I caught my wife cheating after a few months of marriage

I am recently married and found out that my wife is having an affair. To be more accurate, continuing an 8 year affair she had been having with her married co-worker. I found out about the relationship initially via her instant messages before we got married. Whenever I would come in a room, she would scramble to close windows on the computer.

So one day I hacked her P.C. and saw some of the messages. I confronted her about the message because they were very sexually explicit; things she didn’t even express to me. She indicated to me that it was “fantasy” and said it was in-appropriate conversations and it would not happen again.

She then got on me about the whole trust and snooping issue but the thing s, when I asked her straight out if something was going on with this guy, she lied and told me nothing and that she wasn’t even attracted to this guy, and then I spied and found out otherwise.

Well a few months later we get married and my now wife goes on a business trip a few weeks after the marriage. The first week she was gone I was getting phone calls every night, e-mails etc. The second week, I couldn’t get in touch with her at all as well as her family members.

When she came home I asked her what happened with just the basic check in to let me know you were ok? I can understand if you were busy working but that is basic common courtesy. She gave me some excuse that I didn’t understand how stressful it was and she was busy.

Then I happened to ask if her co-worker was down there, and she didn’t answer the question and became real evasive. Then about a day or two later, she accidentally let it slip that he was there and then she saw the expression on my face and tried to turn it around on me saying the reason she didn’t tell me he was there was because she didn’t want to get interrogated and that I was insecure.

So a few days after that, I hacked her IM again and sure enough there were conversations in there about him coming down the second week and them sleeping together on a few nights. So suspicion was confirmed. There was also another conversation about him coaching her on how to be comfortable with continuing the affair and deceiving me and about how they were having sex at the office late at night when others when home.

Now as silly as this may seem, I still love this woman and would like to work this out but I don’t think this would/could ever happen because first she won’t admit to the affair. She won’t admit to the affair because she wants to continue it.

Secondly, I can’t trust her and she can’t trust me which is sad because her mistrust of me was me just confirming what I suspected. She doesn’t know that I have the chat conversations about her business trip and her carrying on at the office. My mistrust of her is obvious. Now granted we have only been married for 4 months! If we make 1 year it will be amazing.

Is there any way possible to save this marriage? Why in the world did she marry me if her true feelings were for someone else?

Response:

Sorry to hear about your situation.

If your wife has been cheating with someone for 8 years and won’t admit to the affair—even after she’s been caught—it’s unrealistic to expect things to change (see once a cheater).

Saving a relationship from infidelity requires sincere remorse and two people willing to work together to turn things around (see recovering from infidelity). Unfortunately, this does not come close to describing your situation.

And when it comes to love and romance, not everyone is the same (see styles of love). Some people marry for love, some for companionship, some for convenience, and some people marry with no intention of ever being faithful.

The realization that people have different notions of what it means to “be in love” is often hard to acknowledge, but hopefully, it provides some perspective (see husband plays with my heart).

 cheating wife | denies infidelity | emails | snooping | troubled relationship | trust issues

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