Shocking discovery about my husband’s cheating and fetishes

Where to begin? I am completely devastated. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years (anniversary is in 10 days) and I thought we had a wonderful relationship. We’ve been through so much together in the 6 years we’ve been together. He had a major drinking problem and I stuck by his side and helped him get sober. He’s been sober for 2 1/2 years now. For the first couple of years our sex life was great, but then it seemed as if he was never interested and if we did have sex, he had issues with maintaining an erection. I thought it was due to his drinking, so I figured that once he stopped everything would get better.

Then his mom was diagnosed with cancer and needed constant care. We both moved in with her to take care of her for about 5 months until she passed. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through (until now), but I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I figured with us going through that circumstance might help explained why were still weren’t intimate. I would guess we’ve had sex less then 10 times in the last 3 years.

Our relationship other then that was so great that I was willing to go the rest of my life without sex because everything else was exactly what I wanted out of a partner.

We moved 10 months ago to be closer to my parents and one of his sisters and were so happy, so I thought. About 7 months ago I caught him looking at porn on the internet. It bothered me deeply because I was aching for him to be intimate with me and he’d rather look at porn. He promised he would stop. I begged him to get therapy and that I was willing to go with him so we could figure out why he didn’t want to be intimate with me and felt the need to use porn. He didn’t get help and I should have pushed it.

Four days ago I received a call from a woman who said she met my husband on an alternative website (submission and domination) and that my husband had a profile on there looking for a submissive woman. She said she had slept with him the previous week and that she didn’t know he was married, but finally figured it out. She said it only happened once.

I felt like my world was over. She said she had printed out a copy of their instant messages and asked if I wanted a copy for proof. I met with her a few hours later and we talked. She was furious as well that he didn’t tell her he was married. She is actually a very nice person and I don’t blame her. We emailed back and forth a bit and she continued to give me more evidence. I came home and confronted him about it and he denied, denied, denied even though I had proof.

Seeing some of the things that he said absolutely killed me. Looking back to the night he slept with her, I should have listened to my intuition. He came home with glitter all over his face and said it was because he had hugged a coworker who was going through a hard time! I am so naive!

Over the past few days I have snooped and told him that I was doing so and found even more disturbing details that he’s been interested in this whole submissive/domination thing since right before I met him! He even had a profile on a personals website looking for women. I told him I already knew the truth and needed to hear him say it. I told him the only way we would be able to work on this is if he told me the truth, but if he didn’t then it was over. He finally came clean last night and told me he slept with her. He swears he has never done this before and I don’t believe him.

I feel like I don’t even know him and that our entire relationship was a scam. We’re meeting with a counselor tonight. He says he doesn’t know why he did this and wants to work on it. I feel so very alone. I can’t tell my family or friends because if we do make this work then it wouldn’t help with them knowing. They would never forgive him. I don’t even know if I can. I’m a very open and honest person and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, so to have to pretend to everyone that everything is great is killing me. I don’t want to go out of the house and am physically sick and can’t be far from a bathroom. I don’t want to talk to anyone I know. I just want to lay in bed. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and feel utterly hopeless.

He kept saying that he’s worthless and kept putting himself down. I told him that he was not worthless, but his actions were deplorable. I told him I wanted his passwords to his email accounts and that I would check his cell phone. I’ve been monitoring them and I changed the security on our computer so he can’t view any more inappropriate sites. I should have done that long ago, but would it have mattered?

I’m mad at myself because I feel like I should be flying off the wall with anger and don’t get me wrong, I’m angry, hurt and am pretty much feeling 100 feelings all at the same time. I told him that I still love him and want to make this work.

Is there something wrong with me that I don’t want to kick him to the curb? I feel numb and in complete shock. I’m sorry this is so long, but this is the first time I’ve been able to express myself.

Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

Response:

We know that you are feeling devastated right now. Being confronted with an unpleasant truth can be one of the most painful events in life (see consequences of discovering deception).

Most of the time our lives are driven by our routines and habits. We interact with each other and we can get along quiet well without having to deal with the fundamental issues that underlie all of our relationships: What is the truth? What is fiction? And how can we tell the difference between the two?

Unfortunately, you’ve had to face these issues with no time to reflect or prepare. You’ve been confronted with your husband’s secret sex life. Unfortunately, some people feel the need to compartmentalize their sex life—keeping it separate from their romantic relationship (see differences in love, sex and attachment). In such cases, it usually involves fetishes, which people feel their partners may not understand.

And while this ordeal is extremely painful, it is not necessarily the end of your relationship. We know it does not seem like it right now, but being forced to confront such basic issues, not only causes pain and suffering, but it also provides the opportunity for people to grow, learn and change.

Most likely, this secret has always been a part of your relationship, but now you have the opportunity to deal with it honesty and out in the open.

Through counseling, it is possible that you and your husband can use this experience to grow closer to each other. And the two of you can learn to understand and appreciate each other in ways that were not possible before.

We wish you the best of luck.

Other Options:

View all tags (specific issues)
View all questions listed by topic (broader focus)

I have my own question to ask

Truth About Deception – back to our home page.

Past Comments 47