Past Comments – Should I leave my husband after 30 years of marriage

Comments (52)

written by reneenicole, 23 September, 2006
I just discovered that my husband of 34 yrs has been cheating for 20 years with multiple partners: men and women and with couples. By every means we have had a "great" marriage and b/c he was not looking for a relationship and just sex, he felt he was not cheating... imagine! I am SHOCKED and crushed to find that my husband, who has always been kind, caring, dependable and trustworthy... a true upstanding family man... could lie and cheat and be so deceitful. When I caught him (via an email he wrote to a couple), he gradually told me everything (internet swingers sites, the many sexual encounters, PO box he opened and answered my weeks of specific questions). It is so difficult to get support b/c of the many things he has done for 20 years. He wants to work it out and stay married. I tried to understand his "addictions" (he tried to stop many times he said and couldn’t) and I thought b/c he has had multiple sexual encounters with men, that maybe he is gay... and I would support him through this. He says he is not, just wanted more sex and no commitment... that we was never looking to replace me. We spoke to an online sex addiction counselor who was not as helpful as I was hoping (he thinks my husband is homosexual and won’t admit it). We have been through so much and I have read books and articles with my husband... he has appreciated all of my support. I am frustrated that he cannot provide more reasons as to how he could do this to me and our marriage while in a "great, happy marriage with great sex" (his definition). He says repeatedly, that all he wanted more sex with others. The last 2 weeks (I have known for 6 weeks), have been devastating for me b/c I am finally focusing on me rather than him. I am now angry and still very shocked by this person whom I have known and loved and trusted for 35 years... my heart is burning and I am having difficulty leading a normal life at work... the sadness bad, the deceit is devastating. I feel like I am living a lie b/c no one knows but us. We are ready to tell our adult children.
Has anyone been through anything like this? How much do you share with the children? Can a 20-yr liar and cheater be believed that he wants desperately to stay married and will never cheat again? He seems remorseful and says that NOW he understands what he did and he did not then. God this is tough. Thanks to all.
written by hoochie, 21 January, 2008
I would say that the sex with men is a red flag for sure and not something that will change, period. Also, dig deeper though his kind, caring persona and how can that square with his actions. I have just discovered a similar thing about my 27 year relationship. My conclusion is my husband has always led a double life and when not active elsewhere was shut down and miserable. I have reviewed many many instances in the past where I should have, and sometimes did twig to things not adding up, or sounding strange, but always excused him, accepted that he was preoccupied with "business", was working so hard etc. etc.

I broke with him last year, but then got reeled back in when he worked really hard at it. Only to catch him now, and discover his active interest in sex with anyone or thing, but especially men. Now all the time spent, innocently I thought, around carpenters, tradesmen, cowboys, horse trainers,mechanics, just out of the house and with the MEN generally takes on new meaning. The very rare but special close friendships with other men, one of whom it turns out is at least bi and probably gay.
Why did he bother getting me back?

Because I made a good prop. Because with me he built a hologram of a respectable family man, great wife, great kids, great home. It gave him the appearance of stability and was invaluable in many ways. Plus of course I was the cook, nurturer, mother, homemaker and safe bet sex partner willing to do things his way. In short – Rent a Wife

So look back carefully and re-appraise his acts of kindness, was it guilt, did he keep you where he wanted you by being just nice enough for you to feel terrible about thoughts of leaving him.

Despite many years of being abandoned emotionally and being terribly lonely within my marriage, not to mention all the ridiculous ups and downs my husband manufactured,(which I now see as crisis making to deflect attention from whatever else was going on, or just simple attention getting, (ie., nobody can fix this problem but me, and if I don’t fix it we are all doomed, ruined, etc) despite this roller coaster life masquerading as normal to all outsiders, despite the extreme isolation, despite knowingly living a lie to protect his ego, I didn’t leave because a) he made sure I had no options or resources B) I kept saying that deep down he really loves me, and deep down he is a decent guy. How can I morally leave someone decent, who loves me and is the father of my beautiful children.

I am now convinced that he never loved me and likely secretly hates women in general. I can now see also that he enjoyed the GAME of deception. It was entertaining for him, and gave him satisfaction to get away with. Have your cake and eat it too.

So no... can a 20 yr cheater be believed, absolutely not.

Share with the grown children? Why keep his secrets for him at your emotional expense. Perhaps these grown kids have their own stories and would be grateful for some honesty and perhaps better clarity on their own experiences with this person.
Wants desperately to stay married? Desperately wants to keep his public and perhaps personal false image of himself, too cowardly to live an honest life in keeping with his orientation and sexual needs. Knows that staying in the marriage helps save him from himself.

