Past Comments – Will he leave his wife

Comments (1108)

written by Guest, 26 March, 2006
This is the truth!
written by InTheSameShoes, 03 November, 2006
Damn if this isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is!!!! Maybe I should listen to this joker!!
IN THE SAME BOAT
written by Lover, 16 November, 2006
Everything said is so true.
written by I’m there, 16 November, 2006
I been in a relationship for 14 years. He also had excuses and babies kept popping up. He kept saying he was forced. Now he involved another woman in the circle. So it’s his wife, me and another woman. I called the other woman and broke up with him. It does hurt and I hoping that my feelings will go away in time. The worse part, I see him everyday. So it only gets worse. You should talk with him and see if you can manage a future or get away from him fast.
its a fool game
written by FOOLNOLONGER, 03 January, 2007
Don’t waste your life on these weak men.

finish it immediately then spend some time alone to discover who you are and what you really want and deserve from life.

Only once you learn to value and respect yourself will you begin to attract the right type of people in your life.

I have just wasted 9 months trying to understand why my male colleague who is clearly infatuated with me physically, intellectually and emotionally has chosen to stay with his immature, needy, clingy, dependent, unreliable and not particularly attractive girlfriend of 18 months.
NO MORE !!! I have put a stop to his games and regained power and control of my life !!! YOU CAN AND SHOULD DO THE SAME !!!! GOOD LUCK !!!!
Reality check
written by Anonymous, 21 January, 2007
I was involved with a married man for two years until I recently ended it completely. The fact of the matter is, in RARE instances there is ever a happy ending to an affair. Take a deep look into what started the affair, why you’re still in it and by all means stop assuming he’ll ever leave his wife for you. My advice is to be strong, connect with friends and find happiness that you certainly deserve without the deceit and heartache.
So true
written by Eva, 26 January, 2007
I broke up with him today after one year he made all the promises in the world to me..... I believe he loves me, but even if she threw him out he wouldn’t leave.
just go away.. if he loves you he’ll leave her and go after you, if not your life will be on track...
easier said than done, but be strong
good luck
or terrible peeps
written by None of you are alone..., 23 February, 2007
It’s refreshing to see a post with such positive and supporting commentary. Too often I’ve seen or even heard comments about "getting what you deserve" from this type of relationship. I was sexually abused by a married man I loved... my father when I was a small child... I suppose I deserved that too if you’re in the aforementioned camp of reason. I don’t think anyone should be punished for truly loving someone. I do think that at 31 and having found myself in a couple of situations like yours I’ve learned to be wary of the advances of people who are already committed. However, if you do find yourself there you must realize at a point you are being used not respected or loved. I still feel that one of men I was involved with would have been a perfect mate... however, he was committed to someone else and I finally realized that his financial investment in their home and business were worth more than his feelings for me. It hurt... it still hurts sometimes. Obviously, someone who would treat you in a similar manner is NOT worth suicide. Believe me, he is not the only man out there... and if you’re stuck feeling that you need to keep in contact with him... do... BUT... my advice is start distancing yourself in gradual do-able steps and allow yourself to look for the love you desperately seek in some right places... explore the possibility of someone who will devote their time and love to you the way you have to him... and in the way your beautiful loving heart "deserves."
written by understanding, 25 March, 2007
My wife asked me to read this blog and I felt compelled to write a few words about your situation. Actions speak volumes over words. I hope that after you read this blog that it may open your eyes to what he IS really doing "to" you. You deserve to be good to yourself and not look to a man to fulfill you and all your desires. He is using you and will continue to use you until he finds somebody else to manipulate. I do know what I am talking about because I was the THAT GUY in another life. He uses the right words and has used them throughout the 10 year affair and you are still wrapped up in his unadulterated BS. He uses his wife as an excuse to play you like a well tuned violin. Share this blog with your lover and ask him to respond to it if he dares but I assure you that he will not because a guy can see through his BS real fast. Signed: Am Over Myself
written by CARING, 20 April, 2007
Just wanted to tell others it is so important to get to know someone before making a commitment for life. A family member got pregnant prior to graduation and married. They had been seeing each other for many years. Couple of years later the wife went to work in a career which was not well suited for family life – late hours etc. Not spending time at home. During the time at the new job she formed an attachment to someone else. Now a family is breaking up and heading in the wrong direction. A brokenhearted father and a wife with another man.
Think about the one who really has been there for you before going and seeking attention somewhere else. Work with what you have is very important because when it happens to you then it will make you think about what you have done and it??s over.
written by btdt, 23 April, 2007
How do you know his wife is not "interested in their marriage anymore?" You only know what he is telling you – and as the reformed man in this chat stated – "he is playing you like a well-tuned violin." I know because I was the other woman who is now being cheated on (same man) yet I certainly have been there for him in every way for 10 years and 100% invested in our relationship. There is absolutely no excuse for him to have done this to me.
written by lise, 04 May, 2007
I cheated on my husband with one of his friends. Me and this other guy became close very quickly and we just clicked, so to speak. We fell in love and talked every day and saw each other whenever we could. My husband knew something was going on and we got caught. Me and this other guy haven’t spoke since it happened. The pain I caused my husband is horrible. I was selfish and I decided to find happiness elsewhere because I wasn’t happy in my marriage. Nothing good comes from an affair. Everyone gets hurt. My husband will never get over this and I feel so guilty because of all the pain I’ve caused him. Just think of the guy’s wife and how devastated she would be if she knew you and her husband had a 10 year affair. He will never leave her. If he hasn’t left yet he never will. Dump him and stop wasting your life. Affairs are destructive and you need to put an end to it right away. It’s the only way.
written by wrw, 04 June, 2007
My husband cheated on me. I found out through their emails. The other woman was desperate for him to leave, and he made all kinds of promises and excuses to her, about his weakness as a person, and how he needed her strength and love to help him get out. He said terrible things to her about my lack of caring, poor mothering and other stuff. None of the bits about me were true. I love him madly and he knows it – I told him all the time. I’m a good,loving mother to our 6 yr old boy. I know that quite a bit of what he told her was lies or half truths too, because I was able to compare what he’d told her with the reality of how it was. He was constantly reassuring me there was no one else, it was just that he was trying to work out who he was as a person (before I found the emails). He was promising her to move from me but had all sorts of excuses. In other words, don’t assume your man is telling either of you the truth, or that his wife is so terrible. She probably knows something about the situation and its changed how she is as a person. I was driven mad by the lies and the intuitive knowledge of his cheating – I became depressed, anxious and intrusive. All the things that made me seem horrible, and her lovely and healthy.

Anyhow, he had to leave once I found out. Then he said he loved me and wanted us to get back together, but still kept on with the other woman, lying to us both. In the end I rang her and said we were both being lied to. After that he stopped the pretense with me. I guess moving out and being confronted with truth did break his attachment to me. They are still not together too, their relationship is still being conducted in secret as she’s a parent at his school. I’d say it also suits him to have her a bit at a distance, with me grieving in the background too.
written by Ogog, 08 June, 2007
I am a married man for 10 years. I had a relation with a woman for the last 6 months . I fell in love with her and really thought she was the woman I wanted to get older with. At the same time I had a 9 year old son that needed my love and time. My relation with my wife is not particularly bad but what I found in this woman was just something different. Conclusion, she left me for not making up my mind, I have a large emptiness in my heart.
written by shenaynay, 20 June, 2007
Sometimes, people do leave their husbands/wives for other people once they realize happiness is far better than misery/attachment. I have known people who have had extra marital affairs and made the hard choice to leave the "security" of the "family". Once the kids are grown, it’s a whole new ball game..
written by Hels Bells, 02 July, 2007
I have been in a relationship with a married man for 4 years now and am so desperate for him to leave his wife. It sounds very similar to Ogog in that his relation with his wife is not particularly bad but what we have is different. I couldn’t bear to be without him and know how much he would hurt if I were to leave him for not making up his mink which is why I take solace and hope from Shenaynay’s post "Once the kids are grown, it’s a whole new ball game.." His are 17 and 15.....problem is I am fed up of waiting, but couldn’t bear to not have him in my life?!
Affairs are not as easy as people think – it is not all fun, frolicking and sneaking about – it is a lot of hanging about, attending things on your own, and the lonely heart achingly long Christmases. Your heart breaks again each year when they go on the annual family ski trip, each year you say never again – but here I am four years on, writing this!
written by So Very Sad, 05 July, 2007
I too hold on to the hope of "once the kids are grown" I’ve left my marriage, which was not right for me, after meeting the man I’ve been in an affair with for the past 2 years. His 18 yr.old leaves for college in late August. He has never told me that he would leave his wife, says he can’t hurt his family that way, yet he loves me. I also believe he will never make a decision unless he is forced to...but I don’t want to leave just to see how he reacts; I want to be ready to deal with the loss (which seems unbearable) and be strong enough to go on and make my life a good one. I wish I understood why he can’t make a decision...I feel that obviously if he were committed to his marriage he wouldn’t be with me,wouldn’t care about what I felt, wanted, needed etc, but he does and he doesn’t run when I get emotional or upset...he doesn’t want me to leave but I can’t deal with this much longer. Why do men think it’s OK to be in 2 places at once? I couldn’t live with myself, I had to leave my marriage because I had made the choice to see where the new relationship would go. I’m so afraid I won’t be able to handle the loss.
written by Learned a great lesson, 05 July, 2007
I just want to say that as a wife who has been in both situations that men do not think like woman do. When my husband had a affair I was very hurt and also had a affair. I realized I didn’t want to set this type of example for my children and for myself. I got myself help and and started to take responsibility for my action. I realized we both were very immature in the way we communicated to each other. We both had to apogize to our children and each other for the terrible choices we made. Today we have have mature and still learning and growing but it was a painful lesson.
Affairs are not about love their about pain and getting what you think your missing from someone eles is not the answer.

husband and
written by brb, 06 July, 2007
When I first met him we were friends. I was going through a divorce and he was fighting to save his marriage. His wife had cheated several times and belittled him and told him she did not love him, Destroyed his self worth. I am now so in love with this man after a few months. I am scared to death he is not going to leave her. We both feel like we were meant for each other. How long should I wait to see if he does leave? He says she may attempt to hurt herself or flip out and end up back in the hospital and he would feel guilty. He is telling me he will leave in weeks..... Do I wait or get out now? I have not slept with him and wont till he has filed for his divorce, so he really does not have any reason to stay with me if he doesn’t leave her, lol.
written by written by shattered , July 09, 09 July, 2007
I left my husband to be with a married man after having an affair for 14yrs. He left and came looking for me we started to make a full time commitment together. I felt over the moon on this day 17.04.2003. Yes, I said, I must do what’s right for me and my lover. I did so wrong for many years I felt that this was the only way I would find inner peace and to finally show my lover that he had my total heart and soul. Finalizing things was so much easier than I thought it would be, no fear at all. My lover was there to listen and learn from it – as he was going to go through it as well. Well so I thought , but needless to say that my lovers intentions were not the same at all. Just after a month he decided to go back to his wife, he decided this was all to hard and to much heart ache for everybody despite what I had done etc etc. He came back and forth, happy family holidays, secret meetings, children sports school activities, birthdays.... So our confrontations became pretty intense. I even tried to confront the wife to tell all as she knew nothing only to be slapped with a AVO.... he stood by his wife in court (being a police officer and all). Well I was shattered but my life continued with its ups and downs, back and forth scenarios, the continuous lies and broken promises to me and the to his very gullible/naive/denialable wife. I decided to end it after 17 years I cannot go on with this I was true to myself right from the start and I continued to be true to myself right to the end. I ended it 04.07.07 only to find out with in 24 hours that he is completely happy partying with his old friends and family celebrating a 18th birthday. So all I can say if your so call true love, soul mate says he is going to leave his wife do not believe a single word until he shows you the fabulous DIVORCE papers you so long for. No man that says I will leave, leaves. My world is completely shattered.
written by dynababyyeah, 17 July, 2007
I too am with a married man only 3 months, but I love him so much I want to break up, but find I can’t. He says he will leave his wife when he gets some money after 20 years of marriage. He doesn’t want to be broke, but she is fighting him she doesn’t want him. But she also doesn’t want anyone else to have him.
written by MSJ, 01 August, 2007
I met my MM (married man) 16 months ago, it was love at first sight, he said I was the love of his life. We were both married with children. I told my H I wanted a divorce that month, moved out two months later. My divorce was final last month.

MM finally told his wife in June of this year, she had suspected for awhile. They decided to divorce. Once they met with attorneys and he found out how much it would cost him, he started acting strange...

I just found out today that he has been "reconciling" with her for the past two weeks behind my back, she is willing to forgive him and wants him back.

He still says he loves me, wants to see me, etc., but keep it a secret from her again "for the time being"... but I wont do it. I just cant believe the type of man he turned out to be. I told him never again, we are over forever. All my friends warned me from the start, I wish I would have listened.
written by Learned a great lesson, 03 August, 2007
When my husband had affair, one thing he was not looking for was marriage, just a carefree relationship and when the other woman started to put demands on him he ended it!
written by Get real, 09 August, 2007
Wow, these people who worry about "not being able to handle" life without a person who is only partly in their lives need to do more with their lives.

Mentor an impoverished child, work in a soup kitchen, volunteer in pediatric ICU... do something that shows you how people with real problems "handle" life and in doing so realize what a good person you can be on your own.

Spend time getting to know yourself and the good in you around other people, single people, doing the same thing and you may find yourself in a much better situation with a much more realistic outlook on the types of people that make good relationship fodder (e.g. the not-married-and-lying type).
written by not hungry, 18 August, 2007
three years... same old lines, "Me and my wife are roommates, I do everything alone, and I feel so lonely, but I want to be there for my child." Or, "I think this time we are headed for a separation." Or the king of lines, "Maybe, things will be different for us someday." Well, needless to say, finally, I have been weening myself off of him. The repeat patterns and inconsistencies have been much to blatant to ignore. Every woman involved with a married man should read the book "MY LOVER IS A LIAR". It is helping me to cut it off. I’ve stopped meeting him, and I’ve cut sex off completely. Now I’m staying busy, and letting the answer machine get his calls. The busier I keep myself the happier and more satisfied I feel. Like a hunter on a mission he is turning his charm up full throttle now, but lesson well learned girls, I’m not falling for it anymore. I realize he is married, he is a liar therefore he isn’t someone I trust my precious future with. I deserve better. Hope all of you settling for the crumbs of someone else’s meal will wake up and try a more fulfilling meal. Best of luck and self love to you all.
"the definition of insanity is doing the same wrong thing over and over again"
written by sick of it, 02 September, 2007
I feel so stuck in a dark deep whole. I have been married for 6 years and having an affair with a married man for 4 years. He has been married 12 years, we both have 2 children all under the age of 10! We have fallen deeply in love, We have grown to be friends, lovers, etc. Neither of us want to split up our families for the sake of the children. WE both would love a peaceful way out of both of our marriages and hope to be together one day. Even though I know better and I know it is all a bunch of BS I continue to live a life like this. Every day gets harder when we are both at home and cannot talk or cannot see each other, it is hard to be away from the one you love, yet I am not ready to leave my husband and I know he is not ready to leave his wife either, even though he gives me the same ol lines everyone says they say! I know I deserve better, I was raised much better than this, but what is wrong with me? Neither of our spouses are bad people I just think we both fell out of love with them. I know if we were both single we would be the best for each other but that is not the case, I feel like a drug addict because I don’t know how to let him go and move on with my life.. thank you NOT HUNGRY for the advice on the book to read. I need help seriously because I the more I try to stay away from him the more time I spend with him, its so hard being in love with someone you can’t have!
My life is just falling apart in front of my face.....
written by RTP, 05 September, 2007
I met a MM (Married Man) two years ago and at the time I was married as well. We built a long distance relationship and truth being told I was very unhappy in my marriage and per his statements he was as well. He perused me aggressively and we had a rare and truthful courtship being very open about everything and we are about to be married in three days. I feel like I’d been waiting for him all my life and we have been like best friends and accomplished a lot since our divorces we finalized as a couple. Now, I’m not saying this will happen for everyone. I just feel like in our case we wanted something, neither of our spouses knew how to give and it (Time, Attention, Sex, Friendship, Encouragement) was all we were missing in order to be happy. We had a lot of things in common and we’re mirror images of one another in regards to personality and ambition, etc. I give him what he needs and I’ve never been more satisfied in my life this is year three and it’s still GGGGREAT!!!
written by nelisha, 08 September, 2007
I have been involved with a married man for almost a year. He states that he is going to live his wife as he isn’t in love with her.He says that they do not have a sex life and they sleep in separate beds. He says the main reason why he stays is for the kids and as soon as he get his finances in order he is going to leave her.
I am tried of hearing his bs and I have made a decision to leave.
written by Left in Ashes..., 18 September, 2007
I too met a married man that completely swept me off of my feet and I fell completely in love with him. I know she knows and every time I see her its nothing but a cold stare. I agree with being addicted to him. One day soon he’ll realize that one of us is going to have to go and inside I don’t want it to be me. The only bad thing about it is that I found out yesterday that I am pregnant with his child. Now what am I supposed to do? He’s already got two girls with his wife and it kills me to tell him because I know that my child will never have a father like those two girls have. But really after reading all of these posts it really makes me feel better that I am not in the same boat and if he truly loves me then he will come for me. Not because I have his child.
written by Anonymous, 01 October, 2007
The MM and I were friends for about 10 years. I had a BF whom I loved. I was 12 years into our relationship before I started "dating" the MM. About a year into our affair, my BF and I broke up (nothing to do with the MM). The MM and I.. I feel as if he was/is my best friend. I could tell him anything... when things were rough in my life, he was always there to listen and give advice and encouragement.
We were best friends... he told me the problems he had with the wife- he said she wasn’t a bad wife but he doesn’t feel that she loves/wants him, where as I did. She is a good mother to their 2 kids (6 and smilies/cool.gif.. but he knows his marriage is lacking something and that was where I came in. I made him feel good about himself, where she always puts him down. I know I only know what he’s telling me, but I cannot explain how happy I am to be with this guy. He has always told me he does not intend to leave his wife and kids, but if he wasn’t already married he thinks we would be great together.
Three years into this relationship (and 2 out of the one my BF and I had), I find myself wanting more and more. There was nothing to stop me from loving him. Now he is afraid and I can feel him weaning me. He has said that he will always be there for me no matter what- sex or no sex- that we wer friends first and we will always be friends first. He said our friendship means more to him than the sexual part of our relationship. He says I scare him when I call and say "I want to see you" (I know when the weekends come around, I don’t get to see him,so sometimes on Friday nights I want to see him before he has to go home). I don’t know whether his wife knows or suspects anything (he says don’t be surprised if she already knows).. we’ve never had a complete relationship, I’ve never spent one night with him, we’ve always spent time either in his office or in the car, when we’re in public we’re in the "friend" mode unless it’s somewhere where he will not have the chance to be seen by anyone he knows, but it’s tough because he is a police officer whom a lot of people know.
Now I feel like he is weaning me and I don’t know what to do. He has said that nothing I can do will make me lose him... but now I am still trying to understand that he only means as a friend.
I really really don’t know what to do. No other guy can compare to him, but I find myself waiting waiting waiting all the time, and I subconsciously block every guy that comes along, good or bad. I am tired of weekends spent alone, tired of always waiting for him to call, tired of feeling lonely, but we’ve been friends for so long that I am afraid to lose him. I feel like he knows everything about me, knows everything I went through (when I broke up with my ex, I sold our house, our business, I took on a new profession, so I went through some major life changes). I really am afraid to lose him, but even as I type this blog, it really does seem that this MM and I don’t even have anything close to a relationship. And now I feel so sad.
written by not there yet, 02 November, 2007
Having read everything you all have to say... I hear what you are saying, I heed your advice, but I am simply unable to move on from my addiction. I have loved this man for years, we have been involved for 3 years. I ended my marriage because I didn’t want to be cheating on him, but he is still married and living in the same house as his wife! How does one get past this??
written by beenthruitall, 09 November, 2007
I think that we all are also afraid of being alone. I know I am.
written by Luvnfall, 18 November, 2007
What kind of outcome will I face with a MM that has 3 kids under 10? We work together, & after 9 months started a nonsexual relationship. We go to dinner/movies when possible. I was looking for companionship because my husband works out of town a lot. He has cheated on his wife several times in the past 14 years. I was not looking for love, but we have such great chemistry & conversation! I’m scared to death that I will fall into the same trap as the following blogs. What can I do, to keep my emotions under control? He claims that he wants to get his ducks in a row & he does not want to involve me in his issue?
written by Replica, 25 November, 2007
Well... I have to say that I am have been involved in an affair for the last 5 months... I was hoping that it would only be a fling... but, this man pursues me... calls me... cries... tells me that he is so in love with me... and he has been married now for 20 years. He says that he can’t file for divorce because it would leave him broke... since he won’t be able to afford paying for his "stay-at-home" wife’s alimony and three kids.... I have thrown him out of my apartment... I have broken up with him about 10 times... and he still begs... cries... and again says that he cannot leave me because he is so in love with me. He says that he admires my independence... I have told him that I do not see him ever leaving his wife because he is a weak man... and that I do not see myself having a future with him. He is a very kind, and caring person... his attitude is very genuine... which is why I went out with him. According to him, he engaged in this affair because his wife had neglected him love, affection, understanding and sex. I called the wife and told her that her husband was having an affair with me... and I told her the reasons why he had told he engaged in the affair... his wife agreed and said that for years her husband had been telling her that he was going to find another woman if she continued to refuse to have intimate relationships with him. She told me that her husband had not been lying to me, and that she had been very stupid for many years for not having had paid attention to her husband’s needs. While many affairs may occur... I may be stupid for having had engaged in one... but, something about him made me just try to understand him. But, now... even though the wife admitted to her mistakes... she still won’t leave him... because she is afraid to be alone... since she does not work... and the marriage brings financial security for her.
written by finally, 06 December, 2007
I finally broke up with my MM and I can’t say how relieved I am. Deep down inside I always felt it was a mistake. Oh, we spent great time together of course, better than a real relationship actually is, just at the beginning. He said he loved me, he and his wife are roommates, still cannot leave because of child and does not want to hurt anyone... I said I loved him and do not expect anything from him and support him anytime whatever... The problem is, how much I loved him does not matter at one point I too developed an attachment, or at least my inner soul tends to do. and I knew it was simply impossible with the man already attached to someone somewhere else. Things do not go as it starts. Feelings change, than it is time to make the final decision, without delay.
written by hopeless, 13 December, 2007
I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost 4 years now. I met him shortly after my husband passed away. He was someone who made me smile and someone I could communicate with, and made me feel alive again. We lived 1200 miles apart and I never thought a relationship would have developed. He knew I lost my husband a short time ago and maybe he took advantage of my clouded judgment at the time. We started seeing each other a few times a month. He had excuses for everything when I couldn’t get a hold of him. When I confronted him as to whether or not he was married, he stated he was separated and going through a divorce. I bought all the lies and BS for a yr till I was able to really see what he was up to. He was building a brand new home with his wife. I confronted him and thats when he said he was in fact married but was planning on leaving her. I bought it again. At this point I had fallen in love with him. Couldn’t stand the thought of not having him in my life. I decided to move to the same state, he agreed to separate. He finally did for about 3-4 months. I still didn’t trust him and did some investigating. He was seeing other woman as well as leading his wife on that he wanted to get back together with her. I called the woman as well as the wife, as we were all being snowed and I felt he needed to be put in his place. I left him, she took him back. months past and we started communicating again, and next thing you know we were back together. He again left his wife. The cycle plays out over the years several times. same thing different day. He leaves her to be with me, he goes back to her. I am back with him again and he is still with her. He has all the same excuses, he can’t leave the family owned business. If he divorces his parents with disown him. Its just excuses. I know I deserve better, but I just can’t shake him. He has his cake and eat it too. Wife, family, career and money, with me on the side. I can only hope someday I will become strong enough to send him on his way for good. One thing I do want to say is that I am more miserable being with him than being alone. Something to consider.....
written by In the same boat, 20 December, 2007
I have been with my married man for about 4 years. We have a child together. His wife found out about the child one year ago. For the past year he has been telling me he is going to leave. (He has children with her also). I made him promise almost everyday that he was going to go through with it. When it came down to the day he was supposed to leave he told me it was a lot harder than he thought it would be and that he could not do it. I then told him I couldn’t keep doing this that I think my very sanity is at stake some days. Of course now we are back to talking again. Only talking but I’m afraid we are going to end up back where we started. And I know this sounds naive but I know he loves me with all his heart. His family (who I’ve gotten to know) tells me this also and says that he’s never been happy with his wife. That they got married because she was pregnant. He tells me that he knows he is going to eventually leave her he just can’t say when. He doesn’t want to make anymore promises to me as he knows he devastated me. So now I find myself wanting to do something to break them up. Of course calling her is completely out of the question so anyone have any advice. Keep in mind I know that some will say I’m getting what I deserve and that I shouldn’t want him if he can’t leave on his own. I know all this so don’t waste your breath. I would like real advice. Thanks in advance. smilies/grin.gif
written by over it, 23 December, 2007
I wasted 2 years of my life with a married man. It began as an motional affair and he initiated making it physical. Could have said no but I was already in love with him. I thought it meant something. After 3 months his wife found out. I thought she’d kick him out but he was grateful she didn’t. He still however continued to seek me out for emotional support! I told him it was over and we didn’t speak for another 3 months. At the end of that time I was feeling better and against my better judgment called him up to see how he was doing. Well I’ve paid the price for that phone call. The affair resumed and 2 months later he moved out into a house he’d bought as an investment a while back. He spent almost every night with me for nearly 2 months and then one day up and pushed me out of his life to be with his wife again (their 18 year anniversary and xmas were coming up). Between January and April of this year he swung back and forth between us, a few weeks with her then a few with me, while still living in his bachelor pad. The last time he dumped me to go back to her I completely flipped out and we had this massive fight. I realized the whole thing had made me feel really violated. I was a mess of emotions, guilty about his ex and my part, hurt, untrusting, exhausted, angry. I felt victimized although I knew I put myself in that position. It ended between us although there was still contact from time to time. She went away for a few weeks and he was on my doorstep through that time saying he didn’t know if he really wanted to be with her but didn’t want to be alone. Big bloody red flag that comment was. I felt bruised and used again because the minute she came back he was all back to happy families again.
Well for 6 months he was there pretending to try and make it work, while still seeking me out for emotional support.
He finally left her again 3 months ago and came to me saying I was his angel, best friend, I’d set him free and he’d never given himself a real chance with me and this time would be different.
Thing is, I was only allowed to see a couple of evenings through the week and we’d have Friday nights together for the first 2 months but slowly my time became more restricted. I wasn’t ever invited to his house. And to top it off the only time he spent with his children was in his marital home. He’d take them out for dinner 3 nights a week then go back to their house and hang out with them and his ex till about 10pm.
So he left her without really leaving, and had me on the side with promises of commitment but reasons why he wasn’t ready yet and I woke up one day last week and thought, what the hell is going on and what was I ever doing with this man.
Why would he ever make a full commitment to me when I’ve shown all this time I’m willing to take scraps and always have him back anyway. I have never been so angry as I have been throughout this farce that can’t even be called a relationship. At myself for even getting involved in the first place and for contributing to another woman’s misery, and at him for continually violating the trust I tried to put in him.
I went completely against my morals entering this affair. That was a rule I’ve never before broken in my life (I’m 35) And now I fully understand why.
I’m coming out of the haze finally of my addiction to this man. All I ever wanted to do was love him and have him love me back, but in allowing the situation to continue over these years I gave him license to become a selfish, hurtful bastard who thinks nothing of destroying 2 good women.

Take this as a warning, any of you considering or in an affair.
Don’t let your need for love fool you into the same situation. Don’t beg and plead and wait or believe their lives. If they are really men and they love you the way they say,they’ll create a relationship with you properly. Walk away immediately. Have absolutely no contact. Don’t think you’ll change anything by trying to love them or making them dependent on you.
Just get the hell out of there.
written by Self Love, 30 December, 2007
I met my MM 6 months ago (he had separated from his wife)and things were great. I thought that I would take things slow in this situation and give him plenty of time to develop his feelings for me. After about 4 months things got to a point where nothing physical had happened but the desire was clearly there and I asked him what was happening with our relationship. My MM told he me that he had gone back to his wife for the sake of the children, but he did not love her. I was in love with him and agreed that I would keep seeing him and that we would be ‘friends’ as I did not know if I could take things further than that.

For 2 months we continued on as ‘friends’ although it is clear that we want to be more. I finally realized that I was very unhappy and I could not continue on and sought professional help. After some reflection I got up the courage to confront my MM. I told my MM what my feelings were, what I wanted from him and what I needed and I asked him to make a commitment to me to meet that and to make a choice between me and his wife. I said that if it he chose his wife then I was not going to see him anymore. I am waiting on his response now.

I understand and feel exactly the same emotions everyone has described above that you simply can’t live without him and the pain of losing him is so great. Despite what I have done I still feel that. However, I also feel a sense of strength and of control which I did not have before which has been positive.

The professional made me reflect on a few important issues that helped me in deciding to do it and may help you:

1. If he had told you that he has feelings for you and you do, then you have the RIGHT to tell him what your needs are and what you want and to ask him to step up and meet those needs. If he is not willing to do that you are entitled to leave as you will not be happy;

2. If this man loves you then he should be honoring you and treating you with the value and respect that you deserve and being honest and transparent with you;

3. Think about whether you are really happy with the situation and if it is what you really want, if it is not you have to try and change it;

4. If you confront him voice ALL of your needs and wants. Before doing it write it all out and practice a few times. Do it in private. After doing it cut off physical contact with him for a few weeks while he decides (phone calls are alright);

5. Make sure that you have an active life outside of the situation or work on building one, this will assist in moving on if needed;

5. Although the pain would be great if it does not work out (as the love is very intense and passionate), that can be found again in time.

written by over it, 02 January, 2008
He’s gone back to her.Again.While still retaining the freedom of his second home and still pretending to care about me and wanting to know what I’m doing etc and still offering me some hope for the future and telling me she’s his ex and nothings going on between them. Men like this never change.

written by content, 13 January, 2008
Its surprising how many of us have affairs with married men when if we were the wife of that cheating bastard we would be so hurt. I don’t know how we do it. I don’t know why but I hope I find someone like him for myself minus the lying and cheating part.
written by feta, 14 January, 2008
I sympathize with all the above. I have the maybe unusual situation of still being in love with my husband even though we have been separated for 15 years and for 10 yrs he’s been cohabiting with someone else. I’ve never had another relationship since. We have not divorced neither of us has wanted to, though we haven’t been intimate, we are best friends, tell each other everything. His relationship with girlfriend is not a happy one, he says he still loves me, that he’s going to leave her, excuses etc but its not happening. He is too weak to tell her its over and doesn’t want to have to take the blame or guilt as she’s threatened suicide. She has no knowledge we still communicate daily. They have no children, though we have. We met in our teens, now approaching fifties and are both still unhappy. Genuine advice welcomed,I CANT just move on... there will never be anyone else for me....
written by tz, 16 January, 2008
I met a man in oct 07 and he took me on a wonderful date, told me he wasn’t married etc. I then received a call a month later from him telling me he had been lying and was married but going to believe his wife. He sounded a little funny on the phone the other day, so I knew he was backing out. He said he had tried to tell his wife he was leaving, but all she did was cry. I decided to call his wife. He was lying to me all along. His wife said he had never mentioned leaving and told her always how wonderful it was to go home every day. I am hurt and angry. I even wonder what will I do if he calls now. He said He Loves His wife over the phone in front of her. I thought he was going to be the love of my life. She also asked me if I knew he was a recovering shooter of meth. I can’t believe it, but do. He portrayed himself as a great dad, honest, happy, fun, professional person. WOW!
written by looking inward, 17 January, 2008
What help me was to get therapy and I also got involved with 12 step programs. A book which also help was called Addicted to Adultery which is a true story on a high profile couple. My story is a happy ending my husband and I have been married 40 years. I hope this helps.
written by wanna get over it, 17 January, 2008
Over it, you made some strong points. It is my need to be wanted and feel good about myself that I allowed this behavior. I shouldn’t care what happens to them as a couple. I would like to have someone, but need to remember I still have pride and respect for myself. I am a good mom, work full time, pay my own bills, am average looking. Why is it so easy for me to settle for losers?
written by over it, 19 January, 2008
I finally woke up and the betrayal I feel is that he was about to suck me right back along for another ride of keeping me in the wings while being back with his wife. Or partly back there as he still lives in his bachelor pad that neither of us are welcome at. He cut off phone conversations to avoid questions and hysterics from me but was texting me every day to see how I was etc. His lies this time were so completely blatant that I wonder if he has one ounce of respect for me at all. This man is really a stranger to me and I have no way to tell what was real and what wasn’t. Except for the physical passion. That’s the only thing that wasn’t a lie but it’s not much really.
I had this huge need to be validated, to have all the good things he said and offered be the truth. I never wanted to be anyones affair. Ever. I needed him to become the loving partner that he promised to be because I couldn’t deal with feeling like some stupid needy girl who was being used for sex.
I realize I was looking in the wrong direction and I should have validated myself by never getting involved in the first place.
My heart is broken because I believed I truly loved him and my fantasy has been shattered. All his "we’re soulmates, you’ve set me free, you’re the best thing that’s happened in my life" were sweet lies because when he goes back to her he can be nasty and imply that it’s none of my business and I should basically rack off and leave him alone, only not go far enough that he can’t reel me back in for future use.
I’m glad I’m not his wife or bound to him by children. That would have been asking for a lifetime of hell.
written by wanna get over it, 23 January, 2008
The sexual part was important. It was not only good, but after I found out he was married I didn’t want to feel used either. I still don’t know why I would like him to call and check on me, and give me a reason. We will and have to get through this as difficult as it may be. I find myself being "easy" sometimes because I want Mr. Right to be in my life. I will let his wife have him since she feels so imp. now. She can deal with the lies. He was working 7days here and 7days off at home 4hours away. He has moved to a new town, but will continue 7 on and 7 off. Maybe I am just one of the many. Right now I have to pray for him and his wife or I feel"hate". How can people just look you in the eye and be lying all along. I have a conscious. It also makes me angry he embarrassed me, but I have lived the last two weeks w/out him and someday will forget it.
written by HELP, 24 January, 2008
Got into a relationship with my MM 5 years ago when I was still married and he and i both fell head over heals in love. Well, about 6 months ago I left my husband because I knew how wrong I was, I couldn’t live with the guilt anymore. Not only this, but I wanted to be with the MM. His wife has known since the beginning because we had been neighbors. Just last week he told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore and that he had to make the "decision". He changed his number and now I feel like I can’t go on. I’ve thought of every possible way to talk to him but have no means of conversation since he changed his number. I have a 5 year old from my x-husband and am scared that I can’t even be there for her because of the loss of him. How do I move on feeling unworthy of him... how after so long could he just walk away and feel nothing?
written by Just so you know, 29 January, 2008
While reading all these stories I feel so sad. Sad for me and sad for you. My MM sounds like all the rest, Damn, I thought this was different. It sounds like we need to take a long hard look in the mirror and love ourselves more. It wasn’t until now that I felt used, lied to, stupid etc. We deserve better. Just so you know, even if he leaves you don’t want him because if he will do it with you, he will do it to you. Stay strong pray for me and I you smilies/smiley.gif
written by gettin over it, 30 January, 2008
It has been three weeks now. I am almost thankful to hear that I didn’t get caught up in this too long. I still want him to call, but I am just like "help", no way to communicate. Maybe this is for the best. We don’t want to look desperate. I am with "Just so you know" that we do need to LOVE OURSELVES! You just remember how much that little 5 year old girl needs you!. That what I do. We need to stop wasting time on these jerks and give that attention to our kids. I can never get back the time with my 17 and 9 year old girls that I have wasted on men. This is great knowing we have a support team going. I will help any of you in any way I can. I too will pray for all of you and please pray for me. TZ
written by I’m the other woman too..., 01 February, 2008
We are perfect for each other. We both know it. And what we both know is that he’ll never leave her like he says he will. He’s waiting for his kids to get older too. We’re insane over each other, it so unbelievable how perfect we are for one another. He’s selfish and weak. He expects me to put up with this when he won’t put up with me having someone else. I’m trying to end it as well and it’s very painful. I hate him for this, for being so weak. I’m beginning to hate her for having everything I want; a home, stability, him at night. She’s never worked so she depends on him. As for myself, I am a single mother and I struggle every day to make a living, she- has it all without even trying. I hate my situation it’s so devastating. I’m sorry that you all have to go through the same.
written by tz, 04 February, 2008
I can relate. We were perfect for each other too, I thought. We both loved to gamble a little, like "Journey" and the same music, loved to have fun etc. I still have never heard from him and now know I won’t. It bothered me too when he would say how "his wife never had to want for anything, she always matched from head to toe, had a set of dishes for every occasion etc. I struggle worrying to just make ends meet. We need to remember we are "blessed". We have beautiful children, we are smart enough to work, and we have God. I went to church yesterday. It was a good start again. When I was messing around, I didn’t feel worthy of enough to go to church doing what I was doing. We just need to know we are here to support each other, and I ask God to put someone special in my life when he is ready. I do admit it is lonely. I am only 36 and I want someone in my life. I will pray for you, and please pray for me too.
written by stupid girl, 05 February, 2008
I am so stupid. I have been seeing a guy for 14mnths now. He isn’t married and i am so in love with him. He has now said for the first time that he will leave her for me. He is meant to be moving into a new house with her and says he will move with her and then walk out.He says they have neighbors are neighbors from hell and is scared that they will threaten his girlfriend if he is not there. Why is he doing this. Why doesn’t he just split with her now and live with her until they sell the house. I love him so much and feel i can’t go on without him. I have tried breaking away several times.
written by Another one endlessly in love, 07 February, 2008
I read these and see myself. I know I should run, I have told him the same. I know we are playing with fire, I know it’s going to really hurt in the end... yet I make every effort to be with him, to see him. Why am I so STUPID!?!?!?!?
written by tz, 08 February, 2008
I know what it is. We don’t think highly of ourselves and that we can do better. The guy I was seeing for 4months that was married and was going to leave his wife has never called again since I called his wife. By the way all the promises he was making to me and complaints about his wife were lies. She told me he never was going to leave and was happy. He then got on the phone and said he loved her. He used me. It is a game they can have both. I am getting a little better, but glad I was only in a few months. We need to stay strong ladies!
written by OPTIMISTIC, 11 February, 2008
I have a bit of a peculiar situation, me and my guy have been friends for over 8 years, I mean strictly platonic. I have met his girlfriend (of 2 years) as he has met my fiance (of 6 years) on plenty of occasions. We are best friends, up until about 2 months ago; I suddenly had some sort of epiphany about him and our relationship. I confessed to him what I felt, for him to tell me he has been in love with me the entire time we’ve known each other, he just didn’t want to exposed himself to me since I’ve never given him any indication of interest in him other than friendship.

Well being that we’ve been so much of good friends of course I love him to death as any woman would her best girlfriend. Now it’s a total different kind of love, I’m completely in love with him; he has told me the same and has even gotten so emotional to the brink of tears while expressing his feelings towards me. Obviously, we are now sleeping together which makes matters even worse.

I have indicated that I will leave my fiance (no kids, no attachments, mutual friends to deal with) if he were to leave his girlfriend (their parents are close, their families attend the same church so it’s inevitable they will have contact for a very long time). He has not yet said if he is willing to leave her for me yet, he says he isn’t quite sure if he wants to completely jump.

My thought is, we’ve known each other for over 8 years, longer than both of our relationships, it should be an easy pick, unless he doesn’t feel as strongly as he suggests. I’m not sure if I’m being too premature on making a leap for him or if he will eventually come around and maybe I should just give him a few months to get his bearings...

I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE INPUT FROM ANYONE THAT MAY HAVE A BIT OF INSIGHT ON WHAT I SHOULD DO, OR WHAT IT IS THAT HE’S REALLY SAYING BETWEEN THE LINES.
written by TishyPoo, 12 February, 2008
OPTIMISTIC, sounds to me like he is scared. Scared of what everyone will think, of his reputation, etc. You need to back off right away before things get out of hand. I’m not saying to break it off, just back off for awhile and tell him why. If he is truly in love with you, he will come for you. It will hurt like hell for awhile but if it’s love, it will work out.

~If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.~

Albert Einstein
written by Turn off your Lights no One is, 12 February, 2008
Dear Optimistic,
A man’s point of view. You have to be kidding me. Your letter is like all the other women who have had affairs. First you are involved with a man, a fiance, for over 6 years and you are not married yet? That says a lot about your relationship with him and that you are not serious about each other. He is getting the milk for free without buying the cow. Your relationship with your long time friend has just slipped into the same situation as your 6 year relationship with your fiance. Your long time male friend just got laid and that’s all there is to it. You are not going to make him change his mind because he does not love you in that way because if he did he would have jumped at the chance years ago. Here is my opinion. First Turn on your Lights (Intelligence) and look at all the clues because they are in front you. Reconsider your 6 year engagement and tell your male friend that it won’t work with him. Sorry this is harsh but it is from a man’s point and we look at things differently.

written by tz, 12 February, 2008
optomistic, I do relate with your situations in some ways. First of all I am glad neither of you are legally married or have kids. That will make it easier. I just got back with my husband after being divorced three years. I had seen other people and he had just began dating a lady the last couple of weeks. He had to break it off with her and felt bad for doing it let alone it had only been two weeks but they had been intimate. It is hard for a "normal" person to hurt someone else’s feelings. Give him a little time, but let him no you will not wait too long. Reasonable time to me is not over a month. If he wants you bad enough he will. Do they live together? Do you live with you mate? It does take a little time to get your ducks in a row. Good luck. My husband and I have know each other for 14 years married 8 divorced 3 and lived together for a few years. Its hard to find someone you know so well. Trust Me. I have met a lot of "bad guys" in the last three years. A honest nice person is hard to find.
written by get the clues, 12 February, 2008
Dear Optimistic – Action speaks more than words!!!!! People who really love each other do not give excuses especially after all the years you have known him.

written by Sad lady, 18 February, 2008
I have been reading everyone’s comments and I can both appreciate and understand emotions on both sides. I am a married women who has been involved with a married man for the last 6 months. I think my situation is unique in the fact that I was married before to a man who cheated on me. It was one of the most hurtful things that I have ever been though. I eventually divorced my ex and he went on to marry the woman who he cheated with. This time, I am the cheater. I remarried about 5 years ago to a man, who I probably never should have married to begin with. 8 months ago, I found my high school boyfriend. We had not seen each other for over 20 years. We got together and it was like we were never apart. I have always loved this man and I truly believe he loves me. We both knew what we were doing was wrong, but it seemed so right. I have children and so does he. His children are almost out of high school and yes, we have talked about him leaving once his youngest child graduates from high school. Do I really think that this will happen, not really. Our affair ended as abruptly as it begin and I am sorry I ever found him again. I am sorry because I love someone that I think I may never really have and it reinforces how miserable I am in my current marriage. I do see my marriage coming to an end soon. However, when it comes to my MM, I feel as though his wife has told him in no uncertain terms that she would destroy him career wise if he ever left her. They have a very good life together in terms of status and income. So in essence he is a prisoner to his fears and financially stability, and until he decides to let go, he will never be free. We both are in our early forties, and I refuse to wait any longer for this man, who cannot or will not leave his situation. As time goes on, he will probably wind up being a bitter old man because of the decisions he chose to leave with. This is the only affair that I have ever had, and I would not allow myself to be put into another situation such as this one because again it is just too painful. I am in torment, praying for the day when I can get over this man. The sad part, is that his is probably involved in an affair also. In my humble opinion, all the hurt affairs cause, just are not worth the trouble or effort.
written by kathyb, 18 February, 2008
I am the wife of the married man who left me and my adult children!!! I was married to him for thirty five yrs... Please you other women think about the pain you cause... we have not been together for over six yrs... He just married her two months ago. My daughter has been sick and most of it has been caused by her dad leaving me and his family. By the way other women they have less than a one percent chance of making it through the long haul! Please think of his family ...ANN
written by OPTIMISTIC STILL, 21 February, 2008
I really appreciate the input from everyone (even you, Turn off your lights, no one is). As to the questions that were asked, yes my mate and I do live together, we have no children or ties in any way. And we have only been engaged for 1 year, and we have been together for 5 years all on my terms. My future love and his girlfriend do not live together, and neither of them have children. I should have mentioned that we don’t live in the same state, I feel if he really didn’t have feelings he would not make half of the efforts to see me, I mean on Valentine’s Day he spent the entire day with his girlfriend, made some excuse, and drove from state to state to bring me flowers on my lunch break at work. And then drove back to her!

I do understand that he cannot just cut her loose, but I do feel if he was so happy with her, there wouldn’t be any talk of us being together exclusively, getting married, having children, which he is constantly making references to "our future" (I have asked him to stop making references like that being that he is not making any moves towards it), but he continues to say things like "Where do you want to go on our honeymoon?" or "Next year this time, we’ll be married, but it makes me so uneasy to pretend as if it’s a snap of the fingers.

I have not completely expressed exactly how I feel, no where near as much as he opens up to me, I am completely in love with him, and I’ve said it, but I have not voiced to him the depth of my feelings (for fear of being hurt directly). I am getting fed up with the sneaking, the txt messages, the planning, the lying its all too much (I’ve resorted to a notebook of all my lies in case I’m every approached, sounds stupid but quite smart).

OMG, I’m so frustrated and its so agonizing to continue on like this. I guess its just not mean to be, but I’m still hoping.
written by Need man’s point of view, 22 February, 2008
Started talking to my first love again over 2 years ago. We’re both married, although I’m separated from my husband. he says that he loves his wife but that he’s still in love with me. We’ve only had sex once, over a year ago. I’ve broke it off several times with him and him with me. He doesn’t promise anything and I no longer ask him to. We avoid seeing each other in person because the last time we did (sex over a year ago) things became very intense and confusing. I love him, it doesn’t seem to go away regardless of how I try to forget him. We only talk a few times a week over the phone in the early a.m. hours. He tells me over and over again how very much he misses and loves me. What I need to know is...

We don’t talk about our marriages. We talk about work, friends, our children, old times (high school days). We talk about "what if’s" and "could have beens". What exactly could a man be getting out of this? Could he be bored or is he getting some kind of ego boost out of our early morning conversations? Can a man really love two women? Is he confused? I feel as if he doesn’t love me enough to be with me but he doesn’t love his wife enough to leave me alone. Can someone give an opinion? I welcome even harsh truthful opinions.
written by Turn off your Lights no One i, 22 February, 2008
First of all this is my point of view and I am a man and was involved with other women for many years.
My wife put up with my crap for over 4 years and that was 18 years ago. We just had our 40th and we are happy. Just a little background on me to let you know that I can speak on the subject and give some sage opinion to your post.
Dear Ms. Needs a Man point of View,
The man you speak to in the early morning hours is not in love with two women, he may or may not love his wife but that’s NOT the issue. The issue is why would you even consider talking to a married man in this fashion when you know he is taken. He does not appear to be a good catch any way if he is talking to you. What is he getting out of this? His ego is building and eventually he take the step to continue his adulterous relationship with or without you. He is lacking balls at this time but he will, with your help, become just as I was...he’ll baby steps and then he’ll take the leap. Keep this in mind..he is calculating and knows what he is doing to your. Is he confused? Hell NO. He is not confused..he is setting you up into a long term relationship that will lead absolutely NOWHERE. He will lie to you at every turn. He will say things like: I don’t love my wife, we aren’t getting along, we don’t sleep in the same bed, I can’t wait till the kids are grown and out of high school, if I leave her she’ll take me to the cleaners, etc, etc, etc, These are all lies. He holds the deck of cards and is giving you a losing hand. He has dealt himself a Royal Flush and is giving you three Aces. This will lead you to believe that you have a very good hand but the reality is, you don’t. He will always up the price to play by stringing you along with a little lie here and a little lie there...these are all bluffs. Guess what? You’ll stay in the game because you know that you can win but NOT really since he has the winning hand. I do feel sorry for you...because after I read your letter you’ll stick with his game....and you won’t even call his bluff...you’ll just keep putting in your chips (that means: feeling, hopes, dreams, love, heart and even your soul). YOU WILL LOSE.
OPINION:
Tell the jerk not to call you again. Don’t waste your time and effort. Mark my words he’ll stop calling but you have to mean what you tell him. He knows you are weak and that’s what he is counting on.

written by Sad lady, 22 February, 2008
Re: Need a man’s point of view.....I can certainly understand how you feel, I too have the very same questions you have. Our situations sound almost the same. Same MO’s. But as for me and my sanity, I cannot continue being in limbo with this man. I haven’t heard from him in almost a month so maybe it is over for him as well. Meanwhile, I am trying to forget about him, not easy at all. smilies/cry.gif
written by JUST A OPINION, 22 February, 2008
MY FATHER HAD A LOT OF AFFAIRS AND AT MY DAD’S FUNERAL I MET A SISTER I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD. SHE TOLD ME THAT HER MOTHER WAS ALWAYS "AVAILABLE" TO MY DAD, EVEN THOUGH MY DAD AND HER LIVED IN A DIFFERENT STATES. WHEN MY OWN HUSBAND HAD AN AFFAIR I ASKED HIM WHY? HE TOLD ME THE SAME THING, SHE WAS "AVAILABLE". PEOPLE WHO HAVE AFFAIRS ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES OR BLAME OTHER PEOPLE FOR THEIR OWN ACTION/SHORTCOMINGS... DON’T BE AVAILABLE.
written by amI2timed, 24 February, 2008
I became involved with MM (myself unhappily married 35 years)about 2 years ago. He showered me with attention, sweet talk, a special gift to remember in case it all fell through. For the first year it was wonderful and I was thoroughly happy and so was he. I KNEW it. We got caught and decided we could not ever be apart and were tired of the lying and were going to move in together to eventually get married. He even left home.
But I felt such remorse for hurting his wife (she was older)and I just felt it was so WRONG. I thought maybe I could get my husband to somehow show me the love I found with this other man. So I told him I couldn’t do it. Within a week he went back home, but still wanted to see me as much as he could...he loved me so much, he was grateful for any time he could have with me. A month later he left again and asked me what I was going to do. He had given all the property to his wife and we had nothing even to get started on. I shared a business with my husband and had no outside income nor savings. I began to think of all the pain of a divorce from my husband and the dividing up of things...my husband made me feel like everyone would blame me. I clearly hesitated.
My MM may have given up. In my meantime he went to a bar and then is when I suspected he met someone, quite innocently perhaps at first, just to have fun with. He drives a truck and there were indications he took her on several long trips. Then I found some receipts for meals, regularly smelled perfume on him, less calling, wouldn’t answer the phone at times, impatience, Levitra in his truck, lying about whereabouts...all the while still spending a lot of time with me in glorious activities... eating out, flying, afternoons together.
I felt like he decided to break it off with the other woman because he went back home and that maybe was a good excuse to tell her, but I think he still saw her for 2 more months. He said his wife asked him if he planned to quit seeing me and he said NO and then he left again, asking me again what I was going to do and when I could be with him...this time I said I would and went to a job interview. He asked me to tell my husband I was leaving with him...that it was hard, but we had to go through it. BUT then 2 days later said maybe he wouldn’t be leaving because of his daughter (54 years old) and grandchildren (in their twenties). So he would cry when we talked about what he was going to do, saying he didn’t want to leave me and that he was torn. I felt like for the next 2 months he gave up the other girl he was seeing and we had 2 great months of love and caring.
But we had some serious conversations about whether he could be with me permanently and he was just so torn. I think the pressure of financial, social and moral implications was more than he could do.
I knew the day he started up with the other woman yet again maybe after he decided that he did not want to be with me.
I confronted him many times about this other woman, but he vehemently denies it. Sometimes I wonder if I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. He is so wonderful to me otherwise that he makes up for things and I certainly do enjoy my time with him. But I still see that it could have been so much more, if I hadn’t had this backdrop of his seeing someone else. Why is he doing this to me? I couldn’t do it to him! He has gone home now for the THIRD time but still wants to see me, but I feel he is still balancing time between me and this other woman (not his wife). I have thoughts of telling him it’s over...but I have no real proof he is seeing someone else. And then I wonder what my life will be like after that. At least now I do have someone to have some fun and feelings of love for. I think the other woman knows about me and I worry if he tells her I am just a bother, that he really loves her.
You will all say I am a fool to be bothering with him, but my life has been so happy and fun-filled with him, despite my suspicions. I just feel that I made a horrible decision for hesitating to be with this man when he wanted me and it hurt him so much that he felt I didn’t really love him or I would have committed to him right away.
My husband involves himself in his work and our only interaction is in our business. His attention has never been on me, hence my attraction to this man. I have tried to make things better with my husband but he just does not respond with appreciation and gratitude that I crave.
I keep hanging on to the MM in hopes that he is just sowing his wild oats because he couldn’t have the ONE he WANTED and that eventually he will leave her off and be committed to me. I have thought so many times in the past year of this, that he was going to finally be true to me, but after it appeared he went back with her these last 3 months, I am so scared I have lost him. ...but he still wants to see me.
Does anyone understand?
written by viviana, 26 February, 2008
I was involved with a MM who stated he was just as unhappy as I was in my marriage, but he said it would just take time, because he had so much to loose. Three days before he completely cut off communication with me, he told me how much he loved me, then I never got a call back. Realizing I had been used was harder than loosing him, because the man I loved did not exist. Now I wished I had called his wife, but she probably knows that he cheats on her, and is willing to put up with it because of their attachment. He used to tell me that he had never cheated on her before, but I never believed him, but also never told him that, because "his word was his bond." The red flags were there all the time, the only thing I miss is that I did not have a chance to tell him what a loser I think he really is, but I will move on with my life, and he is stuck in his.
written by karter, 10 March, 2008
Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don’t leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don’t leave.
written by zmailer, 11 March, 2008
I met my wife when I was 21. After 12 weeks of dating we married. A year later we had a child. We then had 16 years of happiness and a wonderful life together. I never cheated on her- though many times fantasized about other women- I had never had any serious relationships prior to my wife. Out of the blue, around the time of my son`s 16th birthday- my wife became pregnant. It was unplanned but we were both happy. She lost the child and became very unhappy. She and I tried to conceive again but to no avail. Her desperation to become pregnant again made life difficult- and she made a lot of demands on me sexually- I have never had a strong sex drive, and eventually found I could not get aroused anymore. Then, I met someone else. She too was married. We had a 3 month affair and promised each other from the outset that it would never go anywhere. But we fell in love with each other. I slept with my wife just one time whilst having my affair- and my wife conceived. I told my girlfriend what had happened and that we would have to end the affair. She was devastated and angry. She told me she would leave her husband to be with me and begged me to do the same to my now pregnant wife. But I couldn’t go through with this, although I did love her deeply. After 3 agonizing months of ducking and diving, and continuing my affair- I confessed the whole thing to my wife. At this point my wife informed me that she too had an affair 5 years ago which went on for 6 months. This amazed me. My wife also said that she had ended the affair as she realized that I was the true love of her life and that I should do the same. I tried to end my affair but I just couldn’t do it. In the end, my girlfriend said that I had to make a decision. Spurred on by the fact that my wife had been unfaithful, but burdened by the guilt of leaving her pregnant, I spent a further 2 moths in despair and one day, I left my wife to be with my lover. At this point she left her husband and we set up home together. My wife is devastated and wants me back. I love my new partner but the thought of my wife bringing up a young baby on her own makes me very sad. Every day I see her face when I close my eyes and it makes me want to cry. Yet at the same time I really do love my new life. We have been living together for 12 months and the guilt and sadness will not go away. If I leave my new love, I would be so unhappy. I think my wife would have me back. If I dont end my relationship my wife says I will never see the child- she also will destroy me financially and has threatened that she will make my life hell- but this is anger talking- she is not a bad person, just a very hurt one. I feel sometimes I may kill myself. Day to day, life with my new love is good. However, she is very jealous of any other women that speak to me, accuses me of eying up other women (which I don’t do)- and is very scared I may go back to my wife. I don’t know what to do. I love this woman. But if I really loved her- why am I so crushed by the thought of my wife being so alone and unhappy without me to look after her?? Any thoughts welcome- I really do not know what to do.
written by Been There, Done That, Came Ba, 11 March, 2008
Zmailer,
I have been where you are. My wife showed me your post this morning (6:00 a.m.) as I was getting ready for work. I do have a lot to tell you about this mixed-up world you’re in but it can’t happen on this post because it would be a book. If the site moderator provides me with your email or phone I’ll make contact with you.
written by tz, 11 March, 2008
z-mailer Was your wife unfaithful? I went back to my husband after being divorced three years. We share a 10 year old together. Through my time alone, I found that we drove each other a little crazy over an 8 year marriage, but I couldn’t find anyone who loved me so much emotionally. I love him to for his respect, honesty, and love. These kids need both parents. "Its hard not to have a daddy like all of the other kids." It is never to late to do what makes you feel the best. It has been a month w/my ex at home, but I love the companionship and watching my two girls together. By the way he had financially supported my 17 year old girl since she was four. Now that is also a good man. Don’t get me wrong, we have our share of conflicts, but jealousy is no good either. Been there with other men. Take Care
written by zmailer, 12 March, 2008
To Been There Done That. I am happy for the moderator to do that
written by kmngl, 15 March, 2008
I agree with what everyone is saying about how married men lie. Mine is one of them. If they ‘never leave their wives’... then how come my husband is moving in with the other woman. He is leaving 4 children (under 12) and 18 yrs of marriage to be with someone he has known 7 months. He has been with prostitutes while with her. Our 12 daughter is not speaking to him and he thinks he will have to give me 50% of his super. Well, actually it is 65%. Our house is for sale. So he is willing to give up everything to be with her. Everyone thinks he is insane/lost the plot/off this planet/delusional. And in his fantasy world the kids are going to live with him. Any ideas???
written by getting it together, 17 March, 2008
To Kmngl,
Your husband has a addiction. I think it would help if you learn all you can about "addiction" and what you needed to do for you and your family.
written by Alison D, 18 March, 2008
I met David 20 years ago and we lived together in the late 80s -early 90’s. We were going to get married, but he had been very badly burnt with his 1st wife(had 2 children) and he thought I would do the same as she had, so he ran and I moved up North. Between 1999-2002 I was living with another man and we didn’t see/speak to each other. In 2003, I split from this man and moved back down south with my job and rang David up out of the blue. We met up and started seeing each other again but on a more boyfriend/girlfiend basis. This was ok until I suddenly thought I want more, he can’t give me more and I stopped seeing him. 2 months later he rang me and said he was married and had to tell me that he had been since 2003 (we started seeing each other 4 weeks after his wedding day) he said he would go to a solicitor (which he did) to get divorced as he only married her as he had been told I was happy with someone else. This was 1 year 2 months and he hasn’t left due to financial worries? He cares for her, but can’t leave his security.
So, I said, "her or me" and he cried and said he just couldn’t. This was a month ago and we have spoken a few times and he said he thinks about me all the time and he is just following his routine but he is so miserable. I am distraught and just can’t see my way through this. What do you all think? My sister says don’t ring him, he will realize that he can’t live without you as he hasn’t had to.
written by mixed emotions, 18 March, 2008
I too have been dating a MM for a 19 months. We work closely together and have high profile jobs. He has 2 kids and so do I. I did get a divorce because I fell out of love with my husband and we had issues. We had these issues way before my MM and I met. He also was going through some marital problems. When we saw each other my heart would just pound out of my chest. We have gone on day trips together, and have had some wonderful adventures. He started to pull away from me about 7 months into our relationship. So I did too. I was very hurt and I needed some space. But yet we always find our way back. We didn’t want to hurt anyone. Yet we fell in love. He said he has come alive since I have been in his life and he didn’t know that love could feel like this. We reconciled around Christmas and I told him that he was my New Years Resolution. I would not get intimate or emotionally involved with him again. That lasted 1 week. He is now planning to take a 5 day vacation out of town with me. This is to see how it would be like to be just us in the open. We are so similar. He too says that we would have been married and had many kids, if things were different. We both have expressed concern that even though the trip will be wonderful, the sadness when we come home will be unbearable. I think we both need to find out. I hope this will be a defining trip and we draw some kind of conclusion to our life together. The obstacles that lie in our path is his finances ( they have too much money and assets), 17 years and a very very jealous Greek wife. Not to mention the thought of being shunned by the Greek community.I sometimes ask myself will we be the 1% of couples that make it? Insight anyone?
written by Some Insight, 19 March, 2008
Mixed emotion... I think you already answered your own question, by saying you are weak and cannot stay away from him. When people love each other there’s no "obstacles" used as excuses. It sounds to me, that he’s also weak and uses his wife’s jealousy or his Greek status as a excuse to justify his behavior. Both your behavior is hurtful, my insight would be to examine yourself and find out why you would want this in your life in hopes of that 1%.
written by hurt wife, 22 March, 2008
Women who date married men please stop. I am the wive who has been hurt by her cheating husband and I don’t know what to do? I have been with my husband for 10 years of my life. My husband had an affair about four years ago. He really hurt me it destroyed me completely. I thought I could give him a chance because of my two young kids. He said he made a mistake and to give him another chance. So I did.
I wasn’t able to fully trust him again
Not to long ago I found out that he had another affair for the second time. I am just so hurt. We have been having problems, but why again? He says, he still loves me. How is that possible? I just don’t get it. I am really confused and like previously said it so hard to let go? If anybody can give and type of advice I will appreciate it.
written by withaRandyAss, 22 March, 2008
I was the other woman and the MM in my life liked to toy with me. I don’t know why I put up with it for two damn years. And each time we broke up, it was because of an obsession with some other new woman. He thinks he’s so damn cute, it makes me puke. He left me with a severe bladder condition from his being oversexed. He phoned me up the other day because he felt obligated. He can go to hell. The wife can have him. She always has.
written by Fooledme, 26 March, 2008
Ok I’m in with the rest of us foolish women four years with a man. Did not know he was married. Unbelievable, even my family was shocked. Though hindsight is 20/20 there were red flags all along but we even started a business, planned on buying a home to raise kids... What was he thinking. I discovered an unhappily married, sick,incredibly religious wife (not ex) when I went to pick up some business items at his apt. Don’t know, don’t really care what they have decided to do the next day he completely cut contact but I need to get him off the business which he has now abandoned. Can’t seem to get him to sign off first asked for a month now I guess they have a no-contact agreement. Why wouldn’t he just want to get rid of the business issue if he is trying to make a go with his wife. Makes no sense and I’m not calling rule any suggestions! smilies/cry.gif
written by organizedchaos, 31 March, 2008
I too am a member of this club of "other women." My story begins with being on a dating site. After many meetings with many single men, I met this man who just happened to be living with someone. He’s been with this woman for about 18 years. I knew this from the start but couldn’t get over how we seemed to click mentally and spiritually. He and I share so very many things in common that it’s just uncanny.
He and this woman never did actually walk down the aisle and get married although I guess you could call their relationship a common law marriage since they’ve been together for so long. They have no children. She is 12 years older than him and he’s in his forties. He started looking elsewhere because she was unable at the time to have sex with him. The months turned into years and being that he’s only human, he lost interest in her and grew tired of waiting and satisfying himself for so long.
That’s how he ended up on the dating site. We’ve been seeing each other since Sept. of 2006 and I’ve never in my life experienced the joy that he brings to me. He has also mentioned this to me as well. Still to this day, him and her hardly ever have sexual contact. And whenever she wants to have sex with him, he has a hard time getting aroused if at all. He says that he no longer desires her. He has even told her this. At least that’s what he tells me. They hardly ever spend any time together and on the days that they do, ( normally Sundays and maybe on occasion a Saturday ) he says he feels trapped. Even when he’s stuck at home with her, he always makes it a point to find an excuse to get out of the house for a short period of time to call me and see how I am. She knows about me and yet she still stays with him. Of course once she found out, she begged him not to sleep with anyone else and to stop seeing me. So now, he’s still seeing me but she thinks it’s over.
This man calls me up to 5 times a day and our conversations can last up to 3 hours sometimes off and on. Thank goodness we have the same cellphone carrier. He makes every effort to see me as often as possible. Sometimes daily. I’m sure that there is an underlying reason why he stays with her. And most times I think to myself that it would be extremely hard for me to ever trust him if he and i did ever get together as a couple since he’s cheating with me on her. He says he loves me and shows it in many ways but I know that he’s never going to leave her. He’s comfortable. He’s been with her a long time. Even though there is no passion between them, they must have a bond. A bond that is strong enough to keep them together. My heart aches daily for him. I’m so confused. I know he’s having his cake and eat it too. I know I’m being used. I know that I’m probably nothing more than his personal sex toy but I just can’t seem to bear breaking it off with him. I’m not even going to lie... I don’t wanna break it off with him. I’m just so tired of being alone. I yearn to be in a relationship with a man whom I can see whenever I want. I need someone in my life that will put me as his priority. I only wish that I would have met him before he met her. He and I are one year apart in age and relate to each other on so many different levels. He doesn’t have that with her. She listens to country music and he hates it. She’s an extreme atheist and he’s spiritual. They don’t even enjoy watching movies together because they have such different tastes as far as action, drama, comedy etc.... What they do have is high intellectualism. They are both extremely intelligent individuals. Very high IQs. But that’s it. I guess it’s like they say, opposites attract I suppose.
When I’m with him, I’m so happy but when I’m away from him, I’m extremely sad and feeling empty inside. Incomplete. I wish there was an easy answer on what to do about this situation. :-

written by tz, 31 March, 2008
organized chaos. You are fooling yourself. Call her and talk w/her like I did. He is probably lying to you. They are not dumb. He knows the right things to say to you. Call her and 50% of what he is telling you is probably not true. If it is so bad he would get out.
written by Dissolutioned, 01 April, 2008
:-I think if a man is having an affair even if it is an emotional one with another women, other than his wife...it means that there is something missing in his marriage... I strongly believe that 90 percent of men that marry do not marry women that they are in love with.. remember ladies.. men settle for whatever is around.. They don’t divorce if things aren’t too bad, they stick it out.. and find some girl to play around with.. remember they do not want to lose their homes and pension plans and there style of living... Men are dogs... stay away from those married guy... you’re wasting time. You can find someone who you can love and loves you back and start a life together..
written by Confused and angry, 01 April, 2008
smilies/angry.gif I have been talking to MM for over a year I am also a MW... We knew each other 23 years ago and because I was married I never cheated on my husband... my marriage wasn’t that great then nor now.. I looked Mr. MM up on the internet and there he was.. I contacted him and we have been corresponding and talking on the phone... He doesn’t want to meet me for the fear of an affair... he was caught by his wife with the Emails and he still wanted me to talk and write to him.. We can’t stop talking to each other.. and I ache for him... he said he has feelings for me but what kind of feelings.. also that he loves his wife, but its not the love you would have when your in the 20’s he said. I don’t know anything anymore, he won’t show me pictures of his family, I showed him mine... I think he is embarrassed... then he said that he ruined his life by marrying this lady.. I told him that I have ruined mine too. I don’t know what to make of it.. really I don’t.
written by organizedchaos, 02 April, 2008
tz,

I hate to admit it but I know what you’re saying is most likely true. I realize that I’m only getting one side of the story. And even though he has given me her cellphone number in the past as a precautionary measure should she ever acquire my number, I don’t think it would do any of us any good to have a confrontation with her. For one, I don’t feel it’s my place to be calling her to find out if he is indeed lying to me as he is to her. That would be rather silly on my part. It’s also rather silly of me to expect him to even be telling me the truth being the situation we’re involved in don’t ya think? The bad thing is that I allowed my feelings to grow. I often wish that things were as they were in the beginning. There was a time that I could’ve cared less if I’d ever spoken to or even seen him ever again. I sometimes wish things were like that again. And boy lemme tell ya.....
He pursued me big time! Not only before we were intimate but several times afterward also. It was as though he were obsessed with me. So many phone calls, flowers, cards, surprise visits to my job, you name it – he did it. And he’s still like that to this day. Just keeping me hooked. And I’m so weak because I’m lonesome and starved for the attention. He makes me feel as though I’m above all others. A goddess-like creature. It’s amazing how weak my mind is when my heart is in charge. He’s making arrangements to spend a few days and nights with me next week since we never have an abundance of time together. There was only one other time like that and that was 2 Christmas’ ago when she’d gone out of town to visit her family. He and I spent 5 glorious days and nights together. I’ll never forget them.
So as you can see, I’m truly a mess. I’m hoping that one day I will find the strength to tell him that I can’t keep on going on like this. One day being able to tell him that if he’s truly not happy with her that he needs to leave her and get out on his own for awhile. And once he does that, then perhaps he and I can try to build a life together. I know I need to do this but it’s just so hard. Thank you for your response tz.
written by tz, 03 April, 2008
I have been there, but when I called his wife, he never contacted me again. Why buy the chicken if you get the eggs for free? Good s--, come and go as you please. You know what I mean. My MM did all those things too. Met my family,came to my job, bought my kids and I gifts. Promises Promises. I am just trying to save you time and hurt. Our low self esteems get us in these positions. We need to love ourselves although it is hard for me to do that.
written by Mixed Emotions, 03 April, 2008
Dear organized chaos, I understand completely where you are coming from. I have decided that I am going away with my MM for 5 days regardless of whether it is will be good or bad for me. I am doing this because this will prove once and for all that we have exhausted all possibilities and that if he really wants to be with me he will have to ask for the divorce. If he doesn’t I am moving on and dating others and maybe I will keep him on the side. It is time for me to empower myself. I just got out of my marriage and I am taking that time for myself. I refuse to put my life on hold for another man. If your MM truly feels you are so wonderful and tries to woo you every chance he gets then it is time to give him the ultimatum. The fear of loneliness is not worth the fear of the unknown of happiness with someone you claim to love. smilies/cry.gif
written by amcmillan0006, 04 April, 2008
I am in the same boat as all of you and so confused and hurt I don’t know what to do or how to break away from this MM that is killing me slowly. Its true he is as an addiction that I cant control. Someone please help me break free from this man...
written by Need a man’s point of view, 04 April, 2008
I asked for advice well over a month ago. I want to thank the man who wrote. I know everyone who posts here doesn’t really need to be told what he or she needs to do, we already know the answers.

I have stopped talking to my M/M. And for all of you who are afraid to stop contact, that he’ll never call again... don’t be! Chances are these men will continue to hound and harass you for a long time. While they cry and bawl over the phone about their love for you, a light will come on. You’ll hear them for what they truly are. Very lost, lonely, sad souls. Souls very unlikely to ever experience anything real in any relationship. Not unless they get to an age or a place in their life where they want different for themselves. Don’t think you’ll be able to help them with this, like everyone, it’s a lesson they’ll have to learn for themselves.

My Grandmother use to say, "You are the company you keep." My lesson has been a hard one. I can never expect more for myself unless I become more. A cheater only deserves a cheater. Liars hang with liars. I became everything I hated most about him. How can you expect happiness, when it comes at someone else’s cost? Believe me, you can walk away much easier than the wife can.

Expect more for and from yourselves, and you’ll attract the same caliber of person. Good luck!
written by Dear Hurt Wife, 04 April, 2008
I have 5 sisters. Two have been cheated on by their husbands. Almost certainly, husbands always come back! You won’t be hurting forever. The wheel always turns, who’s on top today will take a turn on the bottom. When the day comes for your top and your husbands bottom, the only predicament you’ll be in, is deciding if you really even want him anymore!

Your in a bad place right now. Believe me when I tell you, you won’t be there forever. Time brings light to all things. Just take a day at a time, only think on how your life can work without him. Before you know, you’ve gotten on with living, and it won’t be so bad without him.

Surround yourself with people who love you. Friends and family who will support you. Talk to them about your situation. I know ten years is a long time, but if you put it behind you, it’ll only seem like a small moment in a long lifetime!
written by organizedchaos, 13 April, 2008
tz,

I appreciate your support in trying to spare me the awful heartache that always seems to rear it’s ugly head in these situations sooner or later... even during as I now am already experiencing. I have to admit that he has never once promised me anything to the affect of one day having a life with me. I have noticed though that when times do arise where it seems that I am withdrawing or stepping back / away from the relationship, he is always quick to express his undying love for me and one time he even went as far as to say that he didn’t know how much longer he could " do this ". When I asked him exactly what he meant by " do this, " he said that he wasn’t sure how long he could continue living with her. He was extremely hesitant when telling me this information but he did nonetheless.
I agree with you about our self esteem. Mine is at an all time low right now and I’m not really loving myself either which would explain why I seem to have really let myself go. I haven’t been taking good care of myself as a result. I don’t know what to tell you except that he really has a hold on me. I’m like a kept woman. I think about him often and wish and fantasize. It’s almost as if I have no life without him. It’s sad, I know but it’s the truth. All I do is work, come home and wait for his call. My life seems to be on hold and revolving around him. I don’t know why but it just is. I’m in a constant state of anxiety as well. That is until he comes around. Sometimes I shake my head in disbelief of how I’m letting him do this to me but it’s like a drug and I am hopelessly addicted. A junkie.....

