A book by a founder of this site.
On my second marriage and I am having an affair
I’ve been married to my husband for just over two years, and for reasons beyond me, found myself in a situation where the financial pressure was placed firmly on my shoulders. I paid the mortgage, bought the food; paid the food bills, paid the kid’s clubs and so on. We had a baby and after maternity leave I went back to work.
I should say, this is both our second marriage, and both went into it with high hopes and discussions of how we would mutually support each other. My husband had decided early on to follow his dreams and become a firefighter... a much lower paid job than he had. I agreed to this on the proviso that he would get extra work. He promised he would... he didn’t.
So I took on extra hours, and my life became an endless round of work, kids, housework and I would often not get to sit down till gone 10pm. The chances of my bonding with my baby diminished gradually.
Meanwhile, my husband continued with all his activities, playing rugby, training twice a week and taking every Saturday out to play matches.
I began to black out. I would feel it coming on, begin to shake, begin to sweat, and my vision would become blurry. I would have to lie down until I was ok again. There was one time when this happened as I was driving.
At work, I started to become less interested, and started surfing the net... for anything really. I began to chat to a guy on the internet who has been with his wife for over 20 years... He wasn’t happy, but couldn’t break free as they have two children. He had left her in the early days but returned expecting things to change.
We talked everyday and gradually realized there was a chemistry between us. We met and that chemistry nearly blew us both away. It’s a year down the line now and we are both so deeply in love. This grows every day, and we make as much time as we can to be together, to talk, to laugh.
I have told my husband it’s over. I asked myself the question that if I hadn’t found someone else, would I have stayed in this marriage? The short and simple answer is no, I wouldn’t.
I have told my lover to stay as long as he can within his marriage. His wife is a depressive and it would destroy her if he left. He wants to leave and is now making financial preparations to ensure his family will be ok when this does happen.
My lover was extremely down when I met him, he is now blossoming and becoming the man he always wanted to be.
So, at the age of 37, I am two marriages down the line and having an affair with a married man who I love dearly and who is in love with me....
My husband has now started to take on extra work, be more attentive, and try to make this marriage work. My life now is easier... but the respect I had for my husband has evaporated.
So, moving on... or trying to see if my life would be ok at home... or am I being really stupid wanting to be happy.
I was once happy with my husband... that fell apart… how do I know it won’t happen again for the 3rd time!!!!
I am emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and just want some peace from all this... any suggestions...?
In all likelihood it will happen again.
Some people have a high need for romantic love (see eros and mania). But, the problem with pursuing romantic love is that it does not last. Romantic love fades over time (see sexual desire, love and attachment).
In fact, romantic or passionate love typically starts to fade after the first few years. And when passion fades, couples start to experience problems—seeing each other’s flaws, exposing their selfish tendencies, getting into more arguments and fights, etc.
Not surprisingly, the divorce rate also spikes right around the 4 to 5 year mark because as passion fades many couples are not equipped to deal with each other or the problems that begin to emerge. And it is during this time, that third parties (affairs) become more appealing. Affairs allow people to pursue passion, but with relatively little cost. During an affair, you get to enjoy the excitement of new love without having to deal with the day-to-day routine of an established relationship. But, for the most part, the passion of an affair, does not last past the affair.
Unfortunately, this can be a very difficult pattern to break—falling in and out of passionate love. Luckily, not everyone is driven by romantic, passionate love (see storge, pragma, agape). But, if you are, you should not expect your next relationship to turn out much differently than your current relationship.
The desire for passion should be accepted for what it is—an intense, but short-lived thrill. The desire for romantic love, alone, is simply not the basis for a long-term, satisfying relationship (see healthy relationships).
Our advice: If you need and crave passion in your life, why don’t you pursue intense, but short-lived relationships with other like-minded people? Do you have to turn your desire for passionate love into a long term relationship? Not everyone belongs in a long-term relationship (see does one size fit all).
But, if you want passion and a long-term relationship, then you will have to find ways to keep passion alive in your relationship. This, however, is not easy to do. It will take enormous amounts of creative energy and work. You will constantly have to find new and exciting activities to keep a high level of excitement in your relationship. And you have to avoid the trap of repeating the same activities, because they too will become routine over time.
Unfortunately, passion will always be easier to find with someone other than your current partner because someone else will always be more exciting than the current routine.
We wish we had more encouraging advice to offer.
I have my own question to ask
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