Past Comments – Getting over an affair as the other woman

Comments (4200)

You had an affair
written by Guest, 22 June, 2006

I am the victim of a loving man who had an affair while I was away for 6 months with kid’s schooling. It’s us, the women, that are manipulating the men. Leave him alone, you should never have become involved. I am sure you are young and you WILL find someone else who is free and that will love you, and by doing that you will forever forget him. Whereas his wife will be tormented, if she finds out, by the very man that she loves because he will always remind her of his infidelity. It is truly devastating. Create your own life away from him, please.

It seems so good
written by Guest, 25 August, 2006

I have to admit I don’t feel sorry for you as I have been cheated on by my partner. After having read all the books on infidelity all I can say is an affair is a protected vacuum where feelings can run rampant. You don’t want this man if he can cheat on his wife he can cheat on you. Deal with your feelings and Leave Him Alone. Go to counseling and have some pride, never ever get involved with someone who is involved because it ends badly for everyone. Affairs are not real, you will realize one day that your love wasn’t either.

You sound just like me!!
written by Guest, 14 December, 2006

How comforting! Finally! I’ve felt so alone. My situation is extremely similar. I think the worst part of it is that, often, (and in my case) no one in your life knows of the relationship when you have an affair. So when it ends, you can’t confide in your closest friends or family and you feel so all alone which makes the stuff going on in your head even worse. I’ve never been one for therapists, but, if you don’t oppose, perhaps its the thing for you. I agree with cutting contact. If it is too much to cut it completely, cut it down (I know I know, it sounds like there already isn’t much), but do it and keep yourself busy. Get your self mad at yourself & at him. I can almost guarantee that while he thinks of you, its not nearly as often as you are obessing about him. Do something nice for yourself & plan how your going to make your life better moving forward. Redirect your energy & realize that there is no substitute for time. I’ve been a mess for months now but its getting better. I’ve never kept a journal either. Perhaps that would help you as well.....to write out your thoughts. I’m beginning to realize how it helps me as I check out these blogs, comment from time to time, and realize who I am in the process. I just did. Just responding to this has helped me "work it out" for today. Take care of yourself.

PS
written by Guest, 14 December, 2006

Don’t listen to the indvidual who stated that affairs aren’t love either. You know, as well as I that it isn’t the case. My affair was the first & the last I will ever have, but, the deep friendship is real and it was a type of love and understanding that people are often drawn to if they let it slip (on both sides) in their marriages.

The man side
written by Guest, 05 January, 2007

I know exactly how you feel. I absolutely agree with seeing a therapist. My situation is similar, but I am on the male side of the table and married. I met a woman and fell in love with her but couldn’t leave my marriage. After time, I left my girlfriend but went back to her but she had already moved on. I had an incredible amount of depression and grief, finally seeking counsel in a therapist which brought me through the pain.
In my therapist words, time takes time. Don’t be down on yourself with having the relationship, because we all have needs that a long term relationship sometimes forgets about. I’m sure there are a lot of critics who will say how terrible it is for me to have cheated but they aren’t walking in your shoes and aren’t living our lives.
Keep your head up, take each day as it comes and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Believe me, all will be okay even though it doesn’t seem like it now.

written by Guest, 21 January, 2007

Today I just ended an affair I was having with a married man. It started out with him pursuing me. I knew the couple and his wife treated him terribly. His friends would tell me so, without him knowing it. So before anyone starts casting stones, I ask each spouse to check out their own hearts towards their mates and ask yourselves how you are or are not treating your them before you become self-righteous and condemn me. When we marry it doesn’t give us a license to treat the other person any way we want and expect that they have to take it. If they can’t take it and have an affair then live with the uncaring spouse condemning them and making them pay for the rest of their lives.

I ended the affair because I love the man I was seeing. I will miss him, I love him. I love him enough not to make his life more miserable than it already is. I will always hold him close in my heart. ALWAYS!

I too am miserable....
written by Me, 21 January, 2007

I had an affair and while I am miserable, I am moving on slowly. I too worked with him and developed a friendship that became more.Then I left the job and his wife became suspicious as did my husband. I left my marriage for other reasons, but it is difficult to let go. On top of that my parents were married forty some odd years ago, but my father was married when he met my mother. After 2 years he left his wife and my parents have an undying love. I have this picture in my mind so it is difficult, I have witnessed an affair being a good thing.... so my therapist and his give us the same advice, cut the ties, no contact, but that is just not happening. I know I can have him and he can’t resist me. UGH!!!!! I am just waiting for the answers to arrive.

Understanding the pain
written by LJB, 30 January, 2007

I appreciate all the comments here. I have had a hard time with this whole thing. I am having an affair with a married man that I work with. Our affair started when he was separated from his wife, but then (for financial reasons he said) he moved back in with her. I have always thought that I was a confident, intelligent woman, but I am acting totally INSANE about this relationship. It is my firm belief (in my head) that this will end badly, however, my heart says it will be a once in a lifetime love. No matter what, I think that love should be happy and not confusing and miserable. I hope everyone works out their issues.

tough
written by guest, 03 February, 2007

My wife is a good person but I think we are two good people who were not made for each other. We also have children. A lady at work gave me attention and admiration that I didn’t know I was lacking. With almost no communication between my wife and I, I think it was an easy thing for me to fall for anyone that dared to say a kind word I suppose? I have no intention of separating from my wife as I am committed to my kids. This woman still works at the same office and she is about to marry someone. I have very deep feelings for her as we have so much in common. It is painful, to say the least, to see her everyday and know she belongs to someone else. She does not ‘love’ me she says. I told my wife about my feelings for this girl in the hope my wife would help me overcome my problem, but, in hindsight, it was a mistake.

written by guest, 03 February, 2007

I am a married man who fell in love with someone else. I told my wife about it and we discussed the reasons why. She agreed she didn’t know what my needs were although I had tried on several occasions to talk to her about it. She uses this disclosure to taunt me every now and then in following arguments.

I miss him
written by Guest, 06 February, 2007

I am so happy that I am not alone. I am married and had a friend who had a girlfriend. My husband was nasty to me and my male friend was there for me. Things changed between us and we became sexual over the phone. We didn’t talk every day but when we did it was like no time had passed. We stopped talking because it got too intense. I was very depressed. It took me a long time to get over him. I missed my friendship with him. After 14 months he called me again out of the blue and our connection was still there. I haven’t talk to him in a month and I do miss him and I think of him quite a bit. There is a lot at stake if we get caught talking again. I want to hear his voice but I can’t put my selfish needs before my marriage vows.

Need Advice!
written by guest, 07 February, 2007

I recently left a married man I was seeing. He wants to remain friends. Question: Is it possible to be friends with a married man after the affair?

It’s a bad scene...
written by Brokenhearted Guest, 10 February, 2007

I am married but I have spent the last 2 years having an affair with a man I fell very deeply in love with. He was immature and got carried away with his emotions – he never really allowed himself to fully understand the pain his wife and kids would feel if he left them. His wife found out about us because she was already suspicious and looked at his phone and credit card bills. I’ve never seen anyone so afraid... It was like all the love and devotion he had for me flew out the window and never existed. His sole focus was on self preservation and getting back to his kids. His wife is a humongous obese cow, and they have no relationship whatsoever... He had the world in me and threw it away with both hands. As MUCH as this hurts me and as angry and miserable I am... I know deep down inside that I don’t want someone like that. He is a coward and a liar. He never loved me as much as I thought, or else he couldn’t leave me to go back to that hippopotamus. I don’t care if I sound mean... There were very good reasons he felt lonely and invisible in his marriage – as I did in mine – and he needed something to make him feel alive and worthwhile. I have also been cheated on in the past, but yet I still can find enough compassion in my heart to understand this. No one knows what it’s like to walk in another person’s shoes and no one has a right to judge... we all have different capabilities to cope or not cope with various things. I agree that an affair can rarely end amicably or happily for anyone. I am bitter and feel like a fool. Still don’t regret it happened though. I have learned a lot about myself in the process, and I am stronger because of it.

Thank you
written by To the Brokenhearted Guest, 14 February, 2007

I was very happy to read your comment. I have been searching for answers of my own after having an affair. I too am married and also have been the one on the end of the stick who has been cheated on. While it is not an excuse to turn around and do it to someone, you are right. There are always reasons that things happen. We all have wonderful intentions starting out with our marriages and somehow reality sets in and things don’t work out the way we imagined they would. I know a lot of people who read this are thinking "Well just get out of your marriage and divorce him before you decide to cheat!!" Life isn’t always that simple. Is it???
You are right when you said that we should not judge other people. Only God has the right to do that and we will all have to answer to him someday. That is the only thing I know for sure right now.
I have been dealing with my pain for 7 months now. I was pursued by a younger man for a long time and was flattered by the attention. I never intended for things to get out of hand but they did and we fell in love. I have read all that garbage about it not being real love and how it is all just get caught up in the moment but I am here to tell you that it can be real and it is good to know that love like that can exist. No one knows how the two of you felt about each other but you. Period. Don’t second guess yourself about his feelings for you. While things may not have turned out the way you both intended them to it is what it is and that is harsh reality.
Now, some men are cowards and will turn their tail and run when the crap hits the fan. It is all about them and them only. They will make us look like the fool and turn it into a he said she said thing. Let all of that go. I have dealt with this too in my situation. It isn’t fun and it is painful and you start to think and obsess over every detail just to make sure you were not imagining any of it. It is like a dream and eventually it will drive you insane. STOP!!! Try to let it all go b/c while you are obsessing over it. He is not. He is trying to put his life back together and save his own skin. He will break all contact with you and it is OVER!!!!!!!! It took me a long time and a lot of tears to realize all of this. You will be fine and you will get through this. I promise. Time is the only cure and lots of prayer.
I still have bad days and I still ache over it and I cry myself to sleep sometimes but it doesn’t hurt as much as it did in the beginning. Give yourself some time and get involved with friends and family and find one good friend who you can confide in. Don’t let what has happened in the past tear your life apart forever. You have a husband and maybe children too I don’t know. Put all of your energy into them and working on your marriage even if it isn’t what you want. Your relationship is over and that is what you need to keep telling yourself. You will make it. I promise.
Good luck.

Thank You – You Sound Just Like Me! and Others
written by Also Broken Hearted, 16 February, 2007

When I read these posts, it was as if I had written them. Ten years ago I had an affair with a man I work with. He also gave me attention that I had forgotten I needed. I too am married to a man that was so jealous and over bearing that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to even wear his favorite perfume to work and was always interrogated if I was five minutes late. Once we had had sex several times over the course of a year, he said he never intended on leaving his wife and broke off the relationship. It hurt like hell and I felt so used. I went through the healing process which took years, therapists, medication, etc... My husband and I were getting along better. My kids grow up and start having problems that is destroying the peace of the whole family. Since the man I once had an affair with works for the same company I do but in a different department now, I contacted him. It was like all of those old feelings came back for me... Now after 7 months he has broken it off again saying he feels guilty about cheating. All I can think about is the things he said and how it felt for us to be together. I can’t believe after all the hurt I went through years ago and had gotten over him, why in God’s name would I repeat the same mistake? My heart is broken every time I hear his voice on a conference call, or see his name listed on any company function. I want to heal and move on, but it hurts so much. I’m disappointed mostly in myself as to why I would do this again. Can anyone comment on how or if they have ended up repeating the same mistake over and over and how to move on? Thanks!

written by Brokenhearted Guest, 18 February, 2007

When we’re reaching out to the past for the same unfulfilled dream – and hoping it has a different outcome this time – 9 times out of 10, it will cause us more of the same grief and pain as the first time around. Again, there’s a reason things happen or don’t happen. Our job is not to try to figure out why, but rather to deal with the reality of what is while nurturing ourselves and protecting ourselves from further pain. We are vulnerable when we are not happy... Some people reach outside themselves when this happens. What we really need to do is reach INSIDE and gather the self confidence that’s necessary to know when a decision is good for us or bad for us. Ok, we’re not perfect. Some of us have had affairs and have gotten dumped and been heartbroken (ME!!!!)... But ALL of us have to learn from our mistakes and not keep hurting ourselves by repeating them.

Case in point: My lover who dumped me by telling me in no uncertain terms that he absolutely cannot leave his children has since contacted me many times and wanted to get together to talk about the situation... We really loved each other, and it’s hard for both of us to let go so suddenly. No one knows how badly I wanted to just lay eyes on him for even five minutes, never mind anything else. But the fact I have to remember is: he GAVE ME UP! for his wife (not his kids, like he says – that’s just what he tells himself because he’s too afraid to admit that it’s too big a change to get a divorce and he’s too comfortable with things the way they are!) and moved back home and looked me in the eyes and told me he can’t leave them no matter how much he loves me. And I was dumbfounded and devastated and hysterical and completely undone... I believe he still loves me, but NOT ENOUGH!!!!

The bottom line is the bottom line – he didn’t want me. And I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. This is why I would never try to reach out for him again. As much as I ache for him and feel desperate to see him again and try to convince him again that he made a mistake... I WOULD RATHER CUT OFF BOTH MY ARMS THEN GO DOWN THAT ROAD AGAIN!!!!! Nothing will change him, but I sure can change ME.

All you women trying to pick up the pieces of your lives... look FORWARD to the future you DESERVE, not the past that is gone forevermore. I am trying my best to take my own advice!!

written by Anonymous, 13 April, 2007

Just to say I too, have gotten close to a friend at work and we really did start out as friends for years, now I wish I had never laid eyes on him! – He never instigates anything its always me (I am the married one!) but in another breath tells me how much he loves me to keep me close what is that all about? – I keep telling myself to end it, but the letting go is so hard because when we are together its fantastic. A few friends know and they can tell its not healthy. He finished a relationship just before we met, and although he says its over, emotionally he hasn’t let go. If anyone is thinking of starting an affair, please don’t it really isn’t worth it you just end up messed up and unable to function as your normal self.

written by Oh Yeah, 22 April, 2007

I too became good friends with a man I worked with. He is married with two kids as am I. Both of our marriages are not good and we were drawn to each other. It was very convenient to do when we worked together and saw each other so frequently. He left this job last November and I thought that anything I felt would fizzle out. It wasn’t much at that time (just some flirting and long talks). Well, it didn’t and has grown more intense over the last couple months with mainly phone calls, sex texts and pix. We don’t have a lot of time to see each other so it has only gotten physical a couple times, but it is what he says to me and things he tells me that makes me feel close to him. His wife has caught us talking and she is suspicious so we have to cool it once in awhile but overall we talk 4 to 5 times a week. Very regular contact. He is not in love with his wife, but is staying for the kids. Same situation for me. Over the last several months we have had conversations about our feelings and once in awhile he’ll back off for a few days but it always heats up again with one of us contacting the other. He recently traveled for business and called me one evening and we had a very intimate conversation for hours. We talked about what we needed from the relationship and a bunch of sex stuff. He asked me to pick him up from the airport when he flew in a few days later. I felt so good after that conversation – cloud nine – bound to crash. Well, over the next couple days I heard very little from him (he said he was working late and tired) but he said nothing about seeing me or me picking him up. So the day before he was flying in I texted him to ask if he still wanted me to pick him up. Took him several hours to respond and his answer was he was tired and wouldn’t get in until late so not to bother. Well, I sent him a text that said, I am tired of the back and forth and that either this is going to move forward or I’m done. Well, I haven’t heard from him since and it has been 6 days. I did send him a text when he arrived back in town to say welcome back, but haven’t heard anything from him. This hurts and is very hard because I am used to having so much contact from him. Every time my phone rings I think its him and it hasn’t been. I know I gave him an ultimatum and I meant it but I guess based on what he has told me I thought he’d make the effort to see me. This is further complicated by the fact I don’t trust him. Even though he has told me I am the only one he wants, there was a rumor that he had a relationship with another girl at work. He has denied it on many occasions and said they are only friends but I have always wondered. And come to find out this girl flew to the same city that he was in when he recently traveled. She said that she went there to see a girlfriend and didn’t see him, but I don’t know just to coincidental for me and I haven’t been able to ask him about it, but I wonder if they saw each other or if anything happened. It does seem odd that communication between us has died out over the last week and this is from a man who has told me he thinks of me constantly and wants me. He has made comments that I will never leave my husband why would I leave my husband for him what can he offer me. This guy has insecurity issues. I don’t understand how he isn’t contacting me. When we have gone days without contact, he will tell me how much he thought of me and how tough it was for him not to contact me. My guess is since I gave the ultimatum he is waiting it out to see if I contact him first and hoping the ultimatum will die out. It won’t – I want more or nothing, but it is so hard because I am not good at just letting things pitter out. I think I could get over this so much better if I could just get some answers from him. Even if the answer was "I can’t give you more." I guess in a way that is what he is telling me by not contacting me. But he also probably thinks I am mad and he isn’t one for confrontation. This sucks and the even worse part is... getting attention from him was really the only thing that kept my marriage tolerable. I am so lonely at home and I am so lonely because I miss him.

written by THANKFUL, 23 April, 2007

I just wanted to say that as a wife whose husband had an affair that it helped me understand how fragile relationships are. I have forgiven my husband and the other woman because it was a painful growing lesson for each of us.

written by Sabine, 26 April, 2007

Boy boy boy – this drama here! All very sad to see everyone so torn, lonely and desperate. Thank you for opening my eyes! I’ve been building this emotional affair with someone who has a girlfriend with a kid. They don’t live together, he apparently doesn’t love her and he just wants the stability for the kids (seems to be the most common excuse).

At first, we were "just friends". But the flirting started soon after. And of course I enjoyed the attention, I was flattered, in heaven – it all began to feel so good! And yet, I noticed the red-flags. When you are together, it seems to be so close and special, and when you are apart – it becomes incredibly lonely and you wonder – is he with his significant other – or worse yet – another affair?

The point is, you can never trust a cheater and they should be left alone so they can try to work it out with their partner.

Good thing I guarded myself BEFORE I got in to deep with this one. I like friends with benefits, but I also like to do the right thing. And even though I have had the greatest temptation to hit it off with this man, I didn’t – didn’t even kiss him. And it drives him a bit crazy – makes the whole thing even more tempting.

After reading all these posts, I realize what I need to really kiss this one good-bye – cause I don’t want to end up as torn and sad as many here.

Be Strong! And Good Luck! (to myself too!)

written by muggsie, 18 May, 2007

After more than 2 and a half years of an affair with a married man I am finally strong enough to let go of him. He has been making on excuse after another for not leaving (has not kids, though) and in particular talks about not hurting his wife and their families as his major reason for not leaving. At the same time he has shown no empathy for the pain he has been putting me through with his coming and going and empty promises, talk of a future, while he takes no action to leave his marriage. I am older and wiser at this point and forgiving of myself. Maybe at some point I’ll be able to forgive him as well. In the end the only one who is responsible for our happiness is oneself; it does not come from anyone else.

written by hohum, 19 May, 2007

I find interesting tthat he advice the wife gives to the other woman is to leave the married man alone because "he will do it to you too." Well, don’t you realize he will do it to you again too," I say, take your own advice and realize that "he will do it to you (again) too."

written by gina Rundle, 27 May, 2007

I think there that there is no excuse for getting involved in anyones relationship whether they have existing problems in there current relationship or not first and foremost you should have respect for yourself and others and if you don’t I am a great believer in what goes around comes around and one other important fact is the only difference between you women and women prostitutes is that you don’t get paid for quick lay and if you look it like that your saving him a load of money and causing yourself more trouble and heart ache over somebody who was never yours to begin with why do you think they never leave there wifes and make up nothing but excuses hopefully you will find some real meaning to your life without getting involved in other peoples relationships that do not concern you.

written by thinksyoureallidiots, 05 June, 2007

I read this whole passage, hoping to find some kind of compassion for the people who are being lied to and found absolutely none. None of you who have written here about affairs show any remorse for the children and spouses affected. Affairs ONLY happen, and I DO mean only.. when the spouse who cheats is a liar. Not just any kind of liar, but a liar and a coward, who is so afraid to deal with their problems in their relationship that they begin to seek an escape from them.

If the spouse was honest with his other spouse, or emotionally mature, he or she would have had conversations with their other spouse about why the relationship was not working for them any more and would have given the spouse a chance to work on it.

Affair means you are deliberately, on purpose, lying to another person who you are emotionally responsible to. If the person who had the affair was able to be emotionally responsible, their marriage or long term commitment would have worked out.

Nothing good, can ever come of something that started dishonestly. That is the truth of all this nonsense and always will be. All the rest of this nonsense and dramatic "poor me" bullshit is just self pity you indulge in because you cannot face your own conscience or reality. If you could, you wouldn’t have EVER had an affair. Every person who indulges in one, is an emotional cripple, or if you were emotionally healthy, you wouldn’t be engaging in this behavior at all.

Having a spouse who "treats you badly" doesn’t change the fact that people who indulge in affairs are emotionally damaged or crippled. Often the perception of being mistreated is totally incorrect or based on something that perhaps is not being disclosed to the person you are having an affair with?

Face reality, here, now and always. If you do not, you will get nothing other than the pain of the great and mighty spirit of your conscience constantly reminding you that you are doing something that is causing you, the person you are with, and the children involved a lot of unnecessary emotional pain.

GROW UP PEOPLE!

written by Lady Byrd, 08 June, 2007

As the wife of a man who confessed to an affair my opinion is that it is so much wasted energy that could be put into the marriage. It is a selfish act plain and simple. every spouse wishes that something were different but only the weak and pitifully selfish act out on their fantasies for if you have fantasies that is a clear sign that there is a real problem with self and it is selfish not to deal with ones own flaws but rather compound your own problem by dragging the one person who loves you more than life through dirt and muck and mire creating heart wrenching pain that will scar that individual for the rest of their lives simply because you felt like it because after all in the depth core of every human is a heart and a conscience and it should produce enough strength for you to say no when you feel like saying yes and if you cannot perhaps you are not just flawed perhaps you are irreparably broken.

written by Kenzie, 21 June, 2007

First of all, THANK YOU to most of you who have spoken up! (except for these last two same-old same-old condemning personal attacks – this forum really isn’t the place for you). I’ve felt so alone in my situation as the "other woman" and this is extremely comforting to finally find others in the same boat -- given all the affairs that go on, you KNOW we’re out here, but there’s been such a huge silence! My affair with a married man is fairly new (a few months), and I struggle with my head telling me there is no good end, and my heart wanting to continue feeling so loved and appreciated. In no way did I seek out a married person. We share a common passion and have been friends for a few years, and it has blossomed unexpectedly out of that. I have tried to break contact but it just hasn’t worked. I don’t know what the future holds, and I know its a dangerous path, but here I am, participating against all common sense. I DO know that whatever happens, I will certainly go forward in life with more compassion than I had before this all happened. Thanks again for sharing, it really helps!

written by Anonymous, 26 June, 2007

I would like to know if OHYEAH ever contacted the guy again, and it so what happened? Was it a slap in the face? The reason I ask is b/c I am in a similar situation. Did you get closure?

written by TiredofSelfIndulgentDrama, 01 July, 2007

The truth is those who cheat lack empathy for those whom they are emotionally responsible for (those they willingly made a commitment to). Romantic love is a FANTASY we use to justify our bad behaviors or as a means to escape our problems. We can convince ourselves to believe in anything. There is no such thing as a "one and only true love." There are those we are compatible with and with whom we hopefully develop a positive connection and bond.
Those who allow their emotions to decide how to live their lives are immature. We are more than the sum of our parts. Our life decisions go beyond our "intense" emotions at the time. We need to consider how it effects the other aspects of our lives. Real love should enhance not only our life, but also the lives of those we love and who love us, like our family and friends.
It is the responsibility and right of every human being to evolve – learn and grow. To convince yourself that your immaturity and lack of empathy is justified, no matter how much damage you do, shows that you are emotionally unhealthy and you need professional help. My advice to those who cheat or may cheat, please get help before you injure more innocent people. I understand this because I’ve been there and have learned from my experience.

written by UnderstandingFemale, 02 July, 2007

I had a three year relationship with a married man who I truly believed was the love of my life. I am also married. I did not have a happy marriage and he indicated the same thing. We became very close. For most of that time, he and I were each other’s closest friend. We also had a very strong physical attraction that was consummated several times. However, he always told me that his marriage could not end because of me. I should have paid more attention to what he was saying. Our relationship was discovered and it has all become very ugly. Right now I wish that I had never confessed, even though it seemed like the right thing to do. It could have saved everyone involved a lot of pain. Thanks to the involvement of his psycho wife, he now says that he hates me. I would like to hate him, but I can’t. Some sick part of me misses him and will always love him. I have no right to judge anyone’s morals. I just want to caution anyone who is even considering this type of involvement. Chances are it won’t turn out well for anyone.

written by Broken Hearted, 07 August, 2007

After being in and out of an affair with the same married man for 10 years, I can say that you are better off to walk away and cut off all contact. My advice to all the ones who have replied to all of the ‘victims’ who have been hurt by their spouses "Wake Up!" According to my counselor, it takes 2 to make a marriage and it takes 2 to destroy one. Normally, when a souse finds out that their significant other has been cheating they are shocked, hurt, etc.... Take a good long look at the past time you were together, you had a part in making or breaking that marriage. A marriage takes work and consideration for the other person before you end up growing apart, acting like you have ownership of that person, etc. It helps all parties, married couples, the other person to all seek counseling.. No one is truly innocent.

written by Broken Hearted In KC, 12 August, 2007

I to had an affair with a married man. I married young and my husband and I had grown apart over the past 3 years. I worked with this man and known him for along time. There was always a spark between us and then we let it get out of hand. I personally couldn’t continue in either relationship so I asked my husband for a separation. He filed for divorce on me and yes my relationship continued with my married friend. We made so many plans together and he said once the year was over he would leave his wife for me. I believed him and helped him out with everything ~ financially, emotionally you name it I was there. The new year came and he made every excuse as to why he couldn’t leave but still wanted me. I gave him many ultimatums to get him to leave and it didn’t work. I just wasn’t enough for him or he would have left her. I have gone back and forth over the months and this time I have to stick with it. The pain is so intense that at times I can’t breath. I have treated him the way he has always wanted to be treated, gave him the attention he desired, we are so close and can talk about everything. I did try this in my own marriage but it never worked!!! It’s so easy to judge others but you just don’t understand until you are in our shoes. His wife treats him terrible, I have heard this over the phone time and time again, but I guess not bad enough because he is still there. When you read this you will laugh because I do have a strong faith. Feel horrible about what I have been doing and pray for the strength that I need to walk away from this man. I have so much going for me, a great job, wonderful kids, my church, so many blessings that come my way. I just prayed and prayed for this to work but God sometimes doesn’t answer those prayers for a reason. I need to thank God for the many blessings he has given me and the blessings he hasn’t. It’s just so hard. I keep thinking the tears will stop but they don’t. When I think I am doing OK I will drive by a place we were at, a song on the radio that we loved will come on, a TV show we would watch together, even sitting in my front room will bring the memories rolling in.

What I have learned from all of this is never invest anymore than you can afford to lose. I lost a lot and feel that I don’t deserve to be loved by anyone. I can’t go back............. I feel for everyone who has ever been in this situation.

written by MEME, 14 August, 2007

I just was dumped by a man I was having an affair with, he is married as well as I. His wife found out and things got ugly. The sad part is he is my boss. I love him very much, and he wants no part of me. I was willing to give up my life for him, and worse yet I see him making eyes at another woman. I am starting to realize maybe we don’t share the same feelings.

written by roxanna, 12 October, 2007

I had an affair with a married man for a year. I knew him for 2, the first year I worked for him and then things developed. I fell in love but I don’t think he ever did or else I believe he would have told me. He called me one day and was very hurtful by telling me he had sex with his wife the night before and were in amends. I think that things were never that bad and he was using me just for sex! So I turned around phoned his house and left on the ans machine a message saying that "ask your husband what he as doing so and so night" I don’t know if she ever heard it, all I know is that he emailed me, left a message telling me off and calling me all sorts of names, and threatening me! I guess he never really cared and he only cared about himself, I took some time, to get over the pain and to forgive myself for getting involved with such a piece of garbage, I tried calling after a couple of months to see if in fact she knew or he had sugar coded but he told me f you,you messed up my life, all I wanted is to know that he was ok. It figures, only thinks about himself and nothing more! so I see him from time to time, unfortunately, I know people were he works but I stopped going there but we also work out in the same place, the last time, he decided to run in the treadmill next to me, what a jerk, he also bad mouths me to anyone he knows, he made sure i knew that he wasn’t living at home anymore, a comment that I ignored, he isn’t marriage material, he will cheat no matter how good the relationship can be. He is just never happy with what he has! I now have a new boyfriend! I’ve been seeing him for 3 months, dating, I want to keep it casual for now. There’s also other guys that I am friends with, lesson that I learned- if you are going to have an affair, at least do it with someone that cares for you and at the end, won’t blame you w/o taking accountability for their own actions.

written by violet, 14 October, 2007

I am a wife trying to recover from the incredible pain caused by my husband’s affair. I have studied, read and been in counseling – what saddens me about most of the comments here is that most of you who have had affairs with married men appear to have not grown or learned.
My husband and I were and are very close friends – he never treated me in anyway that was not loving and kind – and has admitted that I have always been great to him and our kids. However, he was tempted by a work "friend" who "fell in love with him" and succumbed.
The other woman may even be one of you, making ridiculous comments about how awful the marriage was or how your are blameless.
My husband has so much guilt, and shame that he fell for one of you that he can barely stand it. Sociopaths and narcissists have no guilt – whether they are the cheating spouse or the woman who sees what she wants and decides to either delude herself with "how unhappy he is" or "how unworthy the wife is" – please take a look at yourself – if you do not understand that you have caused untold grief to other people because of your selfish need for your own "happiness" I can only pity you and the others who will be part of your lives.

Having an affair with a married man is an ugly attack on another person’s happiness and life out of selfishness.

written by Lost in Los Altos, 21 October, 2007

to broken hearted in KC,

Your post touched me so. Your situation is very similar to mine. And when you said you "did not deserve to be loved"... I broke down in tears. My train wreck (and that is sadly what this affair has become for my husband, myself and the "other" man) has been going on for little less then a year. My professional life has suffered. I have lost friends and family over it and some days it is a struggle to just get out of bed. I started this affair because I was so lonely in my own marriage and many many times begged and pleaded with my husband for more of his time. He never obliged. I met someone who paid attention and I succumbed. But it is awful now. I am even lonlier than when I started. I want to end the affair and just be friends with this man. I do not want to feel like this anymore. But when I start to pull away and cool things down- he gets upset with me. We are in the same graduate program together so it makes things very difficult when he is upset. His wife does not know and I really don’t want her to find out. I love him tremendously...he is my confidant and best friend at times. The best that I can hope for is that she will not find out before him and I graduate and then I can finally move away from all of this guilt and loss.

written by Secret, 25 October, 2007

I too had an affair with a married man and I was married myself. He told his wife but I never told my husband. The relationship ended when he confessed to his wife. I am still married to my husband and he is still married to his wife. I am still in love with the other man and think about him 10 or more times a day. I cannot seem to get over it. I miss him so much. We talked on the phone all the time, he made me feel like no other person ever has in my entire life. I am an intelligent business woman that is just trying desperately to getting over this hurtle in my life.

written by Beenthere, 29 October, 2007

I just ended an affair with a married man that I’ve known for 12 yrs. We were both married, had children and were very young at the time we met(at work). Things were great between us during that time b/c we shared so many experiences together like maintaining a full-time job while going to school, managing a family, and watching each other grow into our careers. We landed big contract deals together and got promoted together. At that time, we were a positive influence on each other. We started having an affair after about 6 yrs of knowing each other until recently when I found a new job. Being away from him was very hard and I realized I had more feelings for him than what I thought I did. Before I left the company, I somewhat tried to end things by telling him that I just didn’t see how we could keep things going. But, he cried and said that we would work something out but we only saw each other a handful of times after that. We kept in contact mostly by phone and e-mail and would see each other maybe every two months or so. I told him how I felt about him and told him how hard it was to watch him walk away after we had been together. The last thing we talked about was having a more serious conversation and he responded with "I can’t wait to be with you soon." Then, he changed job assignments and I did not hear from him for about six months. He sent me back a reply to an e-mail that I had sent him months earlier with a response that he has been busy with work and nothing more. I was hurt that it took him so long to even contact me again. So, I let it go and let him go. It has been hard not to talk to him but we would be back in the same situation again if I had replied and I don’t want to go there if I am not truly the person he wants to be with. There are plenty of things running through my head but the only thing I can do right now is work on changing myself and that is the direction I am going in now. My advice to someone is to simply not get involved and know the boundaries of the connections that you build with people. We are here to learn from each other and by reading some of these comments I learn more about you and about myself.

written by give me a break, 06 November, 2007

I ended a 20 month affair with a married man two weeks ago, we saw each other all the time, he had me involved in every aspect of his life, he told me he was separated. I take responsibility for my part in this sham, I fell for a narcissist, pathological liar and good player. He was going to geographically separate and told me he didn’t want to stay at home and continued to stay...... First it was the kids, then after numerous break ups by me, he knew he was running out of time. He told me he left and would you believe he was still at his marital home, like you couldn’t see that coming. I am sorry WIVES out there you should take your responsibility. Your husbands are out there wooing other gals, spending time away, not coming home, and essentially destroying other people’s lives. If you had a happy husband who was fulfilled within his marriage, he wouldn’t be looking for LOVE with someone else. Men need constant reassurance that wanes over the long haul of a marriage, this is a fact, lazy wives get cheated on, and vice versa.

I was very much in love with someone who is mentally sick. I was torn between letting his wife know what kind of man she was really married to, to thinking she already knew. He (the doctor) is away for 10 days and after thinking long and hard, I decided to write HER (the wife) a long letter, appologizing to her, taking my lumps for getting involved and disrupting his life; outlining the last 20 months of this relationship. My issue was, that she is in her 50’s and has the right to see what kind of person she married so she can go on and be happy with a worthy man. The letter and all the "tokens & gifts" were dropped off with her. I did it to apologize first off, and to give her the tools she needs to move out of denial and move on herself.

If anyone of you are considering getting involved or are at the cusp of getting involved, don’t do it. Walk away and save yourself precious time, save yourself from heartache, and pain. You have to realize that this is only the tip of the iceberg and there were such great times between us, love, comforting times, tears, joy, happiness, family time with kids, and overwhelming special times together, it all boils down to deceit, deception and lies. That is no way to live, and if a wife/husband stays or decides to live with that morally bankrupt spouse, let that be their problem, not yours. We are victims of the cheating spouses because we allowed it. We may have had pure love for these people but on their sides it was pure deception. I write my story with respect to all parties, but to point out blame on any one party is wrong, the blame is with the cheating spouse. If they valued their commitment they would have resisted anything that came at them. Most of us are smart enough to realize that the married spouse is usually the real moral corrupter. Avoid married people and don’t get involved, these LIARS aren’t worth anything in the grand scheme of life.

written by another KC broken heart, 17 December, 2007

Just a word to the judgmental spouses who may read this, in the case of the affair I entered into, the man was being emotionally neglected by his wife as she pursued her outside interests while neglecting her husband and child. I too, had an emotionally neglectful spouse, so I think we initially fulfilled those mutual emotional support needs for one another. So the way it started was natural and innocent enough, but crossing the line into the physical affair is where it got rough and eventually undid the good basis of true friendship.
I thought about putting all the details of how we became involved, the gradual evolution from deeply caring friendship, and the changes into a more and more emotionally bonded and then finally physically intimate relationship. But those are common threads in the posts here.
I just cut off this affair on Friday. I had taken all the frustration that I could. The rub is this... our emotional bond could never follow the natural course of commitment and intimacy over time. So as the other woman, I was left frustrated and longing for what I could not have. And he communicated his frustration with desiring not to hurt me, and we tried to break this off like reasonable people several times before now. I would not recommend to any woman to enter into an love affair with an already committed man. In fact, I would not recommend entering into a love affair with a man who cannot commit emotionally even when he has no commitment to another woman. I think both types of relationships can destroy the involved woman’s peace of mind. There is no natural place for you to go in this love triangle. I cried a lot of broken hearted tears over the weekend, and lie awake in the early morning hours this morning trying to understand why I allowed myself to enter into this affair. I have done the right thing by breaking it off. There will be someone else out there who can make a true and open commitment to me. As far as my relationship with this man I just broke off with, I wish that we would have remained friends only. That part of our relationship was sweet, pure, and true, and he was a totally committed friend. The forbidden territory of the affair caused a serious devolution of the basic relationship. I’m not sure we can/will ever recapture that treasured friendship with all the hurt and frustration we have suffered. Ladies, love yourselves enough to not let your heart feel pain and still try to maintain the affair hoping it will get better. It won’t. If he too has gotten emotionally bonded to you, he will be torn between you and the one he is committed to. It’s frustrating for both of you, and there is no good resolution to the situation. Just make the peace of your mind and your heart your highest priority and you will recover.

written by guilty, 28 December, 2007

I had an affair with someone I worked with. I ended up losing my job over it. That is when my husband discovered what had happened. You get caught up in this fantasy life and you forget about reality when you are in an affair. I am feeling the guilt now. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I did. I hope that eventually I will get past this self hatred. My husband has forgiven me, but forgiving myself is much more difficult. It is not worth the risk you take to have an affair. Nothing good comes from it. Only pain and heartache.

written by jgunn1966, 29 December, 2007

I have a few pieces of everyones story here. I am so happy to find this blog. I just ended a two year relationship w/a married man of 15 years and 2 small children. I don’t feel good about the affair but I also know that you are blinded when you are in it. I was unable to see the signs, and my love for him (what i felt was love) kept me from seeing the truth. He came close this summer to leaving her. Even as far as looking at condos for us to buy together. One night when I was at his sisters for a party, he was with his wife and on his way over, he asked me to tell his wife about us. I asked him several times if that was what he wanted, he said yes, he just wanted it over. I did, there was a fight, and he left with her. Since then, straight down hill. Everyone was hurt that day, and for no good reason. The bottom line for me is that its very easy to say words, "I love You, want to be with you, soon we will be together, ect....." Words have zero meaning unless there is immediate action to follow it up. If there is no action the love is not real. At least not on the part of those having to take the action. I have realized that we are really the lucky ones. We may hurt for a while but it is nothing in comparison to what they will encounter. The wife has to live every day of her life with a narcissistic person incapable of love and commitment. He has to live with a wife that will never love, respect or trust him again no matter how much counseling they get. I have been on both ends. It is pure torture and we have been spared. Do we really want a relationship like that? Do we deserve better?..The answer is yes!!! We have the chance at real love now. They have nothing but the same lost relationship that lead them to where they are today, only worse. So every day we need to remind ourselves that "WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES". My heart goes out to every one here. Just know your not alone, its important to pray for them, this will pass for you if you believe in yourself, learn and grow from your mistake, you are on the better side of things, and you have a beautiful future that lies ahead for you. You are the lucky one......

written by panadelias, 31 December, 2007

You are the lucky ones? No, I see it as the pathetic ones.

written by Virtual gamer, 03 January, 2008

My on-line affair just broke up with me. I was drawn into a virtual game where I had fun chatting with people. It fulfilled a void in my marriage that my husband wasn’t filling. I really connected with this one guy. We took it to e-mail and phone. He even left his wife.....but it was too much for him to see his kids in pain. I feel like I have lost my very best friend. The intense emotional affairs are just as real as the physical ones. I feel very much heartbroken, and since then, my husband and I have agreed to counseling for both of our issues. I will very much miss my "on-line" love.

written by cheating bitch, 12 January, 2008

I am also a cheater. I am still with the one I cheated with. We both dumped our marriages so we could be together. We are miserable because of guilt over hurting our families. Don’t kid yourself, us cheaters feel guilt and regret. But at the time, I was looking for someone to be nice to me. A year before my affair, my then-husband brutalized me while at a convention for his work. He got drunk, threatened me, beat on me, knocked the wind out of me and showed no remorse whatsoever. I blocked it out for a year until I cracked. And then he acted like I was supposed to forgive him overnight after I lived in denial for a year. In the end, he kicked me to the curb, just like he always did. I’m tired of blaming myself for the affair I had. There was a reason. My ex-husband was abusive and I just wanted someone to be nice to me. So fuck the people who can’t understand how some of us cheating bastards can have affairs.

written by looking inward, 17 January, 2008

One of the biggest lesson my husband and I learned through his affair is that he was looking outward for his happiness...affair is just that, another set of problems with someone who has problems too!! Look inside and get your happiness from within.

written by finally healing, 20 January, 2008

I just found this site and am one month in the process of getting over a 4 year affair with a married man. What I see I have most in common with other women who have been or are stuck in affairs is that THE MAN SEEMS LIKE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND THE SEX IS FANTASTIC.

It is easy for a man to be on good behavior for an hour or two when he knows he will be leaving soon to go back the the "real world"; he can maintain his charming, attentive, witty,fun side to the other woman for YEARS. And since the sex is always the forbidden thing, and again he has to leave soon after, it too seems perfect and fantastic. It is never quite enough and you always want more.

I had the opportunity during first 3 years of the affair I had with a man much younger than myself (how vulnerable is a single mom to a charming, handsome, intelligent younger man?)to be with him for a weekend, a long day excursion, and a week trip out of state. How I longed for so much time with this fun and charming lover!

Of course, reality was different; as soon as he couldn’t get away, I became like the wife he wanted to escape and he became moody and sullen, visually interested in every female in range but me; and uninterested in sex after the first steamy session.

Of course, at the time I made a million excuses for my young prince charming, and blamed myself for anything that went wrong hoping to get another chance to "do better" so that maybe someday we could be happy together.

He told me that I had actually prolonged his marriage because without me he wouldn’t have been able to stand it that long. I pointed out to this cad that he actually had his world pretty well set up for himself: a comfy place to live, people liked and respected him, with a wife who was so distant or chose not to see what he was really up to so he could get away with just about anything, and me he could visit in secret for fun and games.

He did finally leave his wife, but the next in line female, me, became the one to escape from and he turned blaming me for the breakup of his marriage. He had to leave her to "protect" her (his words) from me in case I spilled the beans on him. I never did and never would, but did tell him that if he were to stay with his wife he ought to come clean so he could live peaceably and honestly with himself.

I moved across the country, for a number of reasons, and don’t know where he is. I haven’t communicated with him for over a month, and although it is tempting to call him on his cell or email him, I haven’t done so nor will I. I realize an affair is as good as it can get with him, and that’s just not enough. I miss talking to him, but am trying to fill my time with activities positive to my life. Dreaming about those "perfect" afternoons of the past do me no good.

My advice to anyone being tempted by a dazzlingly charming married man, if you like yourself one little bit, don’t do it. You will be facing years of pain and adjustment to the lowest status on the earth, a woman in a relationship that has to be hidden, then more years getting over the whole mess.

written by Guest, 23 January, 2008

I’ve just found this site by accident... and am going to take the opportunity to share my story. It may seem familiar... it may be helpful.

I am struggling to recover from a 2 year affair with a married man. I have done all the right things and have ended the affair. I also ended my marriage (as I had planned to do before meeting my married man), I got busy getting busy and staying busy, I confided in friends who knew about the affair and were there for me all the way through my near emotional collapse when I ended it with him and I proactively set about meeting single men with whom to spend time. I eventually met and married a wonderful man for whom I am "the world". So... for all practical purposes... one would surmise that I have, indeed, moved on. Well... let me continue.

I still love the married man with whom I was in an affair. AND... he is still married and rightly so!
I still miss him terribly. I ended our relationship badly, actually... by email. So -- To make a long, long story longer... I’m still trying to recover. I miss him, terribly. I miss being with him... and I still love him. I will always love him. I loved him deeply and I cannot seem to recover from that part of me.

I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will always love my married man... Even now, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t have thoughts of him. I miss his voice, his humor, his interests, talking to him about mine, sharing our lives together. I miss ‘him’. We were a couple... we were very close.

No, He has not contacted me since I told him not to in that email... but, I have called his business phone when I was certain he wasn’t there... just to hear his voice on his voice message. (sad, but true.) Obviously, I wasn’t ready to end it when I did... doing the right thing didn’t make it easy "to do".

So, Though it "looks like" I’ve moved on -- I haven’t "recovered"... and I don’t think I ever will.

Thanks for the read....

written by Unabletoshare, 24 January, 2008

I have been unhappy in my marriage for sometime and instead of talking with my husband I had an affair. He approached me I was a little apprehensive at first because of the reputation he and his friends had at work. They are known as flirts and have even been talked with about sexual harassment,but they are liked by everyone so I thought he couldn’t be that bad. We began talking and from the very beginning he controlled the relationship. I knew from the very beginning this was going to end badly and it has. After the first time we had sex he told his friends about it letting them think it was a friend of his that actually was having an affair. I was very uneasy about this I have a reputation that I don’t need tainted because of infidelity. Also not to mention all I wanted out of this was a day I could escape all my problems. He continually pursued me and a friendship was what I started to rely on. The sex wasn’t that great considering, but I thought I was getting some companionship. It all ended by him getting a phone call from a male telling him he was messing up, he immediately thought it was my husband. My husband and I were having problems but he was not the one that called him. He has other women at work that he flirts with but nothing has happened also the guys he hangs around with are continually trying to catch him in the act, it is more likely that one of them is really the caller. But he tells me this in a five second conversation and that is the end of everything he has always been up front with me so I should understand. Well at first I am trying to see if my husband actually was the one to call after figuring out he wasn’t I had left him a voice message telling him so. He contacts me briefly the next day short with his conversation and tells me he will call me back in a few minutes. The day goes by and I don’t hear from him so I call him and he hangs up on me, or stupid me thinks maybe it was accidental so I call back and he won’t answer. The problem for me is I can’t tell anyone about the affair, it is not my nature to even flirt with the opposite sex so if I hypothetically talked about this with any of my friends they would get suspicious, on the other hand I know he will not tell my name but he won’t be able to resist talking. He should have at least given me the chance to say something so I could let it go. He doesn’t like conflict so I know when I see him at work I will have to act like he didn’t make me mad the way he ended it. Because he was so short with his ending I am very apprehensive that if he tells my name his friends will know I am the women in the story’s he has told and I don’t know what to do since he won’t talk with me at all. I know the worst part is I have no one to talk with about this and a million things are going thru my head and they are not good. I wish I had just opened up to my husband in the beginning and none of this would have happened.

written by Cheated On, 06 February, 2008

I was cheated on by my husband who had an affair with a co-worker. He eventually left and had another kid with her – 4 months after our youngest was born. He’s trying to come back now but I refuse. I have known that he always had issues to deal with: molestation as a kid, ADHD, etc. and it’s not until now that he’s ready to tackle those issues.

He pretty much destroyed our family with his lies and deceit. He’s coming to visit our three kids for the first time in six months. Did I mention that the other woman gave him herpes and he passed it on to me? How she didn’t tell me while I was pregnant and I developed pre-eclampsia due to a herpes outbreak.

You make it seem like there are reasons or excuses for hurting other people but there’s not. It’s easy to think that you won’t be hurting anyone but your spouse but everyone suffers. Except the betrayer. That person gets to walk around justifying how he/she was so unhappy and an affair was inevitable. Take a look at your spouse and see if they are feeling the same unhappiness you are and if you want them to solve their problem the same way you choose to solve your problems. Having an affair never made anything better.

written by Guest, 13 February, 2008

My situation is slightly different in that I am not married, and the man I was having an affair with wasn’t married either, but had been in a long term relationship for over 15 years!
I started working in a very lively office environment, where every Friday night we would head off the pub, and he was always there. I assumed that he wasn’t in a relationship, he flirted with anyone and everyone( that should have been the give away!), at the time i had a boyfriend, but yet he still targeted me, asked me out, and the rest – as they say – is history. I ended my relationship with my boyf within weeks of meeting this man, he on the other hand, continued to run two lives. I saw his every day and most weekends for two years, we went on holiday, away for weekends, thinking back his lies must have been well thought out. Then towards the end of year two, i got frustrated and we both agreed to move on. I was devastated, he had told me he loved me, I considered myself to be in love with him, but somehow, in my head it wasn’t enough. I was ill with stress, lost weight, missed him so much that it was physically tiring to do a normal daily task, BUT YOU DO GET OVER THEM EVENTUALLY! The fact is, as has been mentioned before – if he WANTS YOU ( AND he would be damn lucky to be with you) then he would move mountains to make it work, but when they just walk away, you actually realise that what you had was based on sex – an affair is all about sex. I have real feelings for this man, and I think he did two, he spent an enormous amount of time with me, but it just wasnt enough.My mistake was keeping in VERY LOOSE contact with him! The ODD email ( which often he didn’t respond to) , but what I forgot was at the drop of a hat, he could reply, and I would be back at square one. I had new relationship for a year which fizzled, I didn’t love him like I loved this man (but just so you know – THOSE FEELINGS AREN’T REAL LIFE!!!!!!) these feelings when you are in an affair are not normal, they are unrealistic and can do serious damage, mentally and take great physical toll on your body. At the end of this relationship at a low point, i contacted him,and again we saw each other for a few months, it fizzled, we kept very LOOSE contact, then again for another few months – THIS IS 2008, and it started 5 years ago.
The penny has finally DROPPED. what am i doing? This man couldn’t care less whether he sees me or not, I have accepted the lowest common denominator for so long, i have accepted it!
Be under no false illusions – these men are UNHAPPY. it might not be with their spouse, it is more likely to be a mental thing – having someone else controls their hunger, ensures their life is kept out of the boring dull mundane cycle most relationships get into.
BUT THAT POOR WOMEN. They will never never ever change. And even if you feel you aren’t strong enough to leave, or to stop contact, just do what i did, reduce contact slowly, even if its no emails or not answering calls. Eventually it will fizzle – ON YOUR TERMS! These men are scum, thats what we don’t realize. They treat women with no respect! If you love someone you don’t have sex 20 million times with another person, clearly these men are in love with themselves. The crumbs of an existence they offer is a slap in the face for any female! Lastly, thank your lucky stars that he ISN’T YOUR PROBLEM. that is a great relief for me, he is somebody else’s drama, DO NOT GIVE men the satisfaction they think they are entitled to. Life is so short – get out there, live it like every day could be your last, and stop living a lie – an affair is not real, it is a fairytale that ends in a horrific painful and nightmarish outcome!
Be happy!

written by Guest, 14 February, 2008

These "men" (shits) you are pining over aren’t worth it. Turn the table, imagine you have a lovely cosy life at home, sex on tap, loving children and wonderful friends AND a silly little "other man" who hangs on your every word, when you are FREE you fit him in, when you want sex, he fits you in, when you want to break free for a weekend, he fits you in – LIKE A MUG! Why do we do it, ladies!? Why do we feel so insignificant that we allow ourselves to be the lowest common denominator? If he wanted you, he would leave his current relationship and make it work with us. There is nothing I can do to turn the clock back, I too, have been in and out of a 5 year affair with a man that has a long term partner, he pulled every line out the hat, he said he loved me, he said he was leaving then he went back. I rekindled part of me I thought I lost at the end of 2007 with this man, only to realize, that in actual fact, the time and the energy you put into this (not to mention the hurt the pain, lies and deceit!) can be targeted elsewhere – it is all for nothing. Please, wake up and smell the coffee! I found it so hard to let go, I "thought" the love i felt was something no-one could ever understand, passion, fire etc.. but the love wasn’t love at all – it was lust & infatuation. You get the two confused and then the shit hits the fan, and all hell breaks loose! For me, the way to end it was to cut all contact, which so far I have done. It has only been a week, but each day i feel stronger – this man is a plonker, they will never ever change for you so why waste you time. You can pine,hurt cry and cry all you want, but there is actually no point – because he WILL NOT care. He has lost nothing, whereas your life falls apart.
Cut contact completely, have a good friend to talk to about it, and don’t blab about the situation to others! If you are like me and have email access at work, delete his email address!For me, email was my only method of contact, he was clever and never thought of giving me his mobile number – the man is a wally! Cut contact – and keep in mind that the man in your life that has caused all this pain, will continue to be the same forever, and that poor women he has cheated on will no nothing. At the end of the day, YOU DON’T WANT A MAN LIKE THAT! Move on with dignity, girls, don’t destroy another relationship by admitting what you have done, just close the book, grieve in private and LIVE YOUR LIFE. The best thing of all is to smile and get out there and forget him. You can guarantee that this man will be 1. either missing you from time to time or 2. generally not happy in relationship. Stop putting yourself 2nd!
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP !

written by finally healing, 30 March, 2008

I am curious if the person in the last comment really did stay away from her married man--it had only been a week. I said I’d never call or talk to the guy I knew, but of course I did. I always said I was the flip side of the married coin for him, and if he ever left his wife he’d leave me as well. Of course I was right, and the closer he got to his actual divorce the more his "feelings changed" toward me. These guys are weak. They really don’t know who they are, what they want, and this one blubbered on the phone to me at how his wife and everyone in her family were hurting, like it was my fault. That finally was my last conversation with him, I hope. These guys use people to feed their egos and get them through inconvenient times, like cooled marriages. Stay away from them, and even though it hurts, be glad to cut them out of your life.

written by stupid woman, 16 April, 2008

Right now, I am two days in. I finished it on Monday after 4 years. I feel awful, just want to hear his voice, hear him laugh. And I know I am being a real selfish cow. See, I have a great husband – been married for 23 years! He is a diamond, but 4 years ago, things were not that great. He was always working, or playing golf. He had forgotten that I was a woman and not just his best mate. Anyway I had been working with the other man – he asked me out, I said yes, and we fell for each other big time. We both left, he went back, and like a fool I hung in there. I loved him, with all my heart. I suffered pain, jealousy and still I kept on. Finally I left and got another job. He kept in touch, kept asking me out. I didn’t go. I have been trying to end this pain for nearly a year. Today is not a good day. Keep crying. He did leave his wife finally, got a flat. But I think he will go back. Me and mine? He doesn’t know, he loves me very much. I’m really lucky. I am going to delete all old emails and throw out cards etc today when I get home. This time I have to stay away. Its OVER – it has to be. I just want to wake up and not think of him. I want to stop this pain, please stop this pain.

written by Brokenhearted Too, 18 April, 2008

I am a 28 year old, unmarried, woman who just ended a 15 month affair with a married man. I knew from the beginning that he would never leave his wife. It unrealistic for us to be together long term with our age difference. (He’s also a prominent surgeon in town.) Knowing that we would never be together forever makes the pain any less. I felt as many of you did when you ended it...hopeless. And I agree that the worst part is not being able to talk to anyone about it or be openly sad or cry without people bothering you. What I have found, and I hope it’s helpful to others, is that reading the postings on boards like this one help me to know that I am not alone in my grief. I was sooo happy when I read other people’s responses, to know that they had been in similar situations....and to be able to post this without being judged by a bunch of angry wives. The last thing I need is someone telling me how stupid it was to get involved in this relationship in the first place....I already knew that. I’ll probably get harassed for this, but I know for a fact that he’s had at least 2 other affairs (both with women closer to his age) and that him and his wife haven’t been together sexually or even shared a bedroom for over 8 years, so I don’t feel like I ruined her life, or his children’s. (We were never caught.)
Sorry for rambling... the main points I want to make are:
It WILL get better. Every single day is easier and it’s only been a week.
It REALLY helped me to make a list of his bad qualities. (He would never be totally committed to me, and I deserve better than that. Etc.)
KEEP READING AND KEEP POSTING, let the tears of sadness or anger flow, get it out of your system.
This last one may only help a few, but I like to tell myself... He left because he wasn’t man enough to handle me!
Best wishes to anyone who can relate and thanks for listening!

written by Big Hypocrite, 22 April, 2008

I am the biggest hypocrite. Am a 30 year old married woman (8 years), no kids, married to a wonderful man that I do not deserve! Just mutually ended a 9 month long affair with someone, who is 15 years older than me. He’s been dating a girl a few years younger than me, long distance for 3 years, and she’s finally moving out here and they are planning on getting married this summer. I work with this man (he is my boss’s boss to further complicate things), and I love my job and don’t want to leave it, and we just ended it today.

I’ve always believed you shouldn’t cheat, I thought I had a good head on my shoulders. Thought I was a smart girl, I know better, why would anyone do this to another person that they love and care about? I was intensely attracted to this man, and I allowed myself to be weak.

Affairs don’t "just happen". We can take 1 of 2 paths when confronted with even the possibility. We can either choose the better path by just saying no and walking away from a situation, or we can allow ourselves to take the other road...and I did, little by little. A bit of sexy "harmless" flirting here. Which lead to hidden "meetings" at work to tell each other sexy fantasies. Which turned into sexual texts and then kissing. "It’s just a kiss, I won’t let it be any more than that." Which eventually led into sneaky weekend rendezvous, dates and trips when my husband wasn’t around, which led into sex. When you choose to veer off the path, each consecutive choice will lead you further and further away and it gets harder and harder to get back on the right path. This man and I both got carried away into this fantasy of ours. We hit it off right away, he and I were totally compatible, and if we were both single I know we’d be in a serious relationship because that’s how well we were together. Anyway, we are with other people, who both are wonderful that we both shouldn’t be hurting like this. We’ve had our discussions about this over the course of 9 months. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Blocking out the guilt. Guilt comes back. Yes it took it’s toll on us, which it should have! It doesn’t help that both of us share the same faith. HYPOCRITES we are! I know! That’s the worst part. And I had been very close in my faith until I chose this affair. It led me away from my relationship with God.

I know I shouldn’t have gotten myself into this in the first place. I know that eventually it would end. I knew that in time my feelings for this man would just deepen. I can recognize the differences between real love and infatuation and/or lust. And I fell in love with this man, knowing full well that later down the road, it would break my heart. Knowing that this whole affair would destroy the innocence and purity of the love in my marriage. Knowing that nothing good can come out of my affair, and that I will have a whole big mess to clean up afterwards. I will have to work things out for myself, by myself. There’s a reason why God wants 1 man to be with 1 woman, He loves us and doesn’t want us to go through all this pain and hurt and mess of affairs and it’s consequences. Why the hell I chose this path of having an affair, I will be analyzing for the rest of my life.

So tomorrow at work is going to be painful day. I’m hoping I can BE STRONG, because I know I am weak. I need to reach back to my faith, ask God to help me through this even though I totally disappointed Him. I know He still loves me and wants more than anything to have me come back to Him. I don’t EVER EVER EVER want to choose this path again. My emotions are a roller coaster ride that I’m trying to sanely talk myself through. I know it’s going to be hell going through the aftermath of this affair. I hope my ramblings had a point here, somewhere. I do empathize with those who have been cheated on; I feel like such a hypocrite and a terrible, terrible person. I just wanted to get this off my chest, thanks for reading (and sorry!!). All those out there going through the ending of their affairs, you are all in my prayers! No matter how hard, things will work out somehow.

written by LostandAlone, 04 May, 2008

Never in my life did I ever think I would be one of "those" women who had an affair. No spouse ever deserves to be cheated on no matter what the situation, and I promise you I have so much guilt and regret for letting this happen.

I am married with 2 children and started a dangerously flirtatious relationship with a married man from work back in October. We both recently had children and I think we saw each other as a break from reality, as wrong as that sounds. He initiated it by flirting tremendously, and I really tried to resist for the first few months.

Like so many others have stated, he gave me the attention I didn’t realize I was missing and made me feel alive again. We live across country from each other and only see each other a few times a year. We developed a friendship at first and it gradually became more and more sexual. We began sending sexual texts and pics to the point of pure obsession. You lose sight of reality and the affair completely consumes you. He and I began having phone sex for about the last two months, until about two weeks ago when his wife just happened to pick up his phone and read a day’s worth of some very revealing texts. He immediately text me to tell me not to communicate with him at all.

It has been so incredibly painful and lonely since that day. I want so badly to move on but I cannot get him out of my mind. He just called me the other day and told me what he has been going through with his wife. They are going to counseling and she of course is so incredibly hurt. I have believed all along that he truly does love his wife. We just have an incredibly strong attraction that we cowardly gave into. I told him that I felt like the worst person in the world and just couldn’t imagine what they are going through, especially his wife. I tried so hard to disguise my still very real feelings for him over the phone.

He is going to be in town next week for a training course that I am also attending. Before his wife found out, we had every intention of getting together at his hotel while he was in town. He asked what I thought it is going to be like now when we see each other...then he asked if I still wanted him. I asked why and he said he couldn’t just stop his feelings for me. And then he ended our conversation by telling me he missed me...to which I couldn’t help reply "I miss you too."

Now I am counting the days until he gets here. I know how wrong it is and I truly want to do the right thing. Yet I’m still fantasizing about what we’ll do when he’s here. His wife is trusting him to be faithful when he is here, but why is he asking if I still want him? Why did he call me? After that phone call I was so relieved to hear him say he missed me. My feelings are so incredibly intense, more than anything I’ve ever experienced. I only wish I knew how to apply that intensity toward my marriage instead of obsessing over this affair.

I know that I need to somehow get out of this mess. It is so damaging to all involved. Yet here I sit, with an unsuspecting husband of my own, consumed with my feelings for this other man and concealing a deep depression that I cannot bring myself to share with friends or family.

I don’t know if this is helpful to anyone, but I thank you for letting me vent and hope the next time I visit this blog I will have found my way out.

written by leftfrozen, 08 May, 2008

I have been in a relationship with a M/M for over 6 years now.(correction, not a relationship, he was never really into it with me) Same story as most, I was previously married, marriage had problems, my husband cheated, left me alone for 1 whole year with my two year old, then, as I tried to keep my life together and move on, met men who seemed to be God sent. He fed me the same usual lines, not happily married, mis-understood, etc. So after 6 years of me investing, Total Love and Devotion, Undenying trust, Commitment, Care and Consideration, countless hours of work, all my professional ability and full commitment to growing his enterprise, not to mention over $300K of my own money as we were business partners, I am faced today with the fact that hes wife wants to talk to me about my affair with her husband, that I, after reading all these posting, completely understand that I will have to walk away without anything, that I will loose my house, my car, and not to mention my sons, 1 from my first marriage, and the son I had with my so called partner in crime!, will, as hard as I my try to overcome this, will have a mother that is left empty, trying to find strength to pick-up the pieces, to forgive herself, to forget the shame of having had this hidden life, the lying, the many unmet needs that come with involving myself with a person that is emotionally unavailable because he will not allow himself to betray his wife and family, yes, he’s body has betrayed her hundreds of times with not only me but many, many other woman that both his wife and I know about, woman we toasted with. At the end of the day, He could sleep around with thousands, but the woman he committed to over 20 years ago, he is still committed to today, and will be till death do them part. She is his true partner, his true friend, the mother of his first born son and in his heart and mind, the only one entitled to his unwaivering commitment, love, compassion and care. He protects her, has her on a pedestal, and nothing, I have always known this, nothing will ever change that. I never wanted him for myself, I know his flaws and did not want this time of man in my life long term, but still knowing this, I stayed, Why? I can’t understand why, I do not love him, I do care for him. But it is not love. I MUST AGREE WITH ALL THOSE WHO POSTED, AN AFFAIR WILL NEVER LEAD YOU TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. IF NOT BECAUSE OF THE OTHERS INVOLVED, IT MIGHT JUST BE BECAUSE MOST OF US THAT GET INTO AN AFFAIR ARE NOT FEELING WHOLE, THERE IS SOME ASPECT OR PART OF US THAT IS STILL SEARCHING FOR WHO KNOWS WHAT, AND WE GET CAUGHT UP IN THE EMOTIONS AND MOTIONS OF HAVING THIS AFFAIR. IN CONCLUSION, I HAVE LOST TWICE, LOST MY SPIRITUALITY, LOST MY SANE HUMAN SELF. HAVE A LOT OF RECONSTRUCTION TO WORK ON!!!! MAY TAKE TWICE THE TIME I SPENT WITH THIS MAN TO REBUILD MYSELF, I WILL, FOR SURE I WILL, GREAT THINGS ARE WAITING FOR ME, NOW THAT I AM FREE!!!!!

written by Shocked, 25 May, 2008

I never imagined that at 18 years of age I would be able to say that I have been a mistress to a 36 year old man with four children 2 of which are the same age as me and also has a wife. It started out as a friendship, very casual but quickly escalated into something much more. He told me he loved me, I never told him that because I knew that I shouldn’t have feelings for him. Only a few days ago I decided he could come to my house while my parents went to dinner. God has a way of knowing when things should end and they have. My parents came home and found us there. We made up some sorry story and prayed that it would work but with the technology of cell phones all the "descriptive" text messages my mom found told her the truth. This man and I work together which as many of you have stated makes it much more difficult to stay strong and not give in to temptation. The day my parents came home he looked at me completely shocked and asked "Can I go out the back?" He was actually going to leave me there to clean up the mess all by myself. It was then in that moment that I knew I had been living in a fantasy world. What disgust me the most though is that he has two twin girls the same age as me, and although he could sleep with me he finds his daughters not attractive in the least bit. Maybe it’s the high a man his age gets being able to smile on the inside that a girl my age thinks he is sexually appealing. At any rate God does everything for a reason and as all of you know it will be much easier said than done to put it behind me and move on and focus on finding someone my own age with no commitments but the interest of making one to me. I on the other hand have decided to make a commitment to myself and that is to find my faith again and let God make the person I am meant to be, not the one I have been.

written by Falling Apart, 26 May, 2008

I’m like so many of you who never thought they would be "the other woman." I married really young, but for 20 years, my husband was my best friend. Then there came a time when he lost his job and became very bitter and negative. It was like he stopped participating in our marriage and family. We became very distant, and I missed the companionship. After a year and a half, I was incredibly lonely.

I had been friends with my boss for almost 10 years and we had been through some really tuff times together at the office, and we were always there to pick each other up. Even though he is my boss now, our friendship first developed when we were just coworkers. He is married too. We had never even flirted, but were truly just friends. The two of us along with about 15 other people from work went to a workshop for about four days. One night after everyone had gone to bed, neither of us could sleep, so we went for a walk on the beach and out of the blue he started telling me how I had been driving him crazy and he needed to feel me next to him. I did kiss him that night, but I fought hard to resist the temptation of more. By the next night, my defenses were so weak and I ended up in his bed. The sex wasn’t even that great, but it was the things he said to me. We both agreed never to let it happen again, and afterwards, I went through some real depression. It was hard seeing him every day at work because that is all I could think about. A year later, it happened again, and six months after that, it happened again. No one at work knows, and neither of our spouses know. We have only had sex three times in two years and we both understand neither of us plan to leave our marriages. We don’t talk on the phone or text for fear of someone finding out. It would destroy both of us. But, I broke the unspoken rule and fell in love with this man. I didn’t tell him about my feelings and since he is not one to talk about his emotions, he has never expressed any feelings other than friendship toward me. About a month ago, I wrote him a letter and told him I cared a lot about him, but things between us would never be any more that what they are right now, and that I needed to get out of his way. I told him that he had a perfect life with everything he want and needed and I wasn’t close to either of those things. I assured him I was not angry and wished him the best.

He emailed me and told me he got the letter and we would talk later. We never did. Now. I have to see him every day at work and even though he is polite, courteous and all the other things a boss is suppose to be, I don’t feel the connection between us anymore, and I’m having a really hard time finding closure.

I know what I have done is wrong on so many levels, but that doesn’t make the hurt I’m feeling any less real. I miss feeling the bond I had with him. I know I have done the right thing by ending it, but the incredible feeling of loss is debilitating. I can’t wait to get to my car every afternoon so I can cry all the way home. Then I have to dry my eyes and put on this cheerful persona, go in and make small talk with my family over dinner. Then I look at them and think how if they only knew, they would be so hurt. How could I have done this to them and to myself, and knowing that and feeling that.....how can I go to work tomorrow and still have feelings and wants for him that are so profound. I know many think someone like me deserves to suffer and that may be so, but I never intended for this to happen and I am truly sorry for what I have done. There is no way I can leave my job, so I am stuck in this purgatory.

written by Guest8, 27 May, 2008

I, too, have had the experiences that most of you seemed to have had. I’ve been married for almost three years to an incredible, sweet man that I don’t deserve. Prior to marrying him, I was seeing someone who was married. I thought the married man was the love of my life – same way you all felt...we clicked, had many common interests, sparks flew, etc.

I worked hard to put the married man out of my mind. Though I saw him often in social and professional settings, I tried to focus on my relationship with my husband. The married man and I would ignore one another in public and my husband knew about our past.

Recently, the married man came back into my life. As much as I would like to say those old feelings weren’t there, I was surprised to see how vivid and alive my emotions still were. I started talking with him and allowing myself to think we were only going to be friends.

In the meantime, every thing my poor husband did drew a silent comparison to the married man. My husband is not the most emotional or passionate man. I know he loves me but we rarely have sex, I feel as if he knows nothing about the real me and we don’t seem to be working towards the life I felt we had agreed upon when we married – kids, travel together, real companionship. I feel like I’m my husband’s good pal and roommate – not lover or wife.

This does not excuse what happened next with my married friend...benign conversation turned into ‘what if’, we discussed having sex and we made plans to spend one day together and told ourselves that the one time would get our past feelings out of our systems – right. I felt a mixture of excitement, desire, guilt and sadness all at once. Our one day never happened because he pulled away. He said that his wife found out. I’m not quite sure if his story was true but I knew that I had to tell my husband what I had done.

The long and short of it is that even after six years, I still care a great deal for this married man. I don’t think it means that I’m lacking something in my soul, am an amoral person or am an absolute idiot. But, I will say I’ve been very irresponsible and played around with the lives of many others. I am sorry for the hurt I’ve caused people and myself. I am now working through things with my husband and trying to be fair to him. I’m not sure what will happen with us. I’m silently working through the break-up feelings I have over the married man, while trying to recognize the positive in my current relationship. I’m not quite sure what the married man is doing.

written by Forgiven, 27 May, 2008

My affair ended 3 months ago. We have known each other since college (27 years!!). We have seen each other several times during my 24 year marriage and he is on his second marriage. Yes, you could say we are "soul mates", but not enough for him to leave his wife of 14 years now and two children. It is over as he told her everything 3 months ago. He is an alcoholic and has many issues, his wife had not had sex with him but 3 times in 10 years...she has many difficulties. She is a youth leader at their large church and has a father who is a prominent attorney and a mother who is a federal judge. Need I say more. I was used for the sex, and though I know he was "in love" with me...he chose his wife and children in the end as it was his social reputation at risk.
Do not get involved or break off your affair with a married man immediately, there are no good endings! This man and I have loved each other for 27 years and it still didn’t work!! I am heartbroken, I did not tell my husband and it is best. We are working on our marriage and I know the other man is a worthless, narcissistic, alcoholic pig!!
His wife looks like a dyke but who am I to judge???

written by doingtherightthing, 29 May, 2008

Ending affairs is never easy, because they aren’t normal and anyone who judges... Please, if you have never done anything wrong or made bad judgments in your life, then maybe your opinion would matter to me.

I just ended a relationship that went on less than a year. I can tell you honestly, that we did fall in love, and we did care for each other very deeply. We would try to end it, and then one person would text, and one person would call and then, back together again. But it came down to that we BOTH wanted more from each other, but we could not provide that and probably neither wanted to for whatever reason. There was already enough hurt, and we didn’t want to create more.

When I saw that he wasn’t in a position to end things and just felt too weak to do so, I ended it. All contact. I changed my number, changed my email, didn’t take calls (you can end it if you really, really want to). I did send him an email, and he responded agreeing that it was the right thing to do. The fact of the matter is that love doesn’t always mean leaving your partner to be with this person... sometimes it means letting go, so that the other person can live a happier life, even if that means not being with you. It means wanting that person to be happy, even if it means not being happy with you.

I won’t lie... it hurts like hell, and I miss him. I miss confiding in him, and talking to him, and telling him my secrets. Sharing things with him, the intimacy and the real love that I believe we both felt. But in my heart, I know what I did was the right thing, and now at least I can wake up in the morning and feel good about this decision, even if other decisions were not the right ones. rather than stressing out about someone knowing... and know that I don’t have to lie anymore and that I am a better person than all of this and he will be too.

written by It’s really hard, 01 June, 2008

I am getting ready to end my affair of almost 2 years. For the first year it was a casual thing, we didn’t talk about his wife and children much. Then last July I was tired of being the "other women" and tried to end it. He pursued me and told me he loved me, told me he was thinking about a life with me. He and his wife broke up a couple times. She finally found out about me which was very painful. I still feel guilty about it and am sorry for the hurt I caused her. He still says he can’t decide who he wants to be with, he tells me one thing one day and something else the next day. I am very tired of this. I need to move on with my life. I am single and alone, but I have a great life and know that I’ll be ok, even if I have to go thru the grief process for awhile. I really believed he was my soul mate and I’d found the right guy, but if he can’t decide then I guess I was very wrong. As soon as I let go of the dream I believe I can move on. It’s going to be hard because as of right now he thinks I am still waiting. I have no idea if it’s best to tell him it’s over or just stop accepting calls and emails. I’ve been sick over this for 6 months and it’s time I made a decision for myself. I believe the love I feel for him is real but sadly I no longer the love he feels for me is real otherwise he’d be here now. Thanks for reading and wish me luck.

written by It’s really hard, 01 June, 2008

It’s really hard to end something that I thought was so real, but in reality it wasn’t real, it was something I had in my head and in my heart, and perhaps never in his. I am done being the other women, I am better than that and I deserve better. Good luck to all of you and wish me luck!!

written by wrong path wanda, 02 June, 2008

I have appreciated the postings on this site. I too have been a weak woman and the wonderful friendship has turned into an affair. It truly is sad. I am divorced from a man who left me for a younger woman. You’d think that all that pain and agony would have taught me. Here I am on the third attempt at letting go of my co-worker. We have worked together for four years and I had always thought that we had clear lines that we would not cross. We have crossed them and it’s not okay. He will never leave what he has...he’s comfortable and I am just the free side item.
It helps to have read all your postings. I pray God will grant me strength. I am reading Psalm 51.

written by I sent him a card., 05 June, 2008

I saw this guy who I really liked the look of. I was obsessed for like 6 months. So I ended up sending him a Valentines card. (I left my number in it.) and two days later he text me. After the 4th text I asked him if he was single. He said he was. When he knew the card was not a wind up he called me and told me that he was living with his G/F but he was not with her. He also had a baby. She has an illness which there is no cure and like so many men He is with her for the kid. They argue a lot! apparently.

So four days later we met up. We only met about four/five times over the course of a month but It was intense. I mean really Intense. I wanted him and he wanted me.

The last time we met, He told me that he was gutted that he couldn’t be with me. Because of his situation. He said he loves his G/F like a sister but was not in love with her. and there are nights when he stays in his car a work instead of going home.

We never slept with each other and only kissed twice but we would talk for hours about nothing. We had so much in common.
One weekend the phone calls stopped and I felt like I was doing all the running. Although there was no nastiness or warning.

I am missing him like hell but reading this blog has made me delete his number from my phone. I miss him and feel like I found my true soul mate. But I know that at this moment in time he hasn’t got the strength to walk out on the only life he has ever known.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forget him of stop missing him. Is there any guys who feel they married the wrong woman?

I mean I asked him "Did you ever talk with her for hours the way we do."

He said "no"

No? Surely the basis of any relationship is that you can talk about nothing for hours. Or am I just too young an naive.

written by Guest27, 07 June, 2008

I am sad to say that I am probably the youngest person on this post have had an affair, but I am glad to see so many empathetic posts. I had an affair at age 18 with an older married man who was, initially, a mentor. It lasted a year, and ended with him initially cutting off contact, followed by a series of excuses a year or so later.

What still gets me is his wife knew about it and did nothing. I know there is a big difference between 24 and 18, but to any married ladies out there who are suffering, take comfort in the fact that the other woman is too. And if she is young, realize that maturity doesn’t come with a birthday. It comes with hard experience.

Looking back 6 years, all I can say is this: The grief will suck away at you initially. Get distance. Find good friends. Life WILL get better. Therapy really helped me get over my anger and (ironically) feelings of betrayal.

You CAN and WILL find a better man.

written by It’s really hard, 07 June, 2008

I really wonder about the true soul mate thing. I thought I felt that with the married man I was seeing, but now that things are tough between him, me and his wife I wonder if he really is my soul mate. Things have changed since he left his wife, our relationship is full of tension. You see last Sunday I was going to end my affair with him and told him so on Monday morning, but that same day his wife did something very mean and cruel to me and I ended up calling him to tell him. It was all very emotional and I felt that I needed his support. We’ve been talking every day since and say we love each other. At this time I am not sure where I want the relationship to go, it just all seems so hard right now. If you’re young and single don’t be fooled by the soul mate thing, there are plenty of men out there who are willing to be your soul mate.

written by Law Student, 15 June, 2008

I ended my 12 year affair with married man last August. I was a 24 year old law student, and he was my professor, 16 years my senior. It’s almost a year later, and I still miss him very much. He was my best friend, we spoke at least 3 hours every day. I have been with several men since, but it just isn’t the same. I still feel so broken. He doesn’t try to contact me anymore because I made it impossible for him to do so. I hope he is doing all right. I wonder if he still loves me, or if he managed to forget me. Will I feel this way forever.....

written by NEED HELP !!, 24 June, 2008

I’m a 29 year old woman whom just got out of an 8 year relationship. I was not married nor have any kids. My married man works for the same company as I do, we do not work in the same department. I do seem him around and we have been flirting for about one year. We are physically attracted to each other and love the attention he gives me. I know he is married he wears his ring all the time. He comes to my office and visit me brings me coffee and stuff like that. We have seen each other outside of work four times or so. We kiss and just recently had sex for the first time. This is all new to me and I don’t know what to do, think, act I’m lost and don’t know if I should keep this "relationship" going. He is all for it and so what I but as I read these stories I feel bad and KARMA is skary. Please help !!

written by Strength, 26 June, 2008

Dear NEED HELP!
RUN!!!!! Do not get involved. The heartache and depression is not worth it in the end. These comments are for real and will never explain the pain you will feel in your heart. Please trust what I’m saying to you. I wish I had read these comments before I started my affair. I was with my MM for 6 months and have experienced so much pain. An affair will never bring you happiness. I will be 31 and this is the hardest lesson I’ve ever learned. I will never be with a MM ever again. I ended my relationship 2 days ago and I know that it’s gonna be hard but the agony of waiting for them and wondering when you will see them next consumes and takes all your happiness away. Please RUN!!! You are young and there are plenty of available men out there. You will be come very insecure, unhappy and the pain is not worth getting caught up in. As for anyone that makes a comment about these woman being pathetic or that an affair is not real love, please do not judge anyone before you walk a mile in their shoes. You do not have any business being on this site and judging anyone because you are not GOD. Please find another hobby because we are going through enough and your comments are not wanted. We know that the situation wasn’t right but no one is perfect and my MM continued to pursue me and still does. I’m finally choosing the path that I should have from the beginning and I know in my heart that I will never allow another MM to get past the word hello in the future.

written by tryingtogetoverit, 01 July, 2008

It’s good to know that you’re not alone..
I am a cheater who ended a short affair with a co-worker because we got caught by my spouse. Somewhere along the way our marriage grew apart, I felt lonely and I found friendship with another man. The friendship was real, the physical connections was lovely.
My spouse and I are still together and we’re trying to work things out, it’s hard and painful and it’s just a beginning of a long process of self discovery for both of us.
For those of you who are thinking about cheating, DON’T!
Spare your self the drama and the pain on your significant other or yourself..Please realize there are so many lives you affect by your actions and the universe has a funny way of getting back at you.

written by Confused man, 27 July, 2008

I am a cheater, a married man who felt his marriage after 2 kids had gone so cold I needed sexual validation from somebody, anybody. A woman I would see on a daily basis through work was right there telling me everything a man wants to hear, and in short order we were doing it right there where she worked! At first we both knew it was just sex, but that was short-lived and we fell in love. after just a few short months we ended it as i told my wife of my betrayal, which didn’t end my marriage, but i do think gave us both the wake up call we needed to pay attention to each other the way married people should. so after 6 years of not seeing this woman, we have reconnected, not sexually, although we came awfully close a week ago, she is working on a new relationship, and I am committed to my wife and family. the hard part is that all these emotions didn’t disappear. Its just as hard now as is was then, only now we, or more she, has decided to only be friends without the sex. An admirable notion, but it’s not going to last. I know this and i’m sure she does. The influence we have over one another is far too powerful for either of us to be trusted with. I don’t want to hurt my family or her again, but us crashing into each other between the sheets just seems inevitable, and I know I’m not strong enough to resist this. How do you harden your heart against someone you don’t want to? please somebody tell me, I can see a train wreck coming my way and I can’t tear myself out of harm’s way, I’ve told her I can’t do the whole love affair thing with her again, but there is nothing i want more. I am so confused. my marriage has cooled again and right on cue, my savior turns up. GOD HELP ME, I’M IN HELL. I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS!!!!

written by It’s really hard, 28 July, 2008

Just a quick update. I broke off the affair on July 7th. The last time I spoke to the MM was July 12th, since then there has been no communications at all, no emails and no phone calls. I am doing really well, I think the drama of the past few months has made me see that my relationship with him was just never going to work. Even if he got divorced I’d still have to deal with his wife. You all take care and make the right choices for you and no one else.

written by Pink11, 02 August, 2008

One comment I would like to make. Maybe this is so obvious to everyone but did you notice that almost every affair I’m reading here dealt with someone at work. Do you agree with me when I say that is so they could have the affair during working hours and the wife will never notice. I know this because a married man that I got involved with and have been with for almost 3 years was also someone I met at work. He talked horribly about his wife at first. I noticed how different he is with me compared to with her after hearing him on the phone with her. He still takes care of her and jumps for her even though he talked terribly about her. When he was with me it was more physical and emotional and sort of considered him not to jump for me. I have trouble getting my work complete because he spends all day up my ass...wants all the guys at work to know so no one will talk to me and now it is only phone conversations after his wife goes to bed or busy. I am glad he chose to go back to her and I definitely want it to end. He makes me feel degraded. Our big mission is which side road we should turn down where hopefully no other car will come see us doing the wild thing. It hurts but if he is doing that to her does that mean when things get rocky with us he will do the same to me?

written by Pink11, 02 August, 2008

Just try to think of those times with the married person as just some great times and great memories. It was just a great dream that you kept having every day (how ever long you were with the cheater)... don’t turn them into nightmares now that the married person is gone. Keep what you shared positive and try not to look past that. Just keep the good memories alive.

written by happyending?, 04 August, 2008

I too am knee deep in an affair with a married man. It has been going on for 6 mos now and I am getting more and more confused. The highs and lows are starting to get to me and I am starting to feel more angered about the partitioning of his time.
We worked very closely together and were always great friends and a great team. It seemed like we could accomplish anything together. After about 9 mos of mild flirting, a myriad of intellectual conversations, after work drinks, even some weekend activities with both of our significant others and mutual friends, and an undeniable physical, intellectual, and emotional connection, it turned into more. I was in a relationship (not married) when we met and for the first 4 mos of the affair that I have since ended. He is still married, but tells me he is leaving and is trying to get from here to the "divorced point" as quickly and cleanly as possible. I truly believe him, although after reading this entire blog, I am wondering if I should. I have always considered myself a confident, intelligent, secure person and never ever would have predicted that I would end up in a situation like this.