Mixed Emotions,

I had my 2 days and nights with him the beginning of this week and I absolutely love being in his presence. It was nice to be able to not have to worry about time for a change. Being able to take our time together and sleep together was sweet to say the least. We even went to a movie. ( something we never get to do)
I do have to admit one thing though. Sadly I’m beginning to realize that he and I more than likely can never be together as a couple. I mean sure, we have many commonalities between us. Our love for music, good conversation, and our intimacy far exceeds any that I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I never knew of a passion so intense. So deep. So loving and lovely. But after that, there’s nothing. He’s white collar. I’m blue collar. He’s book smart. I’m street smart. He’s disorganized and forgetful, misplacing his things on a daily basis. I’m more organized with the memory of an elephant. All we really share is sex. That is our main strongest focal point. (and conversation on the phone) I just don’t think we’d make it as a couple. I wish we could but it doesn’t look promising. Now, the only thing left for me to do is to accept that.
I too have been looking to find someone else. Someone single. I just don’t know if I can let him go though. I would miss him so. Whenever he thinks he’s losing me he turns on the tears. And I, of course, fall for it every time. I can’t believe I’m in love with a married man. What in the hell is wrong with me???? smilies/cry.gif
written by Lied to, 19 April, 2008
Our love was unique. We were the only two people in the world who could feel such wonderful passion and agreed on just about everything.
I am a 60 MW who met a MM seven months ago on the internet. He is a writer and being I am an editor it was friendship at first sight. We both enjoyed speaking highly of our spouses and families. No open door for ecstasy was placed in order; until we found out through some serious conversations our marriages both 44 held little interest and his wife was impossible. (NEVER BELIEVE THAT UNLESS YOU ARE A FLY ON A WALL TAKING NOTES)
I helped him edit his new book. Eventually his book was published. After seven weeks we went our way and back to my stale, dried up marriage. I have never cheated on my husband and always held our marriage vows as sacred. My husband is a dear man who ended up terribly hurt by discovering one of our e-mails. It all happened when I finished editing his second book; we both agreed upon and discovered there was more than an attraction. For the first time I felt young and beautiful again. No, he was not a smooth talker. Just the opposite. Say an ordinary guy. There was something about his kindness and sweetness that caused my heart to pump harder and my palms were moist and he provided an ingredient which was missing for years. Intimacy. He was so dear and wonderful and we fell hopelessly in love.
My husband has a serious lung disease and only has a year to live. I promised myself I would remain by his side and care for him faithfully. Instead of emailing my MM, I focused on my husband’s well being. Eventually he stopped emailing me. He promised to divorce his wife and marry me. In time he came around to expressing he had children who did not ask to be born and he could never leave them. They came late in life and it would destroy them.
It was so hurtful and instead of keeping a journal of his lies, I just smiled (DUH!!!) and pretended they did not exist.
My lawyer is a dear friend and sensed something was amiss. All I did was talk about him and didn’t realize how obsessed my conversation had ruled. He paid one of his workers to e-mail my MM and write wonderful words filled with praise. Little did I realize he was being taken in by one of the secretaries who had a way with words and eventually had him so interested he barely sent me one email a week. Two weeks later I received a transcript in the mail. The note read, "Please forgive me but you had to know."
I was shocked. The man I was in love with who loved me was telling another woman he was alone and miserable and how it had been a long time since he had another woman understand him so perfectly. I WAS PISSED. smilies/angry.gif
The secretary’s job was complete and she discontinued writing him.
I was beside myself with sadness. HE LIED TO ME!! WHAT A JERK I WAS!!!
Somehow it is summed up to LIFE HAPPENS. We make choices. When my libido rules my common sense I know trouble will brew. I think of him often, but mostly I consider how easily he breezed in and out of relationships.
I hear so much pain and understand. The one ingredient we all need is to be loved and desired. Funny thing, my husband was always loving and kind and had all the delightful traits my MM had. But he was nicer.
written by grateful2love, 19 April, 2008
Well, I hung on to my MM of 2 years, despite constant indications of his seeing someone else other than me and his wife (!) I have begged him if there was someone else that he please just tell me, that I didn’t want to be there if he didn’t want me. But he still insists he loves me and there is no one else... and treats me with such tenderness and love that I have never known before. So I stay. He is in the hospital for surgery now and calls me about 10 times a day but I still feel there is someone else he is calling also. I have gotten caught by his wife trying to visit him at the hospital during this time. But she still thinks it is ONLY ME he is seeing. She is threatening a restraining order against ME when he gets out, and he doesn’t have to sign it, because she has been seeing an "alzheimer lawyer" as she puts it and they are going to document him as demented, with my taking advantage of him in his "unreasoning condition". She feels his changed behavior, his apparent lack of concern for his family, doing things out of character, his love for me as a lack of inhibitions... all bull crap!!! He is sane as any of us are! My MM still insists he wants to see me... I don’t know what sort of other situation he has gotten himself into or whether he is just a philanderer that must have many women interested in him or what. At any rate, I am also MW and my husband and I still live together, although just seeing each other 2 hours in the evening when he comes home for dinner. Then he leaves to take care of his ailing father. He knows about my love for MM and says he accepts it but doesn’t have any need for a divorce since he is not interested in marrying anybody. So I live my life, hoping to see my MM when I can, being untrustworthy myself, having doubts about my MM trueness to me, but still experiencing the best love and concern I have ever felt from any human being... and living and working my husband’s business as I have all my life. Unable to make a move one way or the other. My MM cries about his grandkids, his excuse for not marrying me... although at one time a year ago, he was ready, but I could not do it because of hurting his wife. I still do not regret the times we have had. I will always cherish wonderful memories. It just seems that ultimatums are going to force me to back down. He says "ride it out... still cannot leave me... not now." In a way, I see I cannot live a full life this way... cannot build on a lasting relationship with only fragments of time together. Cannot invest in being happy with someone for a lifetime. But I have had the most wonderful 2 years of my life. I wouldn’t have had this if I hadn’t taken that chance. If I died tomorrow, I will have known the love and caring I have wanted to experience all my life. Yes, he has given that to me and persisted (and still is) in giving me that. If I walk away, I am left to myself, never to experience any of that again. I could never love anyone after having loved this man. No one could ever hold a candle. I guess it is just that ONE LOVE of my life. And I am GRATEFUL that I have lived to have it.
written by To amcmillan0006, 19 April, 2008
It is so easy to find ourselves addicted because in the beginning the love is pure and delicious. Women should recognize some men are truly little boys who want to be mothered. Others may resent that statement.
Not all men are helpless beings, rather responsible husbands who know how to keep their priorities in order.
But... when we fall hopelessly in love and it FEELS so damn wonderful the hell with life and anyone who might end up getting hurt in the end.
Are you ready for this? I know my husband’s time is limited. I was willing to move to Europe to be close to this MM.
My children and lawyer thought I lost my mind. That’s what happens when we do become ADDICTED AND I WAS BLIND.
No, I shall not be moving to England and what was I thinking?
Best of luck. It is a horrid sense of loss. I still believe I love my MM because he showed me a side of himself I never knew before.
It still hurts so much and do know we have been there and understand.
Best wishes,
Lied to

written by Molly Francis, 19 April, 2008
I am married for 12 years, he is married for 16 years. We’ve been together 5 years. He says he can’t do that to his kids, break up their home. They are so happy. He says he doesn’t want to hurt his wife’s feelings. Reading all of these blogs makes me realize that my 5 years will turn into 10 years or 20. I don’t want that. Living a double life means living with a heavy heart every day. Reading these make me stronger... and makes me realize, if he loves me the way he says he does, and wants to live his life with me, then he would. He has talked to a lawyer. He talked to his dad about me. And still, he is with his wife. We have been planning the "exit" for over a year. He sometimes says he just wants to get caught. I told him NO. If he wants me, be a man, and do the right thing. He’s already been lying for years, just like I have. I offered to leave my home first, he said no, he wants too... And I would never tell his wife, cause then I would have him... but that is not how I want to get him. I want him because he wants me. I am worth that. I am also worth not living with his lip service anymore. I do think he loves me, but he won’t break up his home. Problem is, I am and have been at the point with my husband, that I don’t even want him to touch me. I like my husband a lot. He is a great dad. And we are good friends. We do a great job raising our kids. But, we are not lovers. And I miss that so much. But even if I moved five states away from the man I’ve had an affair with, I still would not have the urge for my husband. Is this what life is really about? Is this what marriages have come to? And I feel like another lady that wrote a blog... what in the hell is wrong with me? My parents raised me better than this! It would help if I didn’t see this guy every day at work. It makes it so hard for me. Of course when I tell him I’m done with this, he gets so sad, and wants me. I am holding out though, and getting stronger every day. I am sure he’ll never leave his wife for me... and his wife is mean, and no one likes her... so I know why he doesn’t either. She has always been mean, even before all of this. Oh well. I need to be strong. Someone mentioned the word Addictive... I couldn’t agree more. I can’t imagine my life without him. I want him in my life. But I am tired of the double life. And then I think, how would I do this to my kids? They love their daddy! Shame shame shame on me.
written by To Molly Frances, 20 April, 2008
You are a good person because you care. We go though this scenario. I cannot live without him because he provides me with intimacy; something lacking in my marriage of 44 years. My husband is a good man. But we’re both in our 60’s and there are few surprises in our life anymore.
Somehow it is called the second awakening where my MM made me feel alive and loved, despite all the lies, even when he also refused to leave his family I became addicted to his charming English accent. We spoke often on the phone when my husband was elsewhere. His voice and sweet loving way had me hooked for months. We always agreed how much we were in love and how long we both waited to find one another. Both in our 60’s and married for over 40 years he would go on about his wife not understanding. Yet, he would tell me their passion was wonderful. OH THANK SO MUCH. That’s just what I wanted to hear. What the hell is wrong with me? I felt like a schoolgirl and my brain became unwired. NO. Love and attachment is a strong ingredient to dislodge in our emotions.
Women are loving, and nurturers. It’s natural to want to be there him, NO MATTER WHO GETS HURT; it just feels so Damn wonderful. So how do I disassociate my emotions with this man I long with all my heart?
Why can’t I think more like a man and be more pragmatic?
Crap, I love him so much and I hate him so much.
Someone mentioned something interesting. Get rid of the jerk and start loving yourself. Free myself of him is so hard even though I am not a stupid woman my heart is dying for him. Can someone tell me. Is it because we want to mother them? Was I lacking that much stimulation in my marriage that when he came along WOW ~ it was awesome? I feel so foolish and yet I LONG for him.
HELP.
Lied to
written by grateful2love, 20 April, 2008
I think we all do what we need to do in order to absolve the pain that we feel inside. The truth of the matter is... life is hard... get a helmet. We all enter that first grand relationship that got us married with the highest of hopes but past experiences and circumstances always bring problems. Safe to say each of us in a relationship wanted happiness and thought it could be ours. But it isn’t easy. And then when ONE or both, because of raising, etc, CANNOT be what the other one truly NEEDS, then what are we to do? We often find someone else equally disillusioned and, at least for a while, find some relief from our misery and a lifting of our personal value in our own eyes. "Someone loves me. I see something wonderful in this person." But truth be known, how happy would we really be for how long with this person?... or them with us. I guess it all goes back to commitment. If we have made a commitment to someone. If who we are tied to has made a commitment to us, then if they recognize the VALUE of that commitment and that we work it out, no matter how hard... no matter what it takes, then all these aftermath problems could have been avoided. Children are kept safe, anguish of divorce is eliminated, loss of self-esteem from infidelity is avoided... society is kept at an even keel. But when ONE doesn’t reciprocate what the other expects or needs, if you stay committed to the relationship, it just will not be what you expected your life to be. And we are likely to continue to search for the fulfillment of our needs. That is why BOTH in a committed relationship need to take it seriously and give their all, because life can get a whole lot worse than... ignoring your mate, being critical of your mate, needing recognition, needing appreciation. It can disrupt families. FAMILIES. That is what is hurtful. And none of us intend to do that. But our desperation for love and to love another person as fully as we can experience will bring us to that. I listen to all these blogs and it seems highly universal. Rare is the truly happy union that lasts. I feel like I tried but I couldn’t do it without going outside my marriage to find happiness. And it has been grand with my MM, in spite of all the hurt I have caused others and the time lost with my original partner. I WOULDN’T HAVE WANTED TO MISS THIS!!! Yet I feel like it cannot continue on like this indefinitely. That is what we all mean about our MM making a choice and giving us the full life we have always longed for. A big decision for both. Because of all involved. And yet if all along the way we each had busted our asses to get it right as we went with our first commitment and made our needs known and INSISTED on our own happiness (as well as theirs) until we got the attention to the problems at hand, would our original relationships have been "good enough"? Just "good enough" for us to have stayed and worked at a life? We all need to think about that and is it too late now? Getting out of a relationship is hard. Wouldn’t trying to stay in our first committed relationship have been easier? I say this as one who has been outside my original commitment for 10 years. Do you ever get over the pain of that failure? Oh if we could only not have failed the first time. Value ourselves enough to say "I am a person with needs and if you love me, you will at least be interested in my needs and beyond that, do your damnest to see that I am happy. And I will do my damnest to do that for you." We all gave up when maybe that is all we would have had to do.
written by lied to, 22 April, 2008
You are funny and insightful. It truly boils down to unfulfilled expectations on my part. My MM is a sweet, endearing wonderful person who is an avid liar.
So either except him with all his faults or break it off. The helmet would work if I were riding on my husband’s motorcycle.
Pride rules the roost and many of the blogs are gals who just don’t know how to leave or how to go on with their lives. My MM made me feel younger and beautiful and all the trappings that happens in an affair.
THANKS, I needed that. Wow, you’re good. The addiction is waning and my need to be with him is becoming less than before.
Someone said to love yourself first. Don’t be so clingy or needy. Oh and BTW the percentage of a married man leaving his wife and family for his other is rare.
Some just don’t get it.
HE NEEDS HIS MOMMY. Or he truly still loves his wife and is playing games.
DUH!!! (the duh was meant for me. See how easy it is when we learn to like ourselves and DON’T NEED HIM. Rather we may enjoy, but the addiction must be resolved and replaced with someone who IS SINGLE and giving.
Thanks
written by SF8, 25 April, 2008
SF8 stands for Stupid for 8 years. I have been having an affair with a man for 8 years. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first lover – all the firsts in high school. We were so in love and were supposed to get married after HS, but I decided college was a better answer for me.We broke up.He contacted me in 2000 & it was like all those years collapsed. One tragedy after another has happened including my divorce & my ex contacting his wife 6 weeks after the divorce to tell her about us (on Mother’s Day at that!). Since then he has been scared to death of the wife. Well, I broke it off so many times in the last 8 yrs I can’t even count. Frustration, anger, you name it the emotions have been like a volcano inside. He & I have loved deeply and there’s no doubt with our history that it is real. The problem is I know he will never leave his wife, family, land, possessions, all that means so much more to him than I will ever mean to him. The thought of others finding out about us is a bit scary for him too. Oh yeah, his children were with their mom on Mother’s Day when my narcissistic ex called her. I gave up everything for him and he left me in the cold. I will always love him, but I know there is no future as he will never leave. If you are having an affair or are holding out for that dreamy day when he will show up at the door with divorce papers in hand, get a reality check because it won’t happen. I’ve lost more than I will ever be able to recover because of a very bad decision on my part. Be stronger than I ever was or could ever be with this man. It’s tough love to walk away – but love you enough to do it.
written by Hopeless, 29 April, 2008
I find myself in a hear wrenching situation... I have found a man that I love like no other in my life. We are both married. I have no children and will walk away without looking back. He has 3 children. One is the product of a prior marriage of his wife which he basically raised since the child was 3. The other 2 are his. One is 14 and the other is 12. Here is wear my pain is. His daughter has Special needs. She goes to school and does daily things but will never be able to live on her own or take care of herself. When he and I started out I was unaware of his daughter and immediately told myself that I needed to get out... but the connection that I feel with him just wont let me go. He told me that he was going to leave.. and that he will, but he doesn’t want to look bad to his children which I completely understand. I know this man loves me. More than anything I know he does. We have been together almost a year now and recently his wife found out about us. He told her that there was no sexual relations between us and that we were just friends that grew into something more and that yes he did tell me that he loves me and told her that he would stop seeing me. To save himself from looking like a jerk to his children who are begging him not to leave. I know I need to walk away now but I can’t... He tells me now that he is not ready to let me go and that he is still trying and that his biggest concern is his daughter. I think to myself that his biggest concern from the beginning was obviously his daughter and that he should have known that from the start. So why would he pretend to work it out with his wife so that he can later say it just didn’t work? He tells me that he doesn’t want them to think that he is leaving because of me... so.. I can understand that also. Do I give him time to "pretend" to try with his wife who hates what he does for a living etc and hope that he can leave later? Or do you think that his daughter will still be something that will hold him back? Do I wait till I can’t take it anymore? My heart feels like its been torn from my chest as it is.. thought about going to counseling but afraid that they will tell me to let go too... UGH.. Hopeless
written by Be strong, 01 May, 2008
It’s little comfort when your heart is breaking and that horrible ache just won’t go away, because he’s no longer in your life.
You gave him a choice. It’s either them or me. My MM chose them.

It’s all about History. Consider the foundation that was been established over the years. Married before family and friends, struggling for their first house, the baby, then his boys want to play football; and you see how he adores his children. Birthdays, holidays, trimming the holiday tree, visiting parents, going on summer vacations and realized this woman I married does more than I could imagine. She car pools, takes the kids to sports, makes sure her cock pot has enough gravy, feeds and cares for the dog. Picks up his laundry, making sure the white shirts are boxed, and she has two more stops.

Its called HISTORY. When a husband and wife share years together even though he’s sneaking out on her for some friendly fun; she knows that’s not her perfume. Certainly that orange shade would never do as her lipstick. The entire time his wife watches her husband become distant.
It was then I realized he was still in love with her.
The lies and excuses were becoming unworthy of an intelligent woman.

I love my MM so much. I’ve never felt this way before. I can’t live without him.
Much has been said about addiction and why this man gets under your skin.
It’s easy. YOU want him there. You want him in your home playing house and pretending to be what you possibly can never obtain with a married man.
It’s simple math. He belongs to another. And all those years add up to a foundation making him feel safe. Comfortable.
Yes, but you don’t understand. I have never felt this way before.
He’s wonderful to me and loves me.
Sure for the moment. You’re his baby doll.
written by Hopeless/Confused, 01 May, 2008
I understand... and this is horrible. He told me that next week he is going to talk to a lawyer and see what he needs to do. I know that monetarily he does not care what it will cost. I am willing to help him with whatever he needs as I work also. I am hopeful that he is going to a lawyer. He also has another job lined up making 3 times what he makes now. This job was just recently offered to him. He is not going to tell her about this job because he is going to still try to go thru with a divorce. He is going to keep in mind that if he leaves before the new job he will take care of them the best he can then when he has the new job he will be able to do better for them. I just hope that he has the courage to go thru with it from the start. He is a very strong man. He loves his kids more than anything. And does not want them to hate him. I understand that. And I told him that his kids will alway be his kids. And kids get over things like this. Again though.. because of his daughter with special needs it gets a little trickier. But with this new job he will be able to spend more time with them than he does now. I really don’t know what to think. I guess since all this just happened, maybe I should give him a little time to see if/how he can get thru it? He said that if he knows in his heart he can’t go thru with it that he would tell me. But how long do I wait? How long and when will I know? We still even after he was caught find ways to see each other. Also got him a phone on my plan so that we can still have contact. I saw him and still do see and talk to him more than his wife ever have. I know he loves and adores me. I guess its just a matter of seeing if he is really trying or if he is going to let things work out at home? UGH... maybe instead of hopeless I should call myself confused?????
written by TooAshamed, 01 May, 2008
I have been with this guy for 8 years... we met while both married to others and we both still had kids at home... we spent as much time together as time allowed... sneaking away for an hour at a time...
Long story short... we both decided to wait the five years till the kids were grown and start life together. Well five years later I divorced my husband moved out and we picked out a home together... he still two more years with his youngest...
Well his youngest become age and went to college, his daughter (an adult) still living at home going to college.... He still stayed married until I told him I was no longer dating him... that I needed a relationship were the guy would spend the night with me... and not leave for home at 7 pm every night.... so I stared dating another guy... then he calls me up and tells me he asked his wife for an divorce... they divorced two years ago... I helped him find an apartment and I paid for the furnishings to furnish it furniture and kitchen ... he never even spent one night in it... every night he would go home to his ex-wives house (he gave her the house in the divorce)....
Well last year he gave up the apartment and I have everything from the apartment... he is still living at home with the ex wife and his adult daughter...
So December 31st S slept with him for the last time, and like clock work at 7 pm he went home....
I told him in January that I will have nothing more to do with him, and that his promises mean nothing to me, and that I need to heal to move forward...

I work two jobs and have a dog... so in the evenings he lets my dog out while I am at work... he also give me 100.00 every week... I need him to let the dog out because I cant keep her locked up for 16-17 hours a day several times a week... and I really need the money to live on... so I see him almost every day....
I rarely call him on his cell phone and I have nothing more to do with him romantically or otherwise... no more hanging out together and doing things that couples usually do...
I do my thing and he does his....
When I ask on occasion how he feels about this relationship (very difficult for me) as friends he says he misses the companionship... its very hard to try to stay friends and not want the relationship part of it... and every day I feel my love slowly slipping away...
I have begged him, cried, gotten angry, broke up with him many times, and even became verbally abusive towards him in the past... I wanted him to see how much he hurt with his lies, and deception... I told him that once my dog dies I never want him around again... my dog is old 9 years and has about 3-4 years left. I would never do anything to her... but I feel trapped... I even told him I am trapped... he simply goes home every night at 7 pm and doesn’t even care he hurt me....
I have decided that God loves me because I can see very clearly now he is not the man I need to be with in my life... especially when he walks out on my emotions....
He has left me financially strapped... I bought this house for us and he knew I couldn’t afford it myself... but I figured two years wasn’t bad to wait... but now its been five years and I work two jobs...
I say get out... don’t allow him to do to you what mine did to me.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am trapped by my own doing by believing in him... now I know the only person I can truly depend on is me....
written by Hopeless/Confused, 01 May, 2008
How though? And.... now that all this just happened... I feel I should give it a little time. Its just... how do I stop torturing myself about it all day and night long. We are still just as close. We still see each other.. its a bit harder now but we find ways. He said he is going to see a lawyer next week to see where he stands. I guess I wait that out and see how he feels? The hard part is... I don’t know when to tell myself I really should keep hope.. and when to say its never going to happen. And if I say that. How do you get over a broken heart like that? Today was the first day I ate anything in a week and it was a bowl of soup that I couldn’t hold down.... My nerves are shot.... I know its just time.. time will tell if he is going to leave... I don’t want to find myself waiting years... but I also don’t want to stop fighting for him too soon...
written by Hopeless/Confused, 02 May, 2008
IF only it was that easy to get out. I still feel hopeful. Last night he told me... "I know I could never say goodbye to you, ever.. I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life and I’m gonna do everything in my power to make you my wife.. I want that, I need that" How do you walk away from a man that is you feel is still truly trying... and when do you know he has stopped trying? I need to learn how to not feel so much pain all day long when I am not around him or talking to him.... Or knowing he is with her. I know they have a rocky marriage and have for years. The problem is she doesn’t want to let him go and the kids don’t want him to go either. How does he say he is just done? And how does he say it to his kids? So they know it will be ok?
written by Lied To, 02 May, 2008
Your nerves are shot and you’re living on the edge of his constant promises.
This addiction we all have had to break from and is not easy.
He says and you want it so badly you’ll believe anything to have that peace
of mind that he does care.
Okay, there is a pattern you’re not able to see just as I was unwilling to let my MM go; but I had to. Yes there is pain and suffering.
Addictions can be helped and replaced.
I know how you feel. He is the most wonderful man and you don’t want to lose him. But, he has a wife and children. Look, all marriages aren’t made in heaven and have difficulties.
Someone pointed this out to me. If he cheats on his wife he will more than likely cheat on you. I can attest to that. It’s when you get so angry, will you be able to let him go. Then you will discover your self respect.
We’ve all been there.
written by shoveling **** against the tid, 05 May, 2008
My MM and I were both married when we met 6 years ago. I left my husband right away as I didn’t want to cheat and knew before I met the other guy that I wanted out – turned out to be quite the jerk. We did not have children. The MM told me that he was leaving too. He has 2 children – 1 in HS 1 in college. And we work for the same company. 2 years ago, he still hadn’t left (saying he wanted to wait another 2 yrs for the kids to be out) and I met someone else – quite a bit younger than him (and me – the MM is 10 yrs older than me) and dumped him. After 2 months of him stalking me to find out who the other guy was (who I really liked and had a blast with) – and of him meeting up w/ me to cry relentlessly – he made me feel like the 4 yrs we were together (sounds crazy now) weren’t enough of a chance for him to do the right thing. Anyway, I have spent the past 2 years going back & forth with him. He told me 2 months ago that he left and I got back together w/ him. Well it’s a month ago today that he’s been living back home. (I don’t believe he ever left – I think his wife thinks he was away on business – although he claims that he left) he went back because the kid was "acting up" & she couldn’t handle it. The problem here is that he’s never spoken w/ a lawyer and never got an apartment (he just goes to hotels or stays w/ me) So now he’s got 1 week to find an apartment and talk to a lawyer – I told him this and he agreed (I told him a few weeks ago)- however, he has a week left and neither has happened. On top of that, he has a friend coming to visit this week (just found this out today) & says oh, he’ll help him find a more permanent residence. Who does that?? You’re having your friend stay in the house w/ the (allegedly) estranged wife?? And you’re leaving this week?? Nontheless, I’m afraid he’s going to do another "fake" and get a hotel to placate me but not really commit. I have had friends and family fall in love, get married, have babies, etc... all in the time I have wasted w/ him. I want to have children (claims he only does if it’s w/ me) and the clock is ticking. I plan to to dump him for good this weekend or when his week is up but I know it’s going to be EXTREMELY hard – he is very good at making me feel bad and lost w/out him. I am in therapy now (of my own doing) because of this and I pray for the strength to follow thru & just cut it off for good. He always comes back w/ how could we live w/out each other?? Claims to be my best friend etc... well none of my other friends treat me like second fiddle. Tough part is – I need to work somewhere else – he has too much access to me there – tough because I’ve been there for 10yrs & have a great job so I really don’t want to leave. Anyone’s comments on this sordid ordeal would be welcome. As for my advice – Save yourself sister – that’s what I’m trying to do.. good luck.
written by Hopeless/Confused, 06 May, 2008
It hasn’t even been a year yet for me and mine... so I am trying to still have hope. Sometimes I feel it is in vain though. How is your counseling helping you? Is it? I thought about it. I’m sure they will tell me to move on... But not sure that is what I want to hear yet. This is all so wearing. I cry all the time and don’t sleep. I try to tell myself to give him more time and to just relax. Only time will tell... but how much time? He says he is going to go and talk to a lawyer in the next week or so... just to see what he is up against. I guess I just wait it out for a little to see if he follows thru???
written by Shoveling * against the tide, 06 May, 2008
Hopeless/Confused: The counseling is tremendously helpful, I highly recommend it. The once a week doesn’t seem like enough but it’s very helpful. My counselor didn’t tell me to move on – she’s working w/ me to figure out why I’m putting up w/ this. (a lot to do w/ how I grew up & issues w/ my parents – go figure! at 36!) She doesn’t tell me what to do necessarily. My honest advice to you being it hasn’t been a year yet is get out while you can, before you waste more time and before the attachment gets stronger. If he wants to be with you bad enough, he will come after you as a SINGLE man – if not, don’t take him back under any other circumstances. Believe me I did and always regret it. I know it’s REALLY hard and believe me, I empathize with you. I second guess myself all the time that after 5.5 yrs maybe he hasn’t had enough of a chance – now doesn’t that sound ridiculous?? smilies/smiley.gif He told me today how stressed he is w/ work, etc.. & I said boo hoo – you have ‘till next Wednesday to sign a lease. Whatever – part of me is very fed up & part of me is petrified to view my life w/out him. He keeps throwing the relationship I had w/ the younger guy in my face about how much that hurt him and he couldn’t leave during that time cause he was so hurt. The only think I know is I never wanted to be with a MM and I still don’t. We can keep talking – it feels great to have support from those who really understand! smilies/smiley.gif
written by Shoveling * against the tide, 07 May, 2008
Too ashamed: My heart goes out to you. What a tough situation to be in. Maybe you can sell the house for a downgrade and then afford someone to take the dog out in the evenings. I’m sure you have looked into this, just trying to be helpful. I feel so bad that you still have to see him. I’m afraid to be in that situation because I have to see him at work. I hope you can rid yourself of his presence sooner than later and not at the expense of your beloved dog. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. And to everyone on here: We all deserve SO much better than what these guys are offering – I just hope we can recognize it (myself included!) smilies/wink.gif My guy told me today he’ll definitely be out by my deadline and asked me not to be so nasty about it (I’m pretty angry at this point) Meanwhile I’m just hoping I can see thru his BS if he tries to deceive me next week (which, all bets are on that he will) or that if he tells the truth I can actually believe him. Here’s a question for everyone – my friend asked me the other day – What do you really want with this guy even if you get him for good – will you ever trust him? I’ve said enough so I’ll answer later... smilies/smiley.gif
written by Hopeless/Confused, 07 May, 2008
Shoveling.... Thank you and maybe counseling once a week would help. I guess it can’t hurt. Maybe hearing myself say things out loud will open my eyes. This is the hardest thing I have ever been thru. I guess up till now I can see that my life has been pretty easy. This all just happened so fast with him. He says he is going to talk to that lawyer in the next week or so. I think I am going to give him names so that I can see if he really does follow thru with that first step... After that I guess its just a matter of seeing if the lawyer scares him or if he feels better about leaving. I know I know.. I am still holding on. I set a goal for him in my mind. I feel that by the end of the summer if he hasn’t made any effort that I will move on. Remind me of that when I am still on here in Now/Dec that it is the end of the summer... ugh....
How do we get ourselves into these things?
written by Lied To, 07 May, 2008
Shoveling against the tide. THANK YOU. Yes, I feel this same way. smilies/cry.gif
I loved him and never felt so adored and loved. His tenderness kept me interested in that his ability to provide me with intimacy was the perfect ingredient for a sensual delicious affair. I still think of him, but not as much.

It hurts like hell. And I love him and I hate him at the same time. :-
Recently I found another (unmarried) man who is my age and is getting over the loss of his wife who died of cancer. So he says.
written by Shoveling * against the tide, 08 May, 2008
Hopeless/Confused: Wow – I found myself looking thru the newspaper, online, etc... for apartments for this guy then I realized that it was no different than taking my mother (many yrs ago & she’s still not sober) to AA meetings – the bottom line is: if they really want it they will do it themselves. So I aborted my apartment search and he’s on his own. He has 5 days left and still hasn’t started. He’s asking me if I could just be "normal" & not so angry until his deadline. I fear he’s not taking me seriously and I will have to dump him in 5 days. Maybe he’s testing me or maybe he’ll come thru – we’ll see. It’s a pretty uncomfortable place for me though – to be anticipating that he won’t do it and yet hear him promise that he will.

Lied To: I too have never felt so adored and loved but as my counselor put it – I’m still not getting the whole package. He is definitely the first man I ever truly loved – I was always afraid I couldn’t. Go figure I choose to finally fall for the one who is unavailable (now there’s a discussion for counseling) smilies/smiley.gif You really hit the nail on the head in your earlier post that – you’re (our) nerves are shot and we’re constantly living on the edge of these promises. I think we’re too afraid to let go and have them say "I was gonna do it & you blew it" – which, btw, this guy said to me several times but YET – he still lives at home!!!

I haven’t fully experienced the hurt yet because it’s not over – my counselor indicated that I try to avoid facing the hurt by 1. continuing to go back out w/ the younger guy (who usually ends up making the MM seem more appealing) and 2. by continuing to take him back. This time – after next Wed. I hope to say goodbye (if he doesn’t come thru) and face the pain. I’m not 100% sure I know how. A good friend lives in sunny Florida and she offered me a week’s stay afterward so I might have to take her up on that. I hate how confusing this all is.

I want to say how wonderful and hopeful it is to hear that you met someone else – your own age, (that’s what I’m hoping for) who is unmarried! It’s a shame these relationships make us so cynical – but I believe stronger as well. I wish you the best of luck!
written by Lied To, 10 May, 2008
Shoveling: There seems to be a pattern with women in need of a loving relationship and I’m wondering if we are looking for the daddy that let us down so many times by being verbally or physically abusive.
I experienced both.
When I found my MM it was like a stupid fairy tale; yet it was not stupid, rather it was rich with sensual moments. He taught me how to love. Or was it lust?

Is this why we become so addictive because our fathers have let us down. Okay we are grown women and should be able to move on. Not necessarily.
One thing I did learn in group therapy we get stuck in our childhood and don’t know how to find maturity. Unless we go back and talk out the horrors and finally discover we are powerful within our own self.
I don’t need this MM anymore. I have me and me is pretty damn happy right now. smilies/cheesy.gif
written by Shoveling * against the tide, 13 May, 2008
Lied To: I agree with you regarding the pattern. In counseling I have learned that as adults we try (and by we I mean not just "us") to resolve issues from our childhood thru adult situations. For example, I have discussed that I want so badly to "create" the happy family that I felt I sorta had growing up and make it perfect now. The problem is that attempting to do that with the MM is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It becomes more confusing for me because he is promising me exactly what I’ve always wanted and never felt I had a shot at w/ someone in the past. I guess I’m scared that if I let him go I lose that shot but on a more conscious level I know that I should be able to find that w/ someone who is not a MM. So yes, I am looking for that loving relationship from both parents who let me down so many times and made me feel (as a child) responsible for their dysfunction. My counselor advised that once I really deal w/ the pain from my childhood (which I thought I had let go of at this point) I won’t need the MM and she suggested that it’s difficult to let him go because that would mean having to deal w/ this pain that I have apparently been very adept at avoiding. I asked her if there are any mental exercises I could to do expedite this but she said no, I just need to keep coming and talking it out. So you’re right on! I truly am so happy for you that you don’t need him anymore and can find happiness for yourself. I also greatly appreciate that you still take the time to come on here even though you’re moving past the situation. I, apparently like you, am not looking for company in misery here – I want to find a way out and your words are encouraging.
Hopeless/Confused: Just wanted to add that all of your words sound so familiar to me. I too have set deadline after deadline only for him to come back w/ some other situation/excuse as to why he hasn’t done anything yet. I will definitely remind you after the summer but I do hope for you that he does the right thing!! I have asked the MM over and over to just tell me if he can’t do it but he won’t. I could take that as hope or (and more likely) that he, for whatever reason, is just not capable of breaking that attachment – which would be fine if he’d just let me go. As to how we get ourselves into these things – see above smilies/smiley.gif

written by Shoveling * against the tide, 13 May, 2008
My update: Well, I’ve gone back to school for my Masters (sick of putting my goals on hold for him) and now I’m so stressed that I’m not taking any summer classes in the hopes that by the fall I have moved past this and can really focus – this semester (especially the end) has been a tremendous struggle to say the least. The coursework is challenging on a good day – never mind when you’re emotionally spent. I’m very disappointed that this is once again interfering w/ what I want for myself. smilies/sad.gif
Well, it’s Monday and the MM claims to be out looking for a permanent residence today or tomorrow in order to produce proof (in a lease) that he is truly ending his other relationship. I’m doubtful that he’s going to succeed so on Wednesday I will tell him that I cannot have any further communication with him unless he’s done. I really think he’s testing me (the nerve!) to see if I end up going back to the younger (unmarried guy) from the past. He uses that as an excuse not to do what he should. So, I’m not giving him any excuses. I’ll be sure to let you know what happens. Every day I question myself about drawing the hard line here but I just keep reminding myself that I control what happens to me – not him or his wife. Oh, btw, just wanted to share: at one point in the past he actually told me that he was waiting for his wife to kick him out (as opposed to just leaving). lol! Anyway, I wish you all a happy & stress free week! smilies/wink.gif
written by Lied To, 13 May, 2008
Shoveling...... I too notice how patient we are as women: we wait and wait and wait and wait for what? To be disappointed time and time again. smilies/angry.gif
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Let’s allow the men to do the chasing. It’s amazing how panicky they become when we ignore then for a week maybe even two. Be strong and make it a month.

SILENCE!
No not the silent treatment where women manipulate men, rather just remain out of his life for a while and see how important you are to him. smilies/kiss.gif

Nope, don’t answer your phone if you have caller I.D. your door, nor return e-mails. You say, but I couldn’t do this. Oh but it is amazingly powerful when YOU are in control. smilies/cool.gif
This is not to hurt or injure even though he’ll beg and the sex is AWESOME, it is important to find a place in which we find respect within ourself.
Yes, therapy is amazingly and it was a combination of pain and growth. Without pain we cannot mature. But it does get better. Okay, I’m older and many are you are saying, I cannot do without sex with my MM for even a day.
Sure you can and you must get rid of this jerk who is cheating on his wife.
written by Hopeless/Confused, 15 May, 2008
Shoveling? How are you??? Has he found a place?
written by Shoveling * against the tide, 16 May, 2008
Hopeless/Confused: Thanks for asking! smilies/smiley.gif No, he has not. I lost my patience before Wednesday and told him that if he really loved me he would leave me alone, go take care of his business and not call me again ‘till he’s done because I want out of this craziness (which is all his – without him my life is not crazy). He agreed and said that he will go take care of it and I should, and I quote, "not do anything stupid" while he does (he’s referring to getting involved w/ the younger guy again). Unbelievable, huh? So for him, in this scenario, nothings changed and he just bought himself a huge chunk of time and I’m supposed to sit here and "be a good girl" – give me a break! Nonetheless, he has called me every day and I’m just angrier and angrier – he specifically calls late at night (I’m sure to reassure himself that I don’t have the younger guy over) So far, he has not done a thing – never secured a place (even though on Sunday he swore he would) He has called me every day to say that he misses me and I just ask him to stop calling. Last night he said that he told the wife for the first time that he wants a divorce. And this is supposed to make me happy?? He’s told me many times in the past that he said those words to her so obviously he lied!! I never know what to believe but I know he is trying to suck me back into his crap w/ out being right and I refuse. He asks me every time if I love him still – how am I supposed to feel love when I’m so incredibly angry. I’m truly hurt and disgusted yet it’s still hard not to believe him when he says he’s doing it. I think he’s very selfish for trying to keep me hanging on like that. I left my ex husband in one night – if you want to leave you leave and that’s it. He keeps saying that he has his kids involved (the youngest is 1smilies/cool.gifand I think it’s BS. So now I’m trying to relax and get my head right. Not easy after all this and with him still calling. It feels impossible to get away from him! smilies/angry.gif
written by Shoveling * against the tide, 16 May, 2008
Lied To: I totally agree that they should be doing the chasing! Now I’m so mad (see previous post) that I don’t know what I want anymore. He actually asked if I still want him to do this. I told him that if he wants to leave his wife he should (not for me) and if he doesn’t he should stay. It’s obviously his insecurity that’s holding him back because he clearly doesn’t want to lose her if there’s a risk of me not being here for him. I think that’s a chance he’s got to take! He said "don’t make me go thru this if in the end you’re not going to be there for me, that would be devastating" – in that, this coward is trying to make this whole charade my responsiblity! Do you all agree?

As for the sex, I don’t feel that I cannot do w/ out the sex. First of all, if I really wanted that I could go to the younger guy and he’s not a MM. Sex is definitely not what’s holding me here. I think it’s the illusive promise of this fantasy world we’ve created together of "what it’s gonna be like" – but it doesn’t exist, never did and doesn’t show the promise of coming to fruition. I’m trying to move on but feel I have not gotten far enough away from this.

When he made his conditions that I hang in there (in the above post) – I just said fine even though I feel that I’m the single person and should be free to do as I choose -he has no right until he’s single and we’re in an exclusive relationship (if that ever happens). Oh, he said – if you decide to see someone else just send me an email and let me know... So he claims he’s seeking a lawyer and a place to live but yet put this condition in there – if he truly wanted to leave, what difference would it make?? I know he’d want me to be there but... come on?? Part of me feels like this is some kind of sick test for me to see if I go w/ the younger guy again or not so then he can blame me for not leaving. This has happened in the past but he always comes back and I took him (which will never happen again!) What do you girls think? I also thought about just telling him – I’m going to live my life, I’m not waiting around but if I’m available when you’re single then we can talk. Again – opinions? I feel that this is the only way I can get some temporary closure to try to extricate myself from this madness – I certainly don’t want him calling me w/ the play-by-play because as far as I’m concerned (and I told him this) – until he has a legal separation agreement -we have no business talking. A lease is not good enough for me anymore. Thank you both so VERY much for your support!! It really helps to be able to vent on here!
written by Shoveling * against the tide, 16 May, 2008
Sorry for the novel – one last comment I forgot to add. Should MM stand for Married Man or Master Manipulator?? Lol!
written by Lied To, 17 May, 2008
Shoveling......... Married Man or Master Manipulator?? LOL I would say both. When I joined group therapy some time ago there was a need to connect with those who could understand.
Love is such a powerful ingredient we need in our lives. Nobody wants to be lonely, nor do we want to be made a fool of either. Yet there is that overwhelming need to be with the love of your life and nobody should tell you what to do. When I was with my MM life was magic. We were very much in love. Well so I thought. Yes, I am going to leave my wife and we’ll get married. Promises, love, confusion, heartache and oh, by the way I cannot leave my wife. I could not do that to my boys. Don’t ya just it?!?
It was then, when the anger seeped in and I realized what the hell am I doing wasting my time on someone who does not value me as a person.
Unless we are precious in their sight don’t waste your time.
written by Hopeless/confused, 22 May, 2008
Hey Shoveling... I feel your frustrations... trust me, as I know all of the women on here do. He does have a lot of nerve though. And I can tell you are a smart woman. You see right thru it. You know he is saying things and checking up on you. Its obvious. And how are you to believe he actually said divorce to her?? He could be telling you that to bide more time... now he will tell you that she is fighting it and wants to try.. and there is another 5 months... then it will be she said she is going to change... then she doesn’t... its all a big game. But how do we let go? Mine tells me that he is going to when he makes it apparent to his kids that he has tried everything in his power to make it work. I see the texts that she sends him and he really is doing nothing on his end to fix things with her... he is just letting herself dig herself into a hole, so that does make me feel better. But its just a matter of how long to wait. I am going to try to wait it out thru the summer. I am going to divorce by the end of summer also so then it will be up to him.. and I won’t... or at least I will tell you not to let me.. ha... wait longer than that!! Save this email for me so you can show it to me in Dec!! ha. Hope you are doing well... Big hugs... I need to get mad... and I’m not at that point yet. Guess we’ll see where things go!
written by Lied To, 23 May, 2008
hopeless/confused. The title of this conversation is Truth about Deception.
Men lie and they lie convincingly. Now for the men who are NOT jerks, I take my hat off to you. Those who are loving and committed in a marriage that is not perfect, but can be helped.
written by Lied To, 25 May, 2008
To Hopeless/confused.

I need to get mad... and I’m not at that point yet.

This is your life and nobody has the right to tell you what to do.
It took me a while before I realized it was more about HIM then it could EVER be about US.
I watched him lie and swallowed.
. . . but I love him so much.

Again and again his wife always had his attention. I am convinced some men are little boys and want to be mothered and loved.
They enjoy the lush sex from us and it’s always the same old story.

"It’s not a good time to break up my marriage."
"My kids didn’t ask to be born."
"I could never do this to my wife. She’s been through so much in her childhood."
Give me a break. Where do we fit into the scheme of things?
Yes, I know. He’s the only man in the world who makes you feel so wonderfully alive and sexy. The sex is beyond magic.

But, what ever happened to MY self respect?
How the hell did I get into this mess?
And they promise and promise and continue to promise as our
legs are open for them over and over again. They don’t have to
leave their wives. They have it both ways are making fools of us/me.

One day the anger will come and you shall find a sense of freedom from
the man you thought you loved.
It’s all about addiction.
As an abused child survivor I know in my heart of hearts we continue to look for that daddy in the worst kinds of men.
My therapist explained it this way. We seek out what is familiar not what is good for us. Subtle and charming there is a need to be loved and love.

Blessing to you and it does take time to realize this is a NO WIN situation for most of us. You’re a smart lady, and it’s not about intelligence as much as we thrive on being dotted over and loved and the sex is absolutely the best I’ve ever experienced. How do I become angry? Look ahead ~ picture yourself in ten years. Okay how about two years.
I was about to move to England with the knowledge he would never leave her.
Yes, we are in need of love and some men just know charm and make us wilt.

Then when the anger began, he no longer held any interest.
He seemed so terribly hurt when I had to tell him, "I cannot do this any more."
His emails, phone calls became desperate until I refused to answer them.

Somehow, he didn’t seem all that attractive after I regained my self confidence and respect. It’s a wonderful feeling to be rid of him.
smilies/cool.gif
written by me, 28 May, 2008
I just binned a MM. If he wants me, he knows where I am. I am stronger than he is both mentally and emotionally. In fact, he is a coward and hasn’t got a back bone. cheap sex? I can do without it. Maybe I should have been a man myself.... question is... just who was playing who?
written by Hopeless/ confused, 28 May, 2008
Lied to.... thank you... and I do hear what you are saying. But when you first started with him... would it have been that easy to walk? I just find myself saying that I will wait it out till the end of summer... and hope that I am strong enough to call it quits if things don’t happen by then. Its so hard. I know you know... its all still so fresh for me too which makes walking harder. How long ago did you walk away from yours?
written by Complicated, 29 May, 2008
Hi everybody, I’m new around here. Seem to be going through the same things you all are going through. I have been actually living with mm for almost 2 years, wife is in a different state but she didn’t know about me, just thought he was by himself running a business. He recently lost the business and had to move back to his home state. He just this last week flew to my state to see me and she found out about it. Right now as i type this they are taking about all of it. We are very much so in love and i know he wants to be with me but has been financially ruined by the loss of his business. I’m sure he can’t leave right now because if his situation. He never lied to me about her and he also said for the longest time that he would never leave her. Now he says he would like to be with me. He will call today and i will find out what happened with their talk and I’m sure he will tell me that he can’t leave right now because of finances, my question is...If he still wants to continue a relationship with me(and I’m sure he will) what do i do? And what do I say, do I make this call today the last phone call. I’m really struggling with this so any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all and I’m sorry about what everybody is going through, I know with time we will all be happy again.
written by Lied To, 29 May, 2008
Hopeless/confused it’s all so complicated when we’re desperately in love and right now you are in the eye of the hurricane. What I mean is you are not able to see his power over you, any more than I could with my MM.

Our love was pure and perfect. He was the love of my life (so I believed.)
As any addiction he was destructive with a smile and a charming English accent. I was drooling each time we spoke on the phone. All the lies, deception didn’t seem to matter.
I was so much in love. He promised to marry me when the boys were on their own. Little by little his story continued to change and it was one night when I looked in the mirror at the biggest fool ever. He had his wife’s love and mine as well.
I was editing his work for 2 years and by the third year I had to relinquish any business dealings with him.
Slowly I found myself needing to cut off all ties.
I blocked his e-mail.
Also would not answer my phone with caller I.D.
He came to N.Y for a business deal and showed up at my door begging for me to speak with him. He lost weight, said he could not sleep at night and was in tears for me to resume our relationship.
"Just give me more time."
We talked in my living room for almost ten minutes.

Yes, he loved me. HA! How about he was in LUST with me.
"If you truly care for me divorce her and marry me NOW."
I could see the anger rising in him.
"You know I cannot."
"WRONG, you choose not to."
Then he really became angry.

I just smiled and told him NEVER come to me again. How I was unfaithful to my wonderful husband and that I did meet a man who lost his wife to cancer..
Somehow the sound of another man in the picture made him back peddle.

"Give me some more time."
What a jerk with a luscious English accent.

When did I know? I believe I knew all along. It’s hard to say goodbye to someone who wants to be so loving and caring.

Again, it’s all about addiction and how we are taken in because we choose to love back. This does not make us bad people.
There are many couples who continue having an affair for years and are perfectly happy. That’s because she the mistress is not demanding and willing to swallow and accept him for who he is and is satisfied. She realizes he’ll never leave his wife. Very few do.
written by Lied To, 30 May, 2008
Welcome, Complicated.
Only you can decide what shall happen to make you happy.
However, I see some hot buttons I want to mention and ask you about.

Most men in their attempt to hold onto their wife and mistress will lie like hell.
First of all regarding his business failing; have you seen the numbers and work in his office to know what is happening? NO, I’m not talking about he told you so. You should have proof.
You lived with him for two years and he’s moving back home?
I’m not getting why he must return to his home state to gain access to getting a job, when he’s established there.

How do you know for sure he is talking to his wife about you?
You are sure he cannot leave his home state and he has never lied to you.

This is the hardest thing to swallow when you know he’s lying, has lied and will continue to lie.

I know you are very much in love. And he will promise you and provide you with all the words you ache to hear.
I’ve been there in your shoes and adored him so much.

Do be careful. Of course you are struggling because it’s difficult to know you’re not #one in his eyes, or he’s be living with you.

I don’t know how to help you. Other than to suggest you need a long break from him and see if he’s still interested or married.
written by hu7668, 30 May, 2008
I have read this blog and many others on this site, let me tell you ladies this is not all a man thing. I am a MM that just ended a 3+ year affair with a MW. I will tell you she became my best friend and the love of my life. But once her husband got an idea of what was going on the "attachment" feelings kicked in and I ended up very hurt and strung out for months. She has a lot of issues in her marriage but the attachment to the family overrides everything. I finally had to say enough was enough yesterday. We had even talked about marriage and the future with our kids. It had gotten to that point. But it just ended up with me in pain.

I will say I don’t regret the affair because I did meet someone I love very much. But I do now know that I wasted a lot of time and energy I should’ve put into my own marriage. But it is hard to WANT to put in the effort when you are lonely etc... in your marriage.

So for those of you that are in an affair or just starting one don’t do it. Yes it feels WONDERFUL!!!! But it will not lead to anything worthwhile, statistics prove that out. One of you maybe willing to leave your family but the chances of both of you, very rare. Yes the love will still be there but the relationship can only grow so far. For me I wanted more and was willing to leave my family, she was not.

For those of you that are blaming people for seeing guys like me, take care of your own house before you blame anyone. I was happy in my marriage until changes in my marriage left me wanting and then I became open to an affair. Marriage needs constant attention to work, if you think that ring on your finger or promises mean anything you are living a dream. Love your man as you did when you first meet him or you will see him posting on a blog like this, or the woman he was involved with doing so.
written by New life, 31 May, 2008
It has been the best of therapy for me to read all the posts. For a long time I convinced myself that nobody would understand, but reading all of your trials and challenges actually gives me hope. I have been there. Done that. I understand the stress, the sadness, the anger and the confusion in every single post.

It was encouraging to read from the earliest days seeing raw pain changing over to cautious hope towards the most recent entries. There was a time in my relationship with my MM that I was convinced I would not be able to live a present and happy life without him. My whole day was fixated on thoughts about him. When would I talk to him again? Was he with his wife? Was he sleeping on the couch like he said or was he sleeping in their bed? So many painful thoughts. His promises, his explanations.

I finally had no more strength for the emotional roller coaster and it has been exactly 3 weeks and 5 days since I told him that I could not be a leftover crumb on the floor anymore. I told him that I would stay away and that he could find me if he wanted to only if he chooses to leave his wife.

He says it’s complicated. Oh really? How come it was very uncomplicated for me to sign my divorce papers? We were cheating on our partners for 5 years. I felt horrible and could not live two lives. It’s not complicated to choose what you really want, so I told him that by his actions – he has already chosen. And it wasn’t me he picked, he chose his wife.

I am still torn between hope and disgust. One moment I am hoping that he will just show up, telling me that I helped him make a decision to leave her, but I know that it will probably not happen. The next moment I am disgusted with him for lying and disrespecting me. How did I ever fall in to that trap?

Anyway, reading all the posts has been so helpful. I realize by what you all say that this is an addiction, and I have never thought of it this way. Thank you for helping me point that out. It feels empowering and encouraging. Now I know that healing can begin. Right in my heart.
written by Lied To, 31 May, 2008
New Life, congratulations on your choice. It was not easy. We know.
Even I think back and wonder how I ever survived without him.

Yet there is an overwhelming sense of pride when we realize we can do it without him. It will still haunt you and eat at your soul for a while. That’s what addictions do. They feed on us until we go back to our MM and then back into the same horrible reality of, HE DOESN’T LOVE ME.
Oh he loved me in his own way. Just not enough for my self respect.

Blessings your way.
written by Lied To, 31 May, 2008
Hi hu7668,

You are unique and one of the few men who would consider marriage with your MW. I feel your pain and how fresh it is in your heart.
YOU are so right on. It did feel WONDERFUL because addictions usually do. Until I found this helpful blog, I wandered aimlessly in my thoughts without direction. I knew it was wrong, but he was so charming and his wife was so horrible.
HA!!! And I believed everything he said.
You are a survivor of this addiction. How difficult and yet so important in that your freedom shall provide you with find a newness with your wife.
YES, YES, YES, go back and recall why you first fell in love.
written by stubborn, 26 June, 2008
I am in love with a married man. Over 13 months. He loves me... says our "beings" are as one. He sings to me. He adores me. Says I make him feel alive. He is also my boss. And his wife says she will publicly humiliate him... take him down... me down... she has threatened my life... she and I used to be friends. I have asked him to make THE DECISION 2 other times... each time... he says... he can’t leave her. It was even my New Year’s Resolution to ask that hard question... and he tearfully admitted he can’t leave her. We cried and could hardly let each other go. I had to call my counselor that night... I was hyperventilating... just so damn devastated. About 3 weeks later... he started to come by... call... loved me so much... didn’t want to let me go... said "If I’m going to do it, then I need to do it." He started seeing his own counselor... key topics... "how to not live a life of regret. And how to take this gift of love... and not let it slip through his fingers..." He was turning towards me... on the path... I said ever so cautiously... I can do this if I think you are working your way to me... b/c I honestly thought in January... when I forced the decision that was it. As hard as it was. I was so hopeful when he made his way back to me... more hope than I had ever felt. I thought we can figure out the work thing... see each other secretly so he wouldn’t be fired. Then... the bomb dropped... his wife heard a voicemail I left him... confronted me... him.... he threw me away. I was devastated. Did not speak to him for 9 weeks. I was broken... I loved him so much and he loved me. I could not understand why he would stay with her. She can be so cruel. But it was all b/c of the threat of his job, career, all he had worked for, his "station" in life. He threw me away. Then, he reconnected with me "I’m still in love with you." Oh my, this man, I love him. I did say, I can’t do this. It is so hard for me mentally, emotionally. That he needs to let me go if he already knows, that he will NEVER leave her. Let me go. This is agony. I am awaiting his answer. I told him 2 weeks. Really think about it. I do not know how to deal with losing him again. Because this time, if he tells me no. I will KNOW. Even if he comes back to me in 2 weeks... 3 weeks... professing love. I will KNOW this is a cycle... and there really is no hope. And it makes me sad. My counselor says, be prepared for what he will say. I think I already know. But I am grateful for the 2 weeks of not knowing for sure. For now I can just fool myself into thinking, maybe he will turn to me again. Maybe there is hope.
written by mrs. tired, 29 June, 2008
Amazing... sounds exactly like my guy. He’s the cook, the incredible father, the mediator, the provider and the maid. He does everything while his wife is conjuring up the next bag or shoes she wants to purchase. He complains about how materialistic she is and how she is always trying to make herself look good in front of others. My guys main excuse up until August was that he was waiting for his son to leave for college (they only have one child)... then his next excuse was that he’s working on some business plans and wanted to wait ‘til that money came in. Now his excuse is, that his plans are taking a while longer and being that he is an "entrepreneur" without health insurance, he needs to stay with her a while longer because he is using her insurance. "It is very important that he does this due to his family’s medical history" (cancer having taken 2 of his siblings)... so basically I’m dating a married man that chooses to use his deceased siblings as an excuse to stay with his wife, and draw some sort of sympathy from me..except, I’m tired. I’M TIRED!!! I have woken up and I’m sick of it all... I am 18 years younger than him, am raising a child all on my own (from my very own failed marriage), and have wasted 3 years of my life that i will never get back with this person. I am still involved with him, although I am waiting to speak to him again in the next few days to break it off. I have attempted to do so once before, but obviously to no avail. I have even considered talking to his wife, because I figured she should know, and why allow him to get out of this with his fingers clean? But, that is not logical. I am hurt, yes, but why hurt someone else intentionally? She didn’t make me sleep with her husband and fall in love with him. This is my fault, as well as his, not hers. So, after reading your blog, I have realized that I am not the only victim out there, and that this will not get better. I know that it is hard, but what makes you believe that you don’t deserve to be the woman a man runs home to? or the woman that a man cleans the house for? you deserve more, and you should repeat that to yourself everyday. As for myself, I am preparing myself for the biggest heart break of my life, but I do so with faith and confidence. These men are not ours to begin with, so why allow ourselves to suffer for them? let’s give them back and let them be someone else’s headache. I don’t know about you, but I am tired!!
written by hu7668, 01 July, 2008
This is the problem with an affair it has no where to grow. It can only go so far and pain to someone will happen, most times it will be the person we are having the affair with. Why because it is easiest choice, marriages are hard to end and most people can’t do it. Let alone if there are kids involved.

We all know better but lust and love drives us to do things we shouldn’t, but that is part of being human.

I will tell you the heart break is bad, mine went on for months. I still have bad days but it passes and life will go on. Just learn from the experience. I very much learned what I need to have in a partner to be happy or at least content.
written by stubbon, 02 July, 2008
I feel so weak. I had said I would give him two weeks. TWO weeks. It has been 12 days and I haven’t heard from him. So... I went out tonight... heard OUR SONG... left him a beautiful voice mail (work phone). DAMN. I just can’t seem to withhold my feelings. I have this need to express them. Where do I put all these feelings of love if not to share them with him. When we were having our "affair" undiscovered by his wife... we would leave each other beautiful voicemails. It was our thing. Now... being totally cut off hurts. And I wonder if I will ever be strong enough NOT to be the OTHER woman. I have told him... this is not good for me... let me go if you know you will never leave her. I said really think about it and call me in two weeks. But truthfully... I am beginning to wonder if I am strong enough to "take" his answer. Because... I know... know... know he would have me on the side... loves me "you are the love of my life"... yet he has been unable... to this point... unable to "leave" his wife. His job is on the line. His kids. She is violent. So he goes to counseling every week... trying to "save" the marriage??? But loves me so much. How can he choose to live a life without me as his WIFE. I am heartbroken and feel like I am doomed to always feel this way. So broken. Because the man I love... and who loves me... will not choose to "jump." I guess in a way... I am different than the other people on this sit b/c he has NEVER told me he would leave his wife. But telling me how much he loves me, adores me... I translate that into how could he NOT choose to be with me?
written by Lied To, 02 July, 2008
Hi Stubborn. We have all been in your shoes and my love was the most wonderful love I ever experienced with my MM.

I am heartbroken and feel like I am doomed to always feel this way. So broken.

There is hope. First recognize this as an addiction. The man of your dreams is living two lives. He, like my MM wanted his cake and eat it too.

In other words, don’t complicate my life. Love me, tell me I’m wonderful. Just don’t make me choose. Your MM expects a lot from you and wanna know something? you are aching inside for someone who is not worthy of you.

Do recognize what and why this addiction is so delicious.
I know you love him and my heart hurts for you.
Give yourself time. Don’t leave anymore messages.

Consider this: Many relationships work wonderfully when the mistress loves her MM and does not demand anything in return.

The love is enormously gratifying and both are content. But she has to be willing not to expect him to leave home. EVER.

Does the wife ever find out? Who knows. Some live in this situation for years and find it comfortable for them.

Not every woman is willing to be so giving and liberal.
Blessing, and best of luck to you.
Claire
written by film, 15 July, 2008
Wow, what amazes me about this site is how many people are in the same position. I have been seeing my MM for a year. I left my husband after only 2 months of seeing MM because I knew if I could love someone else so much then I didn’t love my husband enough. I am not the sort of person to have an affair and i am not comfortable with what I’m doing at all. I know his wife and family and I just hate seeing them. I feel so guilty. But I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. He comes from a single parent family and knows what growing up without a dad in the house is like. He says he doesn’t want that for his kids. His youngest one is 14. He says when she is 18 he will leave. I so want to believe him. What should I do?
written by addicted but lonely, 17 July, 2008
Just found this site and its lovely all the support you are giving each other, my situation is .... known this wonderful man for over 20 yrs, he was married but now divorced and living with his girlfriend of 3 yrs... i was married for 13 yrs... now getting divorced. we’ve never been close in the last 20 odd yrs, but started speaking to each other almost everyday for the last 10 months. We have been meeting up once every couple of weeks and sleeping together. He NEVER discusses his relationship with her, only once i heard him say that it wont last... that was 7 months ago... for all i know they might have split up!... I’m totally addicted to him. he’s never told me how he feels about me, even tho he does compliment me all the time and said my husband was mad to let me go.. we had a row and I ended it when he let me down again... only for us to meet up again 2 weeks later and I’m hooked again....part of me thinks.. well its better than nothing at all.. its ok. I’ll find someone new and give him up then... but i find myself not really wanting to look at other men.. I’ve told him I love him.. once.. but not going to make a fool of myself and say it again, unless i know he would feel the same... is it a hopeless relationship?
written by Lied To, 23 July, 2008
Hi Film,

I love him.. once.. but not going to make a fool of myself and say it again, unless I know he would feel the same... is it a hopeless relationship?

I believe you already know what you should do and is it hopeless?
Okay let’s look at your addiction. Once we break it there so a wonderful sense of freedom that comes letting him to go.

I know. You have never felt this way before and the guilt of knowing his family must be killing you.
Consider this: You divorced your husband for obvious reasons.
Is he willing to divorce his wife and marry you?

He has already stated he’s from a single home and in so many words has given you his answer. There is no way he will leave his family, especially his children. So you are left with what?

The same thing I was left with a broken heat.
BUT, it need not be that way. Just realize he is your addiction and once
you no longer see him there is such a wonderful sense of pride in yourself,
he won’t know what hit him.

Unless a woman is willing to be the lover of a MM and realize he will NEVER ever leave his wife and family ~ it is a no win situation.
There are many women who love their MM man so much they will give and give and give and continue to give in spite of their situation.
If he shows you love in return it’s difficult to turn away.

If it is a one way deal where the woman is forever giving of herself and has
lost all self respect; it’s time to get out and run like hell.
Seek counseling if necessary. Addictions come in various forms.
Wishing you all the best,
Claire
written by Lied To, 23 July, 2008
Let me get it right.

Film you said,

My MM promised to marry me. Then he explained how his children did not ask to be born and could never leave them. They had children late in life and he would never hurt them. Oh, how nice. Don’t hurt them, but it’s okay to hurt me.
But he was so wonderful I kept overlooking his lies and finally I could not stand myself. That’s when I realized I had an addiction.

When I did release him there was a terrific sense of self respect and understand how the addiction can take over your life.

I would look for signals such as your MM changing his story about leaving them. It’s a circus and they have to be in control.
written by ShouldHaveKnownBetter, 24 July, 2008
I want to thank you all for your courage and sharing your stories. I, like everyone else here, fell in love with a MM (26 years, 4 kids). I too am married (14 years, 3 kids), and I bought into all the mush and passion. When he started talking about "our future" and "wanting to be together", I believed him. The problem was, I started asking him to prove his words. His bottom line is that he "didn’t know" if he could do it. Tonight, I gave him the ultimatum – give me something concrete to hang on to, or I’m done. He begged for time to think about it, and asked for a month. I gave it to him (stupid, I know.) The thing is, I know that at the end of the month, he will still not have made up his mind – in the end, he is weak and cowardly. I am building up my strength for saying "goodbye" at the end of that month (if I make it that far, which I might not) – this site has helped IMMENSELY. I know I’m not alone, and I know that the chances of him making a decision in our favor are slim to none. Thank you for your stories – they have strengthened my resolve.
written by Moving On Now, 27 July, 2008
Well, what a real eye-opener it has been reading all your blogs. You think you’re the only one, yet there are hundreds and thousands of us who have had their hearts ripped out by MM.

It is not even 4 days since my MM said to me "..I have to break our hearts....I just can’t leave." WOW! That was bolt from the blue I tell you. No lead up, no warning. He has been totally resolute about leaving his wife for the last 3 months. He couldn’t tell her, he was just going to do a runner. That just proves what a coward the man is. After 38 years of marriage, he was going to just leave her a letter.

Anyway, he is my whole life – but after reading all of this, I realize I have to move on now and try and get over him. The problem is that we work together. Our affair has lasted over 6 years. 6 of the most amazing years of my life. The bottom line is, he is attached to his wife. And he said he just couldn’t do it to his boys ( who are both over 30!)

Basically, this final deadline I gave him loomed and he knew he had to let me go to get on with my life. And it IS easier for a man to destroy the other woman in his life, than destroy a wife who has done no wrong. He reckons she still doesn’t know about us. WRONG!! You would have to be a complete fool not to know. But they don’t communicate. She has let him get away with it, most likely petrified to confront him in case he left her. That’s what he has been hoping for......a confrontation – which would have given him an excuse to walk out.

I love him to death, but feel so sorry for him. Because he is stuck in this stalemate situation with a woman he has no attraction for. They don’t have any friends. They do have 38+years together though. So I guess he was never going to leave. He has nobody to talk to about this and that makes me so sad because I know he is hurting as much as I am. But at the end of the day, he must also be relieved. He’s done it now. And all out dreams, our whole world has been shattered. His family is in tact, he will not have to go through the most terrible fall out – and in time, my heart will heal. But he will be left there, wondering if he made the right decision.

He is the most wonderful man I have ever met and the love I have for him in my heart and soul makes the pain even worse. I have no doubt whatsoever he loves me equally. The bottom line is though , that he just doesn’t love me enough.

Having read all your stories, I have to thank all for making me see and realize that I am the most important one here. That I deserve better than to fall in love with a MM, no matter how wonderful he may be.
written by Grown up, 27 July, 2008
MM lied (nothing unique there, huh?) when we met telling me he had been divorced for 5 years. I had been divorced for 6 years at the time.

One week shy of one year I received a phone call from his wife asking me to quit calling her husband I felt as if a ball bat had been taken to my knees. I also was treated to feeling incredibly stupid and embarrassed as a result.

I did not take his calls for several days and when I did finally speak with him he was, of course, full of remorse.

I am very remorseful that I chose to continue seeing him because of how I was affected. Several times throughout I ended it with much resolve to be done. This week I moved beyond the resolve to action and am done.

I am done for me. Selfish as it sounds I am sorry for the couple of wives who have posted in this conversation telling the "other woman" to back off.

I don’t feel sorry for them.

If you choose to stay dependent financially on the individual you are married to then I think you are as weak as you believe your husband to be. There is no excuse for that in my book. I hope I never put financial security or material possessions above peace of mind and happiness. Life is too short and the things I accumulate here I certainly can’t take with me when I go.

Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things as much as most. But I don’t have to have all I want right now and I am willing to work to attain what I’d like to have.

I raised four children for 10 years on my own and leaving my abusive marriage was the scariest thing I ever had to do. To my knowledge he did not cheat but the emotional, mental, and eventual physical abuse left me feeling cheated on regardless. (I felt cheated out of the life he promised me I could have when I married him.)

At the time I did not have a complete formal education and only menial job prospects. I could not justify staying in the marriage and teaching my daughters by my example that what they saw with their father and I was the best they could hope for, nor did I wish to allow my sons to be raised seeing that example of what a man is supposed to be. Right? Wrong? Each person has to gauge that based on their own situation. I do not regret leaving him. I feel strongly that the decision to leave was the best for them and for me.

As young adults all but one of my children have told me they were glad I left and they have grown into people I am very proud of who I believe are healthier emotionally than I am at this point.

My MM says he’s staying for his kids. Good for him.

Guess when his daughter marries she’ll look for a paycheck too, his son will expect to be one. For the sake of those kids I hope I am wrong.

For the sake of the two adults who have chosen to spend their lives in something they BOTH say they are miserable in, I truly hope you can find whatever peace of mind you need to exist in what you have.

His neighbor phoned me asking me to consider the kids!! Guess his secret was not such a big secret...

It would have been very easy to blame and react to this in a manner that is beneath me and would cause destruction in his life(punish him)when I got that call. Believe he’ll do that to himself quite well and eventually I would have to make further amends to sleep with me. His comments, and the validation by his neighbor, of the reality of their relationship leads me to believe his wife will punish him very well without my help.

Blaming would be the easy way out to absolve myself of my part in this and hang onto the hurt. Further self destructive behavior I believe would be the result.

I wrote to him not having a clue if he’ll read it or not, and not really caring. The letter tells him I forgive him and hope the best for his life. It was the first of the steps I needed to take to forgive myself.

Good news is I learned to google from this, I am not agonizing over the decision.I feel right about it. I had to call four of my closest friends and ask them to tell me out loud what I already knew but needed to hear anyway.

"Doing the right thing does not always feel good."

I am not discounting the heartache of anyone here and certainly not discounting my own feelings. Very little of my story is unique from any one else here who has been through it. I loved him, I love him right now but there is nothing to build on when so much deception (self and real) is involved.

If anything was or is real then he can call me if he’s ever free to and we’ll see if I am free.

In the meantime, I’m grieving.
Time will heal and I am worthy of being loved.

Maya Angelou says "Surviving is necessary, thriving is elegant".

Today I am choosing to live elegantly.

Best of luck to anyone out there who is caught in any part of the topic of discussion here. I wish you well on your journey.
written by What do I do part 1, 01 August, 2008
I ran across this group by accident and have been reading all responses. I tried to think my situation was a bit unique but am coming to realize that it may not be as I see it.

I am married – 19 years now. I met my MM 2 years ago and we got together for a "fling" as we were both bored at home. Let me add that when I met him, he did NOT admit he was married, hid his ring, would not give me his cell number and did not live in the town he claimed. At first it didn’t matter. We used each other for one purpose but soon we began to fall for each other. That lasted for a few months with us only seeing each other 5 times during that time. His wife found out, he went away, end of story. Three months later he starts communicating with me. Once every other week he’d let me know he was out there. I finally gave in and met him again in February 2007. Since that time, we have seen each other 2 – 3 times per week, whenever we can. He drives a semi so I go on the road with him for a week or so at a time and it’s wonderful. It’s our escape from reality and we can laugh, joke, disagree, cry, make future plans etc. Things start getting somber on that last day out because we both know we have to return to our normal lives – he owns a small trucking firm and I am married to a farmer and have 2 kids, ages 15 and 19.

In September WE decided that it would be a good idea to get an apartment in his home town. We could be together more often that way and not have to resort to sneaking around. I furnished the apartment and moved everything in on the 7th. October was wonderful – lots of road trips, but November through February was not so great. We knew we couldn’t be together Thanksgiving so we planned our own. It got postponed because of someone else – not his wife. I put up a small Christmas tree and decorated it with special ornaments. I even wrapped several small gifts and placed them around the tree. He did not have one for me but didn’t hesitate to tell me what he bought his wife (though honestly it was a joke). He didn’t get me a birthday present or a Valentines Day present. I had already given enough and decided I was done giving to him. Still our relationship grew deeper. We became great friends as well as lovers and just enjoyed each others company. I never doubted his word, he gave me no reason to – though at times I noticed a few discrepancies on some things. Like his address and the addresses on the trucks. One day after meeting with him, I was stopped at a gas station, on the phone with him, and he drives by in the semi. He had told me he was going home. This was not on the way home. When I questioned him he said he had something to tell me but didn’t want to do it over the phone, he wanted it done in person and NO it was not that bad. I dropped the subject, but my mind was reeling. We went out on the road a few days later and I asked him what was going on. He did not live in the same city we had the apartment in. He live 30 miles away. The entire time he let me believe that he was only miles away from me as I slept there alone. He explained what had happened (it was all true) and how they came to live where they did. He said it was bugging him for a long time not telling me and that he felt so much better now that I knew. He admitted he didn’t know what I was going to do but he had a clear conscious.

written by What do I do part 2, 01 August, 2008
We still continued to see each other, still traveling all over, still loving each other and still dreaming of the day we’d be together. I have my doubts any of that will come true. I told him at the end of 2007 that I wanted things settled for both of us by the end of 2008. He agreed readily. I then thought about it for a while, knowing we both had a lot to do in that year and retracted my statement to the end of 2009. I would love to live the rest of my life with him, grow old with him, have our grandkids running around us..... BUT I’m not sure it will ever happen. He hasn’t made false promises – though he has told falsehoods- he says that one day he wants us to be together. I haven’t made any false promises to him. It will be just as hard to leave as it will be for him.

We’ve been caught 3 times now, once his wife even kicked him out. Three hours later he was back in the house telling me she begged and begged him to stay. I don’t know what to believe. My gut tells me he begged her to stay but unless I ask her directly, I’ll never know. She has total control over him. He can’t go anywhere without her calling 40 times wanting to know exactly what he’s doing and now makes weekly trips to the town our apartment is in to prevent him from seeing me. What makes me mad is that he doesn’t stand up to her and say "hay I’ve got something to do, I’ll be home later". He lets her run the show. At the same time, he bitches about her immaturity, personality etc. I truly believe he is staying because of the business – though there is not much equity in it – and she runs the office. I have enough money to pay off everything owed. Hmmmm in looking at this, maybe he does still want her. Maybe he enjoys his self imposed prison after all he did meet up with her right after serving a 10 year Federal sentence. I know this man like the back of my hand. I know he loves me as he rarely says those words and when he does say them to his wife, they are mechanical – something to keep her satisfied. With me, they are heartfelt and I know he’s telling the truth. After reading this entire page, I once again asked him if he ever planned for us to be together. His answer was yes, he sees it happening. I had asked him never to tell me something that wasn’t true so banking on his word (he’s been very honest since we talked about where he lived) I tend to believe him. He is honest in saying he doesn’t know how long it will be and to be honest myself, that really doesn’t matter as I’m far from ready to leave what I have. We are issuing no ultimatums to each other.

I do have to add here that there are times when we make love – especially at the apartment, he jumps right up and is ready to leave within a half an hour. He gets nervous and jumpy and all of a sudden thoughts of everything that needs done start flowing through his head. I attribute that to him being in prison and not being able to do the things he felt he needed to do. Now when we are on the road, it’s a different story. He is relaxed, takes his time with me, lays there and holds me until we both fall asleep. He does get hyper at times but will grab something to eat or start fidgeting with the CB etc. This is happening less and less as he becomes more comfortable with the concept of relaxing. I also need to point out that this man has never been touched – massaged. At first he fought it as he saw it as a sign of weakness but now he craves my light touches and has started learning how to give the same back. It’s a slow process with him but I know it’s because he’s experiencing feeling and sensations that no one ever took the time to give to him before. Before he would not give back – he didn’t know how. He is also slowly learning that. I also need to add that I have not slept with my husband or anyone else since he came back into my life. He says his wife has tried to initiate sex but that he can’t perform. I can’t prove or disprove him so I have to take him for his word.

So – after boring you all with this long saga of my life – what advice do you have for me. Am I going about this wrong? I haven’t put my life on hold for him though I will admit that I wake up every day hoping for those words that we are hitting the road again. Soon I’ll be returning to work and the road trips will cease. Will it be the end of us or are we already doomed? Please, please, please give me some advice here. I love this man with my entire being but I also love him enough to walk away if it’s in our best interest.
written by MOVE ON, 01 August, 2008
I AM A 31 YEAR OLD AND I AS WELL AM WITH A MARRIED 20 YEAR OLD YES I KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING WITH A 20 YEAR OLD IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. I REALLY LOVE HIM AND HE CLAIMS HE LOVES ME. I RECENTLY BROKE UP WITH HIM BECAUSE I SAW THEM TOGETHER AND I COULDN’T HANDLE IT KNOWING THAT I HAD JUST BEEN WITH HIM A COUPLE HOURS EARLIER AND NOW WE ACT LIKE STRANGERS. I STILL NEXT TO PHONE ALL DAY WAITING FOR HIM TO CALL. HE DOESN’T CALL BUT HIS BROTHER DOES ASKING ME HOW I AM DOING? AND SO ON, THE POINT IS YES IT HURTS LIKE CRAZY AND MY HEART IN BROKEN. BUT I HAVE TO MOVE ON.
written by Lied To, 02 August, 2008
Years ago when I was in therapy, I discovered having an affair made up for an abusive father.

Sex was not involved, with my MM # 1 but it was an infatuation which could have easily led to the bedroom.
We are still looking for that man who will bring us happiness, make us whole.

It deals with addiction and our heart and how we want so much to hang on hoping against hope he will leave her.

BUT THEY NEVER DO.

Oh he will promise you. My MM did.

Then as the weeks went by his story changed. My sons didn’t ask to be born. How could I possibly hurt four hearts. So that made me feel real fine.
What am I chopped liver?

Um........ yeah, just about.

This is when we become so sick and tired of his promises time and time again even though the INTIMACY is awesome.

When we find a MM and things begin to feel good and sexy; we should run like hell. It is also about lack of intimacy with our own marriage.

It kinda remind me of the PEPSI generation ~ if it feels good ~ just do it.

Don’t blame yourselves for having a NEED to be loved.
AND YES THE SEX IS ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS.

As I have mentioned in other posts there are some women who love their MM
so much they resign themselves to the fact HE SHALL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE.
Many couples live this way for years.

But after a while when the holidays come around its lonely.
Christmas day he is opening gifts with HER and he need his children.......
New Year’s Evening is spent by yourself or with friends.
Thanksgiving with your own family.

Consider your MM. It’s all about history and being married before friends and family. Decorating the holiday tree, going on summer vacations, spending time with his wife when she has their baby. Picking out furniture for their new home. Having dinner with family and friends. Their favorite restaurant. History is the glue which keeps him tied to her apron strings.

Oh he will fool around and cheat and make your heart race when he calls you on the phone or leaves an E-Mail.

OUR MM wants his CAKE and EAT it too.

Here is a wonderful cure. Do discover HE is an addiction and do treat it as such.

So how do I stop feeling so horrible. When will the pain go away?

Love yourselves more than you love him.

There is a wonderful sense of respect and FREEDOM OF HIM which quickly becomes a major factor when you realize you don’t need him.
He’s a jerk.

But, he’s not a jerk. And I still love him. What do I do?
Is he cheating on his wife? He’s a jerk.
But it feels so wonderful and I have never felt this way in my life.
I can’t leave him.

When I fell for MM #2 you would think I learned. It was so difficult. He was sexy and his English accent is amazingly charming. The thing is he told me his wife was........... I don’t have enough room to share his disgruntled feelings.

Now I know better.
Who says his wife truly is this horrible?

I believed him.

Okay there are some women who are just impossible and drive a man into the arms of another.

The desire to be loved is so OVERWHELMING we are left feeling isolated,
injured, hurt, angry and all the feelings one has when disappointment hits.

ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE ADDICTED TO HIM.
We can help each other by reinforcing the need to slowly, carefully tell him it is over. It will hurt like hell. But consider your reward.

YOU will have your self respect and I know you miss him so much you would walk through fire if you could just have one more moment with this man you love.

How much is he willing to love you?
Will he leave her and his family for you?

My problem was being STUCK. We are nurturers. We collect puppy dogs with sad eyes and loving arms.

We need to be needed and I love it when we can walk away with our head held high knowing we did the right thing. The trick is staying away.

Block his email.
Don’t take his calls.
Oh he will be on his knees begging you.

The addiction will happen all over again and it’s very difficult I know.
I broke up with my MM about 5 times. Then I just stopped.
I was an emotional mess. Therapy was necessary.

Finally there is this wonderful feeling of hell I don’t need him in my life to be complete and whole.

You know I still crave him like chocolate.
I have an alcoholic personality and found therapy to be amazingly helpful.
Sylvia is a lovely older woman with much wisdom. She got me through
so much.

Do share your hurts and pain. We can help.
I have so much respect and admiration for those struggling. One day
you shall wake and feel whole again.

Self respect out weighs lust.
If it were love he would be purchasing you a diamond and looking for a place to live.

Men cannot and usually never leave their home.
And you will notice it’s never the right time.
When the kids grow up and get married.

Ah, but that is a bigger draw for him. Now he’s a grandfather at 50-something and could never leave. The bond with his wife has become stronger.

Claire
written by kate xx, 03 August, 2008
Oh my god this site is unbelievable – you think your situation is unique only to find something like this and realize that there are so many other people going through the same sort of thing!

written by Lied To, 03 August, 2008
Hi Grown Up,

I raised four children for 10 years on my own and leaving my abusive marriage was the scariest thing I ever had to do. To my knowledge he did not cheat but the emotional, mental, and eventual physical abuse left me feeling cheated on regardless. (I felt cheated out of the life he promised me I could have when I married him.)

At the time I did not have a complete formal education and only menial job prospects.

YOU raised your children under duress and what’s so wrong with menial jobs? It is an honest living. You can always get your H.S.
education on line if you choose. Taking a typing course can go a long way.

You were able to intelligently write your post and must know how to use a keyboard. I would hire you if I were a business looking for an honest person.

In the meantime, I’m grieving.
Time will heal and I am worthy of being loved.

Yes, It is a form of grieving and thanks so much for pointing that out.
You lost the love of your life.
There is something amazing when we do find our self respect; you have.

And you will fight for your children.
Be strong.
You have helped me in many ways. I think of my MM so many times.

My addiction is strong and I can recall the lush moments.

Blessings,
Claire
written by Deep Sigh, 04 August, 2008
Wow... here I go everyone. I am 44, been married 11 years, raised two of my own children alone for almost 12 years prior to this marriage. Two years into our marriage, fighting about his ex and his family not including me as part of their family. Time goes by, a lot of fighting... affection goes away. All these years, I finally became him. About a year or so ago, he told me the reason why he wouldn’t give me affection – it was because of the fighting about his ex and his family in the earlier part of our marriage.

Ok... I always said that no matter how miserable I am, I will NEVER have an affair. I just don’t believe in it and I never had an affair. Three years ago, I moved out. Three months after moving out, I moved back in, but nothing really changed in our marriage. Basically, sex was only once a month just to keep the peace in the house. About two months ago I finally made the decision to leave.

About the same time, I saw someone that I see monthly where I work. I’ve known him about year. He was always nice, never came on to me. Next thing I know we are having lunch the next day...two days later, we met at the park and spent a lovely four hours just talking. We could not believe the similarities in our marriages. It is like I am living his life and he’s living mine. He would tell me things and I would tell him "stop! that is my life!"

My MM is everything I ever dreamed of. I know, it sounds like everyone else here. He meets me daily for lunch just to have coffee so we can see each other. He will come and spend time with me for hours on a Saturday. Even when she calls, he will talk to her in front of me.

Two incidents: about a month ago, he and his wife had a terrible fight that lasted for three days. He was so stressed by their fighting and yet having a relationship with me (at this time, we’ve been seeing each other a month and a half – we hadn’t had sex yet), so I told him to make things work with his wife. He hates it when I say that.

One week with no communication. It totally killed me. Then, out of the blue he texted me and asked if I was ok. I responded – ok. He called me, we met the next day for lunch and told each other that this must have been a test because we really couldn’t stop seeing each other.

Another month goes by. I’m Separated. MM and I seeing each other more and I’m loving it, of course. He started talking about future – I know all of this will take time. He tells me that he can’t live the rest of his life the way he is. He started talking about buying her out, she really wants to live with her family... she even picked a fight with him out of the blue saying she already filed for a divorce. Then she comes back and says she is joking and laughs at him.

Ok... they are married 30 yrs. She doesn’t work. He has even said, he doesn’t know when because of what she’ll do because of their many years together... But I understood and told him no pressure.

I reassure him that I’m be there for him. He and his wife are fighting again like cats and dogs. It seems that because of the stress of their fighting, he can’t handle "us". Then about a week and a half ago, we met for lunch. He made a comment asking me not to talk about time. Well, I got super upset and asked if he was letting me go. He said it wasn’t like that, but I didn’t stay to listen. I was so hurt.

A couple of emails back and forth about what was said; a long email putting my feelings on the other side for him to understand what I was feeling. He finally answered my last email three days later. We met last week and cried together. I totally love this man. I have never shared anything so special in my entire life. It’s as if we are both alive (like a lot of you said). I see his face when I close my eyes, I hear his voice...

He told me we are going to share all of the things we don’t have in our lives and haven’t had for years. He knows that I believe what he tells me and that I trust him. I haven’t mentioned the future, but in his way he still talks about it but I don’t elaborate on it.

I guess what I am trying to say...is that I cannot believe that I have gotten myself into this kind of situation only to read that there aren’t any happy endings here. I know someone is going to get hurt and I am not happy about that. If he leaves her, he will have to take care of her financially, but he should if he leaves her – and we have talked about it.

I just wanted to put this out there. I already know what your responses will be...but deep in my heart I only hope that we will be together. But I do promise you this, I am not good at being the other woman. I will not be able to last as many of you out there. I don’t know how you do it...
written by Lied To, 04 August, 2008
Hi Deep Sigh,

I already know what your responses will be... but deep in my heart I only hope that we will be together.

Oh honey. I hear how wonderful you feel. Don’t be so sure what we shall say. YOU ARE IN LOVE.

This is the most delicious feeling when you have been deprived for so long.
Its wonderful and you are and should enjoy the rewards.

And you will discover like many of us it is pure and special and you are the ONLY couple in the world who could feel this way.
There is a need for intimacy you lacked in your marriage.
A man who showed you little love or compassion.

Sometimes we don’t go after love. It is there and friendships become sweet and special.

Thanks for being brave. Not everyone can share intimate thoughts.

I know how if feels. To smell him, touch his face, look into his loving eyes, have him hold your hands.
There is something sweetly intimate when a couple examines their hands.
He is rugged and strong you are soft.
His hair, voice, the tone of his loving sighs. It is wonderfully exciting.

The way he walks. My MM had a limp. Somehow it made me want to hold him and keep him safe from his horrible wife.

Yes, I flew to England for a week and it was AWESOME.

When we became one, we moved heaven and earth. Our sensual moments became everything we lacked. That is when he became my addiction.
He promised to marry me. It was in our bed when he promised me.

Somehow I didn’t see it coming. He was a coward and could not face her or lose the love of his sons.

I was destroyed. What a fool I had been.
Please don’t ever believe we are here to confirm or degrade your actions.
We are here for you when things go bad and you need someone to share.

Only you can understand your needs. It is perfectly understandable why you are on to of the world. YOU love him and he loves you.
For the first time you feel special and needed.
Many couples remain in this situation for years.

Don’t despair. Right now it is wonderful.
Your world is on fire and how dare I ever tell you what to do.

I think of my MM often. As I mentioned in an earlier post I crave him like
chocolate. But he won’t leave her.

My hope is you shall have a future with a man who cherishes you.

Blessings,
Claire
written by Deep Sigh, 05 August, 2008
Claire, I think that is the most beautiful thing anyone has EVER said to me. YOU understand EXACTLY how I am feeling.

I saw him for lunch today... cute as a little boy because he does have a boyish quality about him. I just love his eyes, his face, his voice... you are soooo right. We were talking and out of the blue he asked me if I miss him. Caught me off guard a bit because first of all he never asks and I am ALWAYS telling him (just didn’t yet when I saw him).

So, I don’t know what that means.

I will keep you posted on my upcomings with him. Like I said, I totally appreciate your beautiful and kind and understanding words. Made me cry...
written by Lied To, 05 August, 2008
I don’t want to make you cry ~ but I appreciate your kind words. )

So, I don’t know what that means.

It means he loves you and misses you too.

YOU are one of the lucky ones who has someone who understand your needs and cares. Best Wishes.

Claire.
written by Lied To, 07 August, 2008
Hi New Life,

I am still torn between hope and disgust. One moment I am hoping that he will just show up, telling me that I helped him make a decision to leave her, but I know that it will probably not happen. The next moment I am disgusted with him for lying and disrespecting me. How did I ever fall in to that trap?

THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY. IT HELPED ME WHEN I WAS WEAK.
It is called LIFE HAPPENS.

I am still addicted to MM #2.

If he showed up at my door with his divorce papers I’d be most cautious. Careful not to EVER get hurt again by such a liar.

When we are in the swing of love it is grand and NOTHING in the world matters.

You are an encouragement to me. Just last week I was tempted to call and just see how he was doing. We both know my reasons were designed to try for another shot at him. HE IS MY ADDICTION. Worse than chocolate.

Blessings,
Claire
written by Lied To, 08 August, 2008
Hi What do I do,

Let’s start with some basic concerns. He spent time in prison. He lied about his wedding band, and many other situations which spells OUCH.

You breezed over the fact that he didn’t purchase you a Christmas gift but did for his wife. Nor a birthday present or one on Valentine’s day.
Hon, where do I begin?

May I share this. When you’re on the road it is fantasy time.
When you come back to your Real world. things become gloomy.
Your apartment is a way you can to play house.

I hurt for you because he is a weak man. His wife may be intimidating.
Who knows what to believe?

I DO UNDERSTAND. My 2nd MM lied and lied and lied and you know what?
It didn’t matter to me. Our intimacy outweighed all his deception and I didn’t see it until I woke up the the fact he was using me.

I understand the SEX is DELICIOUS. ~ But is there a future with this man and your children? How can I help you?

I want to tell you it will be okay, but the deception is just overwhelming.
Deep in your heart ~ you have the answer.

Blessing to you ~ be strong.
Claire
written by Deep Sigh, 10 August, 2008
Claire? Are you out there? It’s me, Deep Sigh... Another major fight with MM and his wife. When I saw him 2 days later, when I saw him, he did not reach for me, did not kiss me nor did he hug me but told me he wasn’t ready to let me go. But I knew. Last night he sent me an email, and it started out "Yo girl..." He never does that, it’s always "hi baby..." I texted him to please call me, he did a little bit later and I just knew something wasn’t right.