I did for richer or poorer, I did through sickness and health, after discovering that my man is a sociopath, compulsive lier, and at least bi if not gay, I have decided that I do not owe this man till death do us part.
He has already done all he can to keep me in a dead place for 27 years.
Good luck to you, remember to practice love and gratitude for all your strengths and all your real relationships. Teach yourself to put your need to heal first for a while. He does not deserve your empathy.
written by meto, 24 April, 2008
I have just read your letter. What an eye opener. I have known for some time now my husband is gay. I am afraid to be alone. I have been with him for 30 year. I don’t know if I could afford not to live alone that is why I stay now, before it was because of the kids. I know one thing this is not how I wanted to live my life.
written by lois, 31 October, 2008
Interesting stories. My husband and I have been together for 25 years. Happy family, children and great sex life. Over the years we have had discussions about past lives, it just seemed sexy. I have fantasy about having an affair with the UPS man, and he plays into my fantasy. I have just found out that he has been with a few men before we got together and really liked it, it seemed very sexy to him. My fantasy makes him happy,he always talks about catching us and being part of it. In a conversation the other night he now talks about getting together with a man and having a relationship. I think I can go for it if it includes me, what do you think about a threesome, I really don’t care if they have gay sex, and then have safe clean sex with sounds kind of good. Am I crazy?
written by Ethel, 18 April, 2009
marriage is something a man put together long ago to show others that you already belong..It is a vow of your love to your other, a ring is to signify your and minds can change..wanting to see what is on the other side of the fence, can lead to sneaking around .. encourage our children to give themselves plenty of time to decide on who you want to spend the rest of your life with, as children can they are the ones that really get an emotional beating over the split since we really own our heart, our bodies, you seem to decide what you want to do with it,spite of having a mate..some people never really accept one person/mate in their lives...they keep on looking , or addicted to new relationship with dont matter how long you lived with someone, if it is not working for ither one, and your actions is hurting the other, the death to we part could be the death of the have to have 2 to have a relationship..2 interested people..or it is a thing you dont want to do is belittle your self to being caught up in any sexual fantasy or scheme that is against your beliefs. to me to beg to have another person in the is dead already. pity me not, for i will get my OWN new lover..i dont share..move on.. dont stope to paticipating in kinky stuff, unless it is yor thrill..other wise it can become a deadly game, and demeaning.It dont matter how long you have been living with that person., love should not hurt..and when it starts hurting ..and if there is not a solution, plan the next years of your life.. things have changed any way, you want have the lil kids underfoot, and your matured in being able to live on your own .. get up, get out get going to make things change for you.. friends..but get a life of your own..starting over can be a nice piece of change for you too..make everything brand new. to you..even if you have to buy from thrift up the rest..or leave it behind..bust out and go.. you never really owned each other..and still dont...if you cant put a square peg in a round hole, you will just spend useless hours trying to figure it out till your a weaken pup.. you gave it your best shot, and now if it is not good enough, give your best shot somewhere else..I loved my alcoholic husband dearly..but he made my life meseriable..i went to a alon meeting ..just one meeting gave me my answer..i can love my husband from afar, away from the daily pain he caused, so i was hard, but i eventually got my pride, my self respect, and new life with out all the abuse. what did it cost home, my financial security,some rainy day friends,etc..but i was in a survival mode..i expected the worst when i made the decision, but i really made it on my own..what did i gain? i gain back my self worth, not feeling responsible for what he created,wake up and feel good about my self,etc..for a lone time i drove the old car, living in run down apt. but place, my life, my old car, and my own earned monies..and eventually met someone who treated me like i was his best friend..that fit..i needed to do what i done..even tho i didnt know what i was going to do, but you have, yourself, and a goal.. dont stay if it is making you sick..good luck my friends...
written by Margo, 06 December, 2009
As sad as this is it occurs so often now it’s considered normal. There is nothing normal about lying, someone will always end up being hurt by it. When someone loves you the foundation of that should be respect and trust. If these attributes are there than lying is not an option. You have put up with a difficult situation and put yourself 2nd too long. It’s time to look at your life and be happy for you, not him. He has done nothing to deserve your kindness so stop giving it. It’s called being manipulated. Fight only the causes that are worth winning. And remember the only person we can change is ourselves. Make the best out of your life that you can, life is too short.
written by Reed2004, 26 January, 2010
Ref the sex with the UPS man, that’s how ours started, I like sex, actually I love it but I thought if I supported him and helped him ‘try it out’ it would be done and dusted, something we did and could use in future ‘dirty talk’ sessions. But all I did was open the flood gates. I can’t speak for your relationship, but think through on the possibility of it becoming a slippery slope.
written by Anna2010, 18 March, 2010
I found out a month ago that the man I have been married to for almost 40 yrs has been involved with at least 4 other women over a 2 year period. Once caught, he has been very remorseful, very intent on keeping our marriage together and claims that he really loves me and what he did was out of frustration with his turning 60 and feeling like he was no good and was getting too old to be of any use to anyone. I guess it was sorta like a midlife crisis. It started out with women at work asking him to borrow money for lunch or gas, etc. And being the generous man he is, he gave them the money and then of course he never got paid back. So when they kept asking it developed into sexual situations in order to "pay back". He has confessed to all the contacts he had and that they occurred about every two months over a 2 year period. He assures me this was a purely physical act to help bolster his self-esteem and to assure himself that he was able to perform and to satisfy other women. I had been ill during much of this time and he felt that I was pushing him away. He knows this was no excuse for his behavior and has told me that many times over since being caught. He swears it will never happen again and I made him call each of these women in my presence and tell them not to contact him anymore. We live in a small town and contact of some kind will be inevitable. The fact that these women were of another race also makes it difficult. I do not want my marriage of almost 40 years to be destroyed and I am trying to cope with and understand how this all got started. My children are grown but they know all about it, in fact my daughter is the one who discovered what was going on. I really want to trust him and rebuild my life but it is an uphill climb because there are reminders everywhere.
written by Jade Simpson, 28 August, 2010
My ex husband cheated on me early on in the marriage. He swore he wouldn’t do it again. But he did continually. Once you know they have cheated, the relationship is over. If you stay, you only torture yourself. (I think all men cheat, but some just don’t ever get caught). I finally dumped my ex after 13 (wasted) years. I feel much better about life now, no more having to listen to bullshit or his stupid dramas.
written by ting1, 11 September, 2010
My husband of thirty years lost his job seven years ago and that’s when everything hit the fan.The first ten years was wonderful but after that I new something was underlining in his personality. My husband always seemed to have something hidden about him. When he lost his job his drinking went out of control and so did everything else. I found proof of sex addition on the internet and him also going into gay sites. I believe that he is bisexual. My husband was always very shy and quite but always had a great sense of humor. But our sex life was not very good. I chalked it up a drinker with no sex drive. I find it unbelievable that he is like a tiger on the internet. Its like he has a split personality. I am not afraid to leave him but I feel if I do he will die in the street and that’s one thing I cannot live with. I too believe that he always had a secret life and I was his cover up for a normal life. I feel I am in the twilight zone. I have gotten over the hurt and distrust that he has cause because he is a sick person and I turn it all over to God. .smilies/cry.gif
