Past Comments – My wife had an affair and she still talks to him

written by Guest, 22 August, 2006

I guessed, Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... not just a feeling. You are really suffering. If you can’t forget what she did then you haven’t totally forgiven her. And face it, you don’t trust her anymore. You don’t call a friend that much a day, do you? I’m sorry, she’s still cheating on you. You need a soul-searching and self healing. Only you can help your self, with or without shrink’s help, it’s always up to you. Either stay with her and die with depression or pack your things and be happy.

written by Guest, 08 September, 2006

It’s time to leave!

written by Norman, 13 November, 2006

Been there, done that... guess what? It doesnâ??t work. She has no respect for you, the marriage, or what you have built together. Trust me when I tell you that she is still being â??intimate" with the other man. The "Just Friends" shtick is total and utter BS, big time. Get out now, take all you can. Leave her and her "man" to fester in that sickening soup of lies they call love. She is not worthy. You and she are not even reading from the same book, let alone the same page, thatâ??s if she can read. Go now my friend. We are not here to live in pain and fear. Claim your birthright, which is happiness, and let them get on with their â??romance." Be Free...

Be done with it!
written by Joe-been there, 01 February, 2007

Every time she picks up that phone she is crapping on you. I know. She is saying that his feelings are more important than yours. If she’s done with the affair and wants to be with you, she needs to prove it! Judging by these dates, I hope its still not going on. No man should have to be coupled with someone who has no respect, care or regard for their husbands well-being. You can get back your respect and dignity by refusing to accept such abuse.

Of course you can’t forget!
written by Joe-been there, 01 February, 2007

And of course you can’t forget, the other guy is practically living with you.

love
written by Ahmad, 24 February, 2007

If you love her, you must forgive her and give her your love more than before....

My fiance constantly talks to his ex-wife.
written by Lussya, 23 March, 2007

I have the same emotional problem. My fiance and I have been together for a year. He is a very good guy, the ideal for me. After he got divorced (3,5 month ago) he started talking to his ex-wife again. They hated each other while divorcing (2 years), didn’t talk at all. Now they are best friends and he talks to her 5-8 times a day (he calls her first). When I say I feel bad about this situation we usually get in a fight.
When he started talking to her, he was lying to me, saying that he didn’t know anything (she tried to confront me by e-mail) and that he just needed some time to take care of this problem and he wanted her to go away. When I found that he had been talking to her all this time, I flipped out, told him I would leave. He didn’t let me go, proved he loved me. And now when I see his phone bill he says that there is nothing wrong with talking to your friend. And, as I see, he doesn’t try to make her go away anymore, but he calls her first (like first thing in the morning he does when he leaves the house – calls her). And I feel he loves me, he comes home every night, he would never cheat on me, but all those talks won’t stop! I can’t deal with it. I don’t understand how they became the best friends that he talks to her more than he talks to me. Please help. I don’t want to loose him, but I can’t take it any more.

written by leave her, 23 April, 2007

Leave her or love her? Hard to pick

written by Keith Curry, 23 May, 2007

My wife had an affair too. My advise to you is if she still talks to him then she doesnt love you anymore. She calls him a friend? You should leave and start over. Get some help if you need to. Once you have been away for awhile you will start to feel better. I feel for you, I have been there.

written by same boat, 30 September, 2007

My wife does the same things, always some excuse for her actions. She is a liar and a cheat and will never change.
I am trying to stay though as long as I can until the children are old enough, I owe them as much. We don’t fight but she will never stop cheating. My "wife" started cheating right after we were married and has never stopped for 18 years. She only married me to take care of her kids from her first marriage, they are now out of the house. I need to stay another 9 years and then I can go.
I hope that things work out for you but they don’t look good, that once a cheater thing rings true. If you don’t have children then I would get out. She has no respect for you and is only concerned about herself. Whatever you decide, God Bless

written by hard life, 18 February, 2008

Lussya, you say he would never cheat on you, I don’t believe this. My wife was as close as anyone could be, she met a friend at work, one thing led to another and I had to tell her to go. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but we have a 12 year old son which she forgot about too. But as hard as I tried to make her see what she was doing to our child, I was always the bad guy. But now that we are divorced my son is with me 95 percent of the time and I think she realizes now I was not lying to her, only trying to keep him from getting hurt. She told me this guy was a friend for over two years till I decided to check our phone records. She was calling him like 140 times a month. I still love her and try to get along with her for my son and it is hard some times. But as far as saying he will never cheat, I myself would rethink that. I wish you the best however it turns out.

written by beatrice, 05 March, 2008

I have almost same situation in reverse, other half cheated but still continues to have contact with her despite my telling him he should hang up on her if she calls and if that it is indeed truly over – then no contact is needed. What to do? Weighing options... very hard to trust again and always looking over your shoulder -- do you move on or stay hoping that it is just a passing thing and is done? It’s hard and you live with the anxiety day after day -- may need to eventually do something and that might mean walking away. Oh, by the way contacted the wife’s husband, he was in total denial of continued contact after the affair was over, quite a jerk so he was not much support in trying to convince him that continued contact between them was not good. I have repeatedly told mine that if she calls him again it will be over -- also weighing option of telling husband wife still calls my other half, just to check on him, what a joke!!

written by My Wife Cheated Too, 05 June, 2008

After 7 months of counseling and trying to get her to come clean and be honest, I had to say good bye. Couldn’t take the lying and deception anymore. She said that "nothing happened", but spent an amazing amount of effort to cover it up. Since having her out of the house and little contact with her, I am MUCH happier. I highly recommend that you leave her or get her out of your house. Whatever you have to do to show her that you are serious and that separation is inevitable because of HER actions. Now my wife (ex) wants to be with me again. I told her it was too late. Too many lies have been told. You don’t do that to the ones that you "love". Sorry sweetie, but it’s over.

written by Guest2, 20 June, 2008

I’ve been on the cheating side, and basically found this site when i was reading writings on how to catch a cheater, to better know how to cover my tracks.

With this perspective in mind, to the original poster: it is not over. When it is truly over, she will have little interested in talking to the guy. Sorry to have to confirm your fears.

That being said: do not become depressed or think on suicide. His actions is not a comment on your worth, but it is instead the shortcomings of his own choices in life that has put him in this position: there is something he needs physically or emotionally or both that he is not getting, something he has always wanted all along. This kind of need does not just go away.

Is it any consolation that the cheater’s life is a dreary one? That he chooses to lie and stay together is depriving both of you of true intimacy and happiness. But there may be legitimate concerns that is the reason for this, most often the children you both love. But on the other hand, you only have one life to live, so I worry about the poster who said they ‘only have 9 years to wait’ to get out. that is no way to go through life either.

I wish you the best of luck in finding happiness. maybe you can do it together still: either you need to learn not to ask questions the answers to which you might not want to hear, or he has to make peace with that fact that need he has will never be fulfilled. Both are very difficult propositions. It is often just easier and better to just start over, all things being equal.

written by A Guest, 01 August, 2008

Respect matters a lot in relationship. My advice is leave her. Thinking of committing suicide or hurting yourself won’t solve the problem. I’ve seen some families with this problem, and ultimate it ended with the heavy loss of the husband. So please leave her.

written by Jeff R W, 25 November, 2008

My wife had an affair I found out a few days ago.. It hurts but God still wants it. Kids still need you. Try counseling and let her see the pain and cut it off. Go find a Christian Church and go. Get counseling. I am as hard as it is.

written by R..., 18 December, 2008

I’m the so called "other woman" who was promised the world until his wife found out. Then WE all did counseling. That was another joke...but here’s the thing....he went back to his wife and he has never stopped trying to see me or contacting me. We’ve spent nights together and went away together since he’s gone back home to wifey. We’ve been intimate many many times and if I did not put a total and complete end to it finally, he would still be coming back....so the post where she’s talking to her ‘friend’ every day, um she’s still involved with him. NO QUESTION.

written by happy to go, 18 December, 2008

Hi,

My wife of three years had an affair when everything in our life at that time was going great – not only did she have an affair but became pregnant, told me it was mine but said that we would break up if we had the baby (we already have two children), I wanted to keep the baby but seeing her crying and getting depressed really hurt me so I went along with her to get rid.

When I found out about the affair I realized she got rid because of the affair – she killed my child for him, he is also married with two young children.

She tells me she is so sorry, that she loves me, she tells me the affair is over, I think it is because I confronted him and slapped him a couple of times (it felt really good), I have attempted suicide, got a tattoo to cover the scars – I don’t know how to fix this, sure how can I fix something I taught was not broken.

I just found out I have a brain tumor & will not be hear much longer anyway, I have changed my will & made sure my kids get everything – I feel the more love you have for someone the worse they treat you – my wife is a bitch with no respect for me or herself

Looking forward to the end

written by rubin, 23 December, 2008

Wow, listening to all the comments is quite sad. I myself am married to a women that I love her so deeply. There is nothing that I would’nt do for her. She is my best friend. Until one day I found the cell phone bill in the trash. She had been having an affair for 3 to 4 years with her old work boss. We had been married 5 years. I can now understand why for all those years she was acting quite peculiar and distant from me. I was absolutely devastated when I found out. I read emails of hers to this guy and my heart was truly broken. There was so sexual content I wanted to die. She was confessing love and marriage to him and he was to her. He was also married. When I found out in the summer I approached my wife and she denied it, until I showed her the evidence. 1 week later she said it was over between them and he had dumped my wife. I told her that this is the job of a womanizer. Tell them you love them, wine them, dine them, put them in frilly knickers, f**k them silly and throw them in a cab home to their husbands at the end of the evening. He ran back to his wife quicker than a cowardly greyhound out of the traps.
My wife then wanted to try and reconcile with me and was quite remorseful. The one thing that frustrates the hell out of me is that she wont come close to me and when she’s drunk that’s the only time she’ll either come close to me or confess how much she’s missing this guy.....6 months down he line. I don’t know what to do. I love her and want to come close to her but her barriers are up.

written by Cat N Mouse, 16 January, 2009

This one is easy I was your wife and I know when it ends either by you catching her or by him finding someone or just her walking away what ever the reason they cannot be friends....
You deserve more... I see was back in 2006 I hope you moved on to some one that would love you fully.

written by PIMPIN, 28 February, 2009

OMG, I cant believe your dumb enough to stick to her. Screw that. Leave her now. I’m sure you’ll find someone new and even better!

written by One Who Learned the Hard Way, 13 March, 2009

Leaving is easier said than done, trust me, I’ve been there. We grew up together, lost our virginity together, and had 5 kids. In 14 years of marriage we barely fought, and never once mentioned divorce. Then, out of the blue, she walked in and dropped the "affair" bomb on me...utterly destroyed me and the kids...so I thought.