After getting off of the phone, I cried like a baby and sent him my post that I posted here along with our comments back and forth to each other.

Here’s what else I said:

Something is different. I don’t know what I did but all I know is that I hurt. No touching yesterday when we met and no response to my arms being around you when I hugged you.

We just talked...no miss you, no love you...

BUT IT IS OK because I know this is just way too much for the both of us.

I don’t want to feel like you have to make any more choices. All of the emotions that you have gone through with your wife and your fights with her just sadden me, because I am also getting hurt. Your wall goes up and I’m not close to you until you’ve thought about "us" for a couple of days, but I keep trying to understand. Your loyalty is with your wife. I am just a two month fling that made you feel good about yourself.

It’s getting ready to rain...I hear the thunder. So...on that note...PLEASE DON’T HATE ME. I am almost sure that you will be relieved – you don’t have to worry about me. I know I have said this before, but I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. Always and Always... I’m letting go now... and yet hoping that I will hopefully be special somewhere in your heart... always and always...

Brown Eyed Girl

This is his response:

lisa my darling, I’m so sorry that i have saddened you and broken your heart, i can’t seem to have any control on my emotions or my life for that matter, please don’t hate me for all the sadness i’ve heaped on you, a beautiful person whom i adore, i’m guilty of making decisions based on sometimes daily emotions, which only confuse and make you cry, please forgive me my beg, i will only hurt you and others if i continue my cowardice... i can’t see you to get my stuff... i can’t .... i can’t. i can’t... if you want to leave it on your porch i will pick up when you say...because i’m crying more than i can stand and i can’t take seeing you that soon in this way please.......................
i care too muchhhhhhhhhhhhh... your wrong though about a 2 month affair that makes me feel better, baby, that is NOT TRUE and can’t be.... please don’t forget me, i will never forget you, i’m sorry, i will hurt you no more... you may post this on your deep sigh if you like, they need to hear my confession of being a gutless idiot... i’m sorry, my mybeg i’m sorry...

Me now: beg is the abbreviation for brown eyed girl -that is what he calls/called me. (continue belowsmilies/smiley.gif
written by Deep Sigh, 10 August, 2008
Continued:

My response to him was this:

There is nothing wrong with a crying man. You have and will always have a beautiful heart. I have always told you that. It doesn’t change now. I respect that about you...you do have feelings and you are right, I know you. In this short amount of time, I can feel your pain, your happiness and your love.

One thing I have to comment on, please...I know you love your wife and as you continuously tell me, it is about the years you have together. We knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I love my husband. Please don’t tell me my feelings are different than yours about my marriage because I chose to leave. You are not the only one who just loves his family. You aren’t the only one confused with chaos. We love these people because they’ve been apart of our lives – 32 years or 12 year -, we’ve taken care of them, we’ve shared ups and downs, take the blame for everything that goes wrong – cripes! I can go on and on. The most important thing that is missing is togetherness ... happiness ... we exist and just accept that this is how we will live the rest of our lives.

Your wife has good qualities...My husband has good qualities. There is NO WRONG HERE...your decision isn’t wrong. My decision isn’t wrong.

Me again:
Needless to say, I am just sick. I feel empty. Deep Sigh...

written by Deep Sigh, 10 August, 2008
My first part is missing ... can you paste it prior to this one... because this doesn’t make sense without the other... Thank you!
written by Lied To, 10 August, 2008
Deep sigh, I hear your pain dear girl.

It takes 2 sometimes 3 days for my post to be read and added.
DON’T believe I am not caring or concerned for your needs.

Something is different. I don’t know what I did but all I know is that I hurt. No touching yesterday when we met and no response to my arms being around you when I hugged you. We just talked...no miss you, no love you...

He is experiencing what many of the MM go through. He is in a vacuum.
Fighting with his wife and trying to distance himself from you.

What is so very difficult is when we experience a dichotomy.
A separation of the one we desperately love.
It was wonderful. WHAT HAPPENED? ~ you ask.

Sweetie, life happens. It sounds cold but many times we are convinced we have him figured out and BAM we are hit with a shock.

One thing I would like to mention is your response to him looking like a little boy. This is the nurturing aspect of our lives to take on loving someone.

You have read the posts. WE have all been where you are with your MM.

We have all suffered. The main characteristic of many of the men is being a coward. Intimidated by their wives.
This is what I believe. He does love you. However he cannot face leaving his wife.

It HURTS like hell. Dear, do something for yourself.
Hon, you are addicted to him and my wish is for you to is to care
for yourself. It’s difficult when the wound is fresh. But I hear your anger and frustration.
YOU had visions of being with him for a long time.
What did I do wrong?

You became involved with a MM. There are rewards and heartache also.
There is that horrible sense of loss you cannot seem to rid from your soul.

Time, get involved with friends and do know he is not capable of having a relationship with a MW.
I am so very sorry. What can one say but to encourage. The men are so very predictable.

There are different stages in this process. It is like having cancer.
BTW I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy in May.

I AM CANCER FREE. Thank God. But I went through these stages and the same may apply to women who are dying inside.

There is:
Denial
Anger
Rage
Hopelessness
Coming to grips with our situation.
Healing in our soul.

Blessings to you and KNOW you can find happiness.
Be good to your self.

Claire

written by Deep Sigh, 12 August, 2008
Claire, you have been such a good support. I can’t thank you enough for being there for me. My girlfriend thought I met him for lunch today. As soon as I got back she asked where I was. I told her that I did NOT go to D&D. She thought I went there because that is where we always meet. During one of our breakups, she saw me there crying and waiting for him...hoping he would show.

But I didn’t do that today.

I do hope that he misses me. You are right, tho, I need to come to grips with this situation and that I do deserve more than this. Healing...WOW! Although I know I need to heal, it hurts terribly.

By thw way, I am very happy to hear that you are Cancer FREE!!! I will keep you in my prayers.

I don’t know if I will here from my MM...it’s stupid that I wish he would want me so much...but I know it won’t happen. Like my friend told me today...she said that when and if he decides, I will have moved on because I won’t wait.

I am afraid she is right.

Please keep in touch...
written by Lied To, 12 August, 2008
Deep Sigh,

Sweetie I continue to miss my MM. Even though I have been through hell and back there is that sense of MAYBE ~ just maybe he will change his mind.

I crave him like chocolate. BTW, you are not stupid to have deep feelings.
It’s okay to hurt. Allow yourself to heal and find peace knowing you have done the right thing for yourself.

I spent some time reading some of the posts I read when I first came here.
What is happening to our society where there is such a draw and deep passion with a married man?

Okay, something tells me as women we want to be cherished and loved.
That is a good thing.

Many of us (including me) are drawn to the BAD BOY.
Hey, if he’s cheating on his wife he’s not a saint.
No, I am not being a purist; it’s just so sad.
Sad, I continue to crave him.

Okay, Claire, DUH!!!! He’s an addiction.
What do we do with addictions?
Replace him with something healthy and sane with good morals who will
treat you with respect the way we deserve.

DON’T EVER ~ ever settle for less.

.......... but you don’t understand. We are in love.

Is it really love when you wait, and continue to wait?
Taking crumbs because his days belong to his family.
Notice how he turns a different shade when you mention his wife.

He will protect her. Love her. NEVER leave her.
So why do we screw around with these men knowing they will cause us such
anguish?

What is the LURE? Is it forbidden fruit that is so HOT and delicious?
I read so much pain and heartache. So much to take in account to think
then jump into bed.

Don’t ever think I have arrived or have all the answers. Truly I don’t.
As an editor, I see words and understand how to place them.

Thanks for your prayers and am so grateful I am whole.
My dear husband is deathly ill. The doctors give him maybe a month.
So I spend my days caring for the man I married 45 years ago.

He deserves that form me.

Blessings, Claire

written by Claire (Lied to), 12 August, 2008
I found this post and had to share it with you.
Somehow it describes why and how we are sucked
into situations we normally would warn our best friends to avoid the MM.

I could see myself and wonder how in hell could I fall for such a jerk.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Seduction-of-a-Married-Man&id=6846

Claire
written by Deep Sigh, 12 August, 2008
Claire, I am sorry to hear about your husband.

Hmmmm...My MM gave me a book to read – Crazy Love, God is Love. I read it and found to be very ok with who I am. My relationship with God could be better and I intend on working on it...but I wonder if this book is really for him.

I sent him a couple of emails about what I thought and learned about myself. He responded by asking if I have a Bible and said that I am starving for spiritual life. I didn’t respond to that email. He sent that late Sunday night.

Last night I sent him an email telling him I got my new tattoo – a new dragonfly and the words Brown Eyed Girl – because I always told him I was going to have it done. By the way, I am soooo thrilled, it looks beautiful!!! I loved it when he called me "brown eyed girl" so it means A LOT to me...and no matter what, it always will. Anyway, he didn’t respond.

He has an appt with us on Friday and last week he didn’t remember the date or time. So, I sent him an email this morning Subject: Your appt is .... And in the body of the note, I said have a nice day. He responded: u2, thanx

Isn’t that wonderful?!! Oh well. I can’t imagine that his life is wonderful at home – ESPECIALLY when they did nothing but fight.

But you are right, Claire...why put ourselves second? Why settle for less? You are right! I don’t deserve that and I shouldn’t do that to myself. But as you...I still miss him. CRAZY!!!!
written by Claire (Lied to), 13 August, 2008
Hi Deep Sigh,

Thank you for your concern.

He’s suffered with Parkinson’s for so long and Hospice has been wonderful. We have already made our pre-arranged funeral.
It sounds ghoulish but when his time comes it will be easy for our children.

This time I shall dote on him and make his last days wonderfully loving.
We hold each other and speak of our wonderful children.

He’s still able to share his thoughts. It takes a while for him to form the words. The tremors are difficult for him and makes him feel uncomfortable.

May I quote a poster. "Every woman involved with a married man should read the book "MY LOVER IS A LIAR".

We truly need all the resources to encourage us to STOP the madness.
Blessings,
Claire

written by Evilyn, 13 August, 2008
I have been seeing a MM for 6 months now. We were together 17 years ago but because he couldn’t choose between myself and someone else I left him. He married the other person 10 years ago and he & I lost contact for 17 years. We found each other again and when we saw each other it was like no time had passed between us. I love him with all my heart and I believe he loves me as well. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life and I am afraid. He never says he will leave her and I never ask. Sure I want to be with him but I kinda like things the way they are. We see each other once a month and enjoy every minute together. I want to relocate to be closer to him. I have been married twice and both times sucked. I just feel like what we have is ok the way it is so why change things?? If it meant to be it will be.
written by Deep Sigh, 14 August, 2008
Hi Claire...I’m very sorry to hear about your husband’s illness. There is nothing ghoulish about making arrangements for your loved ones, especially when you know the end is coming. I actually want my arrangements to be done without my children knowing about it when my time comes.

I am glad that you and your husband are able to spend whatever time he has being able to communicate and share this time together holding, loving and talking about your children. Memories are a wonderful thing.

I will keep you in my prayers.

My Lover is A Liar? I am gonna have to check it out. Still no word from my MM – but I expected it...and I think I am ok with it – except I cried last night! I need to stop!! I am getting stronger!
written by quest, 14 August, 2008
Another good book is Smart Woman/ Foolish Choices.
written by Lost in Love, 20 August, 2008
We all suffer from this addiction. Breaking the addiction is impossible for me, specifically because I don’t want to break the addiction.

I, like all of you, love this man with all that I am. I feel empty without him. I believe EVERYTHING he tells me. I have faith in us.

I have been in a relationship with this man for 17 months now. He filled out his divorce paperwork and had it notarized in March. He and his moved moved to separate residences in May.

Yet, he hasn’t filed the paperwork yet. I believe him when he says he wants to make sure she’s ready for the divorce, specifically financially. They share a little boy who he doesn’t want to leave.

Two weeks ago he told me if he had to chose between his son and me, he would chose me because he couldn’t live the rest of his life knowing he let me go. This week he told me that if he had to go back to his son he would.

This question is, is he really going back to his son or is it about going to back to her? I know all about the comfort zone. I spent nine years in the comfort zone, it’s all I knew until I had the courage to leave.

I don’t believe he loves his wife. I hear the way they speak to each other. She knows the divorce is pending; he knows the divorce is pending; I don’t know if the divorce is pending. Why wait? If he truly wanted to be there with me wouldn’t he already be there? Okay, I know the answer to that.

I know this man loves me. I know it by the look in his eyes, the touch of his hand, the sound of his voice, the tenderness of his love. I know this man loves me.

I have read all of the entries here and know I am no different than any of you who have lost your loves, but I hold out hope. I have faith in us. I believe we will prevail. I pray for us. I pray hard that God will help us. I have never wanted anything so badly in my entire life.

I know the suggestion is to move on. I know the suggestion is to just stop. Stop talking, stop wondering, stop thinking. It all sounds so easy, but we all know better.

I wonder, do these things ever work out to our benefit? Truly? After reading all of these I don’t remember seeing anyone say that they have started their lives with their love. Am I holding out for something that won’t be?

I have faith; afterall, he moved out, he got the papers and while he thinks he has all of the papers (she actually removed all of the notarized ones) he has NOT turned them in. Am I waiting for the inevitable, "I’m not filing for divorce."?

Please tell me what you think. Please share your advice, even the advice about leaving. I need to know if my hope is a balloon that keeps growing and growing until it pops. Thank you all for your wisdom.
written by CClaire, 22 August, 2008
Lost in Love,

My heart is acing for you. You are an intelligent woman who knows deep in your heart the outcome of your fate with your MM.

You have faith in the illusion of what you see before you. His tenderness. The way he strokes your hair and whispers in your ear. The number of WONDERFUL delicious moments of intimate pleasure. Who would want to leave this?

Then YOU wake up one morning and realize I am not number one in his life.
I am being tossed around like an old shoe.
You must become angry enough to break it off.

Have you actually seen the divorce papers?
If not – demand to see them.
If he cannot look you in the eye, then you know he’s lying.

You mentioned you don’t want to break the addiction. It is a painful process one cannot do it alone. Therapy was necessary for me. My heart was broken in a million pieces.

Blessings to you and your decision.
Claire

written by J. Charman, 24 August, 2008
I am 33 and have only had a few boyfriends to speak of throughout my life. I have seen so many other peoples bad relationships and the unhappiness this brings them that I decided a long time ago that I would rather be on my own if I couldn’t be with the man who is my soul mate and I am supposed to be with.

I became friends with a MM and this friendship grew over a year but very recently he told me that he had very strong feelings for me, I then told him that I felt the same way. After a very brief affair, which was the most intense time of my life, and his too, we both realized that we were completely in love. He explained to me that although he loves his wife they do not have a physical relationship and I know that he does not get from her all he desires within a relationship/marriage. They have been together for 20 years and had been childhood sweethearts. He told me that he had to tell her everything about our feelings for each other and what had happened over the time we spent together. He has told her everything and when he did, he told her that he was going to leave her. She was understandably very hurt by all of this. What ever she has said to him after that has made him make the decision that he cannot leave her. He says that he has already hurt three people and doesn’t want to hurt anyone else (ie, his and her families) He also says that he is trying to do the right thing.

I am in a complete state of shock over the whole situation at the moment, the main reason being that I do not have the man I love with all my heart by my side. I feel like I am never going to get over this even though People tell me constantly that I will and it’s just a matter of time. I truly feel that we are meant to be together, he told me that he feels the same.

I can’t help but hold onto a little bit of hope that he will decide to follow his heart and not stay within a marriage he is not completely happy with.

Each day is a battle for me and I don’t quite know how to live this life of pain and suffering. I wonder if I should fight for him, would that even make a difference?

JJ (Looking for answers)
written by Lied To, 24 August, 2008
Hi J J,

Your situation is so much like my own it is scary.

First it is important to recognize HE cannot be trusted.
He tells you he cannot hurt them; but he can hurt you.

Yes, I understand.

You shared intimate times together and he is the love of your life.

DO NOT EVER believe him when he says my wife and I aren’t sleeping
together.

I heard that line until he slipped once and explained they only have sex 2 times a week instead of 4. That was after he told me they hadn’t slept together for years.

YOU will get over this. It’s getting from feeling horrible to feeling much better.

There is a wonderful sense of power in yourself when the anger boils and you discover you don’t need him in your life.

I wish there was a magic pill to take for these feelings to evaporate.
We understand what you are going through. It is horrible.
Your heart is breaking and your soul feels empty.

Each day is a battle for me and I don’t quite know how to live this life of pain and suffering.

It will hurt until the anger quells the pain.

Someone mentioned this book. Smart Woman/ Foolish Choices.
Read all you can about relationships and how to empower yourself.

Blessings to you.
Claire
written by a little wisdom, 25 August, 2008
Sometimes people get caught up into affairs and then realize that that they are in more than they had planned on. Getting out of it can be difficult because they do not want to hurt the other person and there’s no easy way to do it and the longer the affair the more harder it gets!! Sometimes immaturity make us do and say things we are sorry for later. Affairs are hurtful and they are not the answer to relationship problems.
written by Lied To, 25 August, 2008
A little wisdom.

How about the best post yet! You have tons of wisdom and if I had known then what I know now, NO way in hell I would ever allow myself to fall for such a jerk.

Firstly they are already cheating on their wives.
That is the first clue.
Oh I know. They will tell you she doesn’t understand.
Guess what? That is sheer BS.

Claire.
written by lonely_in_txs, 26 August, 2008
I have read every post here, mine I will tell in a story I wrote.

~Triangle of Loneliness~

She lay in her bed alone, worse ? lonely, 324 miles away from her lover and missing him terribly. The smoothness of her sheets felt cool to her naked flesh, the heat of her tears stung her cheeks as she tried to understand the whole thing. What was she doing? There were so many questions, so few answers on this long sleepless night as she turned again trying to find a comfortable position. The morning light couldn?t come quickly enough to suit her needs; the next encounter seemed so far away. She loved being in his arms, loved him with a passion she had never felt for another in her whole life. It seemed to take forever for them to finally meet, but was it too soon to give up on what they had found? It was so easy when they were together, everything was easy. But the being apart was growing increasingly more difficult and the demons wouldn?t let her rest, she despised the deception.

He lay in his bed not alone, but worse ? lonely, 324 miles away from his lover and missing her terribly. They had just spent the last week together and now it was the withdrawal symptoms that kept him awake at night. He longed for her soft touch and those lips that tasted so sweet. He wanted to run his fingers down her spine and find the warmth that he had grown accustomed to. There was no warmth in his bed and hadn?t been for going on 15 years. He wasn?t looking when he found her, but he knew that she had awakened in him something that had been dead for a very long time. He felt horrible that he couldn?t call her today, he couldn?t hear her voice, and he couldn?t tell her how much he loved her. He knew that it would make a long and painful night for her and he just wanted to reach out to pull her in close. There were many things he knew, but there was so much more he didn?t. He knew that he loved her, he just didn?t know what to do about it, and the bottom line was that he was petrified.

She lay in her bed not alone, but worse ? lonely, two feet away from the husband that she had gradually grown apart from over the past 15 years. She felt as though they had nothing in common anymore except for their daughter. There were so many questions and she had none of the answers. She felt a gulf, an even larger distance than there had been in the past and she suspected that he was having an affair but she didn?t know for sure. All the signs were there, and the biggest sign of all was that he hadn?t approached her for sex in almost four months, not that she minded, it was more of a relief that she didn?t have to fake it. She just didn?t know what to do about him; the bottom line was that she was petrified.

It is easier to stay with a routine than to upset the apple cart, so life goes on and people live unhappily for years. It is easier to live in fear of what might happen rather than take that leap of faith and make a change that would better the future. Things seem too good to be true, or maybe that is a way of justifying the inaction. There are so many questions left unanswered, so many thoughts left unsaid out of fear. Fear drives us, it rules us, and it overtakes us until we are numb. Numbed into a routine of loneliness, and in this case a triangle of loneliness. And everyone finds it hard to sleep at night.
written by Lied to, 27 August, 2008
Triangle of Loneliness,

I am willing to edit your story ~ pro bono before you post.

Claire
written by Lied to, 28 August, 2008
karter , March 09, 2008
Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don’t leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don’t leave.

I hear your pain. I understand.

YOU CAN TURN YOURSELF INSIDE OUT ~ and it won’t mean a damn thing.

Claire
written by Neon, 04 September, 2008
"Fear" is the word here. Indeed, it takes a lot of guts to walk away from a secure relationship, especially when there are children involved. I have known someone for about 7 months now – I know in my heart he is the only person on this planet that could ever be right for me. However, we are both married and in "secure" relationships – walking away would be terrifying for both of us. Having spent so many years with our partners, the very thought makes us feel sad. However, should we find ourselves in a position one day whereby we do find the courage to be truly happy, I will certainly eat my hat! We are NOT having a physical affair at all.. no sex, no dirty talk, nothing – we simply talk every week, and as time goes by, we share more. This is indeed, how things develop. I know he is right for me, as he is nothing like the men I have always ended up with (for reasons of security). He is simple, not rich, he doesn’t even dress fine (and none of it matters to me), we simply click. When I am not in contact with him, I miss him terribly.. he belongs in my life. Go figure!
written by Lost in Love, 04 September, 2008
The answer is that I have seen the divorce papers for my love. In fact, he asked me to look over them to make sure everything was correct. When I looked over them I found that ALL of the notarized documents were missing. Last night I revealed this to him and now he is very mad. Initially he said, "Where are they?" I said, "I don’t know, they weren’t there when I looked over it." I could tell he was very mad. Now he won’t say anything to me about anything. I have a feeling he is very mad at the woman he is trying to divorce, but he appears to be upset with me as well.

I still believe in us. I have so much faith in all that we are. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but to see him this upset is frustrating. Even more frustrating is the fact that I can’t do anything about it.

I’m quite sure I know what happened to the notarized documents. If one was missing it would be easy to say it was misplaced, but all six are missing. I’m sure when they were moving to separate residences she took the paperwork and removed the documents. I can’t help but wonder if she kept them or destroyed them. If she destroyed them then he has to reaccomplish everything. I know he’s really mad about this, but also know there is nothing I can do.

My love does love me; I know this. I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his touch, I hear it in his voice. Claire, you have given me good, sound advice and now I’m reaching out to you again and anyone else who is listening. I love this man more than anything else in the world and would do anything for him, for us. Please help me.
written by Lied to, 05 September, 2008
Lost in Love,

I just read your heart warming post. I would suggest this. Any Notary can provide new documents. Check with a notary or a lawyer if you are concerned.
It seems unusual they should vanish.

Let me ask you this. Did you see the notarized documents and then somehow they were not there OR you never did see the notarized documents at all?

YOU ARE SO MUCH IN LOVE. Nothing I can say will help the pain.

There is a trait I noticed in my 2nd MM where he felt the need to be domineering. If I ever questioned him he would become irate.

This is what you are experiencing and for me to advise you of your heart felt love for this man is and must be your choice.
You can sense something is amiss.

When I flew to England for a week we lived like teenagers. So much in love.
It was his smile, the wonderful sexy English accent. I could see it in his eyes and his voice as well.

Then I began to speak of his family and how would I fit into his life.
Towards the end of our honeymoon he became sullen, angry.

I loved my MM more than life itself. He was amazingly wonderful.

When I began a life without my MM it was certain my life would come to an end. The pain was unbearable. I knew of a lovely woman named Sylvia who was my therapist with other issues. She helped me find my sanity.

If only there was a magic pill to reduce your agony.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. AND IT IS JUST HORRIBLE.

It is okay to seek therapy and counsel. It will help you get through the hard
road if this does not work out.

Here is an option. Let’s say he does indeed want to leave his wife and have a life with the woman he truly loves. You have to be so sensitive to his needs and yet look out after yourself as well.

I don’t know this man’s heart. My MM and I were the ONLY two people in the world who were deeply in love. Until I began to ask question and then he realized he could never leave home.

Blessings,
Claire
written by Red Rose, 06 September, 2008
Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences of
MM. It is so easy to get caught up in the moment. My story is one of finding your first love after 24 years. He was my first everything and I often wonder about him... actually I never got over him in the first place. I was the one to walk away when I was 19 after being involved with him for 2 years. I am a married woman of 23 years, unhappily for the last 10.
I got this bright idea to look him up and contact him with an email. Well he quickly responded stating he was married but not happily and they were living like roommates for the past 10 years with sex about once every 3 months. I didn’t mention anything in my first email about being unhappy...and then there it was in black in white the man I dreamt about for years telling me how unhappy he was and how he never got over me, always thought of me including on his wedding day. Well we continued to email and then came the phone calls. He told me his wife actually left him for about 2 years than got sick couldn’t afford to live on her own and asked to come home. Him being the nice guy he is said yes. Well instead of getting better she got worse and went on disability... she has seizures and a host of other problems mainly depression she goes to the hospital on a regular basis but they can never tell her anything else is wrong with her. Her doctors suggested she seek professional help with a therapist, and she refuses.
She is home all day yet she doesn’t do any cleaning, no laundry, no cooking, etc. She has a 21 year old son from a previous relationship. He has taken care of his stepson since he was a baby. He goes to work does all the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. Hell he even makes her doctors appointments takes her there. She is capable of doing all these things but is constantly saying how tired she is. The only thing she likes to do is go the casinos and she is fine when she is there but as soon as they start to leave it’s she so dizzy etc. She told him if she wasn’t so sick she probably would have never came home. Well needless to say my mm feels like a gloried butler and not a husband. My mm kept pushing to see me just see me he said. I laughed because I told him we both knew where it was headed. He pleaded and begged and I gave in. I was so lonely, I haven’t been with my own husband intimately in years. So I was yearning for the attention and love that was offered. My mm promised me the moon and the stars, asked me to marry him when he divorced his wife. Constantly thanked me for coming back into his life. The only catch was he needed time to ween his wife off him. Because Lord knows 10 years wasn’t long enough. Told me if she found out about us she would never forgive him.... Well you guessed it. Not only did she find out but she knows that he loves me he told her that he always loved me that I was the person he should of married. She left for 1 day...Told him she needed him because she was sick and that she was sorry for neglecting him all these years. She begged him for a chance to make it better and you guessed it he’s giving to her because he feels an obligation to her not love but obligation. I know everything he told me is true because when he was on the phone with me she was right beside him listening to him profess his undying love for me... which pretty much leaves me confused, betrayed and brokenhearted. I feel more alone now than I did before we rediscovered each other. I feel like such a fool. Moral of the story is even when a man truly loves you there is no guarantee that he will leave his life of obligation and complacent to be with you. I am completely devastated and constantly yearn for his touch.
written by some wisdom, 06 September, 2008
There is so much deception here! It doesn’t matter about the wife how good, bad, beautiful, ugly, clean, or dirty it’s what "HE" tells you and what he wants you to know in "his favor". Whether he goes back to his wife or not, he’s not looking for a another commitment just you being available for him is enough.
written by Lied to, 06 September, 2008
Some Wisdom,

I do agree with the DECEPTION and yes, they are amazingly controlling.

As long as I made him feel important and didn’t cause any friction my MM was fine. When I shared my needs; he went into depression and blamed me.

I did a survey over 3 years and discovered most married men need the other woman. They have a lovely wife, (who provides him all the sex he wants.)
Along with children, a fine business, and their lives are in order.

Soon the other woman comes upon the scene and he is usually feeling older, not as attractive when he was in his 30’s. He feels threatened.

WHEN HE TELLS YOU, "I HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN MONTHS WITH MY WIFE."
Really, now. When will a man ever say no to sex with anyone; especially his wife.

The deception is outstanding.

AND WOMEN BUY THIS ALL THE TIME. Mostly because they know if they saw the truth of who this man truly is; it is heartbreaking.

Denial is one of the major contributors to the other woman in believing he loves only her alone.

Thanks for your input.
Claire
written by Lied to, 07 September, 2008
Hi Red Rose,

So much history and sadness. You find one another only to be held captive
by his wife’s miserable state of illness.

You mentioned the word obligation. I sense he loves you very much and is trapped in a marriage where he shall always do everything.

Some men for one reason or another allow their wives to treat them like a cow pie. I have never figured that out.

From what you describe his wife is clinically depressed and the mere fact she refuses therapy is an indication of such.

He will continue to do the shopping, make the meals, clean the house and anything that will elevate any form of discomfort for his wife.

My best to you in this very difficult situation.

Claire
written by Red Rose, 07 September, 2008
Dear Claire,

Thank you so much for your input. Talking to someone who doesn’t judge you or actions is extremely uplifting. Reading similiar posts make me feel that I am not alone and helpful. I think about mm all the time. At times I feel haunted by his love, his eyes burning in to the depth of my heart and soul. Telling me over and over to trust him, he loves me and my personal favorite when he sees his future, he sees me by his side as his wife, lover and soul mate. The way things were suppose to be. Don’t worry will be together and all the other promises. Then he folds like a deck of cards. The wife was right there when he told me he loved me and always would. She said if it was just about sex he could continue to see me but she knows that he loves me and that makes a difference to her. Please the only thing she sees is her provider/butler leaving. It makes me so angry that she actually said if she was well enough she probably wouldn’t be there in the first place. She doesn’t want to go to counseling because of her other issues. She doesn’t want someone telling her or him there is nothing wrong with her other than her depression. Even his own mother and brothers told him to leave her and have been for years. His mother and brothers were thrilled we were involved again. For me it’s like watching someone you love drowning and your trying to send him a life preserver but it misses, and he is engulfed in the darkness of the water. He feels a great deal of obligation to her and also states he can’t walk out on her because she is sick. I do truly love him and I want him to be happy even if it’s not with me. But to waste our second chance at happiness... makes me so angry. Fate can be so cruel.
written by some wisom, 07 September, 2008
Dear Claire, Your experience will be helpful to alot of woman. Sometimes it alot of pain as a growing lesson. Another book that might be helpful is How To Survive Your Boyfriends Divorce: Loving your Separated Man Withot Losing Your Mind by Roby’n Todd and Lesley Dorman.
written by Lied to, 07 September, 2008
Hi Red Rose,

I have no problem with a married couple that prefers a more traditional marriage, one where the husband works and the wife takes primary responsibility for the kids and the house. In fact, most of the people I know have situations that are exactly like that.

He is is an impossible marriage. Especially how he caters to her every whim, is borderline psychotic on her part.

When my husband was well he loved to cook. But I always did the shopping and make sure the bills are paid on time.
Most women pick up the kids, take them to the library, and off to the pediatrician’s office when ill. Very rarely do men do laundry. Yet some do.

In your MM’s situation he is indeed a butler.
And you must ask yourself why in hell does he continue to remain with her; especially with his family pleased by your renewed dalliance.

He feels a great deal of obligation to her and also states he can’t walk out on her because she is sick. I do truly love him and I want him to be happy even if it’s not with me. But to waste our second chance at happiness... makes me so angry. Fate can be so cruel.


He is not a cad. He does not have a wife who is turning herself inside out for his love and does everything for him; and then some.

Your MM is the victim of a very ill woman. And she uses this to hold onto him even though she is aware of your situation with him at this time.

Best of Wishes to the man you love.

Claire
written by Lied to, 08 September, 2008
Hi some wisdom,

Thank you for your kind words. I am just like the rest of you. Hurting and a survivor. I don’t have a PHD nor a therapist.

Wonderful for providing the book titles. Terrific!!!!

Here is something to smile at. For those who watch HOUSE, MD but couldn’t
find the name of the music during this great piece of music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yX57LvxDko&feature=related

The Who plays Baba O’Riely.

And those delicious blue eyes. YUM.

Sorry I just could not resist.

Claire
written by empty hope, 09 September, 2008
Hi,

Like many of you that have written here before me, I find myself writing an echo of words that I have just read, and the little voice in my head that kept telling me ‘we’ were different has suddenly become very quite, as I realize that I am not unique nor am I alone in my grief.

This is my story...

I met my married man (MM) 7 years ago, we worked in the same company, just over 4 years ago we became friends, I can honestly say I never meant it to turn into anything, I new he was married I simply saw him as a friend, but soon we realized that we were more alike than we had ever imagined, that we shared the same thoughts, dreams desires etc... He too told me that he hadn’t been happy in his marriage (married the time only one year) said that he had got engaged because it seemed the right thing to do at the time, only to be standing at the isle knowing that he was about to make the worst mistake of his life. claimed after the first year of marriage that he and his wife became more like flatmates, that they had no longer been intimate (because he didn’t feel right) it was easier just to avoid their differences than to confront them. So our affair continued going from being best friends, to being intimate lovers, we saw each other a lot, but then the circumstances changed, his wife lost her job and decided she didn’t want to work anymore(she is 27, he is 32, I am 25) so it meant we saw each other less and less, it was during the later time of our relationship that our time together became less frequent a stolen minute here and there, and despite the fact that he said he was waiting for her to leave him, that he was afraid she would do something crazy like suicide and couldn’t bear the guilt of destroying her life, I still found him doing silly things like.. if he had called to see me, he would check to see if there was any hair on his jumper or something stupid like that. and its this that made me think-if you want her to leave you so bad, why do you keep her so happy ???

I am not the type of person who set’s out to have an affair or destroy anyone’s life (in fact I don’t think the majority of us here are) I do not want to be the person who looks back 10years from now, even more lonely than I am now, having spent my life waiting on him to leave. So just over 3 weeks ago I told him that I wasn’t prepared to play fishing with him any more, that i was tired of being there for everyone else and nobody being here for me, simply because i had fabricated a world of lies around me in order to sustain my relationship with him, and yet my relationship with him existed simply in the shadows, of i life that i had never seen. So I told him ‘No more’ no more contact, that I cannot be the person he needs me to be, because being there for him is destroying means loosing who I am. And so for 3weeks now, I have not heard his voice, nor seen his face. As much as I want to, I no I am strong enough now not to give in to it all, because the truth is affairs r bitter sweet and there is a lot more bitterness than sweetness.

Do I love him? yes, more than I have ever loved anyone. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t secretly hoping that he would leave her and come looking for me, but the truth is, I do not want to be the reason he leaves, If he wants to make a go at his marriage that’s fine by me, But should he decide and realize that he cant live in the falseness that has become his life, should he decide that he wants to leave, then he will be doing it for him-not me. after that perhaps we can try to have a normal relationship, but the truth is when your heart has been born and broken by the same man, how could you ever know if you would really want him, what happens when the pain out weighs the pleasure?
written by Rosie1234321, 09 September, 2008
I, like so many of you am involved with a married man. About three years ago I had booked to go on a skiing holiday to france to visit a friend who was working over there, but a couple of weeks before I was due to go my friend returned home having been injured... having already paid for the holiday and looking forward to it I decided to go anyway... although all the way to the airport I was in two minds about should I go or shouldn’t I. I did, and met a lovely group of people who I was able to join in the day. This is where I met him, and the connection I had with him was unlike any i had had before... Yes I knew he was married, but never the less three years on and I can honestly say I have never loved anyone so much as i love him... he is my counselor, best friend, lover, soul mate and so much more. He is a great person, who I have a tremendous amount of respect for. I don’t think anyone can understand what it is like to be involved with a married man unless they have been there themselves, or have the right to judge. We can’t help who we fall for in life, it is a fact that cannot be changed. I know ultimately, that as I would never have the heart to ask him to leave his family and I know he loves them too much to anyway, that I have two choices... either put up with things how they are... reading these posts and seeing how affairs can last for years... or I can end things, sooner rather than later... not really wanting to, but fearing that it will mean less hurt in the long run. Believe me I have thought about this so much, and I still don’t know which would be best or which I am likely to do. I do believe in destiny and fate and believe that this is what first bought us together. and I believe that he loves me just as much as I do him. It is a hard decision. I never have or ever will want any sympathy from anyone, friends, or family when I do get hurt or now when i am hurting because I know that ultimately I put myself in this situation... but a little understanding from people that people like myself who are having an affair can hurt just as much and are not bad people who set out to ruin peoples lives would go a long way. No I am not a gold digger, home wrecker, yes he is older than me, but no I am not looking for a father figure, yea we have things in common, more than a lot of people in relationships who I know have, no it’s not just about sex, and no I am not looking for security, financially or emotionally. And finally, Yes I know who I am, where I myself am going and want to be in my life. This is just one part of my life and it does not make me a bad person.
written by Lied to, 10 September, 2008
Hi empty hope,

Human behavior is a funny animal. There are parts of our nature to be attracted to the opposite sex. You found someone who was vulnerable, lonely and when you fell in love it was MAGIC.

Then things seemed to change for him and his wife. Notice how she is always will and forever will be his only true concern. As deeply as it hurts unless you walk away you will live a torturous life of misery.

Stolen moments dear girl are crumbs. And you wait and wait to what avail?

As much as I want to, I no I am strong enough now not to give in to it all, because the truth is affairs are bitter sweet and there is a lot more bitterness than sweetness.

This is the beginning of healing for you. I know you love him; but consider your own emotional health.

In all the post I read there are very few truly happy outcomes.

But, there is hope. YOU will find your own dignity and self worth w/o him.
No person deliberately goes out looking to be injured.
Yet, I do know of some women who do this to be punished from some disturbing childhood issues.. It’s from an earlier bad relationship with a father image.

Much of our addictions stem from failing father/daughter relations.
Some of the women I have spoken with are in denial of a bad relationship with dad.

I hear your pain and wish for a magic pill to take you from point A to point C without hurting.
I guarantee you will find another who will love you and cherish you and is single. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Once then twice never again.

Blessings to you,

Claire
written by Lied to, 10 September, 2008
Hi Rosie,

I can honestly say I have never loved anyone so much as i love him... he is my counselor, best friend, lover, soul mate and so much more.

This concerns me greatly. No man should be any woman’s counselor. It’s a way of control w/o the woman suspecting.

You seem to have things in order with your head and heart. I don’t think you are a bad person. I sense a call for help but then not.

Best wishes.
Claire
written by destiny hopes....for Rosie, 11 September, 2008
Hi Rosie,

I read your post an almost felt like I was writing it myself! The words and emotions are so familiar, along with the unspoken confusion.
You see I like you began an affair just over 4years ago, I fell in love with a man I never set out to, and it didn’t take long to realize that he was my soulmate, he became my best friend, my soulmate, my confident. Even though people may say it is impossible our relationship with each other is the most honest either of us has ever been with another person, we tell each other everything, nothing is left out. I love him more than I ever loved anyone or anything, an i no he feels the same about me, Hes not the type of guy that has random affairs, we were emotionally involved long before we crossed the line than into physical.
He has been married for 7 years, we have been having an affair for just over 4. but the truth is the more time that slips by the less we see of each other, the more discrete we had become, I always felt like I was canceling everything in the hope that he would ring, text or visit, afraid that I would be doing something else and miss an opportunity with him, it was always when it suited him, ALWAYS, I was always there for him, and yet he was rarely there for me.
His problem is he claims to be unhappily married, he has no children but he and his wife are the only relationship either of them has had, he claims he is afraid to leave her...in case she cant cope and does something crazy, He wants her to just give up on their marriage so that it is easier.
The thing is as time goes by and the deeper you get involved the lonelier you become, all the parties, special occasions, friends weddings etc... these are all things you do alone, pretending to be happy and uninterested in the opposite sex, claiming that being single is great! yet inside your heart is breaking, as you hear a song that reminds you of him, you feel like your searching everyplace for a familiar face-his face, only to feel more empty, bitter, lost and alone, you cry yourself to sleep until the tears run dry, you wake up cursing, wishing that you could have stayed asleep because dreaming is easier than the reality that has become your life. Slowly you start to realize that everyone close to you is moving on with their lives and yet you are standing completely still, the world continues to move around you, and yet everything stays the same.

I love my mm, of that I have no doubt. I know he loves me too. But this is the reason that several weeks ago I decided to let him go...
Because in the midst of my confusion, I began to hate him and myself. and I don’t want to hate him, nor so I want to regret anything we have shared together. So I asked him to respect my wishes and not contact me. I feel that in order for us to move on with our lives we need to first overcome the situation. I believe in destiny and faith as much as you, but I felt like I was walking around in circles. As much as I know I’ll miss him, I know I’m doing whats right for both of us, you see as far as I could see he had the easy life, me when ever he wanted or needed me, whilst still playing happy family’s with his wife. So I have removed myself from the situation-completely. This way he will be forced to realize, either he wants to work at his marriage or he wants his freedom.

I personally feel that he truly wants to be with me, but he cant see a way out. Now without me he will be forced to see things for what they really are.
I will continue my life for me, trying to enjoy me relief and freedom. I have decided to secretly give him 1year (I am still young) if in that year his life either remains as is now or improves with his wife I will let go forever. If however within that time he realizes how much He claims I mean to him and changes the circumstances of his life i will willingly take him back...

After all if we are destined to be together then we shall, and whats a year out if we end up together anyway!

So take my advice young Rosie, get out now enjoy life and the freedom you have, give it a while, if its meant to be, then be it shall.
If its not then you’ll find whatever it is that is, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger! x x x

Good luck, I know it’ll be hard, but perhaps in its own crazy way it will make things easier... Perhaps its not the end at all...simply the beginning to the end, of the start! have faith and give destiny room to breath x x x x
written by What Do I Do?, 11 September, 2008
Thanks for your advice Claire. The funny thing is, I see all that is wrong in our relationship. My gut tells me this will never work. I know he won’t take the chance of losing his trucks by leaving her. He once told me he wants his company to be successful and that the trucks are like his children – though he denies saying that. I know he loves me and had it been another time or another place, yes we would already be together. I’m slowly detaching myself from him. He doesn’t fully understand yet as I haven’t said anything. I’ve made my mind up and don’t want any influence from him. My problem is I just can’t stop cold turkey and I know I need to. Your advice was great. He is a weak man and I have pointed that out numerous times. He denies it but when his wife says jump, he does. Funny how much clearer we see things when we take the time to write it all down. Seeing it and taking action are 2 different things though – the latter being the hardest. I’m going to have a long talk with him tomorrow about all of this. It’s nothing we haven’t been over before but he needs reminded, as do I, of how things really are. Yes our road trips are a fantasy world and the apartment is playing house. My real world sucks to be honest with you but it’s REAL. I just wish I could make myself have those feelings towards my husband. He’s the best guy you could ever ask for, I just have no passion for him. Wish me luck and thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It’s been a big help.
written by Lied to, 11 September, 2008
Destiny Hopes,

It is so good to see others share their stories as we are all here to encourage and help when things get bad.

In my experience they usually go down hill quickly.
It was refreshing. She needs to get out and enjoy life.
The healing process begins when we do and can be with family and friends.
But mostly when she perceives this as an addiction and treats it as such.

Claire
written by Lied to, 11 September, 2008
What do I do,

You may not realize it yet, but you are on the road to recovery from your MM.

But, as you mentioned fantasy can only last for so long.
Dear, I too had the greatest husband who did not deserve my deception.

When they say one must really work at a marriage to keep it alive, it means to focus on his positive aspects.
Sometimes it seems impossible to look at the man you are married to and have any feelings at all.

I had to deal with this from another approach. Even though we’ve been married for eons I recalled what it was about him that TURNED ME ON.
It is amazing how going over your wedding album does to your heart.

Give tour marriage all you can. No, you are not being a hypocrite. This is the man you are married to and you have children together.

Your MM may love you but like most MM they cave and cannot leave.
We have all experienced the I cannot be without him. It is horrid.

My real world sucks to be honest with you but it’s REAL. I just wish I could make myself have those feelings towards my husband.

But there is much more and you can grow to love him again. I did. When I couldn’t stand to have him touch me. It was difficult.

Hang in. You’re doing good. It’s difficult and we’re all here for you.
Blessings to you.
Claire.
written by some wisom, 12 September, 2008
A book that was very helpful in my own recovery was called "His Needs/Her Needs. Years ago, I read a book called the Peter Pan Syndrome, when men do not want to grow up.... Wendy is the wife and Tinker Bell is the other woman!!! It all help me understand my own behavior and how woman and men behave differently.
written by EverConfused, 12 September, 2008
How it happened?
It started 7 months ago... We were completely strangers to each other. I was heartbroken and became bitter with every guy I would bumped into. I have a 1 year old kid and I was still struggling to start my life over again as a single mom. Then I met him. We are on the same company, I was new so in my first weeks of work, I barely see him, doesn’t even know that he existed. As they say, many things happen in the workplace, meeting new people, getting to know them and some other people even find marriage in the workplace. But also, I quote, "According to all the latest statistics, the workplace has become the #1 place for married people who engage in infidelity to meet the other person". Why say so? Because as we all know, people begin to get to know one another well when working together. The workplace offers lots of interaction, travel, projects and long work hours, all of which lead to members of the opposite sex who share many common attributes growing close. . . .
I guess you are finally getting to see the picture here. . . Yes, I am one of those who got involved with affairs in the workplace. I am starting to build a relationship with an MM.
Like I’ve said, we were strangers, then we get to work together. . . The unavoidable closeness that led to friendship. We end up spending a great deal of time, on occasion more time than we spend at our own homes. Then the friendship grew deeper that led to strong emotional attachments. Then the last thing we knew, we fell head over heels with each other. At first I thought that it will be just a fling, so I didn’t take it seriously. Though I found out that I am falling for him, still I told myself not to draw closer to him coz I know what the consequences would be plus I have to be cautious for my life isn’t easy anymore as it was before. (Not cautious anymore I guess)
But for him, it’s different. He never treated our relationship as an "ordinary affair". I see and feel the love from him. I never even expect to hear from him that he has plans for us, for our future. As for me, I know my limitations so I never demanded on him about anything. Instead, I kept my distance. Now, we are going to our 7th month, and I don’t know if I could still bring this kind of relationship up to 7 years or more. Maybe it’s because I am over clouded with fear and guilt. Fear that our relationship might be caught off guard, fear of breaking up, fear of losing him and many more worries. And of guilt... guilty of our relationship, of his wife and kids. Maybe it’s the reason why I find it so hard to believe his promises to me. I am ever confused and will be confused for our relationship until I will have the answers. . . Answers for what? Although I believe him, still I worry. He keeps on telling me that he is so in love with me. . . but why I am still worried? Why won’t I just believe his words but keep on worrying instead? I keep on reminding myself not to wait for him, but I can’t also deny that in some ways I am hoping. How long will I wait until I can finally say that he is mine and I am his for the rest of our lives?
written by Lied to, 12 September, 2008
Hi Ever Confused,

Yes, I do agree regarding situations and relationships happening at the work place. Many who have these experiences understand how bantering is a form of flirtation. Yet, because it is done with others around you and everyone joins in; no one suspects you are truly coming onto him.

He picks up your signals and little by little this working relationship becomes more intimate.

Although I believe him, still I worry. He keeps on telling me that he is so in love with me. . . but why I am still worried? Why won’t I just believe his words but keep on worrying instead?

Deep inside there is that instinct warning you of the outcome.
Truly, Married Men NEVER leave MOMMY.
He will tell you time and time again how much he loves you and cheating on his wife with a smile.

I fell in love with a jerk. He was everything I had hoped and continued to believe his lies.

This post is one that may give you better insight..
ritten by karter , March 09, 2008
Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don’t leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don’t leave.


Imagine 22 years she stayed in the background. THEY NEVER LEAVE.
You can turn yourself inside out and become a billionaire they still stay.
NO MATTER HOW DEEP THE LOVE, HOW PERFECT A SOUL MATE..........

We have all been there and nicely said it SUCKS!!!!
Get out and stay out. Be angry as hell that you KNOW he will not leave his wife.

In another post it is all about history. How they formulate their lives in a neat package with children and grandparents. When they become older and become grandparents themselves the bond with their wives is amazingly strong.

Picture yourself with him in two years. Okay how about six months. His priority is and will forever be his family.

Hope this has helped in some way.
Do take care of yourself.

Best wishes,
Claire
written by annette46, 13 September, 2008
Gosh I read these stories and I think man I’m stupid. My story is I’ve been with my MM for 4 1/2 years, we have a child together. Long story short wife found out about the child and I and continued to stay. He has been promising to leave but every time he is supposed to "Something" comes up and he can’t. I’ve become friends with him mother. She likes me and has me come visit her regularly. I’ve been to his Grandparents and basically all kinds of family functions when of course my MM isn’t there. His mother said she knows he’s not happy and that he loves me and she actually wants him to be with me. So I’m torn. How long do you wait, especially every time I look at my child I see him. Life sucks
written by Lied to, 13 September, 2008
Some Wisdom,

Wow that is amazing. YES. My 2nd MM was unable to think for himself and it’s a wonder he didn’t want to be bathed and diapered. Okay not the diapers but he was so caught up in being a small child.

Somehow I am led to believe stresses of the day prevail; leading a man to the Peter Pan Syndrome. What a find.

THANKS!!! These are the helps we can all turn to as means of healing.

Very appreciative,
Claire
written by Guest, 14 September, 2008
Hi Annette,

Let’s establish you are not stupid. WE have all been taken in.

I see two things happening here.

1. His mother never got along with his wife. That is the most difficult ingredient for a a good marriage; an interfering mother.
He might be home with his wife as many husband do; content and happy.

2. Mother has a grandchild and you have been going to family functions and in essence been replaced what his wife yearns to do.

I see a woman in a NO WIN situation. She has lost the love of her husband and his family prefers to be with another woman who had his child.

Honey, do you see where I am going? There are many facets to your relationship.

You have a child whom he adores. But, there are times when we MUST relinquish our position in the family’s eyes and do allow mother to visit; but I would back away from family outings. That is cruel to his wife.

Also you will notice it is NEVER the right time to leave. Time and time again I would listen to my MM’s promises to be taken in by his charm.

Do keep this in mind. His mother is the matriarch of the family.
Let’s say he does leave his wife and marries you.
Nine of of ten times her feelings for you would change; and you would become the victim also.

It is the natural order of how controlling women act and react.
What is caring and wonderful now will change. I know this from other woman’s sad stories.

Yes it does suck. And I wish I has answers. This is something your heart must decide with and do the right thing for your child.

I hope this has been comforting to some degree. Facing the truth always hurts. You have taken the first step by questioning your situation.

My Blessings to you for comfort and peace.
Claire
written by EverConfused, 15 September, 2008
Lied to, thanks for your advice. I know sooner or later our relationship will come to an end. I’ve been trying to get out of this mess but i just can’t seem to loose his grip. Whenever i try to run away from him, he always follows and begs me to stay. I know I’m being damn stupid again.
Yes, I’ve read karter’s message and I even quote it. But i don’t know (sigh). Being alone and needing someone, I guess I found the comfort in him.
The last thing we talked about is finding an apartment so we could be together already with my son, and when I asked him if he’s ready to leave his wife, I saw in his eyes how serious he is when he said yes. I am even more scared.
written by CClairise, 15 September, 2008
Yes being alone is so difficult. Whatever you decide I had to have therapy in order to find peace of mind.

Most hospitals offer group therapy for such issues.
I would look around and see if this would help you.

Best wishes in your choice.
Blessings.
C.
written by hurt, just hurt, 19 September, 2008
I have been with my MM for 6 months now. He has really taught me what life could be. We have done more in the past 6 months than I have my whole life. He is an amazing man. But the same as everyone else,.... he will not leave his wife. WTF???? If they are so miserable like they claim to be, then why stay...when we can give them everything they want? I don’t get it. But I do have to say, it does make me realize that I am capable of finding what I want and being happy with a single man. I will have that some day. I will be hurt and devastated when I leave him, but I can’t do this anymore. Promises are out the window, and the only window that is open is the one for me to crawl through. I will get better and find a man that loves me just as much and be better that I don’t have to share. Hang in there all of you, it sucks and never comes out better. But learn what attracted you in the first place and you will live a better life.
written by InterestingObservation, 19 September, 2008
This site has help me a lot and I am the MM that had a LTA with a MW for over 3 years.

A couple comments.

1) Generally it is stated that most affairs are under 2 years. But going by what I see here someone is not telling the truth.

2) To let you woman know, some guys will leave their wives for you. But when there is family though that chance goes down significantly. The thought of NOT seeing your children will keep you in place. A lot of men are raised with the idea that you live up to obligations. Yes we cheat but we still care for those we made those obligations too. So if you are holding out for a dream it is just that.

Everything is amazing while in the affair but let me tell you when it ends is sucks. Don’t get involved with someone you cannot close the deal with, or make sure you control you emotions to the point where you can walk away at any point.
written by CClairise, 19 September, 2008
To Hurt ~ just Hurt,

This may help.

This post is one that may give you better insight..
ritten by karter , March 09, 2008
Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don’t leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don’t leave.

Not all men are the same; yet most are.
One gentlemen wrote because of the children they cannot leave; nor should he.

Claire
written by CClairise, 19 September, 2008
Interesting Observation,

Remember what Dr. House says. "Everyone lies."
Or is it just the men? Believe me women lie as well.

A lot of men are raised with the idea that you live up to obligations. Yes we cheat but we still care for those we made those
obligations too. So if you are holding out for a dream it is just that.

So what you are saying is it is okay to break the heart of a woman other than your wife. She falls in love with you ~ and she is expected to deal with the pain. Are astute wives who catch on also expected to smile and let a man carry on with an affair?

A man once told me this. We are a testosterone animal and it is the challenge we love. Once married and settled with a happy family abounds; boredom settles in. What starts out as a game turns in to a torrid romance.
Most every one will be hurt in the end.
AND he will never leave because of his children.

I find it most unusual how many women divorce their husbands and leave their children for a man who cannot commit and she knows this. Deep inside they understand they would rather divorce their husband than cheat on him.

It is always interesting to hear a man’s take.
Claire.
written by InSoMuchPain, 19 September, 2008
A Different Point of View--

My husband has cheated on me repeatedly over our 12 year marriage. We have 3 wonderful children so I have kept staying praying that things will change. They did for a few years. Things were wonderful and I thought we would make it. I was devastated at the beginning of 2007 to walk in on him with a friend of ours(also his coworker) in my house with my kids sleeping down the hall. Once again, I decided I would stay. It has been 2 years and she is still a prominent player in my life. She is always at work with him and even when she is not working she is there to visit him. I held myself in check (hurting beyond belief) and tried to convince myself that they were just the friends that he said they were. Until someone told me they were meeting at my house in the mornings after I went to work.

Ladies, I just want you all to hear the other side of the story. I do not condemn any of you for your actions. the woman on both sides is in pain.
Icame here trying to understand why women do what they do.

Not, once during all of these years, after me catching him repeatedly, has he left. He always begs to stay, saying we can work it out. You women are not any more pathetic than the wife’s for believing what their husbands tell them. No one deserves to be treated like that. Sometimes I almost want him to leave, that way the only person hurting is me. And then maybe someone would get their happy ending.

What I am saying is please do not believe the lies he is telling you about how horrible his marriage is. I am completely devoted to my husband. I think our sex life is great. He always tells me there could never be a better wife than me. So what am I doing wrong? Absolutely nothing.

Do not be down on yourself please. Know that there are other women hurting as much as you are. I know it is easier said than done but we can get through it. I think it is time for me to start my life over. Be confident that there are other men out there that you deserve far more than a liar and a cheat who will never change for another person. They must change for themselves first.

written by CClairise, 20 September, 2008
A Different Point of View,
Thank you for your honesty

What I am saying is please do not believe
the lies he is telling you about how horrible his marriage is.
I am completely devoted to my husband. I think our sex life is great.
He always tells me there could never be a better wife than me.
So what am I doing wrong?


I am moved by your words.
Dear lady YOU are NOT doing anything wrong.
You love him or you would not have hung in for 12 long years.

When a man brings another woman to his home with the purpose to have sex is simply UNFORGIVABLE. That is really too much.

Many men are obsessed with sex. It is another form of addiction.
Call it a drug or being an alcoholic. They love their wives dearly but
are driven to the craziness of hoping not to be caught.

. Be confident that there are other men out there that you deserve far more than a liar and a cheat who will never change for another person. They must change for themselves first.


And you know this person and I can imagine the moments you are agonizing over them being together would break my heart in a million pieces.

Some men are truly little boys. Here is a post you may find helpful.

written by some wisom , September 12, 2008
A book that was very helpful in my own recovery was called "His Needs/Her Needs. Years ago, I read a book called the Peter Pan Syndrome, when men do not want to grow up.... Wendy is the wife and Tinker Bell is the other woman!!! It all help me understand my own behavior and how woman and men behave differently.

It is okay to seek help. I saw a wonderful woman named Sylvia. It got me over the parts when I knew my life was coming apart at the seams and I just had to speak with a professional. NO, you are not going crazy.

Some hospitals offer support groups. That may be helpful. It helps to know you are not alone.

Blessings and peace dear lady. You have had enough hardship in your life.
Be good to yourself.

Claire
written by Cclarise, 20 September, 2008
Interesting Observation.

Generally who stated that most affairs are under 2 years?

Where are you getting such bogus information.
You have read the posts.

C.
written by Interesting Observation, 21 September, 2008
Clarise
Go look at marriage builders sites and that is a statistic they throw out. Which is why I made my comment someone along the road is NOT telling the truth. I believe more what is being said here then those sites.

Everyone is so much better of NOT going down this road at all. The lies etc... take it’s toll during the affair and especially after.

Remember there is NOT NICE WAY of ending an affair, so if you have a MM, dump him tomorrow go through the withdrawals and find someone you can close the deal with.
written by Cclarise, 22 September, 2008
Interesting Observation,

I am concerned for men AND women alike.
Everyone who enters into an affair deep inside knows the pit falls. However, I become impatient with men who have loving faithful wives and NEED to have that challenge.

Some are so deeply in love and blinded by what could happen they go merrily on their foolish way.

Yes I agree. There is never a nice way of ending it. We are all hurt in the end. There is a need to be wanted and loved; that I understand.

Claire
written by Interesting Observation, 23 September, 2008
One more thing to add.

For the woman (and men) that think the fact their married partner stayed with their spouse or family reflexes on you it DOES NOT. There is nothing you could have do more or differently to have them leave to come to you. Do not beat yourself up thinking about if you would’ve done this differently or that differently the outcome would be different. Because it wouldn’t be.

I know once I had that realization I was able to let the thoughts of my married partner go.
written by Some Wisdom, 25 September, 2008
Interesting Observation... Thank you for a male perspective. The blogs are mostly woman and I think it’s very helpful to read a man’s point of view and how he looked at his affair. I would like to ask you a few questions. What did you get out of the affair that you did not get at home and how did you resolve it? I think it would be very helpful for women to understand. Thank you.
written by InterestingObservation, 25 September, 2008
Wisdom;
What did I get out of my affair that I did not get at home? That is a question that I keep running over and over in my head to find the answers.

But for me I would say the following.

1) Affection and Admiration from someone that made me feel like they actually liked me and wanted to spend time with me. Not just like someone that was working to pay bills and supply a life for the family.

2) A friend that I could talk to about anything without being judge and criticized.

3) Someone that was actually interested in my hobbies and wanted to participate in them.

4) Yes sex. Although this one was not as important as the other two above(for me). The emotional connection was more important. But it was nice being with someone that actually WANTED to be with me, instead of the feeling of obligation. The emotional connection was what really made the sex special.

I have friends that have not cheated but they are unhappy in their marriages for the same reasons above. If you do enough reading on the subject you find those same reasons over and over for many men. Everyone has a breaking point or they just meet the right person and fall.

What do you mean by "how did you resolve it?" Are you talking about the affair or the issues at home?
written by Some Wisdom, 26 September, 2008
Interesting Observation;

Thank you so much for your response. My husband had a four year affair, which one year he moved in with the other woman. I would say, he would say the same thing. I know for myself, immaturity was also a factor. I took ownership to my contributions to our problems and we have a better happier marriage. I also love my husband I could see why he cared for her, we all want to be loved and understood. The reason I ask you, "how did you resolve it" because for me, it took a lot of therapy, reading, group sessions and "looking inward" for change. Sometimes it take a painful experience to make us better person and I wanted that for myself and my family.
written by Lied To, 29 September, 2008
Some Wisdom,

What an amazingly strong person to go through the pain of pleasing your man.
Many times for the men, as Interesting Observation mentioned is a connection.
Being appreciated. How quickly we lose our zest for the other person.

We are spiritual beings. Not in the religious sense; rather we have a soul
and a heart that aches. Unless we are cherished don’t stay or stand for anything other than respect.

I spoke with a woman shopping at the supermarket.
We would smile and pass each other for weeks.

This one day she was crying. It took only a short time to park our carts and find a place to sit and share some coffee.

In a matter of ten minutes she explained she knew her husband was having an affair because he no loner loved her; he had fallen in love with the new girl in the office.

Each night he would come home and talk about how wonderful she looks.
Long explanations and loving feelings caused him to smile in a way she had not seen in years

I gave her my phone number and email address.. She was too embarrassed to share this with her family or friends. Her husband was a brilliant attorney and she lived in an enormous house she hated.

She is now in group therapy and I went along with her the first two times.
Quickly she found her place and comfort zone with other gals in the same situation.

She has a newness of life and her husband doesn’t understand why she is so happy. She truly doesn’t need him emotionally and has gone all out.
Gray hair is now quite sexy blond. She lost 25 pounds and he is noticing her.

For the first time she had a manicure with bright red polish.
Expensive perfume and that one basic dress and earrings has a way of making it happen. And Shoes.
She shines and he is taking notice. She is polite and shows little interest.
He is drooling for the first time in months; possibly years.

The reason I shared this is she also realized she allowed herself to slip and was boring. Now now.

C.
written by Clarise, 29 September, 2008
Interesting Observation

Thanks so much for your honesty and helping me to
understand my own needs.
written by Some Wisdom, 29 September, 2008
Clarie,

I just wanted to add that when my husband had his affair he was drinking a lot. At that time there wasn’t much information about it (both our mother’s had cirrhosis). Getting involved with several 12 step programs help me understand how we can bring a painful past into a marriage and how our behavior reflects that (sometimes years later). I found for myself it wasn’t about "blame" it was about "understanding and healing".
written by FedUp, 29 September, 2008
I just hate him so much right now.

I won’t accept contact from him in any shape or fashion – I will kill him softly idiot and make sure he NEVER FORGETS ME
written by FedUp, 29 September, 2008
PS. inSoMuchPain u r sooooooooooooo beautiful and tru 2 urself.
Most sites bash other woman and when u try an say it is the fault of the man not the cheated one or the one used – they scream and call u names.

Truth is men are the probs. I wouldn’t want to be cheated on either, married woman or other woman, you deserve better.

We can’t be envious of how they get to sleep in his bed, get christmas or them looking at other woman as his emotional investment.

HE IS THE PROBLEM AND WE CANT B THE ENABLERS
written by Clarise, 30 September, 2008
Some Wisdom,

That is all so common unfortunately.
We go into a marriage with all kinds of baggage and somehow
I wish there were more counseling moments for each
couple to examine the other before marriage.

But, then that was a moment when love blinds us to the
realities of the other until it comes out later.

In the form of drinking, anger, any form of negative emotion usually
becomes evident.

I have an alcoholic personality and understand. Never did the 12 step
program but much counseling and group therapy.

I found for myself it wasn’t about "blame" it was about "understanding and healing".

What a lovely person you are to be so forgiving and kind.
I had issues with my father. Before he died we made peace. Somehow
forgiveness provided cleansing and release of so much anger and bitterness.
Healing comes in wonderful ways.

Blessings to you. Be happy.
C.
written by Clarise, 30 September, 2008
Fed Up,

That is an accurate description we all have.
I HATE HIM. This is a safe place to be and
not one shall make you feel less than.

We are here for each other.

Blessings to you and feel better.
Claire.
written by FedUp, 30 September, 2008
HOW TO GET YOUR POWER BACK STRATEGY:

1. IGNORE ALL PHONES
2. IGNORE ALL MESSAGES
3. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE
4. GET EVEN? JUST DONT REVENGE (IT DOESNT WORK BUT
BACK FIRES)
5. INFORM HIM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS (CAUSE YOU MEAN
IT THIS TIME)
6. WHEN YOU ARE DIVORCED, HEALED, FREE AND SINGLE
AGAIN – THEN
COME TO ME YEAH. AND ONLY IF AM AVAILABLE AT THE
TIME. BE
PREPARED FULLY TO LOOSE HIM.

RIGHT NOW, LET YOUR PHONE RING LIKE A SONG, DANCE TO IT. ENJOY ITS SWEET TUNE AND MUSIC.

MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE .

CAUSE ITS ALL OR NONE OF YOU MATE.

AFTER WEEKS OF CONSTANT BEGGING AND NAGGING YOU, THEN "MAYBE" YOU CAN GRANT HIM AN AUDIENCE, TO WHICH YOU WILL FULLY STATE your OWN terms and conditions.

to which he must FULLY agree. if he cant, let him go. you probably have to let him go anyways, cause winning a cheat, is just that – winning a cheat.

PS. GOD CAN DO BETTER.

WE RULE GIRLS! TOO MANY PEOPLE BASH THE OTHER WOMAN, BUT WHAT GOT US IN THESE SHOES? ISSUES, ABUSE, BLURRED BOUNDARIES... WHO CARES, ITS ALSO NOT MOST YOUR FAULT FOR MANY OF YOU OUT THERE, SO YOU CAN START AGAIN.

PeaceOut.
written by FedUpFedUp, 30 September, 2008
Hey
? nice guy will finish first , July 30, 2008

when
– your last child finishes high school
– and you have your divorce papers in hand
– and you have gone through counseling and healing
– and you have been free for at least 2 years
– and are ready to start a godly, mature, honest,
no game playing relationship with a

– woman who loves God and believes in a wholesome
godly life
– beautiful woman
– with a beautiful heart who is
– young
– intelligent
– is a mother herself of twins (see how blessed!)
– has business savvy
– can cook real good
– home make real good
– love you real good
– bear you kids real good

and wants

– a true commitment as she will make before God
– a beautiful wedding
– with family and friends and for once THE WHOLE
PUBLIC to be there thank you cheating husbands who
do EVERYTHING in secret!!!!! Hunh! how about that
hey?
smilies/angry.gifsmilies/angry.gif

Oh, phew am sweating, I got ahead of myself there now love.

written by Clarise, 30 September, 2008
Fed Up,

You certainly have your priorities in order and won’t allow him or any man provide you with anything less than what every woman deserves ~ Respect and the list is endless.

Claire
written by Trying to move on, 04 October, 2008
I have read all the postings above and see myself in all of them, my relationship with my MM has only been over 1/mo. I never though I would do what I did but here is my story. I was in a relationship with my MM for 1 year and 3/mo. At the time I was also married. We had worked together for over 6 years but I never saw him as anything more than a co-worker. It started out with an email from him that said ?Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?. He was so embarrassed that he sent it because he did not want me to know how he felt. And at first I did not think anything of it because we were both married and I figured it was just a drunken email. But then we started emailing back and forth every day. It started out just harmless flirting, but as time went on we both started to admit to each other that we were starting to have feelings for each other. We started talking every night on the drive home and sent text messages constantly. We were both in unhappy marriages, each admitting more than once that if we could go back we would have never gotten married to begin with. Also neither of us have any children so we even talked about how we could start a family together. Instead of waiting to figure out our current situations the affair continued. It became physical after 7/mo, and we both knew what we were doing was wrong but the feelings were so strong we could not deny them. We started spending more time together, having date nights every Tuesday, and finding ways to sneak away in the office daily to spend alone time together. He started all the firsts, the first kiss, the first time we made love, and the first to say ?I Love You?. And it all felt so right, I never had such strong feelings for anyone ever in my life. Nether of us could imagine our lives w/o the other in it.

My husband found out about it 1 year into our relationship, and even though he wanted to try and save the marriage I refused because my feelings for my MM were too strong. And my MM even encouraged me to get out of my marriage with promises of a future together and he did not want me to stay in a marriage that I was so unhappy in. So that is what I did pretty much immediatly I asked my husband for a divorce. My husband quickly decided that my MM?s wife needed to know so for months he tried to tell her and months I protected my MM keeping my husband from telling her. For 2/mo my relationship with my MM turned into almost just being friends again, still talking everyday and conversations about a possible future but no affection. Then one day he came into work overly happy. When I asked him why he told me he had made his decision, he wanted to be with me and he was for sure leaving her I even asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I did not want to get my hopes up for something that might not happen but the love I felt from him when he said it made me believe him. He just had to wait a couple weeks to tell her because his family was coming into town and staying with them. My soon to be Ex found out we were seeing each other again and that was the last straw for him he called my MM?s wife again. She never returned any of his calls, but my MM decided he was tired of being threatened and he told his wife about our affair. Once he told her she said the same things my husband had said to me about fixing the marriage, and my MM decided he felt obligated to try and save his marriage and abruptly ended our relationship. I still cannot understand why he picked her and not me, and why he would let me give up everything if deep down he knew all along he would never leave her.

Needless to say I fell apart. This is a man I still have to see everyday at work. And he told me he is still in love with me and is probably making the biggest mistake of his life but he made a commitment to her to try and that is what he is going to do. So now he won?t talk to me or look at me. My heart is broken. I am still hanging on to hope that he will one day leave her, even though I know deep down he never will. I even find myself wandering down to his office just to get a look at him, and watching him leave everyday. I miss him so much, but am respecting his wishes by not talking to him at all anymore even though it is tearing me up inside. I have lost both the love of my life and my best friend. And even now I am not sure which hurts more.

I wish sometimes that I could go back, not that I think I would be strong enough to change my relationship with my MM, but so I could have been honest with my husband sooner. Our relationship turned into a friendship very shortly after we were married and I wish I could have admitted to him sooner that it was over rather than putting him thru what I did.

Thanks for listening it’s nice to be able to say this to someone who will not judge me for what I have done.

written by Here’s One For Ya, 06 October, 2008
I am in college. I am only 20 years old and I fell for a man quite a bit older than me. People already look down on that... Boy what was I thinking? =] Anyway, at first, it was just "sexual attraction." I NEVER thought anything could come from it. I went to his house one night to babysit his children so he could go out with my parents to the bar. My MM was 31, my parents are 36 and 40. He’s my dad’s best friend. I love my parents dearly, and this isn’t about them. Basically, like in all of these relationships... we started getting feelings. I was a girl home from college – a challenge to an older man. He was a challenge to me, and we found each other sexually and intellectually stimulating. I knew he was married from day one and that his wife was in another state for job training all summer. I quickly fell in love with him. I guess that should be a sign...? He didn’t play games at first. There wasn’t any tricking. When he first told me he loved me he was sleeping and I was whispering in his ear... he told me he loved me and then he called me stupid. I asked why and he told me that he didn’t want me to know how he felt.
written by Here’s One For Ya, 06 October, 2008
It wasn’t fair to me because he couldn’t commit to me. He wouldn’t commit to me. He told me that he loved his wife but he was not in love with her anymore. They have two children together and he has another child by another women. More bells ringing? ... Basically, he was going through a custody battle with his other child through the other woman and he said he could not handle another custody battle right now. He didn’t want to lose his kids or become a "weekend dad." ... We did everything together. I basically lived at his house the entire summer while his wife was gone. When his wife came back near the end of the summer, we still did everything together. He didn’t care about us getting caught kissing in my front drive way, and I was the one who always made sure to set the alarm to make sure he was out and back to his house. He didn’t care if he was caught. I think ultimately, he was always looking for a way out of his marriage. He married her because he got her pregnant and he "felt he owed it to her." ... In the end, for the most part of our relationship, I honestly feel it was real. He left for one weekend the entire time we were together, and he made it a point to call me each night, and he was actually offered to stay with a buddy and two other women and he turned them home and actually came home early to be with me. After he got home, he said to himself more than me that he realized then that he loved me. He said himself that the "old him" wouldn’t have done that. He wouldn’t have called, or came home, and that made him realize his feelings for me. He still continued to say he didn’t want a commitment with me. He told me he loved me but he said because I am in college right now I don’t deserve to have an older man tie me down and I should be living the best years of my life, and that I have so many opportunities ahead of me. I really respect him in that aspect. He has said that stuff and was honest about that from the beginning. Let’s reverse for a second, though. When I first started seeing this guy I was in my own relationship that I DESPERATELY wanted out of. I was in a vicious loop with another guy that never cheated on me, but he was NEVER there for me, and I needed out. I found my way out through him, but in the course, I fell for my married man. I didn’t mean to... I don’t think anyone ever does, but you can’t help who you love – you’re not supposed to. Anyway, while my MM went away for that one weekend I desperately was scared he was going to cheat on me. I told him I even expected him to because I had heard he was a player. I already expected it because why else cheat on your wife? They were only married for three years, but he was with her on and off again for 12. She was there while he served in Iraq as a Marine. I was scared, so I ran back to my ex boyfriend. He was a source of comfort – security. I went back to him because I was scared of being hurt, and in that second I went back... I lost my MM. He came home early for me and realized I was running back to my ex... He was deeply hurt by it as he had been left by someone he had cared about in his past, so he took to what he knows best. He put up his defense mechanism and started talking to an ex girlfriend of his... They got involved over the internet and the last month we were seeing each other, he was talking to her. He swears to this day that he wasn’t seeing her at the time, but I don’t believe it. Anyway, near the end of our relationship, I started becoming friends with his wife and she confronted me about us hiding stuff from her. I told her if she had anyone to worry about it was this other girl I knew he was talking to.
written by Here’s One For Ya, 06 October, 2008
Basically, he came home after I talked to his wife about this other girl and his wife confronted him and he didn’t deny it. He never denied cheating on his wife. Another implication he has always wanted out? She would just brush it under the rug each time he did... This time, he told her he loved her but he wasn’t in love with her and he just didn’t want to do it anymore. She asked him to work things out and he told her no... The problem was, he was pissed at me because I told his wife about him seeing someone else, and I left myself out of it. I wanted to tell her. To this day I want to tell her but I can only think of the other people it would devastate within our community. My parents are very good friends with her, and my mom works with her. It’s all messed up. So he leaves his wife, and my parents take him in for a week. That week, I go to see him so we can talk about things. The first night I’m there, he gets a hotel room and won’t let me in. He doesn’t want to talk to me. Drug/alcohol use is a factor here. So I get upset, go home and shatter. I am beyond broken at this point – I shatter. This guy cheated on me and now he won’t even talk to me?... Well, the next morning he comes to my house and we talk. We decide to work on a path of being friends... and that’s it. There’s no way that we could be anything more... at least at this point. Well, then he goes on to tell me that the other girl he was seeing is now moving in with him. What little pieces of my heart were left ... gone. Completely devastated. Somehow, he ropes me back in that weekend, though. I am crying in my bed, and he comes down to hold me... He asks me what is wrong, and picture this. We’re in my bed – yes, fully clothed – and we’re sitting so close to each other our lips are touching as we’re talking. I tell him to put up his wall with me – I tell him things that I know will pull his heart strings... He starts to break and let me in... and my dad knocks on my door. They leave to stay at a hotel for the night. My dad and mom don’t want us to see each other because of how much he hurt me and they warned me about him from the beginning. They respect that I’m an adult and they basically said to me, "I know you’re old enough, I just hope you’re strong enough." Well, that night, after our talk, I told my MM that he would regret losing me and pushing me away. He would regret putting up his wall with me. He said, "I already do," and he kissed me. Then he left... Dangling me on a string. My dad comes over from the hotel the next morning and I ask where my MM is and my dad tells me he’s with the other woman... the one he was seeing in the last month of our relationship – after he thought I was cheating on him. I wanted to die. I wrote him a long letter, told him goodbye. Well, I’ve been back at school for about a month and a half now and I recently started playing an online game with my dad. Who else begins playing but my ex-MM. We start talking and basically I fed into him once again... only this time he’s with someone else.
written by Here’s One For Ya, 06 October, 2008
Someone he cheated on me with. I ask him how things at home are and he tells me "null." He says sweet things to me like I’m the only one who understands, who knows the real him... He told me he should have never went away that weekend. I told him that what happened was meant to be and that we both have our own personal demons that we have to work on. We are both trying to fill voids with the wrong people – find love in the wrong places. I have a void from the absence of my biological father. When I say "dad", I mean step dad. I have been trying to fill a void with the wrong people this entire time. I tell him that I saw his light and his true self trying to shine through, and it will some day and that I believe in him, but it’s not the time nor the place for us. He says he agrees. He understands, and he knows I’m right. He tells me the same thing he always said... I’m in college, I deserve to have the time of my life, and I don’t deserve to be stringing along some "old man."
written by Here’s One For Ya, 06 October, 2008
I love the guy to death. Every woman that comes in contact with him does... To this day, I don’t think there’s an ex girlfriend of his that could turn him down. I was debating whether or not to say this, but what the hell? He’s a veteran from Iraq. He’s suffering PTSD, and a thing called "shame-rage." How do you describe those to someone? If you’re really interested, just look it up. I really believe he’s a scared, and vulnerable man. He lines women up because he’s terrified of being alone, yet he has major trust issues so he keeps all of his relationships at arms length. This man let me in farther than anyone else... so he says... is that a line used a lot?... He talked about his experiences in Iraq with me, cried with me... talked about where his insecurities stem from. To this day, we remain friends. Through our online game, we started talking again and the other day he wanted to come visit me at college to have sex. He asked if I could handle it emotion wise and realize it was just sex. At first, I was like, HELL yeah. I yearned for him so badly. Then I thought about it more, and realized no, there was no possible way. This man made me want to die because of his response to my actions... He made me want to die because of the girl he is with now. I admit, I got my vengeance kick with it... I had my little "Ha!" when he wanted to come have sex with me, and he’s with her... but now, I just feel pity. In the end, the girl he is with now... is just like me. Another girl roped in, that has probably truly fallen for him... for him to not have true feelings for her. It hurts. It hurts beyond agony... it creates a rage within you. At times I love to tell myself I really am the only girl who knows him. I love to tell myself it’s not real with her, and it was real with me... it’s just that we are on different levels in our lives right now that we can’t be together. After he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him... that’s when I realized it. I deserve better. I emailed him that night and I told him that I deserve better. I deserve someone that loves me as wholly and truly that I love him. I deserve someone that can give themselves to me. I deserve someone that wants to be with me. I deserve someone that really loves me. I am a beautiful person. I care about everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I would help out my worst enemy. I like a lot of things most girls don’t, but I love life and I always try to look at the positive side of things, and I deserve better. What did he do?
written by Here’s One For Ya, 06 October, 2008
He wrote back. =) Told me that I do deserve better. He wants to change, and he can’t stand himself for hurting me or the people he has and he doesn’t know why he does it, or how to fix it. He told me that he doesn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend... and it was a moment of weakness because of our connection. He loves me as a friend, and wants me to remain a friend because I know him better than anyone. I was strong enough about a week ago to let him go. Just stop talking to him... Let him go entirely. What happened? A lot. One night I wrote him a letter, which if anyone would like to read... well, that night, he also got an email saying one of his best friends from the Marines had killed himself. Pull on my heart strings some more, would you God? The one thing that would get me... Suicide. I’ve had so many personal experiences... It is one thing that plays on my heart like no other. Is he lying about his friend committing suicide? Would he do that? It’s sad I even have to ask. I don’t think so... but then again, I’ve also learned in life some people will pull out all of the cards when they’re in desperate need. He lost his wife, his children, now a friend has committed suicide. All he has now is this girl that moved in with him, and with her he feels empty. Has he ever felt anything but empty since he’s been back? ... So anyway, this last weekend was pretty hard on me. I’ve been having some pretty bad thoughts myself. I find it hard to eat, sleep, and care about anything. It’s not just this guy, but other things in my life wearing me down right now... So I decided to email him back and say that I am glad we are friends. I need a friend more than anything right now because he IS the only person who knows me. I confided so much in him, and likewise. I wrote him back and told him I need a friend very much right now. I am thinking of going home for the weekend (we only live 2 hours away from each other), but I am scared. Should I see him? I would love nothing more than for him to put the moves on me right now and me turn and look him in the eye and ask if he really thinks I don’t deserve better. I think it would really wake him up. He goes on about how he can get all of his ex’s back... he knows just what to say or do... I would love nothing more because I think it would be an eye-opener. Did I mention I fell in love with his kids as well? I love them very much as if they were my own.
Besides, I have this yearning to want to help him. To talk to him about his friend dying... All of it.
written by Here’s One For Ya, 06 October, 2008
I’ve found out so much on PTSD. I am a firm believer in God, as I’ve been through a lot of traumatic experiences in life myself, and this last weekend I was praying what I should do – let him go, or be there...? ... I went to a sermon right after and the sermon was about helping people and leading them back into the light. Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe everything happens for a reason, though. After the sermon, I came out to my car and what song was on the radio..."Believe" by Staind...a song he played me all of the time. . . I do believe in him. . . More than I’ve ever believed in anyone in my entire life. . . but as I read these they sound so familiar. "I’ve never felt this way toward anyone before."-"What we have is different." – I don’t even honestly know if he would’ve left his wife on his own if I hadn’t said anything... but that’s where other things play into it. This man has a history of being with other women while him and his wife – girlfriend at the time – were on and off. He actually let some of those relationships carry into his marriage, and happened while he was with his wife. During those times, the women he was with at those times had gotten fed up much like some of you and had told his wife. He never denied sleeping with them, but he would always beg his wife to give him a second chance. His wife wasn’t exactly a saint, either, and she would cheat on him. They were mainly in it for the children, and it wasn’t until she knew she was really losing him these last four months that she’s really clung on to him. Anyway, as I had mentioned earlier, he is a war vet. He was only in for four years, but he was a Marine, and infantryman. He saw some pretty gruesome things, and did some unspeakable things. Things a Soldier has to. He’s still living with the pain and the guilt, the rage... all of to this day... but when we were just friends, he was drinking, smoking a lot, and doing speed. He was a workaholic... he would work doubles at work and then come home and work around his house until he would crash, and then he would only get 3-4 hours a night. Common signs of PTSD. He had done all of those things to excessive amounts with ex girlfriends of his. I learned this recently through talking to some of his ex’s. While him and I were together... he barely drank. He barely smoked, and he went as far as quitting the speed. He got sleep, which he never did before, and he worked normal schedules. He seemed to have a light within him that everyone could see – even people such as his best friends would say he was glowing and he didn’t smile like that with anyone else. Now that he’s with this other woman, I found out that ever since we broke up he’s back to smoking, drinking, doing speed, not sleeping... What does this all mean?... When he was staying at my house he took a ring I used to wear while we were together and slept with it by him. He denied taking my ring, and I wasn’t meant to find it – I know I wasn’t.
I really need help from a guy who has had the same type of tendencies. Do you think it was actually real with me?... There’s so much to point out that it was. I think it was – at least until he thought I cheated on him and was going to run away. I think that slowly he has come to realize now that it was real, and he wants me back but we have mutually decided it’s not our time and we both have our own demons to face before we find each other again.... Life is beautiful.
written by FedUpFedUp, 06 October, 2008
Trying to move on

If somebody loves you, they don’t loose you so much. How could he do that to you?

