Past Comments – Discovered my husband has been cheating for seven years

written by ang_ei12, 15 April, 2008

I agree that you should take your time over this before you make a decision. It is not going to be easy because as the experts rightly say, your sense of security has been shattered. Also, its coming to terms with the deceit that is very difficult to do. I have been and to some extent still am, in a similar situation to yours. I accidentally discovered my husband’s affair over 2 years ago now. A lot of words have been spoken since then, a lot of tears have been shed on my part, a lot of mistakes have been made, but I decided not to rush into things and take my time before making a decision. I didn’t do this conscientiously, more because I was so shocked and afraid of what to do next. Anyway, during this time I have discovered things about myself that I had forgotten, I am seeing my husband in a different light and generally have come to terms with the fact that I had somehow lost sight of who I was and had never really known my husband for who he really is, but for who I wanted him to be. I will never really know the reason why my husband has had this affair and most probably neither will you about your husband. The truth might be quite simple or perhaps very complicated. I think in my husband’s case, he did it because she works with him, paid him lots of attention and he kind of created another life outside our home, to help him cope with the fact that he lives an ordinary life with me and yes, thats all there is to life, for some people anyway. I think a lot of men do it for the variety and in their opinion, to relieve the "boredom" of living an ordinary life. Women perhaps accept their life for what it is and don’t look to make it more exciting by having affairs, or perhaps they are more aware of the consequences. There are always exceptions of course. I am sure that your husband does love you, like I am sure my husband loves me, but I don’t know whether it is enough to stop them straying again. The bottom line rests with you. Given time, one day you will know what kind of life you want to live, whether its a life wondering what your husband is doing when he is not with you, or whether you learn to trust and rely on yourself for your well being and security, but still have your husband in your life but in a way, on your own different terms, as you are now aware of what he is capable of, so, if you want to, you can create a completely different marriage. It has taken me 2 years to start getting over the shock, but, now that I don’t expect anything from him and in a way I am more in charge of my life, things seem a lot better. Hope this helps. Good luck.

written by sanda pru, 29 May, 2008

I had the same story like you. I’m married for 18 years with 3 children and just discovered my husband is having an affair for more than 10 years with a same lady. He works and stays mostly another country.

written by sonrisa, 30 January, 2009

I’m really sorry to hear your story. I just found out that the person I said I do to has been having a affair for four years. (I wasn’t surprised, thought so but could not prove it) None the less it hurts. I married and older man is retired and has spent all and I do mean all of his money on her. (he said the she was black mailing him)that she would tell me, and she did when he had no more money to give her. Do I feel sorry for him HELL NO he got what he ask for when you pick up trash that is what you get. He has no money and a good thing we did not share accounts. It will make me feel so good to leave him when he is at a low. If you think you guys can make it work I say go for it, will you ever trust him NO! there is no way possible. Even if you do not say anything out loud you will say it in your heart and mind. If you stay with him you will have to lay down rules and show him that you mean it if he steps a half inch out of place. I’m not a very tolerant person and I know if I stay it would only be to make him unhappy. (it is not worth it for me. I’m still young thin and sexy with no children. I will not look back. I did not deserve what he did to me.

What ever choice you make I pray for your happiness.

GOOD LUCK

written by Sacramento, 23 November, 2009

Same story different outcome. I discovered my husband cheating and guess what, there is a child involved. This really hurt because we have 2 children together and he has 1 outside child that was conceived during our relationship. I forgave him and 10 years later here we go again. I’m so confused and hurt and just don’t know what to do. Help!

written by vern, 29 January, 2010

It’s sad to hear your story, but only you can make that decision if you plan to stay. it’s very hard to forgive, and do it twice. My Husband told me this year also that he had an affair with a lady for 8years on & off that he met in a bar. I was so mad i felt like I was having a panic attack. I want him gone right away , but i want to know when,how,and why. I cheated on him years ago , do you think thats the reason why he cheated on me? I always bitch at him all the time I dont let him have any friends. What should I do

written by being cheated to many times.., 11 November, 2010

Hi, I being with my husband for 10 years and in august we have our 3rd daughter and he confess the he was cheating on me for the las 9 years since we had our first child , i think Im still on shock, he said he cheat on me just with prostitutes that makes any difference?? my mum came to stay with me during the pregnancy she just left and now im feel hopeless, lonely and really depress, got a new baby and trying to work thru this rubbish. I cant stop thinking of the cheating husband, the i got, I will be ever ready to forgive him and forget???