I chased after her for about 2 months, then finally realized the woman I grew up with, the mother of my children was gone...and this "new" person was standing in front of me. I had to grieve the loss of "my" wife, like she died. It was hard, but didn’t take as long as I thought. Once you overcome it, you will quickly realize the "new" person isn’t anyone you want to associate with. Ask her nicely to leave, and when/if she completely ends communication with the "other" man you might consider exploring a relationship.

Funny thing, and I’ve heard this a lot, the sooner you disown her, the more likely she is to come running back to you. All the cliche phrases, like, "You don’t know what you got till it’s gone", "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", and my favorite, "You want what you can’t have"...well, as soon as you take control of the relationship and leave her, she will come crawling back (especially if you have kids). Trust me, it happens a majority of the time -- probably in 3 to 6 months by most accounts.

She likes the chase and women by nature, since the beginning of time (Eve, Garden of Eden) crave what they can’t have. If you’re a good father/husband, she will want you back.

What you need to work out over the next 3-6 months is the answer you will give her when she asks "Will you take me back?". Right now, your knee-jerk response is "hell yeah", but slow down chief. That "hell yeah" way of thinking isn’t healthy. Keep her at arms length, guard your heart, then start rebuilding a relationship the healthy way -- with about 3-6 months of marriage counseling.

Whatever you do, don’t give in too easy/earlier -- it is imperative you rebuild your relationship on solid ground. Explore your hearts to better understand what led to the affair (you are partly to blame as well), and improve your communication with each other. The only way to rebuild is with professional guidance and a lot of prayer.

One last note, women want to be with the alpha-male. Alpha-males recognize right/wrong and take the high road. They turn away from cheating wives and hold their head high. They exude a healthy pride and confidence -- which is partly what attracted your wife to you in the first place. So, leave her and be confident in your decision. God bless...

written by sad person, 17 March, 2009

I am a wife who has been having an emotional affair with a co worker for 5 years – it stopped 6 months ago when his wife read one our emails. We have had little contact since then until recently – and now are slowly getting back in touch. Although we have not been unfaithful we have kissed and touch a lot – share our inner secrets.
We didn’t mean it to happen and for a while I kidded myself it was nothing to do with my relationship with my husband – existed in its own bubble. We are best friends. I am not blaming my husband but we have been together since college and I feel like part of the furniture – completely taken for granted and he is taken up with his work and hobbies (we both work full time) – does not listen to me or pay me any attention. I know he loves me – but I don’t feel he cares for me. He has no idea about the OM and would be devastated. I have 3 boys – I don’t want to break up my family or my OM’s family – I just need him in my life in some way – because he makes me feel special and we have a strong bond. I do know I have lost the feeling of contentment I used to have – but even if I stopped any contact with this man – I would always hold him in my heart. We are not all alpha women – we are just human like everyone else – with weaknesses.

written by SoHurt, 27 March, 2009

I am in exactly the same position. 7 year marriage & 3 kids completely destroyed in 5 words "I am having an affair". When she confessed, I kind of already knew, but wow, nothing prepares you for that shock & devastation. I’ve been through all the emotional cliches in the last 4 months, big time, and we’ve been to counseling for 3 months. I’ve since found out that she’s been texting and talking to the guy since the day she confessed & blatantly lied about it. Each time I confront her I feel like the bad guy, (and I really despise what this whole thing is doing to me), and she promises to stop. Maybe she has stopped but I seriously doubt it, her phone never leaves her side, and on the rare occasions I’ve sunk low enough to check it, any incriminating history has been deleted, like she’s showing me "see I’ve stopped calling him". So if it has stopped why does the phone never leave her side, unless she knows it’s safe to do so? I threaten to leave and she begs me not to, and I’m seriously worried what she’d do if I did. I think she has had some sort of breakdown and she’s now a stranger to me, I don’t even know if I want to be with her even if the affair is over. My biggest mistake was trying to make it work. If I’d kicked her out she’d have gone to him and suddenly realized that this wonderful emotional drug she’d been getting was actually a total fraud, and in the cold light of day it doesn’t deliver anymore. Unfortunately because we stayed together she still has a totally rose tinted view on what she’s missing. I cannot even comprehend what splitting up would do to me. I really do not want to be that sad weekend dad living in a bedsit pondering where it all went wrong.
As for the comment above from sad person, "he makes me feel special" yes of course he does, it’s pretty easy to do when you don’t live with him – grow up!

written by Sad person, 29 March, 2009

To Sohurt – If your wife says she does not want you to leave – I am fairly sure she means it. What she is struggling with is – you can’t just switch off your feelings overnight for the other person. And even if she could stick with no contact – it won’t stop her thinking about him – and yes with rose tinted glasses. For the sake of the children fight for her. The hardest thing for you will be to curb your anger (a natural instinct). If you show her kindness and patience whilst you give her time to recover she will be grateful. The no contact rule is cold turkey and therefore very hard to do but actually the best way to get some separation from her emotions to start with. She will lapse because it is a grieving process – if you have the strength show her some understanding but you can make it clear you patience will not last forever (but do this calmly without anger.) You are right it is an emotional drug/addiction so you should think of it the same way. What you both need is time and I am not sure you can ‘make it work’ until she has moved on from this affair – ie. started to let go – so perhaps set your expectations lower for now. This will test your patience and it is hard to love someone when you are angry. I am back in contact with my OM – but I am trying to keep him out of my everyday life / limit my emotional connection/ meet less/ speak less. I can cope with this at the moment – but this has taken 6 months – he is not now my first thought of the day – last at night – am learning to let go.
My husband has not found out fortunately – I give him all the emotional support he needs and have been focusing on being kind to him. Makes me feel less guilty. Things might be different if he knew and I suspect he would react as you have. Forgiveness, time and patience are better than causing more pain for both of you in a separation.

written by old skool sailor, 20 April, 2009

I’m a Navy Sailor, been married for nearly 10 years, and we have 2 kids. We went through the trials and tribulations most married people go through. But the one thing I’m still having problems dealing with is ADULTERY that took place while I was out to sea defending my country and taking care of my kids and wife (at least so I thought).

Jan 2005 my ship went out to see for 6 months, the 1st 3 months were ok for the most part. In Feb., my wife got a job at an Alternative Behavior center for kids. I was happy for her and supported her for this career. The problem is she cheated with this individual. What gave me suspicion was I called her one weekend she went out to the club with these co workers. I called her cell the one time (I did listen to her voice mail). The call came in at 2:41 A.M. and a man was saying "girl where in the hell... is you at...” That’s when my suspicions increased. I ended up looking on her cell phone bill at sea and notices there were 2 #’s in particular that were called more than 20 times a day.

I approached her on it and she got defensive saying I was invading her privacy. At the moment I felt bad for what I did. Also I could not prove it. ****Long story short**** July comes around we get back to American land. The family was there. She acted like everything was ok. It was still on my mind but I was enjoying the moment. We were intimate for a while. The fall came around; I made a copy of all the calls made during the cruise. Come to find out my suspicion was true. The had cheated on me, and in months to follow found out there were more.

I confronted the guy on a couple of occasions. He in turn started to send me pictures, videos and both of them going at it. The thing was she never knew just a trophy to him. She also had admitted to me there was another one from work, but it only happened once. That guy also told me himself & also had proof.

The last time it happened. Was N. Years eve. 2006 We were both arguing. She told me she was going to help some co-workers setup for the n.y. eve party. I didn’t stop her around 10 am. She ended up getting drunk there, f#ck!ng the 1st guy, giving him oral, he GOT HER PREGNANT and didn’t get home until 8:30 Jan 1st 2005.

She lied to me on that also. She told me she got drunk and stayed there. I went the entire night not knowing where she was. Didn’t know how to get to the house.

She lost his baby even though she denies herself being pregnant. The hospital told me the truth. I ended up cheating on her after all the stuff she put me though.

SHE FEELS I WAS WRONG FOR WHAT I DID. I did not open up the can of worms.

2009 we are still together. But I’m still not turned on to her as much as I use to. Also she went years telling me she don’t perform oral sex. But the video clips this guy had of her said other. “IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO BE JEALOUS OF HER GIVING ANOTHER GUY I’M GONNA SAY IT "HEAD" AND NOT SHOW INTEREST TO HER HUSBAND”? THE SAD PART OF THIS ALL IS THE KIDS. WE KEEP IT FROM THEM BUT I THINK WE HAVE OUT GROWN EACH OTHER. SHE SAID IT BEST; RIGHT NOW WE ARE JUST ROOMMATES.

CAN ANYONE REPLY TO THIS, I THINK I’M ONLY WITH HER FOR THE KIDS SAKE. I STILL LOVE HER THERE HAS BEEN GOOD TIME AFTER ALL THE NON SCIENCE BUT I JUST DON’T GET THE RISE THAT I USE TO.

LAST I DON’T THINK I CAN TRUST HER TO THE NEXT TIME I GO ON DEPLOYMENT.

I WELCOME ANY REPLY.

written by One Who Learned The Hard Way, 22 April, 2009

Ummm, maybe I’m missing something, but "Sad Person" is a cheating wife who is addicted to an affair and can’t stop. You want your cake and eat it too...you’re advising those faithful among us to stand by a woman while she figures it out? And by "figures it out", you mean have sex with another man?

Huh? Are you serious?

Please, there are lines in life you do not cross, adultery is one of them. I am in favor of second chances and forgiving her (do that much for your kids), but if she continues, it is unhealthy to remain in that relationship. Have you ever heard the saying, "If you permit it, you promote it". That is the message you are sending to your kids. You need to GET OUT!

Despite what you think "Sad Person", your husband (the loving faithful example to your kids) sticking by you and supporting you while you continue an affair is like giving a crack addict a $100 and bus pass downtown.