Take that as a sign he wasn’t meant.

Now do what you gotta do to work thru your emotions and decide what you really want as far as your husband or another life, but you don’t need this guy.

Affairs often end disastrously cause 1 person is selfish enough to want both sides bread buttered.

Get over him, cry and move on.

Love
FedUpFedUp
written by FedUpFedUp, 06 October, 2008
Heres one for ya,

head for the hills
written by moving on, 08 October, 2008
I finally broke it off with my MM and I feel stronger as a person and better about myself. We women make it so hard to leave the relationship because we always hang on to this bit of hope to just maybe one day he will be mine. But it will never happen as long as we let them put us on sidelines. Its all in the mind, loose that hope because it does not exist. Be strong and look forward and not back. I went through so many painful experiences with my MM, but I put myself in my own hole because I could of avoided all the heart break. The other woman is only a vacation to MM, the wife is their work. Vacations are temporary remember, their wife is their home.
written by Clarise, 09 October, 2008
Hi Moving On,

The other woman is only a vacation to MM, the wife is their work. Vacations are temporary remember, their wife is their home.

Most profound. I have never heard it put quite so well.
BRAVO!!
Claire
written by Clarise, 09 October, 2008
Here’s one For Ya,

I am in college. I am only 20 years old and I fell for a man quite a bit older than me. People already look down on that... Boy what was I thinking?

Not all but most 30 year old men would be delighted, shocked and taken back
by a 20-year-old college student interested in their life.
What were you thinking? We don’t when men are concerned rather re-act
to something called need.
Claire
written by Clarise, 11 October, 2008
To Interesting Observation,

My MM is TRYING to get back in my life.
But he said he’s a coward and cannot leave his home and children. What is going on with this jerk.

Why will he treat his wife like the Queen herself and me like chopped liver? You have wonderful insight and need your advice.

Much needed,
Claire
written by FedUpFed, 13 October, 2008
Claire, if he can’t leave his wife he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect her either cause he wants 2 women at the same time.

Run before you feel stuck!

Show him who has the power for a change.
written by Red Rose, 14 October, 2008
Hi Claire! Thank you for your kind words that you wrote back in early Sept. However I wish to say that my MM is not only a cad but a spineless coward. I found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. I was extremely emotional because I found this out after we broke up. I was consumed with various emotions ranging from being extremely nervous, sadness and of course happy that I have this baby growing inside of me. A small miracle representing both of us and the loved we shared. Remember we were childhood sweethearts who found each other after more than 24 years apart. The only problem was his sick wife who had seizures and was extremely depressed. He became her roommate/ butler for the last ten years they slept apart. This was confirmed by his wife so I know it’s true. He felt an obligation to her so we broke up. So I sat broken hearted night after night crying myself to sleep. I was cursing fate for bringing the love of my life back to me, my one true destiny, only to deny both of us happiness. Than I started to feel sick to my stomach/vomiting and lightheaded. All the symptoms I recognized as pregnancy. I took a home test with trembling hands...positive. I made a doctors appointment and had it confirmed. I talked to several friends about it, cried both tears of joy and sadness. I thought long and hard about telling my MM not because I wanted to keep the baby from him because he hurt me, but because I truly didn’t want to cause him anymore angst by burdening him. My friends, including two different men told me I needed to tell him, he had the right to know and be part of his child’s life. So I called him, he was busy at work and it didn’t seem like a good time. I then emailed and he called me...The man (MY DESTINY), who I loved for years,and who had asked me to marry him when I was younger and again 2 months ago...treated me like a one night stand that he met a bar...Asked me if I was sure I was pregnant and if I was sure it was his and asked how it happen, DUH, the old fashion way I said, we had sex and yes we used a condom each time but accidents happen. Yes, I realized he was in shock and was entitled to ask these questions...I was willing to cut him some slack but it was his tone with me that got to me...than he said you know I am not ready for a baby, and told me he had no intentions on leaving his wife. I was totally stunned, I said I didn’t asked you to leave your wife. I am telling you that I am pregnant with your child, He again said I am not ready for a child...with you or anybody else. I said that’s too bad because I am having YOUR child whether your ready or not...It’s a done deal, one which I didn’t complete myself. Oh and by the way your a 45 year old man not a boy. What do you mean your not ready? You have a biological son who is 22 years old. And 21 year old stepson.
Well my mm asked me if I was going to keep the baby. I said I didn’t believe in abortion and he said neither did he. He than asked if I gave any thought to adoption. I told him adoption was a great unselfish act made by different mothers & fathers for different personal reasons and that I greatly admired their choice it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue. I wanted to keep the baby...With that he sighed and said well like I said that isn’t an option for me...silence until I heard his wife in the background...I said oh do you need to go because she was there and he said no she has been here since the beginning of our conversation, I told my wife as soon as I got your email. More silence I said you know I don’t have all the answers nor did I do this all by myself. Again he said how he wasn’t ready for a child...I said does that mean your willing to sign over all your paternal rights legally and never have anything to do with your child? He replied, "YES, Absolutely! I felt like someone hit me with a sledge hammer...MY SWEET MM and all the OBLIGATION he felt towards his wife and he has none towards his unborn child or myself...The pain I feel is unmeasurable. The man I loved and was planning a life with is a COLD HEARTED BASTARD. The irony is I was torn in telling him in the first place because I wanted to spare him any angst in dealing with this situation...I didn’t want him to be depressed about his situation with his wife. Stupid I know, he didn’t even give it a 5 minute consideration. What’s the old saying just because someone is a character doesn’t mean he has CHARACTER.
I am so crushed! Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated!

Red Rose
written by humbled, 14 October, 2008
Whew. So if I start this post by saying that I love him, he is my soulmate, we were meant for each other, I guess I might as well cut and paste from your posts. Short summary: we dated as pre-teens, whatever that means, reconnected at 17/18, I broke his heart because I wanted to be unencumbered. He said he’d let me explore and would wait. Cut off all contact with him. Honestly, acted like a b____, as only an 18 year old girl can do. He had flown out for a visit while I was in college (we’d already planned it) and I refused to see him. I just handled it badly. 2 years later, met my husband. Began to realize after 6 years that maybe we were not meant to be, but within a month (life’s irony) realized I was pregnant. So,threw myself into it again. And was happy. Or so I thought. Woke up one day and realized I was done. Had a dream about the ex and (shoot me now) looked him up. Emailed, spoke, met, and the affair began. He was unhappily married- he finally got married after I had been married for 5 years, heard from my family that I was very happy, etc. He and his wife had young children. Same for me. After a year and a half I left my husband, I just couldn’t do it anymore. Didn’t leave "for him". I felt that I was losing myself by staying in a marriage that made me unhappy. 6 months into the MM affair he realized that his sense of obligation and commitment to his family would not allow him to leave. We agreed to enjoy it while it lasted. And his guilt has made him pull away more often than my dissatisfaction has, but we always return. So, now that I have been separated for a year, I realize I need more. Or realize that I should need more and shouldn’t get stuck in this endlessly. But here is my dilemma. I can’t seem to stay angry. I get angry, and he doesn’t even have to beg, I forgive so easily. And I am generally a fighter. But then I am so pleased to see this generous part of my nature, the part that is so unselfishly loving and forgiving, that I pat myself on the back (while I’m banging my head against the wall). How do you hold on to the anger long enough to cut off all contact? And, I realize I sound pathetic but in the nature of honesty, how do you overcome the fear that he won’t pursue you (even if you have no intention of responding, the idea that he would give up or be relieved is like a knife in the heart)?
He is miserable, I am realizing that I cannot save him, and that I need to save myself. But how do you find the motivation and drive to put your foot down and keep it down? Should I mention that I love him, that I believe he and I are destined to be together, and that life will continue to throw us into eachother’s paths until we finally take the hint?! smilies/smiley.gif Can you imagine that as smart as I am in real life I honestly believe that?
So, that is my heart splayed open...
written by FedUpFed, 14 October, 2008
to Red Rose: Sorry gurl. that’s just too much. and that his wife was there all the while! bummer. If he was so dedicated to his wife, why in the first place! I suppose men must use a woman, but woe to us who are the used! I just hate the whole concept.

Humbled, move on with your life. Keep even forgiving, but someone said something profound, that even I found a hard time coming around:

The other woman is only a vacation to MM, the wife is their work. Vacations are temporary remember, their wife is their home.

If you really are meant, things should work in such a way that your both available at the time of hooking up. That’s all I want to settle for.

Thanx
written by Red Rose, 14 October, 2008
Dear Humbled,

Wow! I feel like I could have written this myself. Our stories are so much like it’s uncanny...the only difference is that his child is grown and his wife is sick. He talked about his OBLIGATION to her like he was drowning and was too weak to reach for the life preserver being thrown him. Most people who I know consider me to be both level headed and smart...HMM I sure don’t feel that way now. We both knew these men from our past. I had the approval of his entire family and friends (excluding his wife and 21 year old step son)About the same time his wife found out about us, his biological son age 22, asked if he could stay with them for a maxium of three months. He needed to move and needed to save up for 1st month rent and security. He has a job and is going to collage. Well my MM didn’t even consider that and told him you know son, now isn’t a good time because I screwed up had an affair and your stepmom just found out, so things are tense here. His son said well Dad I am shocked. He said I know son I let everyone down by doing this and I know your disappointed in me. His son said, No dad that’s not it at all...I didn’t know you could still call what you did an affair...because you and my stepmother haven’t been husband and wife for over ten years. I thought she moved back because of her health and for financial reasons, you sleep in separate rooms, she never comes to anything family related and never goes out with you unless it’s the casinos. He than said dad, I was wondering why you seemed so happy lately? His son asked if he loved me he said yes. He said, than dad what is the problem? My MM said you know son things aren’t that simple. I am a man who dug a whole so deep for myself I can’t get out of it? His son asked why? He told his son he made a promise to his wife and to her child to be there for them. And that when a man makes a promise he has an obligation to fulfill that. His son replied but dad look around, my stepbrother is 21, can’t keep a job. living here with you and his mother. My MM said so what’s the point. His son replied even prisoners get paroled.
My MM told me he loved me, wanted a future with me asked me to marry him, just trust him...I did! I just want to know why he doesn’t feel any obligation to his unborn child or myself? What about the promises he made me? Even as I sit here wondering this...I too still love him... how pathetic I feel for even saying that. The lesson I learned is take care of yourself first. Even though he may say he loves you and this very well could be true, make no mistake we will never be first in his life as long as he has a wife at home. Oh just because he’s depressed and unhappy doesn’t mean we can fix him!

Take Care,
Red Rose
written by Red Rose, 14 October, 2008
To Fed UP,
Thank you for your comment. I know I should have listened to that inner voice telling me to slow down and wait. All the things he wrote and told me over and over again about how unhappy he was in his marriage that wasn’t a marriage but an arrangement. Still I never thought of him as lying because I had confirmation from both his family and friends that all the things he said were true. He didn’t try to hide the fact from family or friends that he was not only seeing me but in love with me as well. He even told is wife that. She said if it was just the sex it would be ok but because he loved me she didn’t want him to see me...then she had a 20 minute seizure that she said was the stress of him being in love with me. Oh he said he couldn’t put her thru the stress of a divorce and even though his family is dysfunctional he couldn’t leave them. She also told him that if she wasn’t sick she probably wouldn’t be there in the first place...huh? She also has no means to support herself. Okay so we broke up and I cried and cried and then found out I was pregnant. I was so distressed about adding to his burden that I consider not telling him...only to be told that was wrong. I tell him...not so he would leave his wife(because I do realize that was just a dream we once shared or thought we did) but because I thought he might want to have some kind of role in his child’s life. You know like the devoted, caring dad he is to her son. But than I had a life bulb moment it is only his stepson not his biological son that he’s been a great dad too. All his son’s life he has been on the outside looking in...he even was in denial when his biological son was conceived...but eventually came around. Which now I find funny in itself because he waited less than a year to play daddy to someone else’s kid but not his own. Hell even now his own son was turned away when asking to stay with him for a few months. But when we were making plans to have our life together, he asked about getting a large enough house to accommodate his step son so he wouldn’t feel like he was being thrown out. Mind you his step son has a very good relationship with his own father and wouldn’t be homeless. Although I don’t think anyone would let him free load off them like my MM does? Whew I wish that I had this realization way before things got hot and heavy...It’s obvious to me that even though he is a big strapping 6’5 man he is really weak in his mind, heart and soul. But what do I tell this sweet child of mine when the time comes and she or he asks about their DADDY. What should I say since he doesn’t want any part of their lives. How could a man seem so noble and be a total coward at the same time?

Red Rose
written by Clarise, 15 October, 2008
Hi Fed Up,

Claire, if he can’t leave his wife he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect her either cause he wants 2 women at the same time.

Indeed he does not understand real love. What is so demeaning is that he expects me to believe me when he mentioned they don’t have sex any more.
That was some time ago. He must be losing it and goofed. "We only have sex now and then."

My husband passed and it has been difficult w/o him. I know now REAL love. He suffered with Parkinson’s and I am grateful he forgave me.

Yet, I could tell when he looked at me with such a pained expression; I let him down. There is always that sense of abandonment a spouse is left with and it sucks. BECAUSE I was a jerk to spend one week visiting my cousin in England.

HAH!!! See how easy it is to lie when our hormones are in charge.
I am my own worst enemy. Concerning my mm I love him I hate him.

It is so easy to give advise and wonder WHO AM I?
RIGHT NOW PROBABLY VULNERABLE.

Thanks for your kindness and understanding. We’ve all had our share of heartbreak in our life

Blessings.
Claire
written by some wisdom, 16 October, 2008
Claire,
I’m sorry for your loss. There is strength in time and the most important thing is that your husband forgave you. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself, you seem like a very caring and loving person.
written by Trying to move on, 17 October, 2008
How could I be so stupid. As I said before my relationship with my MM has been over a little over 1/mo. He tells me they are going to counseling to see if they can make the marriage work. Well I guess they made it work pretty quickly because they are on a baby making trip to New York this week. I hate that everyone I work with thinks he and I are best friends so they tell me everything that goes on with him. It only makes it harder to try and forget about him when he is not only in my face everyday, but I also get the play by play’s of his life from everyone around.

I believed him all the times he said he loved me. And how he was starting to hate everything about her that he loves about me. I thought what we had was real, but now I know exactly what I was to him, a conquest. I think he just needed to prove to himself that he could get a younger woman. And I was able to fill in the things he was missing at home. But now that it is time to get real again she gets to start a family with him, while I go thru ending my marriage all alone. I feel terrible for what I did to my husband, he deserved better than how I handled things. I hope someday he can forgive me, even though I am finding it hard to forgive myself.

I wish women could come and read these blogs before getting involved with a MM. I lived in a fantasy for over 1 year with mine and if I had only read all of your stories sooner I might have been able to walk away before getting emotionally attached.
written by Just ended it..., 18 October, 2008
This article is one of the best that I’ve read that entirely explains my situation. I’m a married woman who had a relationship with a married man for four years. We fell in love – there is no doubt about that. But, his attachment to his wife and family overshadows this. I understand – I truly do. I don’t like it, but I have decided it’s for the best to end it and for him to work on his marriage. Unfortunately, it’s too late for me. I’m on the path to divorce, but am looking forward to opening up myself for a new relationship sometime down the road once I’ve had time to discover what I truly want. Best of luck to the rest of you. Discover the strength that you have within to do what I’ve done. It may take longer than you think (I tried breaking up 3 times before), but when the time comes – you’ll know.
written by young-and-in-love, 19 October, 2008
Here we go.. This is my story.
I think that mine is a little more unique than most of yours on here, believe me.. I read them ALL (took me days! haha). The reason I say the relationship I have with my MM is different is because it is strictly emotional. This sounds stupid, but I met him online. This hasn’t been going on long.. for about 5 months now. He is also quite a bit older than me (when I say ‘a bit’, I really mean A LOT! 16 years). I’m 19 and he is 35. Other than that, not much separates me from the rest of you. I am madly in love with this man and truly believe that we were meant to be. I’ve known he was married (with 2 kids) from day 1. He has always been completely honest with me – so he says. Call me naive, but i truly believe him (or I guess REALLY REALLY want to believe him. He has never said that they don’t have sex. He tells me that their sex life isn’t good. That, on the rare occasion they sleep together, she’s like ‘k, hurry up!’ and says other condescending things. But, from all these other posts that I have read, she probably isn’t as bad as he makes her seem. The thing is, this all started as friends. It just grew into something completely unexpected. So really, he wouldn’t really need to lie to me about that stuff, especially when I was just a friend that was there to talk to him about that kind of stuff and not be judged. He says that she’s an amazing mom.. they just don’t have the chemistry they had before (they were high school sweethearts – been together since they were 16) I think because of their history, and their kids.. he’ll never leave. Sometimes he says he wants to, but he doesn’t want to hurt his kids. yea, yea. The thing is, I have never even told him I think he should leave or anything along those lines. When he tells me about their fights, I do not automatically take his side. I try to get him to understand her point of view also and I think he really admires that from me. It shows my maturity and selfless-ness(?) In a weird kind of way, I suppose. He does talk about our future on a regular basis, whereas I NEVER bring it up. He once asked me if I wanted kids and at that point I told him I wasn’t sure – probably not. He was really upset and says I would be such a great step-mom to his kids. He tells me he loves me constantly and says all the right things just like everyone else’s story here. So I’ll skip all of that.
I think what he lack’s in his marriage is the emotional side. He says that whenever he’s feeling bummed out about something, he doesn’t get the support at home. She says ‘It’ll be okay, you’ll be fine’ whereas I try and come up with a solution and do all my power to comfort him and I know he really appreciates it. Thing is, he could by lying. It probably isn’t that bad. Who knows?
I read multiple times in these posts that father-daughter relationships really come in the play here. My dad and I haven’t spoken in over a year. He basically cut me out completely after a huge fight at which point I moved out. Does anybody think this has anything to do with it? He too, has issues with his father. His adoptive step-father and he has never met his biological.
I know that I should end it. But I can’t.. I can, I wont. Like a alcoholic, you have to WANT to get better. I think I probably just have to learn the hard way, well see.
I guess I just have that ‘what if..’ feeling. My father cheated on my mom and left her for this other woman. They have been together for about 10 years now. I also know people where it has worked. I know that it isn’t looking good, but I want it so badly.

written by Clarise, 19 October, 2008
Some Wisdom,

Thank you for such kind words at such a difficult time. Too bad I didn’t have such wisdom some time ago when I gave myself to a man who belongs to another.

My daughters and son have been amazingly supportive. They know little of this man in the U.K. Only that I took a vacation to visit relatives.

Seeing I do have three cousins and an elderly aunt in Essex, England it was not a total lie.

But I have to live with the guilt.
Forgive myself is an ongoing motion of repulsion.
What was I thinking? What have I done? ~ to I hate him for being such a coward.

I am free and he chooses not to be; as if I would trust him. NEVER.

Once again your kindness gets me through the rough parts.
Claire
written by Clarise, 19 October, 2008
Red Rose,

You shared
written by humbled, 19 October, 2008
Someone said something to me today that I have been mulling over so I will put it out to all of you. She said that it is true that married men rarely leave their wives, when they do they almost always have someone waiting (that would be us, I suppose), and they tend to do it only if they feel they are losing the other woman. That she is pulling away, moving forward without him. He sees what is sometimes the only joy in his life disappearing, and that might get him moving. This won’t happen with an ultimatum. Just with moving away kindly.
I have been looking for a way to motivate to move on, as "Young-and-in-love" said, you have to want to do it. So this might do it for me... Best case scenario, I move forward and look for my own relationships, he comes after me when he is free & clear, worst case scenario, I move forward and he doesn’t come after me, but I’ve moved forward so hopefully won’t have the intense hurt I would have now.
Now I’ll wait for all of you to weigh in... and see if my heart will follow my head’s lead for once.

-Humbled
written by Clarise, 20 October, 2008
Hi Red Rose,

Don’t know what happened to my post.
You shared in the past how sad he was and how he was more of a victim.
Now you are agonizing over this man’s insensitive attitude towards your pregnancy. His child.

What causes men to react in such a fashion is beyond me and I truly wish you peace and a sense of comfort.

Who knows what causes people to be so unkind.
My thoughts are with you at this most wonderful yet difficult time in your life.

Much happiness to you.
Blessings,
Claire
written by Clarise, 21 October, 2008
hi Humbled,

You shared

As women we are such emotional beings aren’t we.
There are many differences in men and women and our motives.

Not meant to manipulate, rather find that SAFE haven you discovered so brilliantly.
Few of us ever reach it; rather are in agony for years.

Many are stuck in a sad horrific lifestyle and hoping he will leave her.

You are so on. MEN NEVER LEAVE HOME.

I believe it was Wisdom who mentioned the Peter Pan theory how men want to be little boy most of their lives into adulthood. They must have been momma’s boy.

Much Happiness to you.
Blessings,
Claire
written by Clarise, 21 October, 2008
To young and in Love,

You are 19 and he is 36. He married his high school sweetheart and they have fights. Imagine that. Dear girl most married couples do. Even the best of marriages have rough spots.

My MM told me his wife was a beast. Turns out she is anything but and don’t I feel like a fool. In that I have cousins in the UK they have gone into her shop; she is just darling. The sweetest person one could know.

My advice is run like hell. Save this marriage and find someone your own age dear. Understand the male ego and try to back away from this situation before someone really gets hurt.

Yes, I would say issues with your dad contributes ENORMOUSLY to your attraction to your MM.

Hon I am not trying to make you feel horrid; his wife doesn’t have a prayer with a 19 year old making him feel he was 19 again.

Truthfully it is unfair to her and their children and to him. He fell in love with her; as I mentioned all marriages have rough edges.

Okay, so you’re in love. And you haven’t had sex yet.
This isn’t about sex; rather intimacy. You are connected emotionally and it is so easy to do.

We have all been there. Rather different situations.
Take care and run like the wind. It will hurt and you will miss this emotional connection you don’t have with your dad.

Blessings to you,
Claire
written by young-and-in-love, 22 October, 2008
Claire,

I know what I need to do. I’ve known for awhile, It’s just easier said than done. I’ve read all of your other posts and I know that you know how I feel.
Thing is, I don’t know why I don’t just let go. I (think) I have plenty of confidence. I’m not worried that I won’t find someone else my own age.. Not at all.. Im young, and I think I’m decently attractive and I’ve got a nice personality.
I’m wondering if I made mends with my father this would ease my situation abit..
This is the worst thing I’ve ever done. I know it isn’t fair to anyone in this situation.. and I need to end it. Too many people can be hurt here. But, until I muster up the confidence to do so, I will continue to come here and read other’s stories, since I find them very motivational. I have so much respect for all of you who are strong enough to walk away.
Thanks for your response, I really appreciate your time. But, I think I just need to wean myself away from him and do it on my own time. When (and I say ‘when’, not ‘if’) I will end it cold turkey.

All the best,
young-and-in-love
written by Clarise, 22 October, 2008
Young and in Love,

This is not the worst thing you have ever done. You are in love and it feels absolutely wonderful. I understand. There is an amazing
part of us that needs to be loved and cared in whole.

When I was involved with my MM I knew better, but I was hooked like a drug.
I wish you well with your father. That in itself would be healing for you.

Be happy.
Claire
written by FedUpFedUp, 23 October, 2008
I never in my life anticipated being here. Red Rose your situation is not unique.

I sit here, just gave birth to his twins 4 months ago – and where is he? I wish i had run when i first saw that red light.

He has put me through unimaginable shame – I couldn’t tell you all.

But I have my comfort in this, I WILL find my strength in time. I wont revenge or be bitter, in fact, IO shall forgive and let go.

I KNOW he will come back one day, that’s just special knowledge I got, without a shadow of a single doubt, he is coming back – when he does, he will see what a looser he is, cause this is NOT going to get me down.

I will learn change and grow – and accept God’s truth and be even better than when he finds me, – THEN where will he be?

I serve a mysterious God – and sometimes what goes around just HAS TO come around, HE WONT GO SCOTT FREE.

The greatest mistake I ever made guys, was not to go out with him, or yadi yada, it was that I gave love to somebody who desperately needed it, out of the kindness of my own heart.

But he dealt me a cruel hand in return. That’s aright, cause you know, I more than ever before, am determined to be pure before God.

I let him go. To work on his marriage which I even pray for them as i did a few days ago – for it to work, for them to draw closer, and to realize their mistakes, so they can continue being a good solid family.

That’s big of me yeah. I know, I do it ultimately believing that as I do good and forgive, my healing and lasting and profound change, and blessings will come. Am not a looser. I just fell prey to a lion – that I gave the right to be in my life by my bad actions.

I am changing, and everyday he stays away, is everyday I move away, and get stronger.

Girls, I know you have mentioned best case scenarios of us walking away and then he comes back, I know – cause I myself dreamt of that. But am fast approaching the I don’t care sign, and most likely, and most hopefully the one that says, "if you were single again and was the only man on earth – I NEVER would touch you with a 2000 million hundred foot pole".

Just cant do this anymore, somebody who insults you this deep, and puts you through this shame, you don’t deserve.

I pray to my God out there, to first heal and restore me. and then find me a good man, COMPLETELY UNATTACHED, who loves me tons. and we can start again.

If yall can, search for that movie, "Madea’s Family Reunion". Its great how she found somebody who was just fitting for her, and she didn’t have to lie or sneak or whatever to keep him. I want him to keep his sorry ass, and never dare venture come here again – no, not you in my life again Eddie. Not you in my life again.

You came for a season, whatever you came to accomplish, maybe strengthen me or prepare me for a better future, WHATEVER it is, your done mate – please go.

Guys, or should I say Gurlies, fast forward 20 years from now – WHERE WILL HE BE. I will quietly move on, remain the ever docile little sheep, and I know my most POWERFUL AND MIGHTY GOD, will make a rotten situation good.

Why marry a cheat anyways, even if he came back he would most likely cheat on me anyways, – I deserve better.

PS. better to suffer short term, and gain long term, than to gain short term and suffer long term. I choose to invest long term.

CARE AND LOVE TO ALL YOU GURLS.
written by Clarise, 24 October, 2008
Hi Fed up Fed up,

I must have returned to my MM 3 times before I realized what am I doing?

Your head is on straight and yes, I understand. Hon, keep on keeping on.

You’re amazing. Keep the faith, girl. >
written by young-and-in-love, 24 October, 2008
So, we ended it. Well, actually.. he did. He explained to me that he’s been going to a counselor to deal with all of this, and he says he owes it to his kids and his vows to make an effort with his wife. And he said that his love towards me was keeping him distant from his wife. I must say, that I kept my cool. I acted like I didn’t need him and even though he means alot to me, I’ll be okay. He didn’t actually say he wanted to end it. He said ‘we should take a break’. Like, what does that even mean? Just incase things don’t work out at home, he’ll have me on the side. Sorry, baby.. I won’t be there. Every word that came out of my mouth hurt like hell. Trying to tell him that I just want him to be happy was the hardest thing ever.. I’ve never actually said that, and MEANT it. So, This is just the beginning. I’m left here with a broken heart. But, I’m somewhat relieved. I knew it was too good to be true. And Im actually kind of thankful he ended it, because I sure wasn’t ready.
written by humbled, 27 October, 2008
To Young and in Love-
I’m so sorry for your sadness and heartbreak. And am so proud of your class and strength. You did the right thing, absolutely. And it would be great if you could be a little angry at his implication that he could come back to you, because a little anger might help you over the sadder rougher parts of your broken heart.
I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And a small part of me is envious of your ability to move on so smoothly.
I wish for, and then I dread, the ability to be in your place.
Best to you, and post when you are doing great to give the rest of us joy, hope and motivation. Because I have no doubt that you will be great, stronger and wiser in a fairly short time.
Lots to love to you.
Humbled
written by young-and-in-love, 28 October, 2008
Dear Humbled,
Thank you so much for all your compassion and support. It?s great to come here, where I know I won?t be judged. Being only 19, my friends (the ones who actually knew about the whole ordeal) just look at me like I?m so naïve.. When really, I just fell in love with the wrong man. And humbled, It means a lot that you mentioned the strength I had. I think I am reacting a lot better than I thought I would have. A few years ago, I lost my first love in a car accident. The reason I bring this up is because I noticed how similar these two feelings are. I would give anything to bring my first love back. But bottom line, I can?t. It just wasn?t in the cards for me to have him in my life. And, the more I cry over my MM and wonder ?what if..? I know that If we were meant to be together, we would. (Despite my normal ?everything happens for a reason? skeptism (is that a word?). Humbled, you are SO right about anger helping me get over it. I completely agree. I have said to my friends over and over in the past few days that I just wish I could be angry with him. But truth is, he couldn?t have been nicer about it and I feel no anger towards him (unfortunately). I keep reminding myself that I knew he was married from day one, and I knew what I had to lose (my heart). I took a gamble. I lost, but I learned from this whole experience, which is of course to chase after men who aren?t married (go figure!) I do hope to stay in contact with him. It?ll be hard and I?m sure being friends wont work.. But eventually, when I?ve moved on I would love him to be in my life,, to an extent, of course.
As I read over what I just wrote, It doesn?t even sound like me who wrote it!. I guess all of this is what my head is telling me.. Its what I keep telling myself in order to stay sane. What you aren?t hearing is my heart.
My heart is telling me that I miss him beyond belief. I know all of you are feeling this same way, otherwise you wouldn?t be on here. Maybe you?re still with your married man, or maybe you?re like me.. It has ended. Despite the circumstances, I?m sure that you?re feeling somewhat empty inside, or something is missing. For me, that?s the spot in my heart that my MM filled. And they?ll always be that place for him, and he knows that.
I?ll continue to post on here, since it has helped me a great deal.. And be another to tell my story and share some insight, like you have all shown me (THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!)
But please remember, to all of you.. There are some people who are destined to just walk into your life, teach you a lesson and walk right back out. For me, I believe that was my married man. What about you? Do you think your MM was/is one of these? Agree or disagree?

All the love in the world,
Young-and-in-love
written by Been there, bought the T-shirt, 29 October, 2008
I am out of my affair with a married man, but I disagree with a blanket statement from another man that you were being used. Perhaps you were. Perhaps I was. But I know when giving advice to my friends I always give the caveat that every situation and person is different. Perhaps these married men are indeed torn between the Love of another women and attachment to their family life and security. Regardless we have to take a step back and look hard at what we are missing in staying in these relationships. Life is short and precious. I’m out of my affair, and by his choice even though he initially begged for me to wait until Spring when he feels he’ll be financially ready. Spring I could have waited, but I started dating so I would not be short-changed during the holidays. This sent a men who loves me to call me 14 times the evening of my first date crying? Regardless he finally let me go knowing he can’t get out now and he cannot watch me date others. I’m bitter, my respect for him has diminished, but a small part sees it as an act of love.

Now I am starting to date two wonderful men. I am experiencing that which I missed the 1.5 years I was in an affair by having men buy me tickets to concerts, meet friends in my town, double date.... and am looking forward to progressing in a relationship and their being even more involved in my life with the holidays, meeting my daughters, and family.

I ache still for my married man. I loved him like no other. But I love myself more. I can step back and see that he loves me as well, but he is flawed if he cannot find a way or the strength to get out of his marriage (hell I did it when I was much younger with two small children!).

Focus on YOU, YOU, YOU! Focus on how wonderful it’ll feel when you have a man happy and proud to have you on his arm.
written by young-and-in-love, 03 November, 2008
Been there, bought the Tshirt,
Im so glad to hear that you’re putting yourself back out there! Good for you, you deserve it. I’m jealous that I can’t force myself to do the same.

I was doing so great. I went a week and a half with almost no contact with him.
Tonight, I emailed him. I just missed him. I didn’t say anything I regretted, simply just asked how he’s been and whatnot. He replied almost instantly. Other than a few brief Instant messaging conversations, I haven’t really heard from him lately. He told me a few days ago that he might give me a ring on Sunday (tonight) because he missed me and ‘wanted to hear my voice’.. yeah, I didn’t get the phone call. Surprise, surprise.. his wife must have gotten the night off work or something. haha.
I swore I wouldn’t have any contact with him unless he initiated the conversation. But I had a terrible weekend. The anniversary of my old boyfriends death was on Saturday, and to top things off, 2 of my friends were in a car accident on that same day, they were both on life support, but they pulled the plug tonight on one of them. The reason I mention this is because I think it has a lot to do with why I emailed him. I was vulnerable. I was angry. I was hurt. And for the past 6 months or so, whenever I felt that way, it was my MM who gave me comfort. Sure, I have friends who are more than willing to be there for me, but I think that I am just mad at the world because of an abundance of reasons. Because, I’ll never be able to say goodbye to my friend, because I have so many things left unsaid, because of my father, because of my MM, because she met him and married him before I even had a chance. I’m mad at fate!And sometimes, the only person who can make you stop crying is the one who made you start. I believe that this is what lead me back to my MM tonight.
But tonight, something was different. This is the first time that he wasn’t able to get my mind off things. Maybe he just wasn’t trying? I don’t know. All I know is that tonight, I felt a different vibe. Not from him, but the whole situation. I’m not really a spiritual person, but I felt like it was kind of a sign. As soon as I got an email from him I kind of felt like there are worst kinds of broken hearts. Yeah, I’ll never be with the man im truly in love with, but I’m sure I feel much better than my friends mom, who had to pull the plug on her son tonight.

Goodbye’s suck! Regardless if you know it’s for the best. That doesn’t make the pain any easier.

young-and-in-love
written by old_heart, 04 November, 2008
I have a different perspective that has taken some time to arrive at but one which I would like to share. I have read every post and found so many similarities with my own situation, at least on the surface. I am 44 and single, never been married but have been close 3 times including living with 2 of those men before deciding that marriage with either of them wasn’t right for me so I left, in hindsight I was spot on as marrying either would have been settling and that is something that I refused and still refuse to do.

I have kissed a lot of frogs (no not literally) and never have any trouble meeting or dating guys, I just have never found anybody that I loved enough or had it reciprocated to where I felt that marriage was right for me. In the past I have turned down the advances of many married men, never wanting to fall into that "trap". As I got into my thirties however I changed my viewpoint and decided that if a married man made the first move and I was so inclined, what was the harm in it? I knew I didn’t love these men, but the sex was good and it helped pass the time as I kept looking for Mr. Right.

I became attracted to my MM about a year ago, it took him almost 6 months to make his first move and when he did I was willing to accept his advances. There was no alcohol involved and our first encounter was pre-meditated, so no convenient accident. As I was driving to meet him that first day (hadn’t even kissed him yet) I said out loud to myself as I came to this realization "I am in love with this man". From the first hug, kiss, encounter I knew that he was in love with me too.

It was our 2nd encounter that I asked him what this was for him, was this casual sex? And he said no. I told him good because it wasn’t for me either and that I loved him, he said he wouldn’t be here right now if he didn’t love me too.

We have been seeing each other every chance we get for 7 months now. He isn’t ready to leave his wife, he may never be though he says he will. That all is neither here nor there. I love this man and he loves me and we are happy. Yes it would be nice to spend more time with him but that isn’t reality, not now. I met him one promise too late and I can’t change that and I can’t turn back the clock 20 years nor can he. Love and life is so precious and so fleeting, how can loving anybody for any period of time ever be considered a waste of time? I have never met anybody that makes me feel the way that he does and I know the joy that I bring to his life.

I guess my independence all my life gives me a slightly different outlook, but I am happy. Life is short and I am living each day and loving each day with a passion and zest for all that surrounds me. I have wonderful friends and the love of my life. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
written by learnedthehardway, 12 November, 2008
To Red Rose and all of the women who have been here,
My story is very similar, but I’ll be brief. I was involved with a MM (high school sweetheart) for over a year. He searched me down, pledged his love, even asked me to marry him and started to plan the wedding. He had me house-hunting and making budgets. I have two children had none. He always said he was getting divorced after his wife graduated from college and was able to support herself--even gave a date. I became pregnant early in the relationship--almost his EXACT words too--after all of his previous bs about wanting children more than anything, he has the nerve to say (as I’m standing there holding the "positive" stick in my hands) that "You agree this is not a good time to have a child, right?"

This was a huge wake up call for me. I started to check his stories. The date for his divorce came and went and the excuses flew. My trust waned. He ended up starting to become suddenly more callous and flippant with me about our relationship and our future. My husband found out (yes, I was also married and thought we were also getting a divorce--the plan was for him to divorce first, move to my state, me get a divorce and us get married and live happily ever after).

Here’s what the outcomes were:

1. I lost the baby. Thank God. This man didn’t want the child and my husband was "fixed". My own children and husband would have been devastated.
2. I found out my convictions were correct--he was never planning on divorcing her or moving here. Everything he told me was a lie (gee, it looks like he’s not the only one to do this--when will we learn???)
3. I spoke to his wife--she didn’t hate him nor was a bitch--she actually loved the guy and they are still married.
3. I battle daily with the pain I caused my husband and children--the guilt is horrible. I never thought I was the type of person to do that or that he was the liar he turned out to be.
4. I could have lost my husband and my children. When my husband found out, he was planning on leaving me, and the taking the kids with him.
5. I realize that I could NEVER EVER trust this man again--even if he did get divorced, I would not want him. How could I (or you) ever trust someone like that? Who tells a woman with two children that he loves her, wants to marry her, has her house-hunting, and ready to lose it all for him when he had ZERO intention of ever following through? He is a heartless bastard. I did plan on being with him and would have. But now I hope to help others escape this trap. It is so enticing I know. And the bond from these relationships is strong, but it’s more of an "attachment"/addiction bond than a "love" bond. I read this somewhere else.

Love leads people to be better human beings. If a man loves a woman, he would do anything to make her his own as soon as possible. He would not wait. He would not want you to feel second best to his "bitch" wife--regardless of his excuse. (Mine told me if he were to divorce her at the time that she would take him for half of his business, blah blah blah. Well, there’s never a good time with these men.) The reason they don’t leave is because THEY DON’T WANT TO--or don’t want to bad enough. Apparently, we don’t mean enough. Who wants a guy like that anyway? I say, rip the band aid off! Do a lot of praying, work on your own self esteem and get yourself into a position where you don’t "need" love or approval from anyone--and wait for a real man. My husband and I grew a lot through our whole ordeal and our marriage is stronger than it ever was. I see others in this situation and it breaks my heart.

God bless all of you, and let me know if I can help you in any way.
written by The Fool Again, 14 November, 2008
This is a great site; wish I had come across it during my divorce. My situation is a little different and I hope someone can give me some advice. Here’s the story...
I met my husband when I was 16 (he was 22). He was my first love and we ended up getting married 6 years later. We were married for 14 years when I found out about his 18 month affair with a co-worker. Needless to say I was devastated. To make matters worse, it actually made the newspapers and our children found out about their dad’s infidelity. We went through a hostile, long drawn out divorce and he ended up moving in with the other woman and her kids. They’ve been shacking up for almost three years now. In the meantime, I have had two relationships; one lasting a year and the other almost two.
For the past year my ex and I have not only been getting along well, but we have been becoming emotionally attached again. Six months ago we started having an affair. He told me he’s not happy in his current relationship anymore and wants out. He says he wants to be with me, but we never really talk about it when we’re together (I’ve been too cowardly to bring it up). I never stopped loving him and want him back as pathetic as that sounds. Yes, he did have an affair while we were married, but I wasn’t the perfect wife (I never cheated on him). I know what I’m doing is no better than what she did to me. I worked hard to get my life back together and it took my kids and I a long time to come to terms with everything and be ok. I feel like I’m setting myself up to get hurt again by this man. I feel so happy and alive when we’re together, but the moment he leaves (goes home to her) I can’t breathe. Has anyone heard of a situation like this working out?
written by The Wife, 15 November, 2008
All of you women who indulge in relationships with married men should be ashamed of yourselves. You all don’t understand how you contribute to the many broken families in community. Once you find out he is married or if it is a man, she is married, they should be off limits. You don’t understand how children are hurt because of your selfishness, because that is exactly what it is selfishness! How do you find happiness in being apart of breaking up a marriage? What gets me is that for some reason you think that person is incapable of cheating on you! Wake up! I don’t care, how good the loving is, look at the reality, this person is married to another person and no good is going to come out of it except a lot of hurt and regret for all parties involved. If we women, and yes I blame women stuck together and respected each others relationships, we wouldn’t have all these unnecessary problems we create for ourselves. And we wouldn’t be able to say men are men because you need 2 to tango! I know I probably sound angry, but I’m not, I am just tired of the BS. Why do you think he will leave his wife to get with you? He has no obligations to you legally or financially. If he dropped dead today his wife would get everything and all you would have is a broken heart and wasted years. My husband is having or trying to get out of his affair. I am laughing because we have been together for 26 years and have 5 children. He has herpes as a result of his affair, because like some of you dumb married men, you get played too! You don’t know who she is sleeping with while you are lying to her and think you are getting over! Thank God I am STD free! Now my husband is miserable because he no longer has me and will soon have to pay! And all this for what! Ladies, if you can call yourselves that, because a lady always know when it’s time to leave! WAKE UP!
written by The Wife, 15 November, 2008
Stop being delusional, a married man will never leave his wife! He will tell you whatever he needs to tell you, to make you believe him and stay in the relationship. Why pay for the cow when the milk is free! Even with his herpes, my husband still wants our marriage to work. Its too late for the begging now! I have read all the blogs. First of all, for all of you who fell in love, anything you can fall into, you can fall out of! How do you meet someone and fall in love in under 3 months and just because you are together for 9 months does not make it love either. You all sound like you are in a movie! Lets get real and call it what it really is "LUST". It takes at least 3 years to really get to know someone. When you first start dating or pursuing, both parties are on there best behaviors for at least the first 2 years. It is not until the 3rd year the real you shows up that has been there all along that both of you refused to see because you were both "in love". I feel sorry for you young women that have no sense of direction when it comes to relationships. Where is your self esteem? Where is your mother, grandmother, BFF to talk with? Why would you have children with married men? This just adds to the drama! Because now some of your children grow up without their biological fathers involved in their lives. And that adds more drama in your lives, because now you want to date and have different men, some of them meeting your children, this confuses the child and what role model are you to your child? No a married man will not leave his wife, especially if their are children involved with his wife, you are the chick on the side! You started as "the chick on the side" and will end that way "the chick on the side!" And even if there is a divorce on his part, it won’t work with you both, because your whole relationship was based on deceit! You will not be able to trust him and somewhere in the back of his mind he will not be able to trust you because of how you both got together. You will always wonder if he will cheat on you, because he cheated with you on his wife, to be with you! And he will think wow I cheated on my wife to get with her, how do I know she won’t do the same thing to me? He had to lie to his wife to be with you! Really women soak that up, "HE HAD TO LIE TO HIS WIFE TO BE WITH YOU!" But you want this irresistible lying, deceitful lover! Be careful what you ask for because some of you might just trade places with the wife! In fact I would love to read some blogs from women who married their MM. How is it working for you? I heard something crazy the other day on the radio about a women who seemed to be bragging that she and her married man had a bank account together. She was the fool making the deposits with her money because he was making most of the withdrawals, but she’s in love and doesn’t know what to do! Stop falling for the lies! Even if you speak to the wife and she says yes it’s the truth, put your foot down and let him/her get divorced first, before you get all wrapped up, "in love", in lust and attached. Good luck and God bless! I hope, at least I have made sense to someone and stopped them from making the sad decision to have an affair with a married man! Yours Truly,The Wife!
written by Midlife Crisis, 16 November, 2008
I am a married woman and what I see here is your
need to wreck up a marriage. First you should
find out if he is married before you decide to get involved I can tell you that I have been the wife where my husband decided that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He left and filed for divorce, it became since I didn’t get along with his mother in the first place. He dated other woman, but they treated him like crap, and on one of them he thought that he was going to marry. After three years in divorce court. My husband
and I are back together. So if you would not go after a married man, then you wouldn’t destroy us wives and children My husband went through a mid-life crisis and so do many married men. So if you think that you are going to hold on to your mm, think again.....

Jen
written by young-and-in-love, 20 November, 2008
Dear The Wife,

I think you?re absolutely right about ever trusting a man whom you know first hand has had an affair. Personally, I would have a difficult time ever trusting my MM to only be with me, however I don?t believe that ?once a cheater, always a cheater?. You are who you want to be. If the right person comes along, you?ll do anything to be with them. But, In instances where one or both parties have been part of an affair then the chances of infidelity increase dramatically, no doubt. It?s a tough call. If he has the heart to do it to his wife, he has the heart to do it to you. It would take a lot of trust and respect to make something like that work.
But, you know what? Despite what you think, some men WILL leave their wives to be with the ?chick on the side?. My dad did. Him and his wife are living proof that it can work. I also know several other couples who have made it work. Sure, there is a possibility of infidelity? but there is a possibility in every relationship.

That being said, I think you?re only talking from YOUR experiences. Every relationship is different. You mentioned that it takes 3 years to really get to know someone therefore, at 3-9 months it can?t be love but simply lust. How do you know that? There are no ways to scientifically distinguish the difference between love and lust. Love is a feeling. You don?t have to know someone inside and out in order to fall in love with them. If you?ve never been in our situation, which I presume you haven?t (I say this with confidence because every relationship is different!) then I don?t think you have the right to tell us how WE feel about these men.

Lastly, you said ?Why do you think he will leave his wife to get with you? He has no obligation to you legally or financially?. I just wanted to point out, that not everything is about assets. He made a vow to you. I get that. I understand that you two planned on spending the rest of your lives together. Unfortunately, some people find someone more compatible AFTER their married. It?s cruel, but it happens.

Sincerely,
Young-and-in-love
written by Some Wisdom, 21 November, 2008
To the wives...

As a wife, who’s husband had a affair, I don’t think any of us are prepared for it when it happens. I discovered that it is not about "blame" but it is about the choices we made and learning what we should have done differently. It is a painful lesson and we have grown from it.
written by aube, 22 November, 2008
I have been having an affair with a man that is separated with his wife for the past two months. When we met, he told me he was married and separated for 8 months before we met. He also said he only married her to get US citizenship. I am so glad to be able to talk to someone because it is so hard; every Saturday he visits his daughter; he says he picks her up and doesn’t talk to the wife. But my mind doesn’t know. I am 24 years old and so in love with him already. He and I have moved into an apartment we got together so I don’t know if this means I don’t have to worry. He is the first guy I have been with. I don’t know what my chances are with him. We are together all the time when he isn’t at work. What are my chances?
written by aube, 22 November, 2008
Please if anyone can give me advice. I feel like I am going insane in my head with doubts.
written by humbled, 23 November, 2008
To The Wife and Midlife Crisis-
I think I speak for most of us here when I say that I feel sorry for your heartbreaks. But I think dumping it all on us is short sighted. Only you and your husband know what went on in your home, but the marriage usually does not break up because of the other woman, the other woman is a result of a failing marriage. And I don’t mean that to be hurtful in any way. But laying it at our feet – the marriage has failed, the children’s unhappiness – is simplistic. I have seen the children of failing marriages, and let me tell you they are unhappy without another woman in the picture at all. And of course the word "divorce" is big and scary to children, but they are happier in the long run if their parents are happy. So my advice is, if you are a married woman who has been cheated on and who has a marriage ending, protect your children by shielding them from your fights, your anger, your hurt. As their parents that is your role, no matter how you feel about each other. If a marriage was good and then ended in divorce it isn’t a failure. It had it’s time, and that is over, but (I am not advocating for everyone to get a divorce or for no one to work on their marriage) if you have worked on a marriage and it isn’t working anymore, get over the hurdle/social taboo of the word divorce and move on with your lives.
I don’t think the women on this site are malicious or angry or mean, they have found love at the wrong time. And I’m sorry if this post offends anyone who is already hurting. That isn’t my intention.
-Humbled
written by The WIfe, 26 November, 2008
To Young and in Love, My first question to you was going to be how old are you? But as I read further, I saw young and in love. I am sorry to hear about your parents, and it is no doubt that this has affected you in some way because you are now if I am not mistaken in a relationship with a married man. Children learn what they live! Why would you allow this for yourself, when you deserve better! You have made this choice of settling, in hopes of him leaving his wife because as you say that’s what your father did and you know of people who have made it work. No, I am not just talking from my personal experiences, I know people to. Now about my 3 year statement and love and lust, yes you can distinguish between the two, love and lust, you just don’t want to! What does love mean to you? Then go and define the word "lust." I am writing a book that will address the issue, will let you know when it comes out. I am not dictating to you about what you feel, only you know because you are feeling it. I am just asking you to really look deep before you leap! I told you that I have been with my husband for 26 years and we have been through everything except outside children. I love my husband, but it is not a romantic love, the fire went out a long time ago because of his cheating. I was a stay at home mom and chose not to work, to rear our children. His cheating was a choice he made, not because of anything I had or had not done. He even told me he was selfish! My love for him, is more like, because we have been together for so long, there is feeling of deep concern for him, yes I love him, but not where I feel like I am going to die if I don’t see him or hear from him as some of you may feel. You are young and this is probably your first experience with a MM, correct me if I am wrong. He is probably older than you are. Now about my three year statement. I don’t know how long you have been in your current relationship or if you had any serious relationships prior, but test the waters yourself. There will come a time in your relationship where you will feel something about your mate you don’t like and wonder where did this come from and the fact of the matter is that quality/character flaw was there from the jump, but you did not acknowledge it because as you say you were in love! You only deal with him as the "chick on the side!" Only if you could be a fly on a wall to see how he talks about you to his boys. You should know someone well enough before you put those words out "I love you." I listen to this radio station every morning here in NY. A young woman wrote in this week that she met, fell in love and was now pregnant by a man whom she had only known for three months. Now she has discovered he is cheating on her and other derogatory things about this man whom she is in love with. Now, had she really waited to get to know him, she would have found all of these negatives out. All I am saying is be smart! What is the rush to be in love, especially with someone who is married to someone else? Get to know who you are? Take into account, why would you allow yourself to love (as you say) someone who is technically and legally with someone else. How does that make you feel inside knowing or thinking, HE IS GOING HOME TO HIS WIFE AND HE IS MAKING LOVE TO HIS WIFE! Process that or do you just erase it from your reality, believing what your MM is saying! No, I am not sleeping with my wife! Maybe, overtime as you continue to grow as a person, you will see where I am coming from. Oh before I forget, the reason why I mentioned finances was because, when you deal with your MM, you don’t have all of him, you just fulfill a particular need in a certain space and time in his life. As his wife, the real issues of a marriage come into play. A relationship does not survive off love and sex alone! Talk to your mother and ask her about your parents relationship, what went wrong? There are probably issues you don’t even know about that caused their break up. Ask her how much it hurt? And then look at what you are doing! Girl, you are young enough to be my daughter and I would tell her the same, she is 25. I will be praying for you. Respectfully, The Wife.
written by The WIfe, 26 November, 2008
To Some Wisdom, You are absolutely right, it’s about the choices we make and might I add, the consequences that go along with them!
written by The WIfe, 26 November, 2008
To Aube, Your situation is different but he is still married why are you playing house? Does he have any intent on divorcing his wife? What do you mean he is your first? Your first MM, your first love or the first man you’ve been with? It’s funny, I just had a thought my husband’s, I don’t even know what to call her other than the chick on the side, the other women said the reason why she fell in love with my husband was because he was the only one whom she had been with and had an orgasm. That makes me laugh, she was about 27 years old. You are right, you don’t know what he is doing when he goes to get his daughter, but he has to speak to the wife, it is impossible not to. He has to deal with her until she is 18. Respectfully, The Wife.
written by The WIfe, 26 November, 2008
To humbled, I am not heartbroken and I am not dumping on any of you. I just would like you to hear from a wife. And I am not offended by your post,you are of course entitled to your opinion. Respectfully, The Wife.
written by The Wife, 28 November, 2008
I just wanted to put this out there for the women who are in relationships with married men. Did you know that you could be sued by the wife and financially held liable and have your wages garnished for your role as a contributing factor in the problems of the marriage? Look into the case laws of the state you reside in and also check with any divorce attorney! Maybe, this will deter some of you who can’t leave your MM alone!
written by movingon, 30 November, 2008
I am so glad I found this site.
Here is my story. After separating from my husband I started an affair w/ a MM 12 years my senior. I really did not want to date other men, be in a committed relationship or have emotional ties. I simply wanted a friend with benefits.
We met at a bookstore where we started a very interesting conversation about WWII. Anyways, he gave me the song and dance that there was no passion in his marriage. We started sleeping together about a week after we met, and continued to several times a weeks for about a month. His W found out and we ended the relationship.
A few weeks later, he contacted me and we agreed to resume the affair, which lasted about eleven months. At the beginning, I stayed emotionally detached and had no illusions of him leaving his wife for me. Actually, I wanted this relationship to remain as clandestine as much as he did and constantly cautioned him to be careful with his life. We would see each other about 3-4 times a week. We traveled together, had wonderful meals, saw movies, went to museums and had the best sex.
Sunday, six weeks ago, I got a call from the MM, which was not odd since he would sneak calls a couple times during a weekend to state how much he ?miss? ?love? me. Asking him how he was doing his response was ?not good, she found out.? I was shocked. He came over and I asked him what he wanted to do, and told him if he were to go back to his W that he would never see me again. His response was that he wanted to be with me and he moved into my house. His W, naturally, was angry and constantly emailed me about her husband. I was torn and knew he was, too. What I thought was a no strings relationship, became high drama. Having him live with me for a month was a pure emotional hell, not mentioned that he did nothing around the house. I ended the relationship when his W forwarded an email to me attached with one MM sent her stating that he wanted to go back to her. Although, I do not know the W?s intentions in sending me that email, I am so relieved she did.
Frankly, if we ended up together the fact of the matter is that I would never be able to trust him. I would not be able to handle his depression and those dark times when he could not open up to me. These are all issues his W had to deal with.
Yes I did fall in love and thought he was with me. I am as much to blame for the mess as the MM. Now I am a wreck, but it is time to heal and move on.

written by To Wives, lovers and would be lovers. From Claire, 01 December, 2008
I have learned much from the posts I have been reading and my heart aches.
To the Wives: You have something called HISTORY. This is the glue which ties your man to your heart in the long run.

One thing to consider is their first love; mother.

We come along and sweep them off their feet and fall in love in the process, you raise a family, share a lifetime of delightful memories and then one day things are different.

He’s working late at the office. Or, he speaks about HER constantly until you want to drop the hot chili over his head.

So you wait and do what you can to get his attention.

To the women who fall in love with MM. I am one so this is pointing a very long finger at myself as well. HOW DARE I DISRUPT AN ALREADY FRAGILE MARRIAGE?

But we do. We fall in love and for one reason it is the most wonderful love you have ever known in you lifetime. For the very first time love comes.

Certainly, no-one will get hurt. UNTIL we discover your wonderful man is not as honest and forthcoming as we once thought.

Darling, of course I love you. See, my wife is not well and I must wait until the children are out of college and on their own. But they come back to roost and need daddy.

Finally his daughter marries and you are convinced NOW you can have your time without hiding and secret moments.

Then he shares the news. "I’m gonna be a grandfather."

That glow he once had for you is now replaced by a little rose bud child not more than 7 pounds and he is in love.

Gradually you hear less and less of him until he’s out of your life and has little interest for you.

For those who see him from afar and feel alive for the first time RUN LIKE HELL. Funny how all these posts and experiences have the same ending. PAIN. Not at first; but it does come.

Human nature is so predictable. Too bad I couldn’t see it coming. Actually, I did. I preferred his English accent and charm to being SANE.

I hope this has helped.
Blessing to so many who choose to remain with their husbands in spite of the other woman. I am saddened how I learned my MM’s wife was not beast; rather a charming, sweet lady.

Claire
written by Little Bird, 03 December, 2008
Dear Aube,

This is a heartbreaking story for his first wife. No wonder you are having doubts he used her to gain access into this country. Real nice guy.
You mentioned he visits his daughter. How old is this child. I gather it is an infant in that they were only married for 8 months; or perhaps lived together before she was born.

Dear one, my heart hurts for your loss. I say loss because you already know he’s a jerk. NO-ONE does that to one of our gals and lives to brag about it.

Okay you are in love and because you share an apartment you are wondering what are your chances.

Why bother with this loser. He deceived once and will do it again.
Yes, you are in love and it all seems so right when you are together. But, I am so concerned for you.

The man cannot be trusted. My question would be this. Does he have a girl friend waiting from him?

Hon, the writing on the wall is so brazen and so horrible for you; I can feel your pain. Of course you have doubts. The man is not to be trusted and deep inside you knew that and love takes over and BAM ~ we are sunk.

Get out. Don’t marry this person. God, he’s a leach and will take you for everything he can.
Sadie
written by young-and-in-love, 04 December, 2008
To ‘The Wife’

You’re right. I am young. I just turned 20, and have only been in one serious relationship prior to the one with my MM, if you even want to call that a relationship. Granted, the first one was my high school sweetheart, but it’s still enough to show me what love is. I know that what I feel towards this guy is love, not lust. I have previously mentioned that the ‘relationship’ with my MM is over. I’m trying to get myself back on track. It obviously still hasn’t been easy, but I’m going to be okay. And I’m not trying to justify what my father did.. I’m not saying that I agree with relationships which derive from affairs. I’m just saying that it DOES happen. And sometimes a man WILL leave his wife.
You’re absolutely right about none of your husbands cheating was your fault. And I’m glad to hear that he knows how selfish he was being. I too, knew I was doing something wrong. Despite my father being the way he is, I was raised better than this. I know right from wrong and even though it might not look like it I DO have morals. I was just totally blindsided.
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it. You live and you learn, right? I’m trying to make right. And to answer your question as to what the rush is in being in love with a MM, I didn’t ask to fall in love. It just happened. I went in with no intentions and not a care in the world. Obviously I wasn’t thinking.
I’m just glad that its over before anyone else got hurt.

I’m sorry for any wife who was ever hurt due to infidelity.
Young-and-in-love
written by BROKEN HEART NJ, 04 December, 2008
Hi All,

I am in a horrible situation right now. The man that I have been with for 8 years has secretly married the mother of his child. For years he has been telling me that they were never together etc. Whenever we talked about marriage he said he wasn’t ready right now, he has things he need to clean up with his background issues. I mysteriously found out from someone else that he married her about 2 months ago and we were although we were having a few issues in our relationship lately, we were still together. When I asked him he denied it at first but I had some solid evidence so he bluntly admitted it during a phone conversation. To date he has not really come out with the whens, whys etc. I am torn completely. I did whatever this man wanted and I am a good person. Great job, no kids, masters degree, attractive...I feel myself slipping into acceptance and still having the need to see him and call him. At first when I was angry and questioning him he was very eager to see me and call me but now that I am accepting it he is becoming unavailable or on his time... What do I do? It is so hard to let go right now.
written by humbled, 07 December, 2008
To Broken Heart NJ-
I will give you advice from the voice of experience. Run. If you accept this now, when he cheated on you and then married someone else, it will never get easier to walk away. I realize it is easier said than done, but please please trust me – the order in which this happened makes you a little different from the rest of us, and even we have little hope. You have only heartbreak waiting. So take the heartbreak now, while you still have anger and indignation to lean on, and cut off all contact. He has deceived you and shown such complete disrespect for you, and you deserve better. If he married her while with you he is certainly not going to leave her for you, and how many more years are you willing to invest in a dead end relationship. Your heart will break, you will mourn, but if you walk away now you still have love and children in your future.
To Young and in Love-
I am always impressed with your wisdom. You are wise beyond your years. Have you finally cut off all contact with him or are you still in touch? I’m just wondering. I thought you had walked away, but opened the door to him again. I wish you only good things.
I tried to stay out of the whole "3 years to fall in love" debate because it is so silly to even pretend there is some length of time it takes to know a person or fall in love. You can be with someone for twenty years and not really know them, and I have met many happy couples who felt the love/connection at first meeting and are still (more than 15-20 years later) very in love. Definitely lust plays into things in a good relationship, but that doesn’t end either, or shouldn’t. If that ends, well, then you get a failing marriage and general unhappiness. In my humble point of view.
Much love and support to everyone here. We all know where we have made poor decisions for ourselves so do not need to be knocked down. Still good hearts, good people.
-Humbled
written by young-and-in-love, 08 December, 2008
Dear Humbled,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. We ended things about a month and half ago. It’s been really hard, and have kept in minimal contact. Just instant messaging really for a few moments while were both at work, but no in-depth conversations. Kind of ‘Hey, How are you.. how was your weekend?’ small talk conversations. We’ve kept on good terms, just as friends. And I’m glad. He’s a really great person and to have him completely out of my life would be so much harder than it already is.

He called me for the first time about a week ago, and we talked on the phone for about an hour and a half. I tried to stay away from talking about ‘us’ and just talk about whats been going on in our lives in the past few weeks. He mentioned that he’s been trying to work on his marriage.. he gave it a go and he wants to file for divorce. I’m not entirely sure if that was just his way of trying to reel me back in, but anyways.. I didn’t fall for it. I told him that I’m not interested in talking about it until I see divorce papers and his house is up for sale.

So that’s that. It’s hard. But eventually, I’ll be okay. I’m NOT going to wait around for this ‘so-called’ divorce and I’ll eventually move on. And like I’ve said before, If he goes through with it (and ONLY if he goes through with it) and comes looking for me, If happen to still be available, by all means we can start from where we left off. But I will NEVER allow myself to fall in love with a married man again.
written by pc, 22 December, 2008
I met him 10 years ago when we were working on the same project. I was going through a nasty divorce. Initially, I avoided him since I didn’t care for his personality.

Many late nights for the project which led to our intimate conversations, interactions. And found out that he is actually a very caring person.

I went to his house for dinner with his family (wife, 3 kids) and my 2 children. We had a good time.

His wife found out his affection for me while he was writing an email to me. I rejected him in the email. She was upset with him, cried and yelled. They had long conversations to fix their problems. I don’t know if they discussed divorce at all. She was into him for several weeks, everything went back to the way it was before – ommunication was always centered around the children, family affairs, he didn’t get much attention etc..

We were involved physically for about a year. We see each other frequently for 7 years during lunch hours. (emothinal affair)

He told me he loves me once only. I never told him that I love him or not since I don’t really know if I love him. I didn’t want to mislead him (don’t laugh, it is not a joke), he only mentioned that "hoping you will be around in few years when my kids are out of the house." In his words that he has the need to see his kids on the daily basis, he will not be able to see them if they were divorce. If he didn’t have the kids, he will file for divorce at the heart beat. For me, being the divorced mother, I still see my children on the daily basis.

We didn’t talk for a whole year between 2006 and 2007. (I told him not to call me anymore after he stood me up.) He called me after heard from his friend that I’ve left the company. We met at the border book store, and the first thing he asked me was "do you remember the date when we broke up?", I told him NO and he was sad for the simple reason that I didn’t remember the significant date.

This year, I have relocated to the east coast (from the mid west), he did not know until I informed him. I went back to handle property matters. We met at a deli shop, he was very happy the entire time and flirted with me. He dropped me off at the airport and hugged me. Nothing happen!!!

He is in love with me, but he is attached to his family. He wants to be faithful, but struggles with his feeling for me constantly.

Too be honest, I don’t know if he is the one. I know that I am not happy that he was very indecisive when it comes to follow through with his feeling. But there are certain comfort with him. I am very glad that we broke up a year ago and that we are truly away from each other now.

written by lawyer in california, 23 December, 2008
We were very much in love and after talking up the best game possible, my MM did leave her for me... only to go back two weeks after they allegedly separated. Bottom line, they don’t leave. I repeat -- they don’t leave. Life as the OW is pure hell on earth. Don’t do it. Being alone is far less lonely and painful.
written by I was Blind but now I See, 28 December, 2008
This site, this topic, your responses, especially those of Claire, helped me break the spell I allowed my ex to have over me.

I broke up with him over six months ago when I found out that he had been cheating on me with his ex gf over most of our relationship of 2-3 years. I have been good in not contacting him and re-building my self-respect, intuition and life in general to the point of being quite happy with myself.

But one thing that was still holding me back, like a noose around your neck that someone pulls on from behind, no matter how determined you are to plow on forward, was this nostalgic notion that he was the love of my life because our connection was so special, the best I’d ever had, the best he’d ever had.

Reading this topic, although the situations don’t exactly match mine, I started to realize that weak, immature men everywhere have the same pattern. No matter how wonderful they are, they are too weak to be loyal in the way you expect them to. No matter how well-meaning they are initially, their weakness will get them in trouble and then they’ll resort to "head in the sand" and lying as the basic defense-mechanisms.

Thanks to this site, I understand the attachment he had to his ex, and the love he felt for me. The existence of these two were a mystery to me before ("How can you say you love me but you can’t break away from her?!!!").

Unfortunately for us, their immaturity, lack of integrity and weakness of character can come wrapped in most wonderful packaging (think of his charisma), often with valuable goodies inside such as good intentions and aspirations, kindness, depth of emotion, artistic talent, etc.
But without integrity and maturity it all falls apart and takes us down with them.

We too must have integrity and strength of character. We must nurture self-respect and use intuition, instead of shutting it down.

Thank you again, for all your contributions. I hope they were helpful to you as much as they were to me.
written by I was Blind but now I See, 28 December, 2008
And one more comment for you dear ladies who are in relationships with man who are not available.

I understand the general consensus that "they never leave them". But that statement requires some clarification, I believe. I submit to you my personal opinion based on anecdotal evidence and conclusions drawn from some experience and common sense about relationships. I other words, take it only for what it is.

Married men and women do leave their spouses to form new relationships. However, if that’s going to happen, it’s probably going to happen in the early stages of the new relationship. Kind of like what they say about finding a kidnapped child.

Why do I think that?

I’ll give you an example of my friends Ron and Isabel. They were both married when they met. They both had kids under 10. Iz was unhappy in her marriage, but too insecure to leave on her own. Ron was not happy, but not unhappy either. He was comfortable, the wife was taking care of everything, he spent most of his life working, didn’t spend much time thinking about love or happiness. You know the type of life I’m talking about.

They met and fell in love. For about a year they had an on-and-off thing. Neither of them willing to consider the seemingly insurmountable implications of getting divorced and starting their lives from scratch. Ron’s biggest obstacle was attachment to his family and the feeling of guilt about "doing this to them". He was not special in any way, in this respect. If it were left completely to him, he would not have done anything about it.
Iz was increasingly unhappy about her marriage and falling in love with Ron just made it more clear that she wants to live the rest of her life with someone she loves.

They took a break to cool off and think things over. Other things came into play and the break turned into almost a year.

When they met up again their feelings hadn’t changed. They started talking seriously about the future.

Iz said she would divorce her husband regardless of the outcome. Ron panicked a bit. This was getting serious.

And this is where the crucial part comes in.

I made it very clear to Ron that she was not going to continue having an affair. And I mean very clear, in no uncertain terms. She did it in a calm and gentle way, but exuded self-respect and determination.

They agreed on a deadline for thinking things over (if I remember correctly, it was something like 3 months). Ron went from confident and determined, to chickening out, to determined again, and so on. He extended the deadline once and when he tried to do it again, Iz wouldn’t have it. She didn’t budge. She was disappointed in him. It was going to be over.
When he saw this, how serious the possibility of losing her was (aren’t men ridiculous this way?), it finally hit him over the head and now he had to win her back.

He spent weeks getting all the evidence in place (telling his wife, hiring a lawyer,etc). Only after all those were in place and wheels were set in motion did Iz agree to get back together.

Iz first lived on her own with her child, and she and Ron dated for a year. But only once Ron moved out on his own as well.

Epilogue:
This was almost 4 years ago. They’ve been living together for more than two years. Their kids get along great. I was at their wedding last year.

My conclusion:
The beginning of any relationship is when the ground rules are set. If you allow someone to walk all over you for years, if you make empty threats, they know how far they can go with you and if they’ve used this weakness once, they’ll use it again.

This to me is why when women who have been in relationships with married men for a longer period of time get together, they rightfully conclude that these men won’t leave their wives.

Women who have insisted and made their MMs leave their wives (or stopped the affair as soon as they saw this was not going to happen) are NOT here to tell us about it.

Empower yourselves, my dears. I wish us all the happiness in the world, but we have to ask for it ourselves.

Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes has helped me in my search for my lost instinct and power.
written by Clairise, 02 January, 2009
Happy New Year and be good to yourselves.

written by Clairise, 02 January, 2009
To I was blind but now I see.

Thank you for your kind words. Life happens in strange ways doesn’t it. As for your friend, I am delighted she found the man she knew was on her side rather than being weak and lacking character.

That is one of the things many women know with such a strong instinct; yet, seem to ignore their sense of justice. Right and wrong is valid especially when the man promises and cannot deliver.

Usually the men are as you and many pointed out are weak, incapable of truly loving another woman ~ including their own wife.
It took me months to finally GET IT.

Well, perhaps I did; but denial is our enemy. The sensual senses seem to come out on top much of the time. Love. We need to be adored and cared.
I don’t mean immature love where selfishness prevails; rather having someone respect and care for us.

Blessings for a good New Year for many whom are hurting so.
There are solutions and therapy can help.
Claire
written by Clairise, 02 January, 2009
This came to mind and sometimes is most helpful. If you have a father who has passed and there are major issues; write him a letter. In this letter share EVERYTHING you could not in person. When you have completed such a letter read it aloud to yourself and then burn it or better yet shred the letter.
It may be something you would rather not have anyone else see or be privy to with much difficulty.

Also, apply the same principle with your MM. Instead of sending it to him have it on hand and read it For instance.

Dear Ray,
I don’t know how to share my feelings but you have been making my life miserable. You must know by know you are treating me unlike I could never treat another human being in my lifetime.
You are callous, cowardly, weak and unable to love me the way I deserve and require to be needed.
I refuse to be treated in such a manner that I FEEL as a second class person in your life.
Who are you to treat me and your wife with such disrespect. How could you be so foolish .............. You get the idea.

Remember the lady I spoke with at the supermarket whose husband was having the affair? As I mentioned she lost weight, become a knock out and went back to school for some classes. They are now living in Florida in their new retirement home. He has fallen in love with his wife all over again because she is alive and believes in herself.
She didn’t whine or beg. Nor did she plead for him to leave the other woman.
Instead she purchased a new wardrobe, had her house re-decorated and became exciting for the first time.

My best to you all and best wish for a healthy relationship with the man you adore. Just love yourself even more.

Blessings,
Claire
written by Clairise, 03 January, 2009
To: The Lawyer in California.
We were very much in love.

That is the illusion many of us are left with then the shoe falls to realize he was simply a jerk.
You deserve the best and NEVER fall or go back to him again. We find ourselves vulnerable; in need of sanity.

It is the WORST feeling on the face of the earth. Yes, being the OW is lush and grand when he is willing to give us all.
But they never leave do they. It is an addiction he has for her and I had for my MM.
You will find someone worthy of you and in the meantime know we are hurting for your situation.

Blessing your way,
Claire

written by Clairise, 03 January, 2009
To the Wife:

What does love mean to you? Then go and define the word "lust." I am writing a book that will address the issue, will let you know when it comes out.

I am pleased you are writing. When I was a proofreader I learned and helped others by mentioning the importance of keeping your sentences and paragraphs flowing.

Notice how easy this is to the eye. Rather than one LONG grouping of words.
My suggestion is this. Your spelling is good your grammar is not.
Find an editor who can help you detect the correct manner by which one speaks and takes in each sentence with intelligence.

My editor has me so busy I am five writers waiting for me to view their work.
Good luck in your endeavor. Oh, BTW I make many mistakes. Know when I should have written now. That’s why I also have an editor.

Oh and BTW I also make errors. Rather than now I will write know. It is easy to spot mistakes belonging to others; missing my own even though I look it over with a fine tooth comb.

When it is published I’d love to read it. Give us the title.
Blessings to you.
Claire
written by Clairise, 04 January, 2009
Hi PC,

He is in love with me, but he is attached to his family. He wants to be faithful, but struggles with his feeling for me constantly.

I re-read your post and it was most concise and very clear account with much happening in your life. It is a horrific thing when the MM decides to chase us then realize his wife and family must come first.

My 2nd MM had no guilt concerning cheating on his wife. Not a flinch of regret. Guess what, that should have been a signal that he is not only a jerk but a super jerk.

But, it was his charming British accent and sweet ways. Always had a reason for his insufferable way of flirting with just about every woman.

How do I know? His insecure nature needs the attention of many women.

When I visited him in England some time ago we behaved as children. It was then I decided to have a test for HIV. I am clean. Even though he used a condom; I feared something might be wrong.

We would have lengthy conversations about why he does not have an ounce of guilt for his wife. He says it’s the British way. I say that is BS.

You have been through so much. We all have.
Blessings,
Claire
written by Clairise, 04 January, 2009
To: BROKEN HEART NEW JERSEY

At first when I was angry and questioning him he was very eager to see me and call me but now that I am accepting it he is becoming unavailable or on his time... What do I do? It is so hard to let go right now.

You have turned yourself inside out for this man and he continues to expect you to pull rabbits out of a hat at will. This type of man infuriates me. They are demanding with an attitude.

Yes I agree with the post. Do run like hell and don’t stop even if he begs and tells you how you can work it out and make nice to you.

Addictions are very difficult to break. But you will do wonderfully. There is a sense of pride to realize you truly don’t need him.

Actually the problem remains in you wanting him because the whole stems from being loved and needed. We all deserve to have love. But, from a man who is not connected with a wife and family.

HE WILL NEVER LEAVE HER.

I do promise you this. It will get better. The difficult part is walking through the pain first. Sometimes speaking with a professional or joining a support group is most rewarding.

Blessings you to,
Claire
written by Clairise, 05 January, 2009
Here is a list of helps I found.

Kiki Anniston Reveals: ?The "Secret Reason" Why Women Are Attracted To Jerks, Players and Just Plain Dangerously Wrong Guys.?

Or a guy who made you feel bad about yourself, but for some reason you couldn?t leave him? (Of course, that same guy, at times, also made you feel like you were the only person on this planet – you know, that ?hot-cold? type).

And have you ever walked into a club and found yourself so attracted to one particular guy, you felt like you were in a trance and literally couldn’t stop making eyes with him?

If you answered yes to any of the above, it may be a sign that you?re susceptible to a certain ?dangerous personality type? that psychiatrists have a SCARY sounding name for, which I’ll tell you about in a sec...

...But first, I want you to quickly read through the following list of personality traits and jot down the ones that apply to either the guy you?re dating now or guys you?ve typically dated in the past:

PERSONALITY TRAITS:

1. SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, and slick. Not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. He never gets tongue-tied and has freed himself from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. An arrogant guy who believes he is a superior human being.

3. NEED FOR STIMULATION (PRONENESS TO BOREDOM) -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Often has low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because he gets bored easily.

4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, and will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever (in extreme form, he will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest).

5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS -- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

13. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

14. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

15. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

16. MANY SHORT-TERM RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

written by Michael 257, 07 January, 2009
I have been with my current girlfriend fr 10 years and have been faithful the entire time. The past 3 years we have become stagnant. We hardly make love anymore but we have no other problems. Recently I met a woman at my job who is 13 years younger than me, I’m 47. I started taking her to lunch and we started really liking each other, I told her from the first day I met her that I had a girlfriend and I lived with her. Eventually I wanted to see this girl more and I asked to go out one night, we started getting close but she knew what we were doing was wrong, she eventually leaned over and kissed me one night and that was it, she now wanted to see me more. I started making up excuses at home so I could see her. We fell in love and were seeing each other 4 times a week with me staying at her house. 7 months has now gone by and the new girlfriend is getting upset that she cannot see me all the time and she is getting hurt when I leave to go home. She tells me she cannot do this anymore and that I need to make a decision. I cannot walk out on my current girlfriend because I don’t want to hurt her, she is a good woman and has always treated me well. We have no problems together. I’m now a mess because the new girlfriend is saying that this will be easier on both of us if we split up and don’t talk for a while. We are still talking but we are both very upset, my current girlfriend that I live with is now starting to wonder why I have been so upset. Today I took off work because I am so unhappy I can hardly function, I really love the new girl but am still very attached to the old one. I just don’t know what to do.
written by Also There, 08 January, 2009
Reading these comments are very useful for me because I am in a similar situation as many of you are.

I’ve been involved with a MM for a few months now. As in so many other cases it started out as being friends. We have a great deal in common and although I was not looking for love at the time, it kind of snuck up on me and at the same time he had similar feelings.

We were very open with one another and I knew he is in a marriage with the same kind of problems that others describe: lack of affection and sex and a wife whom he likes and respects, but who is also controlling and whose views on various topics are very different from his.

They have a very well appointed house and garden and a 19-year old son whom they both adore. He did have an affair a number of years ago but ended it because his mistress started demanding more. In other words, his case is as typical as it can get.

Meanwhile, however, we are both in our 50s (and I suppose therefore should know better) but nevertheless our attraction to one another became overpowering. I did not want to have an affair with a married man and told him so, but the love I started to experience and which he returns, became too powerful and I gave in to the feelings if not to the actual sexual affair yet.

About a month ago, he started going through the process of trying to sort out his mind about where his life was going. I knew that he was in emotional and mental pain to work things through and remained loving and supportive without making any demands.

They went away for the holidays with friends and stayed longer than planned. In the meanwhile I went through all the trauma of missing him and being worried about how he was handling things since he is a genuinely caring person and really wants to do the right thing.

Well, it came as a major shock – but not as a complete surprise, that he decided to give his marriage another try. He told me this a few days ago and it almost killed me because the raw pain of something like this at my age is terrible. I was also angry at him because he had not told me he was considering a reconciliation – my impression about the things he was trying to figure out, was that his main concerns were financial and his son and that he was trying to decide how to extract himself from the complicated world of a rich man with all kinds of material considerations, a wife whom he liked but did not love in a romantic way any longer, the son and also family and friends.

According to him most of those things might be "complex, but not insurmountable" and I thought it might only be a matter of time...

Anyway, I am here with a major heartache and will simply have to live with it and get over the shock and confusion that it is causing. He is suffering greatly too – because of what he says he did to me and he says it is almost unbearable to love me and yet hurt me etc.

The melodrama aside, I did know what I was letting myself in for and I did make it clear to him that our relationship could go no further than it had gone unless he first sorted out his marriage. It was a major gamble – and not surpising that the outcome wat not what I wanted.

There is no message in my story other than to say it hurts a great deal and although some people in this thread have implied that affairs come easy and are cheap, and that the wife almost always is in the right to play all the cards of family, possessions, habit and even sex, things sometimes just happen. Few people are looking to get into an affair, because it is common knowledge that it is a dangerous thing to do.

So yes, sometimes things just happen. I don’t know of many really happy marriages and from all I have observed around me and from the other stories here, it is ironic how few people do choose the heart and a new found happiness over habit and money.

One thing that often gets mentioned is that men (and women) stay with their partner "for the sake of the kids". Yes, dealing with the kids is always a big problem, although it is not impossible to handle a separation with sensitivity and have the kids coming out of it "OK".

My own parents were very unhappy and only divorced in their late middle age. I wished all my life that they had done so earlier. It would have saved many people a lot of hurt and the stress of living in a family where there is no real love between the parents. Children are not stupid, they sense these things.

All of that said, my penny wisdom about these things is worthless since he has made his decision and I respect it.

It is very hard to be left with such a deep emotion at my age. Rationalizing things does not make it better.

I will grieve over him for a long time – it is not very likely that I will love like this again.

written by Clairise, 08 January, 2009
Hi Michael,

I believe it is possible to love two people at the same time. Basically I feel you are a decent person.

What you need to do is take time off of work, sit her down and explain what has been going on with you and this younger girl.

Three years ago something caused your relationship to slide downhill fast.
You are not alone. You met someone who is younger and exciting.

Today I took off work because I am so unhappy I can hardly function, I really love the new girl but am still very attached to the old one. I just don’t know what to do.

You love the new girl but attached to the old one.
OUCH.
What you are saying is I need my mommy and my new love as well.
Dear man, you cannot have it both ways.

Ten years is a long time to give to any woman. Some marriages don’t last that long.

You could make up a list of all the qualities of each woman and still be beside yourself. You must consider this. Can you see yourself growing old with your girlfriend or the younger gal?

I was married for over forty years and I cheated; so I am not saint. It is easy to see how wonderful it is with the other woman.

YOU are not married. Thus even though you have a connection do you have children together?

How may I help you?