written by surviving, 02 December, 2010

I have been married for 24 years. I found out last year that he has been seeing prostitutes for at least 19 years. I ran across the proof and confronted him. I decided to stay because he has been remorseful and genuine with the sorrow he has caused both of us. He has been living his life wide open since the discovery. The one year anniversary of the discovery is coming up and I am struggling. I know for me and us I made the right decision in staying and am glad that I did. There have been a lot of ups and downs but we are still working on things. I am hoping the pain will ease with time. I am still having trouble saying the words "I forgive you". It has not been easy but I do see light at the end of the tunnel.

written by the other woman, 21 March, 2011

Ladies your men will always cheat. They will text her while you sleep the will call her while their in the bathroom. They will call her while they are at work. She will actually spend more time with him than you will. And you will be the one doing his laundry and cooking his meals while she reaps all the benefits of his money and his love.

written by Mrs. Maine Potato, 24 March, 2011

I feel the expert’s opinion is one-size-fits-all. This is a seven-year affair. That involves a tremendous amount of deceit. It is not an impulsive act. It is not an infatuation. It is a case of sustained, chronic deceit and betrayal.
When I discovered that my husband had been having an affair with a colleague for seven years I knew almost immediately that our marriage would never survive. I could not imagine how we’d ever put it behind us. Bottom line: He was not the man I thought he was. More than a year has passed since my discovery, and I feel the same, only more so.
To be fair, this was not the first time my husband cheated. By the time this last affair was discovered, I had stuffed away a fair amount of distrust and resentment. Nevertheless, I had convinced myself that those previous two (perhaps three) incidents were just mistakes, brief lapses in judgment from a man who was better, more honest, than that. Confronted with a seven-year affair, that excuse no longer worked. And I had no stomach to once again go through the tension and negotiation of reconciliation.
My advice to the poster is move on and get the best settlement you can. Seven years is too long. Your husband had plenty of time to change his behavior. He chose instead to lie and betray. That is part of who he is.

written by devi, may 17th 2011, 17 May, 2011

i just found out my husband cheat on me 2 weeks ago. i work fulltime, make more money than him, taking care 2 our daughters. i feel depressed, wondering why he did this to me. i have been married for 13 years and faithful to him. after that day, he cried and promised me that he will not do it again. but part of me, cannot trust him anymore. i am really want to leave him, but he has no stabile job. and i am afraid that this incident will affect my children. please can anybody help me?

written by....nightingale, Dec 2011, 03 January, 2012

...I know how hard it is emotionally, physically and psychologically. I am married for 14 yrs now and my husband betrayed and cheated on me during our 1st yr of marriage. It is also the reason why he lost his job. And over those years I became the sole breadwinner trying to keep both ends met. We only have one child during that time then was ensued with two and one more. During those times I was then too young to handle such marital problem but I have surmount it through fervent prayers and help from others. I could not imagine how i was able to handle the unbearable events and circumstances. But I was able to confront my husband and he promised to stay put on our marriage. As years goes by, I could always sense if my husband is doing something fishy or not but he is very wise, he is works just like an FBI that is why you could hardly see traces of what he is doing. But as I said woman’s intuition is far more reliable that anything else. Lately, my life was shattered again after discovering that my husband had been chasing his past mistresses and at the same time having an affair with 4 more other women at the same time (though I am not so certain of the extent of his relationship with these women). I discovered this thru his messages to these women. It was devastating, I was torn into pieces. All the while I thought my husband is going straight since he showed in fairness how he treasures our family since he had been a stay home husband and had been caring for our 4 children. But, why this things has to happen again? That’s a big question on me since he wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong. He just tell me that I will not worry since he loves his family and he is not doing anything wrong. I could not actually connect how can a man tell he loves 4 or more women at the same time and says he is not doing anything wrong or something. That is the big problem since their is no sincere acceptance of what he has done, what he is saying is that he promise that when he comes home his soul will be cleansed. With my husband’s statement, do you think he will be keeping his promise this time? It’s so difficult to regain the trust though I am trying very hard. Please share me your candid thoughts and ideas. Thank you so much.

written by MADBLackwOMAN, 11 January, 2012

YOU NEED TO LEAVE!!!! My boyfriend had me pregnant and another girl pregnant @ the same time and but unfortunately I did not keep mine! It was too painful to be pregnant @ the same time she was and being that I was in a relationship with him it was easier for him to put the pressure on me to get rid of it by saying this is going to be stressful two women pregnant @ the same this and that! I regret it to this day that I met him and a year later I am still resentful and angry! She went on and had hers while im sitting here still piss! You will NEVER trust him again NEVER and he will cheat again! The chick the my boyfriend had pregnant was the second girl that he cheated on me with! Dont stick around for the BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

written by Sad Lady, 12 March, 2012

My husband told me 2 months ago that he has been cheating now for the last year, it destroyed me I have three young children and never even suspected this! he runs his own biusness and always told me he was working late, I believed him! then to put the icing on the cake she calls me to tell me how good their relationship was, the stories she tells and the story he tells are very different she claims it went on much longer and now I dont know who to believe or what to do. I find myself crying all the time like a weak little girl! All I ever wanted was a happy family I love my children and my husband and im not sure what I could have done to deserve all this pain!

