Past Comments – I cannot let go of the idea of my wife cheating

Comments (116)

written by Same here, 08 May, 2007
I have the same problem. It has been 5 years since most of the truth came out, I have recoverd from alcholism 4 years ago over it and yet it still haunts me. The least little thing and the vision is all too clear. I don’t think it ever goes away.
written by porter, 09 June, 2008
15 yrs after marriage, I caught my wife cheating. My wife whom I loved more then myself had slept with more then dozen guys. All these years she sweared on God & myself, I considered her the most faithful, trustworthy person in the world, but she ruined me when I realized that both the kids are even not mine, so please never ever trust a women.
written by understand, 10 June, 2008
Wow, what a strange coincidence and I would have thought I was alone with this type of situation. My wife did something about 20 years ago with a friend that will not leave my memory and it still feels very hurting even after all these years. I read the response given to you about focusing on your behavior instead of your wife’s and it doesn’t really make sense in my case. I was not the person created the mistrust in our relationship and I certainly wasn’t the person making the mistake. At times it feels like it was just yesterday. I think that i feel this way because my wife’s explanation was not very sincere and believable.
written by Ernesto Iturbide, 11 June, 2008
Ok, you guys are or were disrespectful to yourselves, by not acknowledging your feelings and expressing them out clearly, and even if you did you did to do anything to get out and move beyond the relationship. A true quality women will not be flirting or making such comments about any other guys besides her husband. I think you chose the wrong woman to begin with, you should have done your homework correctly. You should not have been this unhappy for so many years. Its been 15 years! You have wasted precious time of your thinking and feeling bad because of this woman?? Who do you love the most? Yourself or this woman? Its evidently that you have had poor self esteem otherwise you could have moved on with your life and perhaps had learned from your mistakes and had found a new woman in your life.
written by Dam!, 05 July, 2008
If you change 29yrs to 16yrs, this would be my life. I also feel my wife has been cheating the whole time. She never talked about another guy but when we were younger my little daughter(3 at the time) had a crush on a younger co-worker. My wife would always bake him cookies and drop of little gifts at his house with my daughter. Of course when I confronted her about all the time she was spending on this she claimed it was all for my daughter. As for looking back at my actions, I feel I have done nothing wrong.
written by Scout67, 17 September, 2008
My wife I believe has been cheating on me multiple times we have been married 15yrs. I discovered naked pictures of guys that they had emailed to her and also 14 guys on a myspace site we are currently separated but why can’t she just tell me the truth. She says she hasn’t. I just need this for closure but she will not admit to anything.
written by thenewguy99, 18 September, 2008
My wife slept with a mutual co-worker at a party one night before we were married. We had only been dating for a very few weeks. I found out by the mark I discovered on her, she admitted it, he admitted it. They chalked it up stating too much alcohol. I just decided it was only sex. We got married, she said that she would never do anything that would harm her children. That mutual co-worker was married at the time of the incident. He came by 10 years later with his wife and kids. He mentioned to me that he would be all over my wife, except that we were friends. He told me that I should have all kinds of women on the side. I asked my wife to not have any contact with this person ever again. She changed her e-mail password and starting taking her laptop over to a friends house. I do computer forensics for a living and my suspicions got the better of me. I took a look at her computer. The logs indicated that her friend was using the laptop. This means that my wife was using her friends computer. One night my wife went next door to "chat with the girlfriend" at 2am, after a block party. I went over a few minutes later to find her on the computer and closing down all of the windows before I got to the computer. She then lied to me and said she was sending an e-mail to her other girlfriend. I presented her with the facts that I had the next day. She finally admitted to being in e-mail contact with the guy that I asked her not to contact. She claims that they are only friends and that I had no right to tell her who she could be friends with. She claims that the only reason she chats via e-mail with him was because I had told her not to do it. I asked her to log in and show me the conversations if there was nothing to hide and it was all innocent. She said she had deleted everything and there was nothing to see. She still doesn’t want me to read anything. I met his wife. I think I would not be able to stay with her if I was him either. I wonder if my knowledge of what happened 12 years ago between these 2 and the fact that she is going to such great lengths to hide her e-mail conversations is going to be the end of our own relationship.
written by WCSdancer, 17 December, 2008
Sorry to tell you this but that nagging gut feeling that you’ve had all these years is almost certainly accurate. I went through the same for years and years. This nagging uncertain feeling in my chest that I could never really get rid of, this sadness and pain kept coming back. Without going into details, after years and years of denying and lying, my wife finally told me the truth--she had had a one night stand with someone. Extremely painful, but thank god the uncertainty and questioning are over. That was terrible. But I also thank god that I listened to my heart and gut instincts--they told me the truth when my logical brain couldn’t figure anything out. Once again, sorry to say this, but your gut feelings are probably accurate no matter how much your wife denies it.
written by Brian55, 12 January, 2009
This is not good advice. I too am married 29 years. A number of years ago, my wife told me about "Jimmy," an old friend of hers from her early 20’s. He had a tough life, lost his father at an early age, and was also in an unhappy marriage. She asked if it was ok to see her "friends," including Jimmy, for lunch or drinks on occasion. I liked the fact that she asked if it was ok. What could happen if she is honestly telling me who she is meeting with? However, I began to get a feeling that Jimmy was not to be trusted, and I told my wife this. She insisted they were just old friends and not too worry, that I could "trust her" to handle him if necessary – which I did with all my heart and soul. Without all the gory details, this weekend I confronted her with some birth control I stumbled across, and she admitted having sex with him starting about 15 years ago, that it had been "on and off," though not in the last few years. She of course said the cause was our own unhappy marriage. etc. My point is – just because your spouse talks about the person she is cheating with, should NOT be taken as evidence that they are not having sex together. Trust your gut.
written by PeterB, 13 January, 2009
Their capacity to cheat is exceeded only by their capacity to lie about everything and anything. Their claim about their rights to harbor these "secrets" is as much an insult as the deeds themselves. I have stood by my marriage and my family using my own denial supported by hers for 25 years. I also have tolerated almost complete denial of my rights as a husband. There is no bigger fool on the planet when it comes to marriage than me. Even now when the ultimate betrayal has finally been revealed I have feelings of being just too old and too tired to do anything really constructive, although, I now deny her the cash she once squandered on a regular basis and let me tell you the money means more than anything to these maggots.
written by the chump, 29 January, 2009
I got together with my girlfriend 3 years ago even in our courting she got together with an ex then explained it as some unfinished business. In my three years with her she has managed to have three threesomes behind my back, including her friends that used to come by my house and hang out, and pretend to be my friends. Her and her girlfriend had a fun word they called their main sex buddy. She has also had a three year time frame of calling him and having an emotional affair behind my back. The whole time I was having an nervous breakdown and crying to her she would just ignore it.There are no anti-depressants big enough to deal with my pain. And you want to hear the most pathetic part ? I still live with her, she tells me shes changed.
written by SJack, 01 February, 2009
Today is 1-31-09 and just found out in august that my wife of 9 years but 11 years total of being together has been cheating on me since 2006 that I know of?? In total I’ve been able to find out about 5 different men. she has admitted to physical sexual relationships with 3 of them and (texting, phone and email) emotional fantasy relationships with the other 2. However, getting her to admit to the 3 and then only partially. she will only admit to having had sex with each them only 1 or twice however, the text and email contact numbers in the thousands as well as trips across the country to be in the area where these guys are. this has wrecked me emotionally and mentally, I’m depressed to the point o suicide. I found out in august 2008 and we have argued continuously since then. However, prior to that I thought our relationship was good. we rarely argued over the 11 years, I could probably count the times that we argued on both hands thru out that entire time. my life is shit behind this. she says that it is because of my drinking, I’ve stopped drinking, but in reviewing the bank records, i found that when ever she went to see these men, one of the first things that they did prior to having sex was go and get liquor. Now since I’m watching her email (only 1 account that I do know of) she has warned them that I’m doing so, but one of these ass holes knows this and stills emails her all the while taunting me as he does so. I love my wife but she seems not to care that this is killing me. I seriously mean this is literally killing me. I’m dying. Tessa is my world, and I only know how to be in love with her even with this crap being fed to me. I’m enslaved and can’t help myself.
written by earl, 07 February, 2009
Sjack, from nearly the same experience as you, i will beg you, if you are truly suicidal please seek help from a professional, believe me i went through the same for 6 years, heavy drinking, depression, and i had a severe breakdown while my ex was carrying on a poly amorous relationship, trust me tessa is only a person, and the sooner you get past her the better, my ex actually hid the fact that she was a prostitute for 5 of 6 years, i still have trust issues, even though i’m married to another woman (my ex and i weren’t married thank god) my wife and i have been together now for 1 year and a half, and has proven that i can trust her without question, and loves me unconditionally and understands what i went through, and is patient with my trust issues, trust me when i say once a cheat always a cheat, better to move on without a cheater. not all women are bad, some of us get the predators, but just as there a bunch of men out there that are rubbish, we know that there’s many of us that are decent, and committed partners, women are the same, so everyone here please seek counseling if you feel suicidal or seriously depressed, i got help emotionally from my parents, and my best friend, and my wife continues to support me emotionally. take the time to heal, and take your experience as a lesson learned, it only gets better when you’re over her.
written by MikeS, 20 March, 2009
I got married in November 2008. We?ve been together for 5 years now and have 2 children. I?ve been away on an assignment in another country 3000 miles away since beginning of December. I talk to her every day on the phone and email. In the middle of march while on the phone with my wife she told me that she cheated on me twice ? once in the middle of January and once at the end of January. She is saying that she would?ve never told me have I not been around someone else while I am here. She is saying that it was 1 night stands. Nothing more than just sex. Physical sex and nothing else attached. She is saying that both times it was while she was drunk and after a party.

My situation is this: Ive been in another country and could not get back to here since beginning of December. I?ve been hanging around this one girl and we did go all the way to second base, but no sex or oral. That was around beginning of March and nothing since. And I broke it off.

So. I am not excusing my behavior. I am not saying that one is justifying the other. But now I am not sure what to do. I do not want to leave my children; I do not want to have a custody battle. I am not in the mood to have a divorce. But what are the options? What would you do in my place?

written by suspiciousaboutdb, 26 May, 2009
18years of marriage. I just found some emails about sucking and licking last night. Not sure how long its been going on but I had a bad feeling about it. Last year she said a couple of things on separate occasions that shocked the hell out of me. Then there was times when I asked for her phone to set something up that she wanted. she said what do you want my phone for? Well you said you wanted me to set this thing up. She got really excited about it I walked away mad and really suspicious. last night she finally agreed to setup phone. I surprised her she said we’ll do it later we went to do something and I followed her and I found her on her phone. I said, " had enough time to clear what you dont want me to see?".

so I set it up. and I had a chance to see an email account on gmail that I had no idea she had. I looked at her inbox of course it was empty. I did look in her trash and saw some emails that were very disturbing but really prove nothing. he says bite me, her response how about a suck and lick.

Not sure what to think and not sure what to do.
written by helpless situation, 08 July, 2009
I just found out back in Oct. that my wife of 12 years was having a relationship with a woman. I couldn’t figure out what was going on and I was being lied to so I hired a P.I. to have her followed. It was worth the expense, I had to know what was going on. Your best friend in the world just does not shut down on you like she did to me. We have two young children together and I hate to see them go through a divorce. We have been to marriage counseling and I have tried to forgive her, but I just cannot forget about the way she treated me.
I am now convinced she is struggling with her sexual identity, so I am getting out, I am tired of being hurt. I cannot go on like this any longer. I am getting ready to file. You may think you know some one, but you really do not.
written by Ofentse, 02 August, 2009
thanks to each of u guys who posted comments. I must acknowledge that your experiences are informative and relieving. My partner of 6 year now 7 has cheated on me 2 months back. When I found out I almost barehandedly killed her. I’ve been struggling to come to terms with me abusing her physically & her cheating on me. it is important to learn self control & anger management. Life is not suppose to be a struggle.
written by carlo, 06 October, 2009
same here 10 years two kids (3,5 and 4,5) she went all the way to germany to cheat, now she’s back I’m still in love and I’m suffering more than see my brothers killed in action ! This is because she’s not happy!
I think that everybody should start to teach more the meaning of values in our society !
+So our kids want act so irresponsible !
written by LeoR, 08 October, 2009
To the original poster, your posting has haunted me like no other I have read.

Can you update everybody on how your doing? And your situation?

Why didnt you ever hire someone to find this guy, and then ask him yourself what happened? Skip asking your wife altogether.

Or, you could pretend to be your wife, and contact him via an email address (open a google address with your wife’s initials or something) and see what happens?

Please let us know...
written by DataDude, 17 October, 2009
I do not have this problem but I am trying to help a dear friend of mine who just cannot get this out of his mind after 25 years. I asked him what he thought about the most each and every day and he said it was the fact that his wife had an affair with his BEST FRIEND over 25 years ago and he cannot get it out of his mind at all. It is driving him insane. He thinks about the actual act they both committed to each other and even when he is trying to make love to her that is the image that comes to his mind every time.
I am amazed that he has remained with her after all these years. He said I am the only person he has ever told this to, not even his brother knows.
I just don’t know what else to tell him other than that he needs to get on with his life because he cannot go back and change what happened so long ago.
Are there any words of advice any of yu can share with me?

written by JFA, 26 October, 2009
Some husbands here have really been abused & mistreated by their wives. Why do you take such abuse? I understand some of you guys just want 2 be in good relationships. But you don’t have that with your wife. All you have is lies, backstabbing and her selfishness. She uses you as her doormat. You have to see your wife for what she is not what you want her to be. You won’t find happiness – or even relief from your pain – until you are with another woman.
written by BobGMN, 31 December, 2009
I have been married 21 years. The first time I suspected my wife, I came home from work early and just as I was driving up a a guy I recognized from her and my work place was walking out of my front door. He left and as I walked up the porch I saw my wife walking down the hallway in her night gown. I confronted her and she claimed he had given her a ride home from the County Fair. I began asking questions at work and my neighbors and found that he had been coming to my house often and he was spending much time at work away from his work station to come see her at her station.
I told her about my feelings and she claimed " we are just friends". This continued and I finally put a tape recorder on our phone outside the house and caught them using sexual innuendos. I confronted her and things got bad. We ended up in counseling and she never admitted to anything and I became the"controlling" person according to the counselor.

Years later almost the exact circumstances and resulting in me telling her again to break it off and it continued. We finally ended up in a terrible argument and she finally ended the relationship"friendship" with him.

A few years later it happened again with her boss and I asked her to end the friendship/ relationship. Again we ended up in a terrible argument and she broke it off which resulted in her being fired.

Most recently I had to go to China to work for a few months. While I was gone she got involved with a famous rock and roll group. Mind you we are in our 50’s. I thought it was great that she had something to keep her occupied in my absence. She started a web site for fan’s of this group and met another girl and guy who were partners with her in this group. The girl from Texas and the guy from Oregon.

When I arrived home in September, she was constantly on the computer, her cell phone and my home phone rang or received messages constantly. She said it was her partners calling about the website.

I ended up having to have a surgery that put me in the hospital for 2 days. She visited me once for about 30 minutes.

I asked her what she wanted for Christmas and she said a web cam. I got it for her, set it up and helped all of them setup on MSN.

She began spending every spare moment on the PC. One night her phone received a message while she was in the office on the PC. I picked it up to take it to her. I looked and it was from the guy from Oregon. I looked at the message and it was a disturbing message, so I looked at her received messages. They had been sending messages for more than 4 months and it was obviously an affair.

I logged on to her MSN account and turned on the chat log. later that evening when she went to the store, I checked the log. It revealed that they had a relationship and having very descriptive cyber sex and she was showing herself on the webcam that i got her for Christmas.

They were making fun of the fact that I was giving her to him via the cam and making fun of his wife and me. The things they were saying about us were hurtful, mean and hateful.