Blessings to you.
Claire
written by Clairise, 08 January, 2009
Michael,

I re-read your post and realized something most important.
You said:

We fell in love and were seeing each other 4 times a week with me staying at her house. 7 months has now gone by and the new girlfriend is getting upset that she cannot see me all the time and she is getting hurt when I leave to go home. She tells me she cannot do this anymore and that I need to make a decision.

How important is your initial girlfriend and isn’t she getting a bit suspicious something is happening in your life?

Girl #2 has her head on straight and should release you.

You are upset? Good gravy.

Claire
written by Clairise, 08 January, 2009
Will wonders ever cease. This afternoon I received 2-dozen long stem red roses.

Ladies, he’s back.

My 2nd MM came to my door 30 minutes after the flowers were delivered and had to speak with me about an important matter. Seems he and his wife are having problems. She’s in love with a man 10 years her senior and he’s left with egg on his face. Gee-that’s a shame.

I thanked him for the flowers and told him WE could never have a future.
Simply because we are both available does not provide for a good solution of hearts. I could never trust him.

He was shocked and outraged. He flew all the way from England to ask for my hand in marriage and I had to turn him down.

He had to find a motel as he was not going to sleep under my roof.

REALLY!!!

Talk about nerve. Yes the flowers were lovely but he is just not trustworthy.
He was thinner than I recalled and looked so disappointed.

After he left I could not stop shaking. See part of me still adores him and I was so close to allowing him to step into my life once again.

Still in shock
Claire

written by Pauline, 09 January, 2009
I read your post and am trying to figure out what your problem is. You have two women who adore you going out of thier minds with worry.

Oh, come on. Get over yourself.

P.
written by Clairise, 11 January, 2009
Hi Also There,

We are sorry for the pain your heart is feeling at the moment. It shall get better. It takes time and resources of finding a new avenue whereby one can discover sanity. Your post brought to light something I would like to address.

HOME. This is the main reason and ingredient why a man never ever can leave to be with the woman he is having an affair with at the moment.

Home represents safety. Plus, his wife holds the glue to their history by knowing his every move. Over the years she has probably seen more than one affair.

A psychiatrist friend of mine mentioned how men are testosterone beasts and even with an affluent situation; successful in business and in the community, he is always looking for that challenge.

It is the nature of many men to require to feel young again.
Oh, BTW NEVER ever believe a man when he suggests to you he and his wife have not been sleeping together. That is utter nonsense.

But, he loves me and I do believe him with all my heart.
I am so very sorry for the many women who continue to hold onto his as a means by which she (the other woman) shall never win.

It is wonderfully exciting and the sex is awesome.
Then, comes the reality check of who he is and where he desires to be.
At home with his wife and son.

How could he do this after so many talks and moments of pure bliss?
It happens over and over and we have been fools to believe a MM when he tells you just one more month. When the kids leave home. My wife is not well.
"And the hits just keep on coming," don’t they.

Why is it that in the beginning; love is new and fresh and the world is glowing.
Then all suddenly, it is a horrific blow when he shares, "we should try and cool it for a while."

In other words – "Get lost."

There are relationships where the man is truly deeply in love with the other woman. But, that’s what we are to them. His wife is in his will, and insurance policies where he lovingly keeps her safe.

We are other women when we try out other women’s men.
There is no sense of priority or respect; just lots of good sex.
You notice he never tires of sex.

Take a deep breath and best to you.
Blessings,
Claire
written by Also There, 12 January, 2009
Dear Claire

Thank you – most of what you say is probably true.

As said before, the situation is also probably similar to most of the others here.

My rational self tells me, and has been telling me for some time, that an outcome such as me getting hurt is almost certainly inevitable. I also did not come here to hear that it is only a matter of time and he will be back with me or that there is a 50/50 chance that he might still leave his wife, son and home for me. I know and knew the odds were stacked up against me.

Two things do make it somewhat different from the other stories, though, and I simply wanted to share that with other people who might be in similar situations:

Firstly, we are both in our 50s and it becomes harder to deal with this kind of pain as you get older. You think you have the experience of a lifetime behind you and you think you will not make this kind of mistake. But sometimes the heart is not dictated to by all the rational things and the emotions sneak in by some back door. For me – but also for him. He fought against them as hard as I did. I am not defending him, I am merely stating a fact. He is torn in two and without going into details, chance remarks by mutual friends who know nothing about our relationship have told me he is currently in an even worse emotional state than I am in (and I am feeling devastated). Should I hate him for that?

Secondly, we did not have a sexual relationship yet (but would almost certainly have started one). We got to know one another very well and were both careful about where it might lead – but the feelings refused to be dictated to.

I can understand why he is giving his marriage another try. At the moment I almost wish I were married too – just so that there could be arms to console me.

I have no illusions about this relationship.

But it does not make the pain less.

He was mine for a while in the most important way in which he could be. But yes, on the balance sheet of considerations, I could not weigh up against his home, son, money and also the relatively good relationship that existed between him and his wife anyway.

It was doomed to fail. I guarded against us having a sexual relationship. Both of us, however, got addicted to having someone where shared world view, humour, common interests and mutual respect and admiration turned into love.

I cannot hate him. I do not think of him as a calculating bastard because he simply is not. He was not out on a conquest. Should I be despised because I fell in love with some married man? Does it make me a calculating bitch who wants to steal someone’s husband?

It is devastating to "see" what something could be. To feel what it feels like to be understood and loved for being you in ways that you have never experienced before – and to understand and love someone in the same way. We knew one another’s shortcomings; we fought against friendship becoming love.

But it did. I know it is better that it ends now rather than later – because if it had gone further it would have been even worse. None of us used sex as a weapon – we knew it would happen because the mutual desire was there. He made his choice to stay put before that aspect of our love could find expression.

Maybe he was being wise. Maybe he was being selfish. It does not really matter. The outcome is the same.

My participation here is simply to say that not all affairs are about sex (although in our case it did play a role and the desire wasthere.

Not all men who get involved with someone else are cold, calculating bastards who need their sexual egos to be stroked.

And not all wives are in the right or need to be protected. Some wives ARE blind to their husband’s intellectual and emotional needs in addition to their sexual ones. Women become complacent in their marriages and take their comfortable lifestyles for granted. It was that kind of complacency that opened the way for my guy to be hungry for love – he had been lonely in his marriage for many years. I know this to be not only a "story" because that is not what he told me, but came to my knowledge through different means – which are irrelevant to this note.

I know and accept that there is a pattern of behaviour and yes ours falls into it in many ways.

He might benefit through a revitalized marriage in the end. I have a broken heart and some memories of seeing the promised land – but not being able to cross the river to get there.

I think what I am doing here is just to share my grief. The sun does still come up every day – but its rays fail to warm me.

Also There
written by Clairise, 12 January, 2009
Hi Also There,

I cannot hate him. I do not think of him as a calculating bastard because he simply is not. He was not out on a conquest. Should I be despised because I fell in love with some married man? Does it make me a calculating bitch who wants to steal someone’s husband?

No of course not. You are a kind, caring woman who just happened to fall in love. Some women have no sense of priority.

You are both deeply in love; as his heart is breaking there is a horrible sense of I didn’t ask for this pain.

Sharing much in common brings a couple closer. As he watches his wife perhaps not growing emotionally and intelligently you had much to enjoy.
Humor, sense of life and how we need to be needed deeply.

I see a lovely person who experienced a sweet love. The love of your life is doing what he feels best. His family is important to him and maybe one day he will be free so you both can belong together.

There are some couple who remain in a loving relationship for years.
At sixty-something and not young and impulsive; I understand how important it is when two beings find one another and know this is the person I belong with for the rest of my life.

My situation was mostly filled with intimacy. Then when we did share sex it was outstanding. The guilt of him cheating on his wife and me on my husband was horrible.

Your insight is outstanding and I am pleased you can share your wisdom.
I would say he will be back to you.
Indeed, you should not be denied a love so pure.

If only to email, talk on the phone, hold hands.
Could you do this? Would you be willing to be there for him when his life falls apart and be his partner. Not the other woman; rather more like his love.

This is unusual for me to say this. Don’t give up on such a lovely man.
He loves you. This is not a cheap romance. YOU LOVE HIM!

Forgive me for being so liberal and forthcoming. This is a love that should not die. Am I asking you to get involved only to be hurt twice as much?
I’m not sure. But, I do know this. He’s dying inside. Call him.

My MM asked for my hand in marriage. I could not because he had no remorse about having an affair. Had little concern for the woman he married.

Your man has character and is kind. God woman don’t let him get away.
Forgive me. I just had to say that.

Blessing your way.
Claire
written by Michael 257, 14 January, 2009
Claire , We do not have children together, but I never thought I would be thinking of leaving her. We have had no problems together in all the years together, in fact this is the longest relationship I have ever been in. The problem is on my end, I have been finding myself looking at younger women and when I met this new one she knocked me off me feet.

written by Pauline , January 09, 2009
I read your post and am trying to figure out what your problem is. You have two women who adore you going out of thier minds with worry.

Oh, come on. Get over yourself.

Pauline, you seemed to have misinterpreted something , I am not full of myself at all. The younger girl will call me 5 minutes after I leave her house very upset saying she misses me, I cry my eyes out on the ride home because I don’t know when the next time I will see her, and Im also feeling guilty that I have been lying my ass off at home to my old girlfriend.My emotions have been going crazy. I have never been in a situation like this before and it has been very hard on me. I haven’t made contact with the new girl for over a week now, Im here now with my old girlfriend and Im doing ok but I would be lying if I told you I haven’t been thinking of the other girl.

written by Cherylynne, 14 January, 2009
I just ended a 3 yr relationship with the most beautiful soul I have ever met. He gave me the kind of love most only dream about. His wife worked 14 hour days because of her love of science- she wanted to & on weekend too. So we were together every day – We were both self employed.We spent more time together than married couples. I would forget he was married. I don’t regret giving him the purest love – he had never experienced love with such a connection and neither had I. he gave me the most tender love I have ever known. We would just hug and tears would be there. I don’t regret a moment. He says his wife is a good person but he doens’t feel love or passion at all. He did divorce her but he decided to go back to his country. He decided that meeting me while deceiving his wife- we would have a stained future- I think he might be right,I am 44 and still waiting on the one husband for me to share my life with. Because of that affair, I now know how to love and how to show love deeper and how to express tenderness. BUT I must admit anything you have to do in secret or hide is not ever a good situation. UNLESS its a surprise party smilies/wink.gif
written by Also There, 14 January, 2009
Hi Claire & others,

Thank you for understanding and realizing that even "typical" situations sometimes are not.

Of course a part of me wants him to leave her and be mine. Another part of me says if he does that, he will again be ridden with guilt, but for different reasons.

His wife is a very lucky woman. I hope she succeeds in making him happy and learns to love him again, because at least some good should come out of this.

I’m thankful for this place where I could "talk" a bit.

I have now succeeded in getting him to "talk" to me about something (by e-mail) that needed to be sorted out and that mostly affect other people. I also told him in the process that I am OK with his decision even though it hurts and in due course we will also talk through some of the unnecessary hurt caused during the break-up because as friends we ironically cannot really talk to others about those things.

Thus, I am holding on yes – but am trying not to be under the illusion that returning to friendship will make him mine.

It would be a fairy tale for both of us, I think, if that could happen – but only very rarely do fairy tales come true.

Loving him is the easiest thing I have ever done – and the hardest, with the possible exception of doing what I have been trying to do now: letting him go.

Should he come to me one day, I will be here because I don’t think lightning strikes 3 times in a lifetime. The previous time I really loved was 24 years ago and all the relationships before that and since have paled by comparison.

I like men, they like me. My ego is intact as far as that is concerned. But I have never been able to settle for second best emotionally because I see all around me how compromises on love and real intimacy lead to unhappy marriages or simple marriages of convenience where nobody is really fulfilled.

I guess I’m the girl who want(ed) too much. And when much to my surprise the answer to my inner questions slowly sauntered into my life through friendship and humour, it took a while for me to realize what it was. The "shock" came in the form of realizing it was mutual – and elusive at the same time.

I do love him very much – and he loves me back.

Maybe all we get is that little taste. Many people never get even that and tear around all their lives making money and being "busy" but never get to find the person who does not look at you for confirmation of what he/she is, but with whom you could sit closely, holding hands and look out at the world together.

written by Clairise, 14 January, 2009
Dear Also There,

I feel like your cheerleader. Normally I don’t find myself so emphatic and deliberate towards one person I don’t know. Yet, your overwhelming sense of fair play has me hoping one day you shall be together.

Yes, his wife is very lucky. There is this sense he shall become weary of her inability to keep up. Unable to participate with the same thought process you both shared; he shall miss you terribly.

Fairy Tales are for the young; filled with illusions of something happening when it is impossible. This dear man you love shows much character and kindness. I am falling in love with him myself.

As it stands you are most astute and know exactly what will work for you both and it shall be sweet. Unable to be together; there is a delightful way of finding your hearts healed if you should decide to email each other daily.

It will be like fine wine. Sweet and with the right flavor.

Some couples remain this way for years. It is a way of being close and never forgetting the important part of love.

Blessings dear lady.
Claire
written by Clairise, 14 January, 2009
Hi Michael,

I hear your pain and you must be dying inside. But, you are in this position. I care for my girlfriend, but think of my new girl constantly.

She has you in knots.

May I add this to help you sort some things out.

Your new girlfriend is demanding.
This is a sign of immaturity on her part.
She NEEDS you all the time. I am sure the sex is fantastic.

Your girlfriend signifies HOME. Home is where it is safe and comfortable.
Home represents a place when your needs are met.

Your new girlfriend is hot and you cannot stop thinking about her.

Somehow you are going to have to make a choice but know your girlfriend at home has been there for you all this time.

Forget the sex and how hot this other younger one is and try and establish a loving relationship with your original girlfriend; or break it off.

Somehow you must find a way to make your relationship work and find out why things have gone down hill.

I am pleased to know children are not involved. That always makes it more difficult if there is a separation.

Michael, you are not a bad person to have these feelings, just confused.

Some women know how to turn a man into mush.

Take care and best wishes.
Blessings,
Claire

written by Clairise, 14 January, 2009
Hi Cherylynnem

Because of that affair, I now know how to love and how to show love deeper and how to express tenderness.

What a lovely outlook you have. Rather than hating him you have learned a life lesson. Love comes sometimes only once; maybe twice.

So much love you have in your heart. I admire your concern for his wife and your comment:

".....anything you have to do in secret or hide is not ever a good situation."

When I flew to England to be with cousins I did meet up with my MM after many months of knowing we were deeply in love.

The guilt of having sex with him was horrible. What seemed worse was his lack of remorse caused me great concern. Seems like I was more worried about her than he was. Their loved died and he was not emotionally attached.

Thank you for sharing your heart and words.
We can all learn from one another.

Blessing your way.

Claire
written by Michael 257, 15 January, 2009
Clairise

You are right I am in knots and very confused. I’m trying to deal with this best I could right now, but If I don’t start feeling better with my decision to stay with my original girlfriend I’m going to have a serious talk with her and also with the new one on how I have been feeling and hopefully I can come to some kind of solution.

Thank you four insights and also for listening.
Michael
written by Clairise, 15 January, 2009
Hi Michael,

We all come to a crazy time in our lives when decisions over which lady do I want to spend the rest of my life with comes down to ....... who?

The mature one who loves you and has needs or the immature girl who lights a fire under you that just won’t go out?

Think long and hard before making any rash decisions.

My concern is this. You have noticed yourself being drawn to much younger women and your relationship at home is not alive. Can you determine why that is and what caused this to happen?

Be very sure when you make your choice.

Blessing, it is never easy is it.
Claire
written by january09, 15 January, 2009
I had been seeing a married man for 9 mos. He has been married for 20 yrs and is 15yrs older that me. Iam also married and have been so for 4 years. I met this guy at work. He became friends and during that time I needed that. You see my relationship with my husband has never been good. I don’t no why we got married and my family keeps asking me when I plan to leave my husband? I guess I kinda feel sorry for him. My husband had been unfaithful in the past and even had some problems with the court system. I felt like I could trust this married man who was my coworker. I ended following hard for this married man. He told me all the things I want to hear. He help me feel loved again. We talk about a future together and starting a family. However, things recently ended, he broken my heart. When I ask y? HE said that he was sorry and was being selfish and did not no what he wanted and need to focus on him. I was left deeply hurt because he made me believe in a future. I still love him . The worst part is that I have to see him everyday at work and he acts like anything happened. When I’m dying inside. I honestly thought that our situations were similar. He recently told me that he does not love his wife but has feelings for her. He told me, he wants to leave but does not no when? I told him that if he had told he this from the beginning none of this would have happened. He tells me that he’s love with me and always will. I was ready to leave my spouse and everything behind for him but he just broken my heart. Now I have to continue living my life with my husband who treats me bad. I’m so deeply hurt and so stupid for believing him. And this is something I cannot share with anyone I no. All I can do is try to heal this pain.
sam
written by Also There, 15 January, 2009
Hi Claire & all,

Thanks again for listening and understanding.

I’m really grateful for a place like this where I can just talk.

This evening just as I was on my way out, he phoned me and sounded really lost. However, I told him I cannot really start a meaningful conversation in 5 minutes.

We’ll talk again. What will happen is unsure – my emotions are still topsy-turvy and no doubt so are his, so anything we say right now will be tainted with those things.

But at least I know for sure now that a connection is still there under all the hurt and longing and despite some hurtful things that were said during the break-up. What it will lead to, I don’t know. One thing is sure – I am not going to allow myself to be hurt in the same way again.

If there is to be a next time when there is more than friendship, and the conversations were to become more intimate – and if we were to act on those, it will have to be under a new set of rules – and those will include that he will have to be free to court me.

Likelihood of that happening in a hurry? Very small.

However, the friendship can be salvaged and there never was any doubt about the love.

Quo vadis?

Nobody knows. I have an open mind and an open heart, but this break-up has shown that, however much one wants to see the shades of grey, the choice is basically now one of white or black: it is her or me.

In theory – and in practice – he has already chosen his path forward but I just cannot close the door on "us" yet. Not completely. He is already beginning to feel the result of his decision – that I can hear.

I don’t want to be in his shoes to have to make the choice again, so the likelihood is that it will not have be made again. It takes two to tango in a marriage. I am up against a current dance partner who is respected, has all those things that equal attachment and security – and is intelligent enough now to be doing a bit of fighting of her own to keep what she has. The details are unimportant and I really do not even want to know, but if this love is to win against all the odds, it will be a minor miracle – or indeed that one fairy tale that does come true.

But having a "cheerleader" (*smile*, thank you for that, Claire! I am really touched by it!) and knowing the mutual love is really special and honest and deep, I am doing what I should not.

I am still hoping. A bit.
written by Clairise, 16 January, 2009
Dear Also There,

Quo vadis meaning "Where are you going?"

This is the beginning of your life with a man you deeply love. Where you are going is ruled by your heart and his ability to recognize you do have a future if he is willing. And then there is the guilt he faces.

Yes, you are hoping a bit. You want to do the right thing by him and his partner.

To be courted is lovely.

And then there is distinct evidence of his stress as he turns to you for sanity. This shall happen.

It is the manner by which one escapes the madness of an injured marriage. Your love shall prevail in the purest form of sweetness.

Perhaps friendship with miles of respect and kindness is what you shall taste. Nothing sordid with a flavor of vile; rather a love that shall never die.

The evidence and facts are indisputable: you both need one another.

He is miserable without you.

It’s okay to understand his wife does not appreciate his wit, intelligence; in her droll manner, she is unable to complement him.

This I have seen in many marriages where one seems settled and unwilling: perhaps unable to provide what is necessary to allow a marriage to flourish and grow.

Your love shall not die. One way or the other you shall know you are adored and cared for in a way most never experience.

This is not a cheap affair where your sensual needs outweigh your need to complete him.

Best wishes to you dear lady.

Blessings,
Claire

written by Clairise, 16 January, 2009
Hello Sam,

You mentioned your husband and the court system. Has he hurt you and caused you physical pain?

Most important you are NOT stupid. When our marriage is on the rocks and another person SEEMS to be so caring; we become vulnerable and hang onto those words he used.

Your family is concerned for your safety. I’m not sure if you have children.

If you did leave your husband would you have a place to stay where it is safe?

It is obvious to you your MM was using you dear. Why he would be so cruel I cannot understand. But the wold is filled with jerks.

I know you still love your MM and is difficult to imagine he is distancing himself from your relationship.

Hang in and know this is a safe place to vent.

Blessings to you and do stay safe.

Claire
written by Hurt so bad, 20 January, 2009
I come across this site and find that it really tells how I feel and I am not alone like this.

My story is a little different, I have been with the MM for 7 years, however, in the first 4 years, I did not know that he is married, at dating time he told me he is single and every now and then discuss with me about our future. However, 3 years ago, accidentally I discovered that he is married but he denied immediately at the time and he was going to divorce but it was not yet the right time to tell me. Worse later more I know that he has a son as well.

Like those who left message here, I love him very much, he is my first love and I don’t know what to do when I knew this shocking news. We broke up once but I miss him much and he said that he will handle the marriage. The most heartbreaking is that he let his wife and son to move back in the same house. Told me the reason that he is forced by the mother as father cannot take this news. He knows I love him much, he seems to take me for granted as I did not leave him even I know that he is MM, he makes me stand by to wait for his free time. And he told me what the advice given here, he said he was not sleeping with his wife and his wife was not good to him before. I doubt but my heart and love makes me believe him.

I am very much in pain, I want him to be single but he told me that he loves his son, can’t shock his father and wife is alone. I met him when I was 18 years old and he is 17 years older than me(actually he lied about his age before, saying that I will go away if I know his real age). He tells me that he loves me and with lots of good memory especially when the time I don’t know that he is MM, my love is still strong.

I am lost and I don’t know what to do, every night I cry and depressive that why he did all to me though he says he loves me, why can’t he leave her for the promises that he made to me before. I love him much but I know I can’t hang on like this.

Please advise me what to do, I don’t know how to leave him and worry about the life without him.
written by Clarise, 21 January, 2009
Dear Hurt So Bad,

Yes, dear lady, you are hurting more than I have read on this site. It is so easy to become ADDICTED to one individual; and even through the lies, we still want things to be good for us don’t we.

Let’s talk about how you can find peace through so much aching of your heart.

This is when you take time for yourself. Realize you are a worthy person and concentrate on being with good friends and family. Surround yourself with those you care and love you.

The sad part of all this transition of being apart from your MM is to recognize there is no magic pill to make you feel better over night. It will take time and the pain shall hurt.

When you can feel angry with him and realize he’s not worth being with a fine person as yourself; then you can begin to heal.

I have re-read y our post.

....... he said he was not sleeping with his wife and his wife was not good to him before. I doubt but my heart and love makes me believe him.

That is the oldest line most MM use. NEVER ever believe a man when he says he is not sleeping with his wife. There are too many lies already and of course you want to believe him.

It is only natural to wish what he told you was truthful. As it stands you need to truly find another source of enjoyment and FORGET this man who gives the excuse of hurting his mother and father.

I do believe he will forever be with his wive and does love his son.

Please advise me what to do, I don’t know how to leave him and worry about the life without him.

Leaving him is the easy part; in that you just do it. You may tell him you cannot do this any longer and you need a fresh start.

Living without him is the difficult part and it shall hurt until you find yourself realizing I don’t need him in my life.

Each post I have read is dealing with pain. There is no easy way to make this feel good. But, you have your head on straight in that you realize there is and will never be a future with your MM.

Too many lies, deceptions and down right taking you for granted.
I wish I had some magic formula to make you feel better.
We are here for you when you need to talk.

Take care and find happiness.
Blessings to you.
Claire
written by Sam09, 22 January, 2009
Claire
Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. My husband is involved in the court system due to addiction problems and not for hurting me. My family wants me to leave him because he does not have respect for me. We do not have children. I guess for me the hardest thing is knowing what to do? I’m still deeply hurt by how my MM using me. I guess, I should have known better that to believe in him. But at the time I was going to alot with my husband. I wanted to believe that I could be happy again. My husband had lied and been unfaithful and we were dealing with his addiction problems. I’m still with my husband but he knows that I’m not happy. I guess right now its hard because not only I am dealing with problems at home but also dealing with the hurt my MM cause me. I still have to continue to see him everyday and work and act like I’m ok with it. But I’m really dying inside. I miss having someone to talk to about my hurt but I no he is not right for me. I have asked him to leave me alone but I still miss him. However, I no now that he was using me and never want to leave his wife. I guess the lies hurt the most. Because my MM knew my situation and added to my pain. I’m deeply hurt by all of this .... Thanks for listen
sam
written by Hurt so bad, 22 January, 2009
Thank you Claire for being understanding and encouraging, you really know how I feel.

I know I can just tell him about leaving, but my mind keeps on thinking about him, we had not been together for 6 months before, but almost I developed depression, I couldn’t eat and sleep. I have thought of going to therapy but money and my job nature make me stop going to it.

I do start to meet friends more often, but in my heart I feel sarrow and only put my smiles in front of them.

I feel very much worthless and in hope that perhaps he will "wake up" seeing that my love to him is so deep and true.

Thank you for listening to me, I feel nicer knowing that someone is here.
written by Clarise, 23 January, 2009
Hi Hurt So Bad,

I couldn’t eat and sleep. I have thought of going to therapy but money and my job nature make me stop going to it.

Depression is horrid to endure. Yes, therapy can be costly.
Consider this. Some hospitals have free group therapy sessions once a week for your needs. I found therapy and group therapy at my local hospital to be rewarding.

There, I met people (mostly women) going through the same ordeal I endured and we were all there for each other. It was there where I regained my self esteem and realized I am a worthy person and don’t need him in my life.

I feel very much worthless and in hope that perhaps he will "wake up" seeing that my love to him is so deep and true.

You will feel worthy again. This I promise you. But, it takes time.
Yes, your love is deep and true; but, he is not worthy of your love.
You need a man (single) who can love you completely w/o the lies and deception.

A man who does not have a wife and child. Unfortunately we don’t always choose to fall in love with single men do we. My MM promised to divorce her and we would be married. He was a weak, pathetic excuse of a man.

One day you will realize he’s not going to hurt you anymore.. But, it is difficult getting from A to C and realizing it will hurt; but not forever. You are on the road to recovery already.

Talking about it is one step forward.
You believed him to be single and didn’t ask for this pain.

Here is a way of feeling much better. Realize you are now going to empower yourself and take control over the situation. He cannot hurt you anymore.
Yes, you will miss him and it will be difficult for a while.

Best wishes to you,
Blessings,
Claire
written by Also There, 23 January, 2009
Dear Hurt so Bad and Sam,

Just wanted to say I know the pain you are going through. So many people think that the women who get involved with married men are terrible people who are out to "steal someone’s husband" or who don’t care about anyone but themselves. Yes some people ARE like that and act without conscience, but the holier-than-thou talk show hosts and letter columnists and others who tend to condemn the "other person" outright as being bad by nature are simply wrong and wear blinkers to the real world.

Very often people assume that a marriage certificate will make a marriage work. But most of us know that is not necessarily the case. Look around you and count the number of really happy unions among your friends and family (whether young or old, gay or straight)?

So things get complicated and sometimes we get involved in these things in ways that are unexpected and unplanned and not the result of someone’s calculated planning or deviousness.

The men (and women) who cheat on their partners (whether emotionally, sexually or a combination) are also not necessarily nasty people who do not care and they do these things for a variety of reasons. These reasons vary from self esteem and ego issues to genuinely unhappy marriages where children are involved or where the partner may really be at fault (yes, do tell those talk show hosts that the partner is not necessarily an innocent victim – although some are of course!).

But all of this said, it is also true that we who get involved with married people – for whatever reason – are most likely to get hurt. The wives (husbands) almost always get their spouse back – and ironically often they even benefit through stronger marriages because the "errant" spouse might "try harder" after an affair.

Some affairs are the result of a true love match (mutually, with no lies about emotions involved) and those are the ones that rock everyone’s world. Hard to apportion blame, often very hard to get over and impossible to forget.

I know how you feel. It is very tough. All I can say to you is to try and hang in there from day to day.

I still feel as though I am dying inside too, and I hope against hope. My MM and I went through a period of really intense, emotional communication this past week or so.

Yesterday I ran out of patience and told him I would simply leave his life altogether. He was adamant that he wanted me in his life and that we should try and salvage something from it.

In some ways it might be even harder to have him only as a friend than to have nothing. But because we really do love one another, I’ve agreed to try and get to a place where some of the misunderstandings during the break-up could be cleared up and where we could have a loving friendship.

I know that will never be "enough" for me. I would be lying if I said I would really settle for that rather than have nothing. But the friendship will ensure that we stay in touch and, dangerous as though that might be, I am prepared to be open-minded enough to take the "now" and let tomorrow look after itself.

Who knows, another man might still come along and whisk me off on a white horse (or at least offer me something that is "good enough" although not quite what I have in this guy). Who knows, what other kinds of surprises life has to offer?

Like you I still cannot sleep and hardly ever eat (at least this means I am losing some of the excessive flab all over my body!) and am in a state of constant high stress. But I have moments of lucidity when I think well, something good might still come of this – and I do have his love and perhaps still a friendship that will never quite console me, but which links me to someone who came along at an age when most people think they are beyond true love...

I don’t know if this will help you at all. Just wanted to say I am really also there and know how hard it is for you.

Hang in there as much as you can – at least we are all lucky to have found this place and the gentle & kind words of Claire to help us through some of the dark times.
written by Clarise, 24 January, 2009
Hi Also There,

When I was in therapy with a lovely person named Sylvia, I discovered having an affair made up for an abusive father.

The details are difficult to write and read. The key: forgiveness allowed closure.

Sex was not involved, with my MM # 1 but it was an infatuation which could have easily led to the bedroom.
I was looking for that man who will bring us happiness, (replace daddy) making me whole.

It deals with addiction and our heart and how we want so much to hang on hoping against hope he will leave her.

BUT THEY NEVER DO. My MM promised.

Then as the weeks went by his story changed.
My sons didn’t ask to be born. How could I possibly hurt four hearts. So that made me feel real fine.
What am I chopped liver? Um........ yeah, just about.

I should have been tired of his promises – time and time again; it was the INTIMACY being simply outstanding.

Don’t blame yourself for having a NEED to be loved. This is something each person should be entitled; even in complicated situations.

There are some women who love their MM so completely; nothing else matters. This is when a woman will resign herself to the fact HE SHALL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE. Many couples live this way for years.

These are not mean, nasty, calculating women. Rather, they are most giving in the most complicated, difficult circumstance because their love is so pure and delicious she cannot leave.

But after a while when the holidays come around loneliness settles.

Thanksgiving is spent with family.
Christmas day he is opening gifts with his partner and he need his children.......
New Year’s Evening is spent with friends; thinking of him.

Consider your MM. It’s all about history and being married before friends and family. Decorating the holiday tree, going on summer vacations, spending time with his wife when she has their baby.
Picking out furniture for their new home. Having dinner with family and friends. Their favorite restaurant.
History is the glue which keeps him tied to her apron strings.

Unless the history is so unpleasant he needs a loving friendship.

Here is a wonderful cure. Do discover HE is an addiction and do treat it as such.
So how do I stop feeling so horrible. When will the pain go away?

Love yourselves more than you love him. There is a wonderful sense of respect and FREEDOM OF HIM which quickly becomes a major factor when you realize you don’t need him.

He’s not a jerk. The man you describe has character and is deeply in love with a warm caring person who also thrives on being needed with reverence.

And I still love him. What do I do?
It feels so wonderful and I have never felt this way in my life.
I can’t leave him.

When I fell for MM #2 you would think I learned.
It was difficult. He was sexy and his English accent is amazingly charming.

YOU will have your self respect and I know you miss him so much you would walk through fire if you could just have one more moment with this man you love.

My problem was being STUCK.
We are nurturers. I want to collect puppy dogs with sad eyes and loving arm.

The addiction will happen all over again and it’s very difficult I know.
I broke up with my MM about 5 times. Then I just stopped.
I was an emotional mess. Therapy was necessary.

Finally there is this wonderful feeling of I don’t need him in my life to be complete and whole.

You know I still crave him like chocolate.
I have an alcoholic personality and found therapy to be amazingly helpful.

I have so much respect and admiration for those struggling. One day
you shall wake and feel whole again.

Not all men are losers. Many men are hopelessly in love with someone other than his wife. This is difficult because you are saying I should have more.

Do I remain in a loving friendship where the rewards are wonderful or do I leave and never taste such sweet love?

He is not out to hurt you or injure you with undo harm; instead he’s dying inside as you are dear lady. Stay or Leave.

Some men cannot and usually never leave their home.
And you will notice it’s never the right time.
When the kids grow up and get married.

This is a bigger draw for him. Now he’s a grandfather at 50-something and could never leave. The bond with his wife has become stronger.

Each circumstance is filled with differences and we have needs only you can judge and decide.

Dear Lady, in case you were not looking; it is you who shows kindness and with a gentle spirit. Thank you for your sincere words.

Be happy and do take care.
This shall work itself out or you will find someone on that white steed.
Who was that masked man? : )

My blessing to you,
Claire

written by Hurt so bad, 25 January, 2009
Thank you Claire and Also There. It is very warm to hear your words.

My mind is confused and hopefully I am able to find a way to it. smilies/sad.gif
written by Clarise, 29 January, 2009
Hurt So Bad,

You were committed to this man for seven years. Yes you love him deeply and realizing it cannot continue.

When one puts so much time and your heart into one person; dear don’t expect it to turn off easily.

Time truly helps when you surround yourself with other interests.
YOU shall meet someone worthy of your devotion and love.

Hang in and remember we are here for you when it gets really difficult.
written by D seeing a MM, 30 January, 2009
I just wanted to comment that I have now been on both sides of the spectrum. When I was married (been divorced now for over 13 yrs.)I found out towards the end that he was having an affair...and later found out through acquaintances that he had been having several during our marriage. Now, the tables have turned and I would be classified as the "other woman", which makes me cringe just thinking about it. I met this MM at work and it was just friendly conversation, until I was laid off then he decided to make contact. I was resistant at first knowing his "situation", but against my better judgment, I decided to to gradually be intimate with him. He has been married to a woman who is 15 years older than he is and disabled, etc. and she had several children prior to their marriage 20+ years ago. He has never had any biological children of his own. Now, of course I’m only hearing the one side of the story...his, in which he tells me that he does all the grocery shopping, cooking, etc. while the other half and also a widowed daughter-in-law stay home awaiting to be waited on by him. I read the synopsis above describing what goes through a MM’s mind as far as being in love and yearning for compassion and the touch of another, and realize this MM may never leave her either. I haven’t been in this relationship very long...only 2 months, but have incredible feelings for him and all of his life accomplishments. He is a very giving person as far as going out on a limb to help another person, etc. which I admire greatly. He has many great qualities...well, except for one. So, my question is even if this MM should decide to leave/divorce her, my guess is that he would most likely do the same (cheat) on me as well. I know I need to just step up to the plate and tell him to make a decision because there is basically nothing in his way...no small children at home, etc. This is not fair to my well being...I’ve been alone/divorced now for over 13 years and have only dated once. I yearn for a soul mate and really don’t think I’ll ever find one at this rate.
written by Clarise, 31 January, 2009
Hi D,

I met this MM at work and it was just friendly conversation.....
This is how many coworkers come to know each other through bantering. It is a harmless style talking and finding out about the other.

You had your share of pain and my heart aches for you.
Your MM resembles several others I have noticed here.

He shops, cooks, cleans, changes the sheets, does the laundry, washes the floor and dusts in his spare time. He does it all and I would be apt to believe him since he helps his wife who is disabled.

It is the daughter-in-law who needs to get off her you know what and do something besides acting as the princess.

This is a post I found and wanted you to read this girl’s sorrow.
karter , March 09, 2008
Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don’t leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don’t leave.

I’m not saying your MM will not leave his wife but somehow he seems addicted to this situation of being there for her.

There is a perception of a little boy wanting to please his mommy. Note the difference in age. There are some men who truly do enjoy this odd sense of caring.

So, my question is even if this MM should decide to leave/divorce her, my guess is that he would most likely do the same (cheat) on me as well. I know I need to just step up to the plate and tell him to make a decision because there is basically nothing in his way...no small children at home, etc

Let’s begin with you’ve only been with him for two months. In that short time you have discovered he is an amazingly loving, giving, wonderful person. You may frighten him away by asking him to make a decision; unless you have both spoken of your feelings. That is a different story.

Do I feel he will cheat on you? In that I don’t know the man, but watching him slave I would say no.
Dear, you are a victim of your husband’s infidelity and hurt. Sometimes it’s difficult to completely trust again.

He has many great qualities...well, except for one.
How serious is his problem and would it hurt you in the end?

Take it slow, be there for him and realize you are not a horrible person for being the other woman. I, too know how that feels.

Love has a way of healing wounds. Be happy.

Blessing to you,
Claire
written by sam again, 02 February, 2009
Over the weekend I saw my MM again... I haven’t seen him outside of work since Christmas 2008. I no maybe I should not decided to meet him but it happen. We engage in intimate contact... My married man told me that he misses me so much and loves me. He started crying and I fell for everything.. Again suck in by him... I love him soo much still. We did not discuss is wife or him leaving her. After we were intimate he left me, no phone call and the next day he told me he lost his phone and that’s why he didn’t call. Maybe I expected to much from him.. He again acted like nothing happen.... I did notice his new phone and of course it had the same old cover on it... So he lied about that... I’m confused a lot... He tells me he loves me and misses me and that his feeling will never change but he will not leave his wife.... I told him that I needed to step away for my own good and I needed to stop loving him... I even went as far as to tell him I met someone else... But there’s one no else. Because I’m completely in love with him.... I going crazy and I no this weekend as my fault. But I can’t stop loving him... But he continues too lie to me and I don’t no Why? I have ask him why he lies and all he tells me is more lies to try and keep me near.... I’m hurt again.
written by Clarise, 03 February, 2009
Hi Sam,

Oh Sweetie, I hear your pain and your heart is breaking in two.
Dear, girl, it took me five times before I left my MM who lives in England.
I too loved him and was taken in by his charming accent and boyish charm.

I going crazy and I no this weekend as my fault. But I can’t stop loving him... But he continues too lie to me and I don’t no Why? I have ask him why he lies and all he tells me is more lies to try and keep me near.... I’m hurt again.

Let’s start by getting into a mode of feeling better about yourself.
It happened so don’t blame yourself for feeling human and ever so vulnerable. Most of us here have been where you are right now. And it hurts like hell.

You are dying inside because he treats you poorly.
The pain you are feeling is caused not because you love him; rather he does not love you the way a woman needs care and warmth.

I was treated like yesterday’s garbage and that’s when I began to become pissed. How dare he cheat on his wife and string me along?

Your emotions are at a fever pitch and if it is possible do find group therapy to help you through this difficult time.

We are here and shall help you any way we can. You know that.
Hugs and remember you are a worthy person.
Hang in dear.
Fondly,
Claire
written by Also There, 04 February, 2009
Hi Claire,

I have not written for a while. This has been one of the most difficult months in my life, with a roller-coaster of emotions, questions and uncertainty.

My MM and I have tried to remain friends after our first calm conversation after the break-up but it has been extremely difficult for both of us and has lead to even more pain for me.

The main reason for that was the uncertainty about a number of issues. Instead of talking things through with me, he has been apologising constantly and wallowing in guilt for hurting me and none of this was helpful. I could hear that he was as miserable as I am.

So I forced the issue a bit. I told him I cannot be only his friend ? that I will always want him too. So, I said as long as he was married, I was out of bounds.

His reaction was immediate and he wanted to talk & save the friendship.

We then had a long conversation during which I asked all the difficult questions and got the answers. He said I deserved answers anyway. In essence his love for me is torturing him and he felt so much guilt about hurting me that he was basically rooted to the ground – not making sense or progress in any direction.

Despite the fact that he knew he loved me and that I was more than an affair, he had not consulted me about his decision to "try again" originally – which was a major error and part of the guilt he feels. But it happened and I now wanted us to be as we have always been – to trust one another even with the hard stuff that might hurt.

So what I did, was something I had not planned, and was extremely hard to do. I told him to "take me out of it" completely – to put his feelings for me aside and let me deal with "us" for a while on my own. I said I wanted him to be free to really give the "trying again" process his best shot and to make sure it is what he wants.

BUT I also asked for a promise. I asked him to promise that, if his marriage is not working – he would get out. I said I did not know if I would be around if and when that happens, but that in the meanwhile "we" should be suspended, without all the other things touching it too much.

He did make that promise and I believe he meant it. He said it was noble of me to give him the opportunity to make that promise.

I told him I was not being noble. I was fighting with the one thing I had, and that is our love for one another and the need to know that what we had, would remain separate from his marriage. I do not want to be his mistress and I do not want to be the reason his marriage breaks up if it does.

It was not an easy conversation, but it was sincere. As tough as I made it for him to give me straight answers on some awkward questions, I also knew I could not "win him back" unless he was free in every sense to deal with the issues around his marriage first.
At the moment he is too attached to me emotionally to let me go and yet too attached to his marriage as well. I need him to do one thing at a time – and making sure whether his marriage can work, is the first step. I don’t know much about his wife, but apparently she is also "trying". I don’t even want to know, because I have never really seen myself as the other woman. I may sound cruel when I say his wife can fight her own battle. But she has had him for 20 years and their marriage problems predate me by more than a decade. He has been unhappy and lonely (and possibly so has she). If she deserves him, she will keep him. But I’m not going to give her more ammunition by letting him wallow in guilt and possibly getting to a stage when he wants to "forget me" just to remain sane – rather than to concentrate on finding out exactly whether his marriage is what he wants.

So, will he leave his wife? I don’t know.

Do I like this? Hell, no.

But if I don’t let him be free to discover whatever has to be discovered, the merry-go-round of hurt and guilt and uncertainty and longing will continue without anyone getting what he or she wants.

He now has to examine the life he has and either hold on to it and be happy with her – or get out and let himself have the chance to examine other possibilities. I would like to be his first choice if that happens, but I am not going to have unrealistic expectations.

Do I like knowing I could lose him forever? Hell, no. I’ll have to be a helpless bystander for as long as this takes. We will be in touch but I will refrain from words of love and intimacy.

God knows, I?ve realized I love this man enough to set him free.

written by lovecaligirl, 04 February, 2009
OMG. For all you ladies with married men...it is so sad that you are wasting your time with these loser’s. While it is very possible they are starved for attention in their marriage and are truly doing all they say they do at home for their family, it is usually all a lie. What they really want is to have their cake and more cake on the side. The bottom line is that they are dishonest. Dishonest with you, their wife, their children, and even to themselves. Ask yourself this..knowing how much you care about your married man, does it bother you that he is intimate with his own wife? Are they snuggled close to each other at night in bed while you sleep alone thinking of him and wishing he was with you? How would like if he was cheating on you and YOU were his wife? The fact is this man is just a man and he hit a bump in his ego that makes him need to have attention outside his home/family. Your married man may indeed feel love for you, but does he even know what love is? With porn addiction/sex addiction rising many men are seeking more and more women to fill a void in them...and now some of you are filling that void.

Protect yourself girls...you deserve better. I know it is hard because you feel love and that is what women do, but if you believe what a man that is lying to his wife everyday is saying to you, you are believing a liar. That is why it is impossible to make sense out of them. If you really love them, love them unselfishly and set them free as you do not need their negative karma on you...all you really wanted was a man to share love with...but not somebody else’s...and certainly not the scraps.

If someone was truly miserable and not being treated right, no matter how much love they may have for their spouse/family...they would seize the opportunity to get out and start over if there was someone who was there to love them better and more help them be a better person. Clearly most of these guys you girls are involved with are not in any abusive relationship where they are being hurt daily etc. And if money is holding them back from divorcing their "ball and chain" then they are slaves to money as well. Everybody deserves a man (or woman) they can be a partner with, not just great sex but hey if you really look close...that’s what youre addicted to "the sex"...and it is not as exciting when your married, it’s great, but for adrenaline junkies there’s no risk. Let these dudes go man. Remain friends but keep your boundaries. If the guy lies HE IS A LIAR. If the guy cheats HE IS A CHEATER. He got to you by making you feel special and you were already special...you dont need HIM to tell you that...good luck sister’s xoxo
written by writting sam, 05 February, 2009
OMG
Where do I Start...... I recently discover that my MM has been victimizing other women in my office... I remember that he hated several women in the office and told me things like,they were sexual harassing him and were jealous of him. I even stop talking to them and disliking them for being mean to him... Yesterday, I finally got the courage to talk to them... And WOW, they told me things that were opposite.... One of the women had an affair with him for several months and ended things after she found out he was married. The other women, I found out was being sexual harassed during the same period of time I was involved with him....And he just start making contact with her, since we split up. It hurt me to know that he would be this evil... He even attempted to get one of them fired, lying that she was abusing her leave.. The MM is her supervisor...HE wanted her out, so she could not tell me things. HE put us against each other, so we wouldn’t find out anything. We have decide to continue to act indifferent towards each other, so he will suspect anything.. I’m afraid that if he were to find out, we know everything that he would try and fine away to get us fired... WOW this is bigger that I thought. After all of this , I can honestly say I HATE THIS MAN..... SUCH A LIAR.... I can’t believe I trust him at all... He played me like a fool and I’m not his first victim.
written by Also There, 06 February, 2009
Dear Sam – sorry that you had to find out that the man you were involved in is such a cad.

I hope you will be able to get past this and see it as a bad experience – but one which left you wiser.

Lovecaligirl, yes many married men who have affairs are losers. But so are many married men who don’t. I am not defending having affairs as a general principle, just saying that people differ and get involved in difficult situations for different reasons and under different circumstances.

Yes, many (married) men chase women. But many married women also chase men. Yes, some unmarried women have no compulsion about getting involved with someone who is taken and do so without concern for others. Some unmarried (and married!) women get taken for a ride by a married men.

But although I too am suffering from heartache because the man I love is married, I don’t think it is entirely fair to generalize.

Our world is a complex place with complex people and relationships.

Yes, we have to be careful and protect our hearts and get out if we are caught in something that is not right for us.

But sometimes the men are also "victims" of their hearts and they suffer real torture in the process of making decisions that will end in at least one party getting hurt.

So what I am saying is that getting involved in a triangle is seldom a good idea – but not necessarily because the married person having an affair is a bastard (or calculating bitch if it is a married woman having an affair). It is a bad idea because someone somewhere always gets hurt – and often all three parties do.

I think if we can all try to be kinder (in our own minds) to ourselves in these situations – and towards the others as well, it might not change the way things are, but may help us to get, tentatively, on the path of healing...?

Hang in there, all....

written by Clarise, 06 February, 2009
Dear Also There,

It is painful, yet, wonderful at the same time. Your gentleman friend is not a liar and is perfectly willing to be as up front with you as he can.

However, in the process you are left feeling empty and alone and want to do the right thing by him and his marriage.

The price we pay is loving someone who is not available and you were wise to let him go. Yet, do continue to speak with him. Your hear needs him even if your head says no.

Most circumstances I would say, "Get rid of the louse."
But, he’s not a louse. And you love him so much.
Dear, I hear your pain and wonder how many of us get through these days of hopelessness. It seems so sad and yet; he has not lied to you.

I have spoken with some gals who remain with their MM for years.
It’s fine until they finally come to the understanding; he’s never going to leave his wife and family.

So where does that leave one who is aching inside.

Lovecallgirl shared this: "Ask yourself this..knowing how much you care about your married man, does it bother you that he is intimate with his own wife? Are they snuggled close to each other at night in bed while you sleep alone thinking of him and wishing he was with you? How would like if he was cheating on you and YOU were his wife? "

Truthfully this is the one topic which allows us to think twice about your relationship. Yes, this has been the most disparaging month you have experienced because your heart is pure and honorable.

Hang in dear. It’s almost impossible to be "good friends" and not become emotionally intimate isn’t it.

Peace and happiness to you,
Claire

written by Clarise, 06 February, 2009
Hi Lovecallgirl,

Ask yourself this..knowing how much you care about your married man, does it bother you that he is intimate with his own wife? Are they snuggled close to each other at night in bed while you sleep alone thinking of him and wishing he was with you? How would like if he was cheating on you and YOU were his wife?

This is so exact and precise I used it in a post.

On the whole most MM are addicted to gathering as many women as they can. There is something about this situation one wonders why did this couple ever marry? What was the attraction?

And then there are many decent MM in horrible situations at home and need a dear friend to share his thoughts. Sometimes these friends without intention to do fall in love.
This is a surprise to both as she listens and he vents his needs.
As the weeks go by she is thinking of him and he also has her on his mind. It was not intentional nor is there any sex involved. Intimacy is their friend.
Then it happens when they both say, "What are we going to do?"

This does happen.
Blessings,
Claire
written by Clarise, 06 February, 2009
Hi Writing Sam,

This topic is Truth About Deception: Lying, Infidelity, Love and Romance.
The main theme is how many women do suffer from lack of knowledge until the pain becomes unbearable.
Yes, many men think nothing of cheating on his wife and his girlfriend as well.

If only more women could feel anger. Some are unable to move on and are stuck. Thanks for your words.

Blessings to you,
Claire

written by Also There, 06 February, 2009
Dear Claire & Lovecallgirl:

On that question of "Ask yourself this..knowing how much you care about your married man, does it bother you that he is intimate with his own wife? Are they snuggled close to each other at night in bed while you sleep alone thinking of him and wishing he was with you? "

Yes that is the one thought I have to try not to think it too often. It is a reality and I hate to know that he is sharing her bed, not mine. He also knows that is the one thought that is the most difficult to bear at the moment but that I am prepared to do it for the sake of just knowing for sure some time in the not-too-distant future (we did not put a date on decision-making, becaust that kind of pressure would merely make matters worse.)

But I’m trying to be the grown-up here. I did not very well think he would work on his marriage by NOT sharing intimacies with his wife. That is what it is all about – trying to discover whether they as people are right for one another now. Is there enough intimacy between them to create a new bond between them? If yes, I’ll be without him for good. If no, he will get out and I’ll have a chance of us being together.

I am swallowing my sexual jealousy for the time being – after all, she IS his wife.

Sex, love & intimacy are complex things and as things stand at the moment he is caught between two women who (each for her own reason) wants him to be with her and whom he respects and wants to be with. The difference lies in the romantic love (which he has for me) and the habit, history and other things that he has with her. If I love him for real I have to wish him happiness comes what may – and if that means it will be with her, then maybe I’ll learn to accept that one day.

BUT NOT NOW, not yet. Right now I am playing a waiting game – I am keeping myself very busy with all kinds of hobbies and things, besides work and I am keeping my love for him safe and warm.

I don’t have a crystal ball, and there would be no sense anyway in me "dragging" him from his marital bed until such time as he might realise that is not the place he wants to be after all.

But at least we both know exactly where we stand at the moment. Better than guessing and far better than playing games or using clever tactics.

My heartache might turn out to be one that lasts a long time – through this process and beyond. But that little bit of hope that he does belong to me makes it impossible for me to just turn away and "leave".

We DO communicate now, but on a much more controlled level. NO talk about "us", just stuff to do with shared friends and interests.

Claire, thanks for the supportive words. I might need quite a bit more of those before this is finally resolved.

written by Clarise, 08 February, 2009
Hi Sam,

Deception comes in all kinds of packages and sometimes it’s difficult to hear the truth. I am sorry you had to discover your MM is such a jerk. But then if he’s cheating on his wife; 9 our of 10 times he shall cheat on you.

Not all men, but there are some rogues who cannot seem to get enough ; and its mostly about conquering. Especially in the business world where there is much bantering and back stabbing.

"I can honestly say I HATE THIS MAN..... SUCH A LIAR.... I can’t believe I trust him at all... He played me like a fool and I’m not his first victim."

This emotion ~ your anger will help you finally heal. How difficult it seems is a method by which one grieves; and then recovers much quicker than one who is pining without hope. Some can only see their MM as perfect and their hero.

What appears to be horrible can be a lesson for us all.
Take care and blessing to you,

Claire
written by some wisdom, 08 February, 2009
When my husband had a affair it took endless talks about what happened to bring us down that path. I now no there are different types of affairs. When my husband had his affair he said it went into different "levels". It started as a friendship that went sexual. As time went on guilt was bothering him about what he was doing because a lot is said during a affair he started to think different about what he was doing and he knew he couldn’t give the other woman what she wanted. It is very difficult to end an affair when the OW really cared about him. There is no easy way to do it. We are all exposed to many events in our lives, some are good and some are hurtful..having an affair with a married man is clearly a violation of trust from both ends. The wife’s end and the OW end. They both get "screwed over" by a man that is basically immature and seeking self satisfaction.
written by Clarise, 08 February, 2009
Dear Also There,

I read your post for a second time ~ then read it once more.

"At the moment he is too attached to me emotionally to let me go and yet too attached to his marriage as well."

Let’s find a way so you can have some peace of mind. You are tormented and living a life of hell.

May I suggest this. Stop beating up on yourself and realize love comes with a price. Find music to sooth your soul and do keep a journal of your feelings.
Sometimes it helps if we write our heart felt feelings down. Or better yet ~ keep a secret file on your computer.

It’s amazing how soothing it is when words become a deciding factor of reality.

One doesn’t decide to fall in love; it just happens. You found your soul-mate as he found his as well.

Many years in a poor marriage, he feels the guilt not to be devoted to his wife. At the same time his heart wishes to be free and court you the way a gentleman does.

We are not teens and life has seen us through many years. When one finds true love it is almost impossible to leave so much sweetness.

Also, at the same time this has been the most difficult time of your life and for good reason. Your heart wants ever so much to belong to him. Yet you recognize he’s devoted to his marriage; your fair play says, "No this is wrong."

Oh God. I can feel your grief. Not just pain. It is truly most difficult to imagine finding love at fifty-something, isn’t it.

He is direct, honest, careful and you dearly are in love.
To find love and not consider this as something precious is surreal.

Mistress is a word that is used in a tacky situation. I do not perceive you as his mistress. His first love is more suitable.

Oh dear, I am doing it again. My cheering for this man in your life is overwhelming because you are both decent and honorable people.

There are shallow people without any remorse or guilt. Then I consider her his mistress. Someone not worthy.

The guilt and anguish you are feeling is knowing: I love this man more than I have ever dreamed in my lifetime. What are we going to do?

Take one day at a time and be there for him when he needs your heart.
Allow yourself to realize this is not a perfect world with ideal situations.

If he was a cad I would be screaming: Leave him. He is anything buy a cad.

When all is said and done and at the end of each day you are left with knowing what is best for you. How you can survive this without too much anguish.

Blessings your way. : )
Fondly,
Claire
written by Clarise, 08 February, 2009
Hi Some Wisdom,

Such an appropriate name. Your posts offer helps to many.
It was I who had an affair. My husband never did; to my knowledge.

Your depiction of several levels leads me to consider an onion.
Many layers continue to expose each situation.
Friendship.
Friendship with a need to hear from the other.
Love evolves and BINGO. What are we going to do? – I recall saying.

First a friendship usually in the working arena. Here there is bantering which is acceptable because everyone is involved in the sharing fun conversation . It is here where flirtation and intimacy is hidden.

The guilt is beyond anything I ever experienced and would look at my husband and know he didn’t have a clue. It was horrid and being the OW was wonderful along with being miserable.

I violated my marriage by allowing him in (our) bed. Allowing him to share such intimacy as he told me his wife was simply horrible.

Always there are two side to each story. Not everyone is innocent or guilty.
We all are faced with the heartache of not having him near.
And the lies.

My MM was a master of lies and deception. What was I thinking?
The reason for our separation was his lack of guilt for what we were doing.
He was a real JERK.

Thanks again for your input. We are all here to help one another no matter what the circumstance.

Blessings to you, : )
Claire
written by Clarise, 09 February, 2009
Hi Also There,

I want to share something new for your to consider.
My dear friend has been with her MM for 17 wonderful years.
It’s all about her ability to give and display unselfishness.

Mostly she has encouraged him in his marriage and family. She has relinquished any self motivation by allowing him to have a good family life.

Her stipulation was to also promise her NEVER leave his wife and family.
The realization of how this would hurt and destroy his children would hurt him dearly. She does not want to take that chance. Even though his children are grown and in college it still would be difficult.

Daily they email. Twice a week he sees her during the day. It is enough to keep them both happy.

What appears to be unthinkable works for them.

When he complains about his wife; she astutely shows him how women think and tries to defend her cause. He has wanted to leave home more times do to her unselfish reasoning.

In the process of her loving him; she has given him her all. To the point if he does leave home she would no longer be with him.

Perhaps some guilt on her part is attributed to her saint-like behavior.
The important point is it works for them.

Take care and it shall work one way or the other for you.
Hang in.
My blessings to you,
Claire
written by Free At Last, 09 February, 2009
I thank all of you for your comments, suggestions, encouragement and wisdom, especially after having been dumped by a MM who pursued me for months.

He found me on the net, very charming, extremely handsome and Single. Turned out he was Separated (by drywall I later learned), but not before I was hooked. I’ve never cheated before, and as a widow I knew better than to stay with him. But I did. The first five months were glorious. Then he told me he was going to try reconciling with his wife because his adult married children begged him after MM & W had their 40th anniversary.

A month later he got a new job at a university. Things rapidly deteriorated ... it almost seemed like there was a new crop of fresh women for him to pursue. He went from calling daily to once a week.

It’s now been over 2 weeks since his last call, and after reading this entire blog, I’ve decided to not feel badly or worthless. I’ve learned and feel he is the classic definition of a womanizer who doesn’t care whom he hurts in his swath of conquests. He’s a liar, a very charming cheat, and a huge manipulator.

God, I was stupid ... but it’s so over and it’s a place I’ll never re-visit. I’m angry as hell, but he’ll never know that. I’m a firm believer in No Contact -- so even if he has second thoughts later, I won’t be there. Never, never, NEVER again!!!

Claire, thanks to you and all the others for your kind and heartfelt words shared amongst us women.
Free At Last
written by Also There, 10 February, 2009
Dear Claire,

Thanks for all your thoughts in my direction.

Just one thing to set your mind at ease: I am not beating myself up about falling in love with him – things are the way they are. Does not make it easy in view of the realities, but I also do not feel the guilt of an intentional temptress etc...

As for your friend’s experience and their 17-year long arrangement: currently I don’t really see that happening to us – simply because in all honesty I don’t really want him to stay with his wife.

However if he does, I will accept it – and stranger things have happened than the kind of compromise your friend has been prepared to live with, so I will not say never. But I dare not contemplate or pre-empt that kind of situation now.

At the moment we are at the stage where he is working on the marriage (whatever that might mean). Meanwhile he keeps telling me he loves me and misses me – but without making any demands on me. I am sticking to the "letting him go" mentality for the moment, because I do believe it will be the ONLY way to get to some kind of black/white situation if such a decision is possible.

The first and only time I actually cried about us (before that it hurt too much to even cry!!) was when I decided to end our friendship. He talked me out of that and I then said well, I am giving you your freedom so you can work on your marriage in peace. THAT actually brought me some peace (and ironically the tears went away although the sadness and pain of not being with him remains).

Subsequently his love for me has actually carried us through – to the point where we can be lighthearted and sweet without being over-emotional. We are in almost daily contact, with most of it being factual and friendly – but neither of us can resist somehow letting the other know we still care...

If our ultimate solution is to be "gray" – I’ll "think about that tomorrow" as Scarlett did. Right now, he’s the love of my life and I would do just about anything for him (including letting him go) except to pretend he did not happen to me or that our feelings for one another are a mistake. Out of marriage or not, he has been the best thing that happened to me in a very long time.

Claire, I will certainly keep in touch and let you know what transpires.

Thank you for being a friend who understands more than some real-life friends do. Also thanks to the others who have been supportive here thus far because we share similar emotions.

written by Clarise, 10 February, 2009
Dear Free At Last,

Let’s establish you were NOT stupid. You were trusting and didn’t know he was such a cad. I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain and heartache.
I cannot fathom why men are so loving one moment then turn to stone.

"I’m angry as hell, but he’ll never know that. I’m a firm believer in No Contact -- so even if he has second thoughts later, I won’t be there. Never, never, NEVER again!!! "

This anger and emotion you have will allow you to heal. What seems like a horrible experience (and it was) shall bring you peace.

I sense a woman who has her head on straight when Prince Charming came upon the scene. They are so very charming aren’t they. Especially with an English accent. We have all been where you are and the feeling is not pleasant.

Thank you for your kind words. We are all in this together as survivors.
Some have an awful time unable to move on.

There was a point in my relationship when I was STUCK. Unable to move on. Group therapy helped me enormously to find peace.

Blessings to you,
Claire
written by Clarise, 10 February, 2009
Hi Also There,

"Just one thing to set your mind at ease: I am not beating myself up about falling in love with him – things are the way they are."

Good. It’s amazing how strong you have been even in the most difficult scenarios.

Regarding my friend: I don’t know how she does it. I would loathe his wife and not be so giving.

(working on his marriage).... to me implies he’s doing the best he can in all situations. Discovering, yes, I want to remain married and be a decent husband; or this isn’t working.

Your friends are cautious and know you. In all that has happened they care and are not pleased. Some may be ~ others are probably angry.

It is amazing how unpredictable our feelings rise and fall. Fine one day and not the next.

Life happens and we are somehow caught in a delicious sense of being loved. At the same time it is not easy.

Take care,
Blessings.
Claire
written by Free At Last, 10 February, 2009
Dear Claire, Also There, and all the others dear ones who have posted here,

Thank you so much Claire for your encouragement.

I believe none of us -- not one -- were "looking" to get involved with a MM. It happened, and for me it was at a time when I wasn’t particularly vulnerable. He told me much later that he had ‘stalked’ me (he had been a detective for decades), so I was oblivious. I bought it, vainly thinking he truly was into me. lol We did have so much fun together, even got compliments from people in restaurants about what a ‘great looking couple’ we made. Laughed and talked a lot. The sex was awesome. So I miss those aspects, which ultimately turned out to be quite shallow.

My goal is to turn my anger from this into apathy, and I know it will happen in time. I’m glad he’s not calling, because the healing will come much sooner. I know that I’ll be OK, and am even doing lunches with other SINGLE men, but they’ve been told that I’m just coming off a relationship. I certainly don’t want to hurt any of them.

I have been stung very hard by a situation I never thought I’d be in. And if it’s OK, I’d like to stay current on this blog and give encouragement to women who need it with their MM, or to women getting out of a relationship.

Claire, I find what happened with your Englishman incredible! You sound strong, and that’s where I want to be, and will be. This blog is so soothing.

The Best to All of Us.
Free At Last
written by Free At Last, 11 February, 2009
Hi Claire and Also There,
I re-read your most recent posts, and I think you both had something far deeper with your MM’s than I did. And perhaps my vulnerability at the time was higher than I recognized. I was going day-by-day ... work, home, an occasional lunch or drink on the weekend with friends, repeat pattern ad nauseam. My life was OK, acceptable, and hum-drum.

While I’ve been on a dating service looking for someone who is available, along came Prince Charming swooping me up with his lies. His charm. His ability to cheat on his wife without remorse. And he was from that dating service! God, how naive, a/k/a gullible, could I be?

I fell so hard, so quickly, so completely for this jerk and I guess I’m as angry at my lack of judgment as I am at him for his lack of morals. His motives were intentional. The pain he caused when he dumped me makes me angrier at him, which as Claire has pointed out, makes my transition healthier and swifter.

I can accept my responsibility in this affair and know I should have left as soon as I discovered he was still married. But as we all know, the "hook" was in. He wanted sex, I wanted love and a relationship. Arrrrrghhhh!!!!!!! It was clear to me when he announced he was going to attempt a "reconciliation" with his wife that the red flags started waving.

Ultimately, he did me a favor by dumping me. I doubt there was any reconciliation talk with his wife. I suspect he had his ‘conquest’ with me and would be off soon for another.

AlsoThere, hang in there. Time will give you the answers that you need -- and don’t beat yourself up -- as I have with myself. You have a lot of selfless courage to let him concentrate on his marriage while you’re in pain.

And Claire, while you and I may still be licking our wounds, just know how much all of us on this blog appreciate your wisdom. Thank you. I’ve learned my lesson well.
Free At Last
written by Clarise, 12 February, 2009
Dear Ladies,

Those suffering because your heart is breaking there are two solutions.
Either break it of so there is NO contact or put up with his lies.

My MM was the love of my life ~ so I believed.
Too bad he was only in love with himself.
Later it was my husband who was my champion and the man I truly adored.

A married man has no right to bring you into his life unless you both can come to some amiable solution. An agreement where you both recognize the futility of his commitment to his wife and family.

In the end they usually remain married. It is HOME. It provides comfort. A number of reasons why our MM wants us; and not for ego purposes, they truly are in love with both women.

As I mentioned to Also There, my friend has been with her MM for 17 years.
She encourages him to REMAIN in his relationship with his wife.

As she pointed out to me, they shared wedding vows before family and friends. Their history is cemented with children and wonderful moments.

Without intention ~ they fell in love. For the first five years they were chaste. Only emailing and having lunch in some remote area.

What appears cheap and shabby is truly a heart felt love between the two.
If you are willing to do this for you MM who is a good person then perhaps it would be possible.

Most of the posts of late are filled with such anger. Women are tired of being lied and deceived. Good. This is the beginning of healing.

I miss my husband and even though I found a very nice gent to have dinner with or take in a concert; there are no sparks between us. His first wife died of cancer and he is still grieving for her loss.

Claire
written by Clarise, 13 February, 2009
Dear Free At Last,

"I can accept my responsibility in this affair and know I should have left as soon as I discovered he was still married. But as we all know, the "hook" was in. He wanted sex, I wanted love and a relationship. Arrrrrghhhh!!!!!!! It was clear to me when he announced he was going to attempt a "reconciliation" with his wife that the red flags started waving. "

But you ARE strong. I sense victory in your posts and a lesson learned for all of us.
Dr. John Gray wrote a super book entitled, "Men are from Mars: Women are from Venus."

A perfect example you shared and how men are more sexual; whereas we need intimacy and romance.

The sex can be awesome and that is when the "hook," is in so very deep.
We flounder and wait for the next time as our bodies came together; we moved heaven and earth.

There isn’t a woman alive who has not cried over 1940’s film, Brief Encounter. If not – do RUN to the library and rent it.

It is exactly what we all experienced. Two souls so deeply in love and there is no way for them to find happiness. I know it sounds old hat, but it is so well done and truly a classic.

We all want and need to be loved and cared for in this lifetime.
In the film there is innocent chatter and polite conversation which turns to sweet flirtation. It is heartbreaking because like all affairs someone is bound to be hurt.

There is a dear lady named Sylvia. She was my therapist and we met twice a week. She is the one with wisdom. I just learned from the best. Thank you for much kindness.

Blessing to you dear lady,
Claire

written by SAM again, 13 February, 2009
Hello again ladies
I wanted to say thank you for all your support.... I’m currently trying to move on from all the hurt... I now wondering how I ever got myself involved in this mess? Now that I discovered the truth about my MM, I’m disgusted and deeply hurt. I’m starting to discover that my MM victimized many other women... A lot of these women are afraid to come forward. My MM deceived several women at our employment... My MM man sexually harassed them during the time we were together. My question now is should I get involved and help them exposed him at work. Should I stay out of it... I want to protect them for my MM. But at the same time I don’t want him to get into any trouble. I’m concerned that if not exposed he made hurt others in the future? I thought about confronting him but I don’t no if this is wise because it may hurt the other women? I finding it hard not to stay involved but I don’t want to hurt anyone? I also need to protect myself.... I’m very confused and still very hurt and disgusted....
sam
written by Clarise, 13 February, 2009
Allow me to be clear on a message I have been sending.

When we have been stung by a MM there is anger and usually rage.
In essence, it does help to heal quicker only if we are able to find peace by forgiving the person causing so much pain.

As a child I suffered. My father was mentally ill and back in the 40’s families remained together regardless of the terrible abuse.
It was in the late 50’s he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.

Before dad died of cancer I was by his side. It was here we came to an understanding. Forgiveness allowed and provided me peace and completeness.

Sylvia helped me walk through some areas of darkness and I was convinced I would lose my mind. But I did make it.

When we do have an affair it does not mean your marriage is over. You shall survive and come out better and stronger together.

Forgiveness and Love, is the only means by which we may repair a damaged marriage. You can connect and move forward together.

My husband was an amazingly loving man. I could do no wrong in his eyes.
Then he discovered our emails. I broke his heart into a million pieces.

Ladies, think twice before climbing into bed with your MM and realize you are bringing two other people in with you. His wife and your husband.

Who is going to protect them from your moments of passion?

You shall by thinking twice.
It will save much hurt all around to discontinue the affair and let him be the man he was intended to the woman he married.

There are marriages that are train- wrecks.
In these situations we see the man and want to love and hold him ever so close. As women we nurture men and coddle them when we should allow them to go their own way.

Claire
written by Been Down This Road, 14 February, 2009
To all the married women like myself who has had an affair with a MM or many affairs with MM like I have. Sometimes we need to look at ourselves and wonder why we let men like these fill our heads with promises,lies,compliments, praises,excuses and dreams. I have been in about 4 different affairs during my 16 year marriage, all but one of these men were married, after all this time I analyzed myself, the relationships and the men, including my husband and came up with some answers for myself and maybe some others. I married a man that is very difficult to please, my father was difficult to please as well- I married my husband because we were high school sweethearts and felt that I could do no better, and did not want to be alone, I craved love... It all comes down to my own lack of self esteem. He made me feel like I should be lucky to have him. At some point in the marriage after my children were born and after the marriage had it’s normal difficulties with life, my husband dealt with life by blaming me for many things, and maybe not treating me as well as he should due to his own insecurities. Well I then noticed that other men took notice to me, I met men that were good looking, younger, had more money and most married. All with their own insecurities as well, otherwise they would not be looking elsewhere to feel "like a man". It seemed to me after a while a vicious cycle of people feeling unappreciated, unloved,and unnoticed in all of these relationships like attracting like, misery loving company and repeating cycles of emotional abuse, and lies. Myself feeling insecure having an affair with a man who is insecure. There is no way for these relationships to work and if they do they are extremely rare. First look at yourself and figure out why you are doing this to yourself before putting blame on your husband who in your mind is giving you reason to cheat, or blaming your lover, who will not leave his wife and is stringing you along(he is doing so to make himself feel good and important...not you). Fix yourself and your reasons first, figure out why your seeking the approval and love from others. No one will put you first other than yourself, and stop blaming someone else.
written by Free At Last, 14 February, 2009
Hi again, Claire.
As usual, your thoughts mirror mine -- and probably many others on here.

Where you said ‘A married man has no right to bring you into his life unless you both can come to some amiable solution,’ rings so true.

Why is it that the OW is the one who is vilified? MM’s often seem to be seen as the Victim by us Husband Snatchers (lol) -- and nothing could be farther from the truth. We get chased, charmed, and fawned over until we’re hooked. Then, when we get dumped, we’re supposed to just get over it. Like it never happened.

I still get melancholy over him and my delusion of what we had together. But when that happens, I literally have to tell myself out loud "Ride this feeling out -- let it happen, it will subside, and just ride it out." A few minutes or hours later, or the next day, my emotional health is back to where it should be.

Each day that passes without hearing from him is a day that I can get further distance ... with my ultimate goal of not only apathy, but ‘what the hell did I ever see in him?’. I have even reached the point where I feel extremely sorry for his wife ... and the future women who I just know he will chase and captivate and hook. Gut feeling.

Cheers to all of us survivors.
Free At Last
written by Clarise, 15 February, 2009
Just wanted to share this information.

Do read Seduction of a Married Man.
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Seduction-of-a-Married-Man&id=6846

You will find yourselves understanding why women are drawn into this horror story that turns into a train wreck down the road.

Claire
written by CClaire, 16 February, 2009
Dear Free At Last,

"We get chased, charmed, and fawned over until we’re hooked. Then, when we get dumped, we’re supposed to just get over it. Like it never happened. "

Most men prefer to pursue women during the initial phase of "The Chase" It’s a natural order of things in a man’s makeup to do the chasing.

Simple human nature creates the desire to want what isn’t available; thus getting burned in the end.

"I still get melancholy over him and my delusion of what we had together. But when that happens, I literally have to tell myself out loud "Ride this feeling out -- let it happen, it will subside, and just ride it out." A few minutes or hours later, or the next day, my emotional health is back to where it should be. "

It is never easy. The only way you can have true peace of mind is when you are able to forgive and move on. What seems impossible brings enormous relief of heartache and misery.

It is amazing how we choose to hold onto these hurtful feelings of heartache in order to emotionally beat up on the guy.

As the OW it always ends up in futility because a man usually NEVER leaves home.
He is married. Hands off ~ should be our sense of fair play.

But then we find ourselves becoming attached to a friend at work.
Very sincere in the beginning stages and all quite innocent. As the weeks and months go by we discover, OMG I love him/her. Men also have feelings too.

You are doing so well. I am concerned for the women who loves their MM so much they cannot see straight. Your common sense vision allows you to find one who is worthy of your love.

Find peace. Blessings,
Claire
written by CClaire, 16 February, 2009
Hi Sam,

You are hurt and feel the need to do something.
Be careful.
At this point in time I would say this man has some reputation and most women either want his attention or know now to stay clear of him.

I cannot advise you one way or another for legal purposes to approach him.
However, if it were me ~ I would stay clear

He KNOWS (or rather should) it is against the law to harass any person of any gender and I shall give you some info on this.

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace:

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) describes sexual harassment as a form of gender discrimination that is in violation of Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. In 1998, the U.S. Supreme Court made employers more liable for sexual harassment of their employees. Moreover, the
The Society for Human Resource Management has reported that 62% of companies now offer sexual harassment prevention training programs, and 97% have a written sexual harassment policy.

When you have a chance google Sexual Harassment and you will find much more information.

Take care,
Claire
written by Free At Last, 20 February, 2009
This is an old fable, but when I recollected it, it has helped me see its wisdom.

The Little Girl and The Rattlesnake

The little girl was walking down a path and she came across a rattlesnake. The rattlesnake was getting old. He asked, "Please little girl, can you take me to the top of the mountain? I hope to see the sunset one last time before I die." The little girl answered "No Mr. Rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you’ll bite me and I’ll die." The rattlesnake said, "No, I promise. I won’t bite you. Just please take me up to the mountain." The little girl thought about it and finally picked up that rattlesnake and took it close to her chest and carried it up to the top of the mountain.

They sat there and watched the sunset together. It was so beautiful. Then after sunset the rattlesnake turned to the little girl and asked, "Can I go home now? I am tired, and I am old." The little girl picked up the rattlesnake and again took it to her chest and held it tightly and safely. She came all the way down the mountain holding the snake carefully and took it to her home to give him some food and a place to sleep. The next day the rattlesnake turned to the girl and asked, "Please little girl, will you take me back to my home now? It is time for me to leave this world, and I would like to be at my home now." The little girl felt she had been safe all this time and the snake had kept his word, so she would take it home as asked.

She carefully picked up the snake, took it close to her chest, and carried him back to the woods, to his home to die. Just before she laid the rattlesnake down, the rattlesnake turned and bit her in the chest. The girl cried out and threw the snake upon the ground. "Mr. Snake, why did you do that? Now I will surely die!" The rattlesnake looked up at her and GRINNED, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."

Peace be with all on here.
Free At Last
written by help me please, 20 February, 2009
well we met while i was leaving my husband and he had left his wife,we were together for about 8 months then with the situation he told me for my kids sake i should go back and i did,we stayed friends and in the summer i lied to him told him i got remarried to my ex and told him to go back to his wife and he did after two years he came looking for me said things were not working out with the wife and he was not happy , i noticed i was in love with the men before me and kissed him ,then he said he had to think have not seen him since.its only been a week but am confuse what should i do ??????????????????????? smilies/sad.gif smilies/sad.gif smilies/sad.gif
written by CClaire, 20 February, 2009
Dear Old Heart,

Your post intrigued me. Perhaps it was your decision not to marry and settle for less.
Your MM comes along and WOWOWOW. I know the feeling.
A married man is not attainable. Was that the attraction?
He’s married and shall forever be married; yet, your independence allow this compatible relationship.

There is nothing as wonderful as being in love.
I mentioned to another poster my dear friend has been with her MM for 17 years and it is simply awesome.

She insists he never leave his wife and family knowing the heartache and how he would come to resent her later. Its this kind of love I admire.

Nine of of ten times women are in a no win relationship because their hearts are breaking. They live in a vacuum of complete unhappiness. You seem more mature and can handle anything.

Just had to share that and it makes me smile.
Best wishes

Claire
written by CClaire, 22 February, 2009
Hi Been Down This Road,

My therapist mentioned how we choose what is familiar not what is healthy or good for us.

When a dad is a negative force, that is the key why we pick the men in our lives. It is difficult to break the cycle of abusing ourselves; being we feel less than and continue to pick men who show us little respect.

For one outstanding reason my husband was amazingly supportive and a dear man. However he did have some controlling issues that I recognize. Nothing that was hurtful; just annoying.

We all need love and it is all too common to find it in the wrong places. I’m speaking for myself and my 2nd MM. But, he was so sexy and that English accent drove me wild.

We all have issues and spend moments wondering why our deciding factor is on a destructive pattern. Human behavior is just that.
We learn from parents who had to deal with their parents.

Best wishes and Blessing to you.

Claire

written by Hurt so bad, 22 February, 2009
Hi all

I am very depressed now, I don’t know how to carry on. Just yesterday met my MM, it was a nice meeting until the intimacy came. When we talked about pregnancy, he told me if it happened, he will take the responsibility but only come when necessary.

He said he doesn’t want to leave his wife now, and said not leave me too when I listen to him. I am very upset, as when we first started he gave me the hope of getting married as being single and though now with many years together...even if I get pregnancy, he said can come when necessary or not even care if I don’t follow his words...

Help me please, I feel very painful and don’t know how to hate him/not to love him...

written by Still hooked, 23 February, 2009
I was pursued relentlessly by my first love 17 years ago. He had one child, and expecting another child that was discovered after they "broke up." I knew about the first child but did not know about the expectant child. He pursued me real hard. No was not an option for him. He proposed to me 3 months after we got into a relationship, I declined(too soon, I didn’t know enough, I was too young as well) He took care of all my needs financially and assistance for school, even went to Dr’s appointments with me. I graduated college and expected to marry then. I was totally in love but was stalled. He talked about wanting us to have children but not marriage. I found out when the third child came(from the wife) that he was married for three years(he married the children’s Mom after I declined his offer to marry, said her family pressured him but he never lived with wife). I found the courage to leave 2 years later. I moved out of state far away since he pursued me harder when I tried to leave. He was my first, he claimed I was his first & true love. I closed all communication for 11 years. Now we’re back in touch and the love strong as before. He had since divorced twice, he claims he was looking for the intense love we shared. I plan to stay friends until he proposes marriage. He’s single, I saw both divorce documents but I wonder if I should take him seriously. Serial marriages bothers me. He claims that if I had accepted his proposal 17 years ago, we’d be happily married today. I’d like some advice.
written by Kitten, 25 February, 2009
Anyone who cheats WITH you will eventually cheat ON you.

I have never known anyone to remain happy in a relationship built on lies.

written by Cclarise, 26 February, 2009
Hi Hurt so Bad,

Just wondering. Do you wish to have his baby? If not. then consider the pill or some form of protection on his part.

Dear Lady, we have all been where you are and you feel stuck; unable to have any sense of happiness.

In time, if you completely divorce your feelings from him you can move on.
When you hang on and continue to give and give your heart shall ache with longing.

It’s a matter of mind over hormones and sensual feelings. It feels wonderful to be with him. I do understand. BUT, you must not continue this way.
I wish I could help you.

Actually you shall find your way. We all do one way or the other.
Consider group therapy or speak with a pastor. Somehow you must find someone who can guide you professionally.

Depression is nasty. I would see a medical doctor. He/She can prescribe you some meds to help you with such gloom you are unable to shake.

Take care,
Blessings to you,
Claire
written by Cclarise, 26 February, 2009
Dear Still Hooked,

"Serial marriages bothers me. He claims that if I had accepted his proposal 17 years ago, we’d be happily married today. I’d like some advice."

"He talked about wanting us to have children but not marriage."

When we find ourselves hooked as you explained we are in a situation where we become addicted.

"He claims that if I had accepted his proposal 17 years ago, we’d be happily married today. I’d like some advice."

May I mention this. Deep in your heart you know what to do. There is that small voice that warns us when one is concerned your MM cannot be trusted.

My advice would be to realize he may be the love of your life but if you notice the top quotes he wanted children but not marriage.
Then you mention he wanted to propose to you.

What do you want to do. He’s single and I assume you are as well.
Can you trust him or is he stringing you along too?

Others are so much better at this than I am. There are many with wonderful wisdom and I just don’t want to say the wrong thing. It is your life.

Blessings to you,
Claire
written by Cclarise, 26 February, 2009
Hi Help me Please,

You were together for eight months.
Did you live together or see each other for that duration while you lived at home?
He felt responsible, being you have children to return to your hubby.

"i noticed i was in love with the men before me and kissed him ,then he said he had to think have not seen him since.its only been a week but am confuse what should i do ???????????????????????"

Did you mean this?
I noticed my love for him even though other men came before him.
When you kissed him you were sure of your love.

He pondered as to what to do.
I have not seen him in a week.

You asked what you should do.
Right now I would concentrate on being a mom caring for your children.
We find ourselves attached and unless you are both single and sure of your love I would focus on your little ones.

Hope this has helped.
Take it slow and realize many are here to support you.
This is a safe haven.

Start by loving yourself first and if you do not see this man again surround yourself with family and friends.