The devastation of learning about an affair is humliating and demoralizing; it takes away your breath and your self esteem. The sooner you can overcome that grief and start to rebuild your life, the better father and future-husband you will be. That healing can’t start until you leave her. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to recover.

Unfaithful spouses are similar in some ways to the worst criminals on the planet (sad, but true) -- they are not governed by societal or spiritual boundaries. They say it’s almost impossible to reform a criminal who commits sexual crimes, even harder if they are a repeat offender. Wake up fellows, the woman you married is likely gone, unfortunately forever. Your only hope of getting them back, and it is remote, is trying to move on without them. God bless.

written by Sohurt, 25 April, 2009

I agree with everything you say in your reply. It’s just so hard. I have good days and horrendous days. I’ve done everything I can to understand why it happened, I’ve never got really angry with her (maybe I should), I’ve never thrown her behaviour in her face and I’ve tried to put myself in her shoes and figure out what I would want in her position. But there are some things I just can’t get over and when the dark stuff takes me back to that place in my head, all the stuff I know about the affair haunts my every thought. I’m worried that even if it is over between them and we do recover to something approaching what we had before that this knowledge will continue to set about destroying all the good work we’ve managed. She doesn’t know I know so much and I wish I could erase it. It’s the little things like the fact I know she met up with him in a hotel on the same day we went to see our 5 year old perform in his Christmas nativity play. How could anyone be that callous? I can forgive her a lot but surely any decent person would have canceled such a meeting or at least postponed it. Do I really want to be with someone who could enjoy sex with her lover in a seedy hotel bed with our sons sweet sweet Christmas songs still ringing in her ears? Now I feel totally trapped. She won’t leave, I can’t leave my 3 boys, let alone imagine what she might do if I did. She constantly lashes out at the boys for no reason and it’s starting to affect them, especially the eldest. My family have all noticed her behaviour, and are really worried but I can’t confide in them truthfully as I no it would destroy any chance of repairing the damage. How can she recover if everyone knows what she’s done. I am now having to lie to my family & friends, the very people who really love me and should be supporting me, in order to try and give us a way forward. I feel like I’m betraying them like she’s betrayed me & the boys.
Some days I just want to confess what’s happened to them, get everything out in the open, stop the lying, but I tell myself this would not only destroy any chance of repair but would be a self indulgent act by a feeble person wanting sympathy. This has worked up to now, but I just dread my mum will take to one side and ask me what’s really wrong. I would just breakdown. She would be devastated. The only person who knows is my older sister who’d been absolutely brilliant. I find myself now becoming more & more indifferent to my wife, which is even worse. She’s totally wrapped up in herself & her depression, with little concern for what it’s doing to me and it’s wearing me down. I just feel like such a mug for putting up with it. Maybe if I’d kicked her out and been less understanding she would at least have respected me. I’m now in a position where I know my behaviour (depression/not sleeping etc) is pushing her away even more, and anything that goes the slightest bit wrong will get her back on the phone to him. But I just feel she is not doing nearly enough to win back my love & trust (she seems to be going out of her way to destroy any progress we make all over again) and there’s only so much a person can take without getting something back.

written by sad person, 26 April, 2009

You sound in such pain and it makes me feel incredibly guilty but also thankful that my husband doesn’t know. I know I have to deal with extricating myself from this other relationship (for everyone’s sake) and that is hard enough for me to deal with on its own. When you are in an ‘affair’ you don’t think rationally – in fact you choose to ignore your normal character and do things rashly / deliberately without thinking (because deep down you know it is wrong) so the meeting on the same day of your sons nativity play whilst upsetting for you, would have just been a thoughtless act by your wife. Aside from your sense of betrayal your pride is hurt as well – don’t torture yourself with the detail.
As you probably realize the reason your wife is lashing out is because she is stressed, upset and feeling guilty. Getting angry and kicking her out is not the answer. I actually think it is better that less people know (somehow the more people know the bigger the hill to climb to get back). It is not about pretending everything is alright it is about holding onto ‘the normal’ in your life (even if it is an act) especially for the boys. It good you can talk to your sister. (I have a younger brother and would rather he spoke to me than worry my mother – and he does). I have one person I talk to about this relationship – a close friend. You both need timeout. Your wife needs to go away and reflect on how she is going to get through this – maybe for a weekend with a girlfriend. And you need a break to ‘shut down’ a bit. Do you do any sport – something that will allow you to switch off and allow you to try to relax. I also think if you sat down with your wife and talked calmly (without getting angry) about how you are feeling – it will have a greater effect and she will respect you more. Anger will just give her an excuse to go back to the OM. I think it is important for you to explain what upsets you but to let her know you are trying your best to hold the family together. Tell her you still love her but forgiving her will take time. She needs to be patient with you as well. Before she can win back your love and trust she has got to put this relationship behind her / learn to live with it. I will always love this OM – am learning to live with it and get on with my life. That is my way of dealing with it – trying to ‘get over’ him doesn’t work. I have accepted I probably won’t and somehow that makes it a bit easier to deal with – takes the pressure off me. But I owe it to my husband and family to love them too – and I do. One step at a time and don’t expect too much too soon. Sorry you are going through this.

written by sad person, 26 April, 2009

To Sohurt – following my last note – just remembered something which helped me.
Remind her what she would miss. I had a blazing row with my husband a few months ago (mainly because I was stressed over the OM and the strain of keeping it from him). He was being disagreeable for various reasons. His way making amends was doing chores for me – some of which were long standing repairs etc. I had given up on. Meant a lot to me. The other thing that happened was we went out as a family on a trip and really laughed over something together and it was then that I felt we were going to be alright. (like lifting a heavy weight). I realised it had been a while since we had done so. So maybe that might help find an escape where you can laugh together again – it makes you forgive a lot. Good luck.

written by pinkysquid, 15 May, 2009

To Sohurt:
What you are going through is exactly what I’m experiencing after recently finding out about the other woman...how your wife is behaving tells me that she is still involved. You are not allowing yourself to react normally – you are still covering for her, putting her feelings first. You need to stop, because she’s already putting her feelings first, and no one is going to look after your feelings if you don’t. You need to get counseling for yourself – marriage counseling takes the back seat for now. You need to get yourself mentally and emotionally healthy – for yourself, for your kids. She may wake up and realize what she stands to lose...or not. Right now, you need to set limits for yourself (i.e. if you find she is still involved, are you ready to ask her to leave?). I had to do that...it was the hardest thing ever because I love my husband and know the husband/father that he was and could be again – let him know I wanted him, but not the way he was. Lots of prayer and family support got me through it. Find someone you can confide in to support you and pray with you. You will never see this clearly trying to sort it out yourself. Trust me. It still hurts...I go to the dark place a lot. But God is good, and each day is a fresh start. I am on my way to being healed, and the fog has lifted for my husband...now, he has to shoulder most of the work in picking up the pieces – I know I’ve played a part in all of this, however unconscious it may have been. We’re working through it. I do love him, and do see that he loves me – wasn’t sure for a while there – and now, can begin to see the remorse and the man that I used to know.

And Sad Person – wtf? You should not be advising anybody – you need to pull it together and end it COLD TURKEY. Or tell your husband you refuse to so he can move on with his life. You’re a mess, and your decision to self-destruct is your right, but why pull your family down with you? Loving this OM and pining for him does your husband such an injustice. And the truth is, an affair is just a FANTASY. OM gets the best part of you, and your husband gets what is left over. And OM, if he’s married, is doing the same thing to his wife. The FANTASY is easy because you don’t have to deal with the REALITY of everyday – marriage, kids, chores, work...all of it. If you lose your reality (husband, family, good times, unconditional love and support – that is part of the reality too along with the crap) you will regret it forever. And if you ended up with OM, FANTASY over. I feel for your husband. And for you. You are so lost. You are truly a sad sad person. Get help.

written by richy boy, 14 July, 2009

Amen pinky she dug the hole jumped in and now wants someone else to pull her out she acts like shes the victim to hard to go up that hill she made that hill god Im glad I didn’t go down the road even when I was cheated on I got out then went on with my life

written by Tired of it, 11 August, 2009

my fiance is the same way, cheated on me (while I was upstairs asleep no less) and wants to continue this relationship with him. She has to choose now which relationship is more important to her. I’m all for second chances but she has to end it with him. Period. I’m not wasting my life being miserable. Otherwise she’s getting the boot. I’m fed up with this. Considering telling her parents what she did before calling off the wedding.

written by rock, 20 August, 2009

alright. i need help friends. My wife and i almost split due to constant fights. We called it off. She met a guy and they became friends. Then she started developing strong feelings for this guy and he too really liked her. She did not want to end it off with me with a divorce, but did not want to let go of him. I read her messages and there were many sayin gnite hun etc etc. They were never physical though. One day i told her i want to end this off since she already has moved on and it is my time to move on. I cried a lot that day because i really really love her. Same evening she called back crying saying she loves me and cannot lose me over a like. As time passed (1 week) she said she would talk to him as a friend because she felt she really hurt him and what is wrong in talking as friends. They talk every single day now with constant sms when i am at work. When i come home there is no sms between them. She asked him this, and he said well i am giving youll your space???
She goes once a while with this guy for a walk or for coffee, and she texts me in front of him that she loves me very very much..
We fought yesterday because i told her i am getting frustrated that she talks to him every morning without fail and this goes on for hours.
She says she is just friends with him now and enjoys talking to him, since she feels liked and loves attention from people.
Please give me advice guys cause i know she hasnt been physical with this guy, but if i do not put a stand now it may lead to them getting closer day by day..

written by ugghh11, 05 November, 2009

I have a question. I am married to my wife now for 9 month and found out last month that she was having an emotional affair with an old boyfriend that she has kept in her life for 10 years or more now. He is married and has been for 3 years now. I found out and we decided to work on this and go to counseling. I bought a really good book called "after the affair". The counselor has said in the 2nd session she feels that my wife is holding back almost as if she is waiting for something.. To which we have to also see separate counselors so that we can open up more and kind of see our own differences. However it may be the old boyfriend has been a euphoric affair for sometime with her even during the year he had gotten married. Although she has confessed to not having sex with him since they were together, their flirtatious emails spelled out differently. So I cannot really tell. Nor has she come out with the full details and doesn’t want to read the book. The book is for two people who want to work past this sort of thing. What should I do?

written by justwantfamily, 16 November, 2009

my wife cheated and lied. i tried to forgive. i tried to work it out. she is addicted to him. he is bad news (sex offender) i dont want my two young children to lose the family life that i dream of, i have hung on for them mostly. its over and i am going to have to move on. anybody out there been in my shoes and can give me encouragement- especially regarding well-fare of my kids?

written by A wife, 26 November, 2009

I am a wife and mother and breadwinner in my household. I began an emotional affair with a co worker 6 years ago – just grew. (have not been physically unfaithful). We have tried to break up twice – including recently – but our bond is intensely deep. My husband has no idea – because I keep it in a corner of my life that does not affect being a Wife, mother etc.... always come first.
Life isn’t black and white – the bottom line is I care deeply for this man and he for me. I know in the ‘black and white’ world I should break off contact – not always that simple. We came back together recently as he is about to lose the 3rd member of his family to cancer and is crumbling under the pain – turned to me for emotional support – has to be big and strong to his family but can weep with me.