She knows I have opportunities to work in China again and they were planning for her to push me back to China.

I confronted her with the logs and the text messages that I forwarded to my own cell phone. They were saying I love you, I miss you and that they would be together forever.

It devastated me. For 2 days i couldn’t even look at the computer, i couldn’t eat or drink and the whole time she is acting as if it is all my fault. I take responsibility for not saying nice things and saying things she want to hear to feel wanted but this does not give her the right to do things this way.

If she is/was unhappy and wants out, she should leave first then form a relationship not do this to me when I say, I have not done a single thing wrong.

I am still trying to decide what to do. Now she has changed passwords, added passwords and added a logon password to her PC. I think she is still hiding communications, I thin she may have another cell phone now too but I am not sure.

I am lost and don’t know what to do.
written by Ikar, 13 January, 2010
I have recently found out that my wife of 4 years was constantly cheating on me with various men met on the internet. At some point of our marriage she was a swinger.

After, by accident, I found pornographic pictures of her and her new boyfriend. The pictures were taken at our home and the whole affair was going on in front of our baby daughter when daddy was at work. She endangered our baby by bringing strangers home and I told her to get the f$%^ out from the house which she did (I did that in front of her sister). I got a temporary order against her. I believe that my wife is borderline though. It is tough but sometimes man must do what he has to do.
written by Todd W, 18 January, 2010
Hey guys, first off, none of us deserve this. Without my whole story, I’m in your shoes and 2 months to date from the day I found out that my life got flipped up side down. I knew from the moment I found out and (like many of you guys I never suspected a thing ever, her motto was I will NEVER cheat and she knew what I felt about it as my disgusting dad could have had his picture posted next to the word womanizer being married 5 times in his life and cheating the time through). Anyway, I found out because the ass, a co-worker who she only saw when she had to travel (as we both work from home) that my wife was sleeping with had an actual girlfriend and she found me on facebook to tell me she found out and long story short even this guys brother called me and said his brother is an ass and that it was true and blah, blah, blah. I say the blah, blah, blah because guys trust me I KNOW how easy it is to just want to wrap our lives around this hurt we feel, but the one thing I knew when I found out,as mad and sad as I was, was I want to make this work because I love my wife, I know she loves me and yes when you have a kid it does make you think of those images of battles and a life you never wanted for you kid, but much bigger is the fact that I love my wife and we always had a great thing. So she told me the whole thing and said it was a "nightmare" and so on and bottom line since that say she has proven to me everyday that this is where she wants to be and I’m working hard everyday to work past this as guys at the end of the day all we can have is trust and I always was a trusting guy. Now we do tell each other more and maybe we were too trusting. Bottom line is if you find out your woman was cheating, you need feel that she is truly sorry for it and if you don’t get that feeling, than get out. Trust me, some of you guys in your 50’s and stuff, life isn’t worth living a lie.
We didn’t do therapy as we felt we could do this ourselves and we did. We picked up a "getting over it book" which was helpful, but really at the end of the day it’s the you and your wife who will decide if you want to move past this. Things do happen for a reason and in some weird and crappy way this will make us better. She knows, that if this happens again, I’m gone and I’ll HATE her for life. Main thing is we will never know everything and yes, I know that feeling all to well after sex now, having to have those thoughts that she was with another man cheating on me and it sucks, but if you don’t start to try to put it past you, it could eat your alive.

Basically, acceptance in this situation, the only phase is it sucks, but I do know my life would suck even more if I couldn’t have my wife and daughter in it and I know she wants us too.

Anyway, that’s my 2 cents on all of this. It sucks, but in order to move on, you need to move on with the future, whatever that is.
written by John Paul, 30 January, 2010
My wife and I have been together for almost 18 years. This June we are supposed to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. We have 2 wonderful sons who are 16 & 13. We have built a great life together with a house a SUV and a dog.
This was all laid to waste this past month when I discovered physical evidence of her cheating. I had suspected it for months, but she was always able to come up with an explanation.
When my wife turned 40 she went through a mid-life crisis, saying she needed more time for herself. She said that she had devoted everything to myself & my health problems (several surgeries in the last 2 years) and to being a mom. I supported her spending 1 or 2 nights a week at her friends place. She always called to check in, say goodnight to the boys, and was always home early the next morning. Then it started to turn into 3 nights, then 4...
Last year I started to find new lingerie in the laundry, she said it was old things that she had dug out, but I knew they weren’t.
Last July she was invited to assist at a co-workers wedding. I wasn’t invited.
What I discovered recently were cards that a co-worker had sent her, implying a sexual relationship. Then I found pictures of the 2 of them at our family’s favorite vacation spot. Then I found her personal journal with heartbreaking details of how much she loves this other man. My son’s & I are not even mentioned in it. She also left a letter on our computer that she sent to him back in May, and I found she has been looking at websites like this one.
Also back in September she started drinking again after being sober for almost 10 years. She is recklessly spending our money, recently quit her job, stays with one of her friends (maybe it’s him, I don’t know) all the time, and is bankrupting us financially.
I’m trying to work out a separation agreement with her, but she always backs out every time we try to get together.

My advice to any man out there is GO WITH YOUR GUT. If you suspect she’s cheating she probably is!
written by tarynslut, 05 February, 2010
I too was married for 11 years and had 2 children with my wife, i spent the last two years putting her through nursing school. In may i went to her graduation with all of her nursing friends. Something didn’t seem right they all appeared to know something i didn’t. Well a few weeks later i had asked my wife if she was having an affair and she fessed up. All of the nights that she said she was studying with friends or on a nursing rotation she was shacking up with this guy. All her friends knew, i was such a fool. When she told me i flipped. Since our separation she has had several other lovers and actually got pregnant by one of them within a month of our separation. We will be divorced next week. I cant wait till she is out of my life.

written by todd210, 24 May, 2010
I also have a similar situation to the original poster and I know how that type of thing can "eat you up". My advice...put it out of your mind before it destroys what little manhood you have left. Sounds harsh...maybe...but think about it for a second. First of all you don’t even know for SURE that she is even cheating. By thinking about it all you are doing is manifesting it in your mind. Your brain and body are feeling the results of it as though it really happened. You keep replaying what may have happened in your head over and over and again you are feeling the effects over and over...NOT GOOD FOR YOU! So how do you deal with it? Not easily but try this...are you still together with your wife? does she say she still loves you? does she still sleep/have sex with you? is there still hope between you? If you answered YES to some of these GREAT – so she may have slept with some other guy(s)...OK...accept that as fact (since you already have anyway in your head... and move forward. Use the past as a tool not a club! Ask yourself..Why did she go wandering?? Poor sex? You don’t listen well? Talk to her and ask her if she could wave a magic wand and get one thing from your relationship what would it be? Try to find out what she is missing and GIVE IT TO HER! If you can’t or don’t then don’t be surprised if she looks for someone who can.

In summary stop focusing on what may have happened and be thankful she is still around. Now get to work on how to make your relationship better and stronger so that you know for damn sure she is VERY happy with her relationship with YOU and has no reason to go elsewhere. It takes the bigger person to make the initial sacrifice and work to get the relationship happening but what is your option? A great question to always ask yourself "WHAT IS MY OPTION HERE?" nothing?? worry myself sick?? be depressed?? What woman wants to be with someone like that???? Be a man and show her that you are confident with yourself and that you will take charge with the relationship and make her happy (most women prefer a confident man over a wuss) IF, after some time of SINCERE effort on your part to do all of that and you’re still not getting what YOU want out of the relationship, turf the bitch! (ok had to throw in a little humour there) but seriously..if she doesn’t appreciate what you are doing, or if it looks like it’s not going anywhere, or she’s still cheating maybe it’s time to move on...remember there’s over 6.5 billion people on the earth so don’t tell me she’s the only one! GOOD LUCK!
written by Low down, 07 June, 2010
Yes Guys It’s sucks my wife going with groomsman from our wedding and good buddy.They all ways mess with the person that they work with it’s hard dealing with that everyday goes to work they see each other.She they don’t talk at all it hard for me to believe. From me knowing him he not stopping asking her being.When ever I ask is he saying anything to she says no.I have two kids she said she sorry but she don’t want to talk about it that is the problem I have.I’m trying for forty days to see what happens and how I’m feeling then I will follow my gut feeling right now I want start over with her.
written by Oldham, 07 June, 2010
The cheating woman would still gets the kid after a divorce. How should a man response? Shut an eye to the affair to keep the children and the unhappy marriage? What would you do if you were me, the woman never felt sorry for the pain inflicted on the family and is just continuing her affair discreetly.
written by silver, 16 June, 2010
I am hurting sooo bad. Me and my wife have been married very nearly 13 years. The first years were pretty rocky. At about year 5 I found out from her friends that she had cheated on me. The worst part was that we had separated afterward and she had let me move in with the guy. This was supposed to be one of my very best friends. When confronted about it she started crying, she said that it had just happened one night. She had gone over (he lived in the same apartment)to hang out and "watch movies" with a friend at his place. Her friend had left and he forced himself on her. I was ready to kill the guy. As I’m packing my stuff up to go over and kill him, her friends tells me that it wasn’t only once. I immediately called her back. Now the water works really started. See her favorite game to play is "You didn’t ask the right question." If you asked have you had sex with anyone? She could possibly respond no. This is because she had only sucked his dick. You didn’t ask the right question. See what I mean.

So Long story Short. I have forgiven her. I just can’t forget. It nags me every day. It is more then likely because when confronted about other suspicions I had I was told no, your stupid, this kind of thing. Around this time there were strange events taking place. She would go to another guy friend’s place to "watch movies". On morning she came back about 6am (daughter told me because we were separated, but working on our marriage). When she came in her hair was wet. When I confronted her about it years later, because I had just found out about it, she said "What I just took a shower over there." The place was 300 feet from our apartment. She had another "friend" she "watched movies" with. (seeing a pattern yet?) She would go to his place while I was at one of my 2-3 jobs. Ok so here we are. She had an affair. (not the one she says was forced) I knew about it. She wanted me to be friends with the guy. Then she wanted him to sleep on the couch because he had no place to go. (this is prior to her sleeping with him i assume)The next thing I know we are separated, but working on our marriage. Then she wants to just go out on dates with this guy. Next she is knocked up.

Ok hard admission. I’m an idiot. I take her back. Even though she would never come clean about everything. She was lieing to me, telling me that she wasn’t sleeping with him right up until the time she got pregnant. I have doubts about all the other situations, as most would. I can’t let it go. To be honest I can’t prove she has cheated since. That was nine years now. But I can’t let it go. It feels like fire inside me.

I have now moved to a new state for a job, so she could be close to family. She couldn’t come with me yet. Have to save up. But now another "friend" has no place to go and she is letting him stay with her. I don’t what to do. I don’t know if she has changed for good, or if she might be fooling around with him. She talks about him all the time, and is constantly with him. One of the kids is usually with them, and the kids are in the room with her. He doesn’t sleep in her bed, the kids do.

Help!!!!!!! I am at my end. I want it all to end one way or another. Fuck what do I do?
written by JohnD2780, 23 June, 2010
My wife and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. We have an 18 m/o and a 4 y/o. She currently in Afghanistan and works in a trauma room. One day after she had to put small kids into body bags she was emotionally and mentally all fucked up, and covered in blood. She went to a decon room to clean up. While cleaning up she was a mess and a man named James walked in and saw the condition she was in. She says he was trying to calm her down then initiated the incident. She says she stopped it quickly knowing it was wrong and horrible. She admitted this to me last night. I’m devastated, but I love her and want to forgive her. I’m having trouble getting passed it, and I know its only been about 8 hours since she told me. I’m scared, hurt and feel betrayed but at the same time with out giving her an excuse she was vulnerable and that guy I feel took advantage of her, but yes she is an adult and should have stopped. I’ve never put kids in a bodybag. I just don’t know what to do.
written by Heartbroken in SF, 06 August, 2010
I’ve been married 30 years, and together monogamously (i thought) for 36. I discovered my wife’s electronic diary on day while routinely backing up her computer, I found 8 years of daily entries. I also discovered that she was discarding her handwritten diaries that vey week, so I dug them out of the trash. While she never writes that she actually did the deed, I did catch her once with our female neighbor who was totally naked, and I came home from a trip and caught her stumbling in at 2 a.m.. She made lame excuses each time, but now that I have her own words.....she stalked her professor, spent time at his place drinking and smoking, and went on at least two "dates" getting drunk and "telling bad blow job jokes". All our friends either helped her, set her up with their horny brothers, ran TRW’s & DMV records to help stalking, what a-holes. She even took to stalking her gynecologist, driving by his house, calling him and hanging up, buying sexy underwear to show off her tits and scheduling an un-needed appointment. So, I have 30+ years of truth that the mother of my children has never been faithful in her heart, and almost certainly the rest of her body (guys don’t often say no). I’ve turned down direct requests for sex, and quite a few clear opportunities, so I’m the honorable one. I’m going to divorce her after she qualifies for an early pension next year. She will cashout more than $250K of my money ! My question – How do I get to the point where I can trust any new woman not to do the same.....
written by Wish i went on line years ago, 13 August, 2010
Hi Guys, I am sorry you all went through this kind of emotional downer. I married a woman in 85 who was with a guy for years. As it turns out I sent the guy to law school and she used all my money to keep her company going. As it turns out she was a sick woman. She had so many people who thought she was an angle and I was blamed for everything for close to 17 years. I lost my house to the bank and my credit was smashed. She was not just unfaithful but had a lust for anything I had. I raised my child from the age of 4 she is 21 now. Last year my co-parent took her own life. I found her with my daughter that was the most tragic thing I have ever gone thru in my life. All I can say is to forgive as quickly as possible , you wasted enough of your life with someone who did not deserve your devotion. Love is a choice it is hard to face the fact that someone you choose is letting you know she does not choose you but that’s all it really is. You don’t need to stop loving them but I do think what hurt me the most was never letting her go. I wasted so much of the last 17 years it makes me crazy. But it is my choice to stop or to continue to allow this to keep screwing with my life. I lost everything including myself but I do have my child and have made the journey back. I was the only roadblock to my recovery. I have become more independent of women so it does not matter if someone else has no class, all I need to know is that I do and I can offer some good qualities to some woman who can see it for what it is. The thing is everyone can only be who they are if they are no good that is not you and it is not me. Sorry that I went on and on but good luck to you all. You have helped me very much. Thank you.
written by john42m, 17 September, 2010
Letting go would be easier if there was not a good chance of happening again. Three years ago my wife almost told me she was cheating; she confessed doing things with this guy. She took a night job near her day job where he worked. She went in one evening, never called to tell me, she earlier said he was going to help with home work during. So doing a little math tells me she would have only had 10 minutes of homework with him, he would have waited 3 to4 hours after he was supposed to go home for 10 minutes! When she got to work that day she called me and told me at 10:00 at night. I asked where she was and I was told Mark was helping with her homework for the 7 hours. Because the math did not add up to start with I believe she was fired the night before. I think she may have even taken the job to get time with him and that is why she got fired, very long lunches. Some time after when she had finished school she said to me she wanted to take all the people she worked with who help her through school to the area where she studied. But, Mark was the only one who could make it, I told her that sounded like a lot of fun, when are we going? She said it was only for those who helped her through school so I was not invited. This blows my mind, she thinks so little of me she didn’t even think about the facts that every night I was feeding her child, giving him his meds every night, played with him every night, and putting her kid to bed every night. Also, I guess the hours I spent helping her search the net for info she needed didn’t mean anything. She insisted that only her and Mark or just forget it. I said you better forget it and asked her were she got the balls to ask me if she can go out on a date with another man and I got the same shit we always get, "he’s just a friend". continued
written by john42m, 17 September, 2010
OK, I feel stupid and just let it pass, then a short time ago I’m on Face Book and I have a friend who is very intelligent and from what the other girls say attractive. After a while my wife started chatting with him. We were at her sisters one day when I walked around the corner as my wife is telling her mother all about this guy and I found myself looking at 2 people who looked like deer getting caught in the head lights. I started to notice that she was staying up as much as 2 hours a night after the time she insist on going to bed. I also, saw instead of keeping threads going she would delete every email. Finally I called her on the obvious and "where only friends". My friend seems to have been an unwilling participant completely ignorant to what she was doing. I know because I got logged in as my wife and started acting like I thought she would and as I started getting things a little hotter he was backing right off, accusing her of drinking or something. After he could not understand the things she was deleting, what he doesn’t know is my wife who was throwing little softies he was not picking up on but, I know my wife and would have caught it immediately. Now my friend, this sounds like high school stuff, he was only interested in a different woman, I told my wife about it and she just blew it off. Her behavior continued and I kept calling her on it. Then I started talking more and more about the other woman, my wife asked him and he did not want to give her a straight answer because the other woman was married. So I kept pushing the other woman and noticed that my wife was starting to dislike this woman so I played that for everything I could, my wife went almost hysterical, she told me the other woman sent her an email that was very offending, so I asked what it was, the only email she ever sent my wife was a complement and I saw that. My wife said she sent her another one and she acted like it was the worse thing you could ever say to somebody, so I started typing to this other women to tell me what the email was about, my wife begged me not to saying it’s going to make thing worse, so I told her I wouldn’t send it if she just told me what was in the email she wouldn’t so I sent it. The other woman, who I know told me she never wrote her another email other than the first one, we went through tist whole thing one more time. She could not get out of it, there was no second email and she had a growing hate for this other woman because my wife stood no chance with my friend. I explained to him and her what was going on am my wife started saying she never said there was another email, it was the second half of the only email and my wife was now happy to talk about that. I said where did the second email go, she would not admit that she ever side there was one. Life with my wife reminds me of Richard Pryor, Who you going to believe me or you lying eyes. How can I get out? I am in a lot of pain over it all, I have a lawyer trying to help me keep my house, I have been out of work for 11 months, I seem to be literally stuck, I have 3 dogs and They are very faithful and for that I will never give them up, I will sleep in my car with them, take my wife please but, don’t even try to put a finger on my dogs.
written by Foreigner..., 25 October, 2010
To Oldham,
Nobody can advice you on what to do. Everyones situation is different. I stayed for the kids and for the hope she will change, and understands one day what it is all about. It’s been 5 years since I learned who she really is. I saw my older son graduate from highschool, went to university and doing good on his own. My younger one is finishing HS and doing really good too. I strongly believe, that if i would have left none of them would even finish HS. It’s been real hard on me. I was a zombie for a month. I could not cross the street for a week. I got zapped by electricity at work as i could not concentrate on work or on anything else. I went on antidepressant for a while. That helped a lot. I know for sure that she is still getting involved with others. I tune it out and go on for the kids sake. I grew a thick skin, but I think about it everyday. And time is flying. 2 more years and the younger one will move on to college. It’s not their fault that our relationship went sour. But they really on both of us for support and stability. It sucks but alternative is they will pay a full price of the break up. There is no guarantee that someone else will be any better after a while...and maybe she will change in the process..( highly unlikely )
written by upset in SF, 06 November, 2010
Would like the advice of guys out there that have young kids and decided to stay in the marriage? Did she change? My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have 2 kids, ages 5 and 3. I just recently caught her... I’m very hurt and angry, it sucks. I know for sure it was with one guy but now some of the questionable behavior from before makes me suspicious there were more. My wife has apologized, cried, says she wants to stay in the marriage, is going to counseling (as I am now too) seems remorseful and I believe has stopped the affair (but everything is questionable now). With a lot of work from both of us, we can probably get thru this but I am not a cheater so I don’t want to be an idiot and waste the next 5 years of MY life to find out that old dogs never change. I feel like it is worth it to try and stay together b/c of the young kids, but I am 40 now and don’t want to be a fool and get hurt again. Any similar experiences out there? Thank you.
written by Nobody’s fool ever again, 06 November, 2010
I have been with my wife for 16 years. The very beginning of our relationship was like magic. we loved each other and had a beautiful daughter together. about 3 years ago things started getting weird. She is 8 years older than me and by 45 she became obsessed with how she looks. She was getting botox and started working out. Low cut tops were all she would wear as she got in better shape. She had gone on a trip with my sister and flirted with men even inviting 2 of them back to the hotel. My sister told me nothing of this to spare my feelings. I could tell something had gone on and both of them denied it. My wife and I separated a few months later for a bout 6 months. during that time my sister admitted what happened on the trip.