Blessings,
Claire
written by Cclarise, 26 February, 2009
Hi Free At Last,

"You knew what I was when you picked me up."

Very Good.

Too bad we don’t listen to a man when he rattles and hisses. We are too absorbed with his charm. Nonetheless venomous snakes must be considered dangerous and even non-fatal bites can cause severe pain and long lasting tissue damage.

Just as human nature becomes predictable the pain is still as horrific.

Claire
written by Cclarise, 27 February, 2009
THIS IS WHY HE CAN NEVER LEAVE HOME.

It’s little comfort when your heart is breaking and that horrible ache just won’t go away, because he’s no longer in your life.

You gave him a choice. It’s either them or me. My MM chose them.

It’s all about History and Addiction.

Consider the foundation established over the years.
Married before family and friends, struggling to purchase their first home.
He looks upon his wife with much gratitude as he holds their first child.

You can tell he adores his children.

Birthdays, trimming the holiday tree, visiting parents, going on summer vacations he realizes his loving wife does more than he could imagine.

An amazing sense of organization. She makes sure her crock pot is prepared early before she goes to work.

During the week she car pools, takes the kids to sports.
Picks up his laundry, making sure the white shirts are boxed, and she has two more stops.

When a husband and wife share years together even though he’s sneaking out on her for some friendly fun; she knows that’s not her perfume.
Certainly that orange shade of lipstick would never do.

The entire time his wife watches her husband become distant.
It is then she realizes he is no longer in love with her.

Yet he falls into her arms when he sees her hurt expression.
The lies and excuses are becoming unworthy for an intelligent woman.

You say, "I love my MM so much. I’ve never felt this way before. I can’t live without him."

Much has been said about addiction and why this man gets under your skin.
It’s easy. YOU want him there.

You want him in your home playing house and pretend to be what you possibly can never obtain with a married man.

It’s simple math. He belongs to another.
All those years add up to a foundation making him feel safe ~ comfortable.

...... but you don’t understand. I have never felt this way before.
He’s wonderful to me and loves me.

Sure for the moment. You’re his baby doll.
Who else is he emailing and seeing?

I wrote this some time ago under the pen of Be Strong.
It required editing.

Claire
written by sam again, 27 February, 2009
Hello again
Currently, I’m trying to move on with my life without my MM. At work I have discovered that the women I may have thought have been victims may have willing Participants. Maybe angry because they felt used. This week two letters were sent out.. One to his wife and the other to my husband. Both accusing us of having an affair with each other. Now we are both involved in family drama. I can’t be certain if those letters came from these women. But it’s made me more cautious to believe in them. I wonder now, how I got involved in such a mess. My MM insist that these women are liars and there out to get him. He also say he miss me and not a day goes by that I’m not in his thoughts. However, he still has no plans to leave. And I believe he never will. And probably will continue to lie to women to get what he wants. I do miss him and us but no its not healthy for me. I do still love him but I no I need to move on... I just ask for the strength to move on

sam
written by belledejour, 04 March, 2009
Hello, I found this message board after my heartbreaking news arrived a couple of weeks ago that my lover whom I had been seeing on and off for 3 and a half years, is married!! His wife phoned me up and although I was distraught, I had to find out all the missing information I had wanted about him. I also had to convince her that I was just a business contact. I am too tired of thinking about this all right now to write fully about it but I will do shortly. For the moment I just wanted to make contact with the people on this board. I spent a lot of yesterday reading stories and realizing that the hopes I had before I knew he was married are even more unreal now that I know he is. I would really be glad for some acknowledgment to know that some of you have read this post, and then I can feel free to write more. I think it will be therapeutic for me while I gather my thoughts and strength to best know how to deal with all the loss I feel.

Many thanks.
written by Cclarise, 05 March, 2009
Hi Sam,

Indeed it is a complicated situation.
Drama is mild.

These women (if they indeed have done so) have violated an important moral code. But then things have changed so much since when I was younger and people regarded the other with respect.

Let’s talk about this: I do miss him and us but no its not healthy for me. I do still love him but I no I need to move on... I just ask for the strength to move on.

Many times we miss what we hoped to have had in a MM rather than the man himself who is incapable to leave.

Plain and simple ~ he wants his cake and eat it too. But, then this is such a typical reaction to not only men; also women who play games.

He wants you and misses you. Just not enough to make you feel good about yourself. Some men enjoy knowing they can have their wife and a girl on the side.

Your comments regarding his actions to other women have been a violation of the law.

Or do I have the right Sam? Yes, it is late and I’ve been editing most of the day so my words are running together; so it appears.

Sam, if you truly need professional help, please do.
It is worthy of our emotional help.

Take care.
Blessings,

Claire

written by rapoza, 05 March, 2009
Belldejour. Ouch. Definitely keep reading and seek counseling.
written by sam., 06 March, 2009
Dear Claire
Thanks again for your support. I know been thinking a lot about what you wrote and your 100% right. My MM is incapable of leaving his wife. My MM continue to tell me that he loves me and misses me but not enough to be with me. Right now I have bigger family issues to deal with than him. I never thought that I would be in such a messy situation. Again i thank you for your time and support.
I’m going to look into getting professional help to deal with all this pain and confusion.

SAM
written by Cclarise, 09 March, 2009
Hi belledejour,

It is heartbreaking to know his own wife filled you in on how he deceived not only her but you as well. How many others has he been stringing along?

You were sharp on your feet to give her the confidence to share with her husband’s business contact. Some women would have hung up or folded in tears.

It is never easy discovering how deceptive our MM can be and they do it so well. However, it is not only men; women as well play this game.

"I think it will be therapeutic for me while I gather my thoughts and strength to best know how to deal with all the loss I feel. "

Good for you. This is the beginning of finding happiness with someone worthy of you.

I found group therapy to be amazingly helpful for myself.
Hang in.

Blessings your way,
Claire
written by belledejour22, 09 March, 2009
Thanks for someone acknowledging my post – its good to know I am not alone in this particular pain of mine. I just wanted to say that I have found the following books very helpful. "When your lover is a liar"; "Feel the fear and do it anyway" and "Breaking your addiction to a person". I have found that the issue of losing ones MM is also one (for me but no doubt for a lot of us) of the void that stretches before us as our future has been canceled. It is also about self esteem and building our sense of self up so that its not only HIM that can make us feel better. This is easier said than done, but on the occasions that I have felt more powerful about myself since the debacle, (ie I am slim anyway, but wanted to lose more weight, so having lost a couple of pounds, plus compliments from other men – shallow but helpful at this time) I have felt more in control and that I can have a future without MM. This is still a very shaky and elusive feeling, but if I look in the mirror and feel better about my looks, this builds up my esteem and gives me hope. I think the thing is that if I were happily with someone, I would be happier in my skin, but losing the be all and end all MM, one feels that "time has run out" and "I will never meet anyone again etc etc". This is difficult. I have lots of other feelings about wanting him back, telling his wife and getting revenge in a roundabout way. But for the moment I am trying to do lots of exercise, look good and see my friends. Also trying to be grateful for what I have which is a devoted husband, comparative wealth, good looks, freedom, career etc etc. Its hard to be happy without emotional and physical happiness but I cannot stand the fact that the MM has controlled my life (or I have let him do so) by my complete obsession about him. In some ways I feel freeer without him and getting in touch with my power. This all sounds very garbled, but I am writing in a stream of consciousness sort of a way. I will use this board to let it all out piecemeal but thanks for reading this and sharing your stories too.
written by belledejour, 09 March, 2009
Just to say I am having a bit of trouble dealing with this website. I posted a comment earlier but it would not take it under my existing name so I did it under belldejour22. I have logged in now and posting this under belledejour and see if this works. Also can someone tell me why it doesn’t immediately accept the posting? How many days does it take before the post goes on the site? Thanks.
written by belledejour, 09 March, 2009
To Claire – thanks for your support. I have read your story too and it seems heartbreak can hit at any age. I am having a lot of difficulty imagining his "ideal" rose coloured life with happy wife and kids, parties, social life etc etc. All the weekends that I feel lonely (even with my own social life and friends and marriage) and I imagine him surrounded by adoring acolytes, needing no one, smug and self satisfied knowing that when he feels the pull of sex with other women (he always has and always will) there will always be a body to use while he still has the advantages of stable and adoring home life. I know as women we have the option too of having extra marital sex, but for us I think it is more of a seeking someone to make a future with even if it starts off as a bit of fun. Men can stray without getting involved though which is why I suppose they rarely leave their wives. Having said that, there are plenty of wives who are left. It does seem to be a mans world though. I hate the waste of time and hope I have gone through. I am sure all the anxiety (as he used to disappear from my life often and reappear) has made me very angry at how I could get so dependent on him. I think I built up a future in my head when it was nothing more than a good friendship with great sex and heady romance (when he wanted it). I had an image of this successful top alpha male who seemed to me to be a god like figure and I believed that only I could get through to him (I know this to be true to some extent but cant be bothered to go into the whole thing now). He pressed my hunger buttons as with him I felt like Queen of the World – the most beautiful powerful couple on the planet. Without him, I felt like nothing, although am now feeling a lot better, if rather flat. This board is so great for talking about it. Thanks to all.
written by carrita, 09 March, 2009
I guess my situation is no different than all of you alls. My MM has made no promises that he will leave his wife. Recently my H found out about him and we have had to curb the phone calls. I know I have an addiction to him and I am trying to break it. I go see a counselor this week for first time. I know I love MM and he loves me but I know he has attachments to his children and he doesn’t know if he can leave them. I really feel like a fool after reading all these posts on here and realize I am wasting my time with this man most likely. Since he is deployed I have time to work it out with my H. It’s just getting over the addiction to MM that is the problem. We of course have overcome the physical part, but now to get over the phone calls and texting part.
written by Also There, 09 March, 2009
Hi Claire & all – just wanted to say I still look in from time to time and can only tell you it takes time and many emotional up- and downswings to get over an involvement with a married man. In my own case, things are currently going through a dark patch and I am actually quite weary of even thinking about it all. Sometimes I feel love simply is not enough to measure up against all the odds and that we fool ourselves to think "my case will be different." Sometimes I think that unusual arrangements can work. However, most often it is us who have to do most of the work and have most of the patience. At the moment I am asking myself whether I have that patience – or even want to have it and still have no guarantee that the end result might not be more heartache.

It is easy to say "don’t even start" but things are not always that simple.

All I am saying to all of you in these complicated situations is to ensure that you also give attention to other things & hobbies & people even in the tough times. I am learning that taking a mental break from things sometimes helps to retain sanity – and can help to find new perspectives.

Thanks Claire for holding so many hands here – and to the rest of you for sharing and caring & helping one another somehow to find new balance and in most cases a new future without the men who once were the centre of our universes. Mine still is, but at times like now when I am angry at him (for all kinds of communication reasons that I won’t get into now), I am beginning to think that I can envisage a world where he no longer forms part of my universe, but no longer its centre...
written by belledejour22, 10 March, 2009
To Also There
You have put it really well. The fact that one HAS to devote time to other categories of ones life however hard. And also being mentally weary of the communication difficulties with the MM and standing on ones head to please him and fit in with his schedule. I read something really appropriate from Mariella Frostrup in her advice column in the Guardian where she said that a "good" day in some previous relationship of hers was just a relief day where she was not beingn thrown a curve ball by her man, and a bad day was when he was making her really anxious about things. a good relationship day should not be about "relief" but should be about happiness and lack of anxiety.
written by Cclarise, 11 March, 2009
Hi Also There,

Since the beginning of time, women have always been the ones to give and provide our men with nurturing most women understand.

Men live on a different planet and is incapable of understanding the workings of the female mind.

When a man who truly unlocks that door and publishes his book explaining why; he then shall receive the Nobel Prize.

It surely will bring peace into the home.

All kidding aside, I hear your pain dear and know how you are feeling.
It sucks. It truly does suck.

Be happy,
Claire

written by Cclarise, 12 March, 2009
Hi belledejour22

BIg THANKS for sharing the titles and your ever present wisdom.

"I just wanted to say that I have found the following books very helpful. "When your lover is a liar"; "Feel the fear and do it anyway" and "Breaking your addiction to a person". I have found that the issue of losing ones MM is also one (for me but no doubt for a lot of us) of the void that stretches before us as our future has been canceled. It is also about self esteem and building our sense of self up so that its not only HIM that can make us feel better."

I was most fortunate when I found a lovely woman named Sylvia. She was kind and warm and had answers even before we went too deep.

Somehow others who have walked in our shoes can understand and she had a horrible childhood. Kindred spirits as well as a damn good therapist allowed me the freedom to be whole again.

Take care and you will find him.
Blessings,
Claire
written by Cclarise, 13 March, 2009
Dear There Also,

"Mine still is, but at times like now when I am angry at him (for all kinds of communication reasons that I won’t get into now), I am beginning to think that I can envisage a world where he no longer forms part of my universe, but no longer its centre.."

It is that ever present sense of loss we feel in the pit of our stomach.

He’s wonderful. I hate him.

This is so very natural to be feeling anger.
How dare he fall in love with me and cause me such pain.
How dare he allow himself to be so wonderfully vulnerable and loving when I cannot have him.

Dear, this is what I suffered with often. It is the realization it is mostly about us not so much about him.

Our inability to realize he’s not free and wishes to remain with his wife and child. Or does he? Men are bound to do so even when he grieves for your touch, sound of your voice, the mere knowledge you are nearly cross-eyed you are so much in love.

There is much happening which causes us to become sad and angry.
We’re here for you.

Blessings to you,
Claire

written by Cclarise, 14 March, 2009
Dear Also There,

" I am learning that taking a mental break from things sometimes helps to retain sanity – and can help to find new perspectives.

At one time I was your cheerleader. I still am, perhaps with reservation.
Dear girl, this is killing you.

How can you continue to be in a relationship when your soul cannot find peace?

My friend went down the same road you did. She closed her eyes to all that is obvious and decided he was the love of her life come hell or high water.

Through high school graduations and even watched him smile because he was a grandfather. She had the ability to go on only because her MM treated her as a Queen. He went out of his way to make a way for them.

That is all she wants. They shall grow gray together; just not in the same household.
I could not do it. I’d kill my MM first for being such a louse.

There are women who have so much self esteem ~ enough sense of purpose he’s not her ALL in life. A fine position in a law firm allows her to have all the trimmings life offers.

One does not need to be an attorney to have things in order.
Someone working at a fast food restaurant, dishwasher or any job one can enjoy because the people are so much fun.

When home alone, she dresses in denim and rides her horse.
I would say she lives a delightfully serene life and HE just happens to be the cherry on top of her ice cream.

Once she was in knots and going out of her mind.
She had two sessions with Sylvia and realized she was focusing on having someone else please her rather finding inner peace.

We must never look to be fulfilled by a man. It’s not realistic, yet many women go about life EXPECTING this is how it is suppose to work.
We are wired differently than men.
We act and re-act in ways that elude them.

Somewhere along the way we were led to believe men will take care of us and our emotional needs.

WRONG.

Men shall be our partners in life in a healthy relationship. It is when the woman or man is not needy.

This is how some gals get into trouble. We are natural born nurturing souls. We find it comforting to collect puppies with sad eyes and loving arms.

When a love is so lush and real it is difficult to turn away.
Five times I decided to break our relationship off until I realized he was playing me for a fool.

Dear, I hear the agony you are going through. You seem to be miserable with him and miserable w/o him. So let’s talk about that.

It’s called TIME OUT. Sylvia explained it this way.

It’s really quite simple. Children do it all the time.
When things seem really bad it is time to take a breather.
Not communicate for a week or two. A month if you can.
You explain you need a breather for your emotional health.

Our emotions need a rest.
Need to relax from stress.
Were you happier w/o him or are you missing him like crazy even though it seems impossible?

Sylvia is an amazing lady. She sees my problems before I do and when she explains them I wonder how can she read minds. She doesn’t She reads body language and when stress is high, she’s on top of what is going on.
written by Once was, 16 March, 2009
I can see clearly now that time has passed and I’m now older. When I was younger I didn’t recognized certain actions as those of a cheater. For example, turning off the cell phone when in your company and having many female friends that I’ve spoken to by phone but never met. I didn’t realize that it was turned off, just thought it didn’t ring. I held my ex-b/f who later married whilst we were dating as a good person because he treated me well. I had the opportunity to talk with him as a friend and he revealed the lifestyle he’d been living after I left him and I’m still disappointed at the things he told me. Clearly he became a "player" after I left. His two marriages did not survive because of his behavior. I realize that if we got married it would be taking risk that’s too big. I honor marriage and I would not waist time with such a person who has trained himself to live wild. I have no time to train a man. I will do so for a child but not a man. I still love this person, but I love myself too much too risk my life in their hands. When I broke up with him after dating seriously for 6 years, I did so because I realized he did not take marriage seriously and even if we did eventually marry, I could only expect the same that he did to another.

I must say thank for the support from Clarise who said, "Deep in your heart you know what to do. There is that small voice that warns us when one is concerned your MM cannot be trusted."

Trust is most important in a relationship and one cannot start marriage with mistrust. I did discuss with him my values against his values and ended the romance with a decision that our values are too different to even risk trying. We are now friends, only I know that we cannot be true friends. He has since said he’s suffering from depression and I’m the only person he can talk with about it. Well, I will listen but for sure I will not get sucked in or hooked again.

written by Cclarise, 17 March, 2009
Dear Once Was.

It truly is a amazing how SOME men live on this planet to thrive on being doted on and they are users.

We learn later in live there are two kinds in this world.
Givers and those who are needy.

Women somehow are the ones to forgive and go on because the intimacy is amazingly powerful.

YOU are one smart gal. Loving yourself first and dealing with him second is the only way for sanity.

"He has since said he’s suffering from depression and I’m the only person he can talk with about it. Well, I will listen but for sure I will not get sucked in or hooked again. "

It took me 5 times before I left my MM for good. Perhaps I became so disgusted with my own addiction and need for his love it became clearer as time went on.

Many are in a quagmire and are drowning. Unable to breath is the worst form of being held captive emotionally by a MM.

Thanks for you kind words. Sylvia saw me through a horrible time and I’m fine now.

Wanna know something? Even when I did know what to do, the lure of his charming English accent made me turn to mush. It was his gentle and loving tone caused me to become a blithering idiot.

Finally we become angry. It’s a wake up call for many and I would never judge one for wanting to be loved.

It’s that deep in the gut cutting anger that seems like a horrible wound unable to heal. When our heart is wounded because we miss him terribly.

Blessings your way,

Claire

written by Also There, 17 March, 2009
Hi Claire,

Thanks for your continued support – your role as cheerleader for me – and him (a decent man in a situation of his own, but also my doing) has been very valuable.

Yes, I am going through a very dark patch at the moment and despite everything I’ve told you, I have basically given up on the relationship. The details are irrelevant and whereas he obviously also did some "wrong" things (or neglected to do the "right" things – right/wrong being inadequate & inaccurate words here)I have been making many little mistakes in the past 3 months or so that contributed to this state of affairs. It may have been inevitable from the start.

You may remember the words of the French chanson that was also translated & sung by Joan Baez: The joys of love last a moment; the pain of love lasts a lifetime.

We only knew part of the love, and yet that was enough. I am not a young woman and am experienced enough in the ways of the world to know that sentiment is true.

Not always sure why it happened. All I know is that, all too often than not, I wish it had not. Like most people here, I am left mainly with pain and fleeting memories of joy. Unlike most, it came in the evening of my life. Not much time to pick up pieces and start again somewhere, someday.

I’ll survive, I guess.

written by Fanine, 19 March, 2009
I’ve got myself in a stupid situation that is hurting me so much. Last summer I was sent away for work abroad and worked alongside a colleague I had never met, who comes from another country. We had an intense month together working. During this time I realized I was falling for him but had no idea of his feelings. We just clicked and got on so well. We were both living with our partners back home and when the month was over we just said goodbye. We started emailing once a week or so just chatting. 3 months later he came here one night for work. I knew he was coming but he didn’t tell me. I found out in the office, though eventually a few days before he did mention it. I knew by this stage I was infatuated with him and I was having big problems at home. We all went out after work and had quite a few drinks. I hoped meeting up would somehow make me realize it had been a foolish crush. But his behavior when I turned up was unbelievable. He was so nervous and hanging on my every word. It ended up with just the two of us together in a bar. He was still very nervous and I was just flying so high with my emotions thinking my god he must have feelings for me to! Well we ended up back at his hotel, got intimate and then a couple of hours later we hugged and he flew home. It was the first time I had ever cheated aged 40 which confused me somewhat too.
We kept up email contact as if nothing had happened. I meanwhile split with my partner not just for this reason but did not tell my ‘friend’.
Then at xmas he was due to go on holiday with his girlfriend. I thought he had gone away and it pained me greatly. I then found out he had not gone away. He however did not contact me at all for 3 weeks. I was going crazy and emailed him to say I knew he had not been on holiday and I wanted to talk about ‘us’ as I didn’t understand what had happened. I never told him of my feelings. I did tell him too I had split from my partner. He emailed back to say his father had been ill and it was right to talk about what had happened. He said he regretted it and we should forget it. Put it down to the demon alcohol. Said he was sorry about my split. Wanted to stay friends though.
I thought that was it but then stupidly I emailed him a couple of weeks later and now two months later we are back to contacting each other once a week chatting about things.
It pains me so much that I can’t and have never been able to say how I feel as I know he is living with his girlfriend. I love hearing from him though and find it so hard to cut the tie.
My biggest problem is that in august we will both be working away together abroad, just us for two weeks. I don’t know how I can bear that. He is so keen to go too, yet he didn’t have to, he had the choice. We joke about the beer we will drink and finding a hotel near the good places so we can go out after working. I put up this false friendly banter as if we’re just friends.
I’m so crazy to think he still has any feelings for me. He could have found excuses to come and visit me but never has. So we have seen each other just once in the last 7 months! I get so angry to think he is there with her and I am now alone.
I know I should maybe just not reply to his next email and see what happens but I cannot break off all ties because of our work trip.
I had hoped by then my feelings might have changed but it carries on. It’s stopping me too opening my heart to anyone else as I am simply not interested. I don’t even know whether to email and pretend I am going on a date or something just to get a reaction. But then it is just games and he could easily lie and say he was pleased and that would cut me up even more. I really need some help! Why do we get so hooked???
written by Cclarise, 19 March, 2009
Dear Also There,

"Not always sure why it happened. All I know is that, all too often than not, I wish it had not."

It happened because you saw a fine man and fell in love.
When love comes to us as seniors we become become intolerant for obvious reasons.

Dear, I know how you feel.
YOU are a strong lady and shall have much to offer someone worthy of your love.

I know. We love them and then we become angry and disappointed.

Best wishes.

Blessings to you,
Claire
written by Cclarise, 19 March, 2009
Hi Fanine,

Your history with this man was based on mutual lust. Then you discovered one day, "I love him."

Not only that, but he has a girl friend and seems to desire to be with her on a personal level.

It is most common for a man to have a (excuse the expression) one night stand. This time it happened to you.

He’s not calling you because he had a wonderful time, but cannot become involved with another emotionally.

" I don’t even know whether to email and pretend I am going on a date or something just to get a reaction. But then it is just games and he could easily lie and say he was pleased and that would cut me up even more. I really need some help! Why do we get so hooked???"

It’s called addiction because as women we need to love and be loved. You belong to a very large group of women who didn’t see it coming.

I can help you by saying this. Let’s take a look at what happened and go down to the time you first met to the moment you slept together.

You clicked. The chemistry was WONDERFUL. Somehow women believe men think as we do. They don’t.

We are here for your pain.
I would not email him. I would try and become so focused on other issues and somehow forget him.

The work arena should be EXTREMELY business like and nothing more.
He will be hit with a wet fish across the face. Good. He needs to know he cannot toy with your feelings.

Be mad then find a way to forgive him and that alone is the only way you can find inner peace.

I know. You think of him constantly and it hurts like hell.

Be happy.
Blessing to you,
Claire
written by Young and Naive, 21 March, 2009
Wow! I’m feeling very thankful that I found these discussions before I let myself get any more involved with a MM. I met this MM 7 months ago while working closely with him for a couple of weeks. When the couple of weeks ended and it was time to go our separate ways to return home, I felt sad because I had really enjoyed being around him. He’d compliment me and give me attention and we had pretty personal conversations. Other than that, nothing happened between us. I felt like I had feelings for him but ignored them because I kept telling myself he was married and I don’t do things like this. I’ve never even had a one night stand because that’s just not my thing.

We communicated just a little bit over the last 7 months but it was mostly just work related. A couple of weeks ago, we worked closely together again for another two weeks. This time text msgs got friendlier and he got friendlier. I would joke and tell him that he was trying to corrupt me and it wasn’t going to work but he kept trying which made it extremely hard for me because I did have feelings for him (I had not told him this) that I was trying very hard to ignore. We talked about his marriage a little bit and he mentioned that his wife doesn’t hardly let him touch her b/c she’s so stressed out due to work/school. He said he’s very neglected and she knows it.

So one of our last days working together we decide to go to lunch. Walking to lunch he comments how some of his co-workers will see him going to lunch with me and my response is... So? They have no idea who I am. And he then tells me that Yes they do, he’s told them all about me. What he’s told them, I have no idea. But they know he’s married and probably know his wife too, so why is he talking about me to his co-workers? And one of them he had brought down to introduce to me earlier that day before I had any idea he had already "told them all about me". And another one he brought down later in the day to introduce to me. I felt like I was the girlfriend meeting his friends. During our lunch I ask him if he has a good marriage and his response is... Yeah, it’s ok, I’m sure there are better ones out there. And then he says, But I really like you and that makes it harder.

I never really responded to any of his comments about him telling his co-workers about me or him liking me because I always had a hard time taking him seriously, thought he was just a MM trying to get into my pants and maybe he was, I don’t know. Then later that day after he had left for the day, I really started to think about everything he had said and couldn’t help but wonder if he was being sincere? We had tossed around the idea of getting together that night to go out and we had tossed that idea around quite a few times before but it had never worked out. Well that night it worked out. He came and picked me up and we were both so tired from working so much that instead of going out, we just went back to where he was staying, watched tv, and ended up sleeping together and I stayed the night. He said he wanted this to happen the first time he met me. During the night he tells me that his wife doesn’t ever hold him anymore, marriage is hard, and other things that make me think they don’t communicate very well. He couldn’t quite remember how many years they’d been married... 8 or 9 but he said it took him 4 years to marry her so they have been together for quite awhile. They also have a 3 year old son.

written by Young and Naive, 21 March, 2009
Continued....

I feel so comfortable with him and like I’ve known him a lot longer than seven months and like I’ve spent more than just 4 weeks total with him that it frustrates me that I can’t find someone who is single to click with like we have clicked. He took me to where I was staying the next morning and then he headed to the airport to fly home. As wonderful as that night felt, I’m disappointed in myself that I let that happen because now my feelings for him are even greater. I’m trying my hardest not to fall for him because I know I so easily could if I’d let myself. We have talked off and on since we both have returned home and I feel like I’m on that roller coaster ride. He’ll message me/email a lot and then I won’t hear from him for a couple of days. When I do hear from him, I’m happy and smiling and when I don’t hear from him I’m sad. I’ve been on this roller coaster ride in another relationship and it was hell. I do not want to go through this again.

We will be seeing each other and working together again in about a month. I know he wants this to happen again by the things he’s said. I told him that this is too hard for me because I have feelings for him and that it’s a lose/lose situation for me now . He still keeps trying and says, "Sorry, it’s hard for me to give up, plus, I like you!!! I know that can’t mean much, but something is better than nothing, isn’t it?"

He has never once mentioned leaving his wife... only made a comment, "We’ll probably be divorced before that happens." when I asked when they are going to have another baby. I already know that I don’t know if I can believe everything he says but if what he says is true, I think he is very neglected in his marriage. Whether it’s enough for him to get divorced, I don’t know if I believe that. He said if she catches him cheating, she’ll leave him and part of me wonders if he wants to get caught since he’s telling his co-workers about me and he will message me while he’s laying next to her in bed and she’s sleeping. Last weekend he was up late talking to me on the computer... she has to wonder why he’s on the computer late at night while she’s in bed?

I’m sure no matter if he ever divorces or not, he’s probably no good for me because he’d probably do the same thing to me some day. But why am I still drawn to him?! I have just felt a connection so early that I haven’t ever felt with someone else. He definitely affected me in some way because I never pictured myself being involved with a MM. Part of me wonders if I was a challenge for him because he knew I had only been with a handful of men and he knew I had morals and I was considered a good girl. If there was some kind of satisfaction on his part due to the fact that he persuaded me to sleep with him when I had never made a bad decision like that in my past?

I can’t stop communicating with him completely because I still have to work with him occasionally. I don’t want to sleep with him again because I know I will only be hurting myself. I know it’s going to be so hard to say No in a month when I see him again.

Help!
written by Young and Naive, 21 March, 2009
Fanine, Your situation sounds so similar to mine! We can’t cut ties completely due to work. I sometimes wish I could have blamed it on the alcohol though. Being completely sober, I had to admit to myself that I wanted it to happen and so did he.

I can see myself being like you too.... putting up the false friendly batter as if we’re just friends to try to get back to where we were at before this happened, but deep down still hoping for more than friends. I tried to explain to him that this makes me sad.... he asked why sad, why not happy, at least we can enjoy our time that we share together. I said, This makes me sad b/c I come home and it’s just me and I’m lonely. He goes home and he has his wife, whether they have a good marriage or not, he still has someone there sleeping next to him and I don’t. It makes me sad that I spend two weeks working with him and talking to him and spending time with him and then we both go home and we don’t talk as much. I really miss it.

Like you, I know too that if I keep these feelings for him, I’ll close myself off from other men, possibly potential good catches just b/c of the feelings I have for him.

I have gotten some reactions from this MM that make it seem like he’s a little bit jealous of others. The last time we worked together, there were quite a few other guys that would hit on me and he’d make comments. I’m not really sure what that means though.

I don’t really have any advice for you b/c I’m trying to figure this all out myself but know that you aren’t alone! Hang in there! I guess I keep telling myself that if they really like/love us, then they’ll find a way to be with us and not string us along for months/years.
written by hurt by lies, 21 March, 2009
smilies/angry.gif i would like to comment on these women who think they really know what is going on in their mm home,
first of all have they considered the mm is or has lied to them, how do you feel knowing he is having sex with you and her and possibly someone else, if he’s cheating on his wife with you, what really makes them think he’s being true to them or that he is not going to do the same to you?
how would you like to feel inside the way his wife is feeling knowing that you have no respect for her by being with her husband? you both are wrong, you are destroying another human being inside,with your lies and deception,but all you seem to think about is that you love him ???? his wife who he is cheating on must surely love him also and she is being lied to,this is a very sick situation,not fair to you the wife or anyone, the mm must surely lie to the ow, and she accepts this because of selfishness, why not walk away and tell him when your divorced then come see me, why settle for stolen time, more lies,and put yourself through this,
i’m a wife who is dying inside not knowing why my husband chooses to be with another woman, lie about it, deny it, and yet constantly swear his love for me,his devotion, his need,she,,(the ow) knows we are together,but pursues this relationship with him,
i don’t for a minute believe the story of he is unhappy or has been,if he were so unhappy he would have gotten out of the marriage to seek happiness,is this part of a mans midlife crisis? or do they need this to make themselves feel young again?
it’s the other woman i cannot understand, how can she look at herself knowing she is going behind another person,i know it gets harder everyday to make love to mine, i feel dirty, knowing he has been with another woman,it makes me sick to my stomach,so how can someone live this way and not care at all they are sharing their man? why would you allow a mm to do this to you? and live this sort of life and lie,
have you spoken to the wife? do you know if you have been told the truth at all?
why allow yourself in this situation at all?
while another woman,the wife is home dying inside by the lies and deception she is living,it’s a very twisted way to live,how can you deal with the sharing? the sneaking around?
i really would like to understand your reasoning to continue this way with mm.
written by Cclarise, 24 March, 2009
Hi Young and Naive,

Let’s begin with your plea for HELP!

With that I re-read your post and realized this was a well planned infatuation you both orchestrated which got out of control.

You say you feel so comfortable with him.
But ... there is much going on here.

"I’m sure no matter if he ever divorces or not, he’s probably no good for me because he’d probably do the same thing to me some day. But why am I still drawn to him?! I have just felt a connection so early that I haven’t ever felt with someone else."

Yes, he will stray. It’s in his nature. He’s already sharing things about you with his co-workers. That alone is a violation to any woman.

When we allow ourselves to become sexually intimate with a MM or a single man for that matter we open ourselves to a whole gambit of emotions.

We are wired differently and have certain needs they usually don’t understand until we use a 2 X 4 and sometimes that doesn’t help.

He shall always remain married.

"I can’t stop communicating with him completely because I still have to work with him occasionally. I don’t want to sleep with him again because I know I will only be hurting myself. I know it’s going to be so hard to say No in a month when I see him again."

In a month when you see him again what is it you are hoping?
I want to help you but it is apparent you want him even though you say no.

See, we ALL know what we should have done/ or do. Our insides know.
There is no secret. It’s that small voice we dare not listen to because it spoils the fun.

Then the fun turns to hurt.
Finally the pain becomes part of our daily life because he’s married and is committed to his wife.

My MM said some horrible things about his wife. Turns out she is just darling. And they Lie and Lie and Lie like hell.

We all have needs, dear. We all want to be loved and treasured in this lifetime. Sometimes we just go about it the wrong way.

But, it’s all the difficulties we hold onto because we want him to be something more than he is capable of being. You mentioned maybe he’ll divorce.

THEY NEVER DO.

You mentioned he becomes jealous when other guys are attracted to you.
Men seem to re-act that way don’t they.

Sex begins as a mating dance.
In the beginning there is a vague yet subtle form of flirtation.
You both realized you wanted to sleep together is when the feelings were AWESOME.

Feelings. Someone is bound to get hurt.
What does his wife think of him being on the computer late at night?
Probably what most wives know when their husbands are finishing up late contracts in a serous matter.
Not all men are having an affair.

You wanted some Help.
Then you must distance yourself from him emotionally and if you truly desire to end this your work relationship must be only that.

Then the hour becomes late and you’re both tired.
You become vulnerable and he can read your every move.
Be careful.

Blessings you way,
Claire
written by numb, 24 March, 2009
In response to hurr by lies-
I would have to say that the women sleeping with a MM really do not care about anyone else but themselves at the time. It is all about what they need at the time with whom the feel they can’t live w/out. Women cheat for many reasons-usually they have issues emotionally connecting with healthy relationships. So they seek relationships that are not stable. I am sorry for the women who are lied to by their husbands and I am sorry for the women who put themselves in situations to be deeply hurt at some point-because eventually this will happen-the deeply hurt intense pain. Someday all of us will have to deal w/ what we have done-cheating is one of those things that damages many relationships and in my opinion the self esteem of women-those who cheat and those who are being cheated on...we are all leaving legacies. What kind of legacy do we want to leave for others-family and friends.

To those who are with a MM right now, the best advice is to get out. If he really wants to be w/ you, he will end his situation and he will be with you. If you allow him to have you both, this will go on indefinitely. Actions absolutely speak louder than words
written by Once was, 24 March, 2009
Dear Hurt By Lies,

I can feel the pain for you when you ask the multiple questions of the OW about how can she live like that. Living the life of sharing a man, the sneaking around and the lies. I must enlighten you that in most cases once the married man was discovered cheating by the wife and his life hasn’t changed much e.g. no consequences suffered, he assumes he has permission to continue. He no longer think it’s a lie, or sneaking around. The problem is not with the other woman,it’s the married man. He has vows that he must honor, be it pornography(child or adult), prostitution, down-low activity etc. these opportunities will always exist and there has to be zero tolerance on the part of married women to accept this kind of deception. These type of men have a character defect or bad habit that is hard to break. You have to safeguard your sanity and your health by learning to change the things you can(the way you think, love your self first) and accept the things you can’t change(your husband’s moral values or lack of). The problem is him defying your trust. If he cheated you by stealing money, you wouldn’t blame the money. Like wise, if he cheated you by stealing intimacy from a forbidden source, you should not place the blame on the source. Many women are lied to when the relationship started. In my case, my MM mother, aunt and cousins that introduced us did not know he was married. When they found out, they were very embarrassed at his behavior. They do not trust him anymore and he now complains that none of his family cares about him. He betrayed their trust. That’s what it is. So you must gain some strength and take care of you. Think logically, act wisely and be a role-model to yourself and your children.

We all need strength to deal with this evil, thoughtless being,

Stay strong,

Now free.
written by belledejour22, 24 March, 2009
Dear Hurt By Lies. I was touched by what you wrote and just want to tell you that I can see exactly what you are going through as I was the OW (unknowingly) and only found out when MMs wife phoned me.

To cut a long story short, I thought my MM was single but just very commitment phobic as he had talked about marriage with me and then conveniently forgot about it. However when his wife phoned me I realized how he was with her as we had a long chat, and he constantly said he loved her, he was not meeting anyone, just chatting on the internet etc etc. He swore that he needed her and so on and so forth. Everything you are saying. However I know for a fact that I had a relationship with him for over 3 years, we talked about marriage and children. Also that he also had other casual sex flings and one offs with other women on the internet. I also happen to know that he is still on the internet and still making arrangements to meet other women (although as yet he has not yet met with them). But certainly I know that the VERY DAY his wife phoned me, he was on the internet that day and the next and still is, talking to women and making arrangements to meet. I can imagine how sad and dying inside you feel.

As the OW, I feel that he has his wife and lovely life to go back to after he has slept with other women (plus prostitutes in his case) and she will not leave him as she wants to believe the man she loves. I feel awfully rejected as I thought I was going to be his wife. He is having it all and leaving broken hearts all around him. The OW is not always the bad guy. It is the MM that is – through his deception and betrayal to his wife and the OW.

The man has to take responsibility as the villain of the piece, rather than the wife and the OW being at fault. Our only fault was to fall in love and believe the happy ever after. The wife feels hurt imagining her man making love to the OW. The OW feels distraught at her future in ruins and now imagines him happy at home with his wife and family while she is excluded.

The women are both hurting.

written by belledejour22, 24 March, 2009
To Cclarise

Would it be possible to correspond via private email? If so, is it possible to pass you my details on this message or would I have to go through the administrator or some other channel?

If you dont want to, then of course I respect your wishes! Please let me know.

B
written by Cclarise, 24 March, 2009
Dear Hurt by Lies,

I am convinced your husband does love you. He has not left you. Somewhere in a man’s mind he feels the need to have more than one woman.

This is where addictions are formed.
I understand your pain as I too was with a MM and feel the gilt of our actions.
Now I do. Then I was too busy emailing him and feeling excited when he would contact me.

It is apparent some feel it is a free for all for anyone, anyhow or anywhere as long as it feels good; without consequences.

Some don’t see it coming as I was convinced at 60-something I had it figured out too.

My MM would leave his wife and family for me.
Thank you for sharing your feelings.

He married you. In this time with him you have made him a home and provided him with children(?)

The point being many of us go into an affair with our eyes wide shut. Simply believing we have figured out the mind of a man who belongs to another.

One day he shall realize how valuable you are as his partner.

My best to you,
Claire

written by Cclarise, 24 March, 2009
Young and Naive,

"I don’t really have any advice for you b/c I’m trying to figure this all out myself but know that you aren’t alone!"

That is nonsense. YOU have much to offer. You have found a way to help others as we are all learning. I shall be 70 next year and still catching up.

YOU’RE doing wonderfully.

Hang in.

Blessing,
Claire
written by site administrator, 24 March, 2009
Will we be rolling out a newly designed site in the near future... None of the current features will change, but we will be offering private support groups, private support chats, and professional coaching services.... Hopefully, these features will make it easier for everyone on the site to share their feelings and support each other!
written by Cclarise, 24 March, 2009
Dear belledejour22,

I am flattered. As you notice their is a post from the site administrator who can provide professional help. A way in which to provide more to those who are suffering.

It is best I do not give out my email address. Thanks for understanding.

Claire
written by Cclarise, 24 March, 2009
To the site administrator,

What a wonderful idea.

Somehow Claire seems to say too much too often and your professionals will be a help to me and others.

Claire
written by Cclarise, 26 March, 2009
Dear belledejour22,

I am hoping you are not offended by my not offering my email address.

Also the (their should be a there.)

The curse of editing; everything runs together.

Thanks for understanding.

Claire
written by hurt by lies, 27 March, 2009
dear CClarise,
thank you for your reply, I don,t know how I make it through each day,my confusion in all this is tearing me apart bit by bit,I can be dead asleep at night or even napping,and all I hear in my ear is my husband, whispering to me,"I love you so so much" "you mean so much to me" don,t you know how badly i need you?" I cannot live without you baby" you are my world"
this and many many other affections are told to me everyday all night long,just repeatedly, and when we talk he is the man i fell in love with,the love of my life, the person who promised me his love for a lifetime,as i gave myself to him,
I wonder, why ???? how can he say this to me?
i know this is how I feel,but how can he say these things to me knowing that i am dying inside from his actions,is it possible that he wants to believe so badly that he has not done this to me that he has blocked it out and truly believes he has done nothing?
he keeps the denial going and swears he could never do such a thing to me,and each time i hear this i want to claw his eyes out because I know he is lying to me,Just the other night we were sharing the computer and looking on the catholic website,and I watched his face as he read about the rules and sins of adultery, I saw the tears well up in his eyes,
smilies/angry.gif And I knew for sure then this was killing him inside, I’ve told him there is nothing else that can ever hurt me after all of this, and why doesn’t he just admit all he’s done and let us move on. That I forgive him because I love him, but I will not forget, and it cannot ever happen again or I will surely leave him. I’ve told him what he must do is pray to God that he has not given me a death sentence by his foolish childish behavior,(unprotected sex) and that he must now live with this and his sins and that I hope it was all worth the betrayal to our marriage, and the vows and commitments we made to one another.
The pain anger and hurt is so unbearable, I’ve gone to see a therapist behind all of this. I’ve taken him also, him being unaware I had shown her the evidence that I had, sat and denied it to her. And she just shook her head,she too says he loves me with all his heart, but something has caused him to stray,
He was always honorable, truthful, never sneaky, never lied, but now I feel as though I live with a stranger. After his last birthday it’s as though he lost his mind and all this began. We make love everyday, we do the same things together when we spend time together as we always have, we have a great time, it’s as though nothing has changed, does she think we just live under the same roof looking at each other like fools?
Oh yes, we have been married 23 years, and are about to have another anniversary soon, I don’t know what to think, what to do, I cannot walk out of my marriage, I see his guilt, he eats and eats and he is smoking himself to death now, it’s very sad to watch, but yet he will not free himself and let it out. I’ve tried to change my live by keeping myself busy at this point, after 4 months of crying and sleeping all day and night, I wouldn’t eat, actually I couldn’t eat I lost a great deal of weight, I lost my hair, I’m trying to bring myself back from this, our son will not speak to his dad anymore, he will say hi dad when he comes over but that’s it, our daughter won’t even come over to the house and bring the kids, nor will she let them go out with us. Is this anger at me or are they just angry with him and are distancing themselves?
How can these women destroy lives like this and feel nothing at all??
smilies/cry.gif
written by some wisdom, 28 March, 2009
When my husband?s affair ended I had many questions. My husband told me was the OW had different ideas in her head as opposed to what he was seeing in the affair (sex and having a good time). Example: she wanted kids, he didn?t, she wanted to buy a house with him, and he didn?t want that, she wanted to get married, he did not want either. Her thoughts were her thoughts not his. I would be asking myself am I thinking the same way and is the partner looking at the relationship in the same manner. My husband told me was that he told the OW whatever she wanted to hear just to keep some kind of peace between them. We eventually got back together after 4 years and we experienced a very painful time in our lives and he is also sorry for the hurting the OW.
written by Cclaire, 31 March, 2009
Dear Hurt By Lies,

I tried sending you a message before and somehow I believe I deleted my own post. If you do receive two please forgive my senior moment.

YOU must focus on yourself and realize you are worthy.
Dear lady, you are carrying around so much heartache it is eating you alive.

Let’s begin with your husband’s words of continual love to you.
Still I am convinced he loves you dearly and obviously is addicted to another woman.

Somehow I get the feeling you know her as your children must as well; with their anger towards their father.

There is so much pain and somehow you are convinced he is having unprotected sex. If he has not confessed to you how do you truly know this dear?

I am pleased you are seeing a therapist.
It will help you in areas I am not qualified.

Some Wisdom is an amazing lady with truly tons of wisdom.
Her post provides much insight.

May I share again about the lady in the supermarket.
We stopped for coffee as she sobbed her husband admitted he was falling for a much younger girl in his firm.

She went to group therapy. Eventually she found herself and realized there was nothing she could do to win her husband’s affection.

She never once mentioned this woman. She went about her life realizing she had to find peace and changed her graying hair blond, lost weight and went back to school and took classes in interior decorating and opened her own business.

For the first time her husband fell back in love with a confident, happy well adjusted woman who did NOT need him to exist.

See, we were fed a man will marry you and take care of our needs. Or the same applies for a man.

We must depend on our own strength and power.
Right now you are suffering in a way I cannot imagine.

You mentioned you could forgive him but not forget.
We do want to hang onto those ugly feelings don’t we.
Dear, let them go.

I hope you can both resolve this so there will be some form of normalcy in you life.

Blessing to you.

Claire

written by sam., 31 March, 2009
Hello
I’m trying to get my thoughts together these days.. I have started attending counseling. However, I guess I need to be honest with myself. I’m still involved with my MM. Currently things are really bad on the home front for both of us. Are affairs have been discovered and are now out in the open with are spouses. I’m still in love with my MM and he states that he still loves me. My MM states that, I complete him, he loves me, I’m everything that he needs and wants... My MM states that his feelings are stronger for me than his wife and that he does not want to be with her. I stated that 2x4 does not but 2x2 will. And that he can’t have both of us. Someone would have to lose. I’m trying to figure out what I want too. I have a sense of guilt towards my husband. I don’t want to hurt my husband anymore.. The truth is that we have both hurt each by being unfaithful. My husband still wants to make our marriage work. But my heart is with my MM. However, my MM does not show me that he wants to be with me. He tell me all the things I want to here but remains at home. If he only realized that if he said the words, I would leave everything behind. I’m confused but working on the confusion. I’m trying to be the good wife but my heart belongs to my MM. I just wish things were easier but there not... I know that I need to focus on me and my husband. But I want to be with my MM.
written by jda, 03 April, 2009
Great posts from everyone...
I was with a married man for two years, wonderful, loving, blah blah blah. Last year he began taking steps toward getting divorced (fixing his finances, adapting job schedule, looking at apartments, etc.) and last month he told her he wanted a divorce. Funny thing is – even though I love him – I can’t care anymore smilies/smiley.gif Seems like he might really be going through with this, but I told him I don’t want to be along for the ride anymore. It’s almost not even about his being married – I just want someone I can count on to do something when they say they will. If you say you want a change in your life, you do it. So ironic – he finally told her and I dumped him! So I’m getting on with my life, and if one day he’s truly truly available, and if I still am, we’ll see. Either way I win.
written by I think I’m weak..., 04 April, 2009
I read half of this posts, and all of them are very supporting... I didn’t know that so many people are in the same situations... I met my MM 2.5 years ago, I was unhappy in my marriage, so was he in his. We started dating, he was pursuing me... I thought it would be just a flirt, that he has middle-age crisis, that he would leave me... but he insisted, he was telling me that he wants to be with me, he wanted to tell his wife about me just after 3 months of meeting each other... I resisted, telling him to think about his daughter who was 8 years at that time; he kept telling me that she would not need him that much, that she would understand once she grows up...
When his wife found out, he asked me whether I want him to proceed with divorce, and I told him that it should be completely his choice, so he stayed with his wife, but was telling me that they were talking about separation...
My husband found out last summer, and I decided to leave... My MM decided to separate with his wife, and started leaving with his friend.
Today is the first day since I’m divorced, but my MM haven’t filed for it yet. His daughter is asking him to come back home. He doesn’t want to introduce us to each other. Besides that his financial situation is biting him, so he told me that he would not be able to support me and him in the future, he doesn’t want to foreclose his house, which is he clearly cannot afford now, because it leaves him to live on the street, so he pays for his daughter and his wife to live there. I was waiting for the past 6 months to tell me how we are going to live further. Everything started with him telling me that we will live together pretty soon, and now he is telling me that he is deciding whether to leave his family completely or to go back. Recently he told me that most likely he is gonna move to his relatives and leave me and not go back to his wife just to sort the thoughts out since he hasn’t decided yet, and I’m so tired like that, putting my life on hold. I am not ready to leave him... it hurts a lot for his indecisiveness...
It’s not like he is just promising to leave his family. He went on separation, but hasn’t divorced yet. I am not sure what to expect... Does it worth to wait, or is attachment, house and daughter will hold him?

written by hurt by lies, 05 April, 2009
this is a reply to posts i read by also there,
I read in your lines that you love your mm,don,t you think his wife loves him also? How do you truly know that the years they have had together I think you wrote 20 years she has had him, they made a lifetime commitment to be together, How do you know things have been so horrible,and if they have why hasn’t this man ended his marriage far more earlier than waiting all these years,it makes no sense,Have you ever considered you may have been lied to, has he even told his wife about you? since you say he too loves you,
maybe she has no clue due to him telling her how much he loves her etc,
not all men are honest with their wives or the ow,
I know i am always told there is no one there has never been anyone etc,
and I know different,so if your mm is such a devoted loving honest person why are you sneaking around with him,let me correct that,why were you? why hasn,t he told his wife he wants out,or that he is in love with someone else,so the two of you can be together if that it was he truly wants,
My husband had an affair,and I have no clue the things he told the ow,but i know i had told him many many times if he ever wanted out of the marriage to just say so and he would be free to go,his reply was always the same,"i don,t ever want to be without you,I have never ever intended to ever leave you or end our marriage why would you even think such a thing,?" so you see dear girl it,s a nightmare when you love another womans husband and he may not have even disclosed his relationship with you to his wife,and you are sitting around madly in love with him as his wife is,and you are letting this man have his cake and cookies too,
I always told my husband i would rather be without him than he cheat on me with another woman, and most certainly would not stay for 20 years with someone i was unhappy with,he,s a fraud,,,,,
I,m glad you have the post here to write to as I do I think we both feel pain in all of this,
I wonder do you even know his wife,do you truly know their history,maybe he was just lookng to heal some inner demons of his own,and searched for some excitement outside his marriage,I feel come hell or high water if he truly loved you he would not be letting you go through this,I have told mine if he loved me truly he would have not hurt me the way he did,but he insists his love is true,and will be forever in my arms and our lives will never be separate, but i don’t want to be with someone i have to share or who cannot be true, you should feel the same,you should not have allowed this man to put you in this drama,i,m sure there is a love there for you who is worthy of your heart,and who won,t give you this pain,think about things maybe talk with his wife see if he has even disclosed the relationship with you,and take your life from there,otherwise you are still his secret toy,
best to you, but if he wanted to be out of his marriage he could have left, i truly believe that smilies/sad.gif
written by mixedemotions, 09 April, 2009
I am 20 and my boss was 38. We had a secret affair for 3 months until his wife found the secret phone that he contacts me on. Thankfully he had deleted all the call logs and messages, but she found my number and called me. Although she doesnt have any solid evidence of an affair, she messaged me and basically told me she would ruin my life if i didnt leave him alone. He tried to break up with me but then we spoke and he cried and i cried and we agreed to continue seeing each other but we had to be careful. Around a week later he came over to my place because i was home alone for a week and she called. stupidly he answered the phone on the stair well, so it sounded all echoey on the phone to her. She asked him where he was because he said he was at the accountants. He then left me straight away and had to race off to the accountants in case she went there to check on him. Now today he emails me and says that hes under too much pressure (he has 2 small kids with her) and needs time to think. How can things change so quickly? She is a manipulative woman who spends all his money and treats him like crap. I thought we had something so special together. Im seeing him this afternoon to talk about it.
I also lost my job because the wife didnt want me working there anymore. So im unemployed and all alone. Im the one whose lost everything and he gets it all. The things he said to me made me feel so special and the most loved ive ever felt. He took my virginity. Doesnt that mean something? It does to me. I feel hopeless, like my life has ended. I still love him though, and I always will.
written by Cclaire, 10 April, 2009
Hi Sam,

YOU are in the same situation many women find themselves in this blog.
Dear, you are addicted to a man who has shown you ... what?

Love?
Commitment?
Respect?

Hon, you are in lust with one another.
You husband has forgiven you and wants to make a go of your marriage.
It is possible to heal your marriage.

You MUST forget this man and focus on the man you married.

" I’m confused but working on the confusion. I’m trying to be the good wife but my heart belongs to my MM. I just wish things were easier but there not... I know that I need to focus on me and my husband. But I want to be with my MM. "

I will tell you that your MM shall NEVER leave his wife.
Oh, he tells you what you wish to year to keep you in his bed.

The confusion is truly a way of saying I want him, I love him and I know it’s wrong.

How must his wife feel now that she knows.
So much heartache and pain.

Do the right thing, girl,

Claire
written by Cclaire, 11 April, 2009
Dear mixed-emotions,

As you mentioned you are only 20 and he is 38. He took your virginity and now realizes his commitment to his wife and family outweighs his love for you and it hurts like hell.

Let’s talk about manipulation for a moment. I would say the man you love so deeply is the master of deception. Any man who is cheating on his wife is not worthy of seeing, falling in love with or continuing to ache over.

But, when we fall in love especially at a tender age of 20, it seems so wonderful. He told you things you needed to hear.

Funny thing is when she dialed your phone number and he answered only proved to her where he was. Running off to the accountant did not impress his wife with his continual lies to her.

You feel she is manipulative. She is fighting for her marriage and will try anything.

They have two small children and this has probably happened to her before. She knows him unlike you could ever in such a short time.

Yes, the sex was delicious and it was over before it began. His wife was smart to make sure you were not so close for him to fall again.

You lost your job, your virginity and have learned a valuable lesson many younger girls don’t take into consideration.

I hurt for you and his wife.

She has been fighting for his love during their entire marriage or he wouldn’t be fooling around. Taking a virgin is a BIG thing for a man of 38 who is feeling a bit older than his younger years.

Okay, so how do you feel better when your heart is aching and breaking in two? You have read many of the posts we have shared and it is not easy.

You must focus on another (single person) and do forget this man who will no longer be in your life.

Love yourself more than you do him and if necessary seek counseling.

All our words can help a tiny bit but therapy during this horrible time is so important.
You are w/o a job. Many hospitals offer group therapy at no cost for such situations.

Do feel better. Oh and BTW you will forget him when you fall in love again.
Many of us lost our virginity to a jerk.

One last thought. If you had unprotected sex do have a HIV test. You have no idea whom he has been with or how many times.

Take care and my blessings to you,
Claire

written by Cclaire, 11 April, 2009
Dear I think I’m weak,

This is a most complicated, yet hurtful situation he has left you in. You divorced your husband. This is amazing how many women do that so quickly with the hope of being with their MM.

Realizing you had many other reasons to divorce your husband was not just based on your MM.

"It’s not like he is just promising to leave his family. He went on separation, but hasn’t divorced yet. I am not sure what to expect... Does it worth to wait, or is attachment, house and daughter will hold him? "

He shall never leave them. It might be a short while and he shall return to her and his daughter.

THEY ALWAYS DO.

He and his wife have history together and now you are left with what?
No husband. A man who seems to be distancing himself from you and probably will return home.

As for divorcing his wife and leaving his daughter is rare.

He is wrong. When she grows up she still will not understand nor accept his way of life. Sometimes parents expect way too much of their children and she will resent him and their relationship shall be marred.

You were smart and sharp enough to pick up on that and tried to encourage him to do the right thing.

"Recently he told me that most likely he is gonna move to his relatives and leave me and not go back to his wife just to sort the thoughts out since he hasn’t decided yet, and I’m so tired like that, putting my life on hold. I am not ready to leave him... it hurts a lot for his indecisiveness... "

I can feel it like a live atom bomb. He’s distancing himself from you, dear. Of course it hurts. It hurts like hell.

Take care and find another who can treasure you the way you deserve to be loved.

Blessings your way. You have your head on straight.
Claire

written by Cclaire, 11 April, 2009
Hi jda,

I truly don’t know what to say. How old are you?

"So ironic – he finally told her and I dumped him! So I’m getting on with my life, and if one day he’s truly truly available, and if I still am, we’ll see. Either way I win."

You win? What about his wife who is probably destroyed?
Claire
written by hurt by lies, 11 April, 2009
Hi Claire,
I thought you had forgotten me, I know this is happened because of the underwear situation, I,m thinking this episode was a heat of the moment thing and all evidence was left where I could see when doing laundry, It killed,I thought it had ended but something happened during the week, And He withdrew from me also during that week as if the guilt of what took place was heavy on his mind,
I continue to hold fast,I truly believe in his love,I’ve read a article by dr mort fredel i think his name is and from what he says,my husband has the i can’t say no syndrome, so when put in the situation he can’t say no,
this i need to stop,
I know he will never leave,thats been made very clear, and he’s asked me please don’t ever give up on us,that I am his world,without me he cannot go on,
Why do these men not understand that this pain is unbearable,the betrayal hurts, I know who this woman is,I just am not sure If i should confront her or not, she has full knowledge of our marriage and she has no excuse except to cause me pain and to keep interfering with my marriage, smilies/angry.gif So I’m not sure which road to take in this situation, I’ve told him he must leave this job as step one, there is another job out there for him and him staying there is indeed going to continue to bring stress and drama into our home,he says still nothing happened but, not true, the mess I saw just made me crumble to a thousand pieces and I have them still, I was going to just sit them out and tell him,"explain this to me NOW !!
should I or should I just keep them where i have them and chalk this up along with the other things i have?
periodically she has posted to the sight,but has lied and made it as though she is the new queen,
My husband has never ever been a liar or sneak, I feel he may be in a situation also that his job may very well be at risk because of this,so he does what he does to keep the job,
we talk and talk, nothing in our sex life has ever changed,we have gotten closer as things pointed toward me leaving him because of this,
So I’m just a big bag of wild and crazy mixed emotions,I’m holding on though and I’ll not let go, And according to him he never ever wants to be without me,how does one handle something like this,would this be sexual harassment? with it being from the job,should we go that route to help end all of this,
hope you can advise me on this,
as in all marriages we have had our problems but what marriage doesn’t, we have always worked them out, and gotten closer to one another,I was thinking of a marriage retreat with our church to see if that helps some,do you think that those are a good thing? i’ll look forward to hearing from you,And I’ll keep my head high and hold onto my prince with every drop of love I have,as he has told me he will never let me go, and has never ever intended to ever be away me,but says you don’t understand what i’m up against here,but you are my world please don’t give up on us or let me go please,what do you think Claire,does this sound like some kind of trap? something that happened and he cannot figure how to get out of this situation now? please help
written by hurt by lies, 11 April, 2009
Hi Claire, it’s me again,
I forgot to mention in my last note to you,
We husband and i have had some wonderful talks just wonderful, and he has told me what a wonderful wife i am, and that he doesn’t deserve me,i deserve so much better,And I told him he is a wonderful husband and my love for him has never changed,and never will,
I thought about what you said in your note, I will get past this i’m sure one day, I know I must heal, and in time i’m sure I will,I know that holding onto any of this will only be harmful,So I will work it out during therapy,
But I love my husband so so much, he’s always been my best friend, and this past year is like being with a stranger, we have never kept anything from one another,and when this all began,I saw my friend close me out and it hurt so bad,But our closeness was still there,I just can’t get him to talk about this,
My brother says just leave it alone, let it go it happened it’s done move on, have him change jobs and don’t look back,he says it was a midlife crisis my hubby was having, because he remembered his,and see said he hurt his wife so bad he can’t forgive himself for his foolishness,there is a age difference between us both but the love is no different than any other,he says God put us together,we fit we are meant to be together,So I hold onto this and will try to erase these other things,this is just not him or his nature any of this, thats the first thing that made me fall in love with him, the special person he carried in his heart,he is a wonderful person,this is why i’m so confused, this all is not his nature,,
written by no way around it, 11 April, 2009
if a single person and a married person are having an extramarital relationship/love affair and either or both go for professional counseling, any therapist worth his/her salt will advise to end all contact with the other person for a period of at least 6 months to a year or longer – to give both parties time and space to make unclouded life decisions... if at the end of the no-contact period, the married person is able to come to the not-married person completely free and unburdened by marriage (i.e. divorced) – only then can both have the freedom to enter into a relationship with self respect, dignity, honesty and love
otherwise, there is no way around it
so if anyone is wondering what to do, end the contact completely and immediately... there is no way around it.. it is very painful in the beginning, but the pain will ease and your head and heart will become clearer
written by no way around it, 11 April, 2009
A therapist worth his/her salt will advise anyone in an extra-marital affair to end all contact with the lover for a period of at least 6 months to a year (or longer) in order to give both people clarity of mind and heart to make healthy life decisions
If at the end of that period, the married person is not completely free (i.e. divorced) to enter into a new, respectful, honest and loving relationship with the other person, then it wasn’t meant to be.
This is a mature, self-loving, self-respecting, and ‘other’ loving manner in which to handle such a situation.

At the beginning of the no-contact period, a person can experience such painful longing and desire for the lover that s/he thinks s/he is going to die.

keep looking forward... be very clear remembering why you have chosen to have no contact –

if the married person is not free at the end of the period – s/he likely never will be free for an honest, open, mature, committed relationship with you

seek help/therapy – and run as fast as you can if a therapist doesn’t tell you to end contact immediately
written by Cclaire, 11 April, 2009
Dear Hurt by Lies,

"....but says you don’t understand what i’m up against here, but you are my world please don’t give up on us or let me go please, what do you think Claire, does this sound like some kind of trap? something that happened and he cannot figure how to get out of this situation now? please help."

Legally there is only so much I can do. He is right. I don’t live in your home and understand his mind and heart.

I am willing to listen but dear, you need a professional therapist to provide you with such amazingly difficult solutions for your marriage.

I hear the pain you live with each day.
Last week I was spending time with my grandchildren away from home and just noticed your post.

You must know I am not a professional therapist and only listen and have years of gray hairs to share my words.

Is this some kind of trap? I’m not sure for whom.
There is a mishmash of difficulties and you must share this with your pastor or seek professional counseling.

I shall be your friend and hold your hand when life is coming apart.
Dear girl, do seek professional help ASAP.

You want him to leave his job. Jobs today are like hen’s teeth. I cannot advise you on your marriage choices where a pastor could direct you both.

Do understand I am not taking your words lightly; rather my heart aches for your situation.

And no you’re not a crazy bag of wind. Of course you have mixed emotions when your world is unpredictable.

I am here for you. Let the professionals guide you dear.
Know we are here for you when things seem impossible.

I am pleased you are able to have long talks and that is good.

The sight administrator mentioned professional therapist will soon be at hand to help in difficult situation.

My best to you.
Claire

written by hurt by lies, 12 April, 2009
Hi Cclaire,
I was given the most wonderful birthday by my hubby this weekend, it was just fantastic !!! I had the most wonderful time, and when he looked into my eyes and told me " baby,you are more beautiful today than the day we got married I just melted"
It was so amazing, he cooked we went shopping he just made such a wonderful perfect day, this is my prince I met and fell in love with, And I think we are going to be just fine, I’m glad I have you to write to,I was feeling so overwhelmed by all of this and feeling it was my fault due to age and health and it was none of these things,
It,s him being a man,
I’ll keep taking one day at a time,And for the ladies seeing married men,let go move on your true prince is out there somewhere,you are most likely letting him get away by seeing another womans husband,good luck to you but move on and find your true happiness,the affair things are just wrong on all parts,just wrong,,
written by Cclaire, 12 April, 2009
Dear Hurt By Lies,

"God put us together,we fit we are meant to be together. So I hold onto this and will try to erase these other things."

Dear Lady there shall always be an ache in your soul. There is a balance of forgiving and going on. The "going on" is the difficult part isn’t it.

You find yourself feeling cheated in some way. How could he do this to me?
There shall be moments when you are so low and down but that is to be expected when one is deceived.

That is the time to keep yourself busy and doing things that please you. I commend your constant love for the man you married. You have stayed with him even through the most difficult moments of your life.

I am pleased you are seeking advice from a therapist.
We gals are here to support you but the professionals are skilled in knowing how to help you in a more serious venue.

Please keep in mind when I post it takes 2-3 business days for it to be seen in this blog; sometimes longer.

Other dear ladies have also shared their concern for you and are here to help you when you feel you cannot take it.

Write us and we shall help the best we can.
Blessing to you,
Claire

written by hurt by lies, 13 April, 2009
smilies/cry.gif dear CClaire,
I’m convinced because i see the stains and residue in his undergarments and know that it didn’t come from me, and the fact he was supposed to be at work, and came home with these in the garments,
if a condom were used there would not have been such a mess to see and this is tearing me apart,
and tonight I bring it to full attention, this was not from me,
smilies/angry.gif so this must be happening at work,
written by Cclaire, 13 April, 2009
Dear hurt by lIes,

Some men masturbate when alone at work.

This mess you found did not go inside of her rather on his clothing.
Many men are horrified and would rather die than admit they were alone having fun with a magazine.

It is tearing you apart because you don’t have a full story from him.
Do know many here are concerned for your well being.

Take care and my blessings your way,
Claire
written by Cclaire, 13 April, 2009
Dear Hurt by Lies,

"...I was feeling so overwhelmed by all of this.."

Some time ago during therapy I was healed and let free it was my fault my father violated me. It took years for me to realize it was NOT my doing.

This is a natural instinct women seem to believe we are to blame.
Good for you for finding peace of mind.

What a lovely thing to do for your birthday. He loves you very much.
I am convinced he cannot live or exist without you; for whatever he has done YOU are his prize in his life.

Become involved with things which brings you pleasure. I was gray and became a blonde. As my friend in the supermarket, I too went back to school to take some writing course work.

You shall discover you will become so much more appealing when you don’t say one more word to him about this other woman. Find yourself happy and fulfilled in such a manner you don’t need a man to complete your existence.

Yes, do be his wife and feel complete in your marriage, but many women are hooked on expecting their man to bring them joy and happiness.
That must come inside of the lovely person you are able to smile and go on.

Sometimes when women are going through the change or facing menopause it is a difficult time of life. I went through hell and back. Now I am fine.
Menopause is a physical happening. The change is more emotional.

Our parents are aging and need us. Children are going off to college or getting married. Somehow we feel old and useless.

It is a terrible time of life and it requires much discipline to continue to be positive.

Be happy and stay in touch.
Claire
written by Cclaire, 13 April, 2009
Dear Hurt by Lies,

When you find this blog there is a title at the top of the page entitled TRUTH ABOUT DECEPTION.

Beneath that is a list of places to go. One is ASK AN EXPERT.
This is another venue for you to find answers. One who is qualified and has a degree in human behavior. Someone who will provide you with a more intelligent sense of help.

Yes, we continue to be your friend and shall be here for you. Just thought it might help you to read and find some answers when things become difficult.

Claire

written by Cclaire, 13 April, 2009
Dear Hurt by Lies,

When you find this blog there is a title at the top of the page entitled TRUTH ABOUT DECEPTION.

Beneath that is a list of places to go. One is ASK AN EXPERT.
This is another venue for you to find answers. One who is qualified and has a degree in human behavior. Someone who will provide you with a more intelligent sense of help.

Yes, we continue to be your friend and shall be here for you. Just thought it might help you to read and find some answers when things become difficult.

Claire

written by hurt by lies1, 14 April, 2009
Dear Claire,
Thank you so much, I really needed to read that this morning,I too have gone back to school, something for myself for once,smilies/cheesy.gif I am enjoying it quite a bit, I will try to take your advice and not say anything else,but not sure If I can keep anymore inside, But thank you so Much, And any women here who are seeing a married man,I hope that you see what pain you cause, others and Not just worry about the pain and anguish you seem to be enduring, it’s not just about you,
It’s a family and lives being destroyed by your selfishness,If you don’t give the man his way, Then he cannot destroy you or another persons life. Think on that when you selfishly worry about your own feelings,
bless you Claire
written by Cclaire, 14 April, 2009
Dear Hurt By Lies,

"I will try to take your advice and not say anything else,but not sure If I can keep anymore inside..."

When you feel like exploding or need to vent ~ send your feelings this way. Tell us how you are feeling and keep an even keel at home.

This is the most attractive attribute any husband will notice and cherish you more for being a whole person; one who is happy within.

I’m pleased you are going back to school. As women we do everything for our family and much of the time we find ourselves on the back end of helping others.

It is good to know you are smiling.

Blessings dear lady,
Claire
written by some wisdom, 14 April, 2009
Hurt by lies

When my husband’s affair was over one thing he told me was it wasn’t about the other woman it was about "him and how he was feeling at the time". It could have been another woman she was just available at the time. He knows now that another person cannot fix what was going on "inside". What also help was I started to change in the way I was relating to my husband and I got involved with things that would help me be a better person. It’s really not about the other woman spend you energy bettering you and get all the help you can because it will benefit you and your marriage. Claire has really been helpful and her experience is very beneficial.
written by Glad I read this blog, 14 April, 2009
I have been hit on by a married man for several months now. In the beginning I wasn’t interested in him even though I was attracted to him. The reason been I had a boyfriend at that time. I find my self so attracted to him now that I am single.I was so confused as to what to do. Now I know what I have to do: the right thing... and tell him that I can’t start an affair with him. Thank you for all the comments here... it really helped me to realize what I already knew in my heart.
written by Cclaire, 15 April, 2009
Hi Glad,

It is flattering especially when a married man seeks us out.
Good for you for realizing this would only lead to pain.

Not only for you but his wife as well.
Our words are here to help anyone in any stage of their situation.

Claire
written by Angela87, 22 April, 2009
I’ve known a married man for just over 2 years now. I’m 22 and he’s 41. We live on opposite sides of the world, him living in the US and I live in Australia.

When he first told me he loved me, I was so hesitant because I knew it was wrong and I kept encouraging and telling him to work things out with his wife, but slowly I slipped more and more into a comfort zone with him. I love being with him and everything about him and can see us together, he said he even was willing to come and visit me in Australia to confirm the love between us. Around a year ago, he told me that he was searching for a lawyer, but to no avail. I will not deny that I have been a terrible women. I have been and I know that God will punish me and I will gladly accept that punishment for being involved. It’s been 2 years, he tells me every now and then how he can’t take it anymore (living with his wife) and that he really wants to be with me, but there is no sign that he will leave his wife anytime soon. I know I deserve better than this and i know I’ve been a terrible woman.

I hate myself for being involved and right now I have no self-esteem what so ever. Last night I gave him an ultimatum because I believe it was the right thing to do. I told him that I cannot be more than friends as long as he is still married. And that I will be nothing more unless he has a divorce. This was the hardest thing for me to do, but it was the right thing and I have to be strong. I’m really scared because he meant so much to me, he believed in me and he was so beautiful to me. I didn’t fall asleep till 4am last night because i was crying all night. I really need support and advice in what I’m doing in this.

Angelasmilies/sad.gif
written by your mans wife, 25 April, 2009
to also there,
I’ve read your post many many times, and some that you have given advice to others,
Not to seem to bashing you,But just who the hell do you think you are? do you truly know what goes on behind closed doors with this man and his wife? all marriages have problems, you spend your sneaky little dates with him ,who is lying and cheating on someone who he made vows and commitment to,Do you know her personally,have you ever spoken to her or do you lurk around in the shadows as most women who sneak with married men do, Has he told his wife about you, or is he one of those liars who denies his cheating? have you thought about that, I feel deep inside that You are who is destroying my marriage,And i say to you stop being a coward and be a true woman and face me, I’ll give you the truth,
do you know how many days and nights i hear how much i’m loved and needed, he cannot live without me,etc,
If you are not her then still think of what i am writing to you, and really think, yes he may e your prince charming etc, But he is/was his wives prince also,men LIE !!! do you think you truly know this man, do you know his weakness’s his fears, his true self?
do you know her? everything you hear is not true,not real, i bet you were even told they don’t have sex, or she was so horrible etc, then explain when he’s given the chance to walk and be free he begs for this not to happen,I have never been lonely in my marriage,I have been supporting my husband in every dream he has ever had, ANd will forever,I am disgusted with the fact he is having sex with someone else but will not own up to his deception, I am a strong wise woman, and i have offered him freedom many many years ago,and even now, he doesn’t want it,Says he will never ever leave me,I am his world, But i ask myself why then would you put my life at risk and sleep with someone else,i don’t think you know truly this man you love,not like i do anyhow, you have heard what he wants to tell you what you want to hear,I have health issues and have told him to be free go on with his life without me, and was very adamant about never leaving his marriage.
i’m sorry you are in love with him sweetie, so am I,
he will not be free.that is my man and forever will be,
you were used and are being used, most likely from issues in his life that you don’t have a clue about, i know him like pnutbutter knows jelly,
there are things you haven’t got a clue that go on with him,do you know about his health?
go find your true soul mate, there is a man out there you are letting walk by because you want someones husband,why to hurt me more, you say you don’t waant to be the cause of his marriage breaking up, you’ve done enough of that already, i’m sorry for you all who allow yourselves to be mislead like this and go on to destroy not just yourselves but others,
We make mad passionate love and have never ever stopped.
just wake up, walk on to a new life that i’m sure is out there for you,
marriage is work and play and lots of work,
did you know he can never marry you,??
if we divorce he will never be able to marry you, and on what grounds shall he file for divorce? " i have a new playmate?
God has watched over us for all these years we have been together and will be there for us through more,you have no right to say "she had 20 years" no right at all
and dammit i’ll get 20 more god willing we live that long.smilies/wink.gif it’s called midlife crisis"!
keep writing to claire she is great !!! but move on with your life sweetie and stop sleeping with my husband,the times you shared are just the past.
written by cotton, 03 May, 2009
So according to statistics, at least 50% of marriages do end up in divorce....but married men who never ever leave their wives bring that rate down to a RARE 1% ?!
written by Almost, 04 May, 2009
I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but isn’t it a bit weird that most women feel really guilty about sneaking around, can’t have sex with their husbands to pretend everything’s ok, and often willing get a divorce after they’ve cheated. But look at the men, they shamelessly deceive their wife and gf, and more often than not continue to have sex with both, then run back to their wife when they’ve had enough with the gf. Women who are ‘hooked’ on the excitement of ‘love’ can use the same logic to understand why men are so ‘hooked’ on the excitement of ‘sex’. The sad thing is women seem to pay more for ‘love’ than men do for ‘sex’. It really is having your cake and eating it for the men. Lie to your gf to make her feel good, lie to your wife to stop her finding out, have sex both ways. Anyway, when things blow up the man lies low for a bit, the wife forgives and the gf waits, and before you know it it’s back to happy sex again. So sad.
written by hurt by lies1, 05 May, 2009
hi ladies, Claire,
just wanted to say still holding strong, still vowing his undying love for me,and the words of us never being apart, thank you claire for your words of wisdom,i shall keep being the loving wife i am and supporting my man in his dreams and holding onto ours,the pain is horrible some days but i manage to work my way past and move on,the good days are the best,i know the healing will take lots of time,thank you for all the answers i have gotten from you ladiessmilies/wink.gif
written by Cclaire, 09 May, 2009
Hi Angela 87,

"I hate myself for being involved and right now I have no self-esteem what so ever. Last night I gave him an ultimatum because I believe it was the right thing to do. I told him that I cannot be more than friends as long as he is still married. And that I will be nothing more unless he has a divorce. "

We all have a self loathing feeling when we realize we have done wrong.
YOU are a very brave and decent woman to make that decision.
Dear one, do know true love comes only once in a lifetime.
However, a married man does belong to another.

This is how it works in most cases. We think very differently than men.
More emotional and not as pragmatic.

We are convinced we have them figured out. Only to discover much pain.
It is amazing how many married women will not think twice and get a divorce, CONVINCED he will leave his wife; believing his lies.

Being your relationship is based on wonderful intimacy you are dying inside.
I do Understand.
You are in love with someone who cares and meets your needs.
But, let’s talk about him seeking a lawyer.
Is he seriously considering leaving his wife?

There are many reasons why a husband chooses to remain with his wife.

1. Money. Ka-ching!!! He has invested so much on a house, his wife and children he will be broke considering alimony.

2. He is caught in a trap called family. Her parents, his parents and grandparents who would not understand his decision. Men feel pressured to please all.
3. His family. When his children marry and grow up he can leave her. But it doesn’t work that way. His wife has him each night, each morning and much more than any other woman could.
4. She provides him needs no other woman can possibly understand.
5. His lies. She doesn’t understand me.
We haven’t slept together in month; since I met you.
You are the most wonderful person in my life and I would die without you. I promise you . . . . .

"I didn’t fall asleep till 4am last night because i was crying all night. I really need support and advice in what I’m doing in this. "

You are stressed and for a good reason.
We are here for you and do recognize how fragile we feel when YOUR heart is breaking in a million pieces. You don’t want to hurt him and feel responsible to care and nurture him.

What advice may I give you?
Right now as you pointed out your self esteem is suffering. Anything you consider may seem small and unclear.

It is the hardest thing to walk away from someone who understands you completely as you do him. But, he also has a wife whom he cheats on.
A wife who trusts his fidelity and probably does not have a clue how his heart is divided in two.

This is most important. And it follows in line with the nature of some men. If he is cheating on his wife, he shall find someone else beside yourself. Some men are flirts and require attention from every and any woman.

Do understand you are feeling horrible now, but in time with the right direction and course of action you shall heal. I promise you this: spend time with family and good friends.

I would also suggest group therapy or find clergy of your faith to seek help.
It was imperative for me to and was most helpful.

Best wishes to you. Also this sight offers professional help.
Blessing your way.
Claire
written by Cclaire, 09 May, 2009
Hi Almost 04,

"Women who are ‘hooked’ on the excitement of ‘love’ can use the same logic to understand why men are so ‘hooked’ on the excitement of ‘sex’."

It is all about deception and addiction to emotional needs.
This is the unfortunate part. Women (not all,) but most of the time give more of themselves and find it easier to forgive and wait and wait and wait for what? Usually crumbs.

The man has a family and his children are worth more to him.
He is not willing to lose the love of his sons to someone who is giving her ALL without considering the consequences.

There are some men who give more.

They do the grocery shopping and cook the meals because his wife is lazy.
This man when he falls in love with someone else gives his ALL to a woman who appreciates him.

Good observation.
Claire

written by Cclaire, 09 May, 2009
Hi hurt by lies- 1,

Your progress is most impressive. The pain you are or were feeling shall diminish.
Good for you to remain with your husband. It is difficult when you still love another and think of him often.

Life happens doesn’t it.
When we are so low there is only one way to go and that is up.

You are very kind, but truly I have done nothing that anyone else here has not shared. I am older and perceive things differently.

Just look at you. YOU are the one to be admired for remaining with your husband in the face of difficult choices.
As women we think with our hearts rather than mere logic.

It still hurts. I know and wish you all the best.
Blessings your way,
Claire

written by Cclaire, 09 May, 2009
To Your Man’s Wife,

"You are who is destroying my marriage."

This is called transference anger.
You read, re-read and studied her words as a means of fighting back to some woman who is a disturbance in your marriage.

Let’s take a deep breath and recognize we have ALL done wrong to a wife with our MM by our selfishness.

This entire blog is filled with women who are desperately unhappy by their choices. Do understand I am not blaming. You seem so unhappy.

Let’s turn this anger around and examine and recognize Also There is not the other woman in your life.

Sometimes we need something or someone to blame in order to vent our anger.

Have you spoken with your husband about your feelings?
Sometimes having therapy might help. I know I needed it desperately.

Do keep in mind this blog offers professional help. Allow them to provide you with answers I am not equipped to solve.

Many years ago I noticed my husband was infatuated with a much younger girl; a teen if you will. She was our babysitter. Nothing became of it; but he could not stop talking about Debbie (that is not her real name.)

Anyone and everyone who resembled her made me angry. As women we sometimes are so fragile when we know our marriage is at risk.

You need to address this concern with your husband and find help together.
It’s okay to have therapy. It can be very rewarding when a couple do become involved.

Blessings to you.
Claire

written by Also There, 11 May, 2009
Dear "Your man’s wife"

Your attack on me was unwarranted and, quite frankly, an insult. If you have taken the trouble of actually reading all my posts, you would have known that I am NOT sleeping with anyone’s husband. Yes, I am in love with a man who happens to be married and he loves me, but that is, quite frankly, none of your business because you know neither of us.

We are both mature people in our 50s and I don’t need a lecture from some married woman who thinks she is better than other people. The man I am still in love with and who loves me, have parted ways for reasons that have nothing to do with you or your holier-than-thou attitude.

Not all married women (or men!) are angels just because they wear someone’s ring. Not everyone caught in a triangle is a bastard or some wicked bitch. Get that in your head before you start shouting at strangers who have nothing to do with your circumstances.

I am sorry if you are hurting because your husband is having an affair. I hope things work out in a way that is truly best for all concerned – whatever that solution might be.

But please do not attack strangers who are battling with their own demons and – in my case – someone who has gone through hell and back just because the man she loves is married to someone else.

Thank you Claire, for your words too – but I did feel it necessary to point out to "Your man’s wife" and others that our world is a complex one and although I am sorry for anyone who suffers emotional pain (of their own making or anyone else’s) that she should actually read all of my posts before she appoints herself as judge over me. I don’t know her and she does not know me and we are very unlikely to be involved in one another’s lives ever. So let each of us deal with our own problems.

written by Also There, 11 May, 2009
Hi everyone,

Just my personal views on therapy and other issues, since so many people talks about it (therapy): it works for some, it does not work for others. It is also generally an expensive thing and not affordable over a long period for many of us.