Things between us are extremely good. We communicate so easily even about this messy stuff we are going through. We both consider that the connection that we have is very "special" and that we can make it work once all the necessary changes are made (him leaving his wife) and the dust settles.
Are there any happy endings out there? Any examples of a relationship starting as an affair, then one or both people leave their significant others and the two of them end up living happily ever after together? I just need some hope that it is possible despite the complicated beginnings.

written by I made a mistake, 07 August, 2008

I don’t know if you all know about a site called marriage builders, but that’s where the wife of the MM I was seeing posts her comments about the affair and how they are going about rebuilding the relationship. Anyway, I posted on the site, I didn’t bother her or intrude on her posts, but she found out it was me and posted on my thread. Needless to say I was wrong and now I’ve taken a set back in the progress I’ve made at letting all of this go.
It’s not back to square one, but it’s still a step back.
As far as a relationship that starts as an affair, I believe it can happen but it’s rare and is going to be a roller coaster for everyone especially if his wife finds out about you. Good luck.

written by Dear Confused Man, 14 August, 2008

You already have the answer. You can’t be friends with this woman, period! I don’t understand why, after 6 years, you and this woman have decided to reconnect. I find that when two people truly love each other, they will do whatever is necessary, to be together. You said that you told your wife about the other woman and that this was a wake up call for the both of you. I’m assuming this wasn’t a pleasant time in your wife’s life. Regardless of her pain, she stayed to work her marriage out with you. You and your wife stayed together because, I believe, she is who you loved. You both decided to do what was necessary to be together.

Marriage, as you know, has it’s good years and it’s bad. Without the hard times, we’d never know how strong our love for our spouse is. I don’t know you or the women in your life, but I feel safe in knowing that you would regret loosing your wife in this way. If this other woman was your answer, you could have never made the choice you made 6 years ago.
Believe me, I know how difficult it is to let go of someone who brings that feeling of alive back into your life, after feeling half dead. You are thinking about reaching out to the wrong person. If you feel your marriage is unworkable, leave it. You most certainly have the right to be happy. Sometimes, divorce can be the best choice for everyone involved, including children. Then go from there. If your friend is free, who knows?
I feel that if you react in a way, you know isn’t right for you now, you’ll only be deeply hurt in the end.
Good luck!

written by Traccy, 25 August, 2008

I am going through the roughest time in my life right now. I have been seeing a married man for over a year and a half.. I tried to break this relationship off so many times and he wouldn’t let me. He would call, come over, and if he found out I was seeing someone else, he would call them and confront them about our relationship.. and him married!! he told me I was his life he wanted to marry me and what all we could have and do. Just when I became happier in our relationship he looked at me and said " your going to hate me for this, but my wife is pregnant" talk about a jaw dropping, semi hitting experience. I am crushed. I felt as if my heart has been ripped out of me!! I got so mad I called his wife and told her about our affair. I was so hurt that he could do this to me.. I thought that she had the right to know what a loser her cheating husband is. Why should I be in so much pain and him off free with his happy family. I don’t know what the out come of this situation. I hope she figures him out and leaves him. He doesn’t deserve to be happy. He has cause everyone so much pain and misery. I know I am also to blame! and what I got deserved me right!!

written by annonymous, 28 August, 2008

I have recently have ended an affair, mostly of the heart. I had met this man before I met my husband, over 10 years ago. We dated for a short time, but what we had was very intense... but more for him than me. I was a Freshman in college, and I was raised in a home where sex was not talked about or dealt with. So I did not think of myself as a sexual being. He, on the other hand, did. He decided that we were moving to fast, and ran; leaving me behind with a lot of questions. Fast forward 10 years, and I found him on an online thing (I don’t want to name the group, but it’s a popular social networking group). My intentions were purely to find out how he was doing as I could see by his profile picture that he was married with a young child. I myself am married with two small children. We started chatting, and it wasn’t long before he became inappropriate... but I sort of liked it. However, I questioned it and he decided we should no longer have contact. Three weeks later he contacts me and it got really hot. I told him to back off, he pursued again and we actually met up. And here’s the kicker... there was no chemistry on his end. I felt like he took one look at me and was turned off. He arranged for us to meet! He decided how and where! And can you guess what he did? He ran again. Now I’m left with a heaping mess of emotions, and no one to talk to. I miss him so much, but not necessarily for the romance. I miss the friendship we had started to build before the whole thing got out of hand. I go back and forth between hating him and missing him all in the blink of an eye. What is killing me is I’m sure that he’s fine. Here I am, falling apart, but pretty sure that he is doing fine. Is it really possible to move on? I feel so silly! He is such a jerk, and yet I miss him! What is wrong with me?! He broke my heart twice. Once in college, and just recently. Can one really get over that twice? And the worst part is, my husband doesn’t have a clue. So I feel terrible that I did such a thing in the first place. I love my husband, what was I thinking? Obviously I wasn’t... But how do I move on? How do I fight the urge to e-mail this guy and give him a piece of my mind and tell him I miss him every moment of every day?

written by Getting Smart, 28 August, 2008

A book that was helpful to me was called "His Needs Her Needs". Also a web site called "Marriage Builders" has a format on questions and answers and has a site for infidelity that also addresses the other woman. Another old book is called "Smart Woman Foolish Choices". I hope this helps.

written by Lovesick, 05 September, 2008

How these posts have helped me! I can’t believe so many of you are going through the same as me!
My situation in a nutshell. I love a man I met at work. We are both married. Good friends. Lots of flirting. Drunken kiss. He has left work for another job now. Saw him last week at leaving do. Told me he loved me etc etc.
I emailed him day after. Told him couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation.
Emailed me back 2 days later – told me he couldn’t remember much about our conversation that night but whatever it was don’t take to heart.
I’m in bits. Can’t eat, sleep or concentrate.
Why has he hurt me like this? Any men out there can tell me what is going through his mind?
Thanks

written by guest26, 05 September, 2008

I have had some type of affair with a married man. He is a professional musician who is very popular. We met a year ago when I got backstage after one of his concerts. I gave him my card hoping that I could do some artwork for him because I am a painter and wanted to do his portrait. I hung out with the band for about three days and actually became very close to the drummer. The drummer and I have kept in touch for a year now. However, after our initial meeting last year, the married lead singer came into my town a month later BY HIMSELF and called me up. I didn’t think anything about hanging out with him because I hung out with everyone the month before and nothing bad happened. So, I met up with him and we talked for hours and hours. When I started getting sleepy, he made a move. He was not wearing a wedding ring, but I told him that I couldn’t do anything with him because I am not the type of person who has one-night stands. We kissed for a few hours and I got up and went home. It was so hard to do. I went home and looked through my cds and found a dedication to his wife and also read a recent blog that said he was still married. Anyway, months go by and he calls me up again and I tell him that I cannot meet up with him because I don’t want to be caught in the same predicament. He says it’s cool for us to hang and he’ll respect me. Anyway, I should mention that I was EXTREMELY attracted to him and was fighting my flesh so hard. I literally had the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. I went and when I got there, we ended up kissing again, but I left before anything could happen. About ten days ago, I threw caution to the wind and I went over and we ended up having sex. The worst part about it is that I knew that I was going to feel the TREMENDOUS guilt that I feel now, but I was sooooo lonely and so attracted and soooo foolish. I don’t know what to do with these feelings and I find myself hating myself and then at times, it doesn’t seem real...like it never happened. He’s the first guy that I have been with in almost 3 years and I have no idea what I’m going to do when he calls me again. I feel like pond scum with no self-control. The worst thing also is that I get approached by married men all the time and I have no problem turning them down. This guy put some voodoo on or something, because he pretty much wore me down. I hate him and I can’t resist him and I feel like crap. I hope that other women have more self-control than I did.

written by iwanttodie, 05 September, 2008

I recently had an affair with a married man I have known for years. earlier this year, we began meeting each other to run together. We ran in some races together also, so we had something in common. We would talk and confide in one another during our runs. He would often speak poorly of his wife and that she was lazy and a few pounds overweight. This extra attention towards me really made me feel good, as I was lonely and enjoyed spending time with someone whom I share a common interest with.
We would send each other emails on a daily basis, and began to flirt with each other. One day, the flirting led to incredible foreplay and oral sex. He left his wife that night. He moved into my home for a solid month. The man fixed everything in my home that needed repairs, worked on my car, bought food, and made me my coffee every morning.
Then, one day, when I went to visit my daughter at college, I returned to find him gone.

I emailed and called him for 2 days with no reply. I wanted to die. Then, he finally sent me an email. Stating that he had returned home to his wife and her 2 grown children. He has been married for 16 years and "had too many deep rooted emotions"

The worst part of this story is while he was living with me, he promised a life with me, had seen a lawyer, referred to his wife as his "ex" and had seen a banker to relocate his funds. I was currently in the process of a career change, and quit the job I had hated with his blessing and promise to support me.

Now Im left not only with out him, but with no job that will cover my bills!!! I am also a single parent of 2 teens. He replied in his one email that he would help me until I began my new career, but so far I haven’t seen the money!!! Also, no reply from him for the past 3 days. I honestly feel completely snowed and scared out of my mind. I cant sleep, I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. Can someone give me some advice. I have no close friends or family that I feel I can confide in. The pain is ripping me apart.

I find it interesting that a lot of people wrote about that the affairs felt like a fantasy.....that’s exactly how mine felt. Every red flag went up, every alarm sounded, but I wanted so much for it to be a fairy tale ending for my single-mom, daily-struggle, low-income life.

I’m heartbroken, scared , lonely and I don’t know what to do...Its been less than a week, and it doesn’t feel easier.

written by Letting Go, 06 September, 2008

I am responding to "iwanttodie"- It does get easier, really it does. It has been almost 2 months since I’ve heard from the married guy I was seeing. I still think about him and miss him but I am not grieving anymore. I am going on with my life as usual. I am working on being a better person and trying to figure out why I allowed myself to be taken in by him. I mean after all I knew he was married. All married men say the same thing, they lure us in and find our weaknesses. No wonder we think it’s all a fairy tale! I am not saying married men are evil or deceptive, although some are, but they are confused and are going about trying to feel complete and happy the wrong way. We have to be stronger than they are, we have to work at being the best we can be and let them figure things out for themselves. It’s really hard, but if I can do it you can do it. Be good to yourself, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, but live each and every day. Life is too short. Good luck.

written by getting better, 06 September, 2008

I would suggest getting involved with a support group. I have met wonderful friends and have learned a lot from them. I find that people who are lonely can set themselves up for the wrong company. Get involved with some activities that will be fun for you and also helpful for you to grow personally.

written by Penny571, 07 September, 2008

I was thinking today how the married guy I was seeing keep me lured in, how he kept saying the things I wanted to hear for so long. All the lies, he lied to me and to her over and over again. But yet, she blames me for everything. I was evil and the wrong doer. I will admit to my part of it, but it’s not like I forced him or went to his house and lured him away. He was online looking long before he met me. Long before. He actually had 2 affairs before me, but it was me he "fell in love" with. What ever that means, nothing now since he’s gone back to "work on his marraige". Something he should have done in the first place. He said all the right things, it was not all my fault. I am very pissed at him and at her for the hurt that was caused to me and my family. As far as I am concerned I am just as much a victim as she is, he kept making promises that he knew he wasn’t going to keep. At some point all of this will be just another memory, but for right now I am angry and hurt that for the past year all he did was tell me what I needed to hear to so he could keep me close and still have her. For her to blame me and try to ruin my life was wrong. He had a bigger part in this. I didn’t make a promise of fidelity to her, he did. He broke his promise not me. Theres time I want to rant and rave about this to him, but no, he’s gone back to her after all the crap he went back. Amazing.

written by heartbroken in GA, 08 September, 2008

The break up is still too fresh to discuss! I have noticed out of all the comments none of you mention whether or not you had any children with this man; whether or not this man was living a Double life, by being a Major part of the child/children’s upbringing; whether or not you and the man went on Real Dates, doctor appointments, etc? I am curious he stayed even after promising her that he’d break all contact, her threats of killing him; discovering by me that we were still in Contact and what she had said to him (a definite no-no Confiding my Ultimatums, feelings, Tactics and Threats with Your Other Woman; etc. I have lost over 6lbs in 3 days, can’t eat, sleep, all I do is Cry, because my children are asking/looking for their Daddy. She wants him to take me to Court for Visitation, no Contact with me. We tried to end things Amicably several times in the past two months and he Kept Coming Back behaving like his usual Self, stating he missed me and didn’t ever want to see me Heartbroken again, that he was hurting too, he even cried when the children ran out the house to him and hugged him. He and her don’t have any children together, she can’t have any; but she adopted his older two from a Previous Marriage. We met because of a Major Breakup I had with my Ex and became friends fastly, and one thing led to another while I was at my Weakest Moments and he and I were together for almost three years, our babies are a year old, he was there every step of the way and my older children Adored him, he went above and beyond assuming the step-parent role with them, being involved with their schooling, etc. I don’t really have but one friend to Confide in others are being so Judgmental, etc and I don’t like discussing my Feelings.

written by Sapphirey, 15 September, 2008

I can totally relate to your plight. I just ended my affair 2 weeks ago. We started out as colleagues and our friendship got closer for the next 2 years. In fact we always thought of each other as bro/sis. However, we shifted to a new office location (I blame it on the stress & frequent after work drinks) and that was when our relationship started. He initiated the 1st kiss and things began to get hot and heavy. I guess I must have listened to my heart rather than my head then. The very next day, I questioned him about what happened. He was very easygoing about it and he even said if we dont think its wrong, its not wrong. Smitten, I made myself believe that. Things were great for about 3 months and then our misunderstandings got worse until he couldn’t take the pressure anymore and decide to confess to his wife. She forgive him but not me. In order not to betray her anymore, he quit the job & cut all contacts with me. I am missing him so much now, not missing him as my lover, but I felt I’ve lost my best friend. Do you think he will try to make contact with me one day? He left me with so many questions unanswered. I want to hate him but our past friendship prevents me from hating him. I’m in a dilemma now. Please help me!!

written by JJ Just Here, 19 September, 2008

It’s been incredible to read all these posts! I am seeing a pattern: a great deal of married women who have had or are having an affair with a married man have done so through work.
What a relief! I was starting to think I was a total nutcase and knowing that I’m not alone in this situation. Your wise and candid confessions make me feel empowered to get over my affair – which I did only over a week ago-.
My conundrum? Well, I understand I have to distance myself from him and cut all ties but it’s hard when we work together in an online environment and I KNOW he is there: true wise words I have read: I am obsessing more over him than I bet he thinks about me.
I picture all the luscious nights and indulging moments? Quite frankly, I know he was getting more out of my sexual drive than I from him. He is intelligent and a good friend but reading all your experiences is making me think I am still in a good time to drop and get over it before I fall in too deep. Choke me in the shallow water, anyone?
Second step today: not cry. Third step: delete his number from my mobile. Fourth step: do not propose an intimate good bye.!
I’ve been married for 10 years. I love my husband but his inconsistent behavior between anger and depression has worn me out.
In December he left me standing in the middle of Shibuya in Tokyo holding the hand of my 8 year old son whilst he threw a man tantrum: something inside me broke like I knew I couldn’t’ love him as deep. The next day, I realized I was too worthy to put up with that. By changing my pattern of reaction from crying and asking him t o come back to: I?m taking my son to the zoo, my husband started too change. He is great now, passionate and an awesome support but I feel its too late
In March this colleague of mine who?s wife has abandoned him on the bed-side of things, starts flirting with me and I with him. We had crazy night and then the flirting turned into full on scheming how to sync our travel diaries. We have been together quite intensely about 6 times. I was convincing myself that we were together to bring the best out of each other? I mean, WTF? And NOW I realize: ?I?m a total JERK?. He loves my body, my smile, my natural ability to reach climax without faking it?..I like the fact that he admires me and he is not going to have an emotional melt down on me. My bar is not too high. His kids are lovely and I know for fact that his wife ? in other circumstances ? would die to keep him close. So last Thursday I found out I was pregnant. Without thinking I had an abortion because I knew I couldn?t go down this path. It was a hard wake up call. I called on Friday and told him we had to stop. That I needed to give him space to work on his sex life with his lovely wife and that I love him too much to be selfish about it. It?s been 7 days without approaching him romantically but we work so close its tough. I feel I want to focus on looking at what I want for a partner: its gotta be better than shared and better than being scared of being alone.

written by Heartsick1612, 26 September, 2008

My affair of over a year ended yesterday. We don’t work together but met thru my business. He is married and I have a boyfriend. It started with him calling me asking work-related questions and then drifting into other subjects in the same call. Pretty quickly we were talking on the phone everyday maybe 3 or 4 times a day. Simple things of "how is your day", sports, etc. We both needed someone to talk to who wasn’t home or work. He told me that his wife had become indifferent to him and he had tried different things to rekindle her interest to no avail. He did it all at home cook, clean, grocery shop, laundry, yard, you name it was his responsibility per her and works full time and belongs to several professional assoc.

I found myself agian with just this man’s friendship. Like I woke-up out of a fog I had been living in. He made me want to aspire to be better at everything and I renewed old hobbies and friendships. He gave me the desire to go back to college after 12 years. His influence in my life has only been positive.

After six months we had a few brief sexual encounters, lots of phone sex but mostly lots of phone calls. Our physical sex was not that great, but phone was awesome.

I have never met man who made me tingle or invoke such a sexual response by a brief touch or a "good morning" on the phone. My heart has never skipped a beat until I met this man.

Through a series of events his wife checked his cell ph records and found out how much we were talking. She knew we were friends and talked and he would even call me with her in the car. She finally blinded sided him a few weeks ago about pulling his cell records for the last year. He tried to explain we were just friends, but she didn’t believe him. He called and told me a few days ago he had to come clean and tell her the truth if he wants to save his marriage. At that time he told me how much he loved her and couldn’t live without her, the first he had ever told me that. He confused to almost everything (why hurt her more) and he is not sure if she will work things out. She is refusing counseling or talking to their pastor, so how much does she really want this marriage?

At this point she only wants to inflict pain on him and knows how. Even his one grown child could understand his need for a woman friend and we have met several times.

My boyfriend never knew about the affair and I will never tell, he doesn’t need to be hurt.

I went into this relationship b/c I needed someone who cared about me! My safey and well-being, problems I was having w/ my boyfriend,general everyday things it was nice to know that someone, other your mother , cared about you. He was someone I could turn to for advice, guidance, and in crisis.

In this short of time he told me a few times he loved me. In 5 yrs my boyfriend never has come close.

The emptiness I feel now is in loosing my best friend not just a lover. There will be a terrible void were his calls use to be and will be the hardest part to over come. No one knows what someone else’s life is like behind close doors and what they are going thru and sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to be happy and survive. Don’t judge someone by their affair b/c you could unsuspectingly find yourself in this situation.

I will always love this man, but like all of you will go on with my life and keep my memories of my love forever.

written by tessmull, 28 September, 2008

For the 3rd time I just ended the same affair. We both are married. As being described over and over by others, he is a wonderful friend, very attentive, excellent father to his children and the most amazing sex of my life.

However, I am the only one willing to leave the spouse. He says, oh yes it will come in time, but you know its just BS. He just likes the amazing sex and (according to him) his wife hasn’t had sex with him in 10 years because of a hormonal imbalance. Poor thing, don’t you think?

I love the advise above about ending it totally, even to the point of moving if necessary. I am currently in therapy for "attachment disorder", which sounds like a common theme for many.

It is indeed and extremely excruciatingly painful process to get over. But this time I am determined to do it. My therapist has advised that you don’t tell the spouse about the affair, really bad news indeed and only hurts.

It is best to totally let go and work on your marriage.

Thanks everyone for sharing, this is a wonderful and unusual forum. Helps me realize that I am not the only one in the same situation.

written by the fool, 30 September, 2008

I was reading these post because I wanted to find a cure to heal my wife. I cheated on her with a married woman. Typical stuff, we both felt unloved and unwanted in our marriages. The thing is that I always loved my wife, but after being together for 12 years i felt like a provider, boring man, who had no passion in his life. I met a woman at work and we began the talking and relating how much we had in common, the feeling of not being understood and loved and the attraction. Eventually our affair turned sexual, I separated from my wife during this time but as soon as the other woman started to tell me she loved me I got scared and left her and went back to my wife. My wife didn’t find out. Two years later I resumed my affair with the same woman, again me and my wife separated. I felt great with the other woman. I didn’t have any responsibilities to her, I didn’t have have to pay bills or worry about anything with her. we saw each other at our best, had sex told each other anything, and everything I felt great because I liked how I felt about myself with her. with my wife I had obligations, responsibilities, etc. This woman had her own husband to take care of all of that for her so we could just tell each other how much we loved each other have sex once a week and that it. It was nice, but i always wanted my wife back and eventually we got back, unfortunately just as we did she found out everything. THAT CHANGED THE WHOLE PICTURE. all of a sudden I realized that my selfish, insecure actions had probably lost me the best thing in the world to me. I begged, pleaded, ANYTHING my wife has asked me to do. Yet she still wants to me to leave and tells me to go back to ^%$$%$ my whore. I realize now what a fool i have been. I have been with my wife for 17 years and i was the biggest fool ever. I told the other woman everything the posts say her. I too told her we were soul mates etc... in the end... the only person that matters is my wife. But she cant seem to forgive me, It has been a year and she still yells, cusses, call me vile names which I deserve, since I broke my vows to her. I want to know if she will ever forget the images, the thoughts that she says she has of me touching another woman. I see now how disgusting she must feel I am so ashamed of my actions, if I could erase the past I would but I can’t. AN affair is stupid and selfish. My children suffered, my wife is suffering and I will lose the best thing in the world just because I was not man enough to confront my problems instead of seeking solace in another woman. I hate the other woman because she was married, and I asked my wife once, why she had not cheated on me while we were separated and she said, she had a chance to but she cared for the other married man enough to tell him to get lost and work on his marriage. And she had too much respect for herself to degrade herself. The other woman may believe that I loved her but I admit I cared for her, but real love is about sacrificing everything for. That would be my wife... but like a fool... it may be too late.

written by How Did I Get Into This Mess, 12 October, 2008

I have been the other woman for 16 months. I met a man referred by my brother to do work on my house. We became friendly then romance developed. I promised myself I would never get into this type of situation. After 16 months of only seeing someone once a week and sometimes once a month because of our busy schedules I was feeling ready to move on. I place no blame because I went into this with my eyes wide open. I had the speech ready. I was going to say,"You are everything I want except you’re married and I really want to find someone I can marry." Well, he was over yesterday and said he could only stay for a couple of hours because he had to run to give an estimate. He received a call from the other "customer" while at my house and I overheard her make reference to undressing before he arrived. I was numb. I asked him to leave. He begged to stay and said in home construction he gets propositioned all the time. He said he loved me because I never tried to use him for his skills or money. That he knew I loved him for him. I’m sure he does love me and he loves his wife. I just want out and the courage to get out.

I believe there are 2 types of cheaters in a marriage. There is the husband/wife that realizes they married the wrong person for them, crosses path with a soulmate, makes a choice that is devastating to some, but right for themselves. An example would be Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

Then you have the chronic cheater that cheats because there’s a new opportunity.

I really thought I had the former and found out I had the latter.

written by Still Blue, 19 October, 2008

I had an affair and ended it a year ago. It still haunts me and I regret hurting others. The hardest part is to actually breakaway from the affair, the complete opposite of starting it. You already made the crucial step, just start loving yourself. When giving up is less painful than holding on, then it’s time to let go.

written by Be strong and move on., 20 October, 2008

This has been great. I’ve been involved and in the process of ending an affair. In fact he doesn’t realize that is what I am trying to do. When I bring it up he just buries is head. The best advise. Avoid all contact and just move on. The feelings will always be there, but something or someone better will come along when you clear the air. Be strong and know you are worth more than a coward.

written by I understand, 20 October, 2008

I am currently the "the other woman". This guy makes me feel so special, we talk for hours and he comforts me. We work together and even at work he just makes me feel special. I don’t love him..in fact I am currently in a long-distance relationship. I feel guilty when I think about his wife and the fact that this affair makes me a horrible woman. The problem is I am really falling for this guy..he makes it easier for me to stay in my own relationship. There is a part of me that wants to end the situation but there is another part of me that is happy to get attention from anyone. I just don’t want to be alone.

written by Disgusted, 21 October, 2008

As the wife of a man who cheated. I am disgusted by what I am reading. Calling yourselves "the other woman" is pathetic. You are home wreckers. You destroy peoples lives and families. Frankly, you should know better and act responsibility. Stop giving yourself pity, YOU ARE AT FAULT. We are all responsible for our own actions. I don’t care how bad his home life was, blah, blah, blah. YOU are contributing to the hurt and destruction of peoples lives. Your individual stories yield zero empathy from me. To me you are all whores.
Am I angry. YES. Am I hurt. YES Do I blame my husband YES. I also blame you.

written by Not That It Matters Now, 23 October, 2008

As the soon to be ex-wife of a man that has cheated with a co-worker and as the mother of his two children, I can state emphatically... The Truth Would Have Been Easier. I feel, with all of my being, that cheaters are simply selfish. It is not just about your wife and children. It is about everyone and everything that you have built with someone. If it exists no more, then have some back bone and say that. Tell your spouse what you are feeling before you cross this obvious line that every one keeps speaking of. You know when you are approaching the line. You know when you are on the line. So, it should not be any surprise when you have crossed it. Give your spouse the option to tell you what they feel that are missing or what they feel you are lacking or what they desire. If there is no chance for the relationship, it is best for all parties to be upfront about it and not cover your true feelings.

Maybe he WAS telling her that he didn’t love me like he used to or that we’ve grown apart or that he was only there for the kids. BUT Help me understand... when did that become code for I’ll gladly let you take my time, my energy, my heart and my hopes until you are man enough to address your situation. Why are women okay with that? You know when you haven’t met the family. You know when you get 30 minutes during the holiday (which was really supposed to be a grocery run). You know when your birthday is celebrated the day before or a few days after. I just don’t understand all of this BS. If he is not telling you the truth, at least try being honest with yourself.

Not that it matters now.

written by happy now, 07 November, 2008

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had an affair with my best friend of 10 years. This hurt so much. My husband and i are still together and he is extremely sorry for what he did. She on the other hand, is narcissistic. She shows no remorse and goes about her daily business as though nothing has happened. I hate her with a passion. Leave the married men alone. You are all idiots for believing their sob stories about how bad stuff is at home. If they can lie to a wife of 25 years they can certainly lie to you. Affairs are not real. They are titillation to the man and an ego boost, excitement! You are all fools who are kidding yourselves that 25 years of marriage can be swept under the carpet because YOU LOT have come along. Grow up home wreckers. You will get you deserve one day and it wont be pleasant!!

written by ashmead, 11 November, 2008

Understand that your involvement with a marred person, regardless of what he did or didn’t tell you about the state of the marriage, is really an involvement with two people: your lover and his spouse. Understand as well that the spouse is almost assuredly not a consenting party in this arrangement, because your lover (and you) deliberately prevent them from choosing whether or not to consent. You have no idea the emotional abuse that an affair inflicts upon a (frequently unknowing) non-involved spouse.

An affair is all about fantasy. Its all about lies: the lover lies to his spouse, he frequently lies to his affair partner, both of you lie to yourselves that you are not hurting anyone. You are.

Stop. If this man was an honest and forthright person, he would get out of the marriage before becoming emotionally or physically intimate with another. People can fall into behaviors that are hurtful to themselves and others without realizing the depth of the involvement. Now you know. Stop.

written by I’m a confused mess, 13 November, 2008

Two years ago, I met a man while we both were on business trips in Chicago. It started very innocent, we both told each other we were married that night and had children. But, at the end of the night he asked me for a kiss, it was like fireworks went off. He wanted my phone number, he said, to call me to make sure I made it home to my hotel safe. So, I gave him my business card and he called. I thought that would be it.

But, my card had my email on it and he emailed me the next day and said "thank you". I felt horrible. He wrote again, a week later and that’s how this whole mess started.

We had an internet relationship, writing back and forth. It was pretty innocent, I think we just enjoyed each other’s company. We lived in separate cities, so a couple of months went by and we decided to meet back in Chicago (just one more time). Big mistake, it just escalated from here.
We saw each other on and off for 9 months and wrote almost everyday. THEN, the impossible happened; my husband got a new job in a city 30 mins from where he lived. We both decided to break it off because it was too close now and he even went to college with some of my husband’s coworkers.

Stupidly, I kept my email on; I just couldn’t bear to be so close to him and close off all contact. He wrote about 6 weeks after we moved. Although apprehensive, we decided to meet and continued to email and see each other over the next year--we fell madly in love. We both knew it was wrong, but we just felt fate brought us together.

Well, three weeks ago he emailed me and said he wanted to talk (nothing alarming). I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve emailed and called, no answer and no response. His car is at work, so I know he is ok. I’m heartbroken and confused. I have no idea what happened, no ill words--nothing! So saddened, he’s my best friend here. We always knew this wouldn’t be forever and that we would respect each other’s wishes if either one of us could not continue. But, always promised each other we would say goodbye.

I have read almost all of these blogs and I never heard anyone say, no goodbyes. I am extremely hurt, no one to talk too. I know it is for the best, but I can’t understand why?

written by got2leave, 16 November, 2008

It has been therapy for me to read your stories the past couple of days...This is my story...

I met my m/m at church. He is a ministry leader. His wife and my boyfriend both attend the church as well...I didn’t like him at first. I had heard two other women talk about him flirting with them through text messages and I just couldn’t stand the thought of a cheating man. I had been cheated on before. I never talked to him until I sang for a special event. He was the organ/keyboard player...He would text me about rehearsal times and then the general texts started to come..."how are you?"...I thought it was harmless so I slowly started to open up to him. I was trying to adjust to having a boyfriend with a child and he started to give me advice on how to accept the child because his wife also had a child from a previous relationship. He started to tell me he was always there to listen, and I took him up on his offer. So, when my mother separated from her husband of 11 years, and my cousin was shot in the chest it was him I turned to. It was even him I turned to when things weren’t going so well with my boyfriend (A number 1 no no). He always knew just what to say...I started visiting him at work. He owned his own business and was the only worker there. We were becoming great friends. The texts started becoming flirtatious. We were testing each other to see what we could get away with saying, but there was never any physical contact. We were just flirting. When I would visit at work and he had clients come in he would tell them I was his assistant so as not to raise any suspicions...

One day when visiting him he asked for a hug goodbye. Again, no big deal. We were friends. The hugs began to last longer. Then there was a kiss...I felt horrible. I apologized for making him fall. After all, we were Christians. He loved his wife and I loved my boyfriend. It had just been a slip up...We didn’t talk for a few days, but then, just like that, we were back to flirting and it was getting heavier. We even began making plans to take things further physically, and eventually, only one time, we did.

He never had any intention on leaving his wife. I never wanted him to. I had no intention on leaving my boyfriend. In fact, we never acknowledged it was an affair. We were always "just friends."

He recently resigned as a ministry leader and left our church. I hear its because of inappropriate interaction with another woman. He had always told me I was the only one, but when I confronted him about why he was leaving he said for "spiritual renewal" When I told him I knew that was not the only reason, he apologized for hurting me, but never came out and admitted there was someone else.

Our relationship has been strained since then because I can’t trust him, so I have made an effort to just cut him off, but it is soooo hard. I love him. He was my best friend for a time and I really miss what we had. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to cut him off. We’ve both tried before, but we end up flirting again in no time. This time seems different though. He tells me that he has changed and the man I knew is no more. Though it has only been 4 days since we last talked, it has been over a month since there has been any flirting or hugging. I know it is for the best, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He is the first person on my mind when I wake up and the last person on my mind at night. I want my boyfriend to be that person, but I can’t get my m/m off my mind. I really like his wife, but even knowing that he belongs to her doesn’t help...This site has helped though, and I know God will give me strength to prevail. I pray that He really does change for his wife and I pray that his wife and my boyfriend never find out about our bad judgment. I love him, but I love God and myself more.

written by Letting go, 16 November, 2008

I think all involved need to look at each behavior and find out why it happened and learn not to ever let it happen again.

written by movingon, 30 November, 2008

I am so glad I found this site.
Here is my story. After separating from my husband I started an affair w/ a MM 12 years my senior. I really did not want to date other men, be in a committed relationship or have emotional ties. We met at a bookstore where we started a very interesting conversation about WWII. Anyways, he gave me the song and dance that there was no passion in his marriage. We started sleeping together about a week after that, and continued a couple times a weeks for about a month. His wife found out and we ended the relationship.
A few weeks later, he contacted me and we agreed to resume the affair, which lasted about eleven months. At the beginning, I stayed emotionally detached and had no illusions of him leaving his wife for me. Actually, I wanted this relationship to remain as clandestine as much as he did and constantly cautioned him to be careful with his life. We would see each other about 3-4 times a week. We traveled together, had wonderful meals, saw movies, went to museums and had the best sex.
About six weeks ago I got a call from him Sunday morning, which was not odd since he would sneak a call to me a couple times during a weekend to state how much he ?miss? ?love? me. Asking him how he was doing his response was ?not good, she found out.? I was shocked and knew that pain his wife had. He came over and I asked him what he wanted to do, and told him if he were to go back to his wife that he would never see me again. His response was that he wanted to be with me and he moved into my house. His wife, naturally, was angry and constantly emailed me about her husband. I was torn and knew he was, too. What I thought was a no strings relationship, became high drama. Having him live with me for those few weeks was a pure emotional hell, not mentioned that he did nothing around the house. I ended the relationship when his wife forwarded an email to me attached with one he sent her stating that we wanted to go back to her. Although, I do not know the wife?s intentions in sending me that email, I am so relieved she did.
Yes I did fall in love, and I thought, as he stated over and over, was with me. While I am as much to blame for the mess as the MM, he brought this all on himself. Now is the time to heal and move on.

written by Miserable,confused and lonely, 07 December, 2008

My friendship was with a M/M from work. I work at a large company and we work in different areas. He comes to my area on a daily basis. I never thought anything about him coming in every day to talk to me, I was naive. I thought he was just coming in and wanting to talk...until my co-worker pointed out to me that she thought that he liked me. I denied it, but then really started paying closer attention to him. I guess he did like me, he was flirting with me. Wow!, no one has flirted with me in a really long time. That really makes me feel wanted. I haven’t felt wanted in a really long time either. My husband and I don’t get along, we are only together for our two kids. I don’t really have the financial stability to live on my own, due to bills and a terrible economy that only seems to be getting worse. Things started to progress with my "buddy" at work, he came to see me one day at lunch. We sat and talked, flirted, and then he kissed me. WOW!!!!! I was in heaven. He was such a great kisser and he said all the right things. He continued to come see me on a daily basis, but a month had passed before we were able to kiss again. Now our kiss had led to more, lots of heavy petting. NO SEX! We said that we were going to have to go somewhere for that, We didn’t want to do that in the supply closet. In the mean time we emailed, he started calling me on my work extension every day, and still came in to see me. He started to realize that my other co-worker were starting to become aware of things, started getting curious about us. So he decided that he would cut the visits to see me back to a couple of times a week, but we still emailed and talked on the phone every day. Still no sex!! By this time, I am almost completely hooked, falling in love and fantasizing that this man might actually feel the same way that I feel. Although he told me in the beginning that he only wanted a "friends with benefits" relationship. Now to further complicate things, his wife also works for the same company. He met her by having an affair with her and they married. Why in the hell would I, an intelligent, level headed person think that this man would fall in love with me and want to be with me. Because he says all the right things and I fall hook, line and sinker. I really do think that he cares for me, but I don’t think he could or would ever love me.
We still continued to email, talk on the phone and meet each other when ever we could. Until one day, the wife got into his work email and read an email that he had sent me and I responded with an invitation to meet. She confronted him, and he told her that he didn’t know what in the world I could be talking about, that we were only friends and that I was just probably joking around. So he told me that we couldn’t email each other anymore, and that we were going to have to lay low for a while until this blows over. I told him that we were lucky that this is how we got caught. We could’ve gotten caught in the act. I told him that we need to chalk this up to a good time and move on and not mess around anymore. He told me "no". That we would still be together, and that all of this would eventually fade away. I went through a lot of emotions, I was crushed because all contact had pretty much stopped except for the daily visit at work, but it was very short and non flirty and I was hurting more and more and more. I went from crushed to being angry because he knew she had access to his email, and he didn’t tell me. I would never have sent anything suggestive if I would have known that tidbit of info. Three weeks went by, I was starting to get better, telling myself that I did not need him anymore and that he was a jerk! Then low and behold he corners me in the office. Gives me his sweet little look from those beautiful brown eyes and I melted. Then he called me again. I have got to be stronger...it is just so hard. I have been married for 15 years and have wanted to get out of it for 12, but didn’t. He too is a jerk! And now I am having an affair with a jerk!! I guess that I am a JERK magnet! I know what I need to do, and that is be strong, get a back bone and stop seeing the M/M "buddy". I really have fallen for him and it is hard to walk away. Please comment in a positive way and help me with my problem.

Thanks for listening,
Miserable, confused and lonely

written by movingon, 08 December, 2008

Run, get away, do not look back and do not be tempted to go back.
Once an A has ended it is best that ToW has nc w/ the xMM and W. One basic reason is that he has not been upfront with you or his W, nor could you expect he will ever be honest (he needs deep therapy). Therefore, the A, as good as it was, was based on lies.
This is a traumatic experience for you, and I suggest that you get professional help, so that you con confide to someone about the saga. Trust me it is better to deal with the temporary acute pain, than the long term chronic pain.
I know how you feel.

written by TOW, 10 December, 2008

I was in a relationship, in which I feel I was betrayed and cheated. I don’t what to do. It has been a year now and I still can’t let go. My relationship with this married man began several years ago. Unknowing to me, he married another woman and have a daughter with her. He didn’t tell me and when I found out I was devastated. He didn’t tell me. I found out through suspicious and research. It has been a year now. My heart has heart. I wrote letter to him which I burn. I brought journals and I wrote in this journal. When is my heart going to heal? I know I am going through my withdraw phrase but when will I heal. When will I get over him? I always believe that when you love someone, you should never set a limit on the love you have for someone. If you set a limit, it is not love. Why does this happen to me? I am a good person. It was never my intention to date someone’s husband. What am I suppose to do? Did I do something wrong in the past and now it is all coming back to hunt me?

written by JE/GG, 10 December, 2008

Yes, we know it’s wrong. We know it will end badly. We know that we need to learn to set some boundaries. We know that we deserve better, we know that his wife doesn’t deserve this. We knew that the day would come when it would have to end. Blah, blah, blah. BUT, that doesn’t stop it from hurting like hell right now. Good, bad, right or wrong doesn’t change the fact that 2 people, who didn’t have the right to, fell in love anyway. I ended it a week ago but not because I wanted to. I was miserable with him but right now I’m more miserable without him. Realistically, I know that time will heal but that’s no comfort right now. He’s home with his wife, I’m up at midnight crying my eyes out.

written by Purple_gnat_03, 11 December, 2008

We’re all human, we all have emotions. That person that said that the women who had affairs were prostitutes is wrong. I think innately and naturally most people are capable of loving many different people and society deems it socially unacceptable so neither male nor female dares to explore that. I am currently getting over an affair that I have had for over a year with a married man. I have found out a lot about myself and while I am quite sad that it is over, I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. I think finding "one" or being with one person forever is an ancient fallacy, one that no human can live up to or even should live up to. And to JE/GG -- he’s probably crying, too. To all of you who wonder what the other is doing, that person misses you just as much. Humans set boundaries, humans set limits and we all follow it. But humans forget that we ARE HUMAN. Forgive yourself if you are the "other woman" or "other man" and think about what you have learned from this, and look at the experience as something pleasant.

written by Miserable,confused and lonely, 12 December, 2008

It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I want to believe that he cared for me...I know that I care for him deeply. I also know that we went into this with no expectations of this ever growing. Except, I fell in love!! We even talked about it. He told me that he pulled away from me on more that one occasion because I looked at him strange (like I loved him, but wasn’t going to say it). I told him that I can’t help but care about him, we were great friends before we started messing around. He told me that he didn’t ever want to lose our friendship, that if having sex was going to make things weird between us, then he didn’t want to do it. We never did!!!!! Came so close on so many occasions, but it was the wrong place at the wrong time. I miss him. I decided that if I can’t have him for myself and only myself, then I will have to be okay with sharing him, but I know that is wrong. I do feel sorry for her, because no one should have to go through the pain of a cheating spouse...I hope that my husband never finds out. I don’t really like him much, but I still don’t want to hurt him in that way. I just want to be happy. I know that is selfish and wrong but we fit together. Too many coincidences have happened for me to think that at some point in time we were or are meant to be together. It may be next week, or it may be 10 years from now. I think he feels it too!!!!!!!

written by Trying to move on, 13 December, 2008

Miserable, confused and lonely

I have been exactly where you are. I was in a relationship for over 1 year with a MM that I also work with. He told me he loved me, could not imagine his life w/o me in it, and even committed to divorcing his wife to be with me. 2 weeks after he told me he was leaving her he told her about the affair and then pulled a complete 180 on me. Now he has decided he needs to give his marriage a chance and 1/mo after we ended it she became pregnant with their 1st child. I tell you this because your last line that you think that at some point you will be together and he feels it too. It could happen, but more than likely will not. And I would not wish on anyone the hurt and loneliness I feel now. I have to look at him everyday because we work very closely together. And have to watch him trotting thru the office happy because he is going to be a Dad which is all he has ever wanted. If there is anyway for you to walk away now and start healing I would suggest you do it. If someday he realizes he should be with you than you could be together, but right now he is unavailable. And he will take the easier path as long as you will let him, which is staying married and keep you on the side. It is not an easy place to be to know he goes home to his wife every night, and there could always be the possibility that he could realize one night he is making a huge mistake and ends it with you with nothing more than a sorry. I can?t tell you how long it will take your heart to heal, as I am 3/mo out of my relationship and still madly in love with my MM. But I would have to hope that someday my heart will allow me to move on, and yours will too. Each of you need to decide if your current relationship is worth saving or over before you move any further into your relationship. And the fact you have not slept together is a good one because it only made my feelings stronger. I know most of this is not what you want to hear because all of it was said to me and I still stayed in my relationship. Just think it thru and think of yourself first, not him.

Trying to move on.

written by got smart, 14 December, 2008

I just want to say from my own experience that my own affair was selfish and more out of ego! I’ve realized now that it was wrong and I will not try to "justify" want I did when other people are hurt over my actions. My happiness does not depend on another person.

written by be strong-1, 19 December, 2008

My affair started a week after 9-11 and it ended this year abruptly in April. Possibly symbolism of what was to follow but I never saw it like that.

Myne is not a letter to receive comfort or criticism. I just need to let go, and this may be one of many steps in trying to achieve that.

I still delve occasionally into deep thought and have been unable to free myself of being pre-occupied by thoughts of us and the secret life we created. It happened because of a combination of reasons, love, attraction, ego,escapism, attachment issues upbringing, and having skeletons in my closet when I married my husband. The deception began right back then. I hope that those who read this are comforted by my experiences as I have been by others. I don?t condone what I have done. If I had been approached in the first 10 years of my marriage I would have been repulsed as I was completely in love with my husband. I hope those that contemplate leaving their secret love affair should be encouraged to do so immediately because the pain of revealing the deception is far too debilitating. You literally stop functioning normally.

I understand wives would be repugnant at my devastation, but again I don?t write for you I write for the woman who thinks that the man they are with is willing to leave their wife and children for you. He isn?t prepared to, not because he doesn?t love you, because his responsibility and commitments are to his home. Its what a man is expected to do or face being shunned by society for choosing sex, desire, love over family. You are only satisfying a part of him that he lacks at home, and he is happy to have that on the side as long as his two worlds do not collide.

While you are strong and if you have attempted to leave,leave now. Don?t procrastinate and avoid the temptation to get in contact again hoping for a refuel of his attention.

I read this site everyday looking for a new entry so that I may be comforted by others who try to pull through and remain strong. All along it has been about being comforted by the actions I have taken and this is just an extension of that. I know I have emotional issues anyone who is involved in an extramarital affair is. You wouldn?t do it if you were completely happy. I kept telling myself I was happy but there was always something missing, an openness and freedom I felt with my lover.

written by be strong-2, 19 December, 2008

It is hard, I feel a huge emptiness and the void sometimes is so strong that the reaction is still quite physical.
I haven?t seen or heard from my lover of 7 years and wonder where he is at , and how he feels and reflects on all that has happened. I walk this city with great difficulty remembering all the places that we shared together. I am not talking about 1 or 2 years I’m talking about almost a quarter of my life. I see a therapist because I need to deal with the re-occurring thought and moments together and get my emotional strength back

My husband has been patient with me. He found out. I have children as does my lover. He had his second child while we were together, and that was very painful but I was stronger then. I had been strong and pretty much in control all the way through, but in the last year I lost control and put him in a position where I began to demand his attention again. He had found new passion for work and his family. So the thought that I no longer would be his center and be immersed in all his attention shook my world. If I was his genuine love it had to be for life. We spoke of keeping our love till the end.

We made love on and off. He asked me to marry him at least every week. I kept saying no and that it would devastate too many involved. I kept trying to break it off, but was too addicted to the attention the presence the comfort and the solace in the guilt sharing. We kept saying ours was a love affair and not just an affair. I said I would be a changed person if I were to leave my family. He said he would still have me anyway. We cried we laughed we made the most enlivening love I have ever felt, heard or seen. Everything with him was amplified. I cant watch a love scene without being severely impacted, I cant watch two people being affectionate without my heart racing. It was shear bliss. I denied him lovemaking many times, once for 2 years because I just didn?t want to. We were good friends and our company during lunch and in the mornings was enough. I saw him every couple of days and we spoke on the phone everyday. He said it wasn?t about the lovemaking it was my friendship and company he valued, but the kissing and lovemaking was heaven.

written by be strong-3, 19 December, 2008

But I was also miserable. I kept telling myself the pain is worth the highs. But my highs were momentary. Once I left his presence I would be at a low again, yearning for the next high. This was wreaking havoc in every aspect of my life.

And then sometime last year his manners shifted, I felt devastated with the reduced attention, upon complaining, he would then say ?well then marry me if u want to see more of me?. I told him that he only persistently asked because I would always reply no. But I needed to see more of him and know that he wanted me, desired me and loved me as I did him.

Then at the end of last year I said yes. Lets do it.
Our secret world changed from that moment on , he said he wanted to put his life back on track, and was feeling terrible for his children. I had the carpet pulled out from under my feet. I got obsessive, lost control, was totally devastated at the turn around in attitude.
My devastation and fear of losing him made me behave degradingly. I decided to keep things going minus the proposals now. I became delusional. I began to throw myself at him. I was the weak one now. My behavior was irrational and that?s when my husband found out and my MM was not there for me.

His wife does not know. He lives with the secret whilst I battle each day for my own acceptance and my husbands. Sought out what just happened. The deceit has shaken the marriage.
I question his love and his sincerity. I question my existence and the stability of my thinking. I admire people who live their lives in complete honesty, but how many of us do that? I watch families together and wonder what secrets they harbour?
I have complicated my life, I have made my husband miserable questioning his own adequacy.
I do miss him, and wonder about him all the time. Everyday my thoughts are still filled with him. I try and remain strong, say it was just a wonderful experience and try and get on with life, but then there are moments I plunge into complete darkness and feel at an empty loss.

written by be strong-4, 19 December, 2008

Do you miss me as much I you. Do you regret all that was shared. Do you remember me as the obsessive insecure woman who longed for your attention or as the woman who was strong and kept everything in balance. Do you see me when you make love. Or are you completely nonchalant and have moved on with a complete set of new priorities and even a new secret love? I refuse to believe the latter.
I believed in you and your love, friendship and companionship. You let go because the devastation would have engulfed the both of us. Our love would not have survived.

You said as your parting words that ?love is not enough? and there is truth in that. Love is not enough in our real world, but is the ultimate in the secret world we created. These are not to collide because no matter what is shared and for how long your MM will opt for his reality. I believed love would have been enough.

I now try and mend things at home, try and occupy myself, and am left to deal with my guilt and loss. I try to understand the reasons why I did what I did.

I simply fell in love with the thought of a man leaving his home for me, making me believe I was special. It was never real. If it was real the ending would have been otherwise.

Leave him while you are strong. If you have left him or he has left you be strong. Its not worth the pain. Don’t be fascinated by his attention. You are beautiful without it. Your husbands love is enough.If your married man wants you he will do what is necessary otherwise you are just light relief, entertainment.

Dwell on your reality and not on the fleeting fantasy. Otherwise you are left to question what was real and what wasn?t and your own integrity.

It will take time but I believe in the clarity of my thoughts now and I will pull through.I love my husband.I work at being in love with him again as I was before.I pray my children never make the wrong choices and live a life of contentment and honesty with themselves and others and I want to be there for them and my husband.

written by Miserable,confused and lonely, 20 December, 2008

I am trying so hard to get over him. He comes in to see me...we start talking. He told me to call him on his cell phone. I told him that I deleted his number. His mouth dropped and he turned as white as a ghost. He wanted to know why I would do that. I told him that I am NOT going to call you. If you want to talk to me you can call me on my work phone. Well...that is what he now does.
We pretty much got busted by my co-workers...they want to tell him to stop coming in and bothering me. I don’t want then to say anything because the he will know that in an extremely weak time in my life (when his wife found an email that I had sent him) that I almost had a break down. I was at work when I got the phone call from him. I spent the whole day crying and freaking out. So the co-workers asked me if there was something going on between us. I told them that we were just friend...well we kissed once. So from then on, he was not welcome in their eyes to come in. They looked at it as him being a man-ho and preying on me. I knew that if they said something to him then he would know that they know. I have to tell him the truth...i haven’t so far because I know that he will hate me. Regardless, he will not be with me anymore, I never had him to lose. Reality sucks!!! So my co-worker told him to stop bothering me. He left and immediately called me and wanted to know what was going on. I told him that I had told them the his wife had gotten one of our emails and got real mad about it. I didn’t give them details about the email....He got mad at me. Why? Because I brought his name into it. He called me the next day and I told him that I thought he needed to stay away for a while. So that my co-worker would not say anything else to him. That hurt his feelings...he said he was on his way over to see me. I told him not to come on that day, but to come the next day. He said "no", he wasn’t going to be able to to that. And he didn’t.. That hurt my feelings. So now I get to spend the week-end wondering if he is mad at me or just staying away because he is trying to lay low. I too hate the ups and downs. The ups are awesome,...the downs are pure hell. I have to be strong. I have a few weeks of not seeing him. I will not see him again until January 5, 2009. Maybe in that time period my heart can begin to heal. I am a little peeved in my co-worker because I asked her to mind her own business and hell...I guess she refused.

written by Miserable,confused and lonely, 25 December, 2008

So I go back to work on Monday...and low and behold he comes in. I said what are you doing here? You said that you were off until after the new year. He said he wanted to come see me. Then he called me three times in one day...came to see me the next day and again called me. So today is Christmas Eve. He is not supposed to be here. I thought that I would talk to him on the phone, but not see him. He comes in with him wife to get money. A feeling of anger came over me. I know that I turned as red and I could be, I felt my face glowing. I was nice to both of them because I have to be. He stood right there with his wife and still flirted with me. Then I really go angry. I thought...you are such an ass. Just go away and leave me alone. They left and 15 minutes later he came back (without her) to see me. I glared at him. I wasn’t very nice. He didn’t stay long. My phone rang 20 minutes later. I thought it was him...I missed the call, so I called him back to see if it was him and what he wanted. It wasn’t him. He said that he was just fixing to call me. He wanted to know where I was going when I got off of work. I told him that I wanted to see him to give him a "hug" because we were not going to see each other for a while. He hem-hawed around and basically got scared because I was the one who wanted to meet. He wasn’t in charge anymore. He told me he would call me...guess what? He never did. So I called him and said...I forgot that I don’t have my cell phone with me today, did you try to call me? He said "nope!!". So I said "fffttt, talk to you later" and hung up.
Now I have cried all afternoon because for some reason, I can’t seem to shake this M/M. It is blatantly obvious that he does not give a shit about me...and is NEVER going to leave his wife. But yet here I am, pining over this asshole, who does not care if I am here nor there. But I can guarantee that on Monday he will be back for more.

written by LuvMyXAP, 29 December, 2008

Hi everyone...

So sad to see everyone here has a misery one way or the other. I just wish marriage was a better place to be otherwise people wouldn’t feel so driven to find the comfort, joy, sex, caring, understanding, lust, acceptance, and whatever else an affair provides (at least at the early stage for some) that a marriage so often is not providing. Let’s face it if the marriage was so wonderful we would not feel such a strong need to stray.
I have ended my two month "thing" with my first ever married man--I have been married twice and totally understand the misery that that kaleidoscope of insanity brings with it. I am single and met my MM of a soul mate (he is married 21 years no kids) two months ago. I never felt right about it though...even though we only had great sex twice it was more of an emotional thing for us.
I have ended it but I know I will never forget him and the things I will always love about him...but because of financial reasons we can never be together and I don’t want to be discovered and lead to the end of his marriage.
Oh yes the sadness is pure hell and I feel the excruciating pain of loss--but I will heal in time.

written by For Miserable, Confused and Lonely, 30 December, 2008

Dear Miserable,Confused and Lonely:
I feel your pain, just went through an emotional relationship with a M/M with a similar personality type. My ex M/M always needed to have the control too. Sad to say, but I think that is probably what makes these kind of guys tick. Every time I thought it was finally over, he would come back at the bottom of the 9th and win me over. This emotional roller coaster went on for 2 years-I had never been so miserable and elated in all my life. Well in the end, he just stopped calling and emailing without a goodbye. Please don’t let this happen to you! Have the strength (no matter how much you love him)to end this on your terms. This will end, please don’t let him have the control; it will tear you apart even more.

written by How Did I Get Here?, 31 December, 2008

I’ve been involved with a married man for 4 1/2 years. He is an older man and is someone I met at work. In fact, when this affair started, I was his direct supervisor. I shake my head when I think about how many lines I’ve crossed with this disaster. Like so many other stories I’ve heard, it started as a friendship. In fact, we often call ourselves best friends. About 6 months after the affair began, I moved out of state and was living close to two hours away. Our primary means of contact was daily phone conversations, with face-to-face contact sometimes being months apart. I went through phases where I convinced myself that this situation suited my purposes (after all, a strong & independent woman doesn’t need a man underfoot, right?), but other times where I was in the depths of despair knowing he was with his wife and kids.

About a year and a half ago he transferred with the company we both worked for and moved to town. It was right at the time the housing bubble burst, so his house was on the market for almost a year. During this time, he lived with me (while obviously lying to his wife about where he was staying). Once his house sold, he started looking in earnest for a house in this area. The problem? He had me helping him!! I finally blew up and vocalized how badly it hurt me to stand next to him helping him pick out a house for her! We had a rough couple of months where things were pretty cold between us. Then, like I’ve always done, I gave in and allowed him back into my life, little by little. He claims the reason he can’t leave right now is due to financial reasons--he has two kids in college. But, that is just an excuse. It would be a financial hardship, I know that. His wife has never really worked, and is a military souvenir wife from Korea, no less, so I’m sure he would get hit with alimony. However, I’m someone who has worked my whole life and makes the same salary he does, so even with only half his salary, our combined incomes would still be more than what he has now. That proves to me that his staying isn’t financially motivated. I have got to find a way to break this off. He does add a lot of happiness to my life, but also a lot of misery. And, I’ve allowed it to happen. Now I need to move on. I don’t want to wake up one morning realizing I’ve wasted the best years of my life on this mockery of a real relationship.

written by Miserable,confused and lonely, 31 December, 2008

I have not talked to him or seen him since Christmas Eve. I have to go back to work on Friday, I feel like he will come in even though he is supposed to be off. I have wanted to talk to him so bad over these past few days. But on the other hand...I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to see him. I want him to go away. He won’t though, because I am his banker, and he always always comes to me. There are only two of us to come to and he chose me. Lucky me!! I want to make a new years resolution to get rid of the clutter and trash in my life and work on refocusing on what I have and try to make that better. I am weak and I know that it will be hard for me to let him go. I agree with the comment written to me above, that I need to end it and not give him the satisfaction of getting to end it first. I know it will end eventually, and I will be crushed, but if I end it then I will feel stronger and more confident. I know that he likes me...probably for more that what he is leading me to believe. So many times he could have said "screw you" and walked away. We have not had sex, and the last time we kissed was in early November. But he doesn’t leave...we have our little spats, from time to time, and he stays. He could have ended it months ago when we had our first spat. I don’t get it...if there is no sex, and all we do is talk now, then why is he still here. If he is a "man-ho" then he is not getting what he wants, so why stick around? Maybe it’s the chase...but the chase is too complicated, because his wife and my co-workers are suspicious. Does he really like me? Maybe if I end this with him he will be the one that is devastated. Who am I kidding...i am living in a dream world and need to wake up quickly before MY life ends up being wasted on THIS mockery of a relationship!!!!!!!

written by idiotwhoshouldveseenitcoming, 31 December, 2008

I just yesterday ended my affair, not by choice. I’m really, really confused. His wife found out (sort of – he told her we’re just friends), so he told me we needed to cool it, he wasn’t really sure what he wanted to do. He was going to get a hold of me later in the week, but I told him I needed to know what his decision was, one way or the other. He had told me that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend no matter what, just hours earlier. I told him that if it was easier, I could make the decision for him. He asked what that would be, and I said if it’s about him being scared to lose his kids, then it has to be over cause I can’t be the reason he loses them (we are both married and both have two kids). So he said well then it’s over. The thing I don’t get, is now he won’t talk to me whatsoever. I’m not sure what the hell happened to the part about now wanting to lose me as a friend?? He doesn’t even respond when I text him or anything, completely pouring my heart out like a psycho babbling idiot. I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and I feel desperately lonely. Things with my husband are worse than ever and we’re on the verge of separating. Tonite is New Year’s Eve and my mom is taking the kids, so we can do anything.. and we might not even be spending time together. I just feel like this guy gave me hope, like I haven’t had in a long time, and now it’s gone. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m a freaking mess. And I can’t even text him or anything cause his wife is keeping his phone. He works with my husband too and today my husband told me that this guy was really mopey at work for some reason. That kills me cause that makes me realize this is hard on him too (although it also helps a little, I guess). I just don’t get why he can’t even return my calls or anything, when he said he wanted to stay friends? Maybe he just realizes, unlike me, that cutting all ties is the only way to ensure that it doesn’t continue, and it can’t continue, cause the costs are too high. I guess we should both be grateful that it ended how it did and that no one was hurt, especially the children. My dad left us and my mom for his other woman when I was a kid, and I always thought that cheaters were the scum of the earth, but honest to God, until you’ve been in these shoes, you have NO idea how easy of a trap it is to fall into when the "right" person comes along and says all the right things. My husband is not perfect, but he did not deserve to be cheated on. This man’s wife is not perfect, in fact she’s down right mean, but she did not deserve to be cheated on either, nor do any of the kids deserve what could have come from this horrible selfish thing that we did. We weren’t getting what we wanted, but that’s no reason or excuse for what we did. I could go on and on about how my dad has never made me feel loved, and unfortunately I married someone who makes me feel the same way. I could also go on and on about how this man’s wife is a nasty woman who calls him horrible things and doesn’t want him around anyway.... and all those things are true, but it doesn’t matter, because what we did was wrong, and in the end, we only hurt ourselves more than we were already hurting before this whole thing happened. I am now back at square one with my husband, just as miserable as we’ve always been (if not more) and now on top of that, I have lost what I feel like was "the one" who I just happened to meet at the wrong time, and I get unbelievably depressed when I look into the future at what lies ahead.. loneliness, depression, heartache, anxiety every time my phone rings, etc. I honestly do feel I’ve lost the love of my life, but it’s hard to tell if that’s really true, or if he was my "savior" from my boring, pathetic, lonely life. Ladies and gentlemen, if you are contemplating an affair, my best advice is DO NOT DO IT. NO MATTER WHAT, it will end with someone getting hurt. And this doesn’t even touch on how HORRIBLE it is to be involved with someone who is married and having to share them. Even if the affair doesn’t end & you don’t face that pain, the part of it is HORRIBLE and hard to live with. I lied awake so many nights cringing over the fact that the man I love might be f**ing his wife right now.. and it was the same for him thinking about me with my husband. Sex with my husband is now the last thing in the world I want to do, when it used to be something I loved. I am so glad I found this forum, and it has helped me to spill all my guts out here. To anyone who "listened" to my rantings, thank you. And I hope it helped someone out there.. Right now I am doing my best NOT TO CALL HIM..

written by idiotwhoshouldveseenitcoming, 31 December, 2008

Oh.. my.. God.. How Did i get here? When you "posted I’ve allowed it to happen. Now I need to move on. I don’t want to wake up one morning realizing I’ve wasted the best years of my life on this mockery of a real relationship." it hit me like a ton of bricks!!!!! YOU ARE SO RIGHT. Honey, thank you. That is what I NEEDED TO HEAR. it really woke me up. Oh my God, I have two awesome little boys, my husband does love me (we just need to work on him learning how to show it.. as well as some other issues), and here I am, in the depths of despair over this guy who probably didn’t love me like he said he did anyway. WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I need to wake up, move on, enjoy my beautiful wonderful children, and NOT waste the best years of my life! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

written by disgusted, 01 January, 2009

I am a married woman whose husband had an emotional affair with an old ex-girlfriend. We have several children and have been married almost nine years. I find in very hurtful that some of you who have had affairs with married men seem to know so much about how their wives "mistreated" them. My husband is the one who has always been overly involved in everything he loves (music, motorcycles, flying, etc.) and has spent many of my birthdays, etc. away having fun. He even let me drive myself to the hospital when I was in labor with our third child and has never been interested in celebrating our anniversary, Valentines Day...nothing...he thinks it shallow and stupid. You people are so self-absorbed that you’d rather assume that these men have horrible wives so that you can justify your own actions. I have been a stay at home mom and have given up so much for this man (even time with my own family since he doesn’t like them) and he still did this to me. I burned bridges and did everything to please him. I realize now this only made him more selfish and I was wrong to succumb to his wishes but I thought I was doing what was right and being a good wife. Truth is, we can all paint our lives (and spouses) the way we want. How do you know what horrible things these men may have done and said to their wives? Whatever the reason for what they’ve done or what you’ve done, it is WRONG!! Feelings are not love and you probably only want this relationship so much because you "can’t" have it. I’m sorry for all of you that are hurting but the truth is, you hurt yourselves and you’ve hurt a lot of other people too by your selfishness. Grow up and get over yourselves.

written by IWIN, 04 January, 2009

I was involved with a MM, he lived with me for 4 1/2 months and told me the DIVORCE was going to happen! I was in love, we had plans to move to Austin, blah blah blah. He started to pull away little by little and then he tried to tell me he was going camping with his buddies Dec 13th. who goes camping in Dec? Fortunately I listen to my guy instincts. I had one of my guy friends call his house and shock me shock me shock me....NOT!!! He was there, my friend then told him nice camping trip. Needless to say I drop kicked his sorry lying two faced P.O.S. self to the curb. It hurt it still hurts to know it was all a lie. I have only myself to blame, I knew better as we all do. Cuz there ain’t no crying about the lying that’s been done. I allowed myself to be treated second, always put on hold waiting for his sorry ass drama so we could go out. He never had respect for me, I was a secret a hide n seek game!!! it hurt- I truly loved him and Im pretty sure I always will love him. However looking at the big picture of this relationship I am very glad it ended for I would never break the "secret" status, nor would I come first in his life, and I am very fortunate that I will not allow a man to lie to me as badly as this one did. What kind of person would I be if I stayed part of a huge lying game of mixed up emotions. His wife is psycho and so is he. I feel bad I caused hell for his wife and children, however they do tell you what you want to hear, just like fishing bait the hook and then your in their net. I know the loss I feel will pass, I will forgive him for lying and treating me so badly for I allowed it. I washed my hands of him and his dramatic bunch of bull!! I have more respect for myself and realized I have all the options in the world, why wait on a lying married disrespectful man? I deserve better and I made a promise to myself, NO MM again!!! I don’t need the drama..... and I wish him the very best by working his marriage out, I know he has a long, long, way to go if normal can be achieved. Break free from the chaos of dating MM!!!

written by Lonley in marriage, 05 January, 2009

It has been almost three months since my affair with a MM ended abruptly with his wife finding out. I have thought of him daily and tried like hell to not contact him. I finally broke down and sent my feelings in a letter and told him I didn’t want or expect a phone call or reply, of course he called and told me how terrible things are for him. I miss what we had, I am married, and so lonely, but, don’t want my MM back, because I promised his wife, I would never contact him (I admit I slipped when I wrote the letter, but it was so I could ease the pain I was feeling). I just want to stop thinking about him everyday. The relationship lasted 10 months, we talked daily, had sex weekly, but, a friendship developed and I miss that as much as the sex. Being married and lonely sucks and I know it was my fault I sought an affair, I just want the strength to not find a replacement for my lover. I promised his wife I would not call him, and other than my letter, I will keep that promise, but, how do I get this man out of my mind? Why can’t I stop obsessing about this man? When does the pain go away?

written by movingon, 06 January, 2009

To Disgusted – perhaps this is not the right forum to post your frustration. We are those who are trying to heal from illicit affairs. We know we were wrong and think about what have done everyday. However, the missive you wrote is not appropriate.

written by mr ed, 08 January, 2009

Thank god, I was feeling like the only one until I found this blog.
I’m married, so was he, but my husband had depression (no one ever really prepares for your husband to break down and beg to die in front of you, and you emotionally detach yourself from him so that his pain doesn?t become your pain), and his wife used to love making comments about how she will leave him when the kids hit 18. He is 10 years older than me, and that?s also what attracted me, the knowledge and the experiences.

It started out as good friends, he was always there on the phone of msn messenger, we would talk all day. He knew how to make me feel special when I was low, and told me he loved me before anything physical happened.

Then it became physical. He would travel for business, and I would meet him wherever he was. I would spend the night with him, not just for the sex, just being with him, being in a different city and not having to hide things was amazing. It was like we were made for each other.

However then the effort really slowed on his behalf, claiming it was due to being busy at work. The emails slowed, and I couldn?t even get a 2 minute phone call over the Christmas holidays as he had promised. I told him how disappointed I was, and he launched into the ?different lives?, and that he knew I was making all the effort, but it was by my choice, he was just ?facilitating? the hookups. Id NEVER asked or expected him to leave his wife and kids, all id asked for was the attention.

I replied and told him that I didn?t want to be with someone who wouldn?t make any effort at all, and who obviously didn?t want the responsibility of having me around. It was the right thing to do on my behalf, however I’m absolutely torn apart inside, and all I want to do is call him, hear from him, email him and tell him I didn?t mean it, because I haven?t heard from him since. I had such a great friend in him before this, I always wanted him in my life, and now I feel so alone and so hurt. He is an amazing man,who I have so much in common with, and we did love each other, of that there was no doubt.

But now I’ so miserable, I feel so alone, and I cant explain my fits of tears to my husband, my friends, I’m just so alone in this that I cant find anything to enjoy, I cant find pleasure in anything, and it just destroying me.

I know the right thing to do is to cut ties, but that means losing a great friend and confidant, and I would rather have him in my life as that than nothing at all, but I’m not sure if that would ever work. Feels better just to have this out though and to know I’m not alone.

written by Miserable, confused and lonely, 08 January, 2009

Well, I told you that he would be in on Monday. He came in an talked to me like nothing had happened, like it was just another day. I of course acted the same way, because my way of thinking (which is wrong) is that I don’t want him to go away, so I have to act like he didn’t hurt me. He did let me know why he was short with me on the phone. His wife was there and she was pulling the phone out of his hands and listening to what I was saying. Thank goodness, I didn’t say anything of importance. None the less, she was still pissed, and which she had every right to be. He said that she gave him hell. I told him that I was sorry that he got in to trouble. He told me that it was okay, that he got through it. He said that we were still friends and would remain that way. Things are really changing between us, we can only be friends now, we can’t be together anymore, but I am okay with that. I just want him in my life however I can have him. He told me today that he looked at her balance in her retirement account and that he needed to straighten up because he didn’t want to screw up his retirement. I told him, do you realize how that sounds. He said, well it is the truth, that he wasn’t going to lie about it. He was only with her for her money. So I ask myself, why I care about this person. He is such an ass, and very very wrong in his way of thinking. My answer...because he makes me feel a way that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I am glad that we aren’t trying to be together anymore, but I still want to have the friendship ( if it is a friendship)
UUGGHH!! I am so screwed up in the head!!!!!!!!! I think I need some serious therapy. I am a logical person and a smart person, and I am acting like I don’t know how to cope. This is so unhealthy!!!!

written by How did it go wrong? It was so good!, 10 January, 2009

I ended my 18 month affair today. Like many others it was with a work colleague and he was the one that instigated the relationship.
He told me that he could not get me out of his mind and that he had had feelings for me for months even years before he had enough courage to tell me. At first I was surprised and against the idea as I had never thought of him like that not to mention both of us were in relationships and both have young children. He asked me to think it through, I did.... now I’m sitting here.
I have learned so much about myself over the past 18 months I have to be grateful, but at the same time I feel heartbroken. I truly believe that that this man is for me and I truly believe he feels the same way.
We have both separated from our previous partners and the ‘affair’ has become common knowledge with family and friends. In most cases people are understanding (it’s surprising how many people actually ‘come out of the woodwork’ and tell you they have gone through it) and it is no longer a cause for gossip.
The reason I am here is because his previous partner is a particularly reliant woman. This I can accept. What I can’t accept is that he is no longer living with her but if he does not spend every waking moment at her house or if he is to get on and live a life with me, she says she will pack up and take his children away from him.
The affair ‘came out’ about 4 months ago and in this time I have had endless abusive texts and phone calls from her to which I have never replied. I am not a monster, I don’t even think I am a bad person. I understand the pain I have caused her and I have every respect for her as a mother. (I know people that have never been in this situation will find that hard to believe).
For the past 4 months he has spent almost every night with me – but it has had to be a secret from her. We spend hours laughing and talking and of course enjoying each other physically.
I can’t do it any more. I am so sick of the lie, everyone knows except her – and he’s not even with her!
I don’t want to separate him from his children, nor cause any more grief than I already have so today I stepped out.
And I hate it. I know with time it will get better and I know that in time if it is truly meant to be, it will be.
But right now I just feel empty. So disappointed and even angry at myself for getting myself in to this situation.
If asked if I would do it all again? Today I would say no, but I think in time I will be grateful for this time I have had and the things I have learned. Would I ever do it again? NO!
Good luck to anyone going through the heartache, keep your chin up, big breath and smile!

written by Miserable, confused and lonely, 10 January, 2009

To: Mr Ed,
I know exactly how you feel. He was my friend for the longest time before we ever started anything. Now that things have cooled off between us, it is the hardest thing ever to see him come into my office. He comes in and acts like nothing ever happened. He knows me well enough that he can tell when I am upset about something, that is when he starts showing interest again. He is just wanting to make sure that I am okay. I think that is sweet, but on the other hand, I don’t want him to act like he cares if he really doesn’t. I don’t know if he does or not, I just keep telling myself that he doesn’t. I want him in my life though, because when I don’t talk to him or see him, it really makes me sad. Like you, I decided that if I can’t have him in any other way other than a friend then I was going to have to accept that. It is impossible for me to cut all ties with him because we work at the same place and see each other usually on a daily basis. It would be a lot easier on me if I were able to cut my ties. I would be devastated, but I know that I would survive. The sad thing is, when he doesn’t come in to see me, whether it be for business or for just a visit, he calls me. I ask myself why, is it because he wants to talk to me, or is it some cruel joke. I have written several times before trying to explain my story because it does make you feel better to get it off of your chest. If you keep it bottled up inside, you will go crazy. I know how hard it is to find pleasure in everyday things in life when all you do is constantly think about them. I have had to lie to my family and friends and husband about my fits of tears. I would hear a song on the radio and it would make me think about the times when we were together. I still sit around and fantasize about being with him, wanting him, needing him. This is completely unhealthy for me. I have made the decision that I am stronger than this, I will survive without him in my life, and that I deserve better than this. I no longer want to be treated second best!! If I am not good enough for him, or my husband for that matter, then I will work on myself first, and become the best person to my ability. I will learn to love myself, and learn how to not let people take advantage of me.
I don’t know if my rambling has helped you in any way, but I hope that maybe it might help someone. If you want to talk again, I will be here.

written by hurt&exhausted, 13 January, 2009

I have stopped all communication with the man I was having an affair for six months. When March rolls around, do I send him a Happy Birthday email, if I just make it short and to the point? Or do I just let the day pass? He sent me a very nice email on my birthday, but that was while we were seeing each other and emailing back and forth. The majority of our relationship was online.

written by married, but....., 13 January, 2009

I agree/know that affairs will all end with someone or all parties getting hurt. BUT what about all the research out there that wives & husbands will all eventually think or want to be with "strange" (someone different). It depends on who will act on it or not. I am married and know my husband is the person I want to be with for the long term. I have never cheated in any of my relationships so I am surprised that I did in my marriage. At the same time, I am in my mid 30’s and going through my sexual prime. A boy that I was absolutely obsessed with/in love has come back into my life after 8 years of losing contact. We never had sex when we dated, but now that we have....I can’t stop thinking about him. My lover & I always agreed that we would never leave each other’s significant others for each other and not fall in love. We know we have a connection, but we could never live "life" together. Aside from us both being liars....we have a good connection. We "get" each other...it’s stress free...no expectations.

Sounds great from an affair standpoint right? But logic tells me the odds are that it will get ugly.

So I decided to end it. I have ended it not because I feel guilty, but because after hearing so many stories of affairs going south. I realized I didn’t want to go through that myself.

Of course, I don’t deserve my sweet husband that I have, but he is mine and I will never tell him what I did. Sometimes I feel like it’s just pure selfishness for the spouse to relieve their own guilt when they tell their spouse about the affair. IF my hub ever did the same thing down the road and I found out...according to numbers he prob will...I will do my best to forgive him and realize sometimes it’s just sex and there are so many other things in our relationship that is wonderful.

With that said.....I still feel sad....I feel like I broke up with a boyfriend when everything was going sooo well. I even get jealous when I think about him having sex with his sig other.

What is so ironic is that when I was single...I wanted to get married so I wouldn’t have to deal with the ups and downs of dating...and stupid me...I’m still doing this to myself!!

written by for hurt&exhausted, 16 January, 2009

No.. do not email him a birthday card. You’ll be taking 10 steps backwards! Let it go...just let it go. Move on and leave it be. It will only take you backwards and confuse you all over again. Believe me I know. If you truly care about him or yourself... you will just move on. It is the best thing you can do for ALL concerned. It is the right thing to do. Take care.

written by Cat N Mouse, 16 January, 2009

After reading thru many of these I can see that I am not alone but everyone even though so much the same are so different and I hope time will heal.
My story, I got married to a man 5 years older than me (not much) I was 19 and raising my sisters son, I have never had a sexual relationship I had other things to worry about. When I meet my husband he had done time (dumb kid things) and seemed fun and well all good. I stayed home he worked and played hard. I started having my own children to him when all said and done we had six great daughters over 15 years all was well up and down like most marriages fight about money and little things and make up.
Well his father passed away and then his mother, hunting and well age. And he started to change home more and I guess it should of been a good thing but it was not.
I always was the home person take care of the kids for 15 years now he wanted to rule the roost (per say) and we don’t have the same way of handling things.
Any way I thought ok time to go back to work and I did, love my job love my freedom don’t love that even though he owns his own business I still have to the women’s work (male pig) any way he had a friend that they rode harley’s together and me and this friend got close to (I also got my license and ride my own) we got real close talking one the phone 1 or more each day.
My hubby went out of town and it got sexual and it was o my great, I know size does not matter, yes it does. But getting the attention and love him being single it was easy to continue to see each other at least 1 to 2 a week.
But then after a year he asked me to leave my family leave my life. I can’t I will not I never said I would.
He got really mad, he said things I am sure just to hurt me at the time. He dated the next day with a "friend" in our group... are you serious the next day...
He changed his number but I still see him all the time in the same circle of friends, not dating right now but a girl here and there, I tell myself I don’t care I have no right I want him to be happy...
Yeah right... I want him I miss him I loved him...
I never told him I loved him, shouldn’t I no that would hurt him more. Saw him last night I was out own my own (hubby don’t like going out of work nights I am a night owl) just sitting being good and in he walks alone.
He totally stayed away, that is good that is bad it broke my heart all over again.
I looked over when I thought he was not looking, he seemed to not care I was there at all. Worse part is he is still friends with my hubby and there planning a trip "guys only" to the beach for bike weekend... really give me a break.
Did he move on or just staying in the circle just to know what I am up to... Me and hubby still having problems and as girls grow I do think we will not make it to 25 years but who knows.
I will never cheat again I will leave 1st... but my heart is hurt and my mind is broken so I will not make any choices right now....

written by From your victim, 17 January, 2009

The theme I am reading in all your messages is that you make bad decisions and are now dealing with the consequences of your actions. Every action has a reaction.... all your actions have consequences for other women. Is there every any justification for deliberately causing so much damage to another person and their children. Women should know how other women feel about their families (husband and children). It is true that not all marriages are good ones and perhaps divorce is the only option but that is the choice of the parties involved. But somewhere someone has to start taking responsibility for their actions. If you are foolish enough to continue in a relationship that has no future than that is your choice but if you are honest with yourself you know that most likely he will never leave his wife. You are merely being used. Think of what an affair is: hiding, never being seen together, exciting for a while, some thing to ashamed of, and eventually you are still alone. If he really loved you as you think he would have left his life and began one with you. Do you tell your families that you are having an affair.... mostly not because you are ashamed. You can delude yourselves all you like but it true. If your relationship was really based on true love then you should have told him that even though you love him he needs to either make his marriage work or get out of it.....BEFORE YOU BEGAN THE AFFAIR. Then you would have know if it was real because from what I have read all of you are trying to find ways to justify your behavior and all the damage and pain you have caused. I hope you can find a way to do that but if you do not change your behaviors that will never happen and you will never be happy with who you are....never. I wish you well with that path and hope you do find happiness... honest happiness.... in the future. But if you are still seeing or talking to an married man it will not happen.

written by hurt&exhausted, 18 January, 2009

To: written by for hurt&exhausted From: hurt&exhausted

Thank you! I posted my question and have been waiting for someone to help me, and you did. I know you are right and I will listen. Thank you for caring...it means a lot!

written by The_End_of_the_Affair, 18 January, 2009

About 1 year ago I met a MM at a University alumni event... he was suave, sexy, charming, educated... essentially me but male. We both were beyond alarmed by our commonalities... The conversation we had was electric... so much in common... it was an intensity for which I have NEVER felt before. The sexual chemistry was apparent right away... and the level of comfort we had with each other was both alarming and alluring...

We are both married with with no kids and after our initial meeting we began sending emails to each other for about a month or so. He lived out of town so we arranged a friendly meeting to discuss our jobs (which were in a mutual field) and just catch-up when he visited my city next.

Looking back I would say that the affair began as purely an emotional one... a forum where we felt honest and open when in both our married lives and professional ones we had to be guarded. Initially the emails started as friendly... it was amazing to feel that open; that honest with someone else...

Thereafter, we met up – and it was very much a dinner out with a friend. However, he would look at me.. with his disarming eyes... we both knew what was going to happen. It was the best sex of our lives.

Afterward we tried to keep in touch... not as often... he was busy/ i was busy... but it was the fact the guilt and the reality of the circumstance had kicked in... and we both knew what was at stake.

Then as luck (or disaster) would have it... our professional lives crossed... and unfortunately he had lied about who he was to me... he was a MUCH LARGER FISH in our professional circle than he had identified as... and I was beyond mortified... it was a professional conflict-of-interest that he knew about... and failed to share. I was distraught... and emailed him immediately... for which he called and tried to calm me down...