written by Mickey2010, 29 September, 2010
Well I can see I am not the only one who has been dealing with alot of pain and embarrassment brought on by a cheating husband. I have been married for 20 years, last year I discovered my husband had been meeting with swingers and going to swing clubs while on business trips. It went on for about 3 yrs before he was caught. We have been through counseling which seems to help him but not me. My husband was sexually abused by a man as an adolescent and has always wondered deep down if he was gay (I was not aware of his feelings but knew about the abuse)He did have one encounter with a man which he said was not suppose to be the case, there was suppose to be a woman present, anyway the man did oral sex on him, he said it made him physically sick afterwards as did all the encounters he had with the last few couples. The last few times he couldn’t even perform he said and I did get conformation from this couple without them knowing who I was. He was diagnosed as a sexual addict. He says he knows he is not gay and has no desire to swing anymore. He would go to online sites. He said it was more about the chase than the act. But after more than a year I still can’t get over what he has put me though. I don’t know if I will ever forgive him, trust him again or be able to stay married. We have two children at home but they know nothing about what their dad did. I feel trapped and unhappy at times and other times things seem normal. Just very confused and feel I deserve better. Its somewhat comforting to know I am not alone in the sick sexual tendencies of a cheating husband.
written by Eva2010, 02 November, 2010
My 71 year old husband just confessed that he had solicited a sexual encounter with another guy, enjoyed it and wants to continue pursuing it with both guys and girls. He is the nerd shy type and I never thought he would act on his fantasy. He says he wants to stay married because he loves me. He wants me to have sex with other guys as well. We have been married for 26 years with two grown kids. I am 50 years old and I don’t think I can put up with this arrangement. I want to leave him. I know I can manage on my own but the thought is scary.
written by kim50, 07 November, 2010
Well I’m glad I am not the only person who has lived with a long term cheater although it has felt very alone for years, I want to leave my husband but do not have the means to do it, I am tired of the distrust and how he makes me feel. Over the years ( 29 yrs of marriage ) I have put myself last and that was a very big mistake, now I am 50 and feel like my life is truly over. I see no future if I leave him or if I stay, I know he still trolls the internet and god knows what else. I have noticed many people here say they would be concerned about surviving on their own and I can truly relate.
written by Anguiano, 09 November, 2010
Wowzers, I can’t believe what I’m reading? Of course I’m only 20 years old been with my wife since we were in 2nd grade haha oo yes young love.. Of course I have no experience any of the problems that you older women have gone threw. And on that, I am truly and deeply sorry for that. Reading yalls comments made me realize a lot of things, that I surely do not ever want to to put my wife thru, cause I truly do absolutely adore her, love her, and whatever other words that have to do with describing your affection for someone.. See the reason why I’m even on this website. Is because I had a question; that I was looking up on google. Why does your wife cheat after 30 years of mirage. The reason for the question? Is, because a couple that was arguing. It turned that this very beautiful looking older women had cheated on her husband of over 30 years. Taken one glance at the man he was not very much in shape. So I can figured the reasons behind the womens action ha.. but it lead me to think. What if. What if I become fat and bald and hairy? And my wife as beautiful as she is. Will leave me for somebody better? It was scary thought, cause that couple was also high school sweethearts. I don’t want that to become us.. and we have beautiful 2 year old lil girl. She looks just like her mother..
written by Allen’s wife, 04 February, 2011
My husband after nearly 30 years of marriage informed me that he had an affair with a co-worker for over a year nearly 15 years ago. Needless to say, I felt like the rug had been ripped from under me. I knew that we had our problems and I even suspected his unfaithfulness to which he responded was totally unfounded. After years of dealing with children, college, marriages etc. he felt the need for greater transparency in our marriage. So 2 weeks before Christmas and two parties, he informs me of this while I am decorating the Christmas tree. I was devastated, felt like I was going to pass out or vomit or both and spent the next week in a near catatonic albeit sexualized state. We had always had a wonderful sex life, but after hearing this news, I brought sex to a whole new level, I couldn’t get enough. I want my marriage to work and get to a point of forgiveness or at least compartmentalizing the experience and putting it somewhere on the upper shelf of my closet. I am still in this hyper-sexual mood, somehow thinking this will solve things. But now 6 weeks later I am feeling exhausted. We have experienced a level of intimacy that I had been craving for years and have attained a degree of honesty, I never thought possible. My biggest problem is rediscovering trust, especially with business trips and time away from home. I think that I believe everything he is telling me, however when I am with my wicked little mind alone in our home, I start to wonder. I never used to be like this and I don’t like it, way to draining. How do you build trust after 30 years, especially when you thought that you had trust. We have to much vested, a wonderful family, probable grandchildren, financial security and enjoy each other’s company. We love to hike, travel and continue to have great innovative sex.
written by Mare, 04 February, 2011
I found this website by chance. I am happy I did even through my depression about my marriage. I have been faithful to my husband for 30 years. I have suspected different women he may have been have trysts with. He has never admitted to anything. Now his co worker moves into the same building and tried to provoke me into fighting her At 50 years old. She succeeded into making me angry enough to shout at her, She sneaked me from behind and bashed me repeatedly in the head. All I saw was white and could not defend myself. My husband was nonchalant about the whole thing. I had to go to the hospital. She spent one night in jail. The court dragged the case out for a year then let her go!. Mind you this happened in front of cameras and 2 people. The courts are twisted and you have to be near dead, I guess smilies/sad.gif I can only gather little hints from the things my husband says. He told me she worked 19 years on the job just like him. I have seen them playing tag with their cars. Since the beating I took I have stopped all communication with him,. He will not talk about it and becomes angry. Why do I stay now? Not because I want to. I am waiting for the right time to be financially secure. I am trying with no support or little support from counselors to move ahead with mt life. It is not easy after 30plus years. I have to muster all my strength not to feel sorry for people, and not fault myself. I agree with the poster that said he enjoys my misery, it is entertainment. It is such cowardice and selfishness to deceive anyone and lead a double life. It is truly evil at it’s best.These passive aggressive s are sick. I married one and excused all the signs. Sometimes I wish I could be cold hearted as he and take my share right now and run. I feel my life is ruined and over. Men in this area all act like him and feel entitled to bully women anyway they can. They seem addicted to porn and are joyless. To all the suffering men and women who are going through this, especially those who have been trusting . loving, and kind to someone who is not worthy. God bless you, I love you and I will pray for your healing Younger people learn about yourselves and be good friends first before sex. Learn as much about the other person as you can including the people in their families and how the respond to each other. Do not excuse ill behavior PERIOD! You are worth it and deserve so much more. To those that enjoy this sort of evil listen everyone will have to stand against the faceless man. You are so smart figure it out.
written by Kevin Leapley, 05 March, 2011
I am a sexual addiction counselor in Denver Colorado and many of the characteristics described in the blog posts are signs of sexual addiction. I have worked for the past 6 years with hundreds of men and if they work recovery, they become the husband their wives have always wanted. I would recommend reading Dr. Patrick Carnes’ book "Out of the Shadows" or "Don’t call it love" to better understand the underlying issues with sex addiction. Sex is not the problem but a way of masking the read intimacy disorder issues and attachment wounds. If you are wanting a sex addiction counselor near you (if you aren’t near Denver), one can be found at the website:

