totally justified and they step outside and find someone who will think differently...even momentarily. Women too are at fault in general because we give our love to easy no matter what..if we’re the married one or the home-wrecker..basically everyone involved somehow has self esteem issues. I felt strong to leave in the end i cost that freak more than he cost me..but i was lucky to find out so fast and be brave to say " once a cheater..always a cheater" to be honest im 27 and will remain single forever more.. I think guys like too many women..who can blame them..we’re all beautiful.. But a real men has self control and is honest and is a

Take care sister.. forget your heart and use your head!!! xoxoxo
written by Jaded2, 01 March, 2011
I didn’t get married until my mid-30’s. I didn’t think I could ever truly trust a man. Then I fell in love with someone who had been a great friend for over 5 years. He wanted to move back to his small hometown because we could afford a house there. I gave up a GREAT job, my friends... everything... to do that. When our youngest was in kindergarten I went to work part-time. He never helped with anything – never lifted a finger to help around the house, and considered having to spend an hour with his kids while I went to the grocery store "babysitting". Fast forward, he got his 50 year-old head turned by a 22 year old drama queen at work. When I caught him, he started with the ‘she’s just a friend’ crap. I kept catching him in lies. He would say "Please don’t give up on me. I’m just messed up right now. You are a saint for putting up with me." He kept telling me he loved me and begging for time to ‘work this out’. So I stood by him and even though it was like a knife in my heart, I tried to give him the time to work it out. Then one day she told him she loved him. Boom – he left. Then the story changed... he’d been miserable for 15 years, he says. She was his ‘angel sent from heaven’. ‘No one had ever made him feel that way’. Well, once he left me she dumped him, of course. Then things got really bad. He set me up in so many ways, turned his whole family against me with his lies. He keeps telling our children they have no idea what a horrible person I am. We’ve been separated three years, divorced for one. I had to give up my dream home. He continues to make my life hell, even though we don’t even speak. I don’t think I will ever get over being so horribly betrayed by the man I loved and trusted and devoted so many years to. I wish I could say I find solace in knowing I’m not alone, but all these stories just make me even more convinced that most men are lying, cheating asses. I am emotionally drained and I don’t think I will ever be whole again. I do believe there ARE some decent men out there, but my ex took everything I had and there is nothing left. People see me as a strong, intelligent, capable woman. But the truth is I cry myself to sleep often, and feel so worthless. He’s got a new girlfriend and takes her on lovely trips, living a wonderful life. He hardly ever calls our children. He’s too busy playing ‘daddy’ to her three kids. The times he took me out during our marriage, I can count on one hand – and have fingers left over. I hate him so much. And I will probably forever mourn what SHOULD have been. I just wish I could let go of all this hurt and anger. Counseling really didn’t help. Thanks for letting me vent.
written by Jaded2, 01 March, 2011
One more thing.. I had worked and supported myself since I was 15 years old, but gave up my career at his request. When he left, he said "Raising kids, doing housework, and only working part-time is not WORK. You’ve had a free ride for 15 years and you’ll find out what it’s like to have to work for a living."

Big talk from someone who never lifted a finger to help with anything. Oh, and when we talked about divorce, he said "Can YOU do it? I don’t know who to call." Typical – since I did everything throughout out entire marriage. When he was served with the papers I got a phonecall: "F** you, you b***. How dare you blindside me like that?"

A real gem, huh?
written by stand tall or at least trying, 28 April, 2011
I have been separated for 1 1/2 yrs and still sometimes feel like someone punched me in the stomach. My ex’s business failed, he felt less of a man, had an affair, tried to work through that and then he met someone else who had $$ signs and moved in with her – he has been out of that place and now living with another woman for 9 months. Totally threw me and my son (not to mention my son and he were best friends for 18 yrs) away and never looked back – I thought I was so in love with him and it still hurts but I read so much about personality disorders and boy does he have one. I never realized how brainwashed I was and still feel sometimes thinking about what we had. We built nothing into a beautiful life and he ripped it right out from us and still acts as if he is in the right...I am learning not to communicate with him and that has helped mostly but after 25 yrs with him it is hard to just wash it all out of my mind what we had (had is the word I know). I wonder if any of it was real. He was a smooth talker for sure and still is and that is why I don’t want to talk to him any longer – He plays head games when he is allowed to communicate with me – as recent as 6 wks ago he asked to come and live in my townhouse that I rent now because I lost everything I ever worked for but I can rebuild the material stuff – he told me he didn’t love the person he lives with and wanted to be close to his son again and rebuild his business and see where our relationship could go – well the night before he was moving back he got a DUI and blamed it all on me when I wasn’t even with him (2nd DUI in 2 yrs so alcohol obviously is a problem but not if you ask him) – He came from a very abusive childhood – father was an alcoholic and I do believe he is also. Anyway, after 6 wks ago I really have done everything to cut him off – he is truly sick mentally – he is a good looking smooth talker and that is what I realize now and everything that comes out of his mouth is an untruth. I never thought at 50 I would be in this position for sure but I am and I am trying so hard to move forward. Thank God I have my career or my son and I would be I don’t know where... Scary stuff for sure but I am learning I can do it and have lived in my own place now for 13 months. Thanks for listening!!
written by Mommy, 29 April, 2011
Does the hurt ever go away? Some days I think I’m doing very well and then out of the blue one day I’m hurt and angry and just wish he and his whore would make each other so miserable that their new marriage would fail. My story was so similar to these others. The kids and I were left for his old girlfriend after 10 years of marriage. I thought, no I knew, we were best friends, but once he reconnected with her on Facebook, no one else in the world mattered. I just dream of the day that dream is over.
written by mals, 05 May, 2011
hey really all this is is like little something from my life..u don’t feel alone...
written by Nurse618, 13 May, 2011
Mommy, you sound exactly like me. He lied he cheated. He reconnected with his soul mate on Facebook and left me with a 4 & 5 yr old. She left her husband and they get to live happily ever after while I am for the most part responsible for our kids. I am fine for weeks at a time and then all of sudden I am miserable and feel like it happened yesterday. He is the bad guy and yet he chooses to condemn me and act like i never did anything right. I supported him and did everything for our family while he went out doing anything he wanted. HE & his soul mate are both cheaters and I hope they end up miserable. Everyone thinks I am a strong capable woman but sometimes I just want to crawl in bed and cry for a long time. I gave myself 2 weeks after he left to cry and then I was done. I don’t want to waste my time on a piece of crap like him. It doesn’t make me feel happy to see all of these sad stories, I think it vindicates me to know that I wasn’t the only one that got fooled. Looking back I can see all the selfish attributes that my love stricken blind eyes missed. Him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. It just shouldn’t have happened that way.
written by Bellapnc, 26 June, 2011
My husband left me for his best friend’s wife...The couple we shared vacations, dinners, holidays with and the like. He had been seeing her for 3 years and walked in our home one day and said he wanted out and he had been seeing Fran. I had no clue. I was blind-sided and double-betrayed.....Just a tragic situation like all the others.

Same scenario on this end as well....Sad but true!!! I too have been struggling with closure even though it’s only been nine months. The problem is that I can live without him, but I can’t understand how someone you have been with for 19+ years can leave and act like they never knew you, never loved you and never needed you, etc. I am just not made that way!!! A friend of mine made a powerful statement that I keep having to remind myself of all the time...."He (my husband) was already gone and has been gone from this relationship for a long time, that is why is it so easy for him....he has already let go, but your pain is new."

written by KarenB, 29 June, 2011
Ladies, we have all been victims to Narcissist men. They should teach us about this in school! It seems to be an epidemic. Same thing, spent 28 years in a marriage where I was sad and confused most of the time. A state of ‘Perpetual Melancholy’, I like to call it. The more we read and learn about Narcissist Personality Disorder, the more we can make sense of the years of cruelty we endured. A big hug to all of you, I do understand!

