Discovered my wife had sex with a friend of ours

I came across my wife chatting with an old friend of both of ours. After reading the content of the chat it became apparent that they had engaged in sex about 30 years ago. After much probing my wife admitted that they did have sex twice when we were much younger.

Now after reading the chat she said that he was only telling her about his dreams and fantasies and since he moved out of state that nothing was going to happen although he does have occasion to return to this area.

Do you think that I am over reacting or could they be planning to rekindle their affair?


Were you married to your wife at the time the incident occurred? If so, it is important to deal with the feelings created by your discovery. It is easy to let a past betrayal cloud your judgment about what is going on now.

If you can talk to your wife about being upset, disappointed, and hurt by what happened 30 years ago and your wife listens and validates your feelings (rather than dismissing them), you will probably have a better assessment of the current situation. Rebuilding trust and forgiving your wife will help you see things more clearly (see rebuilding trust and forgiveness).

It may also help to keep in mind that being monogamous is difficult. It is common for people to develop feelings and engage in sexual fantasies involving other people AND still be in love with their spouse (see sexual desire).

The fact that your wife is reliving memories of past sexual encounters is not necessarily a cause for concern. If you have a healthy relationship with your wife where you can talk to each other about such issues and not react negatively, you will have a much better sense of what is going on.

Honesty is critical in a romantic relationship. But, being honest with each other involves hearing things that are going to upset you and dealing with them in a calm and constructive manner (see talk about problems).

Finally, in many cases, people fantasize and flirt because they are bored. People like novelty and stimulation – it creates a sense of excitement and fun. If you have a healthy relationship with your wife, doing something new and fun together (e.g., plan a trip somewhere new, start a new hobby, undertake a new adventure of some sort) will go a long way to resolving the problem.

If doing something new and exciting together does not help, then perhaps there is a larger issue that needs to be addressed. Perhaps she is no longer in love with you or she feels like you are no longer compatible. Counseling is the best way to deal with those issues if that is the case.

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