I believe your husbands can be healed if they desire a changed life! Kevin
written by sorryafter30, 24 March, 2011
I actually am considering the same after 31 years. Ups and downs withstanding, I am now thinking that living alone has benefits that outweigh the negatives. No kids...but would use the time to take care of my mom instead. I don’t like the fact my husband retired so young (50) and I quite frankly am tired of being a worker and housewife still....frankly that makes it a 40% and 60% negative in my mind. He wants me to cook/clean etc...frankly I am too old to do it for two, and would rather do it for just myself.
written by peggy v., 29 April, 2011
well i’m not alone... 35 years of marriage. i thought i married a respectful man a leader for me and our 3 children. one day he got mad at me and told me that he has been cheating for the last 8 years. he said he loved me, but was not in love with me. and he said it was half my fault that he cheated. because he always had to beg for sex. which is not true. but we somehow found ourselves not wanting to leave each other and we started a new journey to a new loving relationship with promises of no cheating. i was truly in love with my husband. but things weren’t feeling right. on occasions i would find out that he had several email addresses and he had profiles on the sites, adultfriend sites. about every 3 months into now going on 2 years he been chat and advertising himself on craigslist. and for some reasons i catch these sites and his emails that i find. he tells me he just chats with men and nothing ever comes out of any of the advertising. they are only weak moments. or his new saying their hiccups. and that he stopped doing it a couple months ago. and he keeps saying that if i don’t trust him and believe him we need to go our own way. get a divorce. that’s what he always says when i approach him with these things he is doing. i am so stress out never felt this way in my life until recently. i don’t want to leave this man i love him. but i think i should leave him. i think thats what he wants me to do. so i will be the bad guy. what a shame what a waist for my life.
written by CLJ, 05 June, 2011
I found out, via info my husband left up on our computer, that he has been having an affair with, yes, a younger woman, for 4 years. All during the time of great family celebrations of our daughter’s wedding, dream family vacations and my retirement. He said he was feeling old and had a fear of not ever having sex again or being attractive. (Yes, we had a sex life, though not great because he is also an alcoholic and morning sex is all I could muster). As we began to try to work on our marriage, I found that he’s had affairs all during our 35 years of marriage. Good Lord!!! I was clueless...well, now that I look back, not clueless, just clueblind. I don’t know what to do....I envisioned settling for an alcoholic that I loved in spite of his addiction. But now this may be too much for my brain and heart to handle. How do yo start over at 60 years of age???????????????