written by RMD19, 08 July, 2011
Reading all of these stories has really helped me with my anger and hurt. I have felt constantly alone through out this whole ordeal. I have reached out to friends and family who have rallied around me and my son, helped me pack my things, raised money so I could afford a deposit on an apartment, and always lent an ear. I still feel like I am in the middle of this whole situation, and I’m not sure when I will be completely out. I still have the anger, the memories of our happy life, and all of the questions. But I keep telling myself, I did everything I could, and that’s all I can do. That’s what helps me everyday. When something doesn’t go my way, I did everything I could. We don’t deserve any of this. I feel a little bit lucky because I reached out to the woman my husband was seeing because I knew he was playing her the way he was playing me. That helped me get closure, although it took a great deal of strength for me to be able to speak with her without yelling or blaming.
I guess what I’m trying to say is what everyone has said to me. You didn’t deserve any of this, there will come a time when you will truly believe that, and learn to love yourselves again. I’m on my way there, every day is a struggle but I rely on the people that truly do love me. They help me see that I am worth something.
written by sadmama26, 10 July, 2011
I have been through the same thing...What the hell, I AM going through the same thing. I finally filed for divorce after hearing him tell me the paperwork was ‘on its way’ for two months...He has found a girl on FB that he’s apparently had an affair with before and she’s the only person who’s ever cared for him...And so on. He calls me up to tell me I’ve done nothing but make him miserable for three years, he only married me because he felt sorry for me and that he’s never loved me, I never tried to keep this marriage going, as soon as I got married I stopped working, I’ve turned everyone in his family against him, etc...We have a 3yr old and a 1yr old, and he’s deployed...I’m not even angry, just really really hurt. I thought for sure he was the one...I know every marriage has its problems, but I tried so hard to serve him, to give him everything he wanted...I did get on him here lately because we hadn’t had sex in months...And I know I’ve made mistakes as well in our marriage, but I can’t believe I was as horrible as he tries to make me feel. Not considering there are other men already who seem to want to be with me. It still hurts, and at times I catch myself hoping that he does actually love her and that he comes home to find out she’s found someone else and that by the time he realizes that I really did love him, it’s too late for him.
written by IonRage, 08 August, 2011
--Have you been reading my brain waves and just HAD TO write down what I have been going through?
--Seriously tho, you just described my life! I feel exactly what you are feeling. I need the closure. I was w/ a man for 11 years, we have a 9 yr old son. He has never and prob. never will admit that he destroyed our relationship from the inside out. I have deemed him Passive Aggressive after doing TONS of reading on it and reading about women who lived w/ PA Men. He is manipulative, a compulsive liar, takes no responsibility for his actions, and everything he does wrong he twists around to make it someone else’s fault. (Recent example-- Ex blamed me for HIM being 2 hrs late to pick up son when I changed pick up time from 3pm to 6pm. (He showed up at 8pm). He got a call to pick up his daughter at the ferry, so he ignored everything else in his life and went to the ferry, sitting there for an hour, KNOWING he was to pick up his son at 6pm. I was upset he was late, then he blamed me. Yet he was the one that failed to call me and say, "Gotta pick up daughter, I’ll be late".)
--It’s everyone else’s fault his life is miserable. Now he’s got a new bimbo (who is 100lbs heavier than me! lolz) and she is as clueless as a bat w/ a ear plugs in. I’ve already found profiles he’s made on dating sites. I heard she’s extremely OCD (to a fault).. He’s basically recreated his life w/ his sister who is 10 yrs older. She is OCD too. He’s still trying to fix his childhood turmoils w/ his family in in adult relationships. And he’s gonna die trying. He’s trying to fix everyone else and not himself and he’s gonna die a lonely man.
written by rhino, 11 August, 2011
Same stuff, why don’t we see the big red truck when it comes to these kind of people? I was married 28 years to a liar, cheater, master manipulator. I have been divorced for 7 years and just recently went back to court to resolve our maintenance (alimony) agreement. He was not paying me the full amount and was in arrears. I have reached a settlement because I finally fought back. He doesn’t like it too much because he didn’t win so is punishing me by refusing to communicate with me ( we have a 26 year old daughter) and his new wife lets me know when I am going to receive my money. I actually got along with him till she entered the picture ( 2years now). Well glad she has him and not me. Stay strong, the best way out is always through.
written by MovingForward, 14 August, 2011
Reading these comments has helped. I am at the stage where I want to understand why and am trying to learn how to let go of that because I don’t think I will ever get any answers, and it won’t change anything anyway. We were together 11 1/2 years and he just told me on the 4th of July that he has been cheating for the past year and a half. He is still manipulating though. Tells me she is nothing compared to me, just a friend. The day he told me he said he wanted to go to counseling and work it out; knows in his heart that we are meant to be together, etc., but I read texts between the two of them a week and a half later and told him I was done. There is added stress since I work out of our home and haven’t moved out yet – will be in a couple of weeks – so now I feel like I have to play his game and let him think he is in control until the move is complete. It is apparently easy for him to lie and manipulate, but this is soooo hard for me. He continues to tell me he loves me and wants to be in my and my son’s life – because he really does care and is so messed up right now, or he just wants to continue to have control over me?! Trying to be strong, stay positive, and not let this define my life, but as many of you have said, I gave my whole heart to him. It is so difficult to realize that your life has been lies, and to lose the person you thought was your best friend along with all the life plans you had together. Starting over at 40 is such an overwhelming challenge!
written by unfair, 13 September, 2011
I feel for every comment on this board. I was married to my high school sweetheart..someone I had been with since I was 16. Two children later, two different houses. We worked together to get him to be a police officer and my thanks was him cheating with some slut on December 26th. She is my complete opposite. She’s the party girl...she left her child with the father so she could live the single life....she drinks..a lot....and apparently is the town bicycle both around town and at her employer.

I have come to accept the apology that came when he broke up with her the second time. They have since gotten back together and dumped each other about 5 more times.

What I have not gotten over is why her and why is she still involved in my children’s lives. I know, as well as he knows, that she will not stop cheating. She loves it and loves the feeling she gets from being wanted by all these men. One day he will truly move on – I hope. I won’t like being replaced by anyone but it is a daily insult that he is still with her.

When people ask me what she’s like, what she looks feels like a direct hit to my ego/personality/confidence. I must not be pretty enough...I must not be as good in bed...I must not be as fun....that’s the hidden message I always seem to get.

What is missing is that I am the mother who cared for our children while he partied and called them baggage. I am the person who held my head high when all I wanted to do was hide from the world. I was the one who lost my future..or the one I thought I deserved.

I do a lot to find happiness. However, I still have emptiness.

Unfortunately, I learned after our separation that I had an STD which I can only assume came from my ex husband. So while I deal with everything else, I’m doomed to this as well. Its as if I am being punished for life for something I never asked for.

Life...not so grand sometimes.
written by Up and out, 27 September, 2011
Hello everyone.

Funny thing about this doesn’t seem to matter what sex you happen to be, it’s the same ole song. For me, it is/was my wife who projected blame onto me for her affair, and let me tell ya, Hollywood couldn’t dream up some of the stuff she conjured.

Believe it or not, when she declared that she wanted a divorce, I had NO idea that she was involved in an affair with our family friend. Looking back, there were signs, but I trusted both of them in what seemed to be a garden variety friendship (as I had shared friendships with other women...within the context of appropriate relationship boundaries). As I would come to find out, their relationship grew while I was deployed to Afghanistan for 12 months and she found it ever so difficult to turn it off once I came home. After about a year I returned, I got hit with her desire to divorce, was blamed for every bad thing in our marriage over the last 17 years (she even made things up), chastised for being a ‘deadbeat dad’ (despite coaching my son’s soccer for the last 3 years), called a control freak (despite managing the $$ to give her a VERY nice home), and now deal with her inclination to discredit me in front of the children, drawing comparisons between her love and admiration for her new man and the one she tossed out.

Here’s how it was described to me by some rather insightful folks. Assuming the cheater is half-human, it takes a lot to have an affair, let alone carry one on in the dark for as long as some folks do. Also assuming the cheater was, in fact, taught the difference between right and wrong at some point in their lives, there’s guilt involved – or at least some uncomfortable feelings the cheater might not be cognizant of at the time. So it begs the question...what cures the ails of guilt and other self-defeating behavior? Quite simply...anger. Where does that anger go? Unfortunately, us...the abandoned spouses. Would they turn anger on their affair partner? No. Would they turn it on their children? No. Parents? No Siblings? No. See where I’m going? We – the betrayed spouses – are the ONLY ones who can absorb this from them. It’s unfair...yes...and sad at the same time. After all these years, and after such painful actions to sever ties, they’re still codependant on us, locked in their own niche of unhappiness that no one else wants to hear.

So there’s my take. I could go on and on about the senseless stuff my ex wife has done over the last couple of years, not only to me, but to my kids (she is fleecing my oldest son for HER auto insurance). I guess my point is that everyone is capable of this behavior and from my modestly educated estimation, has more to do with their projection of guilt and (possibly) unresolved feelings for the one left behind.
written by mummys boys, 03 October, 2011
21 years together – 9 years married – now hes gone because he couldnt work to fix the mistakes he made.

We had what i thought was a great marriage with great prospects for a wonderful future – we had so many plans. During the past year my husband was caught with a secret phone on more than one occasion. Each time i dealt with the situation to the best of my ability – truly believing it was texts and wanting to make my marriage work for the sake of my three kids. He begged pleaded and cried for another chance – even on the third occasion. On that occasion i had put him out and hw as gone for around one week but during that week he was in bits trying to get us back together (good actor it would appear).

