Trouble trusting my long-distance girlfriend after catching her sexting with a co-worker
I recently discovered that my girlfriend was sexting a co-worker by snooping through her phone. Her prior behavior led me to believe that something was going on, this was the one and only time that I did something like this. She said it meant nothing to her and that she said things in a sarcastic way, regardless of that being true or not I felt completely betrayed and we broke up.
One month later we started talking again and we eventually got back together, she blew off the other guy and told him that she lost what meant the most to her because of that stupid and immature exchange of texts. They still work together and since we’re in a long distance relationship she actually spends a whole lot more time with him than she does with me, since then I loathe the guy and told her to stay away from him at all costs because I don’t want to go through all this again. She said that she won’t change her playful nature because of me and that she can’t avoid him at work but that he hasn’t said anything out of the ordinary to her since then, despite this they still talk out of work and even go out since they share the same group of friends.
At the moment I have a lot of insecurities because I’m afraid it’ll happen again although she’s been reassuring me that it won’t. We’ve been at it nearly every day and she keeps telling me that she’s tired of having to talk about something that’s long past on her mind.
Despite all this really believe that she’s the woman that I’m meant to be with and I truly love her but right now it feels like I’m the only one trying to fight for us as she keeps putting herself in situations that might lead to the same or worse scenario (physical infidelity).
I’d love to get some advice from you as I’m currently drowning in my own thoughts about this whole thing.
Response:
When a partner betrays your trust it can be difficult to put the incident behind you and move on from the event.
Based on your question, you seem to be struggling with uncertainty about your girlfriend, which is common when dealing with a betrayal, especially in a long-distance relationship.
To help you through this situation, here are some questions to consider.
To begin with, did your girlfriend acknowledge her mistake, apologize for her actions, and show genuine remorse for what happened? If so, that’s a good sign. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. What matters the most is how those issues are handled when they come to light. Again, if your girlfriend took responsibility for what happened and showed remorse about hurting your feelings that most likely demonstrates that she cares about you and your relationship—take that to heart!
It also helps to consider whether you have forgiven your girlfriend for what happened or are you still holding on to anger about it? When a partner makes a mistake and shows remorse, it helps to forgive the person for the betrayal that occurred. Forgiveness involves letting go of anger and being able to see your partner in a new and positive light (see forgiveness). Do you think she learned from her mistake? Do you love her? Do you trust her? And can you let go of your anger about what happened? If you can’t let go of your anger, then it may be best to take a break from each other. Without forgiveness, relationships can’t thrive.
If you’re able to forgive your girlfriend, but your uncertainty is getting the best of you, can you find more productive ways of dealing with your anxiety than repeatedly bringing the issue up with your girlfriend? The next time you’re feeling anxious about the situation, rather than talk to your girlfriend about it, can you find a different way of dealing with your emotions? Perhaps you can write down what you’re feeling as well as the reasons why you ultimately forgave her.
Or can you think about all of the positive outcomes that occurred because of the betrayal you experienced? For instance, you got to test your relationship and your girlfriend’s love for you. You also got the chance to work through a complex problem and some type of issue like this was undoubtedly going to occur at some point in your life. Can you reflect on what you’ve gained from the experience and how you’re in a better place because of what happened? Try to spend some time “benefit finding”—it’ll probably do both you and your relationship some good.
Finally, if your uncertainty is getting the best of you, can you put that energy into finding ways to be together in the future? Some of your uncertainty most likely stems from the physical distance between you and your girlfriend. If you can put your energy focusing on ways to create a future together, rather than focusing on mistakes that were made in the past, that can also help you resolve the issue more productively. Try to focus on the steps you need to take to be together and work on resolving them.
Hope this helps.
snooping | text messages | trust issues
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