As such, we both decided to sleep on ending things... both as friends and as lovers. And truth be told he ended it. I agreed and we both moved on... or at least I thought we did.

A few months went by... we emailed and confided... and then the guilt would set in again... we even would resort to phone sex to cool our jets and stifle the longing. This time I ended it... he had asked me to... so I was going to oblige... for the sake of my affection for him... and for my career.

Then out of the blue I would get these emails saying that he was sorry for ending it... that it was the hardest thing he ever had to do...that I mattered... that he thought about me. I told him that I couldn’t handle that and that it was screwing with my head and that it just couldn’t happen anymore. The emails would have to cease.

Another 2 months go by... and nothing. I had actually moved on... repaired my ailing relationship with my husband... and tried to forget the affair and the affection I had for the MM. Again another email appears... this time he inquires about my marriage... and tells me his is ending and that he thinks about me. We discuss how both marriages are ending...and we wish each otoher well in trying to put the pieces back together.

This is the thing... with the MM... everything felt perfect... a fantasy. He was this perfect man... down to his shoe laces... he literally was the person that my imagination could come up with if i was to create the illusion of perfection of another human... a person my husband could never live up to... and that destroyed my marriage. I love my husband... he is so much more the loving and caring person... an angel... and i sabotaged it over a fantasy... an illusion...

However, again a few months ago the MM called me... he was in town... and missed me... missed us... wanted to see me... wanted to have me... wanted the sex. That is when it hit me... is that all I am? So I confronted him... that I had genuine affection for him. He responded saying that he did for me as well. The phone sex started again... and plans were set for another meet up when he came to town and I when I visited his city for work.

So... again his guilt set in... and he delayed our meeting... asking for time to fix his marriage....assuring me that this wasn’t my fault... and that he needed me as a friend. I knew he would try... he loves his wife. So, tired of the rollercoaster... and seeing that he was a man bleeding for his wife... I ended it... completely. I loved him... and I knew that he cared for me... but I just wasn’t worth it (however he disagreed with this assertion...but it is just a line). I told him that I valued the honesty of our friendship too much, that i had fallen for him... and that I had to let him go... for the sake of his happiness and to allow myself to love my husband again. He agreed and told me he understood 100%. He wished me well... told me that it was the best for us both... to never email him again...and that was it. I was heart-broken. I gave myself to him on a silver platter... and I was able to fill a need... that’s all it ever was.

written by After_the_Affair_Ends, 18 January, 2009

Ok... so the affair ended... I am still in love with the MM... still pining for him; wanting him near me... needing him. I truly do believe I am in love with him.

And then it hits me... I’m chasing him... is he chasing me? Only when he thinks I have moved on does he show interest.

So, I start to analyze the circumstances of our affair... the rules of engagement. How he would refuse to take a compliment that I would give him... scold me even... how he controlled the circumstances – how it was only when his needs that mattered; how whenever I got too close he would pull away; how he would "thank me" for disclosing my feelings... and then turn away.

The truth is -- it was physical and only was it emotional when he needed that need to be fulfilled. How everything was on his terms... never mine... how he would want his cake and eat it too... and I was left to suffer... naked; broken and yearning.

I loved you... and it wasn’t enough... even though you said it was. I was an entertainment.

Lol – i even tested him once... to show him how it felt to be treated like a subordinate... told him he was an "entertainment"... and he got VERY upset... all of a sudden I mattered. Ha!

The truth is boys and girls... it is a game... a game of lust; of infatuation; of fantasy and above all illusion. I heart, I bleed and I will NEVER heal. Nor should I... I opened the wound... destroyed his marriage; destroyed mine... all for the shot of acceptance and love from him...

You are a toy... and always will be... so let’s grow up.

written by Miserable, confused and lonely, 21 January, 2009

Oh my......Your M/M sounds just like my M/M. Could they be the same? I have tried several times to compliment him and he never accepts it, always says "BULL". Mine ended because his wife was on the other end of a phone conversation. Thank goodness nothing was said. He told me that he was going to have to try to be good. He didn’t want to ruin his retirement. As horrible as that sounds, I still want him. He is an ass in every aspect of the way, but my heart still aches for him because I miss the conversations that we used to have, I miss the attention that he gave me. He used to call me all the time and now I barely get a "hello" out of him. Do I confront him and tell him about my feelings for him, and how he hurt me, even though he told me from the beginning that this was all for fun. I would just be a "friend w/ benefits" to him. I want to tell him that I allowed myself to fall for him, and that although he didn’t intend on hurting me....he did!! I can’t be mad at him because I was the dumbass that fell in love with him.
I see very clearly that I was his "entertainment". I was only a new toy, but like you when he thought that I was moving on and starting something new with someone else....he would get jealous. He didn’t want me to be with anybody else. So, I can’t have him, and I can’t have anybody else.
I am trying to work on my own marriage and make things better with he and I, but there is not a day or hour or minute that goes by that I don’t think about him. I know that life would be much easier if I could cut all ties with him, but I can’t. It is not an option. So I have to deal with it. I guess that I am in love with the fantasy of him & I being together. Thinking that maybe I might be the one that he falls for. It hasn’t happened yet, so my bet is that it won’t ever. I would like to think that I am grown up.....but I guess that I have a lot of growing up to do. I feel like a teenager in love. Like a love sick fool, love sick for someone who doesn’t give a rats ass about me. I was just his entertainment!!!!!!! I hope that one day, I will look at him and feel nothing, and I hope that when he sees me look at him, he will also see that he means nothing to me!!! He will see that whatever I did feel for him is long gone and that I will survive without him!!!!

written by betrayedwife, 21 January, 2009

Well this is what happens when you begin a relationship with someone who is already in one, You love him, wow he has a wife don’t you think she loves him too, the both of you are toying with her, she bleeds her heart bleeds, she is in pain, How do you think she feels when he is making love to her knowing that he has been with you and he tells her he loves her etc, and you are worried about your feelings,you should never had gotten yourself into the situation in the first place,he made a commitment to someone else, he is lying to her, yes your right he wanted his cake and cookies too and you let him do just that only to be hurt as you both are hurting his wife, you got what you deserved,find a single man, why lower yourself to be second rate, sloppy seconds etc,or did you get that famous line he and his wife don’t sleep together, thats a favorite with these men, and all along they are doing you both, don’t morn over him move on, find a real man who can be all yours,you should let the wife know what has been going on so she can decide what she wants to do about the cheater. everyone who keeps these secrets is yet still hurting the other party, if she is to stay she should know what she is dealing with, she may be unaware and get blindsided one day with some disease or something that will totally destroy her, let her know what he is doing, let go of him it’s not real love, it’s lust, a fantasy, he will cheat on you next, he committed and cheating wake up you will only get the same thing in due time from him,he needs to grow up, these types of games only destroy other people not just your feelings

written by From your victim, 25 January, 2009

I have read your messages due to the fact that you are the "other woman" and it is seems odd to hear about your pain and suffering. One fact that is clear in all this is the YOU are the ones who make the affairs happen. You, as the female, allow the man the access, weather it is emotional or sexual.... you are the one who allows all this pain to happen to yourselves and all your other victims. You write as if you are the victims.... no... you did this of your own free will!! Accept responsibility for that fact. You have hurt other women beyond belief... but there are other victims too. There are entire families that will deal with the consequences of your actions.

If may not happen right away but what about the little girl who grows up and never trusts anyone, never believes someone can love her because of what she has been exposed to: a broken home because of you, angry parents, fighting and cruel words, fear of not being loved, fear that they did something wrong to cause the divorce.

What about the crushed wife who never feels as if she will be good enough. That he wanted someone else because she was either not pretty enough, or sexy or didn’t paid him enough attention.... she will always wonder why it happened, how did it happen, did she miss the signs, was it preventable?????????????????? And it will go on, an on, an on.

Do you really have the right to do that to so many other people, to ruin their lives, cause them to doubt themselves, or never be able to trust again. NO do you not have the right and you need to start thinking of someone other then yourselves. You need to make amends and one way to start is to never do this again to another women. What if it was done to you...... how would you feel.

I am one of your victims and I have felt all those feelings and I think you need to know. One of you told another victim that this was your forum and she really should not voice her opinions or feelings here... that it was inappropriate. My god!!!! If we can’t tell you what you have done how will you ever be able to live your life without hurting others. How can you look at your self in the mirror and not be ashamed and disgusted at the pain and hurt you have caused and all because YOU allow the affair to begin...... Did you ever consider that you could have said no..... If he had really loved you he would have finished his other life to be with you, but you allowed him both and you were the losers. You lost your dignity, self esteem, and respect. But you have also cause this wife for the first time in her married life to look at her husband and really not feel anything. He was my best friend since we were both 18. We could talk about anything, laughs about nothing and just reach out and touch each other for no particular reason at all. Will we ever be able to be that way again? Most likely not.... can it be better? Hopefully.

written by Still Finding It Hard, 27 January, 2009

Hi,

I’ve really appreciated reading the posts here of other people’s experiences – though not the chastising ones, sorry I just don’t think this is the appropriate place for that, though I understand the sentiment. Yes, I’ve had an affair with a married man I worked with, and it’s something I still can’t believe I allowed to happen. I liked him from the start, and he was such a terrible flirt, it seemed like he wasn’t really married, or didn’t really care about his wife. We were friends for years and then he started calling me at home and making more excuses to see me outside of work. Finally things happened between us and I was alternately shocked and disgusted and thrilled and happy. He said from the start that things couldn’t go anywhere between us, and actually treated me incredibly cavalierly. As we tried to figure things out and "just stay friends" things continued and feelings between us deepened.

I finally ended it a year later when I found out he was sleeping with his wife again. So now another year has passed and I’ve made my way from devastated to dealing with it a lot better. We’re still in contact though more occasionally, and I haven’t seen him in months. I know he has a whole lot of other problems on his plate now and his feelings for me are not what they once were.

But all the same, despite knowing that things have really worked out for the best (no drama, no one the wiser) I think I’m still hung up over him. I think about him all the time, and I’m still angry – at him, his perfect family life (wife and kids) and I’m angry at his wife for getting the love and commitment that he never even considered giving me. I’m still single and wondering if I’ll manage to find someone else who’ll I’ll care about as much. But my main question right now is how can I get over being angry with him, and feeling jealous of his wife? I spent a year in therapy which really helped, but I’m still struggling. I know logically that his wife is not getting a great deal being with an uncontrollable flirt and cheater, but I’m still angry that he will likely succeed in making it work with her, with little second thought to me. I know there’s no magic recipe out there for getting over this kind of thing, but any advice would be welcome.

written by Pushing On!!, 28 January, 2009

You Know it takes two people in an affair, not just the other woman, just don’t blame the other woman, start questioning your husbands. This site is for the other woman to talk to others and try to get over this experience. You know shit happens, sometimes you do fall in love or care about other people a great deal. So realize that the other women feel bad enough as is, they don’t need wives making them feel that much worse.

written by Healing in MA, 29 January, 2009

I had an affair with a married man for 18months. On January 19th he was going to tell his wife EVERYTHING and end things with her so that we could be together.
On January 20th I got an email from him stating that his wife loves him unconditionally even after he confessed to her our affair, and that he was ending our relationship to be with his wife. That he wanted to give his marriage a fair chance. I thought I was going to die...I text him immediately not to end things with me and called him on his phone but got voicemail, I didn’t leave a message.
Its been a week now and I get better each and every day...the tears are less frequent(as I cry typing this). Unfortunately, he was my first love, so it will take time. However, I have since started seeing a counselor to help me see why I felt so comfortable with a married man and also help me move on so that I can be emotionally ready for a "real" relationship some day.
I also realize that not only does "he" have to conquer the issues that he ignored when we had the affair, but now he has to deal with all of the issues that come along with having an affair and making his marriage work.
I regret ever having this affair and would take it all back if I could. It was not worth all the hurt we’ve caused everyone, including his wife.
PLEASE, DO NOT START ANYTHING WITH A MARRIED MAN. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE WITH A MAN THAT DOESN’T HAVE THE BALLS TO DEAL WITH HIS MARRIAGE (WHETHER HE WANTS TO WORK ON IT OR END IT). YOU’LL JUST END UP HURTING EVERYONE.

written by From your victim, 29 January, 2009

To Pushing On... I think you are missing the point of what was written. I think each of us needs to be responsible for what we say and do. You are correct when you say that shit happens but do you really believe that justifies this type of behavior?

Yes, it does take two for an affair to happen but women allow the affair to happen. My purpose was not to ridicule or chastise you but to point out that you and all of us for that matter, need to think about our actions and the consequences of those actions. It does sound rather immature for you to say that we (the wives) don’t need to make you feel that much worse....this was not meant to make you feel any worse but for you to think about what you do and how it will affect others. Is not that our responsibility to all other individuals? Should we not stop and consider others before we do something we know is wrong? Do you not want others to treat you well... with consideration and respect? If you are feeling bad because of your actions following an affair.... hopefully you will will not do this to yourself or others again.

Last thought.... if wives cannot tell you what they are feeling how will you ever really know? Or do you already know what they are feeling because you would feel the same if you were the wife?

written by Surviving, 29 January, 2009

I can’t believe I’ve stumbled upon this site. Why didn’t I read this 3 years ago when I first embarked on my love affair. He’s not married, but been with his partner since he was a teenager for 20 years. They had two kids and was pregnant with their third when we started out. I’m married with one lovely little boy. There seems to be a theme of people who say that the other person was the love of their life. It does make me wonder are we all just deluded. Isn’t it all about flattery. Someone making you feel good about yourself, because your life seems empty somehow? I wasn’t looking for an affair. I loved my husband, but we’d had a few fights when I went back to work about him not being supportive enough. I’d known this man for 10 years before at work, but our paths never really crossed. Then I started getting emails from him, and we started flirting. Before we knew it we were taking two hour lunch breaks every day and confessing our undying love for one another. We talked about getting married, leaving our partners. But the guilt of leaving the kids and hurting our partners was too hard. We’d tried to break it off quite a few times. But we always kept some level of contact and then slipped back into old ways. Last week he actually left his partner when he thought she was seeing someone else. I was hurt. He never left her out of love for me. I told him you hated her, more than he loved me. His response was: Well I must really hate her, because I love you loads. I kept telling him that love and hate are closely related. It’s apathy which spells the end of a relationship. He didn’t really agree. But there you go. Anyway he missed the kids too much so he’s gone back this week to give the relationship another go. He says she’ll never be me but he has to try. In all honesty though I’m relieved. I found it hard coping with seeing him upset when he left his home. He was a mess and talked about his relationship with her. He wanted my support as a friend. But I just found it too hard. I encouraged him to go back to her and make another go of it. But inside it was killing me. So we have decided that it’s best to cut all ties. The occasional email he says. But I’m not even sure that’s a good idea to be honest. We still love each other. Probably always will. But it wasn’t enough for either of us to leave our partners. Personally I was too scared to leave. He’s always maintained how much he loves his children (as indeed he should) and I got the feeling that if I left, he probably would have let me down and not followed. It wasn’t a risk I was prepared to take. I feel disappointed about what’s happened. Life doesn’t work out the way you expect and when you embark on an affair you have such hopes and dreams about how life will be. But it is all just fantasy. The reality is your marriage and the children you have. I’m lucky that I have such a great husband. He’s really trying to improve himself and I’m so proud of him for doing that. And if that’s the best thing to have come out of the affair then it was all worth it. But I will always love this man. You can’t share intimacy with someone on that level and cut off all emotions for ever. And I understand there will be good days and bad. But I think there is something there about letting go. There is no point thinking you can be friends. Because you can’t. There will always be an attraction between you. I saw him today and we were chatting in the corridor. We’re still clearly into each other in a big way, and he sent me an email afterwards telling me ‘that didn’t help..I still love you’. Which of course we both do. But we have to be strong. It’s the only way. There’s two things which I will take away from this site and will become my mantra. The first: if he loved you as much as he said he did, he would have left her. I’m not doubting he loves me. I know in his heart he does. But it just wasn’t enough for him to leave. And the other is simply ‘let go’ And that is what I intend to do...no matter how painful it is. I need to focus on me and my life and give my husband and son the love they deserve from me.

p.s This site is all about the ones that failed. Does anyone’s affair ever work out??

written by sally123, 30 January, 2009

It is nice to read about others who have been through some of the same things I have. I’ve been married for almost 20 years and have 2 great kids. Like many on this site my husband does not fill my emotional needs. So I started chatting online and met a great man. We have known each other for 9 years but live very far apart. We have met for dinner and sex a few times through the years. I can’t say I am in love with him but I am very emotionally attached and don’t like to see him chatting others but he is looking for someone that lives closer to him and can give him more apparently. We have tried not talking for periods of time but then start up again. Im not quite sure how to break this off because he holds a special place in my heart and I miss him every time we don’t speak. I know it is not fair to my husband or family. Really the hurt the other women he is with gives me is too much. To answer the above question I don’t think an affair is ever the answer but sometimes we are pushed in that way by spouses who are uncaring and having too many responsibilities put on us.

written by Miserable, Confused and Lonely, 05 February, 2009

I know that I am really hurt now, I thought that things were getting better, and that maybe we could just be friends. We were doing good in that sense, until he decided to start flirting with me again. He didn’t flirt like he used to, but still he was flirting with me.
He was supposed to take me for work across the street to get some of our signs. I asked him in advance if he could take me and he said "hell yes I can take you". I asked him again on two other occasions before the day to go and he insisted. He came in on the day that we were supposed to go and said to me that he would be over later to take me. He went straight into my bosses office and told her that he could not take me over there, that he didn’t want people to get the wrong impression. When she told me what he said, I was devastated. I could not believe that he would do that to me. I called him and asked him why he couldn’t just tell me, and he lied to me and said that he never said that.
I told him that if he would’ve just told me to my face that my feelings would not have been hurt as bad. He hung up on me. That made me ever more hurt and angry. Later he emailed my boss and told her that if she talked to me and it came up, to please tell me that he was so sorry, that he never meant to hurt me. He said he was not that way. She told him that he needed to tell me his self. So he called me and appoligized to me at least 50 times. He told me that he wanted us to be friends, that he didn’t want to lose our friendship and that he knew that if he took me across the street, that something would happen between us. I told him that nothing had to happen, all I needed was a ride. If something were to happen, then that was just a perk. He told me that he wants the perks. He said he wanted to still me able to play around with me. I asked him why he freaked out on me and did this? He said and I quote, "Its there, I am worried that if you and I were to ever do anything, that it would screw you up in the head."
What the hell is that all about? Is that a bunch of BS or does he maybe actually have some feeling for me and knowing that we can’t act on them, that scares the shit out of him. Or is this all a game?
He told me that he understood if I didn’t want to be his friend anymore, but that wasn’t what he wanted. He said that maybe he should just stay away for a while. I told him that I didn’t want that, because when I didn’t see him or talk to him that I missed him. He said that he missed me too. So he came over to my office and again apologized to me and gave me two really nice hugs, told me that he never meant to hurt me, that he cared for me and that he would never want to hurt me.
I felt a little bit better, because I thought WOW!! he is really putting it on thick. Maybe he does care for me.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday roll around and I have heard nothing from him. I guess that means that he is out of here. That the whole "I’m sorry I hurt you" production was just that, a whole lot of drama!!! That really hurts....
We haven’t been together since November, and we have never had sex. I know that I will get over him, I just wish that it didn’t hurt so bad. I wish that I could hurt him as bad as he hurt me.
Now I get to have an emotional break down and try to explain to my family why I am acting the way that I am. Please put me out of my misery....make him go away.

written by Penny571, 05 February, 2009

Having lived thru a number of affairs I am now in a place in my life that no matter what happens I will not be the "other women" ever again and I find it amazing how we all (me in the past) have justified our actions. It’s not fair to anyone involved to try to justify an affair, the truth is what sets us free. Stop justifying and change, either make it work or get out of it, don’t drag people thru the torment of an affair. Don’t tell me it’s too hard because I know it’s hard, but you’ll find peace in yourself once you do the right thing.

written by last night, 07 February, 2009

We ended things last night.

He’s been married for nine months and we’ve been having an affair for six of them. We were together years ago when he was engaged, and so technically it’s now been on-again, off-again drama for three entire years.

He kept saying he "wanted" to leave. Want, want, want. Life doesn’t judge you on what you want -- it’s what you *do* that matters.

I would take the scraps because it was better than nothing. I would sit in the bathroom with the water running to muffle his voice while he would sit on the bed and call his wife, lying about his whereabouts. I spent his birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve... all without him.

"I want to be with you. I am in love with you. I love her, yes, but I am in love with you *and* I love you. It’s not bad with her; it would just be so much better with you."

He’s too weak to leave her. We discussed it over the phone and he said he just needed a month of no contact.

"We’ll talk on March 9th."

"Who will hang up first?"

"Let’s just hang up together on three..."

"One, two, three."

We hung up.

Don’t I deserve more than this?

written by Been there, 08 February, 2009

I started, as most have, as just friends with the guy I had an affair with. I wasn’t married, he was. He was 26 years my senior. It started out just being fun and kissing and the next thing i know, we are trying to get pregnant. In the two years we were together he never told me he loved me, just smiled and shook his head when i asked him if he did. But the words would never come out of his mouth. About a year after we broke up i heard the news about his father passing so i called to tell him i was sorry. He then told me he loved me and we started again. We were off and on for about 3 years and we have been separated for 3 years. Let me tell you when this has not been an easy transition for me. I think a part of me will always love him. I took the advice, get to where you hate him, and I did, but it didnt last long. Times like now, i miss him more than ever, but even though I always thought that we would too, have a fairy tale ending it never happened. So, i know what people go through, ive been there.

written by Just another OW-1, 09 February, 2009

I am so glad I have found this site... All the posts here, every one of them, have been so helpful in giving me a new perspective on my situation. Just knowing that I am not alone and the pain I am in right now does not have to last forever gives me hope and the much needed strength to go on living.

My story is a typical MM-MW affair. After reading the stories here, I realized that my affair followed the common script very closely, as opposed to being this unique, one in a lifetime, grand love story...

written by Just another OW-2, 09 February, 2009

We met online, on an online strategic game site where players could chat while playing. So we played and chatted... in the process we found out how much in common we had, how similarly unhappy our marriages were, how attracted we were to each other. He was in his 40’s, i was 10 years younger. Both of us had children. Pretty soon we were exchanged pictures, and when we couldn’t meet online, emailing each other constantly... As "luck" would have it, we lived in the same area, only about 25 miles apart. He was insisting, although very gently, on meeting physically but i was hesitant. I knew that once we met there would be no going back – so much chemistry we seemed to have, I was pretty sure we wouldn’t be able to stop from going too far. An online affair seemed safer, not as real. I didn’t love my husband, but I had never cheated on him before and was scared of the hurt and devastation it would bring to my and his family if I made this thing physical. I knew it would come out somehow in the end, and the consequences scared me. But I couldn’t give up this man either. And he was insisting on a meeting. "Just to steal a glimpse of you, just to hold your hand, we don’t even have to kiss"...He said all the right things, gave me the right amount of attention, and seemed so in love (with me!) that i finally said yes. We met. On our first meeting, it took place in a coffee shop, we didn’t even talk much... we just kissed, held hands, touched each others faces, and kept saying how unbelievably in love we were with each other. He even had tears in his eyes... that melted my heart completely. I had never in my life felt so much love from another man. It was like the best drug in the world. I got hooked.
We met again the next day, same "cloud nine" effect, and from then it became a once or twice a week thing. Every one of them felt like heaven. Just pure bliss. About a month later, we became intimate... Even though it was in a cheesy motel room (his choice, took me aback a little, but i didn’t give it a second thought and learned to even like it later ), it still was unbelievable. The best sex of my life... (I am writing this and cringing inside from the disgust I feel for myself. I never knew I was capable of stooping this low!) I felt so comfortable with him, so in-tune, it felt so "right"... as in that’s what sex should REALLY be. He said we were truly ONE, made for each other. And he looked like he meant it, like he was in paradise right alongside me...In the course of 2 months we had sex about 6 times, sometimes in that same motel, other times in a car, my car. Because his wife, he said, was very mean, very suspicious, and borderlined on psychotic... she would search his clothing for clues, sniff his breath, look for the telltale sings on his body, go through his laundry, come and snoop in his office (he works for himself and was for the most time the only person there), so his car was off-limits...a red flag moment, but i was too stupid, and too enamoured to see anything. Of course he said I was the only one, the love of his life, his first affair and his future wife. He asked me to marry him and the stupid imbecile that I was, I happily agreed! Now it was just a matter of time, getting rid of with our current spouses, so we could fullfil our "destiny" of living together happily ever after in a perpetual bliss. We even called each other "my dear husband" and "my darling wife"...
Well. His detective of a wife found out, of course. She didn’t even have to send his clothes to a lab or anything, she just found one of my emails that he forgot to delete. The next thing I know, my "dear husband", the love of my life, is kicking me to the curb. "He wasn’t trying to hurt me, but he can’t just throw away 19 years of marriage and two wonderful chidren... and although he doesn’t love his wife, he still cares for her and has to try and work out their issues before he completely gives up on the marriage"... by this time, our affair has been about 5 months old. Not too long, but enough time to get into it deep. It felt like the end of the world for me. I could not believe how it wasn’t even a question for him to give me up. I was completely crushed, devastated, destroyed, humiliated and so many other things. Whoever has been in my place, and there seems to be a vast number of us, knows exactly what it feels like.
If only it ended then and there...

written by Just another OW-3, 09 February, 2009

But I guess I didn’t learn my lesson the first time, because two months later I went back for more. We started talking online again, confessed how terribly we missed each other and still loved each other, how it must have been "fate" that brought us together again. And how our "love" was stronger than us... which meant that soon after we started meeting and became intimate again. The only thing was, he said he was still sticking with his choice, as in should we get caught again, he would choose his family, if given that option. It hurt bad, but not enough to walk away. I willingly became the second choice, no more illusions of being his first priority... He still talked about our possible future together but made it clear that it could only happen if his wife left him. In other words he wasn’t going to do anything to make it happen. But, he said, we made it this far, and if’s meant to be, our fate will work it out somehow...
Seemed good enough for me. I got my sweet baby back, and at that point anything with him seemed better than the dark empty pit of a life without him.
We lasted for another three months. Our meetings were shorted and farther between, with him always looking either over his shoulder or at his watch. But when we did manage steal a few carefree moments together, they were unbelievably happy, for both of us it seemed – I was "his angel", "his everything", "his darling baby girl" again... I felt so loved and admired and gave all of that and more right back. To make up for little time together physically, he emailed me everyday in the morning, sending me hugs and kisses, wishing me a great day, and every evening with goodnight kisses and just telling me to imagine him next to me in my bed, cuddling and making love all night long. I lived for those emails, as well as our meetings, however short they were. Plus we were still meeting online for chats. He said he was grateful for my patience and told me to hang on for a little longer...
During the part 2 of our affair, I have been through more pain and cried more than I had in my lifetime, yet I was still trying to hold on to him with all I had. It would be all worth it when we are together, I told myself. My self-respect was now non-existent, I constantly lived with this sick feeling in my stomach, terrified of either being found out and therefore losing him or him becoming tired of me on his own and therefore also losing him. Funny how the same affair can reduce one person to dust and let the other just brush off the dust and carry on with his life...
The bottom line, we got caught again. By his wife, of course. Overnight he became cold and distant and informed me in a short email the next morning to respect his wishes and leave him alone. "You are a nice person, but our frienship and relationship has to end", it read. Earlier I asked him why he was so clinging to his marriage if he was so unhappy in it. "I don’t know...I have always been afraid of conflicts and I hate confrontations", he said. The great love that we supposedly shared was not a match for his fear of conflict.
The great showdown happened three days ago. I am again in shambles, unable to breathe, sleep, eat, my work performance has been very poor, and people start wondering. No one, including my husband knew about this, so there is absolutely no one i can talk to. I have been thinking and rethinking, evaluating and evaluating my life, my character, everything. My husband noticed of course, my red swollen shut eyes and locking myself in the bathroom for crying sessions, choking on tears at the dinner table. My son keeps asking if I am in pain, because I can’t seem to stop the tears from flowing.
And he, my married man, went on with his life. His wife, the mean and horrible person that she was supposed to be, begged him not to leave, and try and work things out, and he was happy to oblige. They are committed to giving it their best, he said, and I wish them well. But I want him to hurt. I want him to be in the hell I am in right now. I want him to try and live at least one day in my shoes and feel what I feel.
In my head I understand that I should just forget all of it, stop obsessing about it, and concentrate on my husband and my kids... they need me. But I can’t bring myself up to doing it. And I hate myself for it. I hate how unfair I am being to my husband, how all this prevents me from being fully available to my children. Yet, I can’t stop crying, can’t stop hating myself and him, can’t stop loving him...
If anyone out there has enough patience to read my story, please comment. I would be very interested to hear your point of view on situations like this. How can men disassociate themselves so quickly, how are they able to just walk away, as if all that was shared meant nothing?
Oh how I wish I could do that... I need it so badly right now!

written by last night, 10 February, 2009

I will answer my own question: YES, I do deserve more than this.

Everyone in a similar situation: *please* read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. I see myself in every page. I’m halfway through. It’s been a Godsend.

I hope it helps you, too.

written by I am sorry, 10 February, 2009

To – From Your Victim.

I must say I have appreciated your comments. They have given me a greater conscious. Owning up to my own responsibilities and moralities: to myself and to others. I am ashamed I didn’t have the strength of character to walk away. I am not asking for forgiveness from anyone except myself. I had a 2.5 yr affair with a man I knew to be married. Usual scenario – couldn’t leave his wife. I had a fundamental weakness – a soul that was searching for love (in all the wrong places).

But... as I hope many here will learn, it is about self respect – for all. And to those of us who are alone – we will eventually find the right person. Just think of all the lost opportunities because we were wasting our time with a married man.
Spare a thought – when we do meet Mr or Mrs Right, how would we feel if betrayed?

I am sorry for your pain ‘From Your Victim’ as I am sorry for mine. I can say, unequivocally, I will never let this happen again.

All the best of luck and kind regards

written by Can’t let go, 10 February, 2009

To Just Another OW –

I feel your pain so much. I had a short mostly emotional affair (we’re both married with kids) and I have my ups and downs trying to move on. During my downs, I know I would run right back to him if he was available. I came here today in a down mood because I miss him so damn much

You have to let go. We all do. Holding on only causes us pain. I try to keep reminding myself that my best shot for happiness is to open my heart to my husband again. What you wrote:

"In my head I understand that I should just forget all of it, stop obsessing about it, and concentrate on my husband and my kids... they need me. But I can’t bring myself up to doing it. And I hate myself for it. I hate how unfair I am being to my husband, how all this prevents me from being fully available to my children. Yet, I can’t stop crying, can’t stop hating myself and him, can’t stop loving him..."

That’s me, 100%. What the hell is wrong with us? Why do we hold on to something that can only cause pain? And mostly, were being unfair to ourselves! We deserve better than this. So let’s try today to let go a little. Don’t obsess. Stop whatever obsessive habits you are (and you all know what they are, I have my own) that tie you to him. Let’s all try to move on a little bit today, ok?

Hugs to you all. Reading your stories gives me strength.

written by Can’t let go, 10 February, 2009

To – From Your Victim

I appreciate your comments as well. My affair partner and I didn’t understand how much we were putting at risk, how much pain we were causing, until we were caught by his wife. We’re both now working on our marriages but I’m haunted by the thought of his marriage not working out and me being part of the cause of it. I hate what I did to his wife and the possibility that I made her feel some of what you described. Of course, I have much more guilt towards my own husband and what I did to him, but he and I both know what happened in all those years leading up to the affair and we’re working together now.

If there are any wives here – how would you feel about getting an email apology from the other woman? Would it mean anything to you? I’ve been thinking about writing her a note, but I’m scared to do so for some reason.

Ladies, remember, 2 unhealthy relationships doesn’t make one healthy one. Even if your other leaves his wife, you’ll be starting a new relationship with so much baggage from all the pain you’ve caused. We all deserve one healthy relationship and we can get it!

written by Just another OW-3, 11 February, 2009

Thank you, Can’t let go, your words have helped me a lot... especially where you said we need to stop the habits that make us feel close to him. How very true! Without realizing that I was just prolonging my pain, I’d look at his old pictures, read his old emails... how pathetic and self-destructive of me!
As it’s probably true for many of us, sounding out my story, for the first time, and especially reading the other similar and not so similar stories has helped tremendously. I now see there is a light at the end of this very dark, very long tunnel... now that I see my love affair for what it really is, I can start the recovering process, I just have to stay determined, push on, not give in to my feelings, and some day I’ll be alright again. We will survive this. To quote our new president, "Yes, we can!" We can do this – we can get our self-worth back, we can repair our marriages, our integrity. We can feel whole again, the right way!

written by From Your Victim, 13 February, 2009

To: Can’t Let go and I am sorry – Thank you for your comments. I hope each of you can find happiness with someone who will love and appreciate you. You are right you know... you must love and respect yourself first.
To Can’t Let Go – I would not send the email. It only serves to keep all the pain and resentment going. The wife can mis-understand and what you feel is a heart felt message she can interrupt as continuing to interfere in their life, wanting you to leave her husband and on it goes. It takes a long time to heal on all sides. My husband is working at healing our marriage everyday.. probably more so then I. I am scare of being hurt more and he is afraid he has lost me. The OW in my life sent me letter in the mail asking for my forgiveness and to tell me how sorry she was that I had been hurt. It was only a sham and perhaps it made her feel better for a moment but only caused more problems in our marriage.
I guess as the OW in your case you need to ask yourself why it is important to you to write the email. Maybe you should write it and merely keep it for yourself.

Just a thought.

written by Decade of Agony, 14 February, 2009

I have been in an affair for over 10 years and yes it still continues. I still love the man I am with but wish time and again I would of left years ago. I am not with him because our love keeps us bound. I am with him because our lives are such a mess. We were co-workers in the beginning(he pursued me a married woman with 4 young children).I divorced quickly since my marriage had been on the rocks for years. Ex was mentally abusive to me and physically abusive to children. Lover purchased the business (he said so we could be together). Two years after the affair started, I couldn’t take being other woman much longer in my mind especially when he kept telling me if she found out he would have to leave her to be with me. So I told. Smart move right. Wrong I lost my job as office manager. I found new job within a week. He kept calling me at work, bringing me food, and sending flowers. He still stayed with his wife. He said I wasn’t giving him enough attention so after 6 months of this I quit my job. So now I was available for him. No job, single mother of 4 no income. Yes I had house payments, utilities, food, all of the necessities. I did not work for 9 months living on credit cards and some help from him but not much. Finally all my credit cards were maxed and I had no choice but to seek employment. He took this badly. He came to my new place of employment every day. Needless to say my job was once again hindered by this married man. Everytime I tried to leave him which at this point was too many to count, he would threaten suicide. Neither one of us was really happy. I quit that job to take part time job substituting in school. This did not pay my bills so I also took part time job in food outlet store. When I did this, we again was always arguing so he began spending time with his new married secretary. One night they decided to cross the line also. I did not find out until a month later when she cried rape because he would not leave his wife for her. I, stupid as I am, stayed by him through all his struggle. His wife never found out about this affair. At this point we have been in the relationship for 5 years. All the children had suffered, his 3 grown children and my 4 now half grown children. All of the small town knew of our relationship which made it hard for all involved. When his family went on vacation, he would stay behind to run business. The weekends were ours to travel to far away tourist sites where he could take my family for semi-vacations. I finally got another full time store manager position. I had no choice but to file bankruptcy because I could not afford to live and pay my credit cards. The affair broke my heart more times than I can say. I hurt every time I would catch him in a lie to me. His wife caught us many times together. I would hear his pleas to her saying he hadn’t seen me in a while but the truth was he saw me almost every day. I always feared he would commit suicide so I would stay with his begging and promising me things were going to change. After 8 years he promised that he was going to leave his wife by the end of the year. That was 2 years ago. His business is almost bankrupt now. He can’t pay his suppliers and they are all getting collection agency involved. I know if I leave now while everything is a mess he will commit suicide. I can’t do that to his children. We still see each other every day. I have expressed my wanting to leave the relationship but I am not going to until he gets out of his financial bind. I still am hopeful we will end up together because I do love him so much. I have heard his wife yell at him about everything. I know their marriage is ruined because of me and I am so regretful of that. I have even tried to beg him to try to save his marriage but he said he hates her now. He was afraid she will lose all that was his parents if he left her but it looks like they are going to lose it anyway. I will take him as he is without anything. I did not love him for anything but himself. He is so close to losing it all including me. I want out but just don’t want to hurt anymore people than I have already hurt. At this point again I just wish I would of ran as fast as I could the other way in the beginning. I should of quit my job or what ever it took to escape the life I chose. If you can drop your relationship without too much damage, then do so. I have been destroyed time and again. There is no end to this cycle that I have put myself. I have gave ultimatums to escape. He has not broken any demands yet. First mistake he makes again I am gone. I am past the worst pain now. It is dull now after 2 suicide attempts myself. Just get away fast as you can.

written by sad OW, 15 February, 2009

Just found this site – like everyone else looking for answers. I have had an emotional affair with a married co worker for the past 4 years. We broke up badly 4 months ago but more finally one month ago. I am struggling with lots of emotions – wanting to let go -but having loved this man for 4 years I can’t just switch it off. I am married also have 3 kids and was drawn to this relationship as my husband has struggled to provide for his family and I have had to be the main breadwinner – for the past 12 years. I have resented it but have just got on with it – my husband doesn’t seem to take it on board what he has asked of me. Thinks I should be grateful he contributes what he can (has his own emotional issues to do with lack of confidence). I developed a very close emotionally intimate relationship with this other man – we travelled together a lot through work – sometimes for a few days. We did not go to bed together but kissed and hugged. I was too afraid of the intensity of my feelings to risk it. We left the company where we both worked (we were both partners – with 2 others). The Business fell apart and it was very traumatic legally. My other man had to sell his house and downsize move 3 hours away and start again with his family. The parting was very difficult so we went into trying to maintain a long distance relationship and this is where the problems arose. I would dissect his every word in his email and get upset at the slightest thing. He started to phone me less often which I took to mean he was trying to let go. Although he said he was just focusing on making his new life work. We would meet every 6-8 weeks but it was sometimes rushed – but always lovely – we sit close – touch all the time. These meetings became torture for me – just reminded me what I didn’t have anymore but I lived for the next meeting. Sometimes I would challenge him to end things out of frustration and he would say don’t be silly. Last October I pushed him too far I sent him an angry note – he had emailed me to say how unhappy and and angry he was with his life without saying why. I was so worried I sent him a note to say I would drop everything and see him the next day – I wanted to talk also – unhappy with my life (had money problems as husband had not worked for 4 months). He didn’t answer and then sent a short note saying – not needed – money worries – had to get his wife back to work. I sent him an angry note asking why he bothered me in the first place. Unfortunately his wife read the email. He was accused of having an affair. He then sent me an angry note saying he now had to sort out his marriage and to leave him be for a while. I was distraught that his wife had discovered – I somehow thought our relationship existed in its own bubble. Was an emotional need we both had – and was just about two people making a deep connection. I have been so remorseful and unhappy.. I contacted him 2 months later in December and we talked – I apologized profusely for my note and lack of support – he could barely speak to me with anger at the trouble my email had caused him. I became upset that he was putting all the blame on me. What if she had read some of our more loving emails full of pet names and kisses – arranging our next meetings.
After Xmas I tried again to make amends and have a fresh start – wanted a calm conversation and had been thinking we needed some space but wanted to do so amicably. He ignored my calls and emails and finally sent me a note saying he didn’t feel the same – didn’t want a fresh start – just wanted to get on with his new life. I was so hurt I couldn’t understand how it was so easy for him to walk away from 4 years of closeness – we had shared our inner thoughts our life stories.
I finally got to talk to him and I made him listen to me –
– I had become too emotionally attached – talked about why I had found the long distance relationship difficult and it was making me unhappy (whereas he seemed to cope with it – was enough for him). At the end we agreed to part for 3-4 months – no contact and get back together as just friends. He said I chosen the right words and he was more than happy for us to do that and in the meantime we both needed to sort our lives out.
Immediately afterward I was relieved. But now feel empty and sad. I am angry with him that he put all the blame on me for his wife finding out because of that one email and he was so unkind in his angry emails. I am torn with holding onto the hope that when and if we meet in 4 months time we can move on as friends – see each other from time to time. But part of me is angry with his lack of taking responsibility for what happened and I should work towards not seeing him every again. My head tells me morally that is what I should do as we are both married – my heart wants to hold onto probably the most special relationship and connection I have ever had (or ever will). – not sure my heart will ever heal.

written by Miserable, Confused and Lonely, 16 February, 2009

After all that me and My M/M went through together, all the ups and downs, we don’t even really speak anymore.
After our final blow up, with him apologizing to me at least 30 times. We decided that we would remain friends, that we didn’t want to lose each other. He told me that "it was there". I hold on to those three little words. I want to think that "it" meant our feelings for each other, or maybe it meant the chemistry between each other. I will always remember those word, the will be etched in my brain. I thought all was fine, and we were okay, but he stopped coming in to see me, and completely stopped calling me. I feel the most horrific loss and sadness. I don’t want things to be over. I just want him back. I know that he will never love me the way that I love him. I just miss the friendship that we had. I could talk to him about anything. I really loved him. I still do. We haven’t talked for a while now, and everyday gets a little easier, until he comes in my office and it all starts over again. How do I cope, how do I go on? What do I do?

written by I am sorry, 16 February, 2009

To ‘can’t let go’ and ‘your victim’

I agree with ‘your victim’. Write the email but don’t send it. As you probably know, sometimes just the release of your feelings can be enough. I’m guessing you’re on the same emotional rollercoaster ride as I so your mood is bound to shift substantially from hour to hour, day to day. Don’t do something you may regret later. In the long run it doesn’t serve a purpose and if they wish to save their marriage then they deserve an opportunity to do so.
And to ‘your victim’ – I wish I had words to help you with your pain but I don’t. I’m afraid it is yours to own as I own mine. I guess it’s small steps for you both but for him to recognize that you are worth the world... now that is priceless. I don’t know if you realize it but you have brought a special light to this forum. I wish you all the best of luck with your journey. As for me – I’m outta here for the day. And thanks – I will find the right guy eventually and I will do it by staying true to myself (even though I have bad days too).
Kind regards to you all.
Elle x

written by OW in Hawaii, 17 February, 2009

I’ve been involved with a married man for 7 months now...and I need some advice from people who have been where I am now. This is such a lonely place to be....I hate it. Not being able to talk about it with friends....my mother...anyone.

Our only means of communication is through email. So...I’ve set up on my phone to receive my email. Whenever I get one....from him.....a specific ring goes off...and I know it’s him. I find myself almost salivating...waiting for that ring to go off. Most times when it does...I go straight to my phone and read the message. Sometimes...I feel used and angry...and I will leave the message for later. He cannot text on his phone as it is a work phone...and he cannot call because you can only erase the entire call history...not single numbers. She checks his phone and asks why the call history is gone.

Our relationship...the way that we are together I love. We’ve never argued....we laugh...joke...have a great time. Why does it seem so easy for us...when in my previous relationship...everything was SO hard. He tells me that this feels so right....that he has made his decision. I am the one for him...BUT....he can’t leave just yet. He has a son who is a senior and a young daughter...8 years old. Sigh. Here’s my question. Am I being naive to think that he could ever really leave? He tells me he is so unhappy...and how happy he is when he is with me....yet he refuses to do anything about it. It just doesn’t make sense to me.....

Help....anyone.

written by Lonely and Lost, 17 February, 2009

My affair with a man who is having a baby with his girlfriend has slowly fizzled out, and I am left with these feelings of absolute rejection, abandonment, low self esteem and guilt.

When we first started seeing each other, he was single, but I was still in my long term relationship with somebody else. The attraction grew over about a year, and finally, we couldn’t resist any longer. My relationship at the time was dreadful, and it was the escape I was looking for.

After a few weeks, I made my feelings clear that I would rather leave my partner and be with this man completely, but he was not interested, and said he wanted to be single.

However, a few months later, I discover to my horror, he has a new girlfriend. So, what did this girl have that I didnt? He obviously fancied me to be having an affair, but there must of been something else putting him off. Of course, the thing putting him off was my partner, whom he knew well. I could hardly leave my partner 1 day, and stroll around with my new guy as if nothing had happened. That’s why he didn’t want me. I was in a complicated mess, that wasn’t worth the hassle.

So, he was with his girlfriend, but that didn’t mean the end of the affair. We would still occasionally meet up, whenever they had had an argument, and he wanted some loving. It was at this point, I started to realize that I had been used. My guilt for what I had done to my partner was usually what I attached most to my thoughts about the affair, but I gradually fell in, that although I was doing wrong by having the affair, my guy on the side was doing me wrong by picking me up and putting me down whenever he felt like it.

3 months after him getting with the "new girlfriend", I hear through the grapevine she is pregnant, and they are moving in together, which they did.

Her baby is due soon, and since the pregnancy emerged we have only seen each other a couple of times. The last time I saw this man was about 3 months ago.

I see him about regularly, which I cannot avoid, and he barely takes any notice of me. I know I have no right to feel sorry for myself, but as a human being, I can’t help it. I feel worthless, and I can’t move on.

My long term partner and I are still together, and things are a little better, but not a lot. He has addictions of his own to deal with, which often leaves little time for me.

I know eventually I will move on, and I know maybe it is time to knuckle down and work on what I have got.

What I have realised is that in the end, the person you hurt the most is yourself. I have lost all feelings of self dignity, self worth and self respect, and I have no one to blame other than myself.

But I have learned a valuable lesson. Having an affair, especially one with a married/engaged man, will never become what you want it to be. And you will always be second best.

written by just beginning to feel better, 18 February, 2009

to OW IN HAWAII and every OW thinking are they doing the right thing

have you not read the pain and the suffering in the many stories in this site? and the theme, the outcome is always the same?.without fail the same.. Get out, don’t look back. Get out while you are feeling strong, before it sucks you into a self-disrespecting vicious cycle...you are merely entertainment for him...nothing more,...no matter how much he cares to deny it....he has issues?I listened to the same, lets get married, I can?t be without you, can?t imagine my life without you, we should have a baby, for eight years with my MM, and believe me it gave me the greatest joy?I felt so special?and then when I got in too deep, and my guilt took over I said yes lets do it?.he back peddled so fast, it was a hard slap??..try it say to him you are ready, lets do it?come on lets give it a go?and you will see then his true intentions?..im sure it will be, as it has been for many?.i need to give my family a go, I need to make my relationship with my wife work, I need to get my life back on track, wish he could turn the clock back and have met me first etc etc?.reality intervenes with such sharpness he returns to his reality?you are merely there to caress his ego, he likes the way he feels about himself when he is around you?but give him an ultimatum and he will choose his truth?his reality is with his wife and family?no matter how beautifully you kiss, no matter how incredible the lovemaking is, no matter how amplified the passion is?.you are just his toy?sorry, I know its sad?the moments you are together match nothing you have ever experienced, the truth and pain in his eyes when he tells you he loves you like he loves no other is heart wrenching, he follows your every move, thinks of you last thing at night and first thing in the morning?.its endless?.its been about a year and I am just beginning to get back my balance?I had created another identity with my MM and she is now gone?my world is just beginning to get some focus without my MM?and its not so bad?..so do yourself a favour and prevent either a long term relationship of being second best/guilt/denial/fear and terrible amounts of pain?and return him to his family?mourn a little and get back to caring for your emotions first!!! We woman accommodate too much, your are simply accommodating his confusion and emotional issues?..you are beautiful, trust me, without him??.

written by I am sorry, 18 February, 2009

To: OW in Hawaii

I hear an echo of myself in your missive.

He will prolong the leaving and the excuses will be many until one day he decides that he loves his wife and cannot leave. Can you imagine the hurt and pain that you will go through when you realise how much love, years and endless other possibilities you have wasted.

We all have a moral obligation to other beings but the biggest obligation is to yourself. The life of an other woman is lonely and it ends in a very dark place. Believe me – it is not worth it (I wasted 2.5 yrs).

My only advice is to flick him (and yes it will be the hardest thing you have ever done but in a few months you will realise just how awesomely strong and courageous you are). Find things to keep yourself busy – yoga, friends, BBQs. Who knows – you may even find the man you really deserve at a random activity. You come across as an intelligent and articulate woman – trust your instinct as to why it doesn’t make sense. And no, you’re not naive if you acknowledge what is going on – only if you deny it to yourself.

I’m sorry it’s not all roses but honesty is the best policy. Stay true to yourself and all the best of luck.

Kind regards and best wishes.....

written by Ready to Be Done but Vacillating, 18 February, 2009

Finding this site is like manna from heaven! For everyone who has posted here, thank you for sharing your experiences. I feel like many of the posts were written by my own hand. The emotions and thoughts expressed here are so comforting and I don’t feel so alone anymore.
I am married and have been having an affair on and off since last May with a guy I met on myspace. I have an account on there and occasionally get messages from guys saying I’m hot, etc. and when I was going thru a low ebb with my husband, the flattery and adoration was tempting. I sent a message to a guy in the area who looked attractive and he emailed his phone number back and I texted him the next day to say hello, he called and left a message, I called him back and that’s how it all started. It was several weeks before we actually got together. We met once a week for a month until he left town for several months for a job assignment. I didn’t hear from him for awhile then called him one day and he couldn’t stop gushing about some blond he met who was the "woman of his dreams", blah blah blah. I was devastated. Even though I knew, being married, we couldn’t be together it was as if now my chances were really over since he met Cinderella. A few more weeks passed and I had a scare that maybe I had contracted an std from him since I had never had any symptoms before and could only trace suspicions from the time I met him. He is quite the Casanova and made no bones to me relating his escapades of the past so of course I put the blame on him since I have only been with my husband for 12 years and no one else. I called him to ask him if he had any stds and he was very snotty and said his girlfriend was right there and could we talk about it later. I felt so second class, so trashy, that he couldn’t make me a priority and hear what I had to say. I hung up on him because he was so nasty to me and he never called back nor I him for five months. It turned out that I did not have an std, thank goodness. But all summer I couldn’t stop thinking about him and was sad that it ended so badly and we never straightened the situation out like mature adults. Well by and by, I broke the ice months later by emailing him. He wrote back right away and said he missed me, he’d be back in town, could we meet, etc. I had trepidation but my low self esteem and deep desire for that physical need drove me back to him. I knew he had spent months with his out of town girlfriend and that made me jealous, I must admit. He even told me he gave her an engagement ring but she threw it out the car window in a fight. That angered me because in some sick way I wanted it to be mine. Anyways, he’s been back in town for several weeks to see his kids and work a new job and I’ve seen him clandestinely again. It "seemed" better than before but deep down, I know it’s all an illusion. He’s still long distance dating this girl but recently they had a fight, he claims it’s over, and I feel like I should be there for him to help him pick up the pieces. But why do i care? i shouldn’t, I know. i just want to walk away, rather run away from him and never look back. i emailed him and said I can be a shoulder to cry on and texted him but he hasn’t responded for a few days. Why do I do this? He doesn’t really care about me. I’m just a hole for him to tap and brag to his friends about. I have everything to lose on my end, my marriage, kids, and lifestyle--most of all my dignity. If I told him tomorrow that my husband found out, he’d probably just shrug it off, not give a crap and crawl back under the rock where he currently lives. I truly believe I had an affair because of self-hate and esteem issues and i believe that one person can fulfill those needs. That will never happen, i can only fulfill myself. But the sex often felt like a drug that would ease the pain for a few hours but then the withdrawl has been a bitch. When we part after a steamy afternoon, I’m always left with more emptiness and the not knowing when/if he will ever call again.
My ultimate goals are to 1. get over this guy, 2. love myself and 3. salvage whatever is left of my marriage
I’m deleting his phone number from my phone right now. The good thing is, he will probably never call back so at least I don’t have to worry about him harassing me or anything.
Time heals all wounds, that I know and I have to resist vacillating.

written by arual, 18 February, 2009

I found this site today and am just overcome with emotion! The posts are astounding as they reveal some of the same feelings I have been experiencing for months but have never been able to put into words. I have been in an affair for almost a year now and have vacillated about getting out or not but after reading these posts, I crave to be done immediately! It has been a roller coaster of emotions good and bad, but mostly bad as I realize it is just a fantasy and a search for a need for something that only I can fulfill in myself. I’m tired of feeling ultimately like this guy’s "hole" and fodder for tales with the boys. I am married, he is dating someone and I just can’t take it anymore. Do I hate myself that badly to keep torturing myself like this? Apparently so. If I walk out of his life today, he won’t even care, so there is my answer. I’m deleting his phone numbers right now from my cell phone. I’m afraid of the pain and withdrawal I’m already experiencing but I have to believe it will get better. Thank you posters. Good luck to you all!

written by OW, 20 February, 2009

I’m disturbed by comments from both other women and the jilted spouses involved in these situations. I was the other woman. It was not right, an affair is never a good idea or the right thing to do. However, it is possible that an affair is more than just a fantasy and is a real relationship between two people who genuinely love each other, even if it ends badly. There are people in affairs who see all sides of a person, not just the fantasy side. That may not be the norm, but it’s definitely possible.
I know from experience that there are other women out there who never ever intended for the wife to get hurt and would do anything to make it right with her as they look back on their mistake. I am sad to see so many wives who believe that the other woman did this on purpose to ruin her life.
As a woman, it is unwise to be involved with someone else’s man and it is also unwise to believe that the other woman is the "reason" your husband had an affair. Saying the other woman is the reason for an affair is unintelligent. Saying another woman made your husband have an affair gives your husband an awful lot of credit and puts him on the level of a child, which he does not deserve after he lied not only to you but to her also.
I don’t think people with a conscience get into an affair because they want to and it’s a great idea. Feelings are very unpredictable and the "feeling" of love causes lots of people to do stupid things. All wives and other women need to take responsibility for themselves and quit letting men take the least amount of responsibility....why? because you’re afraid of being alone? You all deserve better, and one day I hope you all believe you are better.

written by arual, 20 February, 2009

Just a note of encouragement to all posters: You will get over this! Is truly just mind over matter! Use the "switching the channel" technique: if you think about your beloved other, just chant a prayer, sing a song, think of a beautiful image, anything other than that person! I’ve been practicing it and it truly works. You will still think of the person but the pain will diminish a little bit more each and every day! And for further therapy, rent the movies Little Children with Kate Winslet or Unfaithful with Diane Lane: great reminders that these situations usually end badly. My thoughts are with all of you Posters!!! I’m in pain too after recently ending my affair of about a year but I keep imaging the confident, happy, valuable person I will be and my drive to get to this goal is seeing me through! She’s going to be a beautiful person worthy of all the love that any human being on this planet deserves but in the proper loving way! Hugs to all!

written by Jean05201, 25 February, 2009

OW in Hawaii,

He is making excuses, you deserve better. Let him come find you, don’t make yourself available at all to him. Just my advice, I’ve been thru this a couple times and have learned the hard way. Read the posts here over and over and you’ll see what I mean. Run from this man. Even if he left his wife to be with you, is that the way to start a new relationship? Good luck.

written by So lost..., 25 February, 2009

Finding this site has helped me so much. I find myself reading it every day just to give me the strength to get through the day. If anyone has words of wisdom, I would love to hear them. Here’s my story:

Me and the "other man" went to high school together, but never knew each other. We reconnected 25 years later. I am married, he is not, but in a long term relationship. I am married to a wonderful man that I don’t believe I have ever loved. I had been a single mother for 10 years. My child is now grown and in college. When I married 10 years ago, I was exhausted emotionally and financially and had given up ever meeting my soul mate.

The other man pursued me. He told me he had a huge crush on me in high school, that he had fantasized about me for 25 years, he said all the right things and made me feel wonderful. I was so stupid, I believed him. I was instantly attracted to him in every way. I realized, "this is how it’s supposed to feel." He said he was unahppy as well and said he was going to break up with the girlfriend, but had to do it "the right way" because he didn’t want to repeat another horrible break up like the ending of him marriage had been. He wanted to make sure she would be okay because he supported her financially. She was obtaining her masters degree and he was paying her rent, etc. I immediately separated from my husband. He never broke up with the girlfriend.

Five months later he took her on a business trip to Europe "because he didn’t want his co-workers to think he was gay" and he couldn’t exactly take me, I was married. That was the end. I was furious when I found out he was taking her. When he got back, he said he realized he wanted the chance to have a child and that he could not leave her. Keep in mind that during this affair, her sister had a baby and he was spending every night bonding with that baby. Looking back, I believe he lost interest in me the minute I left my husband.

Feeling like an idiot, I moved back home with my husband and have spent the last year trying to fix my marriage but it feels unfixable. I have had a taste of a different life and it is hard to go back. My husband has no idea what happened. In the meantime, the girlfriend is finally getting him to marry her, he is happy about the chance to have a child, my husband is happy to have me home, and I am miserable. I am the only one who has suffered by this and I have vowed to keep it that way. I hate myself for being so stupid. I obsess over him constantly. I have never experienced a heartache like this before in my life. I am a woman in my 40’s. This is crazy.

I want to tell his girlfriend so bad, but can’t bring myself to be "that woman." You know, the one he will refer to the rest of his life as the crazy woman who ruined his chance at happiness.

I feel so used, fat and stupid. The girlfriend is younger, has a masters degree now but has never worked and plans to never work. She says her purpose in life is to be a wife and mother. She is a religious fanatic and so is he. I never went to college, I’m a secretary and feel so stupid to have fallen for his b.s.

We will go weeks sometimes and not talk, but I always give in and send him an email. When we email or talk, it is like we are best friends all over again. Please pray for me to have the strength and dignity to stay away from that liar forever this time. I think I can finally do it.

written by sad OW, 25 February, 2009

I also check this site from time to time – it helps. I have told two friends about what has happened but don’t feel I can burden them too often as it is now 4 months since our break up. You are feeling angry at the unfairness of what has happened – having opened up your heart to this man and let him in – he has trampled on your feelings. It is a betrayal. It is better your husband doesn’t know (no point in hurting more people) – be kind to yourself – give yourself time to heal. One day at a time. Don’t expect too much or to suddenly be happy again. I am going through this phase at the moment and there are days I feel ok. But healing is not a straight line and some days I go backwards.
I think keeping your dignity is a good focus – will stop you doing anything silly. All the good advice is to cut contact but that is hard to do. Good luck.

written by Can’t let go, 27 February, 2009

"I obsess over him constantly. I have never experienced a heartache like this before in my life. I am a woman in my 40’s. This is crazy."

Welcome to my world Affairs suck. There’s no way for them to not end in heartache. I lost my best friend by stepping over a line we never should have crossed. I’m heartbroken.

written by Tired, 01 March, 2009

I’ve been a relationship w/ a MM for 5+ years. I was in search of a site that would allow me to connect w/ others who have experienced the same thing that I have. Although it’s not a good thing to be in company w/ others in this situation, it’s comforting to know that there are others that can actually relate to my situation.
...It all happened so long ago; I never meant to end up in this situation. I do recall when it first started, I tried to hard to prevent it from happening, but after sooo much pressure, I gave in. Was I right, absolutely not! At the same time, I do not and will not take full responsibility for the hurt and pain that has been caused to me, him or her. I heard all of his stories about what he was going through (& yes, I do understand that there are always 2 sides to a story, but I only heard 1 constantly) so I felt bad for him and the relationship continued because initially, I felt bad for him. Later, I became so attached emotionally – as did he – that we couldn’t break it off, even though we tried often. Bottom line... I never tried to intentionally hurt anyone, but it happened. If I could have controlled my feelings, I would have, but emotions aren’t like light switches that you can just turn on and off. (Life would be so less complicated if so!)
To all of those who label yourselves as ‘The Other Woman’ – Don’t do that! You are not the other woman, you are a woman who has feelings just as anyone else. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t blame yourself. Learn how to love yourself and accept the situation. When the time comes, you’ll get out of it and you will get over it. Learn/grow from this. There is a reason for everything that happens. You are not second best, you’re simply in a situation that has or has had you bound...Let go and Let God!
To the spouses: Sorry for your hurt and pain! Realize that no one is out to intentionally hurt you – the majority of us don’t even know you. Are we selfish? Maybe, but you really do have a lot more power over your situation than we do. First and foremost, when you get mad w/ your spouse DO NOT withhold sex! (Now, that’s selfish and it opens the door for other problems...like this) Don’t put your spouse down – if s/he feels like they aren’t appreciated, trust – there’s someone out there who will appreciate them. Stop blaming others and truthfully look to see what you’ve done to cause your spouse to seek attention elsewhere.
Everyone: Start fresh today...take responsibility for your actions and move on. If you happen to fall again, get up and start over!
‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’
Be encouraged! ---TOO TIRED

written by Can’t let go, 02 March, 2009

To: OW , February 20, 2009

Yes, my relationship with my MM was a real relationship and our feelings were real. They just were wrong, and when contact was cut so abruptly (when we were caught), it nearly killed me. But what I always knew is that it was at most the beginning of a relationship. We never did all the things you need to do to really develop something, we couldn’t because we were married to other people. So when push came to shove, we weren’t willing to disrupt so many lives (we both have kids) for something we weren’t sure about.

written by sad person, 02 March, 2009

I agree with your interpretation to how we find ourselves in this situation. Although hand on heart we always know when we allow ourselves to cross the line and get too close to someone. Emotional intimacy is such a nice feeling and we realize how much we miss it when it comes along. I am also in my 40’s and long married and you know it is not likely to happen again so you treasure it.
After 4 months apart and no communication for 2 months my emotional partner and I have just been in email contact. We both have said we have moved on but want to meet to ‘be friends’ – we are due to meet in the next two weeks. I know we are both deluding ourselves – it will be like we have never been apart – but I can’t let go – not yet.

written by Tortured but Ready to Take the Next Step, 04 March, 2009

I am a smart, intelligent woman in my 30’s and have been involved with a married man for 7 very long years filled with hope, anticipation, excitement, pain, devastation, misery, love, intimacy, passion, highs and lows... you name it, I have felt it with him. I am single and when we met, the connection was immediate. I had never felt so drawn to someone in all my life. Although it started out with no expectations, we became emotionally involved, and soon the promises started to fly. To this day he says he "wants" to be with me, and has tried on so many occasions to leave his marriage but he just can’t seem to muster up the courage to get the words out. He says his marriage is not miserable, but that it is not "like us", that his wife is not a bad person, but that there is no real connection between them. They just live, breath and don’t have any true intimacy.

The roller coaster ride I have been on emotionally these past few years has killed my spirit, turned me into a screaming crazy person, and I don’t think I have cried so much in my life. I feel I want to let it all go now because I can’t even talk to him anymore without getting into some heated discussion about how he hasn’t left yet, and reminding him of how cruel he is being to all involved.

I know deep down in my heart that I am at the point where I just can’t take this anymore. I have given up so much of my life for him. I have loved this man so much, but what he offers me in return just isn’t enough anymore. I want to feel the passion and closeness with someone always – not just part-time. I don’t want the highs to be torn away from me when he has to leave at night only to go and sleep next to another woman and wake up next to her.

I have learnt a huge lesson in going through all of this. I will never ever get involved with someone who is already involved, and nor will I ever disrespect myself, or others, and risk the pain that I have felt in the past. I am gutted and tormented by this torturous affair. I am addicted, but I want to move on and be with someone who can love me in the same way I do them.

I feel blessed to have stumbled across this website. Thank you for sharing your stories, and may all of you find freedom from the pain. I know I look forward to that day.

written by Can’t let go, 04 March, 2009

Oh, sad person, be careful! You run the risk of getting sucked in all the way again. I don’t know about you, but the pain after d-day was the worst I’ve ever had. I couldn’t go through that again. I hope you’re not opening yourself up to a world of hurt.

written by Ready to let go (was Can’t let go), 05 March, 2009

To Tortured but Ready to Take the Next Step:

You deserve a whole healthy relationship! Even in my short 2 1/2 months since my d-day, I’ve been wasting my time wallowing in pain over this guy. Affairs cause nothing but pain. There’s no good way out of them.

Breaking the addiction is very very hard. It’s taken me this long to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s worth it. I am no longer addicted to him, or to what I felt while I was with him. I want my life back.

I’m finally ready to let go.

written by Bonds, 05 March, 2009

Tortured, you are living the lyrics to Miley Cyrus’s The Driveway. The hardest part is holding on too long. Im married and developed a very close relationship with a colleague at work that became physical around a year later. We were together just one night and then disappeared from each others lives for about five months. We accidentally met again and then, a month later, went into high gear, taking trips together, basically living together for a like a month when my spouse was a way. We are both in love. I was asked by this person to end it for her so I did, but we are still in touch daily and miss each other very much. it is very hard. I dont feel close to my spouse and havent for a while. I have a shrink and we are talking about this black hole. I have two kids at home under the age of 8 who are petrified that one of their parents is about to leave the house. It is very sad. You have to take one on the chin sometimes if you want to keep your family in tact. if youre the single person, then its just as hard. Trust me, Tortured, if he is with you for 7 years, he IS in love with you, sure. But you are also a matter of convenience for him. That doesnt mean he is not in love. Who knows why he wont leave. Kids? Courage? Doesnt want to pay the alimony? Comfort zone? Dunno. Surely when he goes home at night, he is probably not rolling around in the sack with his wife all lovey dovey. If he is like that with you, for seven long years, he is unlikely that way at home. Im talking from experience. Mine has lasted a little over a year. Most affairs last about 9 months. We are off limits, but I fear we can slip. And at home, under my roof, my spouse can be stark naked and asking for it, and Im like...headache! Tired! Anything. And the spouses know something is wrong. Never easy all around. Not easy being a big person. I wish there was a support group for this on both sides -- cheater and cheated.

written by LizC, 06 March, 2009

I too had an affair that lasted 4 months with someone at work-at it just recently ended. We are both married-and I told my husband (who actually forgave me) but the other man-he refuses to admit to anyone what was going on. It is hard for me-and I have confided in others, but it doesn’t help that I have to work with him everyday. I love him still-but I was the one who officially ended it-b/c it was the right thing to do...
I know I will hurt for a long time. But I need to move on-move forward...there is nothing I can do about it now...
I know I will be ok. Time heals all wounds...

written by OW in hawaii, 06 March, 2009

Thank you so much to all who posted regarding my situation.

I guess I’ll have to learn the hard way. While I would give the same advice to any one of my friends...something in me says..."I am different...THIS...is different. WE CAN...make this work."

I know. I know.

written by Sad person, 06 March, 2009

Thanks CLG – spoke yesterday to my OM – we were both nervous and kept it to exchanging info on what we had been doing. He called me but took 3 days to after emailing me – so I was jumping every time the phone rang – which reminded me of all the times I had done that before. When we were talking he started to tell me about some ongoing problems with work and his wife – I changed the subject did not want to get drawn into being the shoulder to lean on as I always did. I kept the conversation nice but short. We agreed to meet in the next 2 weeks or so – when he was next in town on business. It felt strange to hear his voice and not see him. I was not sure how I felt afterward – slightly removed. I think I have developed a bit of a barrier around my heart.
I think I want to meet to see if I still feel the same – perhaps I won’t and it will set me free. Whilst I was talking to him all I could think was how hurt I had been when we broke up – seemed easier for him. I am certainly not free yet.
Part of me hopes when we meet up I will look into his eyes and will see he still loves me and we will learn to live with our secret relationship. In the meantime I am playing the waiting game again waiting for him to call.....

written by Zynfandel, 09 March, 2009

This has been a most helpful site. i have been involved w a MM for over 4 years and have finally decided to get off that roller coaster. I’ve never let a man be in control of my future and now i know why...it’s degrading!!!!! There are so many more opportunities for us that we deserve!!!! No more wasting time on a cheat and a liar, no matter how strong you think your feelings are or vice versa. Actions speak louder then words...remember that!!!
WE DESERVE BETTER !!!! Good luck girls.

written by Ready to let go (was Can’t let go), 09 March, 2009

Bonds (and anyone else), survivinginfidelity.com has a Waywards forum. There’s great support there.

I read a great quote in a book last night. It was something like "take what you want and pay, said god". Now, I’m an atheist, but I’ve been thinking about this. I made my choice to get involved with my xOM and boy did I pay. After losing him, I wanted to die. There’s been plenty of collateral damage here. I’m very lucky we didn’t get even more involved, to the point where my husband wouldn’t be able to forgive me. You don’t know what that payment is or who is going to have to pay it, but there will certainly be payment due in one form or another.

written by Ugg it all sounds so familiar, 10 March, 2009

Wow, is all I can say. Everything I have read here sounds so familiar, of course no two stories are exactly alike but the pain I have felt and have read in these responses is the same. I was feeling the pain as usual and stumbled across this sight by accident as I was looking for answers and advice on how to deal with a broken heart. What I found with this web site was a common bond that most of us have shared. They say misery loves company, but what is nice is knowing that I am not the only one going through such a difficult time in my life. I was a married woman for 17 years, It was not a great relationship but I really never realized it. I grew up with an angry father (love him to death still) and I married the same kind of man, but until I had an affair I did not realize that my life so far has been filled with anger. I met my guy through my children’s school. As with a lot of the stories above, it started out as a friendship first, he was my children’s principal of their elementary school. I was the PTA president and we worked very closely. We developed these strong feelings for each other but did not act on them for about 6 months. I definitely never intended to have an affair and I certainly didn’t think I would fall in love. He was also married. It was very intense and for the first time in my life I knew what it felt like to be so in love. Sadly I was never this in love with my husband. Our relationship continued for 4 months until my husband confronted me and I confessed. My guy and I decided to try a break and try with our spouses. Didn’t work so well as we felt lost without each other, and so we started seeing each other again, another month went by and then my guys wife read his journal that we were still together (I know not smart) so then we agreed to not contact each other for a month and in a month we would see where we were both at. Well my husband found out and called his wife, and then my husband went to the school authorities and had my guy removed from his job. Ugly would not even come close to what happened. My guy completely turned his back on me and refused any calls or contact. I was simply devastated, racked with guilt, scared, out of control. The school was devastated that their beloved Principal was gone with no explanations. I began journalling my feelings in an account on line, and after about 8 weeks my guy started reading them thinking I didn’t know. It felt nice to know he still cared about me, this went on for about 3 months until I finally contacted him and told him I needed the closure he never gave me. We agreed to meet and it was obvious when we did that we were still madly in love. But we didn’t see each other again for 6 months but did email each other sporadically. I wanted to move on from this or get together but living in limbo was awful, so after 6 months we met and were back in each others arms again, but with the intent that we were still going to try with our spouses. This push pull went on all summer and he told me he loved me so much and that he wished he had the courage to leave his wife. It was not good for either of us. So we once again stopped contact, until one day he recorded himself playing guitar and singing special songs and sent them to me, so once again back into each others arms, then my husband broke into my email account (yes it is easy to do, he bought a key stroke tracker and changed the password) things went out of control again, that was 3 1/2 months ago. My beloved guy once again turned his back on me and never even emailed, phoned or anything to say it was over. I was guessing for a long time. I wish I could say I have reached acceptance that we won’t be together again, but sadly I have not. What I have realized is that with me and everyone of you in this same situation, the reason I am where I am is because I never valued myself. It was ok for him to see me when he wanted, and I put up with it. I am working hard at trying to build my self esteem and to realize that I am valuable. I can say the words but I obviously don’t believe it cause I constantly go on facebook and look at his profile. It is like a bad addiction. I even had a friend change my password so I couldn’t go on. I did that for a month and he had blocked me, but the other day he unblocked me so now I constantly look which is not helping me I realize. I so wish I didn’t love him (he doesnt deserve my love) but I am determined to get over this and not take up all my life. It does consume me. But reading what you all have wrote makes me realize that only 1% of married men will leave their wives even if they are unhappy. Thanks for listening to me whine.

written by Ugg it all sounds so familiar, 10 March, 2009

Dear Sad person, I can tell you exactly how it will pan out. You will meet and realize you still love each other and be back in each others arms as quick as a wink. Then it will start all over again and then you will start to feel discontented again and start to push for him to leave, this is when he will pull away and you will push. It is called the push/ pull in affairs. You will give him all your power and in the end he will still not leave his wife, even if he loves you. My guy loved me tremendously, but the cost to him to be with me was just too high. And honestly although I still don’t believe it truly in my heart, I have got to be worth what ever it would cost to be together. I was willing to empty the whole bank for him to be together, but a one way sacrifice won’t work. Please be careful cause every time you get back together, you lose a piece of your heart and it ain’t easy to put back together. Big Sigh, sadly I know this all too well. Good luck.

written by Ready to let go (was Can’t let go), 10 March, 2009

(((Ugg it all sounds so familiar))) sorry to hear it. You need to be strong enough to break the addiction and stop looking, or you’ll never get over him!

My guy’s profile is completely shut down, so I can’t see it, but I can see his wife’s and it drives me crazy Today I saw a response to him on a mutual friend’s profile (we’re blocked, so I couldn’t see his post, but the friend used his name) and it really bugged me!

Find ways to distract yourself from it and convince yourself to start letting go. Letting go hurts, but holding on hurts more!

written by 31 years married 11 yrs 3 kids, 11 March, 2009

Its been 3 months, since I was caught, and instead of getting better its getting worse, I cant stop thinking of him (we both didnt have the balls to leave our kids) and knowing that I will never talk to him again for the rest of my life is driving me up a wall, I cry every single day sometimes for hours. I think I have sunk in a deep depression, as I dont have a sense of wanting to live, I even thought about suicide. Our affair lasted over 2 years and we got caught twice, the second time around my husband almost divorced me, but in the end gave me one more chance he said if I ever contact that guy again he will divorce me within 24 hours, so whats left for me?
I loved my husband, then kinda fell out of love, he is a great person and an even greater father, my kids will never forgive me, if I leave them and ruin their lives, they would be devastated. The guy is also working on his marriage but I have no idea if its working out as he was threatened by my husband to not dare to contact me, what should I do? How do I know if he still wants me?

written by ugg it sounds so familiar, 12 March, 2009

dear ready to let go, I hear what you are saying and I totally agree. He had me blocked but for some reason last weekend he unblocked me. I would search for him just to see his profile pic, so when his actual profile came up it shocked me and I obsessed over it, I spent hours going back and figured out when he went back to his wife,etc, and I knew it was an unhealthy to do for my healing yet like a drug I couldn’t stop,. I also unblocked him so he could see I was still in love with him, again I realize bad mistake, and then something happened, as usual he goes out with his buddies about 2 to 3 times a week ( I would never put up with that, but his wife seems to be just fine with it) and with his buddies are always a bunch of girl friends, well pics were posted to his profile and in one of the pics he has his arms around this girl and was looking at her with love in his eyes just like he used to look at me. It absolutely stabbed me in the heart, but at the same time it also brought me to the desperately needed anger stage I have not been able to reach. I still don’t get how his wife doesn’t just kick him out with all of this and add insult to injury and pics of him holding another woman. I don’t even care if they are just friends, it was more than cozy. It made me actually feel sorry for his wife. So now when I have the urge to look at his profile I get the scarring image of him holding this girl and stop myself, cause I know the pain will be too great. It is called masochism (sp) I also ready a fabulous book called, it’s called the breakup because it’s broken. A must read for all of you. It is funny yet meaningful for us. Please read it everyone. Thanks for the understanding.

written by One Who Learned the Hard Way, 13 March, 2009

There is an old saying, "...when in doubt, do the right thing." If you are on the fence about ending an affair, please ‘do the right thing’ and end it.

Excitement and fantasy will eventually turn into guilt and shame, especially if kids are involved. The sooner you walk away, the sooner you will find a pure, fulfilling, and guilt free relationship you can enjoy for the rest of your life.

written by Ready to let go, 13 March, 2009

To 31 years married 11 yrs 3 kids:

I decided that I would forgive myself for falling out of love with my husband and in love with the OM, and that loving the OM didn’t mean we were meant to be together. At the same time, I started to consciously try to not think about him so much and just start acting loving towards my husband even when I didn’t feel that way. It seems to be working. I’m thinking about OM much less and I can accept him being out of my life, and I’m actually looking forward to spending time with my husband (which I hadn’t for many years).

I can’t be with my OM. Neither of us is willing to leave our families for the other one. Letting go hurts, but holding on hurts more. The only way to let go is to STOP thinking about him, even though I hate doing that. But guess what? I’m starting to feel whole and happy again, instead of broken and miserable. You can do it too and it’ll be better than the misery you’re in now, I promise!

It’s still hard for me at times. Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about OM or pushing my husband away, but it really is getting better.

written by Tortured but Ready to Take the Next Step, 14 March, 2009

Thank you Bonds, and Ready to Let Go for your feedback.

I want to give all of you an update. I have met a "single" man (SM). He is the first man I have kissed (really kissed) since being in my relationship with MM (7 years). SM and I have been in constant contact ever since we met, and he is gorgeous and I am once again feeling all the butterflies begin to stir inside of me (I never thought I could feel this with another person). I know its early days, but it has given me real strength and hope that we can learn to forget the torturous affairs and move forward. I hope someday you will all regain your strength and find exactly what it is you are looking for.

Loads of hugs to all. xo

written by sad person, 17 March, 2009

To all

Is it just women who go through this heartache ? Or maybe men just internalize it don’t talk about it. Certainly helps to write things down and share with others – who understand. I think part of our heartache comes from the fact we know what we should do but we can’t always do it. (Head vs heart). One thing I have discovered is getting over the OM is not a straight line – some days I think I can cope – am thinking about him less and other days I miss him. Part of me does not want to let go of ‘the butterflies’ because it makes you feel alive. I have exchanged emails a few days ago with my OM –
he sent me the nicest note he has for 6 months – of course a big reminder of how things were – waiting to meet up again. Yes am kidding myself I am in control but will try to keep him at a distance. Just can’t let go – just not yet. Like you -Ready to let go – I am trying to be nicer to my husband (who has no idea). Which does helps a bit.

written by Viv, 17 March, 2009

thinksyoureallidiots you hit the nail right on the head!!!

written by Ready to let go, 18 March, 2009

To: Tortured but Ready to Take the Next Step

Way to go! Great news

I’m doing really well too. I’m feeling whole and strong and things with H are going well. Life is good.

written by lovesick, 19 March, 2009

I can’t tell you how helpful this site has been for me. I have read every single post and feel for each and every one of you. I know EXACTLY the pain you are all feeling. The intensity is just breathtaking; I know. A reminder of my story with my original post in Sept 08:
‘My situation in a nutshell. I love a man I met at work. We are both married. Good friends. Lots of flirting. Drunken kiss. He has left work for another job now. Saw him last week at leaving do. Told me he loved me etc etc.
I emailed him day after. Told him couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation.
Emailed me back 2 days later – told me he couldn’t remember much about our conversation that night but whatever it was don’t take to heart.
I’m in bits. Can’t eat, sleep or concentrate.
Why has he hurt me like this? Any men out there can tell me what is going through his mind?’

well, still not seen him but had a bit of contact. Last month he emailed and asked me out to lunch. I was sick with excitement but he canceled an hour before. I rebooked at his suggestion for another day – he canceled again with another pathetic excuse. When I emailed to tell him I wasn’t happy being treated like this and asking him what on earth he was playing at, he replied with a lot of sarcasm; reminding me that he has a life outside me. I was shocked to the core. Couldn’t believe it.
Not heard from him since – I miss him SO much and cry myself to sleep most nights. I feel I am going mad – truly. He has treated me so badly but I still want him.
I would really appreciate some advice/comment from men out there who can tell me why men act like this? It is striking that 99% who post on here are grieving women – why do men do this to us?? And why do we let them??

written by arual, 23 March, 2009

I am so happy for the poster above who finally ended her affair and is in a relationship with a single person! I wish you the best! It can happen: BELIEVE!

I have been in the midst of my cold turkey process (not checking his myspace account or his girlfriend’s account, deleted his phone numbers from my phone, training my mind to "change the channel" on thoughts of him) and by the grace of God, it’s working! I have really felt "free" these past few weeks (I’m doing the break-a-habit-in-21-days routine) and find myself enjoying my kids, focusing on my hobbies again, listening and sharing and being intimate with my husband, and just generally being happy! Also reading motivational and inspirational works, exercising, and rewarding myself about every 3 days for not backsliding keeps a goal in view and keeps the motivation alive to resist contact with my ex-affair. I will admit I wonder if he ever thinks about me or what he might be thinking about me; does he remember our intimacy or conversations, is he miserable with his girlfriend (actually, I hope he’s found happiness there) but then I realize, it doesn’t matter what HE thinks! Only God’s opinion should matter and if my husband or kids knew what I did so why would I hurt again any of those A-list people in my life? For me, the sex aspect of the affair was an addiction, a drug for what is broken in me. When I picked it apart, the intimacy wasn’t even that great with this guy! (that’s probably very mean to say, sorry!)

But I wish everyone here the best in getting over their affairs and checking in here periodically because this board is really a wonderful resource.