Not making excuses but just giving a female view.

What I will say is part of the reason it grew was on a very simple level he listened and appreciated me, made me laugh and vice versa – think sometimes in a long marriage we forget to do this.

written by Joni Rodreck, 17 February, 2010

People should never give excuses 4 their failing relationships. I an affair’s not pulling well people must settle the issue. I have a prob with women who can’t let go of their past in the name of friendships. I personally am in a situation like that, ma woman cant let go of her exes. She talks to them daily and worse in ma presence she does it as well. It is so painful man and i really understand what you going through. My advise though, never give up on someone you LOVE.

written by Anotherone, 22 February, 2010

guys just been there. My wife with whom I have a 15 moths old boy just cheated on me physically a month ago. She had for 6 month a chat and phone relationship with an old school friend until he came by our town and she cheated on me 2 nights. I had 6 terrible month at work and I was not as present and just realized all of it after it happened. I now have moved out. I am very sad and feel really sorry for my son. She keep saying is justa friend and that she will not cut the "friend" relationship she has but she wants to go back with me. There is no way. It will be really easier to go back together as we have been for 6 years but I can’t leave with someone I don’t trust. I need time to get over it.

written by emptyshell, 05 March, 2010

i found out my wife had an affair three days ago. its been going on for six months. started the day after my birthday, and she says the last time was a week before valentines day. we have a beautiful daughter together. We’ve been married for almost 5yrs, together for almost 10yrs. We have had our differences thru out the years, but i never seen this coming. One of the main reason i asked her to marry me was because she felt the same why i did about cheating, that is, you dont do that to someone you truly love. i told her from day one that one strike your out, i’ve dealt with this before in previous none marriage relationships and i will not put up with it anymore. now that i have a daughter to consider, i find myself trying to make up excuses to my statement. i love my wife with all that i am, but all the love i have is locked up. and i dont know if i can ever give her my love again. Im beside myself watching me go thru the motions. This OM is a childhood friend of hers who was once explained as "he’s like my little brother". myself and him where actually friends at one time. i do believe that i need to let her go so she can realize what she has done. and that i need space to figure out if i am capable of forgiveness. i told her the texts and calls need to stop or i wont even consider the possibility of working on this. she is not the woman i married.

written by Been there done that!, 15 March, 2010

I went through the same thing my friend! We are still together 12 years after the affair. We’ve been married for 30 years. The pain never completely goes away, you just have to deal with it or leave. The one thing I would have done differently is I should have confronted her lover and told him never to contact her again for any reason.

written by Same thing here, 16 March, 2010

I fully understand your situation empty shell, my wife cheated on me with some guy she met on facebook (A complete Stranger), it blows me away every time I think about it. This happened about 7 months ago to me and I still struggle with it to this day, I have my good and bad days. I guess its a little easier for me cause the guy is on the other side of the country and it was a one night stand for her, she just up and went to the west coast on a weekend claiming it was a business trip, a little poking and prodding and I was able to figure out the truth to it, she is a pretty good liar. I recommend getting the book, "Surviving an affair" by Willard Harley and going thru that book, both of you. It helped me get sleep on nights I couldn’t. I do still check up on her from time to time, I have to, but she is truly sorry for what she has done. We do have two little ones and that makes it really difficult to just make that move and leave but as long as she is willing to work this out I will stay. Oh, I did ultimately go to her Mom and Dad about this (Exposure) and I think that was the turning point for us. I agree with most on here that you need to figure out what she needs to hear/understand that will make her realize that this could be it and she could losing everything if she doesn’t get her act together.

written by reciprocity, 27 March, 2010

Hi, well my case may sound absolutely ridiculous to most of you, as I guess my wife has not yet gone physical with this man. Been married for 20 years and lived a very happy life. Things were going great (or so I thought)until I discovered she was unfaithful. Thing started thanks to f..book and its net. Well, all of a sudden her ex boyfriend form childhood times was pressing her with f..book messages. I understand she liked the attention. She never came forward to me and said what was going on. She was checking her mails too often to my liking, so what I did was "fake" this man’s identity and started mailing my wife. For a month she was all over it, checking mails at any time of the day and responding quickly to my "passes". Funny thing is, she did not concede to meeting for sex, but she did accept to start a virtual relationship. At home I was a loving husband and payed her a lot of attention, but she never opened up to me. Still to this day, she does not share her feelings with me. I know this is not a strong story as the others, but I am truly devastated all the same. Does how I feel count? I have confronted her with the truth about ME mailing her and she became very angry and told me that I interfered in her right to "discover" things for herself. Now this man is really reaching her and I know that she has looked him up on f..book. Really don`t know what to do, as I have both tried deception and being open. Fear the marriage is over. Been depressed and all, you know the story. Even consulted a shrink for some months. But the feeling of unfaithfulness keeps coming. I cannot forgive her for turning me into a jealous man. Before, when I trusted her fully I was a good husband, I admit I am not any good right now. Sorry to have disturbed you with my story,if too lame.

written by lostinlove, 01 April, 2010

My wife and I have been together for eight years. We have a seven year old daughter together. We have been through some struggles throughout our marriage, but we have always weathered them by sticking by each other. In December I suffered an on the job injury that has kept me off work since. My wife does not work, but she trains dogs. When I went off work she began staying gone more. Instead of one or two training days it became four, five, six days. Then she began not coming home at all or early in the mornings. I wanted to believe in her but everything was becoming so blatant. I ended up finding a Valentines day card she had written to her dog trainer. It was thanking him for being so good to her and for all the great sex. Even though I had suspected this, I was devastated. I confronted her and she said it happened once, but I don’t believe that is true. I found lots of other things that she had posted to him on Facebook that also disputed that. She has admitted to having feelings for him and she still goes to this "training" several days a week. She still calls, texts him and has pictures of him all over the house. She calls him a friend, but I know it is more. We still sleep in the same bed, but no sex. She has asked for a break to decide some things, but I feel I have been on break from her for months. She still says she loves me, but she doesn’t know how we get back to where we were before with all that has happened. I have been trying very hard to stay composed and understanding, but it gets harder everyday she continues the same behavior. I love my wife, but believe I have already lost her. She still has not said that she wants me or wants this to work. I’m so lost.

written by WTF, 12 June, 2010

I’ve been happily married for almost 12 years. I have supported my wife when she wanted to go back to school. When she converted to another religion. When she would go out with her girlfriends. I took care of our 2 girls and did the cooking and cleaning. We didn’t fight, we got along so well her friends would always say how jealous they were of us.

Then she went to Europe to visit her mom and brother. I then find out she’s not happy. When I talked with her on the phone she sounded happy and said she was. She then went back to where she grew up and hooked up with an old boyfriend. She hasn’t seen him since before I knew her. They had an affair and her mom who she was staying with didn’t stop her and yes she knew about it. I was destroyed and all I want to do is fly to Europe and inflict some major pain on this guy and that day will come. It’s all I can think about. She said it was a mistake, but they went at it more than once. I can’t have make love with her without thinking of her being with this guy. I said we should start over, go to Vegas and get married again. When she isn’t with me all I can think about is her being with this guy. So here’s my question what did I do to deserve this? I’m a good guy, I’m attractive and in great shape and I was always there. What happened? I can’t get her to open up about why she did it. I just want to know why. I want to fix this but is it worth fixing? Like I said I need to find this guy and put him through the pain I’m feeling. It does feel good to write this out.

written by My secret diary, 33, IL, 01 August, 2010

my husband cheated on me, couldnt possible remember how many times it s been. i forgave him when he came back. he didnt even said he was sorry and all. now he thinks he can tell me what to do and not to. to hell with him. now i am doing all possible things that could make him jealous. i pretend on having an affair with somebody else. i wanted him to feel what he made me feel. im driving him nuts. i wanted to get even for everything he did to me. i wanted him to feel the pain of being cheated... a lesson for him to learn.

written by DConfused, 21 September, 2010

My wife continues to speak with a "just a friend" with her secret cell phone.

written by Endured a lot of BS with cheating wife, 13 October, 2010

Don’t get married.
Your wife is lying to you – guaranteed. DO NOT believe anything they say.
I wish I would have left 6 years ago, when I found out about the first one. As of tomorrow – I’m outta here!

written by confused???, 23 October, 2010

My wife and I were having a little fight one day, and I stupidly said that I wanted this to be over and done with. Now, leading up to this, I was a total jack*** and was constantly visiting various dating sites, with absolutely no intentions on ever meeting any of these people that I met on there. So after this fight, she comes clean and says that she did have intercourse with another guy that she had et on an online "Sex" site. And she states that she is sorry, feels bad, and hurts from hurting me. Since then i have found her talking to another guy in a completely different state. I found out about it and stayed level headed and calmly asked her to please stop talking to this guy. She says that she isnt 12 years old any more and im not her father and that she can talk to anybody that she damn well pleases to talk to. I havent really confronted her. I have though sent him emails stating that he needs to step back across that boundary that he had crossed and leave us alone, never message us again. And 3 weeks later, she is still talking to this "friend" in another state. I think that she is lying to me and he is maybe in the military, and she actually f’d this guy, instead of this other person that she wont tell me the name of. I am in the military, and have her by her ovaries, and i could clean her clock with all the evidence that i have. I guess that i need to count my blessings that she didnt get pregnant from her "Fling".