Just any support would be greatly appreciated!!!
written by From a daughter, 23 August, 2011
I am 25 years old and just today discovered that my father is having an affair – again. The first time I found out about one of my father’s affairs I was in 7th grade. I overheard multiple arguments which eventually lead to my determination of what had happened. I kept this to myself and then again, when I was 19 years old, it happened again. I read one email and instantly knew, my father was having an affair with my boyfriend’s mother. End of that relationship and many tears later, my mother found out. Someone called the house and told her... a perfect stranger told her this devastating news and to make it worse, her daughter already knew. Fast forward to 25. I now work for my father, make my living helping him run his business and believing that anyone can be reformed. Today, I tried to log on to my email at this computer and found an email account I did not recognize with emails suggesting that this was an account set up to allow him to cheat without being caught.
I am 25 and I am not stupid. I know there is much more to this than just respect and love. I know financials play a big role. I knew fear of the unknown is huge. I know other people’s opinions are a big role. I know that after multiple times of him cheating, my mother will probably stay with him because she actually loves him despite all of this. I know my father can probably not be rehabbed. I didn’t even cry about it this time. The last time, I couldn’t even breathe. This time, I just feel numb.
What I want to know is what to do... I don’t want to tell my mother – this would kill her, happening a third time (that we know of) and I know she would probably stay with him in the end.... so it would be devastating for nothing. I don’t want to confront my dad. He is my boss and that’s uncomfortable, but worse, when he is caught, he becomes someone I don’t know. He says things I could never imagine him saying. I lose my image of my father and that is more heartbreaking and more exhausting than anything else. How do I stop him from cheating without blowing the whole thing out of the water?
You may read this and think I would prefer to live in a fantasy world and the truth is, maybe I do. I prefer a world where love and respect are enough to live by. I prefer a world where my boyfriend of 6 years can be my mate for life, without another. I prefer to not cry and remain numb because it is so much easier than the alternative. I can’t put my family through another affair... Help me stop this in its tracks without letting everyone know.
written by Freida, 24 August, 2011
29 years and yes I am leaving. Luckily for me I have an income and an apartment to live in. There comes a point when you are just plain tired and then you look at the fact that you still have a life, that even solitude is better than being in a dead end marriage. I’m so scared, I have never lived alone in my 55 years. But I will handle it, with God’s help.
written by kaz67, 27 August, 2011
After 25 years of marriage i found out that my Husband was cheating on me. First I found texts on his phone from the same person. He told me it had been going on for about six weeks and would not do it again. I asked if there was anything else and he promised me that he had told me all. Then by chance i found a Old Phone of mine that i had not used for years. I charged it up and after found texts from My husband to the same person from Two Years ago. HE said he did not want to hurt me and again was so sorry he did not tell me the truth. I forgave him as he said that it was now all in the open, nothing more to know. Then i went to the Doctors because i had an infection that would not go away.I found out i had a STI. He broke down and told me he had sex once with a Prostitute once. He said he was sorry that it meant nothing that he felt something was needed and that he didn’t work anyway and he couldn’t do it properly. He told me it was me he wanted more than anything and that he would do anything to put it right between us. I felt stunned betrayed, no one had every hurt me this way before. But i forgave him. It was really rocky for a while and i decided that i wanted to make a new commitment to him. So we went to a lovely place i like to walk the dogs. Held his hand and asked him to tell me everything so we could make a new start and forget the past. We talked for a while and he said that he had opened his heart and all was open. We made promises to each other and i put my wedding ring on again for the first time since it was found out. Two fabulous weeks later i found out that not only had he still been trying to arranged to meet a prostitute 4 weeks ago, he had been seeing one almost every week for two years picking them up at the side of the road after work when he had told me he was either working over time/ at a meeting. Do I for give him this Time? I don,t want to be on my own, i know i am not the easiest person to live with so i probably caused all this and deserve it. As you can read this is very raw very new. i am in a very low place and see no other way. But want i am trying to say is Don’t be fooled or taken in as i have been.

