I didn’t know I was dating a married man – Truth About Deception

Ok here is my situation. My boyfriend lied to me for 3 years. I met him about 3 years ago when I was an intern in for a PR firm in New York City. I was finishing college and getting ready to move to New York permanently for work. After the move we still were back and forth but he still did not want to commit. I told him after about a year and half of this not to call me or see me and we didn’t for about 2 months. After that he decided he was ready to get involved in a serious relationship. So we started dating and did for about 8 months. We saw each other every morning and hung out every night. He stayed at my apartment once or twice the entire relationship but never the weekend.

I got pissed about it and mentioned it several times. I never met his family which was a huge issue especially since it was his decision to fly to my home a month after we started dating to meet mine. I began to get some suspicions because of the whole weekend thing and family thing. I confronted him several times and the excuse for the weekend thing was sometimes he was traveling and sometimes, well, he had stuff to do I guess. The family thing was apparently his mother is a huge b*tch and there are a lot of family issues that he does not want to bring me into.

Well, voracious for the truth I began searching through the white pages online and found his address. I decided after this memorial day of not seeing him that I was going to call that number and sure enough an answering machine came on and it was a woman. I confronted him about this and told him I was done and he might as well tell me the truth. He tells me that he was married for 8 years and has been going through a divorce for 3 years. Part of me wants to believe him but I told him that I needed some proof for there to even be a thought of a chance in the future and the only way to do that would be to take me to his home and let me meet his mother, which is whom he claims to live with now. He says his marriage was a convenience and that they never loved each other, she cheated on him, blah, blah, blah.

His excuse for not telling me is that he did not want to lose me. Well, of course he didn’t.

The trouble with my situation is that I have never felt this connected to someone in my life in a physical and emotional way. People screw me over and I can write them off easily. We have both said we love each other. Apparently I am the love of his life, ha. I am having a difficult time dealing with him not being part of my life. We saw each other and I am in a weaning process so to speak, a very painful weaning process. I cannot quit him cold turkey. My questions to you are: Can I ever trust him again? Should I ever trust him again? How do I handle this? When will the sadness go away? How long will it take to trust him again if I ever do? Please help me... I am so depressed...


Unfortunately, it sounds like you have a deep emotional attachment to a married man (see romantic attachment).

Given that he hasn’t been able to spend nights and weekends with you in about three years, and that he hasn’t taken you to meet his family, the most obvious explanation is that he is still married. And while divorces can take a long time, often people going through a lengthy divorce start seeing other people, but they tend to do it out in the “open.”

And there are a lot of ways to prove that one is going through a divorce—the process generates a lot of paperwork. Given that he has lied to you about such a fundamental and basic issue—you deserve proof of his impending divorce—talking to his wife, talking to his divorce attorney, or getting a copy of the paperwork. At this point, you deserve all three.

But, from our perspective, we question why you would want to trust him again?

He has not earned your trust. Mostly likely, he has been using you to cheat on his wife. And while you may love him… the nice thing about intense romantic love—the kind of love that makes you think you’ve found the love of your life … most people experience that “once-in-a-lifetime love," quite often, if given the chance (see love, sexual desire, and attachment).

Probably the best thing that you can do is refuse to see him again. The longer you drag things out, the longer your feelings for him will last. And talking to a counselor about your situation might help you through this difficult time and help you see that you have better alternatives than dating a married man.

 crazy love | end of relationship | lying boyfriend | other woman | troubled relationship | will he leave

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