After a lot of soul searching i decided to give things a real good do if he was able to fix the mess he had made. He promised he would and for the first 3/4 weeks things were great. After that i got a bit down about the whole situation but always brought up my negative thoughts with him trying to resolve things. a further 2 weeks down the line he decides HE CANT HANDLE IT – he cant handle the mess he made so he walks out on me after all i did to keep my marriage together. How insulting.

Now about 3 months on he has completely moved on and taken up with one of the sex text females who was also married and has split her family up. The let down and shock of the whole situation has left me devasted.

I know i will get on with a good life in time but right now i cant function properly and still cant believe this has happened to me and my family. How can men move on so quickly after such a long time is beyond me. I cannot wait til Karma catches up with him.

written by reality of the bigger picture, 05 October, 2011
Um for those who were betrayed. What was your responsibility in the relationship? Obviously there was contribution and it takes two to tango. Get therapy for god sakes.

If they cheated on you did you criticize? ridicule? nag? have toxic parents in the way? verbally abuse the offending partner without realizing it? Check up on them incessantly? have more skeletons in your closet that you made a mistake of making your partner think you were doing the affair so they made the mistake?

Look into yourself. how badly did your innerself screw up?
written by Know before you comment, 08 October, 2011
Whoa "written by reality of the bigger picture", my husband cheated on me (not the first time) because he needs constant ego stroking and while raising 3 kids, working, helping run our business and having to handle everything with our kids, our house and all book keeping I was sometimes tired! We had great sex, took great vacations together, raised 3 wonderful boys and this is my thanks?

He has serious issues, everyone sees it but him. Right now his family is working to get him into therapy, he even pulled the "I am not suicidal but I think I would be better off dead" act because of the mess he created with his affair. He is afraid of the shame of it, afraid for his friends to know,etc...

Yes we are still together but now it is up to me to let him know if I am willing to put up with him until he gets his shit together. We have been married 24 years and I am told I am stunning, a 5"11" slim athletic redhead who was offered modeling contracts years ago. So I have always maintained myself.

So his excuse??? I was not there "enough" for him, not "enough" sex, I did not feel wanted "enough".

Well guess what, if we separated and divorce it will be very ugly and I will be very verbal. Plus I am set for life and he knows it, due to a disability he has to financially support me for the rest of my life plus pay medical bills regarding the STD he shared and therapy for myself and our 3 sons. Who by the way hate what their Father has done.....
written by Over and out!, 11 October, 2011
Ive just found out after doing some research that there is a name for my exs condition, its called self centered manipulative narcissistic disorder!! We ended our terrible relationship 8 years ago and not a moment too soon. I am still waiting for closure but i think i will never get it or will have to find a way to get over the depression, anxiety issues that i have had to endure for the past 15 years. Im having counseling now for the way he has and continues to treat me even now. He always made/makes me feel like i am not worthy to exist. I am worthless, useless, weak are an example of some of the comments he has said to me. He blames everything on me and that everything is my fault. its my fault he stopped paying the mortgage and i have to pay it by myself, its my fault my son has learning difficulties, its my fault the relationship ended, he tells me im f****d in the head even now. I have listened to this for too many years, hes always late picking up our son and dropping him back. I did nothing but love this man with all of my heart, he has cheated on me twice and said it was my fault because i didnt try hard enough to please him. i forgave him and that was the worst decision i ever made in my life. I was insecure because he kept telling me that i would never find anyone on my own and that i just wouldnt cope without him, i am weak. 8 years ago we split and i have spent most of that time soul searching, depressed and trying my hardest to cope alone. He loved it and kept telling me how he is better than me and that my life would have been better if i had dealt with things. He has met someone else and brings her to the door he even sent her to pick our son up at one point. Now i have met someone finally who is everything that he wasn’t/isn’t and i feel i have been so lucky to find him. He is the opposite and has sooo much respect for me i can’t believe it and doubt myself sometimes which i know shouldnt happen, i really need closure because i cant move on until i do. I need antidepressants and therapy because of what he has put me through. I know i will never get closure from him ever. He insults me on the phone, at the door he turns his back on me. Now i dont answer the door and i send my son out to him instead. I physically shake when he calls and turn into a complete mess but try to hide it. I can be really confident and happy that day and then he rings and im left feeling like my life is a waste of time. My life is better now and i never thought it would be but its the closure i need and im not getting it. Does anyone have some really good advice please. I feel empty inside something has been taken away from me and i dont know how to get it back.
written by leppykel, 22 October, 2011
Ok. I was with my ex for 10 years. I had his 3 beautiful children and thought that I had everything i wanted. The narcissistic personality started to emerge. He’d constantly put me down and make me cry, go out partying and not come home until 6 in the morning, and he even missed his sons 1st birthday this way, as he was too wasted from drink and drugs. Behind closed doors he’d ignore me and the kids, spending hours on his computer, but as soon as anyone came round, he’d jump up and offer them tea, call me sweetheart and sit playing with his kids like he was such a wonderful fiancee and partner. I caught him trying to cheat and talking dirty on facebook after our second son was born, but it was all my fault. As id been comforting our colicky son night after night, he’d been dirty chatting with some desperado online. I threw him out and he promised he would never do it again,but 2 yrs ago, he suddenly turned very cold, said he wasnt in love with me anymore yadda yadda yadda. Turns out he’d been caught kissing his new receptionist from work and the person didnt bother to tell me. As soon as that he left me with his babies, the youngest was 7 months old. He kept coming back to sleep with me until i told her about us, she dumped him but took him back, and she gladly told me that they has been trying for a baby 6 weeks after they got together. She did fall pregnant after 8 months and they have a little girl. But its funny, shes fat, has cock eyes and cuts herself. Let them get on with it. I have met the wost wonderful kind caring man who loves my kids. He compliments me every single day and makes me feel so loved and adored. He would do anything for me and the kids and vice versa. It took me a while to trust him but i wouldn’t change what we have for the world. So many people have come forward after my ex left me to tell me he’d cheated on me so many times. His new monster even told me that herself, that while she was working with him hed cheated on me twice!! So why does she think he’ll be any different with her??? I’m so glad that she came along to take him out of my life, as its the best thing that ever happened to me!!!
written by AnnieB, 23 October, 2011
My husband has left after 35 yrs of marriage and I’m confused & don’t understand what has happened. He won’t talk about it and gets very angry, very quickly if I try & talk to him. A girlfriend has since come forward and told me that he had an affair just after we had our first baby, all those years ago. I had no idea. So I’m assuming he’s having one now & probably had others. He has turned into a Jekyll & Hyde & I can hardly recognize the person I thought was my soul mate. He doesn’t contact our grown-up children & is only concerned about himself & his health (he’s a hypochondriac). He constantly compares himself to other men his age saying how much younger he looks than them. Puhleease! He’s an alcoholic & drug user, consequently sex was on his terms, ie only mornings & with help from Viagara. Yet I was to blame for out sparse sex life. I had suggested marriage guidance but he refused though he’s since had counseling. I’ve been on my own now for 6mths & am none the wiser. I’m guessing there’s more to this & I hope I find out & that he gets his just desserts.
written by holding onto to my sanity, 03 November, 2011
Married 20 years this Dec 12th. Separated May 2009, husband came back a month later begging saying he made a mistake, etc. The kids and I were going on vacation with our friends....he wanted to go with that was a great time for the family to be together. We were in Florida and he walked off to call the whore. I went off it ruined my vacation....we came home he left again. He came back, he left, he came back, he left, he begs to come back and Thanksgiving night causes a huge fight to leave, goes to the whore, his father passes away, he keeps my name off the obituary, by Dec 30 he texts to wish me a happy b-day, he texts for New Years Eve, (unknown to me he is at the whores parents house for a party), he comes back by Jan 1, he leaves, comes back, leaves, comes back, leaves, comes back, puts a cigarette out on my chest, 2 months later I let him come back, he leaves, he comes back, he leaves, comes back, leaves, gives me the free robe from his whore perfume for Christmas, leaves, comes back, leaves, tells me she f'''ing crazy, she needs meds, there was a reason we did not get divorced, comes back, leaves, moves in with her, files for divorce, is now trying to get my 16 year old to live with them, which now my 16 year old daughter thinks they are the best ever. Him and her dress up as john travolta and olivia newton john from grease, a song we always sang to each other. He refused to pay child support, lied, cheated, called me a greedy bitch because I took him to court to get child support, he doesnt do hardly anything for our 18 year old son who is in college, he left me with all the bills, I have since lost half my income, my brother in law in trying to get me in trouble with world, i suffer in pain every day and he gets to be happy....why???? he cheated, he lied, she cheated, she lied, why do they get to be happy?
written by S00ki, 14 November, 2011
Wow, this is the only place on the net I have found that describes what I have been through, and so many others too, we need a special page where can all support each other. Hugs to all of you, I am still working it, it is the hardest thing ever.
written by Grace08, 19 November, 2011
I’m sorry to hear about your bad marriage. I would caution you (and others) not to date until the children are 18 years old and have graduated from high school. The kids have lost enough and don’t need any more losses.
Do you know how many child molesters suck up to the moms to get close to the children? What you described seriously concerned me:
"I have met the wost wonderful kind caring man who loves my kids. He compliments me every single day and makes me feel so loved and adored. He would do anything for me and the kids and vice versa. It took me a while to trust him but i wouldn’t change what we have for the world."
written by RF, 19 November, 2011
Random memories entered my head as I went about doing things today. Within two seconds I tell my self know. Indulge that sort of memory and you suffer hours of depression as a result.