it later came out after we got back together that she was with men during the time we were apart. We separated again.

We got back together about 8 months later. We decided to put the past behind us. And for a year this seemed like it was working. Until she wanted to take a trip to Mexico with a friend.

To long of a story to explain how I got them but there are pictures of her drunk and completely naked with another man. She swears nothing happened an she must have been drugged. Even before I saw the pics I knew something had gone on.

Best advice guys ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT she will lie your gut wont.

I am working hard saving money and meeting woman online guilt free. I am getting away from this emotional bullshit. This woman can look me in the eyes and say nothing happened. I can’t wait to get out!
written by BETRAYED and ARRESTED, 18 November, 2010
My wife went on match, found a guy and started hooking up with him. She would meet him at his apartment while I worked during the day. Our 3.5 and 1.5 year would get left at a baby sitter some times. Other times, when she just had our little Faith... she would nurse her to sleep and then go blow the guy. That happened several times. When I stumbled across her original match email she said they were just working out at the gym. I got the phone and text records... so much more was going on. She was texting like 30 to 60 times a day plus calling. She was angry at me when I found out and refused to care how hurt I was. I really thought I got lucky in catching this so early... it had been only 2.5 weeks. I was scared they were actually going to go out dancing and kiss. I sent the guy an angry text to stay away or else. He turned it over to the police. They investigated me... called my wife and she never called me to tell me I was going to be arrested for threatening this scum bag. At the time I didn’t know the sex side. Turns out I had nothing to protect. She denied anything physical but I later learned it was a lie and key critical piece of info motivating me to keep him away from her and my children. I was arrested in my cub scout uniform with my oldest children. I called her for help and she told me she didn’t want to be involved and turned off her phone. She says she is not sorry for the affair but sorry for hurting me. I’m facing a felony charge.

It’s so raw right now...I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I actually tried to cling tightly to her so I wouldn’t lose her right after it happened, telling her I’d do anything to fix things. That’s my trauma at work.

I’m so devastated, and scared and embarrassed. Hurt beyond all reason. I kept believing her lies after I caught her and had to keep dragging the truth out of her.

The deputy who arrested me (who was actually kind to me) gave me some of the story. She confessed after in bits and drabs as she understands that this will come out in court. Can’t imagine being convicted for this BS but I have a permanent felony arrest record.

I keep thinking of her nursing our baby and then within minutes going down of this scumbag. In a million years I would never had thought this could happen.

I am so stunned and devastated.

I don’t know how to recover. I love her. But I think this will eat at my soul for the rest of my life.
written by......, 28 December, 2010
This goes to the guy who got arrested in boy scouts... Best thing is to be honest with the judge and states attorney. Be sure your defense was protecting your children since you say that’s what it is.... I’m so sorry but that women is scum. Modern day Jezebel. I myself seem to be in this type of situation. I cannot wait to find out....
written by written by jimbo, 07 January, 2011
I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, she had slept about a bit before me and with this one guy in particular while we was sleeping together. We made our relationship official but she still continued to text and talk to this guy on social networking sites saying that they was just friends and that she was helping him with relationship advice. She says she hasn’t cheated and I genuinely believe her she is not the sharpest tool in the box at the best of times so I just think that she could be stupid enough to think that its not a big deal because she didn’t do anything physically wrong or maybe I’m just being naive??
Either way whatever she has done I cant let go of the fact that she was speaking to him I don’t know why something like talking would get to me so much maybe because they was sleeping together before.
written by DaNu, 16 February, 2011
Wow. I have sat and read all these posts. I am already beginning to feel a bit more at ease as it is only because I have become aware that I am " NOT ALONE " drowning in this sea of BULLSHIT right now.... Someone throw me a life vest, I’m drowning here.

Ok, I’m like most of you guys here, Married for 15, together for 16. This is my second marriage. My first wife was unfaithful to me and now it appears likewise is my second.

My wife and I have had a good marriage I thought and have two lovely daughters. Like most of you, we had many good and bad times alike but worked things through together.

Never the less, my gut always spoke to me when things didn’t seem right, you all know what I mean when I say that. I’ve listened to my gut on a few occasions recently and I fear the truth I may find.

Recently, My wife was having an inappropriate relationship with a young man. I only endured this torture for a bit, then told my wife how I felt about this male she had befriended. Like most of you, she said that I was making something out of nothing. She had gone out with this young man on a couple of occasions that I was aware of, I trusted her as my wife to behave as my wife, boy was I a dumb ass.

I recently, on an outing with my wife, we encountered her lover who was with another younger woman. While eavesdropping, I overheard this young man brag to his present female companion that he had fucked my wife and that I had no idea. What a POS. Anyways guys, first things first, the LOVER’S, who cheat with our partners forget them, they aren’t worth a pile of dung.

My wife asked why I didn’t question her lover when I had overheard his bragging. As rational and logic crept through, it was easy to peer at our non-existent sex life and realize I had a choice to make. Either my wife was lying to me redundantly about her adultery or this creep was telling the truth, bragging over my wife as a fucking trophy. Guys, I know the pain you all feel, I’m with you all!

I confronted my wife with his statements and she told me, “ I didn’t hear anything“, “ Your crazy, your hearing things”, is what she says. Let’s face it guys, some of these women will never owe up to cheating, it’s crazy, truly insane and it is our duty not to fall into this sea of bullshit.

Ok, we still want stability in our lives right? All right, what do we need for this to come to pass? We need to believe again. When our mates won’t be truthful, what is our next step, to merely assume there is something wrong with us, which drove them astray. This is obviously not going to be over anytime soon…. What am I going to do next?

I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror. It was there in a moment of clarity, I realized that what my wife did to me was terrible indeed it hurt me bad. I felt horrible and it still hasn’t fully let up. However, I am responsible for my “OWN” levels of self-esteem, not my wife. So I began to run an inventory. Kind of a self-diagnostic program in my head if you will....

Peering in the mirror, mental notes are scribbled out; I’m not too out of shape, Body is still holding together, fighting off the flab, trying to keep firm, I’m still a good looking guy, I still have 2 great daughters who love me. I still attract the female eye and I have whit and great character. I still have a sense of humor and I don’t care if my wife loves me or not for I now see the truth that my wife is a liar.

I have presently moved out and left my home, seeking a place of solitude in my guest house where I can begin to clear my mind and lift myself from this awful place where my partner has put me. Time gentlemen, TIME heals all! I look forward to more of this string and sharing the healing process, hoping it helps to heal others hurting inside like me..

written by Genghis John, 23 February, 2011
I totally agree with the previous post regarding the healing power of time.

A word of advise that I wish I had when my discovery of infidelity occurred. At that stage, 29 years of marriage and two daughters, then 15 and 12. 15 year old is autistic.

A long story short, when you have proof of cheating, get him/her out of the house immediately. Do not hesitate!! In your pain it will be hard, but make sure that you get them out. I did not and I am now in a costly legal battle. I wanted to try and save the marriage. Big mistake!!

Make sure that they leave without the children. Don’t feel sorry for them. She/him doesn’t feel a thing for you (sorry to tell you this), they are going to carry on lying and it will only be to keep you off guard. Do not fall for this. When confronted with proof of infidelity, the first thing the infidel does is deny, deny, deny. Then you will be blamed for the affair! You will feel guilty and horrible. Put their clothes on the sidewalk and never look back!!

Make sure that they don’t leave with any vehicle you own. If they don’t have a vehicle, the lover/friend can come and pick them up. Be strong and look after yourself. The children need you. If you have no children, you owe yourself a life where you are happy.

They abandoned you and they knew what they were doing. You’ll come to realize this in time. Time heals. But be strong, although you feel so very, very hurt and betrayed and will want them back etc etc. Get them out of your life, pronto.

Start the divorce proceedings, get the best lawyer, and get on with your new improved life.
Be honest with yourself regarding your contribution to the infidelity (plenty of books and websites to help you with this). This is good for understanding, if you need it. I did. It also helps knowing these things with your new friends.

Look after yourself physically, plenty of books and websites to help you, but you will need to exercise and eat right. Body for Life is excellent and your smashed self esteem is going to enjoy the compliments of your friends, colleagues etc as you become lean and confident. The exercise will act as a natural anti-depressant.

Look after yourself mentally and spiritually. Go to church, or temple or whatever provides your meaning. If you want to explore other spirituality, do it. They all provide a meaning for your life.

Look after yourself emotionally. Get a counselor, but in my opinion they are too wishy washy. But they help in the beginning. You need strength, you need to believe in yourself. Go and find it.

Go back to hobbies you gave up, take up new interests, immerse yourself in the joy of life. Do the things you’ve been putting off for that “special time”. This is the “special time”. There is no one to stop you. Only yourself. It may feel particularly miserable in the beginning, but…. Know this.

You will come out of this a better person, stronger in all aspects, compassionate and enjoying the life you deserve. You will marvel at how good life is and the end of a marriage, although a death of sorts, is also the rebirth of a new life.

You will also understand, that no spouse is responsible for your happiness. You alone are responsible for your own happiness. When you get there, you’re ready for the special person in your life. They’ve been waiting for you.