written by Miini Mouse, 11 November, 2011
If your husband is cheating GREAT! Now you have the excuse to actually feel free to meet other men and cheat as well. Marriage is great and being single SUCKS! So keep your husband, and have fun on the side as well. Once your husband sees that you are glowing and happy from having the attention from another fabulous man, he will kiss your ass and stop talking to any other woman. Be strong, be smart and be above the situation. It’s hard but, DO WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU!
written by lonnieb, 12 November, 2011
what is one more story worth? I have just read the horror of my life in all these lives. 27 years, numberless affairs, 7 children, some grown,some just children. I am dead. Just dead or wish I were. I can’t breath, I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I can’t move. No matter what I do there will be pain, horrible horrible heartbreak, he doesn’t cry, He doesn’t feel. He just wants life to go on as usual. I am dead. What difference does my story make. None!
written by why did i get married, 16 November, 2011
Me and my husband have been together for 8 years and married 6 months. We have 2 young children and had them before marriage. We started dating when I was 17 going on 18 and he was 18. We been together ever since. We are both now 26. Last year I found out the 2nd worse news of my life. My husband has been having sex with different trannies on multiple occasions. I confronted him last night and he denied everything. I have the proof. I got the number in his phone and ironically it was saved under wifey. I want the whole world to know what kind of low life he is. He has cheated on me in the past but with a girl. I know he has issues and I cannot help him. I want a divorce asap. I am still young and can create a new life with my kids. I want him to feel the same pain I’m feeling but even worse. He said he’s going to kill himself. But I feel no pity on him. He made his bed now he will lie in it forever. The is still very new and very raw. My chest hurts and I can’t even function properly. Only time will heal...smilies/sad.gif
written by jo flemming, 28 November, 2011
After reading your stories, I have to tell you two years ago I stopped my husbands affair, I knew it was happening but went into total denial at the beginning I tried to stop it made accusations but he denied it all so I had to go along with what was happening until the right time when I knew I could end it, even though it could have gone either way, he stayed with me and said at the time he had been trying to stop it but was frightened I would find out from someone else and as she was a bit weird was worried about whatshe would do, we had celebrated 30 years of marriage had 4 grandchildren and another on the way, she was 35 yrs old he was 53 and I realise now was going a crisis in his own world with business and other things that he was involved with no excuse, we had counselling renewed our vows and although he has been so different two years down the line I am still wondering if I did the right thing like some of you I don’t want to be alone but the hurt never goes away and when around you, you are watching people have affairs and what they are going through it makes it worse as it just opens it all up again and your mind goes through it all again,all the hurt and pain again but that will happen whether you are together or alone, will you ever get over it, no you either live with it and focus on the good things or you just let it pull you down and ruin the rest of your life I’m going to get on with my life and focus on the good things, life is too short you cannot change the past but you can ensure the future is better, so I will stay and work at it, hopefully with time it will fade away good luck to anyone going through this be strong you have to be for yourself.
written by Ann Marie, 23 December, 2011
I wish we could return to our pre-marriage days, it was so much better.
Now we have been married 40 plus years, and after the I DOs were done my husband changed. He wanted nothing to do with me. No affection, intimacy and no sex. I was tossed aside like an old trash bag. I was young, hurt and depressed I couldn’t figure out what happened, and I needed to know. I begged him to open up to me and finally he did. He said that he wanted to try marriage, and he didn’t like it. So he told me he had no feelings for me, he didn’t want any attention, affection, intimacy, and no sex. He didn’t want to father any kids. I was told to go else where if I wanted kids. We only had sex a couple of times and I enjoyed it. I explained I have needs, and again I was told to go else where. Just after our wedding he started working nights ( he wouldn’t take me on a honey moon) and has been on nights for 40 years. He has never slept with me, he sleeps in the spare bed room or or down stairs where hes built a small apartment type thing where he now spends all his time. He goes no where doesn’t use the phone and he has no computer. He seems to be a very lonely, angry man and I don’t know why. I should have left years ago, but I thought things might get better. I accepted long ago that this is the way my life is suppose to be. I do need someones shoulder to cry on. Its way to late were in our 60s and stuck with each other.
written by Sibylle, 30 December, 2011
I am shocked to see that there are so many people that are in the same boat as I am.
I am married for 23 year and currently still married. I found out in May that he had an affair while traveling with work. I have to state that my husband was in the military and was constantly deployed or gone on some missions. This affair now made him call it quits and he wants to be separated but not divorced because of tax benefits. He has had an affair early on in our marriage but promised that he would never hurt me like that before. I have found since that he has had at least 4 other affairs that I have prove of. He has also a large porn addiction.
I have three children the youngest still at home.
I feel as if my heart was ripped out of my chest and as if I lost the ground under my feet.
I found much prove of porn on his computer. I should mention that he has work now that kept him away from home all the time. There were times when I felt like a hotel because he came home to wash his cloth and pack again. I am sad, angry and hurt but I do think that he has a sex addiction or possible an addiction to the feeling or being in love the infatuation. He just returned from Afghanistan and is on his way to spent the New Year with his affair. How could a father put a woman above his children.
The milk is spilled now it is time to clean it up. I am just not really sure where to go and what to do next.
written by pattipoo, 14 January, 2012
Oh, Sibylle. My story is almost identical to yours except that I have 31 years invested in my worthless Air Force husband. He is with his co worker/whore right now and I just want to die. I have no way out and he knows it and doesn’t care. I feel like I’m dead. I can’t even cry anymore.