A line from madonna’s ray of light, you were my lesson I had to learn I was your fortress you had to burn.

I remember him telling me how his first love didn’t want ppl to know he was with her so he flirted with others and she got mad. He remembers as a boy at school being on one side of the hall, his girlfriend then whose name escapes him, was on the other and he heard she was about to dump him so he sent his mate over across the other side of the dance hall to where she was with her friends and the mate spoke to her and said he was dumping her and then he said he saw her face crumple and she burst into tears. His reaction? He thought yes! This is power!

I’m scared I’ll never feel like a woman again. I’m scared I’ll become hard and bitter and cynical. I’m scared I’ll be damaged by the memories. I think you raped me as a woman in almost every possible way. There was no love. I see it now. I was just your half way house until you found your feet after splitting with her. I feel no hope or love or tenderness. I think I hate your very existence in my and my daughters life. And I need to move on from this.
written by Raining Tears for 6 years straight, 20 November, 2011
But not anymore! The Bible describes a world-wide phenomena amongst modern man "For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, 4treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. 6For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses " Timothy 2-3 These men prey on spiritually weak woman. If women today made God their principle LOVE then He Who is Love in great Love will show them whether the new adoring man they met is actually a truly good man. Women need spiritual discernment about the most important choice in their life – the choice of a spouse.
written by Raining Tears for 6 years straight, 20 November, 2011
For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, 4treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. 6For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses," Timothy 2:3 This scripture is about the mental, emotional and spiritual condition of men during the years before the rise of the Beast – the World Dictator who will abolish religion and persecute and murder Christians – he alone will want all human worship. But we see around us the terrible, intolerable pain inflicted by godless men – men who have no God except themselves. Let us hope and pray as women our sons will not be godless men. We must teach them not to be like their fathers.
written by Pekar, 23 November, 2011
Love is bunch of emotions going up and down all the time. Special after having problems there is nothing much to understand. Sometimes relationships don’t last very long. This can turn into huge problems or mental sickness. The couple struggles hard to work things out nicely. Then often the relationship gets even worse. At the beginning of a relationship everything is wonderful and fresh. Just hearing the person’s name creates happiness. In the end every thing turns into problems. When asked, “So where do all these problems come from?” the answer inevitably is, “"Of course, it is because of the other person not me. He or she is the one who has problems and the one who created the problems."

Many times problems begin at the same time the relationship starts. From the beginning we distort the reality by our memories, fantasies, and assumptions. There are so many judgments based on our past memories. These are telling us, ‘let’s feel this way or that way’. And after that feeling we take some action and that is not realistic behavior. Another common thing that happens between two people when a relationship starts is fantasies; predicting a future that is probably never going to happen. The fantasies/predictions tremendously increase the fear and expectations deeply in our consciousness. Everyone lives their own world; whatever one person thinks may not be the other person’s viewpoint. But there are many things we don’t want to communicate to each other. Instead, we just assume. All this causes problems.

We have to give up all these superficial judgments, predictions, and assumptions. Come back to present moment of freedom. Be fully aware of the reality in front of us and manage the situation with an awareness of the present moment. When we say ‘don’t just assume, communication is important’, that doesn’t mean we should point out the hundred problems the other person has. The reference is meant to remind us not to react based on our assumptions. Training ourselves to be mindful and aware of the present moment is an effective way to maintain a relationship. It will make us peaceful and happier; and of course if we are peaceful and happy, everyone around us certainly will be happier. Not only our partner, but our whole environment will be more at peace.

Come back to the present, come back to your existence, and come back to your real life. Maintain the awareness of the present moment. Deal with the reality in front of you.
written by crynomore, 27 November, 2011
I am astounded at how many of your stories sound like mine. I got married in my thirties to what I thought was a good man. After I had our child, he started cheating on me, but always denied it. We went to multiple counselors, but he knew he had no intention of making things work. It was all for show to keep up his "nice guy" image.

We ended up divorcing after five years of marriage and before the ink was dry on the divorce papers, he had a wedding and married the other woman. He has sued for custody numerous times in an attempt to hurt me and not pay child support for out child.

He is very vindictive, manipulative, evil and calculating. He treats me with no respect and tries to manipulate our toddler child. You would think I was the one that cheated, but the bastard continues to lie and manipulate everyone in his path including his new wife who helped write up a fraudulent report to the court to try to take my child away from me. Who does that? I hope they both get whats coming to them,

Will he treat the new wife as F***** up as he treated me? He has her thinking that I was the one who cheated and abused him. Basically, everything he did to me, he lied and said I did those things to him. BASTARD
written by guysRassholes, 27 November, 2011
written by noody, 02 December, 2011
Check the narcissistic disorder known as [NPD] many of my answers were found there it is Sam Vakin has a web page about this disorder and why this disorder has many clues to explain the behavior and why it is hard to pinpoint [NPD] actually it will give you some compassion for them highly unlikely they can be cured (been there lived that).
written by babyk, 09 December, 2011
written by Dee12, 21 December, 2011
I really thought it was just me in this horrible nightmare. After 26 years of marriage and catching him cheating on me with barmaids our daughters age I have hit rock bottom. I don’t want to wake up and I don’t know how to stop crying. It has been since the end of September and my life as I knew it is over. Going thru the divorce now and hoping I can afford to get what I need from the cheating lying bastard. Four more days until Christmas and all I want to do is sleep. Counseling and anti depressants are not working. How do I get thru my head that I will survive this?
written by Almost free, 16 January, 2012
Unbelievable is all I can say. I was told after 14 years of marriage that he can’t stand the sight of me, considers himself unmarried for the last 6 years and is home 1 night a week. Denied that he had a girlfriend but then took her on holiday with him in Sept 2011, also to stay with the Mother, go figure, and in December took week holiday to live it up with the girlfriend. And they think I’m stupid, I know exactly where they were staying etc etc etc. I am just so tired of the lies, backstabbing and yes humiliation. another 34 days and he will be my ex.... will be interesting to see how their story unfold then – wonder if it will be as glamorous no that he will be available and she does not have to skulk around in her quest to break up a family unit.
written by pup, 16 January, 2012
HI Dee12...I am sorry for all your is a killer and I am not a counselor, but all I can say is that the crying and sadness will lessen even though it doesn’t feel like it ever will. My narcissistic husband left me and returned to his 3 grown children, who manipulated him so badly that he left me.... he was the love of my life and I adored him, but his kids and family did not want him happy or with me and they destroyed my marriage after only 4 almost killed me and I am serious, I literally could not stop crying...its been 9 months now and my divorce is almost done, but I try to remember every day that I am strong and I will have a life and things will be ok for me because I am a good person...I know my husbands life was destroyed by his "loving" family, but he was weak and he ruined his own life for sad for him. But, he made a choice and as my first husband told me "what a stupid thing he did" and he is right...please try and hang in there, the pain will lessen trust has for me even tho I still cry, it’s just not as often...all the best to you and your kids....

written by kasia, 17 January, 2012
I can feel your pain. I am trying to figure things out for 10 years now (10 years divorced).
Books,people have the same thing to say: if you are good and do the right things you would be happy, life will reward you, karma will do it’s thing.
It is not working for me. I am really doing all the steps to be happy BUT I still feel so depress after talking to him. He makes me feel so terrible; even though, I know and it had been proven that he is wrong, and not nice etc. Why he has a happy life after being so mean and unfair and after destroying our family.
A friend told me to do something against myself, revenge. I did: after many attempts from him, I said yes to sex with him to prove to myself and to him that he is a cheater and a lier. He claimed many times to me and others that his new wife is his love and that he is so happy etc. Well, he left her bed in the morning to come to me, he lied to her to be with me etc. I felt terrible because I became the other women, I am sorry that I did this to her. I stopped, because I lost respect for me. May be, I did it because I still love him. Why do I love him? There is no reason for it at all.
I am tired of waiting and also for trying to create happiness. Nothing is working.
written by DivorceFinalAfter3yearsof hell, 19 January, 2012
Same story her. Together since college, 19yrs but married 13 year.