written by Wanting my love back, 31 October, 2010

I can relate to all what has been said. I worked down south and my family came to live there. They stayed about 4 years but the schools were terrible so she went to live with her parents in another state. We would meet once a month for a weekend since it was two states away. And also we would be together on holidays also. Everything seemed fine I had a business there and was making good money. I said that I would try to sell the house and move there, but the market wouldn’t move the house. The start of the second year she was having trouble in the female area and they found a tumor and needed surgery. I came to the hospital and did not leave her side for 5 days helping her all the way. After she got out they said she could not have any hormone replacements. It was about 6 months later she said that she was talking to a guy friend at work but just friends. All along she said they worked and talked only as friends so I left it as that. In November we were going up north to be with the family for the holidays but she had to work so just the kids and I went. She said that he asked for her to come for thanksgiving to his house she said no and went to her girl friends parents instead. When I brought the kids back I told her I had sold out of my business and was coming there and was going to move. I was going back to pack and she told me that she had been seeing him for awhile. It really hurt since we had always told each other anything before. I said I was still going back and moving there when I got there and was packing I called her she was at a girl friends with my daughter and I asked to talk to her she wasn’t there. I tried to call her and she didn’t answer the phone. When she did call back I asked her she said to the store but then finally said she went to see him. I went in to a panic attack I went out in the snow and started to hyperventilate I passed out and when I came to I was in a chair and the EMTs were there they said I had taken drugs or was drinking but I had neither of them. I had to go to the hospital because of the police. They released me and I was at home she came that night with me. The next day we were talking and she told me everything I lost it again and went into the closet and sat just shaking wanting to die. Again the police came with the EMTs this time they made me go into the hospital because of possible suicide attempt. I was in for 5 days and she came to see me and get me out. She said it was all through with them and it was done. That has been told to me all the time she still would meet him and have sex. They said they were only friends and nothing more. She was always distant from me and would not just drop him she would always say she was going to end it but never would. Saying it wasn’t fair for her to loose a friend. She just opened up to me on October 15 telling me and her family that she had been with him again in the summer and met him at the park but she found him with another woman and he broke her heart she had said she loved him and he loved her. I still wanted to repair the marriage but she wanted some space so I went up north to give her that. She had been texting him since I was gone and she went to see him and tell him what she thought. Her family is totally against it as are her true friends. My kids said if I leave they will go with me. She says that I will never trust her I really try but then It gets thrown in my face so many times it is hard to trust her at what she says. He has a common law wife who he keeps doing this to. She went as far a looking at a criminal background on him and found he was convicted of domestic violence and harassment and 2 failures to appear in court so what soes it say about him. I get so depressed that I want to od and make all my pain go away but I have my kids to think about. I don’t know what to do I am about to loose my mind again. I dont want to loose her to a complete loser like him. I have tried to tell her how I feel and write her all the time. What was really bad she had a separate cell she had bought to text him. When we would have sex together she would just say hurry up and never look at me that hurt a lot since before she was so intense when we would. I feel I should just give up and die. Sorry for all the writing.

written by twindad, 18 November, 2010

You have all made me feel normal. My best advice, listen to music. Find it odd that men write deeper music? I use to.

written by j811, 17 December, 2010

I truly felt that I was the only one dealing with these feelings of pain. I recently found out that my wife was cheating on me. We have four children that mean the world to me. My wife just recently started cheating on me and I don’t know what to do at this point. My first reaction was rage. although I would never hit a woman, that desire was certainly there. After I found out, she flat out told me that she no longer wanted to be married to me. She had two encounters with this guy and many conversations on the phone and has confessed her love for him. She told him that he was the best thing that has ever happened to her. I remember hearing those words along time ago. We have gone to counseling (twice) and came to the conclusion that it is over. She had completely turned off her emotions to me after I showed frustration with the condition of the house when I came home from work about four weeks ago. From that point on I felt like I was nothing to her. She started cheating shortly after that instance. She turned her emotions like a light switch in an instant. Literally in one day she loved me and the next she didn’t. At first I thought it was depression, because she has dealt with bouts of depression in the past. There has been one other instance several years back where she had turned off her emotions to me completely. It took six months to repair our relationship. We went through counseling,and she received psychotherapy and was diagnosed with depression. Things seemed pretty good after that experience. I am still seeking a rational answer as to how someone can completely turn off there emotions for someone in a day. Someone who showed love and affection one day and then completely turned it off the next day. We are currently living together and have held off any plans for separation or divorce until after the holidays for the sake of the kids. I can scream at the top of my lungs, or ball my eyes out and get no reaction what so ever. At this point, she disgusts me and i can barely stand being in her presence. She continues to talk to this guy and has no plans of stopping even though she knows that it is tearing me apart every day. i know that she plans on seeing him the future at any given opportunity. he lives about an hour and forty-five minutes away and she has made plans to see him even when she knows I have access to her email and Facebook. My biggest question in all of this, is how she can she continue to do this, even though she knows that this is tearing me to pieces. She says she still cares about me, and I know she does, but my situations is a mystery. i have never gone through anything so devastating, and she shows no remorse in her actions. I am puzzled. The only place that I have found any resolve and joy from is from my sisters and brother. The have showed their overwhelming support for me and the kids. I suggest that anyone going through this type of situation, looks for those who care about you,and can help you through these tough times.

written by hurten bad, 19 December, 2010

Its all the same situation, the wife wants what she doesn’t have or thinks she doesn’t have!
Mine has had a relationship with an old lover she says 10 years , we’ve been married 30, my guess is she NEVER stopped talking – F-ning him. It hurts daily, it sucks, but me the fool loves her, she says the same, but she wants her cake and eat it to... she stays up after i go to bed, or goes to bed REAL early, so we have NO relations...she says her body is changing and.... that’s what it is...I am no fool... 30 yrs ago we were like rabbits and now nothing....

written by Sassy69, 21 March, 2011

I can tell you what you can do... (Oh yes I am a women by the way) If you wife/husband cheats on you no big deal. Go on a date web site get to know the women, Some women will help you for this, (trust me) She saved you for being in hell with her for the rest of your life. Now you can enjoy life. Go find you two hot women. Make sure the kids are gone and out of the house. Make sure she is coming home and start having sex with the two women as she is coming in. What ever you do, do not stop for what so ever no matter what happens. Say oh ya honey you laughed on me being sad so I decided to take matters in to my own hands. After you done say thank you for saving me for the worst mistake that I have every made witch was marrying you. I know its sound mean, but hell she is a witch. Cheater think they are all that. Um Ya ok...Your not chop liver. Your a good person, Good looking. Their is a shit load of fishes in the sea. Their is nothing wrong with even in the bible. She already killed her marriage. This is a eye for eye and a tooth for a tooth.
Or lets do it the nice way just leave her ass. She saved you for living in hell. Their is no stopping her she going to do what she wants to do.

written by MyChoice, 24 March, 2011

Wow. I wish I’d seen this about 5 years ago. My wife cheated on me in 2005 after 22 years of what I thought was a happy marriage. I was completely unprepared. We never fought, had a deep friendship, a good sex life, and a beautiful home. Her progression into a nasty, hurtful, and selfish stranger was surprisingly fast and directly related to the contact she had with the other man. She lost her moral compass and left everything behind. I didn’t know how to handle that devolution and character loss. I took on the blame and sought counseling figuring I could ‘fix’ the marriage. Nothing worked.
Despite my pleading requests, she left us (me + 5 kids) after months of cyber-sex and two cross-country visits to the guy.
One of huge discoveries I made during counseling is how to deal with the emotions of being cheated on. The confusion and inner anger I felt came from the breaking of faith with the one person closest to my heart. When you give that level of intimate trust to another person you love, there is a surrendering of choice... a loss of protection and even control over your own inner safety. There’s no avoiding it if you want the benefits of a true love. The risk is that there’s no insulation, no shield, no guard between the softest parts of your soul and the knives of betrayal. I was completely unprepared for the hurt that followed. I know now what I never wanted to know... how hell feels.

What I did learn was that the road to healing begins with taking back that control, strengthen the gaping hole in your heart, and learning to walk without weeping. First off, control comes from claiming the right to either forgive and move on without her, or work it out together. I didn’t choose the affair, she did, but I did get to choose the outcome.
Strengthening my emotional self was a little more difficult. It wasn’t natural for me to have a barrier around my heart and live with a presence of mixed trust. Thinking of my own interests and well-being was alien as well. Taking on interests outside the home, exercise, and improving my relationships with my kids help tremendously.
Lastly, learning to walk in strength came with a lot of help from my friends. One of the trends in raising a large family is the lack of time for friends and over time I became somewhat isolated. Now I’ve got friends to talk to and lean on. I’m active and physically fit. I developed a new craft and skill in photography. There’s lots of purpose in my life now away from a personal relationship. Perhaps not ideal but so much healthier.

I never went the route of a ‘get even’ affair. Although I can see how satisfying it would be to get revenge, I realized it’s not my nature. For now, I’m still a one-woman man.

In the end, I did decide to have her back. It’s been about five years since she returned and although I wish it never happened, I’ve grown a great deal. I also wish I could say it’s all in the past. Just three weeks ago, I discovered that she’s been renewing contact with her lover. It’s ‘dear’ this and ‘honey’ that in their chat sessions. There’s little doubt that cyber-sex is involved as it was before. Funny thing is, I’m not as vulnerable this time. I actually know that I can do this. In fact, now that the kids are old enough, it’s most likely I’ll ask her to leave without too many regrets.

Bottom line...take control of your own life man.

written by Matt Turner, 04 April, 2011

Thanks for that last post. Beautifully stated.

written by whtvr, 24 June, 2011

My wife revealed an affair by collapsing on the floor and telling me she was "hurt in a relationship" and could I help her? It got ugly after that. She has BPD. We are still together, but I don’t like her, even 5 years later. I am "sucking it up". Shit

written by Stephen H, 27 October, 2011

My wife’s phone bill went from £15 per month to £109. All to the same number!.
That’s how I found out she was cheating. She tried to pretend her affair was over but they just changed numbers. She lied and lied.
It is a few years since you wrote your question but, as I am sure you have found out by now, she was still cheating on you and had no respect for your feelings.