Hugs to all!

written by suchafool, 29 March, 2009

He cut off all contact. I am struggling because everything he said and did was based on lies. I will be in a situation in a few days that I can find him... and my mind says no, but my heart says go to him. He will explain everything like he always does. He hurt me, and my kids. He pushed into my life, and said he was going through a divorce and wanted my kids and I to move to be closer to him... it was all lies. He was never getting divorced, she didn’t know about us, and the last contact I have is from her.
I know I need to stay away, that seeing him won’t give me the closure I want. Plus I feel so horrible... cried for days, couldn’t sleep couldn’t eat... dropped 16 pounds in 4 days BUT I can’t even imagine what his wife is going through. I don’t want to put her through any more hurt. Her and I are both victims in this from his lies, his ego, his game, but she is so much more vested...
How can I stay strong, and not be selfish and seek him out. His phone number is changed, his email canceled... I need to stay away. How can I find the strength?
The spiteful part of me wants to give her every detail, and every lie...but I can’t do it. She really doesn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her blame either because he lied...but it really is a non issue. I was good too read the posts above... he wasn’t different...
He got to be terribly controlling, and demanding, and I let him be that way (uuhhgg), and whenever I tried to pull away he grabbed tighter (thanks for the explanation above push/pull... so true). I need strength. I need my life back. I need to get thru this trip next week, and not see him, not seek him out...am I strong enough?

written by Miserable, Confused and Lonely, 29 March, 2009

Well, it has been over a month since things ended for good with me and my M/M. We have not messed around since November, but he made sure that he pulled me along for the ride until early February. He called me and wanted us to hook up again, and I was okay with it because I really wanted to see him and kiss him. He backed out on me, and told me that "it" was there. I didn’t ask him, (I kick myself for not asking him),but I want to know what he meant. Did "it" mean feelings between us. I guess I will never know.
He still comes into my office everyday. Now he flirts with my new co-worker who is 20 years younger than him. She sits 5 feet away from me and he flirts with her right in front of me. It really hurts, but I also see what a true ASS he really is. I thought to myself, as jealous as I get over whom he is talking too and probably seeing or messing around with I should be thankful that it is over between us. A part of me is, but there is still that little part of me that wants to be with him, that thinks maybe he is flirting with my co-worker to make me jealous. Who am I kidding? He is only staying friends with me because he doesn’t want a sexual harassment suit filed on him. Not that I would ever do that, but if rumors are true, one has already been filed on him in the past. So he is probably just trying to cover his ass and remain friends with all the women he screws over so they won’t screw him over!!!!! I laugh as I type this because I see things more clearly as I say it out loud. What was I ever thinking????? This good looking, smooth talking cowboy comes in and says all the right things to me and I melt in his arms like butter. He knew I was having trouble with my husband and he pounced on me. I feel so incredibly stupid, but now I have learned from my mistakes and I hope that I am smarter and will NEVER let someone try to ruin my life again.
For months, I was literally lost, miserable, confused and above all lonely. I now realize that I have a lot to be thankful for!!!!
So to everyone out there who is feeling like you just can’t go on without him.....trust me, you can. I felt the exact same way. I cried myself to sleep, cried at work, cried on my way home from work. I cried so many tears for that man. Everyday gets a little easier. Just ask yourself....if you were to be badly hurt in a car accident, would he come to see you in the hospital? Would he sit at your bedside and pray for you to get better? Or, if you were to die, would he come to your funeral and mourn the loss of you? I am sad to say it, but I know my M/M wouldn’t. He wouldn’t think twice about me.
Just something to think about............

written by the dish rag, 30 March, 2009

So here is my story in a nutshell,
I meet this MM in June. He is unhappy, wife doesn’t appreciate him, thinks wife is running around with a co-worker etc....so we develop a friendship, one night in July, hes in my area, we meet , he drives to my house we drink and have sex. I can see he’s guilty. I want to see him again, We decide to meet for one night,a few days later.Sex was awful, he wasn’t into it....the next morning, I can see hes not into me at all.
We talk very little and he tells me he loves his wife he wants to make his marriage work. No way, I tell him, he loves ME! After about a month of getting on his case for not leaving his wife and threatening him that I am going to call her if he doesn’t come and see me (which he did not), I get pissed off and call her!
(got the cell phone number out of his phone while he was in the shower!) Well, that ended it with him. He was so mean and nasty to me and told me to leave them the f alone and all I was to him , was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life! He wants absolutely nothing to do with me now! He changed his cell phone numbers and the only way I can get in contact with him is through his work email which he ignores.
I have no clue if he and his wife are still together or not! But I do know, he told me, he wouldn’t come to me if I was the last person on earth!

I was used and tossed aside like an old dishrag! MM don’t leave. Learn from my mistake! TOW is just someone MM use. Deep down, they love their wife. We cant fill the space the wife has in their heart, no matter how we try to fool ourselves into thinking that we can!

written by THE WIFE, 31 March, 2009

TO THE OW WHO WAS WITH MY MARRIED MAN..I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FIRST OF ALL....WHEN YOU MET MY HUSBAND, OUR MARRIAGE WAS FAILED! I had an interest in another man, my husband met you.

Your timing was perfect! He knew he lost me. After meeting you and having sex a few times, he realized who he loved and began to fight for me, his wife. He could have left me anytime for you, TOW, but he did not. He told you, THAT THIS WAS A MISTAKE, he loves his wife and it was over, but out of your desperation you continued to harass him for weeks and threaten him to leave me or you would call me and fill me in.

WHEN YOU CALLED, YOU THOUGHT I WOULD KICK HIM OUT AND HE WOULD COME RUNNING TO YOU! I HOPE YOU AREN’T STILL WAITING!!! What you didn’t know is, that we reconciled and our marriage was stronger than ever at that point!

What you and my other man managed to do is, make us both realize how much we do love each other! I thank god I never crossed the line with my OM because the guilt and shame I see my husband live everyday is heart breaking! He can’t seem to do enough for me and I for him and we are each others world. You have helped us both reach a level of commitment and intimacy that I never believed existed!

And by the way.........I GOT ONE HELL OF A NEW DIAMOND WEDDING RING!!!! THANKS AGAIN!

SAVE YOURSELF SOME HEARTACHE IN THE FUTURE, WIVES ARE WIVES BECAUSE OF AN EMOTIONAL BOND WITH A MAN THAT WAS VERY STRONG. YOU CANT EXPECT TO COME ALONG AND IN A MONTH BREAK THAT.....FOR BETTER FOR WORSE....YOUR INVOLVEMENT IN HIS LIFE WAS THE "WORSE" IN OUR MARRIAGE...WE ARE STICKING TOGETHER!

written by just another woman, 31 March, 2009

to such a fool... you are correct in your name, you are such a fool! In fact..all you single ladies doing married men are just that.....STUPID FOOLS!

I am a single woman and would never lower myself to that standard..you must all be so desperate for love and companionship that you will take a fool man thats already married! Come on! There are a lot of single guys out there looking for good women...I dont have a problem at all! But then again, I am a good woman, women that do married men, sorry, are not GOOD WOMEN!
Have some self respect for yourself and stop letting yourselves be used by these losers!!! You’re all just easy , available...and free....you dont cost him a dime to get his rocks off..and the crap lines he feeds you...LOL..WAKE UP LADIES!!!! WAKE UP! REAL LIFE IS CALLING YOU!

written by anonymous12345, 01 April, 2009

just want to say that it’s wrong. i did it. and he is not a kind sort of person to engage in any kind of long term affair and it lasted over three years...sucks to have wasted all that time.

Don’t do it...or end it...those are the only options you have...

written by hurt wife, 01 April, 2009

to : tortured but ready to make the next step

I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU THAT YOU FOUND A SINGLE MAN, I HOPE YOU MARRY AND HAVE A WONDERFUL HAPPY LIFE AND YOUR MM BEGINS AN AFFAIR BECAUSE HE THINKS SOMETHING IS MISSING!
THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL YOU FEEL THE TRUE PAIN AN AFFAIR WITH A MM CAUSES..WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HELL I AM LIVING WITH BECAUSE I MADE A CHOICE TO BELIEVE IN AND LOVE SOMEONE WHICH NEITHER OF YOU RESPECTED!
NOW, I WANT TO LEAVE THE MARRIAGE AND HE IS BEGGING ME NOT TO LEAVE AND OUR CHILD IS HURTING!
SO THANK YOU WOMEN WITH NO MORALS WHO DON’T REALLY CARE IF A MAN IS MARRIED AND WHO BELIEVE THEIR STUPID LIES AND THINK ALL WIVES ARE BITCHES....WE AREN’T,MOST OF US ARE GOOD DECENT WOMAN THAT GET CAUGHT UP IN EVERYDAY LIFE...BECAUSE WE CANT STAND AROUND IN OUR LINGERIE WAITING FOR OUR HUSBANDS TO COME HOME FROM WORK, BECAUSE THE CHILD HAPPENS TO BE GETTING HOME FROM SCHOOL THE SAME TIME, MEANS, THEY DONT GET SEX...OR, WE ARE MEAN AND NASTY BECAUSE THEY CANT GO OUT DRINKING ON THE WEEKENDS WITH THEIR BUDDIES......GO AHEAD, BUY INTO THEIR SOB STORIES..BOTTOM LINE IS, WHEN THEY FIGURE OUT THEY REALLY ARENT MISSING SOMETHING WHEN THEY START AN AFFAIR, THEY COME RUNNING BACK TO THEIR WIFE, THEIR REAL LIFE!

WHAT COMES AROUND WILL GO AROUND!

written by foolishagain, 01 April, 2009

So I finally did it--again. Let’s hope it sticks this time. He was older (15 years!), extremely intelligent, and a mentor for me. He of course said he hadn’t had sex with his wife in years (lie?) and they were in therapy. Off and on I waited while he went to therapy and for him to make up his mind. He said he’s never loved anyone like he loves me, but his child makes him want to stay. I miss him already, but I can’t take this rollercoaster anymore.
Three years I’ve been on it. I just want to have a normal life. I’m leaving the job soon and will be away from him, so I’ve asked him not to contact me. Sux because we were best friends. He wants to know why I don’t want to be his friend. Why reward him with my friendship? I think it’s a way for him to keep contacting me just in case so he can sneak his way back into my life. I’m trying not to hate him, but it makes it easier if I do.

written by THE LOSER IN THIS GAME, 01 April, 2009

Here is my story, I met this mm through his work. I contacted him to see if we could get together. He didnt seem interested , just nice at first. After a few emails, MM agreed to meet me for drinks. He told me he is married. Having problems in the relationship. I knew that and didnt care. Told him, I would never make problems for him if he decided to start something.

About 3 weeks later, we agreed to meet. We had sex. Then we met again a week later...overnighter in a hotel near the beach...sex again.

The next day, he made me leave when I know he could have spent the next few days with me.

A few days later, he tells me, he loves his wife..they have their issues but decided to work through them and I could never be what she was to him. This devastated me! I was under the impression he would leave her for me, he just seemed so unhappy!

I had his wifes cell number ( i looked at his phone when he was in the shower) and I called her.
Through a mutual friend, I found out she was devastated. She cant eat or sleep, their little boy has anxiety issues and mm is doing everything and anything to keep the family together and that he confides in his friends that I was only "convenient" at the time and a very poor decision.

I continue to harass him with emails at work. He just ignores me.

I am a very intelligent person, normally!This is what a unhealthy relationship can do to you! I have lowered myself to a place that I never ever dreamed I could be. I intentionally hurt a person that had nothing to do with what we did, it was wrong.

OW’S LEARN FROM THIS MISTAKE!

written by beaten by my own game, 02 April, 2009

I have been married to my husband Jack for 9 years. When Jim walked into my life last year, he sent me through a loop. We all worked together, though my husband and I rarely worked the same shift, Jim and I did.
The sexual chemistry was too strong between us, although I maintained self control, I was getting weak and the flirting became serious. It wasnt too long before rumor got back to my husband and he was devastated and begged me to cut off my friendship. I in turn, yelled at him and told him he would not control my life or we would divorce...he married me knowing I work with men and if he is insecure, maybe we should separate....from that day on...he kept his mouth shut.
I became more distant from Jack and focused on Jim, he was exciting! He didnt care about my husband and made it known he was after me.

My father died and I was in a bad place emotionally, I knew Jim was getting transferred in 2 months and my primary focus was on meeting with him and giving in to him sexually. One night I had the opportunity. I was on my way and stopped.....realized that I had this wonderful husband who has always given me everything I wanted...who would drop anything if I needed him and through all this continued to spoil me rotten, even though, I cut myself off from him.

I didnt go meet Jim, but that night Jack gave in to a woman that was "good" to him and made him feel loved. I had no clue.

After that, he couldnt eat or sleep and was very emotional and sad. He couldnt look me in the eyes and my guilt was overwhelming, how could I have hurt this man like that when he was always so good to me.

We had a huge fight about Jim , how I could have been with another man when all Jack did was love me and give me everything I always wanted...Jack didnt believe I did not give in to Jim...when he realized I did not, he broke down emotionally. I felt so awful, because I destroyed him with my behavior.We decided to reconcile our marriage...it was the best marriage, we were in a place I didnt even know existed..I was complete and content, I wanted nothing more in life , God gave me all!

What I didnt know, is that he was being harassed by his OW, for not leaving me, who was threatening to call me and fill me in on how she loved my husband and I didnt deserve him.
She called, I was devastated. I believed he didnt love me enough to stop himself, in reality, I broke him down to a point where he was a broken man.

Ladies, married to the men and the OW involved....learn from this....if you dont love your husband, some one else will.....and ow...the bond between husband and wife is usually a strong bond. If he is to the point of an affair, don’t get involved. If the marriage is that bad, he would be a divorced man not still a married man.

In the end, too many people get hurt. Although we are lucky and realize we both made mistakes, it’s still very hard to live with the betrayal.

We are back on track and whole. No one will be able to penetrate us..it’s a great feeling and it’s the kind of relationship we all deserve.

written by hurt by lies, 04 April, 2009

this is so sad, sad for all involved,the mw,the mm,the girlfriend or boyfriend, how can a person fall into this game of lies and sneaking around,what is your night like and the days you cannot be with the cheater you are seeing? lonely i bet,why would you want that,is a few stolen moments better than a full commitment? and living the truth,is living a lie better?
how can that be a true relationship when you have to sneak and try to steal time with someone who is married,you never fully know the person,the spouse does,you only see what the cheater want you to see,they lie to you about home to string you along,or to help ease the guilt of the cheating,don,t you feel you are worth more,? someone tell me how this could make you feel love and cared for?
while you know you are destroying someone else life and they are being lied to when the person your cheating with returns to their partner, second hand sex second hand love or should i say lust,how do you feel knowing the man you have given yourself is home making love with his wife,and then comes to you when he feels like he wants a change? how degrading don,t you think?

written by hurt by lies, 04 April, 2009

to such a fool,
don,t dwell on it sweetie, let him go,,, he,s a liar a cheat and a sneak, is this the type of person you want helping raise your children? he is and has used you, hurt you hurt his wife,your also right she is destroyed and deceived,he is scum he deserves to be made to squirm and suffer,I would hold steadfast and let him go, if he contacts you refuse him,he has his wife,you deserve better,he lied to you lied to his wife and thinks he can do as he pleases,i bet he hasn’t even been honest with his wife about you, i,m sure she has asked him if he is cheating,he most surely has lied,
you can find better,i surely would not want him with my children,,
hang in there be strong let him go he,s a snake he will be caught one day, do you want to be in the middle of that?
find happiness that is true to you and your kids,not some cheating liar,
best of luck to you,, expose him,,, he needs to be accountable,good luck to you,,
don’t seek him out be true to yourself !!!

written by beaten by my own game, 06 April, 2009

FORGET HIM, YOU DESERVE BETTER! PLUS, DOES HIS WIFE REALLY DESERVE THIS????YOU SEEM TO BE A DECENT WOMAN AND YOURE THINKING, LISTEN TO YOURSELF, BE STRONG!

written by Devistated, 07 April, 2009

He cut off all contact 11 weeks ago. He sent me an email telling me he told his wife about "us", loved her, and was ending our 1 1/2 year relationship to give his marriage a fair chance.
He changed his number and email address. I cry at least three/four times a week. I see a therapist every other week and I’m still sad.
I used to be a happy person before this and that’s all I want again..is to be happy.
I’m grieving right now, its like he’s died, yet I know he’s alive and I think that makes this ten times worse. Ugh...I HATE HIM!

written by lied to wife, 13 April, 2009

To "Devistated"....GOOD FOR YOU!

You played with fire and got burned.

You took a chance with a man you knew was not available to you.

I dont feel sorry for you at all. You were used for sex only..like most married men use you easy, sleezy women with no morals or self respect!

The only problem in my case is, my husband did not leave with his OW...He wants to fight and save our marriage...to be honest, I cant even stand him anymore! I wish the skank he was with would have called me sooner....hell, I would have packed his bags for him and delivered him to her doorstep!!!

But instead, as our marriage was failing and before I found out about her, he ended it, because he realized he loves me and we made amends. So, now I live with some sorry pathetic sap who ruined both our lives!

I used to be a happy person too, a very happy person, I cry at least 3 -4 times a week too...You stepped into a relationship that was wrong...mine was right and made wrong by 2 people , 2 selfish people who extent of their relationship was nothing but sex and lies. Now, Im in the middle of something I dont want to be in...

written by Another broken hearted woman!, 13 April, 2009

I stumbled onto this site while looking for help to get over a broken heart. I even did a search on grief counseling, because like so many of you here, I’m grieving and so lost and so alone. Nothing helped until I found this site.

I broke it off with own true love two weeks ago. Don’t cheer too loudly or applaud too heartily, I did it because once again things just weren’t right....phone calls and voice mails unanswered or not returned, e-mails unanswered , not showing up for instant messaging, not every time, but more and more often. All this from the man, who before, couldn’t let a day go by before without telling me he loved me (he didn’t want to risk losing me again)!!!

So I broke it off, funny, how he didn’t try to talk me out of it!!! Oh he told me he loved me, said I was the only love of his life, that he’s always loved only me, always will, forever and how he hopes for the day we’ll be together! But still didn’t try to talk me out of it....you aren’t surprised, are you?!!!

My plan was to read through all your stories and then pour out my heart telling mine. A funny thing happened though, in the hours and days that it took me to read all of yours. I realized, how very much alike all our experiences are. Oh the details and circumstances are different. But the basic facts and the terrible heartache are so alike.

One of the things I’ve taken away from here, a sentence that has become my mantra...."He loves me, he just doesn’t love me enough" No matter how much he swore he did, no matter how passionately he said it and how often. No matter how his eyes misted over or his hands trembled as he held me and loved me. The simple, honest fact is, he doesn’t love me enough to change his life, very, very few of these men, that we would endure anything to be with, are willing to do that thing for us!

I watched a program last week, the main character knew a woman had been having an affair, but had ended it. He asked why she had and she said she’d realized she was still in love with her husband. He later told his partner that was a lie, that affairs don’t end because one of the people realize they are still in love with their spouse. They end when one of the people involved find it impossible to take the affair to the next level. Pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it?!!

Made me think, ask yourself this....if you, your beloved and his wife were all on a ship at sea, the ship starts to sink and the life raft will only hold two people. Who will your love save, you or his wife??

Now, same question, only all the life boats around yours are filled with his friends and family....who would he save then???

And finally, the most brutal question of all, if only one person can fit in the life boat....would you bet your life that the man you’re breaking your heart over, who has abandoned you, who has walked away from you without a backward glance, or professing he will always love you and only you, but still walks away....can you honestly answer, without a doubt, that you would be the one put into the life boat, or would you be paddling water watching him paddle away to safety???????

In all honesty, I don’t know about you, but after reading all your messages (and from my own experience), I wouldn’t want to be the one counting on being in that one seat life boat....I realized I don’t have enough faith in him not to save himself....he might have a tear in his eye, regret in his heart, as he paddled away, but I’m afraid I’m pretty sure he could do it and somehow justify it in his mind over time! Isn’t that what they all do to us?!!!

I’m still heartbroken, I’m still in great pain, but every time I picture him in my minds eye, long to hear his voice and feel his touch....I’m going to repeat my mantra and envision a life boat with a single figure, rowing away!!

written by foolishagain, 14 April, 2009

Dear Another,
You are so smart. Your story is mine and I grieve with you. We grieve alone while they sleep cozily in the bed with their wives. It annoys me that people think we are skanks or hoes or whatever. I didn’t ask for this pain. I sure did not want to be in this boat.

written by Another broken hearted woman!, 15 April, 2009

Oh foolishagain, I sure don’t feel smart! And for all those who look down on us, all I can say is until it happened to me, I never, ever, ever thought I could be in this position!

If you met me, you’d think me a good, moral, decent, upbeat and happy person. I was all those things but still I fell in love with someone I shouldn’t have.

Most of us aren’t ‘out there looking’, we aren’t whores or tramps, we are decent women who are blindsided by something we never expected to happen and certainly wouldn’t have chosen to happen!!!

If we were whores or tramps, we’d move on to the next ‘victim’, but instead we grieve and try to pick up the shattered pieces of our lives and go on. And to the largest part, we do this in lonely silence, because most of us have no one at all we can talk to about any of this!!!

And whether you can believe this or not, there isn’t anything you can say to me, that can make me feel worse about what has happened. I have not only the pain of this devastating loss, but the guilt I feel for all those I betrayed, my husband, my family and you and yours....and finally, myself, because I betrayed everything I thought I was!!

I’ve been a fool, a total and complete fool, I fell in love, totally, hopelessly, completely in love, I wish I hadn’t, I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t and I’ll be paying for that for the rest of my life!

You have your support, friends and family, and yes, even the men we love, to help you through this nightmare. Most of us, the other women, have no one. I certainly don’t, or didn’t, until I found this site. And while I’m truly sorry for your pain, the women here need help too and this is a place for us, the ‘non’ whores and ‘non’ tramps who made a terrible mistake, are torn to pieces and need help too. Please let us find some peace and help here.

written by weepingwillow, 15 April, 2009

I’ve been reading this forum for quite some time now, and have always wanted to post my story, but never had the gall to do so. I guess today is the day.

My story is a little different then the rest of you. I knew MM for 8 years. He is married to my sister’s husband’s sister. So, in essence, he is my sister’s brother-in-law. I’ve known the two of them for a long time, the length of time my sister and her husband started dating, but never looked at MM twice. He was not my type, I thought him extremely obnoxious, and most importantly, he was married! We would see quite a bit of each other at family functions, or social outings b/c we all hung out together.

About a year ago, MM would come out w/ the group, and his wife would not. She was working evenings, and according to him, not coming home until the wee hours of the morning. He would literally cry to anyone who would listen, when we’d be at the bar, or wherever. To the point that no one wanted to listen anymore. I would tell him how bad I felt for him, and I was sorry that he was so sad, but I don’t know how else to help him.

He then started to pursue me as a friend. Calling me ALL THE TIME! Begging me to be "his friend" and "go to" person, b/c I give great advice. I continually refused and told him that it was a conflict of interest, and I did not want to be involved. Well, he finally wore me down. He sent me a text msg one day last May, and I was at work. I texted him back, "JUST EMAIL ME THEN!!!" He did within minutes. We spent that whole day emailing back and forth, and he asked me if I’d meet him after work to "talk." I finally agreed.

That was it for me. We spent hours sitting at that bar, laughing, talking. I saw a side of him that I didn’t know existed. He wasn’t the obnoxious, a-hole that I had pegged him for. He was a man grieving for his wife’s attention. I have him advice, suggestions etc on how to get the spark back. Anyway, the emails continued after that, and so did the visits. We literally met everyday, M-Sat. Sunday he was home w/ the family.

He would still complain about his wife, but told me that he had fallen head over heels in love, and has NEVER been so happy in his life. He told me that he has guilt b/c he chooses to spend every free minute w/ me, rather then his own children. He made love to me in ways that I didn’t realize existed. Our relationship was SO intense, that I was willing to lose my whole family over it. Obviously no one knew.

We’d also see each other at social functions, and pretend to just be friends. Then in about Sept, he started pulling away from me. I didn’t know why, but he finally said that he wanted to make things work w/ his wife. I was crushed, but understood. He also said that he wanted to remain friends, b/c he couldn’t "NOT have me in his life." We would still see each other occasionally, but not like over the summer.

By Christmas, I was getting obsessed. Calling him hysterically telling him how much I love him, and can’t live without him. He was ALWAYS kind and gracious, and would say, " I’m so sorry I hurt you. I should never have let this happen." I tried to let my feelings for him go so that he could be happy.

Stayed in touch as "friends." Valentine’s day, he calls me and asks to take me out. Took me for the most romantic dinner, and then to an expensive hotel, where he ordered strawberries, champagne, and spent the night w/ me. That was the last time I saw him, alone.

About a week later, he calls me and says, "I know I can talk to you about anything. I’ve met someone, and I’ve never felt this way before. She is my soulmate." I almost passed out right there! Come to find out, he ran into his high school sweetheart, and they immediately started talking. He even told his wife about her, and how he’s in love w/ this girl. He has filed for divorce, and spends every minute with this woman.

After he told me about her, he also emailed me to tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore, it’s her. But he still wants me to be part of his life. We spoke a few times after that, and now it’s been a month since I’ve heard from him. Longest stretch ever. Unfortunately, I know everything that goes on between them b/c of our mutual friends that we both hang out with. I am so crushed. I truly have never been so sick and broken-hearted in my entire life. and I STILL love him And if he gave me another chance, I’d go running back. But he is in the process of a divorce, and in love w/ the high school sweetheart. What did I do to deserve this? I was NOT the one who pursued him in the first place. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I gave in, and now he is happy, and I am the miserable, lonely one.

Sorry so long-winded

written by Tortured but Ready To Take the Next Step, 15 April, 2009

To: Hurt Wife and all the other wives

Thank you for your input, and I hear what you are all saying. It seems you are very intrigued by us – the OW. We are all human beings here, and we all make fucked up mistakes in life, but if we can all walk away out of this experience a better person then I believe it all happens for a reason. Don’t get me wrong – I know how much pain and heartache is felt (not just by you), but by all parties involved, and I do not condone my behaviour in the past. I take full responsibility for my part. However, I never dreamed that I would be involved in such a relationship, and trust me, I will never ever ever go down that path again.

I went through so much with my MM. Was with him for 7 years, and as was said in one of the posts above, he definitely loved me, but just not enough. He met my family, my friends and over the time, I fell pregnant to him... twice. I terminated both pregnancies just so I would not cause his true family grief (at the time or in the future). In some crazy way, I was protecting him and his other life, and to this very day his wife does not know about me, nor will she unless he chooses to tell her. Sad that a man can live such a massive lie in his life.

So you see... us "OW" sacrifice and hurt a hell of a lot also, its just a different pain to what you may feel, but pain is pain and we both know how much it hurts.

To this day he still contacts me and I am not interested because he is not available. Yes, its taken me a long time to realize that, and at what cost, but I don’t regret, because I have lived and learned and become a much better person for it. I’ve told him to put his energy into his marriage or simply leave if he can’t love and respect his wife and family the way that he should.

What you guys need to realize is that the OW is not the only perpetrator in this and we do not stand at the door in our lingerie waiting to seduce MM (that is such an idealism). I just wish I knew what I know now, but unfortunately you can’t turn back time you can only strive to be better.

As I said, I do take responsibility for the part I played in all of this, and I am truly sorry for all the pain and heartache caused. I don’t hate you, I don’t hate him, I just want everyone to love and respect one another the way that they should.

written by enjoying life again, 16 April, 2009

To all of you out there who are going through heartache...i was you.
Wives – dont judge as i have also been on your side.My first husband left me for another woman when i was pregnant and it was the best thing that ever happened as i saw what a pathetic man he truly was
OW, I was you also.
After being cheated on, i never thought i would have been on the flip side as the other woman one day.
He was charming attractive and very kind at first. He made me feel like the only woman able to catch his attention. After months of flirting and chasing me, i finally gave in and we began a full blown affair.
This time i was married as was he. It was everything i had imagined it to be. Then abruptly, he ended it i thought my life was over..but really it truly was just the beginning. I had a meltdown, crying for months barely functioning. Until one day, i got up and thought hey, I wasn’t crying for Him, i was crying for me! At that moment i found out just how much i needed to love myself again.
My MM went back to his wife and family cause he was happy living his dysfunctional life as the Martyr in his marriage. Funny seeing as he couldnt even end it face to face or a phone call with me. All i got was a pathetic email that said "I wish you well in all your future endeavors. Good Luck".
I can laugh about this now as i realized after 1.5 years i had wasted valuable ME TIME on someone who was a coward and wishing me luck!!!???
No thank you! I dont need your luck!
I eventually told my husband everything and the man was the strongest man i have ever known. He picked me up again and we are now in a better place than we were before the affair happened.
MM still lives a life full of lies with his wife. I heard he is seeing somebody else now.Looks like someone else will get hurt too.
Ladies, Be strong and just chalk it all up to experience. It truly does get better!
The highs of life are just returning for me and they will for you too someday. I never forgot something he said to me just before we parted. He said "Forget me, cause i have already forgotten you" to which i replied, "i will never forget what we had...my memory of you will just eventually fade away with time"...Everyday It has been fading..but i will never Ever forget the hurt.

written by arual, 17 April, 2009

cannot say enough how much of an incredible source of help and inspiration this site has been in my affair recovery! The other women and married women embarking on affairs should never feel like they are whores are sluts. We engage in these acts because of our deep emotional needs and our capacities for great love. It’s just unfortunate that we end up with men who do not mutually share that affection and that’s their incredible loss. I am a MW who had an affair with a single guy, the King Cad of the Universe! Granted, he was single and could sleep with whoever, but the bottom line is he did not respect any of the women he was with and used pity and deception to extort money from some of them (they too were probably just beguiled by love and fell into his trap; thankfully, I never gave him a dime!). Mine reared his ugly head again earlier this week when one of his "harem" contacted me through an old link on myspace. It was one of those connect the dot stories and I think she contacted me to confirm what she already suspected about his lies and deceit. I probably should have just ignored her email but I could sense in her the signs of what I was going through and as a woman to another woman felt my compassionate helpful side come out. Well, after our conversation she called him and confronted him and he wasted no time in getting on the horn and completely reaming and threatening me if I ever talked to her again, blah blah blah, he’d get a restraining order, he’d find out where I live, he’d make my life hell. Well, of course I was taken aback and admit I do feel a bit scared of what this bastard could do to me but I also have to realize it was probably just idle threats and he is likely just pissed that I blew the lid on his sham. He has a 3rd woman in another state who he met on one of his jobs and got her to borrow on her investments to give him money and also lawyer fees for his dead-beat Dad troubles. So I don’t think he would start to stalk me or damage my property because one more offense and his ass will be in jail! I learned he did serve time for fraud years ago, learned this from the #2 girl who ran a background check, so I’m sure he is capable of destruction. But I’m not going to give him power in my head and live in fear. If anything happens, the trace will go directly to him and I have to believe the law will be on my side. If anything, talking to girl #2 incredibly helped in my recovery because I was still carrying the weight of him around in my psyche. She said I was an angel and thank me over and over again for helping her. Unfortunately, since he threatened me if I ever talked to her again, I am not contacting her, nor has she me (he probably threatened her) and I don’t want to risk any harm to me. The thing that hurt the most was he called me crazy and psycho! I am those things for ever tying up with him!!!! I’ll just have to pray for her that she’ll be safe. Maybe someday when a long time has passed I’ll try to reach her again. All I can say is I feel like: A 400 POUND ELEPHANT HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY BACK! Ending this association has been the best thing for me and it got rid of those feelings of restlessness, anger, and longing waiting to see where this thing would go. I suggest lots of spiritual reading and most importantly, belief in oneself. Good luck and hugs to all!

written by to all OW, 18 April, 2009

I am a married woman whose husband cheated 3 years ago.

As all marriages do, we hit a rough spot. To be honest, I figured out he was in contact with someone, but i really didnt care. Our marriage was so bad at that point, I wanted him gone.

When my husband met his OW, he did the same song and dance all the married men do...."my wife, this, she doesnt do that, she fights nags, etc...." if the other woman would have called me up, I could have filled her in on his shananigans..believe me, she would have run like hell from him. But instead, she chose to believe his sob stories and the stories and lies he said about me.
He , was starting to drink and drive, party with some loser friends, go drinking at various homes in the neighborhood and stagger home drunk....Now, a woman like me, does not tolerate behavior like that...so we started to have problems. Yes I fought with him, yes he did not get sex (are you kidding me!!!) Then to top it off.....he became lazy at work which created even more problems for him and I lost all respect for him and it wasnt long till another man came along that I was attracted to.

Thats when he went to the OW. The fun girl, the party girl, the no responsibility girl...who could sit in bars with him all night and drink, who didnt care about driving with him drunk.......but guess what happened? After 2 "dates’ with her, he had it. That wasnt what he wanted....he wanted his wife, his child, his family back and became the man I married.

My point here is....if this wife is fighting with him and not giving him sex.....WHAT IS HE DOING TO TURN HER OFF AND INTO THAT KIND OF WOMAN????
I actually feel sorry for the OW, because she was devastated when he told her it ws over and a mistake.(because she wasnt about to let him go, she thought she hit the lottery (_great looking guy, makes lots of money) He told me all she was to him was a big NOTHING, AVAILABLE FOR SEX ONLY. He says she was no different than a whore, except he didnt pay her for sex, just bought her drinks.
As for infatuation about you OW with the wives....I admit, I had to see what she was , just out of curiosity and I am so glad I did see.....its like he said, she wouldnt have gotten a second look if he wasnt in a bad place. What a lot of you OW dont understand is, you arent always better than the wife he has at home...very rarely in fact. You OW are used to fill something MM think they are missing, but then they realize, they really arent missing it THEY USUALLY DO GO HOME AND SLEEP WITH THEIR WIVES IN THEIR COZY BEDS.... I have forgiven my husband and I have a real true meaningful marriage.

I thank you, OW for making my husband realize how lucky he really is to have me.....like the other wife in this thread, I got ONE HELL OF A DIAMOND RING TOO...LOL AND DIAMOND NECKLACE...FLOWERS WEEKLY....ROMANTIC DINNERS.....I AM A SPOILED ROTTEN PRINCESS... I know my case is a rare case in which my Husband is truly remorseful and proves his love for me every day for the last 3 years! And he tells me every day how much he loves me.

I am sorry for all the hurt his mistake caused me and the OW..because as married couples, we need to work harder and communicate our problems to each other and not involve innocent parties who eventually do get hurt. We strive every day to keep ourselves open to each other.

I am not here to slam anyone, wives especially, because although they are not totaly innocent, there is a vow that is being broken and usually they have no clue whats going on with another woman... an affair is based on lies...Hes lying to you, the Ow and his wife....Please ladies, married and single, think twice before you act....eventually, sex is all the same...it may be exciting in the beginning but eventually, the lies and the cheating will haunt you and you will feel bad like most ow in this thread.

written by sad person, 18 April, 2009

to another broken hearted women and all
I wrote my last post on 17 March. Since then I have met up with my MM again after 6 months apart. Nothing had changed – we fell into each others arms – did not stop smiling and laughing / touching. we are back in touch by mail and phone mostly (he lives 2 hours away). We broke up because his wife read one of our emails and accused him of having an affair. (we have not physically been unfaithful – but love each other). We both need each other in our lives and 6 months apart has proved it – we had to see each other again. (known each other for 5 years).
Like another broken hearted women – most people I know would describe me as a caring, moral decent wife and mother. I would never of thought I would find myself in this situation. But I am. The world is not black and white. Having thought I lost him I am now so happy to have a part of him. If we truly love someone and lose them – it never fades – you just learn to live with their absence.

written by i am ow too, 19 April, 2009

I read some of these stories and I can’t believe how attached your OW has become. I have been an OW for many many years; my husband died years ago and I know there will never be another to replace him.

You are all so full of yourself thinking you are so great! Greater than the wife, you actually think all husbands will leave their wives for you.

FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU ARE GOING TO ENTER INTO THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP, EXPECT THINGS TO FAIL. THEY USUALLY DON’T GET BETTER, THEY GET WORSE. WHETHER HE STAYS OR LEAVES HIS WIFE FOR YOU. IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE LOSS WITHOUT HAVING TO CAUSE TROUBLE. DON’T MAKE THE MOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

GOOD LORD!

written by Fallen Star, 24 April, 2009

I have been searching and searching for a site to express myself to w/o all of the backlash from hurt wives. So many of you share the same situation as I do! Amazing! I too am a professional, intelligent, divorced, christian mother. Yes, christians are not perfect people and have many, many flaws. When my husband left me and my children after 8 years of marriage, I fell completely apart. The ONLY reason I kept on going was b/c I knew my children needed and depended on me. My ex-husband did not leave b/c he was having an affair, he just felt as though we grew apart over the years and was no longer interested in "working" to save our marriage. In all the years that we were married, I never even thought about having an affair, for I would NEVER condone or understand an affair, and the people who ended up getting hurt from affairs DESERVED whatever happened to them. Of course my views have since changed. I begged my ex to work things out for three years straight! Even through his affairs (after we were separated) and even through him having another child with "one" of his girlfriends. He was in and out trying to reconcile with me, but never stayed. We finally divorced and I still had a little hope that he would come back to me and his children. I met my MM at work this summer. I knew immediately that he was someone I’d be interested in. He wore no wedding band so I had no idea that he was married. We eventually ended up going on a date, and as the night ended, the attraction b/w us was undeniable! He wanted things to go further that night but my gut told me not to. So after heavy kissing and petting, I asked how many women he was involved with, and he hesitated but told me only one. I then took a big gulp and asked "are you married?" He said yes, but I am separated from her. Well that did it for me b/c I had been involved with a MM immediately after my husband left me until I realized that I could not live my life that way. So I explained to him the pain that I had previously gone through with my MM and was not interested in creating that type of pain for myself again. Long story short, we ended up seeing one another, and I found out that his wife was pregnant through the slip of the tongue from one of his male friends as we were at a social gathering together. My MM’s wife did not live in the same town, for he came to this town to get a job, and when she threw him out, she changed her mind and wanted him back. Well I was furious about the news! He explained that she was already pregnant when she threw him out, and that the baby was actually due within the next two months. It was difficult, but I continued on. Now, he has been fired from the job, and will be moving back to be with his wife. I NEVER expected him to leave and he NEVER promised that he would. He has a toddler, and now an infant. This is NOT a situation that I wanted. I take full responsibility in my part for allowing this affair, but we fell in love along the way. Yes, it is wrong! She found out about me through emails. Now all of the emails were strictly professional and nothing romantic or sexual. I have never been "out to break up their home." I explained to her that we were strictly colleagues. I felt horrible for lying to her, but he confides everything in me and she had no idea that he had been fired and figured that something was going on b/w us. Right now I am hurting b/c I really cannot imagine my life w/o this man when he leaves in a few months. He wants to find a way for us to continue seeing one another, and I want that more than anything, but I also want to be happy. As much as I deeply love this man, I am not truly happy living my life this way. Again, I know that I am so wrong to have allowed myself to get into this situation AGAIN. I was certainly a woman who would say "I’d NEVER" until I was left by the person I trusted and loved more than anything. I felt so rejected, and lonely. I prayed, cried, prayed, fasted, everything but ended up going with my flesh. Yes, I am paying the price now for loving a MM. I am not looking for sympathy, but I do believe that he loves me, and her. I can’t even say that I would be happy with him leaving her, b/c I know all to well what that feels like, and I have no respect for my children’s father for choosing to give up on his family, so I would not want him to do that to his children. I am so confused and realize that I can’t have any healthy relationship with anyone until I get my life together. I do love this man, but how do I back off before he leaves soon?

written by a wife, 24 April, 2009

I JUST WANT YOU OW TO KNOW THAT..WHEN THE MM COMES HOME, why do you automatically think its a pathetic life when he chooses to stay with his wife? I think you ow’s are very very pathetic, lonely and desperate...and pissed off when you realized you were nothing to MM.
Let me tell you about what my husband said about his ow....and this sums it up....."they are the type you F not marry!"
Whats really sad is you women that are married and doing this with married men....fools! Stay home and work on your own marriage..I wish I would have been there for my husband..but hey, I had enough sense not to mess around.

HAS ANYONE HERE EVER HEARD OF COMMON SENSE AND SELF CONTROL????

written by REALITY CHECK, 26 April, 2009

TO SAD PERSON.....iF HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, WHY IS HE STILL MARRIED?

written by Getting Over Him, 27 April, 2009

I am so happy to have read these messages. I have had an affair as well. The crazy thing is, I was raised knowing that adultery was a sin. Moreover, when things in my life would become tumultuous, I knew I was "reaping" because of my ongoing affair. I think of myself as pretty level-headed, but affairs will test you psychologically. And to answer one of the earlier questions, you cannot maintain friendship. Change your number, erase his/her number, and throw out all your gifts. Remember how strong you were before you met him/her? That person, YOU, have never left. Take a trip, and keep up your appearance. Your lover thinks you’re weak for them, thats why they come around. Prove them wrong!!!!!

written by Another broken hearted woman!, 27 April, 2009

Oh sad person, I do understand exactly what you’re feeling. I was apart from my love, not for six months, but for fifteen YEARS!!! We ran into each other last year and it was exactly the same intense, overwhelming feeling all over again!

But it almost always, in these situations, comes down to what I mentioned in an earlier post....one...or both, of the people involved are unable to take it to the next level. Those reason can be many, an unwillingness to hurt so many other people, to change so many lives in such a hurtful, negative way, just to have your happiness! And for some, it’s that the man simply is a ‘game player’ and has used us, or he’s even worse, what Arual described. It’s why so many of these relationships end so badly.

For me, I know who I should have been with, who I WANT to be with. But if we had stayed together all that time ago, I can’t help to wonder if what we feel would have been slowly destroyed by all the people we hurt so terribly.

Arual put it so very well, for the most part, we are good, decent women who have a huge capacity to love, unfortunately, we aren’t free to fall in love and have fallen in love with men who aren’t free either!

Fifteen years sad person, fifteen years and I love him as deeply, as passionately, as completely as I always have, and always will.....that is the heartbreaking truth of my life....and the absolute hopelessness of it! It’s what drove us apart years ago and will always drive us apart....he loves me, just not enough to change his entire life for me!!!!

written by 5 yrs the, 29 April, 2009

Ladies thank you so much for sharing your stories. This website is like a club of those of us who have ended an affair and have no one to tell and comfort us. Reading your stories has helped me so much dealing with my pain today.

I just broke off an affair with my married man on Friday after our last vacation together in Florida. I’ve spoken with him since but I told him we wouldn’t be seeing each other anymore as I need to move on. 5 years of my life had just disappeared and now 37 I have to know there’s a life for me with someone of my own.

We met 5 years ago on a business trip. We were both married and to be honest, I wasn’t looking to have an affair although my marriage was in shambles. I had been married for 5 years, no kids together and my husband was emotionally abusive. I was a hard time in my life but I didn’t discuss it with anyone. During our business trip MM and I spend about 12 hours a day working together and others. He is very handsome, friendly, charming, etc...and most of the ladies were smitten by him. I wasn’t at first but on the second day of the trip he did something that I won’t ever forget. He simply put his hand on my shoulder and asked for some candy I was eating. When he touched me, it was magic. From that point on I joined the club of admirers. I never gave him any obvious signals I was attracted to him until the last night of the trip. We went out with a group of people, drank, talked, laughed and then back to the hotel. I ended up walking back to his room with him, we talked for hours about our horrible marriages, the neglect we both were receiving from our spouses and the next thing I knew we were in the throws of passion. I didn’t think I would ever see MM again since he lived in Florida and I lived in Virginia. But the next week, he e-mailed me and that’s all it took for the affair to get started. We e-mailed and talked on the phone constantly. We got to know each other really well: our upbringing, families, kids, work, etc... I enjoyed everything about this new relationship. A few months into this long distance romance, we had the chance to meet in person again and I took it. My husband was suspicious but I didn’t care as I was on my way out of the marriage in my mind. When I returned from my trip with MM, my husband confronted me as he noticed I was acting differently for awhile. I denied his accusations, he continued to emotionally abuse me and in a few short months our marriage was over.

After the divorce, MM and I grew closer and closer. He never mentioned leaving his wife and kids nor did I ever wanted him too. We continued to rendezvous our affair any chance we got. That first year we took 6 trips together. Most of the time he’d be on business somewhere and I’d meet him there. Sometimes I’d fly to Florida and he would sneak out and meet me in my hotel. We always told each other how even though we knew what we were doing was wrong, it felt right being together.

I finally came to my senses early this year. I knew I would never be with MM forever, he had his own life and family. I am so in love with MM but know I need to let go. It hurts so bad right now as I’m not only losing my lover, but my best friend. I know a lot of you feel that way too. I just wish the pain I’m feeling goes away soon. I miss him.

written by husband cheated, 01 May, 2009

I had the best marriage. I would have done anything for my husband. We were always there for each other. I trusted him unconditionally. We were best friends for our 20 years together and have 3 beautiful children 4,6 and 12. I didn’t realize he was having an affair with someone I knew. She was always coming over my house it wasn’t until I realized the giggles and flirting that I got suspicious. He lied to me telling me nothing was going on over and over. She ended up telling me about the affair after her husband found out. ( She has 5 young children.) I was devastated. Yes I can understand a sexual attraction to another but he ws also telling her he loved her. She called to tell me she loved him. He professed his undying love to me and told me that she was the one who did the "stalking". He said he never wanted her. He tells me he doesn’t know why he did it. That the only thing in the world he wants is me and the children. It has been 1 yr now and we still live together but I am just going through the motions. He still can’t tell me why... He only says "I don’t know". I feel like if he can’t tell me why he is still lying to me. He has to know why.. There has to be a reason behind telling someone else you love here and having sex with her for that long. Even if it were jus for the pleasure or excitement. I am still devastated. Not only because he had sex with someone else but because the affair happened in front of my face and told her he loved her. Making it so much harder to forget. I am fighting to stay or go. Scared because I wonder how I would make ends meet and because my children cry when daddy has to go away for work. I am NOT happy anymore like I used to be. I hate him more than not. I feel like running but have nowhere to run to. He thinks I should just be able to forget it and move on. He wants everything to go back to the way it was before I found out. Like I should just forget about it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t get over it. It hurts. I feel like he is still lying ti me when he says he doesn’t know why he did it. The OW was 15 yrs younger and was fit and trim. I am 48 and avg though I look about 38 and still get many admirers. I miss the happiness and security I felt. Nothing feels the same anymore. I feel like someone flipped a switch in me and now I look at him as if he were an old friend. Someone who I could pass by and say Hi ,How are you doing? and just keep walking. Has anyone felt like this? Does it get any better... easier? Help!

written by Good Days Bad Days, 03 May, 2009

I am married. Over a year ago I had an affair with a married man. My affair was discovered by my husband, and ended abruptly. I was prepared to leave my husband for the other man, the other man asked me to wait for him because he was unsure if his wife would forgive him. I was not interested in being his mistress, or his second choice. I walked away, heartbroken, but determined to understand why I did what I did, and what I could do to redefine my marriage of 16 years to my husband, who was willing to forgive me and work on our marriage. I am lucky. I married a truly amazing man who understood what marriage, commitment and love is really about. I am also very lucky the man I had the affair with chose his wife and family over me.

Even though I recognize, what I felt for this other man was fleeting and based on fantasy, it does not ease the heartbreak and longing I felt and still, from time to time, feel for him. I love my husband. I am committed to my marriage and family. But, it has been extremely difficult for me to move past the feelings I had for this other man. It is a daily struggle, but, fortunately for me, I have a whole lot of love and support around me, and a greater desire to be with the generous, loving and understanding man I married, rather than chasing the fleeting high of an affair.

To those getting over affairs, hang in there, it is worth it.

written by Cyrena, 03 May, 2009

my story is a little different. Is the long suffering wife still innocent when she KNEW the man she married was a cheater? well maybe not always but definitely on her? Lets just say they dated and he left her for her own COUSIN..and another woman after that..then decided to marry him and think that adding children to the mix would fix it. Then he met and "fell in love" with me. NOT content with being T.O.W..I made my existence known for TWO long frustrating and painful years. Many confrontations, i was arrested twice for not keeping my mouth shut. The lying cheating scum turned everything I told his pumpkin headed wife into some sick twisted plot where I was obsessed with him Fatal Attraction style when in fact he perused me. time and again.No matter how many times he was cought. i didnt love him like I thought, i just hated her and felt I needed to beat her at all costs. She stayed and continues to stay. Shes an idiot, hes a lying cheating scum. I have a reputation as a home wrecker (but you can never wreck a happy home). Im not the first, I am not the last. I wasted years of time and energy which i’ll never get back. I can only move far away to start fresh and thats what I intend to do. I was the only one who lost here. She still has what she always had, a lying scum. Im still alone, hes still cheating.

for those considering an affair, DONT do it EVER.

written by Numb, 06 May, 2009

When I think about my current situation I go numb. I am in my early 20’s and I have been with the same man (in his 40’s) for 7 months now. I am so caught up it is not even funny. I am very disgusted with myself. I am stressing myself out all the time about the situation. I have always said that "women who sleep with someone who is married are pigs" Oink:: I was in a few relationships, I have been engaged. I have never felt this way before. I think about everything I went through with the other men and i wish that i met him first so i didnt waste my time.

i know what you married women are thinking, he has been married 20 years. "the other woman" is not at fault... and neither are you the bottom line is you husband is either a pig or unhappy either way you deserve better. i just wish i could tell myself that. i have to see his wife everyday and i do not know what to do or say. i want to hate her for the way she treats him i want to hate myself for putting up with it. i want to hate him for doing this to his wife and children...... i have NEVER HATED MYSELF SO MUCH

i bought him a cellphone so i could talk to him, he doesnt call anyone else. i cry when i see them together.... i cry when i think about losing him.... i cry when i wake up and when i go to bed... if i could pick any man in the world it would be him.... if i could have 100 billion dollars or him, i wold pick him.... it really sucks being the other woman

written by reality check, 06 May, 2009

Wow, you ow are living a fantasy world!
Say you two leave your spouses and get together...you dont think reality is going to hit the both of you and the true nature of your fantasy world will collapse??? I feel sorry for you both!

written by val21, 08 May, 2009

Simple reality of an affair is....the married people involved in affairs who feel the guilt and remorse and realize what they are doing is WRONG ,GO BACK TO THEIR FAMILies AND TRY TO FIX IT.

Then, again, there are the type that leave everything behind, and move on from woman/man to woman/man.....and who the hell wants one like THAT!

written by Sad and Regretful, 08 May, 2009

Thanks to all who have shared their stories. Break ups are painful, no matter what side you are on. I have been married for over 4 years and we have a beautiful child together. We never really connected well, from the beginning, but I for some reason chose to ignore this and married him anyway. A friend from the past who was always in love with me found me and we started to talk. After about 3 months of talking, I crossed the line with him. It was such a beautiful connection, that I had to tell my husband I needed a divorce because I had feelings for someone else, so we separated. I have been having this relationship with this friend of mine for almost 4 months and really fell in love with him. My husband has suffered tremendously, asking why I wouldn’t give him another chance, and to think of our child. Recently, my friend saw some pictures of my little family and told me he felt terrible, like he was coming between a beautiful family (even though it was me who pursued him). I was feeling kind of confused, so I took advantage of the conversation and told him we should take a break. He texted me saying he "loved me so much, he would be willing to get out of my path if my happiness depended on that". It is killing me that I am about to say goodbye to this man I love, but at the same time I feel like my family deserves a true shot at working through this. I am in so much pain right now, and so is my friend. I should have NEVER gotten involved with anyone while being married. Now everyone is hurt!

written by Wiser but Still Heartbroken, 09 May, 2009

Can anyone honestly say that even after they walked away, reflected, and learned a lesson that they ever got over the heartbreak of being involved in such a painful situation?

written by Fate accompli, 10 May, 2009

I’ve been involved w/ a MM for nearly 3 years. He is a cardiologist, who is 17 yrs older than me.

I was married too when things first started. Naturally, my husband found out, and my marriage promptly ended. It needed to end, as things were terrible and dysfunctional. I had stayed in the marriage thinking it was the best thing for my children. Only after have I learned how destructive it is for kids to live in that kind of environment. Thank god for good therapists!

The relationship w/ the MM was not supposed to be life altering for either of us. Neither of us ever intended to leave our marriages, but yet we had this incredible chemistry and draw to each other.

After the relationship came to light, I was emotionally devastated by the end of my marriage. I had married very young and the losses i experienced were practically indescribable. My whole world transformed.

I thought that as I was going through this, my MM would be there to support and help me through it. He was so incredibly freaked out though that he couldn’t handle it. This was another layer of loss, and he did break my heart.

We’re still involved today, and I’m in the final stages of divorce. He lives out of town, and I saw him this past week. I care very deeply for him, but sacrifice important bits of my self-esteem to maintain this relationship.

His marriage is fundamentally strong, and he does love his wife. I feel a strange sense of kinship with her as I know what a difficult man he is to love. He has said in the past, "I’ve got to be the only guy whose girlfriend defends his wife". Nice, right?

Anyway – here’s our current state of affairs: We communicate primarily through email. He will occasionally text, but it is mostly to tell me not to text b/c he will be with his family. We do not communicate verbally, except on very rare occasions. We see each other a few times a year. After each meeting, he goes into a tailspin of guilt and disconnects for a while. 6-8 wks later, he gets over it and starts communicating again. See what I mean about sacrificing my self-esteem? Who would put up with this??

So...I’m dating again, but have been unhappy with the results. I’m not sure that I will ever find anyone who thrills me the way that he does. But for the fact that he is married, the combination of characteristics that he possesses is everything that I want in a man.

He is far from perfect, and while I enjoy him tremendously, his role in my life is self-limiting. I will always love him as being involved with him changed my life.

I’ve got to rebuild life into something that I can be proud of. In the midst of all of this, I finished law school, passed a bar exam, was admitted to practice, and started a new career as a lawyer. My kids are ok. I am ok, and get stronger as time goes on.

As I woke up today, my first thoughts were of him. I also know that somewhere, he is with his wife and that he is feeling terrible about being with me this past week. I hate that being with me makes him feel this way. I hate that being with him makes me feel the way that I do: unworthy, disposable, easily manipulated.

So, we all know the answer...it has to end. Can I do it?? Time will tell.

I do think that he was meant to be a part of my life, and fulfilled a specific purpose. I need to be strong enough to recognize that the role he played is complete, and that I’m able to put it behind me.

written by Wiser, but Still Heartbroken, 10 May, 2009

Fate accompli: What do you mean by, "...his marriage is still fundamentally strong?" I mean, that makes no sense to me.

It is like me saying that my marriage is strong, but ________, I still was involved with another man. I do hope that you have the strength to end it.

I had hopes with my MM. After three years, I realized that it would never end, unless I ended it. If i thought that the affair was hard, well, let me just say, that pain was nothing compared to being without him.

But, yet, he was never going to leave, and I didn’t want to find my self 11 years down the road waiting...
waiting... waiting.

I got off the daily roller coaster ride, the annual merry go round ride, but yet, I still long for him and pine for him. What is that about? I do not want to go back to him; I will not go back as long as he is connected in any way to another.

What is it that makes these clandestine relationships so compelling? so compulsive? so crazy making? I thought I would never cross that line, and I did. Never say never, but I do know this, I will never get involved with a MM again. It took more out of me than anything else that I have ever known.

I hope that you heart, like I hope for mine, will heal.

written by Deep in the heart of Texas, 12 May, 2009

I have been involved with the same MM off-and-on for 30 years. Yes, you read that correctly – 30 YEARS. We have split up 3 times over this period of time – the most recent breakup was last week. I have nothing to add that has not already been written above. Except, that I do believe that there are some people who are supposed to be together and for whatever reasons never seem to get there. I am going to move on (again) – deal with the heartache and push forward. It is NOT easy! For me, however, I love this man and believe (for many reasons)that we are Twin Flame soulmates. I do not need or want anyone else – so, once again, I will move on.

Over the years he has always contacted me – regardless of how far away my work/life took me. Will he track me down again? Only time will tell. If not, I know that we will meet in another life and perhaps then we will be together.

written by arual, 13 May, 2009

In response "Wiser but Still Heartbroken": yes, you will get over the pain. A lot of it is simply a conscious decision to make the closure for yourself. I suggest finding self help books, talking to someone, using this message board. When you truly let go of the situation, you will be amazed how the incredible weight of it all just lifts off of your back.

In response to "Deep in the Heart of Texas" (hey I’m here too): I am a believer in the "Twin Souls" theory! I believe in having been with someone in a past life and hopefully being with them in the next. If you found that person, how incredible. Often we are simply with the wrong person, whether we’re married to them or having an affair with them. Cosmic energy will never keep two people apart! Good luck in whatever you decide to do in this situation!

This message board is really a blessing and I’m happy to have been referenced by some users so it’s showing that my experience is helping other people. And likewise, everyone else is helping me to grow tremendously through my experience!

written by Deep in the heart of Texas, 13 May, 2009

To Arual,

Yes, I know we are Twin Flames. There are just too many indicators. But, if you understand the theory you know that Twin Flames rarely stay together – yes, they keep being reunited – but, never for entire lifetimes.

written by broken woman, 14 May, 2009

Can anyone help me! I am 39 years old and have been involved in failed relationships my whole life.

When I find someone interested in me, I do all I can for him..only to be dumped within a month or 2.

The last guy, was married, he said very unhappily for a while, I was there for him, listened to him when he told me how he thought his wife was having an affair etc...I WAS THE ONE THERE FOR HIM!

We began a sexual relationship..hes a mess....I can tell he’s bothered..guilt thing...then I find out, his wife wants their marriage to work....he was eager to go back to her..its like she crooks her finger and hes right back there with her! I know she treats him like shit I saw her text messages when he was with me, I guess she figured out he was with someone...but she DIDNT CARE AT ALL! HE COULD HAVE LEFT HER THEN IF HE WANTED TO! SO THAT TELLS ME ALL I NEED TO KNOW RIGHT THERE.

I know hes not happy, he wants me....I tried texting him, calling him..no response. I just tried lately and his cell phone number is changed....he ignores all the emails I send him at work.....its like I never existed.

I feel so used again by someone. I would do anything for this man, anything!

Now, he’s living happily ever after and I’m alone.

written by Wiser, but Still Heartbroken, 15 May, 2009

To: Broken Woman

My MM wanted me too. My MM was so unhappy. My MM is still unhappy. When I met my MM, I was happy. I am now unhappy. He is still at home with the wife, who supposedly makes him miserable.

Since you asked for advice, I will offer it: Whatever it is in us, and the MM, we end up together. It may be for a while, it may be for an extended time. While there is tons of research out there, it still doesn’t explain definitively why we end up in relationships that are so painful.

What I have found, in trying to overcome the most brutal pain of abandonment, from my MM is this: I can only work on me. I cannot change him or the painful dynamic that he continues to return to night after night, month after month, year after year.

Work on finding you. Work on healing you. I do know this: Some women can walk away unscathed from a sexual relationship. I was not one of those women. Any future relationship will find me withholding sexual contact, early on. It is just too painful for me to go through. While our sex was great, the pain of him abandoning me and not following through on getting himself happy – hurt me. I am now just as unhappy as he.

Does that make sense?

written by broken woman, 17 May, 2009

Well, this is just getting worse for me...that wife tht makes him so unhappy, well, it seems hes buying her a new wedding ring and begging her to renew their vows.....I had to call a friend of his..who knew about us..hoping I would get good news of how unhappy he was......seems I was a pretty big fool.........THEY ARE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

written by finallystoodupformyself, 17 May, 2009

Another broken hearted woman.
Thank you for your words about the life boat. I am going to keep that as a visual, every time i cry myself to sleep wishing he was back in my arms....every time i have to hear his name or see his face from a distance, every time i turn down a date with anyone new because they never quite compare to him.....and every time i realize that i.....and all of us "other women" are the only ones really paying the price and suffering the consequences, whilst they are fine and dandy, tucked up at home, ACTING the part of faithful husband and father!!!
I just ended mine a week ago...... after a year and a half. I am in so much pain. Thank god i found this site!!! Lots of love to you all. x

written by finallystoodupformyself, 17 May, 2009

dear fate acompli......
The time will come when something snaps inside you and you just wont be able to tolerate the situation any longer. It happened for me....completely out of the blue!!!
No one can tell you to end it, and you cant force the decision until you, and only YOU suddenly feel that there is no other option! xx

written by On the FLIPSIDE, 17 May, 2009

Well "sleezy/easy women".. little do the people know that call you these things are the ones responsible for their husbands cheating. I am 40 years old. When I was 21 I met a 40 year old man that swept me off my feet. He was married with 3 children but, this week we will be celebrating out 19th wedding anniversary. We have had a very healthy loving relationship.. GIRLS, YOU ARE NOT EASY OR SLEEZY...FOLLOW YOUR HEART..... THERE IS A LOT TO BE SAID FOR WOMEN LIKE US... THE "HOME WRECKERS". WE DID NOT RUIN THEIR MARRIAGES!!! GENERALLY THEY WERE OVER BEFORE WE EVER MEET. FORGET THEM FOLLOW YOUR HEART... AND DO NOT FORGET MAKE THEM WORK FOR IT... NO ONE WANTS THE COW IF THEN CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE...

written by new me, 18 May, 2009

I can’t say enough about this website. It was faith I reckon that brought me here. Just like everyone else I thought I was in this fab love affair only to be found in books. But with reading all your comments and to find all these bright and beautiful women been sucked in by these men breaks my heart. It makes me feel so stupid and used. I nearly lost my life over this affair and am trying very hard to get my marraige back to normal or what ever that may be. Is it possible to fall in love again with the man you married or will you always be comparing????? If anything I have learnt to try and get more independent and find a new me one that is stronger and capable of making myself happy rather than waiting for somebody else to do that for me. Some days I am weak and in a very dark place but reading your comments gets me through. It is nearly 6months since our break up which can to an abrupt ending when my husband contacted the MM wife to inform her of the affair. I have not heard from him since. Our affair was for over a year and was getting more intense, and to end like this is cruel. I don’t understand how somebody could act and say how much they love you and then NOTHING.

written by happyagain, 19 May, 2009

ITS SIMPLE, BECAUSE THEY DONT LOVE YOU!

An affair is based on lies and deception..you both used each other to "escape" from reality and you formed a fantasy world in your mind that he truly cared. HE DID NOT.

When the reality hit, he went to his true , real life, love, his wife..the woman he decided to marry years ago..

You can fall back in love with your husband, remember the good reasons you married him....I had a similar situation..I was infatuated with another man...my husband had a fling during this period....it was a wake up call for both of us...Now, our marriage is stronger than ever. Hang in there....affairs are never good...

Dont listen to flipside and follow your heart, that will get you in trouble mistakes...I cant believe she would encourage that!

I wonder if there was a female after her husband , if she would encourage her to follow her heart? Well, I guess you wouldnt have that to worry about, hes just lucky he has a 40 year old now!!!LOL! And then to boast how he left his wife and 3 children for her and they are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary, well congratulations! Sounds like you both are stand up people!!! A man that deserts his family for a 20 something piece of ass..and a 20 something who is a homewrecker! How can you think you’re nothing else but a homewrecker, easy and sleazy!

New me, start over with your husband. Be happy.

written by sxs, 19 May, 2009

wow wow wow...
i can totally identify with so many comments on this website...
especially the part about meeting a man at work, having lots in common and seeing each other everyday.
how predictable does this all sound??

my (4 month) situation began when the older (and high up) man at my work started wooing me with emails, and when i politely responded, often in a neutral way, they kept coming. eventually i realized i had feelings for him, but it was nothing really much more than flirtations. 2 weeks into this whole thing, i told him he was being untruthful and to bring it to the table with his wife, as it was unfair to her. i heard all the old excuses (well not old since this has never happened in my life before)...’i am unhappy, i have needs, my wife just wants to sit at home, for 10 yrs our relationship was over, we dont do it, my daughter’s all grown up’ etc etc...i said u need to address your issues and stop using me as an emotional outlet...(yet i still couldnt stop reciprocating in the emails.)

his wife and him started fighting and he’d call me to confide with me about his marriage. i am about half his age, making it difficult for me to comment on his situation. i just kept telling him to be truthful.

finally one night we met up, started talking and kissed.

what a mistake. i felt a rush at the time, but only worse afterwards. now he seems intent on ‘taking my advice’ and making his marriage work. i said to him, you lie to your wife, you lie to me, and i dont need liars in my life.

it feels like it’s over...the emotional distance has set in. it makes me feel horrible. and his wife must feel worse.

and now for you to all judge me...i am in an open relationship, so i am used to dealing with jealousies, pain etc...but i talk very honestly with my partner thru every stage of my involvement with anyone (as he does with me)...i just was very surprised to meet someone who wouldnt be blatantly honest...and again put the same effort towards his fam as he would in emailing/flirting

but you all are right...this is a very no win situation.
a very depressing thing.
oh ya, as a final note, i aint short of brain cells either...a scholarship winning chick with a grad degree. and this is the shit i get into let the reprimanding begin

written by laughing, 19 May, 2009

To flipside, I bet his wife is truly the lucky one in all this....youre stuck with a 60 year old and youre 40???? In 10 years, you’ll be buying diapers for that cheater!

All I can say is, I bet YOU ARE RIGHT , their marriage was over before you stepped in, Im sure she figured out a long time ago hes a JACKASS!..Im sure his wife was glad to get rid of him! I bet she has a better man in her life, MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN HE COULD EVER DREAM TO BE..you’re just lucky hes 60 and cant chase younger women!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

written by Wiser, Still Heartbroken, 19 May, 2009

Well, judgment of anyone, certainly doesn’t assist in healing one’s heart or one’s spirit. Nor does it help people to understand how they went down this path in the first place.

From my experiences, I was involved with a MM; I was also a woman who had been cheated on. Did I think that I would ever do the same? No, I did not. Did I think that I would have the insight, the foresight, the where-with-all to address issues in my relationships before I would get involved with a third party? Yes, Yes, and Yes.

Did that happen? No. The A didn’t just happen; it was a choice, and one that I accept total responsibility for. That said, there was a MM who came to me. This man pursued me, relentlessly. This man assured me that he was already out of the door. Was he? No.

Should the woman be the one to have to carry the burden here? In my case, no, I should not have to carry this alone. Because I made a really bad choice, does that make me just a piece of ass?

Who is anyone to judge?

As for the woman who suggests that we follow our dreams – does that make her any less of a decent person than you that judge? Please, get over the moral righteousness. There are plenty of other blogs out there where you can pontificate, judge, and attempt to demoralize others. Go there. This post is not for you.

written by laughing, 20 May, 2009

I have to ask.....DID ANY ONE INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR EVER HEAR OF SELF CONTROL? how about....DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU???

I realize everyone involved in affairs is to blame! Except in rare cases when you’re just married to a cheater....and thats a fact of life.

I give credit to the women who do have enough sense to tell a man who is married to "go to hell" like I have on many many occasssions when I was single.
I dont believe you listen to their sob stories..about their wife..Most of you ow on this site are quick to blame the wife for everything and you all think you’re so much better! (The reality of the situation is..usually the wife is done with their lame asses and really dont care if you pick them up and fall for their stupidity! )

My husbands fling did too, she thought she was all that.....she was just a woman who was available to him when he thought he lost me....she was used and she FELL IN LOVE...PATHETIC! She couldnt see that situation for what it was worth, nothing! Someone to talk to when he was feeling low, someone who wanted him , when I didnt... as soon as my husband realized we could have a second chance, he came home....RUNNING HOME!

On occasion you ow win the prize, the cheater...but dont fool yourself....that wife is laughing and just waiting till you see the side she saw..and couldnt wait to get rid of...and then the real justification will come..when he does the same to you!!!!!!!!!!!

How about getting a real life...yes there are some people who should not be together and why they married..who knows! I would be a little bit leary of a man who tells you he doesnt love his wife and his marriage is over and hes not divorced or taking the steps....he’s feeding you a line to get only one thing...and a desperate needy woman is the one he will get it from....FACT OF LIFE!
AND YOU ARE RIGHT, THIS SITE IS NOT FOR ME, BECAUSE YOU ARE MOSTLY ALL PATHETIC WOMEN WHO GET YOURSELVES IN LOSER SITUATIONS LOOKING FOR ENCOURAGEMENT FROM OTHER LOSER WOMEN...GO AHEAD, CRY ON EACH OTHERS SHOULDERS....IM LAUGHING....

written by alm, 20 May, 2009

So sxs..you bought into his line, unhappy for 10 years , marriage is over....that has to be in the mm cheater handbook!..he wanted you in bed, thats all....of course his wife started fighting with him, you think we cant tell when our husbands are up to something..of course the fight erupts..we are not stupid..they provoke the fight to justify the very nasty thing they are going to do to us, behind our backs with you.....then, when they get your sex...they get the old guilt complex...and realize who they love and who they want to be with....!!!obviously you do not have the physical and emotional connection with our husbands that we do...ladies, stop being used....I cant believe it!

and still heartbroken regarding your comment......you ladies demoralize yourselves with your actions...words cant demoralize you.

There are a lot of poor choices made in life....lessons learned I guess.....hopefully!

written by blackjack, 20 May, 2009

TO ALL OW’S...YES YOURE DARN RIGHT WE WIVES MAKE OUR MEN CHEAT!
A wife always challenges her husband to be a better man...sometimes, they cant handle that challenge and fail....thats when you find them at the low point in their lives.....Dont flatter yourselves..your used. thats all.

written by Janet E. Brown, 21 May, 2009

To the wives who are constantly posting on this page, you are on the wrong site to vent your anger. This page is for those Other Women who are healing from an A with a MM. I am sure there are other sites where you can vent your anger, resentments and frustrations regarding your H’s cheating ways. Perhaps you should do it in marriage counseling, or better yet, directly to your husbands.
Remember there are two victims in an A, the OW and the W. The husbands are generally the predators. We, the OW, are hurting, too.
Therefore, go back to your glass houses and find another site to express your anger.

written by sxs, 21 May, 2009

alm...oh dear, i did not ‘buy into’ anything--nothing happened between us (the sex you were referring to)!
firstly, i would never leave my partner, and ensured the man not to leave his...that’s not what i want...i don’t want to go to ‘another level’ i don’t want to blatantly disrespect his own relationship. the difference between my situation and others here (though i acknowledge the similarities 100%) is that im in an open relationship. i acknowledge he is not in an open one....i just told him ‘please come to terms with your own issues before trying to get involved with someone’ --and it’s not so much me, i know the hurt/love/pain/attachment that is involved with any relationship, but his wife is out of the loop and that’s not fair. im not trying to be self righteous, and i certainly do NOT think i’m better than her...in fact its not my place, it’s HIS relationship...does that clarify anything?

written by Wiser, 22 May, 2009

Laughing: Are you laughing because your husband had an affair? I’m not sure I understand what it is that you are laughing about. You are laughing because you are out of the marriage, in the marriage, or you are laughing because you suffered no pain and heartache when your husband chose to have an affair with another woman?

What is it that there is to laugh about? You were unscathed? Your husband was unscathed? You have a serial cheater for a husband, but yet because you know it and you chose to stay with him, you win somehow? Your husband’s affair was a one time thing, and you’ve forgiven him, is that what you are laughing about?

Just what exactly is there to laugh about when a marriage has been through an affair? How is it that I should be leary of such a man when you are married to one? Is that something to laugh about?

written by Gathering Courage, 22 May, 2009

Can any of you recommend books or helpful sites on the internet that you have found that address how to cope with the emotions when you’re ending the relationship and the heartbreak that will follow?

written by Wiser, 23 May, 2009

There are several books that I have found helpful
Don’t Call that Man; The Commitment Cure; Women Who Love Too Much; Breaking Betrayal Bonds; Men Who Can’t Love; He’s Scared, She’s Scared; How to Heal a Broken Heart in Thirty Days.

A lot of reading, to be sure, but I have found that by focusing there, my heart has begun to heal. That said, my heart is still not healed.

I don’t feel that I will ever be the same as I was before. This has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. Each of the books has helped me to discover, to a degree, how it is that I found myself in this situation in the first place. I could have never seen it coming.

Anyway, each book has helped. What was most interesting to me, is that most of them, continually reinforce the concept of NC and that NC means NC.

written by STUPID HUSBAND, 23 May, 2009

I will speak from my own experience. I cheated on my wife...I thought she was having an affair and I went to the bar...women are not held back by a wedding ring. I was hit on constantly.

I made a very bad choice. Slept with one...she stalked me for a month. I tried telling her over and over it was only a one night thing and she was the one who said it wouldnt go anywhere and I believed her.

I learned my lesson.
Fatal attraction....that movie was my life.

written by laughing, 23 May, 2009

Wiser,....My marriage was far from perfect, I was far from perfect, my husband was far from perfect.

People who believe they lost it all....make poor decisions.....we both did. I had an emotional affair, my husband had a sexual affair...she was told up front, he was having marriage problems, our marriage was over...and she offered him a relationship with no strings attached...as soon as my husband realized..we could have another chance...he came back...(he met her in June..a lot of texting and talking on the phone... end of July it became sexual.
I still lived with him at home..but did not care about him at all or what he was doing...By the grace of God, he was turned around and decided to fight for our marriage...he could have left to be with her at anytime...but he did not, he wanted me back..and we reconciled....this ate her up...she thought he was leaving me for her......

Then, she started to harass him...by threatening him to call me if he didnt see her...he was so afraid of losing me if he told me, he became ill.....she did all she could to "steal him" -her words, not mine...away from me...to offering him sex with multiple women, well, you name it....shes too perverted for me....and he did not go.

I know there are some men that prey on woman..married men, whos wives are damn good and dont deserve it. Mine is not a man like that or a serial cheater.

I wish I would have appreciated my husband more. I am blessed tht our love is strong enough to get us through and it is....

I am laughing...I am laughing at the fool I ws, the fool he was and the many fools out there, that dont realize what they have till they almost lose it...I’m proud to say, I can laugh at my mistakes.

written by gratefulwife, 24 May, 2009

I have read all the posts in this area, I can see where things can get nasty.

All I want to say is...as a wife...I know what I did to make my marriage fail...I know what I was doing wrong in my marriage and I know what my husband was doing wrong (its never one sided, fyi!)....that does not excuse either party from an affair of any type.

In my case...my husbands affair opened up his eyes to really appreciate the woman I am..for all my faults...and his affair opened up my eyes...to appreciate him with all his faults.

When two people truly belong together, they can get through whatever turmoil comes their way....with deep love comes forgiveness and understanding...not many marriages have that and they are usually the marriages that fail in which one party leaves the cheating spouse or the cheating spouse leaves......those are marriages that are weak.

As humans, we can all make mistakes...and when you are at a low point in your life...it is very easy to make the WRONG decision..very few of us...will look ahead and realize what the consequences of our actions will be.....

I am grateful to the OW in my husbands life, because she showed him....exactly what he did not want to be..
.
THE OW GAVE ME THE GREATEST GIFT...a marriage that has reached a new level of love, commitment and understanding....

Because never will we allow ourselves to be at that low point in our lives again!

written by quest, 25 May, 2009

Gathering courage....

Coming Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma, books are so full of good information and helpful for recovery.

written by Wiser, 25 May, 2009

What I am going to write may sound sarcastic, but it is not intended to be so. I wonder, in deference to the wives who have posted about the OW’s lack of morals, lack of character, etc...

I wonder, do you feel the same about your husbands?

I mean, woman to woman, why would either of us want a man who cannot commit?

Truly wondering...

Did I think that I would end up with some prize of a man, or was I thinking and believing that they were all but divorced? I mean, how would I have known? I certainly didn’t want to be invovlved with a man who didn’t know what he wanted, and I certainly wasn’t going to inform his wife, once I figured out the truth, but...

How would either of us know what is really going on inside of that man’s head, and how would we as "sisters" – how could we better support one another so that this type of situation doesn’t happen on such a frequent basis?

written by Crushed Cop, 26 May, 2009

I never told my wife about the affair. My OW was the most perfect woman for me on this earth. I couldn’t leave because I am a daddy, but my OW convinced me that she would be there for me if I felt the time was right to leave. When the time was right I told my OW I was going to have "the talk", my OW felt so much guilt over wrecking my marriage that she has dumped me and will not return my calls...im sure for the sake of my kids. I haven’t slept in a week and I cant eat a thing. I feel guilt about cheating and I feel deep depression over losing an INTENSE love.

I told my wife we have problems and we need counseling and I am going back with a re-newed hope that we can work it out. But I am absolutely devastated.

My OW pulverized my heart...and I deserve it.

written by ACHEATINGCOPSWIFE2, 26 May, 2009

Crushed cop,
I hope you have the guts to tell your wife you are in love with another woman...so she can decide if SHE WANTS YOU...
So, if this OW would want you, you would have just up and left your family for her???? You think you are a quality man?
DO YOUR WIFE A FAVOR AND JUST DIVORCE HER! SHE is too GOOD for YOU!
Let her go and find a good decent man that will cherish her and your children, since you didnt seem to care too much when you had the other woman in your life!

Now, shes good enough for you???...MEN LIKE YOU MAKE ME ILL!

written by GUEST422, 26 May, 2009

no doubt about it...anyone who cheats and the person who cheats with them, has no morals and lack of character....SIMPLE.
Its one thing if you dont know...but when you find out, the decent person, gets out....if you dont....well, you are no better than the cheater...if you think because you are the single party therefore innocent...you are mistaken...you are trash like the cheater..same level!

Please, dont come off like its always the husbands here..all too many of you are just too eager and willing to sleep with any man married doesnt matter!!

I just wonder what is wrong with you single ladies doing this with married men...why you cant find a single man?....obviously, they dont want you for a reason, so you have to try and snag a man thats not happy, then he lays with the oW......then you get burned..because in most cases, he doesnt want you either

written by Lisa2009, 26 May, 2009

I too met my MM through work. We became very close friends over the last 2 years, having drinks together several evenings a week, going out dancing, and have shared secrets & dreams. It began as a very strong emotional affair with a strong physical attraction/chemistry as well. I become very close to all of his friends & family, including his wife of 12 years who works with us on occasion. They met when he was working out of state; she became pregnant, & he married her so he could move back home with his child. She is 11 years older than him & confided in me that they’ve always had a terrible marriage & that she is still in love with her ex who she had been engaged to before. She admitted that she only married him because he is a doctor and her ex wasn’t stable in his career.

One evening we were out, he told me that I turn him on and told me what he would love to do to me. I told him he was married & I would never do that. He was very persistent. I tried to resist him for several weeks until one night we ended up kissing passionately & slept together. It was amazing; however, I felt terrible & couldn’t tell anyone.

The past 4 months since the affair began have been the best/worst 4 months of my life. He will call me just to tell me I’m beautiful. He is very affectionate, passionate, & gentle. I have never felt so special, desired & attractive, yet miserable and devastated in my life. It KILLS ME when he leaves at night for home to get in bed/wake up next to her! I am falling head over heels in love with him and I can tell he is too. We have so much in common & have so much fun together.

I know from reading these posts that I need to end it. If I do, I will have to see him at work every day. This whole thing is consuming me. I am attractive, confident, & and well educated...how could I let myself get into this situation? It is killing me!

written by weepingwillow, 26 May, 2009

To laughing – I just wanted to thank you for your most recent post. I too was wondering what you were laughing about, and not seeing the humor. I am really happy for you that things worked out for the best! I TRULY am. As an OW, we are not here (or MOST of us arent) to break the hearts of the wives. That is SO not me. I look at her, and want to cry for the things that I have done to her. The affair she had, and the things that she did to MM, were between them. Somewhere along the way, I got sucked in. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel for her.

Anyway, my MM and I separated several months ago b/c he moved on w/ another OW. The thing is, we have family and mutual friends in common, so we are constantly in each other’s faces. I was doing really well letting it go. I was seeing the other side of things, and feeling guilt for the wife, pain of losing him etc. The other night, at a party, we ended up drunk, in bed together. For the first time in 6 months. I have SO MANY mixed feelings now. Hurt, confusion, sadness, pain, guilt, and most of all, USED! I KNOW I was used. No matter how many times he told me he loved he, I know now the truth. The point I am trying to make, REALITY CHECK, is that we do not go into something like this trying to find our knight in shining amour! Having an affair scars, and taints your life forever. Many of us will NEVER come back from this. It’s such a low, that their aren’t words to describe it. So call us all the names you want, do whatever it takes to ease YOUR pain, but realize that OWs, in essence, truly lose part of their soul, b/c of an affair. And more often then not, WE DON’T PLAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!

written by weepingwillow, 26 May, 2009

to crushed cop – trust me, her heart is pulverized too. I know it’s cliche, but "when you love something, set it free.." She loves you enough to know that your kids need you more then she does. Just goes to show that she is a selfless person.

written by weepingwillow, 26 May, 2009

I too feel that my punishment for having an affair w/ a married man, is this gut wrenching pain. I was raised catholic, and it is against EVERYTHING I believe in. We are being punished for our sins, wives. Trust me, the pain is almost physically unbearable

written by Wiser, 26 May, 2009

Crushed Cop: I feel for you, I really do. Your commentary makes me realize that not all MMs are assclowns who are emotionally unavailable. A lesson learned. I have to be careful though, I don’t want to lead myself down the path thinking that my xMM is mourning the loss of me.

What I do hope for and pray for, is that both he and I get our "act" together, and figure out what it is that each of us really wants; I wish that my mother had followed her heart rather than what her religion and her mother expected of her.

I really think, at the end of the day, children or no children, fear or no fear, if "one" is not happy, if one is "unfulfilled", then one needs to address the real issues.

I grew up in a home – felt loved, etc – but, I grew up in a home where I was convinced, and remain convinced, that my parents would have been better off not being in a relationship that I had to observe. They bickered constantly, and after 54 years of marriage, still do. Did they love one another at one time? I’m sure they did. Do they still? I’m sure in some way they are connected, if only because they are comfortable with the mutual antagonism.

