I am having a difficult time dealing with my husband’s cheating

I have proof that my husband was flirting and having physical contact with a co-worker.

I discovered e-mail communications that began innocently enough then escalated in content over the few months before my husband was to leave his position and we were to move out of state. In the e-mails, she is clearly pursuing him but his replies aren’t discouraging in the least bit. The last days on the job, she apologizes for gasping when he kissed her but she needed to refuel then she asks for do-overs. Some of the e-mails are rapid-fire, one after the other, like texting. Working hard, eh? His last day she tells him when she will be there and when she will be leaving and can she have another kiss, ear scratching and her "indulgence." He replies, "I’ll see what I can do." Then a later e-mail from her says "oh my, you are excellent at that!" And he replies, "takes one to know one."

I confronted him without letting him know I had read and saved the e-mails and he denied it all. Then I told him I read the e-mails. He said she tried to kiss him and that he turned away, a missed kiss. I’m not that dumb. He eventually admitted it but that it was a good-bye kiss, and so it began and ended. BEGAN, being the operative word for me, ENDED, for him.

We have discussed it somewhat, albeit reluctantly on his part. Things have gotten better but I still have anger episodes when something reminds me of his indiscretion. I feel like they both got off “scott free” and I, the innocent, get left with all the grief. I am tempted to track down her husband and forward the e-mails to him and let her deal with what I’m dealing with. I’m tempted to contact her employer and let them know that she is propositioning co-workers on company time. Am I being immature?

I know she has e-mailed him after the move, saying "I know it’s not my turn but I was wondering if this contact still works," but he has denied it. He says its old history and he’s over it. Well I say good for him but I’m the one that needs to get over it. Whenever I broach the topic he has an anger reaction. If I’m not able to discuss it how will we truly work through it?

I want to know what happened, how often, when and where. Is that self destructive. Sometimes when we’re kissing I wonder if that’s how he kissed her. Ear scratching? He does that to me, but now I don’t want him to. Did he grope her? Will knowing these details help me get past it or will it make me crazy?

We were going to move and he was going to go on as if nothing happened. How could he live that lie?


One of the most difficult things about being in a relationship is realizing that two people are different from each other. No two people ever have the same needs, goals and desires. And sometimes these differences can cause lot of hurt, pain and misunderstanding. So, while you may not be the type of person to flirt with others, it is possible that your husband enjoys doing so and has little trouble lying about such matters (see flirting).

But regardless of the different needs you and your husband may have, your husband has violated your trust. You have every right to be hurt, upset and angry with him. And these feelings won’t go away until your husband tells the truth about what happened and acknowledges the pain he has caused (see rebuilding trust).

Given that your husband seems reluctant to do this, it might be wise to consider counseling. If not dealt with effectively, your feelings, rather than subside, may become more intense and influence other aspects of your relationship. Most couples lack the communication skills necessary to deal with such problems—so it helps to get professional help when it is needed.

If you don’t think that counseling is a viable option, there are things you can do to make the situation better. People who have been hurt and betrayed have an overwhelming need to feel in control. This is understandable. After all, if you can somehow gain control of the situation, you can protect your self from being harmed again. Not only do people want to feel in control, but they also want their partners to understand their pain. People think that if their partners truly understood the pain they caused, they would never act that way again.

This desire to be in control and to be understood, however, often gets expressed in counterproductive ways. People who have been hurt are often overly inquisitive, accusatory and display a lot of negative emotions. Unfortunately, such behavior typically pushes partners further away—it leads to less intimacy and more secrecy, lying and deception (see when lovers lie).

The trick is to express your feelings in such a way that your husband can empathize with your point of view rather than turn away (see talk about problems). If you can do this, it will make it easier for you and your husband to work through this issue. But, again this is not fair—it places a lot of responsibility on you to make things work.

Finally, it is normal to want to seek revenge by exposing the other woman. However, we strongly discourage you from doing so. If you act on your desire to get even by telling her husband or her employer, it will most likely will come back to haunt you in the long run. Your motives will be questioned, people will talk, and the story may actually get back to your husband’s work environment (see should I contact the other woman and should I expose a cheater).

If you are trying to repair your relationship with your husband, doing something that could impact how people see him at work is probably not very useful. Moreover, you do not know how she may respond. If you hurt her, she may find a way to hurt you back. These types of situation can quickly get out of control. Better to focus your energy on repairing your relationship with your husband rather than trying to cause her pain (see recovering from infidelity).

In the long run, people will respect you more not for the problems you encounter, but how well you handle them.

 cheating husband | denies infidelity | emails | expose cheating | trust issues

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