All of a sudden he was distant (2009) denied the affair. Found out it lasted at least a year (still no definite answer on that one). Said he was not happy? Fast forward I ask for a divorce (2010), now hes sorry and loves me and our family, huh? So we try, here’s the kicker he tells me now he made a big mistake and shes pregnant but hes not sure its his, huh. Fast forward that’s a lie and he finally reveals 2 weeks later that the child was born and is 3 months old and he knows it his cause he went and they (him and her) had the blood test done. Fast Forward to today. I’m divorced (final October 2011) and finally free. Now he wants to reconcile, says he made a big mistake, he can change, yada yada yada.

Truth it all devastated me, and there were days when I thought I would just die. Its not quite that bad anymore but I still get sad at the waste of it all, because like most of you, I thought he was my soul mate too.

I’m divorced and sad, but not married and miserable and the two feel distinctly different. Ill take the latter any day.

He to uses the child as his way in, but I found like some have said that the best thing is to keep communication to a minimum (email and text only). When he picks up our son, I have him contact me when he is 15 minutes away and have my son ready to go when he arrives. He never enters my home. He wanted out so now he is out.

I don’t have all the details about him and her what they did and why (I was once obsessed with it). I wont ever know why because to know would me I would need to think like him and the woman he cheated with. She new about his family like so many of the whores you all mention.

My revenge will be to live well. I could never pretend perfection in a relationship but I do know that I never cheated or deceived and that my love was true.

I got the house, custody of my son, and all of our assets were split evenly. I also lost my job in the recession in 2011 so I do understand what some of you mean when you ask why all the pain for us?

Well here we are today, our final monetary assets will be divided up shortly and I plan to move forward and not look back. Each night I pray for God to keep my enemies away and let the pain they have for me be the thing that greets them when they least expect it.

He walked out in the middle of our marriage and does not deserve any more chances.

If I cry tomorrow, when I’m done Ill get up and keep putting one foot in front of the other until one day I will look back and I want be able to see them anymore. I was and I am worth more and so are you.

Thank you all for sharing your stories because they have helped me. I hope you all find peace and joy in this new year and the years to come. He closed the door on men who were not worthy so that he could open your life to new and better things.

Take care and pryers to us all.
written by Almost free, 23 January, 2012
What really gets me is Why. I have asked the ? but received no answer. It was so hard keeping my head up high after being told that he wanted a divorce but for 7 months did nothing in that regard (I have told me that he could not just divorce me cos he did not really have grounds and he wanted me to divorce him to save face with his family). I was still prepared to forgive him but clearly he is all for the divorce, not once apologized or told me this is not what he wanted. Then again he has considered himself unmarried so probably thought no paperwork was necessary. Could not sign the agreement and summons fast enough but did make sure he had some ridiculous clauses put into the agreement. He has taken the girlfriend on a roadshow, yes literally, and announced our pending divorce and introduced his girlfriend to all his friends (and mine, well ex friend too – at least I did not have to divorce them ha ha ha), and 2 sport clubs, whilst at the same time blaming me for the break-up. His family, which I have known for 26 years clearly took his side – blood is thicker than water and all that and seemingly I no longer exist to any of them. What does shock me is that his family have known me for so long and never once have I given them any reason to treat me like this, surely it must say something if he is parading his girlfriend around, going on holiday with her whilst I am left looking after the 2 children and dealing with their hurt and questions, whilst still married. I wonder if they know he is never home and hardly spends time with the children? I am still speechless concerning my mother-in-law, who knew about his girlfriend and welcomed her whilst I was still not 100% sure what was going on and trying on salvaging the marriage. With all the pain and tears, this leap year will however be fantastic because it will be much better being single and knowing I cut him out of my life and hopefully get past this humiliation than being married on paper and utterly miserable and not even wanting to go to the shop because everyone knows and is talking about this – strange how all these stories always gets back to me, not sure if it is well meaning “friends” or what but I dont want to know anything anymore, have really been trying to block myself off.
written by 3004him, 26 January, 2012
Interesting that my theory is verified somewhat through these comments. Let me explain. Men or boys are to complex to figure out as we are. They are just as messed up as we are but with a strong sex drive that becomes their thinkers and judgement caller. If we as women realize they didnt get taught how to treat a women correctly. Do you know how to be treated correctly? I do and it makes me sad to see that there are far and few candidates that can. The problem arises at birth. Did your parents teach your brothers how to treat a women and what their duties and responsibilities are? Do we know what our responsibilities are? Well its not to make us happy. They were not placed here to make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness. Funny men attract to those women like flies on poo. The only thing we can do is produce more men like they should be. I just recently witnessed my son and his first girl pal interaction. He sat her at the table and offered her a drink. I can see that my training or as men would say brainwashing is working. I trained my son to see women as a fragile item a vase that can be broken so to speak and that he must be gentle with them as well as honest for those girls that he doesnt like. We as single moms are in a position to teach our boys to be men in this way. Focus on changing them so that there are more later for others. Help change the world. One choice Once Choose wisely should be our motto. Discourage the playboy mentality while you can. These boys will turn into men who will surpass their fathers one day and make a mom proud. Meantime find yourself again and revisit and relive your dreams (Joel Osteen) When did you stop dreaming? and He will make beauty from your ashes if you let Him. Me personally I am looking forward to the angels in heaven they know God’s law and are fine!!!!!!! from what I hear. I will wait. Gods Favor on you all.
written by 3004him, 26 January, 2012
It is unwise to expect and to require a man who has never been to taught to love you like God intended it to be when we ourselves do not know what it looks like. I have gone through this ordeal myself I was treated like a illegal for employment for him and then tossed away as he never knew me for his true soulmate (12 years strong I might add). He approached me in high school and my life went to crap until our divorce. All I ever asked of God was that I could have the relationship to honor Gods true example of love through marriage didnt happen still hasnt happened I believe now I have a bigger job more important than this. He allowed me to go through this to relate to the rest for the sake to help us all heal. God takes our ashes and makes them beautiful. He knew men were going to be this way and he is allowing us the women to make up for Eve. We can do this by teaching our abandoned children to love correctly. First start with learning how to do this then teach your own. Do you want your girls to go through this or worse for your son to walk in mans footsteps. Make the change. Teach them to be honest and that a relationship is far more valuable than one night stands. teach them to love deeply and truthfully so that the cycle doesnt perpetuate itself. Yes we say this but did we actually put the action to it while are kids still listen to us? If your not teaching your kids at an early age affirmations to the opposite sex get started its never too late. Do they see that example from you to others? You dont need a husband for that just courtesy to others. ETC. I was so stuck in my pain for so long that I neglected these lessons to my child. I surely dont want another abandoning non committing and non loving man in the world. Ladies mourn but not to long make a commitment to mourn only so far then move on. Your children need your guidance. Affirmations are big so big I wish I could tell you more it would take hours here but teach your kids to affirm each other. Some of you may be saying I do this but if this was so then all these beautiful women here wouldnt be writing the same story. Where’s the successful stories of restoration. Each of you search your hearts and see if there is room for improvement. God Bless
written by when its dark enough you can c the stars, 28 January, 2012
After 14years of marriage I am now finally divorced (which took nearly 3yrs of solicitors and going to court to get my ex to disclose his financial position). My ex was mentally and emotionally controlling (which with hindsight I recognize as a form of domestic abuse) He had been having an affair with some woman behind my back (i will probably never know how long for) he just finally admitted it one morning (i have no wish to punish her for what happened cos my ex IS her punishment)... he abruptly abandoned me and our two lovely children (who were 5&7yrs old at that time) to go off on numerous holidays and a spending spree with the money he had already cleared out of our joint bank account approx £50k and several large loans he had taken out without my knowledge! he finally declared he was penniless in order that I would get nothing in any divorce financial settlement- I did in fact get nothing! He reappeared some three months after we split to state that he wanted to see his children and by the way his new girlfriend was pregnant! He started off seeing our children for a couple of hours per week, but would often let them down at the last moment by sending me a text message! After 7months of this the children were telling me they didnt want to see him anymore! He took the family car away from me,which was given to his girlfriend and the family home was repossessed. As a result the children and me were made homeless and I was forced to claim single parent benefits with no child maintenance for 3 years until he was forced to pay up in a court order (which his girlfriend now pays *sic) Just before we were evicted from the family home my ex and his girlfriend broke into the former matrimonial home and helped themselves to anything of value, taking the childrens belongings as well... shortly after this he was made to pay child maintenance by the courts (the CSA were useless) he applied to the courts for contact with our children, by which time he was expecting a second baby with his girlfriend...our children say they have no wish for any further contact with their dad and neither do I.. Its some 4 years post split, Ive moved on and met a fantastic man..the one I should have met ages ago but the time wasnt right lol...I do wonder at times if my ex is merely pursuing contact with the children via the courts because he’s genuinely missing them or if its merely to antagonize me further! (never apologized/said sorry to the kids or me) it appears he blames me for everything which leads me to believe my ex has some kind of mental disorder! What I have learned from all this is the importance of having equality in a relationship and not to trust without question.. It is possible to find happiness again and I look back at those dark days with my ex as a storm-cloud that eventually passed with a silver lining
written by Devastated But Reaching Toward Joy, 29 January, 2012
To all you dear and hurting divorced moms thinking about remarriage, please BE CAREFUL, not only for your sake but even more so for the sake of your children. Do not rush into anything! When we go through divorce we go through a bona fide grieving process and it may take years. During the grieving process our level of discernment is skewed. We may not be able to make the wisest decisions.
Take it from me. Last month I was divorced after a 13 year miserable marriage to the step-father of my three daughters. I was formerly widowed. It’s a long, sad story but after my previous husband’s long-term illness and death I was traumatized, grieving, ill, near a breakdown and overwhelmed with the responsibility of being both mom and dad to my girls and making sure their life went on as "normally" as possible. Now more than ever I needed to be strong. But I was a total mess. I felt like I might be losing my mind. I was desperately needy. I became romantically involved with a man who was a friend I’d known for years and our relationship became serious. He declared his undying love for me and seemed like such a great guy, so sweet, so attentive and so earnest. He wanted to marry me; he said he wanted nothing more than to be my husband and the best possible step-dad to the girls. He seemed like a blessing from God. We got married. I looked forward to us all bonding and growing as a family. But very early on things didn’t seem right. He seemed to be perpetually unsettled having us all living in the same house, as if he preferred to not have to deal with the presence of the kids and all things related to them. He began to constantly complain about everything and was always, every day, on their case about the most insignificant things. His only interaction with them became negative: verbal put-downs, yelling, threats, stomping around the house, slamming doors, making it clear he hated it when friends came over. I felt alone, like a single mom with 4 children because he related to them like a pissed-off sibling. They could do nothing right. And these were good girls, excellent students, role models to their peers. Soon he began to disregard their privacy, barging unannounced into their bedrooms and even into the bathroom! I confronted him about this but he continued to do it. He called them stupid, half-brains, liars, thieves, pigs, morons. One day he announced that he had filed for divorce and didn’t speak to us after that except where he had to for divorce issues. He never said sorry to me or the girls and now behaves as though we do not exist. Don’t let this happen to you!

