Boyfriend denies using pornography

I had been single for about 9 months when I began to date "the man of my dreams." I’ve known him socially and had a crush on him for about 2 years. He is SO thoughtful, kind, gentle, sexy and genuine! He’s spiritual in the sense of that there is a higher power, he practices holistic exercising, and the mind has the greatest power to heal, bring good or bad fortunes, and just thinking good thoughts...always. I know that he is and would be faithful; because he had been cheated on in the past, and he has the same philosophy as me, why date if the person is not worth it?

Well we’ve gotten pretty close in the past few months, and he has given me access to his house, computer, garage etc. Well I’ve noticed that when I log onto my e-mail, there seems to be a particular website ALWAYS at the top of the selection screen. I thought he was looking up fun things for us to try, so I finally clicked on it the other day, and realized that it was a pretty explicit porn website. It seems to contain a variety of different fetishes to suit anyone’s pleasure!

Don’t get me wrong, I know that guys must fulfill their sexual desires and such, but I’ve been checking out what he checks out online before I come over, and it kind of disturbs me that he checks this stuff out it seems EVERYDAY. None of it seems too crazy or off the wall... but nonetheless... what am I to think, and how am I to approach the subject?

I can understand a single man, browsing to fulfill unfulfilled needs, but I don’t know how to put together the dichotomies of this holistic spiritual man, and this other side that I accidentally discovered.

How do I bring this up? And how am I not to think that he’s bringing this stuff to bed with us? I think I’d be willing to watch porn with him... if he asked... I’ve never been approached with that question by anyone, but I’d try it with him.


Great question.

Everyone has multiple identities, different aspects of their personality. Some identities we put on display, others we hide and keep to ourselves. And to make things even more interesting, some aspects of our identities we even hide from ourselves. So as it turns out, no one is ever logically consistent.

The wonderful thing about being human is that we can and do have multiple aspects of ourselves that are at conflict with each other—it makes life interesting and exciting—but it also makes us look like hypocrites from time to time, which of course we are.

So there is probably not much to be gained by trying to reconcile these two different aspects of your boyfriend. In all likelihood, they simply exist.

And with regard to his sexual motivation, most men are extremely sensitive to visual stimulation. Even in the most sexually satisfying relationships, men will masturbate, fantasize about other women, and use visual stimulation, and so on (see lies lovers tell survey results).

The male sex drive is a very powerful motivator, so your boyfriend’s use of pornography in all likelihood does not say anything about the state of your relationship. And as you mentioned, he may be thinking about some of the material he sees online when he is with you, but that again is very common. Unless his behavior is directly causing problems, then it may not be wise to make a big issue of it.

We know how difficult it is to see things as they really might be (that is why we lie to ourselves and each other), but ultimately everyone is entitled to some privacy even when being intimate. If the two of you are having a mutually satisfying sexual experience, do you really want or need to control what he thinks about when he is not with you?

And if you decide to talk to him about this issue—we suggest doing so in a way that will help you feel understood—focus on your feelings—not his behavior or the inconsistencies that you’ve noticed. If you focus on his behavior or the inconsistencies in his personality, it will most likely lead to a defensive reaction on his part.

So, if you are going to talk to him about it, only focus on how it makes you feel without pointing fingers or assigning blame (see talk about problems). If you can do this, it will increase the odds that he will listen to you and understand where you are coming from—ultimately creating more intimacy.

Best of luck.

Question Again:

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 4-5 months now... and I already have written to you asking about the internet, dirty porn that I discovered he was looking at a month or so ago. I continued to watch how often and how much he was looking at it, before I brought it up to him, because I didn’t want to invade his space and privacy. I could only tell by the history icon at the top of the screen of how often he had looked at it. Then all of the sudden one day there was a page on the screen that was even more disturbing to me than the porn itself. It said that his computer is being watched, and could be under investigation. It also listed some of the words as to why this may be occurring, such as... etc... And when I saw this page I was scared and horrified! It said that all online and offline activity could be recorded, and that they could confiscate his computer. I was worried sick over it, and I left him a note saying that the computer was acting funny, and the opening page was rather DISTURBING and think he should look at it, and we should talk about it. I waited 2 long days for a response, but never got one, so I brought up the subject myself. Now was his chance to admit to me that he looks at, and obviously has an obsession with online porn. I asked him, "So what did you think about the opening page on the internet that I wrote you about, and more important, what did you think that I thought about it?"

His response was that it was nothing, and it was just some advertisement to sell him more security for his computer. I asked about all the dirty words and where those had come from, and he scuffed that off for dirty e-mails that get sent to people’s accounts... I told him I don’t receive such e-mails ...and I realized that he was lying to me, and trying to play me for a fool in that he could play this off as mis-sent emails to his account, so I finally asked him... "What is …?" (The webpage that is ALWAYS at the top of the screen. And he said "It’s a porn site, I like to look at porn and masturbate, you know that. I wake you up at 3 o’clock in the morning for sex.” And that was basically all he said about the whole thing. He did assure me that he is NOT into child porn at all, and that sort of thing isn’t what gets him off, which had me worried because of some of the words. I asked him if he was ever going to share this activity with me, or at least inform me of it someday, and that how does he know that I wouldn’t watch some of it with him. I want him to know that I enjoy the female body too, and I DO enjoy sex with him, but if this is something that he does in secret, and he never intended on anyone finding out, than I don’t want to invade his space in that way; but I don’t know what to do. The conversation ended rather abruptly, and I haven’t brought it up again... but I am SO ANGRY that he didn’t come out clean with me and just admit something that is obviously very uncomfortable to him. I think he’s addicted to internet porn, and there were 2 ways he could have responded to my question the other day, and he chose the coward way out by trying to act like that it was a scam and no big deal to me or him...I feel that he lied to my face, and I DON’T DIG THAT!!!

How do I bring this all up to him again without it seeming like I nagging or prying, and the fact that I feel like he lied to me and was trying to play me for a fool? Also, it’s like he has his cake and eating it too, because I said that I didn’t mind him looking at the porn...but not as often, and he still gets sex whenever he wishes. I LOVE HIM; but I don’t want to be a push over. Thanks for your time.

New Response:

Sorry to hear that you are still dealing with this situation.

Relationships are built on trust and positive feelings—so it is important for you to deal with how you are feeling.

Even making the slightest accusation against a partner, rather than focusing on one’s feelings, often leads to negativity.

At this point in time, it might be best to talk to someone professionally about this situation. If you don’t find a way to deal with your feelings they will have a significant impact on your relationship. A counselor will be able to provide you with much better advice than we can online.

And if your boyfriend has an addiction to pornography, net addiction, offers a lot of useful advice.

Hope it all works out for the best.

 lying boyfriend | problems with pornography | unpleasant discovery

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