All of that said, I remain convinced that had my mother married the man she wanted to marry, rather than the man that she thought she could make my father... I’m sure that we would have all been better off. I had no role modeling as to what a loving relationship should look like. My parents were monogamous. This I know. My dad had a mistress – his work. But, I’m thinking that for the sake of his children, etc. he chose to stay. And for the sake of his children, he spent as much time away from our home as he could. The nagging, from my mother, entitles him to sainthood. Anyway...

I will maintain that their staying together for the sake of the family had no more of a positive effect on me and my brother than did my friend’s parents who divorced. We are who we are. Are we in love, or are we addicted to some "ideal" of what we think we are supposed to do?

Again, a lot of rhetoric, on my part. But, I would like to see the study that can definitively say that staying together for the sake of the kids makes it the right thing to do. Again, not the biased studies, but the disaggregated study. Another study that I would like to see carried out: the study that chronicles the tale that I told of my own growing up.

written by Crushed Cop, 27 May, 2009

Weeping Willow and Wiser:

Thank you so much for your words. The worst part is that I will never get closure on this because we both know that we absolutely have to cut all ties. I think about her constantly, and as a coping mechanism I have begun to try to replace her face with that of my young children in my mind...because it is for them that I must stay, and it is for them that my OW left.

My wife and I are going to our first counseling session. I know that I must suck it up and be positive about this...but my depression, guilt and sense of loss overwhelm me at times. Its hard to go out and deal with other people’s problems when behind my vest i am so consumed with my own.

CHEATINGCOPSWIFE:

I was never out planning for this to happen. It just did. It was my first and only affair during our ten years. I know that I deserve this and i firmly believe that destiny has now served me. I get it. I just need a place to let some of this out to ease my pain. I dont want sympathy and I know i am wrong...I just fell in love with another woman, and lost her in a moments time because her of her own pain...and i know in my heart that she is such a kind and loving woman that she is gone for good. I am just crushed. It is now time to put the pieces back together for the sake of my little ones. I pray that your pain from your cheating husband will ease... like i pray that over time mine will also.

written by laughing, 27 May, 2009

Thanks weepingwillow,

Life is challenging....I know how things can happen that no one means for it to happen.
I only ask...think of the consequences....we all know the difference between right and wrong.

Do not follow your heart...always lead with your head...I believe that route, will make us all better people.

I wish all of you luck, that you can get your lives back on track and finding a meaningful loving relationship with someone deserving of you.

written by weepingwillow, 27 May, 2009

so I just can’t seem to HELP myself...My MM is coming over tonight for dinner for the first time in about 6 months. We have split up months ago, but in the past 2 weeks, we have been in constant contact. We spoke 3 times yesterday, and made plans to have dinner at my place tonight. I realize I am stupid, weak, pathetic, but in all honesty, the thought of being in his arms excites me to no end! I feel like a child on Christmas Eve. I can’t wait to see his face, look into his eyes, and be in that place that no one has ever taken me. Just laying next to him, is a feeling that I can’t explain. I know that my actions are going to end up biting me in the a$$, but I truly can’t help myself. I feel like this man is an addiction, and no matter what I do, I can’t shake it. I hate myself for being so weak to him

written by cheatingcopswife2, 27 May, 2009

What bothers me about you is.....YOU would have LEFT YOUR WIFE HIGH AND DRY WITH YOUR KIDS IF THE OW WANTED YOU!
Now you are hurting, because she got a conscience and did the smart thing and you are alone.You want your wife to fix your broken heart!
IS YOUR HEART WHERE IT WANTS TO BE?????

I am afraid you will only go through the motions with your wife to try and fix your marriage and if the OW would call you up, you would toss your family aside for her.
If you go to counseling, you will find, that a man with an emotional connection to another woman, is far far more damaging than a man who just had sex.

It would kill me if my husband gave his heart to another woman , like you did. He only had sex with OW and it was over faster than it began! But none the less..the hurt is there..especially, when I had the same Opp with OM and did not act upon it, because I decided, I wanted my husband and my marriage and he was weak and had sex...!!It takes two to make a marriage fail and it takes 2 to make a marriage work!

I hope this is something you really want to do! Be honest with your wife and if you dont love her, let her go to find someone who will, because you know, she will.

I am sorry if I came down hard on you...I pray you find your way and all of you are happy in your family..it will take lots of love, patience and understanding...and ultimately, forgiveness.

ARE YOU TRULY GOING TO COMMIT YOURSELF TO THIS CHALLENGE???

written by cheatingcopswife2, 27 May, 2009

A few more things..crushed....

Be ready for the heartbreak, the anxiety, the nightmares..the 300am fights...the dirty looks from friends and family, her constant tears..her insecurity..her depression..her lack of self confidence AND self esteem....

ALL THIS WILL HAPPEN WHEN SHE FINDS OUT...WILL YOU BE THERE FOR HER?

I know how I felt...and I suspected at one time and thought I DIDNT CARE!....If she thinks life with you was all roses....when you hit her with this....YOU WILL HAVE YOUR HANDS FULL!

written by Turn Your Back, 27 May, 2009

I also was involved with a married man for almost three years. I never asked him to leave his wife and was just happy with the time we had together. Prior to meeting him I had just gotten out of a 20 year marriage that did not end because of another person, I realized I was very unhappy and decided to end it. I never thought I would ever be involved with a married man, but the emotional connection was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. To make a long story short, I caught him with yet "another woman" yes a third and I ended the relationship. Even though I caught him with her he denied any wrong doing and got mad at me. When I saw this "self defense" mode it made me realize what he has been doing to his wife for years, getting mad at her when he is caught in a lie. His wife had caught him cheating before with someone else but decided to stay with him so he now feels he can do what he wants and she will forgive him for it, I’m not as forgiving as she is. It has been a few months, and the distance and lack of contact has helped me see things differently. I now believe that I helped him to survive in the unhappy marriage by giving him the attention and emotional support he was missing rather than making him man up and deal with the problems at home, that was a big mistake. I now realize how weak and selfish a married man who cheats really is. Rather than taking responsibility for the marriage being unhappy he will seek outside sources to make his life easier. I’m not taking any responsibility away from myself, it was wrong and never should have happened, but I did love him and I thought that made it alright. Anyway, the best advice I can give anyone thinking about having an affair or already in one, turn your back for good and leave. Once you take a step back you will see how manipulating the man was and how miserable you would be if you ended up with him. You will also realize that the connection felt so stong because you couldn’t tell anyone about it, so he becomes your sole source of support and that makes the emotional ties feel that much stronger, and the secrets some how intensify the bond. Someone else posted the comment, "nothing good can come from something that is built on a lie" and that is exactly true. Take it from someone who has been there and at one time never would have thought I’d be saying this, but being involved with a married man is one of the worst mistakes a female can make. The break up is never good and you will end up hating yourself as well as him, so please, please, get out before it is too late and never look back.

written by finallystoodupformyself, 31 May, 2009

Please can somebody send me some wise words to stop me from calling the MM i broke up with a month ago!!!
It’s always at this point that i go back to him when i have tried before...it’s the pain barrier i suppose , but i just cant seem to break through it. I have an actual physical pain in my gut at the thought that i will never be in his arms again. I now know what "gut wrenching" actually means.
Life just seems so very grey and unextraordinary without him. I am so scared i will never feel this way again that i just want to run back to him. Please help?

written by finallystoodupformyself, 31 May, 2009

PS: Thank GOD for this site!!!

written by weepingwillow, 01 June, 2009

FINALLYSTOODUPFORMYSELF!!! PLEASE don’t do it! I know it sounds insane, but these MM are like an addiction that is practically impossible to break. If you have already made it one month, DON’T GO BACK!!!! Give yourself a goal. Don’t look at it so long-term "I’m never ever gonna see him or talk to him again." Don’t do that to yourself, b/c then you WILL break down and call. Just tell yourself, "Ok, maybe i’ll give it one more week, and then call." And once the week is up, do the same thing again. Once you get over the hump, it will get a LITTLE easier. Only time heals. Do NOT give in! You won’t be doing yourself a favor. You will ONLY be doing yourself a disservice. Please be strong!

written by arual, 01 June, 2009

Are there ever scenarios of MW & MM? It seems like the single woman is always the mistress and rarely a single man being a married woman’s lover. Just wondering if anyone on the board has been in the other equations besides SW & MM and how those scenarios panned out.

written by cheatingcopswife2, 01 June, 2009

Put yourself first....you don’t want a man like him to begin with, honestly, right?

Go out, meet new people, he will be history in a split second....he doesnt deserve his wife, let alone you!

written by stillhiswife, 01 June, 2009

I am posting on this site hoping my husbands fling is on here trying to heal her broken heart....

I just want you to know, that you did me, the biggest favor ever! You showed my husband what it was like to have a woman who is self centered, selfish , desperate and easy!

You were used for sex only, girlfriend, did you know all those times he said he couldnt come and see you and that he couldnt get away, he lied? Did you know, you could have had him at any time this past summer??? I was done with him.....he was all yours...if he wanted to leave, he could have!
Do you really think, that if I cared, I wouldn’t have caught you??? Oh, I would have caught you , if I cared..believe me...you wouldnt have had to make your pathetic calls to me...hoping, I would kick his ass out and he would come running to you!!..He wouldnt come to you if you were the last person on EARTH!

You really had no idea what you were up against...Did you really believe I was all that he told you???? A man, who thinks he lost it all....will say anything to get the love and attention he just lost...he was crushed..your timing was perfect!

You probably didnt even realize, he had to drink, just to get through the time with you, heavily because you were drunk half the time too lol , what a turn on!!..and to top it off...when you called me to tell me, "he couldnt get enough of me" did you even realize..he didnt have a orgasm the first time...so yes, he was able to do it again with you....5 min later.....LOL!...Believe this though, he did get enough of you..thats why, he left you high and dry and your one overnighter , WAS YOUR LAST!...HE decided to fight for me to come back into his life.....but you couldnt take the fact I was more to him than you could ever be.....you didnt realize who you were up against.....(by the way, I had a 10lb baby and my belly doesnt have one stretch mark on it , yours has a ton and is ABOUT 4 TIMES BIGGER THAN MINE IS!! You really SHOULD GET RID OF THAT TANKINI!.hideous!

What he calls you now, and how he talks about you....has to be worse than what he could ever say about me! See, it works both ways.....he wants me now and he’s bashing you........did you honestly think, after having sex with him 2 times, he would run off with you...LOL and then, to fight with him, the first night you spend with him, because hes NOT COMING TO LIVE WITH YOU??? How desperate are you? 39 years old, never married, no children...what a life you must lead...but its no wonder..I bet every man that uses you...runs like hell...thats all you are good for!

All that bragging you do about yourself constantly being hit on in bars...are you kidding me....guys will hit on the girl thats a "sure thing"...easy....they will ask average or below average before a beautiful woman..beautiful smart women, intimidate men! Do you really think he was impressed by you in any way shape or form?????
No , he was not. AGAIN, HE NEEDED SOMEONE, YOU WERE EASY!

Go back to your sorry life and leave my husband alone! No need to offer up spicy sex.....you havent got a clue....obviously! you wrent hot and sex was not spicy!...or he would be there with you....NOW ON THE OTHER HAND....our life in every way is totally AWESOME AND SPICY! THANKS AGAIN

written by Wiser, 01 June, 2009

finallystoodupformyself: No Contact. And, that really means, No Contact. No nothing. No listening to his VM just to hear his voice, no looking at photos, no googling him. No nothing.

Yes, it is painful. In fact, it was one of the most painful things that I ever did. But, I can say, that it is the only thing that will work. If you don’t do it, you will never get out. You will drag on the inevitable – the back and forthing – that makes these relationships so compelling and so addicting.

You have to be strong and you have to stick to it. When I first started NC, I sat and watched the clock tick by minute by minute. I don’t even think about it anymore.

Well, I do in the sense that I have gone eight months without talking to him, and we work in the same building. The NC did not stop my heart from hurting, but the NC, once I got past 60 days then became a sort of challenge. I was not going to be the one to break it. In my case, neither did he.

At least I now know that he would have never ever ever ever left his marriage. I had to save me.

Hope this helps.

written by Sad and Regretful, 01 June, 2009

Well, my last post was almost a month ago. I tried to go back to my husband and work it out for my child’s sake... didn’t work. I was feeling the same loss that "Crushed Cop" has been dealing with. I went on a vacation with my husband to try and reconcile, but couldn’t bare the intimate moments with him anymore. Even though "Cheating Cop’s Wife" is full of BS and doesn’t belong on this website, she does have a good point in that anyone who has an emotional connection with another person, is probably not going to be able to work things out with their spouse.
Since the vacation, I made the final decision to proceed with the divorce and go back to my OM, who is the person I am in love with. The world was against me... but they are getting over it. Besides, I don’t give a damn what others think or say about me. It’s my happiness, and only I can make it happen.

written by hurt by lies 1, 01 June, 2009

if you have any dignity or self respect left in your body you will keep away from him,
you are only hurting yourself and his wife, all the things you have already done with this man behind his wifes back is despicable, think of those things when you want to run back to him, think of the lying and sneaking he is doing to his wife who most likely has the same gut wrenching pain since he is her HUSBAND YOU ARE HAVING AFFAIR WITH

written by CHEATINGCOPSWIFE2, 02 June, 2009

Sad and regretful, go to him...you two deserve each other!......in a few months, you both will realize what sad and regretful will really mean..when it doesnt work out with you, when you become the same pain in the A he thinks his wife is.....he will leave, either try to go home or find another OW...because thats the kind of man he is.

There is someone full of BS here, and thats you...because of all the bs he probably fed you over the term of your affair.......but hey, wht do I know, birds of a feather..it may work out...then good for you! Have a happy life!...but if i were you..I would watch that cheater closely!!!..you are willingly putting yourself out there for a CHEATER..O..wait, you are a cheater too!!! NEVER MIND!!! Good luck!!

written by fairytale, 02 June, 2009

My husband cheated..he broke my heart..but, he decided to leave me for her...Life was good for them, while my life was mess....I struggled emotionally, etc..never felt I was good enough....wasnt paying attention when driving...went through a stop sign....ended up in the hospital...met the most wonderful man....MY DOCTOR!!!

I can honestly say, I found true love...I have never been closer to anyone in my whole life....what I had with my husband..doesnt compare to this.....I see what time I wasted with a man who couldnt even buy me flowers or hold my hand....she can have that jerk...the best part is....my son, he tells me that his dad and future step mom, fight al the time....hes always out and wont tell her where he is......lol...welcome to my old life, but you thought he was the prize! o well, now you see what I was dealing with!
For my 45th birthday, my hubby bought me a convertible Jaguar...I love picking up my son in that car..and I love it when he drops him off at my new house...the driveway is almost 1 mile long...lol!

Life has never been better...AN AFFAIR..IN MY CASE SAVED MY MISERABLE LIFE....now, I have a fairytale!

written by cheatingcopswife2, 02 June, 2009

I forgot to add this to "sad and regretful"...of course you dont give a damn what people think.....because you are selfish and self centered! You really dont care whose lives you destroy as long as YOU have your happiness.....YOU SOUND LIKE A GREAT PERSON! Maybe, if you cared what people thought about you and you cared about yourself, you wouldnt find yourself in this loser situation!

When the day comes, when he leaves you...and he will....and you’re laying there all alone...remember these words....WHAT COMES AROUND...GOES AROUND!

AND HERES A QUESTION, WHY DONT WE MARRIED WIVES BELONG HERE....you losers are the ones doing our husbands...so get ready, deal with us too.....if you cant deal with the "wives"..stay out of bed with the "husbands!"

written by weepingwillow, 02 June, 2009

I’m not stupid. I know that he and I will NEVER be. Even if he did leave his wife for me, we’d never work. It just doesn’t happen that way. But my heart still aches for him everyday. I even considered sending him the link to this site so he can read it, and have a CLUE as to what he’s done to my heart.

written by weepingwillow, 02 June, 2009

I just got hit by a ton of bricks....It has literally knocked the wind out of me, and I am having trouble breathing. He and I made love the other night, and it was wonderful. He just informed me, that the OTHER OW, is still part of his life, and he isn’t planning on leaving that relationship. I need to accept it, or move on. Right at this moment, I am speechless. I obviously have no other options, but the thought of his loss is more then I can deal with. I guess this is my karma, and I need to learn to live w/ my mistake. I just wish there was a magic pill I could take to stop loving him. I need to be done. And what really sucks, is that I will go a month w/o contacting him, and as always, he’ll call me again. When will this unfair, vicious cycle ever cease?

written by cheatingcopswife2, 03 June, 2009

Weeping willow,
Why are you so weak?
Does the word "disease" scare you?

written by 1/5wasted, 03 June, 2009

Been lurking awhile. From my experience of both sides of the fence is that "NO CONTACT" is the only thing that will heal you. We all try to put these relationships into a warm fuzzy place so we all go away feeling good about our "PARTNERS" but the fact is until we establish NC there is no healing to be done. I allowed another women to contact me going on ten years and never could start my healing process,until I started hanging up on her and I realize I was picking the scab off of that wound for 1/5th of my life.

written by stupidgirl, 03 June, 2009

The unfair cycle will cease when you are woman enough to end it, when you realize, you are too good for him and build up your self esteem, when you realize, you deserve better in life to be used by a man..married or not.....when you realize, its ok to be alone....when you become independent..and not dependent on someone else for your own happiness......when you stop being selfish..because you know what you are doing isnt right...and then finally, when you realize, you mean nothing to him at all.

I was there, I was used and tossed aside..he had many other women.....he always tried to come bck too when we split up, and I would be weak and have sex. He knew he could do to me whatever and I would be there. Do you know how low that made me feel.

The day he tried coming back the last time, I didnt let him...and he begged and pleaded for a month..the last time, I called the police. He hasnt been back since.

Its over, I’m free. I never felt better in my whole life.
I tied myself up 7 years over this loser.

You can do it.

written by Crushed Cop, 04 June, 2009

Well I decided that i am better off being the guy who has the courage to admit he no longer loves his wife and moves on then the guy who stays in it and cheats. I have not been in contact with my OW and frankly, I wont try to recontact her because this is about me, and i need to focus on why i no longer have feelings and get those issues addressed.

Maybe some day me and my OW will cross paths and fate will bring us together. Until then I am in this living hell called asking for a divorce and i question my motivation daily.

PS : Weeping willow / Tough break with the OTHER OW. That was tough to read. Karma is a bitch. Please resolve yourself to move on...do it for you and make it stick no matter how bad it sucks. It is what i am doing now.

written by cheatingcopswife2, 04 June, 2009

Crushed, I give you much credit.
You see it for what its worth.

written by wiser&happier, 04 June, 2009

To the OW: Thank you for coming into my H’s life and showing him what he really had in me. Our marriage is better now than ever! You confirmed for him what he DIDN’T want, and his commitment to me is now deeper than the day we married. Your affair was short – not quite 4 months. My H told me EVERYTHING you did. The attention you gave each other was clearly an addiction, and I hope you have been able to ‘get clean.’ I hold no hatred for you – only pity for you, your H, and your child. I hope you can get over the ‘game’ my H played with you as a way of reaching out for help for his self-esteem. But remember – you played a game with him, too, describing your lousy marriage, flirting with him, leading him on. It takes two. My advice for you? Get MC with your H, make a true commitment again to your 25 year marriage, and truly attempt to grow and heal your relationship with your H. That’s where you will find your true peace and happiness.

written by nameless, 04 June, 2009

In response to finallystoodupformyself, 31 May, 2009
I am going thru the same thing you are. I’m married and having an affair with a married man. This has been going on for almost 2 years. The unusual thing about my affair is that it only happens at work. My only contact with him is his cell phone and thru work. We don’t work the same schedules or hrs so it makes things very hard to coordinate time together. I see him before or after work and sometimes at lunch. I know deep down inside he’s never going to leave his wife and I am not ready to leave my husband. Something was and still is missing from my marriage, I am not quite sure what that something is but what ever it is it’s strong. My husband and I have no physical relationship and haven’t had it for years now. I’m sad about that because we were very close but now that this other man is in my life I don’t even want to address that with him. I tried numerous times to brake it off but to no avail. I physically hurt from the thought of not seeing him again. And let me just tell you that he is using me and I know he is, yet like an idiot I want him. It’s always about him never does he consider my feelings. In any case you’re not alone, there’s so many of us out there doing things we’re not too proud of. Some of us are weaker than others, the once casting stones because they have the perfect life. I’m not blaming anyone but myself for allowing this too happen and now not knowing how to deal. I hear ya sister and I’m right there with ya.

written by weepingwillow, 05 June, 2009

to CheatingCopWife...

I don’t KNOW why I am so weak! That is what pisses me off so bad. I never was before. this man has brainwashed my heart, and has made me into a fool. I know I am stupid, pathetic, weak etc. After the other day, I am TRYING to stay away. I have set a plan for myself, and I am planning on following it to the T, just so that I do NOT fall back into the trap. I want to be a better person. I WANT to be rid of him. I believe that I deserve better than to be someone’s THIRD choice. I hate that I have let my self esteem go. I truly AM pathetic

written by Thanks, 05 June, 2009

My situation is a little different. I am the OW but he is not married. He’s in a relationship of almost 2 years. He tells me that the relationship is rocky (before he met me) but he shows no interest in leaving her. He told her to leave on 2 occasions I know of and when she refuses, he accepts it.

They don’t have any kids together but he has two little girls. We talk about anything and everything. I’ve showed him that he deserves better but he keeps putting up with it.

After reading OW comments I realize I’m going through unnecessary problems. Thanks for sharing your stories.

written by cheatingcopswife2, 05 June, 2009

weaping willow,
You are not pathetic. Pick yourself off...stop letting him use you....you deserve a lot BETTER THAN THAT LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A MAN!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself...today is Friday, get yourself together and go out..meet new people!
I hope you find someone who deserves you!

written by spicegirl, 05 June, 2009

Wiser and happier, good for you! My marriage is in the same situation! NEVER BETTER!

written by spicegirl, 06 June, 2009

Are you sure he" "telling" her to leave....I mean, really telling her....I think thats what he is "telling" you...He has no ties with this woman and can leave at anytime. He can get out...YOU KNOW THAT..I can tell, you really know that....I doubt very much hes is TELLING HER ANYTHING! Hes playing you both. Dont let him do that...Im sure if the GF has no clue!

written by Turn Your Back, 06 June, 2009

To Still His Wife: As I’ve learned due to my past mistakes, a married man that cheats is weak and selfish, so why are you bragging about winning him back. He strayed before and he will stray again. You will spend the rest of your time together tracking his every move, wondering where he is and who he is with and your mind will never be at ease. To all you women who have won your husbands back, good for you, but don’t go bragging on this site about the prize you’ve won because after being the OW and now seeing MM who cheat for what they are, you can keep your prize, I wouldn’t have a man like that for all the money in the world. You need to stop blaming the OW for what YOUR husband did, the sooner you realize he was at fault the sooner you will stop bragging about winning him back!

written by wiser&happier, 08 June, 2009

People are human. They make mistakes. They learn from them. That’s what my husband and I have found. Sure, it was easy for us to say "If you ever go out on me I’ll leave you." Reality showed us that we value what we have too much to just throw it away over a mistake. And believe me, extramarital affairs are about as big a mistake as a person can make. Especially when they never intended for it to go anywhere – it was just for the attention and the boost to self-esteem, for both of the affair partners. They screwed up – they looked for their emotional needs in the wrong place.
If I had been able to just walk away we obviously didn’t have much to begin with. So we’ve come back together as two flawed humans, committed more than ever to each other. It’s all we can do. And we’re both better people for the experience.

written by Sad and Regretful, 08 June, 2009

Look Cheating Cop’s wife... you are an idiot. You didn’t even bother to read my initial post. My OM is NOT married. He has been in love with me all of his life. You seem very quick to judge and are obviously an ignorant woman. You do not belong on this website. You seem to be getting lots of pleasure by bashing people on this blog, instead of accepting the fact that we cannot control another’s feelings or decisions. If your man cheated on you, that was his decision. We are ultimately free beings. NO ONE has the right to tie or force another to stay with them. Just because there is a signed paper saying you are married, doesn’t mean you own that other person. Many of the MM stay in their marriages, not because they wised up and went back to their wives out of love, but out of convenience... and I understand it. It’s difficult to break up a home, expensive, etc. Luckily, I have a 6 figure income and can afford to support myself and my daughter. I don’t need to stay in a marriage out of convenience... I will only do it out of love. If the love isn’t there, neither am I.

written by fighting back now, 08 June, 2009

to Turn your back,
I just wanted to say that your post was awesome,
I don’t think it’s as much as the wives bragging,as I have been cheated on by my husband,Who I know cannot face the errors of his own ways,can never be,Has always felt that he never ever does noting wrong,And this i know is what made him run off and tell tall tales and seek out companionship from someone else because he could and can nevr own up to his own bullshit,he was a saint,But he had a way of making everyone else connected to him be at fault for any and everything,
As yet he doesn’t have the balls to own up to his dirt lies and cheating,I am one of those forgiving women,but there is a line,And as he feels lonely for sure now maybe his eyes will open to the truth,
But what you tell the ow here is truth, and I hope that they listen to yor words,These men lie and make their wives seem like these horrible people to get you ladies on their side and to stop the guilt,But it may sometimes be true but why are they still married if they are so unhappy,this should raise an eyebrow there with the ow,
I hope that you find your true love one day,Both are to blame for the cheating,when the husband comes back home it is him who feels like pond scum because we wives can kill them with the same love and kindness that brought them in our lives in the first place,But Lots of them are cowards they run and are running from themselves and destroying others lives while not being able to face their own demons,it’s not his wife,his kids,work,
It’s himself he is unhappy with so therefore how can he find happiness anywhere else,So he lies and seeks attention elsewhere when his games don’t work anymore on the wife, after while since we have been with them for so long we know them,you think you know him,But you never ever saw the real him,You see what he allows you to see,the same person he showed us and then clicked from,Be wise ladies don’t fall for the game don’t fall in the trap and believe the lies you are told,because she is right(turn your back) they will all go running back home !! to the real safe comfort zone that they knew they had in the first place,after all who else once they really see who they are will put up with their bullshit ??? the wife knows the real him,
You only see a side,if most of you saw the real him you would most likely run anyhow,don’t believe the lies be strong say no,don’t let these men degrade you like this and use you and your hearts,

written by cheatingcopswife, 09 June, 2009

I’m the IDIOT! LOL LOL LOL I did read your initial post...YOU ARE THE IDIOT!

Some men do make MISTAKES..and are REGRETFUL and of course a loser like you...would only believe they go back to their wives out of convenience...because A WOMAN LIKE YOU HAS NO CLUE WHAT it means TO LOVE SOME ONE DEEPLY! So, go, DO YOUR HUSBAND A FAVOR! Leave him to find a decent woman who will be able to show your daughter MORALS AND VALUES.....2 THINGS YOU CLEARLY DO NOT HAVE....!!!

written by BLINGBLING, 09 June, 2009

To, turn your back...o yes, we got the prize, the prize you OW wanted too...and of course hes no longer the prize, because HE DIDNT WANT YOU ANYMORE LOL!

You know whats really sad...is when my husband tells me..even at his lowest point, when he thought he lost me, ow was so pathetic, she couldnt take him away from me! And, Just so you know, some men really learn from their poor choices...and realize how great the wife really is....you losers believe what you want..but you surely slept with our prizes didnt you, you wanted THE MM, the prize , didnt you?..now they dont want you..so obviously, YOU ARE THE LOSER HERE! A BIG BIG LOSER.. do another wife a favor whos husband thinks hes got it rough, sleep with him, so he goes running home to the best thing that ever happened to him....HIS WIFE!

You dont know me or anyone else on this site...or our husbands....we are all human, decent people learn from their mistakes and a strong marriage can work around this......marriage is not a fantasy world, and its easy for people to get lost...but, when they can find their way home......its far better and real than it ever was...but you will probably never know that concept!

written by 4yearsandgoingstrong, 09 June, 2009

I’ve been married to my husband for 15years...4 years ago, we drifted apart...lets face it..marriage can get boring and more things do become more important than the husband/wife..not on purpose, but because it just happens especially when both spouses are working with children...

Now, my husband didnt get the attention he needed, I didnt get the attention I needed..and it was easy to fall into a "trap" with others who find you attractive, and the flirting begins....we are all human! Some couples end up splitting and leaving after the betrayal, whether its emotional or sexual...some couples, it can pull together when they realize...what they truly have and dont want to lose it!

It doesnt mean one is a loser and one is a winner....it means, 2 people somewhere, found each other. If a husband/wife leaves...their marriage was weak from the beginning and why they got married, they only know....but, if people get married for the right reasons, when they make wrong choices....they can fix those mistakes together...

No one stays in a marriage for convenience...I dont care what anyone tries to tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My marriage grew and I dont have to watch my husband and he doesnt have to watch me...what happened in our lives...sealed the deal, there is nothing we cant face together, we are closer now than ever...in fact, before this happened, I didnt really trust him at all! Now,..after 4 years....life is so good...I never believed it could be better after our problems!

Sometimes, 2 people need a "wake up call" to make them realize what they have in each other...and that can be a good thing....as long as the 3rd party...lets go

written by stillhiswife, 09 June, 2009

Turn your back....Do you know my husband? You dont know him or what he will do....I’m sure you do know all about cheating though.....

I do blame my husband and I do blame the ow..Why isnt she partly to blame here??? Because she’s not the married one? And in my husbands case, when he told her it was over..she wouldnt let him go! Believe me, I blame him for everything!!!! Because, he is a decent smart man..I understand why he did what he did,I only wish he did it with a decent woman, but like he said, "no decent woman would sleep with a married man..." THERE YOU HAVE IT OW’S!

So you dont believe a person can change? Do you think you can stop sleeping with married men? ( I dont know if you do or not, I’m guessing you have to be an OW not a wife just by your post! ) Did you ever do something really really wrong and feel so bad that you will never do it again????
Some men/women are just trash and will sleep around no matter what, but there are those, that are in a bad place mentally, and are emotionally weak for whatever reason and do make that poor choice.....

I believe people can change, in fact...prisons are full of people who can change....once a cheater not always a cheater.....not in every case.

And yes, I do have the prize...because his ow wanted him bad....really bad...and do you know how good it feels to know, she couldnt even steal him when he was at his lowest point.....he was still mine....so yes, I am bragging...I want all of you OW to know...in this case THE WIFE WON THE PRIZE!! AND TO EVERY WIFE ON THIS SITE...IF THE HUBBY COMES HOME...THE OW LOSES...WE WIN!
MESS WITH OUR MEN, WE WILL FIGHT BACK!

You dont think we dont know its your goal TO GET OUR HUSBANDS????
Not anymore girls..not anymore! This generation of wives..will fight!

written by hurtinghusband, 09 June, 2009

I cheated on my wife and I am proud to say, im a changed man!

OW biggest, biggest mistake of my life!

No one has the right to say "once a cheater always a cheater," Not the case here!

I was stupid, I lost a lot,thought I had nothing more to lose, slept with HER. Realized,I had a lot to lose, myself, my self respect,she was nothing to me, never could be!She brought me down,she was annoying, irritating and the lousiest sex I ever had. She wasnt her, my wife-my love.
I am a changed new man, proud of it.Sorry very sorry, I had to stoop so low to figure it out!

Cheaters can learn, this man did.

written by NALI, 09 June, 2009

I am involved with my best friend of 9 years only in the last year things progressed. I love him! I know he loves me! He is not happy in his marriage and has not been for many years. He is staying because of the kids and while I understand that and things have ended, I still have it in the back of my mind that things may work out. This sounds crazy! My question is...If you are deeply in love with someone else how can you make your marriage work? How can you stay?
I love him and will not have contact with him because I do feel guilty about letting this go to far but it does not change the fact that we Love each other.

written by wiser&happier, 09 June, 2009

My question is...If you are deeply in love with someone else how can you make your marriage work? How can you stay?
NALI, read your own writing again. If he was deeply in love with you he would be with you. Simple as that. "Staying in a marriage for the kids" ranks right up there with the other lousy, uncreative lines H’s use to justify having their cake and eating it too: "My wife doesn’t understand me" "I love her but I’m not IN love with her" "Our marriage is lousy" Yep – and then who do they go home to? Their wife, of course.

written by hurt by lies 1, 09 June, 2009

To Bling Bling: I like what you wrote that is so so true and it was great,it takes more than sex to have a marriage and these ow think they are just all that because they slept with our husbands,But like you said who would want to commit to them? they are already showing they are cheats !!!
I really liked your post,You made my day brighter,

written by Newlife, 09 June, 2009

To all the women who have posted here, I wish you peace. The wives and the OW – you are both so similar to each other. If you were the OW, you were looking for love, acceptance, to feel ‘special’. If you were the wife at home, you were just trying to be a good wife, and mother, and may have lost the romance /spontaneity that comes along with a long term relationship. Keep your heads up. Everyone.

written by NALI, 10 June, 2009

To Wiser and Happier
Thank you for your response, you are right!
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I accept this for what it is? This is killing me, and I am not sure how to get over it.

written by spicegirl, 10 June, 2009

NALI...Hes not deeply in love with you, thats why. He used you, now hes done, hes letting you down easy. Let him go. He is where he wants to be.

written by LOST190LBSOFLOSER, 10 June, 2009

Do any of you other women out there realize MM will lie and bash their wives to get what they want from you....do you actually believe the wives ARE WHAT THEY ARE BEING DESCRIBED AS??

I can speak from my own experience....My husband was an idiot....he drank and did stupid things....I did not want sex with him, because he was LOUSY...AND BORING IN BED AND YES I FOUGHT WITH HIM, LOSER !!!

You ow can have his lame ass...put up with his shit and clean up after him...!!! Thank you so much for coming into his life AND MAKING MY LIFE MUCH BETTER!

I will take his alimony and child support..and the house plus half his retirement..and you can have his penniless butt AND support him...he needs a woman with low self esteem and no self worth because they are the only ones that will put up with him!

AND DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING HIS STUPID ASS BACK!

written by Sad and Regretful, 10 June, 2009

Oh Cheating Cop’s Wife, you poor ignorant thing. Who made you God to judge other people without even knowing them or their situation. Get off your high horse and find something better to do with your life, then to bash people on websites that were not developed for negative individuals like yourself. Everyone is human, has feelings, needs, make mistakes. It’s part of life. What would you know about my morals or values? I for one have been honest about my feelings to myself and to everyone around me. Am I immoral because I fell in love with someone else and am ending my marriage? Maybe to you, but that is ok because your insignificant opinion matters absolutely nothing to me. I am true to myself. To me it’s much more immoral to stay in a marriage you are not happy in just out of convenience. And I didn’t say all MM went back to their wives out of convenience (learn to read better before lashing out), but a love of them do. That’s why they say: "it’s cheaper to keep her". It’s all an illusion anyway. It is what it is.
Peace.

written by LookingForHealthyLove, 10 June, 2009

Hello all!

Wow...glad I found this site. I’ve been involved with a MM for over a year (mainly through texting...the physical relations have dwindled due to distance). I can say it feels like an addiction and its a struggle everyday not to think about him! It was instant attraction and I never thought I’d be the one to get involved in this type of situation!!! I was going through a difficult time in my life at that time and said f-it...I’m going to think about me for once! We had been in contact for 3 years as we "worked" together in some capacity but never followed through with it until one night when he invited me out with a group of people and then kissed me at the end of the night in my car. It was crazy and it was exciting and it filled whatever I was lacking at that time. Not proud of it that’s for sure, but things happen for a reason. I told myself I’m going to end this before it gets to be too serious, but a year later it’s still in my face! I keep trying to make it more than it is in my head...that he’s contacting me all the time, or thinking of me because he actually cares...but why would I want him to care??! He’s taken. It’s a stupid cycle. He is moving to a different country thankfully (well sadly) for 8 months, and I’m trying very hard to cut him out of my life completely. I want something healthy and happy and to myself. SOMETHING REAL!!! (That’s what I keep saying but not feeling at this time). I believe we both met each other and were attracted to each other because we were both the same at that point in our lives...learning from each other in some way...lacking the attention or the appreciation of someone; wanting to feel that excitement and that desire from someone. Wanting to feel worth. I hope that everyone on this site can find someone that makes them happy in a healthy way Thanks for sharing your stories!!! Life is a bunch of lessons and we all come to earth to learn something from our obstacles. I hope I am able to get over this one quickly!

written by Affairshurteveryone, 11 June, 2009

To hurtinghusband, what a terrible way to talk about another person! This is someone you probably told you loved, enough for her to sleep with you; The most intimate connection you can have with another human! I feel sorry for your wife and the OW who had the misfortune to meet you.

written by ITSCOMEAROUND, 11 June, 2009

SINGLE WOMAN SLEEPS WITH MARRIED MAN
MARRIED MAN LEAVES WIFE FOR OTHER WOMAN

MARRIED MAN SECRETLY MEETING WIFE BEHIND OTHER WOMANS BACK

ANGELINA JOLIE/BRAD PITT/JENNIFER ANISTON= PRICELESS!

written by SPINNIT, 11 June, 2009

New life, please dont compare any wife on this site to an OW...we are definitely NOT similar!!

written by payback, 11 June, 2009

22 years ago, when I was single, I had an affair with a married man. did i know it was wrong, yes. Did I do it, yes. This man, was my mentor at work, i started a new career and he was my leader..I was at his beck and call, was i intimidated by him, yes....but, I was also attracted to him, he was 44 and i was 23.

I believed things about his wife too..that after I met her, I knew was untrue...I believed it all....now, I was in a trap..I wanted to leave, he threatened to call my parents, I felt sick, guilty scared...ashamed.

I wish I could go back 22 years....and do things over. I am so sorry. I realize now why the wife of my married man had issues....he was a tough man to live with...now 22 years later, I have the same problem. Its coming around for me.

written by learned too late, 11 June, 2009

I believe my mm saga about his unhappy life and his mean fat wife that does nothing all day.

About 4 months ago, I meet the fat mean wife at work.

She came in and caught me at my desk, she pulled half the hair out of my head..she caused a scene and I was the one escorted out of the building and jobless now.

As for the fat and ugly...lies. She was nothing what he said she was. Now, hes getting a divorce, I tried contacting him, he wants nothing to do with me and tells me he will have me arrested for harassment.

We all live in the same small town. No one wants anything to do with me. I cant even go out to eat without someone saying something negative. I hate my life. I hate him.

written by cheatingcopswife2, 12 June, 2009

To Sad and Regretful....the greatest compliment YOU can give me is NO COMPLIMENT AT ALL!

Peace to you too!

written by cheatingcopswife2, 12 June, 2009

o and by the way.....cheaper to keeper is a term Ow’s use because they cant face the fact...THEY ARE ARENT WANTED BY MM AND THEY ARE THE LOSERS

written by HURTINGHUSBAND, 12 June, 2009

To affairs hurt everyone.....NEGATIVE, NEVER TOLD HER I LOVED HER, NEVER! In fact, my wife, was done with me,I was trying to get her back, I told this ow that nothing would come out of this..and she assured me it was only sex to her and shes ok with that!

You know what I cant stand, you women who offer yourselves sexually to a man who tell you straight up, thats all it is its sex only! What happens then, you get attached to us, because your so desperate for affection...you lie and have hidden agendas, you offer things and we take, then you demand more and more and more! None of you are victims here, you give , we take..then wee dont want and you get pissed off!

I made a horrible horrible poor choice...a choice I will pay dearly for the rest of my life! She got what she deserved...not my problem, I told her upfront , she wasnt forced! I could never and would never love and easy pig like her, she has made my life hell, because yes, I let her..thats what we do to ourselves when the alcohol and emotions rule....we do stupid things....There was no intimate connection for me, only sex!
I love my wife, always did, I thank god she let me back into her life and I will cherish her forever.

She was told upfront, she wanted it, I gave it to her....thats all. Simple.

written by Turn Your Back, 12 June, 2009

To the various wives that wrote back to me, you are free to have your own opinions, but please realize this is a site for "getting over an affair" it is not one to promote affairs and some of you were really trashing the OW and it seems like you see this as a game. We are here to support each other in our decision to leave the affair or to get out of it for those who are still in one. And please stop bashing those who are leaving marriages for someone else. It is a far better thing to end a marriage and let the innocent spouse find someone who truly loves them rather than sneak around behind their back and make life miserable for both of them, (not that I think sneaking around behind anyones back is okay). OW don’t go into a relationship with a MM as some sort of game, and if we knew back then of all the pain and suffering everyone involved would endure we never would have done it, but hind-sight is 20 20.

written by Turn Your Back, 13 June, 2009

To Itscomearound: what is so funny about that situation? The two woman are still miserable and the man gets his ego feed by having the attention of two woman.....no winners in that situation, not a good or funny situation.

written by blingbling, 13 June, 2009

To Hurtinghusband!

Good for you! I believe your wife is now luckier than she has ever been, she has a man now, who realizes how lucky HE IS TO HAVE HER!

I can believe any person can change, if its really what they want to do! My husband made a poor choice too, when our marriage was going south....we both lost ourselves...but everyday, we make it up to each other and our marriage is great!

All you ow’s out there, smirking at this remark, go ahead...I used to smirk too, when I heard about cheating in a marriage , I would laugh to myself when a couple says its "better than ever"..now, I realize it, it is better than ever, in fact, I never dreamed this level of intimacy, love and contentment would have been possible to achieve!

Sometimes, it takes other people in your lives for you to realize just how much you mean to each other and you will fight to keep what you have and cherish it every single day!
As for that comment "CHEAPER TO KEEPER" -IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER FOR MY HUSBAND TO LEAVE!!!!!

BLING BLING BLING BLING from him constantly! He cant do enough for me!
I have never felt so loved and so special in my whole life!
Go spoil your wife too! Live happy and strong!

written by sensibleone, 13 June, 2009

People people people, listen up!

A 3rd party cannot destroy a marriage! The marriage is already destroyed once they ow/om is in the picture!

You cannot blame that other person for your failed marriage!!!

On the same token, if a marriage fails, it is not because of the ow/om, its because the love foundation is not strong enough to fix or want to fix the underlying issues.

If the married people split, they will carry over those issues to their next relationship, creating another unhealthy relationship.

See it for what is is....people make mistakes, poor decisions, whatever you want to call it, for various reasons..some good, some not so good.

When a marriage can be fixed, it really does turn out, better , just because there is infidelity in a marriage, doesnt mean it can never be good again, it can be the greatest gift, if the two people understand where it went wrong and love is there to accept why it happened and fix it to never have it happen again, it will, create an understanding and acceptance of love that few of us can even comprehend.

The 3rd party, well, you take a chance, plain and simple. Sometimes, the ow/om will leave, but then, now you have inherited their issues and believe me, it is likely, the same will happen in your relationship and they will run to the next person.

Life throws challenges to everyone, whether its marital problems, health issues...whatever!
Strong, stay and fight, weak leave....So, is your relationship foundation strong or weak?????

No one on this site should degrade any person for leaving or staying, for cheating or not cheating.
As humans, we have our strengths and our weakness’. We ultimately decide if we make ourselves stronger and better people. No one else has that control. Unfortunately, the strong in in any area will judge the weak in that same area, which becomes hurtful.

Life happens, start today, make it better for yourself! You have the power!

written by suckerpunched, 14 June, 2009

If my husband would have been the man he was supposed to be....I wouldn’t have turned into the wife he didnt want me to be.

written by Stat Man, 14 June, 2009

I was married for about 12 years. After 8 years we really stopped having meaningful sex and lost touch with the passion. I was desperate to find an OW but could never bring myself to do it because I knew cheating was wrong. I was so frustrated in my marriage but stayed in it "for the kids" because even if two married people never have sex and are totally out of touch with each other...they should stay together and be miserable for the kids. Right?

We never fought, but we were like roommates...or a brother and sister raising kids together (completely out of touch).

I met a single woman at work with whom i became friends and had numerous coffee breaks and other chances for discussion with about how miserable my marriage was. Although we were just friends I new that I wanted her as my OW. I began to become so nervous when i saw her that my anxiety was overwhelming...i wanted her so bad, but fidelity remained important to me and i refrained. She talked to me about how important my happiness was and how i was entitled to find my soul mate who i obviously was not with.

I began to realize that i was no longer in love with my wife (or committed) and that i needed to move on so that she might find someone who loved and adored her like a husband should, and i could find the passion with a woman that satisfied me. Soon the woman at work was transferred to another state and was no longer there. For a short time I felt some loss, but the picture became clear to me that I was no longer happy and felt compelled to cheat. I then began to see potential candidates for my OW all over the place and mildly pursued a number of them...but not to the point of cheating.

I finally told my wife that i was not in love, could not stay and moved out. Although she understood that we were out of touch, she blasted me with guilt about staying for the sake of the kids. My mental and emotional pain was almost unbearable. Sleepless nights, and feelings of failure and guilt about my kids having to go to two different houses. I am on my own now and i am recovering but still have painful days.

I can say two things. (1) I never cheated on my wife by sleeping with another woman...although I wanted to many times. (2) People fall out of touch and out of love with each other...and before you cheat, think about caring enough to be honest and shut the marriage down. I know it is painful....pain pain pain. Allow your spouse the freedom to meet someone who can give them what you lack, and love yourself enough to do the same.

Oh and (3)- The kids will be happier in two separate homes with happy parents who dont fight and who cherish the time they spend with their kids...rather than being in one house where the parents drink too much, dont love each other, or cheat on each other, or scream and fight with each other.

Thank you to my almost OW who is out of state. When I feel like i have recovered from this divorce, im going to get back in touch with you. This divorce was not about you, it was about me, but thank you for talking me through most of it.

written by arual, 15 June, 2009

In response to the last 2 comments:

suckerpunched: do not blame your husband for what you became. We are all responsible for our own behaviors. I was blaming my husband as to why I had the affair but only I powered myself to meet my OM clandestinely. No one put a gun to my head to do it.

Stat Man: I commend you for your self control when you were tempted and had the strength to exit your marriage before you cheated and respected your ex-wife to be honest with her and "free" her to find love with someone else. We are human, everyone is tempted, some give in some don’t. It doesn’t make it right or wrong, bad or good. It’s human nature and will be this way until the end of time. It’s good to hear the male perspective on these issues instead of many women who just whine about their plight.

Good luck to all.

written by suckerpunched, 17 June, 2009

I was only trying to say, that a persons actions can change your actions.. thats all. Obviously the actions we take we chose to take, especially a step like you took, but, the point I’m trying to say is...my husband said I fought with him a lot, I did, because he was out drinking a lot and driving drunk, my husband said I became less affectionate, I did, because I was slowly falling out of love with him, his actions turned me off, and if you think years of disappointment cant change a person, I dont know what to say to you.

written by so over it, 17 June, 2009

my husband had a brief sexual affair, he thought he was missing something at home, turns out, he did start missing something.....home! Now, he wants to make things WORK tells me OW biggest mistake...etc.

She is calling me now, thinks I have "something over him" as to why hes not leaving me.

He killed it for me when he discussed our problems with her. He chose to go to her before me, telling her our marriage was over etc....it was bad, but it wasnt over!

He is doing everything he can right now, said he found a new love and appreciation for me.blah blah blah.
I just want him out. I deserve a better man and will find one.

I told ow come and get the rest of his stuff and move it to her place and I will help her. Also gave her some of his favorite recipes of mine...I will do all I can to promote that relationship!!!
His affair was a relief to me. He was under the impression he was the only DISSATISFIED ONE!

written by Eleh, 17 June, 2009

I too am the other woman. I am torn between breaking it off and holding on. This is my story as briefly as I can put it.

My "accomplice" and I met while we were both separated about 14 years ago. I got a divorce and he did the same later. His first wife wanted to stick it to him and prolonged the divorce even though she wanted it as well. We moved in together, blended our children into a family atmosphere, had our own child together and intended on getting married but did not due to him becoming involved with drugs and alcohol. After standing by him through those years, I decided that if he was not going to get help and change, I had to move on for the sake of our kids. We did not see each other for about 4 months and eventually began to talk via the phone. Later we got back together and tried to move forward, but I still was dealing with hurt and anger that came as a result of our past together. He even asked me to marry him again. So about 2 years ago, even though he still desired to marry me, he moved out. Within 6 months, he married someone else. I was devastated. After losing him, I realized what he meant to me and still means to me and tried to reconcile before he married. He and his wife will be married for one year in a few weeks.

The problem is that we have been seeing each other for the last 8 months.
He was my best friend and we let a bad patch in our relationship make us lose sight of what we had in our good times. We did not speak at all for about 3 months after he left unless it was about our kids. Slowly our conversations turned to what was going on in each others lives and then to the problems we had. The relationship crossed the line and became physical 6 months into his marriage. We talk at length almost everyday. I have seen her treat him in a most disrespectful way at times when we are all at functions for our children. I have tried to give him advice on how to make things better with her even though I want him to come home. Not seeing him is not an option. We have kids. I try not to be around him alone. His wife does not help the situation as she often goes out or away, not for business but for pleasure with her girlfriends.

I know some people will say we should end it since he has married someone new. I have tried. But I love him also. I feel horrible most days because I know what it feels like to be cheated on. I know what it feels like to place your hopes for a future in someone and have them tossed aside.

All I can say is, no one knows what goes on inside of any relationship. There are always his side, her side and the whole truth. Relationships are made and broken by the people who are within the relationship. This does not mean that the outside person bears no responsibility, but they cannot force anyone to step of outside. All relationships need to be based on trust and honesty. The thing is, even if my friend left his wife to come back home, I don’t know if I could trust him because of what he is doing with me no matter what the circumstances are. I’m sure if she finds out, and chooses to forgive him, that their relationship would ever be the same either. All parties are hurt in this.

I have a great deal of respect for marriage, even though my actions may not say so. But I also know that ending something with someone is not as easy as it sounds. Cheaters and those who are cheated on go through the same kind of pain. It’s just seems as though we are the ones who are judged the harshest.

The lesson I learned/ am learning is if I value the person, I will fight to make the relationship work. We get so caught up in how we feel that we fail to realize that there is someone else involved.

written by Trying to let go, 17 June, 2009

I need some advice on how to get over an affair. I feel like I am an addict going through withdrawal. My affair with a MM at work never meant that much to me, it was stupid, it was silly and I know it was an indication of something that’s lacking in my relationship with my wonderful, loving boyfriend, and i’m trying to fix that.

In the meantime, i can’t seem to let go of the MM. He’s left my workplace and i didn’t want the affair to carry on so we agreed to end it. We’re in contact a little, not very often, but i find i miss him so much it’s confusing my feelings.

Why do i miss him so much? How do i stop obsessing over him and reliving every detail of our affair? How do i stop wanting him to want me?

I’m going to see him soon at a mutual friend’s birthday. It’ll be the first time we’ve seen each other since he left two months ago. I want to be strong and have some sort of peace of mind so that i can deal with my feelings when I see him.

I know that time is a healer, i know that i shouldn’t contact him so i don’t. I just don’t know why i feel this way when i never had any real deep feelings for him as a person. Am i just missing the excitement of it all? Will he be feeling the same? Anyone with any words of advice on how to put my feelings into perspective and move on???

Thanks for listening.

written by in the flow, 18 June, 2009

OK, I’ll see if releasing this to someone out there will help. I’ve been obsessed with a woman for about a year. She is all I deem ideal. I have lost my attraction for my wife over the years, due to drifting apart, not working together, avoiding even fights, her weight gain, it all adds up to a big turn-off, and it’s very difficult to recover the feelings. I’ve tried pushing away my feelings for the obsession, and each time, things happen to remind me of how I have felt, and why it came to this. It’s like I am supposed to be living with this conflict. We have not consummated, we are very respectful, we communicate private things, but we’ve never crossed the lines, physically, or even verbally. We just got very close. Physically, we’ve had several lunches, but that’s about it. I don’t think she feels any need for me now, but she expresses such sweet sentiments. And I wake up obsessed. Now, I avoid eye contact with my wife, even as she tries hard to hold us together. Basically, I lie when I say those three little words. I feel horrible inside, churning toward the obsession one hour, and feeling heartbroken over my own missing feelings toward my wife the next. I hope for this other relationship, for the sweetness that my mind says is imaginary. She has needed moral support, and I’ve done all I can to be what I could be without crossing the line. I feel deceitful for hoping, but that’s what love does – it hopes for everything. There is no one to admit all this to. I’ve lost a lot of weight being a nervous wreck. I work out and I fake my will power for pushing away food, when inside, my gut is always churning. I’ve lost control, I’ve lost my love life, and I’ve lost my self respect giving away so much of my power to the other woman. Right now, I feel she’ll always have my heart. I feel hollow. And yet, I feel that I attracted the most beautiful and loving person I have ever known. I am so much better to have known her. I am lost in this weird flow, and I am permanently changed. It’s as if my heart lost interest in my marriage and has tried to show me another way. If I am honest, I lose my wife forever. If I just cut her loose, I damage her no matter what, simply because I couldn’t control my heart. All I hope for now is my own sense of peace.

written by Tana, 18 June, 2009

I feel as I am being slapped in the face as I read these posts. There is so much that is said by everyone but these men seem to all say the same thing as far as that they are going to leave there wives...how mean there wife is and how wonderful I am...and I am what he wants! I just keep reading and thinking how stupid I am for falling for this! We have not had sex thankfully but it could have easily have ended up that way. He called one night and said he was done he was leaving his wife and he couldn’t take it any longer...I let him know that night because he has called and told me this on several occasions that I wasnt going to play this game any longer if he was going to do it then fine but if he didn’t I was walking away...because the ups and downs are just too much! Well guess what several days went by and he never showed up or called. About a week later I heard from him by text asking if I was mad at him...let him know he had made a choice and that was it...and no I wasn’t mad at him if he felt he needed to stay with her...then I could not be mad at him! I know I did the right thing by giving him an ultimatum...that could have gone on forever and then I would be in even deeper than I already am...Just want to tell everyone thanks for all your stories...and am so glad I found this sight so as I can keep making the right decision!!!

written by hurt by lies 1, 18 June, 2009

I am a wife of a cheating man,I feel sorry for the ow who is seeing him,I know what he says to me at home and when i confront him with the questions of cheating, I wonder sometimes what lies he is telling her, because i know the lies i hear rip my heart to shreds, If your married single or in a relationship, let go of the other person,make them own up to their lies they are telling you,the wife is at home being told all the lovey dovey sweet things and when he is with you he tells you the same,they are lying scum looking for cheap thrills and feeding their ego,I should be angry with the ow but I am not,in fact I wish she had the guts to speak with me,and we could set him in his place together,but i’m dealing with cowards,they hide they sneak,but yet i feel sorry for them,I hope that some women out there will read this and dump her lying cheating married man,because thats all they are is liars,their time for payment will come,they will get what they so deserve hurting people for their own greedy selfish needs,feeding their ego and destroying a person who has most likely given them their life and the best years of it,
ladies think before you act,it can never turn out good,he lying to be with you he’s a liar and a cheat you/we all deserve better

written by Tortured but Ready to Take the Next Step, 19 June, 2009

WIVES:
You guys are unbelievable – if you have moved on, forgiven your cheating husbands, and are so happy with your lives now that the affair is over with, then what the hell are you doing wasting your so called happy married lives looking up websites like this? You are only re-living it !

You will always be obsessed by us (we will always haunt you) – you clearly can’t forget and move on because you are here writing abuse (a clear sign that you are not over it because you are still harboring anger) !!! The day you have truly moved on, feel good about yourself within, and can believe in your marriage, will be the day you don’t need to read this website anymore !!! You should definitely not be wasting your energy if things are so fantastic, but obviously you can’t get us OW’s out of your heads !!! How sad !!! No wonder your husbands cheated... you would fucking drive me crazy because not only are you stuck in the past, you just can’t seem to drop it !!!! On, and on, and on......grow up and show some maturity (sticks n stones people – remember???).

Anyone that abuses one another on this website deserves to be miserable (that goes for OW’s and Wives). It’s incredibly childish and I can’t believe that adults are engaging in such ridiculous behavior. Go and be happy.

This post will hopefully make you realize just how ridiculous you all sound in your small personal attacks.

May everyone live and learn from their mistakes and find a harmonious end to all of this.

written by Sad and Regretful, 19 June, 2009

To Stat Man:
I know exactly what you are going through. A lot of people want to blame the OW or OM for breaking up the marriage, but the marriage is usually over (or in a lot of trouble) before that other person even shows up in the picture. Actually, that’s the reason they show up, because the marriage isn’t working. You did the right thing by getting out of the marriage and not continuing the charade and possibly cheating on your wife. I wouldn’t want some one to stay with me out of obligation for my child. Like you said, it isn’t healthy for anyone. I have been separated for 6 months now. It was very hard at the beginning, especially with all the pressure from family and friends. It takes a lot of courage to leave. It’s easier to stay, but a cowardly thing to do (if you are no longer in love with your spouse). But Wives, do not get me wrong, of course there are thos MM that do realize they love their wives and would rather work it out at home. As long as the love is there, and both parties are willing to forgive and move on... more power to you. It is however wrong to assume that all MM are just using the OW. We have seen a couple of posts here by MM who fell in love with their OW, so it’s wrong to generalize. I for one found a very deep love in my OM (who isn’t married), and my husband now understands it’s better for us to take our lives in different directions. Once the "ego" is out of the way, people may have a more clear view of what is really going on: the marriage wasn’t working. For this there are only two options in my opinion: Fix it, or get out!
P.S. I am no longer "Sad and Regretful". I am now free and ready to start over

written by Not Easily Broken!, 19 June, 2009

Hello Everyone, The reason that each and every person is on this website is either they have cheated or been cheated on. It is not a good feeling either way it goes. To the women who have been hurt(wives) you too are here not because you want to hurt those who have hurt you, but because you are hurt. This site is healing for all. I pray that God will heal each and everyone of you and fill all of your hurt with Love and Happiness. No matter how bad you (ow) feel, Thank God that you are given another day to move forward. I have faith that you all will be ok. Look at yourselves in the mirror and let yourself know that you are beautiful inside out and just know that you are not easily broken.

Blessings!

written by sunnyday, 20 June, 2009

Tortured,
Are you for real? You believe a wife should just "move on" when she is enduring one of the most horrific experiences of her life? When she realizes the person she put her love and faith into, cheated???? You dont think theres going to be a life long feeling of anger?

I dont know what kind of person you can be, for thinking an act like an affair can easily be put behind you! Well, Hey, you are an OW, you cant be too smart to begin with!

And for the record, its not the OW that haunts us..it the betrayal of our husbands, you are just the easy whores they find who are stupid enough to believe their lies, You are nothing special, they are out looking for someone to fill a void in their life for whatever reason, there are some smart females that will send them on their way, they dont become the ow,the desperate selfish woman, in need for affection or sex who will do it with any man available! You arent anything special Are you kidding me!

My husband cheated, he was and is a very good man,, he thinks he should be forgiven because he made "one mistake"...his mistake destroyed me, thats a fact, I will never be the woman I was before all this! You can kiss my ass for not letting this go and moving on, I am a deeply committed person and no matter how bad it got, I knew better not to involve anyone else, he didnt, it kills me...you come stand in my shoes! I am trying now very hard to understand all this, its hard for me to comprehend, because I have never engaged in just "sex" with anyone, (which is what he says it was). The only thing going for him was that I know what was going on in our lives during this time, therefore, I decided to give him another chance to be the man he was before, and luckily for me, hes has become a man that has exceeded my expectations and our life is beautiful.The fact that he turned to someone else will always make me angr!.

I found this website when I first found out about his cheating, it has helped me immensely, so I am still on it because I like the information and some of these posts from wives to ow are AWESOME! LOL! They make me smile!

So, who cares really what you think about us wives ! Why are you on this sit? Shouldnt you be in a bar hitting on some married man or something???????? Making him realize hes better off at home with his wife????

The real fact of the matter is....the WIFE haunts you desperadoes! You cant believe you meet this man so miserable in his marriage..but doesnt want to leave it for most of you! LOL

written by sad person, 21 June, 2009

I haven’t written here for a while – but check back from time to time.
I agree with ‘not easily broken’ and ‘Tortured’ wholeheartedly. None of us escape unscathed and we should never judge others – apart from the fact we don’t know all the details – we are all human and vulnerable. I was struck by ‘in the flow’ because my situation is virtually identical. I am in a deep emotional relationship with a MM (I am a MW) – known him for 6 years- we have not crossed the line but when we meet we cannot stop touching and hugging. It is a very sweet and caring relationship and his eyes always tell me he loves me – (more powerfully than words). He shares his innermost worries and feelings with me and we laugh a lot when we are together. BUT – like you ‘in the flow’ I have lost my feelings of contentment and peace. We broke up for six months recently (the strain of the secrecy became too much for me) – but it was so painful. We could not go through with it and are now so relieved and happy to be back together. I didn’t intend to fall in love – it just happened. Not seeing him did not change that – I don’t think I will ever stop loving him. My husband doesn’t know and yes I worry about the damage I am doing to our marriage. So for now I am trying to keep both relationships – accept the fact that I have lost my sense of peace because the alternative of not seeing my OM is more unbearable. (There is no question of leaving our partners/families – we would hurt too many people and could never be happy in doing so/ guilt would be consuming). I make do with moments of happiness with him for which I am grateful. (The pain of our separation is still fresh) – and yes I would like it to be physical but think the intensity of feeling would be too much for me to take on. I am not deluded I am a realist and focus on getting on with my life in other ways – not let this relationship dominate. Learn to live with it. I also focus on being kind to my husband. I am uncertain as whether I / we can carry on in this way but for now it is the best I can do.

written by Hurt-by-lies-2, 22 June, 2009

To Hurt By Lies:

He comes home to you and is so lovey dovey, you enjoy and believe it. Yet you are fully aware that he has OW, and you want to hook up with her so you can both blast him. Did it occur to you that both of you are enjoying the words, and both of you are insecure. As you both are allowing a liar to make you feel whole? Maybe you feel your winning, and maybe she feels she is, but in the end both of you are loosing. You know of her, and naturally she knows of you. Your both holding on to win the prize, yet you both know that once a cheater always a cheater, and the prize that your living with is your burden. Look at it this way you won, he’s home and your sharing. Who won???? YOU DESERVE BETTER AND THE OW DESERVES BETTER!!!!

written by achingheart, 23 June, 2009

Same story here...MW involved with a married man. Actually the affair ended when my husband found emails. I was with the "other" man for a year and half. He told me that he had never loved anybody in all his life the way he loved me. Never kissed or made love to another woman the way he did to me. He pursued me after my husband emailed him letting him know that he knew. He begged me not to turn my back on him. I got was being pushed in every direction by him, friends, and a marriage counselor. I told his wife about the affair within an hour of him telling me how much he loved me. I became the "f*@king c&*t. He tells people that he lost all feelings for me the second that I told his wife. He provided blatant lies of what our affair entailed to my husband. My heart is completely broken. If he had given me a little bit of space, I would have been able to think more clearly. I am so confused. I know that I have to let go but it is so difficult. I go back and forth from wanting him to wanting to keep my family together. The emotional connection that was lost seems irreplaceable. I am trying so desperately to get it back with my husband but it seems impossible.
Does the heart heal? Please help. The feeling of despair is becoming to much.

written by MIserable, confused and lonely, 23 June, 2009

It has been 7 months since I was last with my M/M. Time has helped ease some of the pain, but I still long for him. I still want him. I see him everyday and wonder why he doesn’t want me anymore. He started flirting with me again, and calling me and we had a long phone conversation. He told me that it got back to him that one of my coworkers told the others about our affair. He was mad at me for telling her in the first place. I apologized to him and said that I screwed up. I hate that I lost him in the process, but sometimes you have to learn the hard way. He told me that he wasn’t mad at me anymore. He said that there were days that he wished that we were still "screwing around". Stupid me....I miss this a-hole for what reason? When it comes down to it, all I am to him is sex, a blow job. Is that any gratification for me? I still smile and bat my eyes when I see him. I guess that I just want to be screwed. I have to get strong and get this asshole out of my system.

written by finallystoodupformyself, 24 June, 2009

Dearest weepingwillow and wiser....thankyou so much for your words.You know, friends can make their comments about all this but dont get it, they have not been there. But you do!!!! Especially about the googling and the listening to old voicemails!!! I truly think that something spiritual brought me to find this thread. LETS ALL BE DETERMINED TO NOT BECOME THE CLICHE!!!!
Let us not be victims and lets remember...Ladies, we will get through this self destructive, insecure, vulnerable and childish phase one day....but they have to live in their frustrated, uninvolved, deceptive bodies and minds till the day they die. We will find good relationships and good men with whom we can be honest and true...they will forever have to live with lies!
So while we are feeling like victims, lets remember, we will move on from them, and they are stuck with themselves forever....Who’s sorry now! Hee hee.
We are giving them everything..... lets take it back!

Ps: To all of you poor wives out there....please go to a thread called "i’m pretending i am over the fact that my husband is a lying cheating pig by blaming the other woman and calling her names, when actually i am still deeply insecure about the fact that i made a huge mistake marrying a complete neanderthal asshole who cant keep his dick in his pants" and leave this thread to us who need it. This is no place for your venom and insecurity....please direct that where it belongs...YOUR HUSBANDS! (thank you again wiser and weeping willow, i hope you are doing well xxxxxxxx)

written by Wiser, 26 June, 2009

Enough already with accusations and pontifications!

No one can ever know another’s situation. I don’t care if you have been cheated on, if you have been the cheater, if you have been the victim, if you are victimized.

Here is the deal: When an affair happens, it sucks.

I do not believe, for one second, that someone sets out to put themselves or their spouse through this type of pain. There are issues, deep issues, below the surface, that allow for these situations to happen.

Stop judging, stop condemning, and start looking at what role each of you have played in this very painful dynamic/triad. It sucks to be this bewildered, this hurt, this much in pain.

I was betrayed. I also participated in the betrayal. No, I didn’t just fall into an affair, but I did end up in one, and no matter how I dissect it, no matter how much I condemn myself, the other man, or the man that I was married to...

At the end of the day, there was a whole lot of hurt. And there were issues that needed to be dealt with.

In my case, the people who judged me in the most harsh manner were the very same people who had been dabbling in many other extra marital affairs for years. That my friends, is hypocrisy.

So, let’s help each other move past the pain and begin to understand each other.

written by Tana, 27 June, 2009

Ok, I wrote not to long ago and the MM that I was talking to had decided he was leaving his wife it was done...well he did’t leave...that was about 2 weeks ago...we work together so we do have to talk to each other...in the past 2 weeks i have maybe spoke to him twice but it was all business and it was like nothing had happened. Well he called last night and was just telling me that he hadn’t called because he didn’t want to hurt me anymore than he already had...I had told him he made his choice and we were good...that we would just remain friends just as it should be...but he says thats not what he wants that he wants to be with me but he can’t leave his son...I understand him not wanting to leave his son...I have 2 daughters of my own and I can’t imagine leaving them. I don’t know what to do...I have stayed away from him as much as possible, I have not called him except for work related issues...but when we talk there is something between us...like I said in my earlier post we have not had sex...but this going back and forth is so hard...I read these post from other women and I know that these don’t work out...but when we talk he makes it seem as if it could. I’m so confused...I’m fine until I hear from him and then it all just comes back and we talk as if we have never been apart. We have such a good time when we are together we don’t even have to do anything we just love being with each other!!! What do I do...I can’t seem to walk away even though I know I should!

written by owandnewwife, 27 June, 2009

I was the other woman in an affair. Quick background, he was married for 8 years when we met 2 years ago, having the usual "marriage problems" you all know the usual, wife this and that, etc, the bull shit!

But anyway, now we are married..going on 1 year...He’s acting goofy, I can sense "something"...hes always got his phone...its locked...his email account, locked, etc.
Working late, going out with friends...so now, the excuses he gives me are the ones he would tell me he gave wife.

We are home one night, he gets a phone call, looks disturbed and leaves....wont tell me a thing! I was able to get into his email account, and found emails to x wife, telling her, how his life is so messed up, he should have worked things out with her, he sorry, wants another chance!!!!!! I am dumbfounded! He is slamming me to HER!

I confronted him and now he says he was panicing because she is getting married

I wish to god, I would have stayed away...I knew better, I really did. My mother told me, hes no damn good and he would do it to me.

Believe me, no one gets the prize when someone cheats. NO ONE!

written by phillychick, 27 June, 2009

Ok, so you ow’s, you have affairs with men that are marred, let me ask you this, why do some of you harass the married man when he wants to break it off? Are some some of you really that delusional telling yourselves that he really loves YOU and hes going back because the wife is NUTS or the kids have problems (thats my favorite...lol)..or could it be that hes letting you down gently so you dont go "psycho crazy bitch" on him ?

I guess that thought hasnt ever crossed your minds after reading some of these posts!
Men will use women, women let themselves be used. That is exactly what you are doing when you sleep with a married man or any man without a commitment! And when you meet a man who decides, he wants to be with someone else and you arent doing anything for him...let him go, quit making a fool of yourself!
That goes for wives and ow’s. People will be with who ever they WANT to be with , if hes giving you excuses, hes trying to let you down gently. Move on!

There is nothing more pathetic than a lonely desperate woman making a complete fool of herself after she let someone else make a complete utter fool of her!

written by feel like a fool, 28 June, 2009

I am a married women and have been having an affair with a married man for the past 4 years. We were friends first, hang out together socially quite a bit and over time crossed the line. This relationship developed into the closest friendship I’ve ever had...my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. Neither of us planned to leave our families. We chose instead to "stay in it for the children".

We’ve gone through ups and downs like any relationship, but we were committed to working through the difficulties. Recently he’d seemed distant and preoccupied. Then a week ago he confessed to me that he’d reconnected with an old friend (also married) on facebook, they’ve been talking, getting closer. Now he’s confused about us and what he wants. I know he’s met her secretly a few times over the past few weeks, talked and kissed, while I haven’t seen him for private time during the last few weeks.

I never saw this coming. I thought what we had was indestructible, but right now I am utterly destroyed and heartbroken. I’m not getting near enough sleep, I have to force myself to eat a little something each day then try to keep in down. My stomach is so sick. The gut wrenching sobs have stopped but have been replaced with run of the mill crying, anger, and bitterness. I think of little else.

Because of the nature of our relationship, I have no one to talk to, no one to help me pick up the pieces, no one to provide comfort. I don’t know how I am ever going to get over this. I’ve been rejected by the one I thought was the love of my life. All he can say is he’s sorry, he still loves me, his feelings for me haven’t changed, doesn’t want to lose me but he doesn’t know why he is doing this, he’s confused.

I can’t hang in limbo like that while he just gets closer to her, messages her, chats with her, sees her while waiting for him to decide. I’ve asked him if what he’s putting me through is worth it, he says no. I asked him if he’s happy with what he’s doing, he says no. I asked him if he’s willing to stop what he’s doing to salvage a relationship with me and he says I just don’t know what I want right now. Even if he did though, I don’t know if I could trust him again enough to make it work.

I go between feelings of hating him for doing this, knowing I don’t deserve to be treated this way and knowing I could never totally trust him again to desperately wanting him to pick me, come back to me, make it work with me. I miss what we had and want it back. He’s been an every day, intimate part of my life for the past 4 years. I still love him, want him, need him in my life. I don’t know what to do, how to go on, how to heal or how to repair our relationship if it comes to that.

Please don’t be too hard on me, I’m feeling very fragile. I just need someone to understand and hopefully help me through this.

written by golfguy, 28 June, 2009

I am a mm who cheated.
It was the worst choice I ever made in my life.
For the rest of my life, I will feel like a piece of trash.

I have never felt lower in my life at that time, I thought I lost it all, self respect, respect, friends, and most importantly, my best friend and lover- my wife.
I wish I would have put more faith in our marriage.
I will regret that I did not till the day I die.

I love you Audrey , with all my heart and my soul. You have made me the man you always dreamed of having. Let me cherish and love you, forever.

written by Finally Ready, 28 June, 2009

I’ve been involved with a MM for 4 years. Like lots here, it started as a friendship at work and progressed to more. When he got another job I figured it would eventually end on its own, but it didn’t. I knew from the start that he wouldn’t leave his wife and even that he loves her. But I truly believe in the four years together he loves me too. Losing the friendship and person to confide in will be the most difficult. We have shared alot more than just sex, that isn’t what we were all about, but wanting more and not being able to have it has finally brought me to this point. Thank you to all the OW for your encouraging words, I’m gonna need them in the coming weeks! I hope I can be strong and walk away, keeping the good memories and letting go of the bad.

written by Finally Ready, 28 June, 2009

Thank you to all the OW for your encouraging words. I am divorced and been with a MM for 4 years. Like many, we started as friends at work, when he got a new job a year and a half later, i figured it would end. But obviously it didn’t. I knew from the start that he wasn’t leaving his wife, even knew that he still loves her. Our affair is not all about sex as many wives think. Actually, it is more about the friendship. I do believe he loves me. We have been through many ups and downs, but it is time for me to move on and make a life for myself. Please ladies...if you’re thinking about being the OW or newly in a relationship like this....RUN!! I will always treasure the good times we had together and will miss our friendship dearly, but it has not been good for either one of us emotionally. Get out now, move on, get happy....we deserve it too!

written by sunnyday, 03 July, 2009

to shed some light....cheating happens when people lose respect for their mates. that opens the door to pandoras box.

the cheaters and the people they cheat with, accomplish nothing. their lives become lies, they usually developer guilty feelings and start losing their own self respect,

They spiral down to a low low level in life..then the pressure starts...om/ow wants mm/mw to make a move away from spouse....usually mm/mw realize..this fantasy land they are in isnt really worth the trouble and tries to end it.

spouse usually finds out, no one wins. trust is broken, faith is broken, love is tested.

see it for what its worth, its a broken relationship between husband and wife, but not one that is impossible to fix.

written by hurt by lies 1, 03 July, 2009

you should be ashamed of yourself PERIOD !!!
you have a husband and your destroying someone elses life by having your affair, you need to take a long good look at yourself in the mirror,you are a terrible person, you are just hurting people, and disgracing yourself by seeing another man and lying to your husband,you could have helped it( falling in love, you have a husband you are supposed to love him, if you wern’t cheating and destroying lives maybe you could work on your marriage, if thats not what you want then why don’t you get out instead of lying and cheating,

written by Lynn Jones, 04 July, 2009

Just to let you all know that 1 Week ago I thought my World had ended! I came across this Site and can only say for me is has been a lifesaver!!! It is so reassuring that there are so many OW out there and now I dont feel so totally isolated and alone. I hope that l day soon I will post my story too, for all the stories Ive read have gave me so much inner peace and calm that I dont think I would have found otherwise. Ive got a long way to go but hope I can continue to follow the footsteps of others and walk and stay away hopefully going down the right path this time. Thanks to all involved on this Site it has indeed got me through the start of the Journey!!! My saying is Yesterday will be Perfect now lets focus on tomorrow!!! Wish me luck its a long Journey!!!!

written by Letisha S. Woodman, 06 July, 2009

LADIES, HERE’S YOUR CHANCE TO SHARE YOUR STORY

Are you a wife whose husband has had an extra-marital affair?
OR

Are you the "other" woman?

New Author, Letisha S. Woodman, would like you to participate in the writing of her Autobiography chronicling the devastating affects of adultery in her marriage.

If you’re interested read below:

New Author, Letisha S. Woodman, is writing her autobiography detailing her personal, spiritual, emotional and mental fight with adultery in her marriage as a Christian woman and wife. The Autobiography’s preliminary working title is: "Woman to Woman: The words of a mistress to a wife." We want to hear from the wives AND the mistresses; here is your chance to share your feelings and/or your side of the story.

In her autobiography, Author Letisha S. Woodman will be exposing the real and raw emotions of adultery by sharing her own personal pain and the truly devastating emotional toll that adultery takes on a wife and a family. Her book will be open and honest while sharing detailed accounts of how she became informed about her husband’s affairs, conversations with the "other" women, her emotional ups and downs, her devotion to her life as a devout Christian wife and her struggle with her faith, her capacity to forgive (or not) and so on and so forth. The Author believes that her story will be unlike any other story shared on the subject. It will chronicle the events of her marriage, she and her husbands relationship before their marriage, her relationships with men throughout her childhood and adolescence all culminating into the story that she is now sharing as a woman. She hopes that by sharing her story that it will give strength to not only other devout Christian wives but to any woman fighting this emotional battle. The Author would like to point out that her book is not in any way a man-bashing nor a mistress-bashing book, it is a book about accepting personal responsibilities amongst other things; it is a heart-wrenching account being shared with the desire to help put an end to the overwhelming sense of the acceptance of this destructive act in today’s society. The Author believes that it is women that have the power to put an end to the path of hurt and pain caused by adultery if we simply take a stand of respect for ourselves and for all other women. Her true life belief is to do unto others what you would have them to do unto you.

A most intriguing aspect of the book is the last two Chapters of the Author’s autobiography, preliminarily titled: "Letters from the wife to the mistress" and the following Chapter is preliminarily titled: "Letters from the mistress to the wife." (You will not have to provide your real names).

What the Author needs from you is:
If you’re the wife, we want you to compose a letter as if speaking directly to the "other" woman involved with your husband. We want you to share your raw emotions, this is your chance to let her know how you feel. NO profanity permitted.

If you’re the "other" woman, we want you to compose a letter as if speaking directly to the wife of the husband you are or were involved with. This is your chance to share your side of the story, we’re not asking you to defend it, just share it. NO profanity permitted.

If you are interested in sharing your story and possibly having your letter published in the Author’s completed works, simply type the word "wife" or "mistress" in the SUBJECT line and send to: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it > This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ; you will then be provided with further simple instructions for writing and sending the Author your letter. There will be absolutely NO profanity or highly-offensive languages allowed in the letters that will be chosen to be published in the final works.

Thank you for sharing

written by a wife, 06 July, 2009

Here is the real deal, affairs just dont happen! People just dont "find themselves" involved in one!
It takes careful planning and lying to pull it off!

We humans have this wonderful gift called "self control" we also have this gift called "respect for others"...yet , so few of you chose to practice it!

And for the record...a spouse that is faithful, regardless of the gender, will never get over the betrayal...because it was planned knowing full well the pain and hurt it would cause the unsuspecting spouse when they find out, and believe me they do!

An affair is a wanton disregard for the person they chose to love and cherish for the rest of their lives!

Why do you ow think, this is something that can be so easily forgotten? Are you that cold or dead inside? Didnt you ever love someone so much in your life that you just put all your faith into them? Probably our husbands right?

I did not make a mistake in marrying my husband 9 years ago, although I thought I did, but at that time, he was a very good man, the best. I never thought it would happen to me in my marriage, none of us are safe.

This world is full of people with no morals , no self control or respect for marriage. To some, its only a piece of paper or something to do on a hot August day...(pathetic)!

I, I meant my vows when I said them. I am proud of myself for being who I am, I know deep down I am a good person and I couldnt ever hurt anyone like this.

I feel sorry for those of you who think only of yourselves and what you want.
You are helping this country become the sespool it is!

written by hurt by lies 1, 06 July, 2009

to hurt by lies2,
i,m sorry you seem to think you know the answers to my situation,
YOU DON"T
but just because you think you have the answers doesn,t mean you do, yes i said that ow and i should team up, because she is a coward,she hides she sneaks, lets get the shit out in the open since she thinks she is so special,why hide,thats what i said, or do you understand what you read,And if my husband is wanting to work on our marriage then i will also try,
but i feel if you are going to be with someones husband don’t do dirty shit and hide like a coward,it’s clear that you are a coward because you do shit behind my back and are afraid to face me, so i called her out,she cannot face me she knows she is and was wrong,
I have a commitment here with this man not her,and If i want to hear the truth from her and anyone else thats my business not yours,
when you are under my roof you can tell me what i feel,
just like her you don’t know shit about me,but the assumption you have made and with her the lies she chooses to believe to ease her own guilt,i am married to the man, he betrayed me but yet won’t let go of me, so she is the insecure fool allowing herself to be used and made into a lowlife,I am secure with myself and i will always have me to make me happy,
,but to have a man use you knowing he has a wife and you only see him periodically when he sees fit is sad,
does she have any dignity for herself, that is what i,m asking her,
as i said i know what he tells me, doesn,t mean i believe it, but i know he is married to me and won,t let go,
so he is a liar and cheat who wants his cake and cookies too, and as long as their are women like her it will happen,women with no respect for themselves,no self esteem,no pride,
if she didn,t know he was married whole new situation, she knew she didn’t care,
i have stated here many times how i feel sorry for all involved in this type of situation everyone is being lied to,and it will go nowhere but into more lies,,

written by Not Judgemental, 06 July, 2009

Dear Feel like a fool,
I am so sad for you :-( You are obviously in a lot of pain. I am a firm believer that each person chooses what they want in their lives. You have a choice now. You can choose to move on and stop suffering over this relationship that apparently has come to an end. You cannot choose for the other person though. It seems like he has already made up his mind, but probably doesn’t want to hurt you by telling you. That feeling of "love" usually fades by the 3rd or 4th year with anyone. The sooner you accept this cycle of your life has come to an end, the sooner you can begin to heal. Good luck to you.

written by Tana, 07 July, 2009

To owandnewwife,
I read your post and I’m going to take your advice and run before this happens to me. I was reading and I just thought this is crazy, he will do this to me also!!! I hope everything works out for you! I just would like to say a Thank you to everyone for writing there stories! I can honestly say what makes this so hard is that i am more than willing to walk away but he keeps pulling me back...Not this time I’m walking because I dont want to look up in another few months and kicking myself for letting this go on!

written by atpeace, 08 July, 2009

I’ve read all these posts..its been years for me..and I’d like to say....I was a wife that was faithful and very unhappy in my marriage...my husband was unhappy to and was unfaithful....we were just hanging on by a thread......