written by WIVES DO IT TOO!, 12 February, 2012
24.5 years of marraige and I bust my ass making her happy. But then she won’t tell where we are going for our 25th. She won’t make a plan even for a weekend away although she goes away with her girlfriend to her girfriends’s brother’s house at nearby resort often starting 6 months ago. She frustrates me as much as possible. Doesnt want to go out on saturday nights. I try to tak to her; she is just depressed and not ready to talk. Then I found the cell phone records for 6 months of a tsunami of calls & texts every day and I cause a big stink. Then the hidden guy she is just "friends" with has an Ex girlfiend who calls me and then I begin to see her whole plan so that the wages of sin and judgment by all would not be upon her.

Make me miserable frustrate me on EVERY level and then I demand a divorce and she is never found out. Betrayal, deceit and lies.
written by Vp, 14 February, 2012
Hi I know how you are feeling, and for me after 25yrs of marraige to my one true love and 4 kids later.. My closure came when i tried EVERYTHING to protect my marraige from his co-worker, eventualy i moved 200 miles away... and 9mths later he came for forgivness, which i did.. BUT... in with that i needed answers... I went to "her" house and she gave me more truth in 2 days than he had in 2yrs, And the puzzle peices came together, YES i am emotionaly numb still, and he’s re-marring yet another woman. it hurts like hell, I dont know how to fill that "whole" because for me and like you, you wouldnt ever love anyone like you loved them. because you dont want the pain/hurt again..
written by tets43, 21 February, 2012
so many stories just like mine. 24 yrs....i was disable emotionally and unable to work for 2 yrs because of his abuse cheating and manipulative behavior and he drug the divorce out for 2.5 yrs til I had no fight in me. He left me at starting over at 45 yrs old. He lives with his mother again (on and off)and became an alcoholic the minute he left the house. I had much much counseling and even hypnotherapy and she told me I lived my marriage with a narcissist. I am sure many of you also were married to them as this is why it is difficult to let go of them. They get into your psych. From what I read..some of us never fully recover from their abuse. God has helped me the most and in the end He will judge their behavior and adultery and destroying the people they were meant to care for. I still hard time and he left 10 yrs ago and been divorced since 2004. I feel I still love him, but yet hate him also. Trying to be with someone else has been difficult because of the distrust. We try to protect ourselves from ever being hurt that way again. God bless all of you and may He have a bigger and better plan for us. Even if I never find another mate on Earth...I found God again after he left as when I was married to the old Atheist..there was no God around here. See..if he wouldnt have left..i would not have reconnected with the Big Guy above. Sad still, yes... but at least it makes me not jump into the same situation again.
written by Elane, 24 February, 2012
Yep I was married to a cheating, stinking, controlling, abusive Bastard. I have moved on and I am doing much better now solo (mentally and financially)than I was with him. I am writing a tell all book. Should I send him a copy? He is sick now, had a stroke, so for the Kids and Grand kids sake, I guess I won’t send him a copy of the book about how he treated me. My advice...Move on, do not dwell on the past, write about gets better!
written by libramistress, 08 March, 2012
I have to say the same thing so many others have one here... I’m so glad to see I’m not the only one. He has cheated throughout our 16 year marriage. Leaves to be with them and then they see what a depressed/bipolar person he really is and dumps him. He then comes back and I like a fool take him back. Somehow it’s always my fault he had an affair. It’s my fault for everything. One of the times he came back he was busy telling everyone how much he hated me and was actually hitting on several married friends and telling them I was such a B%#$! and no one ever told me. I’m emotionally exhausted and he has beaten my self esteem into the ground. I don’t know why he is the way he is. Everything is me fault, I’m crazy etc etc. I’m glad to not be alone because that was really how I was feeling. I just can’t talk to my friends or family about this because I’m so horribly embarrassed I am in this situation again and again. I dream of moving far away and never seeing or hearing his voice again.
written by Francee’, 16 March, 2012
Can I ever relate to all these stories, but it seems that my abuse had lasted longer than anyone of these horrifying stories. I have been married for 43 years and we have 2 children and 3 grandgirls. My children and family begged and pleaded with me to leave him early on in our marriage, but no, I loved him way too was a one sided love that was so abusive that I could not talk to anyone about it. Now, that he
has been sent to jail for domestic violence, he went and filed for a divorce. In 1986, he had an accident in which I took care of him day and night. He lost his left arm and left foot and he is a diabetic. Can a man be so cruel as to tell me I will not get one penny of his money after all I have done to see the he lives well and survives? But in all honesty, he became more violent after the train accident. But his love was not me, it was his money and he was afraid I would try to get some of it, but I never filed for the divorce.
It seems that no want to befriend me and feel as if I have lost my life and have nothing to live for at my age. How does one survive mental and physical abuse for so many years and still try to carry on with all that has been drained from you? Friends?, gone, money gone and neighbors look at you as if you have the plague. He was probably the most arrogant, controlling, self-righteous man that God has ever created and now that he has gone over to the dark side, he wants everyone to think that I am insane and he can’t live with a nut. Please give me some advice as how to hold my head up high and go on.
written by Mary hard life, 24 March, 2012
24 march 2012
My husband of 42 years left me and having an affair even before he left me. We have 12 children and 19 grand children. He’s has no remorse and blames it all on me. All trough our marriage he has been verbally abusive to me, walked out many many times taking all his clothes with him. He never said he is sorry and had an affair before with my best friend. He says it is all my fault and living happy with this woman. Wonder what he told her. Getting on with my life is very hard. I also lost one of my sons in a car accident. I just want to join him.
written by seekingunderstanding, 08 April, 2012
As I write this, I realize how much I have to be thankful. Only 6 years and no children. With that said I cannot imagine the feelings many of you must be experiencing-as mine as been a very painful journey. Although I kicked him out and he blames me for ending our marriage, he wanted out and just didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to admit it. So yes I am the bad girl, I cry and struggle but know if nothing else I deserve better, even if the better is alone with myself. I have been through what seems like a war and although still grieving know extricating him from my life is the first step to being at peace. God bless you all.
written by Confused32, 04 May, 2012
After 12yrs, 7 of those married, my ex husband left me and our 5yr old son for our son’s godmother. It was totally out of the blue and I had no clue. I felt like a total fool. He wasn’t abusive just cold. I was in total shock and didn’t even want to talk about it. I basically lied to myself, telling myself i didn’t love him anymore and my son and i were better off. I just numbed myself. I filed for divorce and moved 2 states way. The ex is still with the GF he cheated on me with. Reading all your stories my heart goes out to all. I also count my blessings because I have career that allowed me to support my son and rebuild a new life fairly quickly. My son and work has keep me busy from thinking about what happened. My ex has always expressed guilt and remorse, i just didn’t want to listen. It’s been 4 yrs and to be honest I never really dealt with my feelings. I’ve dated but never really open myself up to take that next step. A couple of days ago my ex called and( we’ve always been civil for son’s sake) we actually talked or more so I didn’t hang up on him when he wanted to talk past our son. I never expressed my feelings on what happened until now. He says he still wants our family back, misses and loves me etc..but he is still with her. He knows what he has do and is dealing with it but I’m confused and not sure whether I should try. Any advice out there?
written by sucker punched in texas, 03 July, 2012
