Past Comments – I didn't know I was dating a married man

Comments (29)

Cheating boyfriend
written by Guest, 07 June, 2006
Hi, I’m currently undergoing the same situation right now.. I met this guy over the internet. He is the same nationality as mine. We became close. He was working in a different country, but decided to follow me. I sponsored his visa and everything thinking that he was the person who I was looking for. He was very honest with me before, telling me about his past problems of drug addiction and how his friend got killed because of that.. I had some doubts about that but I chose to ignore it since he said he got over it.. Anyway, he is with me now.. he is staying in a different apartment but he is close by.. he transfered just two days ago and when I was going thru his things I saw pictures of a child.. I was shocked, though I knew there was something fishy about it.. he told me its his daughter, she already five years old and he’s having custody of the child and his mom is taking care of her since he needs to go to another country to work. And then I confronted him and told him that I would have understood it if he just needs my help on finding a job.. he told me that he is filling for an annulment.. but he needs to save the money first.. I don’t know what to do anymore.. We have made plans already about our future and it has been a wonderful time together since were both trying to make our way to improve. Should I call his mom to know about it? Currently, I emailed his old girlfriend whom I thought was his wife.. because that’s what he said. What I don’t understand is he told me that he is married and yet he gave a different name of a woman? I wanted to get to the bottom of this, but I don’t want to fight him.. he still owes me a lot of money and I’m afraid if I do that he might just run off..
written by Guest, 16 June, 2006
I have been betrayed by men in my past and never wanted to be the "other woman," but have been in this case. The man has been living with a girlfriend with 4 kids and he gets free rent for himself and his daughter there. They’d been together 3 years when we met. I like him and wanted to get to know him, and we really got on well. We dated 3 months before he told me about her, and said he hadn’t been happy for a while, told me of his financial situation (trying to put his daughter though private school and on fire fighter’s income in high cost of living state. H introduced me to his daughter, his mother (who told me herself he hadn’t been happy and was going to leave that relationship and she wished he’d do it soon), and his brother, as well as all his co-workers. I was disturbed at being the other woman and told him that went against my values and he needed to figure out what he wanted in his life and make a decision. I did not try to lure him away, having known that pain. He said he couldn’t leave yet, but would be out end of summer. Never happened. Always and excuse. two years later and much anguish over loving him and him always saying he loved me and "soon" would be with me, I ended it. He kept calling and sending cards, claiming to love me very much and miss me, yet he would never back his words with actions. Now, I’m the one who has to end it out of frustration listening to him call his "situation at home" "strange," staying with what’s easy and convenient. He’s never told her the truth and says he will treasure our memories. Can he be truly happy living with someone he uses for financial benefits and keeping secrets from her? What is it he wants? I stayed away and he was a puppy after me, now he knows I’ve had it and never lifted a finger to make it work.
written by Guest, 20 June, 2006
Oh honey, I’m dating a married man. I’m in love with him and he takes money and gifts from me but never bought me so much as a drink or one red rose or card for V.D., xmas or my birthday. I know he’s using me but I can’t let go. You and I I are crazy, bottom line. Love will do that to you. Stay away from him. You’ll be better off!!!
written by Guest, 04 August, 2006
You all deserve the right to be happy! And clearly, these relationships are only causing you pain. Respect yourself enough to walk away, begin the healing process. What are you truly losing? A relationship with its foundation built on lies and deception. Relationships that are healthy are that way because people invest the necessary time and efforts. In addition, relationships that have unhealthy beginnings, plagued with deceit and wrought with unreasonable expectations are doomed. Start from a healthy place with someone who is emotionally available. If you do decide to stay in the relationship, consider eliminating your expectations. Do not expect him to leave, just give selflessly and expect nothing in return. If you have no expectations of that individual they cannot conceivably hurt you. Sounds difficult I am sure, but that is the only way to protect yourself if you insist on staying in the relationship. One last thought, as the spouse of a cheating husband I know what it feels like to wake up and realize your husband has been unfaithful. Please try and consider the wife’s feelings and treat her as you would expect to be treated.
written by Bea, 19 January, 2007
I have been dating a married man for 2 years now. I knew it was wrong and against everything I believed. My husband cheated on me and had a child as a result. I know what it is like to be on the other side almost every relationship I have had I have been cheated on. Two resulted in me having nervous break downs. Most of this is a result of my low self esteem due to having been sexually abused from the age of 3 to 16. I got married at 17 hoping to have a knight in shinning amour. And every relationship has been a mess. Anyway when I went into this relationship I thought it was a safe place to be, since he was not actually mine, if and when things went bad it would not be as emotionally devastating. But I tell you it is. I suspected he had not been truthful to me on several occasions. He made me feel more loved then I had ever been, which actually was not very hard to do since I had been abandon by my parents and sexually abused by my grandfather while my grandmother had full knowledge of it. Right now I am in so much pain knowing the lies he has told me the most recent and for 3 months that he is dying of cancer. This was actually an excuse to have more time too spend with the other other woman. The cut is so very fresh. I am I so angry for falling for the same thing over and over again. I am in counseling and have been for 6 years. I have some much work to do and have actually accomplished so much over the past 6 years. This is a bit of a set back I have no friends and feel as though I am going crazy.