I am still living with my wife while she sees him and texts him all day long. She won’t leave and nor will I and divorce, with four children, is very complicated. It is a living hell. I have every hope that it is all better for you now.

written by getin’byplayin’dumb, 14 November, 2011

The pain is unbearable at first. But after it happens over & over it’s just annoying. Once a cheater always a cheater. Biaches love drama. If she can sleep at night knowing what she is, what ever. I’ve got kids & would rather stay than split. I try to do what’s right for my & my kids wellbeing. If I ever feel the need to leave I will. I’ve had the chance to get even, but I have to live with myself & won’t to stoop to her level. She’s going to have to keep cheating for sex, because I’d rather stroke it in the shower than dip it in her nasty hole. Stay strong minded guys. They AIN’T worth it! There are plenty of other women out there, as if you really need more problems.

written by t x, 02 December, 2011

My wife and I had been married for a year(now for 5 yrs) before we had our first wonderful child, my precious baby girl, I love her so much, and after the second girl we had a year and a half later, she said she was better off without me. Time goes on, I lost my job in the recession, and started another lesser job with long hours, and I would come home miserable. I now know why. She had been planning a new life with this fat prison tattooed bum since almost right after I stopped working. She had met him at these witchcraft classes that I didn’t like her going to. Class was only at night for some reason, and she started staying later and later. Then she wanted to party, and wouldn’t even come back at night at all many weekends. So I started locking her ass out of the house for the betterment of the kids, because she would wake them up and I couldn’t handle staying around all night convincing my baby girls that mommy would be home tonight. They cried a lot and made me clutch even tighter to them emotionally. My kids and I were our own world, and every time mommy went somewhere the kids would get deeply upset. So we separate, she has more affair time and a new set of disposable friends and I hold onto my children with all my heart hoping she would come back. I start panics in the family, telling her parents, and she gets worse, I go to a lawyer and threaten to psych eval her because she is Bi-polar and out of control with covering her past anguish. She comes back. Time goes on, but relationship is never healed. She starts partying again, getting drunk, coming home later and later. (Time was only 6-8 months) I start kicking her out, and this time for good. Kids miss her so much, my older daughter is darkened spiritually from all of this, and she used to be the happiest kid anyone has ever seen. My younger daughter now will not sleep alone, and cannot be alone long enough for either of us to go to the bathroom without desperately bawling her eyes out. She is getting better. But since now the wife has been scandalous with two guys, and this second winner is a convicted sexual assaulter and child rapist of which she came to his defense on. I have never forgiven her in my heart even though I say I have to her face, we are all lies now, and the only way I can stay ignorant enough to make it work is through love making. That is not keeping my mind at bay for very long any more though and I have become severe in dealing with my children, and they don’t hug me or look me in the eye anymore (they are 2 and 3, not teenagers...) they used to be daddy’s girls, and now their mother will always make me look like a monster when i punish them and make herself look like a calm saint. When it was she that destroyed my insides, and now I am losing it all because it’s either her or the kids, I only seem to be nice to one after the first affair, and now after the second affair, I am losing my grip on everything. life cannot be this way and if i leave, she will take the kids because her rich family has rich lawyers. i no longer have the upper hand in the her being crazy case because she demanded that i impregnate her so she can be mentally normal and have the ability to stay with me. so i did. i still grow colder and more distant from my children every bad day at work. no time left to reconcile the emotional tension with my kids since i work such long hours 6 days a week to save our home from foreclosure. i even lost my faith in religion and lost my faith in suicide. i dont even shed a tear any more despite the crying feeling in my head.

written by an unwasted life, 06 December, 2011

My wife cheated 4 years after my son was born, I stayed in this marriage just for him. He’s 17 now & is about to go to college & my hell on earth is almost finished. So you guys who have kids hang in there for their sake, yes it hurts, but be a man. A cheating woman will never change, leave her if no kids are involved & leave her when the kids are grown.

written by good guy, 18 December, 2011

I am in a situation where I suspected my wife cheated last december. It all started going wrong the day she told me about this co worker she has, in her words"become very close with". That, added to the fact her blackberry never left her side. Apparently she needed her personal space. If I asked even the most insignificant, I would be accused of being controlling, abusive etc.
The day I took that phone and slammed it against the wall, she left the house...she changed to a person I didn’t know anymore. She was planning to get a flat...new years eve she spent without me and only joined me and he kids the next day after we had to fetch her cos her friends were to drunk to bring her home.

Its been a year. And I can’t believe that the total 360 deg personality switch was just "out of the blue". I can’t shake the feeling something happened. It just so happens that around the time she decided to "come to her senses" the co workers wife fell pregnant..I started hearing less and less of him to. It seemed their once "close " relationship ended immediately around then.

The previous time she wanted to leave was around the holiday period two yrs before.. seems my wifes craving for attention (and she get a heck o a lot of-she is admittedly hot) from others is more than what she wants from me.

Confused-is something wrong with me.

written by almost out the door, 20 December, 2011

Bravo to you gentlemen that are faithful. Truly that is a great quality to posses. That says a lot about your character and your values. I didn’t know that faithful men existed, I thought they were extinct.(lol)
My husband has never been faithful! I’ve given up hope for us. Don’t want it to work, or can care less if he leaves, as long as he leaves money to raise these kids.
I guess all cheaters lie, manipulate, profess how sorry they are, say it’s over, or how they will never do it again. Truth is, they will do it again, Why? because we stayed with them and that was there punishment. Some unhappy days, but they still get what they want, you and whatever you bring to the relationship. They don’t really lose anything. They get to have their cake and eat it too.

written by amused, 21 December, 2011

Its funny to read all these replys from ppl giving such sound advice, when in just about every single one of the replys, they always say "im getting ready to leave", "if he/she doesnt stop, i will def leave", "so fed up, i am really leaving"...etc, etc. My heart goes out to you, but it seems like you are just trying to convince yourselves that you will leave, when you know good and well that you won’t (at least not yet). If you were ready to leave and move on, you wouldnt be blogging about it on the internet, at least i wasnt. anyway, sorry for the cynicism, it really sucks, I know, and I wish you all the best of luck.

written by navyguy93, 22 December, 2011

If she still talks to him, it ain’t over. Get away while you still have some dignity and self-respect! For all those that say she is only having an emotional affair, nothing physical...you are delusional!! The OM ain’t sticking around for the friendship or emotional ties, he’s sticking around for the boom-boom!! Man-up!! Kick them to the curb! As soon as women/men start realizing that the non-cheaters won’t put up with their cheating, then cheating will decline for the future generations. Letting cheaters have their cake and eat it to only emboldens the next generation. I know! My wife is a no good cheating witch and I let her walk all over me. Now my daughter thinks that is normal behavior and cheats on her boyfriend who sucks it up and keeps taking her back. And I swear my boys look at me with less respect. That is until I ran her sorry ass off again and regained my manhood!!

written by joe kool, 06 January, 2012

The personality change is shocking. My wife went from being happy and being a good mother to a total blank. A selfish greedy whore who cares more about her slimy boyfriend than her husband and children. I know she’s already getting bored with her lover now that they dont have to sneak around t screw. She calls me crying wanting to start over.

written by Janet H, 22 January, 2012

Thanks so much to everyone for their heart-felt stories and the generous responses. I have a short one, but it’s confusing me.
My husband had an affair, which lasted over a year. He confessed to me about 11 months into it, and said it had ended, but I received an anonymous email telling me otherwise. We have talked, in detail since. The main reason why it ended was that the "other" woman refused to have sex with him because she said she felt awful knowing he was still having sex with me (we had sex perhaps once a week). Personally, I dont get it. SURELY she knew the deal. You make your bed, etc. Anyway, just trying to get onto the head of someone like that. Sheesh.

written by Hurt One, 23 January, 2012

This an awesome blog. It found it really helpful to read all the previous posts. We started dating in college. We made a vow to not have kids until we were financially stable. We graduated and now I have a secure job and she was able to earn her Masters degree. Our marriage was good until I started sensing that she was hiding something from me. I had bought her a new phone and I chose to stay with her old one. When we activated her new phone I grabbed her old phone. My wife strangely took it back and was quickly erasing some things. Her behavior made me dig deeper. I searched through our cell phone bills and noticed she was calling an unknown number multiple times. I confronted her about the number and she denied knowing who it was. I continued my search and discovered that the phone actually belonged to her. She had secretly purchased the phone and activated it without me knowing. Till this day she has not told me the truth about the other phone. I later located emails where she was having fantasy sex with someone else. I also located semi nude pics of my wife taken front of our computer cam. I was so enraged that I pack up all my clothes into my car and waited for her to arrive home from work. I confronted her about it and she promised me that it was all done over the Internet and never physical. I pour out my heart and explained how what she did hurt me deeply. I told her I was hesitant with staying because I believed that once you were a cheater you are always a cheater. I gave my wife a second chance and forgave her. 2 years pass but then I get that same feeling that she is cheating on my. She would claim that she was going to her friends birthday party. When I told her that I was willing to join her she added that her friend was Lesbian and only wanted women at her party. We ended upgrading our phones again. This time when we synced our phones to iTunes we both received all of eachothers phone contacts and notes. Well guess what I found. She had written a log of a date she had with another person. She included details of previous times she was intimate with him. Again I packed my stuff and confronted her. She admitted to the affair and pleaded that I not leave her. It was hard to see the love of my life cry and not think twice about leaving. I moved out anyway and rented my own apartment. She claims that it was only a one night affair. My morals and education tell me to leave her. My heart tells me to stay. Should I try counseling? Counseling will only help me with finding the source of the problem but in the end I am the one having to swallow the pain which my wife caused me. I am still researching but these blogs have strengthened my decision to leave her. Thank you all.

written by Two-Timed, 24 January, 2012

My wife began an affair in November of 2010 with someone she knew from high school. She claims it was not emotional and wasn’t planned. I soon discovered otherwise. She invited me to read her FB home page, while reading I noticed a messages tab, clicked it and found out about the whole affair. She had recently upgraded to a new phone. When I looked on the old one, tons of disgusting texts were there. I checked phone records and found out who it was. When I confronted her she was #1-upset I found out, and #2 accused me of spying on her. She ended the affair with Matt. Within 2 weeks she began another with a FB friend. I did not know of this one as I thought she was still seeing the first.

written by GL200000, 27 January, 2012

START GOING OUT AND DOING THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. COMPLETELY IGNORE HER PHONE CALLS WITH THIS OTHER MAN. WHO CARES BECAUSE SHE OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELING.
GET IN SHAPE, BUY A NEW CAR, NEW CLOTHES, ECT; ANYTHING THAT MAKE YOU SEE HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE. LIFE IS SHORT. FOLLOW YOUR BLISS AND IGNORE HER PUT DOWNS BECAUSE IT IS NOT RIGHT.

written by Sorry to hear, 29 January, 2012

I realize it’s been 6 yrs but I gotta say something.

