Boyfriend masturbates and it bothers me

I love my boyfriend dearly, and he loves me. We have a great sex life. We are both 47. He has constant sexual fantasies. They are so intense, that he has to masturbate often—2 or 3 times a week. We make love at least 5 to 7 times a week. He says when he is not with me, and he sees other women, he has to masturbate. It breaks my heart. I feel like he is cheating on me. Please help me.


It sounds like you have very active sex life with your boyfriend, which is great.

Sex between romantic partners produces a lot of physical and emotional benefits. Sex helps build feelings of closeness and it makes people feel secure (see romantic attachments).

But, as you mentioned, your boyfriend has a high sex drive. In addition to having sex with you on an almost daily basis, he masturbates a lot, most likely fantasizing about other women while doing so. This is very normal behavior. Most men (and many women) masturbate even when they are in a healthy and sexually active relationship. Men also fantasize about other women when masturbating (see what lovers lie about).

Your response to this situation is very common—feeling like he is cheating, or perhaps thinking that there is something wrong—that you are not enough for him? In any case, having sexual fantasies and masturbating does not equate with actually cheating. There is a big difference between having sexual thoughts (and masturbating) and having contact with another person (see what counts as cheating).

Most men, however, do not tell their wives or girlfriends how often they masturbate because doing so can cause problems, like the one you are now having (see lies lovers tell survey results).

So, the most unusual thing about your situation is not that your boyfriend masturbates, but that he tells you about it.

Ironically, the strange thing about this situation is not your boyfriend’s dishonesty, but his truthfulness. Ultimately, trying to change such a fundamental aspect of a person’s behavior won’t work, but if you let him know that it upsets you, he may stop talking about it (see when people lie).

 truth hurts

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