He had a fling...afterwards, his life was put in perspective by the life altering moment and he became a changed man and I decided to give him another chance, knowing nothing about her.... the OW! Ow was heart broken when he ended it as guilt was killing him inside,she told me about affair..hoping she could destroy our reconciliation...she almost did.

We were too strong at the point when she called me, our love for each other and our marriage was the strongest its ever been.
Was I hurt, yes, because at that point, I loved him so much, I couldnt stand the fact he was with someone else, now, ask me that question before we reconciled, and I would say, I wouldnt have cared less.

I see some of the spiteful words back and forth here and I want the wives whos husbnds are back and are working on the marriage to realize one thing...the best revenge (or payback) to ow is to live a happy life with the object of their affection! Your husband! It took me a while, till I finally realized, they are nothing but a used woman..ow get nothing from him at all..except his body for a few hours , and bodily fluids.. We have his heart and his soul!

I see alot of hurt wives posting on this site and check it from time to time to put my perspective into this..I hope it helps you wives.

The ow, well..theyre lost and I’m glad they have this site to post on and luckily most find their way back to respect and dignity, which they seem to lose believing that "love conquers all!".

Again, living a happy life with your husband, the life they want......is the best revenge!
Stay off this section, except if you want a good laugh at them....!

written by finallystoodupformyself, 08 July, 2009

Good luck Lynniebabe999!!!
I wish you future love and happiness, and remember girl. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Dont do anything rash (calling ,texting, getting drunk and emailing etc....) and just take each day one at a time. That’s all we can do.
Lotsa love xx

written by Hurt-by-lies 2, 09 July, 2009

Thank you for passing judgment. Don’t be angry with me, you should direct your anger with the person that you exchanged vows and promises of cherish love in sickness and in health, till death us do part.Or another woman which ever comes first. And how many OW’s has there been one, two, three, think hard how many you don’t know of. I don’t want him, he is full of shit, you can understand him and you can have him. I have heard his lies and don’t care to analyze and decipher the truth every time he opens his mouth. I would rather use my focus on my career and me, then his bullshit. Remember you are one great lady that deserves better, give it to yourself and be happy.

P.S. I am happily divorced!!!

written by uphill battle, 09 July, 2009

my significant other cheated on me last year, I heard all the excuses and crap that goes along with it. It’s no party as all of you know, trying to deal with this. We have been trying to work it out but the more work I put into it, the more I feel like I’m drowning. I know this is a site for the OW, but this is exactly why I came in here, to read your sides, your stories, it could happen to me, it hasnt but I’m aware that it can happen to ANYONE. I try not to hate, I try to forgive but half the time I end up hating myself for it. Did I cause this? according to some of you, i did, according to others, i didnt. I dont know, we are all put in screwed up situations to learn but I’ve yet to learn anything. As previously stated, I am trying really hard to work on our relationship it just sucks that if I take a step back,for whatever reason, I get sh*t for it, like i’m supposed to just toss what happened aside becasue I decided to stay and try to rebuild. It hurt!! It STILL hurts and I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is slowly fading. Is he trying? hell i dont know, I feel too broken to notice. I’m too scared to look. My logic tells me to do the right thing for me but my heartache’s my confusion. I dont know what I want, I feel like I’m still in shock. How long does this last? Some of you ought to know, some of you OW/OM were the MW/MM at one point. I love him very much not only do I love him but I’m IN love with him (my heart and logic are not speaking to each other at the moment due to the constant fighting they get into over that one) I just have a hard time adjusting to the idea that someone whom I love so much who insists loves me as well(ha!), could have done this. I had many bad times where I could of slipped but didnt and worked through it, why didnt he? Perhaps in a relationship with two people one will always love more than the other. Not that the lesser one isnt passionate or meaningless but there is always the dream and then there’s the dreamer. Sorry if you feel this is not my place to post, just wanted help/advice from those who have been there on both or any of the sides. These situations suck, I feel for all of us.

written by Lynn Jones, 09 July, 2009

Hi all on the site past couple of days been really hell feel so sick when I wake up in the morning takes me all my energy to just get out of bed!!! But I have to earn my living and it gets me out of the house. Although no one at my workplace knows about my secret affair you seem to think that they all do and it makes you feel so bad. During coffee break struggling to hold back the tears but have to or they will ask you whats the matter with you?? But you know you cant tell them! Its been so so hard. Home at last at least I can post a little note on this site back among those who understand what its all about and sharing with you all my feelings and knowing yet again that you are not alone!!! That is the best part!!! Now I will try to sleep and hope that my dreams are not nightmares I have enough of these in my waking hours. Thanks again each and everyone of you that are feeling like this strength comes in numbers so let us try to be strong for each other!!! Take care and God Bless xxx.

written by Hurting so bad!!, 11 July, 2009

I have been dating a married man for 7 months. Met at work, have so much in common. His wife is much older than him and in poor health. He says she is a "good women" but never really loved her the way he should have. He says he’s trying to get his financial situation in order (no kids Thank God) then he will leave. I now hate my job because I’m constantly thinking about him and if I’m going to see him. It interferes with my performance. I can’t think about anything else. I feel like a 16 yr old. I can barely function. I love him so much. I am single and free to do what I want but sit home when I’m not working just thinking about him! How can I get my self esteem back? How can I control this obsessing? I want him so bad it hurts. Oh ya and I’m in counseling but keep thinking he’s different and he will end up with me. Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions??

written by Hurt-by-lies-2, 12 July, 2009

To all the woman on this blog be it your the wife or the other woman. Confront the liar together, don’t be cowards. It helps you both know where you stand. Instead of causing grief and thinking that what he is saying is right. It’s NOT!!!!!!!! Hurtbylies1 is right. Blast the S.O.B. Because that is the only way both will know what the real deal is. Then and only then will the truth come out.

I have been on both ends of the stick, married and cheated, and I have been the other woman, I know now that my self-esteem was not there since I allowed myself to be on both ends and endure, for the sake of love. A love that was not true to start with.

We all must love and be true to ourselves first then we will be more stable and able to allow true love to come in to our hearts. By true, I mean a person that will appreciate what we are and who we are. That will share in our joys, and our pain, that will seek to understand and then can be understood. Your thoughts are your life.

I must say one thing to all the married women here. (And please do not take offense) Most married men run after the OW pouring out undying love and affection, chasing them as if all doom and gloom is in there life, and the OW is there savior. We are only human. I thought that when my ex-husband cheated on me that the OW was after him, and I hated her, and tried to make my marriage work, to prove to me and her that he is mine and loves me. But he up and left for her, she was with him for a year and she dumped him.

When I was pursued by my married man, I did everything to avoid his advances, and told him that I am not that type of person. I even thought of calling his wife to tell her about it, but knew that I would loose as his department oversees mine. He was relentless and gentleman. A whole year & 1/2 of this. My resolve broke I allowed myself to be swayed. ( How I wish it never happened). He fell head over heels, making me feel like a queen. (What a fool I was.) I should have listened to my inner voice, whats too good to be true is just that NOT TRUE!!!!!

I am sorry for all woman here, and especially I apoligize to HURTBYLIES1. You were right and I hope your marriage works out. If that is what you want.

To all that are suffering my God bring peace and serenity into your lives. May you pass this period of anguish and become far stronger then you ever were. May God bring you the happiness in your hearts forever.

I am stronger and wiser,and have moved on.

written by hurt by lies 1, 13 July, 2009

to sunnyday::
You are so very right in what you wrote,
and it’s a bad situation all around,one lie leads to another and another and so on until the liar looses all self respect, self esteem and guilt just eats them alive,and maybe whoever they are cheating with starts to see them for who they really are also, a liar and a cheat,

written by Still in shock!!, 14 July, 2009

I wish I knew how to deal with the way I feel right now. My situation has been ongoing for 3 years and I just ended it. The married man I have been with was an old highschool friend of mine. He looked me up on Classmates about 4 years ago. We became penpals. I had already decided to divorce my hubby, and he was a good friend to me. I dated someone a short period of time during my divorce and he was my friend through all that too. All along I heard some of the trials he was having with his marriage and how it was failing as mine did. Ironically, for many of the same reasons.

Cutting to the chase, after my short relationship, and a few get togethers with him as a friend, he told me he was leaving his wife, but he would live with her until June 09, until his daughter graduated, but indeed they were separating and the marriage was over. His wife was on board too. Ok....so we entered a very intense relationship. Mind you at this time it had been well over a year being back in touch and I had already considered him to be my best friend and trusted what he said.

Things had been good, but there had been a few times I asked him if he ever had a change of heart on the marriage and if so, please let me know, as in my heart if a marriage can be saved, I support that first and foremost. He kept assuring me it was over, as I wanted that from him, no needed that as we were not living close by. We were long distance (2hrs) and saw each other every week, and often did little get aways. So I am thinking its all good right?

This year we finally had the big talk about moving in together by July after his daughters graduation, and it even went as far as to talk about his divorce process. (yes, I fell for that one, they were separated, but roommates and not telling the daughter til graduation) After all he told me BEFORE the sex he was leaving his wife when his daughter only daughter graduated, why wouldn’t I trust my long time friend? We began to look at homes as he told me he would be selling his home this summer, he put in to change his work schedule for 4/10’s, he told me he wanted to marry me in Hawaii and take our kids with us. All of it. I fell really hard after all this.

Every thing had been really good. The rare little lover spats that quickly resolved themselves, and that was that. Memorial weekend we had a lovely 3 day get away and spent much of the time firming up the plans for the end of June. He told me don’t ever break his heart and I said the same.

Heres the shocker. A week later he began acting strange. Okay stress at work, his only daughter graduating, anniversary of his Dad’s death, telling his daughter about the split and moving, etc. I thought okay, I’ll give him that and gave him some space. He had a two week work assignment and I thought, okay he’s in Florida and me California, it would be good for him. He came back even more confused. He said his head was not in the right place and he didn’t even know what to do. He said he needed time to know we were a "forever" couple. I was shocked. I asked him if he was gonna reconcile with his wife, he said no. I gave him more time as much as it killed me. We finally met up and spent a day together, talked and talked and finally felt some resolve. We both felt better and he said just a bit more time as he went on his annual fishing trip with the guys. Fair enough.

He came back the other day, and all of a sudden tells me the same thing, he is not sure. Again, I ask him WTF is going on? 7 weeks now! He said he is f**ked up in the head and he needs to get things straight. Again, I asked if he was going to reconcile. He got defensive, said no and told me he was not. I than asked him was he still going to go on with the plans to sell the house and move out, whether is be with me or his brother. He said right now he didn’t want to do anything. I told him IT WAS about his wife, he denied. I told him if he didn’t finalize it with her this was nothing but an affair. He got very defensive and angry with me, but you know what, he could give me nothing solid! I am so angry and feel so played like a fool. I have known this man since I was 14, we lived across the street from each other. He was my best friend way before sex, and so much more. How can he do this to me? I told him it was over, and when he gets his head on straight to let me know so he can get his S**T!!
So tell me, Did I have an affair, or am I just the stupidest woman on the face of the earth? I am broken! I put my life on hold for him. He loved my kids, my mother, my family, they all knew him. Now I am just left humiliated as he is home with his wife I suppose. The worst part, not only did I lose my lover, I lost my best friend too.

I have never dated a married man, (46 years old) and even if you think that situation is right as to not hurt others, guess what, it does. IT HURT ME!! I will NEVER make that mistake again, EVER!!

written by Friday@fourslast dance, 16 July, 2009

First, I am so grateful to find this board. I searched so many words knowing that there had to be something out there for the other woman who while deserves a kick also simply was foolish and loved too much.

My world just exploded in late June, and in truth god only knows if the aftermath for all is complete. Many similarities with most of the woman here and some more difficult differences.

I met my MM in November of last year, like everyone our chemistry was the first to be realized and from there the friendship/reality of a relationship grew. It’s funny that people assume we don’t have challenges that the affair is always just about sex. I know for us, we struggled with our decisions, and we were real in our relationship....which meant we weren’t perfect all the time and didn’t spend all hours fucking like monkeys.

We were based on "our" honesty from the get go, he shared a very difficult side of him with me and I was aware that he had been going out of the marriage with paid companions for well over 10 years. I was his first emotional affair but don’t think that had I not been it, he would have stopped looking. I thought I was smarter than that... asked all the right questions and we discussed us several times.

Contrary to what so many wives think, I did not want to break up their family, he don’t pretend to not care about her, they are entertwined in business, have two beautiful girls and a great "life"..... he simply never felt like he could be himself with her...not fully. The intimacy as he says they have come to realize never existed.

I am NOT knocking her and I spent two weeks feeling more guilt and concern for her than I did for him or me.. I truly believed I got what I deserved.

We are over, for so many reasons... we could never have a life built on such guilt and deceit, I believe we both knew that... it doesn’t change that I have found myself behaving in a way I never thought possible, nor does it change the raw pain I never experienced before.

I knew I had to let him go to be free, to work on this if he choose and it has been hell like I never thought possible.

Reading all this posts have maybe a little guarded when it comes to the wives saying it’s better than ever and I think knowing that I am a woman too..... I find it hard to believe that you can ever find peace when the man you thought you knew for 25 years has had a secret world hidden for 10 of those and on top of that has had a emotional affair with a woman for 10 months.

I get why you want to keep it together, I understand loving each other and I understand taking everything into consideration.

What I am trying to wrap my head around is how anyone thinks they can possibly heal from that? They immediately went into marriage counseling and initially we were still talking, even though we both knew it was over. He shared everything about his past and told both her and the councilor that I gave him acceptance and unconditional love. I felt so bad when I heard all he had told her... he has put such a large mountain in front of her to climb.

I only know me... and I know I would eat myself up knowing that another woman was special to my husband, that 10 years he had clearly lied to my face....time and time again.

I am no one to pass judgment, but before you assume the other woman wanted to destroy yours....understand that nothing is ever that black or white... especially when it comes to humans.

We will never be together....and it may seem hypocritical to some, but I do wonder why her self esteem is no better than mine..... how she can show her girls that someone who has been unfaithful for so many years, that its ok.

I don’t wish them pain at all... I do wish everyone here including the wives would understand that the real problem lies with the husband, you can blame us and I know I blame myself for having anything to do with it...but at the end of the day, browbeating the other woman isn’t healing either.

And I don’t think you can say that allowing a man to lie and cheat for years shows much for what true love and respect is suppose to be..... call it " I kept him’...call it " standing by him".... but you are not much different than us

We are in a great deal of pain, guilt, anger, and both of us are lacking confidence and self esteem.

Sad... but true

written by faithfulwife, 16 July, 2009

So, I need to share with the ow’s on this site.

My husband (who I no longer wish to have a relationship with because he cheated) wants to reconcile.

He met an ow while we were having marriage issues.
I just want you ladies to know, how these mm talk about you is nothing short of pure filth!

I feel for all of you that bare your souls for these selfish pigs and believe in them in any way.

we as women need to stop letting ourselves get used.

written by m&m, 16 July, 2009

is this not all too unfair?....why is there no OTHER MAN,that should also suffer and be devastated and thorn apart like all OTHER WOMAN does????!!!!

written by LettingGo, 16 July, 2009

Reading these posts has been therapy. I’m the "OW" and also married with 2 children. Was with a married man for a little over a year. Started out as innocent flirting at the gym, to a very physical relationship, and eventually we fell in love. 4 months ago he told me he couldn’t go on with the affair...looking over his shoulder,the fear of his wife finding out, and losing his children. I too was always concerned for my own spouse finding out, but continued to risk everything because he made me feel amazing and eventually I fell in love with him. I’m having a hard time moving on. Recently his life has become extremely stressful, he’s a doctor, his mother’s ill, and he’s trying to detach his feelings from me. I can’t help it, but I keep telling him I love him and want him back. He’s so stressed out he won’t take my calls and is adamant that it’s over...ultimately pushing me away. I’ve decided to stop pushing and let it go. It’s so hard. I’ve been weepy, depressed, and consumed by happier times with him. This is such a nightmare..I’ll never do this again. I need the strength to focus on my marriage and figure out how to forgive myself. It’s tragic being in love with someone you can’t have. To the married women/men that have been cheated on: I’m not saying it’s OK to cheat but you need to examine what was going on in your marriage before you start blaming the OW/OM. Believe me there were problems if she/he strayed.

written by Janeta, 19 July, 2009

I detect a lot of judgment in the many of the above comments, mostly springing from bruised egos. If you read through, you will notice that so many men and women involved in affairs live in marriages which lack true intimacy. When you find someone you truly love on a deep emotional level, why is it that societal expectations must take precedence? The love of my life is married and does not plan to leave his conventional arrangement. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me, but that he considers the terrible impact that divorce will have on his devoted wife of 40 years, children and grandchildren. We have wrestled with the ethical issues, and we know that neither of us can hurt so many innocent people by putting our needs first. At the same time, we are not willing to give up our love for one another. People come together to make families when they are young. Sometimes and very often they grow apart on truly intimate terms, leaving the good will of friendship and familial bonds to keep them together. That is love, but not the fulfilling love of a man and a woman deeply in love and connected to one another. My love and I have this. It is selfish to keep our love, but we are not so selfish as to hurt all of the innocents either. We accept responsibility for maintaining our own bond, our intimacy...and yes, though not sanctioned by the state or any other institution, our marriage outside of convention.

written by guiltridden w/no self-esteem, 20 July, 2009

I am on my 4th married man in 3 years. The first one was a weekend away with an old friend, the second lasted for about a year, the third about a month and the one I’m in now for a year and a half. I have gone over and over this pattern for so long now, trying to figure out why I would do this to myself. The only answers I can come up with are low self-esteem and fear of commitment/real intimacy. For someone like me, in a way, this is so much easier emotionally than a real relationship. Although the two long-term ones, including the one now, I would say I loved the person, and we do have our moments of real honest emotion, he isn’t mine and he never will be. None of them have ever said they will leave their wives and I really don’t expect them too, or want them to really. I see him everyday at work and we meet before or after work and when his wife goes away with the kids. I’ve met his children and he’s met mine. But if he left her for me, I KNOW this would scare me beyond belief and I would run far away. I say that but I am also lonely a lot, not being able to talk to him on the weekends, not hearing from him when I expect to because something comes up, not being able to talk to him whenever I want, is the hard part for me. Do I want to get out of this? the answer is, I really don’t know.

written by weepingwillow, 20 July, 2009

TO hurtinghusband June 13

How dare you? Seriously...That was probably the shittiest post I have ever read on this site. So your life sucks ass, b/c you are a lying, cheating piece of shit, and you are going to call the rest of us OW, pigs, and easy etc.? You have NO IDEA what we go through! We do not ASK to be put in such a horrible situation! I was told for MONTHS, "I love you! You are my soulmate. You are the one I was supposed to be with." So tell me that I’m an idiot, and I’m a pig, and an whore b/c I fell in love w/ a man who said these words to me! Maybe YOU didn’t love your OW, but do NOT speak for all the others. You are all liars, and unfortunately, you will say what you need to get in our pants. We do not set out to hurt ANYONE! I never wanted to hurt his wife! She doesn’t deserve it either! The only one in this situation that deserves to be hurt is the "hurtinghusband!!!!!!" You are the ones that create this problem. Things get a little stale at home, and your dicks aren’t getting attention, so you go out on the prowl for innocent, single women, make us fall for you, use us, and then throw us away! YOU should pay for your mistakes!

and to Sunnyday...the same goes for you! Maybe if you got on your knees a little, your man wouldn’t be out in a bar LOOKING for an alternate piece of ass!

***ANYTIME A MAN HITS ON ME, THE FIRST THING I LOOK FOR IS A RING!!!****

Now please leave us alone, and let us put OUR lives back together!

written by weepingwillow, 20 July, 2009

To lynniebabe

You have taken the first step, and yes, you have a long road ahead of you. I know that you feel like your life as you know it is over, right now, but I promise you, it WILL get better. You just need to be strong and give yourself time to let it get better. It is like an addiction...If you let yourself fall off the wagon, it’s that much harder to start over again. Start off with no contact. As much as it kills you. I wish you the best of luck

written by weepingwillow, 20 July, 2009

to : Feel like a fool

FKN FACEBOOK! It has ruined so many people’s relationships. Well, I am so sorry that you are hurting, but from what you wrote, obviously you are NOT this man’s soulmate, and love of his life. If you were, you would not have been so easily replaced. The exact same thing happened to me. My MM told me he loved me, and all the other BS, and then reconnected w/ an old friend on FB, and they are still together. I am out of that mess thank God, but it still hurts to think about what he did to me. You need to realize that he lied to you! You are better off without him. He will be with her for awhile, until he gets bored of that, and move on again. Men who can continuously cheat w/ many women are disgusting, snakes in the grass. It hurts, yes, but you are so better off w/o him

written by not alone yay, 21 July, 2009

i am single, and i’ve recently found myself as the other woman with a married man. (no kids, thank god!) we’ve just started things, and it is way too soon to tell where this will take us. i never thought i’d be in this situation, and was completely blindsided when it happened.

i will say though, i am glad i’ve found this site. we are well aware of the risks we’re taking, both with myself and with his life. i know that invariably, all of us will get hurt in some way. i’m consciously choosing to go down this path for now though. it is comforting to see other points of view, and to know that i’m not alone in this terrible/wonderful confusion.

good luck to all of you out there who are suffering, and thank you to everyone for sharing.

written by Hurt-by-lies 2, 21 July, 2009

Ladies, I hate to rain on your parade. But the minute you find out that he is married, RUN!!!!!!
Loves me, love him he has no kids, he is staying cause of the kids, she is bossy, she is fat, does not cook etc..... All a pack of lies. My MM said it all and then some. But I told him in no way am interested. If you are selling yourself short at home, what makes you think your doing the right thing with me. I refused to be a band-aid. They got divorced, but still I was reluctant due to his sketchy past. He was persistent and we happened. It was beautiful, great, a dream come true. Till he did not ask me would I have a baby with him, and I just could not do it. He then went back crying to his ex and pouring out heartfelt words, all
behind my back. WOW!!!!

She thought "I won him back," and boy did she. He is still corrupt and rotten in every aspect, oh yes he is a charmer, and he tells you words you want to hear, but if you are love-starved and feel insecure then good luck to you with your MM cause thats all they are. I am not proud of what I did and I really hope that first God will forgive me, and I can forgive myself. Lastly I seek forgiveness from his ex. I never let him bad mouth her, and I always said good things, regardless of the circumstances. I am not here to say it so all who read can judge me in a brighter light. I say this for it is the truth.

The pain that you endure in letting go and moving on quicker is worth it. NO CONTACT is the way to go. Allowing even 3rd party contact is not advisable as this still keeps you wondering of the coincidental possibility that you will see him or him you, and the passion that was will be reignited. NOT WORTH IT!

The one thought that keeps me afloat is there are 6 billion people on this earth, why should I allow 1 person that is taken to take my heart and mind and play games with it? We are all better then that. And to all the married ladies here, I sympathize and apologize. TO ALL WHO ARE HERE CRYING OR OVER IT I WISH YOU A SPEEDY HEALING AND A RAINBOW OF JOY AHEAD MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!

written by VOR, 27 July, 2009

[Part one...apparently my comment was "too long!]
Hello, I am brand new to this site and this is my first post. I registered precisely because I found this forum, which has been a complete godsend, and which I take as a sign that I absolutely did the right thing.

Before I go into my story, I just want to go back to the Original Poster to say: you did the right thing by ending the affair, and ZERO contact is the best way to cement that ending and move on. Good for you.

As for the advice in the first response about talking to a counselor or friend: absolutely. That helps enormously, and each conversation takes you farther and farther away, and onward, from the pain.

I literally just two days ago ended the affair I was having with a married man, and I am so very relieved. I feel as if I dodged a fatal bullet. Fortunately it lasted only 6 months, but what a roller-coaster ride from hell that was.

I am in my early 40s, amicably divorced for many years; I have a teenager; I work full time at a great job. He is 15 years older than me, married for 35 years to a perfectly fine woman who left the country a couple years ago. They’d get together for major holidays though, for the sake of their adult (but still single) children. And they recently took a trip together, to a very romantic destination.

[Part two to follow]

written by VOR, 27 July, 2009

[Part two...]
I met him around February of this year. He gave me the impression he was separated, and via mutual friends I did confirm that his wife had not lived with him for the past two years. But he would always be vague as to the reasons why. In the end I concluded that she, like so many wives, realized how little she shared with the man she married, after their adult kids left the house. I got to know him well enough to infer the (many!) reasons she was probably thoroughly fed up with him after 35 years of marriage, so she took off after the nest emptied.

I won’t go into detail about how ardently he pursued me, and how I eventually capitulated to his advances. It serves no purpose to go into how well the married man and I got along – it’s the same old story: we had instant chemistry, and awakened long-dormant feelings in each other we thought we might never feel again, blah blah blah. I won’t go into detail about the half-truths he told me, and the eventual revelations and epiphanies I had – the truth ALWAYS comes out.

The most important truth that came out is that his wife decided she wanted to come back and work things out with him, and he still tried to somehow keep me in a relationship with him, while telling his wife, sure, let’s work things out.

The bottom line is that even if I believed at the beginning – or wanted to believe – he was separated, that is NOT the same as being divorced, single, truly available for a good relationship.

[Part three to follow]

written by VOR, 27 July, 2009

[Part three...]
From the beginning I told him that all the feelings in the world couldn’t change the fact that he had issues he needed to address with his wife, issues that existed long before he met me, and if we went down this path, it would surely ruin any good and lasting future he and I might have together.

At least in the end he admitted that the problem lay with him, and that was his dilemma: his wife is a good person who has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve this. This is entirely HIS personal crisis. But like so many men (so sorry to generalize, guys!...more about that later, perhaps in another post or forum), he is weak, fearful, and doesn’t want to be the bad guy.

He tried very hard to have his cake and eat it too, begging me for "more time" while he figured things out with his wife.

As for me, what saved me is the knowledge that what we were doing was so wrong and dishonest. I also believe that if he could cheat WITH me...someday he’d cheat ON me. I deserve better.

The reason I never remarried after my divorce (which by the way was entirely down to me and my ex-husband, no third parties involved) is because I have been holding out for a truly good relationship with a worthy man, someone as available as I am, who I can decide to marry or not based purely on the state of our relationship, and not because one of us has an impediment to marriage. (I’ve dated and had relationships with some really fine, available men, but haven’t yet met anyone I wanted to marry, especially when my child was younger and I prioritized that, and my work.)

[Final: Part four to follow!]

written by VOR, 27 July, 2009

[Fourth and final post!]

I don’t want someone else’s man, and it is just wrong-wrong-wrong to do that to a fellow woman. Something has to be said for sisterhood. In a world where life is already doubly hard for us women, we should be helping each other, not hurting each other.

So, my two cents is: don’t do it! Never have an affair, whether you are married or single. Leave a married couple alone to solve their issues. Pursue your happiness, but Do No Harm.

My parents, who have been married for nearly 45 years, are the luckiest people I know, and that’s my goal: I want what they have. And I’m going to hold out for it. If in the end, it doesn’t come to me...oh well. There are still so many blessings I have in my life. But at least I won’t have won my happiness at the expense of innocent people.

written by hurtbylies1, 29 July, 2009

to hurtby lies2;;
I wish that you and i could write back and forth,You seem to have been in the situation I am in and then you were on the other side,there is so much pain here on this site,I tell myself i,m not coming back But i always do Because it comforts me,and angers me at the same time,So much pain here I don’t feel alone anymore,The way these men lie to the ow and then go home and lie to their wives is just unbelievable!!! I am hurting so so bad inside from my husbands betrayal but I feel there is a place waiting for him when he meets with God,For me I have been a great wife for so so many years,And to walk away would be devastation to my heart,And then my husbands tells me he wants us to work things out,he has taken himself to therapy and I told him he needs it,He needs to find out what his problem is,aside from not being happy with himself and so then everyone surrounding him is at fault for his unhappiness,because he is unhappy within himself,to the ow who post and think they are mightier than thou,In the end you will see as many here have found out,The truth will come out and you will feel the exact pain that this has all caused the betrayed wife.
But no one deserves this type of pain and I hope it makes each of stronger,Best wishes to all broken hearts here,keep your heads up and when brought to the choice of should i date this man and believe all that he tells me,WALK AWAY !!!! save your self respect and your dignity,just say NO!!!

written by weepingwillow, 29 July, 2009

to still in shock –
I’m afraid that yes, it was still an affair. Sounds like once reality set in, (time for you and he to take the serious plunge) he got cold feet, and realized he was safer right where he was, and was comfortable w/ your situation being just as it was. Obviously he had no intention of ever building a life with you. Like the rest of us, you were spoon-fed lies.

written by Miserable, Confused and Lonely, 30 July, 2009

It took me a good 6 months to finally be okay with the fact that I was no longer with my M/M. We had a really short, but incredibly hot fling that lasted 3 months. He told me up front that he was only interested in a FWB relationship. I thought that I would be okay with that. Turns out, no, impossible. Women are not wired that way. I never had sex with him, and I was kind of proud of myself for that. I would always tell him "no". I myself am married and had never done anything like this before, unlike him who has a track record 100 miles long. 7 months went by and we talked, but not like before. See he was mad at me because I told my co-workers. I told them because I wanted them to watch out for him, and not let him do the same thing to them that he did to me. One of them told him what I said. I deserved it, and I deserved him being mad at me. It took him 6 months to finally tell me what happened. One month later, he was calling me again, wanting to hook up. So I did. I said earlier that I was proud of myself for not having sex with him, but I wanted to so bad. I gave in this time, and didn’t say no. It lasted 10 seconds. It wasn’t worth it. I guess that I had it built up in my mind that it was going to me wonderful, magical and that I would just melt. WRONG!!!! Now I am regretting and full of shame and guilt. Were were together 2 times and now once again, we are done. A huge blessing in disguise for me. He told me that he was going to stop screwing around on her. She didn’t deserve it, she was good to his kids, and she gave them money without any questions. I simply said, that never stopped you before, why now? He said that we were better off being "buddies". I asked him why he even started up with me again, and he said that he didn’t know, he screwed up. Now that was a kick to the crotch!!

written by Miserable, Confused and Lonely, 30 July, 2009

Part 2:
He screwed up. Not, I made a mistake and realized that I didn’t want to hurt you anymore, just "I screwed up"
Now this whole time we are talking, we are riding around in his work van, because we are at work. I just sat there most of the time not speaking or looking at him, and he was begging for me to talk to him. I told him that I really didn’t believe him. He said do you want to know if there is someone else. I told him "no, I knew that there were others and I didn’t want him to tell me. But that peaked my curiosity, so I said, "yes, tell me, is there anybody else?" He said, "I screw around with a couple of girls, but am I fucking anyone else, no!" I decided that since I was going down that road of "beating a dead horse" I decided to ask him if he ever had any feelings for me. He told me that I wasn’t playing fair, that any way that he answered that, I would be hurt and that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. Eventually, he told me that he didn’t have any emotions or feelings for anyone except his kids. Not even his wife.
So, as I continue to pine over this asshole yet again, I also realize that he is the worst kind of asshole that is known. I am so glad that my husband didn’t find out about us and hope like hell that he never does.
I want revenge....I want to make him hurt, as bad as he made me hurt. Lucky for him I am not a revengeful person.
He has sent me emails, and called me a couple of times, just to cover his ass and make sure that I am not going to do something to him that could cost him his job or marriage.
Ironic huh!!

written by hurtbylies1, 30 July, 2009

to hurt by lies2:
you and i seem to be in the same situation,But me, I knew what was going on,I gave him enough rope to hang himself,and let his lies dig him deeper and deeper.
Ha !! so when i said goodbye who begged and pleaded,,i know of every single one,he thinks i don,t but i do,I know him she doesn’t.what and who you meet at work is not always who they really are,some people wear personalities on their sleeve,some behind other things,I’ve known him many many years,and she OW would never believe it is the same person,it,s all an act,
you see what they want you to see,and they tell you what they know you want to hear,,

written by hurtbylies1, 30 July, 2009

to hurtbylies2: I seem to find myself writing to you,I reread all of your posts and have decided that possibly are you trying to tell me something? if so i sent a email address for you to write to,And just to let you know,I have been more than in my husbands shit and on his ass,I am not one to just sit back like a puppy and take what is dished in my direction,Yes I am still here in this marriage by choice,As you stated we made vows,and we made a commitment before family friends and God,But apparently one of us is unable to keep their pants on and honor those words,Your comment regarding the woman I don,t know where that seems to fit in at all,I have given my life to my marriage and my man is now where he is in life because of me,and my support and of being just that a damn good wife,Some men just don,t appreciate anything that is done for them and feel they need to drag someone else into their madness,
I hope that you do write to me at the address i have sent if that letter is posted and if you have something you want to tell me then do so please ,Maybe you know somethings that I can use and maybe i can help you,
But i read these posts and see all the lies and deception these men use on women and they seem to fall for it every time,Are we as women so weak and love starved that we are blinded by the fact the man is wearing a ring,has a wife and family,what about all the lies he tells you,do we as women ever stop to think it takes two people to tango and how can one person be the sole provider of all issues wrong in the marriage,it just takes common sense use our heads this just doesn’t sound right,and how long have you been married,? That is the answer there,why has this person stayed married so long if they were so miserable,all it takes is common sense,and some of us women just don,t use it.There’s a young man who posted here how ashamed he now was with regard to his father,as he knows his father is cheating and is not man enough to own up,Same thing if you do it own up,call his bluff!!! let’s go talk to your wife and see how she feels about all these horrible things you told me about her,if we did that then maybe just maybe these lying ass’s would stop their shit.But don,t play their game and don,t beat around the bush,if you have something to say to me then by all means spit it out and come talk to me,because if you know who i am than i welcome to hear what you have to say,what you have been told,I;ll give you fact over fiction,I feel heartache for the betrayed wife or husband and i feel for the ow/om it’s wrong no one wins and I go through this journey now to rebuild my trust in my husband,I don,t know if my heart will mend,I hear him begging don,t leave me but when you have been totally destroyed emotionally who’s to say,But noone deserves to hurt like this no one. and it can end with common sense.JUST SAY NO !!!
DON’T BE THE MANS FOOL THEY DO IT TO US EVERY TIME,
and yes miss lady i do know how many there have been,
i,m no fool,just a good woman and a loving careing wife who was lied to and lied about,and now they want to hold on for dear life,,,
but honestly who knows him better me or her?
i know the real him,the one you will not see because he will stay here in his comfort zone ,hiding his flaws and insecurities to the one who knows him the best and knows his good bad and ugly,and thats just the way it is,all of this may make us stronger or it may break us only time will tell,but as i said before,don,t always believe what you see or hear,men lie!! and believe me i know the real him,,, keep your chins up ladies there is a good single man out there to treat you like the queen you are,don,t settle for second best,there are far too many diseases out there to put your life at risk for a liar.
God Bless and watch over you all,,

written by hotbabe, 31 July, 2009

You know what cracks me up weeping willow? You!
I’ve read your posts. Arent you the woman who is sleeping with a FRIENDS husband????

Hurting husband laid it on the line for you. Half you women are tramps, and Im judging you are, by your statement "getting on your knees". obviously, thats all the married man wanted from you. And frankly, if you have to degrade yourself and do that to a man you ARENT MARRIED TO, what the hell does that say about you? At least a whore gets paid for a bj, what the hell did you get? A broken heart?

You imply that its the wife not satisfying the man sexually, for him to seek sex elsewhere? You really dont know too much about the subject! Im sure hurting husband would have loved nothing more than to have his wife with him instead of a slut. You dont know every case why the husband is out doing what hes doing...in my case, I was gone! But the minute I told him I wanted to work on things, he left his ow high and dry!
She too thought that a blow job was the way to his heart too, you think you can find these guys having marital problems and with sex, you can win him over...LOL!
When are you going to realize, sex is an "act". It means nothing without love, when a man loves a woman, it doesnt matter how many bj’s the ow tries to give him, hes coming back home! And any man who is looking for that new into the relationship, is telling you one thing, he knows you are a pig!!! Ask any man!
I work with guys and sometimes I hear them talking....they say "yeah, shes good for a blow job!" Nice, isnt it. How do you feel about that? To me, thats more personal than sex....but then again, thats just me!

written by Lynniebabe9990, 01 August, 2009

Hi all my friends that is what you are to me now!!! Well 4 weeks have passed by since I last saw him. Its been real tough its like not really happening to me? I guess all of you feel or have felt like that at some stage after its ended. Its like losing a limb that cannot be replaced. What keeps me strong is there is so many of us in this position. It will take a while to re adjust to life without him in it, but I guess our 18 months together had to come to an end sometime. At no time did I ever think I would be with him on a permanent basis we both knew that would be impossible. Thanks for the couple of posts from weeping willow and finally stood-up for myself they were greatly appreciated and note what you both say. Im at the stage of really wanting to contact him but there is no point there is no going back to what we had together once the bubble burst. Everything happens for a reason and thats what I must wait to discover. The highs were fantastic during our time together but the lows in between seeing him made you feel in the depths of despair. In this journey of life we cross paths with many people and what is meant for us wont go by us. Im keeping on down that road now and wont turn back although Im stumbling a bit just now. Thanks again to all my new found friends you all take care and God Bless xxx

written by Hurt-by-lies-2, 09 August, 2009

To Hurtbylies1

They did not post your email address blog. I guess we will just blog back and forth.

I don’t know you or your situation, aside from what you wrote on the blog. I was drawn to you as I have used the (hurtbylies2) for a while on different blogs, and when I saw you here I commented on your situation.
My apologies if I offended you in anyway.
There are days that I feel yuck and then there are days I feel strong, and it reflected on my writing.

I know when cheating happens it is the most painful experience in a relationship. My personal advice first to myself and to all. The moment you find out, OM/OW kick it to the curb. IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!

If the cheating party is into you they will stop seeing the other person, and start working on what they lost. If you exhaust it by WHY WHY WHY???? First you exhaust and drain yourself mentally, and physically! AND THEY ARE NOT WORTH THAT!!!!!

If you loose your mate to the other person, then they were not worth it. And one thing I go by is an old saying " stolen goods are damaged goods" if you steal him or her, no good will come out of it.

If you wish to email me same name at gmail. That is if the site administrator posts this blog.

All my best

written by you dont even know, 11 August, 2009

i was the other woman in an affair. i AM that statistic of women who REALLY thought, "he’s going to leave her." I always said, "I will NEVER date a married man" but the circumstances are something you cant imagine when it happens. It can happen to anyone, unfortunately. That doesn’t make me a tramp or a slut. When you’re led to believe he’s serious-you have no reason NOT to believe he’s being sincere. It’s always the ones who haven’t been part of an extramarital affair that judge the worst. I wouldn’t recommend it and I guarantee I would never do it again. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t wish that type of pain on a worst enemy. When you can’t eat or your sleep is erratic because you have no answers, or you feel like jumping out of your skin it’s like enduring a death. cut "us" a break though because seriously, until you’ve dealt with it, you’ll never know the severity of having such an emotional bond with someone, you can’t have.

written by the kind of woman you marry, 12 August, 2009

You ow’s, you put yourselves out there to get hurt!Why on earth would you even fall in love with a married man let alone sleep with one??? Obviously there are issues in the marriage to make wife/husband cheat or lose respect for the other.

The only difference between a whore and you is, that the whore knows her place, shes there for sex or to boost his ego in some way.
You ow’s, you actually think your something! You think youre all so great so irresisitable to the mm that he left his wife to come have his sex on the side from you.

O my god, wake up! Sex is an act, like the above post said. Especially for men, they can have sex and not get attached. The problem is when you ow’s get attached and dont see it for what it really is.

Half of you are in a fantasy land that you create with him that will never exist! Some of these guys really have issues personally and need that ego boost from other women.

But once they fix thier problems, you are out the door, and when that happens, let them go. Leave them alone.

written by Mixedemotions, 13 August, 2009

I am a MW involved w a MM 10 years older for over 2 years. I have kids, he doesn’t. We both know neither of us will leave our spouses – they were separated for a while, but he moved back as she wasn’t handling the separation well. I hate the fact that she’s such a hold over him. I really feel like calling her and letting her know about us... anyone out there who’s taken control and decided to confront MM’s wife?

written by nascarguy, 15 August, 2009

I had an affair. Not something Im proud of. I love and loved my wife the whole time.

I was having issues with ME it had nothing to do with wife.

Its easy to find women who will enter into this kind of relationship with a married man.
Hotbabe, I agree with your statement. Its not about the sex. The sex I had with other woman was lousy. Sorry to any woman this offends. But, its a fact.

It could never compare to what I had with my wife. Married men use women for their own selfish needs and yes I am ashamed of myself.
I took a wrong turn in life. I wasnt happy, or so I thought, with what life had to offer me.

That sexual encounter showed me one thing, HOW LUCKY I REALLY AM TO HAVE MY LIFE AND THE PEOPLE IN IT.

I pray to god my wife never finds out.

written by hurtinghusband, 15 August, 2009

Hotbabe, you are correct. Would have rathered been with my wife than HER!

written by arual, 19 August, 2009

To Nascarguy,
I so agree with you about being unhappy and therefore the result being an affair. I look back at my affair and realize I lost time with my kids and husband, time I can never get back. But I can only look forward and grasp the moments of pleasure I have now and try not to look back. My husband has never found out and I hope it stays that way. I do not want to hurt him with that information. I feel it’s irrelevant now since I did get past it, ceased contact with the man I was involved with and I know I have grown immensely through it all because now when I even think about entertaining an affair, it makes me sick to my stomach. It is a truly selfish activity and even when I was having sex with my lover, caught up in the moment, it of course had to end and all the guilty feelings flooded over me and the withdrawal over the next few days was a bitch. I pray and meditate and busy myself with the beautiful things life has to offer and when I unite with my husband, it’s pretty damn great! If we can grow from these experiences and truly come to know ourselves, that is the positive that can come out of a negative situation. Good luck to all here on your various journeys and just hang in there and hold out for the person (non-married) who will make your lives complete!

written by brokenwife, 19 August, 2009

to hurtbylies2,
thanks for the note posting is hard,all of these stories are heartbreaking,And when you are going through the pain it hurts even more to see how unalone you really,I try to support both,because everyone is going to hurt in the long run,it all really sucks.Hope all ladies hang in there and make better choices,
there’s a comcast.net and they have a blog,angelluv4u
i,ve read some pretty interesting things,I wish there was a way to have claire forward a address to you so we could write,try that angelluv4u.
wishing you the best,
and everyone here also,,,keep your head up

written by brokenwife, 21 August, 2009

to all ow.mm/mw
When you make the choice to do the so called affair thing,we all must think about what is truly going on inside us,are we happy with ourselves,are we happy with our lives,Is someone in our lives suffering in some way that we feel so helpless about that we are unsure how to cope so we feel we need to seek someone else for comfort,and acceptance,
Well I found myself in this very situation,and it almost cost me my marriage,as did his choice to seek someone else to lean on when we should have leaned on each other,
Me: I am very very ill,And lived in my little world of self pity for myself,not thinking about how my husband must be feeling inside,he was suffering also
PART TWO TO FOLLOW:::

written by brokenwife, 21 August, 2009

PART TWO: as i sulked and withdrew from life my husband ached inside himself because he didn’t know what to do,He went in search of comfort and something to boost his ego,big mistake !!!
As I began to think of something was going on I made his life more miserable with all the questions,he became unhappy at home which he mentioned to the ow,but since her home life was so miserable she figured this gave her the right to began a affair with my husband,
And all he was seeking was ego boosting and some comfort for his own pain he held inside,we almost lost each other,
we sought therapy.

written by brokenwife, 21 August, 2009

PART THREE:
We found we were both having the same insecurities,me being a wife and woman felt like a failure to my husband over my health issues that seemed to me to ruin my life,I never once though about what he was going through,what he was feeling which in turn made him seek comfort and support elsewhere,We now know what we did wrong,WE share the same fears the same pains and should seek comfort in each other only,I cannot let my illness run my life or kill my husbands life,we need to take each day that is given and spend it to it’s fullest,and share our love,We almost lost each other by not talking about it.He hurt as much as I,
And he sought ow for comfort,he stated he wasn’t happy at home,this made her feel she had the right to become the ow,WRONG !!
insecurity can sometimes send a person to make wrong choices,we are now closer than ever and have a newfound love for one another as we realized we hurt the same and did’nt talk about it, please just remember there is always a reason someone does what they do,maybe if we search deep within ourselves we will find why we do the things that we do,As we did,we are happier than ever now and have a closeness that was missing,
I realize now how my illness affects him also and how he feels alone and hurt in dealing with what I live through.let’s all look deep inside there’s a reason we make the choices we make if we all do this we may end a lot of pain for each other.
wishing all the best and to find your happiness in your home again.

written by god, I’m an idiot, 21 August, 2009

I have to say that concerning The Other Woman, I’ve gone through several phases.

First, I have a history of being cheated on and hating the OW and the cheaters, none of whom I ever forgave.

Then my best friend was cheated on by her sex addict husband and they got divorced. This fueled my spite for all the OW’s out there.

Then about a year ago, a guy whom I see regularly at an outside activity started flirting pretty outrageously. At first I was confused, thinking I was misconstruing things terribly ("Wait a minute, isn’t he married?")

Then I asked one of my male friends about the things he was saying, and he told me straight up, if a guy is saying those things to you, married or not, he wants some.

You’d think I would be disgusted, right? No, I wasn’t. I was actually kind of flattered, in a twisted way, mostly because he’s pretty damn hot.

So I played along, mostly just for my ego’s sake. Before you knew it, I became the kind of person I never in a million years thought I would become: The Other Woman.

It’s crazy how you can judge all you want, but you never really know until you’re in a situation what you’ll do.

There was just this amazing physical chemistry that honestly I’d never felt before with any other man. I would never mistake such a thing for "love" or anything like it-- just a peculiar, overwhelming pull that was like a drug.

So while I never fully f-ed up and went all the way over to the dark side with this guy, it was enough that it would be very upsetting to his wife (who I am sure is a lovely person) if she were to ever find out.

So, I’ve been going back and forth, vowing to stay the Hell away from him and then being sucked back in by his seductive ways, his apologies and soothing words. (You all know how it goes.)

Then, last night I found this site and scrolled through all these posts, and now my ambivalence towards the situation is gone. It has been replaced by anger.

This guy has morphed from a poor, stressed-out guy whose wife won’t have sex with him into a selfish, lying asshole. And I’m pissed off-- pissed off that I played a part in his stupid deception and lies, and pissed off that I let myself be placed in such a lowly position.

So far, my anger has lasted throughout the day, and when I saw him today, I was just pissed. His normal warm smile and suggestive glances did nothing but piss me the f-ck off, and I was ice-cold to him.

I’m sure he’s wondering what the Hell is wrong with me, and guess what-- he’ll never know, because I’m not talking to that f--kface again.

So thanks, everyone, who posted on this board. It set me straight before things got too bad and totally out of control. And I KNOW they would have-- I am totally the type that would keep holding onto some false hope and then be crushed.

Also, being angry is a lot easier than being sad, so I think I’ll hold onto this anger for a while until I am sure the threat that my desire for this jerkface will NOT resurface.

And if he starts sucking me in again with his awesome smile and amazing body and stupid charm, I will run back to this board and re-read all the messages so I can get angry again.

And then, hopefully in a bit, I will have met a non-asshole, non-married guy, and none of this will matter.

PHew! That felt good laying my plan out in writing like that. I know it’ll work. Seriously, I’m not going back. And I am sad that I ever played a part in hurting his wife (although hopefully she’ll never know).

I guess he’ll move onto some other woman now, which makes me sad for his wife. But at least I’ll be able to stop hating myself, cuz like someone else here said, I can’t control what he does, but at least I can control my own actions.

written by Confused in CA, 24 August, 2009

Why...why do we get obsessed with affairs? I just don’t understand and I am driving myself crazy. I had an affair that ended 2 years ago. I was and am married and have 3 beautiful children. My husband treats me like a queen. He is supportive, he defends me in any and every way, he helps around the house, he’s a great dad. I had an affair with someone that was a friend of ours. He was a mentor to my son, his son was very good friends with ours. We became very close friends, he and I. We confided in each other. I don’t know why I let it go where it did. I know he wasn’t and still isn’t happy in his marriage, but he’s been married for over 20 years and it would be financially devastating for him to leave. We never talked about actually leaving our families, but we did talk about him being unhappy, for a long time and he had once spoken with a lawyer and he said it would cripple him and he would lose his business he had worked so hard to build. Our families would spend virtually every weekend together and several nights during the week since our boys played on the same team. The things he would say to me would just draw me in and I would be intoxicated. We would talk everyday and have our own time together almost everyday, it was our escape.

My husband started getting suspicious, started tracking some things down. My friend and I had gotten our stories straight, but I ended up coming clean and confessing everything to my husband. He drove me to their house and made me tell my friend’s wife. It was not a good scene. And I felt as if I betrayed my friend, not my husband. What was I thinking?

We went through a very tough time, sought counseling. We took most of the collateral damage losing most of the mutual friends, having our kids have to give up a lot. I so struggled with the affair and wanting to know if it was real, if the feelings were real, if what he said to me was real. Of course my husband would tell me he was playing me, the counselor would tell me that too. But they weren’t there, they don’t know what was experienced, the look in the eyes, the magic of the touch, it was not all for show. After two years we have been back in touch, no phone, no actual physical contact, just via the computer. I thought he hated me for confessing, let alone having told his wife. But he insists he doesn’t and that he still thinks of me and is glad we are back in touch.

Not a day went by over the last 2 years that I have not thought about him. Why??? I love my husband, my family. I would have been the last person on earth that anyone would have though would have done this. My father had two affairs on my mother when I was growing up. One had her trying to commit suicide and I found her and had to get her to the hospital, I was 15. The 2nd time, was when my 1st son was born, and I refused to let him see him. I was so brutal to him for what he had done to my mother, I am sick that I have done this. But why can’t I let this man go? I know he can never treat me like my husband, or offer me anything more. My heart aches and I just don’t know how to get over him.

written by brokenwife, 26 August, 2009

To Confused in Calif,
It will take you time, HOLD ON!!! It will get better each day. I’m a wife who was cheated on and it’s very hard. But you have your husband your children. Think of what made you fall in love with your husband in the first place, and hold onto that. Time will heal it all.

Hang in there girlfriend, it will get better. Wishing you best – we all have our pain.

written by brokenwife, 26 August, 2009

Thanks Claire for replying,
We have come to some solutions and I will help my mom as much As I can.
I just felt as I stated before how could this man raise me one way and then show me the opposite with his actions. Maybe this was to make me a better man.
Good luck to all who are in pain here.

written by Thought I was smarter... part one, 26 August, 2009

I’m a M/W (13 years) who has been having an emotional affair with a M/M (22 years, 2 teen kids) for about a year.

It started out as a long email friendship (he’s the employee of a client) with occasional social occasions involved, and then my marriage hit an increasingly rocky period (I knew the M/M had more than platonic feelings for me) and we began meeting.

The one sexual encounter, outside of kissing/hugging/holding hands, was actually a bit of a bust, but I really feel as though I was (maybe still am) in love. He was charming and funny and attentive, and did I mention funny? (I am a sucker for someone who makes me laugh, and with my marriage in the pits, damned if I didn’t need some laughter.)

Lots of ups and downs, lots of anger and jealousy and controlling behavior on his end. Hello -- can you say red flags!?! What’s odd to me is that I have very low tolerance for drama -- I can’t believe I didn’t cut this off at the first signs that it would send me on such a roller coaster.

We knew and know that we couldn’t possibly make it as a couple. We talked about it, but it didn’t erase our feelings for one another. Addictive is a good word for it.

At one point, when I was close to telling my husband that I wanted a divorce, M/M started talking about leaving his wife for me, and that freaked me out. He has kids, and like I said, despite the chemistry and real emotion, I knew we weren’t compatible over the long term.

Bottom line: I needed desperately to feel needed; he needed the same. We provided that for one another.

So why are we so stupid?

I’d backed things off to "just friends" a few months ago after another one of his angry / jealous / dramatic / controlling episodes. Which was working semi-well until things got rough with my husband again after a few months of relative peace.

written by Thought I was smarter... part two, 26 August, 2009

(And for the record, you should know that I’d been SCREAMING to my husband that we were a mess for a long time, begged him to get help for his own anger issues, and only recently has he gotten help. He has his own messed-up issues. I still don’t know if my marriage is going to make it. But there’s no question that involvement with a M/M was not something I was open to until things had gotten so unbearable and lonely and painful in my own marriage. I was so desperate to feel loved, and beautiful, and worthwhile, and the M/M made me feel loved. It is odd to me how not guilty I feel about it, having lived it.)

Here’s the kicker: Things had started to get less than "just friends" between us again -- we met a couple of times and knew we were back on that slippery slope -- when he told me he met up with an "old friend", female of course, after some period of time of emailing back and forth (does this sound like a pattern?). Of course he didn’t tell his wife about it. Eventually he told me he and this "old friend" have feelings for one another.

Holy how-much-of-an-idiot-am-I!?!

Was he trying to make me feel jealous? Punish me for something? Or is he really just a serially philandering piece of crap? (He was so incensed when I suggest that was the case that I really do believe it may be true. Always looking.)

I am not defending my own behavior or ethics, but I really had feelings for him, had never so much as flirted with another man, have never cheated before. In fact, I really do consider myself a loyal person. (Yes, it’s laughable, considering the facts, but I really felt like I was drowning in my own marriage, begging my husband to get help, being told I was the problem. I was a mess. Extremely vulnerable. I grabbed at a very convenient life line. And fell in love with him.)

It’s been a week since we have communicated. I wanted to talk in person (basically to break things off but hopefully in a peaceful way). He was too cowardly to get together, told me he’d "rather not" and to "go, be happy" in a farking text.

Unbelievable.

written by Thought I was smarter... part three, 26 August, 2009

Truly stunning is that I actually miss him. I am blessed with a couple of close girlfriends who are keeping me strong.

I keep a list in my wallet of all of his bad traits, and there are many.

On paper, my husband is a much better man. He is just emotionally messed up, and I don’t think he’ll ever be connected to me in the way I need a partner to be connected.

I believe the rest of my life/marriage is going to be learning to make a compromise -- balancing my emotional needs and my obviously-already-worn dedication to my vows -- and the life, a good one, that I’ve built with my husband.

I have a draft email to the M/M, which I write on any time I feel like I have something to say (usually angry).

I know I will hear from him again at some point. We’ve had no contact for periods of time before this. Like I said, drama.

Did I mention that I hate drama?

I think that sending him that email ought to put a big ol’ period at the end of that sentence. (But I probably won’t send it.)

Here’s what’s strange too. If I could have the good parts of him, the laughter and the physical attraction without all of the emotional sturm and drang (gads, do they call that a "fuck buddy?" -- I think they do), I’d take it.

But no way, no how, he can’t do it.

I also have revenge fantasies of contacting his "old friend" to tell her a few things about the M/M. Oh, she’s married too. Apparently unhappily.

Life is a strange trip indeed. Not as black and white as I thought it was, and believe me, I was a black and white thinking sort of girl before all of this. I’ve learned some things about myself that will probably serve me in the future.

That’s something else I should emphasize. I am not a flake. I’m a smart, successful business owner with a profoundly "no BS" kind of attitude. I have friends, I’m emotionally connected, I’m mentally healthy (or so my counselor tells me -- she’s helping me deal with my marital issues, and, well, all of this.) Which only makes me realize that this is the sort of thing that can happen to anyone when things get rough in a marriage.

Planning to continue to be strong. Wish me luck.

written by scorpio, 26 August, 2009

I somehow found this website by searching the Internet for answers. Affairs are such complicated things, aren’t they? I must say your stories and outcomes were educational and comforting for me. Thank you. I couldn’t help but feel compassion for everyone who wrote their feelings. Perhaps for most of us; we can’t share our stories with anyone so we write to each other anonymously. Otherwise, we’d have to deal with the shock and shame from our friends. I must tell you for me, I never felt shame. I somehow knew that I absolutely had to have this outside relationship. It changed me and softened me in ways I never thought would happen. In fact, my guy told me what we had was very personal and something no one else could understand anyway. I took his advice and it was the right thing. No one ever found out about our affair. To discuss it with others is our own guilty conscious. Both he and I knew what we were in for and felt a destiny. The attraction was instant and after a few months we were in an affair. I was married and much older, he was single; no children. Why then? Because it was the love I’ve been looking for my entire life. We all try love out. We have a dream of what we think it will be and eventually we marry and settle down. More times than not, it just is the quiet life of mediocrity. Then something comes along that jolts you so hard you realize you do in fact have a pulse and you feel alive again. This was an affair that lasted 4 years and it’s something I don’t regret. I feel good that when I die I can say I had the chance to know what real, real love is. But the other side of the coin is you know someday your heart will break -- there can be no happy ending. For us it couldn’t because our age difference was so great. About a year ago my guy started fighting we me over everything. He needed to be free again but didn’t want the break away. It has been the hardest thing ever. The pain and sadness have been unbelievable but I try to take the high road. It was something that could never work for us. We have decided to remain friends despite the fact that he has moved on to new things. We just like each other too much as people. Still, I miss the kind of relationship that had such a strong connection and the loss has been like a death. I heal by remembering to be grateful for what we had and to know that no one is ever really owned by anyone. We are all individual travelers on this earth. I ask for God’s grace to help me move forward. Please remember everyone we all carry hurts inside we often cannot show. Smile to reach other and remember love takes on many, many forms. I’ll leave you with a quote from Dr. Seuss. "Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened." Peace to everyone here on this post.

written by brokenwife, 27 August, 2009

Yes Claire, just another wife.
One knows and realizes when it’s time to let GO !!! Lies do more damage than to the OW and there are times when your heart will tell you it’s time to walk away and let him wallow in his own lies.
So if that’s alright with you, I am now just another wife.
Damn or am I even that?
I’d rather just be me,and be happy with myself,I too am like the ow who said he’s a lying cheating A---hole.
So Now I move on with my life. So if you want to continue to ridicule me go ahead, but at least I had enough sense to know when to walk away and let him deal with the shit he created.
I will no longer be a part of it. But I can assure the ow who are on here, don’t believe the lies that you are told, cowards and liars are only after what they want.
And sometimes we don’t know that people have mental disorders, no matter how long you have been with them.
So Yes, just another wife who has betrayed and lied about and cheated on for someelse’s selfish sick mind!!!

written by arual, 28 August, 2009

To Scorpio:
Thank you for your very compelling post. Every word that you wrote could have come from my hand! I too felt I had the chance to feel what real love is; true, passion and beauty in the brief moments I had with my lover. I do love my husband and am glad we are working through our differences and are closer than ever. I do reflect on the time I had with my OM and even though he was never someone I could spend my future with, our lives existed in those moment bubbles when we were in each other’s arms, looking into each other’s eyes and being elevated by each other’s enemies. I don’t think of him daily as I was right after we ended our affair, I’m down to a few days a week. When I do, I reflect with a smile and thankfulness that I had the opportunity to go through something such as this. Would I do it again? Just for today, my answer is no. I don’t know what the future holds. If I ever ran into my OM, would my knees still shake and my pulses quiver? Would he want me again just as passionately? It’s nice to dream and yes, now I can smile because it happened! Good luck to all on this post!

written by brokenwife, 29 August, 2009

Dear Claire,
She left !!! I don’t know where she is?
I don’t know if she is even alright.
Maybe it’s something she felt she needed to do,But I’m a son worried sick about her. And she just took off.
Thank you for all your advice

written by someone else’s regret, 30 August, 2009

I found an old childhood friend a recently. We were very close as pre-teens but drifted apart when we attended separate schools. We would see each other around for years but never dated. We lost track of each other 15 years ago. Once we reconnected it was as friends, we are both married. I am not unhappy at all with my marriage and my husband is everything I could have ever hoped for, which makes this all the more confusing for me.

As my old friend and I reconnected online and in person we began to wonder what could have been. We talked at length about having an affair and what it could mean for both of us. We agreed that we would be always be friends, this was very important to both of us, and that when either wanted to end it that we would talk about it, and that would be it. (Naive, I know!) We never, ever planned to leave our spouses.

We met a couple of times for the physical part of our relationship. But that didn’t seem to be the basis for the whole thing. We continued to chat have what I can only describe as a real connection and friendship. This was a first affair for both of us and I have never even entertained the idea prior to this. Even before I was married. I have never cheated on anyone in my life!

This man is religious and has a deep belief in his faith. I know this has been an issue for him during this all along. Recently we planned to meet and at the last minute he canceled and up to this moment I have not heard from him at all. No texts, calls, etc. I have a gut feeling about what happened and have sent one email explaining my thoughts and that if what I suspected was true then this was fine and we could go on from here. I have heard nothing.

This was a month ago and I am greatly relieved to be done with the "affair" itself. However I am deeply grieving the loss of my friend. I feel abandoned and set adrift. I have no explanation and I feel as if I have no choice in this. I have all his contact info (home phone, address, cell phone, work email, personal emails, even his wife’s cell phone, etc.) and could force this issue, i guess, but I do not want to go there at all. I cry all the time and i don’t feel as if I can move forward without knowing what happened. I know the pain I have caused him and it kills me to know that he was so conflicted. I don’t know if he hasn’t let me know what happened because he made a deal with God (you know the ones: "please get me out of this and I will never see her or talk to her again"), or if he just doesn’t care enough about me to let me know and has just walked away.

Please don’t think that because I haven’t written much about our spouses that I didn’t agonize over them as well throughout this. I am so lucky to have gotten through, so far, without damaging them or our children. And I do recognize that. I just never imagined that I would be dismissed by my friend so abruptly and it hurts.

thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences on here. I found it to be very comforting. It helps to know that we are not alone. As well as to read both sides of the situation. Any advice is welcomed, peace.

written by Regret, 02 September, 2009

I had a baby as a result of a 7 year affair to someone who I thought I loved he left when I found out I was pregnant. This man also had another affair and as a result there is another child. His wife has taken him back after learning there is 2 children from 2 separate affairs. Any one out there having an affair stop you are wasting your life waiting around for a man you will never have. That is my only regret that I didn’t want to accept that soon. But I have a beautiful daughter that is my karma.

written by addicted, 02 September, 2009

I am unhappy in my marriage and have come close to having an affair. However, instead of doing that, I told my husband of 15 years that I felt we were drifting apart and it would be better to separate. (longer story than what I’m typing of course). I feel like that is better for him to deal with than if I had the affair and he found out. Yet people think I am being a complete heartless you know what. But I keep thinking "an affair would hurt MORE." eventually 9 out of 10 times affairs are found out. I think I did the right thing even though I am being judged soooo badly!!

written by endoftheaffair, 02 September, 2009

i to had an affair with married man and i am also married. I actually have a good marriage, but I met this person at work and he gave me a lot of attention and he was a nice distraction to other things going on in my life- non marriage related. We started talking a few times thru email at work and then escalated to emailing each other all day long and even at night or on weekends. I knew I wasn’t in love with him and I was never going to leave my husband for him, the relationship wasn’t about that. he, however, did tell me he loved me and a lot of other things, we started going to lunch a few times a week and did some kissing. it wasn’t until 6 months later that it got more physical 9only one time actually). but his wife found out, and he told me we needed to chill out. My problem is now that i feel he is ignoring me, we barely talk throughout the day anymore and if i ask to go to lunch, he says he is busy. I told him, I am not looking for anything physical with him again, but i do want to be ale to talk to him and hangout like we used to, without crossing the line this time. i know he is avoiding me, but when I confronted him, he made me feel like a psycho lunatic that couldn’t let go. I just feel that after all the crap that I put up with him (he would get upset if I didn’t answer my email quick enough, or when I couldn’t go for lunch). for a guy that told me had so many feelings for me, for sure he is treating like crap now. I don’t want the physical thing with him, but the daily attention I was getting was pretty nice, and it is killing me, I feel like I lost a friend, I miss him.

written by struggling to cope, 02 September, 2009

To someone else’s regret. Your story is very similar to mine. I also reconnected online with a friend from when I was a teenager. When I was 18 we worked together and he was a couple of years older and married. We kissed once under mistletoe at a holiday party. The chemistry was instant but it didn’t go anywhere. Then when I was in my late 30’s we met again online. We talked for a year, just kissed for a year and then were lovers for another 7 years. Thats 9 years of my life. We were both married at this time. He recently broke things off. All along I was the one who was feeling guilty and scared of being caught. He never seemed to worry. He was my soul mate. When he broke it off I never saw it coming. We continued to phone and chat online for about a month afterward. All of a sudden he stopped all calls, didn’t return the one call i made to him, and no emails. He isn’t even online anymore. I have no idea how we could have 9 years together, remained friends for awhile, and now i’m out of his life. I can deal with this but here is the really big problem. One day I’m ok with everything and then I cry for 3 days. It has affected my sleep, eating, and work. How long until I feel better? Women on this message board say that you can’t remain friends afterward. I believe them now

written by Worrisome, 02 September, 2009

Hello All!

I have been keeping up with these posts for a little over a month now. I am thankful that everyone (including BS’s) share their opinions. I have been in a long-term affair (7 years now). First of all, if anyone is reading this and has only been in it for the short-term or "just for fun"...RUN now!! It will spare you the pain of falling in love with someone that is not available.

In my situation...I was just having fun, then we became closer and now I love him so much! However, IT’S WRONG...no matter how much I feel, I know the best choice for everyone is to maintain NC. I have a boyfriend of 5 years and he has been married for at least 16 or 17 years. This is wrong on so many levels...but here is what I need the most help with.

I am scared that even if I can be strong and maintain NC, I am so afraid that I will never "get over" my feelings for him. I already feel as though I short changed the chances of my relationship with my boyfriend because my heart wasn’t all the way in it from the beginning and I thought my feelings for MM would go away over time. He has said all of the things like...I am too old to start over...I wish I had met you before I got married...I would be broke if I got divorced...and just recently (after all of this time) he admitted that he cared about me and deep down inside said he loved me...but then he said..."what can you do?" My own thoughts: How about...be fair to everyone and never contact me again? (well this one would be better if I really had the strength not to pick up the phone and feel the adrenaline rush when it’s him)....or get divorced and let your wife find someone who will keep their vows? Either way...I realize he may have feelings...but if he was in love with me, he would leave regardless of whether he would be broke. But, the thing is...I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to be responsible for multiple long-lasting pain to everyone hurt by this situation. I don’t want someone who has owned his own businesses, served citizens, and worked hard, to lose what he has worked for, because of my own needs and desires. I do not want to be selfish.

I am afraid of wasting more years and comparing future possible partners to him. I am afraid that a part of me will always hope something will happen and we might end up together. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and not remember any of this! I believe this pain and this fear of anguish and longing is part of the punishment for having an affair.

At least one thing is for sure.....I will never get involved with a MM again!

written by heartsickangel, 02 September, 2009

I got online trying to find support for my situation and I can hardly believe all the postings! For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel so alone and ashamed! Thank you all so much for sharing!
I married very young, at the age of 15, to a man I was married to for 24 years. He was manipulative, selfish, abusive and controlling. I had resigned myself to accepting this life and did my best to make the best of it. One of the times I was "allowed" to go to work outside the home, I shared an office with 2 men and another woman. It was a very small office so there was no privacy and each of our personal lives filtered in. I was struck by how respectful these men were to others...especially women. One of the men I became very good friends with, the other I fell in love with. I could tell that my husbands’ ways with me were shocking to them. My friend had convinced me that most men aren’t like that. My affair began about 6 months after I started working there. The man I fell in love with was also my supervisor and he is married. Neither of us intended to have an affair. Although we have not had sex, we love each other deeply. Not implying that passion is absent, we have refrained from that until he gets out of his marriage.
I believe with all my heart that he is not in love with his wife. I know from my own conversations with her that she is emotionally and physically abusive to him and her children. I can tell how much pain our relationship, or lack of, tears him apart. I believe that he will eventually find a way to be with me, but he is terrified of losing the kids. Also, we both carry an enormous amount of guilt for our feelings.
My husband ended up leaving me when I pulled away from him emotionally. I could not love one man and be with another.
So, here I sit...it’s been almost 2 years since our love began and he is still married and I am struggling to get on with my own life. I know that he wants to be with only me. He tells me that he is doing everything he can to be with me.
My question is...how do I find happiness in the mean time without letting him go? I can’t hardly eat, sleep or find any enjoyment in anything else.
I have all but told his wife the truth, but she remains with him. Even though I know that neither one of them is happy. However, she doesn’t know that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore.
Am I being played? Or is there a chance that my dream will come true?
I have never known anything even similar to the feelings that I have for him, or the feelings that he has for me. When I think about the possibility that it could be months or years before we are together, it feels like a big kick in the chest.

written by A Grown Up and Adult Individual, 03 September, 2009

I just found out my husband had finished an 8 month affair thanks to an email from the other party. Yes my husband cheated on me and the other woman, seduced as he was by the lure of self-centered conversation and exciting and illicit sex. However I am not leaving him as a marriage is so much more than an affair. You people who think an affair has anything whatsoever to do with marriage need to take a long hard look at your deluded selves. An affair is unpaid for prostitution and as such is blissfully free of rules.It is simply an immoral and exciting game of hide and seek. A marriage is a long-term commitment involving whole generations of family members and comes with its own code of conduct. If your marriage is in trouble get out or mend it then start on a real-life adult relationship. If you feel attracted to a married person ensure the marriage has ended before you embark upon a relationship. Affairs will only destroy everyone involved.

written by someone else’s regret, 03 September, 2009

When my MM canceled our last meeting it was by text. Said we would talk later. that was over a month ago and I haven’t heard a thing. I sent one text, one email and have called once that first week. I am stunned by his lack of communication. I am truly relieved that this affair is over. However I am so hurt by the loss of the friendship. I don’t know if this is as hard for him as it is for me. I don’t know if I should try to send another email. I just don’t know. Everyone seemed to have closure, that moment where they knew where they stood with their partner in crime. I don’t know if he is stupid or just trusts the hell out of me. A lot people would have called every number they in an effort to make contact and get answers. I have just made it easy on him to avoid it all together.

am trying to take it day by day. It has gotten easier. the first week I cried for days. now it is once or twice a day. But the pain is there and I just want to know that at one point in all this I mattered. that he cared a little bit. I did. I feel used and left behind. Lesson learned! I wish I had found this site before i started this, it may have made a difference. For all who are going through this, hang on, you aren’t alone. It just feels like it sometimes.

written by spicegirl, 03 September, 2009

Yes heartsickangel, you are playing the fool.

written by endoftheaffair, 03 September, 2009

i feel so empty and I can’t explain why. I know I am not in love with this married guy, I would never leave my husband for him and I actually didn’t like very much that he told me I was the love of his life. However, I miss talking to him and hanging out with him so much, it actually aches. I have no clue what he is thinking, he acts like normal when we bump into each other in the hallway, and we even exchange a couple of emails a day, but nothing like we used to. I know he has to work things out in his marriage, especially after his wife found out he was cheating, but why can’t we have the fun relationship we used to have anyway. I don’t want to get physical with him again, but i do miss talking to him and all the attention he gave me, and how he made me feel pretty and wanted everyday. i feel rejected, and that kills me. I thank god everyday that my husband never found out, but can’t let go of this guy. I am always thinking about him and I know he is avoiding spending time with me like we used to. I would love to be able to have a conversation with him and tell him how much it hurts that he avoids me now after he gave me constant attention, but i know i am only going to sound like neurotic bitch. Help, I am aching to talk to him and to simply spend time with him, is lunch too much to ask?

written by someone else’s regret, 03 September, 2009

To Struggling to Cope ~ I won’t say I know what you are going through, because we all have our own pain. I am sorry that you are hurting, I am sorry that all of us are hurting. I wish I could say that it will be better soon. I understand that when something is over, it’s over. What I don’t get is how we are supposed to just get over it. I was so upset the other day because it felt like I was the only one suffering and hurting. My mom pointed out that just because I hadn’t talked to him didn’t mean that this wasn’t as hard for him as well. Don’t judge their outsides by your insides. Of course I have no way of knowing that since I didn’t get anything in the way of an ending.

One thing i have learned from this is that in any relationship that is ending, you have to look out for yourself. Trust me he is looking out for himself. He will throw you under the bus first chance he gets to save himself. I am just now to the point where I am trying to look out for me now, and protect myself. I only cried one time today!!! He has told me all I need to know with his silence. And really what did I expect? I thought the deep bond of our friendship would hold it all together. And maybe one day it will, I don’t know. But for now I am seeing a therapist and thanking God every day for the family and love that I have here.

I have written countless emails but I won’t send them. I am not going to let him know that this hit me as hard as it did. I will not give him that much of me. He has taken enough. And your MM has taken more than enough from you.

Please let yourself heal, cry when you need to, find someone who can help you through this. Thank God my friends haven’t judged me during this. I know they will rip me later when I have healed Keep your energy up, eat small things and stay hydrated. Trust me on this one, I actually got dehydrated from crying once! Also, you have to sleep. Sleep is such a great healer, try one of the OTC sleep aids, a very small dose, it will help. If you really feel like you can’t move on, talk to your doctor mine has been a blessing. Hang in there. And try, try, try not to contact him. I feel a small victory each night when I have gotten through the day without trying to make contact. He knows where I am and how to get a hold of me. I am not hiding. The same goes for you.

written by endoftheaffair, 04 September, 2009

so lunch WAS too much to ask for. After a couple of emails and asking him yet again to go for lunch, he got nasty, freaking nasty with me. saying that I was relentless. so I went at it with him on IM. he didnt even have the decency to tell me in person. He told me that his marriage was bad to begin with, but couldnt continue thinking about me all the time, that it wasnt right. so I gave him a piece of my mind, I told him that for someone who told me it would take a lifetime to get over me, his feeling for me flew out the window pretty quick. I told him that I never thought i would find myself in this situation, the OW and being dumped, but that i didnt think i regretted what happened, but i did regret how things were ended, thru IM. He then tells me I’m nuts. Whatever is all I can say.

I am not in love with this guy, I did tell him that I loved him, because he used to tell me so often he was in love with me, that i felt bad not saying anything back. did i enjoy the attention he gave me, YES, did I like the spark we had, YES. but I dont need someone like him in my life. I basically only wanted lunch to get this out of my chest and hear from his lips that it was over, but he was a COWARD. i do feel better I told him what I needed to tell him. I just wish he wouldnt think of me as needy. I wish I could throw back in his face all the times that he was needy and nutty because I said i couldnt do lunch or see him. One time when i thought my husband suspected, I told him I needed a couple of weeks without meeting him, he went NUTS and basically told me, no way, I cant live without you, I am going to fight to keep you in my life. he made it really hard for me to say no more. and now I look like I am the needy one, that is why kills me now. In my last IM I said all the things and then have a good weekend. he replies the nutty comment to me, I mean, is that all he can say after all these months. he is so not worth my time. I hope what I feel today last so I dont ache for him like i did yesterday. I just feel angry that i was used and now look like a fool.

written by nosympathy, 04 September, 2009

I read you ow’s post here crying on each others shoulders for sympathy and understanding...pity! If you had the smarts to begin with, you wouldnt embark on such a loser relationship!

You are women who are used selfishly by men who have issues with themselves...do you realize, confident, happy , secure men, dont cheat on their wives....you get the men with low self esteem, the men who are having issues with themselves so ugly that they stoop to a new level in their life.

Then of course, you have the men who are just perverted sexually and want a woman for their own perverted needs, they want a woman to do things they could never ask a woman they love and have respect for to do....then you do it, fall in love..and get your heart broken when you realize you didnt mean anything to him!

Then you want to let us wives know what was going on....you are the poster children for pathetic desperate losers, who will stop at nothing and no one to try and get what you want!

I laugh at all of you!

written by heartsickangel, 04 September, 2009

I have given up everyone and have lost everything important to me in my life since I fell in love with him. In a way, it makes me angry that he gets to carry on with his own life like I never existed to him, while I am left to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I am tempted to share letters, and personal belongings that he has left with me with his wife, just so she will know what he has done, to me and to her. I wish I could convince myself that I am being foolish thinking that he will be with me. It would be helpful for me to move on if he would just tell me that he doesn’t want to be with me instead of telling me that he is coming to me. Although I don’t want to cause any more heartache and pain to those that our relationship affects, I really wish his wife knew what kind of man she is married to!

written by whatcomesaround, 05 September, 2009

I have always been faithful to my husband, even when we had the most severe problems 2 years ago, when we did he cheated, I did not.

Now, we have been rebuilding our marriage, my om has since stepped into my life again. I want to go with him, why should I be faithful to a man who was not faithful to me, I have never been a cheater,.I know sex with this other man is all it will be. I dont want to leave my husband, I just feel, he was able to step out of our marriage without thought of me or respect from me,( he had a fling, it was over as fast as it started)......I didnt cheat back then because I felt he would never do it to me...Now that I know he did, and now, its my turn, I am not calling it revenge sex, because it is not, I am very seriously attracted to this man, I lost touch with him all this time and now,we reconnected..Im confused. This would only be a one night stand.... I love my husband, but the attraction with om, is extremely strong.

Someone Please talk sense to me

written by love me some him, 06 September, 2009

no sympathy,

no one wants or cares for your sympathy.. why don’t you go back where you came from.. you are just mad because your husband probably has an OW on the side..

my MM is confident, happy, and secure.. He is a police officer and his self-esteem is very high.. not all people who have affairs have low self-esteem.. how did you arrive at that conclusion?? are you a psychologist??

i have been with him for six years and for your information we are not using each other.. we genuinely love each other.. we are together several times a week if not everyday and talk on the phone everyday for hours at a time.. when he is home late at night we text each other till the wee hours of the morning.. this is real love! and no, he doesn’t use ME for sexual perversion.. we have the most amazing sexual chemistry therefore, we are comfortable enough with each other to not have any inhibitions when it comes to sex.. we enjoy each other’s bodies immensely.. he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and i make him feel like the man that he is..

He asked me the other day if I ever thought about having another child and I was shocked that he brought that up.. he looked in my eyes with the kind of love i have never felt before and said that he had been thinking about it for a couple of months and that he wanted me to have his baby.. he wanted part of him growing inside me and for us to have a baby that we created together out of love.. i was dumbfounded!! his kids are preteens and high schoolers and mine are as well..

my point is that he loves me so much that he wants to create a baby with me and he has said that he loves me more than he ever thought he could possibly love someone and wants to be with me for the rest of his life!

so sorry for your confusion, no sympathy, but we are not all on here whining and crying about being used!! i am ecstatically happy with my lover and best friend!!!!!! you need to grow up and stop judging others!!

written by nosympathy, 06 September, 2009

A POLICE OFFICER????lol lol lol a CHEATER LOUSE AND HE HAS A JOB THAT REQUIRES, being TRUTHFUL having INTEGRITY, He has a position that is to be respected by others....and he does this??? NICE, REAL NICE!
You ,LMAO, got to be kidding me!!!!!!

Dont even talk to me about police officers!!! If you only new Girlfriend, if you only knew!!!!
I’m sure all the guys he works with, knows you are nothing but a piece of ass to him! And the decent guys he works with, probably have zero respect for him!

For SIX YEARS, YOU HAVE WASTED YOUR LIFE and you believe you have a real love? A real love that makes you hide in the shadows of his real life? OMG! I believe I was incorrect with the self esteem issue, YOU HAVE THEM! This man is making a fool of you....FOOL, WAKE UP , FOOL, WAKE UP!!!SNAP OUT OF IT!

Yes, my dumb ass had a ow,I couldnt have cared less,, it was too bad she wasnt enough woman to take my man...but, guess who he wanted more than her, ME! Do I have a prize, o hell no! He knws he made the biggest mistake of his life! But I will tell you this, he is paying the price and making it up to me every single day....will I ever forgive him, probably. I know what we were both going through, shit happens!

Too bad for him, he didnt realize what kind of desperate woman she really was! Did you ever see the movie fatal attraction? Yes, exactly her!

You go ahead have a baby with this P O prize! You already wasted 6 years...whats 18 more??????

Just so you know, Im sure he is still enjoying his WIFES body too!...but go ahead live in your fantasy world!
HERES A QUESTION FOR YOU, IF HE LOVES YOU SOOO SOOO MUCH, WHY ISNT HE LEAVING HIS WIFE? O yeah, right, the kids, or shes a mental case, or he will lose too much.....yeah....isnt love grand!

written by notaloser, 06 September, 2009

Wow, some of you women are pretty pretty pathetic!

News flash: IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULD BE WITH YOU! NOT STILL WITH HIS WIFE!!!!

written by DONETHAT, 06 September, 2009

I was an ow for 4 years. I was there, I thought I was his lover his best friend, I thought I was his everything.....till his wife found out.

Tell his wife, see what happens!!!
S he will cut you off so fast your head will spin! Only then, will you find out what you really mean to him, nothing, a big nothing.

Tell him to tell his wife, force him to make a move....Youll see where you stand.....ALONE!

written by STUPDGIRL, 06 September, 2009

LOVEMESOMEHIM....god, you are being played.

written by wifeof a cheater, 06 September, 2009

So to love me some him....

I was the wife of a cheater. His ow thought she was all to him too, till I found out. He dropped her so fast, he tried to fight for our marriage, I didnt want him anymore when he realized he was fighting a losing battle, he ended up with her, she still wanted him.

