My husband and I were both cheating

I slept with a man and after that one time I never did it again. After I slept with him I felt really bad. I only slept with him because when I was 6 months pregnant a woman called me crying and confessing that she was in love with my husband.

My husband started cheating with this woman before I found out I was pregnant. So I cheated to get back at him. I cheated again 2 years later, but it never got intimate with the second guy. I did not want to feel how I felt after I cheated the first time so I ended things with the second guy.

I confessed all of this to my husband but he does not believe me. My husband told me about his cheating. He cheated with a woman for over 2 years and even during this the woman got married and continued to cheat with my husband. There was also another woman he was cheating with, I went thru his phone and called this woman and he ended things even though he denied that he was sleeping with her.

It was not until several months later that he told me the truth. I feel that if you are cheating for a long period of time you are emotionally invested in the cheating. The person you are cheating with fills up the missing pieces/emotions that you are not getting from your spouse. Yes, cheating is cheating but I feel there are different depths to cheating.

So fast-forward to today. While working on the iPad I came across a note that my husband had written to the second woman he had been cheating with. In the note he expressed how he felt about her and even told her that he loved her. I feel betrayed because I asked him if she meant something to him and he told me it was just about the sex and now 2 months later I really see how he felt about her. He told me what he wrote was a lie just to keep her happy so that she would continue to sleep with him.

It just hurts to find out how he truly felt about this woman and now he is trying to flip things and bring up my cheating. He wonbe honest about his true feelings for this woman and that hurts.

And it leaves me wondering did he choose to stay with me because we have a child, because we have been together 12 years and married 8 out of those 12 years. Or because it’s the right thing to do?

I’m so confused because where did those feelings he had for her go? He only stopped cheating with her in November. Please help! I really need some advice.

Response:

Cheating is never easy to deal with, but some ways are better than others. In an ideal world, your husband would have told you the truth – the complete truth about what happened. Trust is easier to reestablish when everything is put on the table right away; rather than letting the facts leak out as time goes on (see surviving infidelity).

Revenge cheating, while understandable, is not the best way to deal with these situations. Trying to get even, rather than discussing your feelings, only does more damage to a relationship (see talk about problems).

Right now, you are questioning your husband’s motives and that makes sense. You are feeling uncertain and just want to know why things happened and what’s really true. However, when it comes to affection, sex and feelings for others, things can get murky fast. Often times, people do not understand their own motives or behavior. And most people have mixed emotions and are great at rationalizing what they have done (see self-deception).

So, what is the truth? To be honest, you will probably never know. Your husband may not truly understand why he acted the way he did.

Rather than focus on your husband’s past motives, it might be helpful to focus on the state of your relationship now. Despite what happened, are you happy? Does your husband treat you well (see relationship worth saving)?

Hope this helps you. Counseling also helps in situations like this.

 cheating husband | troubled relationship

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