written by Loser Wife, 25 January, 2012
Wow. I just read through most of the stories. Mine is different and the same. I’ve been with my husband for over thirty years. For 6 1/2 years we didn’t have sex because he "couldn’t" I never raised the issue because I did not want to make him feel bad so I just lived without it. I attended counseling on and off over the last three or four years and whenever I was asked if I thought there was someone else my immediate and sincere answer was no, he’s not like that. In September of last year I found a recent picture of him on a woman’s Facebook page. Believe me, she wanted me to find it. I questioned him, he denied ever having sent her any pictures – even though he clearly had because it was a mobile picture – and swore that he had dated her years ago but didn’t have any contact with her. Of course, I kept digging and just one month ago found out that he had a relationship with her for nearly four years. They spoke, emailed pictures and videos to each other, met on occasion and even exchanged gifts. He still continues to deny the extent of the relationship and has only admitted to the events that I can prove. I know he is still lying. He is very remorseful and all of that but I feel like a fool for staying. It seems to me like I am absolving him of any wrongdoing by staying. I don’t want to be divorced again, not at this age, but I don’t know if I can hang around feeling like a fool. We have begun counseling but I seem to be the one most interested in it. I’ve decided that from now on, he needs to be responsible for scheduling any future appointments. What has hurt me the most is the lying and also knowing that my husband, whom I’ve know since I was 17 years old, can be such a disgusting pig, emailing naked pictures and videos of himself doing things. I don’t know where this will end but the more I read of other people’s stories, the less freakish I feel. I too am alone in my situation because I cannot tell anyone about the things he did other than I found out he was cheating. Also, what kind of an example am I for my daughter and granddaughters? I would never allow them to stay with someone who had done to them what he has done to me. What hell this is.
written by Freedom 50, 02 April, 2012
Ladies, I too was married for 30 years to a guy that liked young men, gay porn and was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. He hung out at gay bars and still to this day don’t know how many young men he was with. We had 3 sons and I stayed for them. I think after 20 or 30 years, you make an effort to make it work, but it goes both ways. Although I gave him many chances and went to therapy with him, he never stepped up and changed. I became a woman that was walked on and told I wasn’t good enough. I told him that I couldn’t live like this anymore and I was leaving. He begged me to stay and I did. Time and time again. I was desperately unhappy for years and was always looking for a way to get out. I even drove at night from work on the highway wanting to drive right off the road and kill myself, but I had my children to live for and I knew I could find happiness. I found a therapist for myself for free through some government funded session and my life started to turn around. I needed the courage to make it on my own. It was the toughest decision of my life. I had lost my job, but managed to save a small amount of money aside, and made my move. I set a date on the calendar of when I was leaving and moved some of my treasures to a friends house. I told my husband that I was leaving for the last time and I was out of chances. I had enough. He threw me out of the house with my son who was the only one left at home at that time and the clothes on our back. I went to a friends house who accepted us and looked after us. There were times that I wanted to go back, because I didn’t think I could make it, but I did. Two years later, now at 51 years, I got another job, saved my money, got him to sell our house and got enough from the sale of that house for a down payment on my own house. I am finally happy, I have my freedom and my life back. I still struggle with self worth but have met a wonderful man, who is a "real" man. Someone who loves and respects me the way a relationship should be. So ladies, stand up, be strong, know your worth, today is the first day of the rest of your life, a new beginning of excitement and happiness. Everyone can make it, it just takes determination and a willingness to make a change. All the best to you. My prayers are with each of you.
written by Swede Edie, 11 May, 2012
My husband and I just hit our 30 years in March. The 1st time I fell in love with him was great. Our son was born after 8 years of being together and yes I am one of the few lucky ones. He has ALWAYS been with us. Only few times while in the hospital over the years. Out son now is 22. I had such a chaotic last 2 years and he has been very supportive. But I can say there were times I didn’t want to go home and even look at the man much less anything else. but we got thru it. If you think falling in love the 1st time is great...try the second time to the same man. When I leave this earth I have learned people have looked for love like I have for 3 life times over and can never find it. It has taken me a long time to realize that and I am sure glad it didn’t come at a time when it was too late. No one is perfect you cannot force anyone to change they do it on their own and at their time.
written by annnovel, 29 May, 2012
well i can relate to most of the writings on this site,
but can i just say get out if your husband is unfaithful
and there is hope, not all men are the same,
there are good one,s out there.
written by Tigiboule, 01 June, 2012
I’d been with my loser for 30 years, when I discovered he’d been paying for prostitutes, and just had this total other sex life. I kicked his stinking ass out 7 months ago, and I am fine.( yes he tried to give every excuse-a load of crap if you ask me) Screw these kind of people. The way to deal with it is NOT deal with it. There are 6.5 billion people out there. If WE are honest , then there ARE other honest(AND goodlooking people like ourselves) guys out there for you to choose from. I am shocked by how people go on and on deciding what to do!!! Get ahold of yourselves and get RID them,how can you even for one second accept this!?! They know what they are doing and they know they are dishonest,HORRIBLE. SCREW them!!! Do I have to say it again??? I went and got some new clothes and some new furniture,might go on a trip, and I suggest you all do the same!! Enjoy the rest of your life. And you didn’t really waste your life(on them) because you have had your own life and have enjoyed it anyway. Being by myself is a piece of cake after that emotional torment anyway. Now I have nothing to worry about. I do have the company of my cats, They’re great!!!!
written by Rob at Balirsville, 18 June, 2012
Thinking about leaving after 30 years. I guess I never became the man she hoped to weave in her web. I am seriously thinking about bailing however I have a nine year old daughter who would be devastated. I got to get out, just don;t know when or latest goal is March 2013. (ten years too late).....gotta to get out of here....
written by SurfinSallie, 21 June, 2012
I have read all these stories and they scare me to death because this is much more common that I could ever imagine. Most compelling is the story about the man who has created this outward reality for the social world to see when at home he is completely different. But hearing how it was described that this happy family masked his other I have rewritten this many times now, and I can see that it can take decades for these patterns in our marriages to become crystal clear and prompt us to take a next step. Mine is a legal separation and this being the date of our wedding 37 years ago, well, it is just very very sad for me. I know he thinks I’ll change my mind, but that’s because after 12 yrs, I filed because he pretty much didn’t want to be married anymore (actions/words/financial disasters he caused) and many many months later, withdrew the filing (all because I was insecure and stupid) much to the surprise of his family.
there’s no withdrawing this filing. This is the real thing, I’m gonna get my groove back! Ha!
written by Karalyn, 27 June, 2012
I have been married for over 35 years. I never once looked at my husbands phone mostly because I felt there was no reason to do so, yes I totally trusted him. Last year he asked me to go and get his old mobile phone and charge it for him as his current one was broken. I did so and as i plugged it in messages came up. Of course you can imagine what was to follow. He has been seeing a woman that I KNOW behind my back and lying to me for ages that once a week in the evenings he was going out to this and that friend. I believed him. I was more than devastated. This is a man I have known since I was almost a child. I trusted him totally and implicitly. Once it was all out he told me he would have no more contact with her and even went to her home to APPARENTLY tell him it was over. Sure !!! He is still in contact with this home wrecker as she is divorced and it seems her specialty is to screw other peoples husbands.. Nice woman eh? He told me recently he has absolutely no contact with her and doesnt even know where she lives any more. Lies Lies Lies and more lies. I have a lot to throw away, two wonderful children that I adore. He blames it all on the fact that I am two stone over weight. Maybe thats true but dare I say Im still pretty attractive and other men find me very much so. I was always so secure and now I feel like a totally lost child, one who has had her entire world crushed not knowing how I’ll go on. I am lost and need advice. We went to a marriage guidance councellor because HE wanted to and of course I carried on going but HE stopped because he could see the councellor was siding with me without making it too obvious. He will lose the best and most loyal person he has even known in his life...and I have lost my life long soul mate.
written by Loser, 29 June, 2012
After being with my husband for 33 years I found out that he was in a cyber, if not physical, relationship with an old girlfriend. Pix, videos, they even went to dinner and she was in his hotel room . . . I’m still here but it is torture. I’m 52, I have nothing to offer. If I leave I will be alone forever. I deserve better but this is what I’ve Got . . . And I hate it,
written by empathiser, 17 July, 2012
its fear which stops one ot take a major step. its good to connect with people with similar situations and we can provide each other moral support.
written by Woken up, 17 July, 2012
3 years ago my husband of 18 years told me he was having an affair with one of our employee’ s wife’s . He rang me from another country to tell me. I knew something was going on with him but was heart broken to find out this is what it was. I got the I love you but aren’t in love with you story. I stacked them and made her move out of the farm house but they kept it going for another 4 months. I came from a broken home and with 4 kids and a business together I worked very hard to get him back ? After 5 months or so and him sleeping in a different bed etc we were back together ? I later found out that this was his second affair with a staff member. I. Stayed with him for the kids and financial reasons? Three and a half years on and I don’t trust him , he says he loves me, I know I don’t love him, when we have sex I I can think about is the other women. I married him because I loved him and trusted him he was nothing like my father let he has done exactly the same thing and worse that my father. I have put everyone else first, but now I want to end it. Can’t believe I took him back? My counselor said good people make bad decisions that doesn’t make them bad people. But that’s bullshit as I would never do that to someone I love , why can’t people be honest say they aren’t happy , before they go off and have affairs. To men it is just sex , the excitement and they move on , but it stays with us women for ever. I’m 48 have lots of fun things I want to do . Once a treater always a treater after reading all of these stories it just makes me realize leaving is the best option. Thanks tigiilbole
written by Hurtbeyondbelief, 17 July, 2012
We will celebrate 30 years in January, and have had ups and downs. 22 years ago he left to "Find" himself, I was 28 years old and had 4 kids under 7 years old. You know the story – there was a women involved BUT he has always sworn they were just friends. Recently I found a private message between him and her indicating a lot of things including they were more than just friends (which I always felt) but more hurtful was the fact that they were planning on meeting again. I’m crushed and feel like I just wasted 22 years of my life living a lie and with a liar. He says he doesn’t want to be with her, and she is supposedly "Happily" married – but sneaking around on her husband to meet mine. Keep thinking first time shame on him, second time shame on me.
written by lillybeth13, 23 July, 2012
Have to been in a marriage for 30 years. We have had up and down like any other couple, but since I have reached the menopause my sex drive is not the same and this has become a big issue and he has moved to the spare bedroom. I am lonely in a marriage and feel we are at a time when the children are grown that we should be having more social life and having fun, especially as we both work so hard, but he won’t go out or moans about money, even those we have reasonably savings and can afford more of a life now. Do I stay or do I go is something I will have to decide but unless they are some changes will make the move to go.