After 8 months, she has no clue how he still calls me and begs for a second chance. He still tells me how unhappy he is, how she was a huge mistake and the only reason he is still there is because he had no where else to go.

He loves me thats all I hear, I dont want him! I dont want my POLICE OFFICER HUSBAND ANYMORE! He is vile and an embarrassment to the force. He lies so easily in his own private life, how do you think he will lie in his job! These men are a disgrace and an embarrassment for the dept they work for!

You do not have a prize! You have the most vile of a man! One who is sworn to uphold the law and tell the truth, someone, other are supposed to respect and look up to! HA! A joke!

I hope you still feel very important in his life, in fact, you are so important, he still keeps you a secret, his dirty little secret for six years! What kind of life is that??? Woman, YOU CANT BE THAT STUPID!

written by em, 06 September, 2009

i have just gotten out of an affair as the other woman. i am sad, lonely and missing him so much. but i don’t want sympathy – i made my bed and im lying in it believe me. i never asked him to leave his wife and didnt expect it. after 12 months he cut me off for 6 weeks (we still work together and he avoided me like the plague), then came crawling back. for 3 weeks. in those three weeks he told me he had made a mistake, was sorry for cutting me out and was going to leave his wife, he just needed to sort things out but knew what he wanted. he wanted a home with me and a future. then without any warning he went on holiday for 3 weeks, finding out the day before he went. halfway through his holiday he told me he couldnt leave his kids and i ended it. affairs are the most heart wrenching experiences. sneaking around in hotels and stealing time, not having the real and loving relationship you deserve with someone 100% dedicated to you. like most of you here, these all seem to be work related with men trying to get some extra curricular activities out of it. he said all the things mentioned here and more. i dont believe its real, and convinced myself it was when we together. you’re worth more than an expensive hotel.

written by kjcnot, 06 September, 2009

I am so glad I have found this site and able to read all the posts.I have ended a nineteen month relationship with a MM.I too am married. I know it’s for the best. I miss him so much. I loved all the fun txts with him. He got me through my horrible work days. I’ve been crying and cant eat. I go to bed thinking of him and wake up thinking of him. After reading several of these comments I know I am not alone and never have felt better. The worst is that he didn’t have guts to tell me face to face or by phone....he finally answered my phone call after I called him ten straight times.I needed closure and he just was never going to call me. I told him my feelings in an email, about how bad that hurt me. HE TOLD ME HE WAS SORRY AND WISHED ME THE BEST IN THE FUTURE AND WOULD KEEP IN TOUCH. I responded by telling him dont bother I don’t want to hear from him again.

Thank you to all for making me stronger and helping me with the hurt. I was an idiot for starting this affair.

written by a wife cheated, 07 September, 2009

i read this and am truly shocked and hurt. my husband cheated on me with a work mate who is also married.he told me himself and dumped e girl. i am very sad and hurt and cant even cook for my kids 2 boys. I have never felt this low in my life. well my husband is being e best man the best but am hurt to see it all. i want to leave but everyone keeps on saying he will leave u forever. i wish people would see e pain they cause other people i guess we would not have to deal with all this.

written by brokenwife, 11 September, 2009

To heartsickangel,
it will get better,
Let him go.Do you want to tell his wife out of anger? Or so she will know what kind of man he really is?
That is what you must decide,Revenge will only backfire on you.Have you seen what I am going through ?
because of my parent?

written by maggs, 12 September, 2009

to wife cheated,

Don’t feel low, your husband and the cheater accomplice should feel low. They are the ones that engaged in this despicable act.
Very few people understand what betrayal does to people like us who are committed in a relationship through the good and the bad.
Maybe, he can change and this can make him a better man.

Your boys are your priority, care for them and love them.
Put you and your boys first from here on out. Husband, he can go to the bottom of the list where he belongs, with the low lifes.

People in general are selfish, they care only for themselves and for what they want, some really dont care who they hurt in the process...sad.

written by aprilshowers, 12 September, 2009

One thing you ladies have to realize, We wives, are their choice for their life. Do you not realize that once our relationship was like yours was, but our men thought highly enough of us, to buy us that diamond wedding ring...not keep us a dirty secret.

All relationships have their issues. A real man, will work it out with his wife, if he thinks he can, a stupid man, will make a mistake and turn to someone else, but will realize its wrong and correct his actions and be the best husband ever, a loser-dog, will continue to cheat and use women.

I can at least say, I was never used. It has to suck! Out of all three of us here...the husband cheater/ the unsuspecting spouse/the other woman....id rather be the unsuspecting wife.....I’m the only one, that still feels good about myself, I have my self respect and respect from others....when you dont have that, you really dont have anything!

written by brokenwife, 12 September, 2009

AMEN !!!!! YOU ARE SO SO VERY RIGHT !!!

written by threehours, 12 September, 2009

KJCNOT--Wow, I really felt for you after reading what you wrote. It has been 6 months (to the day) that I lost my MM. I am married too--to the perfect husband if there is such a thing. What we had was intense, yet brief. Someone saw us together in public and told his wife’s sister. The sis-in-law forced him to confess. My Husband knows, too.

MM called to tell me and explain everything when it happened, but also told me he had the best 8 weeks of his life and would miss me terribly. But, he also said we could never be in touch again--and he has kept that promise--probably for the best. I want so badly to be mad at him, but i can’t. i miss him and think of him still every morning when i wake up and when i am driving home from work at the end of a long stressful day. knowing i will not have him to look forward to makes me feel so empty.

But, I will tell you this--it does hurt less and less. everyone says it, but you must believe. In six months, the pain and ache for him has waned--but i don’t think will ever fully go away.

Do I regret the affair? No. Do I regret hurting my dear husband? Yes. But that doesn’t make me miss my MM any less.

Be strong and know it will be OK.

You were not an idiot for starting the affair. you were simply following your heart--which can often get us hurt or in trouble.

written by hopetowakeup, 13 September, 2009

I would very much appreciate it if the women leaving horrid negative messages attacking OW would please go away and find their own thread.If you Google "Vitriolic embittered wives" you will probably find a more appropriate thread for your nastiness and negativity. (NB:the title of this thread is "getting over an affair as the OTHER WOMAN!) Do you see?
Many thanks, now go away!

written by hopetowakeup, 13 September, 2009

someoneelsesregret.
Thankyou for the lovely calm words above! Good advice. I have also taken it on board! x

written by heartsickangel, 13 September, 2009

Thanks for writing guess who knows! No, I have gone back through all of these blogs and didn’t find your story! As for my relationship...he still tells me that he loves only me and that he wants to be with me. He says that he can’t see his life without me. Among a lot of other reasons, he stays with his wife because he can’t bring himself to break his vow to her. He is not in love with her and he has tried to make it work with her, but it consistently fails. He doesn’t want to keep trying. I feel like it is worse to keep his wife and himself in a marriage that he knows will end eventually. I wish he would just tell her the truth. I guess the truth for me is that I hope that if she knew how he felt she would leave him. I know that I can’t seem to move on until this is over...one way or the other. I can’t bring myself to give up if there is the slightest hope that we can be together someday. Since I have moved out of state, I haven’t seen him for 3 months, but he calls or emails a couple times a week. I know he loves me and I know that he is holding onto the idea of us being together. What do I do??? Thanks for listening!

written by endoftheaffair, 14 September, 2009

so after a month of avoiding me, my MM decided to talk to me again, he tells me that he misses me and that the truth was that he had been avoiding me because he thought it would be easier to forget me that way and to ignore the feelings he ad for me, i told him that was simply mean. he also told me that he wants time. Well, as i had said before i am not in love with him, but we did form a connection, and he gave me plenty of attention, which was nice. We only had sex once, but that is not what i miss or what i want, i just want the daily interaction and hanging out, he always made me laugh and we had a good time whenever he came out to happy our with me and people from my company. he pretty much also said he wants to sleep with me again, but i dont want to be his booty call. but i think he treated me like crap that month after he got caught. i simply dont understand, why cant he work things out at home with his wife and just be cool at work? I am not asking for anything else. but now i am afraid he wants to keep on sleeping with me and what ignoring me the rest of the time? how can i tell him that that is not who i am or what i want, i just want to have our connection back and hanging out, i do miss his friendship. which he totally abandoned the minute he got caught.

written by Brightlight of day :), 14 September, 2009

hey everyone what an amazing thread I really appreciate everyones comments...I am goin thro the same thing. In love with a married man it all started with an innocent forwarded txt..from there it was purely physical..then emotions started to enter. that was in May!!! Now its Sept and we have "broken up" many times not wanting to hurt one another. He recently told his wife about me and he decided to "work on his marriage for his kids sake" I respected that and left him alone. He started txt and emailing me 2 weeks later telling me how much he loves and missed me. I was taken aback by his emotion...he still calls me and I call him and meet up when we can. But this time seems a bit different somehow. I still have strong feelings for him...I still love him however, something has changed in our relationship. I have put boundaries up with him in terms of information given. It seems that he wants me to "work" on his relationship with his wife with him. I respect myself for not letting this happen. I have cut down on time with him and go out with my friends a lot. I was told...YOUR HAPPINESS BEGINS WITH YOU This is what I am putting into practice in my life. We all deserve it..these men/women were put in our lives for a reason..to show what we deserve..the love, the tenderness, the intense feelings we had, the respect (as weird as that sounds), and devotion (weird I know ) and connection to another person. If putting our happiness first is selfish..then I want to be the most selfish person ever lol I hope everyone journey to happiness n love is eventful and full of joy and love

written by calling it what it is, 14 September, 2009

To three hours...hes telling you its the best 8 weeks of his life and he will miss you terribly, because he doesnt want drama...thats all. He doesnt want you to flip out and go psycho on him.

Believe me, if it was the BEST HE WOULD LEAVE WHAT HE HAS or he would stay with you and not break it off...I cant stand to see you women believing this bullshit!!!

written by aces, 14 September, 2009

I stepped out on my wife, because I thought she was having an affair. she was very much infatuated with another man. Do you know what that did to me?
It brought me to my breaking point. When everything else in my life was failing, so i started drinking. heavily.
I met a woman, single no kids, drank as much as i did. I started flirting back. Wife, drifting further away, she knew I was becoming distant, but hey i was loving the attention I was getting from girlfriend.

Doing that, is the biggest regret I have in my life.
Cheating is not the answer.
I lost the respect of family, friends, co workers, but most of all, my own self respect.
I beg my wife every day for a second chance.
I dont deserve her. I realized too late, how lucky a man I really was. The ow, shes out of the picture. wouldnt go to her if she was the last woman on earth.

I made my bed. I blame myself.

written by brokenwife, 15 September, 2009

Dear heartsick angel,
My story is on the other page,Will he leave his wife?
I hear your pain.
My pain goes much deeper,because of my fathers cheating I’ve lost my mother.I am a young man who goggled infidelity and ran across this blog.Claire has helped me as much as possible.There are many others here who have written to me also.
All I can say is in time it will get better.
Do check yourself health wise after this affair,I hope all is well for you unlike my mother who was caught in the middle of some lies and games.
My best wishes for a speedy recovery of your broken heart.It was not meant to be.Someone out there loves you and will give you all of their time and attention.
You hold your head up and feel that you were and are better than this in the first place.
Good luck to you

written by The toy, 15 September, 2009

We started out as each others "toys". a year under our belt we fell in love. We were caught by wifey of course because we were not careful. It has been a year and I am too hurting. I was adored, pampered, promised... but I was also lost. When we were apart for a while I would go into a "funk" my tantrum from separation. MM would settle that immediately so he could be happy with me. We had our own talk- like code and we had a pattern. We were on the same page. It has been 9 days and I feel ok now, but not all the time.
My MM came in my life when I needed someone- something to cure me. He guided me without interfering with my independence, he always let me have that. He was rather wealthy but I am an independent soul so he guided me into buying a home and going back to school (on my own with my own money). I also have a problem with drinking which he helped me cope with and I still am. My MM really helped me. And now he is gone.
I am sad, I feel bad but I will go on remembering what we had- a great year of love, accomplishments, and satisfaction with the little time we had together.
He was 23 years older than me, but that did not change a thing. I hope someday I can find someone who can be even remotely as great as he was to me. I miss him..I love him.
Excuse me to the wife post- Not for here, I can’t speak for all but I don’t read them at all- go to your own blogs- we know what we did.

written by MaryM, 16 September, 2009

If he was really in love, he would leave his wife. That is the bottom line. I think it is so sad that there are all these woman out there who have so little self respect that they would be "the other woman." Move on. Get over it and find your own man. I have both been the other woman and have been cheated on. The difference is, I never wanted to end up with the married man. Every time I saw him, I promised myself it would be the last time, but our emotions were so out of control that it never happened.
Now, it’s been a year since we last spoke and I have finally come to the conclusion that we were obsessed, not in love.
Love is not based on lies and secret meetings. I think my married would probably agree with this now, even though he told me several times while the affair was going on that he would leave his wife and kids for me.
Affairs mess with your mind. You feel trapped by emotion, but if you give yourself a chance to get over it and completely stop contact with him, I think you will be shocked by how quickly feeling fade. At least that appears to be true for the "married" people in these affairs. Maybe for people who are single, it’s harder.

written by addicted, 16 September, 2009

to the wives...
I wrote this once before but got no answer...
Long story but I have fallen out of love with my husband of 15 years. I have been tempted to cheat, but instead I decided to tell him the truth and asked for divorce. Of course he is sad, angry, hurt. But I felt it better than cheating on him and him one day finding out. Isn’t it better to leave if you are unhappy then start sneaking around? wouldn’t you have rather your husband told you he was unhappy and wanted a divorce than find out he is sleeping with someone? I ask because you would not believe how many people feel I am the biggest a-hole around. But I just felt that it was the right way to go about things.

written by spicegirl, 17 September, 2009

To addicted:
I am a wife who was cheated on and sometimes, I wish he would have told me and sometimes, I m glad he didnt. When he met a woman I had already met a man that I wanted to be with and I was holding myself back because I believed he would never cheat on me, he was a great husband, lover everything..then over the course of the last 5 years, he was just stupid, drunk driving, partying...I was done!

Our marriage failed years before we both met other people. The om/ow is not to blame. Like I said, years before these affairs which happened in 08.

What hurt me the most in my situation was, that after we reconciled, he did not tell me about his affair, he knew about this other man, because we all worked together and, well, people talk. Even though nothing physical happened between us, he believed it did and went out and find this psycho who became controlling, obsessive and began to threaten him when he told her he wants to be with me....I had to find out this great news from her!
He didnt tell me because our marriage was were it should have been and was never better and he didnt want to lose it.

Now, looking back, things happened for a reason. I know if he would have told me about ow in June/July, our marriage would have ended and we both would not be happy with these other people. I believe this happened to us, to show us exactly what we mean to each other.

Right now, I couldnt love my husband any more than I do, and I couldnt imagine loving anyone else!

Affairs are not right, honesty is always the best policy. I guess what Im trying to say is, sometimes honesty works, sometimes, its best to let it play out.
Lying is a part of life, we all do it. Sometimes for the wrong reasons, sometimes for the right reasons.

written by valley girl, 17 September, 2009

Well, cheaters really do look like assholes.
My husband cheated.
We were a very popular couple, with lots of friends, who both held positions in the community professionally and personally, he really destroyed a lot and now, well, what can I say....hes paying the price.

He lost all respect. Our friends, are now, my friends, I didnt want them to take sides, but , it happens.
The majority of people are decent people with values and morals. Im not saying cheaters dont have that, I believe cheating is about self control. We all now its wrong and I would be lying if I said I was never attracted to another man, its at that time, you need your morals to kick in and your self control..they go hand in hand.

My husband never left me, he tells me, he was never planning on leaving. He was having issues and she came along at the right time. He thinks, I should put it behind me and move on.

I just dont get it? If you arent happy in your relationship and you have to take that step, you should figure out its done and when others find out, be prepared, you are going to lose a lot of respect.

I have been supported through this and have developed a closer friendship to people I hardly knew, in support.

The cheater, he hangs his head.

written by awake, 17 September, 2009

I don’t want to be judged. I am making a sincere effort to get over him. I’ve read all the posts. While there are people who would judge me and call me all sorts of things for being the other woman, hell, I judge myself already.

No, I don’t want to see him anymore. I just want to stop feeling like crap. All I want right now is to not feel anything. But the pain is huge.

When someone tells you they love you but don’t want to be with you except behind closed doors it is a huge wake up call to acceptance of things as they are and to begin healing.

It was a message to me about who I am and what I am – the bad and the good and everything in between.

I feel horrible because I never wanted to hurt anyone or break up a family. I also know that anyone that says they can’t leave their marriage because of the kids is lying. They don’t want to leave the person they married and that’s really okay. Don’t think we’re (the other woman or other man) that stupid.

If we continue after you say that, it’s because we want to believe the delusion. Sooner or later though, quite a few of us, will wake up and do the right thing. It’s a shame we get a heart and a conscious, much later than sooner.

For now, I just want to take it one day at a time and get over being addicted to the hope that he and I would be together. I am sorry for my role in having the affair. I hope God will forgive me for borrowing someone else’s man.

Thanks for reading.

written by justanotherhuman, 17 September, 2009

Ladies, all this bashing and childish judging is foolish and takes away from what we all can learn. STOP,we are all human and fall short as long as we walk and breath so "Never say Never" until you’ve walked in someone elses shoes.

I’ve been on the recieving end and I’ve been the other, they both hurt like hell! So coming on here, when someone has the inclination to get something off their chest, bare their pain and mistakes, bashing them for it!? Why, does it make you feel you are justified, to bash a total stranger, who’s obviously in pain and remorseful. These women are saying to us, don’t do this, it’s wrong and it hurts.

Grow up and learn some compassion and understanding. Bless You all.

written by feeling your pain, 17 September, 2009

Having marriage problems...both of us not happy (its never one sided in the happiness dept..fyi for the other women) When she started with my husband, she could have had him...I wonder if she knows that???
I was done with him. There was a reason I didnt want sex with him anymore..there was a reason, I didnt not "touch" him or want to "touch" him..he surely got her to do it though, with his tales of being mistreated and emotionally abused..... Why you women fall for it, is beyond me.

His ow called me, told me that I was a mean woman, and I dont deserve my husband, told me, shes better looking and skinnier than I am, told me, HE couldnt get enough of her sexually, she told me all this so..............
Here are my questions

WHY THE HELL IS HE STILL HOME?
He could have left me for her, why didnt he? believe ME IT WOULDNT HAVE BEEN A FIGHT, I would pack his shit up in a heart beat!
If he couldnt get enough of her, why isnt he going and getting more?

Why did he spend over 30,000 for a new diamond wedding ring for me?
Why is he taking ME on all the vacations and buying me all these great gifts... (new camero will be here on Saturday!!!)

Why, on earth, is he still with me, when this woman is so great?

Could it be, could it really be SHE’S NOT????

written by Grew Up, 17 September, 2009

I just wanted to say as a wife who’s husband had a affair many years ago I did learn a lot about love and behavior. I know at the time we all were immature and even though he is sorry he did not want to hurt the o.w. There is no easy way to end a affair and I think we all learned how affairs can be hurtful, there are no bad people in this, we all grew up!!

written by VOR, 19 September, 2009

I have a question/comment for the webmaster/moderator: since this is a forum for "Getting Over An Affair As An Other Woman" can you please leave the haters off, and just allow positive comments which seek to address the issue/question at hand? This question was asked by an OW who wants to get over an affair, so the responses should be helping her – and all other people reading this forum for precisely the same reason. Please exclude hateful, negative, and destructive posts.

written by The toy, 20 September, 2009

I second the above request. We are human, we hurt, as I posted befor: we know what we did. We too deserve support, let us have it and go find your own.

written by realitychekplease, 21 September, 2009

I was TOW and felt regret 90% of the time but at first I was into it 100%. Every new relationship starts out in the honeymoon stage and I’m pretty sure that’s what the married person who cheats is interested in much of the time. Many want something different, new and are just bored with the marriage even if it’s a good marriage in most respects. See, the OW often does not realize love is sometimes lust for the other person. It’s just an outlet for the married person. If his or her marriage has problems maybe they should consider speaking with their partner rather than taking the easy way out and running to another woman/man. If married couples would simply put that energy into their marriage maybe the divorce rate wouldn’t be so unbelievably high. There is no future for people who begin a relationship based on deception...it will most definitely come back to haunt them even if it lasts a long time in the majority of cases. I got out...could not take being second and living my life on promises that never quite seemed to come to fruition. Maybe if I could be in the wife’s shoes and know her pain and the damage the affair did to her, I’d never dream of doing this to another person not to mention how he lied to her and by not being truthful....never had any intentions of leaving her but he did not respect her if he could not give her the option of leaving or staying, nor did he respect me if he couldn’t give me the opportunity to be out in public with him. Thus, I would have to say....he does not respect women and has underlying issues that he really should see a therapist for rather than having sex with another woman to stroke his ego. He lies mostly to himself and had me doing the same thing. I have a life to live and I’m not ever going to allow anyone else to steal my joy like that again....there is so much more out there for me and I now have my confidence back and am able to see the truth. We as OW are enabling men like this.. we enable their weakness and their dysfunction only to realize later that we too have become part of their dysfunction and then have to figure out how to change it. Truthfully, his wife doesn’t need his problems anymore than I do...he’s a loser...sorry, reality is hard to take sometimes but we are so much better off once we face it.

written by mysideof the story, 21 September, 2009

I am a wife whose husband cheated. I lost faith in our marriage a long time ago. He became a man, I no longer respected or cared about.

After a few years, we started drifting apart. He wasnt worried about it, when I gave him the warnings about his drinking and going out on the weekends while i was working...he didnt give a crap.

I didnt care about my husband and he started really drinking and going out...thats when he found her.

It wasnt about sex, it wasnt about looks, it was about, a woman who made him feel better about himself, because I made him feel inferior, which I did.
After being with the ow, he realized, he was going down the wrong path, one night, we had a huge blow out fight, everything came out on the table....
We reconciled.
He ended it with ow, when he realized, we could have another chance.

I feel for his ow, Im not here to bash her. I know her heart was broken, I heard her on the phone with my husband, yelling screaming, crying...no woman deserves this...but, she knew he was married.

Infidelity does not automatically mean, the marriage is a failure, it only means it failed somewhere. But when both people put their hearts into it, it can be so much better when you learn from your mistakes. I know, I never ever have to worry about him cheating. This experience has so taken a toll on him.
Its over for us, we found something better than we had before,...the level that most will never comprehend. Our marriage is a union of souls, sometimes, something really bad has to happen to pull people together.

From a wife to the other woman....when you find these men, think twice. They have issues. Its not always the wifes fault, be wary of the man who will not accept the failure in the marriage, hes sneaky. When you find the married man, who is telling you, he is failing his wife, he loves his wife, but shes blah blah blah...he is the one, who will go back when things get on track.

I am so sorry for all your pain.
Remember this, "PEOPLE CAN HURT YOU ONLY IF YOU LET THEM!"

written by finallygoingforward, 21 September, 2009

I have been on this website since I found out my husband cheated August ‘08.

I have posted nice things and not so nice things, I have read each thread.
The conclusion I have come up with is:

If you are unhappy in your marriage, chances are, so is your spouse.
If you are looking to cheat, chances are, so is your spouse.
If you mistreat your spouse, there is someone out there, that will not.
If you don’t love your spouse, there is someone out there who will.

Marriage, is what you make it. No one is to blame if it fails except husband and wife. It will be what you make it or what you let it become.

If you truly love each other, with communication and change, you can both rebuild something bigger and more beautiful than you ever had.

I have the bigger and more beautiful.

I would like to thank the wives and ow’s that post on this site, understanding your pain and agony has helped me cope with mine.

I hope you all find peace and happiness within yourselves to move ahead in life and strive to become better people.
We can all better ourselves from our mistakes and we can guide others to make the right decisions when faced with the same dilemma.

God bless all of you!

written by justanotherhuman, 21 September, 2009

Hi feelingyourpain,
I am so, so sorry, for how your husband has chosen to disrespect you. I can tell from your post that he has devastated you, with his selfish choices.

I wish I had the answers to your questions, because they would answer some of mine as well.

As for the woman that calls you and harasses you, she’s a pathetic, insecure human and karma will come to her full circle, no doubt.

Take care and best wishes.

written by justanotherhuman, 21 September, 2009

Thank you so much realitychekplease, your post was one that I related to. Everything that you wrote, has been something of which I have thought and considered based on my own experiences.

written by feelingyourpain, 21 September, 2009

Thank you all for understanding, from wives to ow...yes it is devastation!

written by somewhere, 22 September, 2009

Never say never until you walk in someones shoes. What a ride but I’m so glad it’s over. Way too much pain for anyone to endure. All the crying, wondering, wishing doesn’t do any good and will not change the past and is no way to live. Strive to build a better future for yourself and above all, STAY HAPPY.

written by ROSIE, 23 September, 2009

We are all human, we cant be so ignorant to believe in life there will never be another who can steal our attention away from our spouses.......

Usually when this happens, the infatuated spouse begins to find "problems" in their marriage...they use the sympathy card to get attention/affection from that om/ow....then usually, when they get what they want.

people who have a true connection, will stay together, whether its mm/ow mm/w w/h w/om..........ok...it doesnt matter what the "status" of the person is...its two human beings...who love each other and through whatever process....they want to be with each other.

So, if you are the ow, dumped by mm and hes with his wife, its because HE WANTS TO BE...IF YOU ARE A WIFE AND HE LEFT YOU TO BE WITH OW, HE WANTS TO BE THERE.

SIMPLE!

written by happilymarried, 23 September, 2009

Affairs happen when the marriage has already failed.

We wives cannot blame the ow here! Lets face the facts, somewhere along the line, we dropped the ball...both of us..husband and wife.

Pick the ball back up....and run with it....give each other what you both need and theres no way another woman or man can come into your marriage!

written by brokenwife, 23 September, 2009

torealitychekplease,
I read your post, and thought it was great.
It sounds like a man that I know.
Good luck to you !!!

written by leftlonleyconfused, 25 September, 2009

I met my affairee over 3 years ago. The first time I saw him I knew he would be part of my life. He was married his first wife cheated on him with his best friend. I was married my first husband left me 6 weeks after I gave birth to our third child.
My OM and I became friends, he is in a de facto relationship for some 6 years. We sat down in a coffee shop one day and decided we would become friends with benefits. We both wanted sex, our way.
We dont talk about his relationship but I know from various sources that it has always been very volatile.
My feelings for him grew and I was honest enough to let him know as feelings werent part of our agreement. He wanted to keep the relationship going.
At various times we both tried to end it but it never worked. Then some 6 months ago his partner received an anonymous letter sent to her office at work. It was generic saying he was seeing someone else. We have stopped our sex life and he wants to stay friends. I am coming to grips with all this and am heading off on an overseas holiday soon.
I look forward to meeting someone totally and only for me. I still miss him and it still hurts but it is getting better.
Before I met him my heart had been closed for over 5 years. I guess I can close if off again.

written by i am both, 27 September, 2009

I am both....I was the ow and now the wife....

The reason for your heartache is....as the ow, you give yourself more power by thinking you mean more to him than you really do (after all, hes spending the time with you and not his wife)...and most importantly, you are giving too much of yourself to a man, who cannot handle ONE relationship...what makes you think he can handle 2?

written by brokenwife, 29 September, 2009

to heartsick angel,
Hi I was reading the posts here, And Maybe you should go talk to the wife and let her know what her husband has done and what he is like.
I’m betting he has lied to her and swore he has never cheated.
He probably has told his wife all sorts of lies while he was stringing you along.
Lot’s of wives would like to hear from the ow.
So they can get both sides.
Don’t mail things,contact her ask to meet.
Tell her everything and see what he does then.

written by stillhiswife, 30 September, 2009

I would like to know why you ow think you really know whats going on in the mm marriage..you only hear one side, the side hes telling you and the only his side or lies he wants you to believe......

to heartsickangel...how do you really know hes not happy in his marriage, or his wife isnt??? Are you there? Or, are you recording their conversations???.....Hes only telling you things, so it doesnt get ugly...yes, you are being played....you played with this fire, now, get ready to feel the pain from the burn!

you made yourself too important to him in your own mind...If he wanted to be with you, he would be there with you...he would leave..and if his wife was unhappy, she would leave..believe me..been there, done it!

The person I pity here is his wife, she is the one who will hurt...her pain will be greater than yours and his....do the right thing, and walk away, you dont have to tell her anything! He had his fun with you, now, he wants out. Hes telling you this stuff so you dont cause problems for him, thats all.

With what little dignity you still may have left...walk away and learn from this mistake!

and fyi....this is a wife, who does not suggest you contact his wife....you think we dont know some of you will fabricate stories and make yourselves look like you really meant something to him ? Thats what my husbands ow did, I had all his emails to and from her....she was clearly kicked to the curb...but she told me, he was begging her to see her again and quite shocked when I read his response back to her, after she was begging HIM TO SEE HIM AGAIN! You will only look like a "bitter" bigger fool than he made you already!

written by my husband’s wife, 30 September, 2009

I’m the wife. Up to now, i am being tormented by this woman who i know is just the thing of the past. She has the same philosophy as ‘Guest...(who commented on Jan 20 07), "I knew the couple and his wife treated him terribly..When we marry it doesn’t give us a license to treat the other person any way we want and expect that they have to take it. If they can’t take it and have an affair then live with the uncaring spouse condemning them and making them pay for the rest of their lives. I love him enough not to make his life more miserable than it already is. I will always hold him close in my heart. ALWAYS! "
It’s not the ‘other woman’s ‘ responsibility to be the judge over a wife’s shortcomings to his husband nor has the right to meddle in a husband and wife relationship. You’ll hear what you want to hear because you are in love with this guy. And his friends’ stories will still neither give the ‘other woman’ the right to do that. What about the other half’s (the husband) shortcomings? Have you heard of them? Of course not. I tell you, a wife is a woman. She seeks love, and caring, and support (she has the right to be supported by the husband financially and made her feel dependent on him somehow, and this is where husbands commit the biggest mistake if wives are able!)and if these are lacking, result is a nagging wife, unable to open up to her husband, more so will become worse if husband is not doing anything upon learning what wife wants. See?

written by The toy, 30 September, 2009

I don’t understand how my emotions can keep flowing but I cannot keep up with them. I miss him more than ever. Some days I don’t think that I can breath. It gets better right? I am feeling alone and empty. If I had known what this would do.. Shoulda, coulda woulda??? I hate this feeling.

written by other woman to other woman, 01 October, 2009

wow, this hits home. I recently left a horrible abusive relationship that has lasted a year and half. Again, a man was there for me/ understood me was someone I worked with. He was unhappy with his marriage and said he’d been wanting to leave for almost 2 years. Needless to say I uncomfortably went along with it because I was so happy with him and his wife sat me down to tell me I wasn’t a home wrecker, it was just bad timing. Things never moved forward but I was afraid to question him because I didn’t want to lose him. MY feelings went from confusing to down right insane as time went by and I was torn between hiding, fear, and hating myself and being happy those times I was with him and could forget that he would go home to her at night. I was willing to give up my life, and have come pretty darn close ( no friends, no job, little contact with family). I was called by his wife to tell me that he was having sex with her on a frequent basis and in great detail. I was under the impression they were sleeping in seperate rooms and barely talking but financial reasons kept him there.
At the moment I feel dirty, used, and stupid. I don’t know if his feelings for me were love or some sick manipulative game. I believe a man who doesn’t leave, usually won’t. Excuses will only last for so long. It is not ok for a man to stay with his wife if he cares about the ‘other woman’ but want a devoted serious relationship from her. I know I have done more for him than I ever believed I could do and it wasn’t enough. In my sane moments, I know that if I put half the energy into someone else I could have a fulfilling and devoted relationship. But those rational thoughts don’t help when you’re crying alone, knowing the man you planned to live your life with is sleeping with another woman and you never actually stood a chance.
I know it’s hard to think about, believe me I know, but ask yourself: don’t you want someone you won’t have to hide. If you love someone, you want to shout to the world how great they are but in an affair you don’t get the privilege. I still miss him, and have times when I think that those moments of happiness were enough to sustain me, but I was wrong. Judging by my current level of depression, It would never had been enough.
My advice for anyone trapped in a situation like mine: No matter how much it hurts to even think about being without that person, imagine a life where you can have that happiness ALL THE TIME, and be proud of your love. Not ashamed. The idea of having a happy relationship and a happy life in one keeps me going at night.

written by justanotherhuman, 01 October, 2009

You are thinking the same way that I am other woman to other woman.

I am currently trying to end a three yr affair with a MM. I am single. Everything that you have written, I have considered on several occasions.

I have decided that I just cannot continue putting myself through this roller coaster. Especially knowing deep down in my heart this isn’t something that I approve of. Despite the fact that I am in deep emotionally with this man, I don’t like the way I have become someone I am not.

I don’t want to be a home wrecker, a deceiver, liar. I love women and I know how hard a wife and mother sacrifices. If a man is having problems at home with his wife, an A isn’t going to solve it and I don’t feel like I was put on this earth to be someones mistress.

I understand why these wives feel justified in lashing out at OW, they only see us in one light. They don’t care that we are human too, they see us as the invaders of their lives and all they understand is the pain that they were unfairly brought into.

I also understand the OW and the pain they have to endure and how they beat themselves up for being vulnerable and pulled into compromising situations because of this. When this MM came into my life, I did tell him to go to hell and never, ever call me again.

He’d wait until I was calmed down and come right back. In the end, there isn’t any justifications for my choices and I won’t make excuses. I have to live the rest of my life with an std that this man gave me, so whether or not I want to forget him, it’s not likely I will.

written by LD love affair, 01 October, 2009

Reading some of your experiences really hits home for me ladies. I am right in the middle of a mess we created 3 years and from a long distance!

I met a man who was clearly missing something in his marriage. He married so young and recalls knowing his heart wasn’t in it when he said his vows. He wanted to be this woman’s hero as she had a 10-month old baby from someone. He adopted her a couple years later. They’ve had a rough ride for 30 years. When we met online, it was a friendship and eventually he told me he was married. We both signed onto the companionship. I wasn’t looking for a commitment, so the relationship worked for us. He was painfully honest with me about his past, how he’d talked to a woman for 7 years and then it ended. I should have taken my cue from that experience. The woman was devastated and spoke with the wife telling her she was in love with her husband. He said he wasn’t in love with his wife and I said you need to decide how you want to live your life and allow her to find the happiness we all deserve. He felt guilty because he said I had what she’s always wanted. We spoke by phone everyday for 3 years. I travelled to the States to meet him and he just came to Canada a month ago to see me and meet my family. So, his wife calls me with so many questions and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about us being physical. He has told me all along that I deserved better, but he gave me everything I wanted from a man, and I’m not proud of what I’ve done, but when you invest the feelings so intensely over these 3 years it is very difficult to know how to move forward. He is seeing a therapist to determine if his marriage needs to end and if I’m like an "addiction" or this is real. His grown kids asked that if he hadn’t gotten caught, would he still be talking to "this woman" and he said. "Yes"

Woman think the most devastating thing about an affair is the sex. I think there’s a real problem if there is a bond that is formed. I’m trying to figure out if and how to walk away but I am bothered that she thinks the previous 7-year online relationship was only 6 months and she believes we’ve only known each other 6 months. She is being tortured because he won’t answer her questions and say if we were intimate and he simply won’t. He says he’ll lose his house and not be able to see his grandkids. IF I WALK AWAY, I am asking myself if she has the right to know, if not from him, then from me, not as a vengeful act, but in a way, the truth sets one free. I’m all over the place with feelings and trying not to spiral down.

written by Honestyisthebestpolicy, 01 October, 2009

To stillhiswife:

If your husband lied to you and had an affair, why wouldn’t he continue to lie to you now? If he didn’t confess to you without being "outted" by the other woman, there is a very real chance he could have let it gone on as long as she was happy with their affair. The OW pushed the issue or she could have also just gotten tired of him and wiser to the fact that her married man/your husband was a lying, cheating idiot.

The other woman may or may not be lying to you about your husband’s role in the affair – however don’t throw stones in glass houses – you look just as bad as the other woman by attacking her instead of directing your anger towards your lying cheating husband.

written by brokenwife, 01 October, 2009

This is to all the ladies above who posted about the affairs.
I see a lot of pain here from you all.
I am a wife who was cheated on.
And now you all know the pain that we feel because we have been betrayed.
I think one post said she was still a wife,I am too, and I hope that the pain reaches these women in places they did’nt know can hurt.
And the next time they are approached by a married man they will tell him to drop dead.
We as wives should not have to feel this pain and them as women should not have to endure the pain of feeling used and abused.It’s kind of like the table has already turned when the man leaves them because they feel used,cheated abused.
And that is how we feel when we find out they are cheating,when all we have done is try to be good loving caring wives who never asked for this type of pain either.Lesson learned is do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
If you don’t like how this feels,then maybe you will never do this again to another person no matter what.
I wish you all happiness and peace.
And your true love will happen when you least expect it.
But never ever hurt another for your own selfish reasons,and some mans lies to you about his wife and home life.It is never usually the truth.
keep your heads up!!!
Your love will happen when it’s right.
God bless all
And peace

written by LD love affair, 02 October, 2009

Just a Wife.

Thank you for your comments and insights. It’s been a real eye-opener to hear from others who have been on both sides of this craziness.

It wasn’t until the wife called me that I actually put a real person to the name. I didn’t give her much thought because he never did. He said their prob was communication and could barely be civil, and told her he was not in love with her. She told me their whole life story on the phone for an hour and I just listened, but I felt bad that I knew everything already. She is struggling with whether or not we were intimate, she said he says no and she asked if we even hugged or kissed and I said "No". I just didn’t want to go there and devastate her. Again, he says he will never admit to it because of his family and the possibility of losing "his" house. If she knew, she could make an informed decision once and for all for herself but its up to him to come clean. I’ve never felt this awful before emotionally, he gave me everything that he felt guilty he couldn’t give her and now we’re both suffering in our own ways. I know healing is possible, but I want to be sure I never make this mistake again. This was an online affair that went from 100s of emails to 100s of phone calls and its just not that easy to walk away, but I know I have to.

written by stillhiswife, 02 October, 2009

To Honesty is the best policy:

My husband ended it with her , it was not an affair..she wanted more from him, HE wanted nothing more from her, when he realized we had a chance to be together, she was out!

He didnt tell me about it because, we reconciled before I found out about her, we were gone from each other emotionally, I was interested in someone else, but, i had enough respect for myself and marriage in general not to start anything till after we separated...but, as fate would have it...we got back together when my husband realized what he was losing,..as did I.

He told the ow, hes fighting for his marriage, hes not giving me up,.....now, if shes the one tired of him, why did she call me to tell me all this, to try and ruin my marriage..she wanted me to throw him out, so he would come to her, which he wouldnt have...wouldnt she just be happy to get rid of him if she wanted to end it? Why call me???

He didnt tell me because our marriage was so good, he didnt want to cause me any more pain...yes is sucks hearing it from her, but looking back on it now, I know she only beat him to it. He would have told me....the guilt was destroying his health.

If I ever thought he would do it again, he wouldnt get this chance..but, I know where we both were and what was going on in our life.

This ow, is a liar, she told me they have a 4 year old child...which she denies now, because it really makes her look like a crazy -desperate fool! Im sure there is some truth in what she says...i know my husband! Believe me, he cant hide anything from me...when he was doing this bullshit, I suspected...just didnt give a crap!

And for the record, I am not throwing stones....but lets face reality, she wanted the "cheating idiot"..he didnt want her...so of course shes going to twist things to make it out like some big love affair...when it wasnt! But I guess in your mind, you have to fabricate things to make yourself feel better...

written by theunknowingmistress, 03 October, 2009

My story is a tad different, but still the same. I met a man, "love at first sight" for both of us. Intense passion, mental connection, as he put it Mind, Body, Soul. We have been together for almost two years, the happiest I have ever been, I thought he was my gift for having had a rotten life. Last night I found his supposed ex-wife on facebook. While he was supposed to be on a huge business trip, I found he was on vacation with his family. I checked him out, ran all phone numbers, checked out his business, addresses everything. I thought he was divorced. we were doing long distance until he could retire. Hundreds of emails a day, seeing each other a couple times a month, he was in canada me in the US. I am so ashamed, hurt and need answers. We had a future planned. Now I have to walk away from the love of my life, when I was just his mistress. I want to hit him, cry and throw things, but I don’t dare lose control, if I do I might not come back. I never would have knowingly been the other woman. I tried to be smart. I don’t let people in easily, I never have, I let my guard down for him. Now I walk back into my hard shell, I lose my joy!

Any suggestions for me? Yes I will go on with my life, I will be busy, I always am, I am a workaholic, I am an active mother and grandmother, I will now forever be alone as I can’t face the thought of being hurt like this again. I don’t want to shut down, but this pain is so deep. The future we had planned is dead. As is my heart I never believed in "love at first sight" I should never have believed it this time. I need answers.

written by HereIPostAgain, 03 October, 2009

I guess you could say I do it/did it for the excitement. My spouse doesn’t seem to want to have a life with me. The other person in the affair is also married, happily so they say.

I do feel guilty and bad and didn’t expect the affair to go on and on like it has. He has wisely ended it when his wife and daughter began making remarks about someone they knew that cheated and is getting divorced.

I am now just making my way. I have no desire to do this again. I have no desire to divorce really or remarry anyone.

This affair filled in gaps of a life full of voids. Loneliness mostly. And unfulfilled needs.

Please don’t judge those of us who fall into this too harshly. Needs can sometimes outweigh good judgment.

Would I do it again? Only if there was a future.

written by Miss him!, 03 October, 2009

I am the OW. The trouble with good men is that, rightly so, they have a conscience. When his wife found out accidentally he totally defused our affair to her as not to hurt her even more. Seeing her so devastated just caused so much guilt. She did not deserve to be hurt and was oblivious to our affair. He is suffering too. I am obviously still in love with him. This is still all very raw as she only found out recently.
He had talked about wanting me in his life and loving me wholeheartedly. I still feel as though he is the love of my life. I am devastated. You know, its hard when you’ve had a wonderful relationship, coz thats what it was, and you have never seen or don’t know the wife. You put it all to the back of your mind and don’t face the truth. Then nothing changes for you but it has to all end. Just like that. Finished. I do understand why he is now trying to rebuild his marriage. The long term history they have and the kids and their families. All being the innocent parties. We were truly in love, I don’t care what anyone says. Please don’t think I’m deluded, I know what we had. He is a good man. We just fell for eachother, big time. The feelings I have at the moment are like nothing before. The truth being that all three of us are hurting dreadfully. I for the loss, him for the guilt and her for the betrayal. What a mess. I am now trying desperately to let go. He’s made his choice to be with his wife. I know he still loves me but I also know he loves his wife too. In different ways probably. I know for a fact I will never get involved with a married man ever again. I will always remember this pain. Still struggling to come to terms with it all at the moment. So heartbroken. We all end up being victims.

written by ending now, 04 October, 2009

What an eye opener this has been. Have read through so many of the posts from both sides but "Another broken hearted woman"’s posts in April 2009 are the ones that really will carry me through this ! Wish I had found this site many moons ago and perhaps my heart would have been less bruised and head less scrambled ! Time to delete "temporary files" and defrag my life !!

written by just a wife, 04 October, 2009

to still his wife,
I feel your pain and your anger.
It doesn’t matter what she says now does it?
You have your husband.She doesn’t
And if he actually wanted to be with her he would have left you divorced etc.He did’nt
Don’t let this eat you up inside.It will destroy your healing of your marriage.
Your husband is with you not her.No matter what happened what took place you have him still.
He loves you truly or he would have been gone.
I too have been lied to cheated on and hurt so badly.
But I knew my husband was never leaving me.
I knew this was either some midlife crisis or he just did’nt want to pass up some freebies offered to him.
Either way I knew he was not leaving his marriage.
He was terrified of the fact of me finding out period that he had even been with someone else.And when i confronted him he would deny it,And I knew it happened,As you said we as wives know our husbands.His ow fed him the lies to tell me.He never has lied and doesn’t even know how to tell a good lie,that busted him first off.
He is still afraid of me finding out all the truth and the ow are cowards and ashamed they won’t speak up.I wish they would.I’d like to hear just what they have to say.But he is here and always was he never did stay out at night,they were cheapened and had sex in cars and outside.But not once did I ever feel i would loose my husband to her she thought she was going to have this fairy tale she dreamnt of.Not with mine she won’t
So let it go don’t argue back and forth with her,it’s not worth it.Enjoy your husband.

written by To the spouses, 04 October, 2009

Stop blaming the other woman. They are just an outlet/hobby for your man who is apparently "God’s gift to women"! He has you and all the cake he can eat.

Not normal.

written by happily married, 04 October, 2009

To Just a wife, thank you for your kind words! We were hurt for sure, but, we can be grateful that we werent hurt AND used!

To all you ow, I am sorry too for your pain, no woman deserves pain like this, but, as a wife, we dont ask for the 3rd party to join our marriage, you knowingly give yourself to a man you know is taken and you freely make yourself the 3rd party...when you hurt, its a position you put yourself in to. I see a lot of anger directed at the wives on this site too, and words that we dont belong..but, naturally wives come with the husbands you enter a relationship into..so, here we are!
I never asked my husband to go out and cheat on me while we were having marriage problems. But now, he is home and he is all mine and we will not make those mistakes again and we will enjoy our marriage!
Just a wife, enjoy yours too!

written by persephone, 04 October, 2009

There is much pain involved for all sides. I do not know the best way to proceed when a relationship beckons so strongly that infidelity seems to hold no moral bounds. Clearly the people who say that it reflects on how immature the perpetrators are and how escapism is relevant count. Sometimes people cannot leave previous commitments involving children. These are powerful connections that other women should not feel surprised they do not override.
I find it strange how few comments feature the immense difficulty facing a man choosing between a new and real love and the children and wife that are the center of his life. Even if he married the wrong woman, he did it and owes something. Any good man would choose his responsibilities above love/ That’s why you love him. he is a good man. It is sorry, especially if it really is a ruin of a marriage. But most likely, the affair has shown him the reasons he married her in the first place, or at least why he chose to live with someone who did not love him.
I have been involved in this sort of thing, and I would like to hear more understanding for all hurt parties from those involved.

written by justanotherhuman, 05 October, 2009

Thank you for a very rational & impartial attitude persophone. I wish we could all learn some things from one another. We all came here because we’re searching for understanding.

written by LD love affair, 05 October, 2009

Persephone, I read a lot of posts today and it was you comment about how you find it strange how few comments mention the immense difficulty facing a man choosing between a new and real love. In my case, he did marry the wrong woman, he told me that this morning as he tried to explain why he needed to work on himself, that she helped him create the community he now lives in, raise their kids and now enjoy their grandkids. I get that. He still owes the responsibilities. I do love him because he is a good man, just making bad choices. He wants me to remember what we had and move on. He wants to spare any more hurt.

Her and I spoke for an hour after she discovered he’d come to Canada from the States to see me 4 weeks ago. He said he knew no-one in Canada so the lying is hurtful enough. But she struggles with not knowing the truth, I think a lot of wives do. She said if we had even kissed she will not stay with him. So, as Justawife said that the OW are cowards and won’t speak up, it’s the other way around in my case. I don’t want to come across as being vindictive and vengeful, but there’s a part of me who wants to let the truth set everyone free and then all involved can move forward. She has the right to know what she’s up against. He knows he’s dodged a bullet by her not knowing the truth. But he can’t tell me that he’s going to work on being a better man or husband w/out fessing up and being honest when she asks.

For those feeling pain. I feel it too. It’s real and the word everyone is using is "DEVASTATED" Today is probably the last time I will speak to him, but I am going to sit up straight and be grateful for what he was able to share with me. Some people go a LIFETIME without ever feeling something special, even married folks, so with the grace (and not scorn) of a woman, hold your head up and be there for yourself. You have to change your perspective or else you will continue to suffer.

I am scared to think of myself being alone too, especially alone with my thoughts and memories. If you believe he is feeling bad too, will miss you too, than use that as a stepping stone from despair to anger, from anger to frustration, from frustration to feeling hopeful, then belief, then make your own sunshine. And before you know it, you’ll remember who you are.

My MM often says, "Hey, no-one died" but the truth is, they may as well have, you’re truly mourning a loss, your loss of love and its so damn hard to know what to do with the pain. The important thing is NOT TO TURN IT inwards, or feel like your happiness is over. If you liked how you felt about yourself in his presence, start there, continuing to love how you feel about yourself. We’re missing that "feeling" and it’s one of the worse emotions ever, BUT HEAR THIS, it’s not him who brought that out in you, it’s YOU who brought that out in you.

MISSYOU – People come into your life for a REASON, A SEASON, or a LIFETIME. In my case, it was for a reason. I learned how to communicate better, stick up for myself, trust more, share feeling, etc., etc., and he was the one who was fortunate enough to find you if only for awhile. You will take those strengths and in time, make someone else feel great about themselves while in your presence, I promise you.

In the meantime, my letting go begins today. For my own peace of mind, I have to. Google on youtube "Abraham (secret behind the secret) conclusion.

Much Peace!

written by JAJA, 05 October, 2009

affairs suck.
they ruin lives from spouses, to children to family to friends.

written by spicegirl, 05 October, 2009

Persephone,

Are you trying to say that when a married man chooses his wife over his affair partner, he choosing his "responsibilities" above love? You dont believe a married man can make a mistake and realize that his wife is his love? I got one you can talk to!!

I think you are grasping for straws and not seeing the real issue your married man didnt want you....it is about love, about not loving you, he loves his wife and his family, its not being about " a good man and choosing his responsibilities over love, he chose love, he went home to the woman he loves and his family.
You should see it for what it really is...but I don understand justifying it the way you are to make yourself feel better.
I understand your pain, believe me...but please see it for what it really is and heal yourself!

written by beenThereDoneThat, 05 October, 2009

To the married women and men who have been cheated on.

Keep your spouse!

I never wanted to cheat, and your spouse was the one who crossed line. Granted, I went along with it. But it’s your spouse who wanted the friendship to be more.

No one ever wants to cheat. So stop blaming us and blame your beloved. I think it’s easy for you to blame the spouse, but the truth is your marriage went wrong to such an extent someone cheats.

written by youstilldontGetIt, 05 October, 2009

to happily married,

What a catch -- this man of your’s!

He cheats and probably tells the OW about how he really doesn’t love you. And then he gets caught and now he’s "all yours" as you say.

Silly! The only one dumber than the OW is the wife that actually believes him. He’d still be cheating if he could get away with it is what I’m trying to say.

Glad you caught him.

written by Marylin, 05 October, 2009

I’m in an affair and don’t know what to do. It just got so complicated so fast that I can barely hold on. I need advice and compassion would be appreciated, though it is not not necessary. I suppose first I need to explain.
I’m very young, barely more than a child really and a university student, although hypothetically smart enough to make better decisions than I’ve made. I’m not interested in making excuses. I met this man at my summer workplace; he’s older, as they often are, although not by much especially compared to others on here; he married young and hasn’t had time to have children or even a good family pet, etc. We were friends for a month or so before it came out almost all at once that he was attracted to me and was, obviously, married. I was attracted to him too but against extra martial affairs, so I kidded myself into believing we could be "just friends" and told him so. This went on, our "friendship" probably an infidelity of sorts in and of itself but both of us denying this was so. I was so stupid.

A month later altogether too much alcohol got involved, though, and, for better or worse, it was taken to the next level, where there was no ambiguity. I tried to back out of it immediately after but it was no use; he kept telling me how much he wanted me in his life and I found that a big part of me wanted him too. Selfishly, I threw caution aside and quickly grew addicted to his affection, attention and just the way he really saw me but wanted me anyway. Want and lust turned to love and we spent every possible stolen moment together, living some kind of romantic espionage, desperate to spend time together.
I comforted my guilty conscience by convincing myself that I’d distance myself from this man I loved so well when I left again for school and that everything would be ok, that it would be for the best and that I’d be strong enough to end it before anyone was brought to pain.
I don’t know whether this would have been true or not, as just days after arrival back I found out I was pregnant. It felt like karma and I just drowned. I told him because i felt terrified and alone, and he was supportive of any decision I might’ve chosen to make; surprisingly open to all the "options" for a man I’d never even considered as open to leaving his wife or letting me into his life permanently. I got rid of the baby; I couldn’t handle it. I hate myself for doing it, but I did it because I didn’t want to attach myself to him anymore. It backfired because his support only made me love him more.
I feel I need to end this, but I’m not strong enough to do it. I need to see a therapist but I feel they’d judge me as harshly as anyone else. I wouldn’t blame them. I hate all of this and I hate myself. It’s so fucked up. I want him and I want him out. I want everything.

That’s the problem with us, right?

written by anotherview, 06 October, 2009

How about analyzing the level of worthlessness some men feel, when they are failing in all aspects of their life,that make them stoop to a lower level they believed didnt exist, till they have an affair, when they make choices they know are so unbelievably wrong, but feel so lost,how about analyzing that??

Then ,analyze, how, some people make bad choices from bad things that happen in their lives, and now who will live with the pain, guilt and shame of hurting the very people he swore to love , honor, cherish, respect and protect for life! Then analyze how this man, will live the rest of his days loving and caring for a woman, who loves him unconditionally, a woman he knows he failed in the worst way,help him to release the, regrets , the pain he holds so deep inside his heart,that will be there till the day he dies!

There isnt a day that goes by that I dont look at my family and cry!
Analyze that!

written by happily married, 06 October, 2009

to "you still dont get it!"

I didnt catch him girlfriend!...he came home long before I knew about her!
The ow is the one who "didnt get it"! She wouldnt give up on a man, who didnt want her. Who never did, used her to fill an empty place in his heart and mind, that I left.
But, hey, not arguing...I understand how used and abused a woman can feel after the ultimate humiliation when a man chooses the wife "he doesnt love" and his "horrible failed marriage" over you.

It’s ok to hurt and be bitter when a marriage you believe is so awful, and you believe will end and you believe hes "all yours" doesnt end and.....hes gone!! Back to that woman he doesnt love!

You dont know my husband or our circumstances in our marriage, you are a hurt woman, I hope one day, you find someone who can take the hurt out of your soul and you can look at an affair from a different perspective...it not all about passion and soulmates...sometimes, its a broken person, looking for someone to make themselves feel better and they make poor choices and they hurt the people who care about them.

I chose to forgive my husband, because, I do love him, no matter what, and through all this, our love has become deeper. I know, not what an ow wants to hear, He has always been an awesome husband , man, lover, father, friend and through all this, we hve become better together!
I will not throw this marriage away over a fling with a woman, who, put herself out there to be used and whose isnt worth the time of day!

I know now, there isnt anything we cant get through together, side by side. We have reached a place that marriages without infidelity probably will never reach! Sometimes, other people can put things in perspective for you you will work harder to protect what you almost lost!

A wife -Dumb, maybe in your eyes, you look at from the position of "the other woman" who had loves a a man who did not return the feelings...its only natural your anger would be directed to the wife. I know if this Mm was all yours, his wife would be calling you "dumb." Just the way it goes.
Women are vicious when it comes to men. I dont want to be that way.

God Bless you! I hope "you get it’ one day and realize, love will always prevail!

written by married the cheater, 06 October, 2009

Ladies, lets not forget we are here to help each other through this...its an advantage to have both sides of a womans story, wife and other woman.

To happily married, its obvious you and your husband have a strong love foundation to work through an infidelity. No wife/husband is stupid for taking their spouses back.
I have heard through when couples go through such a horrific experience, they do come out stronger and better..good for you, I wish you luck.

My marriage just ended. I married the mm I was having an affair with. I lived with the guilt of him leaving his wife and I always knew, he regretted not staying with her. After 2 years of hell, I finally, let go.

I am moving on and never looking back

written by i was young and dumb too, 06 October, 2009

Marylin, I was once in your shoes, he was my mentor at work. We began an affair.

I had an affair with him for 6 years, but never once wanted him to leave his wife! Never!

I was always disgusted with my situation and when I finally met an intelligent, professional young man, this old man, stood in my way, he tried to blackmail me, he was forcing me to stay with him, or he would tell my parents, who I adored and would never want to break their heart, he threatened to tell his wife...I was so tormented....so sick physically, it was horrible.

I never found myself pregnant, that would have been the final straw......it took a long time for me to "get out", when I finally called his bluff and told him to tell all.....I could no longer bare his old creepy touch on me!

I have struggled with that my whole life. It brought me down low.

I hope you find the strength to let him go and let yourself be loved by a young man who you can grow old with...not some old geezer you will end up hating for stealing your youth!

Forgive yourself.

written by justanotherhuman, 06 October, 2009

anotherview,
I think that all of us OW/OM, spouses, we understand what you’ve expressed so well in your post.

This is something that we’ve all shared at some point and possibly why we’ve all found ourselves in these A’s.

I won’t speak for everyone, however the majority of us OW, do feel guilt and we do carry the weight of a combination of emotions being a secret. I don’t think we woke up one morning and said, "hmmmm...think I’ll have an A".

What it does to both men and women who are the "other" is so damaging emotionally, it’s beyond description.

written by LD love affair, 06 October, 2009

When I look around at my family and friends who are married, they are either no longer married, or STUCK as they put it, in a situation that has lost all the excitement, fun, joy, etc. As a single woman who was deceived by an ex-fiancee, I realize in retrospect that getting involved with a married man was safer, the wife he claims to be devoid of feelings from was my insurance he wouldn’t wander from me. It’s warped thinking for sure. And I thought it was safe because he was in the States, I in Canada. Wrong. The emotional bond is formed as you are both on your best behavior, as he tries to determine the grass is greener on the other side.

Here’s the thing. The grass is NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE when you’re looking at if from a jaded perspective. Anything can seem better than the daily humdrum of married life with all its challenges. It would be different if a marriage ended all on its own, without the betrayal. Hell, only 50% of marriages survive these days which is a real shame, but I have a low opinion of marriage. My mother stayed in a marriage with my stepdad when she should have left. Instead she had an affair, and guess what, she had me. The problem is, my family is white and I’m black. Can you imagine the horror my stepdad felt when he realized the baby he had prepared to welcome into the world wasn’t his? And from a black man?? In those days???

So, now that the fog is beginning to clear, I am really starting to understand what this is all about. Our stories are similar, but the dynamics and the people aren’t the same. We can’t all be bunched into the same pile. All I know is I’m coming clean to clear my conscience and get on with my life. I can’t afford to feel this way again, not at this age.

written by too late for sorry, 07 October, 2009

I wish I would have found this site BEFORE I STARTED AN AFFAIR!

Thank you for all perspectives. So helpful. Im so lost. Maybe one day I will be able to share my pain. Right now, I just sit and cry.

I HAVE HURT AND EMBARRASSED SO MANY PEOPLE...MORE SO MYSELF.

written by justanotherhuman, 07 October, 2009

LD love affair,

I just wanted to send you a really big (((hug))).

I often wonder about the part my self esteem might have played in my choice to go into an A.

My H had walked out on me ,we had two children and had only 5 yrs prior bought our first home together.
I was born out of rape and my mother died when I was three yrs old.

I do think that subconsciously I was scarred, even though, I actually thought I was doing quite well on my own. I’d gotten into great physical shape,. Worked two jobs , kept the house , bought my two kids their first vehicles.

I really thought I was a force to be reckoned with. Since I got involved with this MM, it’s all changed.

written by too late for sorry, 07 October, 2009

to Just another human...how about what the "others" do to the spouse...even more damaging emotionally! After all, we are under the assumption, they are loyal to us...the 3rd party knows, the wife exists and they are second in line.

written by LD love affair, 07 October, 2009

You know what ladies? I think this is TRULY about self-esteem, self-worth etc. Women are such emotional beings that we absolutely NEED that kind of security in our lives. Chances are we’ve been wronged, duped, dumped, disrespected, etc. Now think about that for a minute. Is that your experience? Because my MM came along at a time I was vulnerable and going through a betrayal from my now EX-fiance who took me for alot of money. I needed to be comforted, but I didn’t need to be from someone else’s man. But I did let it happen, its intoxicating, that kind of attention that a married man is willing to bestow on us. They are on their BEST behaviour whilst trying to figure out if the grass is greener on the other side, while having their own egos stroked for being needed and appreciated. You see, they are looking for something that is missing in their marriages and the 2 needs colliding like that...... And in many cases, alot of these affairs are between TWO MARRIED PEOPLE. So who is wrong there, they’re both the OW/OM. I’m not saying when 2 ppl meet the other woman is always in distress, but there absolutely is something missing in his/her life for them to proceed. We are only human. That is not justifying the action, but now that I am out of the picture, I TRULY need to understand what just happened these past 3 years of my life.

Men who cheat don’t have enough respect for their wives OR themselves, and they can’t give away what they don’t have – - so we are all being disrespected, only its coated with sugar, words, deeds, whispers, and yes, lies.

This is what I’m started to really understand. Its a shame that women, married or otherwise, struggle with their self-esteem usually at the hands of someone who is supposed to love them. I confessed what I did to a friend who has been married for 20 years. She confessed that she was the mistress, and then the wife and she began to cry. She said that she was treated better as the mistress than she is being treated now as the wife. Men (and women) are looking for a temporary fix and ONLY when everything they’ve created in their lives (with their spouses) is threatened (being found out) do they snap out if and go running back leaving the OW in tatters. But the truth is, it devastates everyone.

written by beejay, 07 October, 2009

I’m leaving an affair of nearly three years. It really was love and affection and respect. I was "friends" with his wife before him and know exactly why he can’t consummate sexually with her or love her. I am single, loving and understanding. He has a deep need for intimacy, which he will never get with her. But he lacks the courage to face the overwhelming financial and family consequences of leaving her. I understand. So even though I know he will live in an empty shell of a marriage for the rest of his life, I cannot stay with him. I will love him always.

There is no marriage that is worth the loss of self-esteem and the complete degradation of your identity, which has happened to him. I can only hope that someday he finds the courage to finish the search for real love and intimacy that he had with me.

written by justanotherhuman, 08 October, 2009

...too late for sorry...I don’t know your story, however, I will agree that you are right in saying,"the third party knows the wife exist, and they are second in line", also,in reference to what you said, "how about what the "others" do to the spouse. After all we are under the assumption , they are loyal to us".

Not sure I understand what you mean by the, what "the others" are doing to you. Did you mean what the cheating spouse is doing to you? In my opinion the others, who are involved in an affair, with a married person, are responsible for their choice to get involved with a married person. To me it’s a poor choice and I regret my choice to do so. Either way, I won’t be getting involved with anymore married people.

The married person is the one responsible for what they are doing to their spouses.If they aren’t willing to live up to their commitments, it’s their moral responsibility, to be candid and honest with their significant others.

written by sad person, 08 October, 2009

My emotions are shot. Am in a 5 year long emotional affair with a MM. He has just gone through the trauma of losing both parents – I have been there for him – have dropped everything to be with him three times recently within a few hours when he asked me to meet – spent one day driving for 6 hours just talking. And then last week under stress with work (whilst still grieving) he lashes out at me verbally and tells me he will never feel anything for me in two phone calls. I was so hurt at such a turn around have not talked to him for two weeks – now he says it was all bad timing and is sorry. Have yet to see him. But am feeling bruised. We broke up last year and got back together again. I love him and know it is a no win situation – don’t want to break up our families (am married also). But for the first time in 6 years I am doubting that this lovely relationship is worth the emotional stress it causes me. But don’t feel I can make the break yet as he is grieving.
We are tied by an emotional bond we can’t easily let go off. And to all those ‘wives’
it can happen to anyone and doesn’t necessarily mean they are at fault.

written by LD love affair, 08 October, 2009

beejay – exactly right, a very similar scenario for me as well. The dynamics of affairs and struggling marriages is starting to show a familiar pattern although we all have different stories. Its the underlying reasons that launch these temporary relationships.

Thank you "justanotherhuman" I don’t look to garner sympathy or make that justify what I’ve done. But I do see how my history may have shaped me today. My oldest sibling told me that my mother threatened to run away with me if my 5 (white) siblings didn’t accept me. She knew that I truly would not have anyone in my corner. That’s sad when I think that she had to give her own children who did nothing wrong, an ultimatum like that. I grew up with my brothers hating me, telling me that their mom was not my mom. How nice!!

You have been through a lot and I too thought I was a force to be reckoned with. We bring our childhood and other issues with us no matter where we go. I realize now that role I played in this and its making it easier to let go. WE REALLLLLY need to work on a different perspective, otherwise, we will continue to pine for these men. I struggle with that everyday and I see that so many of us do. It’s like something bigger than us, but it’s because we are allowing ourselves to believe we are weak, that we are not strong enough to endure this and want better for ourselves. Do we really want a man, (no matter how much he has shaped us, helped us, supported us, loved us)under these circumstances??

We deserve more and we need to figure out how we can get to that place in our self-worth to be convinced of that.

written by happily married, 10 October, 2009

beejay,
Do you honestly believe anyone would stay in such a pathetic marriage as you describe in your post? Especially, in today’s day and age when divorce occurs like the sunset!

I love the way you ow’s believe hes staying in a pathetic loser marriage because he didnt chose to be with you ladies, maybe, hes just done with having his "fun" with you..maybe after this period of time, you have become no longer exciting and new and now he will find another ow elsewhere!

Or maybe, he doesnt love you like you believe he does. For whatever reason, if 2 people love each other, they wills say together. If they do not, they will separate.
If the two of you had this great relationship as you so describe, you would be together.

written by spicegirl, 12 October, 2009

Ld love affair, you are right, cheating men dont respect their wives or themselves...and least of all, they dont respect the ow.....dont forget that, most important!!!

written by LD Love Affair, 12 October, 2009

So I do my part to pull away, as difficult as that was....it was his suggestion, needing to work on his issues. He doesn’t want to lose the house and a place for his 3 grandkids to come to to visit. He said that he always took it for granted that those things would always be there while he went to look for something his life was missing. He and his wife no longer communicate, but I see that does not justify my behaviour. After speaking with her, she thinks I’m also a victim and apologized to me. Well, I can’t live with that, lying to her but I was giving her hubby the opportunity to come clean but its clear he won’t. He thinks he’s dodged a bullet. I have talked to betrayed wives on another site and they are all suggesting I do the right thing and come clean with her, especially because she asked me questions that I was not honest about.

I am meeting with my pastor and to talk about going to confession. I don’t want this following me around, and I did do something wrong.

Ladies, flip the script and put yourself in the wive’s shoes, perhaps for the 1st time EVER. I know its hard to do because we are getting anything from "that side", but this is about self-respect, and what would you want or do if you were the wife. It’s just something to consider. As much as I care about the MM, he can say he wants me all he wants. Its time to put ourselves first, examine (as deep as necessary) as to why we allow these men to become everything to us when they are not ours. If they want you, they need to finish what they started in their marriage and keep the secrets whre they belong....in the trash.

I’m just sayin’............

written by Sukochi, 12 October, 2009

I fell in love at 19 with the fiance of my best friend. I know it was so wrong. We finally had an affair after we had each been married to others a few years. The affair lasted a couple years. I moved away and still cared for him. Now, 35 years later, he showed up in the little town I live in now. Strange, but he lives here to. We had no idea who the other was though we had seen each other in the same Doctor’s office. Our looks have changed much over the years. He located me through the internet and showed up at my work one day. We started out as friends again, then he kissed me and it all started again. We left our spouses and filed for divorce, moved to another town and lived together. One and a half months into it, his wife showed up one night and he packed and left with her. Not a word to me. My husband took me back. I was devastated when B. left. I was in shock. He left me with no car and no money. It has taken a year to get over him but I have. We are no longer in contact. I think they still live here but have not seen either of them. They moved out of their house shortly after we came home, changed their phone numbers, which are unlisted and email addresses. I still think of him with love but as a friend. Even though he devastated me in such a cruel way. Thank God for my husband. We have repaired what was wrong with our marriage that had led me to do this terrible thing. We are both in therapy and have been for over a year. I will always miss B. but there is a reason why people from your past don’t make it to your future.

written by bothered, 12 October, 2009

I had a relationship with a man who was involved, not married, but involved. We conceived a child and it’s been eight years. We were both young and I found my self in hindsight drinking more than I should have. Four months after I delivered he and his girlfriend found out they were expecting and he decided the best thing was to get married. I found the best lawyer in town and made things legal. We moved away, I got married and life was fine until I moved back to our home town. Now everyone is whispering and I’m the bad guy. I know that being involved with him was wrong but I’m angry that he gets to walk around with a trophy and my child has to go around grown adults whispering. How should I feel? My therapist says just answer his questions honestly but I have a lot of anger. I’m respected in business, and I’m a great mom. College done, good job done. Just walking around mad...I know she is too, but we never even talked about it.

written by Foolish, 16 October, 2009

I was with my husband 23 years. We have a children. I met up with a past love a year and a half ago, just to say hello (although i knew i still had feelings for him). He was married at the time, kids. Instantly, we couldn’t stop talking to each other. We made out a couple times, and stopped short. We had discussions of how we still loved each other and after a few months became intimate. His wife moved out they separated (due to issues they had and the fact he shut her out). A month ago i moved out, separated with the intent that we would be together as planned. He still helps his wife, renos i her new house. He drops his kids off and spends time there. He tells me he isnt attracted to her sexually anymore, they are just friends. That they were not happy and something was missing. But then he tells me, he is confused and worries about the kids. That he feels guilty. He feel sorry for her. i dont know how we got to this point. Totally unlike me to have started this in the first place. In 23 years i never considered this. I know that we handled this very badly. We both have been through mental torture over it. I love him and want to be with him. I do not know how to walk away? or even if thats what i should do. I believe we were meant to be together. Anyone?? have any opinions other than, Your a bad person!

written by Recovering, 16 October, 2009

I was in a relationship with a MM for 18 months. It was typical, we started out friends, he complained about his marriage to me, I thought he was amazing, he made me feel good about myself and we went from there. He ended it, I was devastated and immediately started seeing a therapist to get through it. 10 months later and I’m in such a better place now! I’ve also learned from all of this that a man that can live a double life (which is what these MM’s do) has some serious issues.
So for all of you OW out there...you don’t want to be with a MM...a MM that can live a double life! It takes a certain type of person to do such a thing...to tell so many lies,where he begins to believe them. Its really kind of creepy if you think about it.
My best advice is to end it and immediately start seeing a therapist. Cry it out...get angry...feel bad for yourself...but you’ll get over it and move on. Let the wive’s deal with the mess! Let the wive’s deal with this man that can live a double life...that can so easily lie to someones face. Good Luck!

written by youstilldontGetIt, 17 October, 2009

tired of it. it’s been the worst time of my life. the men hold all the cards. they have too much equity to leave their "happy" home, but I tell you the truth, "happy" homes are never strayed from.

written by happilymarried, 17 October, 2009

To "you still dont get it" A happy home is NEVER strayed from....I agree with you 100%!

The problem is when you ow believe his wife is SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE UNHAPPINESS...and he can do no wrong!
If hes out hitting on you, you better believe hes got the issues, a real man will be home trying to fix his marriage or taking the steps for a divorce if he cant fix it, BEFORE he hooks up with one of you!

All others are looking for fun and games and you’re being played, not his wife, YOU, HIS WIFE ALREADY KNOWS HES AN IDIOT!

written by I BELIEVE IM THE WIFE, 17 October, 2009

To foolish,
I know about you. I have, thats why I moved out. For the record, I didnt want him anymore. Now he wants me back.

He wants to reconcile, hes letting you down gently, through all this, he discovered he loves me and dont believe him when he says nothing sexual is going on, it is. He cant get enough of me! Our sex is better than it ever was and getting better every single day!
He is telling you its the kids, because he doesnt want to hurt you. He is guilty, He says you are the biggest mistake of his life and now, hes telling me all about you and how unhappy he is with you and has made a huge mess out of his life, he wants rid of you, get the message and move on, ok! Leave him be, hes where he wants to be!
We were meant to be together...obviously, he could be with you now, easily and chooses not to!

written by 2timed, 17 October, 2009

What Im hearing here is....I WANT TO BE THE WIFE SO BADLY I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR HIM!"

Get some class and some self respect!
A man doesnt want a woman who is desperate for stolen moments!
Im sorry for you pain, but, you put yourself out there for a man, you put IT ALL OUT THERE FOR HIM, WHENEVER, WHERE EVER...YOU LET HIM USE YOU AND PROBABLY DEGRADE AND HUMILIATE YOU..What are you gaining by having an affair with a married man?

written by barely there, 17 October, 2009

No you still dont get it, they dont want you! Its not about "equity to leave their happy home" they are trying to let you down gently, like they fooled you in the first place about their "unhappy marriage" now they tell you, they have too much to lose.

You need to open your eyes ! They go home where they want to be! Sorry if this hurts you! No one likes to be used, but, you let him in...you gave it all to him, he took it,he doesnt want it anymore and is now telling you he CANT leave for whatever stupid reason you will believe !

You feel into the unhappy marriage trap, and now you fell into " I have to go home, too much to lose trap"

You have to understand one thing, his wife, is the one he chose for life, thats a special bond that is very hard to break, no matter how good you think your sex is, its probably better at home. You were something different, or a diversion he needed for whatever reason...you didnt mean anything to him or, he would be with you! Now, do you get that???

written by mrs. x, 17 October, 2009

women can lead a double live too, recovering...in fact, cheaters and the people they cheat with, live lies, they lead double lives...they hide the true nature of their relationship to everyone they know....he hides you from his friends and family and you hide him from your friends and family........so, you see, you were leading a double life too.

Thats what infidelity does to you.

written by Foolish, 18 October, 2009

OMG ~ thank you (in tears)- to I believe I am the wife – you have no idea what you have done for me. Ty

written by I BELIEVE IM THE WIFE, 20 October, 2009

To foolish, I dont know for sure of course if I am the wife of your lover...but there are just too many coincidences....Please, forgive me for hurting you, not my intention.

Please find a man who can make you happy no so sad.

written by Wiser, 21 October, 2009

Yesterday I said goodbye to my MM. Although we both love each other deeply, our happiness at his family’s expense will never be true happiness. I understand and support this, but I still mourn and feel a void. It is not a rejection; it is the only thing we can do.

Staying together for stolen moments would never be enough for either of us. The best way to honor the relationship we shared is to release it like a balloon. I know I will always love and remember him. As he will always love and remember me. But he is not mine to have. He belongs with his family. It is the only way as neither of us could live with the alternative.

I am not proud of what I have done. But at the same time, I would do it again, because in many ways, it was so right for both of us. We both acknowledge that we are the loves of each others lives, and given different circumstances we would enjoy a lifetime together.

We have been moving in this direction for 6 weeks; yesterday was the first time I saw him--and also the last time. It was nice to be able to say and hear all the things that we shared. In some ways it will help me move on, in other ways it makes it harder. It’s hard to walk away from love.

But I will. And I hope down the line I will find the love that I long for. And I wish him happiness. I will always love you rick.

written by tormentedbyfalsepromises, 22 October, 2009

I have been having an affair for 10yrs now. I am 27 nearly 28 i was 17 when we got together. He is now 51. I am now at that stage of realizing a lot of things and it is so painful. I feel he is my soul mate and best friend but then how can he treat his best friend this way???. I know he has lots of issues and i feel that i have over the years wanted to help him. I always thought that he had a chance to be a better person and love himself more and that i was the one to save him. Plus we have had a very healthy sex life together so he had emotional support and sexual fulfillment from me. I now realize that i have not had the emotional support i needed from him as the support i started to need was because of the fact i was being strung along by him so the relationship has created a need for support. I really truly and utterly believed his lies and promises that he would leave his girlfriend. He says things like " i have never really loved anyone before i met u" and when ever i have threatened to finish things with him he says "fine thats your choice, im gonna leave her anyway" and then that always convinced me to hang around because ive come this far i might as well wait a little longer as hes gonna leave her and then i will regret finishing it with him. So for many years i have actually felt trapped and have not known what to do so i chose to trust in him and believe him. It actually feels like having a carrot dangling in front of your face and hes saying im gonna give you this carrot, it is actual torment.

The other day i had a moment of suddenly waking up from his bullshit. He was at work and i was on the phone to him. I asked him if he would see me later (i often saw him almost every night, he said he couldnt stand being at home and would rather be with me), he said he couldnt see me because he had to go to his daughters parents evening. Her school is at the bottom of my st. Then he slipped up and said he might see me but it depends on what time he gets out of work then said " i mean the parents evening" I then realized that he could not see me because he was working late not because he had to attend a parents evening. I am disgusted that he would use his children for the sake of a petty lie at the time he said " im sorry i cant see you, oh i hate this, i feel like i have to chose between you and the kids all the time" to which i replied feeling guilty " it doesnt matter, forget it."

I drove past the school on the way to the petrol station that night as i needed to see 4 myself if he was lying or if i was paranoid and plus i needed fuel 4 the car and guess what? the school was locked up with no lights on and no parents evening. It was at that moment that i woke up and realized that if this man in which i blindly thought the sun shone out of his arse could lie and drag his daughter into that lie, if he is capable of that, How could i ever trust him and if he would go to such extremes to lie then he is capable of many hurtful and bad things.

I had suspected a terrible lie from him once and i wasnt sure if i was right because it was so ugly if it was true that i did not want to think that any human being could lie that way.

He rang me up once and said he could not see me that night as he was a the hospital because they had rushed his daughter in and she had to have emergency opp to have her appendix out as they were about to burst. This happened on a friday. The following monday i asked him if he had a good day and what had he done that day he said " yeah been really busy not stopped, went picking the kids up (he named them both as he said this), from school"
I said " hasnt *** had her appendix out 3 days ago surely they wont let her in school so soon"
he said that they did let her in. I thought right away that he was bull shitting me but it made me feel sick inside and i didnt think he was so evil as to use his daughters health and life as part of a lie just not to see me, but after the other day i now know he did.

sorry 4 rambling, guess i had a lot to say.
I would advise anyone who is having an affair has not been with him/her 4 that long or is thinking of getting involved in one not to !!! It has made me feel very depressed and it is very hard and totally stupid thing to do. They never leave!!!

What is the hardest is that i REALLY did believe that he would, he was so convincing.

Love is not and never enough, someone can promise u the earth tell u they love u but if u aint got respect and dignity from them, then its not worth it no matter how u feel for them.

written by r u kidding me, 23 October, 2009

He surely has you buffaloed! If you were the love of his life and he was yours, you two would be together!

You cheat with a married man, he uses you, then he gives you the 2 nd ultimate bullshit line-he has to go back to his family, he feels guilt, translated that means, the sex with you isnt exciting anymore and not as good as what I have at home.....(the first bullshit line was all that crap about his unhappy marriage).

When its true and real, you stay together.

written by LD love affair, 23 October, 2009

I normally don’t respond to other women’s opinions on here, but I have to say that I find it laughable that some of the women on here claim to know EXACTLY what everything means and translates to. You don’t. When something is "true and real, you stay together" is such a vague thing to say, obviously, they haven’t....he’s strayed.

That’s not even the issue here anymore, the patterns are sad, without trust there is nothing healthy going on, in the marriage OR the affair....PERIOD!

What I want to say to you Tormentedbyfalsepromises is that you said it at the end of your post:

Love is not and never enough, someone can promise u the earth tell u they love u but if u aint got respect and dignity from them, then its not worth it no matter how u feel for them.

Love IS enough. It really is. The truth is that we ALL need to have dignity and respect for ourselves first before we can expect or demand that from anyone else. I’m not saying you don’t have respect for yourself, I’m saying sometimes our self-esteem isn’t where it needs to be. We teach people how to treat us and the lies ARE NOT acceptable under any circumstance.

Isn’t it interesting that in the 3 years I’ve been involved with this MM, we never used words like mistress, or having an affair. Now that his wife has learned about us, all those words are being used. Some women here go on and on about how the sex is better at home and all this, but we’ve only ever met TWICE. We live in different countries and have seen each other twice in 3 years! He just flew to Canada to see me and his wife found out and needs to understand WHY. Ours was not some torrid sexescapade, we have an emotional affair. When I spoke to her on the phone, she wanted to know if there was anything physical and I wanted to say, it’s worse, there is something emotional. I’m not being sarcastic. Him and I have communication and trust, which is why its hard to walk away – but he needs to try and work on those 2 things now with her.

written by happily married, 23 October, 2009

To tormented...why would you even want that old idiot? You have too much to offer someone....grow old TOGETHER...IN 15 YEARS, HE WILL BE IN A WHEEL CHAIR!

glad you woke up sleeping beauty!

written by brokenwife, 23 October, 2009

Ladies ,ladies,
We all have such immense pain here.
We all have been hurt,betrayed,lied too.
Why fight amongst each other? Is it truly worth it?
I agree with the posts that say they too(ow) are suffering,they have to be,
We know why we fell in love with our husbands wives etc.
So if they have been wooed and courted by our man than of course they fell in love too.
The real issue is they lied !!!
Our men lied to get whatever it is they got.
They betrayed us.
The other woman,she is at fault too yes,
But,,,
Think about it when we met our men what if they lied to us and when we met them they were dateing someone else and we stole them away from that person?
That puts us in the same boat as the women we are angry with.I feel they deserve forgiveness.
And I also hope they have learned from their mistakes and would never take that chance again.
It’s all about reversing the entire situation.
I am deeply hurt by my husbands cheating,deeply
I resent the ow.
because she knew I was still in the picture,that he and I were still together,living together etc.
But she chose to lower herself into a tramp.
We were always together except when he was at work.
this is when she got her time with him.
every weekend was with me.
This is the type of women that makes us wives really hate you all for being the ow.
Those of you that know and decide to do as you please.
Lot’s of you are taken by surprise when you find out there is a wife,and true by then your stuck in love with the liar.
We need to stick together as women,sisters and make sure these dogs don’t have their cake and cookies.
lets come here support each others broken hearts and think of ways to make the lying man accountable for his actions.
Why should we all suffer silently,
It’s not fair to any of us.

the man who chooses to play these games with our hearts walks away free and clear.And we sit here ripping each others hearts out even more,than they have been
it’s so sad.
I will never forgive the woman who cheated with my husband.But I do have more pity for her than anything.
I know I am a better person and one day she will feel the pain she caused me.I pray for her soul actually.
What she did is beyond low.
But I will let her think everyday of her life about what she has done as she deals with the whispers of her coworkers after I exposed her actions.to me that was good enough.
no one will trust her now.
Lets be supportive here to each other,at least here we can all cry together.
good luck to you all.
heal,,,
be happy love will find it’s way to you when it’s right.
stop fighting and arguing.

written by disheartenedbylove, 24 October, 2009

I only wish I had seen this website years ago! Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling like I do... needing a forum to heal from all this pain!!!