It all cuts like a knife we had a secret cell phone and I received the bill. I never looked at the bill until recently when he had stopped paying it due to the so called cancer. At first I was going to pay it, but I realized he had been using up more minutes then a man who was too ill to call me. So who was he spending his minutes on the phone with. I called the number and was met with lie after lie from her and from him. They did not have their stories straight, which was a clear indication and confirmation of what I has suspected for months.

It hurts so much the my counselor mentioned that they were both pathological liars. I have been doing some reading and the definition of a pathological liar and who and what they are has given some comfort but all this has come to light today and I am reeling and will be in pain for some time. I really loved this man.
I cannot believe the same person who was begging me not to break up with him 3 months ago so that he could deal with his life threatening cancer is writing me off because I have discovered he has been lying to me. Seriously, where did the man I love disappear to? Yes I know I am better of. That is the reality. But emotionally I am hurting.
written by guest, 19 June, 2007
Wow. As I have been reading these stories I can’t believe how similar they are to my own. I too was deceived by a married man. I met him about a year and a half ago and fell for him hard. He told me he had never been married and we appeared to have the same mindset regarding the sacredness of marriage etc. He portrayed himself to be everything I had ever wanted in a partner. He treated me like gold and I had never been happier in my life. We discussed marriage and children and spending the rest of our lives together. One thing that bothered me was the fact that I had never met anyone connected to his life. He had told me his mother was crazy so I was afraid to meet her, and all his friends appeared to live out of state. I also had never been to his house – he gave me one excuse after another – until one day, about 4 mths into our relationship, I discovered he indeed had been married. not once but twice... I confronted him and he denied it until I showed him proof. He then apologized profusely and told me that he was afraid he would loose me if he had told me he had been married. At this point I should have walked away. But he swore to me that he was currently divorced and would never lie to me again. At this point, my rational side was screaming run away, but my heart would not let go. I too felt as if I had met the love of my life and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. We did take a break for a few months so I could clear my head. During that time I went in for counseling. About 6 mths ago, we started dating again. Things were rocky at first. I was very skeptical and untrusting at first of his every motive. Slowly I began to let him in again only to find out last week that he is actually still married to the 2nd wife and has been all this time. I don’t know how he pulls it off. He is with me at least 3 nights a week and we talk every night on the phone. I can’t believe i was so naive and blind as to fall for his lies a second time. When I confronted him this time he told me that he is in the process of divorcing his wife and has been since he met me. I told him that I cant be with him. It is against my morals to date a married man, yet I am completely in love with him still and can’t imagine my life without him. He was hysterically crying on the phone and begged me to wait for him while his divorce goes through. I know that I should walk away, but a part of me believes that maybe once he is divorced he wont have to lie anymore and then we will be free to start over. Is anyone else experiencing anything similar? It would be helpful to hear how other people are dealing with a similar situation.
written by Guest, 12 July, 2007
I just found out my boyfriend of six months was married. He went to great lengths to convince me he was single and convince his wife I didn’t exist. I was in love with him and believed he loved me.

Advice ladies? 2 things:

1. Men who lie to this extent are chameleons. They get along with everybody...have a silver tongue...however you want to say it. It hurts to think the connection you had together was fake, but the sooner you realize the lie to sooner you can get over it.

2. People make mistakes, and people can change. But when someone goes to that extent to lie to you and everyone else they care’s not going to change. Get out, and if you stay it’s your own fault whatever happens.
written by guest, 06 August, 2007
I can’t believe how these stories are so like mine. I was dating a man who said his only wife had been killed 20 years previously. He traveled for work but was usually available to me by phone. He was gone over every major holiday but otherwise was with me. I just found out he has been married for the past 6 years. He says he is in the middle of a divorce right now but I am having a hard time believing it. Sounds like we have all been had – the attachment is tough to break.