Your wife’s a whore. Clearly she thinks you’re someone she can just walk all over, and as you stand there taking it, you are proving her right.

I hope you have seen this, and have divorced her by now, but if you haven’t, GET UR SHIT TOGETHER AND MOVE ON!!

written by nlm, 31 January, 2012

This is the last thing my cheating ex’s saw from me.

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........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
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You work too much. You have too many hobbies. blah, blah, blah. They sure like living in a nice house and driving a nice car.

Guess I am just way too Alpha and it shows. Two times divorced. I made up my mind that once someone cheats, the relationship is not salvageable. You will never get the images out of your mind.

Learned a lot about life and love in 41 years. I will not be making the commitment again. American women cannot be faithful any longer, they are on the same level as men. You find someone to spend time with for a while and move on when the thrill is gone. Always be the one in control.

written by two-timed, 09 February, 2012

My wife is still talking with the first guy. i have enough information to sink his marraige, his wife doesn’t know a thing. Do i tell her? My wife claims this would only hurt an innocent person, i said she is already hurt she just doesn’t know it. Give me your thoughts. i want to move on and not look back but sometimes revenge leads to unexpected consequesnces. What do you think-tell her or not?

written by charliehopkins, 11 February, 2012

My wife is doing the same thing – the sexual affair is now ‘over’ but she is still talking to him, meeting up for coffee and walks etc. No doubt they holds hands and kiss etc.

What speaks to me is the comments above that say:

– the images don’t go away
– it will always hurt
– man up, and leave her.

I found out 2 months ago, and we are still together, going for couples counselling. But she won’t stop seeing him. I guess it’s all over between us really, and I have to leave, even though we both ‘love’ each other. But does she love me, if she treats me like this?...and with all the past lying (for 7 months)?

I can’t stand the thought that for the next 10 years I will be checking up on her, wondering why she is late home, wondering if her shopping trip is what she says it is. And wondering, as I make love to her, if she is thinking of him whilst we are in the act of love.

Yes, she is still texting (sms) him. He has ‘backed off’ but she has not gone cold turkey on him. She is still drinking from the cup, emotionally.

17 years together, her and me, but I guess I have to go. It breaks my heart, but I guess I will be unhappy and in pain if I stay.

I never thought it would end like this. He fXXXed her on her birthday, then she denied it. She said ‘I was saving myself for you!’ Such bullxxxt.

I have apologized to her (for my part in the tragedy): sorry I was working too hard, and was often too tired for sex. She has not apologized to me at all.

I am 55 – I thought I had done with dating etc.

A big thank you to all the above posters.

written by two-timed, 13 February, 2012

i have decided to pull the plug on this relationship. it does feel sad as i felt i have given her the best i could for 20 years but she wants something different than what i can offer. i actually feel liberated. but do i put it all in the past and move on or do i seek some measure of revenge and disrupt his cushy lifestyle?

written by Been there a couple of times, 14 February, 2012

Wow, I wish I had seen this three years ago. Back then I had a suspicion my wife was cheating on me and could not prove it. Then I found 6 months of phone records from her and a co-worker. I also found a few pictures and videos sent from cell phones. She pulled the "friend" excuse too, but most wive’s don’t send naked pictures to their "friends". She finally admitted to having 1 physical encounter with this guy, but said it was no more even though the phone calls and texts continued months after that. I’ve been lied to so many times I can’t count, and I’m positive she had more intimate times judging by the pictures and text messages I did see. But she won’t admit too it. I also believe there was another time where I had the same overwhelming suspicion she was having an affair. I can’t prove that one though. Three years later were still together with kids, but it’s still hard. Sometimes I just want to know all the truth and sometimes I’m afraid. But I don’t want to keep living with this, because I’m afraid she will just do it again. Still hanging in there for the kids, I’m sorry for everyone’s tough time, but it’s kind of good to hear that I’m not the only one dealing with this.

written by First love, 24 February, 2012

Its not always a wife that cheats! All of these blogs are about women cheating.. I have been married 23 years and have two grown children. My husband has been in an
"active" affair for 3-4 years and a "I keep telling her its over affair" for 1 year. I want to be done but, he says he will never leave me. I hate my life right now. Good wishes for those that really love their spouses and are being hurt by them at the same time.

written by Don’t Leave, 24 February, 2012

I recently found out my mother had an affair. It is my worst fear that she will leave or that my father will. I hate my mother for that reason, and that she thinks it is okay to still speak to the man, but it’s not. But it’s not okay to end the marriage either. Vows are vows, and everyone makes mistakes. I think you should try to men’s it, but also you have the right to tell the woman that, hell, she should not talk to him unless she is ready to leave the marriage, and hurt her family, and make them hate her. Love is something that can only go so far, and after that, it is up to the couple to maintain that love. I don’t want a broken family, or the pain in my heart, but I want a mother, who doesn’t come with a home wrecker. She should be honest, and love and cherish the right person.

written by markozz, 11 March, 2012

My wife cheated on me for bout 2 years too.... at last made up my mind wipe my tears and left her hope for better....

written by nitish, 22 March, 2012

My wife cheated on me and continued to talk to him in spite of my telling her. Not only this she developed relation with another man while i had to be away for a long period. when i confronted her she denies everything but when i checked her call records she used to speak to them late at night or when they had just reached their office.
finally i had to threaten leaving her only then she has stopped contact with them. Maybe she has found another ways to stay in touch with them. i can never trust her again. I could not break my marriage as children future was at stake. Will it be alright to leave her once my children settle down.

written by Dying Inside, 09 April, 2012

I just found out that my wife had an affair for 2 years. They got physical and my wife got pregnant. I found out while checking tru her email and confronted her. She said she was scared and sorry and we had an abortion. We quarreled and we cried, and she blamed me for the affair because I was always away for work and was always not around. She met this guy who gave her all the comfort she needed. I was sincerely sorry for her and apologized day and night. (I was actually the one apologizing like mad, even though my heart aches every time I think of what she has done). I told her I would forgive her no matter what she has done if she would return to me and help restore this marriage. But she says she wants to think it over still as I am currently stationed overseas and can only be back once a month, she says the OM can be with her 24/7. I am in a turmoil here. I really love her, I love her more than I love myself. But why are women like this??? I forgave her, I said it was my fault, I hid her secrets from her family and friends, I stayed by her tru her darkest moment, and told her I really wanted to die, and yet she says she can’t forget the OM and wants me to give her time to rethink. I really don’t know what to do, i really don’t. I promised her I would let her think, but when I asked her when she would give me an answer, she cries and says I am pressuring her. I think I am going mad, I just sent her a love letter to try to win her back, I promised I would change whatever she wanted me to, and yet I am still so confused as to what she is thinking about. I sent a message to the OM to tell him to back off, I admit, many a times I wanted to go over and rip his lungs out, but I am afraid that would hurt my wife even more. I really don’t wanna lose her, yet she doesn’t want to give me an answer nor stop talking to the OM, what should I do?? I am again leaving for my work, I am so utterly devastated....

written by jandaid, 30 April, 2012

listen, married almost 20 years, I had a 5 yr affair my husband and I spoke once every 3 or 4 months, but I finally woke up and realized, I left the best thing I had.
About the phone calls and "friend", its not adding up, I still talk to the guy I had the affair with about once every 3 months because we are friends. My husband doesn’t like it but I give him the respect and option to be there if he wants to or I will totally end the friendship. He is still fine with it. Bottom line, others have said it, you need to have a face to face with your wife with a list of what you must have to think about maintaining the relationship. If she loves you and not the friend or anyone else, she will think and make up her mind. Give her no more than a week to decide and don’t mention it again unless she asks you, then you’ll see how well she listened and cares. Breathe you will be ok

written by WILLIAM PABON, 11 May, 2012

I BEEN MARRIED FOR 21 YEARS ALWAYS HAD PROBLEMS WITH HER SHE SAY TO THAT SHE DON’T WANT NO OTHER MAN SHE ALSO SAID THAT SHE DOESN’T LIKE SEX FOR YEARS SHE BEEN TELLING ME THIS WE HAVE TWO KID I WAS HER FIRST TRUE LOVE 3 MONTH AGO SHE TOLD ME TO TRANSFER HER NUMBER ON HER CELL TO OTHER PHONE AND I FOUND A MESSAGE TO A GUY SAYING IF GINA IS NOT SATISFYING THEN WHO IS YOU KNOW I HAD FEELING FOR YOU MY HEART DROP I DON’T SEE HER SAME SHE SAID SHE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING SHE ALSO SAID THE REASON THAT SHE DIDN’T LIKE SEX IS BECAUSE SHE WAS RAP WHEN SHE WAS 16 IT TOOK A MISTAKE FOR HER TELL ME THAT 21 YEARS LATER SHE SAID THAT SHE SHY BUT SHE BEEN TALKING TO FOR FOUR YEARS SHE WAITED FOR ME TO LEAVE TO WORK THE SHE TEXT HIM HI TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS ONE AFTER HIM HE SAID THAT HI MARRIED HI ALSO SAID THAT SHE HAD SOMEONE ASIDE FOR YEARS THAT HI WELL KNOWN BUT I’M CONFUSE ABOUT IT SHE SAID THAT HI WAS JUST A FRIEND I DIDN’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS SHE BEEN LYING LITTLE BY LITTLE MAKING HER LOOK BAD ITS FUNNY BECAUSE SHE SAID THAT SHE SHY I DON’T THINK SO SHE DON’T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT SHE STARTS CRYING SHE TOLD THAT SHE WENT TO FAR WITH THE MASSAGE ONLY THAT ALL THAT HAPPEN BUT IF HI JUST FRIENDS WHY SHE HIDING THING CRYING SAYING SORRY THAT I’M A GOOD MAN KNOW EVER SINCE SHE TOLD ME ABOUT HER RAP WHEN SHE WAS 16 SHE SAID THAT KNOW THAT I KNOW ABOUT LETS HAVE FUN IN BED FUCKING LIKE NEVER BEFORE SHE SAID IF WE DON’T FIGHT WE HAVE FUN IN BED ITS LIKE WHO IS THIS PERSON

