I can’t cope with my fiance’s ex-wife

How do I get over jealousy over my fiancé’s ex-wife? They also have a two year old son and it’s really hard. He always tells me I have nothing to worry about but I am still scared. They talk to each other and get along better it seems then we do. She will call and just to ask how the little boy is and she never asks me anything. And I am the one who does the most for the kid (I am not saying I hate it because I don’t). It really hurts my feelings when they talk about other stuff that doesn’t concern the kid.

What should I do? Sit them all down and tell them it needs to stop? I don’t want to loose him over this he is a great guy until it comes to this issue. I love him a lot and he says he loves me to. I don’t understand this.

Response:

It can be very difficult dealing with a partner’s ex-spouse. But, it may help to view this problem in a different light. Your fiancé loves you, but he still has a close relationship with his ex-wife. Apparently, you see their relationship as a threat. But, it is common for people to have a close connection to an ex (see why does my partner talk to an ex). And just because your fiancé is close with his ex, does not mean that he loves you any less.

Moreover, if you try to control their behavior, in the long run, it will most likely lead to more harm than good. As a general rule, people value their freedom and autonomy—people like to choose who they associate with If you fiancé has a platonic relationship with his ex-wife, why should he not be her friend? Because their relationship makes you feel insecure? Trying to control their relationship is not an effective solution, especially since they have a kid together. If you try to limit their interaction, eventually, it will create anger and resentment toward you. People often do the exact opposite of what they are told to do as a means of resistance (see relationship dynamics). Additionally, if you try to control his behavior, he may feel less close to you—the exact opposite of what you want.

But, with that said, you can’t ignore the situation either. If you try to ignore the situation, your feelings won’t go away. Over time, your feelings will likely come out in counterproductive ways and have a negative impact on your relationship.

The key to handling this type of situation is to share your feelings with your fiance without trying to control his behavior. Research shows that talking about problems, without trying to control a partner’s behavior is the most effective way of dealing with negative feelings (see talk about problems). If you can discuss the problem without being manipulative or controlling, it will lead to greater understanding and closeness. Hopefully, discussing your feelings will make the situation seem less intense and more manageable.

his ex-wife | my jealousy

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