Suspect that my best friend has a crush on my fiance

I have a feeling that a close friend of mine has a very deep crush on my fiancé. My fiancé and I have been together for 9 1/2 years and for the most part have a great relationship. We have been through some tough times, but what couple hasn’t?

My girlfriend is also in a relationship and has been for about 4 1/2 years now. The four of us hang out quite frequently and over the past few months, I have noticed her behavior or body language around my guy is questionable. No matter where he is in a room she faces his direction. I see her constantly trying to make eye contact with him and I notice that she goes out of her way to get glances at him. It’s almost like she’s trying to get his attention and hopes that he will respond.

They played on the same pool team last year as did her boyfriend and one night after pool, as soon as he left the bar; she called him on his cell (I was not at pool that night). I asked him why she called him since he had just left and he said she was just teasing him about how bad he played.

Anyway, this was about the time I started to notice her behavior. Also, she seems to mention our "sex life" more often then what I would think is normal. It’s almost like she is prying. It’s a shame but now I don’t want him around her unless I am there anymore.

And to be more honest, I am thinking about severing the relationship somewhat. The four of us are all on the same pool team this year so at least once a week; I will have to see her. Am I being over cautious or do I have a right to wonder about her feelings for my fiancé?

Response:

To begin with, are you typically the jealous type? Are you usually worried about other people being attracted to your fiancé (see anxious attachment)? Or, are your feelings just related to your friend’s behavior?

If you typically have these types of feelings, is there someone else’s judgment or opinion you can ask for? More often than not, our feelings influence what we perceive, making it difficult to get an accurate read of what’s going on in any given situation (see self deception). And unfortunately, this is all the more true for people who are anxious about love and romance.

With that said, if you do decide to closely monitor your friend’s behavior for insight into her feelings, what else should you look for? In addition to the things you’ve mentioned, it is important to watch how she reacts to a variety of people (establish a baseline). Some people are just more flirtatious by nature (see flirting).

Also try to pay close attention to mimicry. People who are attracted to others signal their attraction by mimicking the other person’s speech patterns (word choice, inflection, rate of speech), gestures, posture, facial expressions, etc. This type of mimicry is hard to control—it almost always happens at an unconscious level.

And to make matters more complicated, if your friend does have a crush on your fiancé, this does not mean that she is necessarily aware of her feelings. It is possible to be attracted to someone and have little awareness of it.

Typically, the best way to resolve this type of problem is to talk to your fiancé about how you are feeling. If your boyfriend is generally open to hearing your feelings, this is the most effective way of solving such problems (see talk about problems).

Hope this helps.

 friend causing problems | my jealousy

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