written by clemetine, 12 September, 2012
I have been married for 35 years, unknown to me my husband has cheated on me since almost the beginning...not with women but with animals until a couple of years ago he moved on to prostitutes. He was sexually molested by his sister for years when he was a little boy so hens the sex addiction...He was 2 different people...I do love the person he presented to me all these years, but now I know I can never trust him either
.I want to leave, but I don’t know how to start over at my age, 56, he has gotten help and wants our marriage to work...
written by ChavLee, 13 September, 2012
Oh my goodness. The sadness, the awful marriages we have put up to help bolster the pathetic men who we married. I have been married for over 33 years and have two wonderful children, 26, and 21. They are only reason I have stayed this long. For the past 12 years he has been having affairs with men. He finds them on Craigslist and other porn sites. It is pathetic, and demeaning to his family. He has never shown any remorse, only regret that he got caught. I have twice allowed him to stay because he promised to stop. He just escalated his gay activities. Tried to tell me he is not gay.

Why am I still here? I am in therapy to get the courage to tell my children and family. They will be devastated. He lies and lies and lies. I do not know why I continue to try to get him to tell me the truth, he won’t. His conscience has been singed and he has no thoughts except where to get his next gay encounter and how to lie to me. He has increased his drinking too. He isnt happy but likes the front that he is living as the successful husband.

I am also not looking forward to going through all the divorce legal issues and properly dividing our assets. I hate , hate, the idea of paying anywhere from 10000 15000 dollars for legal fees. And I am not worried about being alone. I have been alone for the last 12 years. I haven’t had sex or a relationship in over 12 years and I think I can only be happier. Why do we delude ourselves into thinking that what we have is better than being alone?

I don’t know how to find a good mediator.
written by the women men adore review, 27 September, 2012
Hello.... My advice is that don’t leave your husband...You spend 35 yrs with him and shares all happiness and sorrow’s of life.......If there is any problem in your relation then sort out the problem.Don’t break the relation...Breakup is not the solution of any problem....
written by fear had me, 07 October, 2012
married for twenty yrs to a man that answered my first question with a lie. now in twenty years it has been pure hell mostly. found out about sexual additions for girls and boys and don’t be shocked. He is a very respected man in community, it would probably scare women where their men really have been and how far down the trashy pole they have slide down, i helped w/h with counselors. Always an excuse in the ways to help. So I got up one day after a hard day’s work night before and he is in his poor pitiful me mode, his preacher friend was coming over w/wife to look at houses in our comminuitgy. husband looks at me and tells me to go get a bra on and make some coffee. twenty years just seem to double in that one statement, all heel broke lose when I told him to make his friends their coffee and never tell me when to put a bra on. Guess why his best friend and wife have the same problem with porn hard core so my husband wants me to be covered when his friend came over? So today was my day to step out of the lies pain and defeat of it all. Oh yeah main thing today I found out about was the question I ask my husband on first date was HAVE YOU EVER BEEN WITH MY SISTER? today was the day of truth. Yes he did and sisters best friend prostitute. I need more than this. He has robbed me of love affection feel happy, I had always lived in fear. We as women need to wake up we are dead with what we have, I do know that i will enjoy my single quiet-life until God blesses me with a new love after 20 yrs, I am free, I am free, stand up raise your arms to the heavens and shout I am free!!!!!!!!!
written by fear had me, 07 October, 2012
Best predictor for your future is the past history. Lies defeat. they all have an excuse. If you don’t respect yourself no one else will, get up and say today is the day. I will not allow this in my life any longer. You will see life through clean pure eyes. Ladies God did not make us stepping stones God make us as help mates, not do it all mates, stand tall ladies.
written by Anxiety attacks, 11 October, 2012
Found out year ago husband had affairs with 3 women (physically).....205 women on internet chats. Been married 40 years, children grown and not living at home. I want to believe him that he is done by his eyes are so empty when he looks at me (especially in bed. Do you think its true, once a cheater always a cheater?
written by Wanda44, 13 December, 2012
Society and television glorifies infidelity and divorce. When you watch television, they glorify J-Lo having affairs; Brad Pitt leaving Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie; Dwayne Wade leaving his wife for Gabriel Union, etc. They make it seem normal. If you are a person of God, nothing is normal about cheating and infidelity and the bible warns against it. But as the person that is getting cheated on, you have to remain the bigger person and continue to be the person God intends you to be. The husbands and their mistresses will not be blessed. The Bible says "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. If you have the gift of discernment, or what some call "women’s intuition" then you KNOW there is an affair going on. But hold fast to the word of God and he will either straighten up or God will remove him from your life.
written by mattyou, 16 December, 2012
I have been with my wife for 12 years. She has informed me that she is not sure if she still loves me. She says she loves me but not sure if she is in love with me. I think it is all a load. I have always been there for her and pushed her to so the beat at her career. Now things are starting to happen in her career and all of a sudden she is not sure. We have a 5 year old son and she say I am the best father in the world. I ask her what I did wrong and she tells me I did nothing wrong. How does this happen. We are still living in the same house but I can tell she is just moving farther away right in front of me. I have tried everything I can think of but she refuses to accept love. Any advice?
written by Teresa G, 22 January, 2013
I can’t believe how many men cheat... I too have been married for 23 yrs... I have 2 beautiful, wonderful children that are 21 and 18... I am also raising a 1 yr old niece. I had only known one man since the age of 15... My husband cheated on me twice before we were even married... Only 1 that I knew about until recently... He had a 4 yr long affair a few yrs ago and I took him back because I loved him... Things are always good at first and then turn back to crap. His last affair was while I was helping my Dad take care of my Mom who was dieing of cancer. My sister and I took Mom camping and my husband went off to NJ to meet a girl he met on FB... Her husband called me and clued me in... I kicked him out 1 1/2 yrs ago and we have been off and on until a couple of months ago... I met another man and had feelings for him... His wife left him for another man after 21 yrs of marriage 6 yrs ago .. worships the ground I walk on but I have done nothing but cry today... I moved in with the new man and hes been wonderful but I found out the husband has moved on already... I left my house and the kids and took only the baby and my little dog... I don’t know how to move on without being depressed.... any advice??

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