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I lied to my boyfriend because of his jealousy
Early on in my relationship my boyfriend had expressed how important being honest and truthful was to him.
I told him 2 days after meeting him in person, that I had unresolved feelings/confused feelings for someone else. I thought that I loved someone who I only saw 4 times in 2 years (we were friends with benefits, although the benefits were not on all occasions).
At any rate, as my feelings deepened for my boyfriend I realized that what I felt for the other man was nothing at all. My boyfriend, however, became insanely jealous and he exploded with anger when I would even mention the others guy’s name.
After one huge argument, we broke up but eventually got back together. We continued dating but every time I mentioned another man or even complimented another man, he became insanely jealous.
Finally, if a man’s name came up in conversation, I tried to pass things off as nothing… because THEY WERE NOTHING. And to avoid an argument, I would sometimes lie to him.
I’ve never done anything to be untrusted! I love him and want things to work out, but he has broken our relationship and 3 weeks later he is STILL angry. He responds to my emails, but instead of wanting to work this out, he has shut down. He is unemotional and angry.
What can I do to make this better and bring the two of us back together?
I love my boyfriend dearly, but he says he can’t trust me.
To begin with, it may help to see the situation from your boyfriend’s perspective. While you say that you’ve done nothing to betray your boyfriend’s trust, you also mention that you’ve lied to him on occasion.
Even getting caught in a relatively small lie can create problems in a close relationship. Discovering deception by a loved one creates a lot of uncertainty and doubt (see consequences of discovering deception).
Furthermore, if your boyfriend entered the relationship with concerns about being lied to, he was most likely prone to distrusting you from the start (see attachment styles). If that is the case, your boyfriend may have monitored your behavior closely, looking for the slightest signs of deception (see selective attention). As such, your behavior probably only confirmed his worst fears: romantic partners can’t be trusted.
If you want to try to repair your relationship, you are going to have to own up to the fact that you violated his trust. Denying that you lied to him or did anything wrong, will only make him feel more misunderstood, confused and betrayed (see rebuilding trust).
However, before you try to salvage your relationship, you may want to consider if it is worth saving. In most cases, lying is a relational dynamic. Both individuals engage in behaviors which make the use of deception more likely.
For instance, the more your boyfriend sets unrealistic expectations (e.g., you should never compliment other men) or reacts poorly to the truth, the more likely you are to lie to him. On the other hand, if your boyfriend would have been more understanding and reacted less harshly when you disclosed your true feelings, you probably could have avoided this problem (see getting partners to be honest).
Given your boyfriend’s level of jealousy and his apparent distrusting nature, even if you manage to overcome this latest fight, the underlying dynamic would remain the same: You will feel compelled to conceal information, which will exacerbate his tendency to distrust you.
In short, unless you AND your boyfriend change this fundamental dynamic, this issue will never really go away. Unfortunately, making such fundamental changes in how people view relationships often requires some type of counseling.
It may help to also see: How do I deal with a jealous partner.
Hope this helps.
I have my own question to ask
Truth About Deception – back to our home page.