written by So In Love, 15 November, 2007
My boyfriend is divorced but living separate from his wife due to cheating on her and having a child with another woman. He claims he is done with cheating and wants to settle down with me, but he has not made any attempt to get divorced. I’m giving him exactly one year of my time and then I plan to leave him because I refuse to be in a longterm relationship as the "other woman". I know it will hurt, but I’ll be better off in the long run. These men are so convincing that they love only you but in reality it seems they only love themselves because if they truly loved you they would not do this.
written by Home wrecker?, 23 February, 2008
Didn’t know he was married at the very beginning but found out real fast. Was a little confused at first, but sadly...I ignored those feelings and fell real hard for him. Six and a half years later, we’re the parents of a two year old he never sees. Somehow, he always managed to see me when our little one was in daycare or stopped by when the little one was having nap time. He keeps telling me how the child (Six years old and lots of issues...medication even) of his marriage needs him and that’s why he has to stick around in a marriage he can’t stand and with a wife he doesn’t love.... When our little one was almost one years old, he did finally tell his wife. What he told her, I really don’t know. For sure he told her about our child, but I suspect I was presented in somewhat of a whore’s light. She even contacted me and said all you could imagine a wife might say to the "other" woman...unfortunately, it doesn’t stop me from loving him. However, I don’t see him anymore even though he does try to contact me from time to time. Too long a story to write, but he’s supposedly pursuing a divorce (I honestly don’t believe it). How long does this hurt take? What do I say when my little one finally asks about his daddy and why he doesn’t have one? Man....I really screwed up on this one!
written by guest1, 24 April, 2009
I know there are men who will lie about their marital status, but why are so many women being tricked into believing a man is single only to find out otherwise? Because we are being intimate and falling in love too quickly. We simply need to refrain from having sex, and putting our hearts out there until we know enough about the men we are dating. Know where he works, where he lives, and have more than just his cell phone number before letting things get serious. If a man cannot give me his home number, or take me to his home, we will not be sleeping together.
written by Sunshine0419, 05 June, 2009
I just recently found out that I guy I dated was married for five years when we met. I found this out AFTER I broke up with him, though. There was always something strange about him; I learned that he also had problems with the law, and he was a genuinely selfish person!

Ladies, please know that men put on different masks when you first meet them, and can change them, if need be.

When I met him, he had all the qualities I was looking for in a mate – smart, professional and hard working. Unfortunately, all of this was just scratching the surface. He also liked to go out alot and drink with his buddies, and then if he did something for me, he ALWAYS wanted sex at the end of the night for it. Eventually I got TIRED of him, so I moved on. He still tried to call me, even when I got into a new relationship, so my boyfriend (at the the time) really let him have it!!!

Ladies, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE do a full background check on the man that you’re with, and really get to know him, (the good and the bad). Believe me, it could save your life! I really thank GOD for letting me see who this guy really was!

Also, ask him alot of questions, because if you don’t, MEN WILL NOT TELL YOU ANYTHING, trust me when I say this!!!!!!
written by Lina, 06 April, 2010
Reading all these stories is heartbreaking, knowing how many women have loved and trusted men that have based their entire relationship on a lie.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months, 2 months ago. He told me he was divorced over a year and had 2 small children. I spent time in his apartment for the first 3 months of our relationship until his business closed and he had to move in with his parents.

Two weeks ago I received a call from his wife, not ex-wife but wife of 10 years. She is expecting her 3rd child from my ex-boyfriend. Due next week!

I was devastated but speaking with her confirmed all my doubts and unanswered questions about him. I learned she was visiting family for those 3 months while I spend time in their apartment, having sex in their bed! I learned that he lied to her to be with me...writing a medical exam on New Year’s Eve!! He was mysterious and secretive with her and moody as well. She too had her doubts but no proof, as I.

It is so easy to want to believe these men. They are experts at what they do. By the time they got to us, they have cheated on their wives for so long they have perfected their lies and secrets. As this wife explained to me, "You’re not the only one I contacted."

But, there were clues. There are always clues. All those gut-wrenching doubts proved to be all correct. Unfortunately, most women don’t get the answers as I was luck to get from the wife because most women don’t protect each other but attack and blame each other.

Some clues: He refused to give me the phone number of the apartment, he refused to introduce me to his family or any of his friends. When ever I wanted him to meet mine he’d get into an argument with me so I’d be to upset to want to introduce him to anyone. He kept insisting on meeting my parents but I refused until he introduced me to his. He always had mother is difficult, my mother will not accept you, my mother is ill, your family will be easier, let’s start with them first. My children have the flu this week and you can’t meet them. I’m busy with work. I have a deadline and can’t see you for a week. Short phone calls claiming he is too tired to talk. Or moody conversations when you ask how his day went.

At the end, I wanted to leave him b/c I knew something was wrong. Even though I loved him and thought he was the one, I couldn’t live with being second to his mother (but it was his wife all along) and his moods. I felt like a mistress and he’d get angry at me when I’d say that. He even came to couple’s therapy with me (once)but when he refused to return I walked away from the relationship.

It hurt so much and I still I break down in uncontrollable tears. There are moments I don’t think that the pain will pass, but I know it is the humiliation that is effecting me more.

We need to move on from these cheating men. Our lives will only be controlled and our self-esteem shattered in the process. These men have an addiction and we are enabling them by staying with them once we find out the truth. We need to support each other and believe that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that is built on a lie.