I left my marriage after 20 years and unhappy knowing I had a 50/50 chance of living with the man that was promising me the moon and the sky and he was all I had ever dreamed of in a man!!! He has been married close to 30 yrs and says he never knew what love was till he met me.

I tried to walk away so many times I lost count!!! I knew he was guilt ridden with the financial situation he would be leaving his wife and son in because he took a risk on an investment and due to the economic failure, the result was devastating to him monetarily.

He gave me a million dates he was telling her and leaving and as you can see by the fact that I am on this site, that those dates came and left. He begged over and over and over to not let go and would text me till all hours in the morning professing his undying love for me!!

He has told people closest to him about his love for me, and his desire to leave home, and enlisted my coworker in making me hang on that he loves me and is leaving.

He has told her he is in love with me... it started months ago, and sadly he is still there. He tells me he just needs to clean up his horrible mess with his son, and make sure he won’t hate him. His son freaked out in the conversation of divorce, and the wife told the son things no kid should have to hear, so trauma was what the son experienced.

It has gotten so ugly... I left my job, and have another job starting soon full time. He continues to beg but my respect for him, and all the pain he is causing me makes me lash out. He says he is dying inside, and hurts more than ever for all the pain he has caused me, and will make it up to me for the rest of my life... yet even after he told her several times he is in love with me he still lives there. Now she has begun emailing me... wow what a wake up call that email was!!!!!!!

I have now left and am trying to move forward... It is the most painful experience I have ever felt!!!

Not until I found this site did I realize that I am a carbon copy to every one of you!!!! What a wake up call. I have been going to therapy, am taking antidepressants, xanax, and trying to get through one minute at a time without speaking to him and trying to not collapse in the silent walls of my hell.

Please help me get through this madness and see that it does get easier!!!!!!!!

I am sorry it is sooo long but i needed to vent!!!!

HELP!!!

written by need answers help please, 26 October, 2009

I started seeing a married man last year, he was having marriage problems, he said he thought his wife was cheating. (i see thats a staple comment now) so I offered him sex without strings.
We talked and "sexted" and after a couple weeks, I got him to come to my house (he lives 2 hours away) and we had sex, it was awesome!

He was going on a business trip 4 days later and I met him down there on one of his nights free. It started off good, but, I could tell, he just wasnt into me, we had sex again, and he told me it was over, he wants to work on "it" with his wife.
I figured, it was his guilt talking, and believed I could steal him away.
After that second encounter,very few emails, one liners as a matter of fact, no more calls, then hes on vacation with his wife (which I thought I would be asked to go) so, in reality, was I just used, or do you think he cared about me for a little bit?

This is the one thing in life, I just seem to not be able to get
past. I am very attractive, I have my choice of men, I dont know why I couldnt have the one I wanted, really wanted!

One morning, I called her.Told her.
That was the last contact I had with him, he called me back and said the meanest things to me.

I feel so used, so low.

written by r u kidding me, 26 October, 2009

Ld love affair,
You are hoping, just hoping, he loves you and you are wishing, wishing hes staying with his wife out of obligation!
The facts are, all marriages have problems, some are bad, some not so bad, people make mistakes, we are all human after all.....people can stray, because they think what they have isnt real, its not what they wanted, whatever reason....but, most find out, what they have is real and they realize where they belong, move on, go to counseling do whatever you need to do, but leave him be, he is where he wants to be.

He realized he made a mistake and hes done with you!
and...when its true and real, people do come back together and stay together!

written by ?? How do I move on..., 28 October, 2009

I was having an affair with a married man that I work with; and he just ended it a week ago. We were friends at first and we both knew that there was something there but we were both married so we just kept flirting and then we got closer, we started working out together and one thing lead to another. We started a sexual relationship soon after we got together, and I still was not sure that I wanted to leave my husband. A month into it he decided that he wanted to leave his wife for me and I told him he should think about it; at that time I did not know if I would be able to leave my husband that I had been with for 13 years. So he went back to her and they talked about things and they were going to try to work on their marriage. Well 6 months later, me and my husband are getting a divorce, I fell in love with this guy and what we had. So I filed for divorce and moved out. I got an apartment and everything was fine at first. Throughout our year relationship we did have issues with me trying to break things off with him just because emotionally it was too hard for me to know that he was telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me but going home to his wife. He kept pulling me back in. Well this past week we were at lunch and somebody that knew his wife saw us so he had to tell her, at first she was mad and she left, and 2 days later he sent me a text message telling me that we had both made a mistake and that he could not do that to his family. I tried to call him but he would not answer or return any of my messages, and now I have to sit in the same room with him everyday at work and it is killing me. I want to talk to him so bad, but he does not want me anymore and apparently never did considering he can let what we had go that easy and not have enough respect for me to even talk to me about it. Just send me a message and say I hope that you can cope with this. I am hurting so bad, I checked myself into the hospital thinking that might help, but nothing helps, I just want to be with him so bad, and the sad thing is I would rather be the other women forever and have him in my life than not have him at all.. Sounds pathetic and I tell myself everyday just to let him go, but I don’t know how, I am hurting so bad right now and my heart has been broken... But he has clearly picked her and has come up with serval excuses over the past year (kid, money, and anything else he can think of)... It just hurts so bad and I don’t know how to let go. He sits only a few feet from me everyday and I have to see him and hear him talking it is killing me.

written by brokenwife, 29 October, 2009

to disheartened by love,
Hi there sorry you are in such pain,Did you stop and think that maybe this man never told his wife anything?
Were you there?
These men tell so many lies and they break hearts as though it is nothing at all.
Maybe he was just another one who wanted to have his cake and cookies too.
Go out, live put him out your mind.
Try to make your self live again with out him.
It’s not worth all of the pain you say you are enduring.
Guaranteed he was lying all along,You will find someone and find your true happiness.
His wife is most likely in pain too,because we always know when our man is cheating.
Look at all the stories here all these men say the same crap.
keep your head up and good luck !!!

written by alm, 29 October, 2009

Wow, so many people thinking with their hearts not with their mind....and thats what happens.
You need to quit your job.
He is finished with you and now you feel used and abandoned, you gave up yo9ur own security for a man, who never had intentions of anything but sex from you.;

Dont mothers teach their daughters that first thing? Mine did. Did it stop me from having an affair, no, it didnt. But it has scared me.
I am married now, and I had the opportunity to cheat with a co worker, when I was on my way to do it, I thought of my family. I couldnt destroy them no matter what problems me and my husband were having..it was bad, real bad, but an affair, only could make it worse. So, I used self control, husband didnt. Found out about her after we reconciled when she was out of his life and was pissed off!
I would like to say, I thought I needed to be put under a doctors care too, but, husband and I stuck it out, we worked it out and its a much better, a more whole relationship. We realized how much we really love and need each other and found our way back.

I wish you peace-how do i move on- you have a rough road ahead of you. I cant imagine how you feel right now, you definitely got the worse end of the deal.
He is home now with his wife, working it out and you are the one suffering. I wish other ow would read these posts before the affair. It does a lot of damage. Even after many years have past...and i can speak from experience!
There is no quick fix to move on. The mind can be a cruel object that torments. Peace be with you.

written by torn up, 30 October, 2009

I have pretty much the same story to tell... it’s funny how you think you’re different to others but the truth is, in extra-marital marital affairs the other woman is always at the mercy of the married man. I’ve read your posts and although they comfort me I also feel so much for all the women in pain. I’ve been back and forth to this message board over the last couple of months, during my low periods. I’m still involved with my married man, we met 6 months ago online and started sharing emails. 2 weeks after first talking we met up. He lived in the next state to me so we met in the middle on neutral territory. When this first started I was in a long term relationship, I had been with my partner for 7 years and we going to get married at the end of this year. I met this guy, for a drink and there was such a spark. We kissed and then both went back home, admitting that we were interested in taking this further. We continued to email, getting closer all the time and met again, two weeks after. This continued for three months. Then he dropped a bombshell just as I was realizing how badly I’d fallen for him... his wife of fifteen years was eight months pregnant. I tried to call it off but he told me he loved me and then it was so hard because I loved him too. We decided then that we wanted to be together properly. He wanted to tell his wife then but I told him to wait and see the pregnancy through. I then canceled my wedding and split up with my partner and left the home to move into a flat on my own the married man helped me financially to do this, telling me he would support me all the way. A month ago hi wife had the baby and he immediately decided he wanted to stay with her because he could never leave his little boy. I accepted his decision and tried to cut contact. It hit me really hard and I cried constantly but he got back in touch with me and said he still wanted me and didnt want to live without me. He told me how he still dreams of us being together properly. So like a fool I met him and realised I couldnt live without him. We are still seeing each other and he says that one day he will leave his wife maybe when the baby is eight months old. I don’t know what to do... it hurts so much when I’m not with him but I cant help but feel like I’m going to get hurt again. I want him so badly, I feel like we are meant to be together.

written by VOR, 30 October, 2009

Dear Sisters (by that I mean ‘my fellow women’, whether you are Wives or Other Women),

I just want to share with you what I’ve observed through my own and others’ experiences.

1. Men will almost NEVER leave their wives. Why? Because men are weak, and they lie. We women truly are the stronger sex – at least emotionally. A man will always choose the path of least resistance, and always opt for safety and familiarity in the end.

2. It is almost ALWAYS the woman who does the leaving or the breaking up – again, because we women are stronger. We may have a long fuse, or a big streak of martyrdom, but once we hit our trigger point...it’s over and we make our decision and we carry it out.

3. Just about the only time a man will leave his wife/partner, is when SHE does something truly blatant, horrible, and publicly humiliating to the man, such as cheating, or killing someone he cares about. Otherwise, a man will put up with any amount of sh*t just so he doesn’t have to be the Bad Guy. (Note that this is related to single men who, instead of breaking up with their girlfriends, will simply behave in a worse and worse manner until SHE gets fed up and breaks up with him.)

4. Men lie because they are cowardly and fearful. They justify it by saying they "don’t want to hurt anyone"...like it’s for a woman’s good. If a man can have his cake and eat it too, he will. A cheating man may even come to believe that he is doing a good and noble thing: staying married to his wife and keeping the family intact, while bringing happiness to the other woman. (Make that TWO good and noble things.)

Ladies – take control of your lives, learn to make yourselves happy, and accept only love and adoration from a man who is 110% committed to you. Don’t settle for anything less.

written by disheartenedbylove, 31 October, 2009

to just a wife:
Thank you for your words. Yes I have thought about everything, as I have replayed it all in my head. I have really come to find peace this last week. I have read soooo many website postings, blogs, and articles and I am getting stronger everyday.

I have also learned so much about my own strength. I feel more in control of my life and have learned many valuable lessons to take through my life.

I will never allow a married man to enter my life ever again!! I also will never settle for less than what I deserve.

I have always considered his wife as my ex-husband and I are very amicable and I never wanted to cause him pain, or humility so that is why I left.

I actually found myself in all this!!! I believe in fate, and maybe this was my plight and path in life to find my inner self and learn to be okay with her. I have reconnected to family and friends I have lost thru this process and I am working each day to become whole!!!

TO:TORNUP
RUN RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN---8 MONTHS WILL TURN INTO 1YR THAN 1YR5MONTH THAN 2 YRS AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT...POOF 3 1/2. RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

written by gin and tonic, 31 October, 2009

I beg to differ from your opinion, voice of reason.

Here is my experience.

When I first met my husband, (we work together and I got transferred to his dept) he was engaged to a woman, they had a house together, they were financially bound to each other and were in a relationship for 7 years and had just gotten engaged.
They had a house, cars, the whole nine yards so to speak.

He wanted me so badly he gave it all up, lost thousands of dollars, gave her everything, to be with me.
Now, we are married, for 8 years, things got bad, we took each other for granted, as for the love, no passion, no excitement..going through the motions. He started drinking too much, I tried to lead him down the right path, i got fed up and
I got attracted to another man, he picked up on it, he found another woman.
All she succeeded in doing was make him realize what he was losing. She made hm realize, how lucky he was to have someone like me in his life! He ended it with her as fast as it got started and came home to fight for me!
My point is, here is a man, who gave up so much for me, because HE LOVES ME, IF HE WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS OW, I know for sure, he would have left, and didnt care what he lost! he wouldnt care about playing the nice guy.

I think you other women, use these analogies that are completely asinine, to help heal your broken heart and your loss of pride. I believe you give yourselves away too easily and no man, wants that!
Or a woman so desperate for stolen moments!!!! that says one thing..desperation and any man will do married or not.

Right now, I have the man I always dreamed of, m y husband, he is perfect in every way. he has learned greatly from this bad experience. His ow only succeeded in showing him one thing, just how bad life would be without me.
]

People who realize they made a mistake, go back and try to fix it.
Weak run away, strong stay and fight!
We had and have a very strong love base , few marriages could survive this! Ours will, we both made mistakes, I thank god, my affair was only emotional, that I had enough strength not to have sex, therein lies the weakness’s of people! And believe me, both sexes are weak when it comes to that!
However, strong, women, with a sense of pride and self esteem, who have class, dignity and morals, they are the ones, that are not used by any man and eventually, they are called "wife!"

written by bff, 03 November, 2009

#1 marriage already failed.
#2 he is a failure
#3 his wife already knows
#4 you cant fix him

Realize these things, and you wont find yourself in this horrible situation!!!

written by Tired of this already, 04 November, 2009

I live in southern maryland out side of waldorf, does anyone one of any support groups i can attend to help me end then cope from the affair. I really love him and don’t want to but am afraid that if I don’t get help, I may hurt myself when i do break this off – sooner than later I am trying.

written by TOW 4-9 Years, 05 November, 2009

I’ve been trying to leave this affair for many years now. I seem to fall back in this abyss. I am in lust with him. I love thinking about the next time he takes me and is up in me. It’s sex....that’s all this is. For 9 long years it’s all about sex. I want to mold his junk. I want t wake up beside him and fall asleep in his ecstasy.

written by LD love affair, 06 November, 2009

Tired of this already. I am going to register with this site and see if I can’t share my email with you. I am starting a Support Group where you can have various resources, one-on-discussion and no OW-bashing.

I understand the feelings of the betrayed wives, I really do, but its hard to move forward and get real support when we’re always being intercepted and made to feel so bad.

Stay tuned..........

Cheers,
Terri

written by weakend by betrayal, 07 November, 2009

To voice of reason
Where is my strength to leave , I am a woman.
My husband had a fling when we were having problems.

I cant bring myself to leave him. Now, he is the best husband ever, but I hate him for what he did. I hate him for his weakness and stupidity. Yet I am weak, too weak to leave.

Is it because my son is devastated at the thought of losing him, or will I be? Is it because, I have a very comfortable lifestyle with him? Is that why I cant leave, or am I weak, according to you, we women are strong, but I find no strength.

Or, could it be because, now, we have a meaningful relationship? Or, is it because now, we realize what we had and we can make it better?

Or, is is LOVE?

I wish cheating was cut and dry and an automatic end to a marriage, sometimes, I wish he was gone with her...but then I love him and cant imagine my life without him.....

Cheating hurts. No one wins. all involved lose something.
But the people who lose the most, is the family left to endure this heartache forever.

written by VOR, 08 November, 2009

Terri/LD love affair:
Good luck! A support group is a terrific idea. Please keep everyone in this forum posted about your progress.

weakend by betrayal:
Sorry to hear about your situation. The fact that you’re staying with your unfaithful husband, out of love and for the sake of your son, merely proves my point.

Read my earlier post again, and try to understand not only what it says, but what it DOESN’T say.

I DON’T say anywhere at all that a woman SHOULD leave her husband when he cheats.

I’m saying that the marriage continuing or not depends mostly and most of the time on the WOMAN, because we women are STRONGER.

Your husband – who you love very – much cheated on you. You found out. He did not leave the marriage. Now he is "the best husband ever" – by this I assume you mean he is sorry and swears he’ll never do it again. You’re hurt and devastated, but because you love him and for the sake of your son, you are staying in the marriage.

There is nothing in my post that contradicts anything about your situation.

Who is keeping the marriage together? YOU are – right? Because you won’t leave him, and you won’t kick him out. And he’s not leaving.

Now – I personally do not believe in martyrdom, nor do I believe that children always benefit from two unhappy parents staying together for their sake (more specifically, to quote a wise woman: "If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY [in the family] happy"), BUT those are two entirely different issues/stories for entirely different forums.

I sincerely wish you good luck with your situation. You deserve better. Your principles, beliefs, and emotions led you to your choice, and I genuinely hope it works out for you and your family.

I still stand by what I wrote: "Ladies – take control of your lives, learn to make yourselves happy, and accept only love and adoration from a man who is 110% committed to you. Don’t settle for anything less."

As for any other haters who seem to be semi-literate – or rather, who read only what their blinkered eyes want to see – your state of denial is...your problem.

written by ChestPain..., 10 November, 2009

Single, with two teenage daughters, and I have worked in the medical field for 10 years, Of course I have many friends and co-workers that I have know for many years, and re-connected with someone I hadn’t seen in many years..Of course he is married..We began talking on facebook, and on the phone.. We would talk for hours, and then one night he stopped by to see me, and the relationship became physical..Knowing he was married with children, I knew he would never leave his wife, but no matter how hard I tried, I found myself falling for him..We would talk every night he was working, or I would go meet him in the alley behind his building, so we could be together..He had me to his home when his wife was at work, of would come to my house on his days off..Then circumstances changed and I ended up working with him, and him as my supervisor. His wife became suspicious once because of the numerous phone calls, and called me on my cell phone.He told her we were just friends.. we had to cut down on the calls, Then after a couple of months working together, we just stop having sex, he tells me he feels guilty, and he got scared.. We are still friends, but it eats at me on a daily basis..I miss him so much in that way..I have told him this, but I always get the same song and dance about how his family means so much to him..This affair lasted 7 months before we stopped having sex, and at work we must act like just friends and co-workers..I have cried so many times over him, and I ache in my heart when I hear him on the phone with his wife tell her he loves her..Did he ever think how hard this would be for me ? Obviously he only cared about himself, he was willing to take chances with me, and now he has broken my heart..Pretending that we are okay and that I am trying to move on now.. This is so hard emotionally, and I sometimes wonder how he could be so heartless..

written by snowqueen, 11 November, 2009

To voice of reason,

You say things so easily about leaving.....but, have you ever loved anyone more than yourself? Its plain to see you are the OW here, who are commonly selfish and self centered and focus only on what they want and satisfying themselves.

As a wife and mother, you make sacrifices, sometimes, your own happiness comes second or even third and you learn to move ahead for someone elses sake, for someone else you love more than yourself, your children and sometimes, that man you married, who is a fool.

Its easy to say to a wife whose husband cheated , "leave him, its not love, its not this or that" but you dont know. You are a woman who was used and you believe because he was with you and told you what you wanted to hear and left you alone, that he is incapable of "love" or because he cheated on a wife, he doesnt love her....
You dont know what goes on in anyone’s marriage, but, you females put yourselves out there emotionally and get hurt used and confused

I love my children MORE THAN MYSELF AND I will do what it takes to keep my family together.....My husband learned from his mistake or his poor choice, I learned a lot in the process too. But, Id rather keep him than let a woman like her have him.....she deserves to be used again and again!

Right now, I am reaping all the rewards! She has nothing!!!

written by survivor, 13 November, 2009

To Tired of this already...........I went to al-anon meetings and it really help me to focus on myself and how to do things differently. Most people want to blame the other person and it helps you focus on your "own behavior".

written by VOR, 13 November, 2009

Dear Site Administrator: for the umpteenth time, can you please monitor this forum for abuse, personal attacks, and irrelevance?

This is a forum for people looking to GET OUT of an OW/OM situation, and it keeps getting hijacked by embittered haters who
(a) seem so incensed by their own pain that they can no longer read and comprehend what IS written here
(b) are unaware of the "Ctrl+F" function and how to use it to actually find and track specific posters, and read past posts in order to become aware of FACTS before spewing their pathetic, venomous garbage
(c) clearly belong in other forums

Every single hater who posts here – women and men – just keeps proving every point I have ever made. Thanks! :-)

To the NON-haters who are here for constructive and healing purposes: you need to hit not only the "vote down" buttons but also the "report abuse" buttons as appropriate, in order to clean up this forum. Your votes will give the Site Administrator basis for managing this forum and keeping out irrelevant, bitter, vengeful, semi-literate haters.

written by hurting74, 14 November, 2009

To give those who are tempted or involved with another man, here is the husbands perspective:

My wife of ten years began having an affair via the internet. At first it was just talking, then flirting until the exchange of mobile numbers and eventually random meetings. I was suspicious of my wife as she began hiding her phone, using the laptop much more often than usual and sex began to change with her.

I decided to confront her 4 weeks into the affair which she claimed was nonsense and stupidly I believed her. My love for her was so strong that I was doing anything I could to kid myself into believing she could not do such a thing and that it was my imagination.

Alas four weeks later I came across her phone and read a text message claiming my wifes love for another man. This broke my heart but still I tried to kid myself into believing there was a viable explanation for things. I confronted my wife about it and eventually she broke down and admitted seeing this ‘man’ on one occasion and nothing happened, just flirting and talking.

I eventually forgave her and tried to give our marriage another go, throwing everything I had into our relationship to try and make things better. It seemed to work, at least for a while but the trust was hard to rebuild. 3 months later and I came across an email my wife had sent to this other man attempting to rekindle the relationship. I was truly devasted. My soul was destroyed and I believe I will by mentally scarred for the rest of my life because of this.

No words can describe the hurt that deception from the one you love most in the whole world can cause. My entire world had been ripped apart, not once but twice. I now wake up crying, I got to sleep crying and I am at the point now where I feel I cannot hold my emotions inside anymore.

I am in the process of getting divorced now which is killing me because I still have so much love for my wife but I cannot accept the deciept any longer. My 2 children are very upset and confused by it all and as tempted as I am, I will not appoint blame on my wife as this will only hurt them more. When I hear my children crying on the phone because I am not there, there is nothing more heartbreaking in the world. I have never felt so much pain and torment in my life because of the loss of my marriage and the upset this has caused my children.

The affair will no doubt continue for a while (he has a partner for 15years) but I doubt it will come to anything and my wife will realize her mistake but by then it will be too late. The damage has been done.

So my message to those who are having an affair or tempted by one – DON’T DO IT. Be honest with your husband/wife, try and mend what is broken first. It is much worse to be deceiptful and much, MUCH more damaging for everyone concerned should you continue your quest for self esteem and false attention. All you will end up with is self loathing and lack of self respect.

written by a wife, 15 November, 2009

The bottom line is that having an affair is wrong. It is deceitful and does damage to a family. If someone is so unhappy do the right thing and put it in the open and end the relationship. The 10 commandments other are moral codes to live by. Do the right thing. I’m not overly religious but wrong is wrong. Be a man an end the marriage. As a woman you should know better than that. I feel men think with their lower body parts and woman use their brains. Women, use your brains and think it through. It’s wrong and deceitful.

written by Lynette, 16 November, 2009

There seems to be a common theme going on here in these posts. The ‘Other Woman’ feels really hurt the way the married man treats them, but most of the married men seem to only want to protect their own interests by mostly cutting off all contact with you when the cra* hits the fan.

In other words, when the chips are down, they look after number one.

I have been on both sides of the blanket as it were and I’m not proud of it either.

Looking back on things I can see how emotionally immature my husband and I have been over the years. How instead of sitting down and talking with one another, we both did something foolish by getting intimately involved with another instead of facing up to our unmet needs in the relationship.

We both recognize now we were searching for the buzz, the adrenaline rush. It wasn’t real love we felt for the other person.

We both now realize and appreciate what we have with each other and have fallen in love all over again.

Affairs for the most part are selfish acts. People get caught up in the moment thinking only of emotional feelings and the ‘high’ they get from being with the other person.

We have been for couples’ counseling which is going great for us. We were young getting together, we were 19. We have been married for 25 years and together as a couple for 30 years total.

It’s taken a long time but I feel we have both grown up and now are appreciating one another as we should have done from the beginning.

The good thing to come out of his affair though [it is his one and only] is that he now views me through new eyes. He realized it was just a buzz and they had virtually nothing in common in the end, that’s why it fizzled out. I allowed him to go to her to let it run its course. Sink or swim.

By living with her permentantly for a month, he found out they were totally incompatabile and that what he had with me was SO much better. Even in the bedroom.

With my experience I would say think long and hard before you embark on an affair. Affairs hurt people and the person you may end up hurting the most in the process, is yourself.

written by lostinthought, 16 November, 2009

I would really like to know what is missing in the lives of us women who choose to get involved with a married man. How can we let ourselves believe anything other than the reality that they are never going to leave their wives. These men are cowards who can’t and don’t live the lives they want to live. Why and how do we get sucked in? I wish there was a site to warm women about these men.
I was involved with a man who was married and everyone (I do mean everyone) knew they was unhappy, married to an overbearing wife who had a tight reign on him. He wasn’t in love with her, he didn’t have sex with her, and he was very unhappy for years.
In her defense, he had an affair prior to their getting married and told her after they were married. Of course, she began to doubt everything he said and kept a close eye on him from that day forward.
He had two other affairs before me and since I was a friend before I was his lover, I knew about them. I know. Stupid.
I was going to be the exception as he didn’t care about the other two women. He did leave his wife and son but he was too guilt-ridden to be happy with me.
We broke up last week after six months since his separation. We (his wife and I) were pulling him apart for commitment. She is not willing to let him go as he is her meal ticket and he has too many bad memories of growing up with divorced parents to do it to his child.
I am so angry and disgusted by him right now that I can’t see straight.
I’m hoping time will take care of my anger and help me to get over him. He is not worthy of me and I will never get involved with another married man again!
Good luck to all those women who got sucked into the pathetic lives of these men!!!

written by lostinthought, 16 November, 2009

Oh, one more thing. To the "snowqueen" (ironic name, since her husband had an affair on her probably because she is cold or frigid), you may have him, but we (the other woman) got the best of him. The only reason he’s still with you is because of the kids, NOT YOU!! He doesn’t give a flying f***k about you. It was never about you. If he’s doing penance, it’s only for you, he’ll have another affair, guaranteed!!!
So, while the other woman no longer has him, she is free of him while you are still tied to a man who doesn’t love you.
Try to enjoy while you know you will never be his first choice, only his must choice when he has to go home.

written by Boomerang, 17 November, 2009

I’ve been having an affair with a married man for over 3 years.
It started as I’m sure many of them do..
We were good friends, nothing more, I never thought of cheating with him.
He tells me his wife is leaving him, makes drunken jokes about how we should hook up after that.
Hook up once, think it’s a one time thing and things can go back to normal now.
It keeps happening – I get attached – I fall hard for him.
Wife decides she doesn’t want a divorce but thinks a baby will save the marriage, convinces him to get her pregnant and succeeds. When he finds out about the baby, he seems surprised and not exactly happy.
Wife miscarries a few months into pregnancy.
Sadly, this makes me happy.. not only bringing a baby into a marriage on the rocks, but for my own selfish reasons. If he had kids, it’d be a lot harder to see him.
This was years ago. Have seen him many many many times since then. Too many to count.
He is afraid of his wife finding out even though he is and has been completely miserable with her for years. For some reason he can’t leave her. I later suspect it’s for financial reasons.
Wife never finds out about me, but she does get sick of other problems in their marriage and starts making trips out of town to see her new boyfriend.
He expresses his frustration and what a d-bag that other guy is, and proceeds to attempt to read her emails, check her voicemails, her cellphone, anything he can. He claims to find x rated pictures she sent to the boyfriend.
The whole time he is telling me this, I am thinking, You have been cheating on her for 3 years! Why are you suddenly the victim? You deserve this, and then some.
She keeps the house for now, he moves out to couch-hop. Somewhere along the line he’s now acquired a new "girlfriend" (funny how loosely that term is thrown around, this poor girl’s man is still wearing his wedding ring, and seeing me when she’s at work, and he’s probably living off her)
So the last two times I’ve seen him (in a span of two months) we have slept together. It didn’t hit me until the other day that I assumed my role for the past 3 years of being the mistress to his wife was the usual shit I and many other females have heard.. My wife sucks in bed.. (or doesn’t!) She hates sex.. I never get sex from her... I’ve heard it all ladies. It didn’t really matter what he told me, because I was already extremely in love with him. It didn’t help me like his wife anymore since she had a vendetta against me before I was even friends with him. I heard all the "my wife is terrible" excuses. Even as bad as saying that he never loved her. Maybe somewhere along the line, a part of me thought I could get him to love me?
So the biggest question that I have been beating myself up for DAYS is, why is he still wasting his time with me? His wife’s gone. He’s not single. He’s got a new girlfriend whom I know he’s having sex with and I think living off/with. It’d seem to me that it’s not worth the troubles anymore of dealing with me, having that guilt with the new girl already so early on, just seems so weird to me. How great can this girl be if weeks into it he’s already coming to see me?
I read some people on here be real nasty to us "other women" because they were cheated on before. Well guess what, I was cheated on before, many times. I know how it feels. Now I know how it feels to be on the other side. I’ve also been the person who’s cheated and that’s just a low down terrible guilt of a feeling every time you see or sleep with your sig. other. Personally, I’ve only cheated in relationships when I was totally over that person I was dating, or would rather be with the person I was cheating with, but circumstances wouldn’t permit at the time. So I guess that’s my long crazy story. I know some people will read this and think low of me, that’s fine. I don’t wish this situation on anyone, from any of the 3 perspectives.
Sometimes when I feel really down (a lot recently) I just think, hell, I am emotionally connected, my heart hurts badly, but I am surely glad I am not the wife, or the girlfriend, or even HIM. If I found out a guy I recently started dating had already slept with the same person multiple times, I’d be thru the roof.
I think he’s a scumbag who will never change, but I love him too. I am trying to learn different ways to cope, write in a journal, read other people’s stories, and live each day by day. If we were really meant to be, it will happen. It’s just hard.

What’s also weird is that the sex recently has been very passionate, so much more kissing, felt meaningful, much more romantic than it had been before.

written by brokenwife, 18 November, 2009

to lostinthought,
Girlfriend you said it yourself!!! these men are losers and cowards.
They use other women to get their selfish needs met then they are done.
When the going gets tuff at home instead of being a real man and fixing it he will run and tell all sorts of lies to another woman to get her to fall for him.The best thing to do when meeting a married man giving you his blues,tell him
"well i guess you have some things to work out "
Until then i’m not touching you with a ten ft pole.

That is the best answer by far,to save everyone the heartbreak that will come from cheating.
You will find the right man,and be happy.
Good luck!!
But don’t be bitter and angry with the wife,because you chose to walk down that path,deep inside i’m betting you knew what the end result would be.
MEN LIE !!!!
don’t be angry with anyone but him for his deception to you and to his wife,he is the one who is weak and at fault.
Hope your heart mends quickly.

written by hightechdiva, 18 November, 2009

To voice of reason

I would like to say Im sorry for your pain.
I am married for 8 years and last year, my husband and I both had affairs. Mine was emotional his was sexual.

We could have both gone our separate ways.

What the affair made us realize is, we have something more with each other than we had with these others and we decided to work on our marriage and it is now absolutely beautiful.

In the process....his ow was hurt badly. She had plans with him like you had plans with him.

Let me assure you, if he is feeling "guilt" its because he loves her. Not for any other reason. You see, we too , have a son, and he was just fine, because we both acted like adults and always put him first.

In my case, as my relationship with the other man, was free from secret, it became less satisfying...and my husband says the same thing...there was always something missing...it just didnt feel right.

One night, we happened to be out at the same place and we made eye contact and he asked me for one last dance.

I did, and that night, it was over for both ow/om.
My life has never been so satisfying. I have never loved so strongly and completely. This feeling of contentment is so unachievable by most couples who did not go through something so awful.
We actually are the envy of all our friends, our friends who thought for sure this "golden couple" (our nickname) would end. Now, we are more golden.

It sounds like you have been put through hell by a man who is very confused. A man who is probably telling you things about his wife, that arent even true or close to the truth. He is doing you a favor. You deserve so much better.

I hope you find peace within, then you will find your prince and settle for nothing less.

written by snowqueen, 18 November, 2009

To the moderator,
Voice of reason and all the ow’s who get involved with married men should understand, they will deal with the wife. I believe they need to know the direct effect their actions have and the thoughts of the wives.

They chose to make themselves part of OUR WORLD,therefore, they should have to listen to what we have to say now, when hes gone, I see a lot of valuable information in this forum, especially from the wives.

The ow should know, that their beloved mm isnt all he claimed to be...that when hes begging us for forgiveness, he is running the ow into the ground, calling her a slut, cheap, whore..etc.....lies, I know, like the lies they tell them about us...we are cold, unloving, not having sex.....

I think if you block wives because "voice of reason" cant face facts, you are making a huge mistake!

They need to understand the hurt they inflict when they engage in these acts with husbands....yes i know, its his fault, but its hers too..she is letting him play with her.

written by realitycheck, 18 November, 2009

Are you kidding when you say you "got the best of him?"
Wow, you really do have low standards.
He is a cheater, hellooooo!
You really are LOST in thought!

How about this side..He comes home to his wife....he sits there so sad, his eyes are rimmed with tears, the guilt it killing him inside, his wife goes to sit next to him, he holds her like he will never let her go....he kisses his wife so gently, like it will be his last.....all the while, he has this deep dark secret...yes, you. He cant seem to leave his wife,, or you, so, he is tortured. Then, wife finds out, he sees what he did to his wife, you are not a thought any longer, he hurts..he figures out , who he loves..... he ends it with, you, who cant he bare to hurt anymore, the wife. Hes home, with his wife, they struggle, but their love is deep and has endured much over the years, you, were a passing fling, something new, something different.....now, your alone.

Theres your reality check for the day!

written by a woman, 19 November, 2009

You other women are like the bird that tries to fly into a nest and take over.....

Why are you so mean to the wives here? They have every reason to be angry with you. You never touch another persons property, its not your place. You knew full well what you were doing, and you know its wrong.
No matter what problems are going on in the marriage, its not your place....You are not welcome there.
Put yourself in our position.....You own your pain, dont try and say we cant satisfy our husbands, we have what you have and we use it like you can too.

Did your ever wonder why we are "snow queens? "
Did you ever consider that, we had the best of him and now, hes not what he was....when WE married him...and we are done too....did it ever cross your minds that this man you can wait to screw....turns his wife off in many many ways???? Or do you really believe we think hes that great too????
I can tell you from my experience, my husband turned into an idiot and I was hoping he would move on.....he did, he found a lonely desperate woman, who wanted him bad, but, he didnt want her, he wanted me back, now shes harassing me...its my fault he came home...shes an idiot and she doesnt even know how she was played by him!

Believe me, you are not getting the best of him, no where near it..you got the worst of him. We got the best..you have the leftover loser.

written by brokenwife, 20 November, 2009

to lost in thought,
You seem so bitter and so angry,Why? because you allowed yourself to be mislead by a lying cheating man?
Just let it go and move on with your life,You will find the right man for you,Another womans husband is not the answer,if he’s cheating to see you he will cheat on you also.Look at all the broken hearted women and men here.
But the nastiness in your post is not needed,Why call someone frigid and you don’t know them,
Marriage is solely based on sex,there has to be so much more between a couple.
Enjoy your life now,search for that wonderful single man who can give you the love that you seek.
BEST WISHES TO YOU !!!

written by get smart, 20 November, 2009

It is my experience that men will tell woman what they want to "hear" and it’s not the man’s fault if she "chooses" to get involve with him. Take responsibility for you own actions. A good book to read is "Get Smart,Foolish chooses".

written by me?anOW???, 20 November, 2009

what is amazing is that a site like this could be used to help and instead just scares those away who would be able to benefit from it..

written by the chosen one, 21 November, 2009

The most important thing you others should realize is, sex is the only thing you and a mm have in common. When that excitement wears off, your relationship with the mm ends. In order to keep that man, you need to have a lot more in common then that!!! Lets face it, we have what you have...and we know how to use it too. You cant do anythings more to him than we can. Except in some cases, you let him do his perverted things that he thinks he cant do with his wife.

It takes more than sex to happen for a relationship to develop.
Another mistake is, you try to become the "qualities" he thinks his wife is "lacking" you try to become those things he "craves" but, he then realizes there is no "real connection" with you, you can’t break that bond he has with his wife and he leaves.

Its unfortunate you gives yourselves too much credit in his life.Its unfortunate, you believe you’re more to him than you are. If a man has respect for you, at all, he will not involve you in an affair.

Its really unfair for any of you to think the wife is cold as ice and not experimental in the relationship.
If the sex life isnt what he says it is, believe me, hes to blame too. If she doesnt want it from him, theres a reason!
Its not always the wife!!!!!!!

written by Lisa B, 24 November, 2009

I have read a lot of these comments and they made me feel better that I am not alone. It is the ABSOLUTE truth when someone said they felt "so alone because their affair was a secret so they had nobody to confide in when it ended" I went through the same torture. The guy i was involved with had a girlfriend, kept me on the side for three years, then proceeded to dump BOTH of us when he found someone else. A year later he was sending me suggestive texts again. Then his girlfriend caught him and he blamed ME. (???) I finally realized that he will never change. He will cheat on her just like the last one, and he will cheat on me if i ever date him. It has taken every ounce of my willpower to never speak to him again. He nearly destroyed me emotionally. I refused to believe that he was "that type of guy" because we started out as friends. It just shows how i never knew him at all. Prayers for all who are going thru this. I still cry when i think of him.

written by guest44, 24 November, 2009

The problem is...lack of respect. These men have a lack of respect for women and they get away with it, because we women have no respect for each other, any women who cheats with a married man, has no respect for themselves or for her....and thats sad.

If you take a step back and put yourself in the wifes shoes, no doubt, you would not enter into an affair with him.

written by guest45, 24 November, 2009

The Problem is also.....This site is support for women coping with trying to get out of affairs. The so called support here has been more of a bashing towards women trying to get out of their affairs.

written by weallneedsupport, 26 November, 2009

I come back to this site every now and then. Same themes repeat – bitter wives, lonely affair partners – all emotions are valid we are all only human. Never thought I would but I have been caught up in an intense emotional affair for the past 5-6 years with a MM. Had two breaks but we keep going back. Just reconnected this week after a 2 month break. (He needs my support lost his Mum and Dad and now his sister is terminally ill).
I found this advice really useful for those who are trying to recover. It explains the ‘No contact rule’ and how it helps you to heal.
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=131094
best of luck – we all need compassion.

written by lostandconfusedtx, 27 November, 2009

He’s my friend, he’s my lover and he’s my boss. This all started about 13 years ago when I was 24 and he was 43. We were both single at the time. One stupid mistake and we both went on our separate ways. At the time he wanted a relationship and I didn’t. I wanted to date other people.

So fast forward and he has been there with me through the death of a lover (cancer). Life took us down different paths I began to date someone and married him and he started to date a woman closer to his age.

I divorced the man I was with when I realized I wanted to be with him. He said he couldn’t be with me while I was married. I agreed and got a divorce. I assumed he would leave his longtime girlfriend, he didn’t.

For the past 4 years I have been in this "relationship". I feel bad for her and yet I resent her. I know I sound like a bi*ch for that. I feel like I was there first. I know I sound dumb saying that.

He left her at one point to be with me. She showed up at different events we were at, I guess you could call it stalking. She started calling him saying she would commit suicide. His best friend committed suicide, I thought that was a low move on her part. She made snow angels in the driveway while it was 80 degree weather.

She truly lost it.

He went back to her. He has used my age, 19 year age difference and my race, I’m native american/spanish, and he comes from a family who doesn’t believe in mixing races to not be with me.

Meanwhile, I’m thinking this is the man for me, but if he could bring her to all of that, is he really a "prize"? If he could use my age and race against me is that really the man I want?

I am trying for the 5-6 hundredth time to end it. It’s not a healthy relationship. I get it.

It’s so unreal and so freaking cliche but I honestly and truly never thought I would be that woman.

He perused me for 2 years and people in our office actually thought we were having an affair before anything was happening.

written by VOR, 28 November, 2009

Dear Site Moderator,
You’re not doing a very good job of keeping out abusive posters like "snowqueen – gosh, doesn’t that tag just tell you everything you need to know... ;-)

hightechdiva,
You have me confused with someone else. I kicked the MM who was pursuing me to the kerb when I found out he lied about being available.

To me, "separated" is still practically the same as "married". It certainly means "unavailable". The only truly available people are single, divorced (with papers to prove it), and widowed (with papers to prove it too!).

But I’m sure some of your sentiments may be appreciated by other readers.

P.S. Ctrl + F, then type in the word, phrase, or tag you seek. In a forum this size, everything takes quite a bit of time, even when voting up/down/reporting abuse. But it’s worth the effort, folks, if you want to clean up this forum and focus on the TOPIC.

Stop the abuse and bashing. Be CONSTRUCTIVE. Otherwise, just ignore the haters, and pity them. Leave them to their "prizes".

written by Lynniebabe666, 29 November, 2009

Hi I found this site several months ago when I was getting over the pain of being "the ow" after a 2 month separation with my mm i went back with him but know its only for a while longer. I went through much pain and heartbreak but knew and know that our affair is never going anywhere but we have become friends not at first but as the thing we have together has continued. I have never wanted my guy to ever consider leaving his wife on a permanent basis he has a young son who he simply adores. I am bit older than my mm man and perhaps have become like him we both thought at first we could handle the situation we had without too much emotional involvement but as time has passed we have become closer and closer. He comes from another part of the world and will be returning to his country next Xmas after that I will probably never see him again. I have my decision to make many times and have decided to continue seeing him till he finally has to leave this side of the world. I do not think of myself as bad or in anyway at fault in this situation and do not think of myself as anything special nto him., because I have maturity on my side it is me that has encouraged him to return to his homeland to be with his wife and son. I endured many years in a very unhappy marriage and eventually left and I can assure all you wives there is no way im desperate or lonely like you think us ow are perhaps some of you should be thankful not bitter towards us girls who somehow get ourselves involved with the mm.not gloat at our downfall because it is not always like what you think it is!!! I know next year when my mm leaves I will be devastated but because I care enough for him all I wish for him is happiness in his future. I believe that everything that happens to us is for a reason for this I look beyond the pain I know I will endure I have already started to write a book to cope with what I know will be the end of the situation. So to everyone on this site ow, om, wives, husbands and all us in these situations dont be bitter! Its just what life has chose for us all!!!

written by wishfulthinking, 29 November, 2009

oh my god, it is so strange to see how many people are in the same situation as me! ashamed to say i am probably the youngest on here. i have been seeing a man for 6 months and he is in a year long relationship. the affair started when i was 17. he is 26 and my boss, and well the relationship was totally unexpected. he started working in the shop i work in and within a month we had swapped numbers and began texting. i went away a week after we started talking, and our relationship grew whilst i was away. the day i came back we started talking on the phone and the first day i saw him we kissed. since then it has just been a whirlwind of emotions. it started off as him saying i was too young and he didnt know what to do, and then two months later by the time i had turned 18 none of that even mattered.
our relationship became extremely intense within the first month, as we were seeing each other every day in work and as much as we could out of work. i have also had every excuse, ‘i’m going to leave her after her birthday/christmas’ ‘im scared she’ll hurt herself if i leave her’ ‘i feel sorry for her she loves me too much’ ‘i dont sleep with her/cuddle up with her/talk to her like i do with you’... if im honest, i think we have all heard it all before??
he told me he loved me after one month, and well at first i didnt think it was love, but now, im head over heels. sometimes it gets so intense, and other times its like i dont even exist to him! we nearly broke it off a few weeks ago, but after one day apart we were missing each other, and the next day we met, kissed and made up and he said he never wants that to happen again.
sometimes i see him 5 nights a week, and sometimes only once as he ‘cant’ see me. they dont live together, but share a car which is the excuse he uses when he see’s her. i cant bear nights when im not ‘allowed’ to text/call him because shes there. he has told me if i go with anyone else we are over.
everyone at work now knows about our relationship, they had suspicions at the start but in the last few months we just stopped hiding it. however working with him is good and bad. we get on so well and i couldnt bear to not have him in my life, but at the same time, as long as we are working together this will never end! at first it was all exciting and new, but now i hate being the one who has to wait on his every call, and hate being second best (even though he says im not).
i think after a few months, when you get used to each other, the cracks start, for example he never used to talk to his gf when we were together, now when she calls i have to sit and be quiet while he lovingly speaks to her and lies through his teeth (whilst stroking my hair/kissing me etc!!)
i know he cares for me, and i know he loves me, i just think i love him too much and this relationship is unhealthy. but as i said before, working together makes it too hard to end. i just dont know how much longer i can wait around, but at the same time i know when it came down to it, i wouldnt leave! i love him so much, but loving him is so hard as it makes me hate myself. for us to move on, we would have to cut all contact as being just friends would not work.
our relationship is brilliant, we get on so well, have a laugh and just understand each other. its fun, playful, romantic, sexy, everything you want in a relationship. so why cant he just leave her!
being the other woman is the worst situation to be in, as you are afraid to break it off because when it comes down to it, he’s not going to be as hurt as he still has a partner, where as you are left on your own. dont know how much longer i can do this, but i do know being without him would probably hurt more than being with him. either way, being the other woman you can never win
at 18 this is ridiculous, but im in love with him, completely. he talks about us like were together, calls me his gf. its like im his but hes not mine. its so hard!

written by Everything’s not lost, 30 November, 2009

I’m done being the other woman. I woke up and realized I’m worth more than being the center of someone’s universe for one hour a week at best. Who wants to start a relationship this way anyways? Based on deceit, and the pain of hurting another woman, who, from what I can tell, was an innocent victim. Will I tell on him? No. Who does that benefit? Not me, I’m sure shattering his wife’s world and ruining his marriage would make any man run at lightning speed in the other direction. Would it help him? No, it would make his relationship with his wife more stressful and strained, if he wanted to redeem himself to her this action would be counterproductive. Would it benefit her? It’s a decision I wrestled with, it came down to knowledge is power debate. The knowledge of your spouse being unfaithful to you is a delicate issue, it’s a piece of information you would think you’d want to know but I came to the resolution that this woman lives in this relationship every single day, has cleaned, has cooked, done laundry, has nurtured in sickness and shared in the joy and if she was miserable in the relationship, regardless of knowing about the affair or not, that she is a strong and capable woman and would end the marriage. It’s an awful thing to be the other woman; it’s an even worse thing to become a home wrecker. It’s also a sort of coping mechanism; I know that every day for the rest of their lives together she will most likely never know he had an 8-month affair behind her back. Imagine if she did know, and they still stayed together and chances are they would. I’d definitely feel like a bigger heap of trash as they work out their deeper issues to rebuild their relationship potentially stronger than before, being the most honest to each other they’ve been in years… the line from favorite mistake comes into my head “But maybe nothing lasts forever, even when you stay together, I don’t need ever after, but it’s your laughter that won’t let me go, so I’m holding on this way…” I knew all along that if he would do this to his wife of eight years, that he was just as capable to do the same thing to me in a real relationship. I feel the regret for what I’ve done will dissipate over time. I’m young, musical, confident, and beautiful and my life is filled with opportunity. It does not excuse that I have made a very bad decision to engage in sex with a married man; however I have also made a good decision to stop it. No, it does not make up for what I’ve done, I can’t go back and change it now it’s too late, but I can choose to stop. Stop letting a man run away from his marriage problems using me as scapegoat. Stop hurting his wife, even though she doesn’t know. It cannot have a positive effect on her. Stop thinking I’m not worthy of a real and available man’s affection. To any woman teetering on the edge of starting or ending the affair, but feel the curiosity or emotional despair is too great. You can overcome this, and you most certainly can do better. Take a lesson in what went wrong in their marriage so you can avoid this happening in your future serious relationships. Cut your losses, hold your head up high, strap on some high heels, strut your stuff on a walk to clear your head. Take care of you, rely on yourself for your happiness, and don’t forget you need to love yourself before you can give your heart away.

written by LD love affair, 30 November, 2009

I agree that it is unfortunate we can’t have a place to just discuss things on our own without the intermittent bashing from the wives. Every betrayed spouse has their own take on WHY this happens, how he REALLY feels about us, and WHAT should happen from here on in.

I do believe the majority DO understand how you feel, but in dealing with our own issues, we can come to that place – it’s a process.

But I do have to say that it is definitely NOT all about sex. I have spoken to my mm for over 3 years now and we have been in each other’s presence only twice for a few days at a time. It was a mental affair, emotional. And not EVERY "other woman" went into an affair with the hopes and dreams of stealing the man away, by impressing him enough to leave her – that’s just so unrealistic – a man will NEVER leave his family and even if his kids are grown (like in my case) there are the grandkids....so let us work through our stuff and stop interjecting with all your theories....we are all different people, some young, some old, in a lot of cases, BOTH the people are married, not just your man....you can’t help us decide, only we can – and if you really must vent, don’t expect us to continue responding to you. It’s NOT helpful!

Thank you!

written by empty, 01 December, 2009

I need help. It has helped me to read your stories – thank you for sharing them.

I feel so empty and lonely, guilty and pathetic but mostly just full of longing for my MM. I am married with children and grandchildren and thought of myself as happily married although there has been no sex in our relationship for several years.

I met my MM about 2 years ago and there was an instant attraction. We started an affair about 4 months ago and since then my life has changed dramatically. I can’t sleep or eat properly and I have lost 2 stone in weight. I just live for the times we spend together. He told me he did not have sex with his wife and had not for some years but she was in very poor health and he was unhappy and lonely. I do think this is the truth but he also said he couldn’t ever leave her.

I was so in love with him that I really didn’t consider the longer term – only wanting to be with him. He asked that we both be open and honest with each other and I was. As the weeks went on I told him how much I loved him but of course this was only to frighten him off.... Our meetings have become less and my pain is bigger and bigger.

When we are together we talk and talk and we feel so close – I just cannot imagine life without him. We have a strong connection which he agrees is there. I know he dosn’t see a future for us and I know I am my worst enemy for continuing to meet him.

I hate the lies and the deceit and have seriously considered ending my life although I have a loving family and a husband who thinks the world of me.

So why can’t I break away... when I am not with him I feel so empty and lonely and have such a sinking feeling in my stomach. At night, the pain is so bad.

I am a semi retired professional woman who has always been the sensible one, helping my friends with their emotional problems but now I feel I am living outside myself and don’t know how to get out of this.

written by empty, 01 December, 2009

I need help. Thank you all for sharing your stories....

I feel so empty and lonely most of the time and filled with longing for the next time I can meet my MM. We met about 2 years ago and there was a strong attraction but we became friends and would talk and talk – with other people around mostly. But then about 4 months ago we started an affair and my whole life has changed.

I am a married semi retired professional woman with a husband, children and grandchildren and have always been the sensible one who helped friends with their emotional problems but now I have just gone to pieces but at the same time I have to act normally at home. The pretense and lies is just horrible but I would do anything to keep seeing my MM.

We cannot meet that often but when we do we still talk a lot and cannot keep our hands off each other. He told me that he is unhappy at home and feels lonely but cannot leave his wife as she is unwell and needs him. He asked me to be open and honest with him and he would be with me and I have been. I told him how much I love him and want to be with him and this is frightening him off. (surprise surprise!!).

I know I am being stupid but cannot seem to get a grip and stop seeing him. When I am not with him I feel so unhappy and lonely and the physical pain is so great. Sometimes I have such a pain in my stomach its like being stabbed with a knife.

I have seriously thought of ending my life as I can see no way out. I cannot imagine life without my MM but I cannot live with the guilt knowing how I am deceiving my husband, although he has not been interested in me sexually for several years.

My MM and me get on so well – we have a connection which is not just physical. He only has to look at me and when our eyes meet the rest of the world may as well not be there.

But... its destroying my life

written by Not Delusional, 03 December, 2009

It sounds to me like most of you really thought the guy was going to leave his wife and kids for you. That doesn’t seem very realistic to me.
I allowed myself to get involved with a MM. Never in a million years did I think I would ever do that...EVER. I don’t want him to leave his wife, and I don’t want to leave my husband. I don’t feel good about what I have done and it goes against absolutely everything I stand for and believe in. But I understand how it happens.
I allowed myself to enjoy the attention. I tried to put up road blocks so that nothing would happen, and eventually every single one of them came tumbling down.
I’m not a heartless person and I feel terrible for his wife and for my husband. Trust me, I’ve called myself an idiot over and over and over again and I’ve cried my eyes out over this because I feel like a pile of sh*t.
The guy gave his wife divorce papers (This is months before anything happened with us)and a week later she told him she was pregnant. She wanted to try to work things out and he didn’t want to be the heartless bastard who leaves his pregnant wife. Yesterday she gave birth to their child, and the day before that he was still asking me to sleep with him. What kind of a guy does that?
I’m the one breaking things off, because I have a heart even if he doesn’t. I’m the one telling him to focus on his wife and family. The more I tell him to forget about me, the more attention he gives me. It makes it extremely difficult to be around him at work when he looks at me like he’d like to f**k my brains out and tells me exactly how he would like to do so.
I’m doing my best to keep us both out of trouble since he’s clearly not capable of thinking about his family. He only cares about himself. He wants to get laid, and I’ve allowed him to do that. Now that I’ve taken that away, he wants it even more. Do I still want him? Absolutely! He’s fantastic in bed! But it’s not worth it. He can’t give me anything else except sex. Why would I want a guy who is this callous to his pregnant wife?
Why did I allow this to happen in the first place? Honestly, I need to feel wanted. My husband treats me like I’m his roommate. He works a lot. Once you see someone naked everyday for 11 years, it’s not all that exciting.
I really enjoyed the attention I was getting from the guy I work with, but I knew it was wrong. I allowed it to happen, and I take full responsibility for my actions. He didn’t make me any promises, and I didn’t have any expectations for this to go anywhere. Was it fun? Hell yes! Was it stupid and careless? Yip. Would I do it again? NO! Like I said, it’s not worth it. If you want to feel like a whore and a slut and a heartless pile of sh*t, then please go ahead and have an affair. But really, you are only thinking about yourself. You can have a million reasons for doing it, but at the end of the day, you are only thinking about yourself.
I decided that I made a mistake, and now I’m going to fix it. I can’t do this to his wife or family even if he feels he can. I feel terrible that it did.
So here is my recommendation to all of you considering having an affair: It’s not worth all the trouble.
Even if you can keep your emotions out of it, and have minimal expectations, you are still going to crave the attention that he gave you, and you are still going to want more than he has to offer. If he’s good in bed, you are going to miss that too. It’s just not worth it.
I’m lucky. I’m putting an end to this before anyone gets hurt. I’m not going to be the one without a conscience anymore. I made a huge mistake, and I’m not going to make excuses for my actions. I feel guilty for what HE is doing to his family, and he doesn’t seem to care about them at all. So I am doing the right thing and ending it. Is it easier said than done? Absolutely. Do I still have to deal with him flirting with me and saying all the right things? Yip. You get what you put up with. I’m taking back control of my life.

written by its nice to know i’m not alone in my struggle to move on..., 03 December, 2009

I just want to say thank you to everyone that was strong enough to come here and post your stories... I’ve been seeing a man with a girlfriend for the last year and a half and I feel so horrible about it. Everything about the situation, from him lying to her all the time, to our "relationship" tearing away at me everyday he doesn’t leave her. Like many of you, he has never said anything about leaving her...I always thought actions spoke louder than words, and I think that’s what i’ve been holding on to all this time. I madly in love with him and I can never bring myself to fully let go and move on. I’ve tried a few times already to leave, but I’m too weak... I’m sure he knows that i’m always going to be here because i always leave and come back.

The last couple months have been the hardest... we go to separate colleges and I always gave him this excuse as to why he wouldn’t leave her. I always try to tell myself that he’s weak and he would do the same thing to me if we were together...but for some reason, it’s doesn’t cancel out my love for him. The idea that he’s not as happy as he could be, or that he doesn’t want to be alone...

All these excuses run through my head daily, but at the end of the night when i’m alone in my bed and i know he’s with her... it kills me. each day i say i’m gonna leave...but each time i’m actually close to being strong enough, he swoops in and sweeps me off my feet again giving me hope. I’m scared of living without him. He’s my best friend and lover... being with him hurts because I know now he will never leave her, but being without him hurts 10x more...I don’t know how to be strong...

written by LD love affair, 04 December, 2009

Dear Empty;

PLEASE know that nothing or NO ONE/MAN is EVER worth harming yourself for. If you need help or someone to talk to, please do so. I strongly urge you to get some counseling to get a handle on these tough emotions you are facing.

I PROMISE YOU, it will get better in time. Please change your focus to your children and grandchildren, because that is what is truly important. Forget the guilt, blame and shame, it will not serve you. You are not alone in your feelings, I felt the same devastation and it literally scared me because I didn’t eat, or sleep, I called friends at 4:00 a.m. for advice – we get like this because it is not a regular "normal" relationship and so the obstacles both obvious and the ones we conjure up in our mind are magnified 10x. I said I would NEVER allow myself to go through that again – start with you TODAY, RIGHT NOW and work on your self-worth believing you deserve happiness with someone who is willing to give it to you – WITHOUT CONDITIONS. Please post again and let us know how you’re doing.....TAKE CARE!!

written by KatrinaJB, 06 December, 2009

I met a man who works at a local store I go to regularly. When we met there was a very strong mutual attraction. I am single and looking and I reacted toward him as if he were a single man. He wore several rings, but none looked like a wedding ring. He was really interested in chatting with me and getting to know me. I found myself going to the store more often that I really needed to just to see him and say hello. He soon asked to go out with me and asked for my number.

We went out and had a great first date. I asked him about his rings and he told me they were all made by his mother who lives in West Africa (where he is from) and that she sends more regularly and he gives them away to people who like them. He had every opportunity at that point to tell me he was married and he didn’t.

We progressed to a sexual relationship very quickly. About two months in from when he first asked me out he confessed he was married. He told me he loves his wife and will not leave her. He also told me he had been married for less than a year. This is is first marriage, but he has a 9 yo daughter from a previous relationship. By the time he told me the truth about being married I was already in love with him and still am. He brought his daughter to spend time with me. He wants me to be a part of his life. He makes large chunks of time available to spend with me. It is more than sex. We really have an emotional connection too. He won’t say that he loves me, but he treats me like he does.

I can’t figure out why he wanted to be with me after just getting married. He’s said that he know we could’ve had a great life together if we had met and connected sooner. His wife is a homebody, content to work on sewing and crafts. He is very social and active and always out helping friends and family with various things.

I also can’t figure out why he would risk his new marriage for me. I am someone who never thought she would be involved with a married man. But he let me become that kind of person unknowingly in the beginning. We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months now. I continued even after I knew he was married because he was giving me the most emotional and sexual satisfaction I have had in about 15 years. But I worry all the time about his wife finding out and the devastation that would cause for her and I really don’t want to be the source of that kind of pain to another human being. I found ways to avoid being with him sexually for about 5 months, but just this last month let my weakness have the better of me and let him in again. I know that by loving him I am occupying a part of my heart that should be free for someone who is truly available to be with me. The problem is I looked for years to find someone after the end of my last long-term relationship and this affair is the best thing I’ve found and that makes it really hard to let go even though I know it is what I ought to do.

I do not believe this man will leave his wife. I do believe if we’d met sooner we would’ve have been able to make a happy life together. This is not a bad man. He goes to church weekly. He is generous to friends, neighbors and family both here and back in west Africa. And I do think he has love for me. I am happy to have what I have now, but what I really want is more and that will never happen with him. I just haven’t figured out how to walk away yet.

I’m sure some people will judge me negatively on here, but I am hoping others may have constructive advice for me.

written by brokenwife, 06 December, 2009

Dear empty,
Don’t buy into his lies,
I have recently discovered my husband was lying and cheating on me.The ow says that my husband and I don’t have sex,(through his words to her)
We have been married many many years and have had a very intense sex life throughout.And even when he was having sex with her he was having sex with me every morning before work and went to work and received oral sex from her,the only times they could be together was when he was supposed to be at work,I can’t begin to imagine all the other lies he must have fed to her for excuses,because she knew he was with me.and came home every night from work like clockwork,no late hours nothing,but she kept giving him what he was looking for a ego boost and so he had his cake and cookies too,all the time lying to me that he wasn’t cheating and could not ever do that,I was all he ever wanted in his life.
So let him go tell him you will not be his fool any longer,don’t let this man destroy your heart.
THEY ALL LIE !!!
They ARE LOOSERS!!!!
have pride in yourself and tell him to go away and be with his wife.
this will only tear you apart in the end like so many broken hearted women here.
He is a wak coward who thinks it’s alright to play with two peoples hearts and emotions.
DON’T EVER BUY INTO THE NOT HAVING SEX LIE THATS WHAT THEY ALL SAY.
bestluck to you,maybe you and your husband should seek counseling to save your marriage.
don’t let this cheater keep filling you with his lies and deceptions.he is truly not worth hurting yourself over.
I guarantee you when he is home he tells his wife how he loves her and that they have sex,You are being used to feed his selfish ego.
Don’t do this to yourself.
And for God’s sake don’t hurt yourself,he isn’t worth it.As he will never leave his wife and will go onto another woman who he feels he can sweet talk into bed,and cheat on his wife again,while she sits there believing they are happy,home is great and he slowly kills her with his cheating.

written by destroyed to my core, 06 December, 2009

Hard-earned advice at the end and a question for the wives at the end. Please advise!

I am so glad I found this site. Reading all your stories has helped me begin to find the strength to end my affair, I think and I hope I can. I am MW, affair with MM, both of us have kids. Began as most, innocently, took us by surprise, thought we’d never cross the lines we did as we crossed each one, fell in love, talked about everything, current events, politics, ethics, values, raising kids, had arguments and debates, picked each other’s brains on things, talked/emailed 2, 3, 4 times a day, sex was unbelievable, he said he wished he could freeze his life and start a new one with me, he knows I am a better match for him than she is, he connects better and communicates better with me, etc etc. Every day like this for 9 months. My marriage already was dying, now on total life support, talking to him was only think making my marriage bearable, giving me hope each day for a meaningful, passionate human connection.

Wife found email and phone records, he SHUT ME OUT LIKE THAT. Went into total panic, self-preservation mode, I love you, I am so sorry, I will miss you, but it has to end, I can’t lose my kids and my life as I know it. End of my world. No hope for anything. Every day gray, bleak, cry cry cry, have to hide it from EVERYONE, this secret pain is pure hell. It was as if our love/bond never even existed, it was GONE like that, how could I be so forgettable to him??? The pain was unbearable, I actually felt betrayed by my best friend.

Then the noose loosened a little for him at home and contact started again a little, has escalated a bit in the last 2 months, we are planning to see each other again. WHAT AM I DOING????? I am cold as ice to my unsuspecting, loving, devoted husband, who I am just not attracted to at all and certainly never will be again after being with this other man, the thought of sex with him for the rest of my life is beyond depressing. I am horrible. Horrible. Never in 10 million years thought this would be me. I always harshly judged cheaters. Now I know how it can happen. Every day is hell waiting for a call or email that may come but with much less frequency and gusto than before, and constant comments on how he cannot get caught, cannot lose his "life." He has DESTROYED MINE. My peace of mind, my soul/psyche are destroyed at the core, and he goes on to enjoy sex with his wife on a regular basis and all their social circles.

He does love me, I believe that, I saw him struggle with losing me and I have seen him cry over me, and I know the conversations and bond we shared. But he will dump me in a NY minute again if he has to protect himself. Why can I not let him go? He is NOT AN OPTION for me, yet I want more more more. I have realized a few things for anyone on the brink of ending an affair with MM, if you need a push: number one, men can compartmentalize and separate their lives, and not let love for us impact their love for their wives. He loved his wife exactly the same through all this, while wooing me and falling head over heels for me and finding in me all the things his wife was lacking. We cannot do that, we cannot understand or process how it is possible that they can do it, so we will never get over this. Number two, affairs reach a point where there is no natural place for the emotions/intimacy to go – the emotions and love SOAR and then they must simply STOP and stay contained in a box designed by him. It is not natural to a woman’s head or heart, and it is absolutely devastating, and something we again can never fully process. Third, no matter how much he loves you, and I know many of us have truly found love, he will stay with his wife. Even if he loves you more. Even if his wife is not his soulmate or perfect match. As long as his marriage is tolerable, he will stay. Women will go to the ends of the earth for a man who is our perfect match, we will do anything, move mountains, to be with him. Men, not so much. They will stay in less than ideal marriages for all the things that go along with that – the kids of course, and the status in the community, friends, social circles, etc. Their "life." We don’t think that way, we don’t understand how they do, it is something we will never fully process either. All this adds up to BIG TROUBLE and heartbreak we can never recover from. Never. I will never be the same, I will never fully heal.

He is in marriage counseling and still talking to me, planning to see me. I want to see him (help me!) but also am starting to sympathize with his wife because he is sooo devious. Does anyone recommend ever telling the wife the full story? She does not know we were ever together physically...

written by Your Victim, 07 December, 2009

To brokenwife: My story is very similar to yours. Are you still with your husband? I have struggled with myself to leave but an catch between the man I know at home and the other one who apparently has cheated. I too have been married many years and felt that soon we would be entering a time in our relationship for just the two of us. The kids are raised and out on their own so it should now be our time. I did not anticipate life being this hard and confusing at this time.
I posted to this site last year, hence the name I use, Your Victim. I wrote to try and tell the ow (s) the wife’s side but not from a hurtful angry point of view. I have learned not to expect too much from a man but from women I did think (maybe in error) that women should have respect for other women but I have found out that is definitely not true for many. The woman my husband was with even sent me recordings of their time together and what hurt the most was the way he talked to her. When confronted with these messages he had no where to go to lie. They were co-workers and she was a minister’s wife... a very unhappy bitter one from what I can determine. He was always home at night and never late. They saw each other at lunch while they worked together and after.

I have never thought of hurting myself but have wanted to hide. I guess that is licking ones wounds. Anyway, if you are no longer with your husband I would really like to know how you got out?

written by burned by him, 07 December, 2009

Rule NO 1...dont ever believe anything they say about their wife....they tell you this crap to get what they want from you!
Once they have it, you will be left alone, called a whore and everyone that knows what you did, will hve a very low opinion of you!
He will walk away the stud...believe me.

written by the ow, 08 December, 2009

My husband left me for the other woman 2 months ago.
Recently, hes been texting me and calling asking me for another chance and that he realizes he made a huge mistake and could never love her like he loved and still loves me.

So now I guess I am the other woman.
.

written by broken wife, 08 December, 2009

dear your victim,
hang in there if that is what you truly want.
if you love him and want to save your marriage stay if not then go.
Still hanging in there with mine

written by broken wife, 08 December, 2009

to your victim,
Hi yes it seems our situations are similar,and it’s not supposed to be this way,after years of love and loyalty, maintaining the home etc,We got slapped.Yes it hurts like hell.But seek therapy first and foremost for yourself,And if hubby is willing,go to couples counseling.and make sure you get a check up with your dr.if he didn’t use protection.All you can do is hold on,If you want your marriage and love your husband then you stay and try to work it out.I know the pain is unbearable,everyday is indeed a struggle but it to will pass.i’d like to write to you but don’t know how we can contact one another.
but keep your head to the sky.
everyone is hurting in these situations.But that call you got was beyond low, that wa most horrible thing for someone to do.I know that hurt so so much.
God Bless all and good luck to everyone in these trying times.

written by guest45, 08 December, 2009

Hi Destroyed To My Core,

Sorry to hear about all that you’ve gone through.
I wouldn’t recommend telling the wife. Like the ole saying, "don’t shoot the messenger". It never bodes well for the messenger and especially coming from the OW. It’ll be just another strike against you.

If I were you, just walk away with any shred of dignity you have left. Hold your head up high and let him stay in his safe lil’ world.

One thing you should try to avoid though. These words that you are using,

I’m afraid because that she will turn it all around on you because of who you are.

Instead of seeing it as you trying to give her information about what her husband is doing to her. You’ll be trying to break up her marriage.

Please don’t continue giving this MM the best of you. He doesn’t deserve any of you. I know, because I am and have been going through my own affair as well. The MM that I have been involved with is as much of a coward as the one you’ve been involved with.

There will come a day when you’ll have had enough of the self inflicted nonsense. It’ll be the proverbial, "lightbulb" moment.

You can control when that moment will arrive, by just making a step towards ending it and then not backsliding, not doubting your own abilities. The truth is, it takes more to stay in it, than not.

TAKE CARE AND BEST OF LUCK.

written by ps, 10 December, 2009

I have just found out my wife has been having a affair and it has ripped a massive hole in our family. It has devastated not only me, but so many other people,especially our childrens and my wifes parents. I never thought my wife would ever betray me, but I also know I pushed her away emotionally for years.
It’s the worst pain imaginable, just like a bereavement. A sense of overwhelming pain and anxiety for both of us. We are working together to re-build our marriage, but you have to be prepared to move forward and change. It hurts so much the things she has done and that she misses this man, but we are both committed to this and are determined to see it through. Of course, he has already tried to make contact again with my wife, but she has shown me the text and replied to it with me there, telling him she must re-build her marriage.We have to be totally honest with each other now. Importantly, its the trust we need to work on, as we are nothing without that, but thats going to take time.As ronan keating sang, life is a roller coaster...It certainly is now

written by Not Delusional, 10 December, 2009

To all of you out there trying to end things as I am, the only way you can do it is to stop all contact. It’s not easy, and yes, you are going to want to go back to him.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that it’s just not worth it. I know it’s hard! Trust me, I’m going through this right now!

I work with the guy, so my only option to stop all contact is to quit my job. Not exactly the best option in this economy. So I have to decide if I’m going to continue things with him (which will of course go nowhere)or end things and most likely watch him start something with someone else in a few months. That’s not a very fun option either.

I want him. I know I need to stop all contact. It’s hard, ESPECIALLY when he tells me his wife is leaving town for a few weeks to visit family. Tempting, I can assure you. I know nothing good can come of this. It doesn’t stop me from wanting him though.

So wish me luck. This is going to be one of the hardest things for me to overcome, but it’s the right thing to do. I just keep trying to remind myself how much easier my life would be if I never would have done this to begin with.

Good luck to all of you. Stay strong. Try to be the bigger person and do the right thing. We all make mistakes. Some of us try to fix them, and for others, it just takes a little longer.

written by Neophyte, 10 December, 2009

whew it’s a good thing i found this site. I’m only 19 years old, but been involved in several relationships with different committed guys. My biggest stupidity was giving my virginity to a guy with a girlfriend. i dunno what made me do it, but i did and it was horrible. it’s as if he only used me as a sexual toy or something. i fell in love with him through the course of whatever relationship we had and it devastated me when he cut off all our connections for his girlfriend. what makes moving on harder is that he had a part of me which i cannot get back.

i don’t know what is it with me that attracts committed guys. my friend told me i’m more of a mistress material than a girlfriend. i’m starting to believe what she told me and though i do not like it, i am already living her "prophecy". help!

written by guest45, 10 December, 2009

Neophyte! Baby girl, you are younger than my baby girl. OMG, I just wanna ((hug you))! Puts tears in my eyes reading your post.

Your friend, should not plant those "mistress seeds" in your head. You, like most of the other women here, that have been involved with "committed people", do have something going on within us.

Each one of us has our own unique story to tell. Doesn’t make us homewreckers, or whores, regardless of what you may hear or read.

What it does make us, is prolong whatever it is that’s going on inside of us. These committed guys (and girls)
, some, not all, know how to spot a vulnerable person, a person that might crave validation, affection, someone who listens well, makes them feel wanted.

All of us have to be prepared for this in the future and not put ourselves in a vulnerable position. Now that we’ve been down this road, we have to put up our own unique detour signs and avoid it in the furture.

When you and I love ourselves more, then , and only then, will we attract, loving available people. So Neophyte, stop selling yourself short, you deserve someone capable of giving you all of themselves.

Please stop living this prophecy, just at least try a different way.

written by broken wife, 10 December, 2009

to destroyed to my core,
don’t fall back into his lying trap,If you do you will be giving him just what he wants,his cake and cookies too.If you know this man is devious than why on earth would you want to lower yourself to his level?
don’t you deserve better than someones seconds?
He is not going to leave his wife and if I were you I’d be careful because if she knows he’s been cheating she very well may have someone following him around and he may not know.You could be getting into a very messy situation,have you seen that show cheaters?
I would be very leary of a man that I know is devious,after all he has been lying to his wife about seeing you and how do you know he isn’t lying to you and also seeing someone else.
If he truly wanted out he would get out.Don’t buy into his lies.He’s using you for his own evil twisted needs.
Men are sneaky.but I would not give him a second thought or even meet up with him,you are going to get hurt and possible find yourself in a bad situation.Are you aware that in some states adultery is a felony?
don’t do this to yourself.
Good luck to you

written by broken wife, 10 December, 2009

hi destroyed to the core,
some wives want to know the truth,
because the man has most likely lied to her,I’m sure he has been questioned by his wife as to whether he has been cheating,and most likely lied and swore he never has and never will.
Those are the lies I got from my husband And I know that he was cheating to the core.But he is a coward.I told him if he thought he was man enough to cheat then be man enough to own up to it.He continuously lied.So I had to resort to hiring someone to break his lies.I need my proof also so I can leave his lying cheating butt.Before I get caught up in some std,because he is cheating.
So some wives will appreciate you breaking the silence,all women are not the same.This man seems to have a good wife and is betraying her to the very core.
tell on him and watch how fast he runs and lies his way out of it.
Still wish my hubby’s ow would contact me.
So i can fry his lying ass.
Good luck girlfriend.But don’t meet with him,
don’t see him.stand your ground he is lying scum.why would you even want him? he will do the same to you.
and lie and deny it.He probably hasn’t told his wife anything but lies and swore he’s never cheated.
But we know,,,
Don’t give him anymore of your heart or time he’s a user and liar.Look at all the ladies in pain on this websight.
Good luck to you !!!

written by guest 7887, 12 December, 2009

Im a wife and i can honestly say, i would not want to hear anything from my husbands ow! I dont honestly believe they would be telling me the truth. I have read a lot of these post where they are obviously delusional and think they really have something meaningful!

What I have discovered is, there are a lot of lonely women who will take the company of any man, and who really dont care if that man already has a family!!!!

written by sorry2009, 13 December, 2009

My husband and I had a great marriage, two beautiful children, and never any problems. We have been together for 7 years and married for five. My husband and i have both been in the military, i was deployed once with him and then he was deployed without me and i stayed home with the kids. Somehow after about 9 months of being a faithful, lonely wife, I made the mistake of talking to a man from my past. He was the first boy i ever really liked and we had liked each other since we were 10 and 13. We are now 23 and 26, I’m the older one. He knew about my husband but our curiosity about each other got the best of us and we decided we wanted to have sex. Just once you know to get by till my husband got home. Well as soon as we were together all those old feelings came back and we fell for eachother so hard and fast and we never saw it coming. We saw each other for four months, he got close to my kids and they loved him. Now my husband has been home for two months and I dont feel like i even like him anymore. I have not seen the other guy but miss him so tremendously but i dont wanna let my marriage just end, I have always been so against divorce. My parents have been divorced several times and I wouldn’t want to put my kids through it. I know if I told my husband about the affair he would be very hurt and probably ask me to leave. I dont want to just throw it all away so i have been silent but I’ve rehearsed in my head many times telling him I want to leave. I dont know if I could even be with the other guy if I leave but now everything my husband does annoys the crap out of me and I don’t feel drawn to him in any way. I want to build my relationship back of with my husband and forget about the affair but I am having trouble finding ways to get closer to him, I just cant fake it. I still love him but I’m not excited about being with him anymore and i dont want to be unhappy forever cause that is no way to live, its not fair to him either.

written by loveboat, 13 December, 2009

i have been having an affair with my good friend for almost 3yrs, his wife of 3yrs found letters that him and i exchanged. i know what i did with him his wrong and i do not want to hurt anyone, as hypercritical as it sounds, i could tell her the whole truth but i dont want her world to crumble because of me, she was told that " were just good friends" and she has made all kinds of changes with him email phone records trxts everything will be monitored , i see that he is willing to go thur all of this for her and even stop talking to me completely. i am so hurt and mad by what i believed he felt for me , i want to tell her everything and show her everything that him and i have been thur, but i rather just look the other way i just dont know how. did i mention we all work together.

written by Dupped, 15 December, 2009

Okay so I have read many of the responses and I understand the complexities of being in a relationship with a married man.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be in this position and the truth is if I was told the truth right from the get go I would have ran the other way.
I believe people, plain and simple. I might be niave but I have always given people the benefit of the doubt. When I met the man I became involved with, i was led to believe he was separated for 2 and a half years. I did some checking and many others who also knew him said he was single, I had no reason to doubt him.
As our relationship grew I began to notice red flags, big ones, he did not take me out in public, when I asked about this he reassured me that it was because he had never been down this road and was somewhat gun shy, I pushed the issue and he high tailed it.
He soon surfaced after a few weeks and I straight out asked him if he was involved in another relationship, he said "no", he was just scared.
I decided to give it another shot, things did not change, pressure was put on him and guess what he high tailed it. I told him he had to get honest with me, I did not want to be a girl friend on the side. To make along story short, he was married and I was lied to.
I begged him for honesty and never got it. I found out he was separated for a total of 2 months when we met and had returned to his marraige without telling me (or his wife).
I am divorced and 100% single and i have to say to you guys who are still married, try honesty!
I have had guys ask me out with the intent of getting a roll in the hay, they have,at least, been up front about it and as distasteful as it was, at least they were honest about their motives and I do respect that. I was not misled or lied to and I knew exactly where they stood, everything was clear and I was able to make a decision about whether or not I wanted a mere roll in the hay.
Guys if that’s all you are looking for then at least have the balls to say so, up front, right from the start. Do not mislead us with lies, that is so hurtful and it is difficult to make a decision when vital information is omitted. Get some real balls and we may not like you but we will respect you for your honesty.

written by Dupped, 15 December, 2009

Married men... I don’t understand you, if things are so bad at home, do what other people in the world do, get a divorce then move on.
I was dupped by a married man. When we met I was told(by him) he was separated for 2 and a half years. I asked other people and they said, yes he was single. I later found out he was real good at playing the game and omitting important information.
Based on the information I got from him, I entered into a relationship with him. Early on I got some real big red flags, he wasn’t taking me out in public. When I raised my concern and put the pressure on he high tailed it only to reappear a few weeks later to tell me he was scared, this was a new road that he had never been down before, I believed him and compassionately took him back.
This pattern would repeat itself. Then I found out he was separated for two months before we met. During our break ups he would resume his relationship with his
wife.
I am so angry for being misled and having vital information withheld from me. If I had know the facts I would have turned and ran for my life. I am a divorced, intelligent and attractive person. I have had single men and married men hit on me who were straight forward and said all they wanted was a roll in the sack. As distasteful as this is, I do respect that because at least I know where I stand and I can make a clear decision. Guys when you lie and misled us, all respect is lost. Get some real balls and lay things out on the table so we know what your intentions and motives are.
Yes, I had an affair with a married man, it was in absolute poor judgement, had I know all the critical information, I would not be trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered reputation. It is hard to walk down the street and hold my head up high because I know people believe I am a marriage wrecker but I know I would have made a very different decision had I met an honest person.

written by snowqueen, 15 December, 2009

to lost in thought....you are lost in real life! hes home where he wants to be, not for any other reason ! But go ahead and keep telling yourself that! I’m sure it helps you feel less of a used slut.

and for the record....no one is a "must choice"...divorce rates have never been higher!

written by Christin, 16 December, 2009

Oh my God. I am so glad I found this site. My married lover of one year just dumped me yesterday, and although I am also married, I am devastated. He tells me that it’s the guilt and shame that’s getting to him, and it’s becoming too complicated. His wife is getting suspicious, and she is also trying to reconnect with him. So now I’m faced with the reality that I’m an absolute idiot for getting involved with a married man, and that I have put my own marriage in serious jeopardy. I am so glad that he broke it off, because I never would have had the strength to do it myself. To make matters worse, we are neighbors separated by only two houses, so now I have to try and make sure that I don’t run into or see him until I can get over my depression and addiction to him. What an absolute mess I have created for myself, and I have no one else to blame. I can honestly say if he called me right now and asked to see me, I would jump right back into it again, that’s how addicted I am. I have to force myself every moment not to call him and beg him to change his mind. So, there you go. I’m in Hell, and I can only hope and pray that one day I will have peace of mind again, and I can reconnect with my own sweet loving husband again. Anyone considering having an affair, you are taking your own heart and will be put