Therapy is also not a cure-all for problems. A good therapist can, at best, help you to deal with solving your own problems better. Some of the other things that I know have worked for people involved in really tough life problems include the following:

* Those of you who are religious might find some comfort in prayer or talking to someone in your church. As far as I know many churches also employ counselors. Although I am personally not religious, I know that many people find solace in faith and in their religious communities.

* Sometimes just talking to friends who are prepared to listen in a non-emotional manner (i.e. who will not "take sides" and not upset you further with over-emotional advice) will help.

* Keeping yourself busy with other things as much as you can while allowing your subconscious to help you get to clarity also helps. Having hobbies that take up some of your time and getting actively involved in professional, community, sport or charitable organizations does help to take your mind off things – and often has the added benefit of making new friends.

* If necessary, talking to your GP and perhaps taking a mild anti-depressant under medical supervision for a while, could help to help you get through the darkest times. Trust me, I know how dark they can get.

* Sharing thoughts in places like this or sometimes just writing down your thoughts might help. A useful technique is to write long "diary notes" to yourself or letters to the person(s) involved. In the case of the letters, burn or delete them – or keep them somewhere safe for a while, but do not send them in a moment of anger or desperation *smile* since often we are over-dramatic and not very logical in those letters....

Mostly, I believe it is not a shame to rely on some help somehow. But in the end, we are our own best healers if we are honest about the process.

Also, it helps to be kind to yourself in small ways. Go for a walk where it is pretty. Go fly a kite – preferably in the company of children. A manicure or a movie or a slice of cheesecake (not too many of those!), a new book or item of clothing or even a weekend curled up in bed watching girlie movies and drinking lots of healthy fruit juices and cuddling with your pets does wonders for one’s spirit. *smile*

Let’s hang in there. The darkness in the tunnel may remain, but one day at a time, one step at a time. The emotions change and never become easy – but we learn how to cope and find a way to love without going crazy. Sometimes it means finding a way to suspend that love quite deliberately until some of the other wounds have healed. That is what I am doing at the moment...

written by Cclaire, 11 May, 2009
To Also There,

I met Sylvia ten years ago.
She helped me through hell and back.
It was her wisdom, her gentleness I admired greatly.

It was not so much the PHD stuck on her diplomas or how many degrees she had after her name. She was kind and intuitive, funny and real.
Our journey only lasted one year, but she remains my friend.

This is the important part.
Take time and re-read some posts of women who are devastated, stuck in a horrible situation at home, aching with pain.
Women who lack self esteem because of the lies MM fed them and don’t know which way to turn. These are the ladies who benefit from therapy.

Be it a kindly neighbor, clergy, or counselor who can be helpful.
Deep down in their hearts they want desperately to feel whole but are unable.
Many women in this grouping of posts are dying inside.

Others are more astute; perhaps more able to figure it out. Understand why men are such asses to use us as they do.

Be happy. Find your way and thanks for sharing even when we have differences.
Blessings your way,
Claire


written by Also There, 12 May, 2009
Hi Claire – you might have misunderstood what I meant. I also don’t disagree that counseling can help some people.

It is just that I believe it does not work in every case and it is not affordable to all of us. We are all different in our approaches to things and not all of us have the kind of personality that "takes" well to counseling. Of course I am delighted for you and anyone else who have found – and will find it beneficial in the future.

My little "list" was intended just to show there are other things that may also help when you are experiencing deep emotional trauma – whether it is the result of romantic issues or other big things that go wrong like losing a loved one, a friend or a job.

Claire, I am not disagreeing with you. I am very aware of the many people who have contributed to this thread and who have experienced hurt in some way due to love triangles – that is the exact reason why I thought to share some ideas that go beyond counseling or rather things one can do in addition to counseling.

My disagreement was with the person calling herself "Your man’s wife" who felt she had the right to attack me. I was offended by the tone of some stranger who thought she had the right to sit in judgment over me personally, without even getting her facts straight.

We are all human and unfortunately every person who contributes to this thread knows hurt and most of us find it hard to pick up the pieces of our lives in the aftermath of a love triangle. In some cases it was a sexual fling, in others it was a case of being used by someone, in others it goes deeper or is more complex for all kinds of reasons. But in all cases it lead to hurt – if that were not the case, people would not be contributing to this discussion...!

Claire, you and others have been very kind to me and I appreciate it. I am kind of OK at the moment – can’t say much more than that, really...

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I believe we really are helping one another in some way.

Also There.
written by Cclaire, 12 May, 2009
Dear Also There,

There are some women who are so private, unable to consider sharing the most personal of situations even if it prevents them from healing.

I do like the idea of seeing one’s GP. Meds can be most helpful when depression won’t lift.

Most women do enjoy talking whereas men are more pragmatic and say less.
Some men.

Your heart is hurting and your love is pure; as is his for you. This is not some back alley romance where it is low and filthy.
It’s a painful experience.

Claire

written by hurt by lies 1, 12 May, 2009
smilies/smiley.gif hI Claire and all who have supported me,
I’m doing quite well it seems we have this new connection new bond going on between us !!! it feels wonderful, We spend many hours talking,went away had a great time together, It seems as thought the bond we had together is back and stronger and I thank you all for your support,As i was so ready to give up and walk away,your words have helped heal a knife that was thrust into my chest, I wish you all the best and that all of the wives here find their marriages again,
and that the women here who are ow please find happiness within yourselves and move on to find a single man who can give you his full attention as you deserve,and all of his love, don’t let these men make you share your feeling with them and another in their lives,we all deserve more for ourselves and we deserve to be loved completely, not partially and lied to over and over, and strung along like someones pet, it’s not fair at all,Do love yourself enough to end it and make true happiness for yourselves.
thank you again all of you for sharing your stories and your pain, I will keep posting keep reading if i can help in anyway I would be glad to. best to all !!!
written by hurt by lies 1, 12 May, 2009
hi ladies this was hurt by lies
for some reason when i try to post without adding the one behind it it says user already logged so i have added the one behind the hurt by lies,
I thank you all for your support and understanding what pain I had going on inside me, the confusion and not understanding how this could even be happening, it was literally destroying me in every aspect of who i am,
i’m feeling whole again inside, I let it go, I’m trying to move on and get past the pain, the hurt and betrayal,I do know the problem was and is not with me, It’s him who has the issue,and he alone must find a way other than cheating and lying to resolve whatever is ailing him,
But i’m sure you all would agree it does make us this, what is wrong with us? when we know our man has chosen to sleep with another, it can destroy your very soul,
I’m better i’m at peace,it great, i re read every reply written to me and i kept reading them !!! I am fine now,
I’ts not me not my issue,I feel stronger because of all of you.
bless you all, for catching me at my weakest moments ever in my life, I can now continue my journey,smilies/wink.gifsmilies/smiley.gif
written by Cclaire, 13 May, 2009
To Hurt By Lies,

Your happiness is contagious.
How sweet it is when we connect with our man and recognize it is his doing and you are finding peace and contentment within..

There is an unwritten sense many women go into marriage with how a man is suppose to be our everything. So many women are under the delusion men are SUPPOSE to bring us happiness; when in fact we must be our best friend.

Good for you for realizing you are worthy.
When we are overwhelmed with anger and fear nothing makes sense does it.

Continue your journey with your hopes and dreams. How wonderful.

My blessing to you,
Claire
written by Cclaire, 15 May, 2009
To Also There,

"Hi Claire – you might have misunderstood what I meant. I also don’t disagree that counseling can help some people.
It is just that I believe it does not work in every case and it is not affordable to all of us. "

No, I understood you clearly.
There are way in which one can have therapy, for those willing to be vulnerable.

Claire

written by Ann #1, 17 May, 2009
To Also There,

I don’t know who you are and why you would even bother to address EVERYONE as if we are interested in you.

To me you are full of yourself and too bad you could not be more like Claire. She is the only one here who understands our needs.

signed uninterested.
written by guess who knows, 18 May, 2009
to BEG,
just wanted to let you know that I know who you are, and I also know your pet name, i have the same one, your a fool, who’s letting your body get used up by someone who has no intentions of ever leaving his wife, and if he did you would never be married to him, he’ll never do that again, anyhow, he never commented on your tattoo because he hates tattoos, but you seem to think you know him so well because you have been having sex with him, that really makes you special huh?? don’t think so what it does make you is a tramp, you know he has a wife regardless to what you were told if you had any dignity or self respect you would have walked away instead of being a tramp and lying with a married man, sneaking and lurking about like a snake in the gutter, planning and scheming, making problems for someone you know nothing about,
But you thought you were better than her and that you hold all the power, over him, no one does. If he did then you wouldn’t even be getting this reply, women like you make others look bad and make them wear the names they are called, too bad if you love him, but we know it’s all lust, and he’s a good catch, but you fail to realize he was caught years ago by his wife who is respectful, has dignity and pride in herself, and you and the other little snakes just keep wanting to drop your pants, no man walks away from that, it doesn’t make you special. You don’t care who you hurt or what you are doing to another person who has given him their life and devotion, it’s all about you, and you are no one, just a snake in the grass, he can’t even admit you exist!! What makes you think he would walk away to be with you?
If you love him so much why hide why be that shadow hiding in the corner getting his wifes leftovers, and yes they have sex and quite a lot too, did you get fed that line too, you’re a sucker, there is a man posting here that even tells you girls what your doing is being used, for his extra fun, but you get out of control and try to ruin a persons life, I know this wife and the crap you did to her, you should at least be woman enough to face her and not keep hiding in the bushes. She’s a good woman and a great wife, it’s snakes like you that turn women into what they don’t want to be called,go find your own man. Whats wrong do you lack such skills, no dignity no self respect, so you lurk in the shadows after another woman’s scraps,smilies/angry.gif Be a real woman and face her don’t keep playing your childish games with her and her husband behind her back,
I knew it was you by your BEG saw it on his computer fool!!!
written by Sorry Sue, 19 May, 2009
To guess who knows.

Why are you posting this here when you could have emailed her?

Who is BEG?

SS.
written by Cclaire, 19 May, 2009
Dear guess who knows,

So much pain and anger. How can this sight, this blog help you?

You saw it on his computer. Are you his wife who is being tormented so?

It’s okay to share your feelings.

Blessings to you,
Claire
written by Paying in spades, 20 May, 2009
What goes around does indeed come around. One day you will be in the wives’ shoes and you will feel the agony that you have caused someone else.
written by guess who knows, 21 May, 2009
Hi sorry sue, BEG knows who she is, she has posted here about her little affair, if i could have emailed her Believe me I would,her name was used as a password, Yes i,m angry I despise her,she is destroying my mother emotionally by her cowardice,she does dirty horrible things to her but is not woman enough to face her with the dirt she is doing with the womans husband,I feel if you think your woman enough to be with someones husband,then be woman enough to face what you earned also,I,m so angry with them both on what they have done to a good woman,who doesn’t deserve any of this,and who thought home was just a happy loving marriage,she’s a dirty coward who thinks she is smart,she deserves a long trip too hell !!!
and to paying by spades,you are so right !!! one day she will pay and pay hard,I can only hope that she does get to endure the pain like she is dishing out and yet being a coward while doing her dirty little stunts.
Yes Claire we all have pain and anger from this deception and lies !!!smilies/angry.gif
written by LoveHurtsSometimes, 22 May, 2009
..and all wives are innocent darlings?

Come on, open your eyes and mind and realize that in reality many marriages fail. Some of them fail because of an affair – but in most cases where men are unfaithful in thought or deed, they go back to their wives anyway because it is convenient.

Oh and ... some married WOMEN also have affairs.

It is "wrong" in many cases to get involved in a relationship outside of marriage – but in some cases there is not much of a marriage left anyway before an affair starts.

I wish some of the married women who write notes here and complain about how they are being hurt, would understand that the other parties (including their husband!) may have feelings too. The sympathy almost ALWAYS lies with the wife/husband but the other man/woman is made out to be the devil. NOT true in all cases, even although in some cases of course the "other person" is at fault.

Some married women use their husbands as a meal ticket and provider of physical things but they don’t give back. Many women are so obsessed with possessions and their own looks that they have no passion left for anything else – including their marriages.

It their husbands stray, they should not be surprised.

This discussion started with women who are in LOVE with married men. Why don’t the married women get it that they do not always have the moral high ground?

written by guess who knows, 23 May, 2009
To love hurts sometimes:
i think they do get it,And noy just being biased because this is my mother,I feel this way being a man myself that it is wrong !!! I have heard my mother ask repeatedly if my father would like to end the marriage,was he unhappy for any reason,if he wanted out,And I always heard his reply,NO NO I cannot live without you,I am completely happy and fulfilled in and with this marriage,And for this to happen makes me very angry,I.ve seen the evidence and he is not even man enough to own up to his deception,but wants to keep my mother hanging on to him,and she’s offered him freedom if that is what he wanted.And yes some woman are just takers. I’ve met my share, she is not that way she is totally the opposite and gives and gives,But always gets shit in return.And this woman I wrote about is not blind to the marriage but pursues the situation continuously,and then she wants to smile in my mothers face and act as though she is a friend, it’s woman like this who have no respect,no dignity no pride,and there are women who just fall in love with someone,I hold both my dad and the woman at fault,he always told me to own up to what i do," be a man son" well what about practicing what you preach,
I feel my mothers anguish and her pain,I hate seeing her this way. And for the ow to torment and do dirty things to her is just a coward!! and a tramp, can’t she find her own man,Love is not supposed to hurt, love and marriage is a commitment between two people, not permission to lie and be dirty to another person,either person, you don’t use women or men either. It’s morally wrong, period. I feel for the hurt woman i read about on here and wonder how someone who calls themselves a man could belittle and degrade another woman like this, for their own selfish needs,
And my father has vowed he has never had any intention of ever leaving my mother so he is doing most evil, far from what he raised me to be as a young man growing up. I’m so ashamed,
good luck ladies,
p.s
and the discussion is still on hurt women married or the other woman.smilies/wink.gifsmilies/angry.gif
written by fay, 23 May, 2009
I have been in love with a MM for 3 years now said he not sleep with his wife, am I fooling my self when we make love he does not hold me i feel it is only sex, I feel used, am I right?
written by CClaire, 23 May, 2009
Dear None of you are alone... , 23 February, 2007

I re-read your post and your words mirrored my life.
I met my therapist Sylvia ten years ago as she spent one year helping me survive.

As women we are treated poorly, sexually abused or not appreciated.
There is an insidious form of poor self image that creeps up on us and we believe the lies men feed us. Be it a father, husband, lover or teacher it is wrong.

Thank you for such insight, intelligence and your ability to heal.
These are your words.

"It’s refreshing to see a post with such positive and supporting commentary.

Too often I’ve seen or even heard comments about "getting what you deserve" from this type of relationship. I was sexually abused by a married man I loved... my father when I was a small child... I suppose I deserved that too if you’re in the aforementioned camp of reason.

I don’t think anyone should be punished for truly loving someone. I do think that at 31 and having found myself in a couple of situations like yours I’ve learned to be wary of the advances of people who are already committed.

However, if you do find yourself there you must realize at a point you are being used not respected or loved. I still feel that one of men I was involved with would have been a perfect mate... however, he was committed to someone else and I finally realized that his financial investment in their home and business were worth more than his feelings for me. It hurt... it still hurts sometimes.

Obviously, someone who would treat you in a similar manner is NOT worth suicide.

Believe me, he is not the only man out there... and if you’re stuck feeling that you need to keep in contact with him... do... BUT... my advice is start distancing yourself in gradual do-able steps and allow yourself to look for the love you desperately seek in some right places

Explore the possibility of someone who will devote their time and love to you the way you have to him... and in the way your beautiful loving heart "deserves.""

Blessings your way,
Claire

written by hurt by lies 1, 23 May, 2009
smilies/angry.gifhi fay,
i’m feeling so sorry for sweetie,that if the usual lie married men tell. He probably makes love to you and then goes home and does it with his wife. If he is not holding you then what are you doing even going to bed with him,how can you be making love if he can’t even hold you ?? get out leave him alone you deserve more and it is out there waiting for you !!!smilies/wink.gif
written by CClaire, 23 May, 2009
Dear guess who knows,

"I feel so ashamed."
Dear man, there is no reason for you to feel the shame of your father.
He is the guilty party. Not yourself.

Yes, this is a blog for women. However it is also a place for those who are hurting and who need reinforcement.

May I suggest this for your mom.
Can you discuss therapy at this point in her life?
Right now she is going through hell and back and therapy or group therapy would be very beneficial. Many experience wonderful results.

Also she needs to find something in her life other than your father.
Some of us went back to school or considered a hobby.

You are a smart man and probably already thought of them..
My heart goes out to you and your mom. May you both find peace of mind.

Not only do you know this other woman, but she is blatantly allowing herself to be cheapened and in the process hurting your mother.

Blessing to you,
Claire

written by CClaire, 23 May, 2009
Dear Fay,

You are addicted to romance and love and when someone loves us it is a lush feeling. You mentioned he does not hold you when you make love.

Okay, let’s begin by realizing he probably does have sex with his wife no matter what he says, and I am hoping he uses a condemn with you.

You feel used. Yes you are right and do consider ending this relationship.
There is a wife and probably children involved.

Best wishes,
Claire

written by hurt by lies 1, 25 May, 2009
to love hurts sometimes,
I read your post some things you said are very correct, some are not. Some men are compulsive liars and don’t care who they use or hurt to get what it is they want. i’ve known cheaters have perfectly happy homes, go to work act as thought they are one person, are totally different at home having sex regularly with their wives. But lie to the simple woman they find they can sucker to get what they want, and then all parties get hurt while he walks around as though he is golden boy and never does wrong, and it’s not true.
thats why i feel these women should talk to the wives put these liars and cheaters in check. let them know they need to pay for their deceptions and hurting people, and there are women out there who just don’t give a damn if a man has a wife or family and just does things to do them. it’s those who have no dignity no self respect, why lower yourself for leftovers of someone else’s sex life? not knowing if your getting a disease or not or if doing this sort of thing is habit, may be you a passing on diseases to a innocent woman who may have asked if her husband is cheating, and he lies and vows his love and swears he could never cheat on his wife. it’s all deception, if we go along with these lying men we are becoming what they are, and they go to the wife as if they are saints and vow eternal love and lie to ow about why they cheat, if she would say no, then he can’t have his was, but there are women who don’t give a damn and think they are justified because some men fed them some bullshit,smilies/angry.gif i feel for the young man here who wrote about how his father raised him but yet his father is not being a real man himself, and hurting his wife family and the ow he is lying to for his own selfish reasons,smilies/sad.gif smilies/angry.gif
written by guess who knows, 25 May, 2009
Hi Claire,
I can talk to her about anything, we are that close. She has her outside interest and hobbies. He is not her center of the universe. she is just very very hurt. she loves him with all her heart. she’s been a wonderful wife, and support for him, she has given up dreams she had to support his dreams, she worked hard to try and make sure I had a fair chance at life with all of my learning disabilities and problems, and she did it alone,
I was raised to be a man, own up when you have done something wrong, if you did it own up. don’t be a coward. if your going to be a coward about what you have done then don’t do it.
Mom tries to pretend this is not eating at her soul, I see her she is crying and she tries to hide it, she went to a therapist for awhile but she stopped, she said she is not the one who needs a therapist, or the one who has the problem. he does.
he doesn’t want to let her go, doesn’t want a divorce, but he has decided that he wants to whore around with other women and put my mothers life at risk,and she sits and write to the sights as though she is a angel, but she isn’t she is a disgrace to other women, and they have done horrible terrible things to mom and act as though nothing has been done,when she sees my mother she runs and hides like a dog who stole a bone, why not face her?? be a real woman? don,t they know just because they are having sex doesn’t make them a man or a woman. It’s owning up that counts. why lie and sneak? I’ve even asked dad if he wanted to be free,he swore never in this life. I’ll never ever leave your mother she is my world. I cannot live without her.
is this what i will be doing when i reach his age? lying and hurting someone i love dearly because i need to sow my wild oats and feel young again?
i think this will all send me to therapy !!smilies/angry.gif you seem very wise and in tune I will keep writing to you for advice maybe i can help my mom in some way.
written by CClaire, 27 May, 2009
Dear Guess Who Knows,

You are a very kind, giving and loving son son. Actually you remind me a lot of my own son. Determined, smart and intuitive.
I pleases me to know he is not the center of her universe. She has other outlets and that is what counts.

The fact is he is behaving in a manner neither you nor your mom can change.
It is difficult to know her heart is breaking.

You are very kind. There are many here who also give excellent advice. I am here for you anytime.
Plus, this site offers professional counseling for those in need.

Blessings to you,
Claire
written by some wisdom, 27 May, 2009
To Guess Who Knows.....

Sometimes as a wife we can enable bad behavior because we really don’t know what to do and we cannot control other’s just ourselves my father was similar to yours and I can relate to your pain. What help me was to understand how I enable this problem. I don’t know if you heard of the tough love approach there’s a good book call Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.
written by some wisdom, 27 May, 2009
To Guess Who Knows....

Another book I just thought about was "When Good Men Behave Badly" by David B. Wexler. Different books gave me better insight on how I needed to help me and my family.
written by Carolannne, 30 May, 2009
Personally, I am wondering what the hell you became involved in a married man’s life? I am sorry that I cannot feel remorse for your situation. Your situation is caused by yourself and only yourself. There are many single men in the world, why mess with someone else’s husband. If he wanted to leave her, he would have done so. Wake up and smell the coffee, you are his cake, and you’re letting him eat it....shame on both of you!
written by CClaire, 01 June, 2009
To Carolannne,

To whom are you writing too?
written by CClaire, 02 June, 2009
Huh!!! I cannot believe I wrote this.

"To whom are you writing too?"

That is not only a prepositional phrase. But the too should be a to ... and carried further.

Yes, my dyslexia is still a problem..

Claire
written by SloanB, 02 June, 2009
I’m the wife of 25 years.
He left 2 days ago because "I’ve gained weight since menopause" and he can’t sleep with me.
I am also a paralegal and have worked around divorces and splitting up for 20 years. So I know that when a man leaves his wife, it’s another woman.
I married him and took care of him and his daughter by his first marriage. I was there when his ex-wife screamed, sued and made our life miserable. I was there when he started his ‘second’ career. I worked for 10 years in his office, while also working at a 2nd part time job. I raised his 2 kids with me, one who was ADD.
So now that he’s left, YES, I do get the house,the Lexus, 1/2 the retirement money, 1/2 the investments, spousal support, and 1/2 of his office. It’s what I worked 25 years for.
A younger woman does smart a bit. But my soon to be ex is a lot like public transportation, ‘if you miss one bus, wait a while and another will come along’.
written by CClaire, 03 June, 2009
Hi Sloan B.

You are amazingly strong.
The fact you gained weight is an excuse not a reason.
Love and intimacy comes in all sizes and packages.

It is most unusual when a husband does leave his wife.
But, then you are in the business of seeing it happen time after time.

Knowing you supported him, emotionally and took care of his child is a royal slap in the face to a lovely person such as yourself.

GOOD FOR YOU!!! Knowing all the ins and outs of legal situations you shall not be left in the cold.

I know it hurts. You are not going to allow him to ruin your life.

Blessings your way,
Claire
written by stuck, 05 June, 2009
ok, here’s my story....my husband and i of 8yrs separated about a year and a half ago, right after he moved out I ran into an old friend whom also separated from his girlfriend just about the same time. He too was with her 8 yrs. So we were able to talk and share our feelings, we got so close & fell in love...he tells me everything i love to here, the thing is she still comes and goes to his place she make him feel bad & guilty, he helped raised her 9yr old since he was 2. They dont live together nor do they have kids together but she is still around. He says he feels bad because she is in a financial rut and he cant deal with tell her that he wants to be with me, also considering that he knows how crazy she is going to get & would just rather avoid all the drama. He says he doesnt claim her as anything...but he still lets her go over with her son when she wants. But when i confront him about us, he says he loves me and wants to be with me, doesnt want me to leave me, but its just too soon right to tell them that he is moving on, hes says once he gets his new job he can give her money to get out of her rut, then he will feel better about moving on. We spend alot of time together during the week, he even spends the night about twice a week, we do everything a couple would do. On weekends i dont hear much from him, because she is probably there with her son. She has even sw me leaving his apt once, but she is still determined to make things work..they broke up cause she is very controlling & extremely jealous, she doesnt want to start over or be alone so she is always trying to make him feel bad...but is a year and a half that we have been seeing each other & it is soo great, but how long is it going to take to wean her off or make her go away? if he’s not happy why does he still deal with her?? they dont even live together anymore. I can see a great future if we only had the chance, but i am starting to feel as though is attached and afraid to start new, even if he is very happy with me. idk
written by CClaire, 06 June, 2009
Hi Stuck,

Your story is a carbon copy of so many others here.
Let’s do this. It might help if we go over your words and talk about the differences of men and women.

You are getting signals things may not be as wonderful as they should be.
I know you are in love. BUT -- he’s not committing to you.

He’s playing a game called I’ve got my cake and am eating it too.
There is a big difference in a man falling in love and saying, "Honey, let’s get married. I cannot live without you."

There is and shall always be a reason why SHE shall always win.
He cannot leave and seems to be committed to her financially, emotionally and figuratively.

HE shall forever tell you how wonderful you are and share her bed.
You can see a great future if only you and he had a chance?

And, he is making excuses too, isn’t he.
What appears to be deliciously wonderful is going to turn sour quicker than you can imagine.

How long will it take for him to wean off of her? He should have done so months ago. Your relationship is based on intimacy and hearts and flowers.
But, he still belongs to he.

It is time to tell him you cannot continue being 2nd place in his live.
Actually not even that. He’s attached to this child he’s helped raise and that is a very big draw for a man.

Take a deep breath and consider what happened in the beginning.
You were both vulnerable.
And you seemed to share so much in common. It was perfect.
What happened? He needed to be with someone new and different.
Just as you did.

The only difference is you are willing to begin a life with him and it is apparent to me he cannot.

Hang strong and realize there sill always be another excuse.
Eight years is a long time to invest in someone. He just cannot leave her.

Blessing your way,
Claire
written by CClaire, 07 June, 2009
Hi Stuck,

idk -- for I don’t know?

When I re-read your post it hit me. OMG -- he’s married to (his girlfriend.)

Too many isolated incidents, too many lies, a series of commitment men usually form with a wife; not necessarily so with a girlfriend -- even of eight years.
They lie and lie and lie and tell us EXACTLY what we want to hear.

Okay. I am probably wrong. But I am concerned for your well being and he’s playing you both for what it is worth.

Yes, the sex in delicious. The intimacy is outstanding and where does this leave you in the finality of it all?
Do take care. It hurts like hell when the reality finally hits he’s no longer in your life.
You’re not stuck. You have choices and he should not be one of them.

We’ll talk again if it helps.
Claire
written by fighting back now, 07 June, 2009
to sloan B,
i know just how you feel, mine is still here but cheating and lying, I’ve put in 24 years and he wouldn’t be where he is if it weren’t for me and my support and sweat and tears, he went and got some ass from a dirty little tramp,who is gutless coward,and wants his cake and cookies too, I’m not dealing with it anymore, I’m going for the big win and take all, i’m disabled, can’t work so he can take me of me forever still since he wants to play dirk dickalot !!!
good luck to you lady, i haven’t gained but i’ve lost so much from the bullshit i’ll never get any weight back,
it’s not fair they do us this way at all these tramps need to pay also,smilies/angry.gif
written by Too Late, 08 June, 2009
Hi,
when I learned of my husband’s affair, the OW called me at 4am drunk and screaming at me telling me she wanted me to die. I was so numb, shocked, and then the pain set in, it shattered everything, I questioned everything about myself, about our marriage. I like many others, have been through hard times, but nothing in my life prepared me for this. Since finding out, I have never been the same, I always trusted people, now I don’t, I don’t even trust myself to decide who I can trust. I have a hard time remembering what it felt like before I knew the truth. We had gone through so much together, and for him to do this? To hurt me in the cruelest way possible? The OW thought she would get him now, well, she didn’t and she went on a rampage. Once when I spoke to her, I asked her why did she think he was being honest with her when she knew better than I at that time what a cruel liar he was. She knew he was lyng to me, his wife, and our daughter, yes this effected her also. She enjoyed the game to much, calling my house, trying to get close to our daughter, whenever she saw me she would head straight for me trying to be my best friend, she was an employee of ours, how typical huh? Needless to say, I told her she knew what a liar he was and she wa a liar also, they both played a game with the lives of my daughter and I. He was told to leave and he wouldn’t, and when he didn’t as the OW expected him too, she began harrassing me and my daughter. a year later my husband died. My entire world is gone, it exploded because of the selfishness and cruelty of others, and no, this didn’t stop her harrassment, she actually stepped up the pace till I got the police involved. I am sure others have said this before, but if the cheater you are with is lying to his spouse, what makes you think you are so special he is not lying to you? when you find out he is, you take your anger out on his wife and family?? so what you do to others you don’t tolerate being done to you? I have no sympathy, I feel sympathy for my daughter. the affair still bothers me, his death (yes we were working on our marriage and it was going great) shattered me. My world has imploded, no one has the right to do that to another person. stop and think when you find yourself in this situation, would you want this done to you? How would it effect you? the pain is unlike anything i have ever felt in my entire life, and there is no fixing it. You learn to live with it, and the scars are there for the rest of my life. You are responsible for what you do to others, they are not responsible for what they do to you, the first time you learn of their lying and cruel actions. The last year of my husband’s life was spent working on our marriage, there was arguing, turmoil from the OW, and now my memories of the past years with my husband are full of nothing but pain. Don’t be foolish enough to think that a cheating spouse stays with a spouse they complain about,. keep one thing in mind, cheaters are too selfish to be martyrs and live in an unhappy situation, don’t believe everything you hear, because yes, we all know cheaters are liars.
written by CClaire, 09 June, 2009
Dear Too Late,

Your words are remarkably sad and to say I am sorry could not express my sincere sympathy for not only your husband’s death; also, turmoil you experienced because of their selfishness. Your loss has left you numb.

I re-read your words and realize this is horrific. Any woman who cozies up to her lover’s wife to deceive and cause you such pain is unthinkable.

There are no words I can give as medicine to remove your scars, anger, deep regret he was unfaithful and to lose him during the process of healing your marriage.

It takes a LONG time to heal the death and deception of a spouse all at once.
You mentioned for the first time you cannot trust anyone now as you once experienced before you learned the truth.

Your daughter is your hope to finding light again and possibly falling in love with someone worthy of you.

To be deceived and hurt this much is cause for much anger and rage.
One day. Some day you will find peace. Not now.
It is raw and hurts unlike I have read.
You have experienced a nightmare I wish on no person.
My best to you,
Claire
written by CClaire, 10 June, 2009
Dear Fighting back now,

So much hardship and pain; yet you seem so strong and determined not to allow this man to hurt you further.
How despicable for one person to be so unkind to another.

A wife gives up her very life to make sure her husband makes it to grad school and finally becomes a doctor. Only to be rewarded with a slap on the face because he has bigger fish to fry.

Some men are truly unworthy of our sweat and tears.
Best to you.
Claire
written by considered it but couldn’t, 14 June, 2009
Deception and betrayal--that is what an affair is. All this talk about love is just about hormones and addiction, not anything that is mature and honest. People tell themselves all kinds of stories, also known as lies, to justify the acts that create incredible pain for many people, including themselves. There is sex and attachment but there can never be true intimacy. What would it be like to live a healthy honest life?
written by Lancelot’s Guinevere, 16 June, 2009
I loved my MM for 6 years, and he made it very clear that he would never leave his wife, too attached, staying for his three children. Honest, right? And I was happy to have him when I could, once a week he spent the night with me, phone calls every morning and evening, emails, presents in my mailbox, the occasional trip, just the two of us. He was the most giving and fascinating man, I’d never felt so close to anyone. I saw him through surgery for his prostate cancer, he saw me through a job loss, we were best friends with amazing sex, year after year. And then, it slipped, he was seeing another woman at work. They had sex nearly every morning, just before he called me every morning. This guy was busy!! I was stunned! Devastated!! I’d never made any demands on him about leaving his marriage, ever. He apologized, but said he was so confused, because he’d developed a very strong attachment – to her.
I spent two months listening to him say he would break up with her (Rose), but never following through. I finally told him that no man on this planet deserves to have wife and 2 girlfriends, and dumped him. I didn’t think I could live. It still feels so lonely without him. He lost his job, and then his father died, so I had to see him, but it all came back really quickly. This man is a liar through and through. He’ll never stop. I’m starting to put my life back together, and it is working very slowly. The worst – I hate myself for not seeing through him sooner, and for being such a fool. I’m getting over that, too. Slowly. His parting words were priceless, "Kathleen, it wasn’t ALL a lie!" we all deserve to have a love without ANY lies!!
written by CClaire, 18 June, 2009
Dear Lancelot’s Guinevere,

As women it is part of our emotional makeup to give and give and give until the pot is finally empty.
You were hit with a horrible reality. I am not his one and only as you believed.

Dear lady, when I was with my MM it was magic. We were the ONLY couple in the universe who could feel so alive, happy and in love.

Our relationship was 3500 miles across the pond to the UK. Everything was so good. Then I visited him for a week and the sex was beyond awesome.

That was when I learned he truly was a jerk. He promised to leave her.
Then his story changed and I couldn’t wait to leave him and his lies.

It hurts deeply when we nurture, see someone for such a long time and then learn a horrid truth.

Your words are precise, intelligent and you have your head on straight.
Don’t feel badly over being used; we have all been there.

Blessings your way,
Claire
written by hurt by lies 1, 18 June, 2009
to sloanB::
hi i was wondering if you could help me out a bit,I truly think i’m headed for divorce after 23 years,he’s cheating a lot with more than one,retired military,and also works,
I am disabled i have no income nothing ,he’s now saying he’s taking my name off the bank account,she’s been filling his head with lots of shit and he is falling into it,Am i just to wind up homeless now with nothing but a destroyed heart spirit and soul?
written by Old Reverend’s Girlfriend, 18 June, 2009
So GLAD I found this blog. It’s great & nice to know I have lots of company since this breaking up thing makes you feel alone.

For the wives who are reading this, not all of the girlfriends were out to get your husbands. I’m a widow, was happy being alone for 2.5 years, no interest in dating anyone, turned down many men. BUT 2 months ago in a bookstore, this older man, well dressed, mid-70’s (!), talked & talked & asked for my phone #. He had already said he was divorced, he’s a minister (sort of well known around here, very conservative Christian denomination), seemed just fine to me. I was in & out of town so he pursued me by phone until I could finally meet him for breakfast. Next day he brought roses. One thing led to another. All the time he was telling me details of his life, ministry, wife’s affair (I wonder now), nothing strange except he seemed awfully experienced for a Rev. Said he loved me; in many ways I think he means it but..... actions speak louder than words.

Things didn’t seem to add up quite right after a couple of weeks. His excuses centered on a 40 yr old daughter who would be upset if he had a girlfriend. I gave him some more time to tell her. Since I’ve never had to sneak around before, I didn’t give him much time. More and different excuses. His name isn’t in the phone book & I couldn’t Google him. Finally tracked down the details by calling the Assessor’s office and that led me to the real name, address, phone #, etc.

Confronted him. Lie lie lie. And more. When I showed him the hard copy, he had to admit it. Then additional lies. Still, he swore they were divorced.

Long story short: (his story) They had remarried 5 years ago but didn’t live together. She moved back in for a 2 week trial. Last week they decided to make it a 3 month trial.

#1 I’m done even though he called yesterday and cried. #2 I have an 8 page letter I haven’t yet mailed to him. Should I? He knows he’s deceitful and a liar but I want him to see it in writing.

Bottom line: I’ve wasted 2 months on this man (thank God it wasn’t 2 years) and until last week, I had no idea he was married. So, wives, please understand that many of your husbands are out and out liars and will say anything -- to you and the rest of us.

Great blog. Very helpful.
written by CClaire, 19 June, 2009
Dear Lancelot’s Guinevere,

Just one comment after re-reading your post.

"The worst – I hate myself for not seeing through him sooner, and for being such a fool. I’m getting over that, too. Slowly. "

When we fall in love we hope and expect the other to feel as deeply and committed. There was no way you could possibly see this coming.
You trusted him and he seemed so perfect.

If anything THAT should be the tip off for other women tempted to become involved with a MM. DON"T!

Don’t consider it. Don’t do it and if you are already in a relationship with a MM GET OUT.

Are all men liars? No they are not. However he is lying to his wife each time he holds her, tells her how wonderful she is and the lies continue as a long stream of heartache.

"I WONDER IF ANY OTHER COUPLES CAN FEEL AS WE DO?"
The lines that came out of my MM’s mouth was insufferable.

I’m not sure If I wrote this for you or myself. Every now and then, it’s like a cigarette. You smell one and crave it for just for a moment.

Best wishes,
Claire

written by guess who knows, 20 June, 2009
to love hurts sometimes,
Maybe you know women who are materialistic, and only care about themselves and use their husbands,and maybe you have also been fed lies,
I know many women who love their husbands dearly,the husbands has everything he can want at home and then some,but it’s not enough,there are men who seek outside attention for their own selfish needs and for their own insecurities that they don’t even know how to handle and then seek attention from another to boost their ego,and feed her all sorts of bullshit lines to get her pity and get the attention he is seeking,instead of getting it from the wife who wants to share his pains,fears etc,he then sits and tell his wife how great she is,how much he loves her,all those lines we wives and ow want to hear,but then he goes out seeking attention he can get at home but he has insecurities he cannot face,most likely from his childhood,And also,
a wife should try to look her best for her man at all times,that is not selfish,it is most likely what drew the man to her in the first place,just because they are married doesn’t mean she should let herself go and look like a pig day to day,You sound like someone who’s possibly been fed fodder by some married man who is out doing the exact things we ladies here are crying about,and he is hurting his wife and he’s hurting the ow,
i’m a strong believer the two should meet and put his lies right to his face and see what he does then,but most that are seeing married men hide and sneak around ,steal secret meetings for sex,then they wait tilthe next meeting while he sits at home loving his wife doing his husband routine like nothing is wrong,and yes there are wives who are users,but you cannot judge who is who unless you know her directly,so don’t assume that remark you made,it sounds like something you had been fed by a lying man,trying to get you on his side,is that it?you think your defending some man who has fed you his lies and tales of a horrible wife and life,but is till with his wife and using you for sex and pity?so you defend him not even knowing the wife,cheating is WRONG PERIOD !!! no matter what it’s wrong,either leave the marriage or stay don’t hurt two people for selfishness,smilies/angry.gif
written by European Girl, 23 June, 2009
All,

I came across this blog by accident, looking for support. This has been such inspirational reading material in the time of my worst crisis. Thank you ladies for being so supportive to each other and not judgmental.

My story: Married for 18 years, 1 child; MM is 10 years my senior with adult sons and grandkids.

We met at work 4 years ago when I was happily married. MM was awesome to work with and we developed a cohesiveness (professionally) that was hard to describe: We soon became the best sales team in the company. From day one, he started telling me how beautiful, smart, perfect and what a great mother I was! After 1 year, he told me that he loved me. I was still not impressed as I still saw him as this nice older gentleman who happens to be my coworker.

As time went by, we started talking about our families and marital situations and we developed a deep friendship. He said he lacked intimacy and affection by his wife.
Two years into our working “relationship” and he started pursuing me aggressively. Telling me how he would marry me, how he loved me and how I fulfill him.

I never wanted to give in to his flattery, though, as I was happily married (still) and I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Months passed and we got closer and closer, taking every free minute we had to talk about everything from planting roses to rearing children to sales goals.
Three years went by and I finally fell for him and I fell hard. A romantic relationship started developing, without any physical contact, though, as I did not want an affair, I kept telling him that over and over. And he agreed. The first kiss was going to be special and under different circumstances. He kicked it up a gear and started making plans for our wedding and looking at houses with a yard for his dogs. At the same time, my situation at home started deteriorating seriously. And his was “normal” – “a roommate situation”. (Don’t believe that, girls, there is no such thing!!!!). Everything seemed great until he started withdrawing from me. I confronted him about this and he’d always say “I love you, and I’m in love with you. Nothing has changed.” But he did change and he did become more distant as I grew crazier about him. He traveled a lot for business and when he’d return, he’d be nice and professional. And he’d always repeat how much he loved me but he clearly stopped mentioning a future and/or a commitment whatsoever. I confronted him and he said it was because of financial worries. In the meantime, he’d lost about 200 K on real estate in Vegas and had to take out equity.

It was in the first days of this year that he showed me his New Years’ resolution list when I realized that this was the beginning of the end. Number one was “Get out of debt”, number two do more charity work etc. Out of ten things on the list, there was no mention of starting a new life with me. I asked him about it and he said “some things I keep in my head and I don’t have to write them down.” BS!!! Girls, if you are not on their N.Y. resolutions list, RUN!!! I made the mistake to have stuck around despite the clear warning signs. In an attempt to desperately get him back where we were (talk about marriage etc.), I gave him a first kiss that he would never forget. And he loved it, he wrote a 4-page letter about the kiss and his feelings for me. Soon, that sensation fizzled though and we were back to normal, where he worried about finances and I grew more and more depressed. I told him I could not live this life any longer, of loving him and being with another man but he did not seem to understand what the rush seemed to be.
So, the past 6 months have been hell on earth. I confronted him several times, asking him to let me go if he did not want this. He’d always say he couldn’t live without me and he wasn’t happy at home. Luckily, I kept the physical to kissing and we never engaged in any sexual activity.

written by European Girl, 23 June, 2009
Continued....

The confrontation: I told him to make up his mind and gave him 1 week to tell me clearly if we will move along with our plans or not. The day came and he declared through tears that he can’t give me 100 % and it would not be fair to promise me he’d marry me when he can’t. He stated financial reasons. I told him it was OVER.
He got on his knees and started crying, telling me how he’d never be happy without me. He begged for more time. He suggested we “cool down” a bit until he’d figured out his finances. I stayed firm. He started negotiating “Tell me, when do you want to get married and I’ll make it work.” I said “No more of this. No more back doors. Do not talk to me again.”

The hurt is there, of course and I cried for days afterwards. But I stay firm by my decision.

I decided that, if he does talk to me, I will tell him that I will file a sexual harassment complaint against him with the company and that I will talk to his wife. I can’t see myself doing any of this, but this is the time to be strong and to defend myself.

I have 2 questions, though:

1)How do I carry on at work? Neither one of us will leave this great job and I am forced to sit in the same office with him.
2)How do I revive my shattered marriage?

Any advice would be appreciated….

Suggestion to all out there that have encountered the same drama in your lives: Get everything out of your system. Tell him what is on your mind, confront him. At least, it will make you feel better.

Blessings to all.

written by CClaire, 07 July, 2009
Hi European Girl,

Let’s begin with your MM. Your partner in crime more or less. The person you worked with and made a way for yourselves. Obviously a bit too connected.

There is a form of conversation in the office called bantering.
Everyone joins in and listened to your intimate tone you made with your MM.

Some men (especially older) requires a challenge.
You were perfect. Somehow you seemed to connect and grew together emotionally and a friendship blossomed. As soon as you fell for him he became disinterested. Why? No challenge.

Now let’s talk about your marriage. How much does your husband know of another man in your life?

Ladies listen and learn. As soon as your MM begins his (unprofessional) attention getting romantic style is when you turn him OFF.

What do you do at work? Pick up where you left off ignoring the wolves who are apparently waiting their turn. Certainly speak with your boss. See if you can be transferred to another department.

How do you revive your shattered marriage?
When you fell in love and then realized it was not what you hoped it was the beginning of the end of any marriage.

Women who focus their time and mental, emotional energy on a MM rather than hubby; there will be consequences. A shattered marriage can be repaired.

Begin from basics. Your wedding day. Look over your wedding album together.
Read your vows and realize where (ouch) one can go wrong so easily.
All the while this MM was pursuing you it is human nature to lap it up.
OR you would have told him – - KNOCK IT OFF!!!

Do hang in and realize life happens doesn’t it. Sometimes we learn a valuable lesson and hopefully it is not too late. Consider marriage counseling.

Blessing to you,
Claire
written by guess who knows, 08 July, 2009
to european girl:
well it seems you made the right choices finally,which is something you should have thought of before you started seeing this other man, I am a young man myself and cheating and lying just disgusts me,
You ask advice on how to revive your marriage,Don’t you think it,s kind of late for you to do that now,What about your husbands heart and feelings on what you have done? What about you mm, and he has a wife, what you both have done is horrible,and you now want to stay with your husband after realizing you’ve been used and been a fool,
As I said i,m a young man, But i,m aware of my fathers cheating and lying to mother and i think about how he raised me to be a man do this do that and yet he became someone I am now ashamed of,because he hurt and lied to a wonderful woman,who didn,t deserve the horrible nasty things him and his playmate did to her,And yet he can’t even be a man and own up to his dirty crap,and she hides like a snake in the grass,I feel if you did wrong, did dirt have the guts to own up to it,Hell he doesn,t even have the balls to admit what he has done that is so clear,cheating does,t pay ever,you hurt everyone involved,My lady will be my queen,,,,
because she deserves so,if she ever cheats on me it would be goodbye,trust can never be given back to someone who crushes your heart and your spirit,And if i ever cheated I would walk out of the relationship period before destroying someone the way cheating destroys,I hope that you have learned from this and hope that your husband will forgive you and forget,You must devote your love to him, think of what brought you together in the first place and what caused you to stray,i wish you luck, but never belittle yourself that way when you have already been blessed with love,i wish you luck,
written by CClaire, 13 July, 2009

Hi shenaynay, 20 June, 2007

Sometimes, people do leave their husbands/wives for other people once they realize happiness is far better than misery/attachment. I have known people who have had extra marital affairs and made the hard choice to leave the "security" of the "family". Once the kids are grown, it’s a whole new ball game..

Once the kids are grown ...... trust me. It is NOT a whole new ball game.
So many women hope and pray this is the scenario but it never happens.

THEY NEVER LEAVE.
It is a hopeless situation when we are so in love we overlook so many lies.
So much. Hope things work out for you.

Claire

written by my heart is torn out, 14 July, 2009
I have been involved with married(he told me he was separated) man for two years of my life. This one is complicated because not only did his first wife die but he is in the Army. I hold high regard for our armed services and it was easy for me to trust him. I waited a year for him when he was in Iraq. He came straight to me when he got off the plane. He stayed with me for awhile. I believed this was it. Well he disappeared and he wont explain to me why. I feel i screwed it up and my heart is broken in a million pieces. it has been 3 weeks and i cant shack it. I thought he was really leaving her this time. I believe he does love me because he came to me first.Right away. I feel i pushed him away or something. I want to talk to him so badly but he wont take my calls.
written by jersey girl 1208, 14 July, 2009
been with my bf for 6 years and he wanted kids i didnt because i was in college when i found out he had gotten another girl pregnant i stayed by his side. its been 3 years now and he lives with baby momma and i recently got an apt for him and i. he tells me he is leaving her and is just getting financially prepared but Saturday she showed up at my house with a bat and he went to talk to her and i didnt speak to him until yesterday. she was with him and he wants to talk all 3 of us. i dont want to go if hes not leaving her but he hasnt contacted me since. i love him deeply dont want to be without him what can i do though now??
written by Wife of a cheating husdand, 16 July, 2009
I too came across this blog and needed to air my frustration. My husband cheated on me with his co-worker. He was her supervisor at the time. They met in 2001 and have been seeing each other since. This co-worker gave me baby shower gifts when my husband was going Oversees-military. I knew something was wrong when she was promoted over him and he began to cry and state, "what will I do without her."

I asked what was going on and he advised me that they were friends only. She was someone that he talked about our marriage problems to. I didn’t know that we had marriage problems until he told me this. He advised me that we were not having enough sex.

I found out that he have been sleeping with her. He stated they began emailing each other while he was on military duty overseas. He went on to say that she said," she missed him and wanted him". She flew where he was( I was at home raising one child and pregnant with another child). He said they began sleeping with each other. She made more visit. They were intimate on several occasions. They began using business trips to sleep with one another. I not sure what promises he made to her, but I can suspect that he promised to leave me and the kids-now three. We had another child last year 2009. I cried when I found out I was pregnant, but realized the baby would be one more person to love me. He probably told her we had sex once.

I have found my husband to be a great liar who make promises beyond belief. His promise to me was that he wanted to work on the marriage after I threaten to leave. I am so over this marriage, I can’t believe I bought into his lies, but I did. I feel no better than a single woman seeing a married man. I am left home raising three kids on my own. He comes home at 10:00 pm at night because he says he is overworked. I feel stuck in a daytime soap. I do not work, but I am looking.

His new promise is now a bigger house. I cook, clean, make sure all bills are paid on time, take care of the kids and him. A bigger house means more work and that I want more of lies! I sometimes wonder, what I ever did to deserve this?
written by love stupid, 17 July, 2009
I too have been in an affair for almost a year. He has promised me the world and has given me words. He has said all of the things that the others have said, "I will leave her," "It’s the kids," "You are my everything." I feel so dumb most of the time. I left my husband too and now I am alone. I chose to be strong, left him and I am trying to pick-up the million pieces my soul and heart have been broken into. I feel better reading this, knowing I am not alone in my broken world. Stay strong ladies!
written by Christy2703, 26 July, 2009
I have been involved with a married man for 5 years now. He and I dated in high school and college and then we broke up and six months later he married his wife. three weeks after the wedding we started fooling around mostly because i wanted revenge but honestly because i was still in love with him. I promised myself I was only going to be involved with him just to prove that he wanted me and made mistake...ALL THE WRONG REASONS..and now I feel trapped. On one hand I love him more than I can imagine..the truth is he is my best friend. On the other hand I am beginning to resent him because I feel that if you love someone you dont want to hurt them and I am hurting.

The First Year it was all about a mistake and how he wanted to make the marriage work ..and I was still the supportive friend. The Second Year she got pregnant with twins. The Third Year it was about not leaving her with the young kids. The Fourth Year it was about how he didnt want to abandon the home and if he couldn’t trust I was not the same girl from college. The Fifth Year here we are arguing about it every other day because I am tired. I have given Ultimatums and I have even left him alone ..more than once and one of us ends up back here. In my heart I dont believe things will change but I dont have the strength to leave. The truth is that this situation is crappy because you are afraid to be alone but the reality is you are alone. Alone waiting until the next time you will meet or make plans or be intimate. And you let your mind fool you into thinking that all those single moments will add up to Happiness and he will be forced to chose. Its all a lie. I just hope that the strength I had to right this truth will fester into the strength I need to get control of my life because right now my heart is in his hands and ITS BROKEN...what’s the use in that. Who has advice for thatsmilies/wink.gif
written by stenogirl, 28 July, 2009
And by the way, ultimatums don’t work. You have to just do it. Actions speak way louder than words, as he has proven to you or you would not be on this site seeking advice. You have to just do it. Don’t worry about him getting pissed and blowing you off. I promise you; he won’t. But do you really want him stalking you? I don’t. I like my privacy.
written by lalee1965, 29 July, 2009
i am so glad that i happened onto this site; i have seen so many stories that are similar to mine, and it is so good to be able to get some of my feeling out there.

i am a 44 year old single mom, with 9 children, (yes,9) all of which i have cared for all of their lives, primarily alone, since their dads have been missing in action for most of their lives.

i met my MM in a most unusual way; the father of my 3 youngest children, met him while walking up the street, and the MM picked him up. they became fast friends, and soon MM’s wife and i became friends through them.
we worked well together as couples for a while, then my bf and started having problems. he was in and out of jail a lot, and ran the streets, did drugs, etc. he wasn’t at all into raising our family with me, so i recently broke it off with them permanently.

in the meantime, i remained friends with the couple, both the husband and the wife. we were all close, had dinner together, etc. that lasted for a couple of years, reasonably well, i thought. i had no idea that the husband even found me attractive until early this year...
he tells me that he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship, and i am his best friend, but he has been in love with me, and has fantasized about me for years. it threw me for a loop; i really didn’t know. then he kissed me on the lips and i was left in shock.
i didn’t think anymore of it for a while, then i noticed that he is calling me and coming by more, for longer periods of time. telling me that i am so beautiful, elegant and gorgeous. how miserable he is with his wife, and wants me so much. i start to get interested; after all, i’m not attached to anyone, and he loves my kids, this attention is great...
he and his wife are fighting all the time, so i am seeing him quite a bit. one week, i saw him twice, and on the second time, after he drops me off at home, and has told me he loves me, and i respond the same, his wife comes over my house, and tears my head off, telling me that it was inappropriate for me to be seeing him, and to never call her house again. then she screeched off, went home and let him have both barrels, giving him the ultimatum: never talk to or see me again.
now, we had not done anything at the time, not even hold hands, and do you think that he stopped seeing me? no, if anything, i see and hear from him more than ever. we have been on dates, drove around together, kissed and even got into heavy petting, but we haven’t slept together. i am stuck, just like a lot of you. i really love him, and i know he loves me. he just doesn’t have the B**** to do what he says he will.
we are both christians, and his wife has called me a hypocrite, among other things. she has called all over town, telling anyone who will listen about us. in the meanwhile, he is going to counseling with her,all the while telling me how much he want to be with me.
last week, i told him that when he was free to call me up, i might be available, but i am not making you any promises. i cried all day over it, and basically came to grips that the decision is up to him, my life is on pins and needles because he can’t choose. that’s crazy.
he even told me that he told her everything about us, and she told him to promise not to see or talk to me again. i think he may have told her okay. that hurts so bad, but he still wants to see me.
i’m like a lot of others on this site; i love him, but i know i have to love myself more. the pain and energy that you deal with is not worth the idle promises that they make to you. we even started talking about marriage, and running our businesses together. i was in DEEP!!!
anyway, that’s my story so far. it might change, but i am so glad to be able to share with all of you.
love and hugs,
lisa
written by Cclaire, 06 August, 2009
To: My heart is torn out,

There is so much pain and so much trust.

"I believe he does love me because he came to me first.Right away."

Dear, you have no proof he went to you first. You want to believe him as we have all experienced this horrid moment of reality.

This is most common for women. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. We feel less than; therefore it must be my fault.

It will take time but you shall get over him and find a man worthy of your love and devotion. Hang in and know many are here concerned just as you are and going through the same torture.

It is horrid when we discover the love of our life is really not devoted.
We are here for you.

Blessings your way,
Claire
written by From wives point of view, 07 August, 2009
Look at it this way sweetie, he will say anything to you to keep have his cake and eat it too. My husband of 20 years had an affair about a year ago, I did talk to his lover she told me the same thing he does not love me he loves her, he is so unhappy with me and she makes him so happy. Here is the kicker I had no clue he was so unhappy, matter a fact to the day I found out he confessed his love to me and told me how much he loved me and was in love with me. I told her then why dosen’t he tell you that in front of me. I told her wont you meet me at the gym and we can confront him together she did take me up on the offer, guess what she seen the real side of him which he hid from her. He never told her that he loved her nor that he wanted to be with her and never mentioned the divorce, he told her she was just a mistake he made. I asked him right in front of her if he wanted to be with her, and he replied no.
written by CClaire, 08 August, 2009
Dear Christy 2703,

But you began your affair to hurt him. You knew the hold you had on him.
Well we all think we do.

Five years have gone past and the addiction you have for each other still remains.
If I had to say he’s in love with his wife and now has a family Yes he is.

"Its all a lie. I just hope that the strength I had to right this truth will fester into the strength I need to get control of my life because right now my heart is in his hands and ITS BROKEN...what’s the use in that. Who has advice for that?"

Dear girl, you began this with a sense of anger. Then you aptly shared each year and it does not add up to much for you does it.

It is quite simple yet complicated at the same time. Your heart is broken by your own doing and how damaging is that. You are determined to have him but realize he truly loves his wife and family.

Of course many men will have a fling on the side if you offer it to them; but, they won’t ever leave their family.

One post was how a woman remained with a man for 22 years.
THEY NEVER LEAVE.

In actuality you don’t have your heart in in his hands. He is not interested in your lies dear girl. How does one make it better? If I had that formula I’d be the richest woman on the planet.

Okay, let’s talk about you now and not five years ago.
Right now your life feels horrible and you feel powerless.
I would say you are probably the most cunning, powerful woman I have read.

It HURTS. It is going to hurt, until you wake one morning and realize he is not going to affect you ever again.

Getting from point A to point C is walking through much hurt.
Life happens, dear and it does hurt.

You have options and can walk away and never ever call him, email him, see him or have any contact with this man you knew so long ago.

He’s a daddy now. There is nothing more appealing than a fatherly protective sense of caring for his children.

Get out while you can.
Do seek therapy. I had to as many here also shared.
Group therapy would be valuable to you.

Blessings your way,
Claire
written by So sad on the ranch, 09 August, 2009
I met my MM about 2 years ago. His wife had cheated on him in a very public way about 5 years ago. He and I never discussed her much. I think it was very humiliating to him and he never wanted to discuss it. I assume he forgave her and moved on.
My husband has also cheated on me several times over the years. I believe he did this because he never felt he has lived up to his potential and wanted much approval from the opposite sex. This went on the first several years of our marriage. It was very hurtful. I believe he finally settled into being married and was faithful for about the last 10 years. He focused then on getting as rich as possible. He spent so much time working that he neglected me and our son. He was very devoted to our daughter though. He did not show up for family vacations and I had to constantly ask him to come home at night. When he did come home he would go to the back room and lock himself away. He drinks heavily but is never abusive in any way. He suffers from a low self esteem and depression.
He hadn’t touched me in years when my MM came along. I thought I was immune to the advances of other men but I guess he caught me at a very vaunerable time in my life. I was lonely and starved for affection. My husband doesn’t even accidentally bump into me. I blew off MM’s advances at first but then gave in. I fell head over heels in live with him. Like everyone else I believed he was my soul mate. Our relationship lasted 2 years. It was not just sexual. I know he did really care about me but I also know he still loved his wife as well. He did not tell me that, I just know. He was pretty honest about the situation. He never promised to leave his wife. He said he was not happy at home but never said he would leave. we had very limited physical contact over the last 2 years. We only saw each other about every 3 months. We mostly e-mailed and txted each other. Sometimes he would come to a place I was just to sit and watch me.

Even though both of our spouses cheated on us it did not make me feel good about the whole situation. He was not in it for revenge either.

After reading the previous posts I knew I had to move on with my life. I knew there would not be a fairy tale ending for us and i was not going to settle for 1/2 of a relationship. I ended the affair about a week and a half ago. It has been very hard but this site has helped me stick to my guns. He hasn’t contacted me and I have not contacted him even though I desperately want to.

Not sure what I’ll do about my marriage. I don’t see me ever being able to find the happy times at home again. I have 2 great children and everything I need. I guess love and affection are just a luxury for the lucky.
written by Beck, 15 August, 2009
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED....

I am in Love with a MM and I KNOW he is in Love with me. Best Friends for years and in the last year and a half a lot more. In the last six months it has been back and forth and lots of decision points.
He finally left her...less than 2 weeks later he was an emotional wreck and the guilt was killing him.
So I let him go....told him to go home and make it work (she does not know about us)
I have FINALLY realized that my only shot at this working is if his marriage ends on its own, (it should have years ago AND way before I was in the picture)
I hope that they go to marriage counseling, I hope he faces his marriage.
I realize he COULD make it work with her and that I will never be with the man I love...but this was the only way.
He has to know in his heart what he wants and act on that, this is up to him and him alone.
BTW – He has since approached me several times wanting to discuss, I have stopped it, If he wants me he will have to show me divorce papers.

I do Love him and the pain is horrible but I know this is the right thing and this should not have started until he was done.
written by guess who knows, 16 August, 2009
smilies/sad.gif Dear Claire,
I don,t know if you remember me, I’ve written to you for advice to help my mom, regarding my lying cheating father,Well things have really gotten ugly, I’ve helped my mom do a lot of tracking and things and she now has all of her proof and eggs in a basket, should she choose to finally dump his lying butt.
He seems to still sit around being smug and arrogant as usual pretending that he is the innocent victim of accusations, and tried to manipulate my mother in a way as to make her feel guilty for catching him in all of his lies,Why would someone stoop so low? When she(mother) repeatedly asks him if he would like out of the marriage he is very adamant about him never ever leaving,and wanting them together forever.There are several woman he has been involved with and it seems he has told so many horrible lies about my mother that it is unbelievable!!!
What would make a man want to keep these type of games and lies going on when he knows he is destroying the very person who truly loves him,Mom is at a point where she feels she should now walk away and let him live in his shame,I don,t know what to tell her when she asks what i think,
But i do know that I see such hurt pain and anguish in her eyes that it crushes me,And whether this is my father or not I really am tempted to just attack him like a mad dog, and tell him to take his shit and move along,get out of my mothers live so she may have some peace.He has been caught in every stupid little thing he has done and the bullshit excuses he gives to mother is as though she is some sort of idiot!!smilies/angry.gif she knows they are lies,he’s tries to say she is imagining things,etc, and he is standing his ground firm on his lies being truth,Mother is doing better than she was previously with all of this but i,m not sure what more i can do to help her,He is still insisting that he doesn’t want to be without her,his life cannot go on without her,she is his world,But yet he is stringing along several woman and having much sex with them.
we’ve found mirrors,and all sorts of things in his car, the mileage he puts on the car is crazy,since the job is only 5 min away from home,during all of the breaks at work it appears from the trackers we have that he and his women are driving to deserted dirt patches doing whatever they are doing, whether it be morning when he arrives at work or during the day during work hours,It’s amazeing the crap that is going on,and i ask myself "this is my father? " "this is the person whom i looked up to who raised me to be a man?"
I just don,t know what to do anymore to help her,when she asks my advice and says should she walk away and leave him i can only reply,"mom it’s your call but do know i am here for you"
I see this wonderful woman who was always so incredibly strong being torn down piece by every lying piece,A woman who always held her head high was good to everyone she ever met becoming mean cold and heartless now,as though she has no feelings left inside her,I don,t know how to help her,,smilies/sad.gif
Not only can i see her pain I feel it, the look in her eyes is so distant,so cold,she no longer trusts anyone,
Dad did take himself to therapy but it seems all he does there is lie,he asksed the therapist how he can regain mothers trust again but yet will not be honest even with his therapist about his adulterous behaviors,
he denies doing anything wrong,
He is still making all these plans with her for their future and tells mom he is never ever going to be without her,I worry that if she did try to leave he may hurt her,,,,smilies/sad.gif
this is a hard place to be, but it’s clear this man wants both worlds and will give my mother hell on end if she tried to walk out the door,What can I do as a son to help her??
i,m getting so angry I have thought horrible things about my father to end my mother pain,,and these women,why do they continue to sneak about lie hide and do these things knowing he is here everyday with mother,what makes them hold on,and protect him from being discovered,how can we get them to disclose the affairs the lies the mess he has created.
And why do these other women think this is a game and it,s alright to behave this way with this married man?
any words of advice for a son in pain for his mothers heart??? ANYONE CAN YOU HELP
written by brokenwife, 19 August, 2009
To sad at the ranch:
Don’t you think that you did the best thing for all involved,If the mm you were seeing was so unhappy then he would have left his situation,But alot women seem to fall for that as an excuse to be with another womans husband,you say his wife cheated on him years ago,Then that was between them not you,You still were wrong in the choice that you made to follow through with seeing the womans husband,and so was he,Past mistakes made between families should not be held against someone or as an excuse for ones own actions,You were still wrong he has a wife,Decideing to leave the situation was best choice and many other women should do the same,If that man is free and single then you would be guilt free by seeing him,betrayal is wrong period,move on with your life and let them work on their lives,He apparently has no intentions you say of leaving his wife so why would you want to see someone elses husband? You have a daughter,is that teaching her good morals of any kind?
And just who gave you proof of this affair 5 years ago,We as women need to be more careful when we make choices to see married men,Everything is not always fact that you are given,But you will find your happiness,I,m sure, but you made a correct choice in ending what you were doing,it’s morally wrong !! regardless to how much time you did or didn’t spend with mm,He still has a wife,they made the choice to be together,If you needed comfort seek it within your own marriage,This was a wrong judgment on your part?
Can I ask? Do you know this mans wife?
How did you do such a heartless thing? How do you know he is or was even telling you the truth about being unhappy? Has he told his wife that? All of these things you should consider,not being selfish because someone made an advance at you,It was wrong,Don’t you think his wife knew something was going on?
We as women tend to put ourselves in situations that hurt us and others,and we know right from wrong,he had a wife you should have walked away in the beginning,hold your choice,don,t hurt another person being selfish,because you are hurting,
written by brokenwife, 20 August, 2009
smilies/wink.gifsmilies/angry.gif To sad at the ranch,
Hi there,I,m sorry your sad at the ranch,But it is time for you to find your own life, whatever it may be, And stay out of mine,I,m glad you enjoyed the time you had,I was very aware,But I was also very aware of my love for my husband and his love for me,Sometime things happen for a reason,And as for you some future things may await you because of mistakes that you made,We are going on with our lives,WE love each other very much,You were a shoulder to lean on accept that,And at a time in our lives when there was a problem you were there,But it’s time for you to let go and move on,because you will not be a part of our lives any longer.As stated in some of the other posts by other wifes,men run to others when things in their lives seem to be going wrong,Our love for one another never changed or stopped,In fact it very well is stronger now than ever before,thank you, That is what we needed apparently,I wish you luck in your marriage or maybe you need to seek another way to solve your unhappiness.
But for future ,don,t interfere in another persons marriage,it’s wrong regardless of past or present issues,marriages have issues,and one person should love the other enough to be able to talk openly about what is or isn’t bothering them,if you are silent how is one to know something is bothering you,and if you say to a person you are happy then that is all they know,Having a solid foundation and strong love for one another makes a big difference,You had his body yes,But I always will have his heart and his undying love,
I,m sorry for you, for your marriage,maybe something there is for you,locked deep inside your husband,and you will find that also one day.
But forget mine,We will no longer be living double lives we will live together.and in love as we planned in the first place,and everything is not always what you hear for future reference.i wish you luck,i,m not angry with you, i thank you for bringing my man back home to me stronger and better than ever.smilies/wink.gif
written by brokenwife, 21 August, 2009
smilies/angry.gifTo sad at the ranch:
There were a few things I forgot to mention to you,When I said I,m not angry with you,WRONG, I,m angry that you felt it was all right for you to sneak behind my back and run around with my husband,And you should be angry with yourself for your lack of disrespect,dignity and self control,All it actually boils down to is you saw something that you wanted,And you figured you would go for it,You should be ashamed of yourself each time you look at yourself in the mirror,And keep praying your husband doesn’t find out,I,m sure you know that I have ways of doing that,And then there is also the law and moral ethics in the state we live in,Which i am considering this very moment,But As I said I,m glad you brought my husband into the reality of his marriage and the tales he told ,Because he had his own underlying issues,You are a coward do know that.
if you were a real woman you would face me,and apologize for your actions,everything that you did was the actions of a child,and a woman who had no self respect for herself,I am a very caring loving person.And working where you all worked, You are supposed to be of intelligence but your not,But do stay away from him,and don’t contact him.And i wanted to let you know ,yes he cared about you,he cared whether you screwed up and I found out,
And he cared if you cut him off the sex,
But he didn’t care about you in any other way,you were a dumping sight,in his time of lowliness,And thats all that you were.And the affair you had with my husband is something you will be held liable for.and as a note to you.
you are a fool in many ways, there was no affair 5 years ago, don,t you know men have to devise something for and excuse to get fools like you to give it up.
And they can try to clear their conscience, just as your making excuses, but actually there is no excuse,We know why you really did it.You thought you were above me.
written by Cclaire, 21 August, 2009
Dear Guess Who Knows,

Yes, I do recall you and your mother’s difficult situation.
There is hope. She has options.
The problem is right now she is feeling so powerless by your dad and is not in a state of mind to make choices.

Does she have somewhere to live outside your father’s house?
Can she afford to hire an attorney?
Each state has differing laws on separation; especially if she (even the injured party) leaves.

She must seek therapy. Not with her husband where he will continue to diminish her and intimidate your mother.

Why does he do these things? There are many men who take pleasure in making his wife suffer for his own sick sport. Mental illness is a sad but ongoing situation in many families.

Why won’t he leave? Just google "why won’t my husband leave me?"
There is much information about that alone from $$$ to it’s just too comfortable for him and he prefers to remain home, be fed and cared for as most husband enjoy.

That being a husband who will also cook and help with the cleaning.
The majority of husbands are kind and giving and will help out and not ridicule or cheat on their wives.

YOU are an amazingly kind and wonderful son to be caring as you are and BTW don’t ever feel you are saying anything against your father when he has proven himself to be less than.

It is difficult to watch your mom be tormented day after day.
As I mentioned she has options.
One day she will have the self esteem to realize I cannot do this anymore and make a way for herself. It takes time and does not happen right away.

Just keep in mind to seek a good lawyer and find solutions where she’s not alone.
May I suggest group therapy for emotionally battered wives.
Call the local hospital. Many do hold several group therapy for a group of issues.

Blessings you way and hoping you can relax in the knowledge there are answers.
Take care.

Claire
written by Cclaire, 21 August, 2009
Hello Beck,

I hear much pain and so much sadness from someone who deserves to be loved.
Dear girl, you are so sharp and have your head on straight even though your heart is and will be breaking for a while.

Good for you. What you have learned is how to feel and realize this cannot continue even though you would like to see his divorce papers.
I believe part of him still loves you deeply and the other part of him has feelings for his wife.

It’s a non win situation when we flirt with a MM isn’t it.
Do take care and hang in You will discover one day you will feel free of the burden you carry inside.

Blessings to you,
Claire
written by brokenwife, 21 August, 2009
To sad at the ranch:
Hello Sad I had a few questions after reading your post,As I am a wife who was cheated on by her husband,But my husband and I are together and in the most wonderful relationship now that we have ever had.You say this mans wife cheated on him five years ago? (is that correct?) Anyhow And you were unhappy at home in your own marriage,Now because you were told these things by this MM This gave you the right to begin an affair with him?
Do you lack morals common sense or dignity?
How did you feel inside when your husband was cheating on you? But yet you felt is was alright for you to Go ahead and start seeing this married man because he said he was unhappy?smilies/angry.gif
This is just amazing it really is,I wonder being a woman myself who was cheated on, What in God’s name do you have for a brain,Just what were you thinking?
How could someone who knows the agony of being cheated on stoop to any level to inflict it on another?
Have you had a hard time sleeping at night,walking with your head up,I just don’t understand you and your post,
How you could begin an affair with someone that you know has a wife,So he said his wife had an affair,First of all,Were you there? Did you see this, you said very public,Or are you going solely on words you were told,And so therefore this was you excuse that it was alright to date him and betray his wife?
There is something wrong here sounds to me that you maybe know this woman and you just wanted her husband,Because any real woman who has felt the pain of being cheated on would never consider doing it to another human being,
It’s a horrible pain one that rips a persons soul into pieces,And yet you turned around and did it to someone.Did you feel your actions were excusable because you were told she had an affair in their past?
I,m sorry i’m really trying to understand your thinking behind your actions,
smilies/cry.gif
Have you read your post,do you see what you have made yourself look like,
written by Cclaire, 23 August, 2009
To: Happy in love forever.

If you are truly this happy why continue to harp and ridicule someone you probably don’t know?

Your posts are confusing and damaging.
Claire
written by Love yourself first, 23 August, 2009
To all the "other women," and the wives/husbands being cheated YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!! GOD did not make you to be someone’s lackey. Find yourselves first. I’ve been through almost everything that has been written by all of you and I got up and left my MM. I am going to be trying out eharmony or match.com. At least the people on there are SINGLE!
written by Cclaire, 25 August, 2009
To: Happy In Love Forever.

The use of dashes between your title is unnecessary.

Let’s talk about the use of the apostrophe.
The word don’t or I’m uses an apostrophe not a comma.

Grammatical theory would take too long.

Punctuation applied by understanding, with intelligence, the use of the comma is NOT AT THE END OF A SENTENCE.

That is called a period.
Next line begins a new grouping of words which forms a paragraph.

There are run-on-sentences, prepositional phrases and it would take forever to make you understand the hacking away at diction and wrong syntax is just as offensive as your post to Sad On The Ranch.

As a proofreader now editor these things jump out at me and do google them so you’ll have a better understanding of how to pepper your paragraphs without making one cringe.

Do have a lovely day,
Claire

written by Cclaire, 25 August, 2009
To: Just Another Wife.

Really? After reading your post I was positive it was Happy In Love Forever.
English patterns are a dead give away aren’t they!

We all have an option of sharing our words.
To come as someone else is shoddy.

Claire

written by Cclaire, 26 August, 2009
To: Love Yourself First,

Such a wise person to realize this with such conviction.
THANK YOU for displaying your own sense of worth.

I often wonder how many married people who want to find that special person adds their name to an ever going list of SINGLES as a single.

Do your own search. It will cost you $$$ to find out if this person is married or single and save you much heartache in the process.

Blessing your way,
Claire
written by So sad on the ranch, 26 August, 2009
To: Claire,

I am not sure of your role in this blog area but I would like to say it is very welcome. I see you have provided much support and positive advise to many people like myself who haven’t always made the best choices.

p.s. please don’t pick on my grammar. English was not my forte’ in school. lol

To: Guess who knows,

I know you are upset with the choice I made and I understand better than you know. I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering because of one of your parents choices. We as adults make mistakes and sometimes we realize that a little too late. You should not have been put in the middle of your parents problems. You are a caring loving son to want to protect your mother in that way.
I went through a similar situation when I was 15. I overheard a conversation between my dad and another woman. I was devastated as you are now. I told my mom; (maybe not the best of choices) she took off and left all of us briefly. I then saddled my horse and took off myself. (Couldn’t drive yet lol). Things all ended well but it was a very sad time in my life.

I hope this situation is a temporary blip in your life. Time has a way of putting all things into perspective, so hold on.

To: ALL WOMEN,

Get as much education as possible so you have choices in life should you end up in a situation that warrants a quick escape. Education is the key to choices, independence and freedom if you ever so desire.

To: happy in love or hurt by lies or whomever:

I am sorry your are in pain but I assure you that you do not know me or the MM I was seeing.

adios all
written by brokenwife, 27 August, 2009
Nope that’s all I am is just another wife, just as those are just the OW. So thank you.
written by Cclaire, 28 August, 2009
To Sad On The Ranch,

That was unkind of me to ridicule someone’s English.
See, it’s all about attitude and I would NEVER in a million years do that to you or most.

BTW, my grammar is not all that swift. That is why I also have an editor.
He sees my errors.

Dear girl relax in the knowledge this is basically a friendly place.
My role is that of one I admire from a woman named Sylvia.

It is her wisdom I am sharing; her sense of fair play.
Thanks so much.

Claire
written by brokenwife, 29 August, 2009
Hi thanks for your note,
I’ll help her as best I can,But I’m not sure that I wrote to you? I have mostly written to Claire asking her for advice.
Good Luck to you all

P.S to Claire:
Mom left,,,smilies/cry.gif
written by Cclaire, 30 August, 2009
Dear Sad On The Ranch,

Somehow my post never made it and shall now compliment you on your difficult choice to let go of your MM.

Some husbands don’t get it. How horrible to live with a man and be ignored.
What is even worse to know your daughter find’s favor in your husband’s eyes.
This must be not only hurtful for you but also your son who needs dad’s affirmation.

I read your post a second time and dear girl, you were aching for not only affection but someone to love you. For the life of me I do not know why others seem to have a problem with your needs.

MOST of the posts are from women who were or are in your same situation.

Being you no longer have any communication with one each other, is extremely difficult and you need all the support -- not put downs.

To all women. If he is not/did not use protective sex do have an HIV blood test.

First off if he’s cheating on his wife understand you have not been the first, unless he’s a very private person who has never done this before.

Yes, MM do tell us how horrid their wives are don’t they.
If he said, "She’s the most wonderful woman in the world and I cannot live without her," one would know this guy is a class A jerk.

Yet, that is the case. Many men cannot live without mommy.
It is something I discovered when speaking with some women in my neighborhood. Women who sensed their husbands were cheating yet never caught him red handed.

You have been through hell and back again.
My best to you and hang in knowing you are doing the right thing.

Some marriages are injured to the point there is no love only hatred for the man who sleeps beside you or in the next room.

Have you considered marriage counseling?
Somehow I sense he would not want be that honest.
But, you need therapy just as I did.

Dear, you are vulnerable and hurting. Take care and be happy.
Blessings your way,
Claire

written by Cclaire, 30 August, 2009
Dear Guess Who Knows,

"P.S to Claire:
Mom left,,,"

How are you feeling about her actions?
Is she in a safe place where your dad is unable to ridicule her?

Do know she has so many options and choices.
Somehow women (not all but some) are made to feel AND BUY INTO the fact they are to blame.

I wish her well and only hope she is seeking help from a therapist who can help her through this difficult time.

Blessings your way and take care.
Claire
written by So sad on the ranch, 31 August, 2009
Dear Claire

Thanks so much for your blessings and words of comfort. It really helps me as well as everyone else you have sent your kind wisdom out to. I have read many posts from you and others in this column and it keeps me headed in the right direction.

He has phoned and texted me several times since i ended the relationship but I stuck to my guns Friday when he asked me to meet him.

I know this relationship if futile but it is hard b/c i still care for him. He is not a bad buy. I know everyone thinks he lied about the affair his wife had; but, I am pretty sure it did happen. I did not hear about the affair from him. I learned several years before I became involved with him. I learned of the affair from a colleague of his and mutual friend. This mutual friend did not say this to hurt him or spread rumors. This friend was very upset with the wife for her actions and humiliating my MM. It was all over town.
He is very well respected and liked member of my community. He never made any promises or spoke ill of his wife. We just never spoke or our spouses good or bad.

The MM is a very prominent leader of my community. When I asked the MM about this rumor he denied part of what I heard and I left it at that. I later asked again about the other part of the rumor and only then did he confirm what I had heard with a heavy heart. I think he was embarrassed. No man wants to be a cuckold. I think knowing his wife had hurt him lessened the guilt I felt.

We always think of the men as being predators but that is not always the case. I know there are trolls out there but I do not see him in that light. No matter how much I think of him I still see no fairy tale ending.

Things are getting better now that I have my life headed down the right trail. Still hurts some but I know what I have to do.

p.s. Thanks for putting the woman that attacked me in her place. I have never seen anyone more eloquently slain with ink. lol. It was well deserved.

I keep reading the posts in this column to keep me from going back. It really helps.

happy trails all
written by Cclaire, 01 September, 2009
Dear, So Sad on the Trail,

You are most kind. The woman to thank would be a delightful person named Dr. Sylvia B my psychiatrist. She provided me with hope and the realization there is a life beyond our MM.

There seems to be a need for us to b e attracted to a MM. Why this is I’m not sure.

I am sure of one thing. YOU have your head on right and know enough to love yourself before a MM who can offer you little for a lifetime.

Did his wife have an affair? Is it truly relative?
No, I don’t believe it is in the long term of keeping your eyes focused on finding a man who is single and not attached.

How easy it is to say don’t fall in love when it feels so delicious.
I do understand and know how each and every person feels when that special person comes along; even under negative situations.

You will be fine even though it hurts.
fondly,
Claire

written by Beck, 04 September, 2009
I am on here again!!
I am completely heart broken and part of me still believes that this might work out. I am trying my best to face reality but I am having a very hard time.
I really feel like I do not have closure to this.
I know I did the right thing by letting him go and I do not plan on going back on that decision I just want it to work. I know he loves me!!! How can someone make a marriage work if they are in love with someone else?

BTW – Thank you Claire for you note
I don’t know how to get past this.
written by Cclaire, 05 September, 2009
Dear Beck,

Your MM is an addiction, dear.

Let’s talk about how you can find peace through so much pain.
You cannot sleep, your work is suffering. Your entire world is upside down.

This is when you take time for yourself.
May I suggest therapy at this point. Sometimes group therapy is very healing.
I want to help you get from point A to point C without too much pain.

But, the raw fact is it shall hurt for a while.
All you can think of is your MM and your moments together; how much you love him and how much he needs to move on and mend his marriage.

Realize you are a worthy person and concentrate on being with good friends and family. Surround yourself with those you care and love you.

"I don’t know how to get past this."

I know how much this hurts and wish you could feel angry and eventually that shall come. There are different stages to healing and one is walking through the pain and coming out on the other side stronger and wiser.

Hon, the secret to all this is placing yourself in a time zone of say two years from now. Picture yourself with someone new and unattached. Someone who is worthy of you.

When we date and fall in love with someone’s husband the triangle is a no win situation in all cases. We don’t make a point of making our lives miserable.

My blessings to you for staying strong.
Fondly,
Claire

written by brokenwife, 08 September, 2009
To sad at the ranch, I have never written to you at all.My sole communications have been with claire and i’ve gotten advice from some others.
I have written to seek advice on helping my mother.
Whom now I’ve lost.
Ladies I did get one reply from her which said.
"he’s Killed me "
her biggest fear was of aids and him having unprotected sex.
What do I do know? This is all I can think she is talking about,And God knows I hope this isn’t true.
She still has not returned,Just one quick call from blocked number.
So to all you ladies here seeing mm or men seeing ow,
Be safe use protection,stop the cheating,the pain hurts more than just one person and in so many ways.
best to all
written by Cclaire, 08 September, 2009
To Guess who Knows,

What a horrible time for your mom and yourself.
In that I am not a physician I can only suggest, but here is a site which can prove to offer hope.