In the end, if you stay or if you go, the relationship we had with these men were not real. We feel in love with the image of a man they created for us--not the real them. THe real man is a liar, is a cheat, does not respect women and is a shame to the male gender. He never showed you the real him, that’s why we fell in love with them. That is why they were so charming, and caring and seemed perfect. All smoke and mirrors ladies!!!

There are good men out there. I have to keep that hope (although I haven’t found any yet!) but my friends and family are proof that nice, caring, honest, truthful men do exist.

Use your time to get stronger, get over him (it will take a long time) but if you don’t make the change for yourself, no one will.

Best of luck!
written by Sad46, 16 September, 2011
I feel better knowing that i am not the only one that this has happened to. This has just happened to me very recently. I didnt know he was married... 9 months i fell in love and he claimed his love for me. Then a phone call changed my life... "Do you know Jack?" i replied with a yes. She asked how. I told her i was his girlfriend. She said This is his wife. I was devastated and met her immediately. I was sitting there consoling her and her i. We were sharing the same pain... we were both the ‘other woman’ to each other. I had been with him for almost a year. He had perfected his lies. He had an entire made up family that i had never actually met but we had agreed to take that part slow on both parts so a flag didn’t go up. The bottom line is i just lived an entire year of my life in a pretend world! I am devastated and in shock. My thoughts are scattered.. i cant form one complete thought. I and sad for his family but im also sad for myself. What is wrong with a man that he would devastate and change two innocent peoples lives. If i was the other women and i knew it then that would be my choice. But this man didn’t give me a choice. I never had a clue he was married. I feel foolish. Live and learn is what they say but hey.. forget that.. no one deserves to be treated like that. He took a year of my life away, he took my innocence. i am now afraid to trust my own judgement, trusting someone is difficult. When that man decided to pick me to be his ‘other woman’ he was playing God with someones life. Why is this not a crime? Anyways i am feeling better and in time i know that i will meet my Prince Charming... not all men are like that are they?
written by found out the hard way, 12 October, 2011
I am so happy I found this site.

I had dated an older man for 8 months who had claimed he was divorced. He seemed like everything I ever wanted, and shared the same common interests, I could talk to him about anything and fell in love with him.

There were warning signs that I should have noticed. He owned 2 businesses (which was actually the truth) and had a very erratic schedule. He was never free weekends, and would never spend the night because of his "schedule". I also couldn’t go to his place because he was ‘staying with his friend’ because he ‘didn’t buy after they had sold their house’. He never talked about his ‘ex’ unless I asked. I had to ask to find out he was ‘divorced’.

Anyway, it got to a point where I couldn’t take his schedule anymore and needed more. He couldn’t give it so I broke it off. He cried and told me that he would try and get his priorities together and asked if he did if he could contact me again, I said of course and knew that I would wait for him.

Literally the day after, a COMPLETE fluke, I arrived at an appointment early and decided to walk around the neighborhood. He at this point was supposed to be away on business, but there he was escorting his pregnant wife into their house. I was in shock I couldn’t speak I just watched them walk in.

I confronted him via phone later and he got extremely defensive, denied and yelled at me. Told me his flight had been cancelled (it wasn’t), that she was his ‘ex’ and he was helping her into the house.

When I googled the address one of his businesses had been registered under it for 2 years on the online pages.

I know now that everything was a lie, and I do not want him back at all.

The hard part is the guilt. I know that it wasn’t my fault, but I don’t know what to do, if I should tell this woman or not, I worry what he might do if he has that much to lose. I want to understand how someone could be so inconsiderate of other people for their own selfish gains. I don’t want him to be able to get away with what he’s done but I don’t know if it’s my place to hurt her.