I met my husband on line, we dated for four years before he proposed to me in Florida, while on holiday together. A romantic restaurant, and when I said yes, the other people clapped. He was British, so we did all the paperwork and he became a US citizen. We talked and decided that since he was leaving his family and friends that I would do the same, so I sold my house, packed up my two children and we moved to Texas, to start our life together. We traveled every year to see his kids in the UK, we took two trips to Vegas every year and mini vacations in between. We were the perfect couple. Gave each other space, supported each other in our careers, always made decisions together, talked openly and could loose a day just talking to each other. We trusted and believed in each other 100%. And then within a six month time frame, he got prostate cancer, had surgery with complications, our youngest was told she had cervical cancer at the same she was told she was pregnant and her husband was cheating on her, my sister was told she had cancer, my brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and my husbands mother died. And one night as my husband fell asleep with his cell phone in his hand, his hand twitched, a text message popped up on his phone. A message he had sent thanking "M" for the evening before and what pleasure they had both given each other. the world crashed around me, I couldn’t breathe and went outside and sobbed for hours before waking him up and confronting him. He admitted to this "friendship" because it was not an affair. She was a stripper that he met three years ago and it just happened day by day. He never planned it, it just happened. Over time as we talked, he shared with me that she was a friend when he needed one.. It was nothing to him, that he did and never stopped loving me, was never going to leave me, and that his number one goal was to die in my arms..!! He told me it was over, done, he saw the hurt it caused me and could never cause that kind of pain again. Only to find out six months later that it started back up once things were calm and better between us. I then found out that he had been financially supporting her to the point that she stopped working in the strip club, he bought her clothes, meals, drugs, hotel rooms, was paying some of her bills. Now keep in mind this stripper lived with the man she loved and had five other guys that were providing the same support as my husband. she started him on crystal meth, which he had been doing for years, so he went to rehab, got straight or so I thought, all the while we were going to a therapist, he did all the right things to convince me and our family that he was on the straight and narrow. through all this he moved out of the house, came back three times, and is currently out for the fourth time, because I told him I didn’t want the hurt anymore, didn’t want the pain anymore, couldn’t play the game anymore..!! Through it all he swore he never stopped loving me, was never going to leave me, that was never his intent, that he didn’t love her, it was all about fulfilling his fantasies, his computer was loaded with pictures and videos of their sessions,
written by missj, 26 July, 2012
I have gone through it all with 4 (1, 3, 5, 7yrs) kids. Verbal abuse, stinginess not even a packet of sugar, going to the extent of making people believe I had gone crazy, his girlfriends insulting me, telling me to pack and go when I was sick and weak.
I just made up my mind and told myself I was gonna be ok. I told myself, I may have contributed to this because each time he did not honor his duties, I would, without negotiations, just sort the problems on my own, pay all the bills myself, I needed a smooth life, so I didn’t beg him or ask him. Eventually he felt left out. He made a choice to be outside our lives financially, physically and all. Then he blamed me for having affairs which I didn’t have, as his list of women grew, some of whom insulted me on the phone. Then He would be home 1 day in a month insult me all night long; where he got the strength to talk all night long, God knows.
I prayed to God to be with me, it was not my wish to go but I had to go; I asked HIM to be with me and reward me for my faithfulness throughout the relationship. I gave it all I could, actually too much, that maybe is what killed it. God answered my prayer, I was/am myself again, single strong woman.

I left with only bare necessities. After 10 months my life was on track and it has continued to be. My kids have grown, now almost 7 years. He wants custody, he filed for divorce blaming me for the things he did.
Godlessman, no good.

He always stalked me during and after marriage.
I am eagerly waiting. He may try to hurt me but I am past that stage now.The truth has and shall set me free. I love myself now that I know I am not the fool he said I was.

written by Mar.12, 13 August, 2012
I have been in a relationship with this guy who is almost double my age, he lied about his age when we had just met. After a grand courting period..I gradually began to realize this guy has some weird notions about women and using them to his benefit (usually sex). All that he cares about is food and alcohol ! I almost always wonder if he is a human being or something else. Recent search made me realize he is a psychopath. I have spent years of sleepless nights and stress wondering where myself and my little daughter would go. He has conned people all his life and i’m no exception i guess.. he is greedy and shrewd..
I also believe people who cheat and con others almost get the same back somehow..i have never seen a shrewd manipulative guy living a great life for long.

I cannot for the life of me understand such creeps exist in real life..just thought its all in exaggerated movies.
I hope someday i shall be free of all this ugly feelings.. and live a good life..

written by Sarah J, 07 September, 2012
If you want an answer as to why you have been treated this way by a man.... its because they are a selfish and greedy human being. Underneath it all they are unhappy with their life or themselves. However you would not know this as on the surface they appear to be confident and have a big ego. They want want want, but when they get what they want, they then want something else. They will never be satisfied as long as they choose to ignore their true emotions. Which they do have... And yes they did once love you and care about you as hard as it may seem. They also may still have feelings towards you which they disguise with hatred.
The reason you have been treated this way is because this type of man when given an inch will take a mile. They are sneaky, liars, manipulative and so on. Possibly due to the way they have been brought up (taught little respect or spoilt by parents) or perhaps treated this way by a previous partner.
Don’t think that your ex’s behavior is any your fault. Its definitely not. You can’t be responsible for another persons actions. However if you are in this situation now there are ways of dealing with this type of man. Firstly you need to make yourself independent, by having a job or car or evening hobbies/classes. You have to make the other person become the weaker person in the relationship. By slowly making the other person aware that you love them but you could easily get by without them. That they are lucky for having you. You need to start thinking alot more of yourself, even if you have to fake it. Slowly make it seem you are a better catch than him. Also when he behaves in a way that is unacceptable you need to make a big deal of it. You need to make him aware you wont tolerate it and if needs be that you won’t stick around if this behavior continues.

Back to anyone that is no longer with this type of man. Yes it does get better, but you will for a long time carry the pain with you. But that’s ok, be kind to yourself. Medication is not always that helpful, it can just make you become a zombie. Sometimes it’s just better to feel the pain and let your mind heal over time. Don’t worry if its taking months or even years, it’s a long process but it definitely gets better and you will learn to be stronger in the long run.

To anyone who has been through emotional abuse, physical abuse, lies, manipulation, cheating, you name it. I’ve been through it all. I know that terrible pain. Where you just wish you were dead. When you cant manage to drag yourself to the doctors to ask for help. When you are numb, broken, humiliated, destroyed and so on. If your reading this now trust me there will be a time that it will get better. Not only that you will become a stronger person than before. You will have the drive inside you to achieve and live your life to the full. I know at the moment it may seem an impossible thing to you, but believe me you will find the strength inside you. The pain will fade. You have got to allow yourself time to heal.

