Just discovered my husband has a daughter with his ex
My husband and I got married 6 years ago. My husband swore that he broke up with his new girlfriend before our marriage. I accidentally discovered a few days ago when checking his email (he asked me to handle his emails) that he and his ex-girlfriend have a 5-year old daughter.
That means that he has been lying to me ever since the marriage. I originally thought it was mi-sent email. I confronted him and he tried to deny, saying that it was probably a practical joke. Finally, he admitted to being unfaithful. Judging from his daughter’s age, their sexual relationship continued even after our marriage.
The most hurtful was that all these years, I did not detect any sign of infidelity. How could someone treat wedding vows so lightly? What devastated me was that he still tried to hide the truth when I confronted him. He said he was remorseful but hid the truth because he did not want to hurt me and he feared losing me. But being put in the blind caused me more pain.
He swore that they discovered that she was pregnant after they had broken up. His ex-girlfriend has also got married recently. He only sees his daughter infrequently. In fact, the email that his ex-girlfriend sent was asking him to see their daughter more frequently, as the child has some behavioral problems at school, thought to be caused by my husband’s inattention to her, according to the psychologist. He is begging me to forgive him and not to divorce. This is a nightmare to me. I still love him but I am not sure how much I can still trust him.
Response:
For starters, don’t beat yourself up for failing to see your husband’s infidelity. The vast majority of people believe that their partners are loving, kind and faithful (see truth bias). Keep in mind that you’re a normal, loving human being who put your trust in someone who betrayed you in the worst way possible.
Of course, you’re feeling angry, hurt, and confused. These are normal emotional reactions to discovering such a severe betrayal. Your husband was unfaithful, had a daughter with his ex and concealed everything from you. You have every right to be angry and uncertain about what to do.
Research shows that some couples can work through a serious breach of trust. However, it’s not easy. It takes a lot of work on both you and your husband’s part. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his actions and show remorse for the damage he’s caused. He needs to apologize for his behavior.
For you to repair your relationship you’re going to have to do some work as well. You’re going to have to see the situation from your husband’s point of view. This doesn’t mean that you condone or accept what your husband has done, rather you need to be able to understand what motivated his actions.
Of course, there are many other things that couples must do to rebuild trust (see rebuilding trust and surviving infidelity).
cheating husband | suspect cheating | save relationship
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