written by innocent one, 22 October, 2011
I also found out that the man I have been seeing for the past year and a half is married. He contacted me online and we got serious very quickly. He told me he was divorced for 3 years and was remodeling a home in my town. He was staying in the home while remodeling it, and would often stay with me. There were clues in hindsight such as he just had to go to a certain church down the hill and his son was still living with the ex (he said the ex and his son were very close). He ended up renting out the house, and told me he was living with his sister. A few weeks ago, I got a call at 5:30 in the morning from his wife (on his phone) informing me that he was not divorced. To say I am in shock is an understatement. I got a text a few hours later saying not to contact him again that he loved his wife and she loved him enough to forgive him. I am pretty sure it was her. What I don’t understand is why a man who is supposedly so in love with his wife would go to such an extent to make up an entirely different life to be with someone else.
I thought about sending her a letter telling her the details but decided against it.
written by veryinnocent, 11 November, 2011
I am glad to know that I am not the only one who is going through this!.. I was seeing this guy for two years and just few weeks ago, he got caught by his wife after she randomly decided to check his phone one morning. She called and confronted me and told me the guy I had been seeing for two years was her husband and in fact that they live together. To know that everything I had with him for two years was all fake..and I all can say is he did an amazing job lying to me and his wife for the last two years. Apparently the fling with me continued even before their wedding and he still had the guts to say his vows at his wedding when he was already cheating on his wife with me.
My friends have been telling me to move on quickly but its not as easy as they think it is..after I had been involved with this guy for two years and I’m glad to know that there are so many people on here who are going through the same rough patch as I am.
written by HighRoad, 09 December, 2011
Wow! Thank goodness I found this site! I have been driving myself crazy! I too was dating a married man and didn’t know it. We met on a dating site. He lived in another city but was often in my city for work. We saw each other a few times a week and talked on the phone. We discussed plans of getting married. We had a "normal" relationship. We went out for nice dinners. He came to my work functions. We were often out in public together and I had no reason to believe that he was keeping me a secret. He immediate family lived out of town and we were making arrangements to go down together so I could meet his family. He met my family. He was my date for wedding functions. There was nothing that led me to believe he was married. One night he canceled plans and I noticed that he was acting strange. I googled his name and I clicked on a site that seemed like nothing at the time. Up popped pictures of him and his wife. I immediately ended things. He tried to say that he was going through a divorce but wouldn’t add me to facebook. (He had said earlier that he didn’t have facebook.) I am proud that I took the high road. I chose not to contact his wife. I do not feel guilty for being with him while he was married because I had NO inclination. As soon as I found out, I ended things. It’s hard getting adjusted to my new single life again, especially since I thought I was getting engaged soon. Ladies, sometime we have to be thankful not for what we have, but for what we’ve escaped. I can’t believe that this happened to me. I am a professional intelligent woman. Being alone is still better than being with someone else’s husband. The only thing worse than being me, is being his wife. To all women out there, who are with married men, get out, you deserve better! Karma is a bitch sometimes
written by........, 06 January, 2012
I am writing here today having experienced the same thing as all of you, sadly.
I met the man I was with seven months ago outside of a mall. He stopped me, told me I was pretty, and gave me his name and phone number. He was very intense, very confident, and something about him didn’t sit well with me. Still, that weekend, I decided to call him against my better judgement. I was lonely and single so I thought, "Why not?"
Throughout our relationship, there were many signs that something was wrong. He was very protective over his phone, I was never able to meet his family, and he never let me over his house. During our relationship, on two occasions two months apart, he even told me that his cousin and uncle had died. I truly felt sorry for him and sad, but when I asked him their names and looked them up in the obituaries, nothing came up. I knew something was wrong, so I confronted him about it and many others things, but each time I brought it up, he would get so angry. He would try to deflect my suspicions and as the term goes ‘gaslight’ me. I had so many doubts, so many questions, but despite my instincts, I was willing to overlook anything just to be with him. I wanted to be with him so much.
I gave him everything. I gave myself to him totally. There’s no way to understate the work I put into our relationship for seven months. Day in and day out, all I thought about was him. He consumed me, and I gave myself to him totally. He knew how I felt for him. He knew full well that I felt for him deeply.
A few weeks ago, I decided to look up his name on the internet. Nothing came up. I thought, "That’s strange. Most people have some kind of internet presence." That’s when I decided to look up information on his mother, hoping I could find out about him through her. And I did. That information I found was not pretty.
I found out that he’s married with three kids. I found out that he had lied about his age, his name, and many other things as well. I found pictures of his wife, his kids, and him on the internet. I was floored. I was shocked, and I needed to know the truth. I confronted him that night with all that I had found, and he lied telling me the pictures I found were of his sister and nephews. He then got very angry and threatened to leave because I was ‘invading his privacy’.
If you are in a relationship with a man, you deserve to know personal things, especially things like family.

written by........, 06 January, 2012
The next day I got a hold of his wife and told her everything. She informed me that this wasn’t the first time he cheated. Afterwards, I got a bunch of threatening texts from him, and after that, nothing.
No closure. No words of apology. No "I take responsibility for what I’ve done. I’m sorry.’ I have not gotten one word from him since, and yes, it hurts a lot. I wish I could know why. I wish I could know why he did this to me. Some days I wish I could just pick up the phone and ask him, but I know he wouldn’t answer. It’s completely unfathomable how a person can do that to people.

