Found out that my deceased husband was a cheater

If you found out after your husband died that he’d been cheating for years with prostitutes while everyone thought he was a this terrific guy/husband, would you tell people?

We had our issues over the years, but I never, ever thought he had it in him to do this! He seemed completely not the type, and made a big deal of telling everyone all the time how lucky he was to be married to me, how wonderful I was, etc.

I found this out two weeks ago in his old phone, messages saved from his many business trips, making appointments with them, confirming, chatting afterwards about it and “can’t wait to see you again on my next trip”, while acting completely nonchalant and normal at home!!!

It’s devastating, and I want to tell the world how horrible he was.


Discovering a betrayal, even after a spouse has passed away, can be devastating. The emotions involved are intense and unsettling because it can raise questions about who your husband truly was and what your relationship was really about.

When secrets involve intense emotions, as a general rule, keeping the secret private isn’t healthy (see secrets). People who keep secrets often think about the topic more often than people who share the information with others. Also, keeping secrets can keep you living in the past instead of being present in the moment.

With that said, telling people about your husband’s behavior in order to get even with him may not provide you with the relief you’re seeking. It’s possible that people will view your disclosure about your husband’s behavior in a negative light. When people encounter information that makes them uncomfortable, they often blame the messenger.

Our best advice is to consider what you hope to achieve. If you want to get this secret off your chest, tell a few friends whom you trust and explain to them why you’re sharing the information — because the secret is wearing you down.

If your goal is to attack your husband’s character, you may want to reconsider your actions. It’s possible that people will think less of you as well — people may view both you and your husband in a negative light. We’re not saying that such reactions are logical, but when people are forced to deal with unsettling information about someone they liked who is no longer around, it’s sometimes easier for people to blame the victim as well.

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