Husband will not discuss the details of his cheating
My husband finally confessed to having been unfaithful numerous times in our marriage. However, he claims amnesia as to the circumstance surrounding when and with whom he FIRST cheated.
He has been trying to convince me how "changed" he is and how he would never stray again. However, I’m having serious doubts due to his inability to have a complete and honest discussion regarding WHEN he FIRST decided this was the answer to any marital issues.
I feel that if he cannot be honest about what was going on in our marriage and why he FIRST made a choice to stray with other women, then I do not have any faith that it wouldn’t happen again.
Am I being unreasonable in my demand that he come clean and be able to discuss it? I feel like his attitude is... yeah I cheated, I cheated a lot, I cheated for a long time with different women, but now I’m cured, I don’t want to talk about it and it won’t happen again. He feels I just need to "let it go."
Response:
When trying to recover from infidelity, it is important for spouses to discuss what happened. Without having those conversations, as painful as they may be, spouses who have been cheated on are left in the dark, always wondering what really happened (see recovering from infidelity).
And having uncertainty about what really transpired often leads people to dwell on the possibilities. Knowing the truth, on the other hand, can provide some closure. So, it is natural for you to want to know details about what happened.
But, from your husband’s perspective there is probably little to be gained by talking about the past. Perhaps there are details he’d rather not reveal because they implicate other people you know or he is worried about your reaction to the truth (see partner’s reaction).
It is also possible that he doesn’t remember the FIRST time he cheated on you because there may not have been a first time… he may never have stopped sleeping with other women. Some people can’t remember the first time they cheated because they were never really faithful. For some people, being faithful is very difficult to do (see likely to cheat).
Finally, given the frequency of your husband’s cheating and he’s reluctance to discuss the details with you, it is somewhat doubtful that the problem has been solved. Cheating, which is driven by personality traits and relational problems does not tend to resolve itself; it typically requires tremendous insight and some type of professional counseling (see once a cheater).
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