I’ve learned a lot of things from this:

1) Trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you something, listen to it. (There were times in the relationships when I even had dreams alerting me that something was wrong with him. There were signs everywhere. I just didn’t listen.)
2) The truth matters. Don’t let your love for a man or any other thing override the truth. The truth will still stand. Ignore it and it will be like a bug on your back. It won’t go away. Like your conscience, it will continue to nag you.
3) Bad people exist. For a lot of us women, it’s hard to believe. We are kind, caring, and want the best for others. If someone got hurt because they felt we looked at them the wrong way, we would probably feel awful. Can you imagine then what kind of person it takes to lie like this? To deceive and hurt others to this extent? No, we can’t because it’s not in us. It has been the most difficult thing wanting to know ‘why’, and with these men, we may never know. They have some kind of sickness.
4) Move on. Heal. As a Christian and believer, I have realized that the only way to deal with the pain is to give it to God. I pray constantly, tell God my feelings, my thoughts, whatever is going on inside of me. I give it to him. I also pray for the man that hurt me. I prayer that he gets better and changes. As much as he hurt me, I still care. I want him to change. I want him to be a better man, a better father, and a better husband. I hope he realizes what he’s done and sees how his actions have hurt the people around him. I hope he realizes the hurt he’s done to me. I have done all I could to help him. I was good to him in all our relationship, and loved him with all I could. Now all I can do is pray. I hope he takes this situation and turns he’s life around. I can only hope and pray.
For all of you who have been through this, keep your head up. You are all beautiful and wonderful women. You did nothing wrong here. You just loved the wrong man. Next time, give your love to someone who deserves it and trust your instincts. Take care.
written by dummer then dirt, 10 September, 2012
I am a widow and was at the time I met Mr. widower, well that is what he said he was...he new my son in business so there was no reason for me to suspect he was lying.
after about 7 mo I agreed to go out with him and after almost 9 mo we were intimate. He knew that I would not be intimate with a man unless I felt love and he said he felt the same that sex was very important to him as well.
we were together a few more times when things just didn’t feel right. He would never spent the night with me and he never did anything with me that showed me he wanted me to be part of his every day life.
He did not live in the same county so I would go to him or he would come to me. everything just seemed to secretive and I began to search for clues..
well he wife was not dead and this wife was #8....good lord now I am emotionally invested and have been for the last 4 years, but this past few mo have been very hurtful, not only is he married but he is sleeping with every woman from here to Pittsburgh PA. To Know that he is on sites that would only be called hook up dating, on loose woman after another..oh and the story gets much worse but I will not tell what it is.
Each time I try to pull away he pulls me right back with pity for him..but this last week I had to step away for me, cut it off, maybe one day I can talk to him with out feeling such hate...hate for using me and humiliating me, making me question my self worth.
I had to take a real good look at what I was allowing him to do to me. I was giving him to much power over defining who I was rather then defining my own work..
these men are parasites and pray on those of us women that are intimate with emotion and not just as a body function.we build their egos, these narcissistic sociopaths..that is what they are, they have no consideration for the harm they are doing...granted his marriage may be loveless, sexless, but that gives them no right to do damage to another person..they go for us rather then meaningless sex, oh it is meaningless to them, but they know it is not to us and that is where the game is for them, making them feel good.
We are so much more then they are, we know how to love and give and care, they are just hollow empty souls walking this earth without sad is that.