Anyway that’s enough writing for now. Take care

written by Boronia, 14 November, 2012
Hi, I feel for you too as I have been betrayed in love, by controlling behaviour by my ex husband of 20 years. Before I married we went out for 4 years and I did not ever live with my ex before we married, so to really know what he was really like was a mystery..
Before I married I became a Catholic for my partner and so decided to take this marriage vow thing seriously.. indoctrination of the church convinced me that I was capable of forgiving my spouse of surprising abusive behaviour that developed soon after we were married. So I stayed and tried to love a person who was a respectable citizen to the outside world and held a responsible job in Academia, but was pushing , shoving, slapping and kicking me for years behind closed doors. I kept on thinking "What would Jesus do" and like a hamster in a wheel I would forgive over and over..until I literally became a doormat.
All this religious doctrination did my head in. I worked extremely hard doing all household and garden chores so that our environment looked like something out of a magazine,did not drink, smoke or have any unsociable habits, made sure all meals were high quality by doing all cooking and take out lunches, sewed clothes, cleaned up after m husband,was size 8 and looked like and dressed like a model, went to work full time to contribute financially, raised a son and was still treated badly. Many times I became seriously ill ( flu, osteoporosis to name a few) due to starving myself to win his approval so he would be happy with my slender figure,so as to win his love over and over all the time. Working so hard to get love was the order of the day. There was also a certain amount of arrogance on my exe’s behalf in the way that he criticized me for not living up to all his standards.
So I kept the agony going without ever reporting it. There are many reasons why we stay in poor relationships but the main reason is that we doubt our own good judgement and we overide our sense of self with the current values/rules of our localized culture/religion in order to justify and legitimize what is happening.
I learnt the hard way that no amount of forgiveness can change another person.
We are all born with an emotional compass and if we feel sad it means we are responsible to make change. Ignoring the compass means simply denying yourself of any happiness. Identifying what needs to change is the hardest thing to do when in a brainwashed state.

Unconditional love is a two way street and if one person is only doing it then it is not a relationship. It basically is a dominance situation.. quite a terrible place to be. The real nightmare sets in which is that you have wasted 20 or so years in hell, which could have been spent on finding and marrying someone else that was capable of love.

"Move on" people say, but move on to what? Many women find their choice of men quite limiting later in life. Many older men are supported by society’s values and reflected in the male dominated Hollywood machine that getting a younger new woman is the way to go. So older men, even if they were cause of their relationship break up seem to find a young pretty innocent woman to control again. Moving on is not as easy for an older woman as a woman is often judged just by her youth and beauty.
I have had up to 80 internet dates and most are after free sex with no ties or a nursemaid. ( other dysfunctions vary from gamblers, addictive problems, mental issues or not able to hold an intelligent conversation) Men my age group (48-52) keep wanting young thirty somethings. Unfortunately the young thirty something women do go out with these older men as they hope that they will be looked after by a father figure.. only to find out that they are usually dirty old men with little commitment or respect for women and the cycle repeats again.

Real love is elusive for many women finding singledom in their middle years.. mainly because the morals of many "available" men in that age group are predator like (what is in it for me vs what love can I give a partner) Many women in my age group are finding the same problems, so I am not imagining it
The credibility of many men is greatly lacking. The superficiality of women trying to look like a Barbie Doll and behaving like a robot like in the movie Stepford Wives seems to be the order of the day that men seem to want. Women do not have these same expectations of men so what is going terribly wrong????
Statistics are now showing that up to a third of men in relationships in Australia are into domestic violence and these are the ones that are reported and many are not reported, some due to fear of revenge of a former partner. I know that there are cases of women who are abusive , but these are in a lot less proportion to men doing it to their partners. All most women want is sincere love. Note: This email is not directed to any men who are loving and decent.
written by Boronia, 15 November, 2012
Hi Folks, Just wanted to add that I left my home city in Australia so as to get away from my ex 10 years ago. My lawyer advised me to get away after my ex began stalking me in my new home.I did not report all the abuse in the marriage to anyone. By leaving, I left family and friends. I migrated to my country of birth, UK where I caught up with distant relatives which do not know me that well, but I have made new friends.
One agonizing thing is that my son chose to live with his dad after all what had happened.. he did not like UK as he came to visit me 3 times. He was 16 When we split and it was heart breaking. I fortunately secured a good job in UK and created a new life. Four years ago my dad had cancer and I vowed to return to Australia as my mother had dementia and it was a difficult time for them. It was then I realised that I needed to return, but with the world economy in a shambles I could not sell my flat with a sizable mortgage.
I have waited 4 years to sell and in that time my dad died and I had to put my mum in care in Australia. I want to go back to see my son and mum, but am trapped in a mortgage and no sale. When my dad died my ex husband kept in touch with my parents and my ex was at the deathbed of my father, Within 2 hours of his death he took my mother back to her house and stole my dad’s car and asked my mum to the deeds to her house. I eventually arrived on the scene and managed to get the car back and luckily my mum could not find the deeds.
What is ironic is that I asked my ex why did he steal my dad’s car and he was honest about his own ruthless nature and answered "Because I wanted the money"
He even mocked me insinuating that I was stupid and that I was "not all there".
I had no energy to retaliate as I was in shock and a week later my mother nearly died and that is why I had to place her in care.
My son now has bonded more so with is dad... naturally as I am the one who left the city. My ex husband has a big family network that supports him and all I have is a mum with dementia in care.
So at 50 I wrestle as to whether to stay in UK or go back. The fact that I can’t sell my property is a variable stalling my decision.
Disillusioned even more.... as I will have to find work in Australia at 50 and find a place to live and sell all my gear in UK. I am in a fork in the road to know where to live now as not seeing my son is difficult and I am not wealthy so I can jet set when I want.
So where to from here? My saga does not end as I cannot shake this man out of my life... He is my perpetual nightmare.
written by jo-bot, 03 December, 2012
very sad stories. I don’t know how to deal with my ex when it comes to the kids. He is still manipulative and i can’t handle it anymore. I don’t want him in my life but have to for the kids, but nothing he ever says is the truth. He ignores them completely then thinks when he snaps his fingers they should be available to him or he accuses me of trying to keep them from him. Example....on 3 occasions in one week he was suppose to see them, he cancelled the first 2 and didn’t show up to the third and i didn’t hear from him for nearly 2 weeks...he sent a message to say he wants to see the kid on the friday (in two days)...i could not respond as i had no phone credit.....he didn’t try to call or communicate again so i thought he wasn’t that interested (as usual)....on the friday i got a call from child care telling me that my ex had shown up trying to take the kids out.....but they weren’t there (see he doesn’t even know what day they are in care)...why? those are the actions of a man that has been kept from his kids, but one missed text message and he tries to take things into his own hands....i am continuously having to look over my shoulder or work out what he actually means.....he earns 80k per year, i get a single parent pension, yet he won’t pay me money he owes me...he lies about it and then i find out he received a pay out and bought a car..but no money for me. He was unemployed and about to be deported when i married him, i supported him until he was able to work. He paid the bills but i’m assuming it was so he could use it to show immigration since that’s the first thing he did when his case came up. I threw him out because he ignored me...i sponsored his brother to come here too and have major debts because of this..he started sleeping with his horrid work mate 2 minutes later and she is now pregnant. I have a manipulative ex who never does what he says or follows through with agreements, more of his siblings living in the country and making demands on the kids while bitching about me to his nutty pregnant girlfriend who exposed their relationship via facebook by contacting my family members and displaying half naked photo’s of them together. I can’t pay my bills but he is living it up, sponsoring family members, buying cars, going on yet another holiday and he wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me, AND he left me with all the debt and has no intention of helping me pay it back. I don’t think i was ever in love with him...i think i was a soft touch and he knew this....i don’t miss him, don’t want him, but don’t want to be harassed by his new gf (he wont put a stop to it) and we are now stuck with her because he knocked her up....I just want to take the kids and disappear, they deserve better, they are good kids with NO thanks to him and ALL thanks to me. I have not had family support because my sister dumped me and hangs around my ex’s friends the second we separated, my parents didn’t want to get involved so i sat at home for over a year without support from them (but alot of abuse because my sister has always been the favorite), and even spend christmas alone with my kids now. I am weak as piss and feel like an idiot. I don’t want them in my life, my kids love their father thanks to ME. I have always talked him up so they don’t get hurt or feel rejected, but it’s getting harder and harder. I am happy to let go of the lying and cheating past if he would only be honest with me when it comes to the kids...but he lies every time he opens his mouth and i can’t take his shit anymore.
written by newtothis, 11 December, 2012
i have read them all, and as with most, my story is similar,16 years together and find out he marries someone else.. she knocked up..i left with a 7year old son..and i am the bad muslim!!
written by newtothis, 11 December, 2012
perhaps we shall all find solace in knowing we are better off out of these relationships with such men..

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