I know that some of you, in your misery will not believe what I’m saying. But, time will heal and you will be grateful for this rebirth.

written by bil, 27 March, 2011
Thanks for the insight..I’ve be marry for eight years. My wife recently confessed to having the many affairs the whole relationship. I thank God we don;t have any kids... I’m out door with no time to waste.. Once a cheaper always a cheaper... Good luck to all....
written by louieg, 28 March, 2011
i have been with my wife for 23 years and i found her but naked with another man getting fucked just 2 days ago. the good thing the guy got away or else i would have killed him when i asked her what hell was wrong with her she said she was drunk and it was a mistake and she never meant for this to happen i dont know what to do i have a 12 year old boy he is everything to me do i leave and break his hart or do stay and try to work it out. Can someone help
written by biggest loser, 01 April, 2011
I have been married for 16 years with 4 kids, 8 years ago my wife cheated on me. She tried to say it was my fault,and the she was totally in love with me before the affair but that i changed. So after counseling we stay together, she denied that anything physical happened, but the word coming back to me was that... is fing her...but she kept that lie going for 8 years. along the way i have had my suspicions and she never allowed herself to get caught. About a month ago I found his wallet in my truck and confronted her. She admitted to a friendship, his marriage was falling apart and she was unhappy in hers. She also accidentally admitted that there was something physical in the affair eight years ago. I still dont know if i was more happy than angry, after eight years of knowing in your gut that she was lying to finally hear the truth, and then finally hearing that kind of truth was like a punch in the gut. Anyhow, i must be the biggest loser cus I am in counseling again, but it is different this time. Last time out, I allowed her to blame me for pushing her away and into his arms. This time i am taking a very active role, admitting that I could have been a better husband etc, but I am insisting that she does not get a pass because of that. She is going to admit everything from the past, and give me a real apology and better work like hell to make up for what she put me through or I will leave her when we are done, thats right, i will give her a taste of her own medicine. She doesnt seem to understand that when you are going through this you go a little crazy. I cant make the simplest decision without second guessing myself because she made me unsure about every little thing by denying her affairs. Its maddening. She says its over, but if i follow her and dont catch her i get no comfort, maybe she will meet him next time is what goes through my mind, how long do i act like a private detective before i believe she isnt cheating? Anyway I will stay or go based on what happens in our counseling sessions, but will never be the same confident guy i was when she fell in love with me, and that hurts the most. She got to me and totally screwed my head up, and i cant get back to who i was.
written by Joohhn, 21 April, 2011
All of this talk about going with your gut feeling is bullshit. You either trust your wife or not. As for things that happened before you were married, what is the sense of making yourself crazy. Ok chances are you are not the best lover she ever had, she may have had as many conquests as you when single. The thing is she chose you despite who she may have been with before meeting you while dating or anytime leading up to "I do"
written by morris27, 26 April, 2011
So I just came home from Afghanistan this month and my 2nd day home I had found out my wife cheated on me 10 days before I came home. A day later I approached her and told her I wanted to try and work things out if she did as well. She did so we started seeing a counselor and on the 3rd time my wife decided it wasn’t working and left and now she is seeing the guy who she slept with...btw this guy came back from the deployment 2 months early and slept with 2 other guys wife and my wife knows this yet she thinks he wants her. I hate myself for still loving her even after all this and still want her a little and she tells me she still loves me but it just isn’t working out and she wants me in her life but just as a friend. I just hate myself because I know this isn’t my fault and all hers but I still love her and kinda want her back.
written by patsytookforaride, 28 May, 2011
Thanks for sharing all these stories, it is helping in my time of despair. My wife told me she cheated on me early in our relationship, and I flipped out and totally lost it. After that she denied she had cheated, but kept seeing the same guy as ‘friends’. At our wedding she and him disappeared together for 1hr, I am such a patsy. Then recently this guy’s girlfriend was away and he invited us to his place to ‘play golf’. I didn’t feel like going but wife said ‘it’s important, we promised’ so we go, and they are seducing each other right there in front of me. I’m such a patsy they can get it on right in front of me. Finally I exploded and raged at the guy, and he denied they ever did anything and I left. Now working on getting divorce, wife still denies anything happened. I have tried to split up so many times before but need her and keep coming back like a wuss.
I agree with the guy who said we are acting like wusses – so many men today, we were raised by mothers (no father around) and became wusses who learned to do what the woman wants. We can do something about it though, check out Man Transformation DVDs by David DeAngelo, or the Mankind Project. These guys are working to give us back our manhood and change wusses into men. There is hope, even at 50 or older. God bless you all.
written by John M, 29 May, 2011
That’s one heck of a story. We get dependent on these women and fear abandonment. I was not ready to let go for some time, I hardened myself by doing whatever it took to not care; I even shut the sex off myself. It so ironic I get this message today because my wife moved out yesterday for good. Being alone is what is hard, not, not having her here. She left in the way you can expect from a user, she waited till my unemployment ran out, or got lowered to a useless level and they are foreclosing on the house. I have nowhere to go, I can’t get a job no matter what I do, I am 52 and in a women’s field (dental hygiene) I even picked up the phone book and started calling dental office in there. I apply for just about every job; even with a maid service, all I get is I must have sent my resume to the wrong place. I email them back to try and convince them that I want the job advertised. My wife said I’m not really looking for a job. She waited till I needed her for more than her companionship and when I hit my lowest she bailed out. She is not worth the pain I have gone through and I will never do it again.
written by John M, 29 May, 2011
To all you guy, DUMP her; you are just putting yourself through hell. It only hurts for a short time and then you get relief. Some of you are worried about you child, you will do more harm by never being able to trust her, it will be a conversation that can fill your life, scum like that is not worth the pain. Send her out on her own and watch what happens. When a woman has a male "friend" and wants to hang out with him, your gut will not lie. There is no such thing as a man and a woman being just friends, she will start confiding in him about all her problems, then the holding and comforting her leads to her pants coming off. They will play you like a fiddle; they get some kind of perverted rush getting away with it, they may not love each other but they like the sex and the rush. Get rid of her, she is lying and will never admit it till she gets caught red handed, then they have some excuse and feel terrible and will never do it again. What she means is she will not let you catch her again. Women like that will not change, so get her out of your life and save your sanity.
written by patsytookforaride, 31 May, 2011
That’s tough – I feel my wife also has tried to keep me from getting independent by convincing me to buy a house we could barely afford and similar things. the sooner I stand up for myself the better I’ll be but it is hard.

You can get a new job, even better than your last one. My dad was 59 before he got a good job, bankrupt twice he went back to college at 55 and managed to find a job in his field after graduating. Check out ‘Who Moved My Cheese’ simple story but really helps.

For all those guys who are on their own now, the dating advice sites like David deAngelo and David Wygant have stories from lots of guys age 50+ who are now getting more women than they ever got in their 20s because they are learning to be confident men who naturally attract women. It’s never too late.
written by John M, 31 May, 2011
I hope you’re right, I keep getting week moments. I will never trust again. I used to think that after a certain age women will stop cheating. You know, they do all these studies about who cheats more men or women? I believe women do a lot more, but will not admit it to anybody. My wife still has a lot of stuff here and just pops in to pick a bit up here and there and that seems to be dragging things out. Often I think who cares, I’m glad she’s gone, and I am, but showing up all the time has to stop. It’s like a smoker trying to quit, when you think you got it whipped then you have another smoke and start all over again.
written by Mark F, 12 September, 2011
Caught my ex wife of 22 years together, (married six years) (we got back together after whirlwind divorce!), having sex my brother in law, not once but twice. The first time he pleaded with me not to tell my sister, as this would end their relationship!... me the fool!!...intuition kicks in, (dont worry about me of course!!). my ex wife is bi-polar and a history of sexual abuse by her older brother. So the second time, by coincidence i’d left my mobile phone at home out on business, (no way of contacting me about my whereabouts!) i turned up at home, with his car on the drive. I crept up stairs and found them having sex in the bathroom. Bare in mind this is the bathroom he was helping me to decorate, (wonder why!!). So people, your INSTINCT IS NORMALLY RIGHT!!
written by Bill1880, 21 September, 2011
Man it sucks to be a man in a relationship sometimes. Guys I feel your pain every week. My wife cheated two times that she will admit to. Let me tell you from experience she would have never admitted to cheating had I not been able to provide details about the guys and her relationships. It took me almost a year to gain enough evidence to get her to admit to it. In one case, she stated that they "hooked up" less than 5 times in the other case she stated it was a one night stand that they did not even finish the act. With the first guy she cheated with, they had an affair that lasted 3 months. This happened while I was overseas. When she joined me overseas, she showed up with NSF, an STD, and pregnant. Her doctor told me that the duration of pregnancy indicates that she got pregnant while we were a part and also that I did not have the STD but would need to get on penicillin just in case. The second affair she states was a one night that she did not even finish. I think we can all agree that if it gets started its more than likely going to get finished. My suspicions are that she has had at least 4 – 5 affairs since we have been married. But even after all of these years she will not admit to anything that I do not know about; however, over the years there have been inconsistencies in her version of the affairs I know about. One thing I know for sure but she won’t admit to is that she had a repeat affair with the first guy after we returned from overseas. She used to drive by where this guy lived after she got off work. I know this because she would talk about the old neighborhood we lived in, which is where this guy lived at the time. But to this day, she says that she talked with the first guy and told him that she was in a happy marriage.... my gut tells me otherwise.

Here’s are a few things I can tell from experience:
1) Absolutely trust your gut – Do not listen to anyone telling you otherwise if you believe that she is cheating then she probably is
2) She will lie about it – In order to get some measure of truth you are going to have to gather evidence or she will just lie convincingly
3) Whatever you think you know it is worse – I do not believe my wife’s story. I believe that she has had affairs with more than 2 people and that the sex was much more involved than she is stating.
4) This will live with you forever – While the pain subsides, I can tell you that my wife’s admitted affairs happened 17 years ago. They still bother me today just not as much or as often. It bothers me more to not know the full truth, which I will never get.
5) You will never fully trust her again – I do trust my wife but there are now very specific limits to this trust. I know longer blindly trust her.
6) Consider a polygraph – The only way to get the full truth is to hook her up to a polygraph machine. If she truly wants to stay in the marriage she will agree to it and if she has nothing to hide she won’t have a problem with it. But, she will do anything to prevent getting polygraphed so prepare yourself for some rather crazy arguments over this one. If she won’t do it, divorce her. I wish I had insisted on it years ago but I didn’t and now you know the story... I live with the pain.

The problem for guys is we want to know the details such as: how frequently, how many times, what sex positions, the guys endowment, what was she thinking, is she in love, why would she do this. Women will not share that information willingly because they feel like a harlot or a slut and they justify this with I don’t want to hurt his feelings (something honorable but untrue). At the end of the day, I just wish I knew the full truth about her affairs. Let me tell you one thing about a woman, it does not matter what they look like they can hookup with a guy in short order. The reason why guys get caught is they have to court women to gain their sexual interest. For a woman, all she has to do is walk in the room and somebody will hook-up with her. If I ever suspect or catch my wife having a current affair I would divorce her in a minute. I have come to this conclusion after living with it all of these years... it is better to have someone in your life that you can trust... Lessons learned.
written by nicenthic, 15 October, 2011
Guys, we have been born with the innate ability to keep sex separate from our emotions. Most girls do not have this ability. Once you have sex with a girl, she starts heavily investing herself in you. But it’s up to you to keep your emotions well guarded when dealing with sluts. For most semi-intelligent blokes who’ve had at least some action in his life, this is quite easy to do. But it’s not so easy for a young guy with his first few lays. This is when he might put his heart and soul into a bad apple (read: slut). He will get burned and then learn from it.

The real morons are the guys who don’t learn and invest themselves again in a another slut and possibly marry her. Then they lose a lot more than their hurt feelings – they could be stuck with alimony, child support and even a lost house. Now that’s a lesson they wont forget!

Learn some game theory and see how your mindset changes completely. You will be in power and every girl will just be another social experiment and possibly another conquest when you get good at it. You will understand women better than you can possibly imagine and use this new-found power to your benefit socially and in your personal life.
written by 5stars, 02 November, 2011
can someone they me why do i feel, all the time that my wife is cheating on me. I have been married for 2years with my wife at first it was great, but the problem is that she lives in another country and i am applying for her citizenship she has 2 other children and I have one from a past marriage. This has been very difficult for me to handle we spend times speaking on the phone and I normally would take between 3or 4 trips to her country but I have notice that the last two trips she has not been the same with me, she a very affection person over the phone, but in person she display another person. She has had a bad relationship in the past with her past husband and sometimes i feel she is taking this out om me. Our intimate was great at first we would kiss and she showed me affection however lately when i would her hands or tried kissing she would say to me because she has been along by herself for so many years that she is not used to all this affection. This is why I ask myself is she having an a affair or is it me and my insecurities?

written by Love thy self., 04 November, 2011
OK fellas. The important thing here everyone is missing is that you need to love yourself as much as you love your wife. Now if you’re wife is cheating on you and you had plans all these years, be smart about it. Do not react...RESPOND. Or you can go my route and say nothing at all. Thats what I did.

I had a wife that was cheating on me. I caught her red handed and I didn’t tell her about it. I just became indifferent altogether. One thing I did was PREPARE. I started to put aside funds that she wouldn’t know about. I put one of our cars in her name alone and one in mine. I had gotten her to do a quit claim on the house under the premise that she had bad credit and that I was going to get us a much nicer house and put our house on the market. The house to begin with was willed to me by my father way before we got together so it had no community value on her part. I just had to practice CYA. As time went on by she had been totally dry with me, she became complacent and no more sex. I just kept on with my plans. Took care of myself... So I reserved myself to be alone and acted like it. I didn’t see anyone while we were together. I had to be methodical about the whole thing... She noticed I stopped caring and asked me what is wrong...
I told her that I fell out of love for her and that it was a mistake for us to be married in the first place. She then pleaded that we stay together. I have yet to tell her I know about all the cheating she has done. As it turned out, the guy had dumped her and decided to stay with his girlfriend. So... I told her no and that the house had closed and its time for her to find a place to live.
She was thinking it was a separation up until she was served the divorce papers. The reason for the divorce was ‘infidelity". I had listed that because it was the truth. She called me on that and asked me why I would put that on the papers. I showed her all the times and pictures of the places she and hers were meeting. She confessed the whole thing to me and asked me if I would give her another chance. I said sure. I told her that we should start to date again after the divorce was finalized. It takes six weeks in Nevada with a no contest and no kids. After the divorce was final, she gave me a call and told me she wanted to take me to dinner at an expensive Italian place called La Veccia. I didn’t show up. The next day she came over to my new house and asked me why I didn’t show up. I pointed at the strange Acura in the driveway and told her that’s why. She was upset and left. Now after two years, she is still trying to get me to get back together with her enlisting her family to help convince me that she has changed. I keep telling her family that I found a woman who is successful and driven the same way I am. And I couldn’t be happier.

I’ll tell you what fellas, DEPRESSION STINKS. Women smell that on you. Be the best you can be and move on. There is nothing you can do to change a woman’s mind let alone her heart. Be the best version of yourself. Because your depression is just a figment of your ego. Get over it and move on. Good Luck fellas.
written by Diligent Dragon, 16 December, 2011
Now see, I am going through the same thing right now. My wife told ma a couple of weeks back that she almost cheated on me with someone she works with, and the only reason she did not was because of our kids. I sympathize with the original poster. I have always been rather empathic with others. I know she is not happy. I want to fix things but she does not seem to care. She keeps going out with her co-workers. (So she says) I am home with the kids and remain helpless to investigate. Or I would bust her ass and likely kick the piss out of the dickbag she is with!

Now for part two: I have had my own moments of unfaithfulness. The difference is, it was moments of weakness that I immediately went to her about and came clean. About two years ago, I was about to have another and decided that my marriage was more important. Then I find things that she had written to a co-worker on facebook. Things she NEVER says to me. Well, I confronted her about it and she denied having anything other than a friendship with him. I have told her to stay away from him and she won’t. Now there is this other person. (She says it is someone else. I don’t believe it for a second and I do not trust her.) I do not want my marriage to end. 1. Because in spite of all this, I love my wife. 2. If she leaves me for some bastard she works with, she will most certainly get custody of the kids and I do not want my kids anywhere near this idiot! They can learn nothing good from a man who picks up on women he knows is married with children. I will save this site and check back. I appreciate any advice.
written by navyguy93, 21 December, 2011
Well I’ll tell ya...The guys on here that are boo-hooing over their slut-bag wives need to get a clue. SHE AIN’T GONNA CHANGE!! Get rid of her ass and kick her to the curb. Don’t use the kids as an excuse or that she says it won’t happen again...all that is BS. How do I know?? Been married for 18 years and divorced less than a year ago. Found out she cheated on me with 5 or 6 guys over the past 5 years all while I was deployed overseas. This last time, she really screwed up and met her ‘soulmate’, who also was married, just as much of a cheater as she and she left me and the kids for this scumbag. Of course I did all the same stupid crap the majority of the guys on here did or are doing...begged to get her back, forgave, gave her anything she wanted, took all the blame, let her find herself, etc, etc. She came back twice, because she caught him cheating and was broke and I tried to forgive and forget and it might have worked if she would have met me halfway. But she still wanted to go out with her friends, wanted to text who knows who all the time, blame me for controlling her, etc. Same behavior, no change.
So, I hooked up with the other guys wife, been having the time of my life with someone that is actually a good person!! She has her kids, her ex lives with his Mommy. I have my kids, my ex lives with her Daddy and we are happier than pigs in slop!
My advice...kick them out, show some backbone!! Blow all your anger and pain out the end of your crank! The best revenge and the quickest way to get over that skank is to live your life to the fullest and be successful!! It will drive her crazy when her life falls apart and you survive!!
written by C., 29 December, 2011
I am 30 years old male. 11 years ago when I was in New Jersey I had an affair with someone`s wife. She was 30 by that time, her husband was 45+. They had two little sons age 3-7. We met every day for about a week in a motel and once at night in her home`s basement where we had sex while her husband was sleeping upstairs.