written by Denesie, 04 October, 2012
Help me out here,

I’ve been dated this man for 2 months now, we have great chemistry, similar interests, etc and he just told me he is "technically" still married. I was in shock because I asked him while we where hiking if he had ever been married, has kids, STD"s etc and his replies where no. So he continue with his story and I find out that he entered the marriage because he felt that it was finally time to settle and have kids with a beautiful woman, a month later he figured out that it was a mistake. So I figured...hey do it Kardashian style and annul it or divorce, he response was that he can’t because she would get deported back to her country and he had already agreed that he would stay married to her until she got her green card. So Im thinking geez this is a mouthful but everybody makes he continued his story he tells me he still has to pay for her car and half the rent since he wanted to live separately and move on with his life. They live separately and we have only hung out at his place, i sleep over, we go out alot, make out but no sex yet, there are no signs of a women around, but he still pays half of her expenses because he feels guilty for kicking her to the curb so early on, plus he has to take photos of with her for immigration meetings. Although I told him initially I didn’t know if I wanted anything serious I still wanted to have the option if things every progressed with neone. Should I move on, date at a distance, or try to deal with this situation ( she gets her green card in a year ) ? Im torn on what to do here?
written by Jeanne T, 01 November, 2012
I am sitting at home with emotions all over the place. I am 58 years old, dynamic, funny, awesome business sense, and an IQ that is considered beyond genius. What the hell? I ran into an old friend of my oldest brother about 8 months ago. Ironic since I have known him since I was about 8. I always had the biggest crush on him. As I mentioned, I ran into him about 8 months ago. In our conversation he told me he had loved me since the first time he hugged me when I was 14. He even remembered what I wore. Of course we were 12 years apart so he would never have shared those thoughts with me when I was merely a teen and my eldest brothers best friend. We started spending some time together but he would never go beyond kissing and making out (for lack of words). Months went by and though he finally told me where he lived I was never invited over because his place was less than livable. I travel a lot for my profession and when I did travel he always let me keep my Jag and motorcycle at his him where I would drop them off and pick the up. Since I traveled for many weeks at a time I did not like leaving my motorcycle and auto at my condo. Our texts of love were intense and though I didn’t see him much even when I was home we were that awful expression that I have become to hate "soul mates". He was smitten with me and I with him. This is s man that was known throughout our community where we grew up and I just recently returned as the most kind and generous man one could know. He has a hare lip and though it affects his speech a bit it is not noticeable and he is now 70. To stereotype him would make one a non believer that he would be anything but what he portrays as himself. I was beginning to wonder why he didn’t want me sexually and as a woman my ego was a bit impaired. During the course of our relationship I found out he had prostate cancer and after researching in depth thought this was the issue. Last week I arrived home late into the night and thought I would drive by his home and leave my business card. I pulled up and his son was there feeding his dogs for him and stated that his dad was more likely than not at his home in a city about 20 minutes away.. A home I knew nothing about. I did a background check and found the address easily enough along with his wife’s name on the property!! Am I like totally retarded? I have talked to him since and he told me he had no intentions of ever falling in love with me but did and as the months passed he just didn’t know how to tell me. The house I was aware of was pretty much a storage home for his nine motorcycles and equipment for his construction company. He cried and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I in turn told him that (1) I never move in on another woman’s territory and (2) I don’t even remember what 2 was, I blocked him from calling and texting me and for the last week I have holed myself up at home, all doors locked and pretty much sitting in the dark watching all of my Steve Wilkos reruns.. Lol. What the hell!
written by Ouch, 05 January, 2013
Just found out my boyfriend of 1.5 years is married. It hurts so badly. However, a little piece of me feels relief. There were so many signs that I dismissed as me being paranoid. So many times, I felt he was lying. I even told him that it felt exactly like dating a married man, and that I felt like a mistress. He denied it all.

I’m almost 49. You would think that by now, I know to ALWAYS trust my instincts.

I’m hurting. Can’t wait for some time to pass so that I will feel better.
written by debster, 23 January, 2013
I’m a 42 year old woman that found out I was dating a married man. We have been involved in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. He was vague about all questions. Lie after lie was always uncovered. He was from India originally, so he could use the translation problem later as being why he didn’t understand what I meant. He would get upset at all my questions, then say I’m always starting a fight. I broke up with him a couple months into it because I told him it wasn’t right that he disappears on the weekend and I didn’t know where he lived. One night he called me crying, saying I was right; he was married AND even had a child! Same ‘ol same ‘ol of him not wanting to lose me. He said he lived separate from his wife too because it was an arranged marriage. This is a guy I asked repeatedly if he was married initially and he said no. I grabbed his hand and looked for a wedding band tan line, and there was none. Why the hell lie?

Unfortunately, me with my big heart...I gave him another chance. I gave him SO many chances. He gave me nothing in return other than excuses why we couldn’t see one another once a month. He isn’t a citizen, so he had to move away for 6 months in Florida. I know his wife isn’t with him, at least not there. However, he moved back to NYC eventually (I live in DC). He promised he would see me more once he moved close to me. Nope. Something always came up. He became more mysterious and difficult to track down. He used his daughter as the constant excuse why he couldn’t spend time with me. To use your kid, which I’ve never met, as an excuse to not spend time with someone you claim to love is playing dirty in my book. Holidays, weekends...always the kid. I was never invited to meet his child either, nor his family, nor his friends.

I’ve broken up with him many times. I’ve considered suicide. I feel like I’m losing my mind. On top of all of this, he’s emotionally unavailable. He’s never bought me one gift either and we’ve known each other for a year and a half.

I told him I needed a commitment. He wouldn’t comment, so I broke up with him (for the millionth time). Two weeks later he contacts me to say he needs me and misses me. I do believe these men love us. It’s wrong to say they don’t. However, they don’t love the same way we love. I went crazy, as usual, blowing up the text messages on his phone about what a bad person he is. When I calmed down the next day, we finally spoke. He agreed he’s hurting me. I finally got him to address the commitment thing. I asked when he was going to file for divorce. He said he cannot commit. He said he’s unhappy with his marriage, but isn’t the marrying type. He wants to remain single. However, in the next breath he says he loves me, cannot consider not having me in his life, and that I am the best girl he’s ever known and knows he won’t find anyone else like me...not ever.

I want to be married. It felt like a knife right in the stomach when he said he (essentially) doesn’t want to get married again because he’s not happy being a married man. Finally. I just needed him to admit it. I need those questions in my mind gone. I know he didn’t want to lose me, as I don’t want to lose him either. We are addicted to one another. However, I will kill myself if I continue with him. He won’t care and will probably just find someone else after attending my funeral. His ability to love just isn’t as deep as mine. I believe men like this just cannot love to the depth that we do.