written by Brandon808, 14 May, 2012

To Dying Inside (posted 09 April, 2012),
You did nothing wrong. You accepted blame you should not have. Marriage is supposed to be a commitment. That is why we take vows. Your wife obviously did not take them seriously at all. If someone has to be there for her 24/7 for her to be faithful then she has no integrity at all. Blaming you is proof of that. There are plenty of spouses who remain faithful while their wife/husband is overseas defending our nation. She does not deserve your protection. You don’t need to broadcast what she has done, but you certainly are not obligated to keep her secrets either. I know you are hurting, but there is healing after emotional wounds just as with physical wounds. I suggest you cut her off completely. Protect yourself and get a (reputable) lawyer and follow their advice no matter what. They are the professionals and know what they are doing. She has no motivation to change or even consider changing as long as you are trying so hard to "win her back". You are enabling her to string this and your heart along. She might realize what she is risking if she is truly in danger of losing you forever. If she doesn’t do anything at all to stop you then you have your answer.

written by The betrayer, 01 June, 2012

My husband I have been married now for almost 13 years, and we have two wonderful boys, ages 5 and 3. I just want to say that it’s easy to judge someone when you’ve never been in their shoes. Literally 2 months before I started cheating on my husband I said to my friend "I don’t know how anyone can cheat on their spouse when they have small children." The thought of it repulsed me, mainly for my children’s’ sake. But once the temptation of it was put in front of my face in full force, I now see the pull of it.

My affair was with a co-worker who would drop by my office now and then. Now and then turned into a lot, and a few months later things got intense and passionate. Just like everyone on here says...my phone never left my side. We texted at least 300 times a day and often went somewhere private after work on Fridays to fool around. We ended up having sex two times before my husband found out. I admitted everything right away and we read a couple books together to better our relationship. This was all 8 months ago.

The OM and I do still talk on a daily basis. My husband never said it was off limits to still text but he asked that we keep them to a minimum. He laid out a set of rules for us to follow, including limiting the texts and emails. Our texts do get out of control as far as volume goes sometimes. But they are never inappropriate in content. I felt compelled to briefly share my story because it IS possible to stay friends with the affair partner after an affair. I will admit that the emotional part of the affair is still lingering. I am as transparent as I can be with my husband. I hate that I hurt him and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I’m also grateful to him for letting me still talk to the OM. I have even approached my husband and told him I would stop contact with the OM if he wanted me to. Even though I value the friendship I have gained with the OM, I realize I need to honor my husband’s wishes first. He told me he is truly OK with it as long as we aren’t getting physical with each other. I know this sounds crazy, but it’s working for us, and I have a newfound respect for my husband in the way he handled this whole thing.

I know I am the one who did wrong here, but I am sick of people labeling cheaters the scum of the earth and putting us all into one category and assuming we’ll do it again. Yes, what I did was rotten. But I am not a rotten person.

written by EdPPP, 11 June, 2012

My ex-wife was caught in an 6 month emotional affair. She claimed it was just emotional, but over 70% of marriages fail after an EA while 30% fail from a physical affair.
I caught on after 3 months and told her to stop. I also told the married man to end it and they did not. Loaded a keylogger and found 6 months and 40 e-mails they exchanged. As time when on it got more abusive until I finally wrote a cover letter, attached the 40 e-mails and sent them to his wife. That ended that, but sometime latter his wife confronted my ex-wife at work and called her exactly what she was. I would not learn of BPD for a few more months, but the ex-wife has lost every man she has dated since the divorce. At age 52 my advice to her was, "Give up as you are incapable of intimacy and hurt so many people...:

written by Should I be worried..??, 25 June, 2012

I have been married 4 years in November, second time around. Life was all you could ask for at the start, once we got married, things changed as she became very cold, unemotional and unaffectionate. Life went on ups and down... She is on fb, which seems like 24/7. Last week, she was texting someone at 10 at night while I was next to her in bed ( had her mobile tilted just enough so I could not see the screen). The next morning, she had left her phone down and could not stop myself from seeing who she was texting. It turned out to be an old so call friend which she had sex with before we met. The text read that we should meet up for coffee. Her reply was "at the new pub close to his house". That morning I ask her who texted her late at that night..?? Her respond was "her 17yo son....." why didn’t tell me the truth..???? Should I have confronted her....???? Is this a start of an affair...?? If I ask questions, she says I’m controlling and don’t trust her..... At a party she had her arms around a guys who had a 2 year affair with one of her best friend which she was totally against....... Do I need to worry....??? Help.....!!!!!

written by mister, 26 July, 2012

She is right that you don’t trust her, and you are right in not trusting her.
You should spell it out – "I don’t trust you, because you are lying to me" and see what happens.
Most likely more than texting and coffee – dump her like a wet rag.

written by really though, 16 September, 2012

leave her before you hurt someone

written by Dumper, 18 September, 2012

The only thing I can say: DUMP her! The same thing happened to me. And I DUMPED her. She was cheating on me 8 years out of 21 years of marriage. Her shitty man was a dwarf nicknamed "one inch high" by his colleagues at the university.

written by Still in love, 18 November, 2012

My wife And I have been married for 17 years, and she had an affair last year with a old friend she reunited with on Facebook. The initial affair was a two weekend visit, since I found out about it the second weekend she has been home and still is contacting him. I ask her why and she says she is sick in the head. I don’t get it she hates smokers and this guy smokes and looks like a dirt bag according to her mother. I am so confused by her disrespect to me. We have a teen son and I would give her the world. I changed my way of thinking to make myself a better husband, but it seems she doesn’t care. She says she loves me, but it seems if you love someone you should respect them and there feelings. I am so confused too because my heart says stay with her, but sometimes I just wonder if it would make life easier to walk away with my pride.

written by My wife did it, 24 December, 2012

Just leave her. If she cant care about you more than this it’s over and you have nothing of a marriage to fix. Best of luck.

On a side note mine cheated and has come crawling back. I said ok and we are on tap to go threw counseling. wish me luck.

written by Mike48, 08 January, 2013

A lot of hurt people out there. My wife cheated as well. It’s been a while now so the pain has lessened. She cheated with the husband of a couple we were good friends with. We had toy’d with the idea of a swinging relationship but decided against it...why ruin a great friendship.
Anyway, I guess my wife and the husband decided they still wanted it and entered into a 6 month long affair. Fortunately it ended without them becoming emotionally attached. Now, there marriage is ending while ours is holding.
Good luck people. Time does heal, but it can be a long ride.

written by jan345, 01 February, 2013

if your wife cheat you must cheat too then leave the house and go for your life

written by jlc29316, 27 February, 2013

I found out my wife was cheating on me in December...things haven’t been going that well for about a year, so she says, she had been unhappy. Here it is, almost March, and its still going on. The reason I’ve held on is because I hadn’t been paying her much attention prior to the affair but now she is the center of my life and she has seen that. Since then she has fallen for me again and we are going to a therapist. She says she is torn on what to do, the therapist says she needs to leave him because he is no good (he is an alcoholic), but there is some kind of emotional deep bond between them that makes it hard for her to let go. I’m looking at it as she’s not trying hard enough. I don’t know if I’m being naive and letting it carry on, or I just need to put my foot down and tell her me or him, now, and walk away from her with my pride. The problem is I still love her so much and she says she loves me.

written by still sick, 14 March, 2013

My wife had an affair 4 years ago. I felt there was something wrong and could tell she was hiding something from me but she assured me I had nothing to worry about. I found a link in our computer that directed me to a greeting card made out to her name. The sender was her boss and the receive email was one that I was certain she made just for him. I confronted her hoping to put a stop to things early and she was furious that I was spying on her and insisted that nothing had happened and nothing would. Of course the deceit became more obvious over the coming months and the her cloths became sexier when she had to go to work. Your gut knows there is something wrong and you plead to talk it through simply to find the tables turned and you are being told how paranoid you are. I found that I stopped to being the spying husband she claimed I was. Not because I was checking up on her, but because of her refusal to talk to me and obvious lies. I discovered she had a secret email with the most graphic emails from this guy. Now I no longer had to play stupid because they were so unwilling to be honest. I confronted the man. He denied it up until I quoted him. He paused and said he was just a guy and I’d have done the same thing. 3 years later she still insists that I should get over it and continues to keep contact with him through Facebook and occasional calls but assures me they are not interested in each other. I do not think there is anything physical anymore but feel so hurt that she thinks I should be ok with them communicating and would hold that contact higher than my feelings.. She said she does not know why I still think about it and ask her to stop contact since it means nothing, but if it meant nothing why does she need to keep it up over my protest. She treats me like she was the victim of my spying and when I tell her I need him out of our life she throws that in my face. How can I fully get over it if she keeps it alive through contact!

written by She thinks it is ok, 14 March, 2013

My wife of 5 years had an affair with a man she met at a safety conference for her job. I found out about it when it had been going on for a year. That was 6 months ago and I have tried to work it out with her. We have seen a counselor and yet my wife is still talking to him even though she has said she has stopped. He set up fake emails and IM’s on SKYPE. We are about to loose every thing and now she wants to try and work it out. We have 2 kids and It is too late. He is also married in another state and they ruined 2 marriages just to talk? People who cheat not only cheat on the spouse but the whole family. She will never stop so I am ending the marriage and the kids are the ones who are going to suffer the most now. I hope they both rot in hell for this.