Her husband found out a few weeks later and I have never seen or talked to her again.

Today I feel real bad about it and how I have probably destroyed this man`s life in some way forever. I was so stupid, selfish, an asshole and if he had caught us, he would have had every right to kill me.

I know he is still with her, they have a facebook profile. Sometimes I look at it and I feel sorry for him.

4 years ago my wife of 7 years has cheated on me. It has killed me inside and it still is. But I guess that`s what I deserve.
written by all to well..., 05 January, 2012
I’m 33 my wife and i have been together for 17 year’s and have 2 children together. With out going into details i believe my wife cheated on me. I don’t have any hard evidence and i know my wife very well. She would never admit cheating to me if her life depended on it. There are some things that can never be forgiven. Trust is a privilege earned not a necessity given. If anyone has been cheated on by someone they truly love says different. Ask them how long it took to forget. Because true forgiveness goes hand and hand with forgetting. Regardless of how angry or hurt i was at the time not knowing is worse than knowing because it leaves you living with a stranger. And you can’t heal in the arm’s of someone who won’t even try to help remove the knife they stuck in your back to begin with.
written by CH 717, 22 January, 2012
(part 1)
Hey everybody I was reading all of you guys’ stories and I just wanna say I can sympathize with each and every one of you and im truly sorry. I just happen to stumble upon this website in hopes of maybe.. just maybe finding some answers about what to do in my current situation of my relationship and I was wondering if anybody could help PLEASE??? cause I can honestly say if anybody could give me some good advice I think u guys would be the best. Me & my girlfriend have been together for 2 years now and counting. Im 19 and she is 20, i know you might think we’re young and its nothing compared to what you gentleman have and are currently going thru but i feel as if me and this girl have known and been together for 20 years and we’ve always acted much older for our ages. we met thru.. we’ll just say a "mutual friend" and it seemed like it was written by fate that we had found each other she was like nothing i had met before, everything i was looking for.... but ill just cut to the main points. everything started off great, aside from past problems with trusting females.. i had faith in this one until this "mutual friend" took her to a halloween party. me and my girlfriend had been together for about 2 months when this party had came up. My girlfriend is very smart and goody two shoe-ish and claims shes always been a good girl or "nerd" in her words and i know shes not as innocent as she claims but i believe her for the most part... now keeping in mind that this mutual friend has been a hoe (to put things lightly) since me and my friends have known her back in 5th grade and my girlfriend had already told me before we got together they use "play" dudes but assured me she was done with that and had changed and had never did anything with the dudes more than kiss... i always have a problem with them hanging out together because of how the friend is and constantly puts my lady in bad situations and is always trying to hook her up with new guys knowing that we are in a serious relationship but i decided to trust my girlfriend and let her go have fun. (continued in parts cause of length)
written by CH 717, 22 January, 2012
(part 2)
everything was fine until my lady came home and told me that she had given some dances that i would not approve of to some guy, being the way i am with her as much as i hate to say it EXTREMELY jealous and overprotective which she claims to like.. i blew up and held it against her with her and the mutual friend thinkin i was blowing it out of proportion (the way i seen it tho i was very hurt because we had just got together really and she was already giving explicit dances to some random dude?? not a good start) my girlfriend claimed she did it because she didnt know if i really liked her in a serious way yet but anyway i eventually forgave her out of my love for her but inside ive never really fully been able to trust her again since. this was the first bump in our relationship. my girlfriend is very attractive and is constantly getting advances from guys almost everyday and i cant stand it but theres nothing i can do. i have very low self esteem and am always putting myself down thinkin im not good for her.. im constantly assuring myself shes cheating even tho she swears by god shes not.... and ever since that party i dont know what to believe about her, she told me she was a virgin and i was the first one although she said shes almost came close to sex but decided the dudes werent "there for her like i was" and lots of other things a boyfriend would want to hear but i cant be sure... ive always had my doubts off and on and i dont think she wants to tell me the truth because she knows how ill react...but the thing that kills me is ive told her if you ARE cheating or flirting, messing around.. whatever... JUST TELL ME! sure ill be hurt but i’d rather her tell me and just break up so she can be with the other person rather than waste both our time with cheating but she still swears she doesnt cheat.
written by CH 717, 22 January, 2012
(part 3)
I cant get any background info on how she was before we met and ive been lookin since we met... which has me think sometimes maybe its all in my head and she really does love me because my whole family and usually everyone else adores her and she does the things a good wife would do and i see myself being with this woman the rest of my life. she just tends to act sketchy and suspicious sometimes... BUT the strange thing is ive always had this feeling in my gut that she is doing me dirty all this time and as i was reading you guys stories and almost all of you said that you’ve had the SAME EXACT FEELING and were pretty much right. Im stuck and dont know what to do at all and ive felt like this for awhile now, i feel with all the negativity and my accusations the relationship is declining... I just want the truth! so i can finally be able to rest easy and move on. We’re pretty serious and want to get engaged and with valentine’s coming up she wants a ring but i know i cant fully commit and be truly happy with her until i know the truth. Im no dumby to how females are.. especially young black females in college nonetheless, but I dont want to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life and throw away what I want to be my future wife for no reason... but I also dont want to waste my time having my heart juggled and dropped by a no good woman.. now i skipped alot of things about this relationship because i’d be writing all night if i gave you guys the full story of our relationship but thats the problem in a nutshell and im going to be completely honest with you guys : I have low self esteem and dont feel im good enough for her compared to what shes use to in the past, im unemployed at the moment so i cant financially support her at the moment... not that muscular... i dont feel like i satisfy her in bed... along with plenty other reasons i really dont feel like getting into but basically who wants to be serious with a nobody.. we joke and laugh and enjoy & support each other but nowadays thats not enough for women... I always feel like why are you with me when you could have someone..anyone much better then me and she says its cause she loves me and as much as that makes me feel good.. it just doesnt seem like the logical answer a grown woman would choose... Love of a loser with nothing over being taken care of by somebody with $$$ and financial stability???.....I just dont see it fellas
written by J.CARLOS SANCHE JR, 15 March, 2012

written by Person, 04 April, 2012
Ch 717 that sucks do you think she is?
written by...., 09 April, 2012
Hi everyone I’ve been with my wife for 12yrs and I suspect something happened 6yrs ago she got talking to a old m8 and shared numbers I wasn’t there. She never got in till past 230am at this party this guy tried to kiss her she told me she pulled away and went back into the party then later that nite he called her asking her to go to is. The next day she told me bits but lied about being outside with him and she didn’t mention the call from him she just cut her phone sim up. Yesterday we saw this guy and I said let’s ask him then what happened she started shouting at me and her first words to him was tell my husband we have only been mates that’s all init why wood she ask it like that?? But today I’ve spoke to this guy and is telling me a different story like he went out with her at school and he never tired to kiss her at all but my gut feeling is telling me something happened that nite any help please
written by culdesac jack, 20 May, 2012
been married to my wife 18 years. we both had lots of relationships before we were married. recently we were having sex and she said to me after we were done, "nobody has ever fucked me like that before". now, remember, we have been married fir 18 years. i have never cheated on her and i have always had a gut feeling that she has. its just a gut feeling. also, i have been telling my wife that we should go back to Mexico again for a vacation. she said no bcs its too dangerous. her friends are now going, all married women, to Mexico and she is going with them. am i being duped
written by PatDinner, 28 May, 2012
Never doubt your instincts. Very often you will be right. And even when you aren’t, your emotional core will believe you are, which only means more heartache as long as you remain in this relationship.

More than once I told myself I was paranoid and being an idiot, but it didn’t actually come out that I was right until I dumped her. I just couldn’t stay in that relationship with no trust. Thank god I got out when I did. I have since learned that she cheated on her next man as well.
written by Pain, 23 June, 2012
All you men that are contemplating whether to leave a cheating b*tch are pathetic! Grow some balls and take her to the washers, burn her to hell, she doesn’t deserve your kind soul! Your life is limited so try to maximize your happiness while you still can. Being attached to someone that has defiled you (even if you have kids) isn’t maximizing your happiness. Trust me and get it over with, stop contemplating and make a god damn decision! Most of the time, staying with an infidel will just make you miserable. Divorce and focus on your life, there are better women out there.
written by diddo, 29 July, 2012
If you want a faithful relationship get a dog, they wont cheat on you and are always happy to se you..

Natures basic instincts to breed and pro create are stronger than any man made notion for two people to be faithful to each other, "LOVE" only exists in Movies and Walt Disney world not real life.

I have been in 4 "exclusive" relationships that every time I entrusted my partner in a situation I was not comfortable with my "gut" instincts prevailed and they cheated on me.

Including my current wife whom I have found out after 15 years of marriage was still screwing an "ex boyfriend" while we were dating!

It is now going on 19 years of marriage and 10 minutes dont go by that it does not cross my mind.

She has been a wonderful Mother and wife and I keep saying she was young and in college and I have to just "let it go". (She says I have to just let it go also"!!)
written by Josh., 04 August, 2012
I never really thought there were so many men in such situations like what i have been through. I now know cheaters never change but only perfect their act. Someone please help me;how can you love a woman who has cheated on you several times and now says she has changed but i cannot trust her anymore. The pain never goes away and i am still in the relationship. The pain simply is not going away and i seem to suspect her anytime she goes out alone.I am rather suffering and she is enjoying her life (though i know her guilty conscience is dealing with her). Sometimes i imagine what she did with those men and the pain resurfaces. Can you imagine she still has the phone number of one of her lovers on her phone rather than break contact with him.Sometimes i wonder whether it was a good decision to forgive and take her back because she still does not respect me and it shows in the way she talks to me.I believe she only decided to come back because she didn’t get any man foolish enough to take the nonsense i have been taking from her.I hope Jehovah takes away my pain and to all you guys stuck in similar situations, please try Jehovah God almighty and i believe he only can take away such because it is so so deep and seems never to go away.

written by dde67, 19 August, 2012

I have been on long term sick for six years with what is described as pathological jealousy. I found out six years ago my Wife had been seeing someone. Nothing can be confirmed as to length of affair, she said minimal, or if indeed the only person she had seen. Too embarrassed to put all aspects on here but it blows your mind. My Wife had always said she didn’t look at other men and she loved me and just wasn’t interested in someone else. I could become jealous prior to finding out but I don’t know why but probably just believed that we were meant to be together by fate. We have been together since I was 14 and she was 13. I love her to this day but I went through a long period of worry about illness after my Father passed away young of cancer. She can be hard regarding such things and felt that I was letting her down and not giving her enough time – ie it was my fault she cheated.

She is too good looking for me and now we are in our forties she still looks great and is as sexy as hell. All great if you have trust but now I have her tied to me at all times. I haven’t been able to return to work as I cannot leave her alone as I would believe she would be up to stuff. She has been able to lie to my face, eye to eye and on our Son’s life. How can I trust when up against that. She told me she had to lie to minimize trouble that I do have to admit did occur when I found out. Police were called out several times and she has ‘shallow’ stabbed me five times in defense. Our Son in the very early days went to stay with my Mother during troubled times.

My Mother is the only one that knows something went on. I had informed my Mother that I had found a letter my Wife had received from her lover stating he shouldn’t have left her go. He apparently had become too possessive and had phoned the house and nearly got her caught one night. She had decided then things were becoming too much. She says it was very short lived and she finished it because she wanted our Son and I. She initially denied all sexual contact and took 4 months and eventually my stating I had been to STD clinic for a check up and telling her they had told me I did have an STD and that I hadn’t been unfaithful so she must have been. She still denied it. I then made up a letter with false letter head indicating it had been a letter sent to my Wife from the STD clinic regarding the STD she had supposedly given to me and what she had to do about it to clear it from her system. I sent this to our address and asked her about it as she opened it. ONLY THEN did she admit to having sex with this guy.

My Mother still believes she only had a small fling with no sex and that I should get on with things or get out. My Mother nor my friends or family, who believe I am nuts, are not able to be told because prior to my Wife admitting to sex I had to swear on my Son’s life that I wouldn’t tell anyone. Unfortunately, this has made it difficult as you should at least be able to ‘grieve’ by talking to your Brother in these circumstances. I have been denied such release. I won’t talk to anyone personal to us about it, by doing so, I believe I am keeping my oath. I am not able to hold such things back to psychiatrists and this forum but none of you know us personally.

I feel such a Wuss as others have said and fear that I will never be able to leave her. Thoughts that she could have had other men and the fact that she may never have really held our relationship sacred as I had is awful. I had to get my own back on her and just after I found out the sex had happened I found myself visiting hookers. I did it to get back at her and I told her about it. Stupid I know but this was done with a purpose to make her feel like I had betrayed and hurt. She had been going to town with someone I later learned was a right slag so God only knows what the pair of them may have been up to. This was nothing like what my belief system felt of my Wife.

Now I can’t live with doubt but can’t divorce her and move on. My life is shit. She has good looks. I don’t. I’m 45 now and my life is completely fucked. The only thing that isn’t fucked is me as my Wife says she can’t sleep with me until I start treating her more humanely. I know she hasn’t done anything since 2007 as we’ve been together at all times due to my illness – pathological jealousy. For all reading this believe that being stabbed and hospitalized by your Wife is not normally acceptable but when you feel so tied to your woman as I do nothing but death feels like a way out. I feel that I would have been better off if she’d killed me rather than being unfaithful. I have so many doubts and it hurts so bad.

take care all.
written by dde67, 19 August, 2012
Sorry for my main message rambling on a bit
written by dde67, 19 August, 2012
I missed stating that my Wife cannot due to my worries, doubts and accusations be intimate with me. She will give me head but I can’t touch her, no licking breasts, nothing like that and sex itself has not occurred between us since may 2007. What a messed up life but my own view of myself is rather poor and I just have so much baggage that nobody half good looking, I’m still shallow that way, would be interested in me.
written by joeshmo, 26 August, 2012
Guys, if you are with a girl who has cheated, the odds are extremely high it will happen again no matter how much they claim they won’t. And just like what a lot of other guys have said, she WILL deny it regardless of how close you get to catching her until you have 100% irrefutable proof of it.

I was dating a girl a couple of years ago, a long 6 year relationship. When I met her she was cool, interesting, fun to talk to. Very likeable person. We started out kind of fast and I asked her out after about a month, and she said yes. After about 2-3 months of dating, I started to notice strange behaviors that I hadn’t in any other girl I’ve dated before. She would "go out" a lot, randomly, almost out of the blue, and come back and claim she just went to the store or to get some food despite not bringing anything back. I’d ask to go with her during some of these "trips", and she’d always say she wanted time by herself to think.

I also noticed she would flirt with this specific guy a lot whenever we’d go out somewhere with friends. I got mad at her and told her to stop it, and she least when I was around. She also wouldn’t flirt with me in the guy’s presence. Eventually I was talking to a friend on the phone after she "went to the store", and it turns out she showed up at a bowling alley he was at to meet the guy. He told me they were acting very flirty and even kissed. I called her and she didn’t answer her phone. Once she got back, I asked her where she’d been and she gave the same excuse. I told her that my friend said he saw her at the bowling alley and she immediately asked who it was before even denying it. I refused to tell her so she called "whoever it was" a liar. She clearly just wanted to know so she knew who to watch out for.

I told her not to go see the guy anymore, and she said she wouldn’t...yet she just went to public places less at that point. Then I get a text from my friend (a girl), who said she saw her pull up to the guy’s house (again during one of her "trips to the store"), and this time she was gone for over an hour. I asked my friend to text me when she left, and less than 3 mins after I got the text my ex got home and immediately said she wanted to go take a shower. I suspected she just had sex with him, so I asked her not to just yet, and said I’d been kind of horny for her today and asked to have sex. She backed away really fast and said ‘maybe after i shower, i really need a shower’.