It’s important for us not to blame ourselves. First of all, the quality of men in the world is BAD. If we had better quality men in which to compare, these types of compromises we make for love would never have occurred in the first place. It’s like how gas prices slowly get higher and higher as years pass. After a while, we just adapt. The same thing has happened regarding our dating lives because the men have gotten so self-centered over time.

We are the good people. We trust with our hearts, as it should be. Our instincts are so very strong to love a man that we can make the compromises and they know it. We’re spiritual people. These men that trick us are the bad ones. They’ll get theirs. Society needs to stop blaming women for trusting bad men. Men need to just frickin’ stop being BAD! How about that, darn it?! Without people like us, there would be no love in the world.

written by Natalie313, 03 February, 2013
I just found out on Wednesday the guy i have been seeing for the past couple months is currently married. His wife called me and told me. I don’t understand. He would stay the nights with me talk to all day, take me out, etc. But as it turn out hes been married for seven years, has two children, i only knew about one. And he told me he has been unhappy for awhile now.
Since she found out, the both moved out and live in different places and he says how he still want me around.
I just feel so wrong and bad for her, my morals! But now they are separated, so is it as bad now? Also, i don’t know how to trust him, i am trying and i have not told anyone about this so i just think about it all day. I just feel lied too, i didn’t even feel cheated on because I’M THE OTHER WOMEN. i just feel lied too....and apparently he has cheated on her a few times. He told me the married when he was 18 because she got pregnant but he realized it was a mistake, he committed himself or whatever to quickly....i’ve just don’t know how long i will be able to keep this going or give him the benefit of the doubt or what to do
written by batman’sRobin, 12 March, 2013
I have been with a guy for a year, he has lived with me for 11 months, I have met his parents, and he always says how much he loves me and wants to marry me... well, he had a warrant for arrest and we are expecting TWINS so we decided it was best that he turn himself in. Two days after he turned himself in (in another city) I was able to get in contact with a lawyer, and found out that he IS MARRIED!!! she had petitioned for divorce (and has since been granted) but he also had another child with another woman and that’s why he was separated, but he "loves" me, he got my name tattooed on his arm, he wants to marry me... but I’m not sure if I should stay : (
written by Still Stunned, 16 March, 2013
I was in a relationship on and off for 3 years with a man I didn’t know was first engaged then, married. I blame myself because I always had a nagging feeling. I used to say to him I feel like your mistress and he would say that’s crazy because I’m not married. He would get upset at me for not trusting him and believing him. I’m devastated and disgusted. I learned of his lies only after we had broken up but, the pain and shock are still there. His mom died and I looked her obituary up online. I spotted his name and beside his was that of his wife’s. That’s how I found out. I confronted him and he confessed. He had no choice I had emailed him the pictures of the two of them I found on Facebook. He started seeing me 6 months after he proposed to her. Again, I found that out through Facebook. We had broken up for a year and during that time he had married her. We reconnected only weeks after her married her. After confronting him, he said don’t you think a person can love two people at the same time? The nerve! He insists what we had was real but, I don’t believe anything he says. I informed the wife because 1. I thought she should know and 2. I’ll admit, I wanted him to suffer. The wife basically told me to f-k off! I later found out that she was the reason his first marriage ended. So, I guess she knows what she has. He has left me confused and angry at myself for allowing myself to fall for his lies. I hate that anyone else had to go through this but, it helps to know that I was not alone.
written by Ashland13, 27 March, 2013
I am a betrayed wife of 20 years. The stories of other women on this site have been very helpful to me, because the other woman in this situation is not letting go of my "husband", even after learning that he lied. He told her he was widowed, got sex and then confessed and she kept him. His family has accepted this and him and he lives in their home and is trashing our marriage, which was not all bad.

What would help me with closure some day is if there is any answer on earth why a man or woman would not shut the door upon learning of such lies? He is a broken person who will not deal with wounds from childhood and this is not an excuse, but counselors have said it may be why he never finishes anything.

I am so glad to read the letters from other women here and see that there are some who will not tolerate the lies and cheating.

My husband attempted false reconciliation a short while ago but had never given the affair up. I got pregnant during that time -I thought it was real, he can really, really lie! So now it is I who will go the rest of my life with our children alone.

So much more I could write but will try to end with just the one question.

The high road is exhausting and there are no words for the grief but I work very hard. I learned from the OW during the holidays and it is some of the most pain I have ever, ever experienced. She was almost gloating and it feels like a contest. I suspect he fills a void there and I now know he is as much to blame or even more. It took a long, long time to realize "it takes two".

And I know that she doesn’t owe me anything but I cannot fathom not shutting the door on him, whether its "loovveee" or what, because it all started with huge, huge lies!

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