There is treatment; depending on the severity of her situation.

http://health.yahoo.com/hiv-treatment/human-immunodeficiency-virus-hiv-infection-treatment-overview/healthwise--hw151455.html

Is there any way you can seek therapy through this horror?
Hang in for her.

My blessings to you in this horrific time.
Claire
written by brokenwife, 09 September, 2009
Dear Claire,
this is just for you,private please,
Mom was already ill,suffering for years with systemic Lupus,There is already no immune system there to fight this,smilies/cry.gif She doesn’t stand a chance to fight this.
How can the world be so cruel and people hurt and destroy others as if things don’t matter at all?
All this cheating bragging and boasting,Such evilness !!
When two people marry it is for life,for better or worse.Or you get out,How can people just destroy one another with no heart no guilt, no morals ???
All I can do is pray now,thank you for your words of wisdom and trying to help me.God I hate him now I truly do !!! I hope that God can forgive me for hating him and those like him.smilies/cry.gif smilies/angry.gif
written by hurtingSomuch, 09 September, 2009
Me and my MM were together for 10ths on and off. He ended it for good this time and i cant.cant. cant stop crying...I miss him so much i dont know what to do. The pain of missing him is unbearable. He said he cant have two relationships anymore and he cant leave his wife, he wants to, but is not ready to turn his life upside down. He keeps saying, what if i leave and we dont work out... he knows how much i love him ... when we are together it is great. He has cut me out of his life completely with no contact at all. I dont know how to let him go, in my heart i know he is my soulmate and my heart and my head are stuck in overwhelming state of hurt and depression. I have never been so attracted to someone inside and out in my life. How do i let go.. please help me.
written by Cclaire, 10 September, 2009
Guess Who Knows,

So much pain. So much hurt. So much for a young man to handle.
Dear, you are growing up a lot faster than you probably imagined dealing in your life.

Find somehow to obtain therapy. YOU dear, are so angry. And yes, I do understand. But, am not in your shoes to feel such anger.

Yet, I had issues with my father and I HATED him beyond life itself.
This is about you not me.

I am here for you and there are professional here to help you.
Be strong and know life happens, doesn’t it.

written by Cclaire, 10 September, 2009
Dear Hurting So Much,

Let’s take some time and find out how you can feel better in this horrific sense of loss. Dear, you are addicted to him and addictions are hard to break.

I craved my MM like chocolate. Until you can become angry and really dislike him you shall be enslaved to this man who prefers his wife.

As women we wait and cry and wither away. There are a number of post where we all try to enlighten the other.

IT IS NOT EASY. You will ache until you realize you don’t need him in your life and little by little it shall get better.

Surround yourself with family, good friends and know you are not alone in this very sad blog. I was there and for me therapy was most helpful.
Do consider group therapy as you are coming apart

The pain is horrible. And right now your mind is fixated on this man. Do get out and meet others. As hard as it seems eventually it will get better.

YOU deserve someone who is single, unattached and is willing to love you completely.

My blessing to you, dear. It will eventually get better.
There are many loving people here to support you also.

Claire

written by So sad on the ranch, 10 September, 2009
To: Guess Who Knows,

I am sorry for your pain and I hope things will get better.

After re reading the posts addressed to me I realized you did not write to me. The first time I read through the posts I mixed up a few of the messages and I thought you had written me.

Anyhow, I hope things get better. Your mom might just need some time by herself to think things through. The time my mom left us b/c of my dads ow she did not call us children. We were very sad and confused. I was so upset I got on my horse and left home. When she found out I had run away, she returned to look for me.

Things worked out in the end. My parents have now been married for 50 years. It wasn’t always a smooth marriage; but, which ones are!

good luck
written by brokenwife, 12 September, 2009
Ladies,
To all of you here in pain.
I would like to say I know that your hearts are broken,As mine has been broken by lies and deception.
Be true to yourselves.
Don’t believe what you always hear.
Men lie to get what they want,when they want
We are all in pain here.
Maybe the lady that wrote the letter was so angry and upset,That all she did was type her feelings,I don’t believe it was proper for you in the position you are in to be so mean.I read the pain in her lines.And could almost feel her anger.
That poor young man,How much pain he must be in right now.
We should all use our morals and think before we act.

written by brokenwife, 13 September, 2009
to sad at the ranch,
Perhaps your m/m sigh may have been from guilt also,Because things were not true.
There could be several what if’s in that situation,
I agree that whether she did or did not is irrelevant,Morals are.
I think you did what you knew was best for all involved,It was still and affair and someone was being hurt.
Best of luck to you !!!
There is someone who will love you,
Who will and can give you love and all of their time not time that you must share with another.
For i’m sure the mm wife is and was in pain also.Just as i’m sure she too loved her husband.They were together were they not?
Sad that you have no guilt over the affair,All should feel guilt over their affairs because there is no justification for cheating.
Good luck to you in finding a new love.

written by Cclaire, 13 September, 2009
By A Wife.

Editing is a pleasure. Study my punctuation and phrasing.

Ladies,
To each in pain, you are heartbroken by lies and deception.
Be true to yourselves. (very good!)

(USE LESS WORDS ALONG WITH PROPER PUNCTUATION.)

Men lie for selfish gain.
The lady who (not that) wrote the post might have over-reacted.
Perhaps it was important to share her feelings. (period – new sentence.)

Why did you have to be so unkind? She was in pain.

The brave young man, misses his mother and I cannot imagine the pain he must be suffering.
Let’s use our heads before we act.
Claire

written by hurtingSomuch, 13 September, 2009
Thanks claire, the hurt is so strong at times, i find it hard to have any fun, laugh or even crack a smile. I am on a low does of antidepressants,to take the edge off, but i cant find a way NOT to miss him. It really feels like he has died at times, but i know he is sleeping next to his wife.. living a happy life and moving on with out me. Everyday the urge to text him is there but i dont... i wish he would come back to me, i just dont understand why if 50% OF marriages fail, why do the men that WE want ( the woman on this blog) don leave..... for us. It makes no sense.
written by Cclaire, 14 September, 2009
Dear Hurting So Much,

Dear, it is extremely painful and this is a society where women (for whatever reason) are drawn to someone who belongs to another.

The death of a loved one is almost as painful as when a loved ones leaves us for his wife or another.

This is what my psychiatrist pointed out to me.
Some women (including myself) are drawn to a NO WIN situation.
When we fall in love with a married man invariably it ends in pain.
This triangle also hurts children and parents if they find out.

I had a horrific relationship with my father and I’m wondering if many of us are using a married man with realizing the draw.

Your feelings are raw and hurting. If only I had a magic pill to make you forget and allow you to move on with peace.

May I suggest therapy, dear. This will be most helpful.
It is costly. Many hospitals provide group therapy for various helps.
Check it out. It is usually free.

We are here for you and there is a wonderful group of professionals right here in this blog who could offer a better scenario for you.

Blessings dear lady.
Claire
written by hurtingSomuch, 14 September, 2009
To Beck, It seems we are in the same kind of pain. I said to a friend of mine the other day, I would not wish this pain on anyone.. it is so hard. The only thing i dont have in common with everyone else here, is that i am not married, i am single with no kids. That is why i think i am having a real hard time with this, i am truly alone. I feel a little better when i come to this blog.... Claire, is there a chat room for this kind of blog? Thanks everyone.. I hope you all had a tearless day... My eyes are like golf balls i cant seem to get the swelling down.... i even tried preparation H... LOL
written by Cclaire, 14 September, 2009
Ladies,

Why do men cheat?

He cheats because of how he feels about himself. Often, cheating is a way to reclaim youth, attractiveness, excitement, or vitality. Self esteem is often at an all time low.
It has to do with aging, stress, problems with his job or issues with their health or appearance. Being unfaithful is an attempt to get back little pieces of his former self; in an attempt to raise their flagging self esteem and to feel better.

In this situation of having an affair he also is juggling a relationship with his wife.
A basically good one in the beginning. As women we so want him for ourselves and when a man says I no longer have relations with my wife is the biggest lie in the history of jerk-dome.

Here is a scenario: His mistress needs to know if she has any chance for a future.
This is when she attacks his wife verbally to him and it is amazing how he becomes his wife’s Knight in shining armor.

He cannot stand to see anyone make light of his wife. After all he chose her first. This is an indication he’s a collector of women.

The mistress is treated as crap; weary of waiting for the man she fell in love with deeply. You wait and wait and wait for what? CRUMBS.
I understand. Your love is pure and deep and delicious you are the only two people in the entire world who can feel so much in love.

What most women don’t understand is he can love his wife and be unfaithful at the same time.

Eventually, he will find another woman so attractive to find inner peace and the challenge begins. Testosterone is surging and the married man is once again looking for that other woman.

There is a sense and need to be loved. When we fall in love with a married man two things happen.
At the start of it -- it seems to be fun and light hearted.
Then you feel him pulling away and your heart is breaking.

When you are at the light hearted stage ~~ GET OUT.
Do this for your own sense of well being.

My dear friend Dr. Sylvia B helped me understand why and how things happen and how to survive when the pain is exhausting.

I hope this has been helpful.

Sometimes I still feel teary about the man in England and part of me loves him and the rest dislike him mostly for cheating on his wife.

Claire

written by moderator, 15 September, 2009
We are looking into starting a chat room.

site admin
written by brokenwife, 17 September, 2009
to hurting so much:
I saw your post and you stated" you would not wish this pain on anyone?"
Well what do you think you are inflicting on mm wife?
don’t you think she loves her husband just as you do if not more?
Do you think it is fair to the wife of the man you were seeing?
And how many days and nights do you think she may have cried?
Don’t think only about yourself,
think about the entire situation and the pain it has caused to others also.
I’m sorry for your pain.
I hurt also, And so does my mother.
From an affair my father put her in the middle of.
I have watched her cry more this year than I have ever saw in my entire life.
It all sucks doesn’t it ?? smilies/angry.gifsmilies/cry.gif
Good luck to you !!!
And may you find a good single man to love you right.smilies/wink.gif
written by waiting for december, 19 September, 2009
I’ve been seeing my MM for almost a year. He’s married with a child who was born after we started dating. He says he’s no longer in love with his wife and they haven’t been intimate since before him and I met. He is trying to get himself to be ok to leave his daughter but feels extreme guilt about doing it. He’s promised that he will leave in december and this is the first promise he’s made me for saying he will leave. He’s made me other promises that he’s kept to me so I believe him. I’m wondering if there are actually women out there where this affair they’ve had actually has a happy ending. Am I being naive and being manipulated by him? And also, have any of you ever felt so betrayed by their MM because he didn’t keep his promises that you chose to tell his wife?

written by Lo, 22 September, 2009
He’s been married for 30 years, they have 2 grown sons. He says they only got married because she got pregnant and would not have married her otherwise. He says there’s no intimacy with her...only me. he says he loves me. I can’t believe I’ve gotten myself into this mess, and now can’t seem to summon the strength to let him go.
written by brokenwife, 23 September, 2009
To the ladies,
I would like to say that I am a liar and a cheat.
I destroyed and hurt the most wonderful woman in the world.I lied about things about her, and lied to her.
I’m one of those men who for my own selfish reasons and no other I cheated and betrayed my wife and my family.
I’m ashamed of myself.
What I have done is the lowest of all low.
My wife never cheated on me she is a wonderful woman,I can never forgive myself for the pain I have caused to her.
But it’s true ladies,We men look for gullible weak needy women,And we give them our song and dance to win them over.
I could never leave this woman, she is wonderful. However I would not blame her if she left me.
I deserve it.
The ladies I saw were easy,They listened to everything I said and believed it all,I was able to get what I wanted when I wanted.I even spoke badly about these women to my wife when I was questioned about them and if they were who I might be cheating with.
I’ve called them homely,trash etc,Knowing I had been unfaithful to my wife with these women.
But my biggest concern was self preservation.I had to keep my cake and have the cookies too.
So what i’m saying ladies is,beware!!
Men like us are after one thing,When we find the bait we go for it.
Never intending on leaving our wives ever. But we will tell you over and over again we are trying,give excuse after excuse,Tell you we are unhappy etc..
Because we know you will fall for every word we say.
I’m so sorry for hurting my wife the way I have,She didn’t deserve any of the hell she was put through.
I had my fun.While I lied to her.
Loosing her would be a great loss to me.
I need to seek counseling to find out why I felt I needed more.
A lot of us men need counseling,we lie we cheat we hurt the persons we love dearly for selfishness.
No one could ever mean to me what she means to me no one.
I am truly sorry and beg her for her forgiveness.
But I will never leave my wife.Most of us never will.

written by brokenwife, 23 September, 2009
Hi Claire,
just wanted to say thank you for all of your advice.
And the words you wrote to me so that I could help my mom will forever be remembered.
Thank you so much.
Still no word from her
I hope anyone who reads my story will think twice before cheating.
No one ever wins in the long runsmilies/cry.gifsmilies/sad.gif
written by Cclaire, 23 September, 2009
Dear Lo,

Sometimes after 30 years of marriage; especially when the children are grown and leave home, a woman feels perhaps there is some hope for a future with her MM.

Many times intimacy is replaced by something I refer to as, companionship or History.
They were married before family and friends to love and and vow to each other.
They raised a family, shared a lifetime of delightful memories.
Difficult times when they scraped money together for a down payment for their first home was indeed hard but the best times of their lives.

Hours of picking out furniture or using "early marriage," family helps as one decorating a home to please him increases the bond
His wife is his everything because he chose her. She provided him with two children.
Even though they had to get married (so he says) he still chose her.

What is most interesting is now when children are married and have a family of their own.
He’s a grandfather.
This becomes an even more draw to share sweet moments with his wife as they bond deeper.
There is nothing more appealing, sweeter than holding that newborn for the first time. Especially one who shall carry on his name.

What I am sharing is Yes he says he is no longer in love with his wife and loves you. He spent thirty years living with a woman he is not attracted nor has relations?

When a man says, "I no longer have sex with my wife,"
Only he and she know for sure.

"I can’t believe I’ve gotten myself into this mess, and now can’t seem to summon the strength to let him go."

It is ever so easy when our hearts are willing to care and listen.
Women and delightful listeners.
Are you also married?
Blessing to you.

Claire.
written by brokenwife, 23 September, 2009
I just wanted to say the commentary by Claire on why men cheat is so true.
Men lie and don’t care who they hurt.
I want to wish all you ladies the best of luck with your lives and loves.
Keep in mind everything that you want isn’t as good as it seems.
I wish the woman who cheated with my husband would have contacted me.
I could have gave her some real truth,Some photo’s And let’s see if she still thought he was this innocent great person she has been convinced he was.
I’d gladly give her the truth and if she wanted the chance to see what he is truly like.
It never quite works that way does it?
We as wives have been in the picture so long we know all their ugly little secrets.
There was a lady who posted that she was so heartbroken when her mm said "he wanted to leave his wife but did’nt want to turn his world upside down"
Sweetie, don’t cry out of sadness. cry out of happiness.
be happy you are free now to find the love you deserve,
He wasn’t ready to make you his wife he wanted his cake and cookies.
He said" what if we don’t work out?"
Thats telling you there are sides of him you wouldn’t like.And his excuse for running away.
The illusion you shared will be broken.
He’s safe right where he is
Let him do his walk of shame alone,He is guilt ridden and will never hold the same status in friends and coworkers eyes like he once did.
You were mislead,
You gave your heart to someone who didn’t deserve it.
He’s lying each time he’s with you.
thats all your getting is a liar and a cheat.
Don’t you feel you deserve better?
of course you do.
We all deserve to love and be loved.Don’t cry anymore.
Be glad you are out.
I feel each womans pain here,the cheated and the cheated on.
It’s a no win situation
I have a hole in my heart now and I don’t know if it will ever heal.But I do know that I can hold my head up without shame and guilt.I haven’t betrayed anyone.
Keep your heads up and remember this point in your lives.
Vow to never go there again.
We deserve more than this. May God bless us all!!
Good luck ladies smilies/wink.gif
written by Cclaire, 24 September, 2009
To Cheating Man,

I read your post and then read it again.
You really don’t know much about women do you.

Dear man, you have been taken in by the oldest scheme we know and you believe you were in control.

Women know how to manipulate, appear needy and anything to get a man’s attention. Both parties are in the wrong.

It is your wife who is innocent in all of this nonsense you find amusing.
When will this stop? And, yes get therapy for your marriage and your sanity.

One day this shall happen. You won’t be looking for love; perhaps there will be a woman so perfect in your sight, so complete you shall fall hook line and sinker.
It never happens when we’re in control.

For the first time you might must experience heartache and know how it feels to be addicted to another. Perhaps.

Get help and do everything you can to be good to your wife.
Don’t look now, but I have a feeling your wife is not so naive.
She knows. Most women usually do know and suffer alone.

I don’t know how else to help you.
Claire

written by Cclaire, 24 September, 2009
To: Guess Who Knows,

I am so proud of you. Thinking of your mom before yourself.
One thing that concerns me, dear is the following.
As you get older you shall have horrible feelings toward your father.
This is normal.

In the process do seek therapy. There are professionals in this blog who could even be far better than I could imagine.

Actually it is my psychiatrist, Sylvia you must thank; I learned so much from her wisdom.
I also cheated on my husband and enabled another man to cheat on his wife.

I’m far from perfection. Thank you for your kindness.
You shall make someone a wonderful, kind, devoted husband.
You know the heartache of deception. You are so cool.
Blessings my way to you.
Fondly,
Claire
written by Cclaire, 24 September, 2009
Dear Waiting for December,

Thought I sent you a reply. Senior moment.
Dear lady, what are you waiting for?

Let’s talk about you and this man who provides you with some promises.
This lures us into believing what he says is factual as you feel comfortable knowing he loves you.

You want to believe he’ll leave in December. When December comes there will be another 500 reasons why it must be next year some time.

"I’m wondering if there are actually women out there where this affair they’ve had actually has a happy ending. Am I being naive and being manipulated by him? And also, have any of you ever felt so betrayed by their MM because he didn’t keep his promises that you chose to tell his wife? "

Happy ending? It is rare. Mostly because he shall never leave home.
What most mistresses fail to realize is the thinking of a man and how pragmatic their reasoning is compared to women who are more emotionally grounded.

A MM is responsible to his wife and family no matter what he tells you.
Some are professionals with a wonderful income, big house, a wife who loves and adores him (even though he sounds like the injured party married to a shrew.

Not all but some MM have a need for a conquest. Especially when their hair is thinning or graying. They see themselves as less than before.
Or a younger man who knows it would destroy his parents and hers if he ever left home or caused waves.

Naive? Sure. We were all a bit naive because we WANTED to hear his words.

Manipulated. We all fall into that trap because we want him to care for us.
Not take care as in control; rather love us unconditionally.
But, that is impossible. He has other responsibilities.

You mentioned the word betrayed.
This tells me how hurt you feel and my advice would NEVER ever contact his wife.
She is the innocent party who kisses her hubby off to work CONVINCED he is faithful.

So now you are left with what do I tell him? I love him so much.

It’s easy really. Just mention you need a new beginning and it does not include him. He might be relieved or he’ll beg your to stay in his life for what?

Dear, we have all been there. Women wait and wait for mere crumbs.
You are worthier than just lip service from a cheat and liar.

Yes, it will hurt;; but somehow I sense your questioning him is a step in the right direction. Move on w/o him.

You don’t owe him anything. This is another thing I learned along the way.
Sometimes as women we feel responsible (it is our nurturing instincts) to love and make sure he is happy.

So what do I do if he calls? Don’t take his call, text messages, emails or see him.

Blessings your way.
Claire

written by just another wife, 24 September, 2009
BRAVO CLAIRE !!!!! THATS TELLING HIM LIKE IT IS !!!!smilies/wink.gif
written by Cclaire, 24 September, 2009
Dear Cheated on Wife,

Good for You!!! It takes much determination and will power.

You figured it out. Many do; some are too emotionally connected to know how to separate the emotion with the brain. I was told to think like a man, but be smart as we women are and know how.

There was a time when I was convinced this was worse than anything in my life.
As women we understand the gentler side of life; until a MM comes along and causes us to fall in love when we don’t expect such pain.

Kudos and Blessings to you.
Claire
written by bothsides, 24 September, 2009
I have been both the other woman when I was younger and the wife who was cheated on. Which is worse? Here’s my opinion.

In the first scenario, it was like everyone else, a true soul mate situation that devastated us both, but me much more. He told me all the lies about him being in the middle of a divorce. The love tore at him, that was true, he was unable to get off the couch for days at a time and wasted away. When he was supposed to leave, he didn’t, and I was unable to function when he dumped this on me. In the final days of contact, he came to my house crying hysterically trying to leave his ex on the phone while I stood frozen. She would cry hysterically begging and threatening him with their children, money, etc. to stay. I couldn’t understand her lack of pride to do that or why she would want someone who obviously loved someone else. But it was a typical "attachment situation" as they had three kids, no money, and the wife was a stay-at-home mom. The wife forgave her husband and hated and blamed me, of course. In the end, I was so destroyed by what he did I was honestly nearly hospitalized for lack of eating. At the time, I had never met anyone who lied like that or would treat anyone like that. It took a long time to heal. I understand the pain!

Then I met a man at work who had cheated on his wife and was separated after the affair. He seemed very regretful and open about it, the very opposite of the man I had just been with. This man and I got together (publicly), but it was very shady what was really going on. He did leave his wife, much to my surprise, because he went back and forth between us and the divorce was nasty and expensive. Most of all I was suprised because she fought tooth and nail to keep him. She hated me, blamed me for them not reconciling, more than the woman he had actually had the affair with that caused them to separate because that woman didn’t "win" him in the end. This man and I were living together, but eventually, I left him because I caught him lying about things regarding his ex. Not even two months later I was surprised to find the divorce was finalized, he found me and persuaded me to marry him. It seemd like we finally had a storybook ending.

Weeks into the marriage he had an affair with the ex. I was very surprised – why the heck did he bother to get this expensive, painful divorce and why did he chase me to marry him only to cheat right away? I had to shake my head at his ex, because she spent a lot of time condemning the woman who had the affair with her husband only to become this woman herself.

My husband is begging me to take him back but I’m not sure he’s worth the trouble. I’m wondering if two immature liars like my husband and his ex aren’t better suited. I think it’s horrible they pointedly used their child as cover to have affairs many times over (if we count before we were married and there were shenanigans going on back-and-forth while we were "on a break" but not really.) I don’t want to bring my own children into that kind of situation, with those kinds of role models.

I discovered the affair through emails, ironically, my husband had ended it (it only happened once sexually) and the ex was bitter about this and our marriage. I just thought, whatever happens, ‘I don’t want to be this woman!’

Anyway, not sure what I’ll do but I must say, from both sides, (don’t stone me) it’s probably more often the other woman who’s been left that is more hurt. Or maybe it’s just that she’s the one who’s left more often as men tend not to leave their wives. Granted, I haven’t been married very long (but we’ve been together for a few years) and I don’t mean to diminish the wife’s pain – the betrayal is utterly horrible, leaving me hurt and angry beyond words. I’ve lost my very best friend and lover. The man who was supposed to start a family with me next year. I don’t know how to go on each day, it’s impossible! BUT. Just as a generalization here, the reality is, many marriages are not, or are no longer, true love situations. (of course there are plenty that are.) The first devastation left me in therpay. My husban’d ex is miserable and angry. But, she dries her tears on the hundreds of thousands she never had to work a day in her life for.

I wish men knew the devastation men bring to women when they do these things. It’s all selfishness and cowardice. It’s always men who are emotionally weak, scared to be alone.

From either side it pain you’ll remember for life, hurt that changes your life.
written by Cclaire, 25 September, 2009
To Both Sides,

I read your post and had to study it again for clarity.
Truly I don’t know what to say, other than why would you feel so heartless towards his wife?

Why does she want him back? . She has placed years of time and devotion to the man she loves; their children needs a father.

But it is more than that.

Somehow, I don’t know what to say to you; being it was self serving.
Claire

written by Cclaire, 27 September, 2009
Dear Both Sides,

I was unfair to you and re-read your words and realize you are in much pain.
What seemed mechanical is only your writing style; and I should have picked up on this.

When we fall in love with a MM women put 100% of who we are into a relationship.
You did just that.

It is the craziness of being so attached to his wife; yet needing you; being (the first man I mean) to complicate things.

The first man was as you mentioned weak and cowardly.
Somehow we fall in love with what appears to be sensitive and gentle.

Now you are married.
There is a pattern in our lives I mentioned before. Dear Sylvia, my therapist mentioned this to me.

If we have a bad situation with our fathers often this happens.
We choose what is familiar -- not what is healthy for our needs.

Dear, you married a man you loved and didn’t realize how men think in their brains about their ex wives. Very much of him is still feeling responsible for her pain. This is one of the reasons he had the affair with her.

NOT because he’s so crazy in love with her; rather a sense of male ego, pride, sense of fair play.

Now you are feeling both sides of a horrible situation.
No stoning done here.

"Weeks into the marriage he had an affair with the ex. I was very surprised – why the heck did he bother to get this expensive, painful divorce and why did he chase me to marry him only to cheat right away? I had to shake my head at his ex, because she spent a lot of time condemning the woman who had the affair with her husband only to become this woman herself. "

I can imagine your horror and shock and who is this man I married?
Some women are unable to let go they love their man so much.
Even to the point of agreeing to a divorce she never wanted.

You have a sense of who you are in all of this and that shall get you through so much more than most. Take a deep breath and dear lady DO NOT get involved with a man who is having or had an affair.

I do feel, however many men have experienced much pain and suffering.
Do know you shall survive this and be better than you could imagine.

Blessings your way,
Claire

written by brokenwife, 28 September, 2009
I am a wife of a lying cheating man.
He doesn’t have the guts to own up to his lies and cheating on me.I stay because I love my husband and I am devoted to my marriage.I have on several occasions seen the proof of his cheating and I know the place where he worked I had began to call him the ranch whore.
I’m so angry with him but I can’t bring myself to throw my marriage out the window a of yet.he’s also told many lies about me to these women.
He tells me over and over again how much he loves me,that he needs me.I’ve asked him on several occasions for a divorce or if this is what he wanted.
His answers remain the same.
He’s gone to a therapist, and When I met this therapist he stated he expected someone much taller than I was.Since my husband had placed me on such a pedestal with him when he spoke about me.
I first thought when i realized he had been cheating he was having a midlife crisis,Then it kept happening and I don’t think he has stopped.
I ask repeatedly about divorce,he actually gets very angry to almost violent.
I’ve asked him what the hell does he want from me.Because I am not going to continue to allow my life to be put at risk.while he is out sleeping with other women.He still swears he never has and never will.
Lies all lies.
Why in gods name would he want to hold onto his marriage since he prefers to be in bed with all these other women?
He swears his undying love for me constantly.
I feel like how the hell can you love me and you can’t keep your pants on??
I know which women at his job he has been intimate with.they won’t come forward either.they think I don’t know who they are.
So I have very little proof to show as my request for divorce,I feel so trapped in this situation.
I do love him with all my heart,But enough is enough.I have my dignity also.I had even given him the ultimatum at his last job to leave or loose his wife,because I couldn’t bear going to his job knowing these women were there he had been with.
He got another job.And I thought it would get better.
But I feel he is still seeing someone.
ALL of this has destroyed my very soul,I am devastated by all of these lies and him denying he has ever been unfaithful,when it has been so clear.
How does a person do such evil and just turn it off?
the person they see is not really him.
In fact i don’t even know who he is anymore.
He has never been a liar or a cheat this is all new to his personality.
I feel like i’m with a stranger.
But this is a stranger to me.I have never seen this type of behavior from him.In all our years together he has never lied.This has been going on for about 18 months now and I’m lost here in this mess.
I feel like a fly trapped in a web.
Any ideas on what to do.?
I’ve told him I would give him his freedom if thats what he wanted.
He swears he doesn’t want a divorce,that he cannot live without me.Then why all the lies and cheating?
Why can’t he own up to what he is doing and what he has done.Is this some midlife crisis he’s going through?
does anyone have any advice???smilies/cry.gif
written by Cclaire, 28 September, 2009
Ladies,

These are the mistakes I made. Know you are not alone.

Our love was unique. He is British and has a delicious accent.
We were the only two people in the world who could feel such wonderful passion and agreed on just about everything.

We were both in our late 60’s and met through an editing position.
He was an excellent writer; it was friendship at first sight.

We both enjoyed speaking highly of our spouses and families.
No open door for ecstasy was placed in order; until we found out through some serious conversations our marriages both 44 years held little interest and his wife was impossible.

NEVER BELIEVE THAT UNLESS YOU ARE A FLY ON A WALL TAKING NOTES

Eventually his book was completed. After several weeks of deciding on a draft his book was published.

Weeks went by and we went our way and back to my stale, dried up marriage.
The idea of having an affair was out of the question. My husband and I held our marriage vows sacred even though things seemed ordinary.

Hubby was a dear man who ended up terribly hurt by discovering one of our e-mails. It all happened when I finished editing his second book. We both agreed upon and discovered there was more than mere attraction.

For the first time I felt young and beautiful again.
No, he was not a smooth talker. Just the opposite. Say an ordinary guy.
There was something about his kindness and sweetness that caused my heart to pump harder and my palms were moist each time I saw his email.

My MM provided an ingredient which was missing for years.
Intimacy.
He was dear and wonderful and we fell hopelessly in love.

My husband was seriously ill. I promised myself I would remain by his side and care for him faithfully. Instead of emailing my MM, I focused on my husband’s well being.

Eventually he stopped emailing me.
After a few weeks he emailed me and mentioned he missed me beyond reason and was ready to ask his wife for a divorce.

Weeks after he promised to divorce his wife and marry me he had a new story.
It came out of the blue. He expressed he had children who did not ask to be born and he could never leave them. They came late in life and it would destroy them.

It was so hurtful and instead of keeping a journal of his lies, I just smiled and pretended they did not exist.

My lawyer is a dear friend and sensed something was amiss.
Without hearing myself , all I did was talk about him and didn’t realize how obsessed my conversation ruled.

He paid one of his workers to e-mail my MM and write wonderful words filled with praise. Little did I realize he was being taken in by one of the secretaries who had a way with words and eventually had him so interested he barely sent me one email a week.

Two weeks later I received a transcript in the mail. The note read, "Please forgive me but you had to know."

I was shocked. The man I was in love with who loved me was telling another woman he was alone and miserable and how it had been a long time since he had another woman understand him so perfectly. I WAS PISSED.

The secretary’s job was complete and she discontinued writing him.
I was beside myself with sadness.

HE LIED TO ME!! WHAT A JERK I WAS!!!
Somehow it is summed up to LIFE HAPPENS. We make choices.

When my libido rules my common sense I know trouble will brew.

I read so much pain and understand.
The one ingredient we all need is to be loved and desired.

Funny thing, my husband was always loving and kind and had all the delightful traits my MM had. But he was nicer.

There is a draw to be attracted to "do not touch," and some of us just don’t care about that wet paint sign that should say, something is wrong. What am I doing?

What amazes me is the number of women who are convinced they have him figured out. Women think nothing of divorcing their husband expecting him to do the same and marry her. It never works out that way.

There is so much heartache to the point where one becomes ill.
Take care of yourselves and choose wisely.
If you are suspicious find out as much as you possibly can.

This is the silliest thing men do. They remove their wedding band and believe women are too stupid to notice the ring mark.

Some are truly little boys and it is our nurturing instincts which we don’t understand in the beginning as a major factor in play.

Best wishes,
Claire

written by Cclaire, 29 September, 2009
Dear Lost Battle,

Your situation is multi-fold. You asked what should you do.

In the first place do have a HIV test ASAP.
If he’s been this involved you need to make sure you are protected.

You love him, but cannot seem to let him go. I understand your situation and it seems like a no win scenario.

My question is how do you know what he is telling the other women?
This is important for you to know.

And I believe you are both experiencing a mid life crisis.

Men are like little boys.
They want mommy to nurture and care for them and have their fun at the same time. What many wives may not realize is how some men are truly deeply in love with their wives; yet have an affair or two.

"But this is a stranger to me.I have never seen this type of behavior from him.In all our years together he has never lied.This has been going on for about 18 months now and I’m lost here in this mess. I feel like a fly trapped in a web."

Let’s talk about your marriage and realize he MAY have been lying since the beginning of your marriage. And, as women we are in denial much of the time.
Somehow you manage to have proof of his infidelity even though he denies it.

If in fact he truly is a scoundrel he is covering his tracks by telling his therapist how wonderful you are: thus, a good marriage. How clever.

It boils down to what do you want to do with your life?
Are you hoping he will go back to being the wonderful husband you once knew or is that out of the question?

In all of this you need therapy to help you through the heartache.
You are dying inside and you need help.

Blessings to you and hope you find answers.
Claire

written by brokenwife, 01 October, 2009
Thanks Claire,
No I know he was the greatest person before,
He’s always been honest sincere and very loving and caring.When he hit the forties he became an idiot.
He began to get sneaky,And I knew that something was going on.He refuses to get a divorce.
I know he has told several lies to these other women,And yet I wonder how they can do what they have done since they know me,They know he is home with me every night,he’s never stayed out.
These affairs took place at the workplace and with coworkers.I feel they had no respect for themselves at all.He seems to have lost all respect for himself with the things he is doing.
That was very clever with the therapist wasn’t it?
I made sure I let the therapist know it was lies he portrayed to him.I too feel he has somehow turned into a very rotten egg.I don’t think after the things he has done we will ever be where we were before this or that anything that comes out of his mouth I will ever believe.
As for myself I am most definitely not in a midlife crisis.I am and was very settled in my marriage,And was under the impression so was he.It’s as though he reached this age,gained all this weight hair color faded and he lost his mind.
We have been married for 23 years now and I truly don’t believe that the person I see now,has hid all these years.I do think there is definitely something wrong with him.I asked him " why don’t you just let me go"
I always get the same answers.
I think he is out sowing his wild oats and as you said wants his mommy too.His biggest fear while doing all of this was being discovered,and his denials are so strong,it’s as though he really believes he has not done cheating.Over the last 2 years had blackouts and seizures,And had a previous head injury.I’m wondering if this may be part of the cause for his behaviors.I am going to find out soon.I just cannot believe that he has always been this type of snake.He has always been very very honest and church and God were top priorities in our lives.Since this behavior he will not go to church.And I do know if we divorce he can never marry again,Our faith doesn’t allow it.I do believe that he truly loves me,But as you stated.I think he wants to go and get some on the side,but doesn’t want to loose me in the process.So he holds onto me with all he has.
I am taking one day at a time.I go on with my life,and have made plans and arrangements should I have to go ahead and walk away.I’m looking out for me.smilies/wink.gif
thanks for your advice.
written by Cclaire, 01 October, 2009
Dear Lost Battle,

You are an amazing woman. There is so much maturity and a sense of who you are and that is the beginning of being sane through much unhappiness.

When I mentioned you being in a mid-life crisis I was thinking of the change.
Being married for 23 years makes you 40+something.

Let’s talk about these blackouts and seizures.
It may be a stretch but sleep apnea can cause seizures.
It is imperative he sees a neurologist and hopefully he’s on meds.
Many times one changes overnight and much of it is brain chemistry caused by many issues.

Good for you for speaking with his therapist and making him understand you are the victim here in this difficult situation.

This is what I feel. Your marriage was wonderful and then overnight he turned into a sneak. I am wondering if he might have a neurological issue that needs to be looked into.

To be honest with you, I don’t believe this battle is lost with your husband.
Share your heart with him and let him know how much it is hurting you deeply.

You are taking one day at a time and am impressed with your ability to deal with such difficult heartache.

To note such am amazing change OUT OF THE BLUE one must question his health.
Suggest he have a physical and have his blood profile examined.
It is just a thought.

Hang in, dear and know we are here.
Blessing to you,,
Claire

written by lost battle, 03 October, 2009
smilies/cry.gif Hi Claire,
Your right,Took him to the doctor there are some serious medical issues going on with the carotid artery.
The blood flow and oxygen have been cut off to his brain,When he has these seizures during the day and passes out.Personality changes,blackouts etc,
Tests have been ordered and I hope that we can find out what has been going on with him.
How I will handle these sexual flings and get him to own up to I don’t know.But he does seem to be very unaware of them or is one great liar.
It has been as though there are two personalities inside him now.
Doctor says,the personalities could be from the brain damage he has suffered.
I will have to let him know eventually that he brought me a sexually transmitted disease,that will always affect my life now.But I don’t think now is the time.
I will wait until all the other medical things are taken care of.
I knew this was not my husband.
I knew he was a stranger to me.
So I know my marriage will be alright,and he is here with me.So the lady who keeps calling and harassing me will know that he is not leaving his wife.I’m sorry she got herself involved with a married man,And that he was my husband who was having issues when he told her all the stories he told her.
Thank you for your support.and kind words.smilies/cry.gif
written by lost battle, 03 October, 2009
Dear Claire,
I forgot to mention in my last letter to you.
These women,I don’t understand how they could possibly feel they had a relationship going on with him,And even thought they were stealing his heart or were going to be a permanent part of his life,When everything they did and shared was done in secret and hidden from the real world,Nights were spent alone,He never stayed out all night.All the sex was also deceptive and done in the shadows,How does a person degrade themselves in that manner and think they are in a relationship?
The weekends were spent alone because he was always with me.
The only time he was ever away from me was during work hours or when he had class.
So how can there be a relationship?
I was aware of the sexual encounters because there was always evidence because it was shared in cars and places where sneaking teenagers would run around to have sex.How childish !!
But this is a relationship?
How could they fall for such excuses and lies and continue to do things with him knowing he was with his wife completely except when they and he snuck into each others arms at work hours behind some tree or at some dirt patch.
It just doesn’t make sense at all.
And it was a clear case of being used and lied to by both women.Except I was the wife.
The entire thing is sick,really sick.
Someone had to be awful needy or just had no respect for themselves period.
Maybe it was just a them of having sex because the opening was there.
How we women degrade ourselves with such stupid things at times is beyond my understanding.
Even when i questioned him,his words were always I am never going to be without you,
And i’ve never had any intentions of ever leaving you,So why would I cheat on you??
Clearly there is something wrong with him,So all of this mess is just another bump in our lives that I must decide whether I will stay or go.If he is not in his right mind then I feel it would be wrong to walk away.But I do hold the ow at fault because I don’t think she used her head at all.
Just sex to be having sex,where is the common sense here.
written by Cclaire, 03 October, 2009
To Lost Battle,

The body is amazing and yet so fragile.
I am saddened to learn of your sexually Transmitted disease.

As women we are nurturing souls who care for everyone.
Yes, I do understand why you wish for him to be medically stable and then let him know of your situation.

He needs to know when he is able to handle the news.

Hang in. You’re going to be fine.

Best wishes,
Claire

written by Cclaire, 04 October, 2009
Dear Lost Battle,

Let’s take one step at a time and talk about your relationship with the man you married. Yes, I know. You are beyond anger. You are outraged!!!
How could he allow this to happen if he loves me?

You need to find out and understand did his erratic behavior begin when he had neurological issues. If so then work with him. Above anything else do seek the help of a marriage counselor. Someone with good qualifications who can work with you both and find solutions.

"How could they fall for such excuses and lies and continue to do things with him knowing he was with his wife completely except when they and he snuck into each others arms at work hours behind some tree or at some dirt patch.
It just doesn’t make sense at all. "

Some women are ruled by hormones rather common decency.
Your thinking is intelligent and pragmatic and go from reason to anger.
BTW -- this is most normal.

Dear lady, do know there are many BIMBOS in our society who have little regard for themselves; let alone you or any wife might be dying inside.
These are individuals who take what they want and do as they wish.
There is no accountability for their actions. They truly don’t care.

"Clearly there is something wrong with him. So all of this mess is just another bump in our lives that I must decide whether I will stay or go."

Take a deep breath, realize you know all there is to know and you hate it.
Also understand he might not have been in his right mind.

This is why seeing a marriage counselor is most necessary. There will be pain at first, then healing in the end. Some marriages end up stronger and more wonderful. Only you can decide what to do.
I am convinced he is deeply hurt by your wanting to leave.

When a spouse is unfaithful it tears a partner in pieces. I hear your pain and understand the sense of unfair play you feel.
My Blessings your way.

Claire

written by Devyn, 08 October, 2009
I never thought I would find myself in this situation. I am married.He is married. When we are together, the world outside doesn’t exist. All the problems, the weight I have on my shoulders disappear when he touches me. Its afterwards, when he ‘s not there that the reality of the situation sets in. I am in an unhappy marriage. I carry on for the sake of my son. I have no idea why our paths crossed in this lifetime if we can’t be together. I don’t fool myself. He will never leave his wife. I have tried to walk away as this situation is hopeless. I can’t though. He makes every part of me feel alive emotionally and physically. There have been times when I have needed his help and he was there. At the core of this is a bond, a friendship that despite whatever happens will never break. We promised each other that before anything happened. As hard as that is,
I know we will be true to it. We care for one another, we love one another, we have respect for one another.
Its a hard situation but one I put myself in by choice. And I would not change it for the world.
written by What goes around comes around aka getting my head out of my ass!, 08 October, 2009
I’ve read the majority of the comments in this thread and I feel compelled to post out of sheer frustration. Forgive me if my post is too long, but I have a point to all of this that may give you some perspective.

I got involved with a man 7 years ago. Just like you I felt: love of my life, can’t live without him, soul mate.... He wasn’t married, but I did not know he was ‘separated’ from his then girlfriend (although I am not sure she knew they were). I fell for him, then found out from a friend that she was still in the picture. He used the same "problems in the relationship, blah blah blah cakes. By then I had feelings for him and chose to stick it out. We broke up a few times and he went back and forth between me and her for about a year and a half. During that time she called me and screamed at me at various times of day or night, but I never yelled back (I felt really bad – more guilty than he did). It was awful.

Finally, the following September (1 1/2 years), I said I am not going to start my new year in a triangle. Either it will be you and me or not. Within 1 month, he shows up at my door and never leaves my home. He said that he had enough of her crap and left her (although I am not sure in hindsight that is what really happened).

Cut to 6 years later, we are living together the whole time. Don’t be too happy for me yet! We have had many ups and LOTS of downs. Well it turns out that in the last year he has cheated on me with 2 different women. Granted we were going through some serious problems, but like I told him, if you have a problem talk about it, break up, whatever, but I will not take responsibility for his shitty behavior!

Now I have been in hell for the past 6 months. Even though he has stopped cheating they are both still around trying to get into his life. We do love each other and are trying to sort out our relationship, but he has lying issues on top of being weak with these women (not being able to completely cut off contact). It’s waning off, but I am not sure if I can ever trust him completely again.

Moral of the story: 1) Karma is a bad bitch! 2)What ever you do comes back worse. 2)Even if you end up with the ‘love of your life’ it’s probably all an illusion!

written by Cclaire, 08 October, 2009
Dear Devyn,

"Its afterwards, when he ‘s not there that the reality of the situation sets in. I am in an unhappy marriage. I carry on for the sake of my son. I have no idea why our paths crossed in this lifetime if we can’t be together. I don’t fool myself. He will never leave his wife. I have tried to walk away as this situation is hopeless."

Let’s talk about your romance with your MM and the reality of the situation.
You are deeply in love. Then things become dark and lonely without him.
The reality is you are without him more than you are with him.

Both married and yes, he shall never leave his wife.
MM never ever leave and you shall be in an up and down relationship.
When he loves you the world goes away for the time being.

"Its a hard situation but one I put myself in by choice. And I would not change it for the world."

This is important for you to understand. You are his mistress.
One day he will find the guilt to be overwhelming and you will notice him slowly backing away from you.

He will tell you he loves you but for one reason you will note a difference in him.
This is human nature for many affairs.

Say it over and over again. I AM HIS MISTRESS. And realize you are with someone who cheats and lies. Dear, you are sleeping with another woman’s husband.

I fear that when this ends and it will you will be dreadfully hurt.
What appears to be wonderful now will be a torment later.

I don’t know how to help you. Being you are destined to remain in this situation
Rethink your destiny. What is delicious now will end up as a nightmare.

The thing is men will say ANYTHING
Claire
written by Moby, 09 October, 2009
What goes around comes around aka getting my head out of my ass!

YOU ARE A CHILD.
written by Cclaire, 09 October, 2009
Hi What goes around comes around,

"Even though he has stopped cheating .... It’s waning off, but I am not sure if I can ever trust him completely again."

What gives you the impression he stopped cheating?
His weakness, inability to say NO to other women and his history with his girlfriend are enormous Flashing lights for you to leave a no win situation.

There is enough negativity in this relationship with him and his inability to take any woman serious; you are smart to get out.

And yes it shall hurt like hell for a while.

When you wake one morning and discover you no longer think of him, need him in your live you are free to love someone else.

Blessings and best wishes with your choices.
Claire
written by Daftie, 15 October, 2009
Like many of you I’ve been on both sides of the situation:-

My first marriage was abusive – I was faithful, he was not, by the time I found out about the affairs I was too far along in divorce proceeding to care, and had I found he had been cheating prior to seperation I would, I am sure have been releived he was sating his nastier habits elsewhere.

My Ex Partner is a good, if boring and lazy man, whom I had planned to leave a few years ago after realizing I would rather be alone than with him and miserable.

Then I found I was pregnant, my son is the light of my life,and the delay gave us chance to try and address our issues. Unfortunately he was unwilling to address the problems we were having, and after a lot of heartache, and on my part, the promise of an affair. I didn’t physically become involved, but for a short time I was emotionally involved with someone who would listen, and was happy to listen and be more than a friend but not quite a lover. I left the M when I realized than my Ex could not and would not be the man I needed or wanted in order to feel loved and appreciated, and the emotional affair ended shortly after.

6 months later I was working, supporting myself and my son,having a lot of fun, and not looking for anything, relationship or otherwise. I was using Taxi’s frequently (with a firm I have used for years), developed a friendship with one driver,and, after a brief spate of very dirty and funny texts and some fantastic conversations, entered into an affair with him (he has a live in GF).

Cue 12 months of bliss and heartache, I love this man wholeheartedly, but he has been open that he cannot leave his partner as it would cause too much widespread pain within his and her family. He is unhappy, I have this on good authority from people who know him as a friend, she demeans him in the bedroom, makes him feel less of a man, and is quite controlling.

He is a good person (he’s had a successful 20+yr marriage that ended amicably), he works all the hours god sends, is straightforward, funny, a fantastic and easy person to talk with and I feel I ‘know’ him, But all this aside, he is attached.

So a few months ago I made the decision to put an end to us, I made it very clear that I care (love) him, and that he knows where I am if he ever needs a friend or if by some miracle he walks away from his current R (for himself, not for me)at which point I would happily enter into something more.

It hurt like hell in the beginning, sleepless nights, agonizing over not seeing him or knowing how he is, but as time goes on the pain is less, but the love is still there, along with the hope I have that he will, just once, think of himself first.

I know if he leave it will be for himself, and on that basis, if we got together we would have a better chance of survival, and in the meantime, I do see him occasionally, we chat and get along as brilliantly as ever, and I’m having fun looking for “the next possible one”.

My heart goes out to those in affairs, its not easy whichever side of the equation your on, and it all comes down to your own circumstances, but my only advice is this, once any affair become more of a crutch to daily family life, than an entity of its own, then its no good for anyone, nothing changes until the crutch is removed.
written by Why?, 17 October, 2009
Ive been involved with a MM for the last 17mo. I dint know he was married for the first 12mo of that.... I suspected it the entire time... Probably because of the 13year age difference. So, I was setting myself up for disappointment... Instead fell in love... Found out he was involved with another woman.. Then found out she was pregnant... Then found out she was in actuality his pregnant wife that had their son, his first... which was talked about having in another 3years, five days prior to his confession. Yet, five months later Im still involved, still in love... And, kind of forgave him. I’m not sure why... Ive tried seeing other men.... but still find myself coming back to him.... He swears he’s leaving... He’s supposedly waiting on this studio he wants to rent... but i wonder if the date set is going to just pass on by and he isnt going to leave. I’m gonna wait... its a month away.... but if he doesnt leave im done. If I do end it... Do I tell her or just let her find out on her own.... He doesnt want me to say anything to her because it will compromise his relationship with his son.... I just dont know....
written by Cclaire, 18 October, 2009
Hi Daftie,

You certainly have had your share of heartache.

"It hurt like hell in the beginning, sleepless nights, agonizing over not seeing him or knowing how he is, but as time goes on the pain is less, but the love is still there, along with the hope I have that he will, just once, think of himself first. "

Let’s talk about men and their need to do things which will protect their partner he has. There is a sad but bitter truth men must always have it their way; to preserve peace whether it be a girlfriend or wife.

You are doing the right thing and YES it shall eventually get better.
There will be days when you shall crave him like chocolate.

Blessing to you. You’ll be fine.
Claire
written by Cclaire, 18 October, 2009
Hello Why?

Men can be cruel and obviously deceptive leading you on the way he did.
This is important to realize.

Not all men, but many think with their penis and truly believe we are idiots.
Eventually you figured it out or he told you.

Actually age has little to do with deception. Some older men may have lost their spouse to cancer or heart disease.

" I’m gonna wait... its a month away.... but if he doesnt leave im done. If I do end it... Do I tell her or just let her find out on her own.... He doesnt want me to say anything to her because it will compromise his relationship with his son.... I just dont know...."

Yes, I think you do know. There is that feeling in your gut that gives you an indication between what is fair and what would be most hurtful.
Telling her would only bring unnecessary pain. Somehow I am convinced she knows her man all too well.

Take each day at time and know he was not the man for you.
Know there is someone who can love your for your kindness and love you wish to
demonstrate as we all need.

Blessings and keep your antenna up.
Claire

written by Its good to be free, 26 October, 2009
Your boyfriend is CHEATING on YOU with his wife!!

I was w/ my MM for almost 7 years. It ended in August of this year because I couldn’t take the BS anymore. I gave him so many chances. He knew I wanted to have a family and he promised me everything and then some. I am 37 now. We went back and forth for a long time with him promising me he’s leaving. In June, he lied to me about seeing a lawyer, moved in w/ me for two weeks (under the guise that he left her)only to tell me that he needs to go back because he didn’t do it right.

In Aug. I decided to sign up for online dating and get away from this mess. Of course, he cyber-stalked me and found my profile. I did start dating someone quickly (albeit, not the right guy but at least he’s not married) and the MM drove by my house & saw his car then told ME that it’s over!! Hello!!! It was already over. He said that he couldn’t believe I could be with someone else. This man has serious issues.

I am doing my best to move on but I am very hurt and angry that my "best friend" could lie to me for so long. I had a dream last night that I went away with the girls and met a woman who claimed to be in a rel. w/ him while I was. I woke up so upset and realized that the dream was true – his wife was having a rel. w/ him while I was. Even though he would talk about how horrible she was & he wanted to get away. Obviously, this was not the case because he’s still with her. Unbelievable.

I just want to give you all the strength and hope that you need to move past this chapter as I am. It has been a long torturous road and it feels good not to be with someone else’s husband. They are cowards who use us and abuse our strength and love. I hope this helps and wish you all the best for true love with an available man.

Love to all!
written by Cclaire, 26 October, 2009
Hi It’s Good to be Free,

Yes, seven years is a long time and as women we think differently than men.
What you perceived as being "your best friend," was his way of having his cake and eating it too.

There is only one concern with on line dating. He could be wearing a wedding band. Same with face book and my space.

It is a way men know and can find (what they sense as losers) and take advantage of a lovely person as yourself.

Be careful.
Claire
written by brokenwife, 26 October, 2009
to it’s good to be free,
I just wanted to say that I’m very happy for you !!!smilies/smiley.gif
Glad you are going on with your life and your doing great,there is a better road ahead for you and I’m betting it feels really good inside to know that your not sneaking around with someone elses husband.
I give you my props !!!!smilies/wink.gif
that was 7 years too long wasted of your love and life.
Much happiness to you wherever you may be.
And good luck to you !!!!!
written by PurpleGirl, 27 October, 2009
I can only write a few words right now. I just ended my 2 year relationship with MM. I believe that he was and is my soul-mate, I know that is how everyone feels, I hope to believe that some part of our relationship was true. Right now I am raw and bleeding. I am a MW, I am going to try to work on my marriage then step away if I cannot make it a happy union for the both of us. My marriage was falling apart before MM, and only stayed together this long due to the distraction and love of this other man. The pain is so intense that I don’t know how I will make is through the week. I loved, him. He professed his love to me daily, hourly each day for over 2 years. I guess when I told him I wasn’t going to wait for him, that part of me really thought that he was ready to leave his wife for me...everything he said lead me to believe his words..that I was his soul mate, he pursued me for over 5 years in that time we remained just friends.
Did he really truly love me? This blog has made me question everything. Yes, I have much guilt and rightfully so for falling in love with a married man. I always put us in the 1% category...yet now I sit before my computer with egg and tears upon my face. Pray for me, the pain more than I can endure.
written by Cclaire, 28 October, 2009
Dear Purple Girl,

I hear your pain and understand this is all about unfulfilled expectations we have for our MM. Women and men are so different.

Let’s take time and just talk about how you will get through this week.
And next week; and the week after that.

Understand you will hurt for a while. Trust me when I say eventually it will get better. There is no magic pill to remove the pain which is robbing you of a vital life.

When a woman provides a MM intimacy because your marriage is failing you both are in a situation which appears to be a no win scenario.

Married men NEVER leave. It is home. It is where they shall forever find contentment even in a difficult marriage.

You asked did he love you. The question is did he love you enough to leave his wife and family. And eventually the answer shall always be no.

We give and give and give and the end result is pain.
Men feel pain but their lives are surrounded by their work, children and his wife.

This SOUL MATE image is unfortunately an over rated need to be connected.
That is when we discover we are deeply in love and willing to accept mere crumbs.

The reason you are aching so deeply is you are grieving for a love that once was and now you realize he will not leave his wife and you feel less than.

We have all been where you are and it hurts beyond words.
Do take time and spend with those who care for you.

When a MM cheats on his wife he is using his mistress.
This is difficult to realize because you can recall the wonderful moments.
Your love was the most beautiful love in this world.

I hope you and your husband can make your marriage work.
This is the sad part of many marriages.

Women especially find themselves vacant when their marriage is vacant or not exciting. Marriage is not about an amusement park.

Best wishes.

written by belledejour22, 29 October, 2009
To Purple Girl
I am a sometime visitor to this site. I just read your post and really felt for you. Especially when you say the pain is more than you can endure. I have been there too – believe me! I could say so much more but just wanted you to know that someone was reading and sympathizing with you. I know the pain you are in now and just to have someone, even a stranger, to acknowledge that, can make you feel even a tiny bit better and not so alone and bereft.
written by It’s Good to be free, 29 October, 2009
Claire and lost battle,

Thank you both so very much for your support. It hasn’t been easy, I go through moments of missing him. Being in counseling has helped tremendously! I keep reminding myself that I deserve better and know for sure I will not go back to him. Actually, I am finally very angry and disgusted.

Claire, you are right, it was his way of having his cake and eating it too and for so long I didn’t want to believe that. I see now with all clarity that he was doing exactly that. As for online dating, I know to be careful and I watch out for the signs of anyone who’s "shady". So far I have met some nice, honest people who just aren’t right for me but I have a date tonight so you never know! smilies/smiley.gif

My thanks and best wishes for all of you. I turned to this site in my time of need a few years ago and it is so important that we support each other!

Lots of love! smilies/smiley.gif))

written by Cclaire, 29 October, 2009
Dear Purple Girl,

There is a concern I have for you. Sometimes women go into marriage with the notion husbands are suppose to provide them with emotional happiness.

Marriage is not always hearts and flowers.
Do know many marriages barely exist because there is this sense of loss we feel when we are in love with another.

"I am going to try to work on my marriage then step away if I cannot make it a happy union for the both of us. "

That is the key UNION. Being married does not mean it is suppose to feel wonderful. It takes work and time and devotion.

You mentioned guilt and how that was probably the deciding factor of spending time on your husband. Realizing he is a decent man and you were cheating on him just as I did with my husband and yes; the guilt destroys.

It robs you of any peace.
Guilt is the barometer by which we know we are doing something wrong.

Best wishes and my blessings to keep you safe and centered.
Know it will be good one day and not the next.

It is natural to think of your MM and dwell on the love you experienced.
Be happy.
Claire

written by Cclaire, 29 October, 2009
To It’s Good to Be Free,

I am sure you are careful. Just as you were for the past seven years?
Dear, you are so naive.

Don’t take this as a criticism just care.
Claire
written by Cclaire, 31 October, 2009
Dear, It’s good to be free,

"As for online dating, I know to be careful and I watch out for the signs of anyone who’s "shady". So far I have met some nice, honest people who just aren’t right for me but I have a date tonight so you never know! "

You are a very nice trusting person who has not yet figured out how men can be ever so wonderful for their own gain.

Being I am 60+ with much more experience and caution do be very careful.

You have met some nice honest people? Really?
That usually takes time to understand the thinking of one in order to realize how nice he is towards you.

I understand your situation and this is a way to find companionship.
This I don’t expect you to understand. But, good luck.
Claire

written by a lady who needs help, 01 November, 2009
Im in the same boat too, this MM was my first boyfriend back when I was a teen, were both married now but he still tried to contact me and realized that we love each other. He’s family and friends didnt like his wife, the attitude and so forth (his wife is 10 yrs older than him). he made so much so promises that he will leave his wife but now things suddenly changed, he had so many excuses not living his wife coz of their child and found out that they are still trying to have another baby... I left him, but he is still trying to convince me that someday we will be together again for good... Now, i am trying to hide from him.. i dont know what to do...
written by Cclaire, 01 November, 2009
Hi Ladies,

This is a post I submitted last year and feel it has some help.

written by Clarise, 24 January, 2009

When I was in therapy with a lovely person named Sylvia, I discovered having an affair made up for an abusive father.

The details are difficult to write and read. The key: forgiveness allowed closure.

Sex was not involved, with my MM # 1 but it was an infatuation which could have easily led to the bedroom.
I was looking for that man who will bring us happiness, (replace daddy) making me whole.

It deals with addiction and our heart and how we want so much to hang on hoping against hope he will leave her.

BUT THEY NEVER DO. My MM promised.

Then as the weeks went by his story changed.
My sons didn’t ask to be born. How could I possibly hurt four hearts. So that made me feel real fine.
What am I chopped liver? Um........ yeah, just about.

I should have been tired of his promises – time and time again; it was the INTIMACY being simply outstanding.

Don’t blame yourself for having a NEED to be loved. This is something each person should be entitled; even in complicated situations.

There are some women who love their MM so completely; nothing else matters. This is when a woman will resign herself to the fact HE SHALL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE. Many couples live this way for years.

These are not mean, nasty, calculating women. Rather, they are most giving in the most complicated, difficult circumstance because their love is so pure and delicious she cannot leave.

But after a while when the holidays come around loneliness settles.

Thanksgiving is spent with family.
Christmas day he is opening gifts with his loving wife and he need his children.......
New Year’s Eve is spent with friends; thinking of him.

Consider your MM. It’s all about history and being married before friends and family. Decorating the holiday tree, going on summer vacations, spending time with his wife when she has their baby.
Picking out furniture for their new home. Having dinner with family and friends. Their favorite restaurant. History is the glue which keeps him tied to her apron strings.
Unless the history is so unpleasant he needs a loving friendship.

Here is a wonderful cure.
Do discover HE is an addiction and do treat it as such.
So how do I stop feeling so horrible. When will the pain go away?

Love yourselves more than you love him. There is a wonderful sense of respect and FREEDOM OF HIM which quickly becomes a major factor when you realize you don’t need him.

He’s not a jerk. The man you describe has character and is deeply in love with a warm caring person who also thrives on being needed with reverence.

And I still love him. What do I do?
It feels so wonderful and I have never felt this way in my life.
I can’t leave him.

When I fell for MM #2 you would think I learned.
It was difficult. He was sexy and his English accent is amazingly charming.

YOU will have your self respect and I know you miss him so much you would walk through fire if you could just have one more moment with this man you love.

My problem was being STUCK.
We are nurturers. I want to collect puppy dogs with sad eyes and loving arm.

The addiction will happen all over again and it’s very difficult I know.
I broke up with my MM about 5 times. Then I just stopped.
I was an emotional mess. Therapy was necessary.

Finally there is this wonderful feeling of I don’t need him in my life to be complete and whole.

You know I still crave him like chocolate.
I have an alcoholic personality and found therapy to be amazingly helpful.

I have so much respect and admiration for those struggling. One day
you shall wake and feel whole again.

Not all men are losers. Many men are hopelessly in love with someone other than his wife. This is difficult because you are saying I should have more.

Do I remain in a loving friendship where the rewards are wonderful or do I leave and never taste such sweet love?

He is not out to hurt you or injure you with undo harm; instead he’s dying inside as you are dear lady. Stay or Leave.

Some men cannot and usually never leave their home.
And you will notice it’s never the right time.
When the kids grow up and get married.

This is a bigger draw for him. Now he’s a grandfather at 50-something and could never leave. The bond with his wife has become stronger.

Each circumstance is filled with differences and we have needs only you can judge and decide.

Dear Lady, in case you were not looking; it is you who shows kindness and with a gentle spirit. Thank you for your sincere words.

Be happy and do take care.
This shall work itself out or you will find someone on that white steed.
Who was that masked man? : )

My blessing to you,
Claire

Votes: 4

written by Brandii, 07 November, 2009
I also fell for a married men, we didn’t sleep with each other but were in love so I thought he would tell me that he never loved anyone like this before and asked me if I wanted him to leave his wife for me, I told him NO that he had to leave because he wanted to and he said that he was going do, once when he tried to leave his two boys cried so he went back. I suppose all along that I knew he wasn’t going anywhere even if I moved close to him he would have never left until he was ready. It was something silly that made me realize it, he said he was going to tell her and leave and that he had to paint his kitchen I thought to myself why are you painting a kitchen of a house that your moving from I knew than he wasn’t going anywhere when I mention this to him he sent me a e-mail saying only BYE and I never heard from him again. I guess he wasn’t really that much in love after all, I was heartbroken and still wonder how he could leave so easy when he claimed to love me like he has never been in love before. I recently tried to send him a message just to say hi, its been very years now and didn’t get a reply from him but from his future second wife, who told me to get lost and get the hint. So I guess he still hasn’t changed much. I don’t get why men just don’t come right out and say GET LOST.
written by Cclaire, 10 November, 2009
Hi Brandi,

"I don’t get why men just don’t come right out and say GET LOST. "

I’m sorry for your pain.
Sometimes men need to be valued and need more than his wife and family.
So he found you.

You are one smart lady to recognize when he was painting THEIR kitchen was a giveaway he was not leaving home.

Sometimes men will truly believe they are in love when they are only in lust.
Be happy. You shall find someone worthy of your intelligence and love.

Blessing your way,
Claire
written by Confussed...., 10 November, 2009
I myself have been seeing a married man for the last 18 months. When I first met him i had no idea he was married. After the first date and the line...my wife wants a divorce..(after being married for only 22 months and a son that was One.)...realized it wasn’t going to happen. I told him don’t promise me the world and no I love you’s and we’ll be fine...about 8months into it..i got the I love you’s from him...and when I wouldn’t respond with I love you back..he questioned why? I told him i truly was but to have him leave me and go home to wife doesn’t really put me in a position to where I want to chip at my brick wall thats up. We have spent nights away together...telling his wife he as golf outings to go to but I know she knows about me because of the comments she will say to him about us. His wife is a great person...great mom and well educated but yet has no common sense...she had a great job but yet he will not make her pay any bill in the house..car payments..mortgages..nothing except groceries. So he feels if they get divorced he has a lot to lose. He gets from me comfort...support...friendship and all of the above. I question myself everyday if he will every leave her..if he does...will I want to be with a cheater? I love everything about him and we get along great! I have met several of his friends and family members...yet i will not bring him into my personal life because it just makes it harder for everyone involved. I do however try to go on dates but usually it doesn’t even get past a phone call..I guess i’m looking for someone like him and i just havent found it yet....I have never nor will i every ask him to leave his wife...if its meant to be it will happen..so i guess i look at the situation half blinded with hopes of one day we will be together...and for guilt factors i have none for I am sure his wife knows but yet she continues to stay...oh and for him..he’s Italian so he said thats how he was raised.....????
written by ..., 11 November, 2009
I’ve read many of the posts. I’m in the same situation as many of you. I am neither stupid, nor am I naive. I thought I knew exactly what I was getting myself into and what I was searching for at the time. I’m in a lonely, sexless marriage and I’ve justified my affair as a way to gain personal gratification with no strings attached. A MM I’d known for many years wooed me to no end and I began to believe in him. This guy says he’s crazy in love with me – the love of his life. It has been 2 years. My problem now, is that I have fallen in love with him. I’ve heard his stories of why he can’t leave his wife right now – stories taken from the same pages as everyone else’s. He can’t leave his daughter for someone else to raise. He tells me "Our day will come". So, I wait. I’ve questioned my love for him. Well, I must be in love since I can’t stop thinking about him. The pain I feel when he’s too busy for me is overwhelming. The joy I get from a 2 minute phone call is crazy. The guilt I feel, and anger I project towards my husband when I get home is painful. I do know these relationships work from time to time (it did for my parents) but that is rare. I know the right thing to do is ditch him, but my heart is fighting it. What I’d really like to share is that the strength I feel from having read these stories makes me realize that I’m not a loser. I’m lonely, hurting and human. My feelings are real and there are people out there that would understand that. I should stop this affair. No matter how difficult it will be, it will be worth it. No woman deserves to be an afterthought. Nor does she deserve to be preyed upon for her compassion, understanding and acceptance of a ‘special’ relationship. All women deserve better.
written by Cclaire, 11 November, 2009
Hi Confused,

In that I have dear friends who are Italian I understand what he means.
In some cultures parents sometimes are more important than his wife
or family. Some -- not all.

There is a STRONG sense of need to make sure his mother is NEVER disappointed. Now I have many friends who do not act or react like this.

Then we have his wife who probably figured you were in the picture only because of his track record of cheating.

You have figured it out. Good for you. Of course you don’t want to be with a liar or someone who wants only one thing.

You want someone like him in certain ways. Tenderness, kindness, gentleness and most importantly respecting you.

Blessings to you and be happy,
Claire.

written by Get a clue, 12 November, 2009
Confused............."get unconfused" he’s married!! Tell him to call you when he’s divorced and what he and his wife does is their business. Quit being "available" and see how much he loves you!
written by Cclaire, 13 November, 2009
Dear written by ... ,

I read your post How difficult to be in an impossible marriage without any intimacy.

Your heart is breaking in a million pieces and I’d like to talk about some things.

Somehow you felt we would perceive you as stupid or naive.
Every person needs to be appreciated and loved deeply.
I certainly did with the wrong man. Oh he was amazingly charming.

My husband was a well known English professor in a college setting for many years. Long story short his students seemed more important to him than I at the time.

The important part of being a woman is knowing that someone loves us beyond life itself. Then little by little there is a sense of loss.

Our stores are all the same for one reason. Men are so damn pragmatic.
Or predicable. They shall forever ADORE, WORSHIP and NEED his wife.

Somehow she provides him a home and home is where he feels safe.
YES, I know. His marriage is horrible.
She doesn’t understand him.
He’s going to leave her -- I can feel it.

"Well, I must be in love since I can’t stop thinking about him. The pain I feel when he’s too busy for me is overwhelming. The joy I get from a 2 minute phone call is crazy."

Dear, when we are so much in love we are wrapped in a cloud of warmth and it is delicious. He is your addiction.

I feel so much pain and hurt and guilt coming from your words let’s just take one day at a time and learn how to deal with this addiction of yours.

You know he shall never leave her.
In the meanwhile I would like to see you in group therapy or call your local hospital. They offer tons of free help.

No, you’re not going crazy. Therapy may help you get back on track of who you were before you married.

I shall be here to help you.
Others are wonderfully supportive.
And there is a professional site to offer their help.

"What I’d really like to share is that the strength I feel from having read these stories makes me realize that I’m not a loser. I’m lonely, hurting and human. My feelings are real and there are people out there that would understand that. I should stop this affair. No matter how difficult it will be, it will be worth it. No woman deserves to be an afterthought. Nor does she deserve to be preyed upon for her compassion, understanding and acceptance of a ‘special’ relationship. All women deserve better."

Of course you’re not a loser and feeling lonely is horrible.
You are so right. No woman deserves this pain.
Don’t look now, but you are on the road of becoming a survivor.

Each day shall be difficult. Then one day you shall wake and you will realize you spent the day w/o thinking of him more than once.

You briefly mentioned your marriage. Only that it is loveless without care.
Is it shattered?
Could you restore your moments and seek marriage counseling?

Take care and know you will be fine.

Blessings your way,

Claire

written by brokenwife, 16 November, 2009
Dear by,,,,,,
I was reading your post,
You have answered your own question, Let go and live.
Take the steps you need to take and move on with your life.I’m sure your feelings are real,But he is married.
And as stated so many times on this board he will not leave his wife.
Give your love to someone who is free to love you back the same.
I wish you luck
I do hope that you take the steps and move on.
You will be so much happier,cheating really sucks.
And cheating hurts both parties involved.
good luck to you
written by brokenwife, 16 November, 2009
dear by,,,,,
I reread your post.
Dear you are married !!!! I don’t understand why it is so difficult for you to make a choice.The man you are in love with is married,has told you he cannot leave.
Move on with your marriage,put your love back into your marriage and you will find happiness or you will end your marriage.Don’t wait for a man who isn’t going to leave his wife but is using you for his own selfish needs.
promises, promises,
How long are you willing to play seconds ??? smilies/wink.gif
written by Cclaire, 17 November, 2009
To: Lost Battle,

Exactly!!!
Women seem to settle for crumbs.
Imagine.

How easy it is to be unemotional and so very pragmatic when one is hurting.
This should be a place of comfort and care.

Claire

written by stoopid idiot, 24 November, 2009
sorry this is long.. gonna have to do it in 2 posts. i just need to get it out there...

Reading all your posts has helped me so much.
I too fell for the mm.. (only seeing him for a 3 month period)
We met online.. met up for a chat and slowly and very unintentionally fell in love with each other.

I got the ‘I married her because she was pregnant’.
His is an 11 year marriage spent with him being in the army for all but the past 3 years, he has a job that means his away virtually all weekdays.

He told me she was a sufferer of depression she had tried to kill herself in the pats and he stayed because the routine and she needed him but he never felt ‘in love’ with her although he loved her and cared for her.

He said with me he felt alive and happy and how love should be. He didn’t do the things with her he had with me.. the cuddles.. talking about anything and everything. He said I made him feel alive, happy and a reason to go on. he loved me and wanted to leave her and be with me.

The guilt eat me up.. I would never wish that on anyone. I told him I couldn’t do it no more countless times. He begged me not to end it.

I let this guy into my home, he met my children and it felt good. We felt like a couple making love . we didn’t always have sex. We just lay cuddled up talking till we fell asleep in each others arms.

But in my heart I knew I was getting the crumbs, if he loved me like he said, he wouldn’t do this knowing id cry myself to sleep over the guilt.. I was the one sat lonely at the weekends knowing he was with her. he said he was sleeping on the sofa and I genuinely believe him as he would ring in the night.

We spent hours on the phone every day and he sent me notes saying he loved me.
He went out in public with me. Sent me love notes on face book. Where people could see. He said in a way he wanted to get found out so he could be with me.

Anyways I decided in my head that this was all wrong and not fair on anyone. I tried to not ask questions about his wife. I knew it would hurt me to think of her as human being like me with feelings.. she didn’t deserve this and I was selfish to continue the lie.
he confessed that she had just been in hospital for a small op. that was it for me.. I told him to go be with her. She needed his support. But he refused to let me go.. begging and said he would go tell her there and then because he didn’t want to lose his chance at happiness with me and that he loved me so much.
Knowing her condition I said he could have 2 weeks to end it either way. He couldn’t put it on her right then, it wouldn’t be right.

We talked and talked and I just felt dead with the pain and guilt. We were both getting ill over it all. The following weekend after her op and a 3 hour call with me wanting the lies over. He walked in and she questioned where he had been. He told her he didn’t want to come home as he didn’t love her and hated going home.

written by stoopid idiot, 24 November, 2009
The following day he admitted to seeing someone else. But didn’t tell her we had been sleeping together.

To me it was such a relief that it was out there in the open. He told me to be strong and all he could think about was me.
The following day I got a message saying he couldn’t go through with it. He had been to the doctors and diagnosed as depressed and his mother broke down and begged him not to do it. His wife begged him to work through it and sort it out. He said he just had to go along with it because he feared them hating him, he didn’t have the strength anymore.

I told him he was gutless and living a lie. The issues were always going to be there.
Breaking up was never going to be easy, it hurts like mad. He was kidding himself and cheating her. He would go off again and try to seek that feeling that was missing with someone else. I know he has cheated on her before.
I wanted to hate him, I wanted to call him all the names under the sun. I love him. I love him in my heart. Despite my tears and pain. I wished him well. Pick yourself up I said.. your under a lot of stress and don’t ever do this again to anyone. Follow your heart. But if you cant do it, I accept it make things right with your wife. I told him I hope it eats him up forever but I felt relieved I could breathe again and try and forgive myself.

Later that day after I had driven home crying all the way, she rang me. She had got his phone bill and called. She was crying and asked if we had slept together. I lied and said no.. I felt that if I lied maybe they had a chance.. I had lost mine but maybe something positive could come out. She said she never blamed me. He was the married one. She had been a good wife and was not a bad person he was ripping the family apart. She asked if he ended it. I said it was a mutual agreement. The guilt was just too much for me and I gave him deadlines. The conversation was a blurr. I was emotionally dead and numb at the time.. I still cant remember what was said.. but she thanked me for being honest.. I went in after and cried and cried.. honest?? I hadn’t admitted to sleeping with him, I was continuing the lie. He text me later that day saying he expected me to throw this back in his face..but how he never said thankyou.

Its been a day since this all happened the first time we haven’t spoke since it all began.
Ive cried me a river. Confided in a friend for the first time. I felt such a scumbag for doing this in the first place..my heart has been ripped out. Ive been very alone living this guilt for the past 3 months, . I haven’t eaten for days and feel I don’t deserve to be alive. Im trying to be strong. Because my children cant know. I don’t want them to find out I knew this guy was married. I try to install good morals in them, despite my lack of them. I cant be sad in front of them. My heart is broken and I know ill be judged for this. I cant bring myself to hate him.. I don’t know whos more pathetic. Him for being a gutless lying coward. Her for clinging to him knowing he doesn’t have them feelings for her and is capable of cheating on her. Or me for allowing myself to get everyone in this situation. I have to live with this but my heart yearns for him. I will not contact him. If he truly loved me I know he would do the right thing. If you love some one, set them free I guess…

written by Cclaire, 25 November, 2009
Dear Stupid Idiot,

First off you are anything but stupid.

Let’s talk about something so you can feel good about yourself.

"I don’t know whos more pathetic. Him for being a gutless lying coward.
Her for clinging to him knowing he doesn’t have them feelings for her and is capable of cheating on her.

Or me for allowing myself to get everyone in this situation. I have to live with this but my heart yearns for him. I will not contact him. If he truly loved me I know he would do the right thing. If you love some one, set them free I guess… "

As you have read many posts which mirror your very situation, do yourself a big favor and understand YOU CANNOT BELIEVE A MAN WHEN HE SAYS MY WIFE.....

Men shall never leave their wives.
In actuality they never do intend to leave.

Home is where it is safe and content. Even though she is suffering depression it is still his home. Men are pragmatic and feel the need to protect one’s wife.
It is the natural order of their thinking. Plus he has his mother nagging him too.

Yes, she is suffering depression for obvious reasons.
Dear, keep in mind you might not his first moment of him cheating.

Forget him and realize what seemed heavenly for you was sometimes can be only a challenge for him

How do you know they don’t cuddle or make love?
This is the biggest mistake women make is believing a liar and a cheat.

Spend time with those good friends and family.
I promise you one morning you shall wake and for the first time won’t think of him. But, it takes time for your to find yourself once again.

Therapy is most helpful.
Be happy and concentrate on your lovely children.
YOU are a GOOD person who didn’t mean to fall in love.

Nor did you want this pain.
My Blessing your way,
Claire

written by brokenwife, 26 November, 2009
to Claire,
Did I say something wrong?
To all the ladies,
I’m sorry for your pain,I am in pain also,My husband is one of those cheating and lying to another woman,I only wish she had the guts to talk to me.
I feel sorry for her and her heart
Best wishes to all
written by fac0, 02 December, 2009
This is so tru, they are gutless cowards and have no balls. This is what makes them start an affair and it is what makes them go back to their wifes/girlfriends after they fool your head.
If a man is happy at home, he doesnt need an affair right? If he isnt he got 3 choices: 1st – have the guts to resolve whatever problem there is 2nd – have the courage to break up from his current relationship 3rd – be a coward and run away from this problem to someone else.
Once the affair is born, you fall in love, he falls in love, you are together for months or years or even have kids together, you are willing to leave your spouse (if you have) he promises he will too. What happens? His character comes out again, (reminder: gutless coward is good enough description) its been sleeping under the fluffy blanket of attention you have been getting and the chemistry you are perceiving between you too magnified by the adrenaline of possibility of being found out. End result: He goes back to his wife as that is the least risky and more comfortable thing to do. He is not capable of leaving her (and his family if he has) because he has no balls for that and thats why the affair started too. He is a coward. It requires less courage to start an affair than to solve a serious problem or end a relationship.
I have been in relationship with, we can say a MM for two years and i had a boyfriend who i been cheating on that long. I am single now and stopped contact with MM. Best thing you can do!
Congratulations to the ladies who got their MMs, i was wishing this and i would have admired you back than, now i know it is not your super powers what got you the man it is him who made the decision and acted! Actions are worth 1000 words! Dont waist your time with cowards.
More comments from men please, they are so helpful to know what you are thinking and feeling firsthand. And let us know what are your relationships like after the affairs. thanks
written by brokenwife, 03 December, 2009
Faco,
Your post is true so so true
Men who do this are liars and cowards,my husband has done this and has denied it with every breath he takes.He has been ill which has affected his brain and his thinking rationally,But I no longer believe that getting involved with another woman and lying and destroying me emotionally is a reasonable excuse.
I am here with him now,I’m not sure I will stay I don’t know if I can forgive his actions,because I have to live with a reminder the remaining days of my life.
So whats his excuse for not useing protection? did his mental block affect that also.
there is so much anger built inside of me from this,and the woman he was seeing knew about me,knew he wasn’t going to leave home but felt it was alright for her to also sneak around with my husband.
cheating and lies that all it is and we wives are suppossed to forgive and forget like it never happened.
all you ladies need to contact the spouse and lay the affair on the table see what your mm does then.
he will most likely lie even more to save his own sorry ass.
best of luck to you all.
my heart aches for all the pain i have endured and all the love and years i’ve put into this marriage i did not deserve this type of deception.
and to have this tramp smile in face daily knowing what she was doing behind my back and also her husbands back.
no morals no dignity thats just how I see it all and no self respect for themselves or anyone in their life.
my best wishes to all to walk out of these situations he is a liar playing a selfish game.
mine said he never ever had any intentions of ever leaving me,but thats not what he was telling her.smilies/angry.gif
they are cowards and are selfish liars.
written by Redhead32, 04 December, 2009
I have been in love with him for 5 years, since we met. At the time he was separated from his wife, and he said they were getting a divorce. After about a month, we both admitted that we were in love, but this love scared me. I had just left a bad marriage months before, and was newly divorced and wasn’t sure that I wanted such a serious relationship right away, so we took a step back. I eventually started talking to him again, but he and his wife had reconciled, and he claimed he was happy, so we agreed to be friends. I met someone, became pregnant, and was married again. This marriage also fell apart, due to many issues on his part, drinking, drugs, and so on. Well, I never stopped loving the man who was married, still do to this day. Although he lives in another state now, he claims his marriage isn’t working, and that he eventually wants to leave, but his daughter is still young, and he couldn’t just leave her. We talk all the time, we have never had sex, although both of us want to. I have always felt that he is the one, no matter where I am in life, or what I do, I am always comparing men to him, and no one matches up. He is successful, working on his doctorates right now, is loving, loves to spend money on me, and says he is so in love with me, has never felt like this about anyone else, everything I want to hear I guess. I just feel so stupid for thinking he will ever leave her. I think he is scared to, after so many years. I do think he cares for me, but is being irrational to think he can have both of us. I have told him before that its either her or me, he can’t have both, but then he keeps saying that well, if you just let me get close enough to you, then I might have the strenght to leave her. I have a wall up, and I intend on keeping it up until I know for sure what he wants. I read through all these posts, and everyone here sounds like they have the exact same problem I do. I felt that he and I were special, and that love would eventually rule out, and that we could be together. Maybe its time to just let go, to move on. It will be hard, but I can’t just spend the rest of my life wondering, is he ever going to leave her? His daughter will get older and older, and he will still be saying, this isn’t the right time, give me more time. I have realized that I think rationally, except for when it comes to him. I tend to let my feelings drive me, pushing aside everything that I know, and everything that people tell me, just because I say, well what if I am the exception to the rule? I am starting to realize I don’t want to wait around forever, and what if mr. right comes along, while mr. I am married is making up his mind?
written by Redhead32, 04 December, 2009
I met him at college, he was everything I ever hoped to find in a man. Then I found out he was married. I ended it, but now he doesn’t leave me alone. He says that he loves me, and that his situation is