So while she was in the shower I checked her clothes and found a really big cum stain in her panties that was still wet. Male cum. She obviously let him cum inside her whole she was out that time. When she got out of the shower I got into a big argument with her about it and she still denied it, claiming she was just horny for me...yet of course she didn’t want to have sex (which I brought up), and she got mad. Immediately left the house.

So I texted my friend again, and she told me she pulled up to the guy’s house and went inside again!

So at this point I went and keylogged her computer to get evidence, and found many emails between her and the guy. Many of them had stuff like, "last night was the best time of my life", and, "let’s fuck again soon".

So I showed her these and she finally admitted to having sex with the other guy (after denying about 10 other things I presented her with). Also come to find out, she was literally having a relationship with the guy and he had no idea she was even dating me. So she literally had two boyfriends at the time, and apparently she was seeing him the ENTIRE TIME since we got together!

written by stupidbeonwords, 04 September, 2012
We are both in our 80s, she cheated with my best friend in 1958 and I begged her to stay and she has all these years, but I have never trusted her. I do not think she has had other affairs but I cannot ever be sure. My life is wasted now, I should have left her in a nano second. I would if only I had it to do over. So take my situation as what can and will happen if you agree to take her back. The fact she never cheats again is totally irrelevant, the truth is you will never be sure she hasn’t.
written by Stellan, 07 September, 2012
My wife and I met in 2001 and were married in 2002. We had a fast courtship, but I never had any reason to believe that she was anything but honest and forthright with me. When I was laid-off, she helped support me. She was great with my young son, whom at the time was only 3. She was a "perfect" partner.

Fast forward a bit to 2004. She tells me that she was going to go to Philadelphia to visit her friend from college. I was at her wedding a year before, so I didn’t question it. After she had arrived, she called to tell me that she was going to go with them to a BBQ, and that she’d call later. That call never came. Only later when she came back home (2 days later) did I learn that she had gone to NYC to spend the weekend with her boyfriend from college. And, as certain as the nose on my face, she says to this day "Nothing happened".

As if this wasn’t enough doubt cast upon our marriage, in early 2011, while performing routine maintenance on my son’s laptop, I found nude photos of another man. Now, my son isn’t a porn viewer, so I KNEW that is had to be my wife’s photo collection. When confronted, she lied and said they were her sister’s...since it’s common knowledge that her older sister has had numerous affairs herself.

After some hardcore computer forensics, I was able to get 100% proof that she had been having an affair with a married "man" that had lasted about a year and a half.

When she swore that it would never happen again, she was still in contact with him...sending XXX-rated photos (imagine my naked wife and a beer bottle...get the idea?), texting and emails.

Recently (like say 2 weeks ago) I was able to get into her Facebook account, and saw that she had been having a "relationship" with the married guy’s friend...messages back and forth about how she was contemplating a threesome, and how she had left work early to go to her doctor for the depoprovera shot. Hmm...why would you be needing birth control if WE don’t have sex?? Answer was to be found in the next sentence: "I had a close call last week". When I examined her email SQL fingerprints THIS WEEK, I learned that not only has she had Victoria’s Secret lingerie delivered to work, but she has been spending quality time with ANOTHER married guy...just a friend, as it were.

I’ve gone through the depression...I currently take Lexapro because obsessing about this marriage of mine has led me to suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I LITERALLY think about what she’s done to me EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can’t get beyond it.

I now know that, in truth, my wife is a whore. Plain and simple. When she was younger, she was heavy. And I appreciated her body. I prefer BBW women. Since having our second child, she has lost 150 lbs, and has become a very successful athlete. And now she’s getting the attention she NEVER received when she was younger.

To quote her..."We have a marriage on paper". She stopped wearing her wedding band in June 2011, and I finally took mine off in May of this year. And that’s fine. I’m so ruined that I can’t and won’t ever trust anyone again. I look for lies in words that people say to me casually.

I stay in the house for my children. Some find it weak...some find it pathetic. But, I won’t have her telling lies to the kids about me, or about what she’s doing. She works out all the time, so I do most, if not all of the housework. The kids KNOW which parent is there for them, and which one isn’t. Astrid (my wife) has an agenda, be it mid-life crisis, selfishness, or cruelty. Maybe all of them.

I have to be fair when I say that I am a recovering alcoholic. I drank VERY heavily. And I KNOW that when drunk, I was no picnic. True. I said hurtful things. TRUE. But, it takes 2 to tango...and she made the conscious decision to cheat. I now do not smoke, drink, do drugs (I never DID drugs, but I have to write it), gamble...NOTHING. I too, have become an athlete...I run marathons for MY sport. I have been clean and sober and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I discovered that there IS life after substance abuse.

I know that I do not want another relationship. EVER. And I can say this even at 43 years old. If I were to leave tonight, I would never want to be in an arrangement where I had to trust...or worry...or wait for a person to love me. I’m done with it. I’ll never be able to get beyond the lies and the deception, and the blame she tried to place on me.

And as long as I have my kids to care for, I really don’t care what she does anymore. And that is the truth. After seeing her email this week, I finally feel like the light-switch has finally been shut off. Whatever hope I had in my mind and in my heart has been extinguished. But when my little girl of 5 looks at me and says, "I love you Daddy", I feel at peace.

written by dadof4, 08 September, 2012
my wife of 11 years as of 10-15-12 but we have been together since 4-27-98. I loved this woman to begin with we were married in oct, of 2000 after 2 years of living together as kids her 18 me 20 she comes from a broken background her mom gave her to her stepdad when she was like 3 and her real dad to this very day is a piece of dirt druggie and her mom is crazy as hell in comes her babysitting job that she got thru her winner dad and his construction crew his boss had a wife and 3 children 1 boy 2 girls she was 13 or 14 when she became there "babysitter" she practically became part of there family and the dad of this family always took care of her money wise and acted like he cared like a dad would and of course she loved them all and when I came along I was introduced to this family and also became close to them we would go to there house and party cookouts etc. normal things ya know well this man actually WALKED MY WIFE DOWN THE AISLE AT OUR WEDDING and I started to get jealous of this guy now mind u this dude is 54 today se is 20 plus years older than my soon to be ex wife her grandmother died and we lived 4 hours away now mind u she talked to this father figure guy on a daily basis I started getting very suspicious because I started to hear things and thank god for my little brother because see my wife had actually confided in my sis in law at the time and she in turn told my little bro and he couldn’t hold it in anymore and he confirmed my worst nightmare she had been having and affair with this man for YEARS behind my back and in my face and I only wish it ended there I actually forgave her for that due to our kids and whatever else reason but all this time of course my guts were hurting always thinking she was cheating and she was she actually slept with the son the kid she babysat after he was 19 and probably before then and she screwed his friend and after all that I finally separated for a few months well she had fallen into a relationship with this crack head and got addicted to crack for 3 months and called me one day crying I had zero clue that she was doing crack until she finally came clean 2 me and yet again my dumb ass took her back after already starting to get over her she came back home and I helped her detox off crack and hen I had to deal with her new ex boyfriend going crazy trying to get her to come back to him anyway a few years go by and she has literally of course earned my stupid trust back our kids are growing up and bang after 8 years she gets Prego and not only prego prego with twins a boy and girl I love them so much anyway we start having problems again and decide to separate again this was in march of 2012 well she of course hops into another relationship with a 41 year old unemployed piece of trash that lives at home with his parents in the trashiest part of our little town!! so anyway keep in mind we now have 4 kids and she calls me 1 day and says she was wrong and wanted to try to work things out so yet again thinking of the kids I said ok affair number 4 that I know about or is it 5 its sad I cant remember how many affairs my wife has had anyway she moves back n and it goes well for a week or 2 and come find out when we got back together she refused to have her number changed so that new boyfriend of hers couldn’t call her anymore and guess what she wouldn’t do it imagine that she claimed that it wouldn’t matter if she changed her number or not that if she wanted to talk to him it was her decision and she was going t make it stop and also she defriended me and anyone associated with me just so she could be friends with dude now so she continuously argues with me in front of our kids so I leave ad go stay with a friend now mind u she has only been back since 7-6-12 and she tells me not to come back to my own place that I have moved into and had been there for 2 months by myself n hell so I listen to her of course and get this she goes and files a restraining order against me so she can continue her affair while she lives in my house that I still pay for because she don’t work and has always been taken care of of course so now I cant see my 4 kids whom I miss and long for daily and she gets to do whatever she wants to me now because of this order and I’ve NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HER SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE TO HIT ME IF IT GETS THAT HEATED. so needless to say imp n what is known as PURE HELL! so if anyone out there has any advice on how to heal from not only years of infidelity but mental and physical abuse while she was cheating on me with every tom dick and harry that comes along I wake up every night crying from the night terrors that await me when I finally get to sleep. I do feel a little better getting it off my chest but please if anyone has any healing advice please pass it on! thanks and wish me luck in my divorce!
written by Wade, 13 September, 2012
These are phenominal stories, I have read every single post and there is no way I can compare but I’d like to tell mine anyway.

Who is Ben? I’ve never met Ben, maybe I have and don’t recall. I’m pretty good at remembering names but I’m also one of those guys that tends to forget names as soon as a handshake breaks. I despise Ben. Ben is a pixellated name that appears on my girlfriend’s cellphone. Who is Ben? I don’t know.

My girlfriend has habitually been a ‘job hopper’ since we’ve been together for about 16 years. I lost count when her resumé numbered into the late teens (is this a symptom?) and I couldn’t be happier for her when she’d finally decided on settling onto some sort of career path. She’d begun reading some self-help inspirational books, I forget the title, but she’d concluded that she wanted to do work that paid in reflection to her efforts (don’t we all) and she’d figured that this work was in the field of being a Sales Rep.
She landed a job with an outfit based in a city 6 hours drive from where we lived, no problem, that company wanted to expand to our area and she would be the sales rep in our own back-yard, that would be her territory. Well, the requirement was that she needed training for this work, and they had a system for that, and that took a month(ish) to complete. Again, no problem, her sister happened to live in this city and she’d able to stay there...for a month...ish (see where this is going?). Meanwhile I’d remain back at home, because of both work obligations and because of our teenage son’s schooling, sports, etc.

Anyway, the routine was basically a phone-call each day. "How was your day?" sort of thing. There would be the odd day missed or timing would be inconsistant but I thought that’s to be expected with Sales Reps, it’s just the nature of the beast. No suspicions on my end at all. Until later.

She got back 3 days ago and she’s on her period, dammit. That will be over soon, but now...I actually caught myself just staring at the back of her head today, squinting, I can stare the truth, or her hidden thoughts if I think hard enough. I don’t know who Ben is. She does.

I’d asked alot about her adventures in the ‘big smoke’, the training, who she worked with, their age brackets etc. because I wanted to know how sustaining a sales lifestyle would be considering expenses, mortgage, car loans, kids, that sort of thing. I can tell you now, Ben doesn’t work there. It turns out, that this company makes them all competitive by way of congratulating salespeople by way of texting all the staff the following day, as in: ‘Congrats to Jim Smith and Sarah Jones on closing those big sales!’. Well, my girlfriend had one of those and I asked her if she was proud the first day she got a mention, she inflates with pride and boasts that she still has it saved on her phone. She reads it out to me and I gush over it too.
written by Wade, 13 September, 2012

I get this foolish idea in my head, well, cheesy idea. When I was a kid I watched this cartoon called ‘ducktales’ and Donald Duck’s mega-rich uncle, Scrooge McDuck, always kept his first dime he ever earned, showcased in his vault. So I thought I could get her ‘braggy’ text and send it to my email, do some flashy photoshop, print it out and frame it for her. Surprise.

I had to scroll through her texts to find it one night while she was sleeping, you see. I accidentally came across Ben. At this stage I didn’t think much of it but the time is displayed before you even open the was at 3:17am. That’s not normal behaviour, for her, for anybody I know. So I open it. All of Ben’s side of the conversation had been removed and her side was short and limited so I couldn’t really make much of it, aside from she obviously thought it seemed important to text somebody I didn’t know at 3AM to tell them how funny they were. It’s flirting, I know.

There are more texts along the lines of flirting, but nothing particularly serious. There was a call that lasted about 5 minutes on the call-log and the text that bothered me was, again, his side of the conversation deleted but hers giving directions to the house she was staying at. Just an Ben.

This lead me to start speculating now:

-I think she’s known Ben for quite some time, because you wouldn’t text people so casually and unprofessionally, especially at 3am in the morning, doesn’t give the right impression when you just start a job.

-I don’t know Ben, and we’ve been together for 16 years, I should know Ben if she’s able to talk so casually with him.

-Ben isn’t a friend of her side of the family either if she had to give him directions to the house.

This is where I’m at...I’ve been watching her phone now, I’m terribly suspicious, she deleted her conversation with Ben from her phone yesterday. I’ve done a little snooping and can find no other mention of Ben in anything...he’s a mystery. On her phone, there’s a cell number and ‘Ben’...that’s it.

I’m hoping for some kind of confirmation, but I’d like some kind of tangible proof first...or some way for me to bring his name up without tipping my hand.

"Who is Ben?"...that’s how the argument will start.
written by Stellan, 14 September, 2012

As many of the men on here will tell you, time spent with a person is pretty much irrelevant. In my case it was 7 or 8 years when Astrid started forget that concept now. It matters not.

Secondly, and this is the BIGGIE here...your 6th sense...your intuition...that uneasy feeling...that voice in your head that is SCREAMING that something just isn’t right: LISTEN TO IT. It was placed there for a reason. I’m sure that most if not all of the other men on here will say the same thing. They, too, knew "something didn’t feel right". I could feel it with Astrid (my wife) and every time she’s up to no good (as she is now), I can always tell. I’m at the point where I hate her, but won’t leave my kids.

