Want the other woman out of my life

My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker. This lasted many months and there were hundreds of emails and texts. They were romantic, friendly, sexual and funny. They shared so much, even saying they loved each other.

I was so heartbroken when I found out I thought our marriage was over. My husband begged me for forgiveness and promised he would stop all of it. Our marriage has actually been a lot better. We are in counseling together and have both been working hard to save our marriage.

My problem is I don’t know how to get over the fact that he works with her and sees her every day. They’re acting like friends again. He tells me they don’t text or email any more and from what I can see they don’t.

Well I just found out that now they are friends on Facebook. When this first happened they weren’t friends on Facebook but since we have been repairing our marriage they became Facebook friends. So, I am deeply hurt because first of all he didn’t tell me they were friends on Facebook. I feel like it was another thing he has been hiding.

I hate that it allows her to see pictures of our family and updates about what we are doing. I feel betrayed again. I think the two of them really think they can keep their friendship.

Am I wrong for not being able to have them be friends? And how can we move past the infidelity if they are going to work together every day?

Response:

Workplace romances are a real problem. It is not uncommon for people to spend most of their day, not with their spouse, but interacting with someone else. Office environments are designed to foster intimacy—a common culture, shared goals, inside jokes, mutual dependence, long hours—all of the factors that facilitate falling in love.

Now that you have discovered your husband’s affair, what should you do?

Workplace affairs can be tricky. To the individuals involved, it can be hard to see things clearly. They were probably not looking to fall in love; they may have a difficult time understanding the damage they have done and taking responsibility for what happened.

While you and your husband are in counseling and seem to be growing closer because of this experience, it is normal to feel betrayed by her presence in your life.

Whether they intended to or not, they did damage to your relationship and your life. They took something away from you—your sense of safety and security. It is important for you to regain a sense of control. You should not have to share your life with the other woman.

Although it sounds like your husband is probably trying to walk a fine line—by not causing problems at work, trying to repair his relationship with you, and remain friends with her—he needs to be realistic. You are entitled to set the ground rules for now.

Although it is never wise to try to control a partner (see relational dynamics), after such a betrayal, you are entitled to limit her access.

You should bring this issue up with your counselor. While your husband may have to interact with her at work, there is no reason they need to be friends (on Facebook) or in real life. At a time like this, it is important for your husband to put your relationship ahead of his own needs and wants. Demonstrating his commitment to your relationship, will help you work through your feelings (see forgiveness).

The key getting her out of your life is to express how you are feeling and explain what you need from your husband in a way that does not create a defensive response (see talk about problems). In a situation like this, a good therapist can make all the difference in the world.

 cheating husband, other woman, workplace affair

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