written by Disappointed, 23 March, 2012

I have been married for 30 years. My husband has never been faithful. He always manage to have phones of any lady he talks to. He has been in a sexual relationship with her for ten year or longer. She is twenty years younger. He created a new gmail account, oovoo, cell phone communication with her. He never confessed. I discovered the affair ten years ago, he has never stopped communicating with her. When she moved out of state, he never stopped the communication. I just discovered last august when he left is gmail account open. I don’t thin I can ever trust him.

written by disillusioned forever, 26 April, 2012

I have spent 10-12 years expending a great deal of mental energy putting up the facade that our marriage is OK -- happy is too big a stretch, but OK was acceptable. For the kids of course, but the community around us too. We’ve been international expats for many years, and separating would mean the kids didn’t see their father much at all. As unhappy as I was I felt that their future would be more successful if they had two parents full time, one being a stay home mom. My husband and I deal civilly and respectfully with each other so all family and friends may end up being quite surprised when the truth comes out. And come out it will. I’d known my husband’s feeling about me for years as he was brutally honest enough to tell me to my face. The very first time he told me I felt someone had punched me in the gut. How did things arrive at this point I wondered. Well he repeated the sentiment occasionally over the years so I did know how things stood. But if I thought a dignified separation after the youngest graduated would be the approach. Well, that time is nearly here but lo and behold things are crashing around my ears a little early, and not in a dignified way, and the 18 year old has known for 3 years and carried the burden of worrying about me, being stressed, losing sleep, etc. It all came into the open when he confronted his father who admitted he is cheating. That was my first concrete evidence, but since I’d mentally accepted we were through I dealt with it. But it turns out there have been others which was a bit harder for me to deal with. But the real stunner, and I’m not sure I can even share this with the kids, is that he has been supporting a mistress for the past 8 years. I discovered this yesterday because I started catching up on filing and looking at bank records, and decided there is far more cash running thru our fingers than actually is spent by us. I confronted him, and although he tried to refuse to talk to me about it I insisted. I mean, WTF? Like he should be entitled to privacy? I gave him my youth, gave up my prime bread-winning years to raise our two awesome kids, and although I knew we were unhappy and eventually headed for divorce, this revelation of an 8 year affair has made a complete mockery of all the effort I put in trying create a semblance of family life. It now taints everything. The reason I’m not sure I can tell the kids about the long-term affair vs the recent cheating is that it might make them wonder if anything was real in their past. By the way, the long term affair continues, the recently developed relationship with the colleague, and a flurry of activity on expensive dating websites with beautiful eastern European and Russian women is all happening simultaneously. Ya, the sooner I’m gone the better. I cannot believe I didn’t know about any of this, and feel like the biggest dupe/idiot/laughing stock. I can honestly say I DO NOT recommend marriage, and having a smart, beautiful, tender-hearted 21 year-old daughter (who knows none of this yet although her brother does) fill me with fear for her future happiness. Because no matter how sure she may eventually feel she loves a man and wants to commit to marriage, the flaming, heart-breaking end will eventually come. It is just a matter of when. I say pursue happiness in a relationship, but don’t waste time with marriage. Do not trust your emotional or financial security to a man I say. Felt good to vent all this. Sayonara.

written by Bubs, 08 July, 2012

I’ve been married for 7 years n hes been away in another country. We managed to keep this distant relationship alive n I visited him quite few times. Last year we had our first child. I went to see him with my baby boy n found out that he has got married to the girl he has been dating for 3 bluming years. I’m devastated. I want to end this relationship asap cuz he has no love n no respect for me n my son. All he is waiting for is money n visa. I feel like reversing the time. I wish I would never had met such a cunt n fell in love with him. I love him to bits, did what pleased him n waited for him for 4 years in order to start my family life. He put all those joys in someone else’s hands that i had been waiting for. My son deserves to have a home,loving dad but he has been deprived of all those joys due to a bitch in our life. He is still insisting n lying that he is innocent but I dont trust him a bit now. What do i do when he is not ready for separation yet as it is far too soon than he actually planned? His constant denial makes me feel more humiliated, heart-broken.On top of that he keeps degrading me considering me his big mistake. He does not realize he is a shit himself.