You are having suspicions...try to learn more. I would be willing to bet anything that Ben means more to your wifey than she is telling you. The 3am text is your FIRST clue.
written by Spinnaker, 20 September, 2012
As a man of 80 who took a cheating wife back 55 years ago, I can tell one and all that it is a terrible mistake to do so. Get away from them at once. God how I regret taking this woman back.. A life ruined by a woman and my best friend.
written by jaylondon, 22 September, 2012
i agree. gut feeling and suspicion is something you should listen to...even if you don’t want to. i ignored for a long time and then found out the truth my wife had been cheating with many men over the last few years. the confusion, hurt, anger, feeling inadequate, feeling used....all overwhelming. i should have listened to my guy feeling when i first had it and would have avoided years of pain. we are still together and i have tried to put it behind me but can’t really. i want her to tell me more about it and why it started. its a constant in our life. a constant in my mind. but i feel we still have a love and a normal happy life. just have to deal with her drunken nights out with ‘friends’. its either that or being left alone in my 50s (she is younger than me in her 30s). weird and horrible and consuming. but you have to either kick them out of your life or deal with it. good luck
written by jaylondon, 22 September, 2012
and i i forgot to say it makes me feel pathetic. I’m either depressed by it or obsessed by it. even when we have sex i have mental images in my head. my advice would be get rid of her. wish i had the guts to have done it.
written by other part of the world, 17 October, 2012
Inspirational, reading all of this stories makes me feel stronger, i’m still haunted with the past, we’ve been in a relationship since college years and after 7-9 years of on n off relationship we decided to tie the knot. I’ve been hopeless for the past 9 years before marriage as she was caught lying n cheating more than a couple of times all of those times she denies that she was sexually involve with most of those guys claiming that it was just a fling that didnt actually last. I came in a society where premarital sex is still considered a taboo and is punishable by law if caught.Taboo as it is we had sex most of the time, my gut feeling tells me that she was sexually involve with all of those men, but there was never any solid evidence stating that. I decided to tie the knot and was ready to move on only to find out the truth 2 weeks into marriage. I caught her red handed texting a guy whom expressing his love towards my wife. A total stranger to me whom she claims she met at FB, She confessed that she had a one night stand with this guy (while we were engaged) during the passing of my belated grandfather.She told me it was only once and t all of the other flings that she had before was never sexual. I broke down, I was married for only 2 weeks, i dont know what to believe, i didnt know what to do but i do know that a divorce after only 2 weeks is the last thing that i want. So i told that i’d give her six month to prove herself that she’s worthy of being my wife. 8 months later, she was late and we were having a baby. Its been 2 years since and our baby is already 7 months old. The baby is a blessing and our relationship has improved since but the past never actually fades away, there are nights where it comes back knocking, i am helpless, i am depressed, i’m still young and able, will this happen again ? the signs were there and i decided to get married instead of moving on, now i have 7 months old daughter, reading your stories have shown me that a cheating wife never stops, should i give up ? should i move on ? and what will become of my daughter ? i’m lost, i need your kind experience, your kind advice, i’m 29 and i’m able, should i stay and let history repeat itself ?
written by ass whipe, 18 October, 2012
Man it doesn’t matter woman men we all have it in us the opportunities all always around it’s up to us to choose.
I live in japan been married 8 years together 15
Yes I’ve fallen in that bad place too. I never cheated on my wife but when I came to Japan in Tokyo I was walking down a street two girls approached me 21 23 years old I was 28. They took me to a restaurant then they both had sex with me which at the time I had no regrets and thought I could think of that night as a wish come true.
Well since then ive been japan 8 years 6 of those ive had girl friends sex friends one night stands un real.
But ever been caught 5 times and she always forgave me.
and she is the kind of woman who puts family first which we have a 4 year old son. Well I finally told her we need to separate Im a good dad but a shitty husband finally she agreed now we live separately and I have lots of regrets but no more guilt!! So if you’re getting stop or get out of the relationship!! And if you suspect check it out its probably true.
written by SeenBothSides, 27 October, 2012
hi. Lots of sadness here, and no openess. I am sorry.
written by SeenBothSides, 27 October, 2012
Sadly, I have been on both sides of this problem more than once. The problem is really trust and communication and understanding what each others needs are. There are no guarantees in relationships. You have to love unconditionally and accept the other person for who they are. All you need to do is figure out what each others needs are, and discuss openly and honestly how to get your needs met. If those needs mean you cannot tolerate the other person’s attraction to others and acting on it, then you will need to get out of the relationship. If your wife or partner will not admit their attraction to others and acting on it, then they either are afraid of you or don’t trust you or don’t want to hurt you, or don’t care at all.
The point, though, is that while you are not getting your needs met, they certainly are getting their needs met. Think about that. If you insist that you have to change the other person, it just isn’t going to work, or wont work for long. You will look like a simpering wimp instead of the caring person you are. SOOOO: now you have to empower yourself to get your needs met. This will run counter to your intuition. Remember this: the person a woman wants to be with is the one that seems to be the most fun and understanding to be with. You have to act like you are fine, that you are having fun, and that you are too busy for her with your own social life. This is accepting and letting you be your own person and letting her be her own person. Say "i understand you have needs, sure." Leave it at that. She may say "what do you mean?" Shrug and say "just that, that’s all. Of course I love you." and then go about getting YOUR emotional needs and physical needs met. If you can’t do this in your marriage or it runs counter to your beliefs and values, then leave the marriage. You can deal with it either in or out of marriage. Let this be her problem to deal with, not yours. You already know you can’t depend on your wife to get your needs met. She misses that initial exciting chemistry that is sort of not part of mature love, but something you can no longer provide as you simply want a mature and trusting partnership. These days, women know their power. Listen to today’s pop music. Look at the dating websites. They know they missed out on something and they want it. It doesn’t last forever, but why wait for them to finish? They may have decided never to marry again and just enjoy their life either in or out of marriage. They may have intended to just have a fling and accidentally fell in love. All of that is not your problem. Accept that you have the resentment and hurt, and deal with it, but not alone. She cannot cure it for you. You now must move toward getting what you need: love, affection, trust, romance...a real relationship. It’s likely what she has been through already and made up her mind.
Of course, if both of you had been open enough to allow people to have genuine feelings and understanding, this would already be known. Next time (and really, at this point you should tell yourself that there has to be a next time), you are going to tell your partner that you love them unconditionally, but will want to move on if they want to sleep with others, and that you can and will understand that you can’t meet all the needs of someone else. Be honest in the beginning and you will get what you want. Heal yourself, act happy, seek your goal, accept who your wife is without judging why.
written by fallendown65, 01 November, 2012
I have a story too along the lines of some of the above.

together with wife for 10 years.

She was away from home working, back and forth for a year.

caught her cheating by long term irrational behaviour and finding texts and emails.

She carried on seeing him as she lied that she had broken it off.

I found out and comfronted him and threatened I would cut off his balls, and he scrammed like a spineless snake blaming it on her

She blamed it on "Being out of control and could not stop herself and get out of it"

Also blamed me and problems in our marriage....why had she not spoken before dropping her knickers for a whole year, and said that I hadn’t payed her enough attention..
bullshit, I worshiped her....big mistake.

we have sought counselling

I am still trying to make sense of it a year on.

My question to anyone who can help is:
She admits to the wrong of getting involved in something she should not of,she has never done this to nyone before and never will again and promises to do what she must to save our marriage.
Will She cheat on me again?
Will I live to regret staying with her?

written by Seen Both Sides, 04 November, 2012
To "Fallen Down". You have the questions that only you can answer:
Will She cheat on me again?
Will I live to regret staying with her?

Will she? There are no guarantees on this. The only guarantee is in whether or not you can forgive her and accept her for who she is, and whether that meets your needs. You may have a good situation here if you go to a really good therapist that helps sort your needs. Don’t focus on making the issue resolving your hurt unless you just want to blow off what is really happening with her. Because you will need to accept what has happened in order to stay with her.
Do people (you, her, everyone) think about having sex with other people? Yes. Is it possible that if someone in weakness, or sympathy, or in manipulation for needs, or missing some need, that you or anyone else may cheat? Yes. Is it possible that they may fall in love with the other person? Yes. Is it possible that the person in that situation may not wish to leave either situation? Yes. Is it possible that a person may think they can control their feelings in regard to extramarital sex and believe that they can handle it? Yes, but they are not being realistic about that. Does attraction and sex lead to romance and love? Often. It’s how you met your partner, however shallow you believe that concept is. Will you live to regret your decision? Only if you cannot accept that people are separate individuals. Only if she turns out to not place the same standard on fidelity as you. Remember, not everyone separates themselves from sex as a function of their entire self, and some bring that in all circumstances. Ask others: have you ever cheated? Research: how many cheat? Usually men? Usually women? what is the usual result of cheating? Is it divorce? I would guess that regardless of what you find, you will feel that your adoration of your wife was cheapened because she did the same things with her lover as she did with you. From that perspective, how do you now see your relationship? Will you care as much now? Will you do things for her like you did before? Have you considered that she may not want those things? Considered that she wants a strong partnership with you, and that romance and devotion is not a big part of that? Ask her. See what her needs are. Find out yours. Tell her you can’t help but love her, and so if more happens it isn’t something you can handle. Tell her that you accept her and love her completely no matter what she has done or will do, but you need to be her trusted confidante and friend. Tell her you will not hurt her, hate her, or ditch her if she is honest, but that you have to have that transparency or it won’t work for you. Tell her that your feelings are very tender, but attraction to others or getting caught up in that is something you understand, but need help with dealing with. Tell her you accept ALL that she is, but that if she feels unsure of where she is headed, you may need to look for someone else. But you love her still; completely, and know that people just follow their feelings and hearts sometimes instead of values. Tell her she may feel of low moral character, but you understand that isn’t what’s really happening..that you know she isn’t on a "sex quest" but just responding to her own feelings. Tell her you are an individual too, and that you will seek to get your needs met as well. Just make sure you know what they are.
Will she cheat? In your situation, she has another person with unresolved issues involved, and that person is now "trained" to respond to her. You need a copy of her "breakup email" or letter to him. You also need to determine what your regrets will be. Finally, you need to understand what this NEW relationship you have with her. She may well fall in love with you for understanding what happened to her. If it happened to you, what would you do? What would you want? There’s hope here for you. Not for some of the others. Consider the possibility that there was never any intent to harm anyone. But explain that a secret relationship causes her to act weird and impatient because of her focus outside of your relationship. Tell her that is easy to read and now she will just need to tell you instead of acting unusual because you will read it. Tell her that making you think you are crazy is terrible and that you would much rather have her honesty. Good luck
written by Seen Both Sides, 04 November, 2012
Mature people often come to the opinion "it’s just a fuck". While that is possible, it can go to the next level which is "i’m not through fucking them yet". Then the obvious intimacy can follow simply from getting used to one another. There’s your affair. It grows to a regular thing. Shocking? Not really. Consider that a person may think of your relationship is so solid that they could possibly try as if they were just dating...
So ask...honey if we were apart, this would be as if we were dating without a commitment. Then ask...what do you want? A lesser commitment? Tell her you will always love her but don’t want to spoil what you had. Tell her if she wants to date, go ahead...and that you will always be her friend and true love, but that has to be...apart.
written by Seen Both Sides, 04 November, 2012
Remind your partner that even though really bad feelings were never intended, that this stuff is what most of those "real crime" shows are about, and that is what causes depression and suicidal thoughts and obsessive thoughts that are so difficult for a person to control. She won’t realize (probably...if she cares) that this is a consequence of her actions, and so she needs to know how emotionally charged this can be. Tell her you are not like that, and don’t want to be the person you are becoming because of it. Ask for her HELP with that and tell her how serious your concerns are about what you are feeling, and that it may be best to just leave the relationship in the past where it was beautiful once.
written by Seen Both Sides, 04 November, 2012
Remember you are not a "better" person than she just because you were stronger or weren’t "hit on" as often. Forgive and then get out, stay in, or at least find a way to be free of self hatred, obsession, blaming, and obsession over this. Life is better without that.
written by fallendown65, 05 November, 2012
Thank you Seen Both Sides.
A well educated response that I am grateful to hear especially since I expected more people to be on the side of "drop her like a hot brick and run" but until you way up the consequences of life without that person its hard to follow through especially when you still love your partner.
I have read endless discussions on this subject since searching for peace after the nightmare of emotional and Physical crisis after the first discovery after 9 months of her affair and the second devastation 3 months later where many more tears were rediscovered and a true feeling of Bereavement: from her having to discover him distancing himself, not standing by her and disclosing that he never said he loved her, to my disbelief that she had continued seeing him despite my emotional breakdown the first time and the pain I went through.
I felt something had died in me the second time and I was already making plans to leave her once her threats of suicide had lapsed and I was strong enough.
She insisted we try Couple Counseling and luckily we found an experienced marriage and sex therapist/counselor who has been simply wonderful and patient.
The battle in my head goes on.
I dont think my wife will ever understand what impact selfishness, deceit and pursuing ones own personal needs in the confines of an equal marriage fully mean. Until one has felt this devastating heartbreak from the side of the loyal spouse, or the adult in the relationship, (where the cheating one has opted to take the role of spoiled child), until the balance can be tipped back to equal adult status with the couple,there can be no real understanding of pain and consequences.
A question to Seen Both Sides.
if you have experienced infidelity or cheating from both sides as your name suggests would you confess to being an expert at both types of pain? which one of you took the Parent,adult or child role during these intervals?Are you still together with your Husband, wife or Partner?Whats your story and have you forgiven and forgotten?
Do you ever have recurring nightmares or images she disclosed to you when you questioned her behaviour of your partner being royally blanked by their lover to a point where you cant get the thoughts out of your head?
How do you get round that?
Whats your story?
written by Fallendown65, 06 November, 2012
Reading back my last point,
I realize that it doesn’t read very well, so I would like to re word it.
I meant to say:
It is well documented that many people who have been cheated on have tried to ask there cheating partners of an account of what they got up to in the bedroom with there lover.
We like to compare ourselves against something we know was hot and passionate...something we haven’t had ourselves for years, and want to be appalled that she could not be like that with us..."Being Royally Fucked", passionately, hot, feeling free and alive.
Surely it cant be just based on Penis size?....every mans hang-up.
unfortunately after getting her to confess the sordid details comes the mental imagery of her rolling around naked giggling and laughing at the idea of her secrecy of getting a royally good fucking without her husband finding out.
Was she really thinking that? or not knowing what she was doing and lost in the drug. That would suggest that some women are stupid enough to be easily led...want to be led.
Am I obsessed or just trampled on?
How do I let go of these thoughts?
Anyone help?

written by Seen both Sides, 06 November, 2012
I will get back to you! I will need a few extra minutes in the next couple of days. lol. I will tell you my story and answer!
written by Seen both Sides, 11 November, 2012
Dear Fallen Down, Part A
Great questions, good discussion! I tribute your devotion to saving your marriage and trying to resolve your feelings. I also want to recognize the others here for getting theirs out, and for those reading and saying “those poor idiots are screwed…they should come to reality” I want to say that there are big differences in every situation. They are correct, though, in determining the fastest route to resolving their feelings: get the anger out, distance and separate from her, start a new life, and reject her values and crappy attempts to reconcile. I get that.
I thought your situation may be different. I thought “well, if it was one affair, and she truly wants to get out of it and resolve it, then maybe there’s a good chance.” Looking at the details of what you’ve said, it isn’t certain to me that this is the case. On one hand it would appear that there’s a good therapist (but a sex therapist? Instead of relationship therapist?). And on that “plus” side it reads that she is committed to that and that you are working on resolving your feelings about what happened (though this is still a huge problem). But I can see “minus” details not in your original question: what was she thinking? Was she really thinking that? “pursuing needs in the ‘confines’ of an ‘equal marriage’ “ is telling. “Balance tipped back to adult” is also a minus, and this indicates that PAC is the “communication” model you are trying to use and trying to implement as a model that perhaps is supposed to point to how you are to become. Not useful in my opinion, since it only is a way of understanding how to TALK, not a measure of attachment in ANY sense at all, and that’s going down the wrong path. A therapist teaching that is only trying to get you two to communicate, so that is just a starting point. And PAC is from the 70’s, for gosh sakes, and not any kind of model for resolving bigger issues.
I sense that there is a “how to” question behind all this (‘duh’ to myself), so I will throw in some recommendations here instead of telling my story right now. I will do that separately!
Ok…so. The questions of how to work through this. First, in the short term, there is the management of feelings. Second, the resolution of the actual problem of what the needs are and how to get what you need and want. This second part also includes whether or not your partner can meet those needs.
Before the first part, consider what the therapist needs to get from you. They ought to be able to feed back to you a couple of things right away. They will see what the balance is pretty soon after you’ve walked in, maybe before that (who called them, what was the problem, whose problem is it, what do you think they want, etc).
Initially, I would be surprised that if after an initial talk, they wouldn’t do something like this, in some form, or at least some representation of where you are right now, and whether you both want to change that: Maybe hold up their hands in front of them, spaced apart, and say something like “this is how far apart you are”. Then maybe she/he will turn the palm of one hand for one or both of you and say “AND this is where you are facing (as in one of you is turned away, or part turned away, and the other is facing the other hand, blah blah). If something like that hasn’t happened you may wish to look at that.
On to feelings. For an immediate intervention, I would go with several things, and not everyone agrees, of course. For you, an antidepressant that is also an anti-obsessional med is indicated. That means citalopram, in a big dose, and you should feel better in a few weeks. Caution here as this can affect sexual performance slightly, so be sure that the prescriber gives you Viagra too, to circumvent that if it happens. You may need a benzodiazepine (like ativan, zanax, or valium) on an as-needed basis until the SSRI kicks in.
There is good analysis coming, but not yet. You will need a separate therapy (not the same therapist because in couples counseling one member of the couple should never be seen alone). The separate therapy should be DBT or ACT (dialectic behavior therapy or acceptance commitment therapy) to address your feelings and reroute them and separate yourself from them so that the deep limbic system emotional responses are less part of what you are experiencing. This is a simple program learned in three months, perhaps, that helps tip the balance away from emotions (it’s emotional regulation).

written by Seen both Sides, 11 November, 2012
Dear Fallen Down, Part B
In the meantime, start looking for a good psychodynamic therapist that specializes in attachment. The CRI (current relationship inventory..Crowell, 1990) would be very good, or the AAI (adult attachment interview), although the second one looks at how early attachment forms adult attachment, it will still produce a generally stable attachment category. PAC? I think not. Here’s a quote from a 1995 Crowell paper to spark your interest: “A major difference between adult-adult attachment and the parent-child relationship is that the attachment behavior system in adults is reciprocal; in other words, adult partners are not assigned to or set in the role of "attachment figure/caregiver" or "attached individual/ care receiver", although this may be true in any given relationship. Both attachment behavior and serving as an attachment figure should be observable in individuals, and the two roles may shift rapidly between the partners. Other differences are that attachment relationships between adults often serve a wide variety of other functions, including sexual bonds, companionship, sense of competence,and shared purpose or experience (Ainsworth, 1985; Weiss, 1974)

Sooooo…. Here’s the thing. If you never had, never have, never will have the same attachment needs, it is going to be difficult, but at least you will understand and perhaps even accept. Either way, though, what needs to happen is HEALTHY attachment. We are not talking about PAC or sex here. We are WAY beyond that as couples specializing in attachment theory and therapy will encompass all of that.

Whatever you do, know this: if you can get a relationship that defines HEALTHY attachment, you’ve got it. You need an attachment person or persons or that gets those functions.

Good luck

written by Seen both Sides, 12 November, 2012
Summary of attachment roles here. Which one were you/are lacking in? Which one is she/was she lacking in? Was there balance? Or did you play all the roles? Did she have to play all the roles? Did you or she have to overplay one? Don’t just focus on one. Don’t just focus on "sexual bonding partner", because all these interact with each other and with you. For example, are you too much of one? Too little? Is she? Your goal is ALL. If it isn’t your goal, consider getting these separately as a single person. The roles are "attachment figure/caregiver", "attached individual/ care receiver", partner in sexual bonding, companionship partner, partner in sense of competence,and partner in shared purpose and/or experience.
written by Seen both Sides, 12 November, 2012
Just as a footnote, let me suggest that exploration of what sexual bonding is and/or could be is of interest in this forum, I think. When someone tells you that they aren’t getting their needs met, it could be confusing. When someone asks you what your needs are, that can be confusing. So just use the attachment models in explaining them, and interpreting them, and in understanding affairs from every angle. Some in those are seeking larger needs and don’t know it, or using their own model of attachment that doesn’t work. On so on. Going forward, make sure the present person or next person matches what you need. If you don’t need some or all of those needs, or they don’t, you will want to look at that as potential problem areas that could develop.
written by I’ll be back, 15 November, 2012
I’ve found this thread very informative and comforting. I’ll return soon.
written by Dr K, 19 November, 2012
That response is extremely gender biased and a little ignorant to be honest. First and for most no excuses should ever be made for a spouses infidelity. You must no that what happened and understand why it happened. You are not be blame for the immature, self-destructive choices a cheating spouse made. In fact, you are now a little more knowledgeable of your partners inability to coupe with marital problems and what they are capable of if situations arise. Moving forward with that truth is not easy, but necessary in order to heal. No one should ever criticize you for being untrusting, insecure or angry for such deceit.

Truth of the matter is you need to be honest with yourself: as the first step to getting over your wife’s past infidelities and dig deep within the core of your very being to see whether you will ever be willing to let it go or Rather should you let her go as opposed to festering all that negativity with you in a relationship destined for disaster?
If you should choose to stick with her, make a considered effort to forgive. By Forgiving, I do NOT at all mean that what she did was ok and can be "swept under the rug, NO! Rather it’s for you to better channel you energies from all that anger to something a lot more constructive – like doing things that would improve your well being. Once you are a happier person even your wife will sense it. You’ll now be better equipped to solve your marital issues from an objective point of view.

Here is a quote from the Good Dr Phil which has helped me

If You Are Being Cheated On:

Get real.
The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. What do you predict? If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true? You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Isn’t there a point at which you say, "I deserve better. My children deserve better. He/She may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, ‘You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don’t treat me at all’?" Stand up for yourself and for your children. You’ve given your power away and you’ve got to get it back.

This is not your fault.
Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.

What is your payoff?
Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?"

Assess your commitment level.
You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can’t. And if you can’t, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.

Consider the consequences.
If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it’s better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation.

Decide if you can choose to forgive.
Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that?

If you can’t forgive, let go.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner’s face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don’t continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.

written by Seen Both Sides, 21 November, 2012
Hi "Dr" K! Thank you for your comments! I see that you agree quite a bit with the information. Just a small suggestion...this is a friendly and supportive forum, so please keep it that way. I think that yours is the first to actually directly criticize another post-er. (i.e. "ignorant"). The information I presented represents years of research in attachment theory and therapy and is offered openly, with no criticism of other’s views. It’s not "pop culture" afternoon counseling Dr. Phil stuff. I don’t mind any advice coming from there, and my posts actually agree with those comments too. So it’s great to hear support from daytime tv exploitation shows, but the forum is open to ALL points of view. So attacking the other members’ attempts to understand is not very helpful.
I do have a question, though. How is the post gender-biased? Men cheat much more frequently than women, and the information I gave applies to both sexes. Please explain? Oh! Watch your spelling too,
written by Imnotalone, 24 November, 2012
Very interesting post I’ve stumbled across. I guess I’m not alone after all. Hell perhaps we should all get together and form a support group. Well for my story.

Been married for 25 years, my wife had an affair with my so called best friend about a year after we were married. I never could get solid proof, but when there is enough circumstantial evidence including that his wife thought he was cheating with mine, then that’s pretty solid. His wife and I have never spoke about it, but I found out later she thought it too. She also thought he was dating her again. This was the clue that allowed me to tie it all together.

I won’t give all the details because it would just too hard to explain. I’m sure most reading this will understand if not bare with me and it may become clear. The main thing is I know she cheated and she has never admitted it to me. To tell the truth, her never trusting my intellect to actually tell the whole truth is what still bothers me after all these years. She I can’t talk about it. I made promise to never bring it up again and my word is my bond so I haven’t. I guess I just always hoped she would decide to come clean and just tell me the truth.

That’s my issue is I need the closure. I’m at that age in my life, as the commercials says, where I know how to get things done, but this one lingering area were I need closure. Then I could totally forgive and forget, but I’ll probably never get that.

As the 80 year old guy said, I should have just left her then, but at the time I did still love her, now I’m just bitter. Since this was my so called best friend the betrayal was twice as a result, I’ve never since had a close male friend. I just don’t trust like I once did.

Were to go from here? that is the question I must contemplate now. More to come later.
written by DUN DONE, 28 November, 2012
Wow thank all of you!!!!!! Decision made!!!! Cowboy Up and ride for the sunset. ME the kids and the dog will just make it work
written by Imnotalone, 28 November, 2012
Well part two, Back to the closure part, to me that is the worst thing, In my case it was the sense of betrayal. Its not even so much that she slept with the guy. We were all dumb kids and did not have a clue what we were doing. I made mistakes and did stuff I shouldn’t have done and she did too. We were kids, but we are not kids now and the truth does need to come out. This site has proved helpful because several times there have been comments that you just need to talk about it. That’s what I’m going to have to do, even if it means breaking my word that I would never bring it up. This has to be settled if we are every going to remain in the relationship and she ever expects me to totally trust her again.

Thanks to everyone who has posted in this thread and the many others I’ve read.
written by mark 14yrs, 04 December, 2012
Understandably a lot of these posts relate how one person has felt and suffered. I feel for all of you.

My wife cheated on me (largely emotionally) for 10 years. I believe she honestly didn’t realize what was happening – she had friends from before we were married that she "kept in touch" with. She was more in touch with one in particular whose wedding we had attended, though she left me holding the kids so she could chat with the bride and groom – I’d never met him. Occasionally she caught up with him face to face. I’d pinged her a few times on the nature of the relationship and she’d back off and promise it would be kept more distant.

He went away to work for a few months, leaving her bereft.

She got into contact with another of her previous boyfriends – he lived 90 minutes away so she had to leave me holding the kids when she went to see him. I was given no choice. She saw him every available opportunity – basically whenever I was home to mind the kids. He eventually got bored of waiting and raped her, then used that to convince her that her marriage was over and her only choice was to move in with him. He told her that I could never forgive her.

It would be easy to condemn her. I believe that she didn’t intend for any of this to happen. She was stupid, she has terrible self esteem and has dependency issues.

She allowed the first boyfriend to manipulate her and convince her that she needed his "friendship". He leveraged upon that to gradually physicalize and sexualise the relationship to fulfill the needs he had unmet by his new wife. My wife was unable to effectively limit him, she felt sullied by his behavior and it worsened her self esteem and poisoned our relationship. He created vulnerabilities that the second boyfriend exploited – the dependency and weak boundary setting. The second boyfriend was able to set the frequency and the place of their meetings. Until he was able to meet his needs.

She is responsible for her actions, her behaviors and who she is – but it is possible to understand what was going through her head and why she did what she did.

After accepting her back after the second boyfriend, she gave me access to her email account. She thought she had deleted all incriminating email, but hadn’t cleared her sent box. I was able to read the past three years of her emails including his emails that she replied to, also letters she had written to herself over the years. I have spoken at length to the second boyfriend, before and after he raped my wife (needless to say he lied about most things, but you could see around the lies to see the scum he was and how he thought and what he’d done). I could hear him justifying his actions to himself though he never admitted to what he’d done. The first boyfriend was too cowardly to talk, and his wife wasn’t interested given that she had just had twins to him and was effectively trapped. My wife has been as open as she can be, though I can anticipate where she has minimalised details. I have treated enough women with her mental health issues to be able to anticipate some of where she would have trouble with disclosure. I feel that I have enough of the details to formulate an accurate picture of her perspective.

If you can understand why someone has done what they have done, then it facilitates forgiveness. It doesn’t make it less likely that they will cheat again, though it does give you defenses. It helps to realize that no matter how much you hurt, they have their perspective, which probably makes sense of their actions to them. They have to deal with their guilt and self disgust. You just have to deal with the hurt.
written by Ontario, 11 December, 2012
"And given that your wife told you what was happening, it is unlikely that she was interested in cheating on you."

Bullshit! My wife got a ride home with a male co-worker who after knowing for just three months she would refer to as "her friend, D___". When he drove her home she told me that he asked her if her husband (me) had a problem with another guy driving her her home. This should have been a big red flag to me that he had impure motives because 9 months later they were having sex in his car at lunch time in the parking garage at work! So just because maybe in the beginning your wife doesn’t think anything of the inappropriate questions or sharing and tells you about some of it doesn’t mean there isn’t more that she isn’t telling you or that it never escalated from there.
written by fallendown65, 20 December, 2012
Hey seenbothsides.
Still wondering about your story, if it is relevant and also whether you are still available for a reply to your comments.
I do question some of your judgement as I think you got too lost in your research model and forgot that there are real people involved here with real lives, not research lab animals....the idea of which I find deplorable anyway.
Just a foot note to anyone reading:
I believe everyone is an individual and the partnering of two people has an infinite possibility combination of things going wrong in a relationship.
When/if things do go wrong we can only be helped by getting informed before making any big life changing decision and we look to others for sharing there experiences. This is helpful and should not be confined to simple analytical research models which change year by year and depending on what the flavour of the month is and to to say that something doesn’t work because it is very 1970’s is like saying Justin Bieber is better than Stevie Wonder was.
A lot of what SeenBothSides has said has relevance and I am pleased to hear his/her comment, but as usual some of it is misinformed and reliant on whats good on paper and has been carried with too much confidence which can be perceived as arrogance.
I think SeenBothsides has educated his/her self on this subject but I am not convinces that he/she is really listening, and is wrapped up in telling.
This all hinges on what her/his story is.
As far as I am concerned, my story is that I have learned a lot about myself and my wife and continue to see our counselor who is a genuine soul who has become a friend and has genuine understanding and belief in us.
My wife has become much closer.And we continue to understand the events of last year.
she has shown remorse and has apologized for her behaviour and has taken control of her life once again. That action alone is helping me to come to terms with what I want, and what I want is security in my future with her and happiness...not sadness blame and constant remorse.
I am certainly not out of the woods yet, as I still have to secure my future with rebuilding myself, a new stronger me. And talking and hard work to understand each other and what we both want has been beneficial in making things better.

written by empty and lost, 27 January, 2013
Me and my wife will be married 5 years in June we have a 3 year old. 3 years ago I got hurt at work and have not been able to return since. When I got hurt is when it all started. First it was the you can’t sleep in bed anymore because your snoring keeps me up all night never was a issue before. 4 months after I got hurt I found a that she goggle can you get pregnant on birth control mind you at the time we have not have sex since October and now it was April. A few weeks after that she told me she had to work late grading papers I called her and told her I would come up there and bring some food and keep her company she told me not too that I would just be in the way. She has posted on facebook personal things about me and my daughter family members and friends on both side have told me. When I confronted her on it she blew it off and she never said she was sorry about doing it. Since then some days when she comes home she is happy as hell other days like last night piss off as hell she was to of had the girls night out last night. I see how all of you say trust your gut mine say she is up to something. We have not had sex in over a year and when I ask her if she want to be married to me she never answer me. She tell me all the time it is my fault for how thing are if it were for my daughter I might have killed myself by now.

written by E.Khan, 30 January, 2013
Guys in my own opinion you all are to narrow minded. Enjoy life and stop worrying. What is wrong if a wife wants to have fun with another guy/guys, you too have the same liberty. So Live life to the fullest. I have asked my wife several times to make friends and have fun the way she wants it. But she would not listen to me. She says it will be fun but what will happen if we mess up our relationship in the process, agreed. Secondly she says that such life is ok if you don’t have kids, what will happen if the kids get to know what she is up to.. Whatever, I think that kids once 18 have their own life and they don’t really care less what will happen if their family gets to know what they are up to. My idea would still be to let her have fun on the condition that she will not run away with someone else. Even if she does leave you, you still are lucky to go for another person in your life with a different flavor.. lol
written by fallendown65, 01 February, 2013
If we were really as silly to live without care, what’s next in disintegrating society.
E.Khan states that he’s never been in that position even though he wishes it.
All I can say is be careful what you wish for.
What’s good today may not be the same tomorrow, and if your feeling is if you are on top of your relationship and perhaps you are young enough to catch the next bus when it comes along.I feel you can never take your foot off the accelerator and have to work at your marriage, not give it all away by coasting.
I learnt the hard way.
Perhaps E.Khan is looking at adultery as being good clean fun, but be warned, unless you live on the set of a porn movie,
casual sex whilst married is a recipe for disaster, as strong emotions take over.
after your wife enters an affair I guarantee she will leave you if she thinks the grass is greener elsewhere.

written by Joe stupid, 18 February, 2013
I believe my wife had a affair but denies it 4 yrs ago, it still bothers traumatically till this day! I found out she stayed over this guys house for a night when she said she was staying over her friends house, I confronted her but she said she was very drunk and nothing happened! She said it was a big mistake hmmmmm ya sure, she swore on my kids life she did nothing needless to say he is married with two children just happened the wife was away with the two daughters that night, I’m sure they had a great time, there where many phone calls through out the days building up to this and afterwards because I didn’t find out about it till a year later...I know in my heart she did this and it messed up everything till this day I stayed with her because of my children it’s been a horrible nightmare to me... Thank you wife for standing behind me.... She will never know what kind of pain she has inflicted in me all this time..... Any suggestions out there?
written by fallendown65, 24 February, 2013
Talk to her.
Tell her you are concerned.
Let her speak.

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