My wife has cheated and lied to me repeatedly throughout our relationship

I caught my wife in an affair 7 years ago. I walked into our room and she had not closed out her last Internet session. When I pulled up the web, there it was pictures, letters, etc. I’m pretty sure I was actually in shock for most everyday since. We had a 2-year-old boy at the time and had just relocated halfway across the country so she could be closer to her family. I moved away from family, friends, and job in an attempt to make her happier. My wife was primary a stay at home wife since the time we were together and married at 18. She has worked a few times in the past 12 years, but never more than a few months at each time. I really thought we were doing good and then I find my wife sending love letters and pictures to a guy online 3 years after we’re married. I confronted her with it all and she denied any sexual involvement for a few days before coming out and "telling the truth". I was scared, hurt, confused. I didn’t know what to do and ultimately stayed with her because I loved her and the shock that still grips me.

Time went by and two more kids have come, but through everything we’d continue to talk about the affair, as was suggested by most sites, as a way to identify what was wrong with our relationship that led her to that level of betrayal. The more we talked, the more obvious it became that she still wasn’t being honest about all that had happened. Her lack of honesty was the biggest source of our arguments for the better part of the next six years or so. I would tell her that she was leaving me out on an island with my imagination to fill in very large holes in her story, but she’d still lie, deny, and fight to keep from sharing details about what had happened that I believe I’m entitled too. She will readily admit the affair wasn’t about anything I wasn’t doing, but more so just her desire for flattery and attention. I felt like by knowing the details of everything that transpired, I could better understand her thought process, intent, and desire for the affair to have ever even occurred. When her lying became obvious, then it became an issue of respect for me and my efforts to salvage the marriage.

For years her lies persisted, until one day her growing faith "led" her to finally tell the truth. What followed eight months ago was an admission of four, FOUR more affairs! We had tried counseling, but she was told by each of the three professionals that we meet with that her lack of honesty and her excuses were not helping our matter and yet nothing of these additional affairs then? One of her affairs began three weeks after we started dating. She had slept with her old boyfriend for a few weeks after we had been dating. She had been out of that relationship for 7 months before we were together, so I thought it was safe by then. She also hooked back up with him when she bought our kids to visit my family while I stayed back and worked. That same trip, she was introduced to a friend of a friend while out spending time with old classmates that she ended up sleeping with that night (this was the guy I found out about from the computer).

There were two more people in-between, a couple of encounters each. Her stories have changed everyday almost since then about the details of what had happened. Two kids later and now she decides to tell me! After changing details of her affairs over and over again, for years, just a week ago she sits down and tells me another "final truth", but I don’t believe her. I undeniably have feelings for her and probably love her, but I can’t forgive, trust, or forget all that she has done for too long now. Every single day I shake, am ravaged by the reality of my wife’s betrayal, and feel like my life has been on a downward spiral since learning of her additional transgressions. Was I wrong for asking for the sexual details of the affair? How can I salvage any sense of self while staying a part of this marriage?

I don’t want to leave because of the kids and partially because of my feelings for her, but cannot see a way past this hurt, anger, and her needs to put her past away. Please, any suggestion would be greatly appreciated and welcomed. I’m barely hanging on at this point. I’m afraid that I’m within days of walking out on her and dealing my kids a blow that I never wanted for them. I’ve contacted a lawyer already and feel like the end is near. I’m a little tired of everyone telling me it will be all right too. Don’t I have the right to leave? Why can’t I get my head and heart on the sane page again? Please help me. Thank you sincerely from a very worn and anxious heart.

Response:

Romantic relationships are built on trust – the idea that a partner keeps his or her word and has your best intentions at heart. Your wife’s behavior makes it difficult for you to do that. She cheated on your from early on in your relationship, hid the facts from you, and never came clean when she had the chance. The whole point of coming clean is so that the two of you can put the incident behind you.

Given your wife’s pattern of behavior—her multiple betrayals and dripping the truth out slowly so that it cuts you to the core – raises a question: Would you do that to someone you love? Think about how you would like to be treated and don’t accept less from others.

Dealing with the kids and your feelings is a serious issue. Talking to a counselor, own your own, can help you through this difficult transition.

cheating wife | end of relationship | lying wife

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