My Insecurities Caused Me To Cheat

I fell in love with my girlfriend quickly after breaking up with a previous one, on accident. I wasn't looking for anyone, I was happy with myself, and I was just having fun in college. I stumbled upon this new girl, and we could not be separated. I think we went 90 days in a row of hanging out. It was amazing, and we were so in love.

I went home for thanksgiving break, agreed to see my ex, told my current girlfriend I was going to see her, but ended up being unfaithful. I'm not sure why, because I did not want to be with my ex, but somehow her words and her emotions made me hookup with her. We had sex twice that night (although, not for more than 15 minutes). When I returned to school, I told my current girlfriend, she took me back, but I never revealed the whole story.

I said that I only had sex once, and I didn't finish. This, was a lie. However, after she took me back and we started to work together to regain trust, I became extremely untrustworthy of the world. I thought that people were trying to get with my girlfriend, even though they were my friends. I was worried that my girlfriend would get too drunk and do something that she would regret. I became jealous, over analytical, and a little possessive. This went on for a few months, and eventually, I cheated on her again. This time, out of insecurity, with someone I didn't know, and was not at ALL attracted to. This happened again. And again. And again. I never told my girlfriend, and the guilt started to keep building. She loved me so much, and I thought I loved her too, but I continually cheated on her out of fear of being left or cheated on. I would go to extreme lengths to convince her that the rumors weren't true.

Just last week, I came clean. On everything. All 8 girls, and even the initial white lie from the first time I cheated. She was devastated, threw shit at me, and told me to never talk to her again. Now, she is a strong woman and I am convinced that I will not win her back unless it is in over at least 6 months, but I want to know how to deal with this. We go to a small college and hang out with the same frats and sororities. It's hard enough to be in the same room with her, let alone drinking at a party with flirting AND in the same room as her. She says that she isn't out to spite me, but if she hooks up with one of my friends that she doesn't give a shit because there are no boundaries for her anymore. Understandable. I just don't know what to do with coping. I guess my question is just, help? I love her and I want her back. I clearly need to figure my insecurity issues out first, but I just want some help, man. Thank you.

Response:

As you note in your question, your insecurities get the best of you—causing you to cheat on your girlfriend more than once.

For some individuals, love is associated with anxiety—a fear of not being loved or being worthy of love. People with an anxious style of attachment (see, attachment styles)…

  • Fall in love quickly
  • Try to spend most of their time with their partner
  • Find themselves cheating on their partner because they don’t want to disappoint whoever is making an advance
  • Find themselves cheating on their partner because they fear their partner will do the same
  • Become preoccupied with thoughts of jealousy
  • Ruminate on problems and issues

If you have an anxious style of attachment, it can be difficult for you to deal with your emotions in ways that allow a relationship to thrive. In many cases, people with an anxious style of attachment deal with their emotions in non-productive ways—obsess over problems (both real and imagined), act in controlling ways, and/or act in ways that run counter to their true wishes (like cheating on a partner).

If you have an anxious style of attachment, it helps to talk to a counselor or therapist about this issue. Therapy coupled with meditation can helped individuals develop more confidence when it comes to love and romance. People who develop a secure style of attachment are more likely to have long lasting and satisfying relationships. It may help to spend some time focusing on your feelings of insecurity before you become romantically involved